I have been married 16 years. My wife had an affair in 2003. She told me at the time that she wanted to leave. We did counseling and things really improved. The guy she was seeing moved to another state.
My wife just left for a trip and told me where she was going to be assigned. I realized it was in the vicinity of where her ex-lover was now working. Tonight she called me and told me that she was actually going to working in the same location with him. She told me that she did not want to tell me the truth because it might upset me.
I nedd some advice on what to do.
Sorry you've had to make your way here, 85csu.
One of the most fundamental points in the MarriageBuilders approach to ending & recovering a marriage from affairs is that there can be no contact between former affair partners, for life. Not for just 8 weeks or 8 months or 8 years, but as long as you are alive & married. If you want to have the kind of marriage you got married for, this is non-negotiable. As in: non-negotiable. Because otherwise, at a minimum, you're always going to have an extra layer of doubt hanging over your relationship. (And "at maximum," there's a risk that the affair could reignite.)
She's correct to perceive that the renewed contact may upset you. And she's way out-of-line for holding out on you & giving you no warning or say in the matter anyway. I don't give her much credit for coming clean so belatedly. The fact that she even momentarily (mis)calculated that keeping this hidden from you was somehow preferable to being transparent with you is a sign that after 8 years, she still struggles with making decisions that are best for your relationship.
What sort of work does she do?
How long did the affair last, and how did it end?
Do you know whether they did or didn't have any contact between then ('03) and now?
When & how did she learn that he'd be at the same work location?
Is this work arrangement temporary?
Does it look like it might be recurrent?
(Sorry, I'm not meaning to bomb you with questions -- just trying to get a better picture of where you're coming from.)
You might want to click the link in the yellow box on the righthand side of the page titled "How to Survive Infidelity." Your wife needs to get this. As in, understand it, and implement it.
Thanks for the response. She works for the government. I am not really sure how long her affair lasted, but I think it was probably about 8 months. The affair broke off after she told me about it.
She knew all along that he was going to be there because he transferred to that location many years ago.
I don't know if she has had any contact since 03. She has a seperate email and facebook accounts.
Her work arrangement is temporary she will be there for two weeks. She used to travel a lot..she went to Italy for 3 months.
After her affair, I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis and she told me that she wanted out of the marriage. This occured in 2004. Looking back on that I probably should have parted ways but I am really close to her daughter (my step-daughter) so I stuck around. I still am able to work so I am not a burden to her in the marriage.
I don't think anything is going on but she did not have to go this trip, she volunteered to go. I will be able to tell when she gets home if anything happened. I know what signs to look for. If anything happens again than I am done.
It's far better not to risk contact with a former boyfriend.
The Policy of Joint AgreementNever do anything without an enthusiastic agreement
between you and your spouse
Take a look at the below article:
Policy of Joint Agreement Could you join your spouse on the business travel?
85csu,
At the time of the affair did the OM have a wife or girl friend and were they told what happened. Also does he have one now.
God Bless
Gamma
85CSU:
I am so sorry you are here. And sorry to hear about your MS diagnosis. My mother had MS for 30 years, and thankfully my step-dad was an absolutely devoted husband.
85: Even if something happens on this trip, don't despair over losing the woman you love. It sounds like you never resolved the problems from the the affair, and if you implement Marriage Builders techniques, you can build the most unbreakable bond and love between you and your wife.
Sending you a hug 85: {{{{{{{85}}}}}}}}
Things have finally hit rock bottom. He stopped drinking and goes to AA and therapy, I am also in therapy.Now,that my husband is sober and clear headed, which I think is wonderful for him. He doesnt think he can get over me breaking the trust oin our marriage.
85, have you snooped on her over the years to see if contact has continued?
First off, it sounds to me like your marriage never recovered from the first run at the affair and unfortunately, here you are again. It seems like you live very independent, detached lifestyles. How much time would you guess you spend together each week?
. Tonight she called me and told me that she was actually going to working in the same location with him. She told me that she did not want to tell me the truth because it might upset me.
She is not at all worried about upsetting you or she wouldn't have done this in the first place. I would certainly tell her how unhappy you are and would probably fly out and surprise her if it were me.
Your marriage has some serious problems that this program could resolve if you would use it. The above problem is a symptom, for sure, but your marriage needs a serious overhaul in order to recover. Could you interest her in going through this program?
