I am a 39 year old male (American) my wife is Russian she is 32 we have a 4 year old daughter we have been married 4 years however she says she has no feelings for me and wants a divorce and me to move out right now financially it works for us.I still do love her though as cold as she has been toward me still doing things around house and helping with our daughter and paying bills but can't yes her to death when she tells me what i do wrong.
Hi, wem, we can probably give you some help preventing this divorce.
The first piece of advice I would give you is that unless you are physically violent, addicted to drugs, or guilty of an affair, I do not believe you should move from your home. If your wife is unhappy, there's all sorts of things you can change that can result in her being happy with your marriage. Moving out will not fix anything. If she's not interested in discussing what you can change, then she can move if she's unhappy!
This is important, because courts look badly on men that leave their homes, especially if children are present. You get branded as an abandoner, and can lose some of your rights. And it's true: if you leave your home, you are abandoning them. Even if you're doing it to be a "nice guy" and "give her what she wants."
It's going to be important to know why your wife is asking you to leave. What is her complaint?
Another important question: how does your wife spend her time, and who with?
Thank-You for your response, She works and gets our daughter monday thru friday at daycare and then comes home around 6:30 at night,her complaint is that I lost my job and was out of work three months i am American so i should have had a job right away although the job market wasn't great and next was her saying that I am not making enough in my new job to take care of us,I used to make more in my previous job and she didn't seem to mind then?I pay the bills and we both work however i pay alot more then she does!She gets upset saying that she should be able to stay home and raise our daughter and i said these days two work in the family and if i could she would stay home,She talks to this guy on skype who she is helping to get a visa and working papers and that hurts says that she loves him?over skype she is in love with him hard to accept that he is from where she used to live in Europe.We usede to be close but i think that she thinks no love no feelings for me and we should seperate and me to move out,totally stressed i try to keep quiet hard to do when living in a seperate bedroom!
She said she does not love me and no feelings toward me,I lost my job and took a pay cut in my new job now i work two jobs and this is not enough.She has turned a cold shoulder to any affection from me I am paying bills and taking care of our 4 year old daughter but it's hard to keep a smile when living in seperate bedrooms,Totally stressed today!
She said she does not love me and no feelings toward me,I lost my job and took a pay cut in my new job now i work two jobs and this is not enough.She has turned a cold shoulder to any affection from me I am paying bills and taking care of our 4 year old daughter but it's hard to keep a smile when living in seperate bedrooms,Totally stressed today!
WEM, she wants you to leave so she can move her adultery partner into the house to replace you. She is hoping you will pay the bills for him too.
My suggestion would be to NOT move out and move right back into your bedroom. Tell her if she wants to leave, she is free to go, but you will not give her any money and will not allow her to take the child without a court order.
I would also DEMAND that she end her affair with this loser on the internet. Let her know that her continued contact will result in a DIVORCE and then she will get NOTHING from you. Tell her if she doesn't end her affair, you will file on grounds of adultery and get primary custody of your daughter. SHE will have to pay you child support. Cut off her internet if you have to but don't tolerate her flaunting her affair in your nose right there in your home.
The issue is that your wife is having an affair, it has nothing to do with the money you earn. You should be in Plan A, which is outlined here: here
Open to good feedback. Married in 2004 to my husband 14 years older than me. we seperated for 6 months in 2007/reconsilded at year end. We seperated again in 2008 now past 3 years. I do not want a divorce but I cannot get him to KEEP his word on most of what he says he agrees to do. He will not go to counseling (which we need in order to understand our relationship dynamic). I must admit that his financial help is sorely needed in order for me to keep my head above water. He still pays 2 bills even though we are seperated (phone & car insurance- he is on both plans) which is why I assume he ispaying them. He has been asked to leave his relatives house and wants to come home. I KNOW that he is not ready to come home because nothing has changed. How do I hold onto my husband who is angry and not changed and ready to return fulltime to our marriage?
She talks to this guy on skype who she is helping to get a visa and working papers and that hurts says that she loves him?over skype she is in love with him hard to accept that he is from where she used to live in Europe.We usede to be close but i think that she thinks no love no feelings for me
I was afraid of this. wem, I am so sorry to tell you this, but your wife is having an emotional affair. Men sometimes tend to dismiss these, but research has shown an emotional affair can be just as devastating to a marriage as a physical affair.
