My husband enterd into an emotional affair with a coworker. He told her loved her. He ended the affair when I found out, but continues to work right along side her every single day. He decide he would like to stay and work on our relationship. He has been toying with the decision to quit his job, but is leaving the decision up to me. I want to say yes but what if he ends up resenting me and the decision? Should I ask him to quit?

It is a MUST. Have you read Surviving an Affair?

Hi Gail. Welcome to Marriage Builders, the "club" that no one wants to belong to! Here you will get some of the best advice on the planet for recovering your marriage.

The more veteran posters will chime in shortly. For now, I'll simply suggest the following:

READ EVERYTHING YOU CAN ON THIS SITE. Begin with the box to the right, "Most Popular Links." Learn the Concepts. Learn about the Love Bank. Learn about the Top Emotional Needs. Learn about Surviving An Affair.

Some early suggestions you are going to hear again and again:

Your husband must go into 100% NO CONTACT with the Other Woman (OW). If this means one of them leaving the job, then so it is.

You must expose this affair to those who have influence on the two. Since they work together, this puts the company at risk for sexual harassment charges. Surely they would not like this...

A No Contact letter should be drawn up - by you, or at least approved by you - which YOU send to the other woman. There are examples here and in the book Surviving An Affair (available for purchase here, at book stores and in many libraries).

You and your husband must agree to be open and honest with each other. You need to spend 20+ hours a week of Uninterrupted Attention to one another. This means no TV, no distractions -- just you and he talking, recreating and being together.

Stay tuned. The vets here WILL held you chart a path for the recovery of your marriage.

Again, welcome to Marriage Builders.

Hi Gail, welcome to Marriage Builders! Sorry you are here!

Yes, he must quit the job if you want to save your marriage. As long as he works with her, the affair will continue. As far as his resentment, that won't matter when you get divorced. And that is where you are headed unless he ends all contact.

Is the OW married and if so, have you told her husband about the affair? Has the affair been exposed to all your family members and children? Everyone should know about the affair.

Resentment over ending an affair is a sign of the FOG. Once the affair fog wears off, he won't feel resentful about that. A recovered wayward spouse is not resentful about the consequences of their affair.

And he needs to learn to not act so unprofessional in his career. If he doesn't learn from this mistake he is doomed to make it again. Having affairs at work is about as unprofessional as it gets.

Yes, she is married and she knew my husband is married. Our two sons were present when the affair was exposed.

If her husband doesn't know, he needs to.

Her husband does not know. I threatened to tell him and my husband responded with" what good would it do to destroy their marriage?"

Gail, if I may grab you by the ears.
Please listen:

What good it'll do is, it will place another set of eyes on this other woman & on your husband, making it less likely that they'll be able to pull off continuing the affair in secret. That is HUGE for you.

Your husband is way foggy. He is not thinking sensibly right now. You need to think sensibly & act in the best interest of your marriage, because he surely will not, until he is in no-contact & is past withdrawal from his infatuation with this other woman.

As long as they're in daily contact, he's in the affair, and as long as he's in the affair, he's essentially an addict. As long as they're working together, he can continue to get his "hits" of her attention.

He's trying to call your bluff, by giving you the choice to ask him to quit his job. He thinks you won't. He thinks you'll be too afraid of his reaction, or of the financial hit.

It's a bluff. Don't you fall for it.

Do not warn your husband that you plan to expose to the other woman's husband. Just do it. This is crucial if you want to kill the affair.

P.S. - Isn't that just like a wayward: To suggest that YOU'd be "destroy[ing] their marriage" by exposing the affair -- not he & she destroying the marriage by engaging in the affair in the first place! Ain't THAT rich?!

There is no way around it, he MUST MUST MUST quit his job if your M is to recover. I have not seen even ONE marriage recover while the affair partners are still in contact. And you will end up having a nervous breakdown in the meantime, knowing they are in contact everyday.

Take him up on his offer to quit his job ASAP. This cannot happen soon enough. Do not pass go, do not collet $200. Do this TODAY. Do not wait another minute on this.

Also, I'm sorry to tell you but there is a good chance this was not just an EA. Many of us heard it was "just" an EA at first, only to find out later it was also a PA (Physical Affair). Prepare yourself for this possibility.

He will not resent you when you are in a recovered M and his quitting his job saved him from a life of h*ll with an immoral OW. Do not fear his anger, this will get you nowhere. Your M can withstand his temporary anger, it cannot withstand an ongoing A, which this is if they still work together.

Telling her H is a MUST. Having an extra set of eyes on them is a HUGE bonus that not all of us have/had. Expose to her H ASAP and do not warn your H about this.

