Marriage Builders®
Posted By: CynicalRomantic BS Set Nuke & Exposure Questions - 10/02/10 03:04 AM
I've browsed the forums a bit to get a feel for some of the common questions and acronyms, but I may've missed some things, so I apologize if I'm repeating any questions that have been asked elsewhere.

About two months ago, my WW texted me some distressing messages at the tail end of a business trip. After talking on the phone, I found out that she got drunk and made out with and groped with a dude that she met in the industry last fall. Previously, they had been "just friends", but I had been wary since she told me he'd been flirting with her and beginning an EA. This was devastating news to me. She confessed immediately the PA that night and said that she felt terrible. She went out of the country for a couple of days after that and was out of telephone contact. In my distress, I approached our church pastor and discussed the issue with him. I didn't want to talk to anyone in our families or circle of friends for fear of hurting her image.

When she got home from the trip, she still felt terrible, but I assured her that I still loved her and would forgive her. She promised that she wouldn't speak with him anymore. She was angry that I spoke with the pastor without talking about it with her first and felt that I violated her trust.

Jump ahead a couple of weeks. She was on another trip. We had some sort of argument on the phone, and I broke down and cried. I told her that I wanted to be a good husband to her and was trying very hard. She felt sorry for me, but then she went out that night and escalated the PA. Again, she texted me early in the morning to say that I probably wasn't going to want to continue our M. I feared what was going to come next, but we waited until we were face-to-face the next day before talking about it. She confessed and said she hated herself over it and wanted to die. She said she didn't mean to fall in love with another man. Again, I forgave her, and we agreed on NC with the OM after she read MB. We blocked phone numbers and online messaging.

I figured things were recovering, and we actually continued our plans to move to the state where she mostly works so that I wouldn't be so far from her so often. A few days ago, she was working in an office and mentioned that she ran into OM. The following evening, she tells me that they'd been messaging each other all day. She tells me that they'd actually talked some in prior weeks too and that she still loves him. She had been hiding this from me because she didn't want to hurt me. It tore me apart and I broke down crying again. She tried to reassure me with ILYBINILWY, but then said she needed space for 24 hours. I asked her not to leave and tried to arrange some way that we could sleep in separate rooms. I feared that she was going to make a bad decision, but I relented when it became clear that she felt I was trying to force/control her.

She initiated the PA again that night. She returned the next morning and told me that she felt terrible and couldn't stay there. I was relieved to have her home, but she kept continuing with her lines of "I don't know why we're married", "I regret marrying you", and "I want a divorce". She told me that the OM told her she should divorce me and marry him. On an encouraging note, she sent a message to OM saying that she couldn't continue the A. I know that the whole situation is making both of us pretty miserable, but I still love her deeply and want to recover our M. I think she still has love for me inside of her...it's just buried down underneath all this muck.

She went to work today, and I started devouring MB material. I browsed the forums to find out more about exposure. I've been wanting to talk to people for months. In the past, when I have a problem, I tend to go to my support network for wisdom and encouragement. However, I haven't been "allowed" to do that with regard to what she considers private matters of our marriage. She has a strong sense of appearances. I kept encouraging her that we should seek counseling, but she kept saying she wasn't ready for it and that I was pushing her away by insisting.

Well, this afternoon, I set off the nuclear exposure. I told my parents and step-dad. I told MIL and grandmother. I told our pastor. I told my sister (who will tell my BIL). Her mom is also telling a close friend of both of theirs. I expressed to them all that I love her deeply and want to work through this and they all support me and reassured me that I was doing the right thing in breaking my silence.

When she got home tonight, we made a nice dinner together. I broached the topic of NC with the OM (she had talked to him briefly through some messages today). She said she wasn't even sure she was able to love me, so she couldn't take that step. I gave her a massage and asked if she wanted a happy and loving M. She replied, "In general or with you?" I responded, "In general, but I think the best chance of that is with me." She fell quickly asleep. I had planned to tell her about the exposure, but I'm not quite sure how to do it. I'm pretty sure she's going to get really angry, and I'm extremely worried she's going to leave me after such a huge "violation of trust". She said that if she were in my shoes as a BS, she probably would've left.

I'm not really worried about my anger. I've been frustrated and depressed over all of this, but anger and numbness are feelings that WW is more prone to than me.

Also, I'm not really sure whether to confront the OM.

There are a couple of other people that I'm considering with regard to exposure, but I'm getting mixed opinions about the wisdom of expanding it beyond the circle of people that love us both unconditionally.

Sorry for the ridiculous length to this. My three questions...

1) How should I handle telling her about the exposure? (I know to not apologize.)
2) Should I tell anyone else?
3) Should I confront the OM?
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: BS Set Nuke & Exposure Questions - 10/02/10 03:14 AM
Originally Posted By: CynicalRomantic
Well, this afternoon, I set off the nuclear exposure. I told my parents and step-dad. I told MIL and grandmother. I told our pastor. I told my sister (who will tell my BIL). Her mom is also telling a close friend of both of theirs. I expressed to them all that I love her deeply and want to work through this and they all support me and reassured me that I was doing the right thing in breaking my silence.


Did you tell her mother and dad?

Is the OM married?

Do they work together?

What other people in your lives have any kind of influence over your wife?

Quote:
I'm pretty sure she's going to get really angry, and I'm extremely worried she's going to leave me after such a huge "violation of trust". She said that if she were in my shoes as a BS, she probably would've left.



What was the "violation of trust" here? Did you also have an affair?
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: BS Set Nuke & Exposure Questions - 10/02/10 03:15 AM
Originally Posted By: CynicalRomantic
Well, this afternoon, I set off the nuclear exposure. I told my parents and step-dad. I told MIL and grandmother. I told our pastor. I told my sister (who will tell my BIL). Her mom is also telling a close friend of both of theirs. I expressed to them all that I love her deeply and want to work through this and they all support me and reassured me that I was doing the right thing in breaking my silence.


Have all of these people agreed to speak to your wife and use their influence to persuade her to end her affair? When will they be contacting her?
Posted By: CynicalRomantic Re: BS Set Nuke & Exposure Questions - 10/02/10 03:39 AM
Originally Posted By: MelodyLane

Did you tell her mother and dad?

Is the OM married?

Do they work together?

What other people in your lives have any kind of influence over your wife?

What was the "violation of trust" here? Did you also have an affair?

I told her mother who she's very close to. To tell her dad would be a bit complicated. They have a relationship, but it's strained at times. I don't think he would do the best at approaching the situation in love. I was pretty sure if I told him that he'd send a text to her along the lines of 'What in the heck are you doing to your husband?'

The OM isn't married. As far as I know, he hasn't had a serious relationship in a while. One other thing that I just remembered...she keeps saying how she doesn't want to hurt him or me.

They've never technically worked together. They just happen to be in the same industry. I'd guess there are maybe 500-1000 people in that industry in this area.

I think I've potentially exhausted that list aside from close mutual friends of ours (that were originally her friends). She's always gotten along with not too many close friends.

