I have a very big problem with my marriage. My husband has been unfaithful and now he wants to leave the marriage and be with his affair partner. I believe the affair was the result of several issues. My husband lost his father to cancer only a few months ago and is still suffering from that loss. My husband has spent the last year and a bit working a lot of the time (about 60%) away from home, only returning on weekends. Our marriage has been in a slump, we spend a lot more time looking after the children than our relationship. Our sex life was not good, we would only have sex every two or three months. He was working closely with his affair partner on a project, they had a close friendship which has grown into an affair.
We have been married for ten years and have two beautiful children. Until he dropped this bombshell on me we have had a happy marriage. He is now saying that he has been unhappy for a long time and does not want to save the marriage. His behaviour did not suggest that he was unhappy or wanting to leave the marriage until recently. We have discussed plans for the future and even day to day organisation without any hint that he was planning to leave. This has come as a shock to me and to all our friends and family. It is out of character for this devoted family man to just up and leave without trying to fix the problem. I want to save our marriage. What can I do?

Hello Albizia and welcome to the best place to be in your circumstances.

For starters, read here.

Oh, and the only reason why he cheated, was poor boundaries.

MB advice for the people in your situation is and will always be the same.

1) Get evidence
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2461388&page=1

2) Expose
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2266646#Post2266646

3) Plan A
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2458276&page=1

Hi there Albizia,

Sorry you have the need to be here, Your problem is very familiar on this site, there are steps you can take to save your marriage..........first I would read all the information on this site about exposure and PLan A and PLan B..........
I think the first thing you have to do is tell your husband that you still love him and want to rebuild the marriage so both of you are happy............
Tell him he has to give up the OW and commit to you and your family, if he refuses then you expose the affair to everyone important to him, your families, your friends, his work colleagues. The OW's family and friends........
Affairs happen with a secrecy when they are exposed it's hard to carry on with everyone knowing..........
Then you Plan A your husband the best way you can..............fill his most important emotional needs.............look this part up as well.........
I would look up affair fog babble as well, a lot of what he is saying fits this as well.......as long as they work together it will be difficult that is why the exposure at the work place is crucial, a lot of places will not tolerate this between employees........he will be mad, but so what your marriage can survive him being mad, not him being involved emotionally with another woman.........
You need a good plan, take back what is yours...........Expose to break up the affair.............If you don't you can't save your marriage. Is the OW married.......tell her husband first........
tell her parents, siblings, whoever you have to........do it all at once for the best effect..........
the vets should be around soon to help you with your plan......
jessi

Welcome Albizia,

Affairs make aliens out of friends. He has conveniently rewritten history to justify his actions.

Read the articles here. Especially the "Carrot and Stick" article.

Expose to all who will make a difference. Meet his emotional needs. (Find out what they are first) Contact us here when you need to vent.

Do not try to re-educate WH. Do not get emotional (it's hard) Cry in quiet. Look beautiful when he sees you. Do not Lovebust (Check the articles)

Gotta go. Writing this while on the phone!

Welcome, albizia, I'm sorry you have had to come here, but we can help you.

First, I'm assuming your WH and his AP work together, correct? Exposing the A to their employer could go a long way toward ending the affair. My H's affair ended the day they were exposed to their employer. We can help you with the process of exposure.

Do you know the OW? Is she married? Have you looked on Facebook to see if she has a FB page?

Don't tell your H or your family about this website. We have tools on here to help YOU. It wouldn't be good for your WH to know about us right now, or you'll expose those tools to him.

Have you read the articles on this site? Please read as much as you can. Check out the links in the yellow box on the right of your screen and start there.

Also consider buying Surviving An Affair - you can find it in the bookstore on this site. I consider it my handbook in helping recover my marriage.

Thanks for the help.

I have exposed the affair to family and close friends. I am trying to carry out plan A however, I have done some lovebusting behaviours as well.
I am scared to be too active in my exposure as I don't want him to hate me and I am trying to protect our two young children (6 and9) who have already suffered so much.
It is hard to fill his needs when he is not here and is having very little contact with me (only when he sees the children).

Oh, no - you DO want to be very active in your exposure! And you need to do it all at once - exposing a little here, a little there is called 'trickle exposure' and is not a good tactic for killing the A. It just puts your WH on notice that you are starting to talk to people. That gives him time to come up with a reason to justify the A - like, your M was on the rocks already, you've been distant from each other for years, blah blah blah. And yep, he'll more than likely be furious. Good. That means the exposure is working. Look at it like this: your efforts will be severely hampered if he isn't upset - that means he doesn't care who knows! Your M can survive your WH's temporary anger. It cannot survive an active affair.

Make a list of people who can put pressure on both of them to end the A. Can you get her info? Facebook may help with this. Her parents are good targets. The number one target is her husband, if she is married. Obviously the employer should be at the top of the list as well.

Put your list together first. We can help you with the exposure. We have letters that you can use - can you put together a list? Do your children know the truth of what their father is up to?

The children do know. He told them that mummy and daddy have grown apart and daddy has met a new lady. I don't want to bad mouth him to them because I don't want them to hate their dad.

I know she is seperated from her husband and has a 3 year old daughter. They are both on FB.

But you don't want to teach them that this is appropriate married behavior, either. You need to be honest with your children.

"Daddy decided that he wants to date a woman. Married people are not supposed to date. I love Daddy and I am trying to help him see that what he is doing is wrong."

He has lied to his children. Do NOT support this lie. Many, many children are harmed because one parent lies and the other parent does not combat the lie. You can tell the truth without "badmouthing" Daddy.

Here's what you say. "Honey, Daddy has not told you the truth. Daddy met a new lady and decided that he wanted to be with her instead of with Mummy. We did not "grow apart" until after Daddy met the new lady. The new lady is married. Her 3yo daughter is probably sad that HER mummy and daddy are separated, too."

That's the truth. The only "badmouthing" is that the truth shows that Daddy was a jerk. But you shouldn't call him a jerk. You should just tell the truth. Kids are smart. They can figure out who was in the wrong simply by knowing the facts.

If they get mad at him for acting like a jerk, then that is a consequence of his actions.

The chance is very, very good that they 'separated' so she could carry on her affair with your husband.

You need to do some research and track down her husband's address. A FB notice will work, but try to find a physical address and phone number for him first. In person is better when it's the BS you're trying to contact.

Try him on www.intelius.com

albizia, if you want to save your marriage, then you must expose the affair wide and far. You are not protecting your children by keeping his secret. Your marriage can survive his temporary anger, it cannot survive an ongoing affair. It is the most powerful weapon you have. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so exposing it ruins the fantasy. It is no fun to get high when every one is watching with disgust on their faces.

Many of us saved our marriages by exposing our spouse's affairs. Here is what Dr Harley says about exposure:

here

By helping him hide his secret, you are inadvertantly ENABLING his affair. This affair should be exposed to everyone, his parents, your parents, the OW's friends and family, your children, the VP of their company, EVERYONE. This will ruin the affair. While it may not kill it overnight, it will hasten its death.

If you are interested in saving your marriage, we can help you develop a strategic exposure plan.

They will grow up and hate YOU when they find out that you have allowed their father to teach them that wrong is right. He is screwing with their minds and as their mother, you have a moral obligation to protect them from that. They might learn right from wrong on their own and figure out you did not protect them.

See, little kids instinctively know right from wrong. They know what their dad has told them is wrong and they are very confused because they are being told by an adult that wrong is right. When you don't validate their instincts, they will rightfully conclude they are stupid and will learn to doubt their instincts.

This is the beginning of profound moral confusion. And unless you stop this abuse and neglect, they will grow up LOST. Just LOST. Don't do that to them.

Lying to little kids like that is the equivalent of rearranging the furniture in the house of a blind person. It is just the same, because you are rearranging REALITY in the mind of a child. It is like living in the carnival funhouse. And don't get me wrong, some people ENJOY screwing with people's minds, but hopefully you do not.

You need to tell the kids that adultery is IMMORAL and why it is immoral. Tell them that their dad has hooked up with bad woman and that their father is trying to replace you with this adultery partner. The goal is to break up their family. Just say it.

Tell them you are doing everything in your power to save their family.

They SENSE that adultery is wrong and just need an adult to validate that.

Exposure killed my H's A the DAY I did massive exposure.

Listen, you aren't going to convince us that exposure isn't right for YOU. Your situation is no different than anyone else's, and exposure is par for the course around here.

You MUST end the A before you can hope to get into recovery. Exposure is your absolute best bet at ending the A.

Please don't waste anymore time telling us why you can't or won't expose. We just can't help you much until you do this and put a big fat damper on the A.

MB has a fantastic plan for recovering from an A and exposure is the very first step. Please do this so that we can help you get to the rest of the recovery plan.

DITTO.

You ~~~> Afraid to take action because he might "hate" you.
You ought to worry about his disrespect for you, not imaginary/potential "hate".

He has no respect whatsoever for you right now. Disrespect is a love killer. Disrespect is a love buster on steroids.
Disrespect will ruin any hope for a future happy marriage EVEN IF OW DUMPED WH TODAY, your marriage would rot with disrespect.


A Better You ~~~> Determined to take action because it will kill the affair and show you have self respect. And courage. And integrity.

OK then if I am going to expose the affair how do I do it? Do I post on his FB so that everyone knows?

You can do that in addition to calling your close family and friends and asking them to use their influence to persuade him to end his affair.

I would plan on exposing to the OW's family and friends on facebook by sending them private messages. Go to her page, copy and paste all of her friends names into a WORD doc for safekeeping. Change your facebook picture to one of you and your husband. Send out private messages SPACED A MINUTE APART SO FB DOESN'T SHUT YOU DOWN FOR FLOODING. I will post a sample letter.

Additionally, if this is a workplace affair, I would send letters to the Director of Human Resources, a key VP and both their supervisors. If they work at different companies, notify both companies since they would both be affected by their irresponsbile, unprofessional behavior. We have a sample letter for that too.

Dear friend of Skankyhola,

It is with great regret that I send this letter but I believe all of her friends should be aware that Skanky is having an affair with my husband, Joe. We have been married for 5 years and have 3 heartbroken children. They have been having this affair since October according to the evidence.

I would be happy to provide the evidence to anyone who asks.

I would ask that you use your influence with Skanky to persuade her to leave my husband alone. You should also watch your own husbands around her because she is no friend to marriage.

I would appreciate it if someone would notify her parents and ask them to call me at xxx-www-xxxx.

Thank you, BW


Developed by Brits Brat, board member and corporate attorney

To Whom It May Concern:

This letter is to bring a matter to your attention that may be a violation of your Company's Code of Conduct and/or other policies, procedures and business ethics.

WS and WS are involved in an extramarital affair that is taking place, primarily, in the workplace. Aside from the potential sexual harassment claims this situation presents, it also involves the inappropriate use of company resources and assets. WS and WS are using company time and company resources to further their affair. If you check the call histories on their office and cell phones along with their workstation computers, you will find the two of them are spending an inordinate amount of what should be productive work time to further their sexual relationship.

If you have any questions, please call me at xxx-xxxx. Otherwise, I will anticipate a response from you once you have investigated these concerns and taken appropriate corrective action.

Regards,

BS
_________________________

Well I sent her seperated husband a message on FB.
I have also learnt some new information from WS mother. She told me that he sent her a letter trying to explain his actions. He has claimed full responsibility for the affair and subsequent seperation. He told her that OW has been very supportive through this whole thing and even offered to step back if there was a chance of reconciliation. Man she is pulling a Plan A on him. How can I compete with that?

Just keep doing the plan and keep your eyes and energies focused on making sure the affair ENDS. We can't compete with fantasy. We have to first end the fantasy. After the fog has lifted and your marriage is into recovery, your H may even thank you for not allowing his life to proceed in such a disgraceful way. In the meantime, be the best wife you know to be, meet his needs, expose, follow what the vets are telling you.

There is nothing "responsible" about having an affair and abandoning your family for an affair. I would enlist your MIL to persuade him to end his affair. Will she do that? Will she run off the OW?


I am not following you. Surely you understand that the OW is not "supportive," right? When you support someone you don't help them wreck their life.

Did you expose the affair yet? Its important to stick to your plan and not get sidetracked by the meaningless fogbabble of waywards. The things your H has said are meaningless.

My MIL is most definitely on my side and has talked to him, but he refuses to listen because he believes he is doing the right thing. He thinks that the marriage is over and he is in love with OW.
I understand that the OW is not supportive but if he believes that it makes it difficult.

Oh yeah on d-day the OW here said "If you want to reconcile with her I am a big girl and i can deal with it."

Yet she did not GO AWAY so that he really could recover the marriage. Roll eyes. This is all typical fogbabble.

