Hi Guys,

I don't know if you can help me now as this has been going for a while now and I tried fixing it on my own to no avail.

I was with my husband for 13years, married for 4. In 2007 I was diagnosed with depression and began becoming very distant from him as I partly blamed him for my condition. He never came to councilling with me eventhough I asked him too so he could understand what I was going through. His reason being that he did not want to be judged. However, he was a loving husband and would do almost anything for me.

My husband started to change his behaviour and I sensed something was wrong. I began noticing that he was spending a lot of time talking to one of my close friends of 8years at work. we all worked at the same place and still do (i know crazy. More and more scenarios were occurring to make me suspicous so I had to know one way or the other. I thought if something was going on between them he would try and contact her on a special occasion. Seeing as christmas was only days away. I took his mobile and replaced her number with mine under her name. Christmas morning arrives and I receive a text message while husband was in the bathroom...'merry christmas baby, wish I was with you.'

Instantly confronted him to which he replied he didn't do anything wrong. I proceeded to call his father to let him know that we wouldn't be joining the family for christmas this year as his son was having an affair on me with one of my so called good friends. His father was crushed and very angry with him for a long time.

I told my boss what was happening and that it may affect my work performance and i needed time off.
We went away to an organised christmas holiday where I tried to work things out with him, I didn't want my marriage to end as I loved him, had a great circle of friends, enjoyed trips overseas and had been relatively happy for most of the our time together.

Jumping forward in time, he moved into his brother's house who lives a couple of streets away and he is still seeing her but won't move into her place. He has told me things do not feel the same with her but she treats him like a king and there are many things he loves about her. She rubs it in my face whenever she can, carrying on laughing loudly and projecting happiness when I'm in ears distance. I hate her for what she has done. She envied me, saw what I had and wanted it. She use to be obese and spent many years losing most of the weight. was once married and has two teenage girls.Funny thing was, I was helping her with her long standing eating disorder by organsing for her to see my counciller...(who needs friends)

My ex still comes to visit me at work 'wants his cake and eat it too'' and acts like I'm his best friend...said it would be a shame not to be in each other's lives after spending so much together. Tells me that he still cares for me and does not want to get divorced because he will never marry again. It has been two years since we separated, I still hurt and think about it everyday. I thought about leaving work to get away from the situation but then decided not to as I was the victim, had done nothing wrong and was in a very responsible postion that I spent 10years getting to. I decided to walk in with my head held high eventhough it killed me inside.

I guess I'd like to know why he keeps a link to me?
Do you think they will last?
how can I make him realise what he has done is not right, should I stop all communication with him?
thanks x

BTW,I forgot to mention that the brother that my ex now lives with hates my ex friend too for what she has done and is not welcome in their home.

*edit*

Im_an_insider is a troll. Don't listen. There are a lot of good people around here who can help you! It is still early, not many people have had their coffee yet! So hang on!

Wow. Your husband sure is a cake eater. Since it's been two years, it sounds like you need to go to a dark plan B. You're doing something for him that she doesn't do. The Plan B will take that away from him. Will he comeback? Maybe but unlikely. However, the plan B will let you rebuild your life and get away from the crazy making the waywards and their affair toy are so good at creating. It's a win win for you. The plan B will let you recover emotionally so that if your marriage ends, you will be able enter into a healthy relationship with another man that will respect and cherish you.

Only you can decide whether it makes sense to quit your job - her throwing their relationship in your face is abuse. Subtle, but still is. The bad thing is you can't do anything about it legally.

Do you have kids with him?

If you do, are there any orders for child support or custody?

I ask this because one reason he may be dragging his feet is because he doesn't want to get hit with you getting custody of the kids and crushing child support.

I wish someone would get Im_an_insider off of these boards. This person is constantly giving advice that doesn't mesh with MB principles. Sounds just like the hack I had the misfortune to hire in the aftermath of my wife's affair.

I don't know what he/she hopes to accomplish with the poor advice offered, but it appears to be the ramblings of a person that likes to hear himself/herself talk or see their rather insipid thoughts in print.

