Am I the crazy one? - Marriage Builders® Forums

Hi there,
I am new here and seeking some advice. A little about me, I am male 35 years young successful professional, married for 16 years have 3 children age 16, 14 and 10. A beautiful wife.

Now:
I am 80% sure my wife is cheating on me, I have some proof, I wanted to work on it because I still love her. She is 37 years old and also has a job.

Events:
In March I found out she is send naked pictures of her to her mail co-worker, I confronted her and she said it was a onetime deal and it will never happen again.

April, I found an email she send to the same co-worker indicating how much she wants to have sex with him and that there is another guy she is in love with how is married, but she won�t break up a happy marriage and just wants sex with the co-worker she send the pictures.

May, we are on and off, wanting divorce and wanting to reconcile, according to her she never had sex with another guy.

Later, I discover another email send to her own work address on how to have a successful affair and what to consider.

I confronted her again, and she kicked me out of my house.

We reconciled again, and only me to see her coming out of a restaurant with a different guy, she saw me watching, blew up at home and kicked me out again,

She served me the papers to sign and basically wants to destroy me, she extremely angry and wants out, she said I am a controlling freak, and that she can live like this. There is so much more to it but this is a start, I don't know if I should try to reconcile, or go with the divorce and start over. Not really my first option.

Any advice appreciated.

AustrianH
Thank you!

Originally Posted by AustrianH

Hi there,
I am new here and seeking some advice. A little about me, I am male 35 years young successful professional, married for 16 years have 3 children age 16, 14 and 10. A beautiful wife.

Now:
I am 80% sure my wife is cheating on me, I have some proof, I wanted to work on it because I still love her. She is 37 years old and also has a job.

Events:
In March I found out she is send naked pictures of her to her mail co-worker, I confronted her and she said it was a onetime deal and it will never happen again.

April, I found an email she send to the same co-worker indicating how much she wants to have sex with him and that there is another guy she is in love with how is married, but she won�t break up a happy marriage and just wants sex with the co-worker she send the pictures.

May, we are on and off, wanting divorce and wanting to reconcile, according to her she never had sex with another guy.

Later, I discover another email send to her own work address on how to have a successful affair and what to consider.

I confronted her again, and she kicked me out of my house.

We reconciled again, and only me to see her coming out of a restaurant with a different guy, she saw me watching, blew up at home and kicked me out again,

She served me the papers to sign and basically wants to destroy me, she extremely angry and wants out, she said I am a controlling freak, and that she can live like this. There is so much more to it but this is a start, I don't know if I should try to reconcile, or go with the divorce and start over. Not really my first option.

Any advice appreciated.

AustrianH
Thank you!

AH

Welcome to Marriage Builders. Looks like you have been on quite a ride with your marriage.

Just want to suggest you hit the notify button to the right of the reply button and ask the moderators to move this thread to the Surviving An Affair thread.

There is much more traffic there although it is the weekend and responses do tend to get slow especially in the summer.

At this time it appears you are looking for some direction with your M.

Do you have the book Surviving An Affair by Dr. Harley? Have you read all the Basic Concepts of the site? The link to them is way up at the top of the page here in the center red banner.

During the slow times I would suggest you read and study all the Free information Dr. H has made available to us.

Again I am sorry you find yourself here. Welcome.

nESRE

I will, thank you, nESRE

I agree with nESRE on moving the thread. One other thing, if you can get back into your house, get in AND REFUSE TO LEAVE. That can be used against you, especially if she wants to play 'dirty' which she is doing. do NOT let her kick you out. It's your house too. Get back in it.

Originally Posted by nesre

Do you have the book Surviving An Affair by Dr. Harley?

Have you read all the Basic Concepts of the site? The link to them is way up at the top of the page here in the center red banner.

nESRE

ITA with NSZ. If at all possible get back into your house unless there is something pending legally as to why you could not be there.

Not sure where you are located but it may be viewed as abandonment.

I walked back into the middle of my WW's A unannounced august of 2010 after being gone 5 months with my DD17. My DD moved back to the home and within 10 days or so I did. There was nothing pending so I had every legal right to be in my own home.

Did it suck? Was it extremely uncomfortable. Yes big time. The bite marks are almost healed on my tounge now from where I had to stop myself from AO's or DJ's.

