My husband slept with a friend of ours the end of August. It took him a week to tell me about it and in that week he barely ate. The day that he told me I had to work with this other woman so it was rough having everyone know my business. He had told me at first that he wanted to work on things we do have a two year old together but he has continued to see her. Her family made her move out of state in hopes of ending this but my husband racked up a massive credit card bill to go and see her. In th mean time he had lost a decent job because he had been going out and drinking and was unemployed for a month that I had to support him. I know that this can work if he would be willing to leave this other girl but he won't even tell me what problems we had in our marriage that made him make this decision. I feel like he almost feels that I could not and should not be able to forgive him but I can. He has been ruining his relationship with his son by continuously choosing this girl over him. I'm running out of ideas because from what I hear the girl is already starting to get annoyed with him being possessive over her but she has a history of sleeping around and he knows it first hand from the stories she used to tell. He has filed for divorce and is acting like he just wants no responsibility I'm just lost and confused and wondering just how long I should hold on because even his mother who divorced his father for an affair is disgusted with him. Should I just keep having hope even though it seems my husband has totally regressed in his maturity? I have decided that my ultimate choice will be my family and him and my son are my family and I want to fight for that. Should I contact that other girl or would that just cause problems? Any suggestions?

Hi HFL, welcome to Marriage Builders. Does everyone know about the affair, ie: his parents, your parents, the OW's parents, your children?

Does your husband have a drinking problem?

Are you married? How long married? How many children?

We have been together for 5 years married for 2 and we have one child. He never had a drinking problem until he started seeing her but there is alcoholism on both sides of his family. His whole family is disgusted with him and he has pretty much quit talking to his own family. Her family is also disgusted with the situation they wouldn't let him stay in the house when he went to visit and for that I was thankful but we had no credit card debit until he took this trip and he always took pride in such. I just don't understand any of it.

Hope, I would consider going into Plan B. What he is doing is extremely abusive and will cause you enormous emotional and physical pain.

Have you spoken to her family yourself? And would your MIL be willing to call the OW and tell her she will never be welcome in her family? I would be willing to do this if it were my son. We have had many parents kills affairs when they stepped in.

Check out these links and I will be back later:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2482787#Post2482787

Well my husband has moved out and I believe that he is trying to get the OW to move in with him. I have tried to get him to tell me what we had lost in our marriage and he has no answers. I even asked if he wanted to put a ring on her finger and his response was a quick resounding no. He told me he never wants to get married again. I think that he feels that I should not be able to forgive him for this and because of that he couldn't face himself so he ran to her. They both know that their families do not support them in any of this. He has cut himself off from all friends that are in a sense on my side and his family and she has cut herself off from most of her family as well. He had been willing to reconcile at first but I don't think he knew how to take my willingness to love and forgive. He is claiming to no longer believe in God and is barely even speaking to me about wanting to see his son. His failure to be a father is my main concern even 2 weeks before he decided to take his trip he told me a divorce is not what he desired but his mind changed again. I want so badly to tell this girl that she is truly half responsible for tearing apart a family but I am too afraid that it would only make more problems between my husband and I. I mean she even watched our son so we could go out on our anniversary just 2 months before this had all happened. I am trying to hold on and think of my family first but everyone keeps telling me that he just wants out and doesn't want responsibility which I think is th main reason he is with her because she has none.

Hopefateluv-

I'm pretty much a newbie here so what I can't and won't do is offer advice. What I can offer is support and prayers. Don't for one second think that your situation is beyond repair. It may seem like it right now, but it isn't by a long shot. You already have the best that MB has to offer engaged into your problem (Melody), so you're in good hands right now. Pretty sure some of the other MB warriors will be jumping in as well. The support and advice you are getting ready to receive here will be invaluable. You may not appreciate a lot of it initially, but believe me, you will one day soon.

Okay, I lied a little. I said I wouldn't be offering advice. Well, I'm going to now. A lot of what they are going to tell you to do may seem counter intuitive. Don't fight them. A lot of what they stress you have to do, you won't want to. Don't fight them. To quote NIKE..Just Do It !!!

Listen and really think about the dynamics of what they are saying. Everyone that is here is here for a good reason...a very, VERY bad experience in their own lives. The worst a spouse can go through. Keep in mind, everyone here on this board is a "been there done that kind of person". They aren't here because they get paid to. They are here because they truly care about YOU and others in stiches like yours. Keep that in mind.

You ARE in good hands here. Just follow their counsel without deviation. If I had known about ths place when my problems occured, I probably would not be alone now. Remember that as well.

My D-day was 6 days before Christmas 2003. I know how you are feeling right now, and my heart is breaking for you, which is why I'm posting to you.

I wish there was more I could do to alleviate your pain.

Again, listen to what the warriors tell you to do.

THEN DO IT!!!

