If I expose, things won't be like they were....

We've heard it a hundred (nay, a thousand) times. You might think something like...

"I don't see the benefit of exposure, I'll lose my husband/wife. They will be mad at me, my kids are too young/stupid/immature to understand, I'll lose our income, Somebody will be mad at me (spouse, kids, family, other man/woman or their spouse)... I don't see the need to tell so many people... It's not biblical, it's vindictive."

Excuses are a dime a dozen. Exposure is a scary thing. But not for the person in the right... Want to expose but are afraid? Don't want to expose because you think it is wrong? Read on... here's a few reasons why exposure works and SHOULD be done...

On the surface, it appears that exposure will simply drive the person away and kill chances at making a recovery. In fact, exposure more often does the exact opposite? Why? Because affairs are rooted in the unreal. They are fantasy that thrives on secrecy and lies. Exposure brings the truth to the front and uncovers the secrecy. I would bet that a great many AP's feel trapped by the other and secretly want to be exposed so that the madness will end.

Does exposure anger the cheating spouse? Sometimes yes, sometimes no. The question that needs to be understood is why? Why? because they cannot live in the fantasy world anymore. They have become accustomed to cake-eating. That is, having what they think is the best of both worlds. They're upset because they don't get their way. Many times they are relieved though, and the majority over time become grateful they have been exposed. A lot of times, affairs are about control. The control is removed with exposure.

Now, will you lose you husband/wife if you expose? The real question isn't will I lose them, it should be "will I get them back?" Your spouse is already gone if they are in an affair. The love, time, energy, attention, is all being focused at another person. In effect, they are just a body occupying space in your house. Already gone. exposure shocks them to their senses. It wakes them up. It tells them you will not be walked over again and again. It says sin has consequences and you won't be a consequence anymore. What does it say? It says because I love you, I won't let you continue this destructive life. It says I will fight for you because our marriage is worth it, even if you currently are not. It says "here is your opportunity to be the person you once were, or can be. By asking people to intervene on your behalf you are saying you WANT your marriage, and you want it better than it was.

Will you lose your income? Maybe. But what's more important, the money or the marriage?

What about the kids? Teaching your kids to lie helps no one. It is not protecting them at all. Teach them how to deal with problems, teach them how to work through forgiveness and be better people. Kids aren't dumb. they probably already know something's up. Trust us, the lessons the kids learn will save them down the road.

Family may be mad... So what? It wasn't you who did this. What if they look at you different? So what? Things are different. Life has changed forever. You don't want to lie to them do you? I don't know a single person who has not experienced infidelity either in person or peripherally in their family or circle of close friends. They won't be surprised. You might be though. You might be surprised to find that they can help end the affair. You might be surprised to find support in some that you thought would never help you. You might find that the least likely person may be the person to get through to your cheating spouse.

Should you tell the OMH or OMW? Yep. It is a cruel thing to keep this from them. It is harboring a lie. It is destroying their family as much as yours. Exposure on their end helps ensure the Affair ends permanently. The AP will have his hands full after being exposed. He will often be watched like a hawk.

Exposure is not biblical, it's vindictive... David was exposed for his affair with Bathsheba. Publicly. Gomer was exposed by Hosea. In the Bible, idolatry was used synonymously with adultery. God called it wh0ring. Over and over again, God lays bare Israel's spiritual adultery before the nations. Not because God is vindictive, but because God is loving. Hiding sin is never loving. It is aiding and abetting. God loved His people so much that he didn't hide their sin, he exposed it to bring them to repentance. Christ does not hide the Christian's sin. It is confessed and laid bare before God and then dealt with.

What is exposure? It is one of the greatest acts of love one can do for another. It says "I love you enough to try and save you from this death you are courting". It's not finger pointing, it's the beginning of the restoration process. It is the call to your wayward lover for them to return back to you...

Great post! Thanks...

Welcome! I've seen so many on here the last few weeks that just don't want to expose for so many different reasons.

I know I wish I was here on the forum immediately post dday, and just don't get why something like this is so hard. In a way, this is advice for BS' and in a way, this is a "thanks, I've learned" to everyone who took the time to "teach" us... From Dr H all the way down.

Yeah, I must admit I was one of those. I wish I would've done it earlier but, as they say, hindsight is always 20/20.

