Marriage Builders®
Posted By: no_where_to_go i want my wife back. - 03/28/12 04:57 AM
I had been unhappy in my marraige for a long time. We never did anything together my wife was always complaining how she was tired of cooking diner, taking care of the kids etc. She was always stressed out about the usual everyday demands. I would come home and try to give her a kiss or a hug and she would not be interested. Our marraige was more work then going to work its self. I would ask her if she wanted to go out or do something but she was always to tierd or just didn't want to. Then she would complain how we didn't do anything. I love to be with my kids but i didn't want to be home. it was bruteal she never paid any attention to me and she was always stressed. I did all the dishes all the time I did my own laundry and everyone elses when i could. The house was always a disaster and my days off I always cleaned. She was never affectionate if I never kissed or hugged her we never have. We would go months without being intimate regularly. I was tired of a dead marraige. I thought about leaving for probably two years.
Then I started talking to one of my associates a female. This was probably about November. We would talk alot at work in the beginning. Then we started texting and talking on the phone a lot. One night we went out as friends and played pool for a little while. My wife found out and was pissed. Rightfully so i shouldn't have been talking to a female as much as I was. I didn't think it was that big of a deal. Then it was about Thanksgiving and her family started getting involved. So I asked my wife if we could stay home for Thanksgiving so we could spend time together with our kids. I told her I did not want to go to her parents house and be around them. My wife said that she could not stay home that she needed to go to her parents for Thanksgiving or her mom would be very upset. I told her that i would not go to her parents. I begged her to stay home so we could have Thanksgiving as a family but she still insisted on going. I stayed home alone. It was one of the worst days of my life I didn't even eat. It showed me her dedication to me and our marraige!!!
Through December I continued to talked to my female friend at work on and off. I was trying to see if their was anything left of my marraige and make it a good Christmas for the kids. going into January things at home werent any better. My wife wanted me out of the house. I then meet my female friend from work and talked about what was going on. My wife was pissed but I figured she wants me out so things are over for my marraige it doesn't matter anyway. I never had any kind of physical contact with her at this point. The next day I called a good friend who gave me his condo to stay at because I had no where to go. Then i went back to my house to find all the locks on the doors had been changed and all my stuff was in bags in the garage. that weekend I met up with my female friend and we went to my friends condo and we ended up hving sex. My marraige was over she wanted me out so I thought it didn't matter. My affair went on for a month. I ended the relationship because I missed my family so bad.That was on March 5th. I had come to relize that i did love my wife and I wanted our marraige to be great. I don't want it to be what it was i want it to be great!!!! I realize that i went about everything the wrong way. I should have figured out if my marraige was really over before I got involved with someone else. I never should have hurt my wife the way I did. I tryed taking the easy way out and I hurt a lot of really great people by doing so. My wife has gave me a list of whats important to her and things I neeed to do to help us get through this burden I have put on our marraige. I am all most done with it but she still struggles with the pain and I under stand its going to take time but I want my family back! I am still in my buddies condo lonely as can be and it is so painful being away from them. How can I help my wife get past this and rebuild my marraige and make it great like I know it can be? please help me!!!!
Posted By: Doing_better Re: i want my wife back. - 03/28/12 07:54 AM
Does your wife post on this site? What is her name?

If you could edit this to add paragraphs, it would help a lot and you would get more response. Thanks.
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 03/28/12 03:51 PM
I had been unhappy in my marraige for a long time. We never did anything together my wife was always complaining how she was tired of cooking diner, taking care of the kids etc. She was always stressed out about the usual everyday demands. I would come home and try to give her a kiss or a hug and she would not be interested. Our marraige was more work then going to work its self. I would ask her if she wanted to go out or do something but she was always to tierd or just didn't want to. Then she would complain how we didn't do anything. I love to be with my kids but i didn't want to be home. it was bruteal she never paid any attention to me and she was always stressed. I did all the dishes all the time I did my own laundry and everyone elses when i could. The house was always a disaster and my days off I always cleaned. She was never affectionate if I never kissed or hugged her we never have. We would go months without being intimate regularly. I was tired of a dead marraige. I thought about leaving for probably two years.

Then I started talking to one of my associates a female. This was probably about November. We would talk alot at work in the beginning. Then we started texting and talking on the phone a lot. One night we went out as friends and played pool for a little while. My wife found out and was pissed. Rightfully so i shouldn't have been talking to a female as much as I was. I didn't think it was that big of a deal. Then it was about Thanksgiving and her family started getting involved. So I asked my wife if we could stay home for Thanksgiving so we could spend time together with our kids. I told her I did not want to go to her parents house and be around them. My wife said that she could not stay home that she needed to go to her parents for Thanksgiving or her mom would be very upset. I told her that i would not go to her parents. I begged her to stay home so we could have Thanksgiving as a family but she still insisted on going. I stayed home alone. It was one of the worst days of my life I didn't even eat. It showed me her dedication to me and our marraige!!!

Through December I continued to talked to my female friend at work on and off. I was trying to see if their was anything left of my marraige and make it a good Christmas for the kids. going into January things at home werent any better. My wife wanted me out of the house. I then meet my female friend from work and talked about what was going on. My wife was pissed but I figured she wants me out so things are over for my marraige it doesn't matter anyway. I never had any kind of physical contact with her at this point. The next day I called a good friend who gave me his condo to stay at because I had no where to go. Then i went back to my house to find all the locks on the doors had been changed and all my stuff was in bags in the garage. that weekend I met up with my female friend and we went to my friends condo and we ended up hving sex. My marraige was over she wanted me out so I thought it didn't matter. My affair went on for a month. I ended the relationship because I missed my family so bad.That was on March 5th. I had come to relize that i did love my wife and I wanted our marraige to be great. I don't want it to be what it was i want it to be great!!!! I realize that i went about everything the wrong way. I should have figured out if my marraige was really over before I got involved with someone else. I never should have hurt my wife the way I did. I tryed taking the easy way out and I hurt a lot of really great people by doing so.

My wife has gave me a list of whats important to her and things I neeed to do to help us get through this burden I have put on our marraige. I am all most done with it but she still struggles with the pain and I under stand its going to take time but I want my family back! I am still in my buddies condo lonely as can be and it is so painful being away from them. How can I help my wife get past this and rebuild my marraige and make it great like I know it can be? please help me!!!!
Posted By: pokerface Re: i want my wife back. - 03/28/12 04:17 PM
Originally Posted By: kiss

Then I started talking to one of my associates a female.


Kiss. The first thing you will have to do is quit that job and commit to no contact for life with OW.

Then HANDWRITE a NCL (no contact letter) to OW and give to your BW to approve and mail to the OW. Here is what the letter should say:



OW,

The relationship I had with you was thoughtless and cruel. It hurt many people, particularly my spouse, who did not deserve to be treated that way. I am committed to my marriage and determined to make up for all the hurt I've caused my family.

Because of the terrible offense to my spouse and the damage I have done to our marriage, I am permanently ending all contact with you. Please respect my wish to regain my integrity, and to heal my family. Please also respect my wish that you not attempt to contact me in any way at any time.

My spouse has all the details of our relationship and she will also be told of any attempts at contact.

Sincerely,
kss


These are your first steps. Are you willing to quit that job? I don't think your BW will have any interest in taking you back until you can do at least that.

I also see many justifications for your behaviour that all point to your wife. Stop that. You had an affair because YOU CHOSE to have an affair.
Posted By: pokerface Re: i want my wife back. - 03/28/12 04:32 PM
Originally Posted By: kiss
I begged her to stay home so we could have Thanksgiving as a family but she still insisted on going. I stayed home alone. It was one of the worst days of my life I didn't even eat. It showed me her dedication to me and our marraige!!!


Why couldn't you go and have a Thanksgiving Meal "as a family" at her parents? It sounds like you didn't want to face the consequences of your own behaviour because her family was getting involved.

This is the stuff that will only anger your BW and make her more determined to divorce you.

You need to start taking responsibility for your choices in life.

Do you have the book Surviving an Affair?
Posted By: 2wanda Re: i want my wife back. - 03/30/12 02:23 AM
OK, I am new to this board and have been reading the threads for several weeks now learning to deal with some of my own marriage issues so I am not an expert by any means, but really? I just don't know why more of the vets haven't called you out on this nonsense. Do you really want help saving your marriage? If so why haven't you replied to pokerface?

How long have you been married? How many children? What are their ages?
Posted By: pokerface Re: i want my wife back. - 03/30/12 02:32 AM
2wanda. First time posters often do not get many posts until they come back after their initial post. It is not uncommon for a poster to run after their first post when they see what is really required in recovery.

I think Kiss may have been looking for a forum to validate him and did not find it here. No he does not seem to be serious.

Are you going to start a thread of your own? Welcome.
Posted By: 2wanda Re: i want my wife back. - 03/30/12 02:56 AM
Thank you for the welcome, pf. I just may.
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 03/30/12 04:16 AM
We have four kids two are hers previously and we have two together. A 5 year old boy and a 7 year old girl. I have changed locations and I have already wrote the letter.
Posted By: pokerface Re: i want my wife back. - 03/30/12 01:36 PM
Originally Posted By: kiss
We have four kids two are hers previously and we have two together. A 5 year old boy and a 7 year old girl. I have changed locations and I have already wrote the letter.