I did not have an affair. I put "violation of trust" in quotations marks, because I think that's how she's going to view the exposure...that I went behind her back and ruined her reputation when we should've resolved the issue by ourselves. (But that clearly wasn't working, and I was going a little insane trapped inside my brain.)

That does bring up the point that I've had a problem with porn in the past though. I pretty much got rid of it after we started dating, but I did lapse back into that trap occasionally when she'd be gone for long trips (maybe 10-15 times over 2.5 years). That said, as I became aware of how much it was hurting her, I cut it out. I've been fortunate to have gone without it for almost three months now.
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: BS Set Nuke & Exposure Questions - 10/02/10 03:50 AM
Originally Posted By: CynicalRomantic

I told her mother who she's very close to. To tell her dad would be a bit complicated. They have a relationship, but it's strained at times. I don't think he would do the best at approaching the situation in love. I was pretty sure if I told him that he send a text to her along the lines of 'What in the heck are you doing to your husband?'


This would be a very effective exposure, so I would add him to the list. You want loved ones and friends calling her up asking "what the hell are you doing?" That is what a caring person would do.

Any other exposure targets should be told tomorrow. You don't want to dribble this out.

NOW, when will these people be calling your wife? Are they calling this weekend? It would be best if she found out about the exposure from her friends and family when they call her.

Quote:


The OM isn't married.


Does he have a facebook page? If so, I would expose to his parents and other family via facebook messages. [we have some sample letters] Do you know if he has a facebook page?

Quote:


I did not have an affair. I put "violation of trust" in quotations marks, because I think that's how she's going to view the exposure...that I went behind her back and ruined her reputation when we should've resolved the issue by ourselves. (But that clearly wasn't working, and I was going a little insane trapped inside my brain.)


That would be an irrational response so I wouldn't give it another thought. Of course you didn't ruin her rep or violate trust. If her rep is ruined it is because of her affair, that is not your fault. And there is nothing untrustworthy about exposing bad behavior. It is untrustworthy to have an affair, not untrustworthy to expose an affair.

My suggestion is to finish up the exposures tomorrow [especially her father and the OM's family] and hopefully these people will call her and have a chat. If they won't call her,[shame on them if they don't!!] then I would tell her you have exposed the affair.

And I do think you should have a face to face with loser boy and let him know hell is coming his way if he doesn't stay away from your wife. I suggest leaving your pistol in the car for this visit.
Posted By: CynicalRomantic Re: BS Set Nuke & Exposure Questions - 10/02/10 04:02 AM
Hm. See...I wasn't clear on that part of the exposure...whether they should call her. I guess that makes sense. I sort of wanted to make her aware that it had been done first. Is it better to just get them to call her?

I will work on the other exposure targets for her tomorrow. I can't remember his last name at the moment. He has a Facebook page. I'm pretty sure she blocked him on there last month though.

Also, she left her phone in the kitchen tonight when she went to sleep...I just heard it beep. It's a text from the OM saying that he misses her. I'm so torn on whether I should reply/block/erase or some combination.

Edit: Found his page and attempted to message several of his family members.
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: BS Set Nuke & Exposure Questions - 10/02/10 04:41 AM
Originally Posted By: CynicalRomantic
Hm. See...I wasn't clear on that part of the exposure...whether they should call her. I guess that makes sense. I sort of wanted to make her aware that it had been done first. Is it better to just get them to call her?


Yes! The point of exposure is to get people to use their influence to persuade her to end her affair. It is always best for her to just start getting calls because this comes as a surprise.

Perhaps you can email them tonight and ask them to give her a call tomorrow and ask her to drop her affair.

Quote:
. It's a text from the OM saying that he misses her. I'm so torn on whether I should reply/block/erase or some combination.


Text that loser back and say "STOP CONTACTING ME!!!"
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: BS Set Nuke & Exposure Questions - 10/02/10 04:42 AM
Originally Posted By: CynicalRomantic


Edit: Found his page and attempted to message several of his family members.


Here are some sample letters:

Facebook exposure letters

Dear friend of Joe Scumbag,

It grieves me to write this letter but I believe all of his friends should know the kind of person he really is. Joe had an affair with my wife, Sally, from Aug until September. I believe that his friends should know this, so you can protect your marriage from him. My wife and I have 2 small daughters and this affair has almost wrecked our marriage.

I would be happy to provide the evidence to anyone who asks.

I would appreciate it if someone would notify his parents and ask them to call me at xxx-www-xxxx.

Thank you, BH

Dear friend of Skankyhola,

It grieves me to write this letter but I believe all of her friends should be aware that Skanky is having an affair with my husband, Joe. We have been married for 5 years. They have been having this affair since October according to the evidence.
I would be happy to provide the evidence to anyone who asks.

I would ask that you use your influence with Skanky to persuade her to leave my husband alone. You should also watch your own husbands around her because she is no friend to marriage.

I would appreciate it if someone would notify her parents and ask them to call me at xxx-www-xxxx.
Thank you, BW
Posted By: CynicalRomantic Re: BS Set Nuke & Exposure Questions - 10/02/10 04:45 AM
So apparently I accidentally messaged the family members with a form letter from her FB account. Oops. Oh well...I guess it's going to come out anyway.

I also sent messages to a lot of our close mutual friends.

The storm that's coming tomorrow is going to be ridiculous.
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: BS Set Nuke & Exposure Questions - 10/02/10 04:46 AM
What was the message you sent?
Posted By: CynicalRomantic Re: BS Set Nuke & Exposure Questions - 10/02/10 05:14 AM
Originally Posted By: MelodyLane
What was the message you sent?

Essentially that second sample one (with gender/names changed).
Posted By: CynicalRomantic Re: BS Set Nuke & Exposure Questions - 10/02/10 02:25 PM
This is really really hard. I'm trying to remain strong. She awoke this morning to chaos. The past couple of hours, she's screamed at me many times insisting that she's going to go file the divorce papers. Her phone has been blowing up and she's been bawling. She's talked to a couple of people, but she's also been screening a lot of calls. In a particularly frantic moment, she slapped me hard across the face and threw my cell phone in the toilet (losing that support network temporarily sucks).

She's pretty furious that I messaged the OM's 16-year-old cousin on FB. (I just was trying to message friends of his with his last name.)

She also thinks that this will destroy her image in the industry and that she won't get work anymore.
Posted By: maritalbliss Re: BS Set Nuke & Exposure Questions - 10/02/10 02:32 PM
Quote:
I told her mother who she's very close to. To tell her dad would be a bit complicated. They have a relationship, but it's strained at times. I don't think he would do the best at approaching the situation in love. I was pretty sure if I told him that he'd send a text to her along the lines of 'What in the heck are you doing to your husband?'


This is exactly the response you want! Expose to him asap. You don't want people commiserating with you WW! You want them to verbally kick her butt!
Posted By: maritalbliss Re: BS Set Nuke & Exposure Questions - 10/02/10 02:36 PM
Quote:
Also, she left her phone in the kitchen tonight when she went to sleep...I just heard it beep. It's a text from the OM saying that he misses her. I'm so torn on whether I should reply/block/erase or some combination.


