First post here. I don't know where else to turn, really.

My husband found out about my EA one month ago today. Immediately upon his discovery I agreed to NC with OM, but five days after D-day, I contacted OM again. My husband discovered this too, and we re-established the NC agreement. Since then I have been faithful to my NC agreement and navigating the extreme pain of withdrawal alone for this past month.

I don't really know what to do for support. My husband is beyond angry, will rarely speak to me, stays at hotels sometimes--or on the couch and avoids me. I admit I am so heartbroken and lonely that I am tempted to contact the OM almost daily, but I don't. My husband has wild mood swings and has said he wants to reconcile and even that he forgives me, but he has also taken those things back. He can't seem to make up his mind whether he wants to stay or not and doesn't seem especially interested in working things out.

Is there anything I can do other than wait? I am so alone and have no one to talk to. Everyone, including my family and my ILs are angry at me. Even all our friends are angry and on my husbands side, of course. Withdrawal has been incredibly hard for me. With everyone hating me I've even begun to consider suicide. The OM is the only person in the world who would be nice to me at a time like this, but I know I can't contact him if I have any hope of reconciliation with my husband.

I guess I just need encouragement that I am doing the right thing and that eventually my husband might want to talk or even work things out. In the meantime, I'm glad this forum is here so I can have somewhere to express myself, hopefully without more anger coming my way.

Start by reading all of the thread - To the unfaithful lurkers - a gift.

How do you know this man? Is he married as well?

AM

Welcome to MB .. I am glad you find yourself here. This is the best place to be if you want to recover your marriage. Be prepared for some 2x4s and lots of questions from some of hte BS's here and make sure to BE HONEST with your answers even if you dont like the response from the board members.. but take to heart what they say and the advice they offer you and as you get your fog lifted the posters here will be able to tell by how you respond to them.

In the mean time .. read EVERYTHING you can here. I would also take the FWW off your sig until you have shown the users here you have EARNED your F in WW.

Its a tough road .. and you will have LOTS of ups and downs .. and the possibility that your hubby may not be able to recover at all from this as his emotions are in a roller coaster.

Have you gone NC? Did you make a NC letter and have your hubby approve it? Have you deleted FB, twitter, myspace? have you eliminated ALL AND ANY source of even visual contact or trinkets and presents and gifts and scents that could trigger your thoughts about OM? You will need to be TOTALLY and COMPLETELY transparent and provide JUST COMPENSATION to your hubby while he grieves that you ripped out his heart. Eliminate ALL opposite sex friendships.

Read .... post ... ask questions .. and answer poster questions truthfully and without a whoe is me undertone. Tell us your PLAN on how you are going to protect your hubby from this in the future.

Get your hubby teh book SURVIVING AN AFFAIR.

I am sure there will be many more people along to offer some advice and a few 2x4s but dont let the 2x4s scare you .. they are just trying to see if you really are FWW.

MNG

First post here. I don't know where else to turn, really.

My husband found out about my EA one month ago today. Immediately upon his discovery I agreed to NC with OM, but five days after D-day, I contacted OM again. My husband discovered this too, and we re-established the NC agreement. Since then I have been faithful to my NC agreement and navigating the extreme pain of withdrawal alone for this past month.

I don't really know what to do for support.

Keep coming back here for support.

My husband is beyond angry, will rarely speak to me, stays at hotels sometimes--or on the couch and avoids me. I admit I am so heartbroken and lonely that I am tempted to contact the OM almost daily, but I don't. My husband has wild mood swings and has said he wants to reconcile and even that he forgives me, but he has also taken those things back. He can't seem to make up his mind whether he wants to stay or not and doesn't seem especially interested in working things out.

Picture this
Your H takes out a 2 X 4 and slaps you along side the head. How willing would you be to reconcile and forgive if he is still holding the 2 X 4?

You need to read up and find out what it takes for YOU to put the 2 X 4 down that you whacked your H with having an EA.

Is there anything I can do other than wait?