Just stick to your plan! Expose wide and far. And if your MIL is really supportive, she can help you run off the OW by giving her a call and telling her to go to hell. If I were your MIL I would call the OW and tell her she will never darken my doorstep.

Well I did it.
I sent an email to the HR department of their workplace exposing the affair. I am still not sure if this was a good idea but I just shut my eyes and pushed send.

You did a brave thing, albizia. I applaud you

Good for you, albizia! Wait for the fallout, and there will be some. He'll be pissed, he might 'hate' you, you ruined his job, blah blah blah. Tell him this: "I love you and our marriage and will do whatever it takes to save it. I am trying to save our marriage."

Good for you, albizia! Wait for the fallout, and there will be some. He'll be pissed, he might 'hate' you, you ruined his job, your marriage is over, blah blah blah. Tell him this: "I love you and our marriage and will do whatever it takes to save it. I am trying to save our marriage."

Good job! you did use their full names, right?

I would get any remaining exposures done today or tomorrow. Your H will be furious so you need to make sure the exposure is effective and impactful enough to cause a tsunami effect. Doing a halfway exposure causes more problems than it solves. It does just enough to piss off the WS but not enough to kill the affair. So make sure you are THOROUGH!

I wish you were my MIL.... alas.

Keep the tsunami of exposure going, spend the whole day messaging OW family, H, your husbands family, your family.

Call them daily to keep the heat on him. Does he have brothers and sisters? They need to know also. Do you have close friends of both of yours? Expose now

Message several layers of his/her management team.. One person may forget or do nothing but not all of them.

I have now told all my family and his family as well as a lot of friends. I have sent a message to her seperated husband and have emailed thier work. Both mine and his families are still in shock and believe he has totally lost the plot. His mother is having lunch with him on Saturday and has said she will talk to him then, but doesn't hold much hope of him listening. My mother said he is a very persuasive person when he talks and since he has managed to convince himself he is doing the right thing he is also able to convince other friends who have talked to him. I guess now the best thing for me to do is sit and wait while being the best wife I can be from a distance.
I have the kids in counselling but they are still both very upset and angry. Any tips on helping them to get through this difficult time?

albizia:
You are doing the right things. Take care of yourself! The kids need you in Plan A for them also. That means you do whatever is necessary to support yourself. Do not feel guilty about the kids anger and pain. You are the one fighting for them and they will come through it. I speak first hand on that. Make darn sure the counselor you send them too is supportive of the marriage builders solution or find another one who is. Do know the good people here will support you.
Blessings and prayers for you. You are courageous and I admire you so very much!

itburns: I understand firsthand where you are. When I exposed without proof a physical affair I learned a few things: 1. It didn't matter that I was once a young tough Marine - the anger I received at exposure time exceeded all my expectations. And I had no support system to go to. Make certain you take care of yourself and have a support system in place. I all but offed myself in fear and frustration when I got the "well now divorce is certain" speech and the other incredible anger I received. 2. No married spouse should listen for one second to a man hitting on them. That is not a friend. A friend supports not subverts the marriage. 3. Most people that gt caught up in the "just friends" cannot invite the friend to dinner nor can they talk in front of the spouse. Fail either of those two tests and it is not just friends... 4. Exposure of the emotional affair (secretive and behind your back) has about an 80% chance of killing the "fun" of the affair. 5. Do not expose in an angry tirade. (I did and I regret it and lost the advantage because of it) 6. Strange people become affair partners - 7. You have a right to discuss and set boundaries that you are comfortable with in the marriage. If there is a difference of opinion do not get threatening. Just agree to both research the subject. If its a deal breaker for you after you talk about it with research... then you must calmly say so.
8. Take a hard look at yourself. I found out I was guilty of loud angry outbursts. I did not swear, I did not hit. But by goodness could I pour on the volume. Wow could I lecture by the hour. Wow could I threaten to cancel vacations, file for divorce. I was verbally abusive and controlling and it took the hard looking at myself to realize that. So I set out to fix it.
Fix whatever you can that you can identify as an emotional need of your wife that you have not been able to meet. Just don't sell out on transparency, and fidelity ("forsaking all others" is the usual phrase...
And please know you will survive and that your marriage can get better.
Prayers for you and your wife and children.

Hurting Turkey
ME: BH age 56 Recovering Verbal Abuser
SHE:WW age 49
Married 13 years
Hers: 22 and 18 years
Mine: 30, 28 and 22 years
Ours: 11 years
She still won't admit A # 2 despite overwhelming evidence
Considered Plan B but was told not to by Steve H. since A is over
to hang on to Plan A. Grateful for the people on this board (even though they tire of telling me what I don't want to hear!)

It's 1:30 in the morning here and I haven't slept yet. I'm having a bad night and I just want to curl up in a ball and cry.

He came and picked the kids up today to take them out for a while. I tried to be very friendly and everything but it is like trying to be friendly to a brick wall. He informs me that he is going away for work next week and won't be back for 5 weeks. How long do I keep going with plan A and is it even possible to do a proper plan A when I hardly see him?

Has he always worked these hours away from home? If not, you can guarantee he is going to OW house to stay. Your best bet is saying "both of us know you going away for five weeks includes OW" Simply walk away saying this is hurting our family.

This will be plan B real soon, once he steps out you file for custody of those kids, have him live somewhere else using an intermediary.. Never communicate directly, only use other person including kids.

He thinks he knows what is right but he is in a fantasy land based on lies and selfishness. Those poor kids will never see him the same way if he leaves you.

I am pretty sure that 4 of the 5 weeks will not be with OW since he is travelling out of the country for work on a project she was not involved in. The fifth week could well mean catching up with her.
I am worried about his mental well being. When his mother (who is staying with me for a week) told him how badly the kids are taking this, his response was "That is to be expected". I can't believe the lack of feeling from a man who has always doted on his kids. In this frame of mind I don't think telling him he is hurting the family is going to make any difference.

He says that will be expected but he comes by to have fun time with the kids. He will lose that illusion of the kids coming around to OW for Christmas party and love real quick when he cant just take the kids.

It will also make OW the one to meet his needs. Since he has still been coming home to you family commitment is still big with him.

And you'd be right. You can't educate a wayward. Your WH is thick in the fog and doesn't want to hear anything that would take the zing out of his affair. There's a mental thing going on, alright. It's the wayward mentality.

I suspect it will become clear quickly as to whether or not OW is with him. I think she probably will be - waywards don't like to be apart that long.

You can still Plan A him with notes, emails & calls.

Thanks for the advice.

You would not believe how much this is helping me right now. Having people like you guys give me hope is what is getting me through.

albizia,

Just wanted to send my support and to let you know we have all been where you are, it's tough but not impossible........
Just listen to the vets, plan, plan and plan some more, Plan A the best you can and just sit back and let the affair die out, they don't last because they are just fantasy, there is no real life experience that relationships go through.......
The kids are in play now, financial strain is in play.........guilt and trust issues they will have now come into play, the affair partners never really think about meeting every need of the other partner so that is play.........Watch and see how quickly there is trouble in paradise, in the meantime when you do see him, look great, smell great and appear to be happy .........even if you don't feel it.......
Be confident, firm and loving................don't expect anything this is the faze you won't get anything back........don't let that discourage you..........
It takes time for this all to turn around.........stay here and get the steps you need to move forward from the great vets on this site, they have help save a few marriages on this site.............
get your strength here, vent here............we know it's all part of the process.

I am working on plan A. He has started to talk to me like a person now. This morning he even rang to ask how my night was last night. I hope this means it is having a good effect.

I have invited him home tomorrow to see the kids do their easter egg hunt. I figure that good fun family time might help remind him of what he is throwing away.

Hope it works!

Well he came over for the easter egg hunt and we all went out to lunch. Man it is like he is some kind of zombie. I don't seem to be able to get more than two words out of him. He just answers my questions in as few words as possible. I asked him a bit about his overseas trip and it sounds as if he is going alone. I am pleased about this. While we were at lunch he did have to go off and answer a text which I presume was from her.
His mother talked to him again the other day and she says that he is not listening to anything she says and just answers "This is for the best". I just want to say "For who?" but I know that would be confrontational and not the best idea.
Please tell me, is his blank attitude normal or has he really made up his mind and nothing will change it. I am starting to lose hope.

Ok Albizia, first of all you're doing a GREAT job! you are! And you're doing a good plan A too!

Make sure whenever you're around wh, that you're looking beautiful, smell amazing, and offer him something homemade and tasty (makes them want you and all that surrounds the marriage and family).

He IS a zombie b/c the posow is brainwashing him to the max. Look, this woman wants YOUR husband, thus she has to do a huge brainf* on him to get him to leave everything. Plus, since she's getting him to cheat with her ON YOU, then she's also extremely jealous and of course, monitoring as much as her wayward and skanky little brain can, his being AROUND YOU.

Of course skank ho texted him. She was keeping tabs since he's cheating with her, she doesn't want him to be with you. They have a flawed sense of that don't they?

He is conflicted, as why he is saying one or two words. Or he may seriously be convinced he has to end it, so he's trying to not be nice on purpose to try to not lead you on. Guys do one of the two things imho.

Never assume if he's going alone. If there's a crazed, skank ho ow out there, she'll try however she can to get her claws into him anyway she can.

Again, skank ho already knows wh's mom doesn't want her around, so she's trying to get him to not be around his mom or not talk about anything b/c she knows everybody DOES NOT WANT THE SKANK AROUND.

YOU can beat and kill this affair! Keep doing a good plan A. Offer tomorrow for him to come over for a nice tasty dinner. You look hot, and serve something great! It's Easter, and a family holiday. Work this angle too!

Always make a point whenever he's around, to look and smell and be your 100 percent best. Center conversation around his top EN's. Word things you talk about to make them friendly for his top ENs. For example, if admiration is one of his top EN's, say something like this.

"Wow, I hear you're going out of town for business to timbuktu honey. It is so interesting what you do. You know, the other day I was thinking how much training goes into being an architect. I saw a show on tv about them, and whoa, it really made me have a deeper appreciation for all the education and tough situations you have to deal with."

Tailor your conversations with pepperings of their top EN's. I used to do that with my WH (back when I was actually actively trying plan A, and it would always work like a charm. Heck even after I divorced him, if I wanted to get him to do anything at all, I'd do that forumula. Breaks thru the wayward selfish/self-centered surface they have.

It works so well, I can do it with just about anybody in fact. If you know somebody's top EN, and you converse with them (if there is a difficult situation)and you keep those top EN's in mind when you're talking, they HEAR and get what you're saying and it is usually (like 99 percent) a positive outcome.

That's something I learned from MB and kinda turned it around.

Don't give up yet! The sheer fact he came over for lunch and the egg hunt shows he is still receiving some EN fulfillment from being around you and with his kids. That shows something positive still. Just see him as an addicted zombie, being fed more zombie juice by the psycho ow, who is most likely telling him things like to stay away from his mom, family, and above all. YOU! Posow KNOWS her days in this are numbered, but she still thinks (po sad lil' ho) that she has a chance.

She doesn't know YOU know MB judo and that WE'RE here rooting you on and that several other key ow-hatin', skank-bustin', amazingly awesome females from MB have your back!

Now get that Easter dinner menu together, get out a cutesy outfit, and invite WH over AGAIN! And have one of the kids "accidentally" lose his cell phone.

I did that once btw. I told my son to go play with WH's cell, as his posow, the infamous beotch aka monkeyho, would try the same thing, as she was petrified of me b/c I wasn't some shrinking wallflower, I was an attractive woman who wasn't going to take her H having an A!

I had my little boy go play with it and he went and played w/it and it got "misplaced" all evening. I went upstairs before WH left my house (we were separated and he was over for dinner) and retrieved it, and saw SEVEN messages from monkeyho who was freaking out that he was with his family.

It MUST SUCK to be the ow, scared of having your cheating man out of your claws, worried to death he might actually want to go back home to his loving wife and children. Must truly suck to be that ow huh?

YOU aren't her! You're an amazingly beautiful MB goddess and you're going to stomp all over her with Plan A and if needed a dark plan B.

Thanks Peachy

I rang him and invited him to dinner tomorrow night. I said that since he was about to go away for 5 weeks it would be nice for him to come around a say goodbye to the kids properly. He says he needs to go out to drinks with a few guys from work, man he has his priorities screwed up. Anyway I said we could make it an early dinner and he said he will get back to me. My guess is he has to check with her, so I will be waiting for some kind of excuse.

Wow, I just got a reply from the message I sent to OW's husband. They have been seperated for a while but they were still close and have a child together. I wrote to him telling him the affair was going on and explaining what this did to my family. I also told him that WH had many unresolved issues and it would not be good for his W or daughter if WH were to move in with them.
He has just sent me a message saying he agrees 100% and that we need to talk and given me his mobile phone number.
My questions to the vets are;
1. What do I say to him?
2. What do I want him to do?
3. Is this a good idea, considering it will get back to my WH and he will be pissed off?

