Former MB success story.
Now I'm just ... defeated.
I had an emotional affair.
Started out as friendly chat messages that turned flirty, that turned into something near cyber/sexting I guess. Felt guilty and told my husband. Ended it.
Pretty much went downhill from there. Couldn't stop thinking about the way I felt when someone else wanted me.
I am still friends with the other person. Husband knows I am friends with him but doesn't know he is the one I had the (one-sided) EA with.
Hating life.
Not expecting sympathy here. Just saying ... I wasn't looking for it. I knew hubby and I had problems and I was trying to work on them but that was also a one-sided battle. This came at me out of nowhere. :l
Former MB success story.
Now I'm just ... defeated.
I had an emotional affair.
Started out as friendly chat messages that turned flirty, that turned into something near cyber/sexting I guess. Felt guilty and told my husband. Ended it.
Pretty much went downhill from there. Couldn't stop thinking about the way I felt when someone else wanted me.
I am still friends with the other person. Husband knows I am friends with him but doesn't know he is the one I had the (one-sided) EA with.
Hating life.
Not expecting sympathy here. Just saying ... I wasn't looking for it. I knew hubby and I had problems and I was trying to work on them but that was also a one-sided battle. This came at me out of nowhere. :l
Hi FMAL, welcome back to MB,
What was your former posting name? was there a previous thread? Were you engaged in an affair previously?
If you are a former MB success, you know that you must end contact for life. Write a no contact letter ASAP. It sounds as if you've never put EP's properly in place. Have you done that yet? You need to come completely clean with your H. You will never recover if there is still contact.
CV
I came here at the end of my first marriage, years ago. No affairs, but it was too late; beyond saving. I used MB concepts to get thru my divorce sane, was single for a good while, and have been happily married to a great man for 5 years. He meets all of my needs, except for SF, and we have talked many, many, many times about that, to no avail.
I have done so much to try and get my husband's attention, in vain. I don't want anyone else. I WANT HIM to want me. But in the absence of that, I just can't shake off the "crush" on the OP. Guess it was more of a fling than an affair, not to downplay it but it was very brief and not very serious. It has been many months, and the memories just won't fade. I feel guilty because I know how much it hurt my husband to hear that I had sexual fantasies about another man.
I honestly cannot end all contact with the OP for reasons I can't really go into, but I assure you there is nothing coming from his side; it's just the memory of having someone WANT me that I am having a hard time filing away. He no longer sends messages of any kind of sexual nature. We see each other on a regular basis because of the group of people we are both associated with. It's not awkward, thankfully. This person is a friend, and in a group of close friends I simply cannot just walk away from.
Isn't it always complicated? :l
I honestly cannot end all contact with the OP for reasons I can't really go into,
You are gravely mistaken.
but I assure you there is nothing coming from his side;
If you believe this, then you do not understand the Love Bank.
What was your former posting name?
How can we help you?
I don't know HOW you can help, honestly. I can't figure out how to stop having lustful thoughts, memories of tempting things said.
This person is not just my friend and a friend of friends, but a friend of family and isn't just going away. It's up to ME to make the memories go away and I don't know how.
These texts were from almost a year ago now. I know I'm in the wrong for responding, back then, but when I felt very unwanted, was vulnerable, and someone came at me unexpectedly with very attractive offers of attention, I became addicted to the feeling. It was an intoxicating fantasy. But I felt so guilty about the thoughts, I had to end it and tell my husband. Had to. :l
Since then, I have been alone with this person, and nothing happened. I don't worry about anything happening in the future. I am comfortable being alone with him; there is no talk of those old messages. That said, I don't make it a habit to be alone with him... there are usually lots of other mutual friends around.
For him I think it was just a "for kicks" thing. We have talked many times about different women he likes. He is charming and outgoing and has lots of female company; I was just a brief blip on his radar. It had more of an effect on ME than I ever imagined it would.
I'm not worried about future involvement, only about refocusing on my husband, who I love very much and who has just become more detached since I came clean with my admission that I'd had these sexual conversations. Thought I was doing the right thing there, being honest, but it sure hasn't helped our sex life. For years I have come at the problem from all angles. His drive is simply ... faint.
I haven't been here in years; I don't remember the old username and password.
Since then, I have been alone with this person, and nothing happened. I don't worry about anything happening in the future. I am comfortable being alone with him; there is no talk of those old messages. That said, I don't make it a habit to be alone with him... there are usually lots of other mutual friends around.
Very slippery slope you are treading here.
It IS possible to end all contact, you just have to do it. If some family member asks why, be honest. Your lustful thoughts are never going to end as long as you see this man. If you want your marriage to work, you will do what needs to be done.
Has you BH been to a doctor to discuss this issue. Could be low testosterone levels.
As far as him pulling further away, we choose the consequences when we choose the behavior.
mfal,
There are many ways MB can help you ---- if you listen and apply the principles.
1. Be honest with your husband. Right now, he is unaware of who your EA was with. Your continuing interactions with OM in front of your H is an insult to your H.
2. End ALL contact with OM. Never see or speak with him again. This is step one to implementation of MB. Your reluctance to ending contact shows you lack of commitment to your marriage and disregard for your husband's feelings. Your assertion that this is impossible is merely an excure. Of course, it is possible if you decide to never see or speak with OM again.
3. Expose your feelings to friends and family. It tells them WHY you cannot have contact with this OP.
4. Restore your marriage by building a romantic relationship with your husband. Use the MB program to meet each other's critical emotional needs and to avoid lovebusters.
AM
Welcome back, mfal, I'm sorry to hear things aren't going well for you. But there are things you can do that will help.
You know the MB concepts, so you can argue your point forever and nothing will change: you have to be honest with your H, and you have to have NC with OM for life.
You confessed the conversations to your H, but you didn't disclose OM's identity. You need to tell your H who OM is.
I'm not worried about future involvement
This is at odds with something you said in your first post:
This came at me out of nowhere.
And that's how fast it can happen. So you absolutely SHOULD be worried about future involvement and should take the necessary precautions to ensure that there is no way it can happen again. That will only be ensured by NO CONTACT for life with OM.
Telling your H will serve a few purposes: he will understand why the two of you are no longer in contact with OM, and will be able to help you stay on the straight and narrow so you don't slip again.
I honestly cannot end all contact with the OP for reasons I can't really go into
We hear this a lot, and have never seen a situation where that is really the case. The only one I can imagine would be a poster who was conjoined physically with the OP and couldn't be surgically removed. And we haven't had any conjoined posters here that I'm aware of.
Very slippery slope you are treading here.
I'm aware of this.
Has you BH been to a doctor to discuss this issue. Could be low testosterone levels.
I've asked him to, dozens of times.
As far as him pulling further away, we choose the consequences when we choose the behavior.
Thanks for emphasizing that my husbands lack of interest in me is my fault. I haven't felt that way for years or anything. :l
Sorry for the sarcasm, but its a touchy subject. I am attractive, fit and sexy. I never "let myself go" or nag. I am a damn good wife. I meet HIS needs. To heck with mine, eh?
I made a mistake. Plenty of men have expressed interest. Only once have I been so foolish as to let the conversation continue to the point where my errant thoughts became ... detailed.
It's not when I'm with or around the OP that I have these thoughts ... it is when I'm alone and sorely neglected. It's in the shower. It's in the bed alone while my DH is awake playing a computer game, but comes to bed "too tired" ... it's when I wake up next to my husband in the night wishing I'd had sex in the past month so I could freakin' sleep. :l
1. Be honest with your husband. Right now, he is unaware of who your EA was with. Your continuing interactions with OM in front of your H is an insult to your H.
There are times when I have considered this, but it would hurt other people. I don't see it being worth the collateral damage.
2. End ALL contact with OM. Never see or speak with him again. This is step one to implementation of MB. Your reluctance to ending contact shows you lack of commitment to your marriage and disregard for your husband's feelings. Your assertion that this is impossible is merely an excuse. Of course, it is possible if you decide to never see or speak with OM again.
3. Expose your feelings to friends and family. It tells them WHY you cannot have contact with this OP.
I'm sure you do hear it a lot, but the fact is we ARE going to be at the same places at the same time and no I cannot change that. Not without picking up and moving my entire extended family across the country. Seems a pretty lofty endeavor to deal with a few naughty thoughts.
4. Restore your marriage by building a romantic relationship with your husband. Use the MB program to meet each other's critical emotional needs and to avoid lovebusters.
This is what I'm trying. I need him on board. So far, not so good.
Since then, I have been alone with this person, and nothing happened. I don't worry about anything happening in the future.
You don't understand. Something did happen. Your brain experiences a contrast effect when you are with this other person or even think about him. This is why things are not getting better for you.
Even if there is never a "resumption of the affair," your subconscious is still having one, whether you are aware of it or not.
This is why no contact is essential.
Welcome back, mfal, I'm sorry to hear things aren't going well for you.
Thank you.
You confessed the conversations to your H, but you didn't disclose OM's identity. You need to tell your H who OM is.
Because of the nature of our other friends and familys acquaintance with this person, I didn't think that would be a good idea. So I have already once denied to DH that it was him. I have been working at rebuilding trust with DH for so long, that the idea of admitting to that lie is ... intimidating.
And that's how fast it can happen. So you absolutely SHOULD be worried about future involvement and should take the necessary precautions to ensure that there is no way it can happen again. That will only be ensured by NO CONTACT for life with OM.
I do understand what you're saying.
Might I also say, that I've had lustful private thoughts about Johnny Depp, but haven't thrown out our DVD collection? I mean ... it's just ... it would be very, very difficult to erase all traces of this OP from our lives. Very.
We hear this a lot, and have never seen a situation where that is really the case. The only one I can imagine would be a poster who was conjoined physically with the OP and couldn't be surgically removed. And we haven't had any conjoined posters here that I'm aware of.
Thanks for the smile. They've been hard to come by lately. (:
You don't understand. Something did happen. Your brain experiences a contrast effect when you are with this other person or even think about him. This is why things are not getting better for you.
Even if there is never a "resumption of the affair," your subconscious is still having one, whether you are aware of it or not.
This is why no contact is essential.
Has there never been a case where the WW absolutely cannot reasonably commit to a "no contact" agreement and things get better?
I don't want a physical relationship with him.
I don't want an emotional relationship with him.
I just want to stop thinking about sex with anyone other than my husband. In fact, I'd really like to stop thinking about sex WITH my husband all the time, since it isn't happening. I'm 40 and I pretty much want sex all the time and with everybody. Okay, it's not quite that bad, but my sex drive is in HIGH and his is idling. Is there any way to focus on that little problem? :l
I can't figure out how to stop having lustful thoughts, memories of tempting things said.
Here is the cause of the lustful thoughts and the memories:
Since then, I have been alone with this person, and nothing happened. I don't worry about anything happening in the future. I am comfortable being alone with him; there is no talk of those old messages.
You are causing this problem.
It is not true that "nothing happened." What happened is that love bank units were deposited. They are the very same love bank units many of us are using to turn our marriages around. They make gradual, imperceptible changes at first, until they have an effect. They inevitably build up, whether you are married to the person depositing them or not.
It's up to ME to make the memories go away and I don't know how.
You can't do it if you keep causing them. You'll have to stop causing them.
This person is not just my friend and a friend of friends, but a friend of family and isn't just going away.
This is not a reason to continue contact and keep the lust and memories going and ruin your marriage. Many people here have been in exactly that situation. Some people have had their spouses cheat with their own sibling. The solution in all cases is no contact with a former affair partner FOR LIFE.
There is no other way.
Not without picking up and moving my entire extended family across the country.
Dr. Harley says most people who have had an affair have to move if they want to recover.
Seems a pretty lofty endeavor to deal with a few naughty thoughts.
"A few naughty thoughts" is a way to try to say that your affair isn't so bad.
You won't be able to solve the problem as long as you try to talk about it as if it is not really so bad.
Has there never been a case where the WW absolutely cannot reasonably commit to a "no contact" agreement and things get better?
That is correct, there never has.
Dr. Harley has been a clinical psychologist for forty years with a specialty in infidelity. He says that recovery is an extremely narrow path. You can't modify the plan, or it won't work.
I just want to stop thinking about sex with anyone other than my husband. In fact, I'd really like to stop thinking about sex WITH my husband all the time, since it isn't happening. I'm 40 and I pretty much want sex all the time and with everybody. Okay, it's not quite that bad, but my sex drive is in HIGH and his is idling. Is there any way to focus on that little problem? :l
Yes, the tools to get the sex you need in marriage are here on this site, and we can help you and your husband get through them.
Trying to change your emotional needs is not really possible, and not productive.
I mean ... it's just ... it would be very, very difficult to erase all traces of this OP from our lives. Very.
The fact that it is difficult means that you are hoping to find a way to make it possible without doing it, because you don't want to expend the effort to do something that is difficult.
You are worried your husband will not agree with this course of action. You have decided UNILATERALLY what plan of recovery you want to follow, without his input.
That kind of unilateral decision is not marriage.
"A few naughty thoughts" is a way to try to say that your affair isn't so bad.
You won't be able to solve the problem as long as you try to talk about it as if it is not really so bad.
Maybe emotional affair was the wrong way to put it. I had thoughts about a physical affair. I didn't ever want to leave my husband. I never dreamed of a new life with this person. I just thought about sex with someone else. And continue to think about it. Whether it is someone I know or not. Someone famous. Someone I saw in a commercial. The only difference is, this person once sent me sexual text messages. Not quite the same as my brother in law sending crude sexual jokes, but not a whole lot different either.
Can't go back and change what happened. Just want to move on. But I am not willing to leave behind my entire life here just because of some dirty fantasies. If it wasn't him, it would be someone else, as long as my needs are not being met. I'm not going to move every time I lust after someone I shouldn't.
Going back to step one and sharing the Basic Needs stuff with hubby... see if I can't get him to understand that neglecting my needs is not a great path to continue along. Thought what happened last spring would be a wake-up call.
MFal,
Started out as friendly chat messages that turned flirty, that turned into something near cyber/sexting I guess. Felt guilty and told my husband. Ended it.
If I am reading this correctly OM was not a passive participant who was unaware of your attraction to him. It is cruel to have this person in your husbands life acting like a friend when the OM knows he has you under his spell. Your attraction to this OM is eating away at the quality of your marriage like an acid.
God Bless
Gamma
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Has there never been a case where the WW absolutely cannot reasonably commit to a "no contact" agreement and things get better?
\
Of course not. It hasn't worked for you, has it? Contact has to be ended and everyone should know about your affair. Is this bum married too?
The first and only way to recover your marriage is to end all contact for life with the OM. There is no other way, because recovery is impossible unless you take this first step.
MFal,
I didn't get a chance to read every post because I'm at work. You are in a very dangerous place.
You need to somehow make it clear to your husband that he HAS to meet your needs or your marriage will end. There is something going on with him that he doesn't want to meet your SF needs. Is it possible that HE is having an affair?
The more you fantasize, the closer you will get to acting on it. I know.........I did it. You have to do something to get through to your husband.
CT
Maybe emotional affair was the wrong way to put it.
No, what you are describing is a textbook emotional affair. There is no maybe about it.
You are hoping that, maybe, there is some way out of doing the difficult things that will be necessary. And you are deciding this on your own, without giving your husband enough information to evaluate the decision you are making. You are putting yourself firmly in the driver's seat of the marriage instead of working towards something mutual.
You are telling yourself that you were praiseworthy by telling your husband, but you haven't really told your husband. You haven't told your husband he has a secret enemy who sent you sexual texts. And you haven't told him that you have a high sex drive that is motivating you to think sexually about many men. You're denying your husband this intimacy, as well as the information he needs to know that you have a vulnerability, and who has attempted to exploit it in the past.
Can't go back and change what happened. Just want to move on.
There's only a narrow path to make that succeed.
Going back to step one and sharing the Basic Needs stuff with hubby...
No, this is not step one in your case.
see if I can't get him to understand that neglecting my needs is not a great path to continue along. Thought what happened last spring would be a wake-up call.
Your neglected needs are not what caused your emotional affair. Your husband did not cause it; it was a choice that you made. Many people in the same situation have dealt with the situation in other ways, like talking about the problem with their spouse, or getting marriage counseling, or even getting a divorce.
Did you have an affair in your last marriage too? Is that why your marriage broke up?
What was your screen name?
You need to somehow make it clear to your husband that he HAS to meet your needs or your marriage will end.
If she dares say that to the man she just knifed in the back from an affair, he needs to kick her out and go into Plan B. She is no position to threaten him.
[
Going back to step one and sharing the Basic Needs stuff with hubby... see if I can't get him to understand that neglecting my needs is not a great path to continue along. Thought what happened last spring would be a wake-up call.
This is all a waste of time if you are still in contact with your OM. Recovery is impossible if there is still any contact with your OM. You have to do the FIRST STEP before you can do the second step.
This is not your first rodeo, is it? What was your former posting name?
No, the OP is not married. He knows he is attractive. He is aware I told my husband about the messages and they ceased, he is respecting my marriage.
I am the one with the problem. I am having sexual fantasies about other men. Him and others. Because I am not getting my needs met no matter how hard I try to get DH to understand how important it is to me.
I have male friends. Always have. Several close ones, who nothing has EVER happened with, and nothing will, who are flirty and joke around and make me feel attractive, without making me feel like they are a threat. Are they all emotional affairs, because they are meeting needs that my husband refuses to?
I am not discounting the advice here, I'm just ... quite overwhelmed.
I will put in my 2 cents. To solve this issue your H needs to see his MD and most likely needs to get into IC. I do not actually read an EA into this, your H is not coming no where near to meeting your needs which could very well lead to a PA. You need to sit down and discuss everything with him and get him on board, if not think about D for you are too young to think about this for the next 30 to 40 years.
You need to somehow make it clear to your husband that he HAS to meet your needs or your marriage will end. There is something going on with him that he doesn't want to meet your SF needs. Is it possible that HE is having an affair?
Absolutely nothing leads me to believe he is having an affair other than the complete lack of interest in sex WITH ME, which I have to contribute to the concept that he has a complete lack of interest in sex entirely. I'm no goddess, but when we do have sex, it's pretty fantastic and mutually satisfying. It's just ... terribly rare. And with the rarity comes a sad side effect ... he doesn't last anywhere near as long as he used to. Frustrating to finally get a chance to have my needs met, and be done in minutes. :l
No, the OP is not married. He knows he is attractive. He is aware I told my husband about the messages and they ceased, he is respecting my marriage.
I am the one with the problem. I am having sexual fantasies about other men. Him and others. Because I am not getting my needs met no matter how hard I try to get DH to understand how important it is to me.
The problem *IS* you. It is because you are still in contact with the OM. The affair happened because you have poor boundaries around men, not because you are not getting your needs met.
I have male friends. Always have. Several close ones, who nothing has EVER happened with, and nothing will, who are flirty and joke around and make me feel attractive, without making me feel like they are a threat. Are they all emotional affairs, because they are meeting needs that my husband refuses to?
Did you learn absolutely nothing from your current affair? Your affair started as a "friendship" and you are saying that opposite sex friendships are safe? Are you kidding? You have direct evidence this is not true. This is just more evidence of sloppy boundaries. You already KNOW this is how affairs start.
The issue in your marriage cannot be resolved until you FIRST end your affair and take steps to affair proof your marriage. Recovery does not begin until ALL CONTACT ENDS and steps are taken to protect your husband.
THEN recovery begins. Lets not put the cart before the horse here.