Cd, if you want to continue to wallow in misery, listen to Im_an_insider. If you want help in taking control of this situation, moving forward into a better, more fulfilling life, with or without your husband, listen to the folks who've been registered on this web site for more than a week.

Sounds like you should do a plan B. You want to send him the message that he cannot get what he wants as long as he is in an affair. I would also expose a little wider than you have if possible. Get his family to continue the pressure on him. Being mad at him isn't enough. They need to help pursuade him to end the affair.

CV

I'm sorry to hear your story. You have found the right place.

Your WH keeps a link to you because you still meet the EN that OW cannot. It also helps your WH to "justify" his own bad behaviour because he can tell himself that he is a good guy by remaining your friend. You are enabling WH by allowing him to treat you this way.

You cannot educate your WH about right and wrong. But you can show him that you will no longer allow yourself to be treated this way. File for divorce (it doesn't mean that you have to follow through if WH changes) and let him know that you will not be his friend.

Seeing OW at work each day must be eating you alive. Find a new job and start working on your own recovery.

Read up on Plan B. Do it right.

I took his mobile and replaced her number with mine under her name.


I love this.

I wish I had thought about that. We need to put that under the investigation forum.

Question - are you still married or are you divorced?

Why does WH maintain a link to you? because you meet at least some of his important emotional needs. Click on the MB link to the EN (emotional needs) questionnaire, and fill it out from your WH's point of view. This is so you can ramp up a Plan A right before you Plan B him.

Plan A is both a carrot and a stick. (see the link in my sig line)
Increase your love bank deposits to WH for about 2 weeks.

Do I think WH and OW will "last"? Like in forever and ever? Absolutely not. I think your WH is happy as a clam having 2 women love him. As long as there are few real consequences to this, he will keep doing this. This is "cake eating". It's what waywards do when they hold onto their spouse and their OW at the same time. WH likes the triangle. The BW hates the triangle. The OW views the triangle as a competition and she tolerates it better than you do.

How can you "make him realize" what he has done is "not right"?
He already knows it is not right.
HE DOES NOT CARE. Cake eaters are lustful gluttons, and have no inclination to ponder right from wrong. Do not waste your breath/energy/time trying to educate a cake eater WH.

Should you "stop all communication" with WH?
Not yet.
But soon.

I strongly suggest you Plan A like a Diva for 2 weeks.
SET A DATE for Plan B.
Then, go as dark as possible.

Read up on Plan A first.
Click the link in my sig line.

Ditto!

BRILLIANT !!!!

LINK to EN questionnaire

It's a pity you only arrived here after two years of this A going on. Exposure of the A at your office, to your boss AND to HR would likely have had positive results, with likely the OW having to leave the job (it would be either the OW, or both yourself and your WH). That may have brought the A to an end pretty quickly.

You are separated.
He is NOT your "ex".
He is still your husband until you are legally divorced.
Is there some legal separation currently in place?

Depression:

Are you getting treatment?
Are you exercising?
Sleeping?
Eating?
Getting out and doing fun stuff?

What is your current support system? Friends? Family? Clergy?

Thank you all for your advice. I will instigate plan be this week and see how it goes. It really did crush me when I discovered the truth because it was double betrayal. I did resign from work but the owners didn't want me to go and finally persuaded me to stay. The OM even did my hair for my wedding and I was her boss at work.
I know the WM feels he needs to say connected to me maybe perhaps it doesn't work out between them. But, I cant kept being used as a doormat and yes it probably makes him feel less guilty for what he has done. I will start plan B and let you know how it goes.

I'm angry for my bosses not doing more when they found out too as my ex and I have both worked there for 15 years. Apparently you can't sack people for
having affairs? I do feel there were a couple of enablers that made ex keep up

I am deeply sad about the marriage ending and would have tried again to save it but that was impossible when the other woman was at work 5 days a week
the affair.

Also, the ex told me several times during our separation that he wanted to try again but didn't know how to end it with her. That he wasn't himself when he did what he did and thought he had depression to which is why he did it. I said to him as long as he associates with her in any manner there is no chance for us. She walks around so fake, happy and over the top because she knew I had depression so tries to rub it in. She also lied to people at work as how they got together and they never started seeing each other until we were well separated.

