9 mos. after D-day and 7 mos. after NC, POSOW asked me to be her friend on FB yesterday. I couldn't believe my eyes. My question is.....should I tell my WH? My first instict was to tell him and be honest, now I'm confused as to what to do. Btw, I figured out how to block her today.

Oh, for crying out loud. What's she going to do next - invite you to dinner??

Good on blocking. No, I wouldn't tell your H. Put this in your pocket for now. You don't want to trigger him by even talking about it.

Thank you, MB! I was shocked! It really pissed me off! How dare she! Did she really think I would respond to her outrageous request?

Mine tried to follow me on Twitter two YEARS after Dday #2. I did tell my dh, but we had more time behind us.

There is a warped possibility that she is attempting to break NC, can't do it with your H and is desperately using you as her only way of getting a fix, even if it's vicariously through you.

Enjoy the fact that she is probably burning up a lot of internet hours, jumping on FB to see your response. And she won't get one! Excellent.

Yup, I wouldn't advise telling (since you're the BS) until you have at least several years of solid R behind you. Even then, it would be on a case by case basis.

Any time you can protect your FWH from a trigger, by all means do so.

ROFL!!

She's probably trying to use you to get to him in some way or is trying to ease her guilt.

You did the right thing.

Post LOTS of pictures of you and your H snuggling and being smoochy smoochy! None of just H. ALL of them of you two together.

LG

It may well be that she didn't actually mean to add you - have you ever emailed her? I know when I joined facebook loads of people were suddenly on my friends list that I didn't add and it was because i'd accidently clicked something that sent friends requests to anyone in my email account (and my email accound adds anyone i've emailed at any time).

If she DID try and add you then she's a freakin' idiot. But blocking her is the maturist response you can give, so way to go you

I wouldn't tell you WH. As a WW myself I would have no problems with my BH witholding that from me. Specially as it doesn't sound from your post like she said anything specifically, no message attached to the request or anything?

She probably just wants to spy and see if things are working out, but don't give her the chance to satisfy her curiosity.

she doesn't deserve a minute of your time, stop giving her any power at all.........POSOW remember

I get a number of Facebook friend requests. Those people who I don't consider friends I simply ignore. No one gets a response from someone who doesn't answer a friend request.

I've made it clear to my real friends that I use Facebook to keep up with distant relatives, local restaurant specials, running events and other activities I'm interested in.

Call me old-fashioned, but I prefer face-to-face interactions with my friends.

(Side note: This morning during my small group Bible study, one of our guys commented on how these days if you drive past a school bus stop you'll see the kids all standing around with earphones and handhelds -- no one is interacting with one another).

"Social networking" is actually social withdrawal.

Ok, new update. POSOW did message be on FB, sometime between friending me and me blocking her. I noticed it this morning.
I am so confused and scared. Just please realize here that these are NOT
my words, but a quote from POSOW's message to me.

"Your husband has had 3 A's on you, and two of them
were with BLACK women, so what makes you so special if
your WH has had 3 A's"?

My question is, I know Other Women lie, but why would she lie about this? Why would she go into
detail about 3 A's and the color of someones skin? There is
more, alot more, to reveal about my WH, I will post as
questions arise. Thank you.

Sunshine, do not engage in this banter with the OW. Block her and just understand that she is not a good person to have in your life, if you are trying to recover, does it matter, how many and with whom? The damage is done, you are trying to get past all that....

Believe me JT, she is blocked! I know I probably should have deleted it without looking, but I couldn't. My WH has had
2 PA's, but a third one I don't know about? Really?

I would ask him about this and watch his reaction. If he has had 2 affairs that you know of, I would be asking him to pass a polygraph. In fact, I would set up an appointment and tell him 2 days in advance. When you tell him, hand him a list of questions and tell him he has a 2 day amnesty to clear himself.

I disagree with Jessi somewhat. The history does matter. How many and with whom is important. You have a right to know the truth of your life.

That said, OW is probably fabricating it all to get under your skin. Unless she provided you with some hardcore evidence that is verifiable about other AP's then I would completely ignore her.

Sorry this is happening to you sunshine. I'm sure it feels like a sucker punch to the gut.

What a horrible, evil, pathetically small woman she is.