You are telling yourself that you were praiseworthy by telling your husband, but you haven't really told your husband. You haven't told your husband he has a secret enemy who sent you sexual texts. And you haven't told him that you have a high sex drive that is motivating you to think sexually about many men.
To be fair, I DID tell my husband I was receiving and sending sexual texts and chat messages. I HAVE shared in detail my high sex drive. We do talk about women he thinks are "hot" and men and women I think are "hot" as well. I would do anything to make DH want me sexually. Have tried many, many things.
Your neglected needs are not what caused your emotional affair. Your husband did not cause it; it was a choice that you made. Many people in the same situation have dealt with the situation in other ways, like talking about the problem with their spouse, or getting marriage counseling, or even getting a divorce.
I'm not blaming him. I was at fault for responding in the matter which I did. It led to fantasies I wish I could ignore. I HAVE talked to him at length about the problem. I have suggested counseling. I have asked him to talk to a doctor. I have never considered divorce. I love my husband very much and he loves me very much. But a lack of response on his end toward my many suggestions that he do something to meet my needs has led to a big withdrawal from my love bank.
The problem at the root of this IS the fact he does not give me sexual attention. It is not that I've not allowed him to try. I've cried, I've scheduled, I've surprised, I've made the advances, I've done everything I can think of. I can't make him want me. If he doesn't ... well there we are.
Did you have an affair in your last marriage too? Is that why your marriage broke up?
I did not. I was physically abused.
What was your screen name?
It has been years; I don't recall.
[
The problem at the root of this IS the fact he does not give me sexual attention. It is not that I've not allowed him to try. I've cried, I've scheduled, I've surprised, I've made the advances, I've done everything I can think of. I can't make him want me. If he doesn't ... well there we are.
This is all an attempt to divert the subject away from the real problem, which is your affair. You have not told your husband you are having an affair and with WHOM. That needs to happen TODAY and all contact needs to end with your OM.
The root of the problem IS YOUR AFFAIR.
QUIT TRYING TO CHANGE THE SUBJECT...
I will put in my 2 cents. To solve this issue your H needs to see his MD and most likely needs to get into IC. I do not actually read an EA into this, your H is not coming no where near to meeting your needs which could very well lead to a PA. You need to sit down and discuss everything with him and get him on board, if not think about D for you are too young to think about this for the next 30 to 40 years.
I appreciate your perspective. I have tried to get him to try meds and counseling. I don't want a PA. I don't want an EA for that matter. I want my husband, but I'm out of options I can think of. We have talked and talked and talked. He has to want a change. Instead, he just gets depressed because he is not meeting my needs, which just continues the cycle. I have desperately tried to tell him I NEED YOU. I don't WANT anyone else. I WANT YOU. I'm talking to a wall.
Did you have an affair in your last marriage too? Is that why your marriage broke up?
I did not. I was physically abused.
What was your screen name?
It has been years; I don't recall.
Did you have an affair in the last marriage?
I will put in my 2 cents. To solve this issue your H needs to see his MD and most likely needs to get into IC. I do not actually read an EA into this, your H is not coming no where near to meeting your needs which could very well lead to a PA. You need to sit down and discuss everything with him and get him on board, if not think about D for you are too young to think about this for the next 30 to 40 years.
I appreciate your perspective. I have tried to get him to try meds and counseling. I don't want a PA. I don't want an EA for that matter. I want my husband, but I'm out of options I can think of. We have talked and talked and talked. He has to want a change. Instead, he just gets depressed because he is not meeting my needs, which just continues the cycle. I have desperately tried to tell him I NEED YOU. I don't WANT anyone else. I WANT YOU. I'm talking to a wall.
This is a DISTRACTION. You need to stay focused on the REAL PROBLEM, which is the affair. The affair is the sinking Titanic and you are focusing on the peeling paint in the girls bathroom. You must first tell your H the full truth about the affair and end contact with your OM. THEN, recovery can take place. But you will have no marriage to save until you do that.
Your husband has to be told the NAME of this rat, and given all the evidence of the affair. The next step will be to send him a no contact letter and pledge to never see or speak to him again.
My advice is to write a final letter in a way that the victimized spouse would agree to send it. It should begin with a statement of how selfish it was to cause those they loved so much pain, and while marital reconciliation cannot completely repay the offense, it's the right thing to do. A statement should be made about how much the unfaithful spouse cares about his spouse and family, and for their protection, has decided to completely end the relationship with the lover. He or she has promised never to see or communicate with the lover again in life, and asks the lover to respect that promise. Nothing should be said about how much the lover will be missed. After the letter is written, the victimized spouse should read and approve it before it is sent
[from SAA, pg 58]
OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.
Sincerely, XXXXX
I have male friends. Always have. Several close ones, who nothing has EVER happened with, and nothing will, who are flirty and joke around and make me feel attractive, without making me feel like they are a threat. Are they all emotional affairs, because they are meeting needs that my husband refuses to?
Did you learn absolutely nothing from your current affair? Your affair started as a "friendship" and you are saying that opposite sex friendships are safe? Are you kidding? You have direct evidence this is not true. This is just more evidence of sloppy boundaries. You already KNOW this is how affairs start.
I have always, always, ALWAYS had male friends. I have not had a problem with cheating since before my first marriage. Between ages 18 and 20, I'd get cheated on, I'd cheat on the next guy, I'd get cheated on, etc. Then I was married for 8 years. No cheating. Then I was divorced, and remarried. No cheating in all that time. The sexual texts were a brief thing a while ago.
I FLIRT. Always have. I do it with my husband. I do it with him watching. I do it when I'm out with girlfriends. They are friends with my husband and tell him everything. Nothing to hide there. Lots of people do, without issue. I'm that kind of person. I haven't had a problem with wanting any more to come of it.
Like I said, I've made a mistake. Flirting led to sexual messages, which led to me feeling guilty, telling my husband, and ending the sexual conversations.
No one is ever going to look at this from the perspective I have on it. I have ONE FRIEND who I've been able to come clean with. She just doesn't know how to help me.
[
To be fair, I DID tell my husband I was receiving and sending sexual texts and chat messages. I HAVE shared in detail my high sex drive. We do talk about women he thinks are "hot" and men and women I think are "hot" as well. I would do anything to make DH want me sexually. Have tried many, many things.
In other words, she is still lying to the man. How is that "fair" to lie to your husband? The truth is that you are having an AFFAIR and your H needs all the facts and names. You haven't told him crap.
Two things:
1. You need to tell your BH who the OM was. Today. Now. No H likes to find out that he's being cuckolded, and it's worse when the offendor turns out to be a close friend or acquaintance, and the longer it takes for him to find out, the more he's likely going to hate you for putting him in that situation and making look like a fool. And FWIW, an added bonus of telling him is that he's likely to assist you in ensuring that no further contact is made with that "friend".
2. Concerning SF or lack thereof in your M, I have some ideas I could share on that subject. However, I'm not going to engage in that conversation until you've made it clear that you've told your H about OM. As a BH, I would be pretty pissed if I found out that my W was trying to get me to engage in SF with her, and at the same time was choosing to continue participating in making me look like a fool.
This is all an attempt to divert the subject away from the real problem, which is your affair. You have not told your husband you are having an affair and with WHOM. That needs to happen TODAY and all contact needs to end with your OM.
The root of the problem IS YOUR AFFAIR.
QUIT TRYING TO CHANGE THE SUBJECT...
My POV is not that I'm having an affair. I had an affair. Even if it was only sexual thoughts about another person. It has been LONG OVER.
I have already TOLD my husband. About the messages and the thoughts.
What I need, is help preventing another.
Did you have an affair in your last marriage too? Is that why your marriage broke up?
I did not. I was physically abused.
Did you have an affair in the last marriage?
I really don't know how many other ways to say no, I did not.
I have male friends. Always have. Several close ones, who nothing has EVER happened with, and nothing will, who are flirty and joke around and make me feel attractive, without making me feel like they are a threat. Are they all emotional affairs, because they are meeting needs that my husband refuses to?
Did you learn absolutely nothing from your current affair? Your affair started as a "friendship" and you are saying that opposite sex friendships are safe? Are you kidding? You have direct evidence this is not true. This is just more evidence of sloppy boundaries. You already KNOW this is how affairs start.
I have always, always, ALWAYS had male friends. I have not had a problem with cheating since before my first marriage. Between ages 18 and 20, I'd get cheated on, I'd cheat on the next guy, I'd get cheated on, etc. Then I was married for 8 years. No cheating. Then I was divorced, and remarried. No cheating in all that time. The sexual texts were a brief thing a while ago.
I FLIRT. Always have. I do it with my husband. I do it with him watching. I do it when I'm out with girlfriends. They are friends with my husband and tell him everything. Nothing to hide there. Lots of people do, without issue. I'm that kind of person. I haven't had a problem with wanting any more to come of it.
So sez the person who just got hit by a car "I have always played in the road and I even do it with my H watching!!"
Do you truly not see how crazy and fogged out your statements are? You are having an affair BECAUSE OF your sloppy boundaries around men and you are trying to convince us that your sloppy boundaries are..................safe.
That is NUTS.
No one is ever going to look at this from the perspective I have on it. I have ONE FRIEND who I've been able to come clean with. She just doesn't know how to help me.
That is because you are fogged out and are the LEAST objective person on this thread. Your thinking process is being fogged out by your affair is extremely crazy to the outside observer. You are about as rational as a falling down drunk.
My POV is not that I'm having an affair. I had an affair. Even if it was only sexual thoughts about another person. It has been LONG OVER.
As long as you are still in touch with your OM is not over.
I have already TOLD my husband. About the messages and the thoughts.
This is a lie. He has not been told the full truth.
What I need, is help preventing another.
WE are telling you but you are not listening.
To be fair, I DID tell my husband I was receiving and sending sexual texts and chat messages. I HAVE shared in detail my high sex drive. We do talk about women he thinks are "hot" and men and women I think are "hot" as well. I would do anything to make DH want me sexually. Have tried many, many things.
In other words, she is still lying to the man. How is that "fair" to lie to your husband? The truth is that you are having an AFFAIR and your H needs all the facts and names. You haven't told him crap.
You are confusing me greatly. This sexting took place last April. I felt guilty. I ended it. I told my husband. There is not much more I could have possibly done.
Other than move far away from friends, family, job and school. I guess that's the only advice for saving my marriage I'm going to get here.
I FLIRT. Always have. I do it with my husband. I do it with him watching. I do it when I'm out with girlfriends. They are friends with my husband and tell him everything. Nothing to hide there.
Wow, that is incredibly disrespectful to your H. How embarrassing for him to watch his wife coming on to other men...with everyone else watching also.
This must be a huge turn off for him.
Mfal,
You are confusing me greatly. This sexting took place last April. I felt guilty. I ended it. I told my husband. There is not much more I could have possibly done.
Except, you told your friend what happened and have not told your H as much as you told your friend, no one should have greater intimacy with you then your H has. I know that my W confided in a friend of hers details about her affair she has never told me and it's painful. Your H needs to know who OM is.
God Bless
Gamma
[
You are confusing me greatly. This sexting took place last April. I felt guilty. I ended it. I told my husband. There is not much more I could have possibly done.
Other than move far away from friends, family, job and school. I guess that's the only advice for saving my marriage I'm going to get here.
You are confused because you are so fogged out. If you want to save your marriage, here are the steps. And how stupid is it to maintain opposite sex friendships, with flirting, when you KNOW you are vulnerable?
:
1. tell your husband about your affair along with the NAME of the scumbum - he needs to know who the fox in the henhouse is
2. tell your kids, friends and family members
3. send the OM a no contact letter and commit to no contact for life
4. affair proof your marriage by acting like a married person instead of an alley cat in heat. STOP flirting, end your opposite sex friendships, delete facebook, become transparent
5. Move away if necessary to avoid contact with the OM
6. commit to actually USING the MB program and creating a safe marriage where your needs are met
THAT is what it will take to save your marriage. You have no right to withhold the identity of this loser from your husband. Your H also needs to sign up on the board so we can help him establish some boundaries. You are dangerous!
Other than move far away from friends, family, job and school. I guess that's the only advice for saving my marriage I'm going to get here.
Please bear in mind that you're viewing this situation as one who is basically on the edge of that slippery slope into infidelity, and you're discussing it with persons who have either fallen down that slope and regretted it, or ended up suffering as a result of their spouse choosing to do the same. Our perspective is quite different, and we have a much clearer view of the type of behaviour that places persons onto that slope in the first place. So yes, some of the advice might seem harsh and draconian, but consider the perspective of the persons providing it.
"In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure."
Mfal --
I'm baffled. When you told your husband about the texts -- HE DIDN'T ASK YOU WHO IT WAS? What kind of guy doesn't want to know who is threatening his marriage? What kind of guy doesn't want to protect his wife?
MFAL -- you must get the message through to your husband that one of your primary needs is not being met - and it is threatening your happiness and marriage. It is your responsibility to be open and honest about that...
Very slippery slope you are treading here.
I'm aware of this.
Has you BH been to a doctor to discuss this issue. Could be low testosterone levels.
I've asked him to, dozens of times.
As far as him pulling further away, we choose the consequences when we choose the behavior.
Thanks for emphasizing that my husbands lack of interest in me is my fault. I haven't felt that way for years or anything. :l
I never said his lack of interest is all your fault, I said his further pulling away since your admission is.Sorry for the sarcasm, but its a touchy subject. I am attractive, fit and sexy. I never "let myself go" or nag. I am a damn good wife. I meet HIS needs. To heck with mine, eh?
No, your needs are important and need to be met. Not by looking outside of the marriage, however. Your husband and you have issues that need to be dealt with.I made a mistake. Plenty of men have expressed interest. Only once have I been so foolish as to let the conversation continue to the point where my errant thoughts became ... detailed.
Well ain't you just grand for having only "slipped" once. It's called justifying and minimizing. It's not when I'm with or around the OP that I have these thoughts ... it is when I'm alone and sorely neglected. It's in the shower. It's in the bed alone while my DH is awake playing a computer game, but comes to bed "too tired" ... it's when I wake up next to my husband in the night wishing I'd had sex in the past month so I could freakin' sleep. :l
Again, it is impossible to heal this as long as you still see the OM. You came asking for help, please accept it.
I FLIRT. Always have. I do it with my husband. I do it with him watching. I do it when I'm out with girlfriends. They are friends with my husband and tell him everything. Nothing to hide there.
Wow, that is incredibly disrespectful to your H. How embarrassing for him to watch his wife coming on to other men...with everyone else watching also.
This must be a huge turn off for him.
Flirting isn't unnatural or dirty. He flirts as well. We were both like this before marriage, and it has never been an issue.
Except, you told your friend what happened and have not told your H as much as you told your friend, no one should have greater intimacy with you then your H has. I know that my W confided in a friend of hers details about her affair she has never told me and it's painful. Your H needs to know who OM is.
God Bless
Gamma
I've never had a friend closer than my husband before we started to have these problems with SF. Talking to him about it seemed to fall on deaf ears. This friend is a mutual friend of ours, his friend before she became mine. There is always more to the story, and it would hurt other people more than it would help if this person's identity were discovered. I messed up, but I don't have to mess up a bunch of other people's lives just to try and salvage my marriage. I would honestly rather it ended than to hurt the people who would be hurt. No one wants that.
My mistake; my burden.
I FLIRT. Always have. I do it with my husband. I do it with him watching. I do it when I'm out with girlfriends. They are friends with my husband and tell him everything. Nothing to hide there.
Wow, that is incredibly disrespectful to your H. How embarrassing for him to watch his wife coming on to other men...with everyone else watching also.
This must be a huge turn off for him.
Flirting isn't unnatural or dirty. He flirts as well. We were both like this before marriage, and it has never been an issue.
Flirting is a form of COURTING. It is an issue. And it is inappropriate for married people.
I FLIRT. Always have. I do it with my husband. I do it with him watching. I do it when I'm out with girlfriends. They are friends with my husband and tell him everything. Nothing to hide there.
Wow, that is incredibly disrespectful to your H. How embarrassing for him to watch his wife coming on to other men...with everyone else watching also.
This must be a huge turn off for him.
Flirting isn't unnatural or dirty. He flirts as well. We were both like this before marriage, and it has never been an issue.
It is poor boundaries and leads to affairs. Who wants to be married to a playboy(girl)?
Except, you told your friend what happened and have not told your H as much as you told your friend, no one should have greater intimacy with you then your H has. I know that my W confided in a friend of hers details about her affair she has never told me and it's painful. Your H needs to know who OM is.
God Bless
Gamma
I've never had a friend closer than my husband before we started to have these problems with SF. Talking to him about it seemed to fall on deaf ears. This friend is a mutual friend of ours, his friend before she became mine. There is always more to the story, and it would hurt other people more than it would help if this person's identity were discovered. I messed up, but I don't have to mess up a bunch of other people's lives just to try and salvage my marriage. I would honestly rather it ended than to hurt the people who would be hurt. No one wants that.
My mistake; my burden.
Lying to your husband about the identity of your OM is harmful and hurtful to your marriage. And yes, you did hurt people by having an affair. The solution is not more lying. Honesty is the solution.
This is information about your husbands life that he has a RIGHT TO KNOW. You have no right to withhold it from him. He has to know so he can protect himself from you and the OM.
Please bear in mind that you're viewing this situation as one who is basically on the edge of that slippery slope into infidelity, and you're discussing it with persons who have either fallen down that slope and regretted it, or ended up suffering as a result of their spouse choosing to do the same. Our perspective is quite different, and we have a much clearer view of the type of behaviour that places persons onto that slope in the first place. So yes, some of the advice might seem harsh and draconian, but consider the perspective of the persons providing it.
I do understand that. I never expected sympathy. But I feel I would be in a better position to receive help if I had simply gone to the main forum and asked about how I could possibly get my husband to start recognizing and meeting my emotional need for SF.
Radical honesty has burned me many, many times. I have felt nothing but regret for telling him about the texts. It hurt more than it helped. But it had to be done.
I do understand that. I never expected sympathy. But I feel I would be in a better position to receive help if I had simply gone to the main forum and asked about how I could possibly get my husband to start recognizing and meeting my emotional need for SF.
Radical honesty has burned me many, many times. I have felt nothing but regret for telling him about the texts. It hurt more than it helped. But it had to be done.
It is your lack of honesty that is harming your marriage. As long as you continue to lie to your husband, intimacy will never be attainable. You have a very wayward mindset that believes in dishonesty. A marriage cannot survive based on a foundation of dishonesty.
Mfal --
I'm baffled. When you told your husband about the texts -- HE DIDN'T ASK YOU WHO IT WAS? What kind of guy doesn't want to know who is threatening his marriage? What kind of guy doesn't want to protect his wife?
MFAL -- you must get the message through to your husband that one of your primary needs is not being met - and it is threatening your happiness and marriage. It is your responsibility to be open and honest about that...
He did ask who. I did not want to say. Months later, he asked if it was OP, and I denied it. Why? Because it would hurt many, many people for that detail to come out, and I'm unwilling to hurt those people for MY MISTAKE.
I have been extremely open in communicating my needs to him. He is in a fog of his own.
[
Radical honesty has burned me many, many times. I have felt nothing but regret for telling him about the texts. It hurt more than it helped. But it had to be done.
]
What a load of crap. You were not honest. You told him a glossed over, minimized story to assauge your guilt. You didn't tell him the truth. Your lies have harmed your marriage.
Well ain't you just grand for having only "slipped" once. It's called justifying and minimizing.
I'm sorry, it wasn't meant to be flippant. I regret my choice to engage in sexting and the pain it has caused.
