I found out on June 30th, 2011. The way I found out was rough. My husband and I just came back from a mini vacation. We had a wonderful time. Reconnected and basically fell back in love with each other. I started having problems the day I came back from the trip. I just thought it was because I went swimming to often. Long story short after going back and forth to the doctor I found out I had chlamydia. (btw chlamydia is curable and thank God I am free from it and all other sti's) Of course after a nervous breakdown I questioned my husband and to my shock he cheated on me on one occasion 4 weeks previously. I actually spoke with the person and confirmed the details. After talking to me she actually cut him off. I have been married six years so this was quite a blow. To make matters worst he had unusually been very critical about me over the past month. We are going to counseling but things are so up and down. We argue more than ever. I just don't trust him anymore and not sure if I can continue to be married to someone I don't trust. It is difficult because little things will trigger me and I experience it all over again. I was completely blindsided by this. Can anyone give me some advice or comforting words?

0630,

I'm so sorry you are here. Welcome though, this is the best place to get help. You CAN recover your marriage and have a better one than you dreamed of. A few questions to help along the others that will come along to help as well.

How many kids do you have? Was this a work affair?


CV

We have one child together she is 4 and he has a child who is 8. This wasn't a work affair. It was a friend of his he knew before we were married. I met her once. She lives 40 min away. Apparently they met at a grocery story and exchanged numbers. talked for a few weeks maybe met up twice before it actually happened. He obviously made sure she was connected to anyone he knew. He has quite a reputation to protect.

Hi 0630,

I'm sorry to hear about your pain. this is the best place you can be to get help though!

The best advice that I can give is to read up on the information on this site. Start doing plan A and taking care of yourself.

Your marriage cannot improve if you don't start taking care of you first.

Is she married?

And are you snooping on your husband to make sure that contact has truly ended?

When you say he has a reputation what you do you mean exactly? Is he is a pastor?

No she isn't married. I have checked up on him. They are no longer friends on facebook, she is actually blocked. I have checked emails and phones and nothing came up. After I found out he told her that I knew and that she gave us a STI. She cussed him out and was dreadful afraid that I would come after her. I spoke with her to find out the extent of the relationship. She told me everything. She knew he was married and was actually keeping tabs on me on facebook. After we talked I guess we made peace, she seemed regretful and I naturally forgave her because my husband was the one who made the promises. After my husband found out her and I talked he tried to call her to go off on her for speaking with me and she cut him off and refused his calls and text. -that was the funny part. There was no emotional connection I guess it was a one night fling. ...No he is not a Pastor but is involved in church and the community.

Thanks for the encouragement. I will look into Plan A. I havent actually finished reading the whole book. At first it was too painful to read.

0630, I would strongly suggest that you tell your pastor and your families about the affair. Your marriage needs the support. The more people who know, the more people to hold your husband accountable. If he is a leader in your church it is very likely he should not hold such a position.

I would get the book Surviving an Affair and follow the program for recovery in there. However, exposure to your families and your pastor is the first step towards recovery of your marriage.

Since this has happened he has gone to church less and less. He resigned from one of the positions that he had. We agreed not to tell family because we thought it would make things worst. I know my family is wondering what is going on with us. We have been obviously acting strange since this has happened. My husband is non-confrontational. If my family finds out he would probably not even come around them anymore. One of his best friends found out and called to fuss at him and he cut him off completely. I just wonder if it will make matters worst. (btw..pastor and family is the same) What do you think?

I try not to nitpick, but I gotta on this one... He should step down immediately until he is at a place where you feel safe and restoration of your marriage and the damage he has done has been made.

Exposure is the best thing that can happen to your husband because it is the most likely to lift his fog and bring true repentance. It will get you both the support you need for your marriage.

Here is what Dr Harley says about it:

"Exposure is very likely to end the affair, lifting the fog that has overcome the unfaithful spouse, helping him or her become truly repentant and willing to put energy and effort into a full marital recovery. In my experience with thousands of couples who struggle with the fallout of infidelity, exposure has been the single most important first step toward recovery. It not only helps end the affair, but it also provides support to the betrayed spouse, giving him or her stamina to hold out for ultimate recovery."

Why would his best friend cut him off if he had ended the affair and come clean to you? That makes no sense.

That doesn't sound like he is even slightly remorseful if he would run from the consequences of his behavior. A man who acts like that is not sincere.

@ Melody Lane...No...My husband stopped talking to his friend after his friend found out about what he did. Because his friend was pissed because the ow was his cousin. We did counsel with one of the elders of the church but as a licensed minister our affairs are private. We just haven't told our family.

Melody...I see that you and your husband have been 9 years past the affair. That is tremendous. Can you tell me your story.

Is your h planning on apologizing to his friend?

I really haven't asked and I don't care if they ever talked again. My H used to give him marriage advice all the time. He used to tell him all the things he did for me and what he needed to do to make his wife happy. His friend wasn't even that close with the cousin I think it was more about the fact that my H was trying to be such a good example but obviously had his own issues. It probably be better if that relationship is cut off because we obviously won't be going to any of their family events anyway. He's probably too embarrassed to even show his face. I was the one who contacted his friend and I told him everything. He contacted her and went off on her and told the whole family about her STI.

