I was listening to some old radio shows and happened to listen to 11.11.2010 show where Dr Harley explained why is it that when a spouse says �I love you but I�m not in love with you� that it usually means that s/he is having an affair.
Well, I thought it was just sad statistics, but Dr Harley explained that by using his concept of contrast effect. When your spouse tells you that he is no longer in love with you, it usually means that there IS someone to whom he IS in love with right now, otherwise he wouldn�t know what it FEELS like to be IN LOVE. You don�t know what it is to not be in love unless you are in love with somebody else.

Thought it might be useful piece of knowledge for newcomers.

I have puzzled over this one.

I was never sure whether it was a genuine expression of the wayward's feelings - or whther it was an 'excuse' to hold the BS at bay while not having to leave the marital home.

I think it's both. The contrast effect feels very real to the wayward - the affair feelings are more exciting, more vibrant more 'in love' than just love.

But I also think the wayward is well aware that they need the BS to meet some needs in order to prop up the high they are getting, so they try to keep them around.

Interesting thought, indie.

I think that there is nothing genuine in this - when a WS says it, he is deep in the fantasy, and everything he says during that high time can be considered BS.

Dr Harley said that it is important to notice that they do not say that they are having an affair, instead they use this I love you, butt... line.

It is noticeable that this line only can be a proof of full-blown affair.

Count me in as another BS who heard these words and subsequently (in my case two years later), found out that they were said during an A/EA.

I remember when they were first said to me that I actually wished that my spouse would just say she did not love me. That would have been enough for me to give up way back then. But that need to have cake and eat it to explains it perfectly and sadly.




Hurting Turkey
Me: BS 57
WW: 50
Ours: DS 12

My wife told me 1st that she didn't love me. That she wasn't sure she ever did. Later she gave me the ILYBNILY line.

Equally bad in my opinion, but for different reasons. OM used my wife's guilt to work her on this one. She was essentially a parrot for him. Nearly everything out of his mouth came through hers to me. It didn't take long for me to figure out what she was doing. I agree it's all complete BS because of the fantasy aspect of it though.

The contrast is a contrast between Love Bank balances.

The "I don't think I've ever loved you" is confirmation bias at work, as well as how memory works; we reconstruct our memories with the information we currently have.

So, when trying to look at an emotional memory; no love now = no love before - a memory of love can not be constructed in the present without a current emotion tied to that person.

MrsR,

When I got that one from my W I didn't know what to think.

I think it means that the WS has moved you into the Brother/Sister/Mother/Father/Friend category who are people they love, but not in a sexual way.

In the case of a BS who is mostly blameless and is still providing for many needs, it expresses their selfish desire to have you continue to supply what you are good at.

God Bless
Gamma

Quote

I think it means that the WS has moved you into the Brother/Sister/Mother/Father/Friend category who are people they love, but not in a sexual way.

That could be, what they're saying is that I no longer want to be intimate (not just sex) with you.

For me I would ask what is the difference of love or being "in love", actually sounds like just more of the sort of stupid crap a lot of waywards say.

But in 9.99 times out of ten, ILYBINILWY is a code phrase for I'm having an affair and blaming it on you, it's your fault I no longer love you. Look at what you've done, you've driven me away, I'll show you.

Not if it's a WH. At least it didn't mean that to mine, because SF still happened AFTER the ILYBNILWY speech.

In my case, I think it was said mostly to get me off his back. I wouldn't stop hounding him about where he was all the time and what he was doing. I didn't necessarily know about an A then, but I did suspect it.

I do believe that it is a contrast thing. They know that they have feelings for someone else, and those feelings are happier than the ones they have for you.

Whatever the reason, if you get the ILYBNILWY speech, suspect an affair.

Yes, I've been hearing him say the same thing from 2006-2007.

If I understand him correctly, he says a large number of people who are in love don't know they are in love! So if they fall out of love with their spouse they aren't aware of that either. What they are aware of is if they are in love with someone else, they can then tell that they are not feeling that for their spouse.

My personal experience has been different: I have been roughly aware of being in and out of love, and have had no affair. And a few years ago, I might have actually said something like "I am still committed to loving you by caring for you, but I don't seem to feel the feeling of romantic love any more." (I probably would've used different words pre-MB. But any way you word it, it sounds an awful lot like ILYBINILWY.)

But I think I am very much an outlier on this, a bizarre exception. Dr. H also says most men are literally so unaware of their emotions they don't know what they are feeling! I on the other hand can almost always tell you what I feel, and tend to be an emotional basket case. I have a hypersensitive set of wiring. (Pray for my poor, poor wife!)

I too got the ILYBINILWY line during my hardships in my marriage before MB. Howver .. I am thankful it was only an internet fad that was creating the contrast effect and nothing ever became physical. At the time .. neither one of us knew what an EA was .. and once I got my wife onboard with MB and we read HNHN .. a light bulb came on for both of us .. and as we implemented MB concepts ... all her rewriting history got rewritten again in a positive light.

So .. yes .. i agree .. ILYBINILWY is a red flag indication that there is a contrast effect in place. Its just not a clear indication that a physical affair is going on but an alarm bell to tell you to start snooping to find out whats going on thats causing it.

Its funny how the Infidelity disease has all the same symptoms. My XWW had the same line as well, and she conjured that up on her own. Amazing the same thing from yet another ww. I just have to shake my head over this, but you guys are shedding some light on this for me. Especially since she just recently told me she has hated me for the last 14 years. I guess you cannot reconstruct the memory of love.

I got the ILYBINILWY line on Dday. I remember thinking this is crazy, of course you are not 'in love' with me, we've been together for 12 years and our love has evolved into something far more wholesome and mature.
But I guess the fantasy feelings he has for OW are a lot more exciting and intoxicating by comparison.

I got that speech too, long ago, from a very foggy wayturd, one of MB's worst, in fact.

It means, "While I do love you, I don't have those crazy pheromone-driven obsessive hormones coursing through my veins right now like when we first met and were dating. Although we have a mature love in our marriage, and sure, sometimes you get me all hot and bothered, I am a liar and a cheater right now, and am getting all hormonally-amped up by some skank who does not care if I have a wife/husband and family."

That's what the ILYBNILWY speech means. Period.

Short translation: I am a WAYTURD, and my head is up my butt.