Has there never been a case where the WW absolutely cannot reasonably commit to a "no contact" agreement and things get better?
Nope.
Flirting isn't unnatural or dirty. He flirts as well. We were both like this before marriage, and it has never been an issue.
Flirting is like playing Russian Roulette. You may get away with it for a while, but sooner or later you will get shot.
The advice you have been getting is not just a possible way to deal with this...it is the ONLY SUCCESSFUL WAY to heal and recover your marriage.
You need:
HONESTY
NO CONTACT
ELIMINATE THE CONDITIONS THAT MADE THIS A POSSIBLE
If your M is to truly succeed, your BH will need to stop flirting as well, and tighten up his own boundaries around women. That should be at the very, very bottom of your worry list right now.
You clean up your own side of the street. It's the only side you can control. Right now it's just as messy as if you'd had a PA. You need all the same steps as if it was a PA.
Don't kid yourself. This is way more than "dirty fantasies". You can make it through this, as long as you take the steps to heal. Radical Honesty, No Contact, Extraordinary Precautions.
[
He did ask who. I did not want to say. Months later, he asked if it was OP, and I denied it. Why? Because it would hurt many, many people for that detail to come out, and I'm unwilling to hurt those people for MY MISTAKE.
I have been extremely open in communicating my needs to him. He is in a fog of his own.
You LIED to him. Your lies hurt him and your marriage. Saying you don't want to "hurt people" is just an excuse to avoid doing the right thing. If your friend stole your money would it be ok for her not to tell you because she doesn't want to "hurt you?" Wouldnt' that be a ridiculous excuse?
You have secrets with the OM to which your husband is not privy. Intimacy and trust can never be restored on that basis. You are living a lie.
You cannot lie your way to a good marriage. It doesn't work.
I have a hard time believing this is your first affair with such a profoundly dishonest attitude like that. I know you would not hesitate to lie to board members if you felt it was expedient.
How about trying to remember that old screen name so we can look up your old posts? You say you got divorced because your H was "abusive" but that is the favored lie of almost every wayward wife.
Mfal --
I'm baffled. When you told your husband about the texts -- HE DIDN'T ASK YOU WHO IT WAS? What kind of guy doesn't want to know who is threatening his marriage? What kind of guy doesn't want to protect his wife?
MFAL -- you must get the message through to your husband that one of your primary needs is not being met - and it is threatening your happiness and marriage. It is your responsibility to be open and honest about that...
He did ask who. I did not want to say. Months later, he asked if it was OP, and I denied it. Why?
Because it would hurt many, many people for that detail to come out, and I'm unwilling to hurt those people for MY MISTAKE.
No. It would hurt YOU. You want to keep OM in your life and the only way to do this is to withhold that info from your BH.
What a load of crap. You were not honest. You told him a glossed over, minimized story to assauge your guilt. You didn't tell him the truth. Your lies have harmed your marriage.
I admire your passion, but we are at an impasse.
I cannot reveal this persons identity without hurting innocent people.
I have caused enough suffering. I will not do it.
I will not leave my home, my job, my extended family or my community over a few dirty messages.
I was wrong to seek advice here.
Mfal --
I'm baffled. When you told your husband about the texts -- HE DIDN'T ASK YOU WHO IT WAS? What kind of guy doesn't want to know who is threatening his marriage? What kind of guy doesn't want to protect his wife?
MFAL -- you must get the message through to your husband that one of your primary needs is not being met - and it is threatening your happiness and marriage. It is your responsibility to be open and honest about that...
He did ask who. I did not want to say. Months later, he asked if it was OP, and I denied it. Why? Because it would hurt many, many people for that detail to come out, and I'm unwilling to hurt those people for MY MISTAKE.
I have been extremely open in communicating my needs to him. He is in a fog of his own.
If you're too cowardly to answer a basic question like "Who was the OP?", then do him the biggest favor you possibly could a file for a divorce.
I don't say that out of anger at all. You don't have any respect for your spouse, he obviously doesn't have the guts or the desire to divorce you even though you are toxic for him, so prove you have some level of love for him and cut him loose.
Then again, if you can't answer a simple question, you probably don't have the guts to do that either.
What a load of crap. You were not honest. You told him a glossed over, minimized story to assauge your guilt. You didn't tell him the truth. Your lies have harmed your marriage.
I admire your passion, but we are at an impasse.
I cannot reveal this persons identity without hurting innocent people.
I have caused enough suffering. I will not do it.
I will not leave my home, my job, my extended family or my community over a few dirty messages.
I was wrong to seek advice here.
Is this a GBCW post?
I FLIRT. Always have. I do it with my husband. I do it with him watching. I do it when I'm out with girlfriends. They are friends with my husband and tell him everything. Nothing to hide there. Lots of people do, without issue. I'm that kind of person. I haven't had a problem with wanting any more to come of it.
HUGE PROBLEM!!!!! Why do you need to flirt with other men? Do you know what a boundary is?
Like I said, I've made a mistake. Flirting led to sexual messages, which led to me feeling guilty, telling my husband, and ending the sexual conversations.
You continue to see the OM and still have fantasies about him. To end this, there must be NO CONTACT. PERIOD!!
No one is ever going to look at this from the perspective I have on it. I have ONE FRIEND who I've been able to come clean with. She just doesn't know how to help me.
You are correct. No one here is going to condone you continuing to harm you marriage by refusing to go no contact with the OM.
I am not discounting the advice here, I'm just ... quite overwhelmed.
Would you please consider talking to Dr. Harley, professionally? He can help you organize and prioritize the advice you are given and put together a plan to fix this.
Since you are overwhelmed, it is going to be hard to put one foot in front of the other.
Therefore, you need help.
You can talk to Dr. Harley for free on his radio show:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4200_radio.html
I have a hard time believing this is your first affair with such a profoundly dishonest attitude like that. I know you would not hesitate to lie to board members if you felt it was expedient.
You will believe what you want to believe. I have nothing to gain by lying here.
How about trying to remember that old screen name so we can look up your old posts? You say you got divorced because your H was "abusive" but that is the favored lie of almost every wayward wife.
I don't think even hospital records would change your opinion of me, but I know what I endured and what I escaped. Never once did I stray.
Thanks to those who tried to help, but I don't see any kind of cure being offered for the underlying symptoms. People whose needs are being met don't cheat. That's what I heard.
Let's see . . .
-You engage in independent behavior.
-You proudly maintain relationships with male friends.
- You are a self-proclaimed very sexual woman who constantly reminds her husband that he's not meeting your needs -- specifically, your sexual needs.
- You engaged in an emotonal affair. You told your husband about the emotional affair, but refused to identify your affair partner even though he wanted to know. He correctly guessed the identity of the affair partner and you lied about it.
- You are openly living a lie with your husband and refuse to give him pertinent details about his life (rest assured mfal, he KNOWS the identity of your paramour . . .).
- You are at wits-end in trying to come up with answers about why your husband doesn't want to engage in SF with you.
Don't know your husband; he may be very different from me. However, if you looked like Angelina Jolie and treated me the way you're treating him, it's likely the only occasion I may be able to rise to would be to puke in your shoes.
Is this a GBCW post?
More of a white flag.
Do we joke about suicide here? I wasn't informed. :l
Suicide?
What are you talking about?
If you're too cowardly to answer a basic question like "Who was the OP?", then do him the biggest favor you possibly could a file for a divorce.
I don't say that out of anger at all. You don't have any respect for your spouse, he obviously doesn't have the guts or the desire to divorce you even though you are toxic for him, so prove you have some level of love for him and cut him loose.
It crossed my mind. He deserves better than me.
Suicide?
What are you talking about?
GBCW?
Does this mean something else I'm unaware of?
What a load of crap. You were not honest. You told him a glossed over, minimized story to assauge your guilt. You didn't tell him the truth. Your lies have harmed your marriage.
I cannot reveal this persons identity without hurting innocent people.
Wrong.
You do not care about innocent people or you wouldn't have engaged in this to begin with.
The only thing you care about is losing the ability to keep the OM in YOUR life.
How is your BH supposed to protect HIMSELF and YOU if he doesn't know WHOM to protect HIMSELF and YOU from???
Jim
It crossed my mind. He deserves better than me.
You owe it to yourself to become a better more mature person.
You have already hurt the innocent people. You have already destroyed whatever bond of family and friendship exist. The innocent people just don't know it yet.
People whose needs are being met don't cheat.
This isn't necessarily true, but for the moment lets skip an argument of the basic premise and pretend it's completely factual.
So a person's needs weren't being met and they cheated. They are still in contact with the OP.
Are we really going to advise that the first step is to see that their EN's get met so they don't cheat again? No!!! The first step, once that line has been crossed - as it has been in your case - is to tell the BS and establish NC.
To focus on unmet needs whilst contact with the OP is ongoing is like hunting everywhere for tweezers to remove a splinter as the patient bleeds to death from a severed leg.
Suicide?
What are you talking about?
GBCW?
Does this mean something else I'm unaware of?
Yes.
It's a term we have for posters who leave a message that they are being treated badly by MBers and announce they will never return to MB ever again. Except, they usually do.
Very dramatic.
Did you think that, unlike what we tell every single other poster to ever come to this board, that NC just wasn't necessary...
for only you???
NC is the very cornerstone of R. Without it, the whole building will collapse.
Let's see . . .
-You engage in independent behavior.
-You proudly maintain relationships with male friends.
- You are a self-proclaimed very sexual woman who constantly reminds her husband that he's not meeting your needs -- specifically, your sexual needs.
- You engaged in an emotonal affair. You told your husband about the emotional affair, but refused to identify your affair partner even though he wanted to know. He correctly guessed the identity of the affair partner and you lied about it.
- You are openly living a lie with your husband and refuse to give him pertinent details about his life (rest assured mfal, he KNOWS the identity of your paramour . . .).
- You are at wits-end in trying to come up with answers about why your husband doesn't want to engage in SF with you.
Don't know your husband; he may be very different from me. However, if you looked like Angelina Jolie and treated me the way you're treating him, it's likely the only occasion I may be able to rise to would be to puke in your shoes.
Harsh, but I see what you're saying.
The way I act now is the way I've acted since he met me. We dated for years before marriage. I never wanted to change him. He never wanted to change me. The only thing that's changed is his sex drive. I still find him very attractive. Neither one of us has let ourselves go. Nothing else in our relationship has gone south. I am deeply in love with him -- THAT is why it didn't become a PA. He is deeply in love with me. It would shatter him if I had a PA.
I'm told to talk to him about it, and I have. But then, I'm what, rubbing his nose in it? Honestly, I've known for a long time that it's a losing fight. If I don't bring it up, I'm simply neglected. If I do bring it up, it hurts him. Lose-Lose.
The waning sex drive was an issue long before I met the OP. I've not had issues with sexual advances from other male friends. Flirting has never been an issue between my husband and I. It has never escalated.
Sigh.
I have a hard time believing this is your first affair with such a profoundly dishonest attitude like that. I know you would not hesitate to lie to board members if you felt it was expedient.
You will believe what you want to believe. I have nothing to gain by lying here.
You have stated before that you will lie if it is expedient, so we have no reason to believe you. You lie to those you love, so it is not hard to see that you would lie to strangers on the internet. You view lying as a valuable tool to manipulate people.
Thanks to those who tried to help, but I don't see any kind of cure being offered for the underlying symptoms. People whose needs are being met don't cheat. That's what I heard.
This is nothing more than blaming the victim. You are the rapist who says he rapes because his victim wore provocative clothing. You are doing nothing more than attempting to change the subject.
Is this a GBCW post?
More of a white flag.
Do we joke about suicide here? I wasn't informed. :l
You're all right. I am looking for a way around the NC part.
Long story short, this person is in my life.
I won't chop off my arm because I have a splinter in my finger.
I will do what I can to minimize contact, and continue to explore every avenue to get my husband to fulfill my needs.
Thanks for your patience. I do wish everyone well with their personal journeys.
mfal, Please contact the moderators about the use of multiple aliases: A user from the IP XXXXXXXXXXXX has logged in to the following accounts: ex_princess, mfal
Our Terms of Service state:
You agree not to create multiple usernames for deceptive purposes.
Thank you, Fireproof
Oh yeah, forgot this one:
-You openly flirt with other men, including your husband's friends, in front of him, then think it's funny and cute when they joke with him about it.
Believe it or not, once a man is emotionally involved, he sees well beyond the physical appearance, especially in regulating his sex drive. The picture you paint here is of a decidedly-unattractive woman.
There is no way I would live with a woman who emasculated me the way you're emasculating your husband. I don't see how he does it.
Thanks to those who tried to help, but I don't see any kind of cure being offered for the underlying symptoms. People whose needs are being met don't cheat. That's what I heard.
mfal, did you see my suggestion that you talk to Dr. Harley, personally, for help, and how you can do so?
I saw your post that both of you flirt openly with other people, and have since the beginning of your marriage and before. Really, what you guys have is a form of open marriage. Not sexually open, but pushing the boundaries and open to the meeting of other intimate emotional needs. And probably open to some forms of sexual need meeting that don't go "too far."
You guys really do need professional help from the best, probably more help than this forum can offer, and I strongly suggest that you talk to Dr. Harley himself. If Dr. Harley can help people put together a plan to fix an open marriage (and he has done this!), then he can help you guys in yours.
"I will not chop off my arm to get rid of the terrible infection of flesh-eating bacteria that will kill me before long."
That's what you're really saying. This is not a splinter. A whole tree fell on your BH.
I do, too. She pulls no punches. There's not any ambiguity as to what she really believes.
And she cares.
Like I suspected, this is not her FIRST RODEO. She had an affair in her last marriage and justified it by blaming her husband. This is her pattern. She wrote this in
2001:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You are right - it benefits no one to read about how happy WS's are with their boy/girlfriends.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This is not the first time we've butted heads.
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=34&t=002757 I had an abusive husband.
I had an emotional affair.I ended my emotional affair and tried to work things out with my husband.
He refused to admit any wrongdoing. He wanted me to let him have a physical affair because of what I did. Heck, he wanted me to watch and participate.
I left my abusive husband.
I found out he was having an emotional affair and details of how they were going to meet and make it physical. Perhaps they did.
I started dating before the divorce was final.
If you want to call me a WS because of it, that's fine.
There were a LOT of times I could have had a physical affair and didn't. I'm not looking for a pat on the back for that.
But, life after divorce is not all doom and gloom for everyone.
I don't even know why I feel I have to respond and defend myself. I think I'm suffering from the emotional tidal waves too ...
[ October 23, 2001: Message edited by: Princess Buttercup ]
Your husband has every right to know the identity of the man threatening his marriage.
AND you have already shown weak boundries around this man....so therefore it should be up to your HUSBAND to make sure you are not around him.
You cannot be the one in charge of deciding how much contact with this preditor is OK for your marriage.
This man (OM) is a piece of garbage. Why are you protecting him?
There is nothing cute about a guy who invades a "close family friends" marriage.
I ended my emotional affair and tried to work things out with my husband.
[ October 23, 2001: Message edited by: Princess Buttercup ]
Nothing has changed in 10 years, except the HUSBAND. She is using the exact same justifications today she used with her last husband 11 years ago. She has learned NOTHING.
She is using the exact same justifications today she used with her last husband 11 years ago. She has learned NOTHING.
What's curious to me is ....
WHY do waywards return and post their dilema to MB forums when MB was not implemented the
first time they went to the rodeo?
Huh?
She is using the exact same justifications today she used with her last husband 11 years ago. She has learned NOTHING.
What's curious to me is ....
WHY do waywards return and post their dilema to MB forums when MB was not implemented the
first time they went to the rodeo?
Huh?
She is fishing for VALIDATION. She has never been interested in Marriage Builders and doesn't have the slightest idea what it entails.
mfal, are you from the TOW board on gloryb.com? Nellie mentioned that on your thread from 11 years ago. Is that where you are from? It would explain why you have such a fogged out wayward mentality. It is clear that you believe that dishonesty and adultery are entitlements for you to use when expedient for your own selfish reasons.
You are very cruel, manipulative, and dangerous.
Perhaps there will be an edit ??????
When I first came here, I was foolish enough to use an ID that I had used on other sites, and people from "real life" found me. That wasn't pleasant. :l
MelodyLane, you could read all 145 pages of posts from as much as 11 years ago and still not have a clue as to the depth of what I have survived.
What's going on NOW and what was happening THEN are completely different. I have a hard time respecting judgmental, name-calling people.
Life has been difficult. I refuse to believe that a sexting scandal is the end of the world. Maybe if I were a politician, but not this. Not me. Not today.
The way I act now is the way I've acted since he met me.
Wow! Caveat emptor, huh? The old "he knew what he was getting" defense?
It is amazing how clueless you are.
Perhaps there will be an edit ??????
So welcoming here. LOL
No, I take comfort in the knowledge that statements such as "You are very cruel, manipulative, and dangerous" completely contradict everything ever said to me in person, with the exception of a very narcissistic ex.
I'm not a bad person. I am a flawed human who made a huge mistake. One I will pay for ... forever.
And it still won't be the worst thing that ever happened to me.
What's going on NOW and what was happening THEN are completely different. I have a hard time respecting judgmental, name-calling people.
We can see why you wouldn't like people who can judge right from wrong. You have not changed a bit since your last marriage. Same game, same rodeo.
I regret my choice to engage in sexting and the pain it has caused.
A grown woman, a wife, a mother to children ..... why the hell would you subjugate yourself to the humiliation of something so stupid and juvenile as sexting?
This is not filling your marriage's "unmet needs" .
This is irrational and impulsive behavior.
Is something else going on?
Not much.
The sexting? Because it made me feel attractive. Something I was missing.
I have a lot of friends younger than me. I know there must be some sort of rule against that too, but it's true.
mfal, the derogatory way you keep referring to "rules" intrigues me. I don't make any rules for your life, nor does this forum. Do you just not like rules in general?
I cannot believe the level of disrespect you are displaying towards your husband.
You seem to think it's ok to flirt with other man. Yes, it's fine, WHEN YOU ARE SINGLE!! You have no business flirting with every Tom, Paul and Harry when you promised love, respect and loyalty to your husband when you married him. That just testifies to you having very, very poor boundaries indeed.
Your continued lying about your EA is another act of total disrespect; your husband now knows that you are sexually and mentally attracted to someone else, he even was spot on in identifying OM, yet you continue to deceive him.
And you wonder why he's not having sex with you? The poor guy is not feeling safe and secure around you!
You need to put the poor ole me act on the shelf and start showing some humility. Listen to the vets here, start being honest and face the consequences of YOUR actions.
I'm not a bad person. I am a flawed human who made a huge mistake.
You are a very dishonest person who believes you know better than your husband what is good for him.
Let's take that one step farther: all these other people inextricably intwined in your relationship with OM that would be hurt by total exposure, you think you know what's best for them, too.
You walk though life making summary judgments about what's good for others and what's not. In reality, you are incredibly selfish and control information for this explicit purpose:
. . . completely contradict everything ever said to me in person . . .
to hide your true character behind your manufactured reputation (props to NeverGuessed for this genius quote).
And you have the nerve to call your ex narcissistic.
Go take out a loan and buy a clue, mfal.
The sexting? Because it made me feel attractive.
Are you attractive? Are you unattractive?
Nothing would make me feel less attractive than sexting.
Free porn for a stranger?
No thank you.
What's curious to me is .... WHY do waywards return and post their dilema to MB forums when MB was not implemented the first time they went to the rodeo?
They are addicts, of course. Dr H says adultery is analogous to (actually, a type of) addiction.