Good for you for bringing it to his friends attention. Please do tell your families and especially your pastor. it will make a big difference in your husbands recovery and give you the support you need. And the more people who know, the more people to hold him accountable.

We have one child together she is 4 and he has a child who is 8. This wasn't a work affair. It was a friend of his he knew before we were married. I met her once. She lives 40 min away. Apparently they met at a grocery story and exchanged numbers. talked for a few weeks maybe met up twice before it actually happened. He obviously made sure she was connected to anyone he knew. He has quite a reputation to protect.

naturally forgave her because my husband was the one who made the promises.

We agreed not to tell family because we thought it would make things worst.

My H used to give him marriage advice all the time. He used to tell him all the things he did for me and what he needed to do to make his wife happy. His friend wasn't even that close with the cousin I think it was more about the fact that my H was trying to be such a good example but obviously had his own issues. It probably be better if that relationship is cut off because we obviously won't be going to any of their family events anyway. He's probably too embarrassed to even show his face. I was the one who contacted his friend and I told him everything. He contacted her and went off on her and told the whole family about her STI.

I'm afraid, you are being too positive here. If your husband wanted no damage to his reputation, he should not have made sure that nobody knew he was having sex with another woman, but he should have made sure, that he lived with integrity. Integrity means, that when nobody sees you, you behave the same as you would if everybody knew.
Let's face it. He went out, met another woman. That is in itsself not a bad thing. But he did not tell you, right? Tht was Lie nr. 1.
Then he was keeping in contact with this woman, without you knowing. He e-mailed and texted her a number of times. Those were Lies 2-100.
Because it takes more than one text to get a woman to sleep with you. Probably did not tell her the truth either. (add another 50 lies, each time he did not tell her he was married and having sexual relations with you.)

Then they agreed to meet. Lied to you about where he was and with whom.
Lied when he said I love you at the door.
Lied when he kissed you good bye.
Then, he spent your family money to go out with her.
Lied to her, about you probably. (my wife doesn't udnerstand me?).
Then he came home and lied to you again.
Then he went out with her again. All the while you are babysitting his child. Lied about where he was, with whom, where the money went.
Lied to her.
Was planning his next date with her.
And planning on having sex. Did not tell you (we must be at Lie 400 by now.)
Then he had sex with her, lied to you again about where he was and so on.
And to her, maybe threw in a few ILY, who knows, or ' You are the best ever ' whatever. (Those are Lies 450-500 by now.)

What I am trying to say: This was not ONS, a one time mistake.
He lied again and again and again, to you and to her and by going to church and singing along and eventually, he made himselfe a lier, because one special day, he promised you and all people present, to love and to cherish you, untill death do us part.
AND HE DIDN'T.

This was not a one time mistake.
This took planning, this took contemplation.
He lied to you a thousand times.
And to her.
And to all people, he gave marriage advice to.


Now suppose, you sweep it under the rug, because that is what he wants. He can go on and live his self-righteous life. He can take care of his narcissistic tendencies by having people look up to him. But deep inside, he knows the truth. And you know, that the biblical thing is, to make known and repent.

Why not tell his family?
Every time, you are angry with him, they will pity him, that he has such a bad wife. You will grow bitter, because for him, nothing changed. He got to lay with that woman, and there are no consequences. Just as he planned. And this tiny little detail, that you found out... You'll come around. You always do. And he can live the righteous life. And be the hero to his family.

You did not cause his reputation to be ruined.
HE DID.
He did not lose his integrity when he stuck his xxx in her xxx.
He lost it right from the start, when he started to live his secret life.
And he could have told you anytime.
With integrity.
But he did not.

And he will never see himself for the worthless worm he is.
Unworthy.
And only once he understands that.
Really, truely understands that.
Only then, he will be able to truely appreciate that the Lord died for his sins too. And that he makes people worthy again.
And that he gave his life to cleanse even your husband from his multitude of sins.

But as it is now. Your husband is blind. He does neither know, nor understand.

God bless you and may he give you wisdom and strength to guide your family out of this.

Happyheart

I don't think I am being positive I am just not as angry as you are happy heart. Calling names and thinking of my spouse with that type of attitude isn't productive and doesn't help us move forward. He lied, he cheated. End of story. If I take time to tally ever mistake he made during the time that they met I would probably loose sleep. We are in counseling and we made the decision together not to get family involved. But just a lil reason why....Since the beginning of our marriage we decided not to get family involved when we had problems in our relationship. The reason is, is because family doesn't know how to stay neutral about the situation. They will always be on the side of their family. If I made a mistake or did something wrong to my husband and he told his family even though he forgave me and moved passed it his family probably wouldn't..at least not right away and would probably remind him every time something went down so it would make it even harder to move on...just what you just did. (vica versa) I came here for encouragement not additional negativity. I already have enough of that on my mind to last me for the rest of the year. So from the beginning of our relationship when we had problems we go to a neutral third party that can help us resolve the problem without getting emotionally involved. As time goes on I may talk to me family but not for the purpose of them reminding him or me of the "worthless worm he is" lol...that's priceless. I am a christian and in order to protect myself and my heart I refuse to allow bitterness and un-forgiveness consume my heart. Even if things don't work out with us I still choose to forgive in walk in love because I don't want to be that person who is filled with hatred.

