Well, it's starting to happen as we speak. I didn't sleep last night and even puked a few times just because it hit me so hard.
Been married to wife for 8 years now. First couple of years were a bit rocky, got some counseling, and things got much better. I busted my butt during counseling making all kinds of rockstar changes and she resisted everything the whole time. Been doing great ever since. In fact the past couple years have been a lot of fun or so I thought....
Fast forward to last Thursday night. Hanging out with wife romantically and part way through our conversation she asks, "Do you think we're really in love?" Isn't that the million dollar question that you're a loser either way you answer. I said, "Absolutely, you are the light of my life and my true soul mate" in which she responds, "Well, I haven't really felt like we've been in love for the past couple years."
Ummm.......pin drop.
Then she goes onto explain how we act like really good friends, but we just really lack a lot of passion in our relationship (which she has been anti-romantic for a while, but its gotten much better in last couple months). I told her I was sorry to hear that and asked what we could do to work on it. She didn't have an answer. Then she proceeded to tell me that she wants a separation, which I told her I refuse to do as my feelings are that "Separation creates even more separation" and that we both just really needed to make a better effort to work on our relationship.
I cried for hours and slept about 30 minutes that night. She acted like nothing happened and said, "Oh stop it."
Red flags were popping up everywhere.
Friday night she went out with some friends and I was home, I just tried to snoop a bit. Couldn't really get much, but decided to drop the $60 and get a keylogger.
Friday & Saturday happened with us barely talking and me just basically walking around numb. Wasn't sure what I was going to do since I am supposed to be out of town this next weekend for a conference and our relationship is in limbo. Saturday night we went out for dinner, talked a bit, she agreed to counseling this time and try it, etc. Basically she was home for the weekend while I had a couple of other obligations I had to attend.
Fast forward to last night after she went to bed. I popped on her computer to check out the keylogger. Needless to say I absolutely puked at what I saw. Judging by the e-mails and other things, I think it's only an EA at the moment and not a PA............BUTTTTTT part of the nasty conversation that took place was about the "meeting" that is planned for this weekend while I am at my conference. I guess the guy is coming over, she's making dinner, and then he bought some VS for her, etc. IT FRICKING BLOWS MY MIND!
The sad part about all of this is that we've had numerous talks over the years about cheating and how if we ever got divorced, neither of us would remarry or date since we're both very independent, etc. Now this.
I've known the guy for a couple weeks now after I met him at a party. She's known him for a while now since he is a son/friend of a few other friends of hers. He's a nice guy and I really liked him, but had no clue that this would develop over the past week.
Needless to say, I've canceled going to the conference this weekend, but she doesn't know that yet. Not sure if I should show up to the party with a gun (just kidding) or cancel it before it even takes place.
I've had a chance to spend a bunch of time on this site over the past 24 hours and even bought the "Surviving an Affair" book. Just wondering any advice you all might have and where to take it from here. I am still in shock right now and completely numb, but I know that I need to do something before the "meeting" complete with VS happens on Friday.
Questions; How old are you? is she? Married 8 years. Kids? How many? ages? (Yours, hers, both?) OM; Married? GF? Have you read the site? Surviving an affair? Love busters? These are Dr.H books you can buy here, on this site.
(on on Kindle right away)
You are right on about snooping. The last thing you should do is let your wife know your sources. So if you cancel confrence and show up... Do not tell her how you got this info. It will only drive the affair deeper.
Also, at this time, do not let your wife know about this site. This will be your secret weapon.
I guess I am still not clear on all of what Plan A all entails me doing?
She still does not know that I know about this EA. We have our first counseling session then. Should I drop the bomb there or do it before then?
She has a great reputation with friends, family, co-workers, etc along with good pride in herself....do I worry about the repercussions of this after the bomb is dropped via Plan A way? Will it affect me if we continue to remain together?
I've known the guy for a couple weeks now after I met him at a party. She's known him for a while now since he is a son/friend of a few other friends of hers. He's a nice guy and I really liked him, but had no clue that this would develop over the past week.