Why don't you text the ahole back and let him know of your 'displeasure' at his adulterous behavior toward your wife. And you sincere desire to make him physically uncomfortable for his actions, as in kicking his ass? And that would be letting him off easy! Some homewreckers get their asses shot off!
Posted By: CynicalRomantic Re: BS Set Nuke & Exposure Questions - 10/02/10 02:38 PM
I told the FIL. I've probably exposed to about 25-30 people now.

I'm in unbelievable pain seeing her in such pain. I know she absolutely hates me at the moment, and I love her so dearly.

Originally Posted By: maritalbliss
Why don't you text the ahole back and let him know of your 'displeasure' at his adulterous behavior toward your wife. And you sincere desire to make him physically uncomfortable for his actions, as in kicking his ass? And that would be letting him off easy! Some homewreckers get their asses shot off!

I texted back with a curt "Please leave my wife alone" before turning the phone off. Apparently he must've responded "Really? She came to me."
Posted By: bitbucket Re: BS Set Nuke & Exposure Questions - 10/02/10 02:44 PM
Originally Posted By: CynicalRomantic
In a particularly frantic moment, she slapped me hard across the face


If this happens again, call the police and file a DV complaint. You can be sure that if you took a swing at her, you'd be hauled away in handcuffs.

Do not tolerate abuse, stay calm, and do not apologize for exposing.
Posted By: Unfettered Re: BS Set Nuke & Exposure Questions - 10/02/10 02:52 PM
Originally Posted By: CynicalRomantic

I'm in unbelievable pain seeing her in such pain. I know she absolutely hates me at the moment, and I love her so dearly.


Cynic,
I know its tough, but stay strong. You did the right thing. Whenever you have doubts that exposure was the right thing to do, just remember where silence got you. Repeated false "recoveries" while she continued to screw the OM. And know that 99.9% of all Waywards say some form of "I was going to work on the marriage until you exposed. I can't trust you and Im filing for divorce right away." They are just angry that their dirty little secret is out. Stay strong and follow the advice you get here. You may still lose your marriage, but you will be able to look yourself in the mirror knowing that you fought for it and didn't just go quietly into the night.

And please buy yourself a digital recorder and record your conversations with her. She may try to file a false police report that you hit her just to get you thrown either in jail or out of the house. Protect yourself and definitely talk to the police if she slaps you again.

Best of luck.
Posted By: CynicalRomantic Re: BS Set Nuke & Exposure Questions - 10/02/10 02:53 PM
I can take a slap. She's never done anything physically abusive before.

She says that I've handed a suicidal person a gun.
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: BS Set Nuke & Exposure Questions - 10/02/10 03:21 PM
CR, it sounds like things are going great! Don't let her dramatics get to you. You have just brought a crowd of onlookers into the crack house and the crackheads are furious because you have ruined their high!

Her anger will blow over so don't let it bother you. Don't argue, debate or LAUGH when she attacks you. When the addiction wears off she will be grateful for what you did.
Posted By: CynicalRomantic Re: BS Set Nuke & Exposure Questions - 10/02/10 03:34 PM
I'm so very scared.
Posted By: maritalbliss Re: BS Set Nuke & Exposure Questions - 10/02/10 03:37 PM
Quote:
I texted back with a curt "Please leave my wife alone" before turning the phone off. Apparently he must've responded "Really? She came to me."


Immaterial. The ahole needs to know that the smartest thing he could ever do is turn and run when your WW 'goes to him.'
Posted By: Unfettered Re: BS Set Nuke & Exposure Questions - 10/02/10 03:46 PM
Originally Posted By: CynicalRomantic

I texted back with a curt "Please leave my wife alone" before turning the phone off. Apparently he must've responded "Really? She came to me."


If you have to text him again, tell him that you if end up divorcing your wife on the grounds of her adultery, HE is going to end up on the stand discussing it under threat of perjury. Look up alienation of affection laws in your state to see if they exist there. Just the threat of that lawsuit should be enough to make him run for the hills. The purpose here is that the very first thing you need to worry about is crushing this affair like a bug. Once the affair is over, then you can begin the work of recovering your marriage.
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: BS Set Nuke & Exposure Questions - 10/02/10 03:53 PM
Originally Posted By: CynicalRomantic
I'm so very scared.


CR, thats ok, we were all scared too. Just don't allow your fear to lead your strategy or you are doomed. Tell her you will do what it takes to bust up her affair.
Posted By: Mark1952 Re: BS Set Nuke & Exposure Questions - 10/02/10 04:13 PM
Originally Posted By: Unfettered
The purpose here is that the very first thing you need to worry about is crushing this affair like a bug. Once the affair is over, then you can begin the work of recovering your marriage.

There is nothing more important for you to understand than this, IMO. You can't *fix* your marriage as long as the affair is going on. You can't save it by fixing it and you can only fix it if you save it.

Your wife is not your enemy.

OM is not your enemy.

The AFFAIR is your enemy.

You have believed, like most of us when we got here, that your goal should be to prevent or avoid having conflict with your wife. But that isn't going to stop her from having an affair. You need her to be involved in conflict continuously as it relates to the affair. All conflict must center around the affair until it ends.

Your goal is to make the affair harder than working on the marriage. She will be mad about that. She's been mad before and will be again, but unless the affair is dead, your marriage will die.

Exposure works like chemotherapy or radiation therapy does for cancer. While the treatment itself might be poisonous and make things difficult for a time, unless they are used you die a slow and agonizing death as you succumb to the disease.

Waywards believe that what they are doing is not wrong only as long as no one knows about what they are doing. IF they truly believed the garbage they tell themselves about the affair being pure, wholesome, righteous, right (even just for them) and all the rest, they should be shouting the praises of the affair from the rooftops. But instead they hide what they do, from their spouses and from other people, some they don't even know. They thereby prove that even they believe that what they do is wrong.

Exposure works to pressure the affair better than any other thing you can do. You also need to remember that even when the affair is over for real, you will have to be patient as she suffers from withdrawal from the effects of the affair and OM. She might never fall at your feet and beg you to take her back. If you want to save your marriage, you need to be willing to accept that and work on making it a better marriage anyway.

Mark
Posted By: CynicalRomantic Re: BS Set Nuke & Exposure Questions - 10/02/10 04:15 PM
She just packed and left. She basically blames me for ruining her life and our M. She left noting that she wants to kill herself but was likely too much of a coward. A friend apparently reminded her in a text today to remember her promise to God of "'til death do us part"...she said maybe she'd be able to honor that if she committed suicide.

I'm in such tears.

She also told me that I don't understand her family very well in that when they don't like a situation, they leave and never come back. I know she's so independent.

I need to go get another phone, because I'm dying without my vocal support network.
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: BS Set Nuke & Exposure Questions - 10/02/10 04:30 PM
Originally Posted By: CynicalRomantic
She just packed and left. She basically blames me for ruining her life and our M. She left noting that she wants to kill herself but was likely too much of a coward. A friend apparently reminded her in a text today to remember her promise to God of "'til death do us part"...she said maybe she'd be able to honor that if she committed suicide.