Do not telecast it-Just do it - today if you are able.

You see you do not want her to be comfortable with the A's. You are a constant reminder to WW what she is doing. Hard to fight A's when you are outside the home.

nESRE

Originally Posted by AustrianH

Hi there,
I am new here and seeking some advice. A little about me, I am male 35 years young successful professional, married for 16 years have 3 children age 16, 14 and 10. A beautiful wife.

AH

Who has the children at this point?

nESRE

my guess is the kids are with the WW hence my advice to get back into the house.

Dang these WS's are freaking bold. Pea Soup Thick Fogbabble Mouth spewing bold.

AH

MelodyLane puts the thoughts about staying in your own home together with this Notable Post

Read Me

nESRE

Quote

I confronted her again, and she kicked me out of my house.

Did this happen at gunpoint? If not, why did you leave? Because your cheating wife tells you to?

Your wife will continue to cheat on you because she feels she can do whatever she wants without consequence.

Step one - expose the affairs. Killing the affairs is the only way to even begin deciding if to save your marriage or not.

AH

Hope you didn't post today because you were too busy moving back into your

home.......

Best wishes

nERSE

She does, she is in law inforcement and is using her little powers all against me.

Thank you all,
Ok, as of this point I have not moved back into the house, as I stated earlier, she works in law enforcement, she is threatening me to put me in jail, when I found out about the infidelity "the email" I was so pissed I punched some doors and a hole in the wall, she is using this as saying if I get close while she is there she will have me arrested from one of her friends/co-workers, ohh, and the person she has and affair with is a co-worker. She lets me in when she is at work so I can see the kids. She does not even consider reconciling at this point, so I guess the divorce is it, how can I stop her from ruining me during the process? The only proof I have is the pictures she sent, the email she sent and some documents she sent.

What state do you live in? Not all states are created equal when it comes to infidelity. Do not let her bully you by making you think just because she is in law enforcement, she'll have you arrested. The proof you have now would make her and her colleagues not only look bad, but probably lose their jobs. Hold your ground brother!

Move home when she is not there and keep the VAR on you with the on switch at your finger tips.

She's bullying you and you know it. Let her rant and rave all she wants. She's just angry because she got caught.

Expose, expose and expose again. Hold strong.

Originally Posted by AustrianH

Thank you all,
Ok, as of this point I have not moved back into the house, as I stated earlier, she works in law enforcement, she is threatening me to put me in jail,

when I found out about the infidelity "the email" I was so pissed I punched some doors and a hole in the wall, she is using this as saying if I get close while she is there she will have me arrested from one of her friends/co-workers,

This will get you put in jail. This is the type of behavior you must control. How long ago did this occur?

ohh, and the person she has and affair with is a co-worker.

You may really use this with your exposure. The exposure could go to the department heads. Wouldn't they be upset with behavior such as this within their department?

Exposure with this needs to be planned out very carefully to have the maximum affect.

She lets me in when she is at work so I can see the kids. She does not even consider reconciling at this point, so I guess the divorce is it,

Is that the direction AH wants or do you really want to try the MB's program?

how can I stop her from ruining me during the process?

We can work on that. This depends on how long ago the door/hole in the wall incedent occured. Was this common behavior from you throughout your M?
Talk to us about that. If this was an isolated one time incedent A plan can be made. If this was common within your M I would suggest you get some help such as anger management or personal counseling.

The only proof I have is the pictures she sent, the email she sent and some documents she sent.

Keep those in a very safe place. You may need them to show as proof to anyone who asks for it after you expose.

What are Plan A and Plan B

Make sure to read the whole aricle and have a clear understanding.

From the article

Quote

Another exception to the Policy of Joint Agreement when confronting infidelity is what I've called, "exposure." I highly recommend that while in plan A you tell your friends, family, the lover's spouse, your pastor, and possibly your wayward spouse's employer that your spouse is having an affair. It's a very controversial recommendation, and a clear violation of the Policy of Joint Agreement. But I've found exposure to be one of the most effective ways to end an affair quickly while in plan A.

Is she on any of the internet social networks? Facebook etc? These also can be a valuable avenue with exposure when done right.

nESRE