Ok, I see what her plan is. The plan is to move you out and move him in. You have the power to blow this up right now if you will just use it. I would sit down and calmly and methodically expose the affair. Exposing it to the light of day will ruin the fantasy aspect of the affair and give your wife a much needed dose of reality.
Exposure targets should be:
1. her parents, your parents 2. the OMs parents and family 3. all of your close friends 4. children, if any
Expose to these people and ask them to use their influence to persuade your W and the OM to end the affair. Be very matter of fact, telling them you have evidence of their affair and have written emails of their plans to have sex in your home when you were gone to a conference.
Once you do this, your wife will be furious. And that is cool. But I need you to understand something real important, MrM. Part of the reason your wife is such an entitled little tyrant is because of your own treatment of her. I read your first post from 3 years ago and I can see the problem. You have given your wife whatever her little heart desired for a long time. Your "unconditional love" has led to false expectations of entitlement that has led to her abuse and neglect of your marriage.
That needs to stop if you want to save your marriage.
When the dust settles from this exposure, I would set her down and have a serious talk with her. Tell her you would be willing to give her an opportunity to earn your forgiveness if she does certain things. Otherwise you are not interested in staying in a loveless marriage that is vulnerable to an affair. Tell her you won't be risking this again. Here is what has to happen in order to save this marriage:
1. end all contact with the OM
2. affair proof the marriage so this does not ever happen again: become completely transparent, end all opposite sex friendships, no more going out without each other again
3. no more overnight travel without each other - you can see where this leads!!
4. use the Marriage Builders program to fall in love again
I think doing these things are the best chance you have at saving your marriage. And what is a "VS?"
The VS stuff is just scary. First time they are together and he already wants to dress her up? That sounds like he has done this before (speaking from experience here).
Also I exposed last month, and it killed my WWs affair in two hours, although I did get quite an interrogation and she was really mad.
Get it done, asap take time off work to gather addresses etc if youhave to.
It depends on what evidence you have, but if you have proof of an EA that is heading toward PA, I think you have enough to start exposing. The key to exposure it to do it quickly and univerally. I would also expose on OM's side. If you can get on his facebook page (via your WW's facebook page), I would send messages/emails to all his family and some of his friends. Then I would call up OM and tell him in no uncertain terms never to contact your WW again. You need to put the fear of god in this POS. Chase him off. Your WW is probably still going to try and continue the relationship, but if you have successfully scared him off, then it won't matter. The key is attacking this affair from both sides, finding which partner is the weak link, and getting them to end it. Usually with a single man and a married woman, the single man is the weak link because he's single and has other options. Exposure to OM's parents will be key if he still has a good relationship with them. No one wants their son breaking up a marriage. That woman would not be welcome.
The VS stuff is just scary. First time they are together and he already wants to dress her up? That sounds like he has done this before
I'm sorry to go one step further (here goes Mr. Cynical again) but you should gird your ego and intellect to discover that this affair has already had some level of physicality. Think back to your initial intimacy with any woman, and compare it to yourself on Christmas morning as an 8-year-old: It wasn't really vital to admire the wrapping paper - you just wanted to play with your new toy.
That said, give us some more background on your situation
First marriage for you both? Employment status of each?
And here is NeverGuessed's traditional warning to BH's - guard against any opportunity (real or trumped-up) for WW to entangle you in a bogus domestic violence/harrassment complaint.
Do not discuss this with anyone yet. You're still in the discovery mode.
My rationale:
I think he just discovered the tip of the iceberg. I think another 2-3-4 days of snooping is in order, before the shock & awe of a HUGE exposure.
Once exposure happens, the pipeline of information might be lost to you. So, get the MOST you can while snooping before exposure.
And, no matter what, GPS her vehicle.
This was my experience. I busted my Xhs affair out without revealing I had a keylogger on his computer. I left the keylogger on his laptop even after I got him out of the house and into his own apt. It was on for 6-8 weeks. The info I gathered was VITAL in 1)getting custody of our son (which I did) and 2) Seeing the 'real' XH...seeing just how bad it was.
I am sooooooooo thankful I didn't reveal my source that first day I discovered the affair.
