First Post-Sex Addict Husband - 11/28/10 05:20 PM
I am new to the site and glad to have found it. I am trying to memorize all of the acronyms and willdo the best I can. Right now I feel alone and heartbroken which I can see is totally normal.
My D-Day was October 20, 2010. I am 32, my H is 37, and we have been married 9.5 years and together for 12. We have 5 children, dd-8, ds's-7,5,4,3. It was a normal day, except that my h actually had a day off work. I was in the bathroom getting ready to take two of the kids to the dentist and his phone (which he abnormally left in the bedroom)dinged.
A text came through and assuming it had something to do with work I read it. Totally shocked at what I read: "I have another person to hook up with." Pretending to be my h, I texted back-"Who?" He went on to talk about this woman a bit and I stuffed my h's phone down my pants and ran out the door to take the kids to the dentist.
I continued the conversation with this man for about an hour all while pretending to be my husband. I confronted my h when I came home and it took about 24 hours of drilling but I finally got some truth.
Feeling like there was more I began a week of solid detective work. I scoured phone records and jump drives and broke email passwords on accounts I didn't know existed. I discovered my h who I thought was always hard at work was actually spending hours a day placing craigslist ads, and was a member of organizations online I did not know existed (Gang bang and swingers and such)
All of his profiles used fake names and ages and indicated that he was single and had no children. He sent out pictures of his man region to thousands of people over the years. He had this one e-mail account and pictures saved from before we had even married. I then found pictures of him with 1 of the ow that he had sex with in a motel. From all of my info gathering and all of what he has told me, he has only actually had sex (threesomes) twice with 2 women an motel rooms (in June and July of this year).
We began therapy and he was quickly diagnosed as a sex addict. He has been apologetic and seems sincere (began SAA meetings), and he has revealed so many terrible things about his past that I never knew about. He says he has used the porn and fantasy talk as a coping mechanism to escape from reality. I am trying to understand, but I have been lied to for so many years. He works in food service so it was always easy for him to not be home, go in early, stay late, etc...I would get so mad because he was never home. I spent hours worrying about his health because of his long hours...when while his hours were long, he extended them for online chats and picture exchanges.
I know he has a problem, and he has been nicer these past few weeks than he ever has been in the past. But, I am heartbroken. I don�t know the man I married. He has taken hours away from our family to send pictures of himself around the country. I feel like every time we were together romantically he was actually thinking of one of the many naked pictures he had looked at earlier in the day.
Although I really do trust that he is working through his issues and won�t do it again...I can�t move forward as long as I am so hurt. It has only been a month, but I cry almost every day. I can�t look at him the same. The pictures of him having sex with another woman are etched in my brain with a hot poker. Every time he makes an effort and tells me he loves me I ask him about the women he f***** in motel rooms. I also feel like he needs to be hurting as much as I am.
I have considered a RA. I know it is not healthy, but I feel as if I can�t just say �oh honey, you have an addiction, lets work through it together� and have that make it ok. I want him to suffer. He says he suffered for years living these lies and constantly having to cover to me for everything. That he tried to stop but couldn�t. I am just lost and confused.
I know this is long, thanks for reading and responding if you can.
My D-Day was October 20, 2010. I am 32, my H is 37, and we have been married 9.5 years and together for 12. We have 5 children, dd-8, ds's-7,5,4,3. It was a normal day, except that my h actually had a day off work. I was in the bathroom getting ready to take two of the kids to the dentist and his phone (which he abnormally left in the bedroom)dinged.
A text came through and assuming it had something to do with work I read it. Totally shocked at what I read: "I have another person to hook up with." Pretending to be my h, I texted back-"Who?" He went on to talk about this woman a bit and I stuffed my h's phone down my pants and ran out the door to take the kids to the dentist.
I continued the conversation with this man for about an hour all while pretending to be my husband. I confronted my h when I came home and it took about 24 hours of drilling but I finally got some truth.
Feeling like there was more I began a week of solid detective work. I scoured phone records and jump drives and broke email passwords on accounts I didn't know existed. I discovered my h who I thought was always hard at work was actually spending hours a day placing craigslist ads, and was a member of organizations online I did not know existed (Gang bang and swingers and such)
All of his profiles used fake names and ages and indicated that he was single and had no children. He sent out pictures of his man region to thousands of people over the years. He had this one e-mail account and pictures saved from before we had even married. I then found pictures of him with 1 of the ow that he had sex with in a motel. From all of my info gathering and all of what he has told me, he has only actually had sex (threesomes) twice with 2 women an motel rooms (in June and July of this year).
We began therapy and he was quickly diagnosed as a sex addict. He has been apologetic and seems sincere (began SAA meetings), and he has revealed so many terrible things about his past that I never knew about. He says he has used the porn and fantasy talk as a coping mechanism to escape from reality. I am trying to understand, but I have been lied to for so many years. He works in food service so it was always easy for him to not be home, go in early, stay late, etc...I would get so mad because he was never home. I spent hours worrying about his health because of his long hours...when while his hours were long, he extended them for online chats and picture exchanges.
I know he has a problem, and he has been nicer these past few weeks than he ever has been in the past. But, I am heartbroken. I don�t know the man I married. He has taken hours away from our family to send pictures of himself around the country. I feel like every time we were together romantically he was actually thinking of one of the many naked pictures he had looked at earlier in the day.
Although I really do trust that he is working through his issues and won�t do it again...I can�t move forward as long as I am so hurt. It has only been a month, but I cry almost every day. I can�t look at him the same. The pictures of him having sex with another woman are etched in my brain with a hot poker. Every time he makes an effort and tells me he loves me I ask him about the women he f***** in motel rooms. I also feel like he needs to be hurting as much as I am.
I have considered a RA. I know it is not healthy, but I feel as if I can�t just say �oh honey, you have an addiction, lets work through it together� and have that make it ok. I want him to suffer. He says he suffered for years living these lies and constantly having to cover to me for everything. That he tried to stop but couldn�t. I am just lost and confused.
I know this is long, thanks for reading and responding if you can.