Wondering if anyone has experienced this. My hubby had an emotional affair for 18 months. Found out in August. He is very remorseful. We have been working really hard on repairing our marriage and he tried so hard for the first few months. Lately he seems irritated with everything I say and do, ignores me alot and I am afraid to offend him. I feel victimized all over gain. Does he just need more time? I feel like we have worked through most of the issues listed on this site. Trust is still a factor on my part. Some days I feel so angry and other days so sad. I couldn't do anything for months but now feel I am returning little by little. He says he acts how he does because he dislikes his job. I dont know what to do

Have him take a polygraph.

I've learned the hard way as most people on this site have that 1) cheaters always lie 2) there's likely more to the story than he confessed to you due to the length of the A 3) you can't recover properly until there's total honesty AND you're working together at rebuilding your marriage using a proven plan (like Marriage Builders).

How are you certain there's no contact between him and OW?

Was she a friend or coworker?

She was a coworker that left the worplace in June. He has given me the passwords to his email and I see the phone bills all of the time. Unless he is taking to her at work which he says not. He is just really cold and distant lately and says he is just sick of talking about it.

My experience was that when we worked on it and OM was out of the picture things improved. When my WW started being angry at me again it was the OM back in the picture. My failing was not listening to the advice folks gave me here. Not forcing exposure and insisting on her cutting him out of her life.

I like you worried about offending her, upsetting her and starting a bad cycle again. What I have realized is she cheated on me. She manipulated, lied, etc. I should have never put up with the angry crap when it came out. It was all smoke and mirrors to hide her affairs. I pulled back, sucked it up and it got worse. She went undercover with her EA and eventually started up a second PA with a neighbor. Now we are getting a divorce and it is all messed up.

Take the advice. Follow it to the T, if you want your marriage to get better. I waited too long to come to the same understanding. It is uncanny how similar all these affairs are and the responses from the WW/WH's.

RC

Gammies, I doubt that this didn't turn into a PA. And if infact, your H is still lying to you about this, it is going to keep him in a wayward state of mind and keep you two stuck in R. I would ask him to take a polygraph. His response to this request will be telling.

Was a NC letter ever sent? Who, if anyone, was the A exposed to?

Also how long have you been married and if you have kids, how many & how old?

I hope that's not the case but I just don't know. Sometimes I feel really needy and don't like feeling this way. I can't policew everything he does and trusting him is the only way I can be happy again but it's so hard to do. I am afraid to bring it up anymore almost like the time is up to discuss it and I need to move on. I have realized though that I can't continue to make him feel bad for making a mistake day in and day out. I am also grieving for the loss of innocense that our marriage now has. Wow just dont know where to go from here.

I have been married for 30 years and I have 4 children.

No letter was sent but I stood next to him with the speaker phone on as he told her in no uncertain terms never to contact him again.

Gammies, if he was involved with OW for 18 months it's unlikely that it was 'just' and EA. I suspect it was a PA, and I also suspect your WH is in contact with his OW. Have you done some serious snooping?

I know you've got access to phone records and emails, but he could have a hidden email account. He could have a hidden phone.

I would suggest that you start snooping. Get a keylogger and put it on his computer. Buy a VAR (voice-activated recorder) and hide it in his car.

Have you confirmed that the OW has really left the job, or did you just take his word for it? Do you know who she is?

gammies, trusting him is what got you in this mess in the first place. You should never completely trust your spouse. No, you can't police everything he does, but there ARE things you can do that will tip you off quickly. Are you willing to do this to confirm what he is saying?

I suspect you're afraid to bring it up anymore because he is still wayward and is hiding something. I think he may have said things to you in order to bully you into backing off at getting the whole truth.

Have all of your questions about the A been answered to your satisfaction?

Was OW married? And also was the A exposed to your children or anyone else?

Gammies,

In March my WW said she wanted a seperation to see if she can stand on her own feet and figure out who she is. Out of love I granted this because I wanted her to be happy. She insisted that there was no one else, she just felt like she lost her ability to stand on her own.

One week into our seperation I found naked pictures of her on her phone that she had mailed to other men. I also found some suggestive text messages to multiple people. I moved back in that day. I continued to offer my WW my love and support and didn't bring up what I had found. Eventually (4 months later) she commited to our marriage and we began to recover.

My biggest mistake was not exposing this behavior at the time. Because of everything I had seen, and everything I had assumed happened I became depressed and began to withdraw from my wife who was trying very hard to love me. This of course had the effect of her looking for new men to get attention from and begin a new affair.

My point is that I stopped policing what she was doing because I wanted to trust her and me offering her that unconditional trust, even though she had so clearly broken it before was the WRONG thing to do. WS should never be offered full trust again, it is that trust that allowed the affair to happen.

Use MB to find out how to begin to really meet each other's needs so that you can make your marriage affair proof, and build a better marriage then you had before. But I would not expect to ever have unconditional trust again.

Yes I know the women has left his workplace...I called and hung up on her at her new place. I would be very willing to snoop somemore for sure. I just want to believe him and I want to believe what he is telling me. I have loved and trusted this man since I was 14 years old. He told me her never thinks about talking to her again unless I bring it up. He has always been very social and very flirty and he has stopped that behavior. Yet on Christmas this other woman who lives where his company is located texted him. She said why dont you talk to me anymore (I knew they were friends he was honest. He immediatley showed me the text and we called her together to tell her we were having problems and go away cuz it hurt me.

No OW was not married..divorcing her hubby and needed a shoulder to cry on. Reason for divorce....he was cheating on her. Go figure.

When I was a wayward many years ago, and needed an "excuse" for my irritability (stemming from my affair), the first excuse I used was that it was my work that was bothering me.

I would ask him for a poly. During the poly you could also ask for confirmation of NC.

EAs for 18months when they were in close proximity...highly doubtful it didn't go PA.

But, can you confirm this? And where did you get this information? From your WH?

Go online to your county's domestic court records and look her up to confirm that there is a divorce action there.

gammies, you're going to have to come to terms with something: you H is a wayward. Waywards lie. If ANY information about his A is coming from HIM, you need to verify it.

Gamms,
Tricked truth is worse than being upfront and honest from the beginning. Tell your WH it's like picking at a scab and opening the wound over and over again. Then after you tell him this explain the importance of radical honesty and request he take a polygraph. If he resists then most likely is still in contact with OW.

Gg

Maritalbliss...I just dont want to beleive he lies anymore. I will look that up though. Thank you

I looked it up and she did get divorced. I told him the same thing that I had a bleeding open wound and it really hurts. I am going to ask him about the polygraph tnight,

Sounds like your husband wants to shove this A under the rug, and then as soon as things settle down he'll contact her again and start it back up.

Talk to him about the Poly
Expose this affair to family/friends
Read up on Plan A and plan B