We are still married I wanted him to file and the get the proceedings going. I was going through too much at the time and felt that wouldb another terrible situation to handle. When I discovered the affair we were just about tostart a major renovation on our home.... Two storey, three bathroom, kitchen project. He left the house and the renovations for me to go through alone. We don't have children which I guess is a good thing but now I really worry I won't experience the love of a child. I'm 37 and my ex is 36. The scumbag is 38.

I have seen a therapist for the last year and taking antidepressants. I joined the gym a couple of weeks ago. I'm not going to let this destroy me. My sleep has been the worst hit with some nightsno sleep at all

I know I wish I had of sort help sooner too because my work didn't do enough to takeaway the pyschological pressure I was experiencing. My ex is remorseful but the OM couldn't care less and does anything in her power to upset me like, placing photos of themselves on her desk whiteboard forall to see. Mind you my bosses came to my wedding only 3 years before

completeddisaster, have you read up on Plan B? Plan B is a completely dark separation where you never see or speak to your WH. That means you can't work together anymore. SEeing them together at work like you have has been a disaster for your mental health and it has also propped up the affair.

Please leave the job. That is your only hope. I am sorry you are in this situation.

Plan B is initiated with a love letter that gives him your conditions to come back. Any communication would need to be handled through a designated intermediary. There is a thread in the notable posts section about "How to Plan B properly" I would go check that out. We can help you with any follow up questions.

Thank you! I will read the example love letters it will be very hard for me to leave the job because I've been there since I graduated university. I'm a formulating chemist creating cosmetics for a successful brand. Now that is going to be taken from my life too. So not only have I lost my husband, the closeness of mutual friends we once shared, the chance to have children and now the job I love.

I wish they had of left

Is there someone in HR you could talk to about their affair? You are still married, it is still an affair. There should be something the company could do.

I would let them know, either they leave or I do.....let her make that call. Prepare to leave, update resume, start making contacts within your industry.

Listen to Melody....she is a great source of advice.

CD, I've read through your thread again, and I see a lot of positives here for saving your M. If, indeed, you really want to keep that hound dog husband in your life. (My apologies to that honorable breed of dog.)

The thing is this: in order for that to happen, YOU'RE going to have to pull the switch. Your WH has already told you that he doesn't know how to end it (I remember those same words out of my husband's mouth, after he was exposed at work.) That leaves the heavy lifting up to you. Sorry.

One critical thing I picked up while re-reading your thread: This tells me your work is profitable for your employers. Use this to your advantage. Go back to your employer and tell them that you are in an untenable situation - you are forced to have your nose rubbed daily in the disgusting affair between your WH and the OW (btw, CD, 'OM' stands for Other Man. 'OW' stands for Other Woman.) Tell them that you can no longer handle the emotional distress that this causes you. (Use those words: EMOTIONAL DISTRESS. That may come in handy later on.)

See, the thing your employer did was to appeal to your success in their company in order to keep you and not have to do anything about the affair. And they succeeded. You need to let them know that you can no longer participate in this EMOTIONALLY DEVASTATING (use those words) work situation.

This will accomplish one of two things:
1. Your employer will be panicked at the thought of losing you and will make accommodations for you so that you are no longer having your nose rubbed in this every day. They'll need to move the affairees to a place that you never have to deal with.
2. They will accept your resignation.

Either is healthier than the hell you're going through now. If they choose #1, you'll keep your job and be able to commence Plan B, which may well save your M, from the way your WH sounds.
If they choose #2, you're looking for work in a field where you appear to excel. AND they've just left themselves open for a sexual harrassment lawsuit. You are currently working in a hostile environment. Never a good thing for an employer. And you can still go to Plan B.

I love that plan MB.

CD put this plan in action. Your employer is risking a lot by not addressing this situation. You might even put those two senerios in writing.

Work on a letter of resignation with those words. If they have legal council, those phrases will raise red flags. That is why most companies don't allow office romances.