Wes

Thank you so much my husband has just started giving me verb wrap abuse and what sucks most is my family has been trying to get me to take him for everything but my heart somehow keeps telling me to hold on. I'm trying my hardest but he just doesn't want to be married but has no reason. Maybe I should stop asking for one that was the only "demand" that I was making I have done nothing but try to compromise but his relationship with her is based on lies too he slept with me 2 weeks before he went to see her and has failed to tell her. I have been betrayed by both of them I called her my friend and was even nice to her after I found out because we had to work together she told me she hoped everything worked out well for me when her family sent her to live with her sister. I didn't know she had continued to sleep with my husband. I have even tried to get him to tell me what needs of his I wasn't meeting but he won't he can't face me because I don't think he can face what he did with me or he is to caught up in the moment. I'm sorry for lack of structure in all these I don't have Internet at home so I'm doing this all on my phone but I know I need help I want a family for my son because he is the most important one with the most to lose and he doesn't have a say in all of this. I do feel that my husband is acting like an addict he's def addicted to his affair. He came home for Christmas to be with his son then just slept on the couch with his whole family here what a joke he has made of himself. He's hurting our son more than he realizes and I don't know how to get through to him he's even cut hisself off from any of his friends that will tell him he is wrong.

Hopefateluv, at the moment he IS lost in the addiction! And that's really all it is. That's why this addiction must be obliterated. You cannot cure an addiction without separating the addict from the addiction. It's that simple really.

But how to do it is a little tougher than saying it's "just" an addiction. You have a lot of work ahead of you if you want this to end the way you seem to want it to.

Like I said, hang in there for a while. It's one day after Christmas and a lot of the vets are enjoying their time with their recovered families. I can assure you, they will be here to help guide you through this.

I feel your pain and I'm hurting for you. Hang in there hon.

hopefateluv, did you read my post?

I want my husband and my family back more than anything and I have already told him I am putting up a fight. They are both being shunned by their families and that hasn't been enough to wake them up. I'm running out of ideas and it's so hard to seperate an addict with all the social media we have today. I think I might have messed up by telling her that she is half responsible for this but I had almost given up but you're giving me new hope so thank you I am going to work through this and I know there is a chance not the best one but it can happen right and I have to look at even a small chance as something.

Hope, I would consider going into Plan B. What he is doing is extremely abusive and will cause you enormous emotional and physical pain.

Have you spoken to her family yourself? And would your MIL be willing to call the OW and tell her she will never be welcome in her family? I would be willing to do this if it were my son. We have had many parents kills affairs when they stepped in.

Check out these links and I will be back later:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2482787#Post2482787

I did read your post and I'm trying to gather my strength together to face plan B. I know I can do this and I am not going down without a fight I just have to write out my plan of action. Thank you so much for sending me to that I think it was the third time I read it but I still need to read it again and then start living it.

Hope, do you have the book Surviving an Affair? I would get that as soon as you can.

In the meantime, I would start making plans to cut off ALL contact with him and start writing a Plan B letter. I know you want to save your marriage. Plan B is not designed to save your marriage but the worst thing you can do for the future of your marriage is stay in contact with him. In many ways, allowing him to continue to contact you keeps his affair propped up because he thinks you have no conditions and will continue to sit on the sidelines waiting for him. Plan B allows you to set the conditions and take back control of your life.

I will post the Plan B letter next. Start working on that and then post it so we can give you feedback.

My Dear Sue,
I apologize to you for my part in creating an environment that helped make your affair with Greg possible. I foolishly pursued my career without understanding my responsibility to meet your most important emotional needs. I was not there for you when you needed me most, and we are now both suffering for my mistake.

I am willing to avoid the mistakes I've made in the past and create a new life for both of us that meet your needs. But I cannot do that until you end your relationship with Greg once and for all.

Until then, I will avoid seeing you or talking to you. I will also not be able to help you financially. Our friends Jane and Paul have agreed to help make arrangements for you to visit the children whenever you would like. But I will not be here when you visit. If you want to communicate about the children or any other matter, it will have to be through Jane and Paul.

I ask you to respect my decision to separate from you this way. You must know about the suffering I have endured because of your relationship with Greg, and I simply cannot be with you any longer, knowing that you are with him. I still love you but I cannot see you under these conditions.

As soon as you are willing to permanently separate from Greg and are willing to follow the measures that were suggested to ensure total separation, I will be willing to discuss our future together.

I want us to be able to rebuild our marriage someday. I want us to be able to meet each other's emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We need to build a new lifestyle in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will never again be a reason for us to separate. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you as my best friend.

I loved you when we married and I continue to love you right up to this day. I just cannot be with you or help you as long as you are seeing Greg.

With my love,
Jon

send a copy of the letter to the OW with a note along these lines:

Pg 81
Dear Skankyhola, I love WS with all my heart and am willing to do whatever it takes to make him happy. I will wait for him to give me that chance.

hopefateluv, welcome to marriagebuilders, sorry you are here....

I have a wayward spouse (wife) that i have been dealing with for four months so I understand you pain. it has truly been the most devastating experience of my life. i have two daughters who are 8 and 2.

from reading your post it sounds like you and your husband have more holding you together than pulling you apart (you have a child and you have strong family support). it may not seem like that now but with time it is a good chance he will come around. unfortunately, it does take time. please read the plan A and B post Mel points you to multiple times. its extremely important that you understand them. Ask questions here if you do not understand or have questions about something specific.

stay strong for your son. you are not alone.