Do you know the mean number of times an alcoholic undergoes treatment? Two. It is more than two for narcotic addicts.
It should not be unexpected the average adulterer will show up here more than once.
Just reading this one�s excuses, equivocations and rationalizations - she is an addict.
Oh, and her H sounds clinically depressed.
This one's best hope is to talk to the counseling center in person.
eta: sorry - this is growing faster than I can keep up.
Yes, Melody is right. You have to cut yourself off from other man friendships or you will remain in the "affair fog".
Physical or not, it is still an affair. You said YOU were the one with the problem around the OP. Well, then you can't allow yourself to be around him EVER again. If I ever see my POSOM again, it will rekindle all the old feelings. This is why I can't even look at his FB page or google or anything. Your body is chemically keeping you in affair fog.
Really think about what you can do to get your husband to respond to you. Have you threatened to leave? After my husband found out about my affair, he said I should have hit him over the head with something to get him to meet my needs. Your husband would prefer a threat of leaving to your affair continuing. It's sad how he's not meeting your needs. I don't believe he's meeting your EA's either. If he was, then all you'd need to do is sleep around to get your SF needs met. See what I mean? I am NOT advising this. I am just trying to make the point that I don't think your husband is meeting a lot of your needs. It's always more complicated than just one need not being met.
You need to figure out how you're going to get your husband to RESPOND to you!
What's curious to me is .... WHY do waywards return and post their dilema to MB forums when MB was not implemented the first time they went to the rodeo?
They are addicts, of course. Dr H says adultery is analogous to (actually, a type of) addiction.
Do you know the mean number of times an alcoholic undergoes treatment? Two. It is more than two for narcotic addicts.
It should not be unexpected the average adulterer will show up here more than once.
Just reading this one�s excuses, equivocations and rationalizations - she is an addict.
Oh, and her H sounds clinically depressed.
This one's best hope is to talk to the counseling center in person.
She's not addicted to this forum, is she?
I'm confused.
Again.
I FLIRT. Always have. I do it with my husband. I do it with him watching. I do it when I'm out with girlfriends. They are friends with my husband and tell him everything. Nothing to hide there.
Wow, that is incredibly disrespectful to your H. How embarrassing for him to watch his wife coming on to other men...with everyone else watching also.
This must be a huge turn off for him.
Exactly.
No wonder he doesn't want sex with her.
mfal, the derogatory way you keep referring to "rules" intrigues me. I don't make any rules for your life, nor does this forum. Do you just not like rules in general?
I was referring to the rules other people must have in their lives that I was never privy to ... like, flirting has no place in marriage. I'm sure many of you have rules about porn. I don't. I don't care if he looks. He doesn't care if I look. But I'm pretty sure that someone here will instantly say that neither of us should ever look at porn again, because that's in their rule book.
I am married to an incredibly amazing man. Friends of ours see it. They see what we have. They see the way he looks at me. I can easily say that I'm a very happy person, very content with where I am in life. I want for one thing. And I want it from him. And for everyone that thinks I'm a lucky woman, there are just as many who know that he's a lucky man. I am not without my faults, but I have a few good qualities as well. We are perfect together. On the outside, no one would know what is missing. I know what's missing. And I want it back.
She's flirting to get her husbands attention.
And I agree that it sounds as if her husband is clinically depressed.
I have a lot of friends younger than me. I know there must be some sort of rule against that too, but it's true.
Are you aware of how ridiculous you sound?
Friends of all ages are fantastic.
I have friends in their 80's and friends in their 20's.
I sext none of my friends.
Such behavior is too humiliating and self-derogatory for any self-respecting woman.
Are you seriously saying that you DON'T see a connection between you watching porn and thinking about sex all the time?
And you DON'T see the connection between your husband watching porn and loosing interest in being intimate with you?
Seriously take 10 seconds to thing about it, the connection should hit home soon......
Anything???
Thanks to those who tried to help, but I don't see any kind of cure being offered for the underlying symptoms. People whose needs are being met don't cheat. That's what I heard.
mfal, did you see my suggestion that you talk to Dr. Harley, personally, for help, and how you can do so?
I saw your post that both of you flirt openly with other people, and have since the beginning of your marriage and before. Really, what you guys have is a form of open marriage. Not sexually open, but pushing the boundaries and open to the meeting of other intimate emotional needs. And probably open to some forms of sexual need meeting that don't go "too far."
You guys really do need professional help from the best, probably more help than this forum can offer, and I strongly suggest that you talk to Dr. Harley himself. If Dr. Harley can help people put together a plan to fix an open marriage (and he has done this!), then he can help you guys in yours.
mfal, I repeat my suggestion that you need more help than this forum can offer alone, and I encourage you to take advantage of the opportunity to talk to Dr. Harley for free.
She's flirting to get her husbands attention.
And I agree that it sounds as if her husband is clinically depressed.
He's definitely depressed. Again, I've tried getting him to see a doctor AND a psychologist. I have tried and tried.
And everyone cheerfully skipped over the part where I mentioned that he flirts too. My girlfriends flirt with him. His female friends flirt with him. I don't have a problem with it because I know he's attractive and I know he's mine.
If he has a problem with his friends flirting with me, or me flirting with his friends, or with my female friends (in fun) then he has a responsibility of telling me that. Because in ten years, he hasn't.
mfal, the derogatory way you keep referring to "rules" intrigues me. I don't make any rules for your life, nor does this forum. Do you just not like rules in general?
I was referring to the rules other people must have in their lives that I was never privy to ... like, flirting has no place in marriage. I'm sure many of you have rules about porn. I don't. I don't care if he looks. He doesn't care if I look. But I'm pretty sure that someone here will instantly say that neither of us should ever look at porn again, because that's in their rule book.
I am married to an incredibly amazing man. Friends of ours see it. They see what we have. They see the way he looks at me. I can easily say that I'm a very happy person, very content with where I am in life. I want for one thing. And I want it from him. And for everyone that thinks I'm a lucky woman, there are just as many who know that he's a lucky man. I am not without my faults, but I have a few good qualities as well. We are perfect together. On the outside, no one would know what is missing. I know what's missing. And I want it back.
Please send your husband here so we can warn him of the impending train wreck of your marriage. He deserves better.
mfal, I repeat my suggestion that you need more help than this forum can offer alone, and I encourage you to take advantage of the opportunity to talk to Dr. Harley for free.
I could not agree more.
There is something else going on.
I have a pretty good idea what it might be.
This is not the correct venue for dealing with such issues.
Are you seriously saying that you DON'T see a connection between you watching porn and thinking about sex all the time?
And you DON'T see the connection between your husband watching porn and loosing interest in being intimate with you?
Seriously take 10 seconds to thing about it, the connection should hit home soon......
Anything???
I don't look at porn much at all really. Not at all in months. And I don't check his internet history, but I doubt he does either. He plays PC games.
I've been told it's really not that uncommon for women around 40 to be a hot mess. And for men around 40 to have diminished drive.
mfal, I repeat my suggestion that you need more help than this forum can offer alone, and I encourage you to take advantage of the opportunity to talk to Dr. Harley for free.
Didn't mean to skip that over in all of the responses. I'd be more comfortable talking to a local psychologist that I might be able to talk hubby into visiting with me, than calling in though. Thanks.
mfal, the derogatory way you keep referring to "rules" intrigues me. I don't make any rules for your life, nor does this forum. Do you just not like rules in general?
I was referring to the rules other people must have in their lives that I was never privy to ... like, flirting has no place in marriage. I'm sure many of you have rules about porn. I don't. I don't care if he looks. He doesn't care if I look. But I'm pretty sure that someone here will instantly say that neither of us should ever look at porn again, because that's in their rule book.
Do you suppose that some people might have reasons for some of the rules they live by? Or are all rules just "bad," automatically?
Do you think that people who live in great marriages might have some rules they live by that cause their lifestyle to result in a great marriage?
She's flirting to get her husbands attention.
And I agree that it sounds as if her husband is clinically depressed.
He's definitely depressed. Again, I've tried getting him to see a doctor AND a psychologist. I have tried and tried.
And everyone cheerfully skipped over the part where I mentioned that he flirts too.
I most certainly did not, mfal. Are you reading my posts? Should I continue posting to you?
mfal, I repeat my suggestion that you need more help than this forum can offer alone, and I encourage you to take advantage of the opportunity to talk to Dr. Harley for free.
Didn't mean to skip that over in all of the responses. I'd be more comfortable talking to a local psychologist that I might be able to talk hubby into visiting with me, than calling in though. Thanks.
I think this forum truly has nothing to offer you. The purpose of this forum is to help people learn how to use Marriage Builders concepts to save their marriage. Your local psychologist will most likely not know anything about Marriage Builders and will hold many unfounded beliefs that disagree with it.
You had probably best go seek what you want elsewhere.
Again, I've tried getting him to see a doctor AND a psychologist. I have tried and tried.
Dr. Harley can help you with that. You probably can't get your husband to talk to a psychologist, but you probably CAN get a plan from Dr. Harley that will help your marriage.
Former MB success story.
Now I'm just ... defeated.
I had an emotional affair.
Started out as friendly chat messages that turned flirty, that turned into something near cyber/sexting I guess. Felt guilty and told my husband. Ended it.
Pretty much went downhill from there. Couldn't stop thinking about the way I felt when someone else wanted me.
I am still friends with the other person. Husband knows I am friends with him but doesn't know he is the one I had the (one-sided) EA with.
Hating life.
Not expecting sympathy here. Just saying ... I wasn't looking for it. I knew hubby and I had problems and I was trying to work on them but that was also a one-sided battle. This came at me out of nowhere. :l
You're not a happy camper.
Your thread title:Stop debating 'rules' and begin asking about PLANS to make your marriage better.
Have you read any of the MB books?
Not this website, the MB BOOKS?
Do you want our help?
Or do you want to be left alone to feel ....
"defeated"
"guilty"
"downhill"
"hating life"and, finally
"idiot"Stop debating.
Start studying.
I'm not saying I don't agree that there could be a medical problem but I don't understand why would your H not want to get help for it when you describe him as a confident, loving caring H? You told him about the urges and needs you have yet if it was just a medical issue surely there would have been little reluctance on his part to sort it.
I have a feeling it's more than that and I am concerned that you dont seam to be open to the possibility of how porn can adversely affect relationships.
I was just like you 3 years ago, I didn't mind my H watching it and believed I was a good wife because I was open and not nagging him about it ( and he wasnt an addict or anything just occasional porn viewer).
Then I had to learn the hard way to make the connection between his behaviour and his porn viewing. And it did affect our Marriage. Now I take having a boundary over an open mind any day but I had to learn that lesson the hard way.
Do you suppose that some people might have reasons for some of the rules they live by? Or are all rules just "bad," automatically?
Do you think that people who live in great marriages might have some rules they live by that cause their lifestyle to result in a great marriage?
I'm trying to figure out what I ever said that made you think I oppose all rules.
I'm just saying personally, we are probably not the "average" when it comes to what most may consider normal or regular household marriage rules. For instance, if he was invited to a bachelor party at a strip club, I would not mind him going. He actually did, just a few months ago. He texted me, bored. I was with the bachelorette party at a bar, and got a girl to send him a topless photo of herself, which he replied looked better than any of the employees at the establishment he was visiting. We laugh at that kind of stuff.
We've never had trust issues. That is why the sexting caught me off guard. I haven't had the urge to do something like that before this. I'm completely in the wrong for it. I don't want it to happen again.
[quote=NB28]Are you seriously saying that you DON'T see a connection between you watching porn and thinking about sex all the time?
And you DON'T see the connection between your husband watching porn and loosing interest in being intimate with you?
Seriously take 10 seconds to thing about it, the connection should hit home soon......
Anything???
Then wouldn't common sense dictate that you stay away from other men and avoid behaving like an alley cat in heat? You lash out at people for being "judgmental" but it is clear you have no judgment at all.
You don't even have the common sense to comprehend that when a man comes onto a married woman it is an indicator he views her as cheap and easy. It is not flattering, it is insulting. But you don't understand that.
What you call "rules," the est of us consider the simple act of showing love and respect toward our spouses.
If he has a problem with his friends flirting with me, or me flirting with his friends, or with my female friends (in fun) then he has a responsibility of telling me that.
So, he's got "rules" on what he has to tell you, and you have "rules" on what information you get to withhold from him if you deem it's in his best interest.
Your husband may very well have a physical problem, but it's just as likely he finds you sexually unattractive or uninteresting because you are overbearing, controlling, and manipulative.
I doubt very seriously your husband shares the rosy picture of your marriage that you claim he does. Matter of fact, put into the context of your entire posting sequence, this comes across as very controlling and manipulative of you to state with such certainty how HE feels about your marriage -- when he is seemingly uninterested in SF with you . . .
I think this forum truly has nothing to offer you. The purpose of this forum is to help people learn how to use Marriage Builders concepts to save their marriage. Your local psychologist will most likely not know anything about Marriage Builders and will hold many unfounded beliefs that disagree with it.
You had probably best go seek what you want elsewhere.
I have tried to read it all, but it has been a touch overwhelming, and yes, has set me a bit on the defensive.
Probably best indeed.
mfal, I repeat my suggestion that you need more help than this forum can offer alone, and I encourage you to take advantage of the opportunity to talk to Dr. Harley for free.
I could not agree more.
There is something else going on.
I have a pretty good idea what it might be.
This is not the correct venue for dealing with such issues.
I think we are thinking the same thing...
And everyone cheerfully skipped over the part where I mentioned that he flirts too. My girlfriends flirt with him. His female friends flirt with him. I don't have a problem with it because I know he's attractive and I know he's mine.
Seriously?
About 2 hours ago, this was posted by a member by the name of Neak.
If your M is to truly succeed, your BH will need to stop flirting as well, and tighten up his own boundaries around women. That should be at the very, very bottom of your worry list right now.
You clean up your own side of the street. It's the only side you can control. Right now it's just as messy as if you'd had a PA. You need all the same steps as if it was a PA.
Don't kid yourself. This is way more than "dirty fantasies". You can make it through this, as long as you take the steps to heal. Radical Honesty, No Contact, Extraordinary Precautions.
No worries - even though you didn't read it, someone will that will benefit from it.
Amazingly enough, right now we are more worried about your victim's life-threatening injury than the unhealthy behaviors he will someday need to change.
Seriously?
About 2 hours ago, this was posted by a member by the name of Neak.
If your M is to truly succeed, your BH will need to stop flirting as well, and tighten up his own boundaries around women. That should be at the very, very bottom of your worry list right now.
Sorry, I did see that, but I was referring to everyone that was saying that *my* flirting was the big problem in him not wanting me.
Maybe when I say "flirting" some of you picture "alley cat in heat" but it's not like that. It's fun, playful, silly, not serious and not physical. His friends hug me, pick me up off the ground. One of my girlfriends might grab me and call me sexy... pretty much everything I was told about men is that they'd not hate that.
I came here feeling guilty and looking for hope. I admittedly felt defensive after not many posts. I am frustrated but not angry at any of you.
It's hard to explain everything that's happened to us in the past year in a few posts. There is more to it, of course. But I think this is played out.
Mfal,
People on this forum give advice based on what information you provide but also based on their own painful experiences as well as their marriage triumphs.
The end goal is the same they ALL want you to have a happy and healthy marriage.
There are many things that they spot without the need for you to actually go into details of specific past behaviours, they can figure out what happened and what will happen because they have a great deal of experience in helping people be in a happy marriage.
What matters is how you are behaving right now and unfortunately there are so so many red flags in your marriage at the moment.
For example I can understand how flirting can be fun but this playful feeling might give you 10-20 seconds of fun and have subconscious side effects that aren't good and will lead to harm. So 10 seconds of fun can eventually ruin a lifetime of good marriage. You can't see this because you haven't been been extreamly burned clearly enough by it but then You don't need to touch a fire in order to realise it will harm you. Being cautios is much better than getting burned and this is what people on here mean by having boundaries.
Your boundaries are not good and your here today seeking help as a result of that. So please take time to consider that if you don't agree then I wish you luck. If you do agree I hope that you will find the strength to make the changes.
I haven't had the urge to do something like that before this. I'm completely in the wrong for it. I don't want it to happen again.
Maybe if your husband knew the name of the OM, you'd feel less inclined for it to happen again. Of course, for him to actually have that information would mean that he would have some say in his marriage which may offer you further incentive to never let it happen again.
Something's bugging me...is this OM related to either you or your husband? And that's "related" in the loosest sense of the word so that no loopholes are open. It includes step/half siblings, cousins, etc.
The truth, mfal, is that your husband probably senses more about you than you think. If perfect strangers on the internet can get a feeling for you, then someone living with you can probably sense much more so.
I know what's missing. And I want it back.
Your husband probably knows what is missing, too. But he might not want it back.
Thank you NB28.
I feel a little bit like I'm being told to change everything about myself, and stop seeing everyone in my closest friend groups, and then maybe it's possible to save my marriage.
I know his depression is a huge issue that I can't fix, and I know it's not all due to me. I know the other serious factors involved that have nothing to do with me. Feeling a little beaten down by the accusations that my actions, though nothing new, are the cause of our latest problems.
Just want my husband back.
[
Maybe when I say "flirting" some of you picture "alley cat in heat" but it's not like that. It's fun, playful, silly, not serious and not physical. His friends hug me, pick me up off the ground. One of my girlfriends might grab me and call me sexy... pretty much everything I was told about men is that they'd not hate that.
Having an affair and sexting with other men is not "fun, playful, silly and not serious." It is despicable behavior for a married woman. Affairs are very serious and this is part of the loose, promiscuous behavior that would define an alley cat in heat. You have very poor boundaries around men and that is why you find yourself in another affair.
You know your behavior is shameful, which is why you have lied about it to your husband. He doesn't know about your affair or who it is with.
There is nothing we can tell you that can overcome your dishonesty and your loose boundaries. You are just a walking affair who openly and flagrantly courts other men. Your behavior is destructive to marriages.
I feel a little bit like I'm being told to change everything about myself, and stop seeing everyone in my closest friend groups, and then maybe it's possible to save my marriage.
Give us a break with the "woe is me" game. We're telling you to stop cheating on your husband and be honest with him.
I know his depression is a huge issue that I can't fix, and I know it's not all due to me. I know the other serious factors involved that have nothing to do with me. Feeling a little beaten down by the accusations that my actions, though nothing new, are the cause of our latest problems.
Ok, I get it.
This what you want to hear:
mfal, this is all your husband's fault and you bear no responsibility in any of this. Feel better now? No? That didn't fix it? Well, then, I guess you do have some cleanup to do on your side of the street.
Just want my husband back.
Then start acting like it and be honest for once.
I feel a little bit like I'm being told to change everything about myself, and stop seeing everyone in my closest friend groups, and then maybe it's possible to save my marriage.
EXACTLY. You must make major changes in order to have a good marriage. Your behavior is the most serious problem in your marriage. Blaming your husband will not solve your marriage problems.
Dishonesty, adultery, blameshifting, inappropriate boundaries around men are all DESTRUCTIVE behaviors in marriage. You are on your second affair - that we know of - yet you have learned nothing. You continue to blame your spouse for your own despicable behavior.
Do you ever learn from your mistakes? EVER?
Having an affair and sexting with other men is not "fun, playful, silly and not serious." It is despicable behavior for a married woman. Affairs are very serious and this is part of the loose, promiscuous behavior that would define an alley cat in heat. You have very poor boundaries around men and that is why you find yourself in another affair.
You know your behavior is shameful, which is why you have lied about it to your husband. He doesn't know about your affair or who it is with.
