Hello everyone, I want to share my story, and get support for something I never dreamed I would experience, and the emotions I'm struggling with.

14 February 2011, my world started to change forever. A friend back home (In Minnesota where we are both from, we currently live in Maryland), emailed me asking if everything was ok between my wife and I. I thought that was strange, and replied back that yes, we were ok, and I didn't know what he was talking about. He responded back if I was sure, and I was wtf, yeah, what are you talking about. A little back story, her uncle back in MN is currently dying of cancer and several trips were made home 1-2 times a month, which enabled her and OM to get together while she was there. My wife had always told me that the OM was a cousin of hers, and I believed her, so I didn't give it a whole lot of thought. I did think it was strange, because they literally texted all the time, hundreds of times per month. I trusted her completely though. I know now I shouldn't have.

The next email I got from my friend set me on a roller coster of emotions, I didn't not even know what to do. My hands are trembling right now recalling this. What I received was a chat log between my friend and a mutual friend of his and my wife's that talked about my wife and OM being together while she was in MN and the OM was checking in at places on Facebook with her, and that it was obvious there was something going on but nothing concrete. After reading that I was devastated thinking it was true. It was lunch time and she had just gotten back that Sunday and didn't unpack, so I went home to check her bag. After opening it, the first thing on top was a Valentine's Day card from OM to her thanking her for the weekend and that he loved her. Somehow I rationalized it away because I still thought it was her cousin, and went back to work. My gut knew something wasn't right and finally I had to go home. I waited, and paced, and cried, and waited for her to get home. When she got home I handed her the paper calmly to let her read and see what she had to say. Her hands immediately started trembling while reading it and became irritated with the people that were chatting, and reaffirmed that the OM was in fact her cousin. I don't know why I believed her, maybe it was easier that way. That night I received an emotional email from her while I was asleep in the other bedroom (We had been sleeping in other rooms for years because I snore like a chainsaw). We had been having problems conceiving last year and were visiting a fertility clinic to help. She had an ectopic pregnancy that had to be aborted that was devastating to her, and I did not know how to handle it and was not there for her like I should have been. The email also mentioned an incident when she was at a friends house and got stung by a wasp, and she told me via text message, and I responded with a sad face emoticon. That hurt her because she is allergic to bees and didn't know what a wasp sting would do, and a simple emoticon from me didn't show any signs of caring.

She sent me an email at work saying she was going home. I didn't know what was wrong. After a little bit I checked my phone for something and saw the email that had been sent that I described above at the end of the paragraph. I went home right away and we talked and made progress I thought. Went back to work, and after I came home we had a great evening together, laughing and talking, and burning through episodes of Glee.

16 February 2011, my worst fears were confirmed. The previous chat log had been eating at me and knotting up my stomach. My wife has two phones, an iPhone with a MD number, and an old Verizon Wireless phone with a MN number for her disabled dad to call. She has had that phone number for years and her dad has the number memorized which is why it was held on to. After my wife went to work, I thought I would check it. I was not prepared for what I found. Text messages from her to him *edit. I thought I was going to have a heart attack right there. I attempted to go into work, but after a few minutes of being there I knew I couldn't. My heart was beating out of my chest, my hands were cold and clammy, and my soul was crushed. I told my supervisor what was going on and he said to go home, my head would not be in the game.

I got home and quickly burned through half a pack of smokes while crying and not even knowing what to do. I'm in IT, and work at a gov't computer forensics lab, so I'm very good with computers. I knew that when you sync an iPhone with iTunes, it creates a backup of all images/videos/sms text messages/browser bookmarks/etc.. so I set about investigating. Grabbed the backup files of the iPhone off her PC and copied them over to my MacBook and started the process of extracting all that information. I open the spreadsheet file of the text messages and had recovered 13,000+ messages (Includes send and receive). Not at all of those were to the OM, but about 90% were. I started reading, I couldn't get far and had to take breaks as it was almost too much. I read details of the sexual encounters, what happened during them, plans for the future, the emotional bonding between them, about a shirt he gave her and she would place on her pillow to smell his scent. I was destroyed. At that point, I think I would have preferred death. I've never felt anything like the pain I was feeling then, it was indescribable. She started texting me if everything was ok, and it took all I had in me to respond nicely, as I was not going to reveal I knew everything in an email.

