Hi everyone. First time posting. About two months ago i caught my wife texting a coworker. I confronted her and she said they were best friends story. It was pretty rough for a couple of days. I was hurt she didnt seem to understand why. Her mother suggested we have a night apart. I thought it was a good idea so she was suppose to stay at her moms one night. Well she never came back. Since all this i have done research on affairs and affair fog. I couldnt understand cause a month prior to this she was telling me how great a husband and father i was. How much she loved me and so on. Then just out of no where everything fell apart. When she moved out i was begging her to stay and trying to figure out what i had done to make her do something like this. She told me the usual affair fog babble. We have three little girls and i so badly want to keep our family together. Trying to talk to her is like trying to talk to a brick wall right now. So right now we have been seperated for two months. She is definatly having a PA. She said she doesnt want to see me or talk to me on the phone. She has said she wants a divorce. Which i have been waiting for papers but nothing yet. I have been doing NC. Im just not sure what to do. I have tried exposing the affair which she was terrified at first than when i did it didnt bother her at all. If i want to save the marriage am i just going to have to let the affair run its course. Any Advice Please.

Have you done plan A yet?

CV

Who did you expose the affair TO? Is the OM married? Where does your wife live? And are the kids with you?

I exposed the affair to everyone. Yes he is and i told his wife about it but she already knew. They all work together and i couldnt believe that she was ok with it. The kids we split between the week. No i havent tried plan a yet.

Don't fight that will make things so much worse. No love busters at all but that is so hard but you need to do it. Build love units and be patient.

Plan activities with her and your kids.

I would love to do that but she wont have any of it.

Follow the advice that you get here.....don't feel like you're alone, I fully exposed my WW's affair, she has refused to speak to me for over 2 months because she's mad at me.
SHE'S MAD AT ME!....

Did you expose the affair to their employer, and let them know that they are liable for a potential sexual harrassment lawsuit in addition to a civil suit for damages?

I am in your same shoes and you are not alone.

Can you create any time with her?

How can you make yourself attractive to her?

Follow the advice that you get here.....don't feel like you're alone, I fully exposed my WW's affair, she has refused to speak to me for over 2 months because she's mad at me.
SHE'S MAD AT ME!....
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Same here. Exposed last Monday and now I am the one to blame for ruining his reputation, he is 'done' with me for doing that to him.. WS's minds are sooo screwed up!

This should be interesting. Very nice lady said that they take this matter very seriously. They are going to start an investigation and she said she will update me within 48 hours to let me know whats going on. I can't wait. I hope they both get the boot.

donie, if there are other exposures that need to be done, I would get them done today so it hits them all at once. Expose to your WS's parents, family, friends, your family, children, the OP's spouse, if any, and his/her facebook friends. IT needs to hit them like a tsunami.

donie, please stay on one thread. It's difficult for posters to follow your story if you don't. Please update on your original thread.

(btw, good job on exposure!)

Please stick to one thread. You're doing good.

Why do you exchange the kids? I'd draw a line and say that the kids stay in the marital home. If she wishes to see them, then she needs to come home.

How old are your kids?

Yeah sorry. This was the last exposure. I did wait on this one cause I dont want.her to lose the job. But she has treated me like Crap and she needs to get away from OM.

Excellent! Now follow up with a (paper) letter to that lady, effusively complimenting her on her professional approach to this delicate subject and expressing your willingness to supply any/all assistance they need.....AND COPY THE TOP DOG IN THE ORGANIZATION!

Yes, WW's minds are so screwed up. I know. I'm one of them. I never left my DH though and I've had NC with OM for almost three months (see below for more details).

When someone is in the fog like that, you have to let her do what she wants to do. It's up to you if you feel like waiting for her to realize she's made a BIG mistake.

I am sorry your girls are suffering.
CT

Yes you guys are so right about WSs. They are in their own little world. I have noticed that there is absolutly nothing that i or anyone else can say to her. She knows exactly what she is doing and she doesnt need me anymore. Just a piece of trash tossed away. I will stick to this thread from now on. Today i called their HR department and told them what was going on. The lady was very nice and she said that they take that very seriously. She said they will do an investigation and she would update me in 48 hours. Im pretty excited about it. I hope they can both of them. When they come out of the fog do they always feel guilty and feel like it was a big mistake? Just curious cause i have read that sometimes they do and sometimes they dont.

Threads have now been merged.

Tonight is really crappy. This is the worst I have felt so far. Daughter talked to W tonight before bed. I try not to hear them talking cause just her voice gets my emotions going. I heard her say she was out eating and I could only guess with who. I feel so weak. She is out having a good time and im home trying to deal with all the pain. I've read that WWs tell you they don't want anything to do with you than the next minute they are telling you they miss and love you. Well not mine. It has been two months and I feel that she has not second guessed her decision. Hopefully with more time she will see past the fog and see the light. I hate feeling so helpless. Sorry for the rant. Had to get it off my chest.