I'm in such tears.

She also told me that I don't understand her family very well in that when they don't like a situation, they leave and never come back. I know she's so independent.

I need to go get another phone, because I'm dying without my vocal support network.



CR, you need to buck up here, friend, and get control of your emotions. What has happened here is a good thing, despite your wife's drama queen act. She is furious for good reason: you wrecked her affair.

The angrier a WS, the more damage you caused to the affair. She is the crackhead who is angry because you took her crack away. If she would only stay with you on the condition that she could have her affair, then your marriage was over anyway.

Waywards always go crazy when their affairs are ruined. She is trying to scare you into submission, so don't react and stop fretting. This will blow over, but if you react with FEAR, she will know she can manipulate you into submission.

CALM YOURSELF DOWN!!
Posted By: CynicalRomantic Re: BS Set Nuke & Exposure Questions - 10/02/10 04:48 PM
Originally Posted By: MelodyLane

CR, you need to buck up here, friend, and get control of your emotions. What has happened here is a good thing, despite your wife's drama queen act. She is furious for good reason: you wrecked her affair.

The angrier a WS, the more damage you caused to the affair. She is the crackhead who is angry because you took her crack away. If she would only stay with you on the condition that she could have her affair, then your marriage was over anyway.

Waywards always go crazy when their affairs are ruined. She is trying to scare you into submission, so don't react and stop fretting. This will blow over, but if you react with FEAR, she will know she can manipulate you into submission.

CALM YOURSELF DOWN!!

Yeah. I know that everything's going according to the book so far, so I'm supposed to be reassured by that, but it's still pretty much the hardest emotional state that I can recall dealing with.

I've got a close friend that I'm talking with at the moment that's helping some. I want to go get a new phone (the other was on its last legs anyway), but an electrician is coming by sometime this afternoon. I don't really want to leave the house unlocked and unattended.
Posted By: Unfettered Re: BS Set Nuke & Exposure Questions - 10/02/10 05:04 PM
Originally Posted By: CynicalRomantic
Yeah. I know that everything's going according to the book so far, so I'm supposed to be reassured by that, but it's still pretty much the hardest emotional state that I can recall dealing with.

I've got a close friend that I'm talking with at the moment that's helping some. I want to go get a new phone (the other was on its last legs anyway), but an electrician is coming by sometime this afternoon. I don't really want to leave the house unlocked and unattended.


Yeah, not a good idea to leave it unlocked and unattended. Another thing to think about now is your access to money. It is not unheard of for Waywards to clean out savings accounts, so if she has access to the family money, you may need to withdraw it until you know she isn't going to simply steal it from you.

Now might be a good time to write her a letter stating your reasons for exposure. She's not likely to "hear" it right now, but maybe you'll get lucky. I'd just tell her that you love her and it was clear she wasn't going to end her affair with this man. So you had no choice but to expose to try and kill it yourself so you have a real shot at rebuilding your marriage.
Posted By: CynicalRomantic Re: BS Set Nuke & Exposure Questions - 10/02/10 05:20 PM
Originally Posted By: Unfettered
Yeah, not a good idea to leave it unlocked and unattended. Another thing to think about now is your access to money. It is not unheard of for Waywards to clean out savings accounts, so if she has access to the family money, you may need to withdraw it until you know she isn't going to simply steal it from you.

Now might be a good time to write her a letter stating your reasons for exposure. She's not likely to "hear" it right now, but maybe you'll get lucky. I'd just tell her that you love her and it was clear she wasn't going to end her affair with this man. So you had no choice but to expose to try and kill it yourself so you have a real shot at rebuilding your marriage.

As she was leaving, she left her bank card and credit card. She also left all of our cash. She didn't want anyone to ever accuse her of stealing from me. She definitely won't steal it.

I actually attempted to semi-explain the exposure during the chaos (probably a bad idea...but I have a hard time not answering questions). She's actually the one that told me about MB early in our M. We came back to it when the affair initially became an issue. I told her I'd been reading it recently. This morning, she somewhat screamed about how MB said to write a NC letter but didn't say anything about exposure. I guess she hadn't read far enough.
Posted By: IHadEnough Re: BS Set Nuke & Exposure Questions - 10/02/10 05:25 PM
Originally Posted By: CynicalRomantic
She just packed and left. She basically blames me for ruining her life and our M. She left noting that she wants to kill herself but was likely too much of a coward. A friend apparently reminded her in a text today to remember her promise to God of "'til death do us part"...she said maybe she'd be able to honor that if she committed suicide.

I'm in such tears.

She also told me that I don't understand her family very well in that when they don't like a situation, they leave and never come back. I know she's so independent.

I need to go get another phone, because I'm dying without my vocal support network.


Good job you just took an important step in your life. I think you are forgetting what has been going on.

Your wife is sleeping with another man. You did not have a marriage anymore. Until you take action your WW would just keep abusing you. Don't let her do that.

As a man there is nothing worse than having a wife sleeping around. You can do better. Maybe go get some counseling and try and find out why you would put up with that.

The exposure will end the secrecy. If I were you I would tell her that you thought she wanted people to know about her new boyfriend. Why else would she have a new boyfriend?

What did you have before you exposed this? You had nothing and you were on your way to being replaced. It may still happen but if it does you will know you did everything to save your marriage.

The men who fail are the men who don't take action. The men who don't take action out of fear lose their wives. I lost mine but not because she chose the OM. I dumped her because she slept with another man. When I took action my WW changed her tune in a hurry when I exposed and then booted her out.

Don't sit back keep moving forward with or without her.
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: BS Set Nuke & Exposure Questions - 10/02/10 05:28 PM
Originally Posted By: CynicalRomantic
This morning, she somewhat screamed about how MB said to write a NC letter but didn't say anything about exposure. I guess she hadn't read far enough.


I guess not. grin

Listen, I wouldn't try and reason with her at all. That is like trying to reason with a falling down drunk who just got his booze taken away. Just tell her "sorry you so upset, dear!" And leave it at that.

Nothing you can say can persuade her of the benefit of exposure and trying to do so just looks like you are desperate, which will embolden her to abuse you.

The WORST THING you can do is react to her fury in any way. Don't apologize, don't fight, don't laugh, don't try to reason. Just be calm and FIRM.
Posted By: CynicalRomantic Re: BS Set Nuke & Exposure Questions - 10/02/10 06:00 PM
Originally Posted By: MelodyLane
The WORST THING you can do is react to her fury in any way. Don't apologize, don't fight, don't laugh, don't try to reason. Just be calm and FIRM.

I don't think I apologized. I tried to minimize the fighting. I definitely didn't laugh. I probably did try to reason some.

Originally Posted By: IHadEnough
You can do better. Maybe go get some counseling and try and find out why you would put up with that.