What's going on is that your wife's brain, whether she wants to or not, is comparing you to the other man (OM). And since her relationship with the OM is based on fantasy, he comes out the winner and you and your marriage come out the loser.
This board and Dr. Harley's plans can help you break up this affair, which is the real issue in your marriage. Listen carefully to the advice and get to reading so you can understand the tools you will have to use.
You need to also hide any money she has access to because she will wipe you out if she can. Protect yourself financially.
And put a flag on the child's passport...don't let her take your child out of the country.
That is a very good point in this situation, since the wife is not from the country they are living in.
wem, wayward wives (and husbands) sometimes act completely crazy. It is like they are addicted to a drug and will do anything, even completely irrational, destructive, or short-sighted things, to get a fix. She may be completely unpredictable, and you want to be ready for anything.
That craziness (the fog) will go away in time if you can induce her to break off contact with this man and go through withdrawal from the addiction. You will need to read here carefully and listen to the advice to learn how to do that. Don't take any steps at this point until you've read carefully.
I know she wants to move him in eventually but she works and i work but i make more then her she has never taken a cent from me without asking me first however i will change my password online to my bank account she also has her own account(at 1 time this was our account)She does have permanent status here inj the country now only took 5 years!I feel like i can give her a massage when her back hurts and rub her how i feel like but affection forget it we can talk to each other nice but other days it's tuff and friggin pay sprint bill and she is skyping this clown in Belarus still love her but something has to give!
This information can help you turn this around, and we can help if there's anything you need clarified or you need support or examples from real world experience.
I would also suggest that you buy a copy of Surviving an Affair by Dr. Willard Harley, or get it from your library if they have it, and read it thoroughly.
I would also suggest you avail yourself of the opportunity to talk to Dr. Harley directly:
Open to good feedback. Married in 2004 to my husband 14 years older than me. we seperated for 6 months in 2007/reconsilded at year end. We seperated again in 2008 now past 3 years. I do not want a divorce but I cannot get him to KEEP his word on most of what he says he agrees to do. He will not go to counseling (which we need in order to understand our relationship dynamic). I must admit that his financial help is sorely needed in order for me to keep my head above water. He still pays 2 bills even though we are seperated (phone & car insurance- he is on both plans) which is why I assume he ispaying them. He has been asked to leave his relatives house and wants to come home. I KNOW that he is not ready to come home because nothing has changed. How do I hold onto my husband who is angry and not changed and ready to return fulltime to our marriage?
Mildmannered, please start your own thread so others can help you. Click on "new topic" and a box will pop up. Paste this post into the box and type in a title. If you have any trouble, send me an email.
I will read and listen carefully i was told to do trhe opposite of what i normally do instead of arguing with her just agree and it will make her start to think but yeah absolutely want to get her away from this guy.
No, you don't want to agree with everything she says. You can agree to a lot of things that are destructive to your marriage that way!
Look for some help to learn how to distinguish what she says. Large portions of it will be wayward fogbabble and not worth a dime. Under the wayward mindset, you will never measure up. Nevertheless, there may be some valuable clues embedded in what she says that will help you learn how to meet her emotional needs.
One of the most important things for now is going to be communicating to her your willingness to change in order to meet her emotional needs. It will never be "enough" to her under wayward fog, but without it, she may never be willing to recover the marriage.
A marriage that has been devastated by an affair cannot go back to how things were before, a crippled version of the pre-affair marriage. It needs to have a full recovery where husband and wife care for each other exclusively and experience romantic love.
When you are reading in Basic Concepts, give particular attention to "How Dr. Harley Learned to Save Marriages." Then when you are reading in How to Survive Infideltiy, give particular attention to "What are Plan A and Plan B?" Plan A for betrayed husbands is very important. When you get done with all that, you will want to read The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A.
Start asking questions as you are reading so we can help you along.
I know she wants to move him in eventually but she works and i work but i make more then her she has never taken a cent from me without asking me first however i will change my password online to my bank account she also has her own account(at 1 time this was our account)She does have permanent status here inj the country now only took 5 years!I feel like i can give her a massage when her back hurts and rub her how i feel like but affection forget it we can talk to each other nice but other days it's tuff and friggin pay sprint bill and she is skyping this clown in Belarus still love her but something has to give!