Yeah, those vindictive OW can be real pistols.

I'd like to hear the rest of your story before I comment further.

Sunshine:

OW will try ANYTHING after the fact, to get attention again. They had your WH attention for so long, and now its gone. My OW tried to gain attention too.

When she knew that is was finally over between us, she called my BW. And outed me, thinking that my BW would dump me, and OW could have me. Big mistake. It didn't work that way. For 4.5 years I refused to leave my BW and be with OW. Why would I do it now?

So, the OW friended you on FB, and told you that you WH is/was having an affair with 2 OTHER OW. Do you think your WH told OW that she was with these OW? Even if he was with them, do you think he would tell OW that? No. It sounds like all OW wants is to create drama and get more attention from your WH.

Maybe you will throw him out. He had two other A's? With Black women! OMG! How can you be with someone like THAT!

Good question. How could this OW be with someone like that?

And she still wants to after finding that out. Whacky she is, and proof that you are SO MUCH better than her.

I would block her and not reply at all. And post those pics of you and H.

LG

I'm beginning to realize that maybe this M isn't worth saving. I caught him in a "sexting" episode in September 2009, and it was NOT with the POSOW that he was having a PA with at the time. I was told it was just texting, that the girl was fat and WH would never have an A with a fat person. I even texted her and talked to my husband about it. I am a dumba#$! I still have her number, though.

Don't make any decisions about saving your M right now. You have had contact with OW. You need to let a little time pass from that contact.

He's being transparent right now and you're not finding anything when you snoop, right?

Thank you so, so much MB! My WH is being totally transparent, now. These past 9 mos. past DDay, he has been totally amazing. We are doing everything together, I have fallen in love with him again on so many different levels. He loves me more than anything, I can tell by his actions, his words, his transparency. I snoop ALL the time. I have found absolutely nothing. You are right, MB, I'm all frazzled and upset because POSOW contacted me. Thank you all for helping me.

Now that you mention it, MrsBHunt, I accidentally sent a FB invitation to the OW a few years ago.

I was checking to see if she was on there before setting up a profile for AJ, and searched for her by email. I just wasn't paying close enough attention, and didn't yet know how frenetic FB is about trying to connect people, so what I thought was the "search" button actually turned out to be the "invite" button.

I've always hoped it went into her spam box, but there's really no way to find out without asking. It about killed my over-explaining little heart to not contact her and let her know I hadn't been trying to contact her.

My question is, should I snoop about things in the past, or just concentrate on what is happening NOW?

sunshine, I would make darn sure you have the full truth about the past. If you are not sure you do, you aren't going to ever be able to trust him and more importantly, he will remain fogged out to a degree.

A polygraph would be a great thing for your marriage because it would establish your H's truthfulness and give you peace of mind about the past. You would both benefit from it.

You need to be settled about the past in order to move into the PRESENT. You won't be able to sweep this under the rug.

If it was me, I would absolutely want to know the full truth about my past.

Personally, I am very cautious about advocating polygraphs. For your average, garden-variety A, with a previously good spouse who became addicted to only one OP, it generally isn't necessary. Given a little time and patience, the BS can usually see just from the WS's words and actions if things have resumed, or if the WS has stopped lying.

But when we're talking about multiple A's and/or the possibility of a sexual addiction, I would nearly always recommend it.

I would love to give a polygraph. I know they are very expensive. I realize that is the only way I will be able to get the truth from him, though. I do have several phone #'s including the girl he was sexting. Is there something I can do with these? I.e. text the girl and pretend I am my WH? Obviously, I am desperate. Does anyone have any suggestions?

You should snoop at every stage, past, present and future. You need to know that you have a complete, honest picture of your life.

That is the problem, MB. How do I know WH is being truthfull and honest about anything? I do believe him now, not trust, but believe him. I have brought up the sexting, maybe that is all there was to it. I have phone records that he does not know I can see, all is good now. Like I stated above, do you recommend I do anything with the phone #'s I have? I have names, addresses. Can I try to bait these POS's into thinking I am WH?

The OW's sister friended me on FB, which I declined, at the urging of my husband. This was during our false recovery.

I should have accepted. She was trying to warn me about how hard I was being played, and at the time, I didn't know that he had blocked her almost every other way from me.