There is nothing we can tell you that can overcome your dishonesty and your loose boundaries. You are just a walking affair who openly and flagrantly courts other men. Your behavior is destructive to marriages.
mfal, you came here looking for help. The crux of your problem just can't be put any more simply or succinctly than what ML posted here.
Of course you have to change if you want your marriage to change. Isn't that obvious?
Flirting is not the same thing as having an affair. Flirting is flirting. Being playful and friendly. Being myself. It's not lap dances, for crying out loud.
He doesn't know about your affair or who it is with.
Half true, half false.
You are just a walking affair who openly and flagrantly courts other men.
This is your opinion and all you will ever see me as. Doesn't make it true.
Do you have anything constructive to add? No one else has been half as eager to make me feel worse. I'm here because I know there is a problem.
Since then, I have been alone with this person, and nothing happened. I don't worry about anything happening in the future. I am comfortable being alone with him; there is no talk of those old messages.
You should feel uncomfortable when around him, this is a red flag that things might get more and more comfortable as you spend more time around each other. Stop contact.
Flirting is not the same thing as having an affair. Flirting is flirting. Being playful and friendly. Being myself. It's not lap dances, for crying out loud.
Would you rather be right, or happy?
I have never seen anything good out of these discussions where someone comes looking for help and then spends all their time trying to convince other posters of something. If you have a differing view, what's it to you if others think otherwise? Why the deep need to convince them to see things your way?
Would you rather be right, or happy?
I feel like no one cares to read what I am actually saying, just how it makes them feel.
1. I'm not still in an affair.
(I'm sure everyone says that. Don't see how it's possible, since that ended last April, but okay. My foggy opinion is that I'm not still in an affair. He doesn't want me. I don't want him.)
2. I'm not blaming my husband. I'm looking for HELP.
3. The sexting was a huge mistake. I can't take it back.
4. It makes no sense for me to become someone else. Then I'm just lying to myself for the rest of my life.
I tried to become what my ex wanted. I was miserable. It was never good enough. When that ended, I made the choice to just be me. My husband fell in love with ME being ME.
We are closer since I disclosed the sexting, but his lack of a sex drive is still an issue. I didn't change. He did. I'm not blaming. I just want him to be himself again.
I'm here because I know there is a problem.
And what are you going to do about it?
Would you rather be right, or happy?
I want my husband to be happy. I want him to not be on a dozen meds that kill his sex drive. I want him to find a different doctor that doesn't prescribe a new pill every single time he goes in, and actually finds out what's going on with him instead.
I want him to be happy.
Do you have anything constructive to add? No one else has been half as eager to make me feel worse.
Knock it off, mfal. MelodyLane isn't the reason that you feel worse.
You are feeling worse because no one here is validating your reasons for not telling your husband the truth about your affair.
I'm here because I know there is a problem.
But if you don't want to do anything to change, then why are you here?
Would you rather be right, or happy?
I want my husband to be happy. I want him to not be on a dozen meds that kill his sex drive. I want him to find a different doctor that doesn't prescribe a new pill every single time he goes in, and actually finds out what's going on with him instead.
I want him to be happy.
Those are all perfectly valid reasons for why he has a low sex drive, but let's not gloss over the elephant in the room here.
So when are you going to tell your husband who you cheated on him with?
Mfal
I'm just curious, how sure are you that your H is not bothered by you flirting?
Have you asked him lately if it has become a problem?
I just wonder because I fell in the mirroring trap many times and wonder if your there right now.
By mirroring trap I mean that when something doesent bother me I assume my H feels the same way about it as I do. That's mirroring how I feel onto H.
So your not bothered by your H flirting. But are you sure he isn't bothered by you flirting? Or just because he doesent actively voice his thoughts on the matter it means that he's ok with it?
From your description of him I don't get the sense that he likes tackling problems and rather sweep them under the carpet instead.
I really think that the first step to help your marriage has to be radical honesty, you will need to tell him exactly what's been going on and he needs to feel safe enough to open up to you about how he sees things.
Flirting is not the same thing as having an affair.
Yes it is.
flirting (Verb)
Verb:
Behave as though attracted to or trying to attract someone, but without serious intentions: "it amused him to flirt with her".
Experiment with or show a superficial interest in (an idea, activity, or movement) without committing oneself to it seriously.
I feel like no one cares to read what I am actually saying, just how it makes them feel.
I have tried to read every word you've posted. I have tried to offer helpful suggestions. So far I don't think you've liked any suggestions that anyone has had for you, and I think you've been trying to make people feel bad for offering suggestions that you don't like.
We are closer since I disclosed the sexting, but his lack of a sex drive is still an issue. I didn't change. He did. I'm not blaming. I just want him to be himself again.
Please call Dr. Harley, who has solved this problem hundreds of times in his forty-year career. It's free. He can give you a plan, and let you know if, in his professional opinion, further in-person counseling is needed:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4200_radio.html
Not a vet here but just wanted to ask, how is it harmless flirting and fun to have your friend send a topless pic to your dh? Are you guys swingers? Your definitions of things are very far off from those of mainstream society, IMO.
From your description of him I don't get the sense that he likes tackling problems and rather sweep them under the carpet instead.
This is very true, he is generally a conflict avoider, as am I ... but it is also usually really evident when something is bothering him.
We are going to have to talk tonight. Again. :l
Last time: your refusal to acknowledge the identity of your affair partner is cruel. It shows a complete disregard for your husband. Whether or not he talks to you about it, it hurts him terribly that you withhold this information from him.
He probably knows who it is anyway and lives daily with the knowledge that you put the protection of OM, yourself, and all these "other parties" that could be "hurt" by disclosure, above his protection.
Your behavior toward him is demeaning. You don't get it.
Good luck. You need it.
Not a vet here but just wanted to ask, how is harmless flirting and fun to have your friend send a topless pic to you dh? Are you guys swingers? Your definitions of things are very far off from those of mainstream society, IMO.
No, we are definitely not swingers. I've seen some of the pictures that his guy friends send him on his phone. Lots and lots of boobs. Some gross stuff. Whatever. I tell people who have sent that to me to not send it because my kids sometimes get on my phone.
The girl with the topless pic, was not an acquaintance, but was showing it off at the bar. I just suggested she should send it to the bachelor party guys. It was non-threatening to me, because I trust him. :l
Sorry, but that just sounds crazy to me. No way do I want my hubby, especially one who isn't having sex with me enough, looking at the boobs of random women. That would hurt me even more.
Last time: your refusal to acknowledge the identity of your affair partner is cruel. It shows a complete disregard for your husband. Whether or not he talks to you about it, it hurts him terribly that you withhold this information from him.
I respect your opinion, and I'm sure you're right, but it is not the OP that I'm concerned with protecting. Like I said, I made a mistake. I would rather make up a fictional person than harm those this would harm. I would never forgive myself for that. My husband may one day forgive me for the sexting. That's minor compared to the other. I screwed up in a big way. Nothing illegal, but potentially damaging nonetheless.
This is what I hear you saying:
I want everything to stay the same, but be different.
The sexting and the problems having the same starting point is just a coincidence.
Get real.
From your description of him I don't get the sense that he likes tackling problems and rather sweep them under the carpet instead.
This is very true, he is generally a conflict avoider, as am I ... but it is also usually really evident when something is bothering him.
We are going to have to talk tonight. Again. :l
He needs to be able to feel safe enough with you to let you know that something is bothering him.
Maybe the fun flirty out of the box relationship that led to you two getting married is no longer what he wants. Maybe he wants a more connected intimate relationship with you where you only play and flirt with each other rather than with others ( because when it's something exclusive between just the two of you it becomes something special and intimate).
I am just guessing here. That's why i really encourage you to be TOTALLY honest with him tonight. Maybe your honesty will help him open up in return and be honest with you back.
I really believe in the principals of this site and the people who try their hardest to help others on here. But I can't see you agreeing with much until you hear it directly from your H. You want to be true to who you have become after overcoming various difficulties and I understand that. However I wish that you can accept that you can grow even more and be even more happy and fulfilled should you want to take the steps to change and create some boundaries to protect yourself from harm.
Start with honesty with your H tonight and you will see how much more respect and help you will get on here.
This is what I hear you saying:
I want everything to stay the same, but be different.
The sexting and the problems having the same starting point is just a coincidence.
Get real.
But they didn't have the same starting point. The sex drive has been an issue for well more than a year. Closer to three. Depression is a major factor. That kicked in hard with loss of employment. With untreatable medical conditions. Like I said, there's a lot more to this.
Maybe the fun flirty out of the box relationship that led to you two getting married is no longer what he wants. Maybe he wants a more connected intimate relationship with you where you only play and flirt with each other rather than with others ( because when it's something exclusive between just the two of you it becomes something special and intimate).
I am just guessing here. That's why i really encourage you to be TOTALLY honest with him tonight. Maybe your honesty will help him open up in return and be honest with you back.
Not much to say, other than let you know I read this and taking it seriously.
This is really getting tedious.
When you know what you really want, let us know.
Every once in a while we get a WW on here with a cockamamie story looking for approval for whatever sordid thing she's done.
Simple process here:
1) Stop posting here until you;ve completed all the steps.
2) Tell you husband what you've been up
3) Beg his forgivness while proclaiming the precautions you are putting in place to make it not happen again.
4) Plead to him that he tells you what HE WANTS
5) Request that he allow you make your marriage normal (whatever that is)
All this is laid nicely and more eloquently in SAA and the rest of the books available here.
If hitting on other men and living an alternate lifestyle to what most consider normal marrage is what you want, then do yourself a favor (and us as well) seek another website for whatever it is that troubles you.
You've come to the wrong place.
His friends hug me, pick me up off the ground.
I would probably punch any "friend" who hugged my wife and picked her off the ground.
Hands off my wife. Shes mine.
Would you rather be right, or happy?
I want my husband to be happy. I want him to not be on a dozen meds that kill his sex drive. I want him to find a different doctor that doesn't prescribe a new pill every single time he goes in, and actually finds out what's going on with him instead.
I want him to be happy.
Those are all perfectly valid reasons for why he has a low sex drive, but let's not gloss over the elephant in the room here.
So when are you going to tell your husband who you cheated on him with?
mfal-
You sure don't like answering questions about tough subjects do you?
Tell you what, when you decide to "man up" and face the consequences of your actions by honestly answering the tough questions, then you'll be a step closer to turning this mess around.
Until then, well, you'll still be in the same place flailing your arms around trying not to drown.
Even as a WW, I'm shaking my head at this one....
Are you kidding ? Are you in college ?
CUT IT OUT. This kind of behavior isn't fitting for anyone, especially a wife and mother. Gadzooks.
I feel like no one cares to read what I am actually saying, just how it makes them feel.
I believe most have read very well what you are sharing. You are soooo much the addict that you cant take the first step to braking your addiction- admitting your problem.
1. I'm not still in an affair.
Again, you are an addict. You won't or can't acknowledge your problem. You continue to see OM and believe this does not keep the flame burning. The non addicted world KNOWS that this is not true. Only an addict could not acknowledge this. Further, the fact that you resist all advice to remove this OM from your life through NC reinforces that you are an addict. Seriously, read a little about addiction and compare what you learn to your posts here.
(I'm sure everyone says that. Don't see how it's possible, since that ended last April, but okay. My foggy opinion is that I'm not still in an affair. He doesn't want me. I don't want him.)
2. I'm not blaming my husband. I'm looking for HELP.
Most addicts are "play the victim card" when confronted with their behavior. Deep down they know their behavior is unacceptable and dangerous. Most all try to "save face" and that is what you are trying to do here. It's not working. You ARE blaming your husband. Look back on all your posts. I didn't count (I can if I have to) but I think well over half blame your husband. Guess what, even if he never gave you SF, it had no bearing on your choice to have an affair, and CONTINUE to have an affair.
3. The sexting was a huge mistake. I can't take it back.
This is the only rationale thing you have listed here. It is true, you can't take it back. What you can do is take the advice of the many good people here to come clean and begin to repair your marriage.
4. It makes no sense for me to become someone else. Then I'm just lying to myself for the rest of my life.
This is the single item that prompted me to post - I don't post often. You are at a decision point. Either you come clean, stop manipulating and controlling your BH by withholding info about your affair, or get a D. You seem to want it all - an affair, keeping the affair partner in your life to ignite the flame whenever you wnat (it will happen), and to keep all the good qualities and lifestyle your BH provides. This is SELFISH, CONTROLLING, and MANIPULATIVE and so, so, ENTITLED. You addiction is again crystal clear here. You are the "victim" and are despondent at how you will have to "lie to yourself" the rest of your life. Please...spare us.
I tried to become what my ex wanted. I was miserable. It was never good enough. When that ended, I made the choice to just be me. My husband fell in love with ME being ME. No husband wants to be a cuckold. Your addiction is still crystal clear. You are so fogged out that you actually believe your BH would be OK with knowing the OM has been walking around knowing he can seduce you any time he wants. In most husbands minds this is a direct challenge to them. There is no way a husband would want to be handicapped by his wife and be put in this situation
We are closer since I disclosed the sexting, but his lack of a sex drive is still an issue. I didn't change. He did. I'm not blaming. I just want him to be himself again.
Mfal, until you get honest with your husband and stop blaming others for your shabby behavior, recovery of your marriage is impossible. Your dishonesty and destructive behavior is the biggest problem in your marriage. All the need meetin' in Gods green earth will not compensate for your dishonest and inappropriate boundaries around men.
Your husband has to be told you have had an affair so he can protect himself from you and the OM. The fact that you still speak to this loser boy means the affair is still on. And you will remain in the fog until all contact ends.
No one here is going to support you in dishonesty and inappropriate married behavior. So you had better get used to that. It appears you learned NOTHING in your past on this forum but I am hoping you are not unteachable. So far it does look that way.
Mfal,
He did ask who. I did not want to say. Months later, he asked if it was OP, and I denied it. Why? Because it would hurt many, many people for that detail to come out, and I'm unwilling to hurt those people for MY MISTAKE.
Your H already knows and is waiting for you to come clean on your own, and you directly lied to your H, that's not a MISTAKE, but a calculated deception.
This is also OMs mistake, he played a part, and will continue to play a part if he has ANY contact with your H, I really hope your H does not goes fishing or golfing with this OM, or has any regular contact with him.
You are not an IDIOT but a LIAR, by calling yourself an idiot you are attempting to remove blame from OM, in a sense you are still protecting OM.
God Bless
Gamma
She's flirting to get her husbands attention.
And I agree that it sounds as if her husband is clinically depressed.
He's definitely depressed. Again, I've tried getting him to see a doctor AND a psychologist. I have tried and tried.
And everyone cheerfully skipped over the part where I mentioned that he flirts too. My girlfriends flirt with him. His female friends flirt with him. I don't have a problem with it because I know he's attractive and I know he's mine.
If he has a problem with his friends flirting with me, or me flirting with his friends, or with my female friends (in fun) then he has a responsibility of telling me that. Because in ten years, he hasn't.
Why do you feel the need to flirt with other men?
BTW, if your husband comes on here, I will ask him why he feels the need to flirt with other women.
Last time: your refusal to acknowledge the identity of your affair partner is cruel. It shows a complete disregard for your husband. Whether or not he talks to you about it, it hurts him terribly that you withhold this information from him.
I respect your opinion, and I'm sure you're right, but it is not the OP that I'm concerned with protecting. Like I said, I made a mistake. I would rather make up a fictional person than harm those this would harm. I would never forgive myself for that. My husband may one day forgive me for the sexting. That's minor compared to the other. I screwed up in a big way. Nothing illegal, but potentially damaging nonetheless.
When you choose the behavior, you choose the consequences.
Time to put the big girl panties on and face facts. You don't want you husband to know who the OM is and go NC is:
You wouldn't get to see OM again
You wouldn't be able to flirt with him again
You would actually be exposed to your friends as someone different than you project
You would have to admit to your husband you are a liar.
You keep making it all about you, it ain't!!
I don't know HOW you can help, honestly. I can't figure out how to stop having lustful thoughts, memories of tempting things said.
By stopping contact.
This person is not just my friend and a friend of friends, but a friend of family and isn't just going away. It's up to ME to make the memories go away and I don't know how.
You make them go away through exposure of your adultery...
These texts were from almost a year ago now. I know I'm in the wrong for responding, back then, but when I felt very unwanted, was vulnerable, and someone came at me unexpectedly with very attractive offers of attention, I became addicted to the feeling. It was an intoxicating fantasy. But I felt so guilty about the thoughts, I had to end it and tell my husband. Had to. :l
Since then, I have been alone with this person, and nothing happened. I don't worry about anything happening in the future. I am comfortable being alone with him; there is no talk of those old messages. That said, I don't make it a habit to be alone with him... there are usually lots of other mutual friends around.
you're playing with fire. Just being around him is a trigger.
For him I think it was just a "for kicks" thing. We have talked many times about different women he likes. He is charming and outgoing and has lots of female company; I was just a brief blip on his radar. It had more of an effect on ME than I ever imagined it would.
I'm not worried about future involvement, only about refocusing on my husband, who I love very much and who has just become more detached since I came clean with my admission that I'd had these sexual conversations. Thought I was doing the right thing there, being honest, but it sure hasn't helped our sex life. For years I have come at the problem from all angles. His drive is simply ... faint.
probably because you are fantasizing and he recognizes this on some level. Spouses know when their spouse is detached in the bedroom, no matter how much they want sex. Truthfully, you are lucky to have a marriage at all after this. He certainly has grounds for divorce.
cv
Sorry for the sarcasm, but its a touchy subject. I am attractive, fit and sexy. I never "let myself go" or nag. I am a damn good wife. I meet HIS needs. To heck with mine, eh?
Sorry, a "damn good wife" doesn't cheat. She stays faithful.
Last time: your refusal to acknowledge the identity of your affair partner is cruel. It shows a complete disregard for your husband. Whether or not he talks to you about it, it hurts him terribly that you withhold this information from him.
I respect your opinion, and I'm sure you're right, but it is not the OP that I'm concerned with protecting. Like I said, I made a mistake. I would rather make up a fictional person than harm those this would harm. I would never forgive myself for that. My husband may one day forgive me for the sexting. That's minor compared to the other. I screwed up in a big way. Nothing illegal, but potentially damaging nonetheless.
this OM knew you were married and he is complicit in this. He was your affair partner. Not a nice guy.
Others need to know about this guy so they can protect their spouses.
CV
^^^^^^^^^^^THIS!!!^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
ETA: Well, this was meant to be for celtic's previous post, but this will suffice
Do you have anything constructive to add? No one else has been half as eager to make me feel worse. This is your opinion and all you will ever see me as. Doesn't make it true.
The truth is very constructive. Just because you don't like it doesn't mean it isn't contructive, it just means you are being dishonest with your self and are very uneasy with the truth. You don't like truth, for obvious reasons. You have ALOT to fear when it comes to truth. We are not one of your little "friends" who try to make you feel good about being bad. Its not our opinion that you are a suspectible to an affair, it is a fact. TWO affairs. We see you as you are. Keep in mind you are the LEAST objective person on this thread.
The problem for you is that you are on the wrong forum if you are here seeking validation to decieve your husband. No decent person will support you in being a liar. This is the wrong website for lying wayward wives.
People here want to help you do the right thing. But we won't help you be a liar and a cheat.
Ever read this by Dr Harley?
Should an affair be revealed?