Ok. You are back. When did you write the letter and what did you say? Did you give it to your BW to mail? I'm asking because if the letter was not worded correctly...it will only anger your BW.

Who has the affair been exposed to? Is OW married?

Are you familiar with EP (extra-ordinary precautions)?

Are you serious about trying to save this?
Posted By: Neak Re: i want my wife back. - 03/30/12 04:13 PM
If you're serious, we can help you. It will require time and commitment on your part, and a willingness to make fundamental changes in the way you've lived your life. In return, you have the chance for a M that is more wonderful than you ever dreamed of.

As part of your reading, feel free to read my story. There is plenty to learn from how my then-WH responded at first, during our false recovery, and the change when he was really serious about saving our family.
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 04/02/12 03:00 AM
my wife is on this thing and she told me what the letter should say. I gave it to her. Everyone knowshat happened. yes I am familiar with the EP and I am very serious about this.
Posted By: Neak Re: i want my wife back. - 04/02/12 03:07 AM
Which other EP's have you met? They all need to be done, in order to be effective.
Posted By: zibbles Re: i want my wife back. - 04/02/12 05:00 PM
It's great that you want your wife back. It's also going to require hard work and focus. I'm a former wayward wife so I recognize the stuff in your first post about how unhappy you were in your marriage, and how many needs of yours were going unmet.

It's time to put that aside and focus on the damage YOU'VE created in your marriage by having an affair. Playing the victim and acting like somehow you were forced into an affair because of terrible unhappiness is not going to fly and it's not in your best interest.

The path back to your marriage will require you to wake up see how entitled you are to think you had an excuse to go get your rocks off and betray your wife and family in doing so.

What you've done is damaging in a way you can't possibly understand yet but it's time to start waking up. What are you willing to do to make this up to your wife, your kids and your families? Put aside whatever you think has gone wrong for YOU and focus on others.

I don't see much remorse in you. Are you here and willing to get to work because you might have a shot if you can take the focus off your selfishness and your justifications long enough to see how much harm you've caused. Address that now and start putting in place the conditions that will protect you from your own bad behavior from here on out.

I say this as one who's walked this path. It's not easy to let go of the story you created to help justify your selfishness but it is absolutely vital and if you can't do it, this isn't going to work.
Posted By: maritalbliss Re: i want my wife back. - 04/02/12 11:30 PM
Originally Posted By: kiss
my wife is on this thing and she told me what the letter should say. I gave it to her. Everyone knowshat happened. yes I am familiar with the EP and I am very serious about this.
Do you mean your wife has been on this site? Is she posting here?
Posted By: pokerface Re: i want my wife back. - 04/03/12 02:29 PM
Originally Posted By: kiss
my wife is on this thing and she told me what the letter should say. I gave it to her. Everyone knowshat happened. yes I am familiar with the EP and I am very serious about this.


kiss, if your wife has asked you to come here for help, then why don't you stick around and have a dialog with us... if you are serious.

A truly remorseful WS will do whatever it takes.

MB has a proven plan to help earn back the trust and rebuild the romantic love. It works...but you have to become an active participant.
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 04/04/12 02:34 AM
neak, I have given my wife access to my cell phone records and bank account info. I do not have any contact with the other female. Can you give me more examples of your EP's to assist me.
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 04/04/12 02:46 AM
Zibbles,
I do realize now what you said about my post. I do realize the aweful things I have done to my wife and family. I think about the pain I have caused her and the burden I carry is very heavy. I think about it constantly and cry several times a day. I miss my family miserably. I have been trying to be with my wife every second I can and when we are together it is great. Of course we have our ups and downs as she has a tough time dealing with it. All I want to do is be with her and hold her. I believe that she is unsure if she wants to be with me. I feel like she is o.k. with seeing each other just a couple days a week at best. She says all the time she loves me but I dont believe it. She has made little attempt to want to be with me and I feel that I am an inconveniance at this point. How did you recover your marraige and how did you get through the beginning pains and start to rebuild?
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 04/04/12 02:58 AM
pokerface,
sorry for not responding. I'm not a big computer person and I have never used anythig like this at all. The only thing I do on line is Ebay. I am commiting to checking in at least once a day!! The reason I did not go to Thanksgiving with my wife is because her parents house is very crazy and their is a lot of negativity their. I wanted to have a quite Thanksgiving and be able to do things with my kids. My inlaws house is very tight and not a lot to do. I really wanted time to cook and be with my wife to try to enjoy each others company instead of wondering how long until we could leave. I love my wife and am so pissed at my self that it took me screwing up to realize it.
Posted By: 2wanda Re: i want my wife back. - 04/04/12 03:35 AM
"The reason I did not go to Thanksgiving with my wife is because her parents house is very crazy and their is a lot of negativity their" Would you care to explain? What type of negativity? Or was it actually that you knew that they knew and certainly did not approve, so it is actually that you were ashamed and embarrassed to face them that you did not want to go?
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 04/04/12 03:44 AM
No it wasnt anything like that their was nothing going on at that time. I had conversations with this other female coworker but nothing was going on we just had a lot of issues at the time and we had no conversation for almost a month. Her parents house is tight the living room is 10x15 and seven people live their already. so when we go their with our for kids and her brothers girl friend is their their is no were to sit and just not a comfortable setting. Her mother I believe has always been a very negative affect on my wife as she is not a positive person. Her sister inlaw is bipoller and I dont believe I have ever seen her andher husband every really have a conversation in the 14 years I have known them. Just a lot of tension all the time.
Posted By: 2wanda Re: i want my wife back. - 04/04/12 03:56 AM
Lots of homes are crowded on hoildays, especially when big families are involved. What makes you feel that your mother in law has a negative effect on your wife? How so? Would it have been okay if the family had come to your house for the holiday?
Posted By: 2wanda Re: i want my wife back. - 04/04/12 04:15 AM
You said your wife had given you a list. What was on the list and how many have you completed?
Posted By: Neak Re: i want my wife back. - 04/04/12 02:55 PM
That's my question, too. What exactly has your BW already asked of you? Please do not omit anything.

Once we have that, we can figure out if there are other areas still needing to be addressed.
Posted By: pokerface Re: i want my wife back. - 04/04/12 05:49 PM

Kiss. Here is what you said in your first post about not wanting to go to Thanksgiving:
Originally Posted By: kiss
Then it was about Thanksgiving and her family started getting involved.


Then you changed it to this:


Originally Posted By: kiss
pokerface,
sorry for not responding...
The reason I did not go to Thanksgiving with my wife is because her parents house is very crazy and their is a lot of negativity their. I wanted to have a quite Thanksgiving and be able to do things with my kids. My inlaws house is very tight and not a lot to do. I really wanted time to cook and be with my wife to try to enjoy each others company instead of wondering how long until we could leave. I love my wife and am so pissed at my self that it took me screwing up to realize it.



Why not just admit that you were not ready to face your BW family? Are you ready now?

Owning up to your actions and facing them will go far with your BW. Have you thought about apologizing to her parents for cheating on their daughter...with no if, and, or but in your apology?
Posted By: Northwood8900 Re: i want my wife back. - 04/04/12 08:32 PM
Originally Posted By: kiss
neak, I have given my wife access to my cell phone records and bank account info. I do not have any contact with the other female. Can you give me more examples of your EP's to assist me.


Hey kiss (keep it simple stupid or the band?)

When was the last time you talked to OW?
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 04/07/12 05:30 AM
my mother in law is all ways negative she never has anything good to say about anyone. She is always talking badly about everyone. From her family,co-workers, her daughter in law, even her own husband. No I wanted it to just be us. We really could have used the time to spend with each other and our kids
Posted By: maritalbliss Re: i want my wife back. - 04/07/12 02:48 PM
Originally Posted By: kiss
my mother in law is all ways negative she never has anything good to say about anyone. She is always talking badly about everyone. From her family,co-workers, her daughter in law, even her own husband. No I wanted it to just be us. We really could have used the time to spend with each other and our kids
Kiss, what is your wife requiring of you in order to recover your marriage? What have you done so far? You say you 'changed locations' in your job. Is there even a remote possibility that you can have contact with OW in your current location?

Please respond to the other poster regarding the NC letter. What, exactly, did it say? Did your wife see it, approve of it, and mail it? Or did you just tell her that you had done it?

Is OW married?

Where are you currently living?
Posted By: Neak Re: i want my wife back. - 04/07/12 08:48 PM
By "remote possibility of contact", I would also include a company-wide email that is sent to both of you. You don't even need to see her name on a list, as that will trigger those portions of your mind connected with your adultery.