It's food for thought.

Hey Ridic, I am 100% positive he is not still in an A with POSOW. He really hates her. I have been snooping for 9mos and absolutely nothing has come up. He has been good, for now! I just need to know where I go from here. How can I get info on WH past? Since I have been able to access cell phone records, I can see the history from BEFORE dday. There were several texts between him and other women. Should I look into these? Like I said I have names, numbers and address, the internet is a beautiful thing!(sometimes!!)

I think Mel is right on here Sunshine. What good will it do to try to contact those women now? Do you trust that they will give you the truth? You cannot trust an OW (if they were OW's). I think the only way you are going to get to a truth that you believe and can live with is through the poly. Please schedule it as soon as you can. A few hundred dollars will be worth every cent when you regain your peace of mind.

Ok, so I go to my e-mail tonite and see a FB friend request from a friend of POSOW! Seriously, why is she doing this NOW? I mean she has not tried to contact us in 7mos, why now? I feel like I'm in the Twilight Zone! This is crazy.

She is doing it and it's working you are letting her get to you, don't. You said yourself your recovery is going well, don't let her selfishness ruin your chance at recovery.......POSOW remember

Sunshine, I've been led to believe that the attempt to "reconnect" is very common among people with personality disorders. I do not know your story that well, and the OW at all, so I cannot draw that conclusion.

But if you think this might apply, I suggest your best course of action is no action at all! Simply ignore (and if possible, delete) any such attempts.

JT, how can POSOW send a request from someone else?
Do you think she is asking her friends to do this?


LG, my WH has said that he thinks she may have some sort
of personality disorder, so I think you may be on to
something!! But after 7mos of NC, shouldn't POSOW have
given up on WH already?

I've heard of personality disordered types attempting to reconnect as late as two years after no contact was established.

This is something I am very wary of, as my WxW was effectively diagnosed as BPD. I keep my guard up in case some attempt is made on her part to "bump into" me or otherwise attempt to reconnect.

I want no part of that.

My bet is she is requesting help from her friends how else is this happening, just ignore all and any requests.......in fact just shut your page down or go totally private.........
Sunshine, maybe she is drinking to much these days, sounds like something you would do drunk and not thinking logically.........
don't let her get control take yours back.........

I'd ask Neak how long her OW kept trying to get through to Neak's husband (or Neak), but I'm betting she's crashed by now. It was a V.E.R.Y. long time, though. I do remember that.

tl

sunshine, schedule a polygraph. They run around $500 and most WS's spill their guts before you even get there. I really think that would be your best bet to get to the truth. The fact that your gut is telling you there is more, tells me there is probably MORE.

I would schedule this b/c honestly, there's smoke and probably fire somewhere with wh.

One thing to note, some ow bide their time, plot some more, then try to return. Monkeyho, the skankiest skank that ever skank'd a man-ho, the infamous ow I dealt with for two years, came back after I thought my xh and I were in recovery.

The excuse used to try to contact him again? She was afraid for her Christian faith. Yep. She began trying to establish contact again to try to talk to him about "forgiveness".

Never underestimate the crazy of an affair partner. Never. This ow, even took my then wh, to a church-sponsored (a neighboring church, mega church where he was caught there by friends of ours from our Sunday school class) event to help marriages. Believe it or not! The ow conned my then H to go to these seminars at this church b/c she told him "she had prayed and wanted to know that he and I (me) were healed in our marriage from their affair."

Um...they were in bed within a week or two of me finding out they'd established contact.

Find out all you can. Snoop like mad. And gather up all info on ow. Copy that FB message. If she keeps up, file charges against her for stalking. I am serious!

Thank you all for your replies. This is such a difficult situation, and it is so nice to be able to talk to people who have been where I am and understand. I think I may tell my WH about this whole FB fiasco. I know anything is possible, but i believe he will be very mad that she is doing this. Right now my resolve is not with this FB message anymore, but with possible past A's he may have had. That is what I want to get to the bottom of. And everyone is right, I need a polygraph done. What will I do if he has had 3,4,5 A's over the years? I'm afraid to find out.

