I went through a period of terrible depression. During that time I turned to sex for excitement and had sex with several different men. The depression was over several years but the affairs where over a six week period when I just lost control of my life.

I have been in therapy for about 5 months and stopped the affairs before starting therapy. My husband does not know about the men.

Now I am trying to figure out how to fix my disaster of a marriage. I don't want to divorce because we have 4 kids (13,15,16 an 18 years old). I just don't know how to love my husband again. I do all the normal wifey things and try to fake it. Husband says that he is happy in our marriage but I am not.

I am struggling with two things. Can I ever have a good marriage with such a big secret between us? And do I want to stay in a marriage with a man that shows me no love or attention?

I currently have a close male friend (non-sexual). It is so nice to spend time with him. We talk for hours. We care for each other and support each other. He is what I would want in a husband. He is also the person that helped me stop sleeping around and make things right with God. When I am upset, he is the one I turn to. It should be my husband but he is just not emotional available and I can't handle life on my own.

I will not divorce until my 13 year daughter has graduated from high school. During those 5 years, it would be nice to fix my marriage so we don't divorce but I just don't think it is fixable.

Any advice would be great.

V,

You won't like my answers, but here they are.

The reason your marriage is not working is because of YOU. Your husband is not "available" to you because you are not invested in him.

You run to another man for advice, for support, for friendship. You have had multiple affairs, and have checked out of the relationship with your husband.

Then, you complain about your husband as being


"not available" to YOU?????


Do you see here that YOU are not available to YOUR HUSBAND?


Is there any part of you that sees this?



Then you say that you "can't handle life" on your own. This speaks volumes to the fact that you are simply using your husband as a financial vehicle for your own convenience.



So, from your husband's point of view, he has an emotionally distant wife, one who checked out of the marriage years ago, who runs to another man for all of her needs, and uses him only for financial support. Why would your husband WANT to meet your emotional needs? After all - what is in this for HIM?


And your husband doesn't even know about your affairs, yet.


I know that I am being hard on you, but your only chance here is for you to really see things clearly. Right now, you are in what is called "the fog". You have a wayward mindset, one in which you have a sense of entitlement to what YOU want. Your post shows that you want:

1. Your husband to pay your way for at least the next five years until your youngest graduates.

2. Your husband to remain in the dark about your sexual encounters with other men.

3. Your inappropriate relationship with this close male friend to continue, so you can "care for and support each other" until such time as .... I would suppose that your ultimate plan is to dump your husband and marry this guy? After, that is, you use your husband for the next five years.....


Around here, we BUILD marriages. Expect the advice to include:

dumping this close male friend and never contacting him again, because you are currently in an emotional affair with him

telling your husband about your affairs

changing your behavior to improve yourself so YOU meet your HUSBAND's emotional needs and STOP focusing on your own needs


More to come.

Sorry to start you off with such a bang, but...there it is.


Welcome to Marriage BUILDERS. And no, I will not tell you that I agree that you have permission to plan to divorce in five years.

Nope.
No matter how "happy" you might think that would make you. Because you are completely and totally wrong in your thinking.

Schoolbus

FTR

So you plan on tricking your husband into staying married to you? What if he would choose to NOT stay in a marriage with you. Would you deny him the right to make that choice?

Wouldn't that be extremely cruel and manipulative?

Are you a real mean gal?

I have tried to be available to my husband. Before and after the affairs. He is just not interested. As long as he has dinner, the house is clean, kids taken care of and sex that's all he wants.

It is not about financial support. I worry about how my daughter would handle the divorce. I prefer to give her a stable home until she leaves for college. She deserves to live with both her mom and dad.


How could telling my husband about the affairs save my marriage? It would be a disaster.

As long as there is no sex, the emotional affair is fine. My husband does know my friend and does not have a problem with him.

I am working on changing my behavior. Things have been calmer lately and my husband has been in a good mood so I do think that is helping.

This is exactly correct. And I will add that I know why you are depressed. You are depressed because you continually violate your conscience by degrading yourself. Not only did you commit adultery in a very, very cheap way, but you continue to lie to your victim about it.

Lying and adultery CAUSE depression.

*YOU* are the reason your marriage is so bad. You are the reason you are depressed. Happiness is the result of being good, not bad.

I don't think I am mean.

My preference would be to end the marriage. I am staying because I been told it is selfish to leave. Probably should have come here first.

I have talked it over with my priest, received counseling and have a spiritual director. I constantly pray on it. All say the same thing. Stay and make the marriage work. That I need to focus on fixing my marriage. The 5 year plan is mine and not anyone elses advice. I just can't think of being married until death. I figure it gives me 5 years to fix the marriage. If I can't fix it in 5 years then I give up.

What is a disaster is your adultery and your continued deceit. How will lying to your husband about your affairs save your marriage? Your marriage IS a disaster. Your husband just doesn't know what you have done to him yet.

Not telling your husband what you have done to him is cruel and manipulative and deceitful. This is information about his life that is being wrongfully and cruelly withheld from him. He has a RIGHT to know what you have done to him.

By not telling him, you also expose him to all of manner of sleazy sexual diseases.

By not telling him you remain an unrepentant liar and adultress. You are a dangerous person. He needs to know what you have done so he can protect himself and his children from you.

I have been married 20 years. Faithfully except for 6 weeks at the beginning of this year. Depression was before the affairs. But the affairs made the depression worse.

Do you really think the marriage would improve if my husband knew about the affairs? That is not an option.

Your actions say otherwise. Lying and cheating and tricking your husband is about as mean as it gets. You are mean.


Your "preferences" do not entitle you to abuse others. Your husband has a right to know what you have done whether you leave or not. He would be safer if you did leave. But he still has a right to know the truth about his own life. And you have no right to trick and manipulate him.


Your marriage is a lie. You are a liar and a cheater. An unrepentant one. Any "spiritual director" who told you lying was the right thing to do gets her "spiritual" direction from hell. The solution to sin is to repent. You have not done that. Any Christian who tells you otherwise is apostate.

I was tested after the affairs. No STDs. I am no longer sleeping with anyone. I am not dangerous to my children.

I did repent. I went to confession and repented. My sins are between God and me.

Of course it is an option to tell him the truth. Your marriage will NEVER improve as long as you continue to lie and manipulate him. And he may not choose to stay married to you. That is his right.

If you came here looking for support to help you lie and trick your husband you came to the wrong place. There are cheaters forums who will give support in being a liar and a cheater. This forum won't help you ruin your marriage and trick your husband.

That is a lie. You have not repented. You continue to lie to your husband. You have not turned away from your crimes. And yes, you are dangerous to your children. You cheat on their father, lie to him and treat him cruelly. You subject him to STDs. And I don't believe you were tested.

I think I will trust my priest's guidance more than someone on the internet.

Do you want help with your marriage? Or are you here for support for your lies and your trickery?

We will be glad to help you, but only if it starts with HONESTY. HONESTY is the solution to adultery, not more lies, not more deceit.

We won't help you remain a liar.

I don't believe a priest told you that lying demonstrates repentance. You made that up. And even if one did, which I seriously doubt, you know it is not true.

Why would I lie about being tested? I haven't slept with someone since February. I was tested in March. I need to get retested in Sept. It is not that hard to get tested. Simple blood test.

I know what I did was wrong and I made a firm commitment to not repeat my sinful actions. I may be a liar and a cheat but I have repented.

If your priest told you to remain a liar, and that God finds that acceptable, I will eat my hat.

I will have to go buy a hat to eat, but I am a dedicated kind of girl. I'd do it.

Let us know when you're ready to work and heal yourself and your marriage.

And no one here believes your dismissal of us as strangers on the Internet. You came looking for us. You need us. You know that you are on the wrong path.

It was recommended that I come here to help my marriage. I have been trying different things and it doesn't seem to be helping so thought I would give it a try. I guess it was a mistake because if it requires me to tell my husband, the answer is no.

I stopped the bad behavior that is the best I can do.

Another lie. In order to repent you have to stop lying. You have not stopped. Every day you don't tell your husband what you did to him is another lie added to the list.

You continue to lie and decieve your husband to this very day.

You are wasting our time with all this, Violette. Do you want help or not?

That's right. We won't help you lie to your husband and continue to trick him. That is not "helpful" to you, him, your children or your marriage.

Your marriage will never improve as long as you continue to deceive your husband. A marriage whose foundation consists of deceit and adultery cannot be saved.

After my confession, the priest said that I need to fix my marriage first and then pray on whether or not to tell my husband.

Do you want help or are you here to waste our time trying to defend your lying and adultery?

We will be glad to help you do the RIGHT THINGS but we won't help you do the WRONG THINGS.

Violette, I'm confused as to what you want.
--Do you want to fix your marriage, like your thread title suggests?
--Or do you want to divorce?
--Or, do you want to fake your marriage for 5 years while geting male attention on the side, & investing "hours" of your your time in (currently) non-sexual "friendship" [sounds like: possible emotional affair] with other men. In that scenario, exactly what role would you want your husband to play?

You can fix your marriage (I know; my wife & I recovered our marriage after my affair); but you can't do so on a foundation of underlying deceit. If that's your plan, it won't work, and it would be best to come out divorce your husband rather than subjecting him to a sham marriage where you keep your affections, and invest your time & attention, elsewhere.

If, on the other hand, you want to give another try at investing in your marriage, and investing your time & attention on the guy you married, it can work, but only if you're truthful about the obstacles you need to overcome.

So, other than wishful thinking, those are your options. The choice is yours, but you shouldn't delude yourself that you can find some middle ground that involves having a good marriage while maintaining a deception about who you are & who you've been. I tried the deception route for about 11 weeks, and when it was revealed & my head cleared, I was profoundly disgusted at what I had allowed myself to become. That stuff only works in movies. There are people who manage to sweep it under the rug for years, but I haven't heard from any such people who are proud of themselves after it all. Just a thought for you to consider.

Good luck.

You are wasting our time with this hogwash. You know very well God does not condone lying.

I can not tell my husband. The marriage would be over and he would take the kids. He is not a forgiving person. I am just not ready to deal with the consequences of my actions. I am sure that makes me seem worse in your eyes but I just can't do it. So I will stop wasting your time.

violette,

Please do some reading on this site and learn what it takes to have a great marriage, you right now need to look at your husband and your marriage differently, see what you can give instead of worrying what you will get out of it for now. Be the wife you want to be to your husband and believe me he will respond the way you need him to........
I agree relying on your male friend is crossing the boundaries of your marriage vows, nothing personal should ever be discussed with anyone other than your husband........you will be back into a physical affair in no time if you continue that relationship.......
It is inappropriate........You have a family and a husband who should all come first and they should all expect you to be respectful of the marriage and the family unit.
You are giving the friend what you should be giving your husband.......You make your husband believe everything is fine when it isn't that is not being open and honest.........
You are doing the bare minimum you have to so he thinks things are fine and then you go somewhere else for your needs.......
I would go to your husband and ask him to go to this site with you and start to work on the questionaires on meeting each other's emotional needs and putting together a plan for a great marriage where you can communicate and really be invested in each other...........
One person can start and the other will follow because they will feel the benefit of a great connection and want to work at keeping it in that place.
I agree that at some point you are going to have to come clean about the affairs, you can start with a clean slate and a new beginning......
You guys have been married for over 20 years and you have been fine for most of it, do the right thing and get your marriage back on track......
anything worth having is a bit of work, just think how much your life could change for the better.......everyone makes mistakes it's how we handle them that determines who we are.........open, honest, truthful, boundaries, love, respect and taking care of each other's needs and being there for each other that is what you want and that is what will make you happy, not a romp in the hay with some guy that doesn't mean as much as this life you have now.......
stay here, get the help you want.......
jessi

Yes, you can tell your husband. IT won't be easy, but it is the right thing to do if you are serious about repenting and saving your marriage. [if he chooses to stay married] If he wants to divorce you, that is his RIGHT. And you have no right to deny him that choice.

If you know he would want to leave, you are even more cruel to try and selfishly trick him into staying married to you. What kind of a woman TRICKS her husband into staying married to her?

A very manipulative, cruel one, that is who.

Your H has a RIGHT to leave you if he chooses. But you are denying him the right to make that choice because you are selfish. That is about as bad as it gets.


Yes, you can do it. You are ruining your soul by hanging onto this deceit. This lie will keep you cut off from God.

Thank you. Come back when you are serious.

Ideally I would love to be happily married. I just don't seem to know how to fix things. I have been trying for months and have not made much progress. I want to want to be near my husband and to have some feelings for him. I don't even like being home anymore. It just really stinks.

The whole 5 years is me just doubting that I can change things. Also, spending time with my sister and husband who have been happily married for 30 years. I want what they have. It just made me sad.

The emotionally affair has been about dealing with all my baggage from the past and trying to understand why I screwed up so bad so I don't go down that road again. It would be better if I had a female friend for support but I don't have a close female friend that I can trust.

So? Am I off the hook for hat eating?

:lol

Thanks. I will read more on the website and think things over. I will check over the questionares. There is a lot more to our problems then were posted and I need time to think.