The thing that bothered me, even after exposure was the indifference or the excuses made for the wayward, particularly from the in-laws. I heard everything from "your ww is a grown woman and can make her own choices" to "that's just the way women are when they've reached that point". Obviously, all were just their way of sidestepping their responsibility as a loving family member to stand up for what's right. So sad...

CV, your words are a gift from God.
My Wife hasn't spoken to me for 2 months since exposure.....I needed to hear this.
Thank You CV!!

{{{bill}}} Man hug bro... You're doing a good job with what you have to work with.

Here is another advantage of exposure, especially for BH with WW: Any man who just sits back and says, "Whatever makes you happy, honey, just don't be mad at me," when his wife is out with another man is sending a very clear message that He Does Not Care About Her.

No woman wants to stay with a man who sees her with another man and just sits there and shrugs his shoulders helplessly. Why should she? If he cares so little about her, why should she stay with him?

Exposing her affair to the light of day shows the WW that her BH is still willing to fight for her and does NOT want to think about her being with another man.

For BW with WH, there is a similar dynamic: that of "I don't want to lose you and I am willing to fight for you."

That willingness to fight back and SHOW that you still care about the WS often makes a big difference, and it is one that many BS fail to recognize.

This is interesting because it is almost the opposite of what I've seen on another forum called the 180. They say the fastest and easiest way to get a waywayward spouse back is to act like you don't care.

That concept was quite difficult for me, specifically, because it was hard to act like i didn't when I did.

Obviously, I didn't do the 180 even though it doesn't seem like anything I did would have mattered.

I just exposed WH's A to OWH and now I don't know what to expect. But I LOVED this post. Thank you. It gives me hope and strength.

MWD isn't an expert on infidelity.

Harley is.

Classifying walk aways under the same umbrella as wayward spouses is a huge mistake.

Specifically I think the approach is more appealing to some b/c you just ignore the A.

But just read and it's clear. I have seen more people enter recovery using MB principles and the knock out exposure method than ignore the A method.

The BS isn't the problem, that is secondary in nature for marital recovery.

The first and only problem during an A.....is the A

If steps are not taken to end the A, there is no shot at recovery.

Plan B is a hard core 180.

Plan A is also doing things "out of the box" We all know how hard it is to hold your tongue when your wayward is spewing venom at you, and blaming you for all that is wrong in their lives.

It took everything out of me to keep my cool during my Plan A. My wayward was really angry!

Tough

The 180, which I tried, made my FWH happy. Because he was then free to pursue his time with OW without me bugging him.

Not the best plan ever. It is also dependent on the WS being able to pull their head out of their addictive behavior all by themselves, and to end the affair on their own.

My FWH was not able to do that.

I read on that forum, too. I see a lot of people who just need a straight up Plan B. Because sitting, wishing, waiting isn't a plan. It's a good song, but not a plan to end an affair.

The following link is my "exposure story" .... way back when no one had a cell phone. People wore "pagers" clipped to their belt or their purse.

Pepperband's discovery & exposure tale

EXPOSE already.

Sheesh!

Wow Pep. Just wow. How long have you guys been recovered?

Since early 1996.
Mr Pep's sobriety began the day of discovery.
He started attending AA regularly about 10 days later.

I wish I'd had MB for recovery.
I did OK with D Day and exposure .... but the way I recovered was ( ummmmm) sometimes not very nice towards Mr Pep.
All I can say is, his love bank must have been pretty good .... because I can DJ like no body's business.

We had an excellent counselor. He had been a priest, but left that profession and later married. He was soulful and wise. Also, he was happily married.

I even DJ'd the counselor a few times!

Age has mellowed me.

I think that sometimes a newbie (noobie) reads Dr Harley"s *** BASIC CONCEPTS *** and tries to apply those concepts during their spouse's affair.

WRONG !

They assume that Plan A is Plan "be nice".

WRONG !

They assume that upsetting their spouse via exposure is a worse offense than their spouse's affair/adultery.

WRONG !

And the underpinning of the common misconception about Plan A is that meeting the needs of their wandering spouse will be enough to stop the affair.

WRONG !

The purpose of Plan A (carrot and stick) is to shake things up in affair-land.
The purpose of exposure is to cause as much social discomfort for the adulterers as possible.