Although imagine their eyes if he came over and after letting them get comfortable for about 15-20 minutes, walk in. Then of course you'd have all the emails with you when they started trying to cover it up.
For even better emphasis, bring her parents with you.
Get as much "goods" as you can before full exposure.
If you have the stomach for it (its ok if you don't feel like you do, this is a hard situation to be in)...leave the house as planned and let Jackwagon come over...just don't give them any time to get comfortable before you show up to ruin their little party.
If it were me, I'd be sure to sit outside the house with a video camera before he shows up...making sure to get a good shot of him entering with his present/gift/whatever. And then when I make my grand entrance, make sure to video everything.
Well the story gets better in this fairytale story....
I finally lost enough of my appetite to take a peek at the evidence again and got more clarification on the festivities that are planned for the weekend. I guess we're not coming to my house, but rather getting a hotel room for a couple nights. Since the dogs will be a hassle, we'll get those boarded. The $120'ish worth of VS will arrive soon too.
It was nice to know that a couple of our good friends were involved in the planning session.
Now just to decide just when to drop the bomb....before the counseling session, on the way to it, or at the counseling session? Hmmmm, decisions, decisions!
it hurts even more when you discover your friends are assisting in the deception. Obviously those are not friends to your marriage and will have to go...
But in the meantime -- like others have said, this is the tip of the iceberg. There will be more to discover. Keep everything close to your vest. Protect your spying methods. Print out everything and keep it in a safe location away from home.
Now just to decide just when to drop the bomb....before the counseling session, on the way to it, or at the counseling session? Hmmmm, decisions, decisions!
What is the purpose of counseling? Did you read our posts?
Part of me thinks you should bust it up so that there is no denial of what is happening.
Show up to sabotage it. Bring a friend along to witness it, keep you in check, and not let things get out of hand.
Then again, that might be a recipe for a big disaster.
I don't know you and don't know how well you can control yourself.
But getting caught red handed is a tough thing to deny.
Can you answer some of our other questions:
Age?
Kids?
The first step to killing this affair is to expose it. You must tell everyone that can pressure the affair. Her family, his family, (I think it's your call on your family, but you can always use support).
Whatever you do, DON'T reveal the keylogger. When she asks how you know, come up with something or simply say that it doesn't matter how you know.
The BIGGEST mistake I ever made in my sitch was revealing that I had a keylogger on the computer. DONT DO IT!
Yup, I like to refer to them as soon-to-be former friends. This might surprise you but one of them can't get a date and the other is going on a 3rd marriage. LOL!
Originally Posted by Lexxxy
it hurts even more when you discover your friends are assisting in the deception. Obviously those are not friends to your marriage and will have to go...
But in the meantime -- like others have said, this is the tip of the iceberg. There will be more to discover. Keep everything close to your vest. Protect your spying methods. Print out everything and keep it in a safe location away from home.
I was just thinking someone as more of a mediator than anything when the bomb is dropped. I know it ain't going to be pretty any way we look at it.
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by mrmotivation
Now just to decide just when to drop the bomb....before the counseling session, on the way to it, or at the counseling session? Hmmmm, decisions, decisions!
What is the purpose of counseling? Did you read our posts?
I think you should expose this affair to everyone.
I would then take good stock of whether or not you want to stay with someone that would do such a thing to you.
Because if she does it now, she will likely do it again. And going through this he11 with kids involved is no picnic.
Right now you could catch her in the act, get a picture to submit into evidence at your D hearing for grounds of adultery, and then take her for all she's worth in divorce court.
Better yet if you live in a fault state or can sue the OM for alienation of affection.
Why do you wish to save things with this woman? What does she offer that other women don't?
I'm not asking that to start an argument. I'm asking for legitimate purposes.
They're not rhetorical questions and really are things you're going to have to wrestle with.
I think you should expose this affair to everyone.
I would then take good stock of whether or not you want to stay with someone that would do such a thing to you.
Because if she does it now, she will likely do it again. And going through this he11 with kids involved is no picnic.
Right now you could catch her in the act, get a picture to submit into evidence at your D hearing for grounds of adultery, and then take her for all she's worth in divorce court.
Better yet if you live in a fault state or can sue the OM for alienation of affection.