Please help.

Awesome! Good job you!

Call him and listen to what he has to say. He may provide you with some good intel about OW. You might even ask to meet him in a public place to make sure that it's really OWH that you're dealing with here. OW have been known to pose as their BH in responding to messages. If he's the real deal, he should have no qualms about meeting with you.

What you want him to do is to put pressure on his side of things (i.e., her, her family members, etc.) about the affair and to let you know when they (WH and OW) are together.

This is a VERY good idea. You DO want to talk to him. Yes, your WH will probably be royally pissed off, but that's okay. Your marriage can survive his anger, it CANNOT survive an active affair.

You're doing a great job Albizia, I'm impressed. Wish every BW that came here would "get it" as quickly as you have.

Don't forget to take care of your self, these are stressful times. Remember, the man you're dealing with now is a wayward and waywards are not exactly operating with all their faculties.

Keep posting. The more you post the more help you'll get.

(((Albizia)))

Oh, yes, albizia, call him. He may well become one of the most important allies you have in killing the A. See if he can help you fill in some blanks. For example, how long have they been separated? Does it coincide with the start of the A? Does he want to save his marriage, or is he the one who wants out?

Don't tell him about Marriage Builders just yet.

I had him over for dinner tonight and cooked a nice meal. I asked him all about his up coming trip and sounded really interested in what he was doing. That all went well except for his short answers and general lack of interest in me.
After dinner the kids were playing and while we were alone he confronted me saying he had a call from OW. Apparently her H had told her about the email I sent him. Conversation went something like this:
ME - Yes I have contacted him.
WH - I don't think you should be contacting people you do not know
Me - I do know him, we have spoken.
WH - I am not impressed
Me - Are you ashamed of what you have done
WH - No
Me - Then you have nothing to worry about.
WH - You don't know this person and this could have ramification for more people than just me.
Me - Oh well.

I presume he means it could also effect her and could get around work since her H also works for same company. Little does he know I have also emailed the HR dept of their work.

Here is hoping there is some effect.

Splendid, smile if he brings this up again, nothing better than waywards who are uncomfortable in their affair.

You did well.
Rambling about ramifications to other people is the last resort and of course plain stupid. The only thing that has ramifications for more people than him is his affair.

Albizia: I noted you exposed to your family, friends and her husband. Did you ever get access to her list of friends and coworkers either on Facebook or other means. While notifying the HR department is noteworthy you must do the same to her social circle of friends, if coworkers happen to be in the same circle tough. What about her parents? The intent is to shake her tree, give her sleepless nights and make the affair not worth her while.

I am hoping that when I do get to have a good chat with her H he will be able to shed some light on exactly who knows about the affair and maybe even help with some exposure. I haven't been able to talk to him yet but I will post as soon as I know more.

Be warned he may not be on board with exposure, this is your decision independent of him. Do the ground work and collect the contact information, if she is on facebook and you can see her friends list, click on their names and copy the web links to their pages as well as record their names in a secure document.

Having a bad day today. Dropped WH off at airport this morning and won't see him for 5 weeks.
I haven't been able to talk to OW husband yet but hoping to do so soon.
The kids and I have cried a lot today. I guess it is just one of those days.

It's ok Albizia.

You did great! He knows and he is a wayward, but, HE CAME OVER for dinner and you will Plan A him even with him gone!

Maybe send some homemade cookies and a pic of the kids and you to his hotel room? I think something like that is great. He needs to see that connection with home/you/kids/happy/comfortable. He seems to have made that connection as he came over for dinner last night.

now how did you Plan A him last night? Please tell me you did! It is OK for the wayward to be mad. That's part of the stick of plan A. Next time he says something about that, all you say is "Well I love you very much, our kids, and our family. Would you like a piece of chocolate cake?"

I tried to plan A him by looking nice, cooking a great dinner and spending the whole night talking about him. I asked him all about the trip and listened attentively to his answers. I offered to take care of anything he needed while he was away, but he didn't need anything.
This morning after he left he posted on FB saying that he had begun his big trip so I added a comment saying "Have a great trip, we'll miss you".

Now that's plan A warfare at its' finest Albizia!

You know..you could send him a cute photo of yourself too. Wink. There are things you can do that will throw a monkeywrench into things in case the ow is around.

I think you did a fabulous job plan A'ing. Thats what most guys want. Attractive woman hanging on their words (admiration). And a fabulous meal. And you happen to be his wife and mom of his kids!

Keep it up. And find creative ways to plan A from afar. You might even put something up on FB like "Have a fantastic tuesday, will MISS having YOU over for dinner like we did on Sunday." Stuff like that will let ow know he is spending time with you and with his family.

I'd slap a nice, big family picture up on his wall for all of his friends to see. Caption it: "We miss you! Hurry home!"

OK I need a suggestion.

My husband has just put on FB that he is sitting in a restaurant with the OW.
I tried phoning the restaurant to see if I could send a bottle of wine to their table but they couldn't do that over the phone.

Any suggestions.

Did he do this while "at his work trip"? Or he hasn't left yet? I probably would of personally drove over there and started to talk about family matters (Little Johnny wants to go to the zoo, what do you think about going there? Little Susie thinks more time is needed with you... Also, what do you think about my hair and my dress?) Also announcing to OW that you are his wife and the others around him. If he is that daring again call all your family to come visit him. He is obviously not trying to keep his affair a secret, is he?

Unfortunately this is the start of his trip so he is not in the same town.
I am really angry and hurt to think that it is OK to put this on FB knowing that I would see it. Actually I have just checked and she put it on facebook and it has tagged him. I don't know if this is better or worse.

I took the kids to counselling today, they are hurting so badly. Is it a good idea to tell him what they are saying or just deal with all that myself.

Albizia, Sadly, since your H is in the fog, he isn't likely to care too much who is hurting as a result of his actions, even if it's his own children. Think "zombie" like you have already observed. Tell your support system, but there's probably not much of a point in telling him.

I admire your strength and fortitude during your Plan A time. You are giving it everything you have and your children will see that. Lean on your support system.

Albizia,

You are doing incredibily well and I admire you have followed through on exposing and Plan A and just not falling apart.

These next 5 weeks are an opportunity for you.

Time to take care of "you".

Need to lose some weight - go for it since you do not have to cook any meals for WH

Splurge go for a new haircut, color, manicure anything to help build your confidence.

Plan some fun outings with your child. Make it an adventure it will do both of you good.

Make yourself "less available". If WH calls don't answer every call. He figures you are waiting for him, obsessing over him and that is not attractive to a wayward. Act happy, act as if.
Sometimes let your son answer the phone and don't ask to speak to him. Make him wonder why you are happy without his crazy wayward ways.

One night when you know he is going to call, get a babysitter, dress up and go to Barnes and noble and drink coffee for hours. Have the sitter answer the phone you are out for the evening. When he asks where you be vague, "was I not sure I will go and get a cookie now, goodbye"..

This will drive the OW crazy because WH will be bringing up your name all the time in wonder.

Good luck and blessings...

WH called from overseas to say hello to kids and also spoke to me. It was nice and relaxed.
Just checked FB and notices that he has posted "Nice night out .........finished up by talking to the ones I love back in OZ" At first I was excited about that then I say that OW has clicked "like this". Obviously he also talked to her. Should I make a comment on FB saying " Thanks, it was nice to hear from you" or is that too much?

I would put it on there. Let that skank know that he has talked to his wife and family.

Can you change it up to make it sound like a little more personal?

I actually wrote " It was good to hear from you, we miss you. The kids are making you a present for when you get home."

I think that should let her know.

That sounds great, especially mentioning the kids and the present. Good for you, Albizia!

I am trying my hardest to plan A but I am not sure it is working. I have made sure to comment on his pictures on FB, I have been very friendly when he has called to talk to the kids and generally tried to be a good plan A. This morning I noticed that he has changed his status on FB from married to in a relationship. I also went to do some banking on the internet and notice that he has had the statements redirected to a PO box rather than our home.
When is it time for me to either go see a lawyer or move into plan B?

albizia - the time to see a lawyer is NOW! You need to protect yourself and your kids. The redirecting of the bank statements and FB changes are pretty serious.

I am so confused!
I love my husband and I know that what he is doing right now is because he is in a fog but that doesn't stop the pain. Everything he does hurts me so badly. I am trying to do what is right. I am going to see a lawyer but I don't really know what to say. I want to protect the children but I am not sure how. He still claims to love the children and says he wants to be a good dad but his actions say that they are comeing a distant second or third to OW and work.
I really need some good advice.

albizia - FWIW, I feel the same about my wayward wife. I would take her back in a second, with conditions of course. She's still going to do her thing and the day she moves out it's going to hurt. However, she doesn't hurt me as badly any more, because I think I know what's going on with her. I'm a couple of months ahead of you. It will get better, regardless of what happens. You need to gather yourself enough to lay out a timeline and any evidence you have for the lawyer. (write out notes beforehand with approximate dates, etc.) You might want to bring financial information too - how much does your husband make, etc. Your debts, etc.

Right now, the A is #1 and everything else is way down in the order. You're reading that correctly. He's not being a good dad by abandoning his kids and/or divorcring you to find himself or whatever his line is.

I'm not a vet but my suggested steps are:

1 - write out the notes for the lawyer
2 - get an appointment with a lawyer ASAP and meet with him or her!
3 - try to get a little distance between you and him emotionally. You can still plan A, but be a little mysterious.
4 - reassess your situation once you've spoken with the attorney

Try to find a trusted friend that you can talk to and vent when you're mad, sad or frustrated; try not to make it a family member. If you reconcile, it'll be more difficult IMHO.

Ensure you include a clause that your children are never to see or be with the OW and any of her family or friends. Include visitation or stayovers to premises or places she may reside in.

Your WH is in a fog and he is in pure alien mode. I am concerned about changing his address on account.

Go for a consultation with an attorney to protect yourself and kids. This does not mean you have to file or divorce him just to know what your State guidelines are for financial protection. Most consultations are free. Ask first.

Have you heard back from his workplace yet? That bomb should be hitting soon. You are doing all the right things and doing a good Plan A.

Just be a little less "available" to him. Continue to do Plan A but do it in a detached way. When you are available 100%+ he will withdraw more. Have you talked to OWH anymore?

Just breathe. blessings.

Ok. Change right now your FB status to "in a relationship" and confuse the h*ll out of the skank ow!

And DO GO SEE A LAWYER right now. What you want is a bulldog lawyer who will not let the ow or your wh off the hook. You are beginning to understand what the ws/alien analogy is aren't you. YOu cannot ever depend at all that a wayward cheater will ever DO ANYTHING HONORABLY when it comes to money, division of assets, etc, because they're already liars and cheats.

Plus, as my own life experience showed, the ow skank will want more money for her own, as she is going to try to feather her rutting lair with YOUR FAMILY MONIES AND ANY CHILD SUPPORT OWED THE KIDS AND ANY SPOUSAL SUPPORT OWED YOU. Trust me, they are golddiggers even if there isn't much gold there to dig for, they'll go for whatever they can.

Your wh is also realizing that being a cheat is EXPENSIVE, i'd bet. Heck, he has to pay for and keep up TWO HOUSEHOLDS now, one the one he has with ow (the skanky rutting lair) and the other, his family home and wife and kids. Do what I did. Make it EASY for the wayward. Make it where he is DIRECTED BY LAW TO ONLY HAVE TO PAY AND MAKE HIS PRIORITY paying for YOUR HOME, YOUR ALIMONY, AND YOUR KIDS. Keep the $ out of the hands of the ow.

You see, the more miserable and financially depressed you make him, it affects the affair. Not the time to play nice, Albizia. It is time for retribution. YOU go after the enemy of this family, and that would be the affair, and right now you're wayward husband IS that enemy and so is the ow. Your ws is literally behaving like a body snatching, soul-stealing alien right now!

Until his head is out of the affair, he will not ever be your husband again. Until the affair is killed, your husband can never come back. YOU being tough, and seeking the right things (100 percent custody, not allowing the ow to be legally around your kids as it is immoral, securing a good amount of cs and alimony and future) IS YOUR JOB RIGHT NOW.

Odds are this affair will die, but it will die quicker if you act and act wisely NOW. And in the case it doesn't die, then you are being proactive and rational and standing up for yourself and the kids and for their future. Waywards make crappy parents. Horrid parents. Like the Good Book says, "A double minded man IS UNSTABLE IN ALL HIS WAYS."

