Triggers are interesting things. A small part of marriage builders really, but an important one I think. Triggers (for those that don't know) are learned associations, good or bad. Like putting food in front of a dog and shocking him when he tries to eat until he associates food with pain and no longer eats.

It seems that so much in our lives are centered around triggers both good and bad. I'm a war vet. Certain smells, temperatures, seeing something during a certain part of the day can trigger a feeling or memory of the war. Sometimes good, sometimes bad.

Most advice is that triggers are negative. Understandable in the forum we operate in. But do they have to be? We as BS' are triggered driving by this place or that place, a tv show, a food joint... Anything we have associated with the affairs. I am sure FWW's have the same issues. Constant reminders of the devastation and heartache they have caused.

I would like to propose that Triggers be used in a more positive light. Mostly as people we work to avoid (negative) triggers, or work hard to replace them with positive ones (good memories). But triggers also serve as something else.

They serve as guideposts. They also help us mark our recovery. Is it possible to (I may need help expressing this adequately)embrace triggers as milemarkers, warnings for us to work harder, and in general better opportunities to love each other?

I dunno. I am thinking this through and would love some input.

CV

Thanks, CV. I do see what you're saying. I think.

I dunno... I think of triggers more like the ubiquitous potholes in Northern Virginia's roads. Yeah, they mimic milemarkers, and they can give me, uh, "opportunities" to be more disciplined & deliberate in my steering, and opportunities to show my car I love it. But they also remind me of how much tax money we send downstate & how little Richmond sends back, and so I'll keep steering better, but I ain't never gonna embrace the potholes, just keep paying my taxes & trust that they'll get filled in, LOL...

Me?, I hate the triggers but perhaps its too soon to see your glass half full view of them.

I know of the 2 main locations of her A. One, is actually an office building where they worked alone together and its the site of many rondevous. My wife drives by it everyday over the summer doing her work, not thrilled but such is life. The other is OM home which we never go near in normal life. We have driven together passed the office building several times since dday and I needle her with, "the scene of the crime" line everytime. Lighthearted, but passive aggressive nonetheless.

The other place, THAT I KNOW OF, where they did the deed was a hotel behind a steak house where they had a romantic dinner and walked over to the room to work off the meal. Per my wife, they went there around 5x over the years. Beautiful.

To avoid traffic I took local routes home about a month ago not realizing Id be going right passed the hotel.

Thats one trigger Ill never look forward to.

CV, are you trying to join the "lunatic fringe" of the MB cadre - current population limited to yours truly?

I agree wholeheartedly that passive triggers - places, songs, CARS (from another thread) - are not evil harbingers of heartache and doom, to be avoided like plague-infested venues. They have impact on the BS only in terms of the actions of the BS's mind, but the impact, while momentarily uncomfortable, is not wholly wthout value.

A good analogy would be the increase in asthma among children in the upper-socio-economic class. Today's parents in that group go to great pains to raise their babies in antiseptic conditions approaching the "bubble-boy" situation. Researchers are finding that EXPOSURE of babies to seemingly deleterious microbes, dust mites, etc, in sub-critical amounts, "triggers" the developing immune system to produce and incorporate antigens to those organisms, which cannot be produced in later years. So the 5-year-old that contacts one of those organisms for the first time has a violent reaction, and develops asthma symptoms.

Being a bunch of discomfort-avoiding weenies, western adults have decided to avoid "unpleasantness" in any/all situations. BSs therefore have decided that avoiding the little "flutter" that comes with passing by a venue where their WS had some illicit contact with the AP is preferable to facing up to it, addressing it, weathering it, and moving on.

Now for the disclaimer - You'll note I addressed "passive" triggers. I make no allowance for WSs who "actively" trigger their recovering BSs (A form of revenge/masochism? Don't know.), either consciously, sub-, or unconsciously. My FWW did that to me once, and it almost sent us off track permanently.

Lol! I didn't realize we were so close distance-wise! I commuted to DC for 6 years...

I dunno. I see triggers rooted in fear. Take the mystery out and the fear is gone. expose the triggers for what they are and are they triggers anymore? Easier said than done, each trigger may have to be examined... Like I said, I am working through this in my head (and on list)...

CV
PS.. just as an aside, there is comfort knowing other MB folks in my close proximity for some reason...

I have those too. Some I've defused. Others I'm working on still... I want then gone and running into em head on right now seems best for me. Tackling them and smashing them.

One place my wife frequented I can never redeem, it's a wash. But I dont have to let them control me.

CV

Right. Passive triggers. That's what I mean. ITA with the western male mindset. Though it gives me the reputation of being an aggressive person... I don't know why tho....

I was a POSOM, CV. Not your wife's, but some other man's wife's. You sound like the kind I could look in the eye over a beer, but the guy to whom my story & my apology might matter would never believe it, and I wouldn't dare intrude on his life at this too-late date to offer it.

Well you know what Glove? Forgiveness is a great thing ain't it? Maybe, just maybe restitution is being paid in a way through the MB website... all the help you are giving. Not a beer fan, but if you offered scotch...

CV

Yesterday when I was giving an update on the state of affairs to a close friend and talking about triggers, he reminded me that "pain is optional."

I'm TRYING to adopt that point of view, but it shore ain't easy!

One thing my friend told me did help me feel stronger, however.
He observed that my WH's behavior hadn't changed; MINE had. "You're at a crossroads," he said, "and you're choosing a new direction." I found that very empowering.

That sounds very much like denial to me! Pain is a reaction and we don't choose reactions. Like Dr Harley has said, it is much easier to change behaviors than it is reactions.

"pain is optional."

Well, as much as I would endorse facing up to the triggers in our lives, I'd be hard-pressed to describe the pain as "optional".

The key element of the trigger IS the pain: no pain = questionable trigger.

What is optional is the reaction to the pain. Cringing and avoiding is one choice. Accepting and enduring is another. I favor the latter.

The old adage goes like this:

Pain is a given.
Suffering is optional.

Saying "pain is optional" is complete nonsense. Maybe they were thinking about the old adage, and just got it confused?

Imagine me telling a woman squirming around because she has a tubal pregnancy about to burst that her pain is optional. Ridiculous.
I can only imagine a wandering spouse saying to his/her newly betrayed spouse "Your pain is optional."

The old adage goes like this:

Pain is a given.
Suffering is optional.
What is optional is the reaction to the pain. Cringing and avoiding is one choice. Accepting and enduring is another. I favor the latter.[/quote]

Ok, that makes more sense.