There is only one way to achieve that and it is very contingent on 2 things: honesty and your husbands willingness to stay in the marriage. You can't possibly ever be happily married as long as there is a lie between you. It creates a superficiality that prevents intimacy. Nothing you do can ever overcome the deceit.


You CAN have that, but you will never have it as long as you lie to your husband.

Telling him the truth has to be the first step. It would also be therapeutic for you, because you can not recover personally as long as you do not repent.

No - you need to eat the hat.

Yeah. Gonna skip the hat. No priest serious about vows or understanding theology would advise deception.

And don't insult your husband by bringing him here and asking him to do questionaires. He will resent the trickery when he eventually finds out you tricked him.

He may decide to leave the marriage, after all, and that is his right.

As you can see I rarely post but the priest's advice to you really got my blood boiling! I have been EXACTLY where you are except I am the betrayed. My WH thought it was good enough to go to confession (which should not be confused with repentance) and tell his priest all that he did. He was told to say a few Our Fathers and go home and live like usual. Almost THREE YEARS
later, I found out through the grapevine what really happened. I can only tell you this:

His silence and willingness to KEEP HIS SIN BETWEEN HIM
AND GOD is what DESTROYED our marriage.

You are believing a lie. If you want to do this God's way, open His word and He will tell you exactly what you need to do with this and I can guarantee it has NOTHING to do with keeping quiet. This will be the only way for you to grow...guaranteed!

That, along with the help you will receive here, will put your marriage on a clear path to healing

Yeah, that isn't going to work here.

This is a wayward tactic that I have seen used on this forum MANY times in an effort to justify the continued lying.

You are just trying to take the easy way out...the same way you did when you had your affairs.

You don't know what he will do. You are guessing.

People come here all the time, every day, trying to fix their M after they find out their spouse had an affair ~ people who swore they would leave if they were ever cheated on, myself included.

Even if he does end up leaving you, you will have a chance to try to win him back and save the M.

But not if you keep up with the lying & deception ~ that is the hardest part for a BS to get over...

Your affair was one of the meanest things you could do to your BH, and your continued lying and covering it up is downright cruel.

Do not KID yourself by saying you are not being mean.

How many is "several"?

Look at this article:



Infidelity: The Lessons Children Learn

My WH knew his mother had a male friend, suspecting an affair, during his adolecense. He told me about it early in our relationship and how much it bothered him and how wrong he thought it was. Well, he himself has turned out to have several affairs and have a severe problem with lying, because he learned it from his mother.

Of course you are dangerous to your children.

No.

Is your husband aware that you look at this friendship as an "emotional affair"?

AND your victim.

Would you honestly accept a rapist who said "My sins are between God and me," while ignoring the plight of his victim? That is exactly what you are doing.

Any priest who would encourage you not to make amends to your victim will have to answer to God someday. And so will you.

"It is a terrifying thing to fall into the hands of the living God." Hebrews 10:31

Does your husband know of your attraction and emotional attachment to this current OM? Does he know that OM is what you "would want in a husband"?

Does your husband know that you share secrets with this man that your husband is not even allowed to know about?

You are a coward. And, as such, you want to run from the truth rather than face the consequences of your sins.

"Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that his deeds will be exposed." John 3:20

Ask any abuser and they would answer the same way. "I'm not mean, I'm not abusive, what I did shouldn't hurt anyone else..."

It depends on how you end the marriage. If you have an affair, don't tell him about it, and try to take the kids and half or more of the marital property, then yeah, that's pretty selfish.

Should you come clean and say you broke your vows and would understand if he no longer wants to be married and you will give him whatever terms he desires because you recognize the hurtful nature of what you did to him and your children, than that wouldn't be mean at all.

It would be most unselfish.

Being honest and giving him the choice are never selfish. Keeping secrets and trying to gain the best for you with him lacking key facts is ALWAYS selfish.

Until you are honest, you are not serious about actually fixing the marriage. As long as you keep a secret from your husband, you don't have a marriage, you have a lie.

I doubt you will find the lie to be fulfilling. You might, it would be disrespectful for me to assume a lie would eat away at you. It's possible you can live with lying to your husband every day. As long as your husband doesn't know, you are lying to him that day.

The wayward, the cheating mindset is not about sex, it's not about emotion, it's about not being 100% open and honest with your spouse. So the cheating does not end when you stop the affair. The cheating ends when you have completed both making contact of any sort with affair partners and telling the betrayed spouse 100% of what you've done.

So you are still to be considered wayward as long as your husband is unaware of what you've done.

violette,

You realize Dr Harley has counseled thousands. Included in those thousands are those who've suffered the death of a loved one as well as those who've been raped.

Those who've suffered those things as well as being betrayed by their spouse will tell you the most hurtful thing they've dealt with is the betrayal by a spouse.

It's not the telling them that is hurtful. It's the betrayal. So don't even try to use what I've said as justification for not telling him.

He cannot even begin to heal from the emotional rape you've inflicted upon him until he's fully aware of the damage you've done with your choices.

To withhold this from him is added cruelty, because he's been wounded and doesn't even know his attacker or the full nature of his injuries.

So if you really mean what you say by telling us you are not mean, prove it with your actions by coming clean and letting him begin healing from a wound worse than rape or the loss of a loved one.

Until you actually tell him, your actions don't match the words you would have us believe.

There have been many stories here where the BS found out about the affair years after. From 1 to 20 years. This has left the BS at loss not because the WS had an affair it's that the BS felt that there whole life for all those years has been a lie since the affair went down.

Even when the affair ended and the WS became the perfect spouse.

They way you found the courage to do the OM. You will find a way to get the courage to tell your BH.

As to the priest and most people that give advice is that they have been trained the wrong way to handle affairs.

I bet your priest feels that the best way now is for you to be a good wife and never tell your BH as would cause the least further harm. Thing is affairs have a way of being found out by the BS.

Of course you don't have a close female friend that you can trust -- because you've been investing your spare time & energy in cultivating relationships with other men. Most women can sense this, and are extremely wary of being around such a woman, because she is a potential threat to their own relationships. As long as you're in your current mindset, the only women who won't keep you at arm's length are women either who approve of your conduct, or who get off vicariously on hearing your drama.

And there is no excuse for cultivating an intimate emotional relationship with another man, where you share confidences. That's exactly what my other woman began doing with me, and I was such an idiot that I listened to all of her BS, and here's what happened: Because I found that I liked being her go-to guy for emotional support, because I enjoyed feeling so needed by her, I quickly shifted from being an objective "advisor" into someone who started reciprocating her compliments & flattery, because I sensed that it would get me more flattery. I listened to her sob stories about how her husband was inattentive, and how she'd reconnected with & slept with an ex-boyfriend from out-of-state on occasion. But she was doing what you're doing: She was subtly letting me know that she was a woman who "would", that she had flexible boundaries. My motives shifted & became impure. His will too, if they aren't already. Keep up with this improper relationship & you'll just end up in a bed with this "just a friend" guy, too, I guarantee it.

Violette, how do you expect to get a return in your marriage, if you invest in this relationship instead of in your marriage? How can you be available to your husband if you're spending your extra time with this other guy? Answer: You can't.

You say you "Ideally would love to be happily married" and that you "have been trying for months and have not made much progress". Can I ask you: How have you been trying? How is meeting up with other men "trying"? How is investing your time in other relationships going to improve your marriage? You haven't been trying, you've been giving up; and rather than having the courage to give up in the honorable way, you've dishonored your marriage vows by being unfaithful to and lying to your husband.

When you're on fire, the first thing to do is to stop spraying gasoline onto yourself. Then you can worry about healing the burns, for you & for your husband.

Look: If you came here expecting a pat on the back & someone who'd say it's OK to (1) continue deceiving your husband and (2) remain emotionally attached to another man who's not your husband, none of us here can tell you those things in good conscience. That's because this site is about saving marriages, and doing those two things will do nothing to save & improve your marriage, and instead will only make things worse for you as well as your husband.

But there's a way out. No, it's not an easy way -- but nothing worth having ever comes easy. Here's what you need to do to start:

(1) Get the book "Surviving An Affair" and read it, cover to cover. It's a book that may well have saved my marriage (and I don't get paid a cent for saying so, and I'm here typing to you for free on my vacation time).
(2) End your current emotional affair. Tell this man you can't see him or talk with him any more, because you want to focus on saving your marriage.
(3) Come clean to your husband & tell him you want to rekindle your love for him & have the kind of marriage you wanted on the day you got married.
(4) If you can't bring yourself to do the above, then the next least-dishonorable course of action is for you to divorce your husband.

That there is all the advice you need to get started.

Isn't that his choice? You are tricking your husband into not leaving?

Is that honest?

It would be HONEST.....and 100% Honesty is one of the cornerstones of a real Marriage!!!


NO IT'S NOT!!! Go read Dr. Harley's books!!!! You are WRONG!!!


You AND your Husband need to read ALL of the MARRIAGE BUILDERS books!.......and get the Home Course and WORK on your Marriage!!

WAKE UP AND SMELL THE MARRIAGE!!!!!

I couldn't agree MORE!!

My Wife is depressed now EXACTLY for those reasons!!!!!

I had to wait at work all day before I could get in my thoughts here.

I just want to know Violette how it is you plan to look at yourself in the mirror anymore, because I think you aren't being in any way at all honest about what the priest told you.

Let me put your quandry in another perspective for you. Because of the nature of my profession, I'm comfortable w/medical analogies.

You are in a very bad car accident, but you get up, get out of the smashed up vehicle and walk away. Needless to say, you are taken to the emergency room, where a doctor orders different types of exams on you. You get a ct, mri, and alot of xrays. The doctor comes in and does alot of smiling and nodding but you still are so shaken up by what has happened to you, that you feel something is odd. In fact you FEEL off yourself still.

The doctor analyzes your test data, and determines in fact, that while you might be sore, and feel "off" that you're really seriously ill. You have suffered internal injuries and are internally bleeding. But you don't know it.

What if your doctor REFUSED to tell you the status of your health? What if the doctor or nurse didn't treat you for the injuries you were suffering from? What if you didn't get the right therapy at all? What IF the doctor thought you DID NOT DESERVE TO KNOW the extent of your own injuries.

Would you be mad at the doctor or nurse for DELIBERATELY NOT TELLING YOU HOW BAD THINGS WERE? Would you be mad you WERE NOT GIVEN A CHANCE TO SAY WHAT YOU WANTED TO DO WITH YOUR LIFE AND HEALTH?

This is like what you're doing to your husband each and every second of each day. You're twisting the knife in his back a little deeper and further in each day. Each day you're carrying a dirty secret and you're also ACTIVELY ENGAGING IN AN AFFAIR with another man (the emotional one you think is "harmless"). A man probably your husband thinks IS A FRIEND. Twist more, dig the knife deeper.

Doesn't your marriage deserve the only chance it has to survive this? Doesn't your husband DESERVE to know the truth about his life, how he has been PUT AT RISK as a husband and have his health put at risk by your reckless and selfish affairs?

How EXACTLY would GOD approve of you lying to your husbanf NOW and forevermore, and mostly how would GOD approve of you carrying on this crazy and beyond stupid affair with a friend? I am SURE you definitely did not tell your priest about that part did you???

You have one option only and if it is to save your marriage and family it is to follow the MB path. It works.

If you don't just know this. In time, your betrayed husband WILL KNOW that you were unfaithful to him and he will find out. We all find out somehow. And HE IS A MAN DESERVING OF THE TRUTH and he deserves to be able to decide if he wants to stay married to you or not and if he wants to work on the marriage or not.

Unless you post back I will not post to you again. You have a slim and narrow shot at success though. If you choose to follow the path of truth, love, and forgiveness using MB there's a good chance your M could survive this and recover. But it won't be easy. It WILL take work...and HONESTY.

Are you going to woman up? BE a good mother and wife? Regain your dignity and honor? For now, sorry to say this, there is nothing separating you from a common woman workin' the streetcorner. YOU are STEALING from your betrayed husband right now and lying to him and skanking around behind his back right now with this "emotional" affair dude who is also masquarading as your husbands' friend.

THIS IS NOT PART OF GODS' WAY.

what i dont get is how anybody can invoke the word of god and forgivness, and try to justify these thngs to themselves...

i could have sworn on some rock tablets somewhere there were these things called commandments...and one of them was

THOU SHALL NOT COMMIT ADULTERY

is that not the word of god.

then you go to seek forgiveness from a human priest and think all is well and that its okay?

i just dont get that.

im not religeous by no means, but it baffels my mind.

Violette,

Your instinct is to run from the website, because you have been told to tell your husband the truth.


I think that is interesting, don't you?


You are so afraid of dealing with your life on the level of the truth that you would rather live the rest of it filled with lies.

What will you do if your husband just happens to find out on his own? This happens, you know. Tooooo often to count.

What happens if your daughter (or one of the other children) happens to be the person who discovers your other men?


What happens if the WIFE of one of your other men finds out about your affairs? AND SHE CALLS YOUR HUSBAND?


Have you considered any of this?


Because any of these scenarios can, and do, play out, Violette. Daily, right here on MB.


In my own situation, my husband and his OW so dearly planned on nobody ever finding out. This was their little plan. What they did not plan on?

That I would find out. I just discovered it by accident one day, purely accidental. I never suspected.