Why not go out to eat with your kids. The key now since she has moved out is to start to put one foot in front of the other.

A year ago I couldn't get out of bed.

Today - I cry seldomly

I started going to the YMCA a year ago and I found it was perfect for me. I give my kids to the childcare people, and then I have a couple hours of me time. Time I get to think, breathe, and enjoy some exercise.

This time is hard because of the holidays. Just keep posting here, and we can encourage you to do what is needed.

W asked me to go trick or treating with her and the kids. I'm doing plan b though. What should I do? I would really like to go with the kids but I don't know if I could hold up emotionally. Any suggestions.

How do you know she wants you to trick or treat with them? If you're in Plan B all communication is to go through a third party (intermediary). Do you have an IM?

No, don't trick or treat with them. She's throwing you a bone so she can feel better about herself. Especially if you're in Plan B! There is no contact with the wayward in Plan B.

Yeah your right. I do have an Im. I wouldn't be able to handle it right now anyways. Thanks for the smack upside the head maritalbliss.

My wife asked IM the same thing if I wanted to go trick or treat with the kids. Since I had them this weekend I was able to take them to the local zoo last night for halloween. They had what they call zoo boo. Kids and I had a blast. Smiling just thinking about it. There may be something similar to that in your area today. Try that you get to see kids in costumes and they can get candy. LOL

Yeah i will try and look around for something like that. Thanks for the idea.

donie, your IM should be protecting you from messages like that. The IM should have told your WS "since that request is not in accordance with donie's letter, I won't be passing that message along since contact is out of the question. In order to resume contact with donie, you must meet the conditions in the letter."

The IM is to operate as your spam filter and protect you.

Well I think I'm going to tell W to file. I can't do this anymore. I would love nothing more than to save my marriage but she seems dead set on divorce. I think I will give her what she wants. She said in the beginning that she wanted to wait until next year so we don't mess our taxes up. I can't wait that long. I just want to move on and try to become a better person. She is in the fog bad and I feel its going to be a long while. Who knows maybe through the divorce process she will wake up. I love her and wish that she would wake up.

You should NOT tell her to file.

If she was dead set on divorce, you would ALREADY have been served. Don't speed up this process, drag it out. Gives more time for the affair to end.

In reality, she's done nothing but TALK about divorce, and that is probably to placate OM. She's dragging her feet for a reason.

Any news from HR? Call them again.
Who else did you expose to?

How familiar are you with the concepts and plans?
Did you write a Plan B letter?
Who is your intermediary? Did you provide them with information on how to be effective and what is required of them?
Are you completely dark? No texts, no phone calls, no sightings on drop offs?

I want to hang on so bad but afraid in the end it will hurt more. Im trying to do stuff for me and move on but i still have the little bit of hope. I have done everything that you have asked above. I may need a little more help with planning though. I did call HR back. They started the investigation but couldnt give out any info yet. It will be Wednesday or Thursday. It has only been a couple months but i feel that she should have some kind of remorse already. Im just not being patient enough i guess. I just want my family back. I should just calm down cause i didnt realize it has only been two months. Lol. It feels like its been a year. When all this first started i pushed her to go file but she wouldnt. She said she was going to but hasnt yet. I know that she is waiting for one reason or another. Just hope i dont get them anytime soon. Thanks for the boost Lexxy.

How can you consider surrendering now you have MB fighting with you?

Dam the torpedos, full steam ahead.

I do have a couple of questions about wayward spouses that I have noticed with my WW. Just trying to understand more about all this and if any one can answer. She was really close to an aunt and uncle. They helped us out a great deal. When all this happened I thought it maybe a good idea to have them talk to her since she wouldn't talk to anyone else. Boy was I wrong. She treated them just like me and I was at aww when she was saying the stuff she was to them. Secondly everything she liked and disliked has done a 180. People she disliked before she likes. People she liked she dislikes. Promotions at her job that she would never set a foot in before she is diving into them etc etc. What the hell is all I have to say. Anyone can please answer this for me.

Don't expect HR to get back to you. They may shut you down - this is specific to their employees and they may use 'privacy issues' to keep you out of the loop. Don't let that deter you. Tell them that you insist, as their employee's husband, that they keep you in the loop on what they discover in the course of their investigation. Let them know that you are ready to retain an attorney over this. Businesses get very nervous when they hear the word 'lawsuit'.

Ok. I didnt know that they would do that. She seemed pretty convincing she would get back to me. I will definatly make sure i find out one way or the other. With the info i gave them i would be sure they would lose their jobs. I guess we will find out at the end of the week. Thanks maritalbliss.

I was looking back the past couple of months and how she has been so cold towards me. I cant believe that she had another personality like that in her and how fast it was literaly over night. It scares me knowing i use to sleep next to her and still want to. All kidding aside, tomorrow suppose to hear from HR. Also i was thinking today of maybe going back home for a couple of months with our children. I think it would be nice to be around family and friends through this. Not sure if that would be a good idea or not. I know it would help the children and me out. Her dad and some other family live there. Then all of my family of course. The problem is i would probably need to take off and leave a note for her cause i dont know what she would say if i asked her. Does anyone know if this would make things worse? She is definatly in the FOG and even though she has mentioned divorce hundreds of times now i really dont think she will file. Its been two months and if she wanted one so bad she would of filed right?

