How do you overcome the anger?

My wife had an affair which lasted from 01/2008 to 07/2009 when OM got himself another girlfriend.

During that time we have had a son and a daughter, both of whom are mine (confirmed through DNA tests). We are fine most of the time and do virtually everything together yet every now and again I will experience a wave of anger and feel like smashing her face with a concrete block - all associated with stuff from back then. Thanks to MB principles I'm able to spare her the Lovebusting which would otherwise occur (and did occur pre-A).

How long does this take to deal with? I had never ever been so motivated to do anything as I was to save my marriage and every now and again I'm plagued with thoughts about leaving her.

Dang.

I remember reading over your thread. It was an epic battle.

Clamp down and push through. Remember that studies show that clenching your fists actually improve your will power.

You could also find a way to be honest with her about your thoughts of leaving; you should neither protect her from the consequences of her affair, nor be dishonest about the threats to the marriage she returned to.

When those feelings bubble up, try to crank up the UA time, and make it as enjoyable as possible.

Hi HHH,

Thanks for posting.

I have been very honest with my wife about my feelings. Thanks to MB I've delivered those thoughts in a calm, gentle yet blunt manner i.e. not sugarcaoting anything.

She says it's my issue that I need to deal with and she does have a point. There are no other details I want to know about the A, I already know what I need to.

She has said I'm the better man (she's right), that she's embarrassed she ever had these feelings for OM because he was a litle boy and that she regrets it ever happened. Still, I'd rather not have to deal with all these feelings.

We're at our best when we have the UA time and we try to get as much of it as possible.

GH31

Pardon me for injecting myself into your thread but your

ww's answer will never wash:



It is not your issue, it is the very issue that holds a M together or not, and your WW does not seem to realize the implication that you could just as easily walk away from this M and let her really hit bottom does not seem to have struck her thought process yet.

Aside from your ww's embarasment(sp) she needs to understand the depth of the emotional hurt she has caused you. It doesn't seem to me IMHO that she even approaches that yet.

In a very good book written by David Carder entitled "Torn Assunder", he emphasizes that unless the WW has a true Godly sorrow for what she has done, recovery is very slim.

I could be way off base here, but it seems to me, again IMHO, that your WW is more concerned about getting caught than in true reconciliation.

Sorry if I'm way off base,
All Blessings,
Jerry

Shinethrough is correct.

It's not "your issue". She needs to listen, to put EPs in place. She needs to make it "her" issue.

I honestly think that a WS cannot feel the total pain they caused their BS. Until you live it, you can't feel it. However, they need to TRY to have empathy!

My H has had to learn to hear my thoughts and feelings and apologize, and reassure me. He has to learn how to make changes so that he behaves in a way that helps me see he is making changes.

Thanks for posting guys,

My "issue" that my wife refers to is the lack of trust. She is doing what she needs to do to be trustworthy. I have no reason to doubt her with what she says and does. Believe me, if she were lying to me I would smell it from a mile off, especially after what we've been through.

The problem is that the resentment, hatred, bitterness etc. lingers and I don't want it to. The trust is so terribly slow to return as well.

My wife has read SAA with me and a few other books.

Since the hell I went through lasted 2 years, just as Harley says it does, I don't doubt that healing will take years also.

I can say this though, if it were not for the babies there isn't any way on earth that I would be with her. In July 2009 my Love Bank wasn't just empty, the bank in which the account was held had also gone the way of Lehman Brothers.

GH31,
It's a terribly long process to begin to trust again. Think years down the road. Once that innocent trust has been betrayed, it will take a long time for it to return.

The truth is, it will never return to that level ever again.
Sad but true.

Dr. H says that we should never had that level of trust to begin with. He claims we are all wired to have an affair when oportunity presents itself.

I'm more concerned about your ww's lack of remorse and thrusting the burden on you!!!!

Something needs to change here, and I think it begins with your WW.

Just saying,
All Blessings,
Jerry

Hi Shinethrough,

Tell me about it...

I don't want the innocence back. I would much rather go about my life in the real world knowing how the real world really operates.

I believe it, and rest assured that level of innocent trust will never return.


OK. What do you suggest as a solution?

best,

GH31

gh31
I would humbly suggest that your WW provide you with DR h sugeest as "just compensation".
Keeping in mind there is no truly just compensation for what your WW has done to your heart, there are actions she can take that would make you feel safe again.

Total transperancy and open an honest discussion about all you and she are feeling.

You can't sweep this under the carpet. It will always come back to bite you in the a##.