Why do you wish to save things with this woman? What does she offer that other women don't?
I'm not asking that to start an argument. I'm asking for legitimate purposes.
They're not rhetorical questions and really are things you're going to have to wrestle with.
I agree this is a question that needs to be asked. Because earlier, you said this:
Quote
I busted my butt during counseling making all kinds of rockstar changes and she resisted everything the whole time.
Is this someone you are sure you want to raise your children. It seems to me that she is a bit of a freeloader. If you do try and patch things up, make sure she starts carrying her weight or boot her to the curb.
I was thinking about that too, after my post...but then the kiddos came home.
If YOU busted your A$$ to make changes to yourself for the betterment of your marriage....and your wife resisted making changes to herself back then...what makes you think she's going to make any changes to herself now?
Realistically, I for one don't see it happening...not given the way you've made it sound and the words she's said to you.
I was just thinking someone as more of a mediator than anything when the bomb is dropped. I know it ain't going to be pretty any way we look at it.
There is no reason to go to a counselor. Counseling should take place after you have killed her affair and she commits to the marriage. Counseling is a waste of time when there is an active affair.
p.s. I agree with the others however, I would proceed in a way that protects you regardless of the outcome here. Expose the hell out of the affair and don't stay in the marriage unless she makes DRAMATIC changes. Otherwise, you are damned and you will be damning you future children.
I will repost this post and add that you should continue to get the GOODS in the meantime:
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
[/quote]
Ok, I see what her plan is. The plan is to move you out and move him in. You have the power to blow this up right now if you will just use it. I would sit down and calmly and methodically expose the affair. Exposing it to the light of day will ruin the fantasy aspect of the affair and give your wife a much needed dose of reality.
Exposure targets should be:
1. her parents, your parents 2. the OMs parents and family 3. all of your close friends 4. children, if any
Expose to these people and ask them to use their influence to persuade your W and the OM to end the affair. Be very matter of fact, telling them you have evidence of their affair and have written emails of their plans to have sex in your home when you were gone to a conference.
Once you do this, your wife will be furious. And that is cool. But I need you to understand something real important, MrM. Part of the reason your wife is such an entitled little tyrant is because of your own treatment of her. I read your first post from 3 years ago and I can see the problem. You have given your wife whatever her little heart desired for a long time. Your "unconditional love" has led to false expectations of entitlement that has led to her abuse and neglect of your marriage.
That needs to stop if you want to save your marriage.
When the dust settles from this exposure, I would set her down and have a serious talk with her. Tell her you would be willing to give her an opportunity to earn your forgiveness if she does certain things. Otherwise you are not interested in staying in a loveless marriage that is vulnerable to an affair. Tell her you won't be risking this again. Here is what has to happen in order to save this marriage:
1. end all contact with the OM
2. affair proof the marriage so this does not ever happen again: become completely transparent, end all opposite sex friendships, no more going out without each other again
3. no more overnight travel without each other - you can see where this leads!!
4. use the Marriage Builders program to fall in love again
I think doing these things are the best chance you have at saving your marriage. And what is a "VS?"
In other words, set the bar VERY HIGH or move on. You have nothing, and I mean nothing to lose, by settting the bar very high. If she doesn't step up the plate, you are better off without her.
Good. Now, what do you want from her, and for whatever remains of your marriage at this point?
Given the cold-blooded, calculating skank [censored] she's shown herself to be (and remember the likelihood she's no virgin to this guy), is there any path you can see for her to walk to get back to someplace you'd want to be with her again?
If that answer is "NO" (and it would be for me, btw, just so you know from whence I come), there is less pressure on putting together a package to ensure a robust "exposure" than to guarantee a favorable (to you) and destructive (to them) marriage termination campaign. And in that vein:
Open some private financial accounts, and transfer every dollar, shekel, or euro from any joint accounts you can lay your hands on to them, under your exclusive control.
Contact your favorite PI, and have her (them?) tailed to the hotel, with more pictures taken than it would possible to imagine.
Have a consult with the nastiest lawyer you know, and get advice on dealing with this situation in your jurisdiction.