I have been letting you in on some clues to infidelity when a spouse is unwilling to be truthful. But there are a few, of course, who are honest enough to tell their spouses about an affair without being confronted. Guilt sometimes sets in right after the first sexual encounter, and it continues to build as one lie is added to another. Depression follows guilt and it's not unusual for a wayward spouse to even consider suicide as a way to escape the nightmare he or she has created. As an act of desperation, honesty is sometimes seized as a last resort, often in an effort to relieve the feelings of guilt.
From my perspective, honesty is part of the solution to infidelity, and so I'll take honesty for whatever reason, even if it's to relieve a feeling of guilt and depression. The revelation of an affair is very hard on an unsuspecting spouse, of course, but at the same time, it's the first step toward marital reconciliation.
Most unfaithful spouses know that their affair is one of the most heartless acts they could ever inflict on their spouse. So one of their reasons to be dishonest is to protect their spouse from emotional pain. "Why add insult to injury," they reason. "What I did was wrong, but why put my spouse through needless pain by revealing this thoughtless act?" As is the case with bank robbers and murderers, unfaithful spouses don't think they will ever be discovered, and so they don't expect their unfaithfulness to hurt their spouse.
But I am one of the very few that advocate the revelation of affairs at all costs, even when the wayward spouse has no feelings of guilt or depression to overcome. I believe that honesty is so essential to the success of marriage, that hiding past infidelity makes a marriage dishonest, preventing emotional closeness and intimacy.
It isn't honesty that causes the pain, it's the affair. Honesty is simply revealing truth to the victim. Those who advocate dishonesty regarding infidelity assume that the truth will cause such irreparable harm, that it's in the best interest of a victimized spouse to go through life with the illusion of fidelity.
It's patronizing to think that a spouse cannot bear to hear the truth. Anyone who assumes that their spouse cannot handle truth is being incredibly disrespectful, manipulative and in the final analysis, dangerous. How little you must think of your spouse when you try to protect him or her from the truth.
It's not only patronizing, but it's also false to assume that your spouse cannot bear to hear the truth. Illusions do not make us happy, they cause us to wander through life, bumping into barriers that are invisible to us because of the illusion that is created. Truth, on the other hand, reveals those barriers, and sheds light on them so that we can see well enough to overcome them. The unsuspecting spouse of an unfaithful husband or wife wonders why their marriage is not more fulfilling and more intimate. Knowledge of an affair would make it clear why all efforts have failed.
After revealing an affair, your spouse will no longer trust you. But lack of trust does not ruin a marriage, it's the lack of care and protection that ruins marriages. Your spouse should not trust you, and the sooner your spouse realizes it, the better.
The fact that this guy would have anything to do with you (a married woman) doesn't make him a great guy.
It means he thinks you are cheap and easy.
Last time: your refusal to acknowledge the identity of your affair partner is cruel. It shows a complete disregard for your husband. Whether or not he talks to you about it, it hurts him terribly that you withhold this information from him.
I respect your opinion, and I'm sure you're right, but it is not the OP that I'm concerned with protecting. Like I said, I made a mistake. I would rather make up a fictional person than harm those this would harm. I would never forgive myself for that. My husband may one day forgive me for the sexting. That's minor compared to the other. I screwed up in a big way. Nothing illegal, but potentially damaging nonetheless.
Just. Wow!
"I'm sure you're right that every day I force my husband to live with my lies it hurts him terribly, and I'm okay with that! My self-preservation and preservation of the status quo with OM, and protecting him from the fall-out of our affair is much more important than protecting my husband. Gosh, if I could just figure out why hubby's so depressed and doesn't see me as a desirable woman. I'm so confused!"
This poster is a troll. She cannot possibly be serious.
How did the talk with your H go last night?
How did the talk with your H go last night?
Did not cover enough ground to make anyone here happy. I asked if my behavior made him feel like less of a man and was that why he didn't want me? He said no. I asked if there was anything I could do, like not going out with friends as often, that would help him to want me more? He said no, that he feels bad that he doesn't want to go out as often, but that it is all him, the unknown/untreated medical issues, the drugs he's on for other issues, etc. He has met and gets along with the girlfriends I hang with, and their husbands. It is a good group of people. He knows when I am with them, I am staying out of trouble. Avoiding single/divorcing friends, male friends, and of course the OP.
DH was sore and tired last night (like always) and so we didn't talk long, just snuggled and talked about how bad we need to get away, get out of town, have uninterrupted time without the kids, find something to do together, since we just haven't been getting the face-to-face time we need. We have a weekly movie date, but sitting next to each other facing the screen isn't bonding. When we go out to eat, the kids are usually right there, bickering. Working on that. I admitted feeling detached from him. We have both gone and done our own things all along, but the stuff we used to do together, we haven't been. Working on that too.
You covered everything EXCEPT the truth. You are still LYING to your husband.
You are wasting valuable board time that could be spent on people who are serious about saving their marriages.
You are on the wrong board, Madam, if your goal is to continue to lie and decieve your husband.
This is not a support board for unrepentant waywards.
Do you have anything constructive to add? No one else has been half as eager to make me feel worse. This is your opinion and all you will ever see me as. Doesn't make it true.
The truth is very constructive. Just because you don't like it doesn't mean it isn't contructive, it just means you are being dishonest with your self and are very uneasy with the truth. You don't like truth, for obvious reasons. You have ALOT to fear when it comes to truth. We are not one of your little "friends" who try to make you feel good about being bad. Its not our opinion that you are a suspectible to an affair, it is a fact. TWO affairs. We see you as you are. Keep in mind you are the LEAST objective person on this thread.
The problem for you is that you are on the wrong forum if you are here seeking validation to decieve your husband. No decent person will support you in being a liar. This is the wrong website for lying wayward wives.
People here want to help you do the right thing. But we won't help you be a liar and a cheat.
Ever read this by Dr Harley?
Should an affair be revealed?
I have been letting you in on some clues to infidelity when a spouse is unwilling to be truthful. But there are a few, of course, who are honest enough to tell their spouses about an affair without being confronted. Guilt sometimes sets in right after the first sexual encounter, and it continues to build as one lie is added to another. Depression follows guilt and it's not unusual for a wayward spouse to even consider suicide as a way to escape the nightmare he or she has created. As an act of desperation, honesty is sometimes seized as a last resort, often in an effort to relieve the feelings of guilt.
From my perspective, honesty is part of the solution to infidelity, and so I'll take honesty for whatever reason, even if it's to relieve a feeling of guilt and depression. The revelation of an affair is very hard on an unsuspecting spouse, of course, but at the same time, it's the first step toward marital reconciliation.
Most unfaithful spouses know that their affair is one of the most heartless acts they could ever inflict on their spouse. So one of their reasons to be dishonest is to protect their spouse from emotional pain. "Why add insult to injury," they reason. "What I did was wrong, but why put my spouse through needless pain by revealing this thoughtless act?" As is the case with bank robbers and murderers, unfaithful spouses don't think they will ever be discovered, and so they don't expect their unfaithfulness to hurt their spouse.
But I am one of the very few that advocate the revelation of affairs at all costs, even when the wayward spouse has no feelings of guilt or depression to overcome. I believe that honesty is so essential to the success of marriage, that hiding past infidelity makes a marriage dishonest, preventing emotional closeness and intimacy.
It isn't honesty that causes the pain, it's the affair. Honesty is simply revealing truth to the victim. Those who advocate dishonesty regarding infidelity assume that the truth will cause such irreparable harm, that it's in the best interest of a victimized spouse to go through life with the illusion of fidelity.
It's patronizing to think that a spouse cannot bear to hear the truth. Anyone who assumes that their spouse cannot handle truth is being incredibly disrespectful, manipulative and in the final analysis, dangerous. How little you must think of your spouse when you try to protect him or her from the truth.
It's not only patronizing, but it's also false to assume that your spouse cannot bear to hear the truth. Illusions do not make us happy, they cause us to wander through life, bumping into barriers that are invisible to us because of the illusion that is created. Truth, on the other hand, reveals those barriers, and sheds light on them so that we can see well enough to overcome them. The unsuspecting spouse of an unfaithful husband or wife wonders why their marriage is not more fulfilling and more intimate. Knowledge of an affair would make it clear why all efforts have failed.
After revealing an affair, your spouse will no longer trust you. But lack of trust does not ruin a marriage, it's the lack of care and protection that ruins marriages. Your spouse should not trust you, and the sooner your spouse realizes it, the better.
We have both gone and done our own things all along,
No wonder your marriage is falling apart.
I'm baffled. When you told your husband about the texts -- HE DIDN'T ASK YOU WHO IT WAS? What kind of guy doesn't want to know who is threatening his marriage? What kind of guy doesn't want to protect his wife?
A guy who got a watered-down, muddied version of the truth.
Something like "Honey, I did the nuttiest thing the other day -I was texting Joe Blow about a project at work. You remember Joe Blow - that really ugly, weird guy at work? And he made a comment that I turned into a sexual innuendo, so I texted one back to him. (insert pretty giggle here.) I felt so dumb after I did it! He never meant that at all, and I meant it as a joke, silly me."
I do understand that. I never expected sympathy. But I feel I would be in a better position to receive help if I had simply gone to the main forum and asked about how I could possibly get my husband to start recognizing and meeting my emotional need for SF.
There is no forum on this site where the members are so irresponsible that they would advise you without understanding your whole situation.
Radical honesty has burned me many, many times. I have felt nothing but regret for telling him about the texts. It hurt more than it helped. But it had to be done.
Giving him your watered-down version of what really happened isn't radical honesty; far from it. It is being disengenuous. You told him just enough to try to make yourself feel better. Now he is left with confusion and unanswered questions. And a wayward liar for a wife.
Somehow I think radical honesty would have treated you both better.
The sexting? Because it made me feel attractive. Something I was missing.
Huh. I've never considered sexting some man in order to feel 'attractive' to myself. Going to the salon and getting a trim and highlights would be more my speed.
OH! Wait a minute! Now I realize what you're
really saying and what your goal
really is. May I?
The sexting? Because it made me feel attractive to other men . Something I was missing.
And everyone cheerfully skipped over the part where I mentioned that he flirts too. My girlfriends flirt with him. His female friends flirt with him. I don't have a problem with it because I know he's attractive and I know he's mine.
We've already told you that flirting while married is dangerous. Flirting is a covert form of courtship. Why are you attempting to court someone while you're married??
No one has 'cheerfully' skipped that part. If your H was posting here, we would advise him the same way. Stop trying to divert the discussion from yourself.
If he has a problem with his friends flirting with me, or me flirting with his friends, or with my female friends (in fun) then he has a responsibility of telling me that. Because in ten years, he hasn't.
The sorry thing is that he has always believed (like you) that flirting is 'harmless'.
I don't have a problem with it because I know he's attractive and I know he's mine.
Now that you have learned from your own experience of infidelity by your sexting, are you still of the same belief that flirting is harmless?
Do you still believe that it is okay for your husband (who is not interested in you sexually, btw) to continue to flirt with your friends?
Final question on the flirting issue: Do either of you flirt with your family members? Do you flirt with your mother or sister? Does he flirt with his father or brother? I know your answer will be 'no'. So why do you suppose the two of you only flirt with unrelated members of the opposite sex? Can you begin to see why flirting while married is a dangerous form of courtship, when you look at it this way?
I would rather make up a fictional person than harm those this would harm accept the responsibility and consequences for what I've done.
There. I fixed that for you.
Y'all have fun editing my posts to say what you think they mean. No point in replying to those who have rewritten history to suit their arguments. I will only respond to those who seem to have an interest in recovery for my husband and for me. I've taken the first steps. I know it will be a long road.
Maybe he has cheated on me. That has crossed my mind many, many times, with the lack of interest issue. We had a couple of 'friends' that we are no longer friends with and do not see or talk to, that were telling us that the other was cheating. The wife would tell me DH was cheating, the husband would tell me DH was cheating, and they would both tell DH that I was. It got worse. They started telling friends of DH that I was cheating. I don't know what they told people about DH, just what I learned they were saying about me. We discovered what was happening, and ditched those people. But the thoughts they planted in our heads about the other won't go away.
If he was doing any of the things I was told he was, well, I would be upset, but I wouldn't want a divorce. He knows about the sexting and doesn't want a divorce. He wants to work it out, just like I do.
Do you know how hard it is to avoid someone who is on TV and radio? I can block phone numbers and email addresses, but I can't stop the face or voice from reaching me. That's why moving would be pointless. Anyway. Back to recovery.
We had a couple of 'friends' that we are no longer friends with and do not see or talk to, that were telling us that the other was cheating.
So, instead of following up on those red flags, you and your H just dumped the news-bearers?
Do you know how hard it is to avoid someone who is on TV and radio? I can block phone numbers and email addresses, but I can't stop the face or voice from reaching me. That's why moving would be pointless. Anyway. Back to recovery.
It's not hard to avoid someone on TV or radio. You don't go there. You don't watch the shows they're on. If it's someone who pops up during commercials, you don't watch TV. You rent movies or watch DVDs.
You don't listen to the stations they're on. If they're a popular singer, you don't listen to the radio. You listen to CDs instead.
Anyway. Back to recovery.
You can't get to recovery by skipping the NC step. I believe you've already been told that, but I'll repost that anyway. That's the first step in recovering the marriage.
Do you know how hard it is to avoid someone who is on TV and radio
Unless he is doing commercials..which I suspect he is..just don't watch or change the station.
You have got to be one of the most stubborn women I have seen on here...fine..that's your perogative.
However..it is not wise to come on here, ask for advice and give rebuttals to the ones you feel are not you or your situation..
You will never get anywhere if you only choose advice you like.
It is the advice that stings that usually helps the most.
This is your second time here..besides giving long winded posts of defense..try doing what is suggested.
I've never had a friend closer than my husband before we started to have these problems with SF. Talking to him about it seemed to fall on deaf ears. This friend is a mutual friend of ours, his friend before she became mine. There is always more to the story, and it would hurt other people more than it would help if this person's identity were discovered. I messed up, but I don't have to mess up a bunch of other people's lives just to try and salvage my marriage. I would honestly rather it ended than to hurt the people who would be hurt. No one wants that.
My mistake; my burden.
Umm, did everyone else miss this? She?
OM is really an OW and maybe that's why she doesn't want to expose?
GP, I think the 'she' mfal is referring to is a mutual female friend of hers and her husband's. The mutual friend is the one mfal confided the affair to, she's not the affair partner.
Maybe he has cheated on me. That has crossed my mind many, many times, with the lack of interest issue. We had a couple of 'friends' that we are no longer friends with and do not see or talk to, that were telling us that the other was cheating. The wife would tell me DH was cheating, the husband would tell me DH was cheating, and they would both tell DH that I was. It got worse. They started telling friends of DH that I was cheating. I don't know what they told people about DH, just what I learned they were saying about me. We discovered what was happening, and ditched those people. But the thoughts they planted in our heads about the other won't go away.
If he was doing any of the things I was told he was, well, I would be upset, but I wouldn't want a divorce. He knows about the sexting and doesn't want a divorce. He wants to work it out, just like I do.
Having gone through this on my end, I can honestly say if you were to ever find out, you may change your mind. I swore before I found out if I ever found my wife cheating, I was gone. Period... now I found out and discovered she was all I wanted. You may find the opposite in your case. Many do.
But I see a problem in what you wrote. There is a hidden flippancy here that peeps its head out now and again. It comes across as "it ain't that bad, it's just sex (sexting, etc..)".
It comes out as someone who just doesn't think it's that bad and life was good (except for sex with H) before I started feeling bad about it (the affair).
Am I wrong?
Do you know how hard it is to avoid someone who is on TV and radio?
Ehm, it's easy. There tends to be a little button on radios and TVs, and this magically switches them off!
Get yourself an iPod or other mp3 device to listen to music, and get some DVDs.
Good lord woman, you need to work on your priorities; you are making mountains out of molehills and vice versa!
Whoops, my bad.
That's what I get for not getting enough sleep! 2x4 me!
Whoops, my bad.
That's what I get for not getting enough sleep! 2x4 me!
Simple mistake. No biggie.
I don't recall a thread which generated this amount of activity in such a short time. To try to get a perspective on what the alleged purpose of all this is, I went back to read the thing from the beginning. Actually, I only had to read the first, initiating posting:
Former MB success story....Now I'm just...defeated...I had an emotional affair...Started out as friendly chat messages that turned flirty, that turned into something near cyber/sexting I guess. Felt guilty and told my husband. Ended it...Pretty much went downhill from there. Couldn't stop thinking about the way I felt when someone else wanted me...I am still friends with the other person. Husband knows I am friends with him but doesn't know he is the one I had the (one-sided) EA with...Hating life...Not expecting sympathy here. Just saying ... I wasn't looking for it. I knew hubby and I had problems and I was trying to work on them but that was also a one-sided battle. This came at me out of nowhere. :l
Did anyone else notice that there is no request here? Everything is a statement of fact. Ms. Mfal is not going to accept any guides to improvement because she's basically using her post as a surrogate to (indirectly) complain about what is TRULY bothering her, and that is HER HUSBAND IS NOT ABLE/WILLING TO INITIATE/PARTICIPATE IN SEXUAL ACTIVITY WITH HER TO HER DESIRED LEVEL!
Those MB-disciples among us can rail and protest against her lack of remorse about having sexual fantasies about, and sharing inappropriate texts with, Mr. Mystery Man, but it will all be to no avail. That is NOT her complaint, so she feels no compulsion to adjust her actions to "fix" what she does not feel is broken. (If Mr. Mfal were here, we might be able to offer advice, but.....)
Straight up, Mfal, does this about sum it up?
Y'all have fun editing my posts to say what you think they mean. No point in replying to those who have rewritten history to suit their arguments. I will only respond to those who seem to have an interest in recovery for my husband and for me. I've taken the first steps. I know it will be a long road.
WE have rewritten the fact that you have lied to your husband about your affair? Then give us the facts to dispute that. I see nowhere you told your husband about your affair and gave him the name of the OM. Link please.
The "first steps" would to be honest. I don't see that here.
HER HUSBAND IS NOT ABLE/WILLING TO INITIATE/PARTICIPATE IN SEXUAL ACTIVITY WITH HER TO HER DESIRED LEVEL!
It sounds to me he is simply
not able to or otherwise
can't. Might be mental or trust related, but is more likely physiology based.
I think so much interest was generated because the poster is a 2nd time MB'er. IMO, any time a former poster returns, we all kind of have the assumption that okay, maybe they didn't get it the first time, but since they should already be familiar with the concepts, this THIS time, they will get it.
They don't always, but hey, we can hope.
I think so much interest was generated because the poster is a 2nd time MB'er.
I wasn't aware of this until today. My advice to her remains the same.
Did anyone else notice that there is no request here? Everything is a statement of fact. Ms. Mfal is not going to accept any guides to improvement because she's basically using her post as a surrogate to (indirectly) complain about what is TRULY bothering her, and that is HER HUSBAND IS NOT ABLE/WILLING TO INITIATE/PARTICIPATE IN SEXUAL ACTIVITY WITH HER TO HER DESIRED LEVEL!
Yes, I did notice this. But so what? It is not relevant to me because I know why she is complaining about the lack of sexual activity. She is doing so because her goal is to blame her husband for the troubles in her marriage. Just as she did when she had an affair in her LAST marriage. It was all her H's fault, of course, because he was "abusing" her and not doing any good need meetin.'
So I am fully aware that she is not here to address her affair, but rather to get VALIDATION to sweep it under the rug, deceive her husband and shift the blame to him. The problem with board members here is that they SEE RIGHT THROUGH that ploy so it is not working for her.