It only takes one big mouth, Violette. And if one other person alive knows about your affairs, then your husband will find out, sooner or later. GUARANTEED.


Now, you can control the exposure, or someone can nuclear bomb your house.


Your choice. But your affair behavior WILL be exposed. And between now and d-day, your nerves will only grow more and more frazzled.



And your marriage will grow more and more disintegrated.



Living outside of the truth simply destroys your life. There is no hope for your marriage.


Make no mistake about this: If you choose not to tell your husband about your affairs, you have no future with this husband. Furthermore, any marriage you walk into after this one is similarly doomed. Why? Because YOU will carry the same issue straight into every relationship you enter - that is, you have no ability to understand that a foundation of truth and honesty is essential to building a healthy and mutually respectful and loving relationship.


SB

4

That is one of the scariest things for me is my kids finding out.

He knows that we spend time together and talk on the phone. I have never referred to it as an emotional affair. It is not romantic. We go to mass together, say the rosary and discuss religion. He is a lot older than me. He is helping me through some of my issues due to abuse. I really am a mess and just need a safe friend. I have gone to my husband with my problems and he has an attitude get over it and stop being so negative.

There was one man that my husband did not want me to be around and I did cut off contact.

Darn. Perhaps that is the first clue that you have made a bad decision- when you are scared your kids will find out.

Let's get serious. Your kids already know something is wrong. And right now? They think they are the problem. And if they don't think that , then they probably have a good idea of what you've been up to.

You made it necessary to tell your children the day you decided to start breaking your vows.

The decision is already made. You made it long ago. Ovary up, and fight for your family.

I would not compare myself to a rapist.


He told me that I caused a lot of damage to my marriage and I need to work on my marriage and gave me advice on what to do.


No


No


I am definitely a coward when it comes to facing problems.

Violette,

We go to mass together, say the rosary and discuss religion. He is a lot older than me.

And does this man knows about your affairs while your H does not? Please bring your H up to the level of awareness this person he does not know has about his marriage.

At the very least your have to tell your H about your affairs so he can monitor himself for Cancer caused by an HPV infection. From your timing 4 men in 6 weeks you may have found them on some adult dating site, and people who frequent those sites are a in dangerous demographic, besides being liars.

God Bless
Gamma

The only reason your H doesn't have a problem with it is because you have lied to him about who you are. He does not understand your dangerously poor judgement because you are living a LIE. You have profoundly poor judgement when it comes to members of the opposite sex and apparently learned nothing from your previous mistakes. So here you are again on the precipice of yet another affair.

You are a dangerous person.

And of course your children should know what you have done. Your vile actions have affected them in every way. They will find out one way or another soon enough.

How many of these men you shagged were married? How many other families have you wrecked in addition to your own?

Violette,

I would not compare myself to a rapist.

But you indirectly forced your H to risk exposure to STDs without his consent, and non-consensual sex is rape.

Let me ask you how you would feel if your H did this to You?

God Bless
Gamma

I do know it hurt the whole family.


So I deal with his garbage for 20 years and I am suppose to through myself under the bus for 6 weeks of being a complete dirtbag. I may sound like a loser but I am the better parent. He will not have full custody of my kids.



By 100%, do you tell all the details. That would not be good.

1

That is because you are in denial. Adultery is worse than rape. Most rapists don't know their victims. You not only know your victim, but you made a vow before GOD to be true to your husband in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. A rapist has no such vows before God.

Here are some quotes from the founder of Marriage Builders, clinical psychologist, Dr Bill Harley:

Does that married man and his wife have any children?

I not sure I would care. I just don't have any feelings for him. I know that is awful which is why I posted here. I want to get to the point where I am not afraid of my marriage working. It is hard to explain but I just want to disappear. I really struggle with this and the kids are what make me at least try to be good.

If your kids find out from you, then you control the information. If they find out because some other man's wife tells them........____________

you fill in the blank.



Same thing goes for your husband.


And, you need to consider how selfish your lying is. Your husband has a right to know the truth of his life. My husband decided FOR ME that I had no right to know he was sleeping with another woman. IN MY HOME.

He had no right to have an affair, let alone decide that I had no right to that information.

He decided FOR ME that "what I didn't know wouldn't hurt me". Really? Meanwhile, his deceit resulted in his complete separation of desire for sex with me. He did not want to spend any time with me. I asked him what was wrong, and he said he didn't see any problem - but I did! Yet, he spent hours away from me, and started arguments over the smallest things, such as me simply asking if the air conditioner was on or off. I was not introduced to others when we met people in public, it was though I was someone he just dragged around as an anchor or something.

He said he saw "no need" to buy 30th anniversary gifts, or even to celebrate for that matter. Wasn't that a waste of money?, he asked....after all, we'd been together long enough, did we need to go to the trouble, we knew each other well enough...

hmmmm

Wasn't I being hurt? His affair lasted "only" four months.


You are currently in an emotional affair, you have stated that this is FINE. You plan to continue this for at least five more YEARS. And your husband is not going to be hurt?

Do you believe your daughter will never notice?


PUH-LEASE. Unless she is blind, she will notice. Teenagers are very astute.

She will not take your side, because there is a thing with teens that makes them understand that cheating is wrong.

Kids her age are not dumb.


My guess is that you are worried that she will hate you.


Violette,
The TRUTH is that your expectation that you can live the rest of your life under this cloud of lies is self-delusional. Do you really expect this to be a success? Even if you were to divorce tomorrow, the lies would hang in the air!!!!!!


So, let's anticipate for fun, okay? What's your long-term plan?

Let's say you hang in there for five years.

You are now in an affair. Most last roughly two years. So this current guy will be GONE, and you will replace him, two more years, and you are then on....

OTHER MAN NUMBER SEVEN, if you count your first FOUR!!!!!!


Is that the plan?


Because emotional affairs ARE affairs, Violette. So five years from now, you are covering at least FOUR sexual affairs, this ONE emotional affair, and possibly TWO MORE EAs.

So you decide to divorce at that time. Okay. Your "reason" for divorce, assuming you continue your lie.

Pick one:
1. I love my husband but I'm not "in love" with him.
2. My husband and I have not connected for "years".
3. I tried, but it just hasn't worked out.
4. We "grew apart".
5. My husband just wasn't there for me.
6. I had at least four sexual and one emotional affairs, and this resulted in my lying for years to my husband, and I just could never be honest with him or anyone else after that. Lying became a way of life for me, and the guilt and shame of what I have done, as well as loss of comprehension of what the truth actually looks like, has changed me as a person to the point where I have no moral compass whatsoever. Now I just cannot begin to accept the consequences of my own behavior, so I choose to blame my husband for our marriage, and would rather divorce him than make a real attempt to face the destruction I have caused and to begin to look for ways to repair our relationship and recover the marriage, which might have been possible - five years ago - had I simply told the truth back then.




My guess is you are leaning towards number 1 right now. By then, you will tell everyone else something between all of them, except the truth....which is the last one.







Violette, the fact is that most marriages can recover from affairs. What damages marriages more than infidelity????


LIES, and the lying behavior that the cheaters do after the affair to try to gaslight and cover up their sins.


Don't make that mistake. You CAN recover your marriage. You need to make the choice as soon as possible to expose your own affair, in the most loving way possible, to accept that the affairs were your choice (not the result of depression or any other excuse), and you need to accept that there will be negative consequences of your affair.

You also need to accept that you need to make changes to yourself - and you need to be very hard and factual about yourself in this regard.

Finally, you need to read here and learn everything you can, and FAST, because when you tell your husband about your affairs you need to stand ready to offer him this website as a resource to help him, and your marriage, as a place to come to help recover from your damaging behavior.


You CAN recover your marriage. All is not lost. YOU CAN RECOVER your love, your passion, and your husband.


The very first step? You MUST STOP ALL CONTACT with your current affair partner. Your emotional attachment to your current other man must be cut off immediately.

Today.

Now.

No. Excuses. RIGHT NOW>......NOW.


SB

3 - all grown up. I think the youngest was 19 years old. I was his third affair.

My husband and I do not fight. So the kids are not going to think there is a problem between us.

I think it is one thing to tell my husband but my kids? That's crazy. They will not run into any of the men I have slept with. They don't live in the area and they don't know my real name.

What do you need, Violet?

Are you here to waste our time again tonight?

It was only one married man and when I stopped seeing him, he moved onto another woman. So chances are she would find out about her but not me.


We don't fight. We just don't communicate. We have a very good sex life. I have a slight sex addiction problem so we have sex often.



That was cruel.


I can see your point but I was still attentive and taking care of my husband during the affairs.

My daughter likes him and it is not sexual. It is just a friend.




Yes - she would side with my husband. She is close to him.

More worried that it will cause her to act out and get in trouble with boys. Right now she is very religious, a tom boy and a straight a student. I don't want that to change.


I am just not ready to tell the truth.


It is definitely not 1. I don;t love my husband. I would probably tell people that it is none of their business.



I will read everything on the site.

Thank you for sharing you experience and taking the time to try and help me/

I think I need time to read through the website and think things through. I have family visiting from another state right and have busy but I really want to read the articles and suggestions. I am feel the situation is hopeless and just am unsure what I will do.

In the beginning it was very tough to live with myself.

I have not met with the priest since I started the emotional affair.

[[color:#000099]Of course you don't have a close female friend that you can trust -- because you've been investing your spare time & energy in cultivating relationships with other men. Most women can sense this, and are extremely wary of being around such a woman, because she is a potential threat to their own relationships. As long as you're in your current mindset, the only women who won't keep you at arm's length are women either who approve of your conduct, or who get off vicariously on hearing your drama.

[/quote]

I had a hard time with female friends before the affairs. I think it is more my personality.

There is nothing more to read and you don't need more "time." That is just a delaying tactic. Yes, it is hopeless if you continue to lie to your husband. You know the right answer and are wasting valuable board time that could be devoted to someone who is serious about saving their marriage. The board has nothing to offer you if you refuse to get honest.

Truer words could not be spoken. Violette, you need to do some MAJOR reading here.

Start with the Basic Concepts. Maybe take 3 days or a week, and get yourself acclimated to MB.

Once you've done that, come and ask questions. I don't want to discourage you from asking questions now, but you'll do yourself a huge favor by reading here. The help that you'll get is invaluable. Know this.

Stick around, OK? But, read the Basic Concepts at a minimum.

I just can't do it.

Let's not get distracted here. There is only ONE thing to read and anything else is a waste of time until you tell your husband the truth. Reading the basic concepts or anything else is a waste of valuable time until that happens:

Thank you for giving me a place to start. I will read it.

A lie. You should say "I just WON'T do it."

So why waste our time if you aren't serious? What do you want?

P.S. I say this NOT to allow that it's OK to to keep "thinking" about what you should do. That would be ridiculous.

My only point is to not continue this thought process...which IS ridiculous. You need to get serious if you actually want help. Think about that. Affair = wrong. Nothing more needs to be said about the reason except that you have terrible boundaries.

What do you want to happen? Excuses? Not gonna happen here. Solutions? Can 100% happen here, but no guaranty. Pick one goal.

Yep. "Can't" and "won't" are a mega-second apart that can't be seen by the human eye.

You WON'T. Face that. Or don't.

I really am staggered by your selfishness in refusing to be honest about what you�ve done.

The things you have done to your husband and daughter are unspeakably vile, yet you remain only concerned about YOU and what will happen to YOU when the truth comes out.

It isn�t "throwing yourself under a bus", drama queen, it�s called telling the truth and thinking of others before yourself. These are behaviours that children are capable of.

Your comment about your husband's shortcomings - in the face of what you have done - are laughable.

I like sex and a clean house too � does this mean that I deserved to have my heart pulverized by the person I trusted most in the world?

Reading your post makes me physically ill, and the incredibly vile sexual infidelity isn�t even the worst part. The self entitled "me, me, me, I, I, I, - but what about me" stuff is the really disgusting part.

You say you are entitled to have an inappropriate male friendship because you don�t have any female friends. And because you feel down.

Actually you aren�t. Stop it now.

You say you are worried your daughter will be dishonest or inappropriate with boys, if you are truthful.

She may do one day if you continue to teach her that sneaking and lying is the normal behaviour of a grown woman. Tell her the truth about what you have done, take her criticism of you on the chin and tell her how awful these mistakes are and how they ruin lives. Do it for her.

If you talk about the effects of these revelations on YOU one more time, we�ll know we are just talking to a self entitled wayward.

Right now you are the sort of person who commits adultery and risks STDs using the excuse of depression.

You are the sort of person who blames their partner for their horrific mistakes

You are the sort of person who thinks it is acceptable to lie to their child

You are the sort of person who uses the sanctity of marriage simply as a shelter from the real world, taking whatever 'security' you want without giving anything back.

For the first time since this sorry saga began, do something for your husband and daughter instead of for yourself. Tell them what you have done to them, humbly beg their pardon and make amends. Without any whining.

You can choose to become a �former� wayward, someone who is truly sorry for what they have done and who is honest, by telling the truth to your victims. There is no magic pill to make you and your marriage better without people finding out. They need to know.

violette,

Hi there again, you sound very confused and scared and quite frankly very fogged out emotionally and you are in denial and a state of selfishness.......