You do not know how this will play out, so you need to take the swiftest action legally you can. Do not feel sorry for your wayward husband. He didn't when he went from "married" in an instant to "in a relationship". The ow is monitoring his every move. Your job is to secure the finances (as a wayward will actively screw you out of whatever they can financially, even resorting to asking for more custody to not pay as much child support, trust me my crazy xwh did that too), securing the safety of the chilren by securing custody of them and keeping them from the harm of the affair, and finally, bringing the ow to justice.

Since he is screwing with the bank accounts now, I'd get a bulldog and beyond mean attorney and get an emergency hearing for child support and alimony, since he is behaving badly. Also, I'd have that mean attorney SUBPOENA the SKANK OW. You must do it. There must be no rest for the wicked, and no peace in their immoral affair. Trust me, I did that and you must too.

In the end, I did divorce, but you see, forever there is a piece of paper that ANYBODY can access at the courthouse and SEE WHY I got a divorce. There can be no "we didn't get along" or lies like that. My son and my friends and family KNOW WITHOUT A DOUBT I got a divorce b/c my xh and the skank ow, monkeyho, and ms. family values (the affairage ow) all conspired to destroy my marrige. I didn't do that.

You're standing up right now for what is right, for what could be your future and the kids' future, and also, by going into plan B and having this emergency and stern legal action, you are also putting incredible pressure on the affair, and let me tell you, there is NOTHING an other woman or other man hates, than to be FORCED BY LAW to appear on the stand, in public, in front of hundreds of people, some strangers, some maybe not, and be interrogated about their sleazy actions and how they conspire to KILL YOUR MARRIAGE AND FAMILY. They hate that. That my friend, is the ULTIMATE EXPOSURE. And one I take pride that I participated in.

Go and get to work! You've got some work to do. Plus, don't back off, you need right now to empower yourself against this!

Once albizia, you have that lawyer and you've done the leg work getting this ready to go (do it today or tomorrow at latest), then your job after that, waiting for the emergency trial, is to write and send the plan B letter.

Let it fall from the sky like a hammer from above (like Thor). Maybe it would be best to simply let the person who serves your wayward husband with the separation papers and the papers telling him his butt is summoned (along with the skank ow) for an emergency hearing, that he get the plan B letter right then.

He needs to know it is not going down HIS WAY or HER WAY. It goes downt the RIGHT way and you right now, Albizia, are the only one who knows what is right.

Put on the full armor of God right now. You're going to WAR!

The plot thickens.
I decided to take your advice and so I was preparing to go to the lawyer. I thought I should try to work out all the financial stuff to take with me. I should add here that during our marriage I have had nothing to do with the finances and he has done everything. In doing my investigations I have found that we are far greater in dept than I imagined. WH has extra credit cards I didn't know about and all are maxed out. I have to expect that part of his reasoning for leaving is because we have financial problems which he has hidden from me. I have not told him about anything I have discovered and still plan to see a lawyer so that I know exactly where I stand.
I havent spoken to OW husband yet. He rang and left a message saying that he was spending some quality time with his daughter and he would ring me when he was free. I do not wish to pressure him because I need him on my side.
Man I am hurting right now. It just seems that everywhere I look there are more secrets and lies. This is a real stab to the heart.

Albizia,

First BREATHE...

This is common in the wayward when they start to spend wildly living out their fantasties. It is when you give a charge card to a freshman college student and they go nuts with it first semester. Immaturity!

Have you done a credit report on your WH to get the full story on the finances. That is how I found out how much was on the credit cards and what was hidden. I hope someone chimes in with some of the credit report companies that you don't even need a credit card to check.

Good that you did not let your WH know that you know. Hold this information tight. Is the credit cards under his name only?

You can register these cards on line and find out exactly what he is charging. That is what I did with my XH and was shocked on the amount of money he was blowing on OW.

Waywards hide everything they can from BS because they just don't want to deal with reality.

I would advise not telling OWH about the finances just in case he slips and tells OW.

Get to an attorney with all the information you have and protect yourself.

I knwo how painful this is but keep focused on your plan and this will help you protect yourself while he is wayward.

While he is gone, take care of yourself. Eat right, try to sleep and prepare for this battle for when he comes home.

Blessings.

Definitely go to the attorney and get this dealt with now. As it could affect YOUR credit too. You need to get this somehow separated from your credit. Hopefully he didn't put your information on or take out the cards with you as the primary cardholder, like an invite card in the mail to apply for a cc.

Affairs are expensive. My xwh spent money like water. When I was once in court for contempt (he didn't pay cs or the pittance of alimony I did manage to receive. No payment for over five months at the time), my attorney was able to somehow get ahold of his finances. He claimed he couldn't pay or afford child support or alimony to me, BUT he was able to jet the ow out to vegas, spend over 20k that weekend partying like a rock star, 12k on brand new furniture for his affair pad, and sent roses and victoria's secret lingerie to TWO other women.

No wonder he couldn't pay me!

They think like a hormone driven 15 year old with money. He has probably used the cards to finance his affair and double life. Well this needs to be severely and swiftly dealt with to preserve your good name and credit, should you have to ever start over again. Trust me, a wayward can WREAK HAVOC with your credit score. Do not let him!

Wishing you well. Hugs for strength and stick to the plan you're going to be in!

Had a big day today.
I went to the doctor and got some medication to help me sleep and a referal to a good counsellor. I made an appointment with a lawyer and organised it at a time my dad can come with me to help. I have got all our bank statements in some kind of order and have found his tax notice which quotes how much he earnt last year.
After all this I managed to answer his text and say that I will pass on his love to the kids and that I understand how difficult it is for him to call when he is in a different time zone.
He has no idea that I have all this financial information or that I am seeing a lawyer. As far as he is concerned I am just the same loving wife and mother I have always been. Which I suppose I am, but now I have another, angry side.

Albizia, it is God's blessing that he away or maybe he would see your anger and you would get mad and tell him.

This is normal wayward behavior spending money like a rock star or drunken sailor.

What is stellar is that you have this information so you can protect your family.

I admire you kept your cool when you were angry and still Plan A'd him.

Wondering if his job has contacted him since exposure. That will be the next big bomb.

Hello
I have not been on for a few days because I went camping with the kids (trying to have some fun). Since I have ben back a lot has happened. Yesterday I went to see a lawyer and she has given me lots of advice about what to do financially and with the kids. She is putting it all down in writing and sending it to me, which is great because my brain is still slightly out of action.
Today the big bomb landed at his work. He has recieved an email about breach of code of conduct and I have had an abusive phone call and text from him. The text says
" I want to know what the hell you emailed my HR department. Whatever you said truthful or not sh*t will stick. Would you like me to email stuff to you HR department. What is wrong? Cause (OW husband) wouldn't fix it you're now going at me through work!!??"

I am not really sure how to answer this text but if anyone has any suggestions I would be glad to hear them.

Might want to pre-empt his threat to go to your HR dept. At least talk to your immediate supervisor if you can.

Probably empty threats of fog induced babble. But you never know.

Ya done good kid!

My work know all about what is going on. I have done nothing wrong in all this so I do not know what he could possibly say to my HR department.

When is this fog going to clear!

You are not going to answer that email or any calls from him. Do whatever you can to avoid him. Do not let him threaten you, or sick your lawyer on him. They love to dish out nasty letters to waywards. You are in Plan B - simply email it to IM, let them file it for future reference, delete from your records, and stay strong.

Do not let his delusions break you down. You have done nothing wrong. He is doing this to manipulate you. He is doing this because you just destroyed his fantasy. He is doing this because he has been caught.

Breath - stay calm and remember it might feel like your marriage is over. He may even say I am divorcing you and taking the kids. Know you have the evidence, and the law has your back. His words are just delusions, fog babble, nonsense!!!

He will be angry, and you will not know when that anger will subside. There are many situations like yours on these threads, read them if you need to feel strong.

Come here to vent, come here to scream, come here to be scared, and know you are the one in the driver's seat. He is just angry because he may have to be accountable now.


God Bless

He rang me and confronted me. I just admitted that I had sent and email but told him that I had not said anything and his work must be doing their own investigation.
I was in plan A before this. Does this mean I now move into plan B or do I just ignore his outbursts and stay with plan A. I am very confused right now and can only see this ending badly. All the people I talk to everywhere but here are telling me to get rid of him, he is not worth it, move on with your life. I still love my WH and want him back. Does this make me weak?

Do not tell him anything, it is not for you to help him cover his tracks and lie his way out of it. Be he loving wife, have your lawyer protect you, that is your focus. If he calls again change the subject or oops the phone cut off.

Well obviously work has contacted her as well. There was a message on his FB from her basically saying "say nothing". I tell you the use of the word Babe by both of them makes me want to vomit.
I resisted writing a comment as I know it wouldn't achieve anything except making me feel better in the short term.

The anger is starting to build up in me right now. I keep waking up in the middle of the night and thinking of nasty things I could say or do. I haven't acted on anything because I know that is not the right thing to do, but it really is tempting sometimes.

They anger means he is still controlling you.

Take a step back and remind yourself:

1) I have integrity ... I stand for truth
2) I have honor ... I do the right thing
3) I have destiny ... My heritage will stand with time
4) I have morals ... I do not harm those around me
5) I have strength ... I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!

Stay positive and focused. Allow your anger to come and cry when you need. Remember you have no part in his affair or the consequences that arise. Unfortunately, since you are one flesh you will feel the pain of the consequences, but you own none of it.

A real man either divorces his wife first or stays and works on the marriage ... he is not a man but a boy today!

albizia,

Let him be mad, angry, yell, scream...not your problem. Let him deal with the consequences of his actions. Did you send "proof" of the affair or any documents?

Stay in Plan A for now. If he pushes you about the work situation say "you are committed to saving your M."...end of discussion. Start to talk about the kids, anything else or say you have to go.

Repeat as often as required and change direction of conversation.

Blessings. You are on the right path.

Any news?

Albizia,

HE IS DEALING WITH FALLOUT FROM HIS ACTIONS. So is the posow. Tell him to be angry with himself if he doesn't like reality. Tell him to blame himself and the ow.

It is HIS fault. Of course they'll come down hard on them. What did he expect you to do? ENABLE him to continue the affair? Did he think you were that dumb? YES! All waywards use that coercion and threats to try to quiet down their partners and anybody who knows their dark, SHAMEFUL SECRET. They try to make us feel dumb. BUT WE'RE NOT.

They try to keep us quiet. They try to gaslight you, lie to your face, swear on their kids' lives they aren't lying...but THEY LIE.

You let this man, this shell of a man FACE THE MUSIC. Let the ow face the music. Let reality crash down around them both and if he in any way threatens you at all via email or voicemail, sic the lawyer on him and get a restraining order and use it also as another way to get full custody as he's "dangerous and delusional" as he is threatening to you because he is paranoid of who knows he is having an illicit and tawdry affair in the workplace with another coworker.

This is actually GREAT news Albizia that he is angry and that the work is coming down hard on them! This is great

Now stay away and dark. Do not let YOUR presence be the unifying factor between them. Let the struggle and the shame and the blame game begin and LET THEM TURN ON EACH OTHER. YOU stay out of everything. It's not about you. THEY DID THIS.

Let the affairees turn on each other as their jobs become in jeopardy. If you're not around to unify against, argue against, blame against, then it's just each other. Fun huh?

I say they DESERVE each other right now. trust me Albizia. Affairville today for them is not a fun place. I hope it's pure he77 in fact! Bet it is (evil grin)

I just read your thread...what is your attorney doing? Have you found out any more about your credit/finances...has he been using credit cards with your name on them? Is there a way you can protect what little is left of your bank accounts...move $ into an account in your name? I'm thinking if he suddenly cuts off money supply...is your attorney drawing up papers to require him to pay child support and alimony right away?

You have done everything right, I am so proud of you! God is with you and you have nothing to fear. Just keep doing the right thing and it will all pan out.

The legal stuff is a bit different over in Oz. Nothing can be done about custody untill there is a mediation between the parties. The law will not give full custody to one partner unless there is a danger to the children. My lawyer has advised me to sit tight and wait untill he organises the mediation and just keep being the best mum I can. She has also said that since some of the depts were made on family expenses and while we were together they will have to be shared. She has told me that any depts I did not know about should be his and she would argue that in court. I am opening my own bank account and having my pay put in there. At the moment he is still paying the mortgage out of his pay so I do not want to take any more money from him in case he stops, which would mean having to sell the house as I can't afford it.
I need some advice about what to do with his stuff. At the moment he is still overseas and does not have anywhere else to live so all his stuff is still here. Should I be packing up his clothes and stuff or just leaving them in the wardrobe?

Albizia, I just read through your thread and I just wanted to tell you how impressed with how well you've done.

How long you stay in Plan A depends on you and how you can handle it. Since he is out of town, it may be a little easier for you to stay in Plan A as opposed to having him around all the time right now.