Start reading everything you can here. Do you have the book SAA? Maybe that would give you some insight as to why your EA happened. Keep posting

I am so alone and have no one to talk to. Everyone, including my family and my ILs are angry at me. Even all our friends are angry and on my husbands side, of course.


Read up on this site about Extrodinary Precautions. Are you practicing any of them. If your not then your H will probably remain that way.
Withdrawal has been incredibly hard for me. With everyone hating me I've even begun to consider suicide.

If you are serious about this statement get help immediately. Go to a hospital ER unit and talk to a counselor in the mental health unit. SERIOUSLY.


The OM is the only person in the world who would be nice to me at a time like this, but I know I can't contact him if I have any hope of reconciliation with my husband.



I guess I just need encouragement that I am doing the right thing and that eventually my husband might want to talk or even work things out. In the meantime, I'm glad this forum is here so I can have somewhere to express myself, hopefully without more anger coming my way.
_________________________
FWW, married 7 years,
D-Day 11/28/2011, EA lasted 3 mo
DS (5), DD's (1 & 2)

I have to leave and pick son up at airport. Sorry wont be back until after 6 pm.

Keep coming back and posting.

nESRE

Hang in there AFD. Don't relent and give into the seemingly irresistible temptation of contacting the other man. Do all the things that MrNiceGuy suggests. I would add, read Surviving an Affair WITH your husband. Read His Needs, Her Needs and Love Busters also when recovery starts.

Take heart and fortify your courage knowing that your feelings for the other man WILL subside, and when they do you will see your EA partner in a different light. You will be glad you dropped the affair. Be strong and endure the affliction.

To understand and hopefully gain insight--if not empathy--into what your husband is going through, check out this video by Dr. Harely if you haven't seen it already:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6806_inf.html

Good luck.

Thank you all for the replies. I have been doing a lot of reading here last night and today. I think it's a great way to pass the time while I "wait" to see if he wants to work this out.

I took the "F" out of WW in my signature. You're right, I haven't earned that yet.

I read the gift to the Unfaithful Lurkers post. Very good (as is everything here). Unfortunately a lot of it doesn't seem to apply to me as my BH isn't on here and has not made any sort of commitment to rebuilding our marriage though he has occasionally showed a hint of interest of maybe "trying."

As for the OM, I know him well now, but have not known him long (only about 4 months). Our emotional affair started when we met in person and had a long great talk one night after an educational meeting we both attended. We live in different states and kept in touch by email and Skype in the following months. My husband discovered the emails, I admitted my wrongs and agreed to NC. I wrote a NC letter to the OM which my husband approved and helped me send. 5 days later, I still tried to contact the OM, he reluctantly responded with an (are you sure you want to do this?). Husband found out--naturally furious. I responded with another NC letter to the OM which my husband also approved and sent with me. I have held true to the NC for 25 miserable days now.

I have taken the safety precautions referenced here. My husband has access to all my email, skype, facebook, phone passwords. I am accountable to him about what I do every minute. I don't know if he has attempted to spy on me or installed a keylogger on my computer, but I would be fine with that.

Unfortunately my husband has managed to dig up some old emails and journal entries during the past week that I had written during the EA. While they didn't give him any new information about the relationship (he already knew the details from when I came clean), each time he reads words that the OM and I exchanged it makes his pain new, understandably, and we go back to square 1. I am trying to get everything out on the table and show him everything I have, but he found things I honestly forgot I had or I would have shown them sooner. I am truly not trying to hide anything at this point. I am an open book and I am just dying for him to give me another chance and not sure that he will.

I watched the infidelity video linked in this thread. More good stuff. I understand that I have inflicted the worst possible pain imaginable upon my spouse. I hate myself for it. It's interesting that in the video Dr. Harley references a period of 3-6 months of extreme moodiness during withdrawal. He seems to indicate that the WS will experience this. I am a little moody in response to the withdrawal, but all in all, I am much less moody than my BH.