Ok so my biggest problem is going to be finding an IM also I am not readily available to e-mail so would Facebook work? Also I don't know my husbands e-mail. I'm going to start working on my love letter today sorry I didn't check the second link til just now. Like I mentioned I am on my phone.

Also should I send the love letter in the mail and how would I go about sending her one she lives in the same house now. Also I have filed for child support and have that hearing coming up in Jan. I'm trying my best to explain to my family where my thoughts are but all they can see is the pain my WS has caused me. Yes I do have the His Needs Her Needs book my pastor gave it to me when everything happened. Also I told my husband I would prefer our son not to be around the OW right now was that a bad idea it upset him and made him lash out about it working both ways if I would date someone. I wasn't planning on taking our son around anyone for a long time in the first place but still...

Also he has files for a divorce and I have spoken to a lawyer and told him I don't want a divorce. I have been talking to his old pastor as well as mine and I've joined a bible study with women. My husband is telling me that he no longer believes in God so I am trying to leave religion out of things I say to him.

I have been in contact with the OW sister and she said she told them both she was on my side. I don't think that having my MIL tell the OW she's not welcome would matter to them they don't care about anyone else at all right now.

Hope, I would find an IM who will agree to be neutral and who will only pass on PERTINENT information via email. Can you have someone drop off the Plan B letters at the OW's house?


Tell your attorney about your Plan B and tell her/him that you need him to represent you at the hearing. You DO have an attorney, right?


The book you need is Surviving an Affair.


Your son should not be around the OW EVER. Have your attorney put that in your custody papers. I would let your husband know TODAY that your son cannot be exposed to his affair. Call your husband today and tell him you are trying to work out a schedule that works for you both but let him know he cannot take your child to the OW's house. SHE IS AN UNFIT ADULT. So he can either pick the child up at your house or see him at some relatives.

Does your H live with the OW?


That is wise. He is in a fallen state right now.


I think it would make a difference. Will she call her?

I have ordered the book you suggested there was no place on my area that had it in stock so I will be reading it as soon as I get it. I am trying to find an IM but no success most don't want to be involved. I'm also seeing a counselor weekly to help me cope some days are better than others and I'm trying my best to focus on the good ones. Thank you for pointing me in the right direction and I am sorry for being confusing at times my thinking is very muddled right now as to be expected.

I don't know if they could take my MIL seriously she had an affair when my husband was the same age as my son. They divorced and she is still married to the man with whom she had the affair with.

I do have a lawyer and he knows my family not sure if that is good or bad. I also can not call my husband because he will not answer I am lucky to get a response via text about even things that have to do with our son. We are both still young and he text me to say he wants nothing at our house and it was all stuff that the two of us have worked hard to get together. Is this just him being self absorbed? I'm going to work on my love letter today and try to devise a plan. It's def hard with a two year old running around but I have to keep in mind that I know I can do this and stick to that frame of mind.

Hope, you are doing great under the circumstances! I am so sorry you are in this mess. Just know that this is not hopeless.

Do you have someone from church who would be your IM? It doesn't have to be anyone you know. Being an IM is a very easy job if you do it right. I can even help the person get through the land mines.

When does he see the 2 year old? What arrangements have been set up to see him?

Ok so as I read over my letter I'm not so sure of it. My husband has no desire to work on our marriage at all and I am not sure if I should be insinuating that I am hoping for such a thing. The OW is defiantly moving in with him at his friends house. I am just not so sure of any of this. My family though being supportive of me so far thinks that I am crazy I'm trying my best to follow my heart and my heart tells me that I have to understand what I didn't do right in my marriage to create the environment in which this could happen but they keep telling me this isn't my fault. I know I didn't make him do this but it takes 2 to make a marriage work and only one wrong judgement to make things wrong.

Right now there are no arrangements for him to see his son he would usually watch him on Wed nights when I worked but he is not willing to do so without the OW. He has not contacted me about seeing his son other than Christmas and said we will work out custody issues when we go to court. I have never once told him he couldn't see his son but he keeps turning his back to both of us and I don't know what to do.

----Remember, each person is responsible for their own actions. You are correct that it takes 2 for a marriage to work. But with addictive behaviors, be it alcohol or affairs, the addict will ALWAYS blame the other person. During this time, which may be the most difficult of your life, it is important that you DO NOT allow the affair (or the spouses drinking, or drug use, etc) to turn you into a POWERLESS VICTIM.
Marriage Builders Forum will help you take steps so you will NOT be a POWERLESS VICTIM that gets ABUSED and walked on by your spouse.
Follow the recommendations from MB and keep your head up; eat healthy, taking sleeping pills if you have trouble sleeping, try to exercise, get a babysitter and go out with a girlfriend. ISOLATE YOURSELF FROM YOUR SPOUSES SELF-DESTRUCTIVE BEHAVIORS

"I have ordered the book you suggested there was no place on my area that had it in stock so I will be reading it as soon as I get it. I am trying to find an IM but no success most don't want to be involved. I'm also seeing a counselor weekly to help me cope some days are better than others and I'm trying my best to focus on the good ones. Thank you for pointing me in the right direction and I am sorry for being confusing at times my thinking is very muddled right now as to be expected."