I'm definitely not opposed to counseling. Getting a lot of that from my support network at the moment. I think the reason that I "put up with it" was that I didn't see it that way. I promised to love her unconditionally for better or worse. I still do.
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: BS Set Nuke & Exposure Questions - 10/02/10 06:26 PM
Originally Posted By: CynicalRomantic
I promised to love her unconditionally for better or worse. I still do.


"Unconditional love" only gives the recipient unrealistic expectations of entitlement. It gives her license to abuse you so essentially you have created a monster.

Secondly, I assure you that you won't love her unconditionally for long if she continues to abuse you with her adultery. Adultery is a lovebuster that will erode your love for her. You will grow to hate her eventually if you don't remove yourself from the situation.

Originally Posted By: Dr Willard Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders
The concept of unconditional love in marriage usually refers to a spouse’s lifelong commitment to care for the other spouse regardless of what the other spouse does. I’m in favor of a lifelong commitment to care regardless of unfavorable circumstances (health problems, financial setbacks, and other factors outside a couple’s control that can negatively impact a marriage). But I’m opposed to a lifelong commitment to care for a spouse when that spouse makes marriage-wrecking choices. It tends to give such people unrealistic expectations of entitlement—that they should be cared for, regardless of their willingness to care in return. Neglect and abuse characterize many marriages based on unconditional love.
here

Another article that addresses this issue: What’s Wrong with Unconditional Love
by Willard F. Harley, Jr., Ph.D.
Posted By: clark_kent Re: BS Set Nuke & Exposure Questions - 10/02/10 07:29 PM
@CynicalRomantic -

My XGF yelled, screamed, called me vindictive after exposure.

One week later, last night, she tells me that she should be mad at me, but she isn't.

You've given the people around you both, a choice of three options to select from:
  1. BH
  2. WW
  3. BH and WW


Now you need to find out which of those people selected option 3. Bring them into your support group. Throw away the option 1 and 2 people.

Quote:
I'm so very scared.


This is fear. It is normal. It is telling you to fight or take to flight.

Because both of these actions are going to make you react from instincts and habits, in other words you are going to be not thinking clearly, just reacting immediately. You need a plan of action, Plan A. That way when you do react you have a set of instructions to work from, Plan A.

Where is your Plan A?

You need to read Mark's Rant For Newbies.
Posted By: Iconoclast Re: BS Set Nuke & Exposure Questions - 10/02/10 08:26 PM
Pardon me for interrupting. First post. But felt it was necessary for you to be aware of the shift in the power dynamic of your relationship. You have seized the power, which she had, and is now impotent. Perhaps an experienced poster can expand upon that. Think about it, it may help allay your fears, and build your confidence.
Posted By: maritalbliss Re: BS Set Nuke & Exposure Questions - 10/02/10 11:58 PM
Originally Posted By: CynicalRomantic
She just packed and left. She basically blames me for ruining her life and our M. She left noting that she wants to kill herself but was likely too much of a coward. A friend apparently reminded her in a text today to remember her promise to God of "'til death do us part"...she said maybe she'd be able to honor that if she committed suicide.

I'm in such tears.

She also told me that I don't understand her family very well in that when they don't like a situation, they leave and never come back. I know she's so independent.

I need to go get another phone, because I'm dying without my vocal support network.


CR, I want you to do this: sit down in a quiet room and cry your eyes out over this terrible turn of events. I'll wait.

Okay, all done? Now, put on your big boy pants and get ready to tackle this. Skip all that entitlement garbage about how her family does something a certain way, so she has to, too. That means nothing in this situation.

She's not going to kill herself. That is a manipulative tool that she's using against you.

She needs to know that she can come home when she is ready to eliminate OM from the picture.
Posted By: CynicalRomantic Re: BS Set Nuke & Exposure Questions - 10/03/10 03:18 AM
Originally Posted By: MelodyLane
"Unconditional love" only gives the recipient unrealistic expectations of entitlement. It gives her license to abuse you so essentially you have created a monster.

Secondly, I assure you that you won't love her unconditionally for long if she continues to abuse you with her adultery. Adultery is a lovebuster that will erode your love for her. You will grow to hate her eventually if you don't remove yourself from the situation.

Originally Posted By: Dr Willard Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders
The concept of unconditional love in marriage usually refers to a spouse’s lifelong commitment to care for the other spouse regardless of what the other spouse does. I’m in favor of a lifelong commitment to care regardless of unfavorable circumstances (health problems, financial setbacks, and other factors outside a couple’s control that can negatively impact a marriage). But I’m opposed to a lifelong commitment to care for a spouse when that spouse makes marriage-wrecking choices. It tends to give such people unrealistic expectations of entitlement—that they should be cared for, regardless of their willingness to care in return. Neglect and abuse characterize many marriages based on unconditional love.
here

Another article that addresses this issue: What’s Wrong with Unconditional Love
by Willard F. Harley, Jr., Ph.D.

I felt like I remembered reading those a while ago and feeling conflicted. I've also been reading Real Love in Marriage, and I feel like the ideas are competing a bit in my head. Isn't Plan A in a sense unconditional love? (Granted, since it's a period of time, I suppose that represents a condition.) Like, you're pouring love into the other person without necessarily expecting anything in return. Unconditional love doesn't mean there aren't "parameters" per se and it definitely doesn't mean unconditional trust.

Originally Posted By: clark_kent

You've given the people around you both, a choice of three options to select from:
  1. BH
  2. WW
  3. BH and WW


Now you need to find out which of those people selected option 3. Bring them into your support group. Throw away the option 1 and 2 people.

Because both of these actions are going to make you react from instincts and habits, in other words you are going to be not thinking clearly, just reacting immediately. You need a plan of action, Plan A. That way when you do react you have a set of instructions to work from, Plan A.

Where is your Plan A?

You need to read Mark's Rant For Newbies.

Fortunately almost everyone that I've heard from is option 3. (Excepting his family somewhat.) I specifically selected them since I suspected they would be. There are a few that seem to only be on my side, but I'm not suggesting that they have contact with her.

Yeah. I definitely should put together a more formal Plan A for my specific situation.

WW has talked to me in short bits throughout the rest of the day (almost entirely initiated by her). Nothing particularly substantive...mostly stuff like, "Your parents want to talk to you." (They were out of the loop a bit while I was getting a replacement phone.) I responded, "I believe your parents would like to talk to you too." (She screened them and most everyone other than a few people today.) She informed me when the electrician would be by this evening. She sent me a YouTube link to George Strait's "Give It Away". I texted her to ask what she was going to do without debit/credit/money. She said 'Work.' Only other things that I could get out of her were 'I am fine.' MIL just informed me that WW texted her that she's alive and alone. (Great news in a sense...though obviously would prefer she be back home or with family.) After consecutive "I am fine"s, I decided to try not to bother her. Probably will say goodnight and reaffirm that she's loved and leave it at that until tomorrow.