I was completely destroyed the rest of the day until she got home, consumed by what I had read. I asked if her the OM was really a cousin and she replied that he was just a friend. I tossed her her phone and said that I knew what he was. Told her I had read all the text messages from her iPhone and repeated several of the things that proved I knew. It was emotional after that, and I was angry. I left the house and drove around and went to work to confide in my boss who knew what was going on. Eventually numbness set it in, and I drove back home. We started talking and I asked a lot of questions and outlined several things that would have to change or be implemented if I wanted to fix our marriage. I knew I still loved this woman after everything I had read and saw, and I still wanted to make it work. I knew about Marriage Builders already and told her about it. We did the questionnaires and ordered the at home lesson kit. Both of us have lived on these forums since then and have been making great progress implementing the policies and lessons outlined by Dr. Harley, and also discovering what needs were and were not being met by both of us.

I will make another post D-Day post to share what we have been doing since then, I need to step away from the computer for a little bit and collect myself.

Hello nelsonak<

Welcome to MB. I have read your WW's thread. I am so very sorry for the situation that brings you here. The good news though is you are HERE at MB. Dr. H has a plan that can help you recover your M and fall deeper in love than you were before.

First thing though, have you ever had a sleep study for the snoring? You need to be back in the marital bed with your WW. That is a shared intimacy that is deeply important. Sleeping apart helped leave a gap in my M that led to not only my A but my H's A as well.

Yes, since 17 Feb, I returned to the marital bed and have been using the snore strips on my nose, which help. I went to a doctor finally this week, since I hadn't seen one since I left the military in 2009. They are sending my information over to have a sleep study scheduled for me. Based on the information I gave to my doctor he thinks it might be sleep apnea.

nelsonak,

Are you satisfied that your WW is being transparent with you? Has she taken down her Facebook account? Do you feel you have gotten the truth from her?

Has she written a list of EP's (extraordinary precautions) that you have approved? Has there been a NC letter sent to OM?

Next question, are you working the MB plan?

Hi, I'm so sorry you are having to experience this very painful time in your marriage and life right now. I know all too well the feelings of dread, and the absolute GUTTED feeling in your heart and soul. I used to say I felt like I was turned inside out, and I was walking around with my insides exposed. It's a brutal brutal feeling and I'm so sorry you are experiencing this. You and your wife are in my prayers.

Yes, I am satisfied there is full transparency. I have access to everything and regularly check it and ask questions. She has not taken down her Facebook account. I did not ask her to. OM and family have been removed and blocked and I do login and check it often. I believe I have gotten the full truth from her. The vast amounts of information I uncovered informed me of the full scope of what happened and the relevant details, and there has been no deception from her any step of the way.

There has been no physical list that has been exchanged, we have discussed the precautions though. I will have her write a list to give me though.

While there has been no contact since D-Day, there has not been a no contact letter written and sent.

We have completed the questionnaires on the website, read all articles, and just started the at home lesson last Sunday.

Thank you followingGod, the prayers mean a lot.

I want to say that I am sorry for you. I am a WW. I betrayed my husband and I am full of regret. I am thankful to have found this site. I know my marriage is over and I pray that you have the strength to work this out with your wife if you still love each other. I am new to this site. And my wounds and his are fresh. If I could do anything over again. I would not have done this. I did not get caught, I confessed becasue I could not live a lie and if we were or if there were any chance of working it out he had to know. Now that he does it may be over, but although this is so painful I am glad that I did not lie anymore. And that I cared enough and loved him enough to let him know. THere are going to be many tears. AT the time of the affair, you dont think about this part. You cannot immagin the pain you cause when you hurt someone this way, and yourself. You dont how bad the loss is until it is over. So try, try to work through it if you can.

I don't venture over here very often, but something that helped my DH who the doctors and I think my have Sleep Apnea was a SnorGuard mouthpiece. It's cheap and he doesn't snore with it in. Prior to his snoring was so loud it woke him up and I had been known to sleep on the couch here and there.

It's a cheap fix until you get the sleep study done, the wait is about 9 months down here!

Nelson, have you had a chance to read through any of Dr. Harley's books, or any of the articles here?

If not, I suggest WW and you print them out, starting with the Basic Concepts, and then the 4 part series on Coping with Infidelity.

Read them separate, or read them together - whichever works for you two.

Read all the material that is available on the site. Whenever you find something relevant that you would like to discuss with your wife, print it out and prep it for discussion.

My FWW and I each read them separately and highlighted portions which stuck out or made a lot of sense - and then we sat down together and discussed the articles. We then filed those away in a 3-ring binder just for MB materials and printouts.

You will also want to do the Questionnaires.

Do both the Emotional Needs and Love Busters questionnaires, and the Personal History questionnaires.

Sorry you are here, brother. Welcome aboard.