--Hope, I did not have anyone as an IM but when I reached out to my church elders one of them was very happy to serve as an IM.
I would strongly encourage you to reach out to your church. Give them guidelines (from the MB site) on what an IM should do.

Hope, first off, I want you to STOP "following your heart." That is not what grown ups do. You are not a teenage girl anymore. So put your emotions aside and follow your MIND instead. The reason your husband had an affair is because he has poor boundaries around women. He is 100% to blame. It takes 2 to make a marriage work but only 1 person to run off and have an affair. You did not make him have an affair.

We know your husband has no desire to work on the marriage NOW. We already know that. The letter tells him what YOUR conditions are for him to come back or to even contact you. The letter is giving him your conditions to reconcile the marriage IF he ends his affair. He needs to know this for when his affair falls apart.


If he doesn't care to see his son, then I wouldn't worry about it for now. In your letter, tell him you will be glad to make his son available to him for visitation at his mothers house [does his mother live close by?] but that the OW is to NEVER be around your child.

You don't allow the the filthy wh*re around your child unless there is a court order that is accompanied by an ARMED sheriff. You protect your child.

Tell the lawyer that you want to:

a) countersue on grounds of adultery

b) you want primary custody of the child

c) full possession of your home

d) financial support and child support

e) you want it put in the papers that his adultery partner is TO NEVER BE AROUND YOUR CHILD

You need to tell your lawyer that this is what you expect. Most lawyers are lazy and will take the path of least resistance. If your lawyer won't get this stuff for you, then you need to find a more aggressive lawyer.

Does your MIL live close by? Or any other relatives, close friends that could facilitate visitation?

His dad and step mother could take care of visitation but he wants nothing to do with his family. He has also told me that there are drugs that go in and out of the house that he is staying at so I absolutely don't want my son down there let alone because the OW is staying there.

Well, you arrange the visitations at his dad's home, and if he chooses not to go there, that's within his rights, as it is within yours to keep your son away from a dangerous environment. Make sure you let your lawyer know about the residence that your WH is living and to fight tooth and nail to keep your son from such an unfit place.

Hope,
If there are drugs involved then you should call Child Protective Services and tell them that your childs father is in a drug house. Ask them to investigate.
You need to protect your child and the Children Services can be involved in ensuring that YOU have full legal custody.

I am going to make several points when I speak with my lawyer if there is anything that someone hasn't already posted please let me know I want to have my head as straight as possible

Then you should set up visitation at his dad and step mothers. He can take it or leave it.

AGREE.

Ok so I know there are certain people that I just need to stop listening to. I have a friend who is trying to tell me that what is going on is more than an affair but isn't this in a sense a classic case of one my H left me to be with another women that he believes he is in love with. I know I shouldn't be doubting myself in this but I am. I should still have some hope right? Isn't that what gets us through the darkest hour?

huh? What is the "more?"

Ok as long as someone is on the same page the friend is trying to tell me that they are in love so that makes it more than an affair but isn't that what most affairs are?

That is exactly what affairs are. An affair is defined as an immoral relationship between a married person and someone other than their spouse. And in 99% of affairs, the infidels are in "luuuuuuuuuuuurve." One night stands are very rare.

Your "friend" is dressing up a load of horse hockey with a layer of chocolate and telling you that it's bon-bons...

It's still horse hockey, though.

It's not "love" - it's an addiction...an addiction to something that is not only destroying your WHs life, it's destroying your family, you, and it'll touch and taint all who know and love the both of you.

Listen to Mel. Listen here. They can see through chocolate to the insides of the bonbons.

Trust me. My marriage was saved because of these people.

Your "friend" may have been a wayward herself, or an OW. Normal people don't think this way. I would say that this friend needs to go. She is no friend to you, or marriage.

Ok so this is a start to my letter as I read over it now I am already making changes I followed the example more than I had wanted to.

Dearest J
I would first off like to apologize to you for the role I had in creating an environment that helped to make your affair with B possible. I am sorry that for way too long I put our son before our alone time together and in doing so failed to meet your emotional needs. I would change so many things if given the chance because I see now that we are both suffering from this mistake I has made.
I am more than willing to avoid all such behaviors to help create a new and happy life that we would both thoroughly enjoy. One in which I fully understand and meet your emotional needs. I am unable to do this knowing you are in a relationship with B. So in order for us to reconcile your relationship with B will have to come to a permanent end.
Until that point I will avoid seeing you as well as talking to you. I have made arrangements with your dad for you to visit Dane whenever you can or want to so that I will not be seeing you when you do visit. If you want or need to communicate with me it will be through F. She will filter everything we send to each other and it will only be finances and Dane. I will include her e-mail at the end of this letter so that is how I will communicate with you.
I ask that you please be respectful of my decision to seperate from you in this way. You know how much I have suffered because of your continued relationship with B and simply put I cannot even be around you knowing that you are with her. I do still love you but I can no longer see you under the current conditions.
As soon as you are willing to seperate from B permanently I will be willing to discuss our future together.
I want more than anything to rebuild our marriage someday. I want us to willingly meet each other's needs and avoid doing anything to hurt each other in any way. I know we can build a lifestyle that will leave us both happy and fulfilled and in making such a lifestyle it would leave us no reason to seperate again ever. I have told you several times that you are the last best friend I ever want to have and I want to be that to you as well. I want to be there for you time and again when you need me. I want to be the last best friend you have too.
I was totally in love with you when we got married and I have continued to love you through to this day. I just cannot offer you any sort of help or support and I cannot bear to be around you knowing that you are seeing B.