Its real important that you take a more pro-active stand against her affair. Your tolerance of her affair reflects a lack of caring. Rubbing her back while she abuses you is not an appropriate response to abuse. It just shows you are a wimp, and women do not love wimps. I would put a stop to her affair and start standing up for your marriage. Cut off her internet, move back into your bedroom and DEMAND she end all contact as long as she lives with you. If she wants to separate then she needs to move out - WITHOUT your child.
She should not be allowed to call the OM or speak to him in you and your child's home. Tell her that is extremely disrespectful and she needs to stop it.
I would fight the affair, lest your child will soon be exposed to some scumbag from Russia. That is how little kids end up abused.
O.k. i will i have fought with her time and time again about her talking to him on Skype and she knows how angry i am but still nothing solved had it out with her last night cutting her phone off and internet.
O.k. i will i have fought with her time and time again about her talking to him on Skype and she knows how angry i am but still nothing solved had it out with her last night cutting her phone off and internet.
Wem, don't fight with her! Just be polite and FIRM and tell her you won't tolerate her affair anymore. ANd move back into your bedroom!!
I am not trying to have ablowout with her i had enough of these things however she knows now that if she continues to flaunt this in my face then it's adultry and i can take my daughter and she won't get any support what so ever!
I was working a chip route and she was working for a deli down the jersey shore this deli was one of my stops and we would talk everyday and after 2 months we went out on a date.It used to be that was the reason but she filed for political asylum before she ever met me that's what the government takes into consideration not that she married an American.Yeah i could see where you would get that from though,I used to think that but found out different.I believe that we were truelly in love at one time.
I want to move back to my bedroom but that will be a big blow up plus my daughter still sleeping in this bed will want her to sleep their and she will give me a hard time i just know it yeah it sucks and unfair i have felt this pain now for almost a year,it hurts alot!
I am not trying to have ablowout with her i had enough of these things however she knows now that if she continues to flaunt this in my face then it's adultry and i can take my daughter and she won't get any support what so ever!
This is an AFFAIR and it IS infidelity. She is pursuing active adultery with this man. She should be told straight out that if she doesn't end ALL CONTACT with this loser that you will divorce her and take the child and she will not get support. Let her know that will be the consequence if she continues contact.
And I would install a keylogger on her computer so you can see everything she says and does there. A good one is eblaster at spectorpro.com
I want to move back to my bedroom but that will be a big blow up plus my daughter still sleeping in this bed will want her to sleep their and she will give me a hard time i just know it yeah it sucks and unfair i have felt this pain now for almost a year,it hurts alot!
If she wants to blow up, that is her prerogative. Don't allow her to manipulate you with her temper tantrums. Just tell her you will be sleeping in your bed and your daughter will sleep in her bed. Don't fight. Just tell her. And if she blows up, smile at her.
You need to stop allowing her to manipulate you. She should never be REWARDED for a temper tantrum. NEVER. You are training her to be a bully.
I like your advice but just one question she already wants a divorce soooo......how by me telling her that i will divorce her get her to stop this?
You will be giving her what she wants then! She should be happy!
She is telling you she wants a divorce in order to manipulate you. You need to take that weapon away from her by telling her, "yes, I will divorce you if this doesn't stop." And you STOP enabling her affair. Stop allowing yourself to be manipulated.
let her know that you will only stay married to her on YOUR CONDITIONS. She ends her affair NOW and you sleep in your own bed. Or this will go to divorce.
O.k. i will i have fought with her time and time again about her talking to him on Skype and she knows how angry i am but still nothing solved had it out with her last night cutting her phone off and internet.
I love that you did this - do the whole firm but loving act. I cant have that in our marriage - doing it because I love you etc.
Maybe your right but Russian girls are different then American just sayin...
Everything you have said about her is word for word what every BH says about a WW of every nationality. We're quite the international crowd in here, I'm in the UK. Waywards are the same everywhere!
Crazy, angry, cold, not listening, refuse to sleep in same room, twist your words etc...
O.K. I will do this and hopefully things will start to go for the better because I have done everthing to this point and nothing has worked and i love my daughter but will not tolerate this sort of behavior from her!
Maybe your right but Russian girls are different then American just sayin...