I am starting to see that the premise of this site and this method is primarily for couples where at least the BS wants to save the marriage. Dr. Harley also mentions in his video that some BS's come to him and say that they don't have any desire to save their marriage and he endorses that 100%. He doesn't think BS's should necessarily give the WS a second chance, but if the BS has a desire to do this, then he has a method that is useful.

I can see there is not much place here for a WS like myself who desires reconciliation and is trying to take all the rights steps without interest or cooperation of the BS.

WHOA!!! don't run, there are more FWW who's BH didn't want to reconcile here on the forums. Many of them are very valued contributors. And I'm sure they'll be along to help you out.

It is the holidays, so it may take some time for them to come out, but i'm sure they'll be along.

I agree...Allfalldown you are waaaay to early in the process to know for sure what your BH will do. He is in emotional ER right now....give it some time.

Yes, please stay put. Your H sounds like he's vacillating between giving the M a chance and giving up. You have three small children together, and it would be best for the children to have an intact home.

If your H would agree to check out this website, he could receive help from others. MB does not endorse the BS offering forgiveness; instead the FWS must EARN forgiveness through Just Compensation. This means the marriage must be better than it was before the adultery. Going back to the same isn't going to work.

You must learn each other's emotional needs and agree to meet them. Learn all the love busters and avoid them.

The conditions leading up the adultery must be addressed and eliminated.

This is the best place to be if you want to try to recover your M. The posters here are kind, compassionate, and very forthright. No coddling on this forum. Don't let that frighten you away. MB really is your best chance.

See if your H will join you here. There are many BS and FWS of both genders here; many in recovered/recovering marriages AND those who have divorced or are divorcing but are in a personal recovery.

Stick around and learn.

Can you please explain this a little more? Did you meet OM at this meeting or did you meet him somewhere else first?

Oh, I'm not leaving. I literally have no where else to go and not one other person to talk to other than my counselor who sees me once/week.

I am committed to providing the "Just Compensation" that Dr. Harley speaks of and I feel like I am on the right track toward that. I know it can't be done in one month or even 6 months though. So I have a long road ahead of me.

I've emailed my husband links to this site and encouraged him to take the EN questionnaire. He hasn't responded. He isn't taking my calls, but he did inform me via text message that he won't be speaking to me or coming home for a few more days still.

I am just lonely. Don't really want or need any coddling, I guess I just want contact with another human being even if it's just on a forum.

Yes, I met the OM for the first time at the meeting. We did not have any physical contact, but a deep and intimate conversation that night and we've shared many deep and intimate emails since. He is also married. I am not sure if his spouse knows about the EA. I asked him to never contact me again and he has honored that. I truly have no idea what is going on with him now. I already know that my feelings for him have changed since D-day and I don't really think it's him that I miss. I just miss having anyone be nice to me. I just miss having a adult conversation that isn't about the horror of my actions. Right now it seems like the OM is the only one who doesn't think I'm horrible--but for all I know--he thinks it too, by now. It's not really so much that I am longing for the OM as I am just longing for a shred of hope that my life will go on.

The fact that he had to dig up this stuff on his own AFTER you violated nc would be enough to send most BS' into a frenzy. You withheld emails from him? Is there anything you have withheld? See, you violated nc after he agreed to reconcile and then he found emails. He obviously did not know those details and he had a right to see those saved emails. Have you saved anything else from the OM? Is there anything else you are withholding?

Does he feel he has the full truth now?

And is the OM married?

That comment right there would have sent me into a RAGE, because it minimizes the act of hiding those emails. Brushing this off as "oh well, you already knew those details!" would send me into a RAGE because it is so insulting. He had a RIGHT to read those emails regardless of what details he had been told.

You need to delete any and ALL emails from and to OM. They are triggers. Get rid.

Right, I see what you all are saying. I wasn't hiding the emails. I honestly didn't know I had them. This is how it went down from D-day on regarding emails:

He found one on my phone--asked about it. I reluctantly let him read it. He sifted through my inbox and read a few more---exploded in anger got into his truck and drove off for several hours.