Ok guys, interesting night! I decided to stick with plan a for a couple of weeks that was advised a few posts ago and wow did he open up a little tonight. Told me he still cares about me, what he was doing in the evening at his friends place and would catch up with me at work tomorrow for a chat. Sooooo I'll keep this plan going for a while longer. I honestly don't think hubby loves ow the same as me which works in my Cavour.

I will post my letters where I have previously stated the affair was pyscho logically disturbing to my mental health but the company just wants to sweep it under the carpet and not food the necessary actions to stop it when it was first known. I feel that they were enablers without knowing it!

One thing I have in my Cavour my hubby and I both want children while the *edit* has been there and done that with teenage daughters and doesn't want to do it all over again.

The plan b letter will come. Thank you so much for your help x

Very clever!



You are a natural MBer! I have no doubt you will plan A like a rockstar. The poor little wayward wont know what to do with your sweetness and light! It will trap him like a net.

Your story really resonates with me. Check out my signature, the OW in my case was my oldest friend, who had shown jealousy of me in the past but I had never seen anything like this coming. She did my wedding hair too!

The most maddening thing is you KNOW they have talked about you, dissected things about your relationship that was none of her business. Oh and I bet she set up girlie chats with you about 'how things were going with you two' as well didnt she?

My OW is no longer in competition with me because I am nowhere to be seen. She is left only with the alien intruder of my marraige, which is not, I think what she envied. She no longer has to preen and smile for my benefit. I am not there. My WH is no longer getting needs met from me - he is left with the cold comfort of a soulless and jealous woman.

I have found a lovely and perfect peace, which is rarely disrupted through Plan B - and it has only been five months for me.

Do Plan A first, I am smiling thinking of how well you will do.

Then join us for some healing in Plan B.

He's playing you like a fiddle. He has felt the warm, fuzzy effects of Plan A and thinks you're coming around to his way of thinking when it comes to having you as well as OW in his life. And that's fine. The contrast will be huge when you go to Plan B.

CD, what is the plan? When will you be leaving that job?

All sounds good. How is the work place? Did you speak or send letter to HR or supervision? Is skankyOW still flaunting her new found "toy"?

Stay positive, Plan A can be tough. Stay calm, polite and loving.

We are all cheering for you.

Hi Indiegirl,

YES we did have girly chats about how my marriage was going in fact, I was confiding in her about how I was having troubles in my marriage and so was WH that I was not aware of. So she used the situation to her advantage, she knew exactly what buttons to push to make him interested in her. She always envied my life.... The fact that I had a loving husband, great friends, job. She even dyed her hair the same colour as mine. When I would launch a new product she wanted to be centre stage and conduct the presentation to the sales team eventhough I was the scientist and creator while she was the hairdresser and helped me evaluate the products. I should have seen it a long time ago but I felt sorry for her as a single mum so took her under my wing. She is a very nasty piece of work. I will read up on your story xx

CD,

Don't avoid the work place. If you go Plan B, this will prove to be important.

TTS, I am confused. Can you clarify what you mean? You do understand that in order to go into Plan B she needs to leave that job, right?

Exactly. She needs to leave job. But I'm suggesting she not make it an easy loss for company or OW.

When she applies somewhere else, she needs to be able to say it was the work environment and the OW that caused her to leave. If she just quits, the company will not give her a good reference.

Plan for the future away from that job and a dark Plan B.

The problem with this is that the HR person cannot confirm her story. Her old employer will not incriminate themselves by confirming this. All they'll be able to confirm are her dates of employment and in some cases her salary.

If I were in HR and a new job applicant said negative things about their former employer, I would be suspicious that they have an ax to grind against their former employer. I would be more likely to hire someone who loved their former job, but felt it was time to seek other opportunities for better pay/personal growth, etc.

CD, you need to put in a notice because it's the right thing to do. You also need to keep in mind that you have a few years before the statute of limitations runs out for filing a sexual harrassment grievance against the company.

Thank you for your help x

Thank you for your help x

I had already found another job when I resigned a few months ago. I should have gone through with it and not been persuaded by the owners to stay.