With all my love,
H

I think it may need a bit of work but I figure it's a good start.

I think that is a good letter, it communicates that you love, are willing to reconcile but will not be victimized by his destructive choices. I would include a sentence, "if you are willing to end your affair with OW and commit to working on our matriage please let IM know"
This is a strong step you are taking; I took it myself.
Remember, tough love is necessary in dealing with addicts. Its okay to take a hard line and still hope for the best; I cried when I wrote mine, but later felt relief.

Your letter is PERFECT. I would run with it!

Are you ready to enter Plan B? Finances? Emotionally? Ready to change your phone numbers? email addresses? block him on FB? You should no longer hear anything about either of them anymore either. Are you prepared? You need to get yourself prepared for this because you can't enter Plan B and then allow contact. He will think you are not serious.

I am still preparing myself for such. Financially I'm not ready and I have to figure out how I can do this because we do have a court date for child support in jan so we will being seeing each other at that time. I won't have to block him on FB he hated social media until he started dating her so we were never friends to start with. He made a lot of changes for her and they are all in poor decision but that is a sign of an addict so I can sort of understand that. I am trying my best to figure out if I am really ready for this and I still have to finalize things with an IM. I do however KNOW that I can do this but I have to truly be ready for it and I know that as well.

Some advice on facebook... make sure your privacy settings are set to the highest level. WH and you may have mutual friends (or he may later try to get them), so could still access your wall or photos. This would still give him a fix of you. And remember, if you are posting on a friend's wall, he may be able to read that. So you might need to start monitoring your comments.

I am learning a lot about FB stalking through a friend's sitch right about now...

You need to BLOCK him on facebook. Then he won't see anything of yours. BLOCK him.

Also have you filed a report with Child Protective Services that thge father of your child is residing in a drug house?
You need to get custody and Child Services will help you if they investigate.
Otherwise, he can come back anytime. I was in Plan B for a few days, filed for emergency custody (wife was living with felon drug abuser) CUSTODY denied---she came back and I could not stop her or keep the kids from her due to a Court Restraining Order; so make SURE you get custody before Plan B!

HDW, I think she will be fine without it. Her H won't even talk to her.

Hope, you will want to also get the locks changed on your home so your H can't barge in. You might think he won't, but once he gets the letter, you will be very surprised at how hard he will try to get you to break Plan B.

I am speaking with a more aggressive lawyer tomorrow and I will be bringing up all these points. I am putting off talking to child services because someone had recently made false alliagations against my husband and I and that case is in the process of being closed. I want to make sure that contacting them again is not going to harm me. They already know that my home is safe. So that is one plus side.

Well my husband really is a moron. The car he has been driving is the car I owned before we got married. It broke down last night and he had it towed to my grandfather's. He forgot to take all of his court papers out of the car though. Funny how things work out since I am speaking with a new lawyer tomorrow what perfect timing.

I'm starting to wonder if I should keep hoping or if I should just cave in. I think that a divorce is just the easy way out. The only real reason my H has given me for wanting a divorce is that he fell out of love and to me that is just not good enough. I know he isn't treating me well now but he treated me like a queen until he started his affair. His other poor excuse is that he got married to young but I know that is just a sorry excuse. We may have had a child before we should have but that was what he had wanted. We have rarely ever fought even through all of this crap so I see no reason to divorce him other than his continuous decision to choose this woman over his son and myself. I know I keep repeating myself through all of this but I am so confused and it is hard not having my family want me to pursue my marriage

Your husband is high on the fumes of lust. The Wayward script (most all wayturds say this!)

1) We married too young (Yep mine said it!)
2) I am not in love with you (nope because your wh0re is masking your love with lust

There are many of us in the process of divorce who are standing for our marriages. It is a hard battle to stand and it is a hard battle to watch the wayward while they are destroying their life.

Your WH is acting like a teenager raging on hormones. Most of the time that is a disaster waiting to happen.

Your best choice is to go into Plan B and get him out of your life. Let reality take a hold of him. It will take a hold and it will be so self destructive he won't remember how he got to that point of destroying his life.

You will know when you are done. I take my stand for my marriage one day at a time. Today I still stand even though my husband is a JERK and bad, bad, very bad wayturd.

God Bless

Hope, the reason he wants a divorce is because he is having an affair. The above are all just rationalizations. Don't get discouraged. You have a greater chance of recovering your marriage than the survival of the affair. You might end up divorced, but there is no reason you shouldn't go through the steps in case it can be saved. You will have lost nothing.

Ok so as I sit here after surviving a long night at work and almost breaking down several times. (we used to work together and sometimes memories of good times are overwhelming). I think that I should truly explain how everything has happened from the beginning.