Gamma,
I don't think the OM had a girlfriend. I am not sure what his situation is now.
Melody,
I don't have access to her email or facebook accounts. On her facebook page she uses her maiden name and there is no mention of me (or her being married). She told me that one of her friends recently asked if we were still married (after she looked at her facebook page).
Melody,
I don't have access to her email or facebook accounts. On her facebook page she uses her maiden name and there is no mention of me (or her being married). She told me that one of her friends recently asked if we were still married (after she looked at her facebook page).
Can I ask why you don't get access? My suggestion would be to hire a PI. I have a feeling she leads a completely secret second life you don't know about. It probably wouldn't be that hard to hire a PI to tail her on her business trip and then get someone local for when she returns. And then when she returns you could slip a keylogger on her computer and her cell phone.
Here is a thread about finding a good PI:
here
Get a keylogger on your home computer while she is gone so that you can get her passwords and do some snooping.
She told me that she did not want to tell me the truth because it might upset me.
BIG
I don't think anything is going on but she did not have to go this trip, she volunteered to go.
RED
On her facebook page she uses her maiden name and there is no mention of me (or her being married). She told me that one of her friends recently asked if we were still married (after she looked at her facebook page).
FLAG
Any one of these alone would be a cause for concern but add them all up and they equal BIG RED FLAG
I know what signs to look for.
Sure about that?
Why not just ask her for a printout of the travel arrangements from FedTraveler or any other computer travel system her government branch when she returns, she what she says?
Did some checking on the phone bill last night. Turns out she was calling her OM many times over the course of the year. Confronted her on the phone as she is DC. She was stunned and she acknowledged that she has maintained telephonic contact with him since 2003.
She said that she was really looking forward to seeing him again. The call patterns are crazy sometimes as many as 15 calls in one day. The call can go on for over 100 minutes.
She said that she would not contact him anymore...now that I can check. I didnt sleep last night I really thought this was it.
I am not sure what to do now. She will be gone til next Thursday.
I am not sure what to do now. She will be gone til next Thursday.
\
She is with him, isn't she?
She says no but who knows. I talked to her twice tonite so I don't think so. She told me that she was excited about seeing him (before I found the phone calls).
She says no but who knows. I talked to her twice tonite so I don't think so. She told me that she was excited about seeing him (before I found the phone calls).
She probably is with him.
She says no but who knows. I talked to her twice tonite so I don't think so. She told me that she was excited about seeing him (before I found the phone calls).
She
told you she was excited about seeing a man that she knows almost ruined your marriage from an affair years ago.
Ouch! I just don't even have words on how cruel that is.
Face the hard truth now, most likely she is with him, affair never stopped or has re-started.
I am sorry.
She said that she would not contact him anymore...
Let me finish her sentence for her:
She said that she would not contact him anymore...ON THAT PHONE. She has no intention of not talking to him anymore.
I'm sure she's purchased a prepaid cell phone to keep you off her trail.
I am concerned that she told you that OM would be in the area. I'm concerned that she is laying the groundwork for telling you that she got back together with him.
Can you find out if OM is married?
I just don't think there is any way that I could ever trust her again.
85,
Trust is a funny word around here. Don't get hung up on it in the traditional sense, because you shouldn't nor should not have blindly trusted in the first place.
That said, if you are ready and willing to do the work (step 1, get info and get ready for exposure), you can rebuild to have a relationship where trust is based on action.
In other words, trust is a verb here. So is the word "love".
If you said "I love my wife", I'd ask how. How do you demonstrate that every day? You might very well be able to recite all of the things you did today. Now, if you said "I trust my wife", I'd ask the same thing...how? How did you trust your wife today? See how that works?
That said, you need to learn NOW what is going on NOW, alright? Get evidence quietly.
Part of this is you don't trust them again, so don't worry about that right now.
All of us on the BS side of the aisle know exactly how you feel. Put that into motivation, follow the plan and when they tell you to expose and set the bar high for her return - make sure you do that.
Best of luck
"I have a feeling she leads a completely secret second life you don't know about."
Me too. Dude, you've gotta get a PI and get the full scope of what is going on here.
I'd bet my next paycheck that she's with him now (just like the rest here). Of course, could be wrong. Several ways to find out, and you can't (NO -- SHOULDN'T) do a darned thing until you know what you're dealing with.