My story is that of some length. If you get through it, I say THANK YOU... if not, I understand. It is a mess but, I am just SO sad.. I feel like a shell of a person and I just need to know that there are people out there who feel like me. I am tired of feeling like such a freak.

Anyway... a year ago (October) my phone rang and it was some man asking for my husband. I asked his name, he told me and I got the phone to my husband. I went on with getting my children dressed for church when I hear him whispering "no, no thank you, that's ok, bye" and he hung up. This struck me as odd so I asked him who it was... the lies began. "It was a guy I met at (insert friends name here) and he wants to hang out" well, I am not dumb, I knew that he hadn't been to this friends house since we had got out new phone number.. TRY AGAIN... I forget which lie he came up with at this point but then, he told me it was a guy who was calling for his ex girlfriend. She wanted my husband to call her so she could apologize for all the wrongs she had done in the past.
I of coarse didn't believe him so, I went to call this person back who had called.(my H had deleted the number off of caller Id... but thankfully there is *69) He (the guy) told me the same thing that my husband did. I was relieved. I then told said man "tell her that he is married with four kids and to leave him alone" the man apologized for calling and said that he had already passed the message to her.
So we go to church. I didn't speak to my husband all night as I was SO hurt that he would just lie to me, why wouldn't he just tell me the truth .
We came home from church and I was sulking in my room when he came in with the news "remember when I left when *** (our son) was born?" me: "um yes" him: well it was for her"
For who? I was so confused... well, the story was when I had our second child my husband did leave me for a short period. He told me we fought too much ect ect and after about 2 months ... we were back to happy house (he never moved out nor me.. he jut was distant going out all the time ect ect.. never ever did I suspect an affair as, we were still intimate and such)
Anyway... apparently, one day his dad received a ltter in the mail from said girl who used to date my husband when he was teen. My father in law then gave this letter to my husband and my husband read it and called her. Thus begun their two week long affair that ended in a night in a hotel.
So, if I haven't lost you yet.. good.
Anyway........ I get hit 6 years after the fact that my husband had an affair with the love of his life . They talked about how they were going to leave their spouses for eachother. He even told her he loved her the whole nine yards.
So, I of coarse have ten billion questions "did you guys go out to eat" .. I don't remember
"did you guys go to movies" I dont remember
every question I had "I don't remember
Where was the hotel "I don't remember" it was insulting.
in the meantime... we have four kids. And I am not sure what to do... and he is being the husband of my dreams. Up until now, he has never been very nice to me. and I mean at all. and suddenly he is the husband of my dreams. I am confused, hurt and I have felt like my life has been this BIG FAT LIE .
So.. it started whenever i would bring it up.. he would say things like " I am going to kill myself" It always got turned around on poor him.
eventually after his moving out and him going to jail (yes, I called the police after he threanted to kill himself again and I was SO over it)
he moved back in. We go through the motions but, I am so hurt by the fact that he lied, insults me by "not remembering" and acts as tho "I did it, I said sorry get over it" and there should be no work on his part. I am a shell.
To top it off, I knew this slut wouldn't quit trying to contact him so I made up a facebook in his name.. sure enough, she tried only she got me I told her off but, he then went and told his entire family that we were having problems because I am psycho that trapped his ex girlfriend on facebook?!?!?
I do not know how I can get over this... yet, I also do not know how I can be a single mom of 4 kids. I am angry with him that he has made me chose between mine or my kids happiness. I of coarse have chosen my childrens but... I am angry that I have had to!
THERE is much more that I am sure I will remember after I press send. We are due to celebrate 10 years of marriage come August.. I do not feel like celebrating. ALl wedding things have been put away and I will never ever wear my ring again.
thanks for listening

btw... he stopped being the husband of my dreams after about a month...
Also, he refused to go to counseling because he said we needed to go seperately first... he still hasn't gone.

He also when I found her on fb freaked out crying saying he was scared but didn't know why ( think it was because he was afraid I would find out the TRUTH)
and, he gets INSANE when I ask for passwords to his email and the like... I mean, even breaking my brandnew laptop because I "should just trust him" Ummm no, I did that once remember, you burned me.. now you have to work to get that back.

It would be much easier if you would go back and break up those paragraphs.

Sorry you have had to find this place KK.

To get a more clear understanding, your discovery day (Dday) was 1 year ago and you have gotten nearly no information from your husband in 1 year? He continues to want "privacy"? Is he still going out and have unaccounted time in his days?

Are you currently seperated?

His holding out on the truth, and continuation of preventing you from checking up on him, sounds like there is still an affair in the works. If the A was over and he is done with it, he would be more open with his life especially after you have discovered his affair. If he has nothing to hide, he would hide nothing.

Are you sure the affair is over?

Is the other woman married?

You've found the right place to save your marriage if that is what you want.

Soon you will have some responses from some very experienced folks who can give you plenty of good advice. Hang in there.

Hi KayKay, welcome to Marriage Builders. Sorry for the reasons that brought you here. I do have a couple of questions.

Are you married?

How long married?

How many children?

Is the OW married?

I am sorry

D day was in October of 10
I am sure that the affair is over because When she contacted "him" on facebook, I pretended to be him at first. I found out they had not seen eachother since they had sex. The one and only time.
The other woman IS married and had children at the time as well.
Thanks I am really hoping to repair my marriage but right now I am so lost feeling. (still over a year later)

Oh and, he doesn't go out at all (he works constantly and has only one day off which he DOES spend with us...) but, he has private emails and such and gets mad when I question him.