Her marriage has no hope of recovery if we focus on the WRONG PROBLEM. First her affair has to be addressed and THEN we can address the need meetin.' I don't care if she is not open to addressing the truth, she won't EVER be open to it if no one brings it up.
This is her second rodeo so if she doesn't get it this time, she will never get it.
Okay, maybe I'm a little slow here, so help out a newbie if you would please, or anyone else for that matter please feel free to chime in on my question.
It's well documented that she's been here before. Logic would dictate that she is (at least somewhat) versed in the MB concepts of radical honesty. She didn't listen the first time and is back yet again.
Why would a person that is so entirely(and OBVIOUSLY)selfish, entitled, self rightous, etc. etc. come back to a place seeking advice from a forum that she KNOWS has a successful path and plan for recovery when she is already well aware of the fact that she doesn't have it in her to do the right thing for true recovery to begin with?????
Maybe it's just me...when I hear good advice, I listen and heed.
Aside from the fact I may have just made the longest run-on sentence (paragraph) in MB history, am I missing something here?
Why would a person that is so entirely(and OBVIOUSLY)selfish, entitled, self rightous, etc. etc. come back to a place seeking advice from a forum that she KNOWS has a successful path and plan for recovery when she is already well aware of the fact that she doesn't have it in her to do the right thing for true recovery to begin with?????
Go back and read her old posts and you will see WHY. [when she was ex_princess] The one poster who had the NERVE to point out that mfal was a "WS" was shouted down, called out and quickly shut up. Other posters told mfal to ignore Nellie for being so "judgemental" and mean. And she did ignore mean ole Nellie!
Board members rallied around mfal and helped her sweep her affair under the rug. ["you go, girl!" squeek!] I think mfal might have even posted at some time on the TOW, gloryb board for loud and proud cheaters.
So, she came here expecting this was the kind of board that would rally around her and validate her for being a liar and a cheater. That is what she got in the past so she had reason to believe it would be the same this time.
In my first week on Marriage Builders back in 2001, I was called out and put down for making "dispectful judgments" against waywards for telling a FWH that it was refreshing to see a truly remorseful WS here. A WW started a call out thread to set me straight. Waywards were treated like little princesses here and betrayed spouses were told to shut up when they said anything derogatory about adultery. THAT is the world that mfal expected to see when she returned.
It's well documented that she's been here before. Logic would dictate that she is (at least somewhat) versed in the MB concepts of radical honesty. She didn't listen the first time and is back yet again.
Why would a person that is so entirely(and OBVIOUSLY)selfish, entitled, self rightous, etc. etc. come back to a place seeking advice from a forum that she KNOWS has a successful path and plan for recovery when she is already well aware of the fact that she doesn't have it in her to do the right thing for true recovery to begin with?????
The fact that she was here before means nothing. What she is, or is not, willing to do NOW means everything.
We get many posters who come here who ignore, demean or criticize our advice. Often they will leave after realizing that we won't buy what they're selling. They realize that we're not suckers. They often come back, because on a level they know what they're doing is wrong. They need help and often fight it, much like a drowning person fighting the person who is trying to save them.
They often come back, because on a level they know what they're doing is wrong. They need help and often fight it, much like a drowning person fighting the person who is trying to save them.
I believe this speaks volumes. Very astute observation
So, she came here expecting this was the kind of board that would rally around her and validate her for being a liar and a cheater. That is what she got in the past so she had reason to believe it would be the same this time.
I'll check it out. I read some, but not a whole lot about her...uh, plight. But this would explain the WHY she came back here part of it.
She's obviously not seeking help. As you said Mel, she's seeking validation. Well, she won't find it here anymore, that's for DAMNED sure.
ETA: Oh, and thanks for the responses ladies
So I am fully aware that she is not here to address her affair, but rather to get VALIDATION to sweep it under the rug, deceive her husband and shift the blame to him.Sorry, ML, I'm not going to cut her as much slack as you are!
She is BRAGGING, not STRESSING, about her EA (PA?). She wants to let us all know that SHE HAS THE ANSWERS. My first note attempted to make the point that there is no solution we can provide her, nothing that she needs from us, because she knows she does not have a problem. Her initiating note was a status report, admittedly tinged with just enough of "Oh, woe is me," to get responses. And holy cow, did she get responses! (I am reminded of those idiots who staged the weather-balloon crisis with their son supposedly on board!)
What she is attempting to tell us is that her life is not working out really great, and if she wanted to, she could do the infidelity tango with POSOM, but she's really much more ethical than that, and it's not her fault anyway.
Deliciously pathological, I would aver! (Read this quick, before someone
sends the mods to blot me out!)
Anyway, the one thing she got right is an absolutely appropriate title to her thread!
(I am reminded of those idiots who staged the weather-balloon crisis with their son supposedly on board!)
NG, understanding your take on this poster's thread, I am amazed at the time and effort you have put into your response.
Just typing "This one's a loser" would have been ever so much faster, don'tcha think?
Probably, but not as personally satisfying!
(Yeah, yeah, I know - it's not supposed to be about me, but....)
ok, neighbor!!
Probably, but not as personally satisfying!
(Yeah, yeah, I know - it's not supposed to be about me, but....)
LOL!
![[Linked Image from pic4ever.com]](http://www.pic4ever.com/images/4fvfcja.gif)
I'm still a bit new here, so may not fully understand how TOS is enforced.
This poster is adamantly opposed to the MB principles of, at the very least, NC and radical honesty. The marriage she is describing with her husband, which she intends to defend to the death, does not practice MB principles and she is loudly proclaiming she has no intention to implement MB principles.
I agree with NG. The originator seems to be bragging, reveling in the power she wields over her husband in the relationship and getting much satisfaction from the rightful indignation from the MB supporters on her thread. This has turned into a forum that is simply argumentative and is not promoting the MB program. While it may not cross the line of actively arguing in support of infidelity, she is certainly arguing in support of a lifestyle that leads to infidelity, as evidenced by her return here following her second affair.
It seems I've seen threads shut down over this much more quickly than I'm seeing here. What's the deal, vets? Isn't this a candidate for a locked thread? If not, why not?
True attempt to educate myself here. Thanks in advance.
OWH, we see this sort of poster come through here fairly frequently. At this point I doubt the mods are getting involved because no real TOS has been violated.
This sort of thread is good for lurkers to read - we've got a lot of unfaithful lurkers out there. This thread will either dwindle away to nothing as the members stop posting when they see that the poster really doesn't want help. Or someone may get into a squabble with the poster and the mods will just lock the thread to stop the nonsense.
I do believe the thread has reached a point of diminishing returns, though.
Either way, I'm hoping someone got something out of this. If not the thread starter, perhaps a lurker.
Either way, I'm hoping someone got something out of this. If not the thread starter, perhaps a lurker.
So true. And to those lurkers who want to post, some of them may have learned what won't be tolerated by board members. Unless they are willing to become repentant, and do the work, they won't find a suitable place here.
I'll check it out. I read some, but not a whole lot about her...uh, plight. But this would explain the WHY she came back here part of it.
For some reason, her username doesn't show her threads when i search... RRRR
I'll check it out. I read some, but not a whole lot about her...uh, plight. But this would explain the WHY she came back here part of it.
For some reason, her username doesn't show her threads when i search... RRRR
Here ya go! I posted one of her threads earlier where she called out and chastised a board member for daring to call her a "WS."
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...;Main=66161&Number=706705#Post706705
I'll check it out. I read some, but not a whole lot about her...uh, plight. But this would explain the WHY she came back here part of it.
For some reason, her username doesn't show her threads when i search... RRRR
Here ya go! I posted one of her threads earlier where she called out and chastised a board member for daring to call her a "WS."
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...;Main=66161&Number=706705#Post706705Mel, thanks so much!
You know what's disappointing? You probably know already, but here, I'll toss it out anyway...
She wrote in that thread:
I had an emotional affair.
I ended my emotional affair and tried to work things out with my husband.
I left my abusive husband.
I found out he was having an emotional affair and details of how they were going to meet and make it physical. Perhaps they did.
I started dating before the divorce was final.
If you want to call me a WS because of it, that's fine.
There were a LOT of times I could have had a physical affair and didn't. I'm not looking for a pat on the back for that.Not a dag burned thing has changed in over a decade. She has obviously read the material, but reading and understanding/adopting it are two VERY different things...
The question is, will she really desire to change this time or not.
Hmmm...
CV
Mel, thanks so much!
You know what's disappointing? You probably know already, but here, I'll toss it out anyway...
The fun never ends... Just ran across this on the old thread too:
" I don't believe I've ever told someone to have an EA, that there is nothing wrong with it, that it's a good thing, etc. It was devastating to my XH when he found out,
and hurt me and the OM/friend when I ended it."
Isn't this the same reason she doesn't want to really expose now? Her friend/om doesn't need to be exposed and hurt...
It's like a skipping record.
CV
[q
Not a dag burned thing has changed in over a decade. She has obviously read the material, but reading and understanding/adopting it are two VERY different things...
The question is, will she really desire to change this time or not.
Amazing how the story is exactly the same, isn't it?
[q
Not a dag burned thing has changed in over a decade. She has obviously read the material, but reading and understanding/adopting it are two VERY different things...
The question is, will she really desire to change this time or not.
Amazing how the story is exactly the same, isn't it?
It's so darned sad. Really. I'd love for her to square away this thing with the moderators if she hasn't already and get some real help here. It's the exact same script, just new supporting actors (husbands and OM). I am curious if this H was the OM from the first M... This has ear-marks of an affairage to me.
cv
Or perhaps the OM is the same one as before and exposing would possibly kill any efforts to resume same sleazy behaviour when the mood strikes in the future?
Or perhaps the OM is the same one as before and exposing would possibly kill any efforts to resume same sleazy behaviour when the mood strikes in the future?
My suspicion is that her current H is the OM in her last marriage. And that she concocted the "abuse" and infidelity story to justify dumping him for the OM. Of course, she will never tell us the truth because lying is appropriate to her. She has already lied to us on this thread. This is a way of life with her.
I'd love for her to square away this thing with the moderators if she hasn't already and get some real help here.
I'm not sure what you mean by this, CV. What do the moderators need to help her with? I think she's been getting some pretty good advice from our members.
This has ear-marks of an affairage to me.
cv
AGREE. However, I don't know how to help an affairage or help someone who doesn't want help.
That was really enlightening ML
Thanks for posting the previous threread link.
I didn't quite understand why MB vets were so infuriated with this poster. Now it's clearer.
I guess I can see where there might be some small utility in leaving this thread be, but not for me. I'm a big-time novice and want to "pay forward" the help I've received here. I need to focus what little help I can provide on those who want help.
This poster seems to believe that leaving emotional destruction in her wake is just a natural consequence of relationships. It probably is for her.
For the lurkers that may find utility in this thread: as cold and crass as it may sound: the knowledge that women like this poster are loosed upon an unsuspecting dating pool was, at least, a moderate consideration in my decision to reconcile with my RBFWW (rapidly-becoming FWW). Think about it.
I'd love for her to square away this thing with the moderators if she hasn't already and get some real help here.
I'm not sure what you mean by this, CV. What do the moderators need to help her with? I think she's been getting some pretty good advice from our members.
Isn't there a note for the mods for her to square away an abuse of TOS? I thought this may be why she hasn't continued to post... I'm probably wrong...
CV
This has ear-marks of an affairage to me.
cv
AGREE. However, I don't know how to help an affairage or help someone who doesn't want help.
I agree with Dr H that recovering an Affairage is almost impossible because of the conditions that set the M.
Grace and I have tried to help a couple that we found out was a 10 year affairage. They didn't want help, just justification. One day I may post some of the things that went on in that marriage... Like a combination of several of the threads here... OM beating up BH, kidnapping her kids and getting arrested, excommunicated from their church, smashing cars, physically fighting with each other, forced/coerced sex with each other, hiding phones and emails, lying...
And they define themselves as happy...
Chances
are much slimmer with affairages I believe.
Wow. first time I ever read a thread that old.
When "the princess" was here before, the place was just a big ol' Rodney King "c-can't we all just get along?", slobber-swappin', pickin' out curtains, kum-ba-yah-fest. Wouldn't want to hurt anyone's feelings for destroying the lives of those they vowed to protect. That would be mean.
Sad, really.
The class-level of the users on this forum has really picked up.
Wow. first time I ever read a thread that old.
When "the princess" was here before, the place was just a big ol' Rodney King "c-can't we all just get along?", slobber-swappin', pickin' out curtains, kum-ba-yah-fest. Wouldn't want to hurt anyone's feelings for destroying the lives of those they vowed to protect. That would be mean.
Sad, really.
The class-level of the users on this forum has really picked up.
Yeah. It's nice to see the old-timers who have stayed around and see how they've grown and matured too.
On another note, we do accept monetary donations for anyone who wants to "pay forward"
Isn't there a note for the mods for her to square away an abuse of TOS? I thought this may be why she hasn't continued to post... I'm probably wrong...
Hmmm, I don't think so, but I may have missed it. The mods usually don't get involved in the discussion unless someone stops playing nice and violates TOS. I don't think this poster violated TOS, but again, I could be wrong. I've been known to be wrong on the extremely rare occasion.
I suspect she has stopped posting because of the overwhelming case that has been made about her attitude toward her affair and her disregard for her husband.
Isn't there a note for the mods for her to square away an abuse of TOS? I thought this may be why she hasn't continued to post... I'm probably wrong...
Hmmm, I don't think so, but I may have missed it. The mods usually don't get involved in the discussion unless someone stops playing nice and violates TOS. I don't think this poster violated TOS, but again, I could be wrong. I've been known to be wrong on the extremely rare occasion.
I suspect she has stopped posting because of the overwhelming case that has been made about her attitude toward her affair and her disregard for her husband.
Midway down on page 9. She stopped posting shortly after I think. I'm probably reading waaaay too much into it though'
Midway down on page 9. She stopped posting shortly after I think. I'm probably reading waaaay too much into it though'
Lemme go scope it out...be right back...
[
Chances are much slimmer with affairages I believe.
Did you know that Dr Harley states he has NEVER found a way to turn one around? NEVER.
[
Chances are much slimmer with affairages I believe.
Did you know that Dr Harley states he has NEVER found a way to turn one around? NEVER.
Never is pretty definitive... And scary coming from the guy who probably has the highest success rate for marriage recovery in modern counseling.
CV
Midway down on page 9. She stopped posting shortly after I think. I'm probably reading waaaay too much into it though'
Oh, right, I saw that. She logged in with a new user name. She did post after Fireproof posted, so I assume that got worked out.
Again, I just think the members refused to accept anything less than honesty from her, and she got frustrated by that. Her loss.
Never is pretty definitive... And scary coming from the guy who probably has the highest success rate for marriage recovery in modern counseling.
He has said that the spouses won't do the homework he requires of them. They continue independent behavior and are suspicious of each other. Kinda figures, doesn't it?
Never is pretty definitive... And scary coming from the guy who probably has the highest success rate for marriage recovery in modern counseling.
He has said that the spouses won't do the homework he requires of them. They continue independent behavior and are suspicious of each other. Kinda figures, doesn't it?
It really does. The suspicion is really off the charts... Like they are constantly actively looking for an affair... Which i guess makes sense if you look at it. Neither one is really trustworthy... Big difference between keeping your eyes open and being aware and actively looking.
Wow! This is like deja vu. Reading her old thread was very enlightening. Some people never will get it. And those MBers who were on her side obviously weren't fully on board with the MB principles.
She sounds almost as bad as another ww on the divorced/divorcing page.
I didn't quite understand why MB vets were so infuriated with this poster. Now it's clearer.
My basic issue with this poster is her lying to her husband. I am not infuriated with her, though. I just will not mince words with someone like that.
Part of the reason she is like this is because she surrounds herself with fools who tell her what she wants to hear. That is what she got when she came to the board in 2001, a bunch of fellow enablers. As you can see, the ONE person who called it like it was was shouted down and dismissed. That is how the board was back then. It was considered "mean" to state truth. A real dysfunctional atmosphere.
My basic issue with this poster is her lying to her husband. I am not infuriated with her, though. I just will not mince words with someone like that.
Part of the reason she is like this is because she surrounds herself with fools who tell her what she wants to hear. That is what she got when she came to the board in 2001, a bunch of fellow enablers. As you can see, the ONE person who called it like it was was shouted down and dismissed. That is how the board was back then. It was considered "mean" to state truth. A real dysfunctional atmosphere.
Once caught, my wife lied to me about the identity of her AP for three months. I knew she was lying. It tore me up inside. It was the only thing I thought about, all day, every day. I was obsessed with proving her AP's identity, as I had a strong suspicion who it was.
I lost 35 pounds over those three months, and I wasn't much overweight to start. I probably slept an average of three hours per night. I was like a zombie. I didn't know what was happening to me, but later found out I was cycling in and out of deep depressive episodes, after never having anything remotely similar occurring to me in my life.
It wasn't the affair; it wasn't the idea that my wife had slept with another man. It was that my wife was a liar and I knew it. I knew that she was looking me straight in the eye and deceiving me for her own self-protection without regard to what it was doing to me.
The fact that my wife would sell me and her children down the river to protect her secrets was very slowly killing me, heart, mind, body, and soul, from the inside.
This poster returned to this site bemoaning the fact that she's not getting her SF while she's slowly, methodically, like Chinese water-torture, snipped away at his manhood -- nay, his humanity. And her lying is only the tip of the iceberg when it comes to the behavior she's used to subjugate and humiliate him.
This poster has to be one of the most cruel, heartless WS's that I've had the displeasure to run across on these boards.
ML I was under the Impression her first M ended because her H was abusing her. It wasn't until I read the link that it became clear that there was an EA in the first M too and now I understand why she has got the responses she did.
If you look hard enough in any marriage you can always find one reason or another to have an A if your looking to justify bad actions the reasons don't need to be good or valid just any reasons that deflect the problem from your own failings.
I see this poster as never being happy until she starts being honest with her husband and herself and I tried saying that to her in the nicest way I could but unfortunately she still didn't tell her H the truth.
I didn't quite understand why MB vets were so infuriated with this poster. Now it's clearer.
I'm not infuriated with her in the least. Frustrated, maybe, not infuriated. It's frustrating to state the obvious, over and over, and have it fall on deaf-by-choice ears.
I'm not infuriated, either.
I have nothing but contempt for any choice to lie like that, and pity for the BH who is being sliced to ribbons, but infuriation uses up way too much energy that I need for other things.
II Timothy 4:3
For the time will come when they will not endure sound doctrine; but after their own lusts shall they heap to themselves teachers, having itching ears...
Sorry to have "frustrated" so many.
Finally done catching up on all the posts since I posted last.
My suspicion is that her current H is the OM in her last marriage. And that she concocted the "abuse" and infidelity story to justify dumping him for the OM. Of course, she will never tell us the truth because lying is appropriate to her. She has already lied to us on this thread. This is a way of life with her.
Your suspicions are way off. Your repeated insinuations that the abuse in my first marriage was fabricated I find to be very offensive and completely counteract any advice you may try to offer. I was picked up off the floor by my hair; I had a gun placed in front of me and was told to shoot myself. He was extremely controlling and destroyed most of my possessions, spit on me in front of the kids, urinated on files I needed for work, and so much more. You found one thread from my past life and decided to make that my entire history, when it was only the very end of that chapter.
My present husband is NOT the person I had a long-distance EA with twelve years ago. That man left the wife he had at the time and is happily remarried. We remained friends, though we do not communicate much and never on an intimate, "remember when" kind of level. We are both thankful we are not in the relationships we were in 12 years ago. They were toxic. Mine nearly killed me.