I'm certain the company (family owned) would be worried that I could take them to court for emotional harassment and not adopting duty of care when I exposed the affair to them. Apparently, they could not sack OW or WH which Im unsure about legally. I was forced into meetings where OW would be in attendance and told that I would have to speak to her in order for us to both do our jobs effectively. I documented it all with dates etc. in case I ever needed to use it.

The problem I have is that I'm loyal to the founders of the company who have now past on. I have been with the company for 14years.
If leaving the job is the only way plan B will work then I will have to.

I spoke to WH again today about mutual friends we have etc. he announced that he wouldn't be with OW forever. What a waste then to ruin our marriage! The OW does think it's a competition between us and loves every minute of it. What she fails to see is that she isn't me!

CD,

OW is a hunter, She sees your husband as a Trophy prize. She looks at this as a challenge. Once you are out, if that happens, she will lose interest in your WH. She needs a thrill....

Now as far as your employer. I don't know what state you live in and it may not matter, but they have only one choice.... You quit or they fire the other two. I would quit. The OW or your WH won't sue them.... They would have to explain to a judge the affair and your emotional state at work could be used as a justifiable reason. One question.... Have the owners even spoken to the OW or WH about their actions? Have they told them to knock it off!! If not, your case for emotional pain and hostile work place is a no brainer. They have been negligent and that is a big NO NO in the business world.

Do something....bc the probability of Plan B seems high in your case.

See an attorney about RO and support from WH if you quit job.

Keep posting your progress.

CD, what is your plan about going into Plan B? Are you looking for another job? You have been in Plan A for how long now? Quite some time. Plan A for a woman is supposed to last 3 to 4 WEEKS. Then Plan B is warranted. You will need to leave the job anyway because working with the OW makes it an impossible situation for any future recovery of your marriage.

What is your plan to do this?

And do you have the book Surviving an Affair?

Personally, if I were in your shoes, I would get the OW fired and kill the affair. Expose the affair to your HR and tell them this situation is impossible. Expose the affair to everyone else, including the OW's family.

But you have to make a plan here. Having no plan is a plan to fail.

And have you demanded he end his affair? CD, your timid approach is only serving to enable the affair. You are going to get nowhere with an approach like this. If you want to save your marriage, you are going to have buck up here and DO SOMETHING. Doing nothing will not save your marriage!

Hi MD,

I have been in Plan A for about 3weeks. I use to be very hostile to WH and our discussions would be those of anger for what had happened. Now I am being nice as pie and he is responding....visits my office for a chat a couple of times a week.

I will give plan A one more week then go into plan B. No, I don't have the book, "Surviving an Affair" I will order a copy and prepare my plan B letter. I am going to use his twin brother as the IM as he himself has been adversely affected by this affair and wants it ended. I have informed the twin of my plan and he is all for it.

The twin, his wife and I went to a party last night the WH would have felt the exclusion from his circle of friends as the OW is not welcome.
Thank you for your support x

Thanks CD. Do you and your husband live together? If so, what is the plan to separate? And what will you do about the job situation? Because you know it won't work if you continue to work there.

You sound like a smart cookie, so I leave it to you, but your IM needs to be neutral as switzerland.

Someone who can hear all the crazy stuff and not get mad, someone who has no agenda at all. They need to 'filter' and not let you hear any of the stuff theyve filtered out for you

Does his twin fit that bill?

We are separated.

We have a child's birthday party that we are both invited to on Sunday, he said he is going. I am going to instigate plan b the Monday or Tuesday

Hi Guys,

I have implemented plan B. I expressed that I was sorry for not being there for his emotional needs and creating the environment that helped cause the affair. Then, went on to say that I won't be talking to him anymore while he remains with her, as it disrespects what we had. If and when he choose to end the affair then he could be someone in my life. I will always remember the love we shared and the memories we created etc, etc.

WH replied via SMS said he doesn't blame me, that I'm a good person and for that good things will come my way and it makes him sad, he'll never forget me xx

Is WH response too accepting of my decision? Is he over me and the marriage?

Before I respond to your questions, CD, please answer this one: have you left the job?