Cancel all joint credit card accounts, after opening some private ones.
If her car is registered and titled in your name, sell it. If you don't like her dog, drop it off at the pound.
Exposure can be done, but if your decision would align with mine, it would be done initially with the goal of inflicting the most embarrassment and humiliation, not "shocking her into moral behavior, and returning her to your marriage". (Remember you really don't care if OM ends up with a well-used retread with a highly-polished reputation as a skank-ho.) Those pictures you had taken of WW and OM getting all moo-moo at each other? Some of them can likely be spared to send to her employer, religious organization, friends, family, YOUR Facebook (suitably captioned).
Do not discuss this with anyone yet. You're still in the discovery mode.
My rationale:
I think he just discovered the tip of the iceberg. I think another 2-3-4 days of snooping is in order, before the shock & awe of a HUGE exposure.
Once exposure happens, the pipeline of information might be lost to you. So, get the MOST you can while snooping before exposure.
And, no matter what, GPS her vehicle.
Quick and easy tracker is the the little buddy child tracker at best buy. Costs $50 and first mo is free service. Battery is charged by USB like the iPod. Its 4X1 inch stick and put in the trunk. I used it to track my daughter and granddaughter - works better than I ever envisioned.
Every time I access it - it throws a map up on the site where it is located within 20 to 40 yards. You can programmed to send a text or email if tracker goes outside a boundary. Battery lasts 4 days. but it takes 5 hrs to charge her back up.
You have been to "counseling". You got the best advice...EVER... posted above on how to start.
First KEEP READING AND POSTING - yes, I am yelling.... #2. Discover, #3. Document, Hold/prepare your $$$, and EXPOSE like trinoble.
(tho tempting...right now/today may NOT be the best time. Finish your discovery and documentation first. Post waht you have here, the Vets will tell you when you have enough.)
Sorry about the delay. For some reason I didn't get any e-mail notifications of the replies, so I forgot to check back.
Update:
Well after some consulting with a counselor friend about the way to expose this, I did what I would call a semi-exposure. I confronted WW and OM about it. Talked with her first about it and it basically was textbook exposure: Pissed, angry, denial, and then admission of EA. Also told her that I would be dropping OM a note telling him I know of the EA going on with my wife and I didn't appreciate it. She was angry about that also. I was VERY nice about it but also straight to the point. He replied back within an hour saying that he got the point and he appreciated the way I went about it versus a glorified smear campaign that would have embarrassed them both terribly in a small town. At the same time I knew I would get thrown in with them too and really had no desire to throw anyone under the bus.
My friend and I talked about doing it this way and she said that would fit my personality. Honestly, it went exactly as planned and couldn't have been any better. No screaming, yelling, fighting, etc. Just two adults talking serious.
After the admission, she was very open about the entire EA and really echoed what I had seen. This EA had really only lasted less than a week. Since then we have had several very chats about it. She agreed to attend counseling on Monday that I had scheduled after our Thursday feud. The next morning I got a wonderful e-mail from her completely apologizing about the whole thing. It also made confessions in the e-mail about other stuff I already knew, but didn't let her know like the VS package. It was definitely a huge step for her.
The part that made her the absolute angriest was that fact that I told my family about this. I did not feel the need to tell hers or the OM's family at this time. She was furious about it. I told her that is my support structure vs she has girlfriends that she can talk to. She still wasn't pleased with that answer. I told her that I was proud of her, because yesterday (2 days after the exposure) she wrote my family a huge long letter of apology for her actions. She also said in there that she doesn't know when she will be able to face them yet tho which I can understand.
We went to our first round of counseling last night which was great. Everyone was very open. The counselor didn't throw her under the bus, but just acknowledged the fact that it takes two to tango and that there were reasons that she was seeking outside of our marriage. I know that for sure it was neglect on my part. I have admitted that to her many times. She was very supportive and encouraged on how the session went. We also have another session scheduled for Monday.
As you probably know, I did cancel my trip for this weekend, but I did plan a trip now to spend a night with her away. We're going to be doing nothing but chilling out and just talking about stuff all weekend, planning, and trying to work stuff out. I know this sounds all weird after all of this just happening but in my heart, I think its the right thing to do to even have an attempt at starting over.