DH and I are planning some away time, some "dates" away from the kids, just focusing on reconnecting.
No one has to continue commenting on this thread if you feel I am without desire to change or beyond help. It is an affront to all abused women to have someone who has not been in those shoes assume that because I made a mistake, that I would make something like that up.
The only other boards I've been on are The Marriage Bed (regarding the same issue with lack of interest) and Conduct Disorders (largely regarding emotional baggage the kids carry from seeing the way my ex treated me) ... the more you assume wrongly about me, the less anything you have to say seems relevant.
I don't know how to come clean to DH about who the OM was. Just because whenever he sees or hears him, I feel like that wound will be reopened. I'm not sure it's such a good idea, in this case, unless he asks me again about who it was. But we haven't spoken of this in a long, long time. I came asking for help dealing with the thoughts that won't go away, because I don't want them. I want my husband and my marriage.
I came asking for help dealing with the thoughts that won't go away, because I don't want them.
And I believe that the posters have tried to help you with this. What you need to do is tell your BH, so he can keep you accountable. If he doesn't know who OM is, how does he know who to keep you away from? You are being triggered and if you don't stop your current behaviours, then nothing changes in your life.
Let your BH know who OM is, because it is the right thing to do. Your BH may have a time when he starts wondering who OM is, and he will see OM as everyone and that will cause him to never be able to feel safe with you.
Then, you need to do EVERYTHING to change who you are, your boundaries around other men, and what you do so this doesn't happen again. You have become a serial adulterer and only YOU can change that.
I came asking for help dealing with the thoughts that won't go away...
Okay then...the advice from those of us here is that the best way to ban those thought is to enlist in your effort the person best positioned to help you...your BH. But to DO that, you're going to have to tell him the whole story about why these thoughts are troubling you.
Can you hear me in this? You, self-admittedly, cannot attend to this alone; you need his help; he will have to understand the problem before being able to help; doing that will require exposure of your secret (mental) life.
I cannot make this clearer.
Sorry to have "frustrated" so many.
My present husband is NOT the person I had a long-distance EA with twelve years ago. That man left the wife he had at the time and is happily remarried. We remained friends, though we do not communicate much and never on an intimate, "remember when" kind of level. We are both thankful we are not in the relationships we were in 12 years ago. They were toxic. Mine nearly killed me.
MFAL, This is a HUGE problem. Continued contact means that you haven't ever really followed MB principles. One of the most fundamental elements of recovery is NC for life with your affair partner. Regardless of whether or not we were right or wrong about an affairage, you have never really implemented extra-ordinary precautions or solid boundaries in your relationships with men.
DH and I are planning some away time, some "dates" away from the kids, just focusing on reconnecting.
No one has to continue commenting on this thread if you feel I am without desire to change or beyond help. It is an affront to all abused women to have someone who has not been in those shoes assume that because I made a mistake, that I would make something like that up.
What mistake did you make?
The only other boards I've been on are The Marriage Bed (regarding the same issue with lack of interest) and Conduct Disorders (largely regarding emotional baggage the kids carry from seeing the way my ex treated me) ... the more you assume wrongly about me, the less anything you have to say seems relevant.
Thing is, we'd never be "here" discussing this, in this way if you were working on implementing a MB plan for recovery.
I don't know how to come clean to DH about who the OM was. Just because whenever he sees or hears him, I feel like that wound will be reopened. I'm not sure it's such a good idea, in this case, unless he asks me again about who it was.
I know the answer to this one... You say "Honey, remember when you asked me about who the OM was? Well, I felt that it would be fair for me to tell you so you can protect our marriage. It's ____. Oh and I have also decided to take steps to protect you and will never be in contact with him or my former affair partner again... For life..."
But we haven't spoken of this in a long, long time. I came asking for help dealing with the thoughts that won't go away, because I don't want them. I want my husband and my marriage.
thoughts aren't going away because you are still in contact. Drop him and that circle of friends and he will fade. Simple solid logic... I suspect that your H quit asking because you were stonewalling him with the answers.
I believe your BH knows who the OM is...just waiting for you to confirm it. He guessed who it was...Trust me..he has been thinking this through..do you really think you have a fool for a BH? If you don't think you do..then why treat him like one?
Is it possible that your H knows who this person is and knows you lied to him and has withdrawn from you emotionally and phisically because he knows you lied to him?
One of the quickest way for my H to make me run from him is to lie to me. He knows if he lies to me the damage is HUGE for me. You lied to your H when he asked you about the man you exchanged inappropriate texts with. Give your marriage and husband the respect they both deserve and tell him who the OM is.
I would much rather he told me about his A than me finding out via other ways.
Sorry to have "frustrated" so many.
Finally done catching up on all the posts since I posted last.
My suspicion is that her current H is the OM in her last marriage. And that she concocted the "abuse" and infidelity story to justify dumping him for the OM. Of course, she will never tell us the truth because lying is appropriate to her. She has already lied to us on this thread. This is a way of life with her.
Your suspicions are way off. Your repeated insinuations that the abuse in my first marriage was fabricated I find to be very offensive and completely counteract any advice you may try to offer.
But, we all know you are a liar, so who knows what the real truth is. You have endorsed lying many times on this thread and even lied to us. You lied to the board members back in 2001. Surely you don't expect us to believe anything you say?
I don't know how to come clean to DH about who the OM was. Just because whenever he sees or hears him, I feel like that wound will be reopened. I'm not sure it's such a good idea, in this case, unless he asks me again about who it was. But we haven't spoken of this in a long, long time. I came asking for help dealing with the thoughts that won't go away, because I don't want them. I want my husband and my marriage.
I rest my case. More excuses to lie and engage in cruel, deceptive behavior against your spouse. How despicable that you would allow your H to go around this sleazebag not knowing the truth. If your H knew the truth he would not go around the OM.
If you cared about your husband, you would tell him the truth. But you don't. You care about covering your [censored]. Period.
We are both thankful we are not in the relationships we were in 12 years ago. They were toxic. Mine nearly killed me.
You are toxic. You were toxic to your last husband and you are toxic to this one. Lies and adultery are as toxic as it gets.
I believe your BH knows who the OM is...just waiting for you to confirm it. He guessed who it was...Trust me..he has been thinking this through..do you really think you have a fool for a BH? If you don't think you do..then why treat him like one?
He didn't exactly 'guess' it.
If you read this post, hopefully this link will take you straight to it ... last year we had a couple of 'friends' seemingly determined to take ours down along with their failing marriage, make up stuff about my husband and I.
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...in=165541&Number=2584530#Post2584530When he asked me if it was _______, I responded that I didn't want to say. Later, I discovered that ex-friend #1 had told my husband that I'd done FAR MORE than sexting with _______, while ex-friend #2 was telling me that DH was doing inappropriate things that I had no reason to believe he was doing. Beyond flirting. When I found out, I sat DH down and told him what I'd heard he was doing, then what I heard I was doing. Then we cut all contact with those people.
There is more to our 10 years together than can fit here. We've had ups and downs, but none as bad as this past year, and I definitely don't want to grow old alone or with anyone else. In all other ways than the SF issue, we are strong and close. I don't want to bring the sexting issue back up. Although I know eventually, it will work its way to the surface. I just ... well ... don't want to deal with the fallout. Selfish I know. The time is coming that I'll have to deal with it all.
And I believe that the posters have tried to help you with this. What you need to do is tell your BH, so he can keep you accountable. If he doesn't know who OM is, how does he know who to keep you away from? You are being triggered and if you don't stop your current behaviours, then nothing changes in your life.
Let your BH know who OM is, because it is the right thing to do. Your BH may have a time when he starts wondering who OM is, and he will see OM as everyone and that will cause him to never be able to feel safe with you.
Then, you need to do EVERYTHING to change who you are, your boundaries around other men, and what you do so this doesn't happen again. You have become a serial adulterer and only YOU can change that.
Thank you.
Okay then...the advice from those of us here is that the best way to ban those thought is to enlist in your effort the person best positioned to help you...your BH. But to DO that, you're going to have to tell him the whole story about why these thoughts are troubling you.
Can you hear me in this? You, self-admittedly, cannot attend to this alone; you need his help; he will have to understand the problem before being able to help; doing that will require exposure of your secret (mental) life.
I cannot make this clearer.
Thank you.
The only other boards I've been on are The Marriage Bed (regarding the same issue with lack of interest) and Conduct Disorders (largely regarding emotional baggage the kids carry from seeing the way my ex treated me) ... the more you assume wrongly about me, the less anything you have to say seems relevant.
Again, we only have the word of an admitted liar who endorses lying. Since the truth is not relevant to you, that is no surprise.
And I believe that the posters have tried to help you with this. What you need to do is tell your BH, so he can keep you accountable. If he doesn't know who OM is, how does he know who to keep you away from? You are being triggered and if you don't stop your current behaviours, then nothing changes in your life.
Let your BH know who OM is, because it is the right thing to do. Your BH may have a time when he starts wondering who OM is, and he will see OM as everyone and that will cause him to never be able to feel safe with you.
Then, you need to do EVERYTHING to change who you are, your boundaries around other men, and what you do so this doesn't happen again. You have become a serial adulterer and only YOU can change that.
Thank you.
Best way to thank me is to DO something different.
And I believe that the posters have tried to help you with this. What you need to do is tell your BH, so he can keep you accountable. If he doesn't know who OM is, how does he know who to keep you away from? You are being triggered and if you don't stop your current behaviours, then nothing changes in your life.
Let your BH know who OM is, because it is the right thing to do. Your BH may have a time when he starts wondering who OM is, and he will see OM as everyone and that will cause him to never be able to feel safe with you.
Then, you need to do EVERYTHING to change who you are, your boundaries around other men, and what you do so this doesn't happen again. You have become a serial adulterer and only YOU can change that.
Thank you.
Does this mean you are going to tell your husband the full truth now? Or are you still just wasting our time?
Again, we only have the word of an admitted liar who endorses lying. Since the truth is not relevant to you, that is no surprise.
In addition to lying, mfal, you also minimize or re-prioritize things in order to bolster your position. You are currently dealing with the fallout of an EA that began by flirting. To give legs to your argument, you said:
I FLIRT. Always have. I do it with my husband. I do it with him watching. I do it when I'm out with girlfriends. They are friends with my husband and tell him everything. Nothing to hide there. Lots of people do, without issue. I'm that kind of person. I haven't had a problem with wanting any more to come of it.
Like I said, I've made a mistake. Flirting led to sexual messages, which led to me feeling guilty, telling my husband, and ending the sexual conversations.
Yet, back in 2002, you said:
Me ... I'm a terrible flirt. I did not realize the danger, or understand the pain it caused my X. I did not have a PA but flirting could be a form of EA ... I fantasized about other men when things were bad (another no-no) ... I was not my X's best friend ... I put time with my friends ahead of time with him ... I put work ahead of him ... I put hobbies ahead of him ... I was selfish ... I said unkind things ... I yelled ... I talked about ex-boyfriends too much ...
You knew all these things TEN YEARS AGO. Yet here you are, defending the very behaviors you condemned in yourself a decade ago. Can you see where your posts appear to be designed to support whatever notion you're plugging at the time?
I believe your BH knows who the OM is...just waiting for you to confirm it. He guessed who it was...Trust me..he has been thinking this through..do you really think you have a fool for a BH? If you don't think you do..then why treat him like one?
He didn't exactly 'guess' it.
If you read this post, hopefully this link will take you straight to it ... last year we had a couple of 'friends' seemingly determined to take ours down along with their failing marriage, make up stuff about my husband and I.
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...in=165541&Number=2584530#Post2584530When he asked me if it was _______, I responded that I didn't want to say. Later, I discovered that ex-friend #1 had told my husband that I'd done FAR MORE than sexting with _______, while ex-friend #2 was telling me that DH was doing inappropriate things that I had no reason to believe he was doing. Beyond flirting. When I found out, I sat DH down and told him what I'd heard he was doing, then what I heard I was doing. Then we cut all contact with those people.
There is more to our 10 years together than can fit here. We've had ups and downs, but none as bad as this past year, and I definitely don't want to grow old alone or with anyone else. In all other ways than the SF issue, we are strong and close. I don't want to bring the sexting issue back up. Although I know eventually, it will work its way to the surface. I just ... well ... don't want to deal with the fallout. Selfish I know. The time is coming that I'll have to deal with it all.
If you cut off contact with those friends, you can cut off contact with him.
Damn skippy you are being selfish. How would you like it if your husband was keeping secrets from you and lying to you?
Best way to thank me is to DO something different.
I posted that to let you know that I had read what you said, that I wasn't ignoring it or skipping it because I didn't think it applied to me. I have gotten swamped with responses. I have a lot to consider and a lot to plan. :l
MFAL,
Coming from the mouth of a wayward, I tell you that you will NEVER be able to repair your marriage if you keep acting this way.
You are fooling yourself by saying that SF is your only problem. Husbands that are having their emotional needs met, WANT to have sex with their wives. I said this before that there is something more going on with both of you. Your marriage is a mess.
You must heal yourself before you can work the MB principals. You are still in the fog. I see it. You not only lying to BH but you are lying to yourself!!! Stop it! Be honest about what your life is and then deal with it.
You must let go of the past and focus on the NOW. Until you are through withdrawl, you will not heal....EVER! You are keeping yourself in constant fog. Why put yourself through that?
What are you afraid of? You need to come totally clean!
I know what you're feeling. I do. But the way you're going about recovery isn't good.
CT
He didn't exactly 'guess' it.
If you read this post, hopefully this link will take you straight to it ... last year we had a couple of 'friends' seemingly determined to take ours down along with their failing marriage, make up stuff about my husband and I.
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...in=165541&Number=2584530#Post2584530A friend narked on you. I remember the comment. So was it you or someone else who told them what was going on? When he asked me if it was _______, I responded that I didn't want to say. Later, I discovered that ex-friend #1 had told my husband that I'd done FAR MORE than sexting with _______. Beyond flirting. When I found out, I sat DH down and told him what I'd heard he was doing, then what I heard I was doing. Then we cut all contact with those people.
So how many times did you and OM make out? H confronted you and you lied by omission. THEN you spun it to be about what you HEARD he was doing... So instead of working on the M and coming clean and being fixed right now, you chose to continue to lie and fantasize... Is this pretty much correct?
A few things simply don't add up. 1. You say he did not reciprocate, but you then say he did reciprocate over text..
2. You claim that it was never physical, but you still fantasize
3. You are not willing to tell H his name
All this leads me to think your friend was right and more happened than you let on.
There is more to our 10 years together than can fit here. We've had ups and downs, but none as bad as this past year, and I definitely don't want to grow old alone or with anyone else. In all other ways than the SF issue, we are strong and close.
Not if you are lying to him you aren't. Not if you are fantasizing and have feelings for an OM you're not. I had 18 years under my belt when my Dday hit. It meant squat in light of being lied to.I don't want to bring the sexting issue back up. Although I know eventually, it will work its way to the surface. I just ... well ... don't want to deal with the fallout. Selfish I know. The time is coming that I'll have to deal with it all.
This is the truth. You don't want to deal with the fallout. Tackle it head-on now or lose your marriage later.
CV
A friend narked on you. I remember the comment. So was it you or someone else who told them what was going on?
So how many times did you and OM make out? H confronted you and you lied by omission. THEN you spun it to be about what you HEARD he was doing... So instead of working on the M and coming clean and being fixed right now, you chose to continue to lie and fantasize... Is this pretty much correct?
We didn't "make out" ... the sexually explicit texts/messages were over a span of a couple weeks. I told ex-friend #2 about the messages. She urged me to do something about it and make it physical. Living vicariously through me or something I guess. She told her husband, ex-friend #1 about the messages and he took it upon himself to tell DH that I was giving men oral sex in public. No, this did not happen. I can't figure why they would do this to us, other than to attempt to kill our marriage. Theirs was bad, she often told me she was leaving him. But then she was afraid to. She was also cheating on him. And they were both telling me that my husband was groping other women and having them in his lap, grinding on him. I do not believe this.
A few things simply don't add up. 1. You say he did not reciprocate, but you then say he did reciprocate over text..
2. You claim that it was never physical, but you still fantasize
3. You are not willing to tell H his name
All this leads me to think your friend was right and more happened than you let on.
The sexting, for the brief time it went on, was mutual participation. It got weird, and it ended. I do have a hard time forgetting about some things that were said. He has totally dropped it and we have been able to maintain a friendship, until now. I know I have to do more than just avoid him, but it's a baby step.
A friend narked on you. I remember the comment. So was it you or someone else who told them what was going on?
So how many times did you and OM make out? H confronted you and you lied by omission. THEN you spun it to be about what you HEARD he was doing... So instead of working on the M and coming clean and being fixed right now, you chose to continue to lie and fantasize... Is this pretty much correct?
We didn't "make out" ... the sexually explicit texts/messages were over a span of a couple weeks. I told ex-friend #2 about the messages. She urged me to do something about it and make it physical. Living vicariously through me or something I guess. She told her husband, ex-friend #1 about the messages and he took it upon himself to tell DH that I was giving men oral sex in public. No, this did not happen. I can't figure why they would do this to us, other than to attempt to kill our marriage. Theirs was bad, she often told me she was leaving him. But then she was afraid to. She was also cheating on him. And they were both telling me that my husband was groping other women and having them in his lap, grinding on him. I do not believe this.
A few things simply don't add up. 1. You say he did not reciprocate, but you then say he did reciprocate over text..
2. You claim that it was never physical, but you still fantasize
3. You are not willing to tell H his name
All this leads me to think your friend was right and more happened than you let on.
The sexting, for the brief time it went on, was mutual participation. It got weird, and it ended. I do have a hard time forgetting about some things that were said. He has totally dropped it and we have been able to maintain a friendship, until now. I know I have to do more than just avoid him, but it's a baby step.
Best way is to tell your H.
CV
Let me put this nicely,
This OM basically started a sexting you and you replayed then he happily dropped the whole thing after a few weeks? Right?
Well here is what I know happened
This guy wanted to see if he could have you and if you were easy or a challenge,
Unfortunately you weren't much of a challenge he lost interest and moved on, in other words this guy found you easy.
Now what I don't understand is. Why do you care so much about someone like that. I personally would be so embarrassed and humiliated by this that I would never ever want to see or hear from him again. NC should be the easiest thing ever for you under these circumstances. Never mind the fact that he obviously has no respect for your H at all either so again letting your H know what this POSOM is like would do him a favour.
A few years ago one of my H closest friends made advances at me and I told my H straight away. I felt guilty and bad as my H really liked this friend and at first i was sad about the loss of the friendship but Then i was so so angry that this friend would do something like that to my H that I had to tell my H. I did not want anyone disrespecting and betraying my H even if I had 0 interst in his friend he had the right to know he couldn't trust him.
As a result our social life has dwindled a bit but I wouldn't do anything differently should something like this ever happen again. I rather go out less often with a few people that I trust and respect than go out everyday with a crowd of immoral two faced people.
I'll say it one last time. Tell your H about Who this man is OUT OF RESPECT FOR YOUR H AND YOUR MARRIAGE. If you don't respect your marriage how can you expect anyone else to? That would explain the troubles you have had with these supposed friends you Have around you.
PS I know I'm focusing on the OM but this does not let you off the hook for sexting too but others here are taking care of that side of things.
The forum is for the purpose of marriage building, not for affair support. This thread has become a distraction on this forum so we are locking it. Let's get back to marriage building!
Thank you all...