If I were you I would read every article on this site, do the questionaires yourself and read all the stories you can on the forum from other experiences and you will see you are not anything special, you are as confused as some other on here before you........
You need to do some self searching first, some honesty about who you are and the way you think.
You need to look at this from what you have chosen to do and not what you blame your husband for.........he is not even aware of what is going on with you, how can you blame him....
You have acted and have been thinking very selfishly this isn't about him this is about you.......
You have to decide to be a better person, make the changes and be totally accountable for your actions, you have to be totally honest and start a new relationship with your husband that is going to mean something.......
If you can't do that then walk away and let him find someone that can love him like he deserves, he is a good man........just trying to take care of his family.

This starts with you, the vets are here to help you, they are tough on you because they care about helping you and your marriage, this is a marriage saving site.........If you can take it and let them help you your life will be so much better, you will be at peace with yourself, your marriage will be better and you won't even believe it yourself how good it could be........
But you have to do the work, you have to want it, you have to care whether your husband is happy and his needs are being met as well. This isn't about you.......
You can have your life if you want it alone that is not the issue, if that is what you really want, go what is stopping you, if you want your family and your marriage, do something positive about it...........You aren't perfect why do you expect him to be............Right now you have to change you in order to be the real person that he can love and devote himself to.......
Stop the excuses and get to work, let the vets help you.......they put in countless hours on lost souls that have come out on top and now thrive in their marriages and in their personal lives.............
it's a win win...........
please think about what your next move will be......
it starts with you and only you....

The people here, who are trying to help you, are literally trying to help save your SOUL. They are genuinely trying to help YOU.

These secrets that you are keeping from your BH and DD are harming YOU. They are making you depressed.

When you were a child, what did you dream about? Having a husband who loved you, having a child who adored you, and you loving them too. You dreamed of growing old together. Being HAPPY. Did you ever once say, "I am going to think so little of myself that I am going to have filthy disgusting affairs." Probably not.

Your moral compass is all outta whack here, and these people who are trying to help you, are trying to get you back on track.

Do you believe adultery is wrong? Do you believe that lying is wrong? Did you always?

Violette, I haven't posted to you yet, and I can't really top the advice you've been getting, but felt the need to add my $.02, FWIW.

I'm a FWW. I cheated on my H emotionally and physically. When he discovered the A, I ended it immediately, but I didn't come clean with him. I lied because I didn't want him to find out I'd had sex with the OM. Oh, like you, I had a million justifications for lying. Reasons that, in my warped and fogged mind, I thought were rational and noble. I didn't want to hurt my H more, I told myself. It would crush him. I didn't want to lose him. He'd reacted to the discovery of what he thought was an EA with all the love, affection, attention and romance I'd been missing for so many years, and I knew if he found out the truth, all of that would end, and I selfishly wanted to keep getting my needs met.

I tried to trick him into remaining married to me. That's it in a nutshell. Peachy's analogy about the doctor doing tests, and not giving you the information you needed to decide on the appropriate treatment, is absolutely perfect.

It's amazing the people who think that adultery is best kept a secret. I've had people ask me, even now, why did I tell the truth? They say, "I would've taken it to my grave." No, none of us can sit here and tell you that your conscience will gnaw at you. We don't know you.

You say you want to "fix" your M. I used this analogy once before, and I use it here as a warning:

Imagine you and your BH decide to remodel your house. There are things each of you don't like about it, ways that maybe the kitchen is not set up 'just right' to meet your needs. Perhaps there are parts of the house that have simply fallen into disrepair, and you want to restore it to its former glory.

So you begin your renovation projects. First you begin by tearing out all that is worn, outdated, or broken beyond repair. Then you begin to rebuild, taking time and effort to create something of beauty.

Your BH has left you the job of tearing up the carpet in the living room. When you pull the carpet up, you see that the floorboards are rotten. You know that it will take a lot of time and effort to repair it properly, because rot needs to be completely taken out and replaced with new material. You decide you don't want to take the time, and you make the decision - on your own - to simply lay the new carpet over the rotten floorboards. You think your BH will never find out.

Problem is, the rot spreads. It seeps through the new carpet and leaves stains. You shift the furniture around, move an area rug over in that corner, and smile happily. There, you think. All covered up.

You and your BH complete all your rebuilding and have a showplace of a home. It's gorgeous, everything you ever wanted.

What you failed to consider was that the rot started to smell. Your BH smelled it and became suspicious, and started investigating to find out what was causing the odor. He searched high and low, and finally, under the new carpet in the living room, covered by a rug and a piece of furniture, he finds the rotten floorboards. Now they are so rotten, the floor can barely hold weight.

In mere moments, the beautiful home you built, on a rotten foundation, is ripped to shreds. You have to tear out all the work that has been done because the damage is too severe. The cost of repairs is even greater than the original work, and your BH is crushed, that all his efforts were for nothing. His efforts were wasted because YOU decided what was "best" for your house.

Yes, he may leave you when he finds out the truth. My BH eventually did. He tried to stay, he tried to love me, but I did such a good job for four months of covering up the rot in our marriage that he can't believe there's no more rot there, somewhere.

It doesn't matter how your M was like, pre-A. Once you have an A, the old M is dead. You have to choose to rebuild it, and do it the right way. You have to give your BH the choice to decide whether to rebuild or not, to make a truly informed decision.

You cannot truly say you have repented from your sins, unless you demonstrate true remorse and repentance. You have a chance to do this, whether your M survives the truth or not.

Violet -

My husband "tricked" me like you are doing to your husband.

My husband had an affair within the first year of our marriage, that he decided to keep secret from me for 17 years.

I built my whole life on a lie.

My husband held me back from a life I could've had. He let me make major life decisions based on a foundation of fraud.
He held me hostage.

Keeping this information from your husband is incredibly selfish.
It is the most selfish act I can imagine.

Shame on you.

Even though your marriage ended, you still think that confessing was the right thing to do?

I don't know what to say.

But what is the point in staying in a marriage where you claim to be unhappy and worried about your children if you and your BH divorce. All actions have consequences that are not always what we want and are not pleasant. But as adults you have to take responsibility for your own actions and the consequences that come with it.

It is more than unfair to have your husband live a lie and not be told the truth. He has the right to make his own decisions not you.

What kind of example are you setting for your children? Especially if this comes out eventually and not from you. How do you think your children will view you when they find out you've lied to their father and to them.

I was sexual abuse and grew up with an abusive alcoholic father.

My dreams as a kid where surviving my childhood and move out and never to rely on or trust a man. Because one thing I could always count on is being let down. I survived my childhood but numbing myself with drugs and alcohol starting at the age of 12 years old. So compared to my parents, I am a saint. I am not sure I have respected myself or others when it comes to sex. No I never planned on having affairs.

I guess I am selfish. I only recently starting following my religion. My moral compass is pretty much broke and do struggle with many sins. I guess I learned how to lie and fake it at a young age.

Yes I believe adultery is wrong. I keep secrets but have not had to directly lie. My husband keeps secrets too and I have caught him in many lies. I just ignore them. It is not worth arguing. There is way more trouble in the marriage then just my affairs. I really wanted help on the other stuff but once I mentioned my affairs, it was over. So I will just have to figure out things for myself.

I have only mentioned my daughter because she is my biggest concern but I do have 3 teenage boys. I just can't imagine the destruction that will happen if I come clean.

I do want to be a better person but all my survival instincts tell me that I will be destroyed. I know, drama queen.

What does BH stand for?

I was physically abused as a child as well. It helped me become the person I am today because I CHOSE to rise above it.

I didn't do drugs, I am not an alcoholic and I only have ever had SF with my husband. NONE of "my" issues are important to what I CHOOSE to do today.

There may be other things wrong in your marriage, but if you read here enough, you will hear about something called "History re-write" and that is where you have justified the terrible things that you have done by looking for ANY reason that someone else caused it to happen instead of looking at YOURSELF.

You can only control what YOU do. You are not being MADE to do anything.

Right now, I see someone who is taking the easy way out. I don't see a drama queen, I see a coward. It takes real courage and strength to do something when it is hard. We all have it in us, you just need to find yours.

BH stands for Betrayed Husband.

Yes, it was the right thing to do. I don't deny that I hurt, that I miss my H terribly, and more than anything I want our M, I want him to be my husband. The regrets that I have center on what I did wrong - I regret the A. I regret lying to my H. I regret that I wasn't a better W to him pre-A, that I failed to properly communicate that my needs weren't being met, I failed to comprehend that his needs were different than mine.

I regret that I have lost the love of my life, but I only have myself to blame for that.

It wasn't the truth that caused me to lose him, it was the lies.

And FWIW I'm still trying to win him back. I don't know if I'll succeed, some days it looks mighty grim, but he is worth it to me.

Wulffpack - I wish you could talk to my WW, I really do. She would have some much to gain from your perspective! I hope that you're able to recover your M in the future! A personal word of thanks for continuing to be here, even though it's got to be hard on you.

Violette - you sound like my WW. She too makes excuses and just wants to be 'happy.' It's all about her. Sound familiar? What about your kids? Have you seriously thought about the impact this will have on them? What will they take into their adult relationships? What are you showing/teaching them?

If you have the courage and willpower, you have a chance to recover your marriage but it won't be easy. There's a lot of work involved, but the good things in life usually require effort.

Ironically, I still want my WW back. Right now, she's not the person I fell in love with, married and had a child with. There's an alien in her body now - whether she remains gone forever remains to be seen. If she were to try and come back at some point in the future, then I will have a decision to make.

Way to hang in there Andy.

Violette, Im the BH in my situation, and before my wife told me she was having an affair i would have told her to hit the road. But once you are really dealing with this, things change. All of a sudden i was the husband that wanted to fight to make my marriage better. I have 4 kids that need there parents together and i know that it could of been great, if she would of tried. Sadly tho, she did not want to try at all and WW has pretty much left me with the kids and she just kinda pops in and out of there lives. It is an awful life lesson that they are learning and they are lost without her being home and they hate leaving home to see her. Its so bad that most of the time they are in tears when they do have to see her, because she has changed so much. Your actions and thoughts remind me so much of how my EX ww acts.

It sounds to me like there would be hope for you to work your marriage into something great. But honesty needs to be there first. Good luck.

Not at all. Nobody wants you to knuckle under and submit to a bad marriage as penance or anything like that. No way. One of the steps to a proper recovery is rebuilding the romantic love and making sure BOTH your needs are met.

Dr H says relationships after an affair can not just survive they can THRIVE - I do honestly believe that.

I can't put it any better than WPG's incredibly wise anaology though - you have to tell your husband about the rotten floorboards FIRST. Then he can help you pull them loose and together you rebuild something you both want. He has to do this willingly though (and most BSs do choose to rebuild)

The main thing that makes us BSs run off is the feeling that we are being lied to. The lies really are the worst part. However I am willing to rebuild with my WH - even though he is currently lying to me. Even though I always swore I would never forgive a cheater.

All he has to do is stop lying and become radically honest and transparent before my patience runs out. If he had told me about the affair himself - it would have been so much easier.

Your BH does have the right to end things though, it is important you understand that.

I should make it clear that I am not a vet, I have only been here two months,


But I do know there are steps to the remodelled dream house WPG has told you about.

It's not that we dont care about your other marriage problems. It's just that you're talking about the colour of the bathroom wallpaper when you and your family are about to go crashing through the rotten floorboards.

What if someone tells your BH about the affair tomorrow, before you find the courage? You will miss the opportunity forever.

The first step is honesty

You cant reach the step where you and your husband rebuild a better, stronger marriage together without telling him exactly what it is you're rebuilding and recovering from.

Yes it does go against instincts, but the vets here have recovered their marriages after an affair and helped countless others do so. They have given me stellar advice during the bleakest weeks of my life.

Your instincts told you to fix your marriage problems with affairs.

Their knowledge saves marriages.

Go with their knowledge over your instincts.

Again?

How's that been working for you?

I don't believe you want to be a better person. A person who wants to be "better" does not continue to harm others. Your words do not match your actions.

Are you here to waste our time? Because unless you tell your family the truth you are wasting our time. There is nothing we can do for you if you refuse to tell the truth. Nothing. There are forums that support and condone lying but this is not one of them.

All that "other stuff" is a needless distraction. That is like saying you want to focus on "other stuff" while the Titanic sinks. Focusing on "other stuff" is a waste of time, ours and yours.

Until you get serious you are wasting valuable time that could go to people who are serious about saving their marriages. You only seem serious about continued deciet and fraud. Look around you. These other people are serious. You are not.

We won't help you commit fraud on your husband.

The title of this thread is almost comical:

"fixing marriage after an affair"

I haven't seen one thing, violette, that indicates you are willing to do ANYTHING other than make excuses.

Did you even READ the basic concepts? Obviously not. Begin with the one on radical honesty and then move on to the ones regarding how to recover from an affair.

Please stop wasting our time. Let us know when you are serious and willing to do something other than take the EASY way and we will be here to help you. Good grief!

Ditto on what Melody said.