I find it hard to believe you could be in a far enough part of the company to really be sure of NC.
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 04/09/12 03:23 AM
I have all the respect in the world for my father in law. I do not want any contact with my mother in law now or ever. I have been thinking about taking my father in law out to lunch to talk. But im just not ready yet. I have a lot of doubts about whats going to happen with my wife.
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 04/09/12 03:25 AM
Its kiss the band. The last time I talked to the other woman was on march 5th.
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 04/09/12 03:48 AM
my wifes list:
immediate things to do:
1 change cell# or block other womans calls
DONE blocked calls
2 she wanted a copy of the keys to my car and condo
DONE gave her copies of both
3 give her account # and online access to bank account
DONE
4 allow her custody of kids
NO CHANCE IN HELL if we are trying to work on this and trying to work things out you do not go to court. She is doing this to be able to control the kids over me. I work different days of the week and weekends and my hours change every day. so if the court gives me set days then I am screwed and she knows that.

to start on:
1 owning my choices to myself, wife, kids and family
STARTED I have owned up to my wife and my family know what has happened I have not talked to my step kids or her family. I don't want to talk to my step kids about it and build up a false hope when I have no idea where this is going.
2 appologize for the affair to the same people
NOT DONE YET
3 begin independent counseling
DONE I go weekly started 3 weeks ago
4 participate in marraige counceling
still working on we are going to see my counseler together on 4/12
5 attend church
done we started going as a family
6 STD test
going this week

This is to follow the no contact letter that she told me what to write that I gave her and she mailed out.

there was an addition list of forever things that would help her deal with trust and feeling security.

The other woman is not married.

THANKS, KISS
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 04/09/12 04:07 AM
Not rreally happy right now actually really pissed. I have been trying to be with my wife every second we can be together. I text her constantly and I feel that things have been great. She let me in her house last night. Witch was the first time we have been spending a lot of time shopping and just hanging out at my buddies condo. But last night we cuddled on the coach for a while then I layed in our bed and held her until about 4:30 am nothing sexual I just held her allnight it was great. Then this morning (Easter sunday) she came over early with the kids. I made breakfast and we just had fun. Then I had to work. She came over later on around 9:30. We just sat on the coach watching T.V. and I held her and rubbed her feet. Then I asked her what she had going on this week. She brings up that she has to go to court!!!! We have a child support hearing on Thursday. I was pissed (still am) How is going to court for child support and custady us working on getting back together. To me it means that its over. I give her $600 every two weeks and I have been. This is a huge deal to me. I do not feel this is a positive thing at all and have thought about us being done. To me this is a power move on her part. She will be able to have power of controling the kids over me. I work different days every week and my hours change everyday. So if the courts say that I get the kids on Tuesdays and Sundays like how she wants I will never see my kids and she can tell me tough [censored]! then what? I have no idea how she thinks this is a good thing at the point we are now! I look at this as a real kick in the nuts. I really don't think I can get past this if we go to court. It shows no real commitment on working thing out on her end.
Posted By: Itispossible Re: i want my wife back. - 04/09/12 04:16 AM
**edit**
Posted By: zibbles Re: i want my wife back. - 04/09/12 04:26 AM
Listen up, man. You had an affair and acted completely unremorseful for quite some time. You let your wife move away and lifted hardly a finger to work things out.

How do I know this? I followed her story on here.

It's going to take time to win her trust back. This is not a hostile move, it's a smart one on her part since you've proved recently that you are unreliable, uneven and not fit to be in charge of your family.

I say be agreeable and put your own fears aside. focus on your wife and children and accommodating their needs. You have A LOT to make up for and if this manouver is enough to spook you away from recovery then I have to question your stamina.

You caused all of this. Suck it up and make it right or let the poor woman move on in peace.
Posted By: Itispossible Re: i want my wife back. - 04/09/12 04:30 AM
**edit**

Posted By: zibbles Re: i want my wife back. - 04/09/12 04:33 AM
Kiss is a fogged out wayward husband who's caused tons of drama and false hope for his wife. Even his attitude here is one of entitlement and 'poor me.'

He's shown very little remorse, in fact he seems inconvenienced by what it's going to take to recover.

I had an affair too, and sometimes the wayward needs some tough love to snap out of the selfishness and get to work. THAT is the support I'm offering him and I hope he will take it.
Posted By: Neak Re: i want my wife back. - 04/09/12 04:39 AM
Your BW is very weak. Since she is not willing to raise the bar very high for you, it's up to you to raise it high for yourself. For starters, even though she said change numbers *or* block the OW, in reality you should do both. An OW with an IQ above plankton can figure out to call from other phones that aren't blocked.

Your resentment chip on your shoulder is almost overwhelming. In all honesty, this comes from BW letting you have contact with her before you're totally ready. Your remorse is underwhelming, and about all that comes through is 'poor me'. Nope, doesn't work.

Spend a good chunk of time learning what horrors you put your BW through, and what agony you bear full responsibility for. Let some remorse develop. You're not repentant yet, or your whole attitude would be different than it is.

You can put your family back together. It will involve strength, consistency, and a true sorrow for what you have done to them - not just the parts that continue to affect you. There's plenty of hope for your M, but one of you will have to be strong. Your BW has made clear that it's not going to be her. That leaves....

...you.
Posted By: Fireproof Re: i want my wife back. - 04/09/12 04:40 AM
A warning to posters that the purpose of this forum is to help posters with Marriage Builders concepts. It is not to promote personal philosophies. Please familiarize yourself with MB before posting!
Posted By: Itispossible Re: i want my wife back. - 04/09/12 04:43 AM
**edit**

Moderators note: familiarize yourself with our TOS and the MB program before posting to those in need. This forum is not the platform for sharing personal philosophies.
Posted By: Itispossible Re: i want my wife back. - 04/09/12 04:53 AM
**edit**
Posted By: Fireproof Re: i want my wife back. - 04/09/12 04:59 AM
Do not disrupt this thread again!
Posted By: NeverGuessed Re: i want my wife back. - 04/09/12 12:21 PM
Hmmm, someone seems intent on breaking my "zapped" record!

IIP: I tried to find your story, to assist you in your evident mis-understanding of the MB principles and what we try to do here. Would you consider initiating a thread to help us help you?
Posted By: Northwood8900 Re: i want my wife back. - 04/09/12 02:07 PM
Originally Posted By: kiss
I don't want to talk to my step kids about it and build up a false hope when I have no idea where this is going.


Where do you want this marriage to go?
Posted By: zibbles Re: i want my wife back. - 04/09/12 05:26 PM
Kiss,

You asked me earlier on this thread how I recovered my marriage. We're still working on it. Every day. And what I've realized is that there's no fix, just more focus on meeting my husband's needs and applying radical honesty and POJA. And limiting lovebusters, like independent behavior, disrespectful judgments and angry outbursts. We are falling back in love again slowly because we are working the program.

I also shored up my non existent boundaries around men. No more friendships with men...no internet interaction, etc. I want to be in love with my husband and I want my kids to grow up feeling safe, loved and protected in a real family. This is more important to me then my petty gripes about my husband and my sad need to be admired by some loser dude willing to give it to a married woman.

We're a work in progress but one thing that helped me a lot was realizing I went into the marriage with a renter's attitude. I wanted things to be easy and did the least amount I could get away with to keep things going. I built up a lot of resentment as I drifted from my husband when our kids were small and things were stressful. I started building a case against my spouse about why I 'deserved' more. Disgusting.

My EA was pathetic and it blew up when the OM found a local woman to shag and then told me all about his new 'soul mate.' The horror I felt when I realized I was just some toy for a dude who was looking for entertainment snapped me right out of my fog.

I was lucky it played out this way because I was very vulnerable to 'falling in love' with him and ending up in his bed and babbling something about it being fate that we ended up together.

When wayward, WE DON'T THINK STRAIGHT. We think it's all about us and our needs. If you seriously want to recover, you better get your head in the game because it's hard work. It gets more and more effortless as the feelings of love grow and that is the blessing here.

You can do this but first you have got to see your part in this. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. It's something you will someday look back on and be horrified by (hopefully). Stop being angry that these changes are happening to you and do what you can to make things right. You have a chance to be the husband you promised to be on your wedding day but it can't begin until you stop seeing yourself as the victim here.

I'm pulling for you.
Posted By: maritalbliss Re: i want my wife back. - 04/09/12 10:44 PM
Originally Posted By: NeverGuessed
Hmmm, someone seems intent on breaking my "zapped" record!

IIP: I tried to find your story, to assist you in your evident mis-understanding of the MB principles and what we try to do here. Would you consider initiating a thread to help us help you?
Oh, heck - there's no WAY I'm gonna let THAT happen! Go ahead, NG, say one word that's TOS-able - I am totally ready to notify. I've got your back, buddy! rotflmao

Yes, IIP, do tell. We would be interested to hear your story.
Posted By: HerPapaBear Re: i want my wife back. - 04/09/12 10:58 PM
Originally Posted By: kiss
... Then I asked her what she had going on this week. She brings up that she has to go to court!!!! We have a child support hearing on Thursday. I was pissed (still am) How is going to court for child support and custady us working on getting back together. To me it means that its over.


You somehow expect her to drop her legal action???

Really???

You have demonstrated what a great husband you can be for what??? several hours??? maybe a few days???

and this equals what???

Trust ME???

NOT A CHANCE!


Until you can demonstrate that you are safe and willing to do whatever it takes... She needs the insurance and safety the courts have to offer.

Please realize that recovery is a marathon, not a 50 yard dash. It's going to take a great deal of actions and consistency on your part over the long haul!

So get over yourself and get back to work on meeting her requirements, OK!
Posted By: Scotland Re: i want my wife back. - 04/10/12 01:28 AM
Kiss, there is only one way that I would suggest that your BW consider dropping the court dates, and that would be if you would agree to everything she is asking for regarding child visitation, and child support, in writing, legally binding, and in her favour.