My vote is that you stay in Plan A for a bit if you can. When he calls and rants and raves, you stick with your mantra that I am doing what is necessary for our family. How's the weather over there? Usually we advise you to offer him a cookie but since he's not there, nice friendly conversation will have to do.

Keep posting loving updates on his FB. If OW is posting comments on his page, you have a good opportunity to let her "friends" know what's really going on. Read up on FB exposure. Expect to be blocked sooner or later by your WH and by OW. That's why you should get your FB exposure done sooner than later.

Good job on protecting yourself financially. This is part of getting ready for Plan B. Have you read up on that? You will need to write a Plan B letter, do some searches for that. Anything short of a proper Plan B can be damaging. I also suggest that you read up on Scotty's thread. Plan B is not meant to "save your marriage", it is meant to give you some relief from the drama and pain and start to heal. The darker the better.

The point is to do a fantastic Plan A that will show him that you are willing to meet his EN if he will end contact with OW. Then when you go to Plan B, it is sudden and unexpected. He won't know what hit him and he'll have to resort to OW to get his EN met. In the meantime, you will be protected and out of the drama (if you do it right). You'll need an intermediary, etc. But let's focus on your Plan A right now. You have time before you go to Plan B.

I'm going to put a call out for some help for you.

Oh, and remember to breathe. Take good care of yourself. I know it's hard to even think right now and it seems like you'll never run out of tears. Thank heavens you found MB to help you get through this.

(((Albizia)))

Agree with PM...

You have been in Plan A for about a month now, is that right? You need to start lining up your Plan B NOW so that you will be ready to go dark as soon as you need to:
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1642447

Start writing your PBletter. Do you have an IM? Once you get one, we will post the IM training guide for you to give to them.

Hang in there!

albizia, did you expose to the OW's family and friends on facebook?

I let her husband know but he has not contacted me since. I did not expose on FB because they don't seem to be hiding anything so I wasn't sure it was worth it. As far as they are concerned he is seperated and in a lovely new relationship.
I will read about plan B and start preparing.
Thanks

I would most definitely expose to her friends and family on facebook so they know the truth. You most certainly should not allow their lies to stand. All they know are the lies that have been told by that skank and your WS. THAT is why they are so flagrant. They have been allowed to sham all her family and friends. Imagine how her family would feel if they found out she is shagging a married man? This is a very important exposure, albizia that you can't afford to miss.

I would make a copy of her friends and family and paste this list into a WORD doc. Change your picture to one of you and your husband. Make pictures of you and your children and husband public so they all can see this.

Then send them a PRIVATE message that goes something like this: [space it 60 seconds apart so you don't get shut down for flooding]

Dear friend of Skankyhola,

It is with great regret that I send this letter but I believe all of her friends should be aware that Skanky is having an affair with my husband, Joe. We have been married for 5 years and have 3 heartbroken children. They have been having this affair since October according to the evidence.

I would be happy to provide the evidence to anyone who asks.

I would ask that you use your influence with Skanky to persuade her to leave my husband alone. You should also watch your own husbands around her because she is no friend to marriage.

I would appreciate it if someone would notify her parents and ask them to call me at xxx-www-xxxx.

Thank you, BW

Your silence serves to enable their lies. Don't enable them!

I am incredibly unsure about any more exposure. I thought about sending a message to some of his friends on facebook which says:
"As a friend of WH you would have noticed that he has changed his staus from "married" to "in a relationship". To clarrify this, what he actually means is "still married but choosing to destroy his family and hurt everyone close to him by having an affair with OW"."

What do people think?

I think that is weak and ineffective. And comes across as someone who is not very serious. The OW is being ALLOWED to take over your rightful place as his wife because of your silence. Why would you allow that when a simple message to the OW's friends and family would change this whole game?

By exposing the affair to the OW's family and friends, you ruin the future of her affair. Why would you not want to do that?

This is a *HUGE* missed opportunity and I can't see going into Plan B unless you have done a thorough job of exposing this affair.

Are you going to name OW? You might also ask them to use their influence with WH to help you fight for your family.

What about exposing to OW's friends?

There is actually a FB exposure letter here for exposing to OW's friends.

If you do this be prepared for people to respond differently. Some may ignore you, some may respond and tell you to get a life, but some may actually end up supporting you.

The point is to let people know what's going on and once you've messaged them, you've done that. So I would drop the phrase "to clarify this, what he actually means" (to me, that sounds a little sarcastic). It would be best to follow the suggested format for the FB exposure.

ETA: I type too slow! I see that ML beat me to it.

I don't understand why she hasn't exposed to the OW's family but is already talking about Plan B.

Albizia, you really can't afford to forgo one of the most potent exposures. Exposing to the OW's friends, PARENTS and family is one of the most impactful exposures. In this case, the OW is getting divorced so you don't have her H to bring any pressure. But PARENTS can bring enormous pressure. We have had parents actually intervene and stop affairs.

If I were the OW's parents, I would tell them that your cheater H would NEVER be allowed to darken my doorstep. Her parents may very well intervene.

This is a HUGE missed opportunity.

I think someone up-thread suggested she go to Plan B immediately. I agree about the exposure!

Well I have posted on his wall and I have sent a message to people who I think are her family. I hope this does not backfire.

That is great! How would this backfire, albizia?

Did you send messages to her parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles? Her parents will be the most important exposures. Now, no one is going to see anything you post on his wall, so I would instead, send messages to anyone who is key in his life that has not been told BY YOU about the affair.

I hope the FB stuff has had some effect. I went on to check my FB and notice that WH has removed himself from my friend list. Before he did this I went on to her FB and sent the MB letter to a few of her friends who looked like they were family types. I guess I sit back now and let things happen.
At least when people ask me what I did to save my marriage I can say I did everything I could.

I am really scared I have done the wrong thing.
My father rang me and told me that WH has called him and said that OW want to sue me for being liable and get the police involved to stop me sending messages. I really hope sending out messages on FB has not given them anything they can use against me.
God I don't want to do anything wrong here I am just trying to do it right.

I know that you are in a different legal jurisdiction from most people here (and I am in the UK, so I am different too) but I doubt whether the messages you have already sent can be illegal. it is not illegal to send messages to people on Facebook - that is what it is for. I doubt that you have said anything that is libellous, either. Generally, throughout the world, libel does not exist where the allegations are true.

I have heard of the police calling on someone and saying that if there were any more messages, they would take action, as a complaint had been logged. I believe that was here in the UK. I will try to find the thread and bump it, but I can't remember who the poster was, so it will take a while. But as I remember it, this was nothing to do with Facebook. It was a BH trying to send messages to OMW and constantly being blocked by OM. He tried various different email addresses, and kept getting the message that OMW had received the message and did not want to hear more about the affair. He suspected that it was actually OM sending this reply, and he kept trying. Eventually the police paid him a visit saying he had been asked to stop and hr must stop, or be arrested.

My point is that you probably have not broken the law YET, and there is nothing that you can be charged with. If the police contact you and say that they will charge you for further action, then take legal advice, or simply stop.

You have done some effective exposure now. I haven't read the whole thread, but if you have reached the key people, your job on Facebook is done.

Don't be intimidated by the threats of WH and OW. If you are contacted by the police, ask them what offence they would charge you with. Do not allow anybody to intimidate you with threats.

Don't panic , you told the truth and if she takes you to court she will have to admit her infidelity in a court of law and it goes on public record.

If your father calls again tell him you told the truth she is the one that should be scared. She is angry because you have exposed her deceit and it is unpleasant for her.

Your husband is trying threatening and bully tactics , standard script for a wayward when exposed, hopefully he is angry as hell , it's called you being honest , him being dishonest and reaping the consequences.

What will annoy your husband and the OW is they will not know how widespread your messages went. They will be scuttling around and muttering to each other.

Do not tell him or anyone else how many you messaged.

I think it sounds snarky and will earn you a couple of embarrassed giggles from voyeuristic FBers. You will get no action from this type of salvo.

When the OP is threatening harassment, that is GOOD thing!
That means you have delivered a huge blow to the A!!!

Don't worry ~ she is trying to scare you because waywards HATE being exposed. You didn't do anything wrong, it's not libel when it's the truth!

That is wonderful! This means you have hit the mark!! Don't let up. Finish your exposures! Don't you dare allow that brazen ho scare you into silence.

And you just tell your dad that if its legal for the OW to shag your husband, it is legal for you to tell everyone about it! You are not the one who has done anything wrong. It is not illegal to tell the truth. Tell him to call that old wh*re and invite her to call the police and see how far she gets reporting you for telling the truth. The TRUTH is a defense for slander.

Albizia, did you get to the OW's PARENTS? That is where I would focus. You want to get to her parents and closest family members.

Additionally, have you exposed to all of your H's friends? Does his family have the full and correct story FROM YOU or do they have lies from the affairees?

I think I have finished exposing to everyone. I haven't spoken to OW's parents because I don't know who they are. I did use the message like the one suggested here which asked anyone who knew her parents to have them contact me and my number.
My husbands family know everything and are fully on my side, they have tried but can not get through to him (he is very stubborn when he thinks he is right).
I got an email from WH today which says:

"I don't know what you at are trying to achieve but I have a good idea.

What your are doing to OW is wrong. This is not you. You need to stop sending those emails and you need to get an apology out to everyone you sent one to right now.

You are going to lose everything at this rate. "

I am not sure if I should respond to this or not.
What do you think?

Don't respond he is trying to intimidate you.

The balance is shifting he and his OW are not happy bunnies.

Agree with Xau. This is all very positive, the fact that his family has confronted him, that he wrote you that email and that the OW wants the emails to stop Hang in there!

Oh, dear. I'm sure she's kind to children and small animals, and actually makes donations to the organizations that send her free return address labels.

WHAT ABOUT WHAT SHE IS DOING TO YOU???

Let that go. He is a foggy wayward. You'll get that. Don't let his threats deter you.

HE just rang and pleaded with me to stop. Saying this is not me, and this will not get him back. I told him I was doing what is best for my family and he just sighed and said he can see that this is getting us nowhere.
He asked how the kids were, so I told him. I said DS is sad, angry and misses his father. He asked if he should come home from his trip. I said in my opinion he should never have gone but not to worry I will look after the children.
Since I am still in plan A at the moment I am wondering if this is a good time to send him an email about our finances. I want to say that I understand he was under a lot of pressure trying to manage the finances and keep his family while managing a large dept. I am now trying to sort out some of that dept but in order to do it properly I need all the up to date information about what we owe and where. Could he please let me know any more details so that I can do something about it.

Do you think now is the right time for this?

Albiza, as you can see, your exposures were very effective so you should not stop. You have hit a nerve. Did you contact her parents? Have you contacted anyone and everyone of importance on her side? They are very scared that you will mess up their affair AND IT IS YOUR JOB TO MESS UP THAT AFFAIR IF YOU WANT SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE.

Don't stop now! You need to get her parents on the phone and ask them to use their influence to persuade her to end her affair. Right now the affairees are trying their best to spin the story - you need to STOP them from doing that.

And I would ENCOURAGE the OW to call the police on you. What a dumb broad.... Only an idiot would imagine that the police would stop someone from telling the truth about them. Call your H and tell him to ENCOURAGE the OW to call the police. See how far that skank gets.

Blessings

Well it appears that OW has closed down her FB account after I sent out a few messages.
I am not so scared anymore, after talking to my sister last night and reading the messages on here. I realise that I have not done anything wrong and certainly nothing illegal. I don't think there is anything more I can do as far as exposure since I do not know who her family are or how to contact them.
I guess I just sit tight for now.

that is a typical response to shut it down. The damage is done and now you sit tight.

Anymore on the work situation exposure?

Blessings.

Bravo Albi!! Your exposure was great and their responses to it were textbook. You're right, you didn't do anything wrong or illegal. If people don't want to hear from you, they will block you now. So what? The word is out.

Oh, and good luck to her getting an attorney to back her if she tries to sue you. That is laughable. I think about the only attorney that would share her indignation is one who is also wayward, they tend to stick together. At least it would give the people at the courthouse a good laugh. I've worked for a very large law firm for many years and I can pretty much say with conviction that NONE of the attorneys I work for would think of pursuing a ridiculous claim like this. Sheesh.

I agree about the finances, I would try to find out as much as you can on your own without input from WH if at all possible.

As far as I know the work thing is over. Work did say they would investigate but I think it was found that they had nothing to answer. I figured this would be the case but at least it has been made known at work and they both know I exposed it.
I will sit tight for now.
Thanks

When my wife exposed my affair.....

I was FURIOUS!

I had moved out and expected her to do exactly what I wanted.....

What did I want?