I have been with my husband for five years and known him for nine. We worked together in some different restaurants for just over three years. When we started dating he had been living with his mother a fifty mile round trip which I willingly made often. When we started dating my husband didn't even have his liscense even though he had just turned 18. He had some problems with his job and got fired. He had made some stupid choices so I helped him how I could. His mother had been renting a house and the owner didn't pay the taxes so it went for sheriff sale. I helped them move. My husband got a job at a fast food restaurant and we still spent quite a bit of time together. Something that seemed like a better opportunity came up so I made arrangements with my father who I had been living with for my H to move in. We had been together for about 6 months at the time. My father agreed and we began working together him as a cook and me as a bartender. That restaurant ended as a flop more or less and after 9 months I got a new job as just a sever somewhere else. My H followed a month later. In this time I helped him to get his license and a car. I was so proud of him for doing these things. Then shortly after he asked me to marry him of course I said yes I had known we would one day get there he had given me a promise ring which I take more as to him asking me than the second time around. The promise ring had been specially made with a peridot stone and a diamond because we started dating in August and diamonds are forever at least that is what he told me. He gave me my engagement ring in April. We got married June the next year. We planned the wedding completely on our own and 2 days before we said I do I found out I was pregnant. After we got married we began looking for a house we closed on one the Monday before Christmas that same year (2009). We then had our son in February I had high blod pressure throughout much of my pregnancy but that had been the only downfall we faced in that. We were happy and loved our son. I returned to work and we had no money issues we had food and the bills were always paid. We didn't even have any credit card debit.

Then the beginning of this year in march my husband decided he didn't want to be a cook any longer and our new GM wasn't as fond of him as our old one so he took a 4 week night course to get in to Marcellus shale drilling (his buddy had told him about it). So he worked days and went to school at night. I didn't see him much during that month. He then found a job not quite what he wanted but I. Got him out of he kitchen. He started reading gas meters in April. He did that for a few months then something where he would be making more money came up. He took that job and hated it. He then got a call about another job with better benefits and a company truck he jumped on that right away. He was there until he pretty much lost his job because of the OW which I'm getting to. He really seemed to like this job other than having to leave the house super early around 3 in the morning because of the drive but all the gas was paid for so that wasn't a problem.

So here it comes one night tho OW texts both my husband and myself because she had been rejected by a guy at the bar and was upset. My husband was just getting up for work and I guess she said she was in the lot outside and needed to talk to someone. He went down. I mean she was our friend and we had opened our house to her. She had even watched our son so we could go out on our anniversary just 2 months before. She was crying so he kissed her and then it went from there. He told me he had been sick the whole drive to work and had to pull off because he thought he was going to vomit. That night I had her come over for dinner with our other friend because that was something that we did. My H barely ate anything def not like him. After our friends left I asked if he was ok but he said nothing. I found out why later that week. I guess the condom slipped and they thought she might get preg so she took the morn after pill. She couldn't go a day without a drink so she ended up feeling sick. My hisband went to check on her that morning before work and they ended up having sex in her car again. Her mother had seen and asked what she was doing with a married man. Four days later I heard all of this. The day I heard I went into work and had to work with her. My H came out and told me himself and yet I had nothing but love for him. He cried when he told me and a few days later he spoke with his minister. He seemed to want to reconcile but I guess it was killing him to be cut off from her. I had her number blocked from his phone. Shortly after he switched to a prepay phone because it was cheaper I should have known that wasn't the case although in this time the OW had been spending time out of state visiting her sister. My husband and I were sleeping in sep rooms at this point he never did go back to our room. I did end up messing around with him often but no sex he wasn't ready for that. I thought it was a way that I could hold onto him. I was wrong.

The OW came back and the distance between us grew again although we still messed around a bit. By the way my H didn't have a job for a month and I had to support him. Turns out I had been giving him gas money to pick her up and she paid for the drinks at the bar. That def made me mad when I found out. There was even one night that her tires were flattened and my H used our AAA to have it towed he got an earful for that but he said he hadn't talked to her and he was just trying to help a friend out because she had helped us when we didn't have money on occasion. I was being so very stupid.

Her family then made her move out of state with her sister in hopes of ending all of this. My husband began to talk to me a little more and things were ok although we were still sleeping in sep rooms. Then one day I was really upset about something and he came home and we had sex. Two weeks later he told me that he was going to go see her and would be taking a week off work. I was heartbroken.

There was a lot of other stuff that went on in that week that I don't care to mention but he had to pay for a hotel because her family wouldn't let him in their house. I was barely able to eat that whole week and everything seemed to go wrong. I went down and filed for child support I had to make a stand for myself and that was the only way. I mean let's face it I couldn't trust him to pay me what he said he would. In retaliation he put a pic up on Facebook of the two of them. I threw up after a friend told me about it. That was just flat out disrespectful.

He came back I let him wash his clothes here and tried to talk to him about our son prob thinking he was abandoning him because he had been overly clingy towards me. He didn't seem to care. Shortly after he filed for divorce and now she has moved in with him at his friend who at first had wanted to disown my H but I had begged him not to and told him my H needed friends at the time. I almost regret doing that.

