So my WH, who is living with the OW, frequently sends text messages to ask how things are at home, or to say something like "I just ran out of gas can you believe that?" Do I respond? Do I ignore them? Some of both?

If you are in Plan B, they should be blocked or deleted without reading. Then your IM should message him and tell him that his message was deleted without being read and that if he wants to get in touch with you he should go through him/her. Your WS is just testing to see if you really mean no contact.

Do you mean it?

mehr, did you go to plan B yet? Hand him a plan B letter? Or, are you still in plan A?

If you are in plan B.....melodylane told you what to do.
If you are in plan A.....you text him back and say "We are watching a movie and having a great time. We are going to the store for some BBQ supplies and ice cream. We are having a sleepover in the living room tonight. Etc. Wish you were here. Miss you like crazy big guy. Etc." " You ran out of gas? Yikes! LOL. XXXOOO"

So.... its not pathetic and enabling to respond? I am in Plan A, but he is not living here which makes it different.

It doesn't make it different. You need to Plan A until the moment you go to Plan B.

Take these moments just to throw something in there. Plan A is about showing the willingness to meet ENs when the A is over.

So respond, as reading has suggested.

make the responses simple an small, make him want more from you.......

I think the trouble is that I want to do it the Surviving An Affair way, but there are so many voices (people) in my life telling me that it is the wrong way. It can be confusing.

huh? What are you confused about? We have given you a PLAN that was devised by Dr Bill Harley, clincal psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders. What is confusing??

You are a grown woman, you should make a decision and stick to it.

This is very, very true - and works - you'd be amazed how well it works. I did it often,....and mostly when I KNEW he was with OW. It's tough to rise above the feelings of being two-timed, or that he's cake-eating, yet, if you can do it just like the example Reading provided -- staying confident, calm, into him, excited to hear from him, no angst, no "let's talk".

The purpose is to entice him to really SEE you in a good light and look over at her and think,...what the heck am I doing with his thing/OW?! Her flaws will really start to be apparent to him.

Remember the guideline, though... most women can't take Plan A for more than a few weeks. If it's been 3 weeks since you've truly started Plan A and he hasn't given up the OW, go straight to Plan B from then until he's ready to discuss the 3 requirements for recovery:

1. No contact with the other woman for the rest of his life.
2. Extraordinary precautions to prevent a resurgence of the affair or a new affair with someone else. This includes radical honesty (transparency) about everything he is doing, thinking, plans for the future, personal history, etc.
3. Commitment to a marital recovery program.

Please re-read "Surviving An Affair" a few times during your Plan A until you really understand what your plan for recovery needs to be. Affairs suck; Dr. Harley's plan is designed to give you the best possible chance for recovery.

I totally agree w/DNM. Right about a few week GOOD plan A.

If you're not pouring on the "A" plan right now, then do it! You need to try to get some face time in with WH, and also be loving, and try to zero in on whatever his specific and particular top 3 or 4 Emotional Needs are and do it!

You want to have him remember you and the last contact you have as loving, calm, happy, peaceful, and that he was truly loved.

Make it a STARK contrast to the evil, vile manipulations of the posow. The contrast will stand out! Trust me!

He obviously can't go on happily without having you in his life in some capacity, and he will lose it when plan B is achieved.

Thus, give it your all, use up all of your wind in your sails, and go for a stellar plan A for a little while. Again, all the while, be able to maybe get some face time in? Be loving, attractive, calm, cool, happy, cook his fave meals, be supportive, and then go to plan B if he doesn't come home after that.

Then, in plan B, you send him the plan B love letter, and then you go dark.

Silent.

You show him in plan B, how it will be if and when he ends up with the posow. Trust me, he won't like the reality of the truth. Waywards still want their BS in some capacity. Even my WH (during the time I filed for divorce) went bezerk after I filed and was in a dark plan B. He was somehow convinced I was seeing somebody (I wasn't of course, just wasn't seeing HIM!)

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