I wanted her to play nice.
I wanted her to just accept my affair quietly..

She decided to fight for our marriage...

I was SO MAD!

I did retaliate in subtle ways and told her she was just being SOOO MEAN!

Such a terrible wife I had, being honest about my adultery and telling others the truth, HOW DARE HER.... (I'm just adding my sarcastic humor in here)

I was such an idiot!

ALL waywards are idiots!

I was wayward for 8 months, moved out, came home, moved out again, crawled home and asked for another chance.....
My wife said no, I'd done too much damage.... but by God's Grace He changed both of our hearts and we have a recovered marriage today...

Exposure didn't hurt our recovery chances!
The lies and the affair are what hurt our marriage....

Don't get caught up in his or the OW's fog babble, OK!



From a former waywards perspective.....

I'm here to tell you.....

You did GREAT!

Thankyou

You give me hope.

I completely understand, my husband has always been a faithful loyal and reliable man... and now this. He used to care deeply about the kids and me, until he got so Foggy....

Oooh exposure.... well you already made them mad, I say message a bunch more people.... might as well, they can't get MORE angry, but they can be more uncomfortable in their affair... and yes my lawyer friend said that the truth is the defense to slander. If it is the truth you will not get in trouble.

my husband's other woman shut down her facebook after I messaged her friends/family too!

Ooooh tell me more... was she on MB and did she follow the MB Plan A/Plan B?

Yes, she did. Her name is sexymamabear.

*** LINK *** to SexyMamaBear (very early thread)

Exposure and anger is GREAT! It means they on some level, care what others think of their skanky deeds. Not giving a care would bother me more.

My xwh was angry at his clients finding out, as they were the only ones who even CARED that he was cheating. His parents didn't care. His sister didn't care. His business partner didn't care. WHY? They ALL HAD BEEN ADULTEROUS at one time or another so I didn't get much bang for the buck. However exposing the OTHER WOMAN got a TON OF BANG FOR THE BUCK!

She was the only one who responded to exposure.

So go for it and keep on going for it! Just remember, anger is good. It will subside. Anger and love aren't that far apart, as you see, for somebody to have such strong feelings of anger for you, they have to be somewhat emotionally invested in you. Remember that. Opposite is total apathy.

So you re expose, if needed, or continue to ask for support from the ONES WHO PUT THE MOST PRESSURE ON THE AFFAIR and also ones of higher position who can threaten their happyho filth coccoon.

Anger is good. Apathy would be scary.

My FWH was so angry, then worried, then angry. Then he called me controlling. Then he wanted me to recant my exposure and tell the OW I had made it all up, and we weren't married.

He got over it. He's embarrassed that he ever said or did any of that, and he has thanked me for fighting for him now.

But at the time, the words "madder" "than" and "wet hen" would have been appropriate.

You did great, great, GREAT! I know it's very scary but don't be afraid - after I exposed her affair my FWW threatened to stab me in the face while I was sleeping. Waywards are complete IDIOTS and will say the most outrageous stuff imaginable.

You have shattered the fantasy image they have created about how they will run off together and everyone in their life will celebrate their "love". This is one of the best things you could have done. Bravo!

At first, MB advise seems (to some) "Way out there".


Few if any other marriage crisis sites/books/ advise the system that is taught and supported here.
You will find it really helps you make a plan to recover your M.

The best plan out there.

I am not sure if he is just angry or if I really do have no chance. I got a text today which says:

"There is something wrong with you. I am not coming back to you. No matter what you do it's not going to happen. It's over. Get it through your head!!!!!"

Obviously I have not bothered to answer this. What is my next move?

OK things are getting nasty.

I have had an email from someone at (leavepeoplealone@hotmail.com) I have had an email from him saying that I am making myself look unstable and if I think he won't be going for custody I am wrong. I have just now had a phonecall from a friend of OW who is a detective with the police telling me to stop the harrassment, it is against the law. She called it deformation of character. If anyone has any expertise I would appreciate the help. The message I sent was this:



Dear friend of OW,

It is with great regret that I send this letter but I believe all of her friends should be aware that OW is having an affair with my husband, H. We have been married for 10 years and have 2 heartbroken children.

I would ask that you use your influence with OW to persuade her to leave my husband alone. You should also watch your own husbands around her because she is no friend to marriage.

I would appreciate it if someone would notify her parents and ask them to call me at xxxxxxxx.

Thank you,
BW


The detective seemed to think that because I had said you need to watch your own husbands around her that I was breaking the law.
Please help.
.

I would ignore them, they are trying everything in the book to scare you, if the detective friend calls again ask for her details, name , rank, force number, station and senior officer, if she declines or asks say you have no proof of who she is and your lawyer will have a different view.

Do not debate or discuss your note with anyone, your husband and the OW are trying to shut you down and have you run scared.

As for the mail you have a choice in your mail to report it as spam , do so.

Do not be afraid this is a concerted bully tactic from the OW and your husband, keep a journal of all details including what you have of the OW's friend . A police officer is not there to intimidate you on behalf of a friend I have no doubt her senior will not be amused.

I do not believe that this "police officer" is real. Did she introduce her by name? Can you check her background?

If she really checks out you should inform your lawyer about her actions immediately and ask his advice.

The police officer did introduce herslef by name but unfortunately I was unprepared and I did not write it down.
She told me that putting private information on a public forum like that was deformation of character. I told her that I had only told the truth and that my legal advice was different to hers.

The correct term is "defamation" of character.

You cannot defame somebody if what you are saying is true.

In the UK, defamation is a civil offence, which means that the police will not become involved. The police only get involved in criminal offences here. This means that the "defamed" person must bring a private action against you. If the same is true in your state in the US, then this police officer has no right to tell you what to do. This is the OW trying to frighten you.

Remember what someone said: If OW brings an action against you, she would have to appear in court and answer questions about her affair with your H. She does not want to do that.

A jury would also have to decide whether what you said was defamatory. Having heard about the affair, I doubt that any jury would rule in her favour.

Are you able to do a check on the call logs and track her number? If so record it for future use.

Well I think I am now entering plan B. WH rang tonight and totally abused me and threatened to take me to court and get custody of the children because what I am doing shows that I am mentally unstable. I did say a few things I probably should not have because he really upset me and took me off guard. In the end I told him that I wanted him to stop contacting me either by phone, email or text. I guess this means I have already started plan B, but now I need to get into it fully. I will read over the plan B thing again but any tips would be much appreciated.

SugarCane thanks for your insight. I am actually in Australia but I think our laws are fairly similar. Now that he is threatening to fight for custody I will be going back to see my lawyer and I will run all this past her.

Xau. Her number comes up as private on the call log. I am checking who I sent messages to on FB and seeing if any of them have police as their profession but I have a feeling it will not be there.

I tried to imagine your WH explaining to judge that he was having an affair and since you sent a message about that to everyone it makes you unstable. I have to say that it would be totally UNREAL situation and it is hard to imagine other reaction from judge than laughter.

Their affair got a huge blow by your exposure and therefore, the anger is also huge.

I do not know whether you should go plan B because I do not have experience but this thread might be useful for you:

How to Plan B correctly

I would lawyer up properly and prepare to fight for your children, write down what was said. Make the seperation legal and have the lawyer insert a condition that the children must never meet of see the OW.

Going forward have a VAR ready, if he calls and if you answer let him know he is being recorded , do not enter into any fights with him , he is angry and threatening as his affair is out on the open.

I think as his reaction is fairly extreme and his OW is involving other people the exposure is working and is affecting them, they will slander you , ensure you keep your Facebook page updated with nice family pics for all to see.

I do not know about Oz but for me, the fact that this "police" calls from secret phone number makes the whole thing as a scam or at least this officer did not dare to call from official number.

Xau I'm sorry but I don't understand VAR. Could you please explain.

recon6mo, I agree I think she called from her own private phone. She said she was a friend of OW and OW had asked her for legal advice. I'm not sure why that meant calling me.

A voice-activated recorder.

A small digital recording device that you can keep in your pocket.

You still did a good job exposing. You really hit the mark. I do not think your statement is going to cause you grief.

You have to stop the destructive conversations/fighting with your WH.

right now.

Plan A is designed to give the WS a positive thing to remember from you (and what your life together can be.). Then plan B hits like a stone. It is not a punishment or a way to end an argument

Now, the more you fight, name call and defend yourself against being "unstable" - you are NOT going into plan B right.

Plan b is NOT a "Never, ever, ever, ever talk to me again!" type of statement.
It is a plan to diesngage yourself from the daily LB WD's that you are doing now, fighting with your WH.
You need to be preparred/have a plan for;

Finances
IM (to communicate thru - a neutral)
Plan B letter
and you have to be emotionally ready to STOP FIGHTING with him.

I don't want to fight with him at all. I don't really want to stop being in plan A, but I don't know how to do it.

When he called he was angry and even when I said I don't want to talk about this he would not stop. I try saying I am working for our marriage and he said "I am never coming back! Get it through your head! What are you thinking!"

I guess I have run out of comebacks without arguing with him.

I know I am not organised for plan B and that I am not entering it well but I don't know what else to do. I have already told him to stop contacting me. Do I continue plan A and contact him or do I prepare for plan B?

Help?

At the moment be is angry, his affair bubble has popped. Anyone who has been exposed to will know he is committing adultery, he cannot gaslight you without them knowing he is lying, no matter how angry or threatening he gets nothing will change the truth.

Plan A does not say take his verbal abuse , if he continues to do this tell him when he stops his verbal tirade you will talk to him, do not wait for his response and put the phone down or walk away. Buy that VAR it is to protect you from his threats.

For the moment sit back knowing that with every passing minute they are desperately trying to do damage control and know their lies are being exposed the more they try to cover up the more damage they do to themselves.

I suspect your husband has been planning a future with the OW and may have told her untruths about you, standard for affair people. This exposure has caused her to question him and place him under pressure hence his comments to you.

Imagine the love busting happening between them, she already know he is capable of lying and cheating and will have this rather big red flag waving on front of her and her reputation is now open to discussion amongs those who you exposed to plus others she shared this with.

I am such an idiot. When he rang he accused me of sending two more messages this morning and even stated the time. I thought wow these people must be ringing straight away. How could I not ralise that he is logging on and looking at my FB. Now I have worked it out I have changed the password. I guess I am just too trusting and never thought of doing that earlier.

Albizia,

I am sorry you are having to go through all this heartache. Your husband is being mean right now. He is angry because of the exposure and that is a good thing, he and his OW are not having to be accountable........
So Exposure did work. I think the rest of the stuff you received was just them trying to scare you off..........they are trying to get you to stop showing them for what they are, they are using the filing for full custody as a threat. Don't pay any attention.
You need to go to your lawyer and show him and tell him about the threats.
Then you need to make sure you are taken care of financially. Make sure the children are looked after and protected........I would send him a Plan B letter and then ask him that all info should be done between the lawyers or find a IM that can act as a go between for information and maybe the children being passed back and forth for vistation.......
I would change you phone # and email address...........or block them........you cannot talk to him, see him or give him any outlet to justify his behavior by blaming you, if he can't speak to you who will he blame.......
He will have to become accountable and the OW will have to meet all his needs, just sit back quietly and watch that all fall apart, reality is a whole different story than fantasy.............
They will be fighting in no time..........
This is really early in the process, but I think since he has already moved out you might be able to recovery this more quickly than some.
Most of the time the BS's go months before the realization that the affair isn't what the ws thought is was going to be..
Yours is out and once he starts to miss the life he had he will start the process of understanding the fling isn't as important as his family.
You need to go Dark Plan B, work on yourself, be a great mom, always look good, smell good......and just live a happy life............the best revenge is living a better life than the one you had with him.........
He will catch up eventually. he needs to see a strong, confident woman.
Patience is key here and with any fight/war you need a strong plan of attack.....
Post here for help each step of the way, come here and vent.......come here for support, we have all been in your shoes.........
we understand and are willing to help
jessi

Check he has not sent out messages in your name, while you are at it send out a few more , rock their affair world.

Change the password on the mail address in case he has that as well,Facebook mails a password change to the mail address you registered with.

Hey Albi. Sorry this is happening, but a few things need YOU have to do now to deal with the wayward and toxic ow.