HoldHerHand - We are reading HNHN and Love Busters. We have both also read the articles and concepts on the website.

We have also done the questionnaires and and gone them through together and discussed them in depth.

Thank you.

Sorry you are here but welcome!

Dr Harley is very clear that the path to recovery is a very NARROW one and stresses the importance of not skipping steps.

Unfortunately, oftentimes WSs will want to skim over the "safety" portion of recovery and jump right over to the "meeting ENs" portion...which will come back to haunt you. I know this from experience. After the intial hysterical bonding period, my H and I were somewhat limping along in our recovery, and Steve Harley told us we needed to "start" over with the protection phase which he didn't feel my WS did a good job with.

Re Just Compensation, I see some steps that are being skipped and the only reason given by your WW is that you haven't asked for it. These are gestures that may seem small or unnessary but I believe they go a long way in the recovery process so I am going to encourage you to ask her to follow through on these things.
1) NC letter
2) EPs, in WRITTEN form to your satisfaction
3) FB account closed...

If at a later time in the recovery process you want to revisit the FB issue, by all means you should, but at this stage when your M is in the very early stages of trying to recover from an A, at the very least it is a trigger for you. Worst case, OM can contact her by opening a new account or there may be some indirect contact through a mutual friend as has been alluded to. Not to mention FB is NO place for a person who has not been proven to have strong boundaries.

One question: Was your WW's phone # ever changed or did she switch phones with you?

SusieQ:

Thank for the informative post. I will address all 3 of your recommendations with her. What are your thoughts on having a JOINT Facebook account instead of separate ones?

No, her phone number has not been changed. I have put blocks on OM's number, and GPS on her phone. I can already see you will reply he could simply change his number and render that useless. I will change her phone number.

Nelsonak,

Did you expose on the OMs side to his wife/girl friend and misc?

God Bless
Gamma

I would say do it, if you can get it to work.

I have gotten some guff myself from family, as FWW and I have both deleted FB for now.

For me, it was because of my own vulnerability to temptation at the time.

You could, of course, operate FB under EP's and PoJA; no opposite sex friends, PERIOD. Only family and close friends, and no work friendships (even of the same sex).

Keeping work and home separate is a good EP. In my case, 2 of FWW's coworkers facilitated and encouraged a lot of independent and inappropriate behavior. Bad friends are an enemy to a good marriage, and work friends get 40 hours a week of time, while spouses struggle to meet 20+.

Gamma, no I did not. When she was home the weekend before D-Day it was broken off, and was certainly dead on D-Day.

HoldHerHand: the older I'm getting, the less and less I care about Facebook, I've thought of deleting mine several times. We are definitely going to have to seriously discuss it and how to proceed.

I'm struggling with my thoughts and don't know how to deal with them. SF has been not enough for me except for a few periods of time during the marriage. For the record I'd be completely satisfied with 1-2x a week, hell once a week is fine. It is not my top EN, it's number four on the list. Last year, could probably count the number of times on two hands. There was nothing during the affair. She has bought several books that deal with sex and intimacy that we will go through together, and I applaud her for that. But reading how enthusiastic she was for sex with the OM, and the pictures and text messages describing the acts and enjoyment that were exchanged are adding to my frustrations and internal struggle. Do I just keep meeting her needs and hope she develops the desire?

Yes, that's my understanding of it: she may need to feel that emotional connection with you before she's overcome with desire for you.

Somewhere (maybe the Q&A column?) Dr. Harley comments that, in most cases, sexual issues resolve themselves as the marriage improves. Maybe someone can find a link?

But, if she's bought books on the subject, I'm assuming y'all have talked about it and I'd say you're on track...wish my wife did that

Take care, Nelsonak, good to have you here.

Just to follow up with you SusieQ, she is writing up the NC letter that I will send out. I have a list of EPs in my hand that are very thorough and well done, imo. I can always add to them if I feel something is lacking or missing. We are following HoldHerHand's suggestion about operating FB under EPs and POJA. We went through her entire profile yesterday removing people and updating privacy settings, etc.. and I will continue to check it going forward.

I have been checking her phone, and the details on our provider's website. We also went over to an AT&T store this afternoon and had the number on it changed.

I have question. Since we changed my wife's phone number today, I will have to let my parents know the new number. They'll obviously ask why. They don't know about the affair, do I even tell them, or just say we had to get it changed?

Maybe I missed this but have you exposed this affair to the OM's wife? It is absolutely essential that you do this. In addition, your wife and yourself must be tested for STD's. If the roles had been reversed and you had put your wife's health at risk for STD's do you think she would have been as accepting as you have been? I wish you luck.