Not yet. But I don't have to see him at work I can ignore and avoid running into him

You will not be able to pull off a successful Plan B this way. He is able to approach you at any time. All he has to do is walk into your work area and your Plan B is squashed. Ignoring and avoiding is not Plan B. You need to remove yourself completely from his life, which means leaving that job.

What is D Day? Divorce day?

Discovery Day. The day the betrayed spouse discovers the affair.

I agree working in the same place will just be to easy for him to see you and speak to you whenever he feels like it, his reaction might be that you are still in his life and he hasn't had to live without you filling some emotional needs for him, when that stops he is going to think differently, but that will take a solid Plan B, no contact what so ever, block his #'s, email addresses and have him contact a friend if he needs to discuss anything, you won't do it through direct contact in any way.
Let the OW fill all his needs if she can, sit back and watch it fall apart......they will see each other warts and all with no one to blame(you)
Go on being a great woman and take care of yourself and look forward to your future....make new friends, take up a hobby, a new group, sport.......
keep yourself busy.
jessi

Thanks Jessi and maritalbliss. I will try to keep busy, night time is the loneliest and brings sadness to my mind. My D Day was christmas day. It's hard to break the contact with WH but I know it's for the best.

CD. I am sorry for your pain.

You have had this A thrown in your face by two remorseless people for too long. Plan B will help you to recover yourself by removing their toxic behaviour from your life.

Please take control and find a new job. Cut all communication. Go dark.

This is your best chance to recover yourself and find peace.

xx

CD, did you write your WH a Plan B letter? If so, could you post it here(with names, places etc removed)?

You can't be in Plan B if there is ANY chance of seeing your WH OR OW. NO CONTACT MEANS NO CONTACT.

Did you expose this affair far and wide? Does YOUR family know? His family? Ow's family?

Your WH's response to you via SMS was a slap in the face. He was told that you didn't want to communicate with him and then HE COMMUNICATED WITH YOU. He is trying to break down your Plan B.

You should change your phone numbers, email addresses, etc. With no children, and having lived separately for 2 years, there shouldn't be much need for your IM. Does your WH pay SS? Do you own your home? Have you spoken to an attorney to find out about your legal rights? All of these things should have been taken care of BEFORE you entered Plan B. ESPECIALLY leaving your job.

My family knows, his family knows....and WHO knows what OP has told her family to justify their relationship.
I can see that he is trying to break plan B too. Tonight he sent me a message that read, " Craig ( mutual friend) has a good heart for you, I do too. I'm not a bad guy. Maybe I'm going through a mid-life crisis."
Of course I'm not replying! It amazes me how he can send these messages, must be when he is not with her.

I wrote my WH a plan b letter in messages via the phone because,. I gave him "true hearts letter" to read and as I felt it gave more devastating impact.

CD, I am very concerned that you are going about this in piecemeal fashion. This is a haphazard Plan B that may well backfire on you.

Your Plan B letter should have been personalized and should have come from you. Sending it in 140 characters over three or four texts took all the impact out of it. And just copying trueheart's words to convey this important message makes me wonder if you weren't interested in making the effort. Or is it because you know you wouldn't really mean it?

His number should be blocked on your phone. There should be no way he can communicate with you. You shouldn't be seeing anything coming from him.

We've talked about the job, and you obviously have chosen to live your daily life, peeking down the hall to make sure he's not coming before you step out of your work area. You'll also need to make sure they're not in the break room when you go to lunch. Or in the parking lot at the end of the work day.

I can't imagine how you feel this Plan B will work or be effective for you. Nothing has changed except the stress will be on you to avoid them at work. How can that be a good thing??

I also suspect that it is so watered down that he will easily erode any boundaries you put up to protect yourself from the two of them.

And the problem with inititating a weak Plan B is that the WS can easily see that you don't mean it. It will be business as usual for them in no time.

This isn't Plan B. This is Plan I'm Not Speaking To You. For Now.

cd, this isnt Plan B, hon.

click the how to plan b correctly link in my sig. It gives excellent preparation advice. First though you need to get the APs fired or get yourself another job.

