Just wanted to get some feedback on the �moral� position of exposing cheating when the couple are not married, but live together.

Like many MBers, I would never sit back and let a married person suffer unwittingly if I knew their spouse was committing adultery. I would warn the betrayed spouse immediately, even if I did not personally know them. I would feel completely justified in doing this, and any remarks that it was �not my business� would not trouble me at all.

Is it still right to interfere if the couple are only living together? No vows are being broken, it is not adultery and for all I know they have an open relationship.

If there are children involved, I guess that makes it much more serious, because the cheating is threatening to break up a family.

The reason I ask is the more familiar I become with MB, the more often I see warning signs that someone is straying. I know quite a few cohabiting couples where one partner appears to have terrible boundaries. I am not in a position where I know of any cheating yet, but it is likely that I could be.

I have seen a few people on these boards say that anyone unmarried is free to keep their options open until they make that vow and commitment. I thought it made for an interesting MB debate.

What would you do?

I think in this case it really depends. For many couples that live together there is a reason that they haven't gotten married. One of the most obvious and common reasons:

one or both of them do not want the commitment, or are not sure that they will stay together forever.

That in itself has something to say about the relationship.


Although some people may differ, I alway think of it this way, if you see the car/motorbike/dress/xxx you have always dreamed of, you want to buy it and make it yours. You do not want to hire or lease it. Period.
On the other hand, if it is not 'all that'...

You're right, no vows are being broken. They're not married so it's not adultery. And no we don't know if they have an open relationship or not.

That said...in my dating days, there was the notion of exclusivity. Clinically I guess you'd call it serial monogamy. While I was in a relationship with a girlfriend, there was the understanding that we were exclusive - didn't date or have sex with anyone else for the duration of the relationship. Dating or having sex with anyone else was considered cheating.

I never saw any of my relationships as commitment-free. There was (at least) the commitment to not cheat on the other person. Obviously this is not the level of commitment you'd expect in a marriage - maybe more a handshake deal than a written and sworn contract would be a good way of putting it.

To answer your question: if it were me, I would say something to the betrayed party. If I were the betrayed party in such a relationship I would want something said to me. To my way of thinking, if you are someone's friend you have an obligation to warn them of something like that.

If you don't have proof, you don't say anything.

I was out to lunch with some girlfriends (way before MB, before I was even married) and saw another friend's boyfriend having lunch with another woman, and they looked quite cozy. So me and the girls decided to call our friend and told her what was going on. She showed up at the restaurant, sat down with us, and he looked over and saw her. He had already lied to her about his plans for the day, so she dumped him on the spot. The OW was horrified to learn that he had a girlfriend, so she dumped him, too.

I always tell the partner, whether married or dating or shacking up, if I see their SO cheating. Of course, works best if you can get the partner to see if for themselves, like my friend.

I view it the same as dating. If I had a girlfriend who was dating a guy and he was dating others, I would just make sure she knew about it. But people who are not married are pretty much free agents.

Even if people are dating and not living together.....the other person ought to know it is not exclusive.

I agree and that is what I stated. However, it is not the same thing as being married. An unmarried person is a free agent.