Another thing to consider is since we have started MB, I have fallen so deep in love with my WH again, and he with I. These have been the best and WORST 9 mos of my marriage! If he strays again after we have implemented the MB concept, then this M is OVER. But can at least 2 A's be forgiven BEFORE we found MB?

sunshine,
I know that feeling of having a great marriage after an affair..........I know you don't want to lose that.......if you truly are living with the MB guidelines then you have to talk to your husband and ask for the truth..........
Then I want you to take some time to really think about your life and what you need to be okay in the marriage.........
I guess it will depend on what really happened. If you explain to him that maybe a lie detector test might set your mind at ease once and for all...........if he really means that he is willing to do anything he won't object, once you have all the facts you put together a great plan to recover. I think you can survive this........as long as you feel what you are feeling now between you.........
Work together to solve any problems you have that is the MB way is it not?
Good luck............remember it's a long road to recovery this is just one of the bumps

Thank you JT! Your words of encouragement have been my savior. It means alot to me that you care enough to help me through this!

sunshine,
you are very welcome, 20 years and a family is worth the effort..........keep us posted

I would not use any of the old names and numbers you have to try to get info directly from a possible OW. Even if he did have affairs with these women and not just "sexting" it sounds like it was a long time ago. If you contact them now as him or as yourself you will be reminding them of his existence and possibly pulling them back into your world. If you need more info, which it sounds like maybe you do, it sounds like it needs to come from your husband even if that means a polygraph.

I do think the OW is just trying to stir up trouble. It is probably killing her that you two are happy. Think hard before you let her achieve her goal.

I hope you don't, sunshine. Especially because the two of you are doing so well with your recovery.

How about this: wait for one month and then see if you still think you should tell your H about OW's BS FB stuff. Can you do that?

I think this FB stuff is a tempest in a teapot that doesn't deserve any space in the recovery of your M.

I agree, he doesn't need to know at this point. If you can succeed in blocking things so this isn't a problem again, he doesn't need to know at all.

Late January 2009 was the last C from OW. (A started in Dec 04.) She had come up with another male alias, likely enlisted the help of a friend in her little plot, and tried to stir up some trouble. From what was said, she likely knows about MB.

Oh well, she can't scare me off here. I have nothing to hide, and I'm sure the mods would have my back if it ever came to that.

MB, I would like to thank you, too. You have helped me through many trials during my 9mos of trying to recover from this nightmare. I will make this promise to you, MB. I will not say anything to WH, for at least 1 month, if ever.

My question is to you, do you think I should have WH take a polygraph? If I decide to, then I believe telling him about the FB fiasco can be a way to start a conversation about WH having to take a polygraph. Does that make any sense?! Sometimes I wish I could just call and talk to someone on the phone. Much easier to explain what I mean with words!

"I have received information that you may have had more A's and sexual contact/sexting, etc., than I knew about. If our M is to R, I need to have the full truth. I have scheduled a polygraph for [date, time]. If there's anything you want to tell me before then, I'm right here."

DO NOT give up your source.

Question;

Where does not telling H about FB fit into RH?

I know when snooping you never reveal, but they seem to be on 9 months of recovery.

Here's your question, back at you Do YOU want him to take one? Do you feel that you don't have all the info you need in order to continue healing? If that's the case, I would definitely schedule the polygraph.

You don't need to come out about the FB incident in order to schedule a polygraph. Just tell him that you have more questions that you would like to see him answer in the course of taking one.

Your H is not in a position to disagree, and he's not in a position to question you as to why you want one at this point.

"The Policy of Radical Honesty
Reveal to your spouse as much
information about yourself as you know;
your thoughts, feelings, habits, likes,
dislikes, personal history, daily activities,
and plans for the future."

I told my H that I would employ any methods needed to know that I was safe, and that my M was safe. I don't need to tell him what those are. And I was honest enough to tell him that he didn't need to know what they are. This was one of my requirements for recovering the M. I believe that is well within the confines of being honest.

Sunshine, hopefully you have done the same.

I'm not sure how to do the quotes! But, MB, here's your answer, I'm not sure if I really want to know all his past A's, encounters or whatever. What is the use now about something that may have happened years ago? We are working hard at recovery NOW, and if we can go on from here, using Marriage Builder's, then I believe we can make it. If I dredge up the past, what will that get me? More heartache. It is such a weird feeling, sometimes I want to know the past and sometimes I feel it just won't do any good. So if I sound confused, just know that I am!!