Over the past few nights, we have spent 2-3 hours together doing stuff, hanging out, talking, etc which isn't normal, but its now the new normal. This has to be MY focus in order to pick up my end of the deal and hopefully make it work out longterm.
THANK YOU for all your help! I know there are going to be some hard days, some valleys, some rough times, but it couldn't have gone smoother so far and I appreciate all of your help, advice, thoughts, prayers, and concern to help me get this far.
I hope I'm wrong, but I think this isn't over yet. I don't think I've ever seems ww turn around this quick. Women tend to be more emotionally invested in their affairs. I wouldn't be surprised if they hook up again but are just more careful. It seems like you gave your wife a free pass and an education about how you roll. Did she send om a no-contact letter?
I hope I'm wrong, but I think this isn't over yet. I don't think I've ever seems ww turn around this quick. Women tend to be more emotionally invested in their affairs. I wouldn't be surprised if they hook up again but are just more careful. It seems like you gave your wife a free pass and an education about how you roll. Did she send om a no-contact letter?
Yeah, I know Meggy. I was thinking the same thing. We've seen this movie before.
We went to our first round of counseling last night which was great. Everyone was very open. The counselor didn't throw her under the bus, but just acknowledged the fact that it takes two to tango and that there were reasons that she was seeking outside of our marriage. I know that for sure it was neglect on my part. I have admitted that to her many times. She was very supportive and encouraged on how the session went. We also have another session scheduled for Monday.
A couple of things stand out, MrM. Has she agreed to end all contact with the OM? What is essential in recovering a marriage after an affair is ending all contact with the OP and affair proofing your marriage. Saying that your neglect was what caused the affair misses this point and doesn't encourage accountability on her part. And if she takes no accountability then she obviously won't make the necessary changes herself.
What caused the affair was her lack of boundaries in the marriage. She allowed another man to meet her needs and unless that environment is changed, you are headed to another affair.
You could be doing the best job ever meeting her needs but unless she has appropriate boundaries around other men you are likely headed to another affair.
And I am sorry you did not expose the affair to the OM's family and your wife's family. Protecting them from the consequences of their affair only deprives them of a much needed lesson at the expense of your marriage. That did not help them in any way and in fact, leaves the door open for them to resume the affair. The more people who know about the affair the more people to hold them accountable. Affairs thrive on secrecy and helping them keep it a secret was helpful to no one, especially THEM.
Originally Posted by Dr Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders
"There are many reasons for this recommendation,[exposure to family, friends, children, clergy] but the primary reason is based on my belief that the more people know about what I do in my most private moments, the safer I am to others. Infidelity is one of the most painful experiences one spouse can inflict on the other, and it�s far less likely to take place, or continue to take place, when everyone knows about it.
As you already know, I�m a strong advocate of honesty and openness in marriage. I call it transparency�letting your spouse know everything about you, especially your faults. But should that level of openness carry into the public arena? I believe that it should in cases of extreme irresponsibility, and that certainly includes infidelity. When you have done something very hurtful to someone else, others -- especially those who care for you the most -- should know about it. Such exposure helps prevent a recurrence of the offense. Your closest friends and relatives will be keeping an eye on you�holding you accountable." here
Check this out:
Originally Posted by Dr Harley in Requirements for Recovery
The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide.
I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail.
The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy.
This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted.
An analysis of the wayward spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them.
After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts here as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance.
I hope I'm wrong, but I think this isn't over yet. I don't think I've ever seems ww turn around this quick. Women tend to be more emotionally invested in their affairs. I wouldn't be surprised if they hook up again but are just more careful. It seems like you gave your wife a free pass and an education about how you roll. Did she send om a no-contact letter?
Well after some consulting with a counselor friend about the way to expose this, I did what I would call a semi-exposure. I confronted WW and OM about it. Talked with her first about it and it basically was textbook exposure: Pissed, angry, denial, and then admission of EA. Also told her that I would be dropping OM a note telling him I know of the EA going on with my wife and I didn't appreciate it. She was angry about that also. I was VERY nice about it but also straight to the point.
