Need some input for message to ex MIL - 06/21/11 03:02 PM
Fellow MBers,
Need some input. Ex IL is upset that my mother doesn�t think their DD, my WXW, walks on water.
I wasn�t there for this, but this is how it was explained to me:
My mother made a comment to the kids which was taken out of context by them (six year old interpretations). They somehow figured out they could put a random code into our garage and open it to get in the house. My mother, grateful they did this, but alarmed at the same time, told them not to ever reveal the code to anyone. The two 6 year old boys asked if they could tell mommy or mommy�s bf. My mother said no. She said that giving out this code would allow someone to break into the house and take things.
My boys, unfortunately, made the leap in logic that this meant that my mom was telling my kids that my WXW would do this if she got the code. This was repeated back to my WXW and her mother and they were furious.
I went with my mother to a karate class for the kids. My ex and I got up to take pics of the kids and my mother said something to my wife which was overheard by my WXW�s bf. The comment was made to my wife, not to the kids, who weren�t nearby. This added more fuel to the fire.
So I went to karate class last night and my WXW showed up with her entire family. I was confronted by my ex MIL, who went on to ask me why my mother can�t set aside her feelings for my ex and not say things about her. She previously called me the week prior, after the garage incident, to tell me that my mom was evil and that she shouldn�t say bad things about their daughter to the kids. I didn�t engage because my kids were nearby and didn�t feel like dealing with it. But it left me fuming, of course.
She wants an explanation, so I decided to write her and give her this explanation:
EXMIL,
I don�t normally write you or communicate with you, but feel that I should address what happened yesterday.
I will not have a debate about my family when the kids are anywhere nearby, which is why I chose not to say anything last night. If you feel you need to address something, then feel free to call me at any time, but I will not discuss any issues of contention when the kids are standing nearby. Confronting me there was wrong on your part and shouldn�t have happened.
That being said, you feel you need an explanation on why my mother feels the way she does.
I do not want to dredge up what should be obvious. Keep in mind as I explain this I am personally well past all of these issues, but it�s really very simple and it boils down to this (from my mother�s perspective):
Your daughter cheated on her son while he was at war. She went out with 5 different men while leaving the kids with a nanny. She physically cheated on him with one or more of them. She then ambushed him with a divorce the day he got off the plane. She took his kids, the majority of their things and effectively ended his military career. She left him an emotionally broken man, without a job, separated from his kids, and financially broke.
Adding insult to injury was the complete lack of support from you or FIL in this situation and a concerted effort on both of your parts to fund her legal efforts to keep her son away from his children and get him out of their lives. From her perspective, you put her son on the defensive and attempted to smear him. She feels you treated her son like a criminal.
My family acknowledges that I wasn�t a perfect husband but I in no way deserved the treatment I got from either you or from WXW.
WXW has never once apologized or showed any remorse for the way she treated me or what she did to me 5 years ago.
I finally accepted the fact that she will never see what she did nor will she ever apologize. She has somehow rationalized her behavior in her mind and shows no remorse or conscience over what she did. I quit waiting for some sign of a conscience years ago and I forgave and decided to move on.
While I may have forgiven, I have not forgotten. I deal with her for the kids, but would otherwise have absolutely nothing to do with her in any way shape or form if it wasn�t for them. I deal with her with complete indifference. My feelings would be more positive if she was someone who had a conscience, but I�ve never seen it nor have I ever received an apology for what she put me and the kids through. I let go of the expectation of an apology and some sign of a conscience.
All I can tell you is that the kids, the boys especially, hear things and interpret them in their own ways which are often grossly out of context in how they were said. I�ve experienced this personally and know of things supposedly said by WXW or WXW�s BF which have been presented to me out of context.
This is certainly the case with the comments made about the garage code.
As far as anything else goes, I can only do something about things I witness or am there for. What I know and what I�ve seen is that my mom has never once said anything to the kids while I or DW have been there and she knows better than to do so.
But if you expect her to change her feelings about WXW, then you�re hopelessly na�ve. If the roles were reversed and I had cheated on her with 5 different women and then took the kids from her and left her broke and living off the charity of friends, and subsequently dragged her through an expensive legal battle then I�m sure your opinion of me would be much more negative.
The fact of the matter is that the worst you could say about me is that actually had the audacity to fight for the kids to have their father in their lives. I didn�t just roll over and hand everything to WXW. If it was truly up to you and her, I�d be out of the kids lives and would have been replaced by someone else while I paid out the nose for their care and never saw them.
Please do not say anything about my mother to me again and do not ever confront me about something you don�t like while the kids are anywhere nearby. My response will be the same: silence.
Do no mistake my civility for friendly feelings. Everything I do is for them. This means interacting with their mother and her family and finding solutions to problems in a manner that benefits the kids, even if it means putting on a friendly front for them while they�re around.
I can look in the mirror and know I was faithful to my vows and did what I felt was right at the time to try and save my marriage. I wake up every day with a clear conscience.
I put all this behind me long ago because I have to. I know that if any of the boys was treated by their wife in the manner that WXW treated me that I would take much longer to simply let it go. It�s not that simple and you as a parent should understand that.
The greatest regret I have and one that I have wanted to apologize for is for a comment I made to FIL 3 years ago shortly after WXW�s BF moved in. Outside of that, my greatest sin was to fight for my kids, who benefit from having me in their lives.
That�s something I don�t regret at all.