Until you can firmly say that you NEED to know, don't proceed with a polygraph. Not everyone needs to have every ounce of info. Yes, your H should be forthcoming with his past (RH) but not at your expense.

"Your husband has had 3 A's on you, this is meant to tell you NEW information. So, you can understand by this part of the sentence that the person who sent this to you knows exactly how many affairs your husband has told you he has had.

and two of them were with BLACK women,
this is being said because the writer believes that YOU have an aversion to Black people, and that the fact of your husband having had sex with anyone of the Black race will instantly make your husband "untouchable" to you. This shows the mind of the writer to be ridiculously infantile. Not to mention EXTREMELY racist. If I were to know this person we would probably end up in jail, because I would likely have to slap her.


so what makes you so special if
your WH has had 3 A's"? this was written because YOU WERE CHOSEN and she WASN'T. Simply the truth here - the concept of "what makes you so special?" is her way of asking HERSELF this question - she cannot figure out why he would cheat on you and NOT LEAVE YOU, and then also doesn't understand why she didn't somehow win in what she saw (and still sees) as a battle for him.


You are wondering if you should tell you husband. I would say that you should, and you should tell him the exact content of the message. Tell him that your marriage is surviving TWO affairs...and that honesty and openness can work through three...but only if there is NO CONTACT, and that the two of you address this issue - without responding to the POSOW.

I wonder how much of this message is true, because it is actually written with one goal in mind - that is to drop a bomb into your recovery effort.

It is working.


Your choice is whether or not you choose to let POSOW's bomb be a dud, or a nuclear event.

You. Choose.

SB

SB, you always have a wonderful way of helping people understand the "hidden messages". Thank you so much, I can clearly see what she meant by the digusting FB message she wrote to me. I cannot remember all of it, but that part probably stung the most. She also wrote (just bear with me here, cause this part will probably make you laugh, lots of fogbabble!) "Your WH and I had a serious 2 yr relationship, I don't lie, I have all the cards, gifts and voicemails he sent for proof."

Seriosly? WTF? Reading that part of the message, I laughed out loud. Their A may have lasted 2 yrs, but "serious relationship"? Puh-lease!!! I still don't quite understand how my WH pulled it off, because every night and every weekend he was home with us, his family. That is why I am still in shock over this. I think they mainly had a texting relationship and would see each other like once a month on Fridays when WH told me he was playing poker! No more poker for him!! (I think I just made a pun, haha)

Now to be serious, yes, she did drop a bomb and it is working, but I am trying to squash these feelings quickly.

I am very confused now. You are telling me to tell WH about the FB fiasco, and others say not to. This is hard. There is no right or wrong answer I suppose.

I do not think, if I tell WH, that he will have any feelings for her at all. I think he will be pissed and feel so sorry and sad for me. He really hates this POSOW. WH told me that his feelings dimished for her after being in the A for about 6 mos. POSOW would threaten to tell me about the A and actually called me a couple times, so WH continued the A. Sick I know.

Sunshine, why don't you email the Harleys and ask to be on their daily radio show. This is a great question that I'm sure will come up time and time again for others. How you handle this will be a learning example for others who come behind you.

Now, in my opinion, and thinking about MB concepts, I think you have to tell your husband. HOW you tell him is important. He needs to know that you are not approaching him with this an accusation but to let him know what's going on. This is a roadblock in your recovery that will eat at you until you know the truth.

You and your husband should deal with this as a united front, if it should come to that. As for a response? No response to OW is necessary. You don't owe her anything. However, SAVE this message in case she escalates her attempts to get through.

I love SB's translation. It's dead on.

Two MB principles here, tangentially in opposition.

NC - usually interpreted as "AP is dead to us, we don't think of AP, we don't achknowledge existence of AP"

O & H - interpreted as the partners in a marriage do NOT keep vital pieces of information from each other

I think since, like it or not, AP in your case has already inserted herself into your consciousness, O & H would have primacy here. Tell your husband that you were contacted; tell him you have no intention of responding positively to OW; agree that she has no claim upon your joint happiness, and go on with your life.