Hi 0630,

I am not angry at all with your husband.
After all, I don't even know him.

What concerns me, is, that it would be nice if he understands the nature of what he's done. And takes responsibility.

If it makes it easier for you to think of it as a one time thing, who am I to argue? Forgiveness though is not the same as non-accountability.

How far you want to take it, is up to you. But making sure that this doesn't happen again is of vital importance to your family.

Wish you all the best,

Happyheart.

0630, Christian forgiveness should be based on repentance and just compensation. I don't get the sense here that your husband is in the least repentant if he would want to keep this secret from your families. Adultery affects the whole family and this is a time that you and your H most need their support. Telling the family would be a source of great support for your marriage and if your H is sincere, he won't object to that.

Giving your H blind forgiveness when he has not earned it is not healthy for your marriage.
Dr Harley recommends just compensation because this will ensure the recovery of your marriage:

entire article here

I hear what your saying and I will think about it. He said he would talk to my family and tell them what he did. It may be a me thing because I really don't want to be looked at with pity. There is obviously shame that plays part in the whole situation. Shame and embarrassment on my behalf. It would be hard for me to let them know at this point while I am still recovering that this happened to me. I even talked to him yesterday and he said he would go to their house and let them know everything. If I wanted but I just don't know if I want to then I would have to rehash everything and it will hurt all over again. I am at a better place now then I was before and even though it was three months ago it will be like brand new to them. I just want to give myself more time to heal and continue my therapy before hand. That is how I deal with things. I usually don't want to talk about it right away. He was actually surprised that I didn't tell them when I found out. He thought that I would have called them first. But besides the family part everything I asked as far as compensation has been given without hesitation. I will be thinking about another way he can be accountable besides my family until I am ready to share. I did ask him to get counseling individually and with a marriage counselor and we are doing that. He is talking with one of the elders of the church and all his friends know. If you can think of something else please let me know. Thanks

0630, it would help both of your healing if he went to your families and told them the truth NOW. First off, it would get you the support you need and secondly, it would greatly help HIM in his recovery by telling them what he did. They can help hold him accountable. It will help so much in removing the fog.

I would not wait to do this, because you don't want to delay some great support and more importantly, you want to get it out there NOW and then stop discussing it. If you wait, all you do is bring back to the forefront. GEt this done now so you can move onto next steps and ensure a more solid recovery.

The fact that he wants to do this tells me he is serious and that is a good sign. It is obvious he understands how important this is to his recovery.

I don't see the obvious shame, 0630. My husband was unfaithful to me. I feel no shame over that. Pity for HIM, yes. The people who know about the affair have said that they admire me for my commitment to our marriage.

0630, it is ok to feel embarrassed about this. I was embarrassed too. As far as shame, that is not rational because you have done nothing wrong. HE HAS. And yes, he will feel ashamed. That is a good thing, not a bad thing.

0630,

If you were robbed, you would not feel shame for being a victim of a robbery.

The OW and your WH robbed you of fidelity in your marriage.


If you were cheated, you would not feel shame for being the victim of a cheating scam.

Your WH cheated on you.


If someone lied to you about the truth of your life, you would not feel shame for not knowing what was really happening behind your back.

Your WH lied - repeatedly - to keep you from knowing the truth of your life.


If someone blamed you for making you the victim of their bad behavior, you would not feel shame, because the other person was the one in the wrong.

Your husband pointed his finger in your direction, blamed you for his affair, and told the OW things about you that were never true.




There is not shame in being a betrayed spouse. You did nothing wrong.





What you are feeling is a need to protect your husband, and to keep others from judging you because you want to save your marriage...

in spite of the fact that your husband CHEATED ON YOU.


You think other people will see you in a negative light
will try to talk you out of it
will criticize your decision
will judge your husband negatively
will say things to you and him that you don't know how to answer

You are afraid that you will have to stand up and explain yourself


and you just do not feel strong enough to have to do all of that right now.



It's all too much.



It's all too complicated to try to explain to anyone...why would anyone want to keep a spouse who has cheated on them??????????


How could he do this???????


And how could you ever explain that, after he did it, you still LOVE AND WANT HIM?????




That's why you don't want other people to know.


You want to protect your husband and yourself from all of the questions. To protect your marriage from the future of people looking at it as "the marriage that survived the affair", and "is it really a good marriage????" and "are they really in love, or ..........????"



You don't want to have to deal with the crappolla that comes with the prying eyes and comments.


I get that.



What you can get, if other people know:

Support
AMAZEMENT from others that you CAN fall in love again
Other people asking you how you did it, when they see it can be done
More advice from people you never suspected who have been through it themselves
An honesty about the marriage that makes you feel much safer



And finally, you and your husband no longer have to feel like you are hiding. Because that just will not work.


Schoolbus