Hi all,

I'm looking for some help... With my mom and dad. I have tried directing them to the site, but they won't come. They are however somewhat trusting of me and my FWW and love what they see in our marriage. Let me get to the dirt and see if it really is possible to get them help 17 years after an affair.

Mom and dad have 6 kids. Been married for 52 years. Dad was a career military, mom is an immigrant. Both are now in their 70's. I'm the only kids that goes to the house regularly, the bickering is that bad.

about 17 (maybe 18 now, not sure..)years ago, dad had an affair with my old boss. our family was fairly tight until this happened and it split the kids down the middle with the older three siding with dad and the younger two with mom, and we did not take "sides", but I encouraged dad to do what was right.

Dad confessed everything to mom. 100% full disclosure, broke contact with posow, and complied with everything mom asked. They worked for years on their recovery. They got a lot of bad advice and quit counseling early on.

Long story short, mom and dad love each other but are master love busters... They take digs at each other non-stop. Mom does it more than dad. He retaliates, but never initiates and endures much abuse because they have never really progressed a lot of ways out of the roller coaster phase.

We are using HNHN as our community bible study book this quarter (more likely 6 months) and they are attending.

What i need are some ideas here because they are dredging stuff up from decades before I was born, discussing sex (or lack thereof) with us, etc.. I need some creative ideas on how to get them to begin communicating healthy again and stop the DJ's and the Ao's.

Mom is clearly punishing dad.

I'll leave it at that and wait for responses

CV

cv, I would put aside HNHN and have them do a crash course in Lovebusters. They have to stop the lovebusters FIRST before they can make any progress anywhere else.

I would also point them to the articles about the enemies of good conversation.

Here is the questionaire: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/mb2.cfm?recno=14&sublink=356

I have these already printed. Ok. so start with lovebusters... right idea, wrong book. we will have to finish hnhn for the bible study, but i can lend them my copy of love busters.

i just gotta add for the record, I don't feel comfortable playing dr. ruth to my parents... UGH! I mean how did the 6 of us ever get here?!?!?

I think your parents will do much better if they can eliminate the lovebusters.

BTW, there were three children in our family, but I don't think my parents ever actually had sex. I think we were all found under the cabbage leaves in the garden.

AM

YOU TOO?!?!?

My Mother was a WW.
My Dad committed the ULTIMATE Love Buster.
That's all I'm going to say.

OK. Working on a plan now to introduce them to the questionnaire. This will be a challenge since they view these things in light of "marital counseling" which they both believe is bunk. I think what I am going to do is have me and Grace tell them that we have done these before as well and that they have helped us and continue to.

They understand the love busting concepts and Dad actually buys into the LB idea more than mom. Maybe reading the book separately will help them too.

CV,

I guess I would take a slightly different approach before trying to get them to address Love Busters.

I am going to present this as a series of questions for your Mom and your Dad. I will say that they are not alot older than I so please understand that I am coming from the point of view of someone who has buried more than a few close relatives as well as many friends.

To your Mom I would ask the following questions:

1. Do you think you have punished Dad enough?

2. If not, what will be enough?

3. Is punishing him making your happy?

4. If not, then why continue, if so why stay married?

5. Would you like to be happy with Dad and have the family quit being split by this?

6. Do you realize that most of your children and their families do not "enjoy" the punishment you give Dad?

7. What are you willing to lose to continue punishing him? And what would you really like to have the situation be in your life?

CV are you see where this is going? It is toward her deciding what her goals are. Just like here at MB the first thing everyone is or should be asked is "Do you want to save this marriage or not?" In her case it isn't just the marriage but her family.

Now for your Dad. I would ask:

1. Are you sorry for what you did?

2. What have you done to help Mom get over the pain you caused her?

3. Since that isn't working what is your plan now?

4. What do you want? Do you want out of the marriage, do you want a happy marriage? Would you like the family reunited?

5. Are you aware that most of your children and their family do not like being around you and Mom when you bicker and take shots at one another?

6. As you are now aware what do you think needs to be done?

7. Do you want to be happy for the rest of your life and what are you willing to do to make this situation one where you will be happy?

Again, establishing their wishes and introducing the idea of setting goals and getting a plan.

There is no reason to introduce the questionnaire unless they both want a better situation in their marriage. If they do, then discuss with them the need for a setting goals in their relationship and a plan. Their "use by" date may be closer than either of them realize and do they want to waste their time of health on what was in the past or enjoy their future together.

I think you need to get a "buy in" before you start with plans to fix what they may not want fixed. I doubt either of them truly realize the toll this is taking on their children and they need to know that first and foremost.

Just thoughts. I hope they help.

God Bless,

JL

JL

We actually thought of some of these... just haven't asked them. I copied these and will plan on using them next time we get together. This is language I think they will understand.

CV