Girls are girls. We have a bosnian friend who throws tantrums and is very emotional. Her H always calmly responds and never budges. He manages her very well. It takes a strong man to manage a strong willed wild person, but it can be done.
Mel is right though, never reward a wayward for their bad behavior. Or anyone else for that matter!
On the topic of eblast i think that's just for computer not for a cell phone is this what i would need for a cell phone?Would like to get it it's like 100 though?
You believe then i will to but yeah that's funny!I am greek half,irish german and dutch on my mother's side i am good hearted but also will blow a fuse if i think i been wronged enough!Maybe that's the german and irish,lol!
On the topic of eblast i think that's just for computer not for a cell phone is this what i would need for a cell phone?Would like to get it it's like 100 though?
They have eblaster for cell phones now and it runs about $65. It is really good! It works on Androids and blackberry's.
You believe then i will to but yeah that's funny!I am greek half,irish german and dutch on my mother's side i am good hearted but also will blow a fuse if i think i been wronged enough!Maybe that's the german and irish,lol!
I have a hefty dose of Dutch in there that keeps me out of prison.
You believe then i will to but yeah that's funny!I am greek half,irish german and dutch on my mother's side i am good hearted but also will blow a fuse if i think i been wronged enough!Maybe that's the german and irish,lol!
I have a hefty dose of Dutch in there that keeps me out of prison.
Thank-You for all your words I appreciate the support not easy when someone puts you down that your not good enough nnot educated enough funny how she married me though.
Ooh yes the put downs! I forgot about those days. I have a first class degree, I am my friends go-to girl for fun and I am hot (scientifically proven) but as soon as his A with a dumpy moron began I was stupid, boring and old. And I believed him....
Waywards all the same Im afraid.
Always reminds me of the lyrics to 'something inside so strong'
Brothers and sisters When they insist we're just not good enough When we know better Just look 'em in the eyes and say I'm gonna do it anyway I'm gonna do it anyway
That song could have been written about dealing with a wayward...
I want to move back to my bedroom but that will be a big blow up plus my daughter still sleeping in this bed will want her to sleep their and she will give me a hard time i just know it yeah it sucks and unfair i have felt this pain now for almost a year,it hurts alot!
You and your 4yo daughter are sleeping in the same bed?
Think about how an angry wayward could "spin" that bit of information. Get back in your own bed and get your daughter her own.
Didn't read all your story but the parts i did i was blown away by your story,god bless!
Thanks!
Just finished reading the whole thread here... Strong... Be strong... Not a bully, but unmovable in your position. Like a freaking mountain, not a volcano. Quiet, unmovable, majestic.
In MB terms, no angry outbursts. no disrespectful judgments, just be firm as heck in your boundaries and let her marvel and rage against an unmovable object. Eventually the raging should stop.
Open to good feedback. Married in 2004 to my husband 14 years older than me. we seperated for 6 months in 2007/reconsilded at year end. We seperated again in 2008 now past 3 years. I do not want a divorce but I cannot get him to KEEP his word on most of what he says he agrees to do. He will not go to counseling (which we need in order to understand our relationship dynamic). I must admit that his financial help is sorely needed in order for me to keep my head above water. He still pays 2 bills even though we are seperated (phone & car insurance- he is on both plans) which is why I assume he ispaying them. He has been asked to leave his relatives house and wants to come home. I KNOW that he is not ready to come home because nothing has changed. How do I hold onto my husband who is angry and not changed and ready to return fulltime to our marriage?
Mildmannered, you are posting on another poster's thread. Your issue will get lost. Please copy your post and start your own thread so we can help you.
I want to move back to my bedroom but that will be a big blow up plus my daughter still sleeping in this bed will want her to sleep their and she will give me a hard time i just know it yeah it sucks and unfair i have felt this pain now for almost a year,it hurts alot!
Well, I guess if she has to blow up, she has to blow up. IT'S YOUR BEDROOM. Get your butt back in there! And put your daughter back in her own bed - she doesn't need to be sleeping with her mother.
OUT at her friends house drinking wine i don't matter,fed up with her feel isolated paying the bills wants me out can't save to do that it's definetly over i really tried my best.She has someone else sucks to live here told her i will tell judge that she was cheating in the marriage think that she don't care can't save to get out of here paying most bills she works but doesn't make alot i feel so depressed very little friends here while she has her RUSSIAN friends it BLOWS!!!!
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