Yes I am married in August it will be 10 years. The affair was at our 2nd year anniversary but, I didn't find out until our 8 year anniversary .. mid as well have happened yesterday

We have 4 children
and the OW IS married (and in my last email to her told her I would tell her husband if she were to contact my husband again)

KayKay, thanks so much for answering our questions. The first thing I would do is quietly contact the OW's husband and tell him about the affair. This is critical in many aspects. It helps ensure your H and the OW don't contact each other again. It also helps lift your husband's fog. Your parents, his parents and your children over age 4 should be told all about the affair. Your husband can explain to them all why he risked their family for some skank.

And secondly, there has to be a PLAN to recover your marriage or you will have a future of uncertainty and resentment. Your husband must give you just compensation, beginning with honesty, in order to EARN your forgiveness. There are very specific steps for recovery after an affair and your H's attempts to sweep this under the rug will not suffice.

Please go read these 2 articles and then come back and give me your thoughts: Reqiurements for Recovery

Can't We Just Forgive and Forget?

Thanks for the clarification. In your case, even though the affair ended years ago, the OW has attempted to resume it so it is even more imperative to expose to her husband. Here is what Harley has written about such affairs:

When Should An Affair Be Exposed?

MelodyLane

My parents and his parents know about the affair... his family thinks the same way he does "he did it , he said he was sorry, get over it" (his dad has done it to his mom so, he sees nothing wrong I guess)
My mom does know.. she is angry but wants us to work it out for the sake of the kids
My kids I am SURE know , I do not know how they can live here and not know.
I did try and contact the husband but something happened. My husband make me fearful saying "what happens if he comes and kicks my ***"
this scared me , not that I care if he gets his booty kicked (he deserves it) but, I fear for my kids
I also am sad for their three kids. How can I be the one to tell him and let his three kids suffer how mine have ... it has been something I have battled for the past year.. to tell or not to tell .

KK,
I'm sorry for what is happening to you and for such a long time. As a WW, I can tell you that if he is keeping secret email accounts, etc. then he is still in touch with the skank.
It sounds to me like he has gone "deeper underground".

I also think that if you told POSOW's husband that he wouldn't want to kick your H's butt. I think he would be very thankful for the information. And if he does kick your H's butt it sounds like your H deserves it!

How can you continue to live like this? I understand the 4 kids dilemma. But you must put yourself first.

He has to tell you EVERYTHING (doesn't matter if it was 6 years ago) and he has to write skank a NC letter. This is crucial! He has to give up all his "secret" accounts. These are the only things that will get him out of the fog he's still in. He needs a good dose of reality.

You deserve to have your needs met. I really think he is still carrying on with skank (and if not with her then someone else). Waywards who ask for privacy are still in the affairs even if it is just emotional. Physical or not......it's still an affair!

Be strong and tell him he tells you everything, gives up passwords, etc. or he should get out and go make a live with skankville.

Hope this helps! Waywards's really are on drugs. The chemical pull is so strong!
Good Luck!

KK, I would set them down and tell them all about the affair and explain what you are doing to restore your marriage. Kids need straightforward facts or they often conclude they are the source of the problem. Tell them the OW's name so they will know who the enemy of their family is. Adultery affects children too, so they need to know the facts.


I would get ahold of him today and tell him all the affair. It is in your children's best interest for the OW's husband to know so he can watch from that end.


You would be doing those children and that betrayed husband a huge favor by telling him. If the BH knows what your H and his wife have done, he can protect himself and his children from your husband and his wife. Think of it like this, if his bookkeeper was stealing his money would you use this reasoning to not warn him that he was being harmed behind his back? Of course not.

And just think, wouldn't you have appreciated being informed of the affair years ago? Her husband has a right and a need to know. It is the secrecy and lies that harm childrens families, so telling this man will help him protect his children. Exposure benefits children as well as spouses.

You are really misunderstanding what it means to tell someone their spouce has cheated on them. You being a BS should know this if you just put a little thought into it.

What about your husbands affair has brought your marriage to its knees?
Is it the fact that you know about it, or the fact that the affair happened?

You need to notify the OW's husband about this affair, and the destruction that might follow in their family is not b/c you told the truth, but instead b/c of the affair and OW's dishonesty about said affair. It very well might just save their marriage.

p.s. apparently your husband and the OW are not too worried about an [censored] whipping or they wouldn't have had the affair in the first place. If they are not worried about it, then why should you?

And don't forewarn your husband of your exposure to the OW's husband!

Please read what Dr Harley says about a WS who gets angry when you want transparency:

here



Kaykay, I know that you are convinced this affair is over, but your husband is making it very obvious that there is still contact.

Do you have a keylogger on all of the home computers? Do not ask him for the password anymore.

How about his phone? What kind is it and is password locked?

Again, stop asking him about his SSL (secret second life), all you are doing is giving him an opportunity to gaslight you. Instead get snooping...

What is a Keylogger??? I can get on his phone and I do whenever it is laying around. I haven't found anything on it yet.


How do I find out all the codes? is there a thread somewhere?

What kind of phone does he have

I do not know what kind of phone it is.. it is through at&t... I am clueless when it comes to electronics

And this is what enables your WH to continue contact with OW. Your WH can have a secret email account and he could also be erasing his call/text log. Do you have access to the phone record?

Listen, you are going to have to become a super sleuth and this is going to need to be a priority. Waywards take affairs further underground all of the time and snooping is the only way for you to know what is REALLY going on.

Do you have a friend or family member that can come over to quietly look at your WH's phone and tell you what kind of model it is?

You need to put a keylogger on all your home computers/laptops. I believe eblaster is the type that is recommended.

You can go over to Operation Investigate to learn more/ask questions about the keyloggers and spyware for the phone...