Another interesting development...one of the OM's relatives called me this afternoon. She didn't identify who she was, but she expressed disbelief over the situation. I verified the details for her. She noted that OM recently had been dating a girl (that wasn't WW). Adds an interesting wrinkle, I think. She said she'd try to find out more but didn't think that OM's family was necessarily going to have much influence.

Oh, and my dad flew into town for a day. My mom will fly in tomorrow and stay for a few days. I don't think it's necessary...and I'm a smidge worried about what the ramifications are if WW wife returns in that time frame...but I suppose it's good to have personal support.
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: BS Set Nuke & Exposure Questions - 10/03/10 03:28 AM
Originally Posted By: CynicalRomantic

I felt like I remembered reading those a while ago and feeling conflicted. I've also been reading Real Love in Marriage, and I feel like the ideas are competing a bit in my head. Isn't Plan A in a sense unconditional love? (Granted, since it's a period of time, I suppose that represents a condition.) Like, you're pouring love into the other person without necessarily expecting anything in return. Unconditional love doesn't mean there aren't "parameters" per se and it definitely doesn't mean unconditional trust.


Plan A is only the expression of a willingness to meet the other spouses needs *IF* he/she ends her affair. So it is very conditional. And if the affair does not end in a short period of time, then separation is warranted. Like Dr Harley stated, "Neglect and abuse characterize many marriages based on unconditional love."
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: BS Set Nuke & Exposure Questions - 10/03/10 03:32 AM
Originally Posted By: CynicalRomantic


Oh, and my dad flew into town for a day. My mom will fly in tomorrow and stay for a few days. I don't think it's necessary...and I'm a smidge worried about what the ramifications are if WW wife returns in that time frame...but I suppose it's good to have personal support.


I think thats great!! Will she meet with your parents? I would let her know that your parents are coming to see you because they are concerned about her affair.

Quote:
Another interesting development...one of the OM's relatives called me this afternoon. She didn't identify who she was, but she expressed disbelief over the situation. I verified the details for her. She noted that OM recently had been dating a girl (that wasn't WW). Adds an interesting wrinkle, I think. She said she'd try to find out more but didn't think that OM's family was necessarily going to have much influence.


This is a loaded PISTOL right here that could blow the affair wife open. I wouild tell your wife about this call and see if you can find out who the OM's GF is.

Tell your wife that "I hate to be the one to inform you, but OM's sister <?> called me and said he is dating another woman. Did you know about this?"

Can you ID the GF from his facebook page? That would be fabulous if you could contact her!
Posted By: CynicalRomantic Re: BS Set Nuke & Exposure Questions - 10/03/10 03:48 AM
Originally Posted By: Iconoclast
Pardon me for interrupting. First post. But felt it was necessary for you to be aware of the shift in the power dynamic of your relationship. You have seized the power, which she had, and is now impotent. Perhaps an experienced poster can expand upon that. Think about it, it may help allay your fears, and build your confidence.

I'm definitely in more of a confident place tonight than I was earlier today. I tend to be quite emotional and conservative in my states, but I adapt quickly to new circumstances.

Originally Posted By: maritalbliss
CR, I want you to do this: sit down in a quiet room and cry your eyes out over this terrible turn of events. I'll wait.

Okay, all done? Now, put on your big boy pants and get ready to tackle this. Skip all that entitlement garbage about how her family does something a certain way, so she has to, too. That means nothing in this situation.

She's not going to kill herself. That is a manipulative tool that she's using against you.

She needs to know that she can come home when she is ready to eliminate OM from the picture.

I think I'm cried out for the moment. Probably happened 3-4 times yesterday afternoon during the exposure to close family and then 4 times this morning/afternoon on the heels of the blowup. Since then...maybe once or twice. I think I'm gradually getting stronger.

Funny the 'big boy pants' line...she occasionally likes to pull that one out in a semi-belittling tone when she thinks I'm being immature about something. (I don't think that you mean it in a condescending fashion...merely frank levity.)

I agree that the family stuff line from her was bull. It's a very stupid excuse, and I'm sure her parents would not be happy to hear it.

I don't think she'll kill herself either.

I feel like it should be understood, but I probably do need to relate the last point to her.

Oh, and I made the right decision in staying in our new home, yes? (She gave me a choice.)
Posted By: CynicalRomantic Re: BS Set Nuke & Exposure Questions - 10/03/10 03:55 AM
Originally Posted By: MelodyLane
I think thats great!! Will she meet with your parents? I would let her know that your parents are coming to see you because they are concerned about her affair.

This is a loaded PISTOL right here that could blow the affair wife open. I wouild tell your wife about this call and see if you can find out who the OM's GF is.

Tell your wife that "I hate to be the one to inform you, but OM's sister <?> called me and said he is dating another woman. Did you know about this?"

Can you ID the GF from his facebook page? That would be fabulous if you could contact her!

My mom definitely wants to meet with her, though my dad feels that my mom is quite unhappy with WW (understandably). I'm not entirely sure how helpful that would be. WW "loves" my family but has a lot more respect for her own family than mine.

I think that I might wait until tomorrow on telling her about the revelation since it's so late. It also could backfire a little (and hence look weak) if I suggest it as a juicy secret and she already knows or can explain it away somehow, so I think I need to word it carefully.

Unfortunately, the OM has privacy settings that don't allow me to find him on my account. I'm not sure if he's blocked me or what after my family-finding stunt. I'd use WW's account like last night, but she changed the password this morning.
Posted By: bitbucket Re: BS Set Nuke & Exposure Questions - 10/03/10 03:59 AM
Originally Posted By: CynicalRomantic
[ I'd use WW's account like last night, but she changed the password this morning.


A keylogger will be one of your best friends. She's going to be in contact with him via FB or email and you may as well see what's being said. That plus a VAR on your person (for your protection against bogus DV claims) and a VAR in her car to catch what is being said to OM or other affair supporters would be golden.

Forgot to ask, how long have you been married? Have either of you been married before? Do you have children together? How old are both of you?

Follow the previous advice about protecting your finances.

You're doing fine.
Posted By: CynicalRomantic Re: BS Set Nuke & Exposure Questions - 10/03/10 04:46 AM
Originally Posted By: bitbucket
A keylogger will be one of your best friends. She's going to be in contact with him via FB or email and you may as well see what's being said. That plus a VAR on your person (for your protection against bogus DV claims) and a VAR in her car to catch what is being said to OM or other affair supporters would be golden.

Forgot to ask, how long have you been married? Have either of you been married before? Do you have children together? How old are both of you?

Follow the previous advice about protecting your finances.

You're doing fine.

Bogus DV claims would be extremely contrary to her personality and probably laughed at considering my temperament and character. I really don't think there are any affair supporters that I can think of.

I probably should update my signature to include these facts. We've been married a little over 2 years. Neither of us has been married before. No children. I'm 28. She'll be 28 in a couple of weeks.