This is the #1 sign of a wayward. They become someone different. I have often seen on these boards two different scenarios. One is the wayward was like this at one point in their life, usually adolescence or early twenties. During the affair the brain chemicals take them back to that time in their life that they remember. They become the teenager again. The high of the feelings are so strong they would do anything to feel that way again. This gets them out of reality (homes, kids, jobs, cleaning, laundry, etc.). They are looking to regain something they feel they lost, so they build a fantasy around the affair, the adultery partner, and their life.

The second scenario I see is someone who gets involved with an adultery partner whose values are at a much lower level. The adultery partner and the wayward get sucked in by the chemicals to feel good. In the beginning the adultery is so much fun and so exciting. The feelings of happiness, joy, life are profound and extremely powerful. As time progresses and it takes more to get a hit off the adultery one of the partners submissively heads down the path of least resistance to get the high. That usually means following the lower valued adultery partnet to their level. Then it reduces the guilt, shame, and horror. The person who had a moral compass before has now thrown that out the window because the moral compass gets in the way of the high. Lower values means you can lower your esteem. This is where Dr. Harley's giver/taker book is good. They take on one or the other. That is how the adultery crumbles because you can only sacrifice so much to hold onto the HIGH. After a while it take so much energy to get the HIGH, the affair becomes very burdensome, and the adultery partner tries to return to their old life where they realize it wasn't so bad.

All this usually happens within a two year time frame. The sooner exposure happens the more likely reality sets back in quicker.

Tough

Thanks for the explanation. It has been awhile since I have been on here. There's been a lot going on. I don't know what you would call it, maybe an extended vacation. I took my kids and myself to Arizona. Being in Texas and everything that was going on was just eating me alive. I could see was getting difficult for the oldest daughter. I didn't know anyone in Texas. No family or friends. Since coming home, I think we are all doing better. The kids are getting to know my family and are getting really close with there grandma. WW is still in Texas with no signs of giving the affair up yet. When we left I text her we were leaving. She had no idea that I even had it in my mind. I was worried about how she was going to react. To my surprise she didn't put up much of a fight. Just can't believe that she could really care less. Our anniversary is this weekend so it will be a pretty tough time.

My former land lord called tonight. My WW was asking to rent our old place. Kinda funny considering that was one of the excuses she told me as to why she wanted to move out. The land lord asked W if there was any way to reconcile. W told her that I had said and done to many hurtful things to her for it to ever work. Yeah ok. I've never stabbed her in the back. Even the land lord was telling me how far out she is. Haven't heard from her since coming to az. Found out from the land lord that she doesn't have a car any more. She had recieved a car from OM. So a little curious as to what happened. I'm sure she is still seeing him though. The days seem like they are years I do know. Any advice as to what I should do next. I'm doing really well with plan b.

More of the same. Tighter Plan B.
Be #1 Dad.
Take excellent care of yourself.
Close your eyes and ears to news about WW.

*** LINK to Plan B instructions ***

Ok. I will tighten it up more. I have been doing the best
I can with the children. They are doing much better than before. I am taking good care of myself. Gained back the weight I lost in the first month and changed a few things.

Ok. I have been trying to get in contact with Ws HR department. Finally they called back. They said she has been transfered to different department. It's a totally different building and its also about 45 mins from where she was. Got her away from him at the work place. So now from what I understand is that she has no vehicle to get around in. Only her moms which her mom needs so its not like she can just take it whenever she likes. She makes no where near enough to be able to afford her own place and all the utilities. She is getting tired of living with her mom and sister. Is there anything else I can do?

Yep, enjoy the weekend with the kids, keep enjoying time with your family and friends, and build a life that no longer includes WW.

If she decides to wake up from the fog, well, she has the conditions mapped out in PBL on what SHE needs to do. And if not, you are well taken care of in Plan B.

As for poor little WW not having enough money for rent or a car of her own... gee, the reality of infidelity sucks don't it

That sounds good to me. I'm loving that I know she is having such a difficult time. I do love her but as they say she made her bed and now she gets to lay in it. Of all the dumb and hurtful remarks she has made I am feeling pretty good right now. Welcome to reality.

Umm Donie, you haven't been talking with WW have you?

I just re-read post and am unsure if you are just inferring or have heard it from her directly.

No no. I haven't had any contact with her. The remarks was before plan b. The stuff about her getting tired if living with her mom was from my old land lord. The land lord called me a few days ago asking me how I would feel about her renting our old house to my W. The land lord pretty much had her mind made up that she wasn't going to though. Then she started telling me about her getting tired of living with her mom. I cut her short cause I don't really care to much. She's doing what she is doing now she can deal with the consequences.