Why should you do this? Because you betrayed her, and you destroyed your marriage with your actions.

Now, how can we help you fix your marriage?

Have you read everything you can on this site?

Have you did EVERYTHING to ensure NC with this OW? Have you ensured that you are safe for your BW by insisting on EPs YOURSELF and working towards having an affair proof marriage?
Posted By: Neak Re: i want my wife back. - 04/10/12 04:44 AM
Your silence makes me wonder just how serious you are about saving your M.

When you're serious, you leave no stone unturned. You do anything and everything that might help, including talking to a bunch of strangers on an internet board, who claim they are able to help you.

We claim it, because we ARE able to help you.
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 04/14/12 02:49 AM
I understand now why we had to go to court for the child support hearing. It was so she had reassurance. We had our hearing yesterday and we agreed on everything. I also went for the STD test she wanted. We spent the entire day together. It was painful at times but it was a great day. I truely love my wife and im willing to do what ever it takes to win her back.
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 04/14/12 03:19 AM
zibbles,
Thanks for your story it deffinity helps. I am trying to see every situation from her side and give her the reassurance and stability that she needs. I am trying to help rebuild our friendship,trust and marriage.
We have been trying to focus on time with the kids but what is different now is that I feel that we are both so focused on each others needs. I feel that this is something that has been nonexistant for a long time if ever in our marriage before.
I am truely in love with my wife and willing to do what ever it takes. She is a remarkable woman and I hate being away from her. I now charish every moment with her. When im away from her im filled with overwhelming anticipation of seeing her and holding her the next time.

Thanks again for your help and support.
KISS
Posted By: Surfer88 Re: i want my wife back. - 04/14/12 03:23 AM
Really Kiss? Such as...what exactly?

Would you list?
Posted By: Surfer88 Re: i want my wife back. - 04/14/12 03:29 AM
Ens? And exactly how you are meeting them? And, what are your wife's requirements to recover your M?

Your words are nice...what are you doing?
Posted By: Surfer88 Re: i want my wife back. - 04/14/12 03:35 AM
Kiss, you do not try. You do. Period. List what you're doing right now.
Posted By: Neak Re: i want my wife back. - 04/14/12 05:05 AM
I apologize if I've mentioned this before, but if you read the first few pages of my story, linked below, you will see very clearly the difference between AJ before, and AJ after.

During the first, failed recovery, he simply wanted his own pain to stop.

During the second, successful recovery, he hit rock bottom, truly repented, and it changed every thought pattern and every action. He also cared more about healing my pain that he had caused, than whatever he suffered at his own hand.

You're not there yet, but I have lots of hope that you'll get there in the future.
Posted By: Logans_Run Re: i want my wife back. - 04/14/12 03:11 PM
Originally Posted By: kiss
I understand now why we had to go to court for the child support hearing. It was so she had reassurance. We had our hearing yesterday and we agreed on everything. I also went for the STD test she wanted. We spent the entire day together. It was painful at times but it was a great day. I truely love my wife and im willing to do what ever it takes to win her back.


You dont win her back, you EARN her back. Words are nice but they are hollow and mean nothing. Actions, EP and just compensation.
Posted By: zibbles Re: i want my wife back. - 04/15/12 06:28 PM
Good job Kiss. You are starting to take some small steps. I want to emphasize small because I still get the sense that you have no idea of how much destruction you've caused here. It's very painful to face that. VERY PAINFUL.

You're going to have to make major adjustments in your lifestyle, the way you think about your marriage and family and in how you see yourself. It's not going to be easy and you've barely scratched the surface.

Show us what you've working on here. What extraordinary precautions are you putting into place? How are you offering your wife just compensation?

Healing from infidelity and creating a better marriage is not like a light switch that you just turn on and assume it's all better. It's a whole new way of being...a new way of thinking and behaving and it takes time and dedication.

I get the feeling you don't really get it yet but I am glad to see you trying. KEEP GOING and keep an eye on the part of you that wants to feel sorry for yourself as this is completely and totally unacceptable.
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 04/20/12 08:20 PM
Yesterday I went to marriage counseling with my wife and she continues to say that we arent going anywhere because I havent been able to go on this web site and post. I have been doing everything we she asks other wise. I am not one to read or use a computer much. She says how important this is to her so I do try to put something on here but half the time I have no idea what to post. Should this be like face book am I supposed to use this like a diary? Not that I even use face book or even know really what it is. I try to make her feel secure constantly and im always trying to spend time with her and make her happy.
Everything else seems to be very good. We have been going to the movies,spending family time together and having fun. I just don't know how to continue to move forward? I have no problem going to see a counseler and talking about our issues and what we are working on. I am willing to do anything to make her feel secure and I want to build her trust back in me.
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: i want my wife back. - 04/20/12 08:25 PM
Your wife probably wants you to answer the questions that people post to you on here.
Can you drop the MC and call the coaching center here?
Posted By: Neak Re: i want my wife back. - 04/20/12 09:39 PM
It may be more per session, but you'll need way fewer appointments to accomplish the same thing.
Posted By: Scotland Re: i want my wife back. - 04/21/12 01:19 AM
Originally Posted By: Neak
It may be more per session, but you'll need way fewer appointments to accomplish the same thing.


And it will be much more effective.

If your BW tells you that you posting on MB is important to her, make every effort.

Have you read all of the info on this site? Have you read SAA, HNHN, LB? Do you have any questions on how to help your BW?

How many hours of UA time are you two getting every week? How is RH, POJA, etc going? HAve you filled out the EN questionnaire?

Traditional marriage counseling is flawed, especially when it comes to saving a marriage from adultery. MB is your BEST chance at saving your marriage, it you're willing to do the work.
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: i want my wife back. - 04/21/12 07:06 PM
Can you call the radio show and talk to Dr. H? Your wife had her question answered on the show on Friday. How about you write to Dr. H because he is always looking for the other spouse to give their side? Can you drop the MC and call the coaching center?

Here are some good reads for you.
Requirements for Recovery from An Affair
EP's
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 04/22/12 04:02 AM
Brainhurts,
when you said drop the MC what are you talking about? I dont understand.

Thanks,
KISS
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: i want my wife back. - 04/22/12 04:12 AM
To call the MB coaching center Coaching center

At the very least use this by Dr. Harley How to find a good marriage counselor

What about you, yourself write the radio show? I know your wife's question was on Fridays show.
Posted By: Everthesame Re: i want my wife back. - 04/22/12 04:15 AM
kiss- abbreviations are here:

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1984040#Post1984040

MC- marriage counseling
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 04/22/12 04:23 AM
Scotland,
sorry for my ignorance but I have no idea what all of your abbreviations mean. Can you please give me a little more direction.
We have seen two other counselers before. It wasn't very helpful. The counselore are seeing now I think is very good. She asks questions and gets us to talk. I don't think that the marriage counciling will help totally deal with my affair. I don't disagree with you on that. But I do believe that she helps us talk about it and she is helping us deal with all the issues we had prior and she has helped me see what I need to improve on to make it a lot better.
We have been spending a lot of time together. I would say about 20 hours a week at least. We stay at each others place twice a week. I miss holding her every night. It is tough I have never lived alone before in my life. The past three months have been tough. I hate being away from her.

Thanks,
KISS
Posted By: HerPapaBear Re: i want my wife back. - 04/22/12 02:23 PM
Hi Kiss,

I'm encouraged to see you're still posting.

I'm curious, and have a few questions for you.

What kind of marriage do you want?

What kind of a marriage does your wife deserve?

What kind of marriage do you deserve?
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 04/23/12 01:44 PM
herpapabear,

(MY WIFE READS ALL OF MY POSTS SO I FEEL THAT I HAVE TO WATCH WHAT I POST BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO UPSET HER OR MAKE HER MAD. I feel that me posting is more for her then me because I have to watch what I post and have to hold some of my feelings or thoughts back. So i'm not sure how she will feel about some of this.)
I want us to be best friends. I don't believe that marriage should just be something that you need to do or just another step in a persons life process. I want us to want to spend every second together. When we have to leave each other we are filled with anticipation for the next time that we can see each other. We have been talking about each others expectations of marriage.
My parents are best friends they never go anywhere without one another. Every time my mother has to go to the store my father takes her. They have always worked together. I am 35 and never seen my parents fight. People tell me all the time how cute my parents are and how great they are together.
My wife's parents are not like that. I don't think that they do that much together at all. It seems like my father in law does a lot to keep my mother in law from complaining. I don't see the closeness or joy of being together.
I just think that we come from two totally different situations. I don't believe that my wife wants to be like her parents. I just believe that some times she just forgets about what she really expects out of our marriage. I have done a very poor job the last couple of years of trying to get her and my self on track trying to making this the great marriage we both expect and deserve.
I know with all my heart this could be a great marriage one that people are jealous of and people wonder how do we have such a perfect marriage and friendship. We need to be focused and committed to putting 110% into each other and not becoming complacent. My wife is the greatest thing that has happened to me. I love her more then life its self. I want this to be the most amazing marriage ever we both deserve it.