Let me see what the next few days entail before making financial decisions. I'm comfortable with having money stored where in a variety of places. Also I think I mentioned it before, but when she left, she vehemently "surrendered" her debit and credit card and took no cash "so that no one could ever say that she stole" from me.
Posted By: Unfettered Re: BS Set Nuke & Exposure Questions - 10/03/10 12:21 PM
Originally Posted By: CynicalRomantic

I probably should update my signature to include these facts. We've been married a little over 2 years. Neither of us has been married before. No children. I'm 28. She'll be 28 in a couple of weeks.


Cynic,
I'll give you the advice you will probably get here now. The first two years is the honeymoon period of a marriage and should be the timeframe in which you really can do no wrong with your spouse. If a spouse cheats in that time, and you have no children together, I believe Dr. Harley (or at least this message forum) recommends that you strongly consider divorce. Your entire marriage together will be in the shadow of this adultery. Its too early for you to make snap decisions, but you should at least consider it. Even if you get her to come home now, approximately 6 months from now you are looking at an anger period in which you ask yourself why you tolerated such abuse.
Posted By: maritalbliss Re: BS Set Nuke & Exposure Questions - 10/03/10 12:53 PM
Quote:
(I don't think that you mean it in a condescending fashion...merely frank levity.)


Hey, your WW stole my line! smile No, that is a phrase used often around here to give betrayeds a little 'shake' and get them moving. Just shooting straight.
Posted By: CynicalRomantic Re: BS Set Nuke & Exposure Questions - 10/03/10 02:30 PM
It's closer to 2.5 years. And, I really don't think that I will harbor anger. It'll be more of a rebuilding trust issue.
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: BS Set Nuke & Exposure Questions - 10/03/10 03:02 PM
Originally Posted By: CynicalRomantic

My mom definitely wants to meet with her, though my dad feels that my mom is quite unhappy with WW (understandably). I'm not entirely sure how helpful that would be. WW "loves" my family but has a lot more respect for her own family than mine.


Are you trying to protect your wife from any "unhappiness??" Please stop that!! Of course your mother is unhappy with her and your WW needs to hear that! Your WW needs to face your mother and ANSWER for her actions. That will be therapeutic for your wife.

CR, I get the feeling that you want to protect your wife from anything outside of blowing smoke up her behind. I hope I am wrong about this, but your wife needs to hear the disgust and anger of her family and friends. Any person that truly CARES about your wife is going to open up a can of whoopass on her.

If your mother cares about her, she will give her holy hell and you should not stand in her way!

Quote:
I think that I might wait until tomorrow on telling her about the revelation since it's so late. It also could backfire a little (and hence look weak) if I suggest it as a juicy secret and she already knows or can explain it away somehow, so I think I need to word it carefully.


I agree, but make sure she knows. Say something like "I got a call from JoeScumbag's sister; did you know about his girlfriend??" <----------be sure and get that in!!

Quote:
Unfortunately, the OM has privacy settings that don't allow me to find him on my account. I'm not sure if he's blocked me or what after my family-finding stunt. I'd use WW's account like last night, but she changed the password this morning.


Can you set up another fb account under another name?
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: BS Set Nuke & Exposure Questions - 10/03/10 03:03 PM
Originally Posted By: Unfettered
[ If a spouse cheats in that time, and you have no children together, I believe Dr. Harley (or at least this message forum) recommends that you strongly consider divorce. Your entire marriage together will be in the shadow of this adultery. Its too early for you to make snap decisions, but you should at least consider it. .


A good point to consider, CR. A spouse that cheats this early on is not a good sign. Can you imagine going through this with 3 little kids and a mortgage on the hook? This might not bode well for your future.
Posted By: Unfettered Re: BS Set Nuke & Exposure Questions - 10/03/10 03:11 PM
Originally Posted By: CynicalRomantic
It's closer to 2.5 years. And, I really don't think that I will harbor anger. It'll be more of a rebuilding trust issue.


The difference is negligable. Besides, when did her affair start? Hasn't she known the OM for a year, so you are looking at possibly an EA that started 1.5 years into your marriage.

Also, nearly everyone goes through the anger phase. It comes about when you are starting to feel secure in the relationship again and your taker comes roaring back with a vengeance. You will most likely be no different in this regard.
Posted By: maritalbliss Re: BS Set Nuke & Exposure Questions - 10/03/10 06:27 PM
Quote:
Bogus DV claims would be extremely contrary to her personality and probably laughed at considering my temperament and character.


The police won't laugh. They'll arrest you.
Posted By: CynicalRomantic Re: BS Set Nuke & Exposure Questions - 10/03/10 10:37 PM
Originally Posted By: MelodyLane
Are you trying to protect your wife from any "unhappiness??" Please stop that!! Of course your mother is unhappy with her and your WW needs to hear that! Your WW needs to face your mother and ANSWER for her actions. That will be therapeutic for your wife.

CR, I get the feeling that you want to protect your wife from anything outside of blowing smoke up her ass. I hope I am wrong about this, but your wife needs to hear the disgust and anger of her family and friends. Any person that truly CARES about your wife is going to open up a can of whoopass on her.

If your mother cares about her, she will give her holy hell and you should not stand in her way!

I agree, but make sure she knows. Say something like "I got a call from JoeScumbag's sister; did you know about his girlfriend??" <----------be sure and get that in!!

Can you set up another fb account under another name?

There's definitely a balancing act involved. I want her to feel convicted about what she's done (she does somewhat). It's getting her to the point where she'll actually take positive and lasting action from the conviction.

I texted her about the girlfriend just now. We'll see if that gets any response.

We've been communicating a bit briefly. She informed me that she came by while I was out of the house today while I was dropping off my dad at the airport and picking up my mom. It appears she's telling the truth when she said she just took her clothes, meds, and shoes. My mom texted WW and said she'd like to see her while she's in town until Thursday. WW replied that she likely won't be home again and that maybe my mom can help me make it a better home. *sigh*

I'm not sure that another FB account would solve it.

She's been talking to a few mutual friends that have been acting somewhat as supportive (to our M) mediators. I viewed that as encouraging and hoped that it was a sign of the affair having ended.

Unfortunately, I started checking the phone records. They talked last night for a couple of hours. They also texted about 15 times yesterday and 20 times today. I went ahead and blocked her from receiving his phone calls and texts. Part of me felt bad about violating her freedom of speech in a sense, but if the idea is to wreck the affair and cause chaos, I think that step probably needs to be taken. The next question...do I spend the money on parental controls to stop her from calling/texting him? (I feel like they could pretty easily subvert it.)
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: BS Set Nuke & Exposure Questions - 10/03/10 11:06 PM
Originally Posted By: CynicalRomantic

There's definitely a balancing act involved. I want her to feel convicted about what she's done (she does somewhat). It's getting her to the point where she'll actually take positive and lasting action from the conviction.


CR, what is important is not a "balancing act" but the honest insight of others that expresses their disgust and disappointment. That will wake her up. Don't even think about protecting her from that. She NEEDS to hear it. What will motivate her to positive action is hearing the displeasure of others.

The only opinions that are dangerous are the nitwits who say stupid things like "just do what makes you happy! squeek!"

Quote:
I texted her about the girlfriend just now. We'll see if that gets any response.