They don't know about the A? You can tell them that you are eliminating all avenues of contact from that creature.

Thanks for the follow up Great job!

A couple more Qs...

So your W isn't willing to give up FB? I am going to stress again that this is a VERY bad idea for her and now I am moving on...

This hasn't been exposed to your parents?? Who has this A been exposed to?

Just FTR...even if you two have made up your minds about this, then this would be for any lurkers...

EPs are not POJA'd! Oftentimes WS have to do things they aren't enthusiastic in their EPs... But it's part of just compensation and affair-proofing the marriage.

Next, if she reconnected with the OM on FB, then the EP would be to eliminate that condition...at least until she has proven herself to have firm boundaries...which HASN'T happened yet. Changing privacy settings isn't an EP.

Is the OM mutual friends with any of your WW's FB friends?

It's not that she isn't willing to give it up, it's that I did not ask her to. With that said, there were some conditions we have implemented with that to continue using FB.

When this first started, I was under the impression that exposure was a tool used to expose it and stop the affair if it was continuing. I read Dr. Harley's article last night about exposure. I have to admit, that I feel conflicted on exposure right now. The A was over before I found out, and there has been 0 contact since D-Day. It seems like exposure now that the A is dead and has been for a month would come across as being spiteful. Neither of our families were aware or enablers of the A. They all live 1300 miles away and we have an EP that says no travel without the other. Close friends are aware and offering support (Pro-marriage support).

Thanks for the clarifications. She did have mutual friends with the OM, but all of those have been removed and I compared hers and the OM's friend list to make sure we got them all. Additionally, male friends have been removed that are not family. All that remains are family, close female friends (No female friends that were mutual friends with the OM), and female friends from the Boston Terrier rescue and show groups we are involved with.

I think that maybe if your wife could let the families know herself that would keep her accountable, I also think that facebook should be given up at least until the thoughts in her head about boundaries are more normal. Right now why have something that puts doubt in your mind, one less thing is good for now.......Ask the family for help in keeping her true to your marriage........
The trick with this kind of recovery is you have to have solid action related acts to look back on and hang on to, this shows a sign of good faith and a message that the marriage is the most important thing, without them what do you have a guessing game...........
words mean little without the actions for a long while, you need something to trust and believe in again.

Dr Harley advocates exposure regardless of whether the A has ended or not:


and this:



Have you talked to your W about this? What does she say?

Nelson, welcome to Marriage Builders. Sorry you are here. I am catching up on your thread and maybe this has been addressed, but she needs to DELETE her facebook account. Not just block the OM, but delete facebook from her computer. You can even go in and put a password protected blocker on her computer just to be safe.

The reason is because this is the environment she used to carry on her affair. If you are interested in affair proofing your marriage, the environment that made the affair possible has to change. Facebook is not worth your marriage and has to go. She will be triggered and tempted to unblock the OM every time she goes on there.

Secondly, has the affair been exposed to your family members? Dr Harley DOES recommend exposing the affair to close family and friends, regardless of the state of the affair. This is so there will be more people to hold her accountable. Keeping it a secret does not help your wife at all. Do you know the OM's family? I would consider telling them too.

We both agree it should be done, and I will being working on it. I am going to delay exposing to my parents for a few days though. We received word this morning that a very good friend of theirs from church, lost his battle with cancer last night. *edit* I will still expose to them, but I'm going to let them grieve the loss first.

Personal Info!!

Folks, please avoid posting links to websites that could potentially identify you. This is for your safety.

Oops, sorry about that, wasn't even thinking.

Had my sleep study last night. I was shocked I was able to sleep with all the stuff hooked up! Technician said she would monitor everything all night, if needed would wake me up to hook up a CPAP machine. 2.5 hours later, she was waking me up to put it on. I'm guessing the prognosis wasn't good, but it'll be interesting to see the results.

How are you doing otherwise, nelson? Are you two getting your 15+ hrs UA time every week? Did you two expose to your family yet?

I'm good, thanks for asking. Things are going very well at home. The only thing that is somewhat frustrating for me is the lack of SF. I'm HD and she is LD. By HD I mean I could go anytime almost anywhere, but would be perfectly happy with 1-2/week. Unfortunately her drive is way down. It hasn't always been like that, so I'm just concentrating on meeting her needs. (SF is not #1 on my list and she has been doing great meeting all my other top needs.) We are easily meeting and exceeding our UA time every week and it's been great. Yes, the family now knows.