1)make appt to see lawyer asap. bring all the financial docs,whatever proof of the ema you have, and also the fake email and the time/stamp of the phone call from the "officer".
2)You are being GASLIGHTED and lied to by this man and ow. Please do not take the bait. It is because they don't enjoy the newfound "attention" they got as a result from THEIR OWN BAD BEHAVIORS.
3)I would walk into the office and get the sep agreement drafted right away. YOU now file on grounds of adultery, mental cruelty, and abandonment and FOR FULL CUSTODY of the kids. You also take out an ro on the ow, as she is having so called "friens" of hers hunt you down since she doesn't like hearing the truth being told. You have NOTHING to worry about. Telling the truth is fine.
4)the "officer" needs to be found. I think you and attny need to make a house call to the head of the local police to find out if there is any so called officer which might be illegally USING their badge to harass somebody who is innocent. After all, what is illegal about spreading the truth around? If there is any officer, it IS illegal to harass or threaten somebody esp since there isn't any precedence in any state about telling the truth. It's not defamation of character, if the person IS DOING THAT VERY THING they're accused of doing ok? This sounds straight outta my xwh' playbook.

Once my xwh even pretended himself to be a police officer, calling a friend of mine, a doctor in a neighboring state, to find out where I'd been over the weekend, to try to paint me in a negative light for our custody battle. Do not ever ever be surprised what a desperate and frightened wayward (especially if you've exposed and have the goods on them)will do to try to gain control of the out of control situation THEY placed themselves in. My xwh found out that I'd visited my family with my son for the weekend. But this would not be the first time fake calls or letters or threats come from waywards. Again, they're evil and desperate.

Get on it now as this is the time to strike. Take care of the legal aspects, secure an emergency hearing, and take care of you and the kids. Make it clear and known that YOU are not to be lied to, gaslighted, or threatened at all by him! Go very very dark. Once legalities and an emergency hearing is secured, then draft the plan B letter. Call out to Brit's Brat to get her thoughts on things, as she's legally inclined.

There is NOTHING wrong with what you did. There is PLENTY wrong and even illegal with what the wh and his ow did. Harassing and THREATENING you is against the law. And the so called officer may lose her job if she did a favor for a "friend" and used her badge or position to threaten or coerce you into fear or silence.

Time for action. Don't be afraid. Be afraid NOT TO react. Time to do the right things.

Mb says plan A as long as your love bank can sustain the "hits".
When YOU feel you can no longer tolerate plan a ( your Love bank gets too empty to go on longer.)
You put plan B into effect like a dropping stone.
Plan B is for YOU

To protect you from A details.
To protect what is left of YOUR LB.
and to show WS what life is really, really going to be like without you in the picture, (kinda destroys the fairytail)

>knock, knock, knock<
WS; "who's there?!"
"The reality fairy. We have an appointment."

albizia,
You are doing great. Of course he is going to go toxic on you. He did not like his fantasy cage rattled.

If a "detective" called it is false. How random. A true detective or officer would be knocking on your door.

I would try to stay in Plan A. Let WH call you and not answer the next few times or let the kids pick up.

Confuse him. Then go back being nice wife. If he starts screaming say it was great talking to you I have cookies in the oven. Disengage. You can't reason with a wayward or a lunatic

The OW is on the defense. She is trying to do damage control. Too late.

Get to the attorney with what you have.

Blessings.

Well I am trying to stay in plan A but I am preparing for plan B. Every time he yells or sends nasty messages it breaks my heart a bit more. I thought it was already shattered and no more damage could be done but it seems the pain is endless.
I am planning to take some photos of the kids and I doing some fun stuff this weekend and send it to him with a nice message. That should let him know that I am happy to communicate just not to be abused or threatened any more. I am also going back to the lawyer so that I am prepared just in case he does carry through any of his threats.
In Australia you can not file for divorce untill you have been through mediation and have been seperated for a year. I figure the best thing for me to do is just prepare for the worst and hope for the best.
I have started a diary and have kept all the messaged he has sent. I have changed my password on FB and put a password on my email account so he can't check it. I am not sending any more messages but he doesn't need to know that.
I pray now for strength to see this through.

albizia, I would make plans to go into Plan B real soon here. Women are only supposed to stay in Plan A for about 3 to 4 weeks. Staying in Plan A longer does not help your situation at all. It only wears you down more and does nothing to attract him back.

Do you have a Plan B letter worked up yet? Are you familiar with Plan B? Do you have an intermediary lined up yet?

Yes I wouldn't send him pictures or cookies or anything else, just a Plan B letter. There are samples on this site. Write up yours and post it here to have the vets check over and make suggestions before giving it to him.

I am having a bit of trouble with the plan B letter. I know you have said there are samples on this site but I am having trouble finding them. Could someone please give me directions.

Thanks

Tweak to fit your sitch:

From SAA:

Thanks for the help. I am in the process of writing the letter and working out an IM and when he can contact the children. I have found a new psychologist who really seems to understand, she even said WH is living in a fantasy world right now. She also said that although it was likely that this fantasy world would come crashing down one day, it could be a long time. Especially since he is not living with OW or even in the same town, it is easy to continue a relationship when they don't have to deal with the realities of every day life. She also suspects that WH had problems before the affair, looking at financial situation this may have been gambling. I am not sure as so much is still hidden from me.
Plan B is going to have to be very dark as he does not listen to reason. After I asked him not to contact me because it was upsetting, he sent an email saying he could respect that as long as I stopped harrassing him and OW (exposure). He then rang at 7:30am to talk to the children. Obviously he has a lot of respect for my wishes. Anyway I am just finalising arrangements for plan Band then I will post my letter for comment.

Thanks all.

Good work! You are going to see that Plan B really is for you.
{{{AlB}}}

If he's going to harass you with phone calls you might want to get your number changed. If he has something important to convey with regards to the children he can use an intermediary. He needs to learn there's a consequence for his actions and part of it is losing benefits to which he is not necessarily entitled (like talking to his kids whenever he wants).

Agree w/that. However Kay, it is important to know that there has to be a way to have quick communication (use the IM) between parents, in case of an emergency. Trust me, my xwh tried to use that one against me, saying that it was hard for him to even reach me (I'd changed my number and did'nt tell him) and that he had to call a 3rd party to even find out where I was.

This is why I simply believe putting the ws on silence is best. That way you don't hear their calls, but can say you received a call if need be, and if it is important, then the IM reaches you.

My brief IM was a neighbor who was really sweet. She would call me all the time w/his issues. However, the only point when I got into court was he tried to hammer that part of plan B on me. So I think that yes, you can receive the calls, and if you want your IM to listen to your messages, you can give them your password too. Plus if he wishes to talk to his kids, you can know (courtesy of IM) when he is to call, and put the kids on the phone if you want to at a designated time, without ever having to hear the waywards' voice.

When i did that, he shut up (went back to my old cell number). But I never heard his rants, his rages, or his stupid silly wayward notions or ideas. They were all filtered out.

I hear what you're saying and concur. However, just one question: How accessible was HE when he was fogged out and playing around? Could SHE reach HIM at all moments???

Why - I am curious of your thoughts here?

That is what I am saying. He probably wasn't. And she won't be accessible all the time, but her IM can help her with that. Not having a number that the other parent knows or an address the other parent knows will not look good to the judge. And we have to always give that IMPRESSION to the judges.

My lawyers made me look like Mother Teresa. But we had a reason for everything we would do, and a way to handle things. And any even slight or minor infraction in keeping our agreement, would go as a note into my "wf" wayward file on my computer. It was quite instrumental in me getting full custody and beating initially, a guy who had 10x more $ than I did. I had facts. And I made sure I seemed to always (to the judge only) play by the complete rules.

You simply have to make the IMPRESSION to the judge that you are the best coparent ever!

Look, I am a bit jaded on this kind of subject right now, b/c a good friend of mine (her son is a friend of my son) who is happily re-married with a horrid wayward xh. She ended up taking him to court for non payment of cs for over a year. HE (the vile x wayward) ended up getting MORE custody because he showed some half way proof that she was not making her son accessible to her x, and he had to actually pay her MORE cs, but she lost some custody time. Her son has to go for a month to stay with him beginning on wed (my friend has been crying
her eyes out) and now every other weekend. For a measley $150 a month more than he was supposed to be paying her, but of course didn't.

Some judges think that maybe sometimes guys get a raw deal and unless the sheer vileness of the wayward is in full play of the courtroom, they might go soft on the wayward. So, APPEAR to play nice.

OK So my plan is I leave all numbers the same and set a time when WH can call kids. I then say that if he needs to contact me or them at any other time it has to go through IM. The kids are able to contact him so if they want to speak to him there are still lines of communication, it just means I don't have to hear his voice.
Does this sound OK.

Yes, but you must not let your guard down Albi. Just remember that. At other times, when it is not his appointed time, you can let it go to vm or to a text (don't answer). Just forward text to IM or call IM and have her access your messages.

Make sure IM SAVES ALL MESSAGES for many of them might be very VALUABLE in court. In fact, my lawyer ended our first hearing with a now famous quote from my crazy wayward ex. My x wrote this to me in a 3 am or so drunken email he sent (geez you should never drink and text or email) saying, "Don't you get it Peach? I have lived like a ROCK STAR and loved every minute of it!".

So those little inane and stupid very wayward statements he might say or write can and should be used against him/them whenever applicable!

Here is my plan B letter. I have used a lot of the one from SAA. Please read and make comment. I have not sent it yet.

Dear WH
I apologise for my part in creating an environment which made your affair with OW possible. I took our relationship for granted and did not provide the affection you required to feel loved and needed. I am willing to avoid the mistakes we have made in the past and create a new life for both of us that will meet your needs.
I understand that we have been living beyond our means and now have some financial difficulties. Obviously you felt you were not able to talk to me about this and if I was unapproachable I apologise. I can tell you now that you could have told me anything and I would not have been mad or even disappointed in you, my love does not depend on money. The children and I would have been quite happy living in a shoebox if it meant keeping our happy family together.
I now need to avoid seeing you or talking to you. While you are away you can contact the children via bump and skype at any time or you may call the house early on a Saturday or Sunday morning. When you return to Cairns I will work out a time you can see the children depending on both of our commitments. If you need to communicate about the children or any other matter please do so through dad while he is here and then through IM.
I ask that you respect my decision to separate from you this way. You must know about the suffering I have endured because of your relationship with OW, and I simply cannot communicate with you any longer. I still love you but I cannot see you under these conditions.
I want us to be able to rebuild our marriage someday. I want us to be able to meet each other�s emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We need to build a new lifestyle in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will never again be a reason for us to separate. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you as my best friend.
I loved you when we married and I continue to love you right up to this day. I just cannot talk to you or help you as long as you are behaving this way.
Love
Albi

I'd simplify it and make sure you don't accept responsibility for his affair in any way.

My WH rang the house again today to day he was back in Australia. Luckily I was not home and my father answered the phone.
So much for respecting my wishes.

I have sent the plan B letter. I also applied for child support today which means the agency will contact him in the next couple of days, can't wait to hear response. His pay went into our joint account as usual and then was transferred out the next day. Looks like he has set up his own account.
Man! this is so hard and I have only officially been in plan B for a day. Just knowing that I can't contact him makes me want to talk to him more than ever. Unfortunately the man I want to talk to doesn't exist at the moment. I really hope he will become him again, instead of the weird alien he seems like at the moment.

Albi,

Did you follow the plan B letter formula to a T? Did you state in the letter you sent HOW and WHAT the conditions are for him to return?

Please please say you did not send it and have all the self blame in the letter. Kaytscampter is right about that, but I will add too her thoughts that sometimes (my xwh did this) if you CLAIM ANY RESPONSIBILITY FOR THE MARRIAGE FAILURES (like not meeting a need etc) they will try to blame the whole affair ON YOU or worse, try to bring it into a legal proceeding saying , "See your honor? She admits it in writing that she caused our marriage to fail". YOU DO NOT WANT THAT.

In the letter is there a path to coming home? Is there conditions, and specific conditions like he must stop and break it off and go nc with the ow for LIFE.

Just being honest here. If you have a deeply entrenched spouse in a horribly destructive affair and they are very very wayward, you have to follow MB plans to a T, be as FIRM and harsh in dealing with them as you can, and give them zero wiggle room to spin and blame. You are in a precarious position Albi.

Your wh ruined the family finances. You did not. Please don't accept blame in that letter on that part too.

I tried to follow the plan B letter. I don't think I did give very clear instructions as to how he can return.
Do I send another letter explaining this more clearly or do I leave it as is??

leave it as is, let him live his life missing you and the life he had.......he knows what it will take.......
in the meantime keep yourself busy and work on being the best you....
jessi

N.O.


AS IS.

Leave it as it is, but in the future NEVER ASSUME ANY BLAME FOR THE MARRIAGE FAILING. You didn't cause it. THE AFFAIR DID.

Never do that. And go dark, very very dark Albi.

Never give an inch to a wayward ever. Not until they're a FORMERLY wayward spouse!

Thanks everyone.

You give me strength.

If and when he has questions about his new life situation (that he brought on), he can ask them via your IM. Your IM can then parrot what you left out on the plan B letter but mainly only the terms and conditions of what will be required from him to return home. Take the info for that (if he asks) from the MB example letter only. No more apologies to him for a darn thing!

