Hi guys,

I'm not feeling good. I took DD12 (almost 13) to see the judge today because she wants to ask to end shared custody. (At the moment it's a routine of 2 weeks with me and 1 with him). THis is the end of my 2 weeks. They are with him (and OW) now. He knew she was going to see the judge and has been putting a lot of psychological pressure on her. He sent lots of emails bullying me by saying that he WOULD take her. I said no. Also he was there today in the waiting room and insisted on taking her back with him. Technically it was still my time because he gets them after school but I let it go because I know she absolutely hates to be in a fight.
I know what's best for the girls is to be with me but I am so tired sometimes. I now have to work full time and then come home and look after the girls. DD12's marks at school are disasterous and so we've been working every evening once the 3 little ones are in bed to revise her classes and help her with homework. I have no family in this country and I am still not divorced (the proceedings started beg March 2009)
Sorry for the moan, I think I might be coming down with the flu.

I'm very sorry for your situation. What a disaster. I can only imagine how difficult that situation was for you especially knowing what I know about the system.

Courts are so aware of parental alienation situations that I envision you getting some or a lot of inquisitive looks wondering whether this 12 year old is seriously speaking for herself or has she been preconditioned and/or brainwashed by the "vindictive" mother.

Another scary thing about an adolescent doing this is what happens later in her teens when she, no doubt, wants to "CHOOSE" to go to her dads (where rules are relative)? She's apparently being given the choice that she and her siblings can exercise at will and wayward dad will surely attempt to bride and lure them over to further justify and rationalize his POOR life choices.

Brutal. What a nightmare this infidelity crap creates.

All I can say is I'm sorry and I hope your daughter gets what she wants this time and you get some peace.

God bless,

Mr. W

Vent away Tully.
You , of all people, have earned a good old fashioned rant/pity party once in awhile.

Infidelity is a SIN for a reason.
It is life/soul killing.

Thanks Mr W and Pep. It's great to be among people who understand. WH is convinced that what I have done to him is far, far worse than what he did to me. OK, he had an A, OK he lied to me about it (but that's normal according to him, it goes with the territory), yes he tried to convince me that I was crazy not to believe him. In fact he thinks that he deserves kudos for remaining faithful for 20 years. He honestly believes that what you don't know doesn't hurt you and so it's all my fault for exposing the A. He now has no friends, I'm fighting like a tiger to keep the house and the children are drifting away from him. He sees all that as manipulation on my part and does not see that he had any blame (or maybe just a tiny bit)
I definitely have not been guilty of parental alienation as I have only told the girls the bare facts with no details or judgement. I trust them to make their own judgement which they are starting to do. I never talk about WH or OW.

A few months ago I discovered an email that the OW sent to DD12 asking her to secretly find a chain and medal belonging to WH an to bring it back unknown to me so that OW could get it fixed and give it to WH for his birthday. I was shocked but I decided not to talk to DD12 about it. I just kept an eye on the chain and waited to see if she took it. She didn't so I am proud of her. We never talked about it.
She's a great girl. This is a tough passage for her but she's made of tough stuff.

I hate their stinkin' guts !
There, I said it.
I hate those people.

Vent away, hunny.

Hate-worthy

I'm with Pep! Your exwh is one of the worst Tully!!!

Despite that you always remain a woman of incredible class.

He's an idiot.....

(((Tully)))

Tully,

I am so sorry for what you and your DD are going through. It is so hard to watch our babies hurt - and so rewarding to watch them stand up for themselves. There are grown people who wouldn't do so.

My DD17 has not gone to visitation with her dad since March 2007. She is doing her best to come up with a reason not to go to his house this Christmas Eve.

While I hate that she and her dad do not have a loving relationship - I am grateful that WxH does not force her to visit against her will. Although he does blame me for turning her against him.

Your WH is doing so much damage by forcing her. And that @^&&*$@ of an OW........where do they get they gall?

I have no advice, you are doing so very well. I just wanted to pass along my support to you, too.

Take care

((( Wildhorses )))

Thanks, Pep. (((Pepperband)))

My heart aches for her, still. So much damage from his stupidity. It would be so easy to reconnect with her - she is such an easy child to love - but he will not.

I cannot fathom how a parent could go to the extent that Tully's is going. And they call us bitter and vindictive.

thanks mindshare and wildhorses,

It has been one of the lessons I have learned from this. It's that I have no control over the relationship the children have with their father, for good or bad. I focus completely on my relationship with them.
I asked DD12 if she had discussed her desire to stop the shared custody with her dad and she said 'I can't talk to him. He doesn't answer me properly'. I knew what she meant.

wildhorses, I know what you mean. Children have such a capacity for forgiveness, all your WH would need to do is say to his daughter 'I was wrong, I'm sorry but I still love you.' But I'm starting to think mine never will.

So true Tully. All you have control over is your relationship with your children and it sounds like you are doing a great job.

Agree - you've been a real champ through this whole thing. You've gotten exponentially better, and he's gotten proportionately worse. Again and again he chooses to make his own children suffer.

FTR, Tully is not only classy, but I have it on excellent authority that she's very beautiful, as well.

I've been told that from the same source!

Hey, you both. Are you trying to boost my spirits with cheap compliments?? (Because it's working. )

Thanks to you both for being so wonderful to me and to so many other here.