Remember Plan B is FOR YOU. You need peace. You need to know he cant reach you, no matter how much he wants to. Most importantly of all you need plans to build your own future, in which you heal.

Just changing my number made me feel better. Before that I watched my phone like it had explosives in it. I was tied to the puppet string that the cheaters yanked me around with whenever they wanted.

Remove all drama. Build your own life.

IF plan b has an effect on your WH, he can tell his IM that he is willing to go NC. That should be the only possible method he has of reaching you. All the other doors should be shut.

Hi Maritalbliss, you are hard on me, but I guess it's what I need so thanks x

The work issue is hard for me as I have been very successful in the company. I have managed for 2years walking in everyday and experiencing situations with the both of them that I have had to block. I have gotten very good at it...

I haven't put 100% into plan B because I fear that I have lost him and she will win no matter what I do. She seems to have so much luck on her side or she is simply cunning and ensures she triumphs with work and my husband....

Here is my draft letter, what do you think? I hope he doesn't show her.


I apologize to you for my part in creating an environment that helped make your affair with OW possible.

I pursued my career without understanding my responsibility to meet your most important emotional needs. I was not there for you when you needed me the most, and we are now both suffering for my mistakes. I was distant, lost and angry because I had depression and I took it out on you and for that I am deeply sorry. You were my best friend and I let you down�I let us down and I didn�t fight to keep our marriage strong. Instead, I felt sorry for myself and thought the world owed me something.
I did not realize how much it meant to you for me to be there for you, the handholding, the hugs and kisses to name a few. I also could not see through my own confusion on why I was so angry. I now clearly see many of those things I was lacking in. I just didn't understand how important it was to you.
The past 2 years have been a difficult time for me, the most emotionally traumatic in my life. I am still feeling the hurt and pain because we have somehow misplaced our trust and respect. But lately I have the strength that I never knew I possessed. I have grown and matured more than I have in my entire lifetime. I cannot sit here today and say that I know all that I need to know about relationships, but I can honestly say that I have learned a lot about honouring, and companionship.
I have decided that I will be having no communication with you, and I will avoid seeing you. This is not to punish you, it is to protect my feelings for you. If we continue as we are now, there would be nothing left. It is truly sad what has happened to our marriage and us.
If and when you end your relationship permanently with Megan I am willing to be a part of your life. I ask that you respect my decision to separate from you in this way. You must know the pain and suffering I have endured because of your relationship with Megan and it is unhealthy. I simply cannot be in-contact with you any longer, knowing that you and her are together.
I loved you when we married and I continue to love you right up to this day. Thank you for the memories, the beautiful loved we once shared, and the loving person that you are, that led me to you. Never forgotten, forever in my heart.

thanks IG I will read the plan b prep. :-)
I don't look at my phone anymore, I have it on silent always. I do not reply to his messages which have been more frequent since i told him i was cutting out communication.

Ironically; I was meeting with the HR Manager today over other non-related topics and I saw the tramp and the WH talking. I logged it with HR and said that I didn't want to see it again. The WH was then spoken to and warned that if they breech their documented warnings; being seen in the same area together wilfully promoting their relationship, then it will lead to disciplinary action and dismissal thereafter.

Oh it will be fantastic if he shows her! I sent my OW a photocopy of my hand-written love letter with an attached note saying I could make WH happy and was willing to wait for him to give me that chance. It is what you are advised to do in SAA.

(and in Art of War - When weak appear strong)

Remember, you were targeted by this woman because she saw you as the queen of your circle, the woman who had everything.

Its time to start acting like one. Write the letter like a queen granting favours. Be gracious, willing to forgive, beguiling, talk about the hot, romantic history he only has with YOU - but also be unflaggingly FIRM. Write like you have no notion of being turned down.

Remember you are his WIFE! Why should you be afraid of this letter being seen? She is nothing but a flirty little usurper whose days are being counted down. She knows this too. Pierce her insecurites.

This will cause havoc in the A due to her jealousy, no matter how he responds.