I need to settle things like child visitation and his stuff in the house. My psychologist suggests writing an email that states what times he can see the children and lets him know that he can pick his stuff which I have packed up for him from the garage at a certain time when I am not home. I don't know if writing this email means breaking plan B and if it does how else do I let him know these things?

Through your IM. Don't break Plan B.

A big weekend for me this weekend. WH is back in town. I organised kids visit through IM. I have been strong and not had any contact. I have explained to the kids that mummy can't see daddy at the moment because it makes her too upset. They are allowed to see daddy and not feel bad about it. They seem very understanding.
Now I am just keeping myself busy to make it through the rest of the weekend.

This is so hard. WH has taken the kids out and I miss them terribly. I have just had a big glass of wine and am about to sit down and watch a movie. DD was very upset when it was time to go and kept saying she didn't want to leave me, she didn't know what to do. I told her she wasn't hurting me by going with WH and none of this was her fault. In the end I had to tell her I wanted her to go and see her father so that she would not feel guilty. Kids can really break your heart.

When the kids complain about their Dad, just listen.
Reassure them that it is OK to feel what they feel.
Do NOT say anything like:

"Your Dad loves you."

I made it through the weekend. There were lots of tears from the kids and lots of hugs from me. I still couldn't bring myself to pack up his stuff from the house. I know I have to do it but it is hard to take his clothes out of the wardrobe. It feels like I am admitting defeat. My psychologist warned me that this was going to get harder but I didn't think it was possible. She was right. She also says that he is still living the fantasy and since he hasn't moved in with ow and only sees her occaisionally, when they are both away from home, this affair could go on for a couple of years before he wakes up and realises the mistake he has made. I don't think I can wait that long. My heart aches every time I think about it.

This is early on, I would pack up his stuff put it in the garage and let him know that he has decided to pick the OW over his marriage and family and he will have to live with that decision.......
You can be loving and firm at the same time, he will know that you are willing to work on the marriage but only when he is committed and the OW is gone for life..
Your husband has to feel what it is like without you in it at all, he needs to feel his old life is over because of his decisions.....
PLan a dark plan B, give him time to figure out where he really wants his life to go.
Reality needs to hit that fantasy life hard.......
When he only has 1/2 of his $$ and the OW expects more, he will feel a lot of pressure, the OW won't be able to fill all his needs that you and the family have provided for him, he will resent her for not having those things, let it take it's course.........give it time to fall apart. It won't take 2 years............
In the meantime, move on with your life, spend time with family and friends.......
look good, smell good..........and just live a happy life without him..........
I know it's hard just look at it like steps to solving a problem, each step is and will get you closer to getting your marriage back or becoming a stronger woman and mother...........
don't let his decisions change who you are......
jessi

I thought plan B was supposed to protect the LB. Unfortunately I feel like mine is emptying fast. I have received an offer of financial settlement from WH. Basically it sounds like he is trying to be reasonable but when you read it closely he is only offering to pay what he has to legally and he wants to sell the house to pay off depts. This means he can pay off all the depts he created and then go off and live with OW. Meanwhile me and the kids are left with no money and no house. Needless to say my lawyer is writing back to him. It just makes me mad that he can be so selfish and mean, not only t me but also his children. This is not the man I married.

No albi, he's not that man right now.

He is a WAYWARD and that is like living with a space alien. Ever see MIB? My son, then much younger, loved that movie. After watching it he said, "I get it. Daddy has an ALIEN BODY doesn't he?"

He watched the beginning of the movie where the farmer was cruel and mean to his wife at home, then suddenly when the space ship lands on his property, he goes out to investigate only to get sucked into the spaceship.

The alien then eats him and wears his "Edgar suit"/outside exterior with the alien really inside then goes on a crazy spree killing and shooting up NYC.

So it's kinda like that. Kill the alien with real life and terribly mean lawyers. You force reality to kill his fantasy of the amicable divorce.

He is in lalala land. He thinks you'll acquiesce to his whims because it is a somewhat decent offer. That guy has NO IDEA what is coming does he? (evil laugh). Your lawyer will hopefully rip him a new one in that letter and the alien better be ready for a counter attack courtesy of REALITY.

Was that your email they read on the radio show today, albizia?

It sure was. Thanks for noticing. I got some great advice there from Dr Harley and so I am now going to concentrate on my life. I need to stop going over what I have done right or wrong and move forward from here. I guess it is like the old saying "If you love something, let it go, if it doesn't come back it was never really yours to begin with."

Albi - He was yours. You had a committment and you were one flesh with this man. If he doesn't come back doesn't mean he was never yours. He was yours. You can be proud of that because you were a good wife. You realized you didn't fulfill his EN's, and when that occurred you stayed and wanted that opportunity to meet his EN's. He never let you instead he cowardly left. He walked out and went down Easy Street. Unfortunately in life we cannot control any part of their leaving.

You can stand tall because you gave him every opportunity to come home and have a great marriage and be a good father. Today he still thinks by peeing on the grass over there it will somehow come greener. He doesn't realize if he waters it where he was that is how it becomes greener.

I have read many times the WS does come back. Usually the BS has moved on and hence it will never be again. Just know he was always yours. Don't think anything different.

Tough~

Yes, that was great advice ~ you did the best you could and that's all that you can do {{{{{albizia}}}}}

Just checking in on ya.

Heard another version of this....If you love something, let it go, if it doesn't come back you hunt it down, shoot it and stuff it and then it will be back in your living room....

I will listen to your radio call. What day did you speak? I am glad it gave you some strength. Hang tough. this stuff is not easy. You are a good Mom and have grace and mercy.

Thankyou for your kind words. I had a hard night last night. The kids finally cracked and told me what happenned last weekend. After he hadn't seen them for 5 weeks he took them out last weekend, they came back vry distressed, I thought it was just because the transition between daddy living here and daddy being a visitor was hard. Turns out after he picked them up he went and got OW and her daughter from the motel they were staying at and went out all together. MY DD has been terrified to tell me about this and how hard it was because she thought she might hurt me. The thoughtlessness of WH knows no bounds.

Hope, the radio call was 9/6/11. Thanks for the laugh, I needed that.

Time for the child psych. Also time to get noted that HE AND THE AFFAIR (yes this time it's wh/daddy's actions) are causing his children emotional pain.

Also, when you get a sep agreement have it written in that no overnight visitors of opposite sex under same roof when children are with parent on visitation.

Maybe he should have to pay off his own debts that he created to sustain his life with OW. Maybe you and the kids should be able to stay in your own house. Talk to your lawyer about it. Different states laws vary, in Oregon they don't have community property which also means if you didn't sign on the dotted line for a debt, you aren't responsible for it, married or not.

I wish the law was fair and only the guilty had to pay for their actions. Unfortunately it seems that the BS and children end up doing most of the suffering.
WH sends an email today stated what dates in the holidays he will be taking the children andsaying that since I have plenty of notice I can work around that. He expects me to put DD and DS on a plane by themselves to go and meet him and OW and stay there for 12 days of the 2 weeks holiday. Needless to say I am sending the email to my lawyer and checking exactly how I should tell him he is dreaming in a polite and legal manner.
It amazes me that he can actually not realise that two young, confused, insecure children would not be up to flying on their own and leaving their mother for 12 days. I really think that fantasy fog is getting thicker rather than clearing.

Unfortunately here in Australia I am responsible for his debts which were created during the marriage, even if I didn't know about them. The only way they work it out is to give me a bigger percentage of what is left after settlement. Since it looks like this will be almost nothing a bigger percentage of nothing doesn't help me much.

Follow the advice of your counselor. You have the right idea (not flying off the handle and "ripping" off a response)

{{alb}}}

Alb it is the same here -- communit property but I did get a larger % of everything.

Don't dismiss that WH is probably hiding some of his money also. That is always a strong possiblity.

As for the children he needs to fly them out and fly them back. He thinks it is enough to pay extra to leave a 6 year old with a flight attendant.

Sorry with the way our world is today with safety issues on planes it is unreasonable to ask them to fly solo.

Of course on the flip side do you image 2 weeks spent with OW and WH....it won't be fun after 3 days with everyone fighting.

Just invision that...

I am taking the children to see my psych tomorrow morning. Maybe she can give me some advice as to how to tell him to stop thinking of himself and start thinking of them.

I can't believe him sometimes. I got a test from the lady who came to clean my house this week. She said "While I was there your ex-husband came in, he said this was alright with you. I hope that is OK".

The nerve of that man!

Anger is starting to give way to depression. I noticed I have been very short tempered lately and my body is aching. I think it might be time for some medication before I fall into that depression hole.
Why is it me suffering and him enjoying his life.

Also need some advice on what to say to friends who say they want to keep out of it and stay friends with both of us. I thought that was fine, but then when I needed them to help me with something with the kids they told him about it which really annoyed me. How do you tell someone this without offending them?

Albizia, I would stick close to people who support YOU, not those who also supposedly are supporting your WH. There are so many people who do not believe in taking any sort of a stand; they do not understand that by "supporting" your WH, they are helping him make a terrible mistake that will hurt you and your children.

You could tell these wienies that they are helping him stay in a relationship that is statistically destined to fail miserably and quote the stats. How can a good friend honestly come to the conclusion that he needs that kind of support? If they were REAL friends, they would tell him to get back home right away and drop him until he does so.

Let them out of your life and stick by friends who support YOU.

Today is a bad day. I feel like if it weren't for the kids I would just curl up in a ball and cry till it all went away. Luckily I do have two beautiful, innocent children who need me to keep it together. Some days that is easier than others.

Hi, Albizia,

I have been following your thread from the beginning as I have been going through something similar with my wife's affair. Regarding your recent posts I can tell you that he is actually suffering, too, though it can be hard to see that. ***EDIT*** It is frustrating though, I agree. I used to make a habit, every time I had to clean the cats' litter box or get up at night to clean up a hairball, of thinking how this kind of reality just wasn't intruding in their fantasy life at all. Maybe that wasn't helpful, but it did remind me that what they "had" was not based on any kind of reality, and I found that comforting.

I have definitely had those days of wanting to "just curl up in a ball and cry," and often did. I would say, if you feel like crying, do. It's better to allow yourself that, and you will feel better having done it rather than pushed it away.

The most helpful thing you can do for yourself at this time, in my experience, is to commit yourself to 45 minutes of daily exercise. Even just walking will do. It is not always enough to take your mind off things, but on many days it will make you feel much better, even normal, both during the time you are exercising and even for a few hours afterwards. When it works, which is most of the time, it is almost like magic. If you aren't already exercising, I hope you will try it. The trick is to make it (almost) as much of a daily requirement as having dinner, or whatever else you always make sure to do every day no matter what.

Exercise also has all sorts of other wonderful side effects that do wonders for your ability to sleep well, for your self esteem, and (eventually, maybe) for the wandering one to start noticing things changing (and for the better) and to start questioning things.

Best of luck, Albizia. I'm pulling for you.

Albizia,
I understand the place you are at. I was down and I was as low as i could get. My best advice is don't let yourself be a victim.

Have your pity parties but keep them to yourself which is difficult. Reach out only to someone who is there to support YOU...not WH.

You have to give the perception you are doing well even if right now it is not true. it gives them power when they know we are crashing.

Always act "as if". Let word get out how great you look, how much weight you lost, new clothes, new haircut. make HIM wonder even if you don't see him.

Agree about the exercise. I walked the beach every night for months. I cried more tears than were in the ocean but no one saw me. After awhile I just started to enjoy the walks instead of it being a sorrow.

Do you belong to a church? I changed churches last year and i have such a good group of supportive friends I can call them anytime.

Take one day at a time. It is hard work. I has been 3 years and I do well most days and then there will be a trigger and I will fill up with tears out of nowhere.

Post here that really helps the most.

Blessings.

Thanks for the support.
I do belong to a church and I have lots of good friends and great family. These things are a great support to me. I am throwing myself into my children and me growing strong together. We are off on a camping trip for the next few days and are all looking forward to it.

I will let you know how it all goes when I come home next week.

Thanks again

Have fun and just be the wonderful Mom you are.

Blessings

I'm back from camping and feeling a bit refreshed. I find myself becoming a little short tempered and so have started using the medication before this develops into full depression (I have been there before and know the signs).

Right now my focus is on continuing to plan B and concentration on me. No matter what happens from here on I know that the children and I will be fine. A good friend of mine gave me two good pieces of advice.
1. Cry at night in bed on your own, then get up and face the new day with a smile.
2. Never forget "good things happen to good people, and you are a good person."

I don't know where I'm heading right now and what lies in front of me. The plans I had for my life have all but disappeared. I do know that whatever happens, I can do this.