HERE is a thread that will help guide you through this website.

My WH also started an emotional affair with a co-worker. When I first discovered it, I understood that he needed to stay away from her, but he convinced me that he would keep it "professional" and that they were "just friends". Fast forward to now, and he left me and our 2 young sons. He lives WITH OW and her daughter. That is a REAL possibility for you as well. Listen to the vets and get this affair killed.

I would not threaten at all, that is emotional blackmail. Instead, I would pick up the phone and call the OW's husband or go to his house and tell him in person. He needs to know so he can protect himself and his children from your husband and his wife.

And that is irrational to suggest that you would be destroying their marriage by telling him. I would have laughed out loud if I were you. He just told you that to manipulate you into not exposing him. That way, he can continue to pursue the OW.

I would then send a letter to Human Resources telling them about the affair. A letter should go to the Director of Human Resources with a cc to a key VP and the bosses of the affairees.

Developed by Brits Brat, board member and corporate attorney

To Whom It May Concern:

This letter is to bring a matter to your attention that may be a violation of your Company's Code of Conduct and/or other policies, procedures and business ethics.

WS and WS are involved in an extramarital affair that is taking place, primarily, in the workplace. Aside from the potential sexual harassment claims this situation presents, it also involves the inappropriate use of company resources and assets. WS and WS are using company time and company resources to further their affair. If you check the call histories on their office and cell phones along with their workstation computers, you will find the two of them are spending an inordinate amount of what should be productive work time to further their sexual relationship.

If you have any questions, please call me at xxx-xxxx. Otherwise, I will anticipate a response from you once you have investigated these concerns and taken appropriate corrective action.

Regards,

BS
_________________________

p.s. i would also pay a visit to the skankho after you expose this affair wide and far. Tell her that her affair is DONE and that she made a huge mistake screwing wtih your family.

Welcome, Gail. Sorry you've had to find your way here.

A few things:
My H had an A with a co-worker. It started as an EA, which lasted for about six weeks. It became a PA. Only after it became a PA did my H tell OW that he 'loved' her. See, when an affair becomes physical the adulterers sometimes have a need to 'legitimize' the affair, so they give it an emotion that doesn't truly exist: LOVE. It's not love, of course.

I'm saying this because I suspect your WH's A was physical.

Next: There is no way he can continue working with her. Someone's gotta go. I think I read a post where you said OW is married? By all means you need to expose this to her H. We can help you do that. It would be nice to hear that her H would make her quit. That happened in my sitch, and my H was able to keep his job. Unfortunately, it doesn't always work that smoothly.

Working together will not work. My H was thankful for being exposed at his job, because he didn't know how to end the A. He also agrees that he would have had to quit his job if she hadn't quit, because he says there was no way they could have continued to work together without the A resuming. Waywards are addicts, Gail. The OP is their drug of choice. The drug has to be removed. Only then can recovery begin.

If he resents leaving the job and your M fails because of that, you had a husband who placed his M below his job and his independent behavior. You'd be better off without him in your life.

I did send her an email explaining the amount of pain I and my family were in. I told her to have no contact with my husband whatsover or i would go to my husband. She sent to my husband.

I wouldn't threaten either one of them, Gail. Just call her husband and tell him.

You have tipped your hand and shown her your cards. Now she's got time to pre-empt you by going to her H and spinning you as a jealous nut who thinks every woman at the job is after her H.

What position does your H hold at the job? Is he a supervisor over OW?

Tell HER husband. Tell everyone. And then demand that your H send her a no contact letter.

This is common. Do not get into a p*ssing match with her. Since you have already contacted her, do not contact her again. OW are all the same ~ she will not respect your wishes, she cares nothing for you, your children or your pain. She doesn't even care about your H or she would not be helping him rip his M and family apart ~ she only cares for herself.

Focus on your exposure, don't waste your time on her unless it's related to exposing her as the adulteress that she is.

Of COURSE she sent your email to your husband why? She WANTS your husband and WANTS you to become the bad guy when she's the want who wants to screw your husband and could give a care about you or your children or anything moral.

Tell her husband and screw her! The ow are skanks and they will put anybody and anything behind their desires to get what they want. You think a thief would play fair if you laid out all your finest jewelry in a jewelry store unattended and asked them "now it's not nice, please don't steal from me or I might tell the cops"?

Just like that. The ow is a THEIF and wants to steal your husband. She is dishonorable and would stop at nothing.

Expose. Nuclear style. Tell everybody at once. Her fb friends, her HUSBAND, the boss at work, the entire company esp the ones who do the hiring and firing.

Also never tip your hand again and let the opponent know what you might or might now do. It's war. You bring it.