That leaves me where I am now. There are some details that I've left out some may be important but once again this isnt something I enjoyed typing on my phone but I felt like I had to lay it all out there for myself. I'm hoping this will help me as I am preparing for plan B. In the time that my husband was seeing her he began to drink which he had never shown any interest before but I think it was to make common ground between them. He changed for her in my opinion and it is only a matter of time before he realizes he's someone he doesn't want to be.

Hope, I admit I have not read your entire thread, but your last post grabbed me. There are quite a few pointers in that post that show you have been enabling WH. But this... you turned a friend of your marriage away, encouraging him to SUPPORT YOUR WH IN HIS CHEATING despite the friend being opposed to what he was doing. This friend is now aiding and abetting your WH by housing him and OW. This is not letting the full consequences of WH's actions to rain down on him.

Can you speak with this friend and explain you were mistaken, and you want what is best for your WH and your son? What is best for WH and your son is to have an intact and happy family.

Well done filing for child support. Carrot and Stick. WH needs to know what his life will be like when divorced. This will encourage him to think more about the choices he is making. How else are you protecting your finances? Do NOT continue to finance his affair.

I have found someone to be my IM. I'm not sure how we are going to communicate because both lawyers discourage e-mail so might do as a go between on phones calls. Or via snail mail. Not really sure. Turns out the woman I asked her daughter's husband had an affair they are recovered 16 years now. It's funny how God would put her in my life in such a way I would think to ask her. I work all weekend and will have my plan B finalized with her on Monday. I am going to finalize my letter to my H and get it in the mail though I doubt he will read it when he receives it but it will tell him how I will communicate with him so I hope he will. I truly do believe my marriage can be saved and my lawyer even said that I can force him to go to marriage counseling if I would choose to. I have not yet received my divorce papers though so that is far down the line after plan B goes into effect for some time and things between him and the OW are ended.

He has no intention of spending the rest of his life with her so I don't know what all is going on in his mind. He said he never wants to get married again so why not just stay married to me. I do believe that I am almost ready to launch plan B to the best of my ability and I will have hope. One doesn't know what they had until they lose it and I know I am something to lose.

lawyers discourage email because of the "paper trail".

I think you should insist on it, and instruct your IM to retain copies.

My thoughts exactly. I ONLY communicate with my WH(via IM) through emails. Much more certain that ALL relevant info is being passed along. Ensure that your IM reads up on the IM training school thread. Also, if you want additional help for your IM, I would be willing to help her. Just say the word, and I will send a shout out to the mods to pass on my email addy.

When I go to court should I make a statement to not wear my wedding ring? I was advised not to take a lawyer for my child support case to save myself some money because of what I'll be receiving. It is just an equation here in the state of PA to determine how much I will receive. Still not sure what is going on but my lawyer has been doing this longer than my husband's and usually he represents males so he is going to know the steps they are going to take before they take them in th divorce case. I have explained to him what my decisions are to try to save this marriage and he told me I was very mature for my age and had a good head on my shoulders. So it was nice to hear from someone much older than me.

I truly do feel like my marriage has come to an end but I don't want to throw in the towel and have my H wake up in six months and realize he has been an idiot. I am just afraid of what I might miss out on by waiting for what seems the impossible. I'm hurting bad tonight and I just want it to stop and I know there is nothing that I can do. I know that if I walk away it will hurt just as bad.

Plan B to be launched on Jan 10th I don't want it to start until after my child support hearing because I am afraid that I won't be able to keep myself composed through all of this. Is that a good idea to wait so long?

Do you think you will be able to handle a few days without PB? As long as you can emotionally handle it, it should be okay.

Are you fully prepared for it?

I don't really feel emotionally ready for plan B but one gir I work with who told me about this site told me I sound prepared. So that will have to be enough.

Ok upon reading some other threads I've realized how my situation must be played. I'm wondering though should I try to find a way to let OW know that not even 2 weeks after her parents and family made her leave town that WH slept with me. I'm not sure how I could do this because she will just go to him and he will deny it I'm sure. Any real ideas I want her to see he hasn't been faithful or truthful to her either. I'm sitting in the parking lot getting ready to go onto work and a car that looks just like her's is here. She used to work here so she might be speaking with the managers about something. I'm sick to my stomach about all of this.

Composing myself then going into work.

Ok so something wrong with our one car. The one H was driving. He needed to have a car for work so he went out and bought one. Not sure where he got the money but that is not my problem. He came home to switch the insurance Out of my name and into his alone but they were closed today. I just got a text from him. He slipped on some ice and he thinks his car is totaled. He was with the OW in the car. I called to make sure he was safe with no concern toward her. I obviously have to talk to him over the next few days to get this all resolved maybe get the other car fixed and figure out insurance and child support. Plan B launch date may end up later than planned but who am I to dictate God's plan? Any ideas on how to handle this gracefully other than to look like a total knockout every time I have to see him.

Turns out it was OW that was driving WH car because he had been drinking. Funny how karma can bite you in the butt. He told me he would never let her drive his car when he dropped off our son. I know he is a better driver than her and had he been driving this prob would have been less likely to happen. He was not drunk but had been drinking and prob wouldn't have passed a breathalyzer. I'm hoping this turns into a love buster for them. He hasn't even had the car for a whole week. Way to go OW way to go.