I panicked, deleted every email I still had existing between OM and I. I wanted to end it with OM, but I admit I also didn't want BH to see every thing we ever wrote to each other in my panic, I wasn't thinking long term at all.

He came home the next day--we did a NC letter to OM. BH left again for several days. While he was gone I violated the NC deal and tried to contact OM. DH returned--found out (I didn't hide it well at all). Over the next day or so--I recommitted to NC and we wrote another NC to OM to which I have been faithful.

The emails he found were on my iTouch which I never use. I deleted all the emails between OM & I from my email accounts and also made sure any saved to the computer and my phone were gone. I never actually even knew any had been saved to my iTouch. I really didn't know there were there, but apparently I had checked my email at least once on my iTouch sometime during the EA, because there they were. And he found them. I am completely honest when I say I was not trying to keep them or hide them from him. Also, I understand why he is in a frenzy.

I believe everything is deleted now. I truly was not trying to hold onto triggers. I have never read those emails since Dday--I didn't even know they were there. Now since I have tons of alone time on my hands I am trying to sift through every nook and cranny of every electronic device I've ever come near to make sure there aren't more hiding somewhere that I forgot about. Here's a question for you all:

If I find more should I just instantly delete them or should I offer to let him read them first?

I would NOT delete them or he will think you are hiding something. It is a good idea to tell him you are scouring everything and will let him see anything.

Does he believe the story you gave him or does he think there is more?

Okay, my friend, take a deeeeep breath. You've been posting on this site three(?) hours and you've gone from "Thank goodness I found it", to "I'm leaving", to "I'm back and anxious to get this done."

You and your BH are facing a marathon, not a sprint. Anticipate two years for all the wounds to heal - his, primarily, but you'll receive some (from him, and self-inflicted) as well - before it's all over.

I think it's a great way to pass the time while I "wait" to see if he wants to work this out.

Start with YOU, not HIM, right now. "Dragging" him to this site (if I inferred the meaning of your comment correctly) will be of small value. More importantly the AFD who emotionally betrayed her husband and marital vows is NOT a person worthy of a strong marriage. She might have been at one time, and with some work, may yet be again, but there is work to be done on that AFD.

Read the Basic Concepts. Read the Emotional Needs papers. Think about 1) what changes you are going to make to yourself, 2) how prove to your BH that you've made them, and 3) how to convince him that they will benefit your marriage.

I don't think your mindset is correctly oriented, yet. Why?

I have held true to the NC for 25 miserable days now.

The way this should have been worded is something along the lines of "I have been blessed by my BH with 25 days of his not contacting a lawyer and telling me directly that he is understandably considering our marriage dead, and wanting out!"

Will he come here and talk to us?

Melody: I think he does believe me that he has all of the story. He didn't think I was harboring or hiding those emails--he knows if I knew they were there, I would have deleted them in my panic. I honestly didn't know they were there. I texted him and told him I looking for more and I will show him anything I find.

Neverguessed: Thank you for your perspective. You're right, I don't deserve him back, trust me, I don't even think I deserve to be alive let alone be loved by anyone--least of all him. I am very thankful that he hasn't contacted a lawyer and put me out on the street. I regret wording it that way. I guess I was just trying to express that the past month has been very painful for me, but I know that it is NOTHING compared to the pain I've caused him. Nothing at all. And if he has to suffer like this, the least I can do is endure a little suffering myself.

I actually think I've read almost everything on this site now. I've ordered about half the books too. I don't feel like I am dragging my husband here, I have mentioned it to him and I really hope he is interested because I think this is a good place. I just don't know that it's a good place for him if he has no desire to reconcile. What do you think?

I'll ask if he'll come here, but it seems he isn't speaking to me and doesn't plan to for at least a few days. So I will as soon as he speaks to me again.

alldfalldown, it would be helpful for us to get his perspective. What do you think is his biggest obstacle to reconciliation?