You will find that YOUR PROGRAM, (the half azzed one) probably won't work Violett. If you do not come clean and choose wisely to be an HONEST WOMAN and stop the serial infidelities around you (and please please don't give excuses as to WHY you felt entitled to cheat, as there is NO EXCUSE TO CHEAT ever)I'll not post to you again, my life IS precious, as are MY minutes alive and I won't waste them further.

Prove me wrong. WOMAN UP!!!

Violette, My story .... well..... here goes.


I hope you have time to read. I am not sure if I have ever even posted the entire thing anywhere on MB in one place. I guess now is as good a time as any.


When I was seven, my older brother began sexually molesting and raping me. He did this over the course of several years, until I was around the age of 10 or 11. I was spared continuation, because he was sent to VietNam. I suppose war is good for some people. While the rest of my family was devastated, I was thanking the God I prayed to for relief.

Meanwhile, back at home, I was also raped by two teenaged males who lived down the block from us. One of them also beat me as I was walking home from school a few days later. I required some medical attention and surgery to the throat. At the time, I was so afraid of my father's rages that I did not report the rape, only the beating. I told my mother.

My father was not mentally stable. I say this now because I more fully understand his condition at this point. He beat me quite often, leaving bruises and contusions that were readily visible to anyone who might have given me a cursory glance. Nobody did. I was often found hiding in my closet, in order to avoid being seen by my father. This was the easiest way to avoid being beaten, because the rule seemed to be that if he saw me, he beat me. Avoid his sight-line, avoid the fist. One time, he shoved my head in a toilet. Another time he beat me for.......having bruises from the beating the day before.

My younger brother was gravely affected by the situation at home. He witnessed so much abuse of me by my father that he wanted to stop and couldn't, that he was severely psychologically damaged. He once witnessed my dad trying to beat me with a kitchen chair, and this became some sort of major psychological event for him. Later in his life, my brother attempted to commit suicide (twice). In one of his sessions, he discussed this chair-beating event as though it occurred to HIM, and not to me. He had psychologically taken my place, to rescue me from my father's hands. This was no ordinary situation in my home, Violette.

And no, my dad did not drink. I often wonder, though, if this had any relationship to his use of medications for migraine headaches. I may never know.

As a teenager, I would pray nightly for the memories of the sexual abuse to just go away. I wondered why God allowed such memories to plague me, why He allowed such things to happen. I was haunted by these memories, daily, hourly, moment-to-moment. God did not save me from them.

I dated a few boys. I was an angry young woman, with a quick temper, but a heart that was also quick to attach. I met a boy and we dated for about three years. It was a terrible relationship. That guy was an alcoholic, and he and I would drink way too much, way too often. And we would argue, mostly because I was insecure, and he was drunk and also angry due to his home life.

Oh- I would love to let you know this....his home life was one where his parents were together "for the kids". They were Catholic, did not want to divorce. The mother no longer loved her husband, and was waiting until the kids graduated because she wanted them to have a "happy home". They divorced as soon as his little sister graduated from high school. The parents never told the kids any of this - but the kids most certainly were aware.

Anyway. We fought often. And this guy beat me regularly, whether I needed it or not. At one point, he threw me out of his car. While it was moving. On Main Street. Before we finally broke up, I actually spent time in protective custody - in jail - because he beat me so badly and the police believed he might KILL ME. And the very next morning, I went back to him. I apologized to him for...MAKING HIM BEAT ME.

The next day.......I met my husband. It wasn't but a day later that I figured out that not only could I leave that guy, but I SHOULD leave that guy. And I did.

Ultimately, I married my husband. I had a one-night stand. My husband had a one-night stand. We were pretty stupid that first few months of our marriage, but we recovered and figured stuff out.

At one point, my husband told me that he didn't love me, he never loved me, and he never would love me. He left me for about three months, and went off to pursue another woman. That fantasy never came to fruition for him. The day after his return to our marriage, he had another one night stand.

I stuck it out with him. For many years, we were okay. I had what I now understand was an emotional affair for about two months back around 1982. I realized what I was doing, and stopped that behavior. My husband had an emotional affair, or a grief affair, or something, with the widow of his brother, when his brother died back around 18 years ago.

We had many years of good marriage. He had a physical affair almost six years ago now. That about devastated me, and nearly devastated him, because right on the heels of d-day we found out that my H had cancer.

So we were recovering from the blow of d-day, only to find out that my H may never be able to have sex again due to his cancer and the subsequent surgery. That his last sexual encounter just might very well have been


the. other. woman.


That is one he// of a d-day.


God was hearing some prayers from this Schoolbus. There were many times that I wondered if He was deaf, so often those prayers were screamed. Just in case.

H recovered from the cancer, thank you very much.


Do I have "excuses" for not telling the truth?
Do I have "excuses" for not doing the right thing for others?
Do I have "reasons" for not connecting with my husband?
Do I have a past to point to for being "the way that I am" and for basically


REFUSING TO CHANGE?



Yeah, I suppose I do, if I were to CHOOSE to anchor myself to the past, and to CHOOSE to take the wrong way out for myself.


I suppose I could do drugs and say, "Well, you know, I was sexually abused as a child, so I do drugs."

I suppose I could become an alcoholic and say, "I drink because I was beaten by my father as a child."

I could cheat on my husband and say, "You know, I had this boyfriend who used to beat me, and I just cannot trust men."


That is all on ME. All of these bad behaviors are my CHOICE. They have absolutely nothing to do with what happened to me as a child, because when I woke up this morning


nobody was beating me
nobody was dragging me by my hair
nobody was kicking me with mountain climbing boots in the crotch
nobody was shoving my head in the commode
nobody was trying to get their dog to....
nobody was....doing anything to me


I control my SELF. I choose where I place my anchors. I choose what I drag with me, and what I leave behind. I have realized that the people who abused me did so because

THEY HAVE PROBLEMS

and not because I have problems.


So I leave them to their problems. I do not drag them with me through the rest of the days I have for living. They are too heavy, and I have but two arms for carrying - and those I love are whom I CHOOSE to carry.



For me, I have been there, and done that. I own that I had sex outside my marriage. I did not do this because I was abused as a child. I did this because I chose to, and I chose to knowing full well that it was wrong, that it went against what my inner voice was telling me to do, that I was making very weak excuses for doing it, that I was thinking of many ways to blame my husband, and that I was trying to rationalize the crappola out of it.

I did it anyway, because I had NO SELF-CONTROL, and did not want to be controlled, either.


I didn't want any "rules" right then. I wanted whatever I wanted. Period.

Schoolbus

Amazing post schoolbus

Warning - whining. I am still working through the details.

Yes - I did read it. And I have been reading through some of the other threads. I have to say it is more scary then giving me hope. Telling my mom, my kids and the OMW. I think my mom already knows. I live in a small town. Everyone would know. The OM has anger issues. The whole thing sounds like a nightmare.

The details would be embarrassing. I had a death wish and was doing some pretty crazy stuff. It was more about the danger, violence, the unknown then the sex. I know I would have to tell my husband but would the kids know the details too.

I have no problem with the NC because it has been over 5 months and I am not interested in seeing any of the men. It actually makes me sick to think about it. Not interested in having a PA with anyone. But the EP and giving out all my passwords would be awful. I would lose all privacy. I have 3 female friends that I talk to on-line that I would not want to share with my husband. Two I can see at the gym but one lives in another state. I have a male training partner that I would probably have to stop training with. I am not even sure I would be allowed to go to daily mass or prayer group since my husband does not like one of the men that also goes.

I couldn't imagine taking a lie detector test.

I am very private and secretive even before the affairs. We don't tell each other where we are going and don't share that much about our lives. I called my husband today to let him know I just got our of Eucharist Adoration and was heading to the gym. That is not like me but I thought I would try to include him in my life.

I like the love bank information. 15 hours a week of alone time with my husband would be difficult. He is a workaholic. His first love is his company. I am lucky to get 15 minutes. We don't even talk before or after sex.

A lot to think about.

School bus - thank you for sharing. I am so glad that God answered your prayers and your husband is okay. Makes my story sound like a picnic.

I do that through most of my 44 years of like, I had choices and usually made the wrong choice. Most of my choices only hurt me. This one hurt my husband and kids.

You are wasting our time and yours, Violet. This is not a place that will support you in your fraud and deceit. Why not come back when you are serious?

What do you want?

Violette,

Do you think a person can't confess an affair without his/her spouse leaving or throwing the adulterer out?

Do you think a person can't be forgiven for an affair?

Do you think a person can't learn to live with the self-inflicted humiliation, can't learn to re-invest in a marriage, can't learn a more mature, realistic and practical way to look at his/her marriage, and emerge better for it?

Do you think a re-born marriage where the spouses are open & honest & transparent with one another, more attentive to one another's emotional needs, and more cognizant of the dangers of poor boundaries & how to avoid them, is not within the realm of possibility for you?

I thought -- or at least feared -- all that stuff. Once. Before I came clean about my affair.

Violette, I hit rock bottom on the day my affair-partner's husband found out about us. For a few moments that day, I was not sure whether I would be alive the next day. (You can read a little about it if you're curious: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2461619#Post2461619 )

I threw myself on God (even though I'd willfully ignored him for the previous 2 & a half months), and bet the house on my marriage. It wasn't fun, especially those first few months. It was humiliating, it was life-changing, it was a huge shock for my wife and the life we'd been living up to that point.

But in coming clean, I gradually got myself out of something, out of a mindset, that could've ruined my life. And I got a second chance; and while I hate that I had the affair and put my wife & myself & my family through what I put us through, I love the marriage my wife & I have today.

There's no guarantee things will work out this way for you, but please know that the chances of your ever building a happy marriage without openness & honesty are infinitesimally small. This is like a surgeon who tries to repair a stab wound, but who sutures the knife-blade up inside the patient.

Please don't go drawing lines too tightly around what's possible if you pursue the path of greater integrity.

I'm done. I'll see if I can delete the thread.

Good idea. Come back when you are serious and you will find lots of help. Until then, you are just wasting our time.

You don't need to warn us you are whining, we can see it without the heads up.

You and your family are the ones being hurt by your inactivity and dishonesty, not us.

You know full well that your being secretive is one of the problems which made it likely and possible you would have an affair. And will likely have another.

If you were not secretive it would not have happened. You need to be totally OPEN and honest. About absolutely everything

If you want secrecy, go be single.

So what if the OM has anger issues, most OM are worthless in some way. People deal with it

Then there's whining about being embarrassed, chatting on line with friends and giving up a male trainer -blah, blah, blah

Are these things really more important than your marriage!!!!

As for the poly, you should be grateful that a tool exists which you can use to put your BH's mind at rest that you are now truthful (should this day ever come for you)

You are supposed to be more than embarrassed by the way. You are supposed to come clean humbly, saying there are no excuses for the terrible things you did. Have the courage to take FULL RESPONSIBLITY, to not be defensive and not blame it on your h not talking to you etc. Which is frankly beside the point.

When are you going to get those rotten floorboards sorted?

When are you going to tell the TRUTH?

That's called lying by omission.

IMO it can be worse than downright lying, because now the person that you're lying to not only has to worry about what you say, he also has to worry about what you're not saying.

My WW claimed she never lied to me, using the same "rule" you're using above. It made matters worse.

Violette, if you don't read what I wrote, please read again what wulffpack_gurl wrote about the floorboards.

Please sleep on it.

I thought you said you didn't have any female friends to talk to ...

That is how she justifies her fraud and deceit of her husband and her children. But, this is all a waste of time because she is not serious. She is wasting our time.

Your life now sounds exactly the same as your life at the time of your affairs.

Want to carry on living like this and have your kids live in such an unhealthy environment with a cheating mother and workaholic father? Go ahead just learn to live with it and understand you made this choice.

Or

If you want to improve life for you and your kids and husband stop making pathetic excuses and do what's right. Tell the truth work with your husband to fix your marriage and teach your kids about honesty.

You only get one life and inmo your wasting yours making excuses instead of acting the right way.

Thanks for sharing your story. I have read all the post and even called my spiritual director about telling my husband. I just am unsure and not ready. He wants me to talk to my priest first. He does feel that I will eventually need to come clean but feels I should get farther along in my recovery first.

I think it depends on the people involved whether or not it can survive.

Have you read wulffpack_gurl's story over in the "Recovery" section? It is a powerful lesson in what can happen when you try to recover a marriage without coming clean at the start.

Ignore this lesson at your peril.

Think hard about it before you try to pull a nice clean carpet over those rotten floorboards, Violette.

God please help you. It seems I can't. I am sorry.

My friend from another state knows but she lives too far to get together and talk. We just talk through email.

I would never tell my two female friends from the gym. They both can't stand my husband and tell me to leave him. It makes it hard to discuss my marriage when someone is always putting down my husband.

I will read through it. I have been reading the different threads.

You won't recover unless and until you stop defrauding your victims. Honesty is the first step, not the last. Any "spiritual" director who advocates dishonesty and fraud is of the WRONG spirit, the devil. Lying and adultery are not of God, but you know that. You are wasting our time and yours as long as you continue to lie and defraud your husband.

I don't think you understand how offensive you are to decent people, Violet, so let me give you analogy so you can understand.