WH demeanor has completely changed and he says that he has been thinking a lot. I said some stuff to him over Christmas. His mother told me that he told his brother and step father that ppl were telling him I couldn't forgive him and I made sure he knew I could.

I told him today I am sorry for what he is going through and I truly do want to help him but that I can't as long as he is with her. I think he is starting to double think what is going on. I looked great yesterday and didn't bring up any relationship stuff except what little had to be said. I bought a few small things for myself yesterday. I've lost quite a bit of weight on the cheating husband diet and I do Zumba once a week. I'm sure WH has noticed it's a good thirty pounds I've lost. I've always been over weight but I can fit into everything that I could when we first started dating 5 years ago. Plus rumor has it OW has been gaining. I hope she gains every pound I lose.

I'm going to stop telling my WH that I love him but I am going to continue showing him that I do in little ways. I can't go to plan B until all of this stuff is taken care of with the car. I'm dropping him from my insurance as soon as all this goes through. It won't effect me because the car was in his name and we had joint insurance. I am not going to mention any relationship stuff and I'm not answering him quickly when he was calling I mean other than with this stuff because it has my name on it and I want it taken care of the right way to protect myself.

So when are you going to be able to go into Plan B and why do you need to wait until everything was taken care of with the car? What plan are you in exactly?

Are you letting WH talk to you about OW? That shouldn't be happening. You shouldn't be allowing your husband to talk to you about his OW. That is a boundary that you should enforce. Also, you can tell him things like, "I will not accept a marriage where you are committing adultery, would you like a cookie?" Stand up for yourself and your marriage.

I'm waiting just a bit longer for plan B launch because I want to know everything that is going on with the car and I still have to finalize things with my IM. I am showing my WH much love and kindness and I think my plan B letter will shock him. I've been praying a lot and asking God for guidance I think that is why all of this is happening the way it is.

I need to completely finalize my plans and I will set my launch date. I want to make sure there will be no reason that I will HAVE to see WH before I launch and we both have to be in court on Monday that is the only reason I'm waiting a bit. I already have very little contact with him but he has no idea what I am planning.

Ok went to court. Spent some time doing some fun stuff with WH. He wants to give me more money than the court said. I almost want to ask why can't you care so much to just come home to your family. I know I need to do plan B but I want to show him that home IS a happy place first.

I guess it just really bothers me because I know OW and she really is POSOW. I think the thing that hurts the most is I KNOW she doesn't really care for him in the way I do. If she did she wouldn't always be at the bar when she is off and he is working. That is what hurts the most knowing what a selfish B she really is and knowing first hand the kind of skankho she is. She really was proud of the fact that everyone called her a whore when we worked together. She has some serious need for attention but she looks for it in all the wrong places.

I guess that is enough ranting about her she disgusts me. Although when she stopped to get some papers she needed from my work (which my GM graciously lost lol). I was ever so kind to her. I know I scared her I was outside when she left and said bye nicely she BOLTED to her car. Yes I have told her she is wrong but I was about her only friend in our workplace but that obviously meant nothing. Killing with kindness is my game and I want her to feel guilt. Ok for real now I'm done.

Ok I'm really confused. So from a mutual friend that I no longer talk to I have heard OW is sick of WH not wanting her to go out drinking all the time. Knowing this should I still go into plan B because I am afraid that it might push him away if things really may end. I feel like he changed for her and he's starting to realize that he misses his home. Although he says he doesn't like being at the house. He told me before it was cause it is where his family is and he ruined that.

I want to get SAA and have it read before I go to plan B if I really have to in the end. I want to make sure I know and understand it all fully. My book should be in any day.

Any suggestions til then?

Get prepared for Plan B. Plan B is the best thing for you to do, and putting it off won't help you, or your marriage.

You are going to want to be your strongest that you possibly can be when your WH decides that he wants to stay in your marriage. Plan B can help with that.

Yes, you absolutely should still go into Plan B.

I am a terrible planner and a great procrastinator. I guess I am just afraid of plan B because I am already pretty much in it. The hardest thing for me is going to be not hearing what is going on because of the people that I work with that sometimes speak to OW. I'm hurting now because someone told me that if WH would ask her to choose between him and partying she would go with partying and that kills me because I know how much I care. I am taking time formyself though I do Zumba once a week and am starting to do it twice a week this week. I have lost a decent amount of weight between that and eating right so why not go for more. I am also tanning because my dr said it should help my skin something I said I would never do in my life but I think it does help my mood so more power. I am doing these things for myself and still hoping that WH will see the light of day but deep down I think that he does not want to face himself and that is what is keeping him away. I do love him and that is what hurts but he is willingly choosing not to be a major part in his son's life and that is killing me also. I guess that is all I have to say.

I have been reading your thread Scotty and I am praying to find the strength you have shown. Thank you.

I have tried I can't do this. I am not some great warrior and I'm not able to keep myself in tact I can't handle divorce I can't even handle seperation or no contact for what it's worth I feel like nothing but a failure in all that I have done in my life. The only thing I feel like I can do right is love my son and love my wayward even as he tears my heart out. I guess I'm afraid that if I don't feel pain I won't feel anything at all and that is horrifying to me.