THANKS,
KISS
Posted By: Neak Re: i want my wife back. - 04/23/12 02:23 PM
Your BW needs to not read your posts. She can trust us to say what must be said, but until you're farther along, the two of you should not read each other's posts.
Posted By: pokerface Re: i want my wife back. - 04/23/12 02:41 PM
Originally Posted By: Neak
Your BW needs to not read your posts. She can trust us to say what must be said, but until you're farther along, the two of you should not read each other's posts.


Kiss. Your BW needs to know that you "get it."

Recovery is a long road. Take all the help you can get from MB because we "get it" and the many good people here can point you in the right direction.

We have been there and MB saved our own marriages. We are still here because we want to pass it forward like others did for us.



Posted By: Neak Re: i want my wife back. - 04/23/12 06:31 PM
If she is not reading your posts during early R, but sees you starting to defog and working the steps of R, she'll know you're getting it.

When she sees you are fully accountable for all time and money spent, and are not grudgingly willing but actually GLAD to have every area of your life open and transparent, she'll know you're getting it.

When she sees you making the effort to discover and effectively meet her EN's, she'll know you're getting it.

There are so many things you can do to make amends. You can never make it unhappen, but you can, by your actions, show that an A will never happen again.
Posted By: HerPapaBear Re: i want my wife back. - 04/23/12 06:58 PM
Originally Posted By: kiss
herpapabear,

(MY WIFE READS ALL OF MY POSTS SO I FEEL THAT I HAVE TO WATCH WHAT I POST BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO UPSET HER OR MAKE HER MAD. I feel that me posting is more for her then me because I have to watch what I post and have to hold some of my feelings or thoughts back. So i'm not sure how she will feel about some of this.)
I want us to be best friends. I don't believe that marriage should just be something that you need to do or just another step in a persons life process. I want us to want to spend every second together. When we have to leave each other we are filled with anticipation for the next time that we can see each other. We have been talking about each others expectations of marriage.
My parents are best friends they never go anywhere without one another. Every time my mother has to go to the store my father takes her. They have always worked together. I am 35 and never seen my parents fight. People tell me all the time how cute my parents are and how great they are together.
My wife's parents are not like that. I don't think that they do that much together at all. It seems like my father in law does a lot to keep my mother in law from complaining. I don't see the closeness or joy of being together.
I just think that we come from two totally different situations. I don't believe that my wife wants to be like her parents. I just believe that some times she just forgets about what she really expects out of our marriage. I have done a very poor job the last couple of years of trying to get her and my self on track trying to making this the great marriage we both expect and deserve.
I know with all my heart this could be a great marriage one that people are jealous of and people wonder how do we have such a perfect marriage and friendship. We need to be focused and committed to putting 110% into each other and not becoming complacent. My wife is the greatest thing that has happened to me. I love her more then life its self. I want this to be the most amazing marriage ever we both deserve it.

THANKS,
KISS



Well, um, that was flowery and all, but you still haven't answered my questions. You danced around them!

I appreciate the analysis of your parents and In-laws marriages, but it's irrelevant to your marriage and to my questions.


This part though....
Originally Posted By: Kiss
MY WIFE READS ALL OF MY POSTS SO I FEEL THAT I HAVE TO WATCH WHAT I POST BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO UPSET HER OR MAKE HER MAD.


Very telling!

You admit that you're not willing to be honest about your thoughts and feelings.

My wife would have handed me my a$$ for such a statement. I'm betting your wife will be none to happy either.


If you are on the forums for her, then the least you could do is prove it by being honest and transparent.

And for the record, my wife followed my posts very closely to make sure my words were lining up with my actions. And it was a very wise thing for her to do!
Good grief man, what do you think you can say on this forum that is any worse than betraying your wife IRL with another woman?? <shaking my head>




Posted By: BrainHurts Re: i want my wife back. - 04/24/12 05:07 AM
An excellent radio clip from Dr. Harley on what a wayward husband needs to do to follow a path and to help his wife recover from his affair, following EP's and transparency.

Radio clip on what a WH needs to do to help his wife recover from his affair
Posted By: markos Re: i want my wife back. - 04/24/12 06:46 PM
BrainHurts, I don't know if anybody has thanked you yet for going around posting all these radio clips, but THANK YOU! You are doing just what I always wished I could do. smile
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: i want my wife back. - 04/24/12 08:20 PM
Originally Posted By: markos
BrainHurts, I don't know if anybody has thanked you yet for going around posting all these radio clips, but THANK YOU! You are doing just what I always wished I could do. smile

You're welcome. I sometimes wonder if anyone is listening because there is such little response and the radio show is such an excellent tool to hear from the good Doctor himself.
Posted By: HerPapaBear Re: i want my wife back. - 04/25/12 02:05 AM
Kiss,

Your wife say's you don't want to post anymore!

Giving up already?

This was one of your wife's simplest requirements and you're giving up already?

What's up with that?
Posted By: maritalbliss Re: i want my wife back. - 04/25/12 02:09 AM
Quote:
You're welcome. I sometimes wonder if anyone is listening because there is such little response and the radio show is such an excellent tool to hear from the good Doctor himself.
I've thought the same thing as Markos, BrainHurts - great job! People are listening. Keep up the good work. smile
Posted By: Viper Re: i want my wife back. - 04/25/12 02:15 AM
Originally Posted By: maritalbliss
Quote:
You're welcome. I sometimes wonder if anyone is listening because there is such little response and the radio show is such an excellent tool to hear from the good Doctor himself.
I've thought the same thing as Markos, BrainHurts - great job! People are listening. Keep up the good work. smile

Same here. In fact I just listened to part 2 of 4 of one segment and can't find 3 and 4!

Good help you're offering Brain
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: i want my wife back. - 04/25/12 04:12 AM
Originally Posted By: TigerWes
Originally Posted By: maritalbliss
Quote:
You're welcome. I sometimes wonder if anyone is listening because there is such little response and the radio show is such an excellent tool to hear from the good Doctor himself.
I've thought the same thing as Markos, BrainHurts - great job! People are listening. Keep up the good work. smile

Same here. In fact I just listened to part 2 of 4 of one segment and can't find 3 and 4!

Good help you're offering Brain


Thanks MB warriors I appreciate it. TigerWes which segement is it and I can probably find it?
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 04/27/12 11:23 AM
brainhurts,
I can't get the radio clip to play! Am I doing something wrong?

Thanks,
KISS
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: i want my wife back. - 04/27/12 12:41 PM
Radio clip by Dr. H saying what a WH should do if he's serious about recovery

Try again. Are you hitting the play button? Do you have speakers and volume on? Maybe plug in headphones?
Posted By: Neak Re: i want my wife back. - 04/27/12 07:30 PM
For me, it not only plays, but it keeps looping till I turn it off.
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: i want my wife back. - 04/27/12 11:17 PM
Also watch this video by Dr. Harley.

Video:Infidelity:What Every Couple Needs to Know
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 04/28/12 01:02 AM
Brainhurts,
I still can't get the clip to play but I have seen Dr. Harleys video. My wife and I watched it together about a month ago.

Thanks,
KISS
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 04/28/12 01:10 AM
My wife isn't happy with me right now. She says that I have made comments that didn't make her happy. When I ask her what they were she doesn't really know what it was or what I said. Its so frustrating. Things seem to be going well as we have been spending a lot of time together and we have been getting a long great. We do have are moments but we are able to talk about them and continue to keep moving on. She is having a lot of doubt now and all of the sudden since yesterday afternoon she is making herself very distant from me. I have tried to give her space and not be on top of her then she says that im blowing her off.I feel like [censored] and im frustrated please help me!!! I need my wife more then anything. I can't lose her.

Please help,
KISS
Posted By: My4Loves Re: i want my wife back. - 04/28/12 01:16 AM
You need to go to her and let her know you will do whatever it takes for as long as it takes to help heal her.

Let her tell you what she needs ... write down all her words ... then begin action immediately.

When and only when you are willing to do whatever it takes for as long as it takes to clean up the self inflicted cesspool you created can your marriage recover.

Get to work ... start making her list ASAP.
Posted By: Scotland Re: i want my wife back. - 04/28/12 01:19 AM
Have you called the coaching center yet? Is this not something that she said she needs from you?
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: i want my wife back. - 04/28/12 01:30 AM
Originally Posted By: BrainHurts
To call the MB coaching center Coaching center
At the very least use this by Dr. Harley How to find a good marriage counselor

What about you, yourself write the radio show? I know your wife's question was on Fridays show. Email your questions to Joyce Harley at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com
Kiss, Have you read SAA? Have you learned from it?
Have you done any of these suggestions? I know your wife would want any of not all of these?
Posted By: HerPapaBear Re: i want my wife back. - 04/28/12 01:31 AM
Originally Posted By: kiss
My wife isn't happy with me right now.


Even if you do everything right...... And that's a big if!

Your wife is going to be on a roller coaster ride.

It takes a great deal of work on your part, combined with patience and spending time together meeting each others EN's.

Distance is never the answer! Distance, space, whatever you want to call it, is a cop out and no more than an escape plan on your part. So eliminate that as a tool in your marital recovery, OK!
Posted By: HerPapaBear Re: i want my wife back. - 04/28/12 01:34 AM
What books of Dr. Harley's do you have?