Picture the unrepentant, brazen rapist imposing himself on a group of rape victims. Not only is that horrifying to the rape victims, but very offensive to decent people. That is you. Look around you. This forum is full of people who are trying to save their marriages. And you are here to continue to destroy yours by defrauding your victims. Brazen, unrepentant, vicious....

Your unrepentant deceit and fraud is offensive to decent people. I hope you can understand how it comes across to others here.

A better place for you would be boards that support deceit and fraud. Such as gloryb.com. That is where the other adulterers congregate and talk about how to trick their victims.

Vio,

Your dishonesty toward you husband is not about your husband. It's about You and only You. You simply don't want to face the consequesnces. Sheesh. It's no more complicated than that. The sooner you see that, the better.

You are living a lie, deceiving everyone around you, and lying to yourself.

When the people around you eventually connect those dots, and they will, you're going to be in a world of hurt far worse and far more reaching than where you think you are today, lady.

Eat a bullet today, or eat a bomb 12 months from now. Choose your weapon. Choosing neither is not an option, BTW. As the song says, "not choosing is a choice".

Good luck with that strategy.

You don't need a spitual director to tell you how/when to tell the truth for heavens sake

Does he tell you how to not steal, how to be kind to others, how to say please and thank you as well?

It is a very simple life skill Violette and you know how do it.

Start doing it this instant and stop lying.

We cannot help you if you will not help yourself

I've been wondering something. Who is this "spiritual advisor" and what qualifies him/her for this role?

Ditto.

Why can't they stand him?
I think it's because you are always telling them how bad he is.

This is the logic behind your justifying your affairs.

These responses by you show you are learning that the way you have been living your marriage is wrong. Admitting the affairs were wrong. Never reaching out during the day with a call, now you are. That you have to give up passwords, transparent, no place for secrets between H and W. Boundaries are good this is why you know it's wrong to have a male trainer, stay away from men your BH does not like.

There have been many an affair started where the first time the preBS saw the preOP there was a sense of dislike/distrust for them. The preBS's 6th sense was pegged on full danger.

Their preWS ignored the advice for them to stay away and became a WS. Damage done when it could of been avoided.

And edit to add you are admitting you have failed to meet 15 hours UA time. Your making progress.

Any "spiritual advisor" who advises her client to lie and defraud her husband is of the dark spirits. Certainly not of God.

Whoever says �I know him� but does not keep his commandments is a liar, and the truth is not in him, 1John 2:4

Geez i swore I would NOT come back but...

The reason you have FRIENDS who also detest your betrayed husband Violette, is because THEY ENABLE YOU to do the vile things you've done and ARE doing.

They are not friends of your marriage.

FIRE the damn spiritual advisor. FIRE your half baked friends. Woman up now. Or you WILL feel the FIRE when one day your betrayed husband finds out your little secrets.

Little secrets have a way of growing, ie the snowball effect. It won't be long before it is a giant snowball causing an avalanche.

NOW WOMAN UP. Quit wasting time with excuses. AND I WILL NOT ALLOW MY PRECIOUS TIME TO BE WASTED writing to you again, unless you WOMAN UP.

Again, WOMAN UP.

If not, you can always hit the "log out" key and go visit that skank ho site that Melody suggested to you, should you want to remain a skank.

As you are now, there is NOTHING different from you than a common street ho working the corner. Why? YOU are stealing money from a man(your husband), sleeping with him to get it, and USING him to make your life comfortable. Meanwhile, you're "working it" with that "friend" of yours on the side and had other guys out there whom you got with before.

So tell me...what IS THE DIFFERENCE? Where is the honor? You are NOT honoring your marriage behaving like that.

and I suspect there is a REAL reson why you won't tell yet. That is because if you are THE SELFISH wayward I think you are, and you leave him, you KNOW WITOUT A DOUBT how hard the courts will come down on your butt with regard to custody. Courts do not like bad mothers or fathers.

And it's funny. Violette, a lawyer who is worth his/her salt, will usually FIND OUT if the opposing party IS CHEATING or not. You see in many states, including non fault states, the judge is still INFLUENCED by all the bad that goes along with affairs: squandering of joint monies/assets, bad parenting, negligent parenting, deceit, etc.

So you can run...but it's a matter of time before you're found out. I say take the HONORABLE route and try like hell to save your marriage before YOU CANNOT YOURSELF be saved.

violette,

I see that you are contacting your emotional affair partner for advice on telling your husband about your affairs.


Read what I wrote again, and I believe you will see exactly how illogical that is. If not, I will change just a couple of words, and see what you think then:

I see that you are contacting your bank robbery partner for advice on telling the police about your bank robberies.

NOW do you get it?



Your emotional affair partner is unlikely to point you in the direction of the moral and ethically correct path, violette.


Furthermore, if your EA partner has any feelings that mirror yours, he is also exhibiting some cloudy thinking, and will also have selfish bias in his advising you. He will do exactly what HE WANTS, and that will be anything that prolongs his affair with you, and increases the likelihood of your remaining in contact with him.

You have expressed concern that your husband's having your passwords would remove your "secrecy". That is exactly the POINT, violette. Let me try to explain to you part of the reason why your marriage is in the toilet.

You and your husband do not communicate about basic events in your lives. You don't even tell one another where you are going on a routine basis.

Let's face it - when two college roommates share a dorm room, even those two people generally say where they are going when they leave. It is called "common courtesy". The roomies look out for one another, if only so that if something happens, somebody else at least knows a general information about their whereabouts or plans, for crying out loud. You are saying you two don't even share this?

Your children KNOW. Your mom already knows, trust me. My hunch is that your husband suspects.


Anyway, on about the issue of your marriage. You two don't talk about common daily events, and basically operate independently of one another. That independent behavior creates distance, violette. It creates a sense of emotional distance, even if you are meeting in the bed for sex. Sex becomes routine, and there is no emotional connection, because the rest of your life simply is not "shared".

You don't talk, you don't have mutually shared affectionate opportunities, you don't have romatic engagements, you don't have recreational companionship or conversations. Basically, what your marriage becomes is two people who share bills, a house, and food in a fridge. Sometimes bodies bump.

Emotional needs are not met. Is it any wonder that you become lonely in such a situation? Do you see why your husband pulled away? Why YOU pulled away?

Who is to blame, really? BOTH of you. This is a mutual issue, and it happens over time. This did not happen because of one thing, one day, one moment. It happens over time, because we lose focus on one another. It happens too easily, violette.

We work too many hours, we are stressed, we are too tired, we have kids and housework, our parents get sick, somebody has surgery, etc., etc., and before we know it we have lost too many hours from being together, and we settle into a routine of being "on our own".

And then we find we selfishly guard that alone time. Because it is easier to just not bother with having to meet anybody else's needs. We are selfish creatures by nature, and while we WANT others to meet OUR NEEDS, we are kind of lazy about being too giving. Even when giving might make others want to meet our needs, we still are cranky about being givers.

Then, when we are in this middle of this steady downhill slide into becoming independent and selfish, we just start finding it very easy to blame our spouses for things being the way they are in the marriage. It is very easy to see what is wrong with other people, violette. I find it easy to point the finger at others, and I'm pretty sure that others find it easy to point at me.

Your marriage went downhill the same way too many marriages go that way. It's happening to other marriages right now.


Only what happened in your situation was that you decided that you would look outside your marriage for consolation and enjoyment. You wanted something...an emotional need met...that was not being met inside the marriage. And you had long since decided that you were entitled to something "more".

When the opportunity came along, you made the decision to have an affair, and that:

1. your husband wasn't a good husband right now and hadn't been for a long time; he had essentially checked out of the marriage
2. what your H didn't know would not hurt him
3. you would probably end up divorced anyway, so what difference would this make
4. maybe your H has already cheated on you, so he might not even care
5. your H never paid any attention to you anymore, so he probably wouldn't care anyway
6. you deserved to be "happy"


There are probably a dozen others I could list. You probably "justified" your behavior and reasoned it out for yourself in a myriad of ways.

The truth is that the state of your marriage at the time of your affair was the fault of both you and your husband.

BUT YOUR AFFAIRS ARE YOUR OWN FAULT, violette. They were a choice, and your current emotional affair is an ongoing sin (as defined by your own religion).

So to return to the matter of your concerns over "secrecy"? Your concerns are that you want to keep your affairs secret, your passwords secret, and your independent behaviors secret.

Your affairs cannot be kept secret, because they erode the very foundation of the marital house. Your house will crumble under their weight.

Your passwords cannot be kept secret, because they protect communication avenues by which you contact people who can support you in your affair behavior, and also you will continue to spread information about your husband which is colored by the clouded thinking you are using right now. You are deep in the fog, violette, and have some really bad judgement - look only to your behavior of sleeping with four men to validate that statement.

Your independent behaviors, right now consisting of meeting with an affair partner, must not be kept secret. Your husband must be your support network, he must be the person to meet your emotional needs, to be your recreational companion, to meet your sexual needs, to meet your conversational needs, to meet all of your needs - because THIS is the way to "fix your marriage"


which answers your thread question


AND IT ALL BEGINS WITH THE CONCEPT OF



RADICAL HONESTY



I PRAY THAT YOU HAVE READ THAT........



Schoolbus

About my female friends. I use to only say positive stuff about my husband. I pretty much had him on a pedestal. When I switched my attitude and told them that I felt he was cold, controlling and I was tired of the fact that he treats me like an employee and an idiot. One of them said that it was about time I see my husband for the axxhole that he is and now I can finally get healthy. That I am a screwed up mess that is constantly controlled and manipulated by the people around me and it is about time I opened my eyes.

Anyway, she continued to tell me that I was a loser over the next few weeks so I stopped discussing things with her and I certainly didn't tell her about the affairs.

The other female said that I am young enough and pretty so my husband can easily be replaced. Not exactly the best support system. I really don't make female friends easy and not the best kind. My friend that I take to on the internet, also cheats and is an physically and emotionally abusive marriage so I can be honest with her. Our husbands are a lot a like so it is easy for us to encourage bad behavior.

I will not discuss the spiritual director. I don't care about what you think about me but he is a very good man and helped me through a very dark time. He got me to stop all contact with the men, go to confession, gives me reading material and a name of a therapist. He makes sure that I am behaving when my husband is out of the country. Double checks if I am losing it. He lets me make my own decisions but does try to get me to talk to my husband and to try to get marriage counseling.

I am out of time. I need to head out but will respond to schoolbus and road when I get back. Schoolbus your post is so accurate it is scary.

melody - I think the right thing to do is let the thread go because I am not here to hurt anyone but I just keep getting drawn back in and can't keep thinking about what has been said on the thread. I haven't been sleeping well so I know I am not at peace with my current choices.

Violette, if you won't discuss the so-called "spiritual director," then let's take a look at your so-called "friends."

I urge you to get a copy of a couple of books - one is "Love and Respect" (Eggerichs), the other is "The Respect Dare" (Roesner). I don't believe either conflicts at all with Dr. H's writings, as the concept of respect, as the authors explain it, is very similar to the EN of admiration for men. MY H and I did a Bible study using Eggerichs's book, and it opened my eyes as far as how to properly communicate with and show respect to my husband - well, truthfully, it showed me what I was doing WRONG. Roesner's book helped me to demonstrate respect to my H in ways that he could understand.

The reason I recommend these is b/c one of the items that the books deal with is how women, when we get together, tend to vent about our H's. We complain, we commisserate...we're not really asking for advice, we just want to b*tch. Men tend to be "fixers" of problems, women tend more towards empathizing. A man doesn't want to hear you moan and complain, but bring a man a problem and ask him for help fixing it, and that's where he will shine. My eyes were opened to how much time I spent whining about my situation, or listening to my GF's complain about their H's, and I finally "got it" - how utterly disrespectful that sort of behavior is.

Why do we not tell our GF's about the wonderful qualities of our H's? Is it to garner attention and sympathy? Do we want support for seeking "happiness" at whatever cost? First off, my GF's sound a bit different from yours, as never has someone I consider a friend called me a "loser," nor would anyone who called me a "loser" be considered a friend. Even still, I avoid discussing my M with them b/c of several things.

One, none of them understand what happens to a BS after an A. I can't pretend I understand everything either, as a FWS, but what I've learned here has given me perspective. Two, none of them know my H like I do. For years they heard me complain, instead of talking about the wonderful qualities he has, and so even now they minimize the good. Third, your friends - true friends - DO want to see you happy, and that, combined with a limited understanding of marital recovery, can be deadly for a marriage.

You should not have any friends who are not a friend to your M. ANy friend who supports your infidelity and dishonesty is not a friend at all!

That said, none of this advice is of any use to you unless you truly, with 100% effort, embark on a journey to recover your M, and that begins with complete honesty to your H. Yes, you can look at my sitch and say that honesty cost me my M, but that's a fallacy of reasoning. Honesty did not cost me my M. I destroyed my M because I was unfaithful and I lied like a rug about it.

Your H has no idea of the evil that has taken root in your M. Honesty will set him free, free to either restore your M and be a H who will meet your ENs, protect you, and cherish you, or free to live a life that is not based on a lie.

If you're dwelling on the things that have been said here to you, if you're having trouble sleeping, then that is an indicator that you have a conscience, and you know that what you are doing to your H is wrong.