All Blessings,
Jerry

GH31....I know exactly how you feel. You can be moving along and everything is going great and then the reality of what happened smacks you in the face. My WS is doing everything he can do to make this better and I can't keep bringing the EA up over and over but I to struggle with the waves of emotion. I feel angry that he took away the innocense of our marriage and angry that I can't trust him but I take it one day at a time and try to make new memories to replace the old. I am in no way an expert at this but I am willing to say that the one constant thing on our sides is time.....time will help to lesson those feelings. I am hoping for that. Good luck to you and your wife.

Are there any specific triggers/circumstances/situations which set you off? I know that I have some things that I avoid as I see them approaching - movies with a heavy infidelity theme, etc.

If there are, there are two ways to deal with them -
1)Continue to avoid them
2)Grab FWW and, with her support, confront them.

I've found that "time" is overrated as a palliative. "Time" plus "overriding experiences" seems to be much more effective.

In my town, there is a waterfront park which was "their" park. I have tried to walk through it, but break out in sweat and itches as I do so. (Weird, huh?) And then the anger arrives.

I keep trying to get through it, and the manifestation keeps getting worse, not better. I suppose I'll have to take my own advice, and drag my FWW for a waterfront stroll. I haven't yet because I will anticipate her being even more affected than I am. Oh, well, sux to be a WS.

On a side note: There is a recent thread by a FWW asking what she can expect during her FBH's recovery. Would you mind if I directed here here?

GH,

I am in the same boat when it comes to our spouses saying it is our issue. Much of it, I think comes from the fact our wayward wives did not go through the level of trauma we betrayed spouses went through. It is easy for them to get their guilt and shame off their chest; and run to our forgiving arms once reality hits. However, not so easy for us! I told her she needs to give me TLC, do actions that convince me for talk is cheap, and to meet my expectations of her.

The anger and resentment is normal.

As a FWW, I am glad for this thread. My BH keeps erupting. It is hard because it usually happens when we are having a good time such as vacations and famiy events or even romantic nights out. I think becoming too close to me again scares him.

Unfortunately, I am developing a fear of anything too intimate as I am scared it will trigger him. I push through this and make myself do the things anyway but I am worried how this will affect things in the long run.

I never tell him to just "get over it" but I wish there was someway he could let me know how to help him without the nastiness.
:-(

Openness is best. Let your husbands/wives know that their angry outbursts wont be tolerated.

GH31, if you are in recovery, it takes about 2-4 years. If not, then never. What constitutes recovery is a) affair proofing the marriage and b) falling in love again. Most don't do that.

Have you fallen in love again or is there a PLAN to do so?

GH31

Just wonder if you have read this article by Dr H.

Article on Resentment




The article also talks about secondary gain. May be worth a read. Might want to see if the shoe fits with what Dr H talks about.

Not familiar with your paticular sitch but thought I would throw in my .02 cents since resentment is is extremely hard to deal with.

Hope this helps.

nESRE

Definately believe if wife is following MB program and is meeting needs/eliminating love busters with proper Give/Take to where love is encouraged, resentment will fade.

I was full of resebtment until wife got out of the lack of empathy fog.

GH -

I would trade places with you in a New York minute.

The worth of a human being's life is not measured by their weakest and lowest acts, but rather by their response to it. Your WIFE is an honorable and admirable person for overcoming the obstacles her actions created. That is who she is, not the alien-abducted wayward who still engenders your resentment.

And the man that pulled her out of the abyss is an incredibly strong, caring husband. Please don't let your sadness over past events stop you from being that.

Hello Melody,

Sometimes I think I love my wife again and other times I'm filled with disgust and revulsion. We probably do spend 15 hours together each week, are open and talk all the time.

One thing I will say, we haven't said "I love you" to each other verbally for 3 years. It's implied a lot, we write it in cards to each other, we send each other little cards to each other in the mail (she to my work and I send them to our home) but we both cannot find it within us to say it to each other. We have spoken about it and the bottom line is we're both deathly afraid of making ourselves vulnerable again. I certainly am, every time I've made myself vulnerable to her over the past three years I've regretted it bitterly so I don't even bother anymore. Even the thought of it is too much.

I said "I love you" to her when our son was born in 2009 - she had to have surgery for a retained placenta, but that was the last time. And it was about 18 months before that. Before the A we used to say it to each other all the time.