What books of Dr. Harley's have you read?
Posted By: KaylaAndy Re: i want my wife back. - 04/28/12 02:51 AM
Originally Posted By: kiss
My wife isn't happy with me right now. She says that I have made comments that didn't make her happy. When I ask her what they were she doesn't really know what it was or what I said. Its so frustrating. Things seem to be going well as we have been spending a lot of time together and we have been getting a long great. We do have are moments but we are able to talk about them and continue to keep moving on. She is having a lot of doubt now and all of the sudden since yesterday afternoon she is making herself very distant from me. I have tried to give her space and not be on top of her then she says that im blowing her off.I feel like [censored] and im frustrated please help me!!! I need my wife more then anything. I can't lose her.

Please help,
KISS


redflag

KISS, Here's the thing that's jumping out at me. The "need" rather than the love and desire to spend the rest of your life making things right, no matter what you get in return.

Your approach to recovery is very me-me-me oriented and not much about what is in it for her to take you back.

Where is your heart right now? trying to get back to the status quo?

That world is gone. Blown up. Obliterated by your repeated refusal to do anything about expelling the OW from your life and making things right before your wife had to take things to separation.

Now you want to get that world back. It's gone. I'm so sad for you. You can't get it back. It will never be back.

Acceptance is the answer to all your problems today. Accept that there is nothing in it for HER to take you back as you are right now, focused on KISS, KISS, KISS and not about her, her, her.

When you have reached that point of surrender, and acceptance of the damage you have done - the recognition that as a man, you have blown it with this woman you claim to need so badly. You have already lost her. Beyond recovery, if you retain any self-centeredness at all.

What can you do?

Surrender your pride. Surrender your expectations of her taking you back before you have proven that you are a changed man.

Tell us about those changes. Tell us what you are going to do differently tomorrow to fill her love bank without expectation of making any more withdrawals from that account.

Everything you have done, including breaking her Plan B request to work through an intermediary reeks of your disrespect that she has needs, and that you have bankrupted your lovebank with her.

So how will you change that? How will you change your character? Who will you be accountable to? HerPapaBear is one of the very best recovered waywards I know of who can guide you through that mine-field. And believe me, when he started posting here, I took exactly the same tactic with him as I have with you in this post. I didn't believe he was changed. He proved me wrong, not with defiance or belligerence or selfishness about how much he deserved another chance. He was changed.

Your responses to those who have cared enough to take the time to help you have not given me much hope yet that you "get it".

Your post that I quoted is just one example of why I'm concerned that you won't get it.
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 04/28/12 02:55 AM
HerPapaBear,
I'm not trying to stay away from her. I try to be with her every moment I can. I just don't try to hold and kiss her because I can tell she is not interested. I expect her to be up and down emotionally. I feel that I have done a very good job of being compasionite and helping her through the emotionally rough times.
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: i want my wife back. - 04/28/12 03:00 AM
Originally Posted By: kiss
HerPapaBear,
I'm not trying to stay away from her. I try to be with her every moment I can. I just don't try to hold and kiss her because I can tell she is not interested. I expect her to be up and down emotionally. I feel that I have done a very good job of being compasionite and helping her through the emotionally rough times.


What are her top emotional needs?
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 04/28/12 03:12 AM
to feel secure. She needs suppport and understanding. She needs to know that im doing what ever it takes for this to never happen again and for us to make this the great marraige that we both want and deserve.
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: i want my wife back. - 04/28/12 03:20 AM
Originally Posted By: BrainHurts
Originally Posted By: BrainHurts
To call the MB coaching center Coaching center
At the very least use this by Dr. Harley How to find a good marriage counselor
What about you, yourself write the radio show? I know your wife's question was on Fridays show. Email your questions to Joyce Harley at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com
Kiss, Have you read SAA? Have you learned from it?
Have you done any of these suggestions? I know your wife would want any of not all of these?
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 04/28/12 03:40 AM
My heart is in this 100 percent what ever it takes. I love my wife more then life its self. I will do anything she needs. I do not want our marriage to go back to the way it was. I want us to have the best marriage ever. I want us to be best friends.
I am very sorry for what I have done. I am ashamed by what I have done and all the pain that I have caused. I am constantly trying to make her feel secure and answer all of her questions when she has them.
I have changed. I have surrendered my self to my wife. I am commited to our wedding vows and willing to do what ever it takes.I'm willing to fight for my marriage and put 110 percent into everyday, every moment. My wife and kids come first not my career. I would change my job if my wife wanted me to. If she thought all the hours and weekends are to much. I would do anything.
I want her to call me out when im wrong or when she has even the smallest issue with anything I say or do.

THANKS,
KISS
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: i want my wife back. - 04/28/12 03:47 AM
Ok KISS,

We know what you want, but what ACTIONS have you done?

Call the coaching center?
Write the radio show?
Have you read SAA? What have you learned from it?

Please answer these questions.
Posted By: HerPapaBear Re: i want my wife back. - 04/28/12 06:27 PM
Kiss,

Do you know what EN's are?

Do you know what Dr. Harley's love bank concept is?

Have you read any of Dr. Harley's books yet?
Posted By: Scotland Re: i want my wife back. - 04/29/12 11:57 PM
Originally Posted By: HerPapaBear
Kiss,

Do you know what EN's are?

Do you know what Dr. Harley's love bank concept is?

Have you read any of Dr. Harley's books yet?


Quoted for emphasis
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: i want my wife back. - 04/30/12 02:58 AM
Some more wonderful radio clips with a BW and WH on what he has done to recover thier M. It talks about complete transparency, and precautions. He was a serial cheater.

Radio clip with a BW and her WH on steps to recovery
Segment #2
Segment #3
Segment #4
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 05/02/12 12:04 AM
HerPapaBear,
We went through our EN's last night together. She is looking for conversation, family support, affection, and recreational activities.

Yes I do know what Dr. Harley's love bank concept is.

I have not read any of Dr. Harley's books. I am trying to read how to help your spouse heal from your affair by Linda J. MacDonald. I hate reading but I am trying to get through this book.

We went through the EN's questionnaire. We did it based on our relationship before the affair started. Then we ranked how things have been the last two months. It really helped us see where we were lacking before and how things have changed since the affair ended. It just shows how things can improve when we focus on each other and meeting each others EN's needs.
Posted By: Scotland Re: i want my wife back. - 05/02/12 12:13 AM
Have you phoned the coaching center? They can help you with everything.
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 05/02/12 12:20 AM
BrainHurts,
I have meet almost all of my wifes requirements on her list. The only one that I haven't done is to apologize to her family. Witch is something I don't believe I will ever do because of their involvement and continued interferance and disrespect to my wife.
We go to marraige counceling weekly. This week we filled out the emotional needs questionnaire and it was a great learning experiance I think for both of us. We had a good time doing it.
We have been spending as much time as possible with each other and when ever she has questions about anything that has happened I answer her 100 percent honestly and we discuss it.
We talk or text constantly through out the day. Witch is something we haven't done in probably 4-5 years.

I have not called the coaching center or wrote the radio show. I have not read SAA. I take it thats a book by Dr.Harvey.

I am reading How to help your spouse heal from your affair by Linda J. MacDonald.
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 05/02/12 12:24 AM
No I have not called the coaching center. We are going to sit down and look at purchasing some of the work books this evening. Any recommendations? Have you used any of these tools?

Any feedback would be appreciated.

THANKS,
KISS
Posted By: Scotland Re: i want my wife back. - 05/02/12 12:34 AM
The books are all great.

The BEST thing you can do is call the coaching center, and get the online course. Even calling the coaching center once will benefit you immensely.

It's a huge red flag to me that you have chosen NOT to apologize to your In-Laws. If your BW asks this of you, you should be doing EVERYTHING you can to get this done. I thought that calling the Harleys was also a requirement.

Have you changed your email addresses and phone numbers?
Posted By: Neak Re: i want my wife back. - 05/02/12 01:30 AM
My kids say the same thing all the time. "I shouldn't have to apologize - my sister hit me first!" "Well, I shouldn't have to apologize either - my brother hit me harder, and more times, too!" I expect them to eventually grow out of that lame excuse, and I hope you will, too.

You can't apologize for your IL's behavior.

You need to apologize for your own.
Posted By: Scotland Re: i want my wife back. - 05/02/12 01:36 AM
Originally Posted By: Neak
My kids say the same thing all the time. "I shouldn't have to apologize - my sister hit me first!" "Well, I shouldn't have to apologize either - my brother hit me harder, and more times, too!" I expect them to eventually grow out of that lame excuse, and I hope you will, too.

You can't apologize for your IL's behavior.

You need to apologize for your own.


Very. Well. Said.
Posted By: Northwood8900 Re: i want my wife back. - 05/02/12 03:17 PM
Originally Posted By: Neak
My kids say the same thing all the time. "I shouldn't have to apologize - my sister hit me first!"


rotflmao I heard that verbatim this morning from our oldest.
Posted By: Pepperband Re: i want my wife back. - 05/02/12 03:38 PM
Originally Posted By: kiss
BrainHurts,
I have meet almost all of my wifes requirements on her list. The only one that I haven't done is to apologize to her family. Witch is something I don't believe I will ever do because of their involvement and continued interferance and disrespect to my wife.


If your wife made this apology one of HER requirements, aren't YOU being DISRESPECTFUL by refusing?