I really can't give you any more advice than that. If you want to come back to this thread and get serious about saving your M, serious about giving your very soul a chance, then I will be glad to help, but until then I feel like what I say is falling on deaf ears. Maybe it will help one of the many lurkers we get on the boards.

I will discuss your [dark] "spiritual" director. He advocates lying and defrauding your husband. If he were a good man he would have told your husband a long time ago. Sorry, but that is not of God. His leadership is of the wrong spirit. And you won't be able to use your "spiritual" director as an excuse for your deceit. You are 1000% responsible for committing fraud on your husband. You are responsible. Saying some fool told you it was ok to lie and deceive will not absolve you of that reponsibility. It is NOT OK to lie, Violet. That is not of God.



And there is a reason you are not at peace. Because you are in a fallen state and are cut off from God. You can't reconcile from God with lies on your lips.

The right thing to do is to let this thread go if you are not serious. If you are only here to get support to deceive and trick your husband you are in the wrong place, lady. You won't get any support for that here. If you are serious about telling your husband the truth and doing the right thing, you will get lots of help. But this forum is not here to support liars and cheaters. It is inappropriate to ask for such help here.

I know spouses who have actually given up their faith over churches that advocated such fraud. Can you imagine what your husband will think of this church's complicity in your crimes when he finds out? Your dark "spirit" advisor has become an accessory to your crimes. You are the bank robber and he is the get-a-way car driver.

Your dark spiritual advisor needs to consider that when he advises you to sin against your husband. Your husband will likely be enraged when he finds out this fool helped you trick him. How will your husband feel about the church when he finds this out?

Suggestion: if you are serious about doing the right thing instead of the wrong thing, go to this fool and tell him you are going to to do the right thing and tell your husband the truth. Ask him to support you in doing the right thing. I was going to suggest to bring him along but I think that might be a bad idea.

True repentance can only come from telling your husband the truth. And yes, you CAN do that.

Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that their deeds will be exposed. 21 But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what they have done has been done in the sight of God.
John 3:20-21.

Violette,


Stop lying.

No excuses
No fears
No running to bad friends to be absolved.

You asked for a plan, you got one.

Stopping lying is step one.

Everyone is getting bored, frustrated and offended by having to repost the same simple, honest advice over and over. I am an inch close to stopping.

violette,

Your desire to "let the thread go" is there because you have a desire to run from the truth.


In a sense, we all want to run from that which shines a light on the darkest underbelly of our ugliest self. We do not want people to know about our sexual promiscuity because it is ugly. We do not want people to know we have used illegal drugs because it is shameful. We don't want people to see us shoplift because it is sinful. We don't advertise our robbing banks because it is illegal and has bad consequences.

We do not want others to judge us negatively. We do not want to suffer negative consequences for our bad behavior, even when we acknowlege that our behavior is indeed bad!

Studies show that children as young as the age of two will lie to cover behavior they knew to be wrong. Imagine - we humans learn to lie by the age of two.



You have come to lie fairly naturally, violette. It is not due to abuse. Nobody could claim that normal two year olds have all been abused, and that is why they lie. Nope.


You are lying to your husband for many reasons.

First, let me tell you "thank you" for saying that my post was so accurate it was scary.

Let's talk about your lies. I want you to understand yourself a bit, so you can consider moving past the lies.

You have to understand that I know you could lose your husband, and that you worry about custody of your kids. Think also that your kids are teenagers, and in most states teenagers actually CHOOSE which parent to live with. Anyways...


Lies. There are basic reasons for lying behavior. Yours are fairly mundane and classic. I don't see anything unusual behind your lying about your affair. Here are your motivations, in a nutshell:

Not in any particular order, BTW

1. Fear of being judged negatively by your husband, and his revealing this to the rest of your family, and their consequent negative judgement.

2. Fear that your husband will immediately leave you, and summarily file for divorce.

3. Fear of the loss of the respect and love of your children, and that they will choose to support your husband as the result of your behavior.

4. Financial issues.

5. Fear of uncertainty of how the family might work if there were a divorce; how would weddings work out, where would you live, logistics of a divorce itself and the immediate needs you would face, trying to explain this situation to everyone, etc. Just the overall initial drama and fallout would be very difficult.

6. In the event that your husband elects to remain married, fear that this would involve a great deal of work, and that you are not sure that this is even what you want at all. Fear that your husband is not the person you want to remain married to, that he cannot "change", and that you have not loved him for a long time and probably cannot love him again even if you tried. Fear that you and your husband could not get past the affair business, and that it would be held against you for the rest of your married life.



That's just a few reasons for continuing the lies.



Here are a few reasons for telling the truth:
not in any particular order

1. You and your husband could talk openly about the state of the marriage prior to your affairs, how the marriage got to be what it was, and actually discuss HIS feelings about the relationship, as well as yours.

2. Your husband could tell YOU what his dissatisfactions were with the marriage. At this point, you know yours, but have little to no input regarding his point of view - except your own assumptions and disrespectful judgements about his.

3. Your husband and you could make informed decisions regarding the future of the marriage, based on complete and accurate information about the true history of the marriage. And this could be done together - not unilaterally, which you are currently doing, with the input of people who are NOT IN THE MARRIAGE, and with people who are getting only BIASED information, from YOU.

4. Your husband will be afforded at least a fair opportunity to CHOOSE to change, to CHOOSE to recover the marriage, or not, based on complete and truthful information. He may not realize the truth of his life. He may very well feel that his marriage is stagnant, that his wife has grown away from him, that he is lonely, that he wants "more"......and that he is searching and lonely for that woman he used to be married to.

and has not been able to connect to for a long, long time.




Your husband may very well be wondering how to save his marriage.



And you are out there looking OUTSIDE the marriage

and ignoring the one person who may be capable of helping save it.




There are only TWO people in your marriage.

You.
and
Your Husband.


Both of you need the truth in order to make reliable decisions.




When the two of you sit down to put this marriage back on the tracks, what would you do if he said,


"Six years ago I had an affair with four women".



I'm just wondering.
Because that could happen to you......or to him. One day, it WILL happen to him - the number of years or months will change, but it will happen.


You control when he finds out, and how he finds out.

Or, you might be the recipient of the news, because the environment in your marriage is obviously ripe for affairs. YOU are creating that environment. I am warning you for this, because the first half is done - your affair.


I hope your husband has better boundaries than you have.


You need to talk to your husband.



Schoolbus

Here are the main issues:

1)You say NO to exposing your nasty affair to your husband.
2)You say NO to firing this very unwise and dark "spiritual" helper, whom I suspect really IS your emotional affair partner...
3)You say NO to ending your emotional affair.

EXACTLY HOW are you applying the new knowledge of MB if your answer to the key problems going on is NO?

EXPLAIN THAT.

Are you going to quit lying and DO WHAT YOU ARE NOT DOING NOW. End this life charade.

Today there is another WW that was afraid to tell her BH the truth.

She was afraid he husband would leave.

Today is the day she told her BH about the affair.

Her BH is not leaving her. He is hurt. He is staying with his WW.

I am still on the fence about telling him. I do think that I will not be able to have a happy marriage while keeping it secret. But I am a planner. Chances are (at least in the beginning), he will throw me out. So I need a place to live and the only two places are male friends which of course would not help the recovery. So I need a job and a way to support myself.

Who do I turn to when things get rough (which they will) if I end my friendship (which is not sexual and is not going to turn sexual)? Family is not really an option. They will most likely side with my husband.

I do not think my spiritual director is giving me bad advice.

I haven't applied anything yet. I am still thinking and planning. I am reading about EN and EP and NC. Reading logs of WS and BS. Trying to see how to implement them in my life what changes I need to make. Do I think they will work? Can I do some of them without my husband. Is the pain worth it to try to save the marriage? Am I better off alone or in the prison that this plan creates? What do I owe my husband? What do I owe my kids? How does God fit into this plan? Should I just divorce and file for annulment? I will have to come completely clean in the annulment and my husband will read everything I did in my childhood and marriage. I actually feel like things are getting more foggy then clear.

My husband does not have a problem with my training partner. We went to dinner with him and his wife once. They like each other. I just was thinking about the no opposite sex friends policy.

I stopped seeing the man that my husband did not like. Though I did not have feelings for him, he had started to become controlling and was not helpful for my marriage. I see him occasionally at the gym and at mass but told him we are no longer to discuss my marriage, job search or anything negative in my life. It took him awhile to stay within the boundaries but now keeps things light.

Forgot about this line. My husband may be working in a different country so will not be around for 15 hours a week.

As BH, the best thing that could have happened to me was my WW being 100% open and honest about both her affair and her unhappiness.

Instead, she continued to lie until, I believe, she felt she had not choice to become completely detached and could see nothing other than divorce as the solution to her problems.

She didn't realize there was forgiveness and love on the other side of her coming clean with the truth. She was unable to see that in the fog of her affair and divorce.

She got the divorce she wanted. But it wasn't because she wasn't loved. It was because she didn't love herself enough to decide she was better than the lying she was living.

Affairs are living a lie. The only way the lie ends is if it is replaced with the truth. The truth is not a secret, but an open discussion about what has happened.

As long as your husband doesn't know, you are still living the lie of the affair and you still expose him of the abusive, emotional rape of that affair.

To withhold information like this from your spouse is to continue to emotionally rape him.

You've read the articles. It doesn't matter what you claim he's done to you. Even if it is true, is that ever justification for your behavior?

No!

So when will you quit wasting everyone's time and come clean with your affair and start the plan to rebuild a marriage you both enjoy?

You have the choice, come clean, which is your only chance to build a solid marriage.

You can just leave, give up, never telling him.

Or you can keep quiet and muddle along until he finds out, or until you are consumed from the inside by your guilt over what you've done.

I suspect he has no idea not only about the affair, but how you feel about him? These crimes, which are very real in your mind, both the one's you've committed and the one's he's committed are probably only known by you.

How do you build the marriage you want if you are keeping secret both what you've done and how you feel about his behaviors?

You can't.

You cannot in good conscience just focus on his bad behavior, glossing over your affair.

Nor can you just come clean about your affair.

It ALL has to be on the table in order to build a romantic marriage.

Who knows, maybe he wants what you do, and this would be the wake up call he needs. Maybe you telling the truth would tell him how serious you are about creating a good marriage with him.

But if you don't want to do that, then be honest, tell him.

Leave out the DJ's about you being a better parent. Likely he is better than you in things, you are better than him. Stop discounting his contribution or talents. Instead, why not find the positive in his different strengths, instead of just saying he's not as good a parent.

Besides, I'm not convinced you are in any position right now to judge the parenting skills of another. The fact that you had an affair, and the additional fact that you are unwilling to be honest about it, doesn't provide me with the confidence that you are a good and accurate judge of your husband.

Finally, you are the only one here, so any discussion of his behaviors, actions or reactions carries ZERO weight with respect to what the MB plan directs in terms of recovering from an affair.

The first steps, that cannot be skipped are no contact and telling your betrayed spouse about the affair.

You've been here over a week now, IIRC, so what is taking so long to begin to do the right thing? It's not going to change. It will not get easier with time. In fact, it will get harder to do the right thing.

The news will not get any better for him. In fact, the longer you wait, it will likely get worse for him.

I see no benefit to you or your family by delaying one more second with respect to coming clean about your affairs.

You continue to carry the burden of your actions and you delay healing for yourself and for your family as long as it's still a secret.

How does that help anyone?

You are wasting our time and yours by posting this fogbabble. There is nothing to be said unless and until you decide to tell your husband your truth. Regardless of what your [dark] Spirit Advisor says, lying and fraud is not of God.

Why are you wasting our time?

This is a sham, though. Neither your husband or the man's wife know you are an unrepentant adultress and liar. That is why they have no problem with this emotional affair. You are dangerous but they don't know it.

I am either the typical cheater or you are good at reading people. Fears are spot on.

The problems about the list of what might happen seems like a fantasy. So much work for a man I feel nothing for. It would be for the kids. And they will be out of the house soon anyway. And no my husband does not love me either.

He could easily have affairs. He travels all the time, works late and does not tell me where he is. I never contact him at a work number. Just his cell phone so he could be anywhere. Women call the house and cellphone and he goes to business dinners with women alone. I really don't care. If he left me for another woman, my problems would be solved. No need to tell.

You think I keep secrets, I am an amateur compared to my husband. He has even bought a home and never told me. Found out when I read the electric bill for an address I didn't recognize. He purchased it 3 months earlier. Told me that he forgot to tell me. He had a lot on his mind. He hides things about the kids, investment, his family and work. We are really not dealing with one liar in the family. Maybe one cheater but definitely not one liar.

Schoolbus has given you some good information.

So when are you going to act on the advice? It will not get easier if you wait.

You will certainly know which of your fears are founded and which are not when you come clean with the truth.

Then you will know.

Right now you are just speculating with yourself, which doesn't do anyone any good.

If he throws you out, you are likely better off for not being with someone who cannot or will not forgive.

If he seeks a path of forgiveness and reconciliation, you both have the chance to grow personally and together.

But things don't get better until you make the move you've been told you need to make.