Quote:
I'm not sure that another FB account would solve it.


I suggested you start another FB account so you can get the names of his friends and hopefully find out the name of his girlfriend so you can email her and tell her about the affair. i think if you PM more of his facebook friends you could at least get to her.

What about his parents? Did you get to them?

See, OM are pansies who usually run at the first sign of trouble. He thinks he has won right now, but if you cause more trouble for him, he will likely run.

What about her father? Have you been in contact with him? The best thing would be for him to call her and try to persuade her to end her affair. I would call and update him about the situation and ask if he will contact HER and contact the OM.

Posted By: MelodyLane Re: BS Set Nuke & Exposure Questions - 10/03/10 11:10 PM
Originally Posted By: CynicalRomantic
[ I went ahead and blocked her from receiving his phone calls and texts. Part of me felt bad about violating her freedom of speech in a sense, but if the idea is to wreck the affair and cause chaos, I think that step probably needs to be taken.


Freedom of speech only applies to congress. You did the right thing! Your job is to cause holy hell in that affair! And you are doing a great job so far.. smile

This is for the loser OM:

Posted By: MelodyLane Re: BS Set Nuke & Exposure Questions - 10/03/10 11:28 PM
Originally Posted By: CynicalRomantic
[She informed me that she came by while I was out of the house today while I was dropping off my dad at the airport and picking up my mom.


CR, would your mother be willing to call the parents of the OM and ask them to use their persuasion to influence their son to leave your W alone?

I know that if someone called me and told me such a thing about my 28 year boy that there would be hell to pay. I would do everything in my power to stop my son from behaving in such a trashy way.

I would be interested in hearing your mother's opinion about continuing this marriage. Here you are married just 2 short years and you are already dealing with an affair. I would strongly reconsider having children with a woman who has such loose boundaries. You might be damning yourself and some future children to a life of hell with such a thoughtless, selfish woman.

Can your mother come post and give us her thoughts?
Posted By: CynicalRomantic Re: BS Set Nuke & Exposure Questions - 10/04/10 12:41 AM
Originally Posted By: MelodyLane
The only opinions that are dangerous are the nitwits who say stupid things like "just do what makes you happy! squeek!"

Quote:
I'm not sure that another FB account would solve it.


I suggested you start another FB account so you can get the names of his friends and hopefully find out the name of his girlfriend so you can email her and tell her about the affair. i think if you PM more of his facebook friends you could at least get to her.

What about his parents? Did you get to them?

See, OM are pansies who usually run at the first sign of trouble. He thinks he has won right now, but if you cause more trouble for him, he will likely run.

What about her father? Have you been in contact with him? The best thing would be for him to call her and try to persuade her to end her affair. I would call and update him about the situation and ask if he will contact HER and contact the OM.

Fortunately we don't have anyone saying that to her (do what makes you happy).

I'm not sure that he listed his girlfriend in his profile. I think he had a decent bit of information private unless you were friends with him. I can't find him on a search. I suppose I could try to get a friend to look him up and see if he's just blocked me.

The relative that I spoke to...I think it might've been his mom. One of the OM last names that I messaged looked to be a middle-aged/older woman. She only identified herself on the phone as, "I was asked to call this number." Based on the sample letter #2, that would imply a parent.

I've been in steady contact with her dad, yes. He's been trying to reach the WW, but she hasn't answered any calls from family. GMIL apparently talked to WW's uncle who she's close too though...he's not happy to put it mildly.
Posted By: CRmom Re: BS Set Nuke & Exposure Questions - 10/04/10 01:12 AM
This is CRMom and I have told my son to not worry about anything that he has done so far. He has definitely been handling this from a Biblical basis, not just marriage builders, and I am very proud of his behavior. I know he is hurting deeply and yet he is still trying to love her through this.

At first I was angry that she had made my son keep it all secret and so she moved him from his family, church and any support system that he might have had if he had not moved. We would have tried to stop the move and help them restore their marriage. If she had told him she was moving anyway then so be it but at least he would still be in an area where he had a support system readily available. This upsets me but it is what it is.

She is still my dauthger by marriage, and I still love her because we all fall short of the glory of God and are in need of restoration. But we strive to be changed and restored. I am not sure that is what she desires at this point but I am praying that the Lord will work on her heart.
Unfortunately sin devastates and causes us to be moved from the heart of God and His desires for our life. And unfortunateloy when this happens it has a ripple effect and we in turn hurt others. I pray for her soul because right now it is tormented and she "knows" whether she confesses that or not. As far as the OM is concerned, I wouldn't want to be in his shoes on judgment day.

We all need to learn in every area of our lives that the grass may look greener somewwhere else but it is still grass just maybe bermuda grass instead of winter rye.
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: BS Set Nuke & Exposure Questions - 10/04/10 01:27 AM
Originally Posted By: CRmom
This is CRMom and I have told my son to not worry about anything that he has done so far. He has definitely been handling this from a Biblical basis, not just marriage builders, and I am very proud of his behavior. I know he is hurting deeply and yet he is still trying to love her through this.


CRMom, good for you for standing behind your son! I agree he has done a superb job and should not worry about anything he has done. Affairs thrive on secrecy so his exposure has been a death blow to the affair. It might not kill it instantly, but it will certainly hasten its death.

We have had parents break up affairs and save marriages by calling the affair partner and/or his parents. This is something I suggested to your son and wondered if you had considered it?
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: BS Set Nuke & Exposure Questions - 10/04/10 01:31 AM
p.s. in all the years I have been on this forum, exposure has proved to be the most effective weapon against the affair. Here is what Dr Harley, founder of Marriage Builders, has written about it:

Originally Posted By: Dr Harley
Exposure is very likely to end the affair, lifting the fog that has overcome the unfaithful spouse, helping him or her become truly repentant and willing to put energy and effort into a full marital recovery. In my experience with thousands of couples who struggle with the fallout of infidelity, exposure has been the single most important first step toward recovery. It not only helps end the affair, but it also provides support to the betrayed spouse, giving him or her stamina to hold out for ultimate recovery.
here
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: BS Set Nuke & Exposure Questions - 10/04/10 01:38 AM
Originally Posted By: CynicalRomantic

Fortunately we don't have anyone saying that to her (do what makes you happy).



hurray You are doing great, CR!



I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me. Philippians 4:13
Posted By: This_will_pass Re: BS Set Nuke & Exposure Questions - 10/04/10 02:10 AM
I am new here but I wanted you to know that things are going as they should. You have the BEST people on this thread advising you. Listen to them. I know its hard to imagine life without your wife but the advise of Dr. Harley and the others here about the short period of your marriage and this horrible situation is well placed. Think long and hard when the dust settles. Because marriages only become more complicated and full. Children, years, home, careers and life are so hard to deal with when an affair arises. Pray, think, and keep reading.
Posted By: maritalbliss Re: BS Set Nuke & Exposure Questions - 10/04/10 02:31 AM
CRmom, thank you for going to bat for your son! So many parents don't! Keep up the good work! hurray
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