NeverGuessed,

By all means. This is a public forum.

sunnydaze53,

This will happen from time to time. In December when I had some time off my W and 2 children went for breakfast in waterfront caf� near where we live. I can't remember what the trigger was but all of a sudden I found myself filled with rage and unleashing on my W.

I don't think so. I know so.

It scares him and with good reason. You cheated once and are wired and equipped to cheat again, as all of us are under certain conditions. That's where the EPs come in.

He'll likely let you know, either directly or indirectly, when he's ready to be intimate. This is a marathon, not a sprint. As Melody Lane says, you can expect it to take 2-4 years.

If a loving marriage is what he wants then the nastiness has to go.

I was once a verbally abusive, nasty, horrible piece of work to live with. I unleashed all kinds of vileness on my wife, then finally she rebelled and took of with an OM. I used to tell her to "get over it" and I think you've got the right idea but not saying that to your hubby.

Listen, he is going to get angry. There will be times when he wishes a bus or a steamroller would run you over, but these waves of anger are (relatively) short lived. And if my experience is anything to go by they get less frequent and severe with time. I wish mine would go away altogether though...

Just had a read of my old threads.

I cannot believe how totally unhinged I was back in 2008 or that I even survived. I should have taken a much tougher stance with my wife; I did, but I wasn't consistently tough.

Well, here we are in 2011 and in a much better (not perfect) place.

I discovered my FWW's OM on 26th February 2008.

That's now 3 years ago.

This year I didn't even click until today that it had passed which I am taking as a good sign. It really helped that we had a big family holiday booked and I had to leave work on Friday afternoon (25th Feb) by train to join everyone else on the NSW South Coast. That's not something I normally do so it scrambled the brain. The whole weekend was spent surfing, fishing, looking after the two babies and other very enjoyable activity so I only realised that very bad anniversary had passed almost a week later.

Good.

Good news, brudda.


Remember that the final stage of grief is acceptance, and only when we reach that final stage, can we begin to move forward.

Accept your anger, bitterness, and resentment. Quit dragging them behind you, and carry them with you until you find a time that you can put them away.

Nice, GH. This is an encouraging post - thanks for sharing it.

Hey GH

I spent six years in the state you describe. Doing okay a lot of the time, then Squid would do something crass and I would immediately feel mugged that I stayed married to this harpie and withdraw. Squid would sigh and expect the worst. What a rubbish cycle.

What changed for us is I found out about the love and respect cycle.

I was instinctively hypersensitive to criticism and disrespect from Squid which I received as contempt. That would make me withdraw which Squid received as alack of love for her. Which would make her criticise me for "sulking". Which would make me regret that I never separated the pensions... which....

We talked about it. Squid feels that is absolutely fine to criticize me where I could improve my behaviour or husbandry. But our circumstances made me feel contempted and hateful.



I learned that I needed to take the lead and invest unconditional love into Squid. Her response was to respond with respect which reversed that poison cycle.



And that for the last year has laid a foundation of love and respect in our marriage that has allowed MB principles to take root. I feel respected and appreciated. Its easy to love a woman that does that.

I won't say I have no dark times, GH31, but 90% of the time I am too content to bother looking back at buried hurts.

I use this process in my marriage ministry and it seems to be very effective there too. Hope this helps buddy.

Nice, Bubba.
Thanks for the visual aids.

I already linked to this ... here ...

PS: Notable post .... but the visual aids would not "paste".

You say she actually moved-in with OM, then came crawling back. Buddy, you have a real forgiving soul. There is NO [censored] WAY she would be in my life again.

Welcome to Marriage Builders, raineystreetboys. I see you've taken the time to make a few posts. Have you also taken a few minutes to read the Basic Concepts on this site? You can find them here. Also, consider starting your own thread and tell us about your situation.

Hi Bob_Pure,

Thanks for your great post and apologies for not getting back to you sooner. I very rarelyt come on here these days - dredges up too many memories.

This sounds all too familiar:


Yes..... I feel, rightly or wrongly, that my W has no right at all to criticise me after what she herself did. If she takes exception to something I've done and broaches her grievance in a calm and respectful manner then I'm OK but we all know that being calm is tough when we're angry and put out. If we have an argument it can sometimes take me days to recover from it and I feel all the things you describe i.e. regretting opening up to her, not getting rid of her before we had the babies etc.

The only difference between you and I is that I tend to attack when I feel wronged rather than withdraw. I'm more fight than flight.

I've been implementing something similar to you but not in the clear cut way you describe. I couldn't agree more about it being the man's responsibility to lead.

Take care mate and do stay in touch.

GH31