You're not making sense.
If respect for your wife is high on your priorities for recovery, then you are a huge hypocrite when you ignore/refuse to apologize to her parents. Stop disrespecting your wife.
Plus, you are flat out wrong twoxfour
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: i want my wife back. - 05/03/12 09:35 PM
kiss,

What is your excuse for not calling the coaching center?

Apologizing to your in-laws?

A truly repentant spouse does WHATEVER it takes.

Actions speak louder than words!!! banghead

Shame on you kiss.
Posted By: fifteenyears Re: i want my wife back. - 05/04/12 04:29 AM
Kiss,

I have been begging my H to let me apologize to his parents faces. Even though my mother in law has said and done some horrible things to me in front of my children.

This rift is hurting your wife and your family. Be the bigger person and apologize. It's time to start healing your family. I say apologize but ask for respect in that they stay out of your families business and allow you to heal.
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 05/04/12 03:55 PM
fifteenyears,

I took a lot of abuse and bad mouthing from my mother in law. One night I went to my house to see my kids. She was verbally bashing me in front of my kids and won't let them see me they were standing their crying and scared. After a good twenty minutes of not saying anything back I told her how negative she was always bashing people.

Then one day I went to the house where my wife is staying and she was there again. She came out raging. While I was trying to talk to my wife she kept yelling how she was going to call the cops. Then she was on the phone with someone just standing there talking crap constantly.

I have moved on and have no cares about what she thinks of me. I have no need for her to be part of my life. It doesn't bother me one bit.

She will randomly text my wife bashing her and making her feel like crap. I want my wife to have a relationship with her family. I believe that that should be the most importnt thing. Instead of getting support from her mother she continues to get shots regularly.

She received an email from her mother a couple of days ago saying that I better not waste my time trying to appologize that the family is not interested. I feel that if I made an attempt to talk to them it would be very ugly and make the situation worse.

My wife is suffering due to all the hate emails and text messages. My wifes birthday is Tuesday and she was supposed to go to her parents for Birthday cake. Due to that email she received she doesn't want to go. It really sucks I want to help my wife through this but I feel that if I tried to talk to them I know it will not go well. I believe that my mother in law is trying to make my wife decide between us. I feel that is such a sh***y thing to due. She has no idea what she is putting her daughter through. I hope she can take a step back and look at what she is doing and the pain she is causing!!!
Thats what helped me see the wrong I was doing.

THANKS,
KISS
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: i want my wife back. - 05/04/12 04:01 PM
So even though it's what your wife wants?

Let's see what Dr. Harley says because she will be on the show today. hurray
Posted By: Pepperband Re: i want my wife back. - 05/04/12 04:04 PM
Originally Posted By: kiss
After a good twenty minutes of not saying anything back I told her how negative she was always bashing people.


You REALLY don't know what you're doing, do you?

"You are ALWAYS bashing people."
A pretty piss-poor and inflammatory response.
An unnecessary and counter-productive response.
You may think calling MIL on her faults gave you the upper hand, but I assure you, it did zero to improve YOUR life.
It did zero to demonstrate adult coping skills to your children.

You need to learn some things.

How might you otherwise respond to an out-of-control adult person?
By taking yourself out of the game.

"I can see how my being here is upsetting you.
I will go now. I hope you feel calmer soon. Take care."


You lack ninja-people skills when you are feeling under attack.
That is something I recommend you deliberately work on.
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 05/04/12 04:16 PM
Pepperband,

So I should have just stould there and let her bash me in front of my kids and let her yell and torcher my hids!!!!!! I should have just stood there and smiled. As I was locked outside my house with my kids screaming and crying to see me!!!!! U must not have kids or feeling because that crushed me.

THANKS FOR YOUR CONCERN AND GREAT FEEDBACK.

KISS
Posted By: Scotland Re: i want my wife back. - 05/04/12 04:17 PM
Kiss, have you called the coaching center yet?

I suggest you read what Pep has just posted to you and analyze it. Read it a few times. See where you can correct something about yourself.

Also, instead of worrying about how your MIL will react to your apology, just do it because it's the right thing to do.
Posted By: Scotland Re: i want my wife back. - 05/04/12 04:18 PM
Originally Posted By: kiss
Pepperband,

So I should have just stould there and let her bash me in front of my kids and let her yell and torcher my hids!!!!!! I should have just stood there and smiled. As I was locked outside my house with my kids screaming and crying to see me!!!!! U must not have kids or feeling because that crushed me.

THANKS FOR YOUR CONCERN AND GREAT FEEDBACK.

KISS


No, Pep didn't suggest you just stand there and take it. She suggested that you calmly remove yourself from the situation to help your kids. How is staying, and engaging a raging adult helping remove the drama in your children's lives?
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 05/04/12 04:19 PM
Brainhurts,
Just wanted to let you know that I just booked an appointment with Steve Harley for Tuesday at 10:30 AM.

Thanks for your constant helP. It is so appreciated

KISS
Posted By: Logans_Run Re: i want my wife back. - 05/04/12 04:21 PM
hurray
Posted By: Scotland Re: i want my wife back. - 05/04/12 04:22 PM
Originally Posted By: kiss
Brainhurts,
Just wanted to let you know that I just booked an appointment with Steve Harley for Tuesday at 10:30 AM.

Thanks for your constant helP. It is so appreciated

KISS


Now this makes me hopeful.
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 05/04/12 04:27 PM
Scotland,

It is just so frustrating right now because this is not something we need now. She will not let go and stay out of it. She makes it personal. It's like her vs. me. We are trying to concentrate on us!!! We took our four kids to the Mets game the other day and on the way she is getting hammered by her sister in law and mother. My wife is suffering. I think the only way that I believe she will stop is if we seperate. I don't think she cares if her daughter is happy!!! as long as my mother in law gets what she wants.

nothing like added pressures and stress!!

Thanks,
KISS
Posted By: Pepperband Re: i want my wife back. - 05/04/12 04:28 PM
Originally Posted By: kiss
Pepperband,

So I should have just stould there and let her bash me in front of my kids and let her yell and torcher my hids!!!!!!


100% the OPPOSITE of what I recommended you do.

Quote:
I should have just stood there and smiled.


100% the OPPOSITE what I recommended you do.


Quote:


U must not have kids or feeling because that crushed me.

THANKS FOR YOUR CONCERN AND GREAT FEEDBACK.



I recommend you control yourself and remove yourself from toxic situations/people as soon as possible.

BTW .... Your attack of me is another example of how your defensive communication style gets in your way of finding more advantageous solutions. Please, consider looking at how you respond quickly and in anger when you might not have to.

You'll live longer and better once you learn how to blow out your own fuse.

PS .... I come in peace !
Posted By: Scotland Re: i want my wife back. - 05/04/12 04:37 PM
Kiss, I hope that you are able to do as Pepperband suggests and remove yourself from these types of situations, effectively. It will help YOUR MARRIAGE, greatly.

Focusing on what your MIL and SIL are doing is NOT helping your marriage.

What are you doing today to make your wife feel safe with you? I am very pleased to see that you are going to be coaching with SH. What else can you do this weekend? How can you meet your BW's ENs this weekend? What can you do for HER?
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: i want my wife back. - 05/04/12 04:53 PM
Originally Posted By: kiss
Brainhurts,
Just wanted to let you know that I just booked an appointment with Steve Harley for Tuesday at 10:30 AM.

Thanks for your constant helP. It is so appreciated

KISS


Wait to go. Good job. Keep us posted. Ok? hurray
Posted By: Sublimination Re: i want my wife back. - 05/07/12 09:14 PM
Originally Posted By: kiss
Pepperband,

So I should have just stould there and let her bash me in front of my kids and let her yell and torcher my hids!!!!!! I should have just stood there and smiled. As I was locked outside my house with my kids screaming and crying to see me!!!!! U must not have kids or feeling because that crushed me.

THANKS FOR YOUR CONCERN AND GREAT FEEDBACK.

KISS


If you really want to help your marriage and are doing this blog in hopes of recovery, I suggest you start telling the truth. It wasn't your house, it was the house your wife rented to get away from you (but you followed and banged on doors and windows until the cops had to be called the first time). This also happened after already being told by the cops days prior when you made a scene, to stay away. This all occured when your wife tried to implement Plan B and gave you specific instructions to go through a 2nd party to arrange the kid's visitation and to stay away from her/not speak to her. You didn't do this. You refused to do this. The kids were crying and screaming because you were screaming and banging on windows and doors demanding to be seen/heard. Please stop making yourself look like the victim. Her mother has done nothing but support her both emotionally and financially and you and your web of lies isn't helping. You brought this on yourself. YOU caused this. Stop placing blame off on to others.

This is a throwaway account so I apologize in advance, but I can't go on reading all this nonsense you keep writing. You didn't care about your relationship until you suddenly had no place to live. Then all of a sudden you're a changed man? I don't think so.

You need help. Serious help. Like I said, if you're trying to get help here, you better start being honest with the people that are actually trying to help you, for the sake of you and your marriage...
Posted By: Pepperband Re: i want my wife back. - 05/07/12 09:26 PM
Originally Posted By: Sublimination
Originally Posted By: kiss
Pepperband,

So I should have just stould there and let her bash me in front of my kids and let her yell and torcher my hids!!!!!! I should have just stood there and smiled. As I was locked outside my house with my kids screaming and crying to see me!!!!! U must not have kids or feeling because that crushed me.