HTLTD
Opinions?
Need some input. Ex IL is upset that my mother doesn�t think their DD, my WXW, walks on water.
I wasn�t there for this, but this is how it was explained to me:
My mother made a comment to the kids which was taken out of context by them (six year old interpretations). They somehow figured out they could put a random code into our garage and open it to get in the house. My mother, grateful they did this, but alarmed at the same time, told them not to ever reveal the code to anyone. The two 6 year old boys asked if they could tell mommy or mommy�s bf. My mother said no. She said that giving out this code would allow someone to break into the house and take things.
My boys, unfortunately, made the leap in logic that this meant that my mom was telling my kids that my WXW would do this if she got the code. This was repeated back to my WXW and her mother and they were furious.
I went with my mother to a karate class for the kids. My ex and I got up to take pics of the kids and my mother said something to my wife which was overheard by my WXW�s bf. The comment was made to my wife, not to the kids, who weren�t nearby. This added more fuel to the fire.
So I went to karate class last night and my WXW showed up with her entire family. I was confronted by my ex MIL, who went on to ask me why my mother can�t set aside her feelings for my ex and not say things about her. She previously called me the week prior, after the garage incident, to tell me that my mom was evil and that she shouldn�t say bad things about their daughter to the kids. I didn�t engage because my kids were nearby and didn�t feel like dealing with it. But it left me fuming, of course.
She wants an explanation, so I decided to write her and give her this explanation:
EXMIL,
I don�t normally write you or communicate with you, but feel that I should address what happened yesterday.
I will not have a debate about my family when the kids are anywhere nearby, which is why I chose not to say anything last night. If you feel you need to address something, then feel free to call me at any time, but I will not discuss any issues of contention when the kids are standing nearby. Confronting me there was wrong on your part and shouldn�t have happened.
That being said, you feel you need an explanation on why my mother feels the way she does.
I do not want to dredge up what should be obvious. Keep in mind as I explain this I am personally well past all of these issues, but it�s really very simple and it boils down to this (from my mother�s perspective):
Your daughter cheated on her son while he was at war. She went out with 5 different men while leaving the kids with a nanny. She physically cheated on him with one or more of them. She then ambushed him with a divorce the day he got off the plane. She took his kids, the majority of their things and effectively ended his military career. She left him an emotionally broken man, without a job, separated from his kids, and financially broke.
Adding insult to injury was the complete lack of support from you or FIL in this situation and a concerted effort on both of your parts to fund her legal efforts to keep her son away from his children and get him out of their lives. From her perspective, you put her son on the defensive and attempted to smear him. She feels you treated her son like a criminal.
My family acknowledges that I wasn�t a perfect husband but I in no way deserved the treatment I got from either you or from WXW.
WXW has never once apologized or showed any remorse for the way she treated me or what she did to me 5 years ago.
I finally accepted the fact that she will never see what she did nor will she ever apologize. She has somehow rationalized her behavior in her mind and shows no remorse or conscience over what she did. I quit waiting for some sign of a conscience years ago and I forgave and decided to move on.
While I may have forgiven, I have not forgotten. I deal with her for the kids, but would otherwise have absolutely nothing to do with her in any way shape or form if it wasn�t for them. I deal with her with complete indifference. My feelings would be more positive if she was someone who had a conscience, but I�ve never seen it nor have I ever received an apology for what she put me and the kids through. I let go of the expectation of an apology and some sign of a conscience.
All I can tell you is that the kids, the boys especially, hear things and interpret them in their own ways which are often grossly out of context in how they were said. I�ve experienced this personally and know of things supposedly said by WXW or WXW�s BF which have been presented to me out of context.
This is certainly the case with the comments made about the garage code.
As far as anything else goes, I can only do something about things I witness or am there for. What I know and what I�ve seen is that my mom has never once said anything to the kids while I or DW have been there and she knows better than to do so.
But if you expect her to change her feelings about WXW, then you�re hopelessly na�ve. If the roles were reversed and I had cheated on her with 5 different women and then took the kids from her and left her broke and living off the charity of friends, and subsequently dragged her through an expensive legal battle then I�m sure your opinion of me would be much more negative.
The fact of the matter is that the worst you could say about me is that actually had the audacity to fight for the kids to have their father in their lives. I didn�t just roll over and hand everything to WXW. If it was truly up to you and her, I�d be out of the kids lives and would have been replaced by someone else while I paid out the nose for their care and never saw them.
Please do not say anything about my mother to me again and do not ever confront me about something you don�t like while the kids are anywhere nearby. My response will be the same: silence.
Do no mistake my civility for friendly feelings. Everything I do is for them. This means interacting with their mother and her family and finding solutions to problems in a manner that benefits the kids, even if it means putting on a friendly front for them while they�re around.
I can look in the mirror and know I was faithful to my vows and did what I felt was right at the time to try and save my marriage. I wake up every day with a clear conscience.
I put all this behind me long ago because I have to. I know that if any of the boys was treated by their wife in the manner that WXW treated me that I would take much longer to simply let it go. It�s not that simple and you as a parent should understand that.
The greatest regret I have and one that I have wanted to apologize for is for a comment I made to FIL 3 years ago shortly after WXW�s BF moved in. Outside of that, my greatest sin was to fight for my kids, who benefit from having me in their lives.
That�s something I don�t regret at all.
HTLTD
Opinions?