Glad you checked in.

Does your W know you are feeling frustrated about this? Has she read any of the articles Dr Harley has written on this topic? Here's one link:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5013b_qa.html

SusieQ, yes she does know I feel. We have both read the articles pertaining to SF on the website.

Wow, just looking back, the HNHN course should be mandatory before getting married. What a wonderful difference it's made in our relationship in just almost two months. So thankful for it and my wife.

Just a side note, I go get my CPAP machine on Wednesday, and the wife is going in for a sleep study tomorrow night. What a sight it will be at night with both of us hooked up to machines lol!

OMG! Got a call from the wife to come home early from work. We got two pink lines on a pregnancy test! I am the happiest man in the world right now. Considering all the troubles we had before getting pregnant this is the second happiest day of my life (First is marrying my wife). Early on when we started recovery, I predicted something like this would happen, and I am so glad it did!!! Can't lose sight of recovery though, gotta keep working it!

Congrats, nelson & BostonLover!!!

Just an update.

That pregnancy didn't "stick", and that has been very hard on both of us. Can't afford IVF right now so we're just in kind of a limbo in regards to that.

Relationship wise things have been going great. We talk, do a lot of activities together, making good progress on working on the house, and just spend time together which has been awesome. Recently her uncle died from his battle with cancer, and her father is in the hospital from stroke-like symptoms but not a stroke. We are going to try to move him out to an assisted living type place out by us which I think would be good for him and for my wife. With all of that combined and the frustrations over not being able to get pregnant and stress at work has had an emotional impact on her. I am there to support her in every way I am able to. However, I am feeling increasing frustration over the lack of SF. We've had sex maybe 3 times since D-Day. Am I just being selfish and not trying hard enough to look at it from her perspective that with all of that going on, that would be the last thing she'd want to do? I want to be supportive in these hard times and not push the issue, but it is very hard with a high drive. Any advice from someone who may have been in a similar situation would be appreciated. Heck, any advice would be appreciated. lol

N-

I read your thread and I am now replying to other BH as I think 3 months after my dday, I feel comfortable in my thoughts as things emotionally have leveled out. Never thought it could happen, but it has. Still have moments but there way less frequent but the key was and is today, my FWW is onboard with all the program requirements.

One of the things I made her know early on is the sex part of her A was driving me nuts because during her A (which by the way went on for anywhere from 5-7 years) I complained heavily about her lack of desire in our bed. It was pulling teeth and generally for lack of better word and to put some hurt in her, when she did give in to me Id refer to it as a "mercy f". So this was a relatvie constant issue in our marriage which I chalked up to her low sex drive which she says today didnt exactly go thru the roof with OM, but nonetheless, having intercourse with another guy ONCE makes her excuses moot.

I kind of thought remorseful and gulity WW throwing themselves sexually at BHs is typical upon dday. So to hear your SF issues surprise me. In the info gathering stage after dday, I persued questions like the numbers of sex encounters and where, when, and how because to me their emotional relationship was a big pile of BS, it was the sex that drove me crazy. The first week after dday was an extraodinary display of make up sessions. And now 3 months later is hasnt changed a bit, its gotten better. Not boasting, just surprises me a caught cheating and remorseful wife I thought would stand on her head to compensate you in that arena.

I tell my wife all the time that our togetherness in bed and out is helping me put what she did and the hurt further away. The program calls for romance to be increased, alone time, and conversation. We flirt, we talk, we text, we touch, we kiss, we walk, and we do a ton of things before dday were not part of our life.

I told my wife who clearly spent more time sexually with OM than me during the A that I need to make up for lost time. I told her I have 5 to 7 years of intimacy to make me feel like she's mine. I got advice from a buddy who himself was a WH and is 2 years after his dday, that as BH we are in charge of many things. We control a lot at this point. You make it clear to her your recovery requires more intimacy. You 2 are young and should be enjoying this part of your relationship now that the A is in the past.

Another thought I just had, one of arguments pre dday Id have with my wife about sex was what exactly was she thinking I needed from her in a typical encounter. yes, Id like a marathon session for 2 hours and etc. But, really, all I wanted was 10-15 minutes every so often and when I didnt get that I was demoralized as a man. Getting turned down for this as often as I was and her never,ever suggesting it was a major issue in my marriage. It wont be ever again.

My advice from my philandering friend was to be aggressive with what you want. Dont hurt and no means no. But, sometimes a W wants you to take and show what you want. I learn somethine from my mentor in sales, if you dont show want, the people you are dealing with assume you are happy and dont need anything. Show want.