So what if you get thrown out. You get a job, you get an apartment and you take care of yourself like the adult you are. At least you wouldn't be dependent on a man you don't really like, with whom you are unwilling to be truthful.

Every day you fail to tell, you build up resentment because you feel he holds the cards and you are at a disadvantage. How does not telling help you? It doesn't.

Use the advantages you have. You know what happened and you have a plan here in the MB materials to build a marriage that can last and one you both want.

But you cannot use your advantages until you act and begin the plan. The next step is to come clean. Until you do that, you are at a definite disadvantage.

You are foggy because you continue to lie. Things will not become clear until you stop the lies. Stop lying.

This is my last post until I hear the words 'I told my husband'.

My time is valuable, even if yours isn't. Stop lying your life away.

[GloveOil apes moderator:]IMO, this is a little out of line. The original poster's thinking is certainly way foggy, and she is not necessarily making best use of her own time, and the ramifications of not telling the truth to her husband are still a huge issue that she has yet to confront, but she's not wasting anyone else's time here, because no one is forcing any of us to read her posts. Let's continue to give true advice & continue to do a great job calling BS when we see it, but let's not make it about us, the volunteer posters.

Besides, I'd rather have her here online thinking about what we're saying than hanging out with her older-guy friend or 'spiritual advisor'...

Sorry but I disagree. She is wasting our time. And hers. We need to be realistic about our abilities with someone who is clearly not serious about recovery. And she is not serious. There is nothing we can do with someone who is only here to get validation to continue deceiving her victim.

When a falling down drunk arrives at the AA meeting, they don't tolerate his ranting and raving, they show him to the door because we know it is hopeless. You can't reason with a falling down drunk. In any church that follows the Bible, they show the unrepentant sinner [who refuses to stop sinning] to the door.

As long as this person is not serious, she is wasting our time and hers. This is not the place for one who is committed to a path of deceit and fraud and until she gets serious, she is wasting our time. And I will continue to point that out.

YOu are deliberately planning FOR YOUR PARACHUTE in case the marriage fails BECAUSE YOU CHEATED.

And now you are blaming the victim.

BLAMING the victim, your wayward husband, whom you REFUSE to feel zero sympathy for, or feel for, all you're worried about is REPURCUSSIONS FROM YOUR ADULTERY. You are worried for your own butt and could give a rats' azz about you marriage. You even make it SEEM like your wh is a cheater WITHOUT GIVING KNOWLEDGE OR EVIDENCE. That's kinda really crappy of you imho.

That's like blaming a rape victim for dressing provocatively. Like saying SHE ASKED FOR IT.

AND IT'S NOT AN EXCUSE!!! But you MAKE it an excuse and it don't fly.

You're so fogged out that I bet in 6 months when you read your own words you will be nauseated at them.

Listen, I am definitely 100 percent bowing out to you because you refuse to do a bit of work if it interferes with you crafting your own parachute. It interferes also with you ending your so called "friendship" with this man.

You know something, HAVE YOU TOLD "FRIENDS" WIFE THAT YOU IMAGINE HER HUSBAND AS THE IDEAL HUSBAND AND THAT YOU HAVE BEEN A CHEATER? I bet she would put up the guards and walls around her marriage asap. She would SEE you for the wayward and potential homewrecker you are. YOU ARE A THREAT TO HER MARRIAGE AND A POTENTIAL OW, because her husband (also wayward) is meeting YOUR en's and runnign to YOUR rescue and pretending to be your knight in shining armor.

Btw, IS THE MAN YOU HAD THE AFFAIR WITH MARRIED TOO?

Maybe some others will come to your rescue and answer some of your future questions, but I'm not gonna enable you to keep posting here wasting valuable time of those WHO HAVE DONE THE WORK.

Now go do the damn work or hit that other site Mel told you about and hang with the skank hos.

violette,

You feel nothing for your husband because you are giving nothing.


When it comes to relationships, you will gather a return on the investment in proportion to what you give. It is a simple mathematic proposition.

If you give love, your odds are much higher that the return on the investment that love will be returned. If you learn the way that the other person best receives your investment of love, your interest on the returns goes much higher.


Read LOVE BANK. Invest in his.


SB

My training partner is married and he is not the older man. The older man is not married. One of the men that I had an affair with was married. We have not had any contact in about 3 months. No physical contact since Jan 3rd.

I have read it. I spent 4 hours in the car with my husband yesterday and barely said a word to him. He told a few stories and tried to lighten the mood. I am the problem right now. I am working on it. My family is visiting and will be leaving next weekend. I will not tell him before they leave.

I am not looking for a site to be gentle and condone my behavior if I was a certainly wouldn't be here. But I am making a life decision and I am not going to do it without thinking it completely through.

There is nothing more to "think through." You know that lying and deceit are the wrong thing to do. You are tricking your husband into staying married to you. More time for "thinking" is just a delay tactic.

There is nothing we can do for you unless you make a decision to tell your husband the truth. This is a marriage support forum, not a liar's support forum. This is not the forum for you.

Thank you. I post in several forms and ignore people that I do not feel are worth my time.

All I know is that I am trying to figure things out and I am sorry that it is not on their time table.

I encourage you to take this time to tell him AND your family now.

I believe you said before they would support him. Supporting the marriage would be the best. Enabling or excusing your affair would be the worst.

Seems like a great chance to come clean to a whole host of folks who should know what's happened and perhaps enlist them to hold you accountable for your behavior if they are wise choices to be advocates for a good marriage. If they are not, perhaps they should still know the truth, but not be called upon to do anything but listen to your confession.

Don't let a good opportunity slip away because of fear of looking bad.

They do like my husband. I come from a family of 7. I am the youngest. Everyone is getting together most of the week. It would be too overwhelming. Too many people. I would prefer that my kids enjoy their time with their cousins.

Even if I tell my husband I am not onboard on telling everyone. I can see that my husband is the victim but everyone does not need to know.

Violet, you have this backwards, you are not worth our time if you are here to get validation to continue to deceive your husband. Why don't you go to those other forums? Do they support unrepentant liars and cheaterw? Like I said earlier, there are forums for people like you. This is not one of them. This forum is for marriage building, not marriage wrecking.

Look around you, dear. These people are here to save their marriages and you are here to manipulate and deceive. You are the unrepentant rapist who flaunts his rape in front of rape victims. You do not belong here.

Why not? Your children are also your victims. They have just as much right to know as your husband.

I think it should be between my husband and me. He has every right to tell them if he wants. He will be able to tell whoever he wants but don't expect me to be shouting it to everyone I know.

UNREPENTANT WAYWARD ALERT. I am OUT. I feel truly sorry for your BH, your children and most importantly for yourself.

In the almost 2 years I have been here, you are the foggiest, most entitled and unrepentant wayward I have encountered. Even my own WH is nothing in comparison to you, and he left my children and I to live with his OW. At least he told ME the truth, eventually.

I suggest you re-read the thread and re-read the basic concepts (starting with Policy of Radical Honesty) rather than posting...more than once if necessary.

There is nothing more that can be said to convince you than what has already been posted and by reading the MB concepts.

There is no sense in posting your fogbabble if you don't want to work the program and the program doesn't work without honesty. It's pretty simple actually.

And this doesn't surprise me because it is obvious that the answer to every problem in your life is to lie and deceive. Your moral compass has been broken so long that you just automatically move to that "solution."

But that's not the solution. The solution to adultery is honesty, not more deceit. Your adultery affects your children's lives too and they have a right to know.

I have been where you are almost a year ago. My plan was to stay in the marriage for sake of the kids but try to see if we could work on our marriage in the meantime while the kids are at home and who knows maybe we might actually have a good marriage.

I had an RA about six months after I found out about his two affairs. I felt entitled of having my own A because after all my H committed adultery on me FIRST and besides ours vows were broken anyway. And I hated my H so much, my LB towards him with in the red that I didn't care about him or our M.

It was the LIES & DECEIT that I couldn't handle. I didn't like that he had sex with other women but it was the LIES & DECEIT that was unbearable. OM became my escape.

Anyway, I came here and was told the same thing, that I need to tell my H the truth. BTW advice that's been given to you are truly AMAZING. AMAZING!!! And it's for FREE!!!

I knew that I had to tell my H the truth but I didn't want to tell him right away and was terrified. I didn't want to tell him yet and wanted to find a 'perfect time' to tell him. Which would be NEVER. Anyway, thank God for the advice that were given to me here and the intervention with a stranger I met her on a plane on my way to meet my H for a mini getaway. She gave me the same advice as the people here. I had to do it and I had to tell him the truth that night when I arrived! And I did. My H was so happy to see me when he picked me up at the airport only to tell him the real truth (doing red herring) when we got to the hotel.

It was horrible and it even got worse when we got home. So much so that the police were involved between my H and OM. It was a terrible time. My H stayed and I had to go through withdrawals from the OM and still had to deal with the POSOW at the same time. We decided to work on our M and follow MB plan.

We are less than one year since my H d-day and our M is incredible!!! It's better than I imagined it would be. I never would have thought that I would fall back in love with my H again. It wasn't easy and we are not off the roller coaster yet and it was hard changing our habits but it's gets easier every day.

I just want to encourage you that you CAN have an incredible M. You have to take that big step and GET IT DONE! Don't even analyze it, just DO IT. Take that first step on telling your H the truth.

Your M (and YOU) will not recover until you do that leap. I did it and so grateful that I did.

BTW, I am the most undecisive (sp?) person in the world and I have to make sure I get all my dots in a row before I make my move and I'm a major planner but again, just don't think and just FOLLOW the great advice that you've been given here. I had to take that chance and there was a huge chance that he will leave me but that was the consequences of my actions.

Don't delay, tell him TODAY.

Who?

MB Members

Doc H

My FWW got caught. OMW was looking thru OMs phone and found my wife performing on him on multiple videos. This sets an interesting dynamic in our recovery as if this fluke chance didnt happen, the A could still be in full effect today. Although there are deep emotional and pyschological issues that my wife is working on, I think how so much of the issues we encounter in our recovery could have been less dire is she came clean years ago about her A. And, my FWW knows this.

You are stuck in a downward spiral of foggy selfishness with a sprinkling of self entitlement. Time to bite bullet. My wife lived with what she was doing for years and suffered migraines and health issues we clearly identify with her deceit. Life is so much better for her after she got caught because she, perhaps like you, was stuck in her thing and has wanted out for a long time. Being stuck in an A is a real thing. Ive learned from this site.

violette,

I think from reading your post is that you are in fact planning on telling your husband once your relatives leave, is that correct? That means, after this weekend, your husband will know.

You have work to do between now and then. You need to bring yourself to a VERY clear understanding of how you are in a fog, and how you are not understanding how your feelings toward your husband are in a negative situation because of how YOU treat HIM.


Yes, this is the case. You had an opportunity to have simple, casual, nice conversation with your husband in the car. You said this yourself. And your CHOICE was to act like a fool and begrudge even that much interaction.


You are acting as though YOUR affairs, and YOUR behavior have come about because HE did something to you. He did not, as far as you know.


You have stabbed him, and you are complaining about the blood on the floor.

You are complaining that others may find out that there actually IS blood on the floor. You are worried that you might actually have to work to clean it up.

And you won't even speak to the man you stabbed, when he was talking to you and trying to make the situation less stressful

for YOU.



Can you tell us why your husband deserved the cold shoulder from you?

The truth is that you could have used that time to offer him some positive attention, which could have built up the love bank balance for him

and in turn, this actually builds up YOUR balance.


The oddest thing about love is that it is one of the few gifts on earth that you can only keep if you give it away.


There is a passage in the Bible that talks of receiving back tenfold in return compared to what you give away. They are talking of love, too.

Each time you do something for someone else, you will find that your self-esteem will rise and your self-worth will follow. You gain by helping others gain.




I cannot imagine riding in a car with my sworn enemy and not speaking with him. I would at least tell him to go to he//, start an argument, take advantage of the time to tell him what I thought about our relationship and why we were enemies. Actually, being who I am, in all likelihood we would probably end up being friends by the end of the trip because he would know that I understand his needs and could meet him on common ground. I would open that door FOR HIM.

Your husband is NOT YOUR ENEMY. He is someone you married - and you loved at one time. You have disconnected YOURSELF, by CHOICE. You can make a choice to return to the marriage. You just do not understand this right now. You have about a week to find out that YOU are broken.


Go before God and seek your brokenness. Do not find a "spiritual advisor" to tell you how to do this. You have a Lord who can tell you exactly where you are broken, and you have a priest who can show you where to kneel.

Hint: You have knees.




My sense is that your fears are overwhelming you right now. Avoiding the truth will NEVER serve you.


Never.


The truth stands as a beacon, and no matter where you go, there it is, shining to break the darkness. You can choose to acknowledge it, or you can choose to close your eyes. It will be there, either way.


Schoolbus

SB

VIolette

What is it exactly that your hoping to achieve on MB?

Why are you posting here?

Especially since you seam to only take and agree with the advice your spiritual adviser is giving you.

Could it be that maybe you know that his advice is not exactly great or appropriate?

Just tell us what you want from this forum because people are investing a lot of energy into giving you great advice based on experience and all your doing is ignoring it.

Have you told him yet? As a BH i can tell you that you owe it to him.