I like your letter but make it more of a love letter. Start with a very romantic memory. (I went into Plan B on P15ish of my thread if you want to read mine, written with help from Pepperband. I began it with a line about how our first kiss was in the rain. I guarantee you this sent my OW into a jealous rage and that WH keeps the letter under his pillow)

You talk a lot about your depression and how hard things have been for you. Not only is that not the image you want to give off, but hes not going to read any of that. A waywards attention span when it comes to hearing about the betrayal is half a second. They also hate the guilt like poison. I did mention it in mine by saying: 'Your affair rips my heart out and my pain must be attended to' where I request NC. The difference is that if you talk about your pain, it must be snappy and easy to remember. Otherwise he just wont read it.

Remember you have to lay traps for waywards. I like the loving tone in your ending paragraph, bring something like that up higher to start it with - ending and starting on a high note.

that really isnt good enough. you need to tell them in no uncertain terms that either they go, or you do.

This sounds like nothing short of hell. Like you, Im a pretty strong personality and I could have done this with my chin up and a calm face if I had been forced to. But why do it? The energy it takes to endure could have been spent on your life and your healing. You shouldnt have to block daily attacks. Plus you know full well the APs love it.

I was way off, P15 is DDay not plan B on my thread - below is the letter Pep helped me with to give you some pointers...

thank you my friend, Indie x
How is Plan B working for you? I can gather it has helped you heal, has it gained any steps towards progress with WS?
I will adjust the letter based on your suggestions.
I have the art of war somewhere, i have been looking for it the last couple of weeks. An old male friend in my industry gave it to me a year ago and i only put it to my work and politics never to my marriage...it makes sense.

As to progress with WS....

I dont know. My plan B is airtight and completely dark. I dont allow people to talk to me about him even. While he is wayward and undeserving of me, he is not my business and not worthy of my energy or rent free space in my head.

There is real peace in knowing you have done all you could. I Plan A'd like a rock star, I have promised him a fulfilling marriage in writing, then I have allowed him to fully enjoy the consequences of his behaviour - a world without me.

A relative of his recently told me (against my wishes) that he is very unhappy and wants to speak to me. but he will have to get on board with my wishes to get that. If he wants to stay wayward and confused forever, that's his choice. i will be ok no matter what.

CD, this is way too long and places way too much blame on yourself as being the 'cause' of your WH's unfaithfulness.

I'd like to help you trim this down and tighten it up - when you're actually ready to go to Plan B. You won't be in Plan B as long as you continue to work there, as you've already seen in the incident with your HR dept.

You have to understand that your company isn't a babysitter. Sure, because they value your employment they will 'try' to separate the two infidels. But that's not their priority. Turning out a product, with all the work that goes into that, is their priority. Running a business is their priority - not minding the personal lives of their employees. They might make noise about doing so, but that is not their priority, and it will quickly slide down the list on their agenda. As you have seen.

CD, you told your WH that you were cutting off communications, and you continue to see them together at work? He isn't going to take you seriously. He is going to think that you are just being difficult and that he can persuade you to break your Plan B.

Who is your IM?

I think you should use IG's PBL instead of the one you wrote. Your letter sounds too much like you taking blame. Your WH will actually use it to PROVE that he was right in having an affair, because YOU were so rotten. Don't give him that chance.

For you and your WH to recover BOTH of you will need to quit your jobs, and it is often recommended to move away. Just think of you quitting as the first part of that.

The Art of War link in Indie's siggy is how it pertains to MB. You should give it a read.

Has this affair been exposed far and wide? On WH's side? OW's side?

You are still married to your WH. There is no dating while married, that is called "adultery." Expose it as such. Ask others to help persuade WH and OW to end their affair.

Indie is also right. OW should be sent a copy of the PBL, by YOU, to show her that the only reason your WH isn't communicating with you anymore is YOUR choice.

Your WH is typical in that he is a cake-eater.

Get that job gone. You may feel like you have been handling it all very well, but you could feel so much better if you got into a DARK Plan B.

FIRST thing to do, quit your job.

SECOND give your WH PBL

THIRD change your phone numbers and email addresses and cut off any other forms of communication.

FOURTH heal.