Ok, so now I got a message on FB from the friend of POSOW. She wrote "Aren't you married to WH?" I am dying to message back and expose the A to POSOW's friend. I never got a chance to expose to POSOW's friends and family. I would love to tell this friend all about what kind of person POSOW is. I guess the reason I'm asking is because I know I shouldn't respond, but I soooo want to!!!

I am coming down on the side of NG and Meggy's advice as far as telling your H goes. They have made very valid points.

I would still not respond to these FB requests. Someone is up to something and I would suggest that you resist being drawn into that.

Ok, MB. I will be speaking to my WH tonight.

I know, I know I can't let them drag me in, but I sooo want to tell POSOW's friend what kind of person she is.

Yeah, I know. But you know they won't believe you. Until she does it with their H, of course.

I am nervous to talk to WH about this tonite, but excited to get it out. Not sure why I'm nervous. If any one has any words of wisdom or ideas as to how to start the convo, I'd appreciate it. I pretty much know what I'm gonna say, but any of your thoughts are welcome.

Hi Sunshine, update please?

Well, I talked to WH and he was shocked that POSOW contacted me. WH was very upset, because it upset me so much.
POSOW has not contacted me since, thank goodness.
I have a couple questions, though, and I hope
someone can help. D-day was 10 mos. ago. I never exposed
my WH infedelities, because when I first came on MB, I thought
exposure was to kill the A. Since my WH confessed A to me,
I saw no reason to expose.(silly me!)I now know the A should be
exposed for WH accountability. This is WH 2nd A, and I
did not want to look like a fool for taking WH back a 2nd time. Our children do not know, either.

Now 10 mos. later I would like to tell our children, mom and sister. I feel like a big liar by not telling at least our children. I don't think my mom or sister would understand why
I am staying in this marriage. I am confused. Would I be ruining
recovery at this point by exposing? I feel the need to do this for my own peace of mind and WH accountability.

Two affairs , nothing stops him having a third and fourth. Sit with your children and tell them of both affairs, name the OW's. Expose this to his parents , siblings and yours. Not doing so allows you to be held to his terms, where he cheats whenever he can.

No matter how difficult this is going to be you expose and at the same time he abides to a set of extraordinary precautions, no opposite sex friendships, no after-hours functions business or pleasure that you are not present at, full access to all mail accounts, phone etc. He calls you often to verify his location, he agrees to and carries a gps in his vehicles at all time.

These are some examples of EP's , he may say this is controlling it is not it is verification as he is a serial adulterer and has to do everything to build your trust and protect your marriage.

Hi there,
Sit down and explain your feelings and the reasons you want to expose, I can understand that this will make you feel better and you feel that this will hold him accountable in a way........
He really shouldn't have a problem if he truly wants to mend things, twice is a huge problem for you with no accountablilty.......
Set up all the bondaries and extraordinary precautions and move forward after the exposure.........
good luck

The main reason for exposure IS to kill the affair, however even when the A is over there are certain people who should be told, if they had not been already.

Immediate family, close friends, pastors, and OP's spouse should be among them.

Yes, I do believe our children should know. I think 10mos. ago telling them kept being put on the back burner. Now, it will be so hard for them to hear what their father did to their mother and to them. I don't know if I can handle all the raw emotion. My WH wanted to tell them at first, but I did not feel it was a good idea at the time. Is there any good reason other than accountability to tell the children now? This will break their hearts. When they are told, do we answer every question they have?

They have, unbenknownst to you and WH, many memories and questions from that time. Kids, being the egocentrics they are, internalize and blame themselves for anything they can't explain by other means.

Telling them now will answer their questions about that time, and set them free from the blame they have been carrying.

I also wanted to tell you, make sure you don't reply to their messages. When you do, it gives that person 30 days to view your wall and possibly even photos. They're probably trying to snoop.

I'm hidden on FB, no one can find me but I've had several people of the male persuasion trying to friend me or sending me complimentary messages, always commenting me on my appearance which is impossible to see because I'm unsearchable. I think my FWH's AP is trying to find a way in to sneak on my page and see where we are now in our marriage. I never reply and block each and every one of them.