This is not a "semi" exposure, it is trying to deal with a terrorist that is taking over your house. When you deal with the OP they are not sorrowful, remorseful or sincere. They are mad because "you caught them. They will say anything you want to hear so you DON'T expose them.
They will be on best hehavior for awhile and then hide it better from you. I tried to reason with the OW when this started...I would have been better dealing with a rattlesnake.
You think the OP is like you. They have no morals or character when they are in these A.
Don't tell OP what you will or will not do. Just do it. They need to be accountable. You are just part of the secret and it feeds into the drama.
M/L - His posting was at 11:30; yours at 12:01. You're slipping! My B/S-O-Meter was well into the red
and alarm bells were sounding for awhile, but I thought I'd yield the first rejoinder to you.
MM - You blew it! You might not know it now, but you will soon. You're being PLAYED my friend. I'm just sick, having to put you in the collection of BH's who failed to have the stones to lay waste to the infidels, and bring respect back to their existence.
Damn, that collection is getting too big for the shelf it's on.
(This is my 301st post, and it is among the least optimistic!)
You MUST inform the scumbags wife about this. She deserves to know. She needs to protect herself from your wife. She needs to keep a watchful eye on the other side of this equation.
Just wait until thing die down and you let your guard down. This guy will be in your WW's pants in no time. Next time they come in contact they'll devise a way to keep in touch under your radar. It will build back up and the next time you go out of town, they'll be at it hot and heavy once again. Such are the consequences of "semi-exposure."
Please contact the OM's wife ASAP. She should know what she is dealing with.
EXPOSE to her and to your wife's family. If she is truly committed to making this right with you she will deal with the exposure and come to understand it is necessary.
You made a huge tactical error by not fully exposing. Regain what ground you can by doing a full exposure, now, today. Let everyone you expose to know that you have absolute documentation of the A.
Salvage what you can of this, and you still may be able to kill it quickly. Maybe.
Agreed. Sorry, buddy, your life and the affair just got a lot more complicated. You drove them into solidarity. Guess what? I had a cconversation with the OM over email after I found out about their affair. I screwed up by telling him I was giving him the opportunity to tell her himself. He wrote back "Oh, thank you thank you, I'm so sorry, I'll stay out of your marriage and tell my BW EVERYTHING." Thankfully I thought better due to these MB guys, and exposed to his BW myself within the next couple days. Shock! The story he told his wife was VERY different from what actually occurred.
You need to correct, immediately, by exposing more until your WW is hopping mad. That will mean you've actually gotten somewhere.
Also told her that I would be dropping OM a note telling him I know of the EA going on with my wife and I didn't appreciate it. She was angry about that also. I was VERY nice about it but also straight to the point. He replied back within an hour saying that he got the point and he appreciated the way I went about it versus a glorified smear campaign that would have embarrassed them both terribly in a small town.
"I say, old boy. I hate to be a bother, but could you do me the trouble of not shagging my wife this weekend?"
"Certainly, old chap! No trouble at all!" there's always the next time you go out of town...
You need to man up and start thinking along these lines...
We've seen this movie before. The affair will continue. You don't believe us, but I'll bet anything that you're back before long telling us that she has continued contact and is giving you the "we're friends" line.
Sorry, but this isn't going to solve your problem.
If she's the one in a million that won't continue her affair, then great. If she's like everyone else we've ever seen here, then you're going to expose the right way the next time because that will really be your only option.
What you've done is now drive their contact further underground and you've given no consequence to the OM. Great job!
Now, make us proud and put some hurt into this man's life and expose to his wife!
Also told her that I would be dropping OM a note telling him I know of the EA going on with my wife and I didn't appreciate it. She was angry about that also. I was VERY nice about it but also straight to the point. He replied back within an hour saying that he got the point and he appreciated the way I went about it versus a glorified smear campaign that would have embarrassed them both terribly in a small town.
"I say, old boy. I hate to be a bother, but could you do me the trouble of not shagging my wife this weekend?"
"Certainly, old chap! No trouble at all!" there's always the next time you go out of town...
You need to man up and start thinking along these lines...
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