Allfalldown, a mere month past D-Day, it's far too early to be judging your husband's motives & interests. He is still riding the emotional roller-coaster that all betrayed spouses feel, irrespective of whether the infidelity is emotional, physical or both. With new information, and with (already) a broken "no-contact" washing over his decks, he's hunkered down fearing what might come next. It's altogether plausible that he's still too much in a "How do I get through the next hour/day?" mode to be able to think what he wants for the long term.

You must be patient, allfalldown. That's the least you can do for him right now.

If you've read the "Lurkers" thread, then you've met me. Three years ago, I was the unfaithful spouse. It was a full-blown affair. In many ways, it was as bad as it gets.

Your constant course of action in these early days has to be to cut your husband lots of slack. When you get the book "Surviving An Affair" (or on this site, if you don't want to wait), read about the Rules of Protection, Care, Honesty and Time. And strive to implement them each & every day.

In time, for your marriage to recover & become better than it was before your affair, your husband will probably need to get on-board. Obviously, there were needs of yours that weren't being met. Perhaps he wasn't doing his best, and/or perhaps you weren't doing a proper job of communicating your needs to him. BUT either way, not having needs met doesn't justify what you allowed to occur. I learned the hard way that close opposite-sex friendships with people other than my spouse are absoutely impermissable. They work in movies & on TV shows, but in real life, they lead you to a point where you end up paying cash for a hotel room somewhere so that it won't show up on a credit card statement. That's assuredly where you were headed, and that's not how you want to live, is it?

And this OM is not someone whom you'd want to live with, if you saw him as he is. Yes, he "understands" you in a way -- but not in the way that you think! How do I know this? Because my affair partner was also married -- so I was someone's OM myself. Go read my post to PleaseSetMeFree: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...in=164736&Number=2574819#Post2574819

Have no doubt about this: No man who'd willingly intrude on another man's marriage, and cultivate a relationship that by its very existence injures that poor man (your husband), is worth even a puddle of cold spit when in the midst of such conduct. No relationship that has to be concealed is worth having. That your OM is willing to be an instrument of injury to your husband -- a man whom he's never even met & who has never done him a shred of harm! -- says all that needs to be said about the worthiness of your OM's character right now. Just as I was when I was an OM, your OM is morally corrupt. He will take what you give him, and he will invest the effort necessary to keep his doors open for receiving it. You are, for him, an option, not a commitment. You want to know what your OM thinks of you? Don't ask him, because people in active affairs will lie to you, point-blank. Ask me. I'll keep it real for you, even if you don't like the answer.

You've discovered that withdrawal is real & that it can be a b*tch. But you need to make it stick. If you haven't changed all of your e-mail & cellphone addresses & given your husband passwords to any accounts of yours, then you haven't done enough. You cancel your Skype account so that he can't contact you, and you just don't do Skype, period, anymore, unless it's from your husband's account with your husband there next to you.

Stick around. Read. Learn. If you've got questions, ask me.

Hang in there. I am the WS and I often feel like they are beating me up but in reality I think they are trying to to the best of THERE abilities. Everyone has a different outlook. You may not agree but do listen and do take there advice.

Thanks?

Actually, what the posters do here is use what WORKS.

I have no desire to reconcile and I'm on here all the time.

The posters will be interested in healing HIM and helping him with what HE wants to do. They can help him with the emotional rollercoaster every BS gets to ride. One day up- next day down, its murder.

People who havent been through it dont get it, so it will be good for him to have other BSs to talk to.

You have to give him reasons to want the marriage - he may or may not want to buy what you are selling.

But either way he is in an awesome amount of pain right now. I'm six months past D-day and doing ok, but the memory of that initial, searing pain can still stop me cold.

And I never had an NC promise violated. That must suck, to put it mildly.

Keep on, keeping on though. I see some promise here.

Oh and listen to gloveoil!

Me too.

T/J

Cheers Pep. I am as happy as I have ever been though!

T/J over.