OMG! My wife told me I was just like you... Or you were just like me... I can't remember! We didn't do the counseling, but the rest is pretty close to how we did it too.

Thanks for the peek into your life. It really is encouraging to see other folks stumble through like us and still make it.

Just wanted to add my support here, for this awesome post! Also, a huge THANKS for the others on here who have gone before and held many a hand for those of us who came along later needed one to go through with it!

Exposure can be scary, for sure. When I was staring it in the face I looked at it as a form of self respect - righteous indignation even, in addition to what all CV said. A spouse that is cheating does not respect the spouse at home. Who could respect someone who is allowing an affair to continue and doing nothing? And if that spouse does not respect you - they certainly can't love you. Love and respect go hand in hand.

I was on the "180 site" for awhile before coming here (was unaware of MB at the time) and got banned for talking about how exposure worked to save my marriage. Well...all I can say is, 180s sure hadn't worked. Oh, it made things nicer for my H for awhile - and perhaps some of the 180ing was a bit of Plan Aing... but unbeknownst to me, while I was 180ing my H was ramping up his affair from an EA to a PA!

Yeah... I'll stick with Exposure.

AWESOME story, Pepper!!!!! LOVE it!

I couldn't agree more!
My Wife just ignores me since exposure .... she's mad at me ..... so be it.

Bill, I get that, too. My ww and family told me if I wanted to get her back, telling her business wasn't the way to do it. I wish I didn't have anything to tell.

And they BELIEVE that krap!!!!!.....they REALLY believe that keeping it all secret is the answer.
If I had been the cheater....they'd see it different!

My response to her family was I thought they were care enough about her and our family to tell her she was wrong. Their responses were all the same. "She's a grown woman and she makes.her own decisions. She knows what's right and wrong. We can't change her". I said that I knew that but they could definitely influence her. They all are too cowardly to stand up against her. From what I've learned, its always been that way and it doesn't seem like it'll change. It definitely doesnt make me feelgood good knowing that my daughter will grow in this atmosphere as well. And I actually told them that. I got no response.

My WH family is the same way. They keep making excuses for him and telling me I need to "get my emotions in check" at which that point I stopped talking to them. If they are going to support my WH's A then I do not want them in my life either. My MIL actually had the nerve to ask me if I was a good wife. I laughed and almost hung up on her.

Thankfully, the exposure to his work came from the OWH and not me. I was nervous about that. But what is done is done and I think it was the right thing to do.

Good luck with yours.

After I'd heard that for the last time, I erased all her family from my cell phone, unfriended them all of Facebook and I haven't talked to them since. I see MIL and ww's aunt at church weekly but we don't speak.

I exposed my WH's affair with a coworker about a fortnight ago. He is not speaking to me, he is mad as hell. But, at least it's all out in the open and they can't claim it to be this great love story that 'just happened to them'. For me, a huge motivation was to get some accountability on my WH's part as he's been less than honest about everything. He is still seeing her but I'm hoping the fizz will have gone a bit.

I got you beat......my Wife hasn't spoken to me in 2 months...."accountability"...I don't think my Wife understands the concept!
She cheated.....I didn't!!
I'm far from the perfect Husband.....but I accept my flaws and want to change for the benefit of BOTH of us!.....my Wife is still playing the "Blame Game".
It is what it is right now.

Ah, the Blame Game....
Yes, my WH is playing that one too. I am the one who is ruining his reputation at work by telling everyone HE is sleeping with his colleague...
Logic, commom sense, it all seems to go straight out of the window for the wayward.

Dr Harley and Joyce address anger over exposure in this radio clip, go to 4:40: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=3358

Melody what day is that from?

yesterday. It is in clip #3.

Interesting piece, but it does focus on the premis that the WS is taking resposibility, and holds themselves accountable for their actions.
Unfortunatley in my case (and I guess I'm not the only one)my WS is totally unrepentant for his actions and behaviour.
If anything, it is all my fault according to him.

He has now convinced himself that I did not really love him, just the lifestyle he provided...and that's why he left me, nothing to do with his affair..
He seems to have forgotten that due to previous years of hard work, teamwork, of give & take and so on, we got the lifestyle we did.

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