THANKS FOR YOUR CONCERN AND GREAT FEEDBACK.

KISS




If you really want to help your marriage and are doing this blog in hopes of recovery, I suggest you start telling the truth. It wasn't your house, it was the house your wife rented to get away from you (but you followed and banged on doors and windows until the cops had to be called the first time). This also happened after already being told by the cops days prior when you made a scene, to stay away. This all occured when your wife tried to implement Plan B and gave you specific instructions to go through a 2nd party to arrange the kid's visitation and to stay away from her/not speak to her. You didn't do this. You refused to do this. The kids were crying and screaming because you were screaming and banging on windows and doors demanding to be seen/heard. Please stop making yourself look like the victim. Her mother has done nothing but support her both emotionally and financially and you and your web of lies isn't helping. You brought this on yourself. YOU caused this. Stop placing blame off on to others.

This is a throwaway account so I apologize in advance, but I can't go on reading all this nonsense you keep writing. You didn't care about your relationship until you suddenly had no place to live. Then all of a sudden you're a changed man? I don't think so.

You need help. Serious help. Like I said, if you're trying to get help here, you better start being honest with the people that are actually trying to help you, for the sake of you and your marriage...



Well, this is interesting.
Who are you Sublimination?
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: i want my wife back. - 05/08/12 12:56 AM
Originally Posted By: Pepperband
Originally Posted By: Sublimination
Originally Posted By: kiss
Pepperband,

So I should have just stould there and let her bash me in front of my kids and let her yell and torcher my hids!!!!!! I should have just stood there and smiled. As I was locked outside my house with my kids screaming and crying to see me!!!!! U must not have kids or feeling because that crushed me.

THANKS FOR YOUR CONCERN AND GREAT FEEDBACK.

KISS




If you really want to help your marriage and are doing this blog in hopes of recovery, I suggest you start telling the truth. It wasn't your house, it was the house your wife rented to get away from you (but you followed and banged on doors and windows until the cops had to be called the first time). This also happened after already being told by the cops days prior when you made a scene, to stay away. This all occured when your wife tried to implement Plan B and gave you specific instructions to go through a 2nd party to arrange the kid's visitation and to stay away from her/not speak to her. You didn't do this. You refused to do this. The kids were crying and screaming because you were screaming and banging on windows and doors demanding to be seen/heard. Please stop making yourself look like the victim. Her mother has done nothing but support her both emotionally and financially and you and your web of lies isn't helping. You brought this on yourself. YOU caused this. Stop placing blame off on to others.

This is a throwaway account so I apologize in advance, but I can't go on reading all this nonsense you keep writing. You didn't care about your relationship until you suddenly had no place to live. Then all of a sudden you're a changed man? I don't think so.

You need help. Serious help. Like I said, if you're trying to get help here, you better start being honest with the people that are actually trying to help you, for the sake of you and your marriage...



Well, this is interesting.
Who are you Sublimination?


Hmmm. Sounds like someone from the family perhaps? MIL has been reading his posts and that is the premise of RQ's call to Dr. Harley about her family wanting an apology from kiss.

You know what Dr. Harley said?

RQ's family needs to back off for now and stay out of it and let them work on the marrige.

Here are the clips.
Radio clip of RQ
Radio clip 2nd segment
Posted By: HerPapaBear Re: i want my wife back. - 05/08/12 01:10 AM
Sounds like sublimation believes Kiss is just a pig that found some lipstick...

I was once a pig with lipstick myself.... During our false recovery!

When our REAL recovery began, I made amends to my MIL & FIL as well as all of our extended family & friends. I confessed the truth to everyone and owned my adultery, as well as owning all the pain I caused my wife, children & others. I No longer made anyone out to be the bad guy except myself.

I acknowledged the pain I created was all of my own doing!

I purposed to make no excuses!

I asked for forgiveness and accepted my consequences when it wasn't extended. No one owed me forgiveness after all I had done to their mommy, their daughter, their sister, their friend.

I figured out that all the anger toward me from her family was well deserved and it was of my own making..... I had to put on my big boy pants and man up! Knowing real recovery for all that were injured would take time.

So Kiss are you going to man up or be the wedge between your wife and her family? Are you going to pretend to be a victim of your own adulterous choices?

When you are so broken by all you said & did while you were wayward, we will be able to say your fog has lifted.
Posted By: HerPapaBear Re: i want my wife back. - 05/08/12 01:24 AM
Kiss,

I still thank my In-Laws, and extended family and friends, for being my wife's life support system, while I was putting one knife after another in her back during my A....

Without them, she may not have survived the extent of damage I created.

Have you considered thanking all of the people that did the same for your own wife?

Posted By: Scotland Re: i want my wife back. - 05/08/12 01:36 AM
Originally Posted By: HerPapaBear
Kiss,

I still thank my In-Laws, and extended family and friends, for being my wife's life support system, while I was putting one knife after another in her back during my A....

Without them, she may not have survived the extent of damage I created.

Have you considered thanking all of the people that did the same for your own wife?



2 Very good posts by one of the best FWH's who continue to post on this board. Thank you HPB for all you do to help guide WS's to the path to becoming FWSs.
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 05/08/12 11:35 AM
pepperband,

This is a family member that has obviously a bad memory. It was my house and they are obviously confused.

Its sad that they can't help but keep getting involved in my marriage and respect my wives wishes.

THANKS,
KISS
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 05/08/12 11:38 AM
I'm so excited about today. It's my wife's Birthday and we have our call with the coaching center at 10:30. Today we aer going to spend the day together. Then tonight we are going out to dinner with the kids.

THANKS,
KISS
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: i want my wife back. - 05/08/12 11:39 AM
Originally Posted By: kiss
I'm so excited about today. It's my wife's Birthday and we have our call with the coaching center at 10:30. Today we aer going to spend the day together. Then tonight we are going out to dinner with the kids.

THANKS,
KISS


hurray

I'm pulling for you and RQ. Make this day all about her.
Posted By: HerPapaBear Re: i want my wife back. - 05/08/12 11:57 AM
Originally Posted By: kiss
pepperband,

This is a family member that has obviously a bad memory. It was my house and they are obviously confused.

Its sad that they can't help but keep getting involved in my marriage and respect my wives wishes.

THANKS,
KISS


I always shudder when I see a WH post this......

Look closely at what you're saying.

Did you respect your wife?

Are you "respecting your wife's wishes" about extending an apology to these family members?

WS's that harbor grudges, resentments, etc..... are destined to remain foggy, for they refuse to see their part in creating all the pain. They still cling to the idea that if everyone would just stay out of their way and play the roles they are assigned, then all will be OK. They just don't see how many toes they step on throughout the day.
Posted By: Neak Re: i want my wife back. - 05/08/12 04:28 PM
Quote:
Without them, she may not have survived the extent of damage I created.


This was certainly true for me. Without my family, I would have at the very least ended up in the hospital, and very likely would not have R'd my M, either.

They were very protective of me, and justifiably so. It's amazing how things changed for the better once they saw AJ begin carrying out the actions of repentance.
Posted By: Pantsonfire Re: i want my wife back. - 05/11/12 05:55 PM
There is just no end to the ridiculous lies you tell these people, is there? You wife is suffering because of the crap YOU did to her and you are not helping your recovery by continually making up this ridiculous nonsense and posting it on a public forum. This is why the family wants nothing to do with you and this is what is hurting her. Just stick to the problems between the two of you and stop trying to blame everyone else. Your wife has been twisting you arm for two months for that apology you are making every excuse not to make. Who would want it now? You're pathetic.
Posted By: Neak Re: i want my wife back. - 05/11/12 09:30 PM
Pantsonfire, welcome! What is your story?

I am sad to see you name-calling. The poster on this thread is foggy, and has yet to show himself to be serious about recovery, but I don't think that attacking him and applying inflammatory adjectives will help him on the road to enlightenment.

I look forward to getting to know you better. Please feel free to start your own thread, if there's something we can assist you with.
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: i want my wife back. - 05/11/12 09:36 PM
Originally Posted By: Neak
Pantsonfire, welcome! What is your story?

I am sad to see you name-calling. The poster on this thread is foggy, and has yet to show himself to be serious about recovery, but I don't think that attacking him and applying inflammatory adjectives will help him on the road to enlightenment.

I look forward to getting to know you better. Please feel free to start your own thread, if there's something we can assist you with.

Maybe another family member of RQs like the other poster who was upset also?
Posted By: Pantsonfire Re: i want my wife back. - 05/12/12 02:16 AM
Neak- OK then, he is pathetically foggy. But don't tell him. He will say you are interferring.
Posted By: maritalbliss Re: i want my wife back. - 05/12/12 02:25 AM
Originally Posted By: Pantsonfire
Neak- OK then, he is pathetically foggy. But don't tell him. He will say you are interferring.
Pants, it's helpful to you to introduce yourself by starting your own thead. Would you care to do this?
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: i want my wife back. - 05/12/12 02:46 AM
kiss, if pantsonfire is one of your wife's family members it doesn't sound like she is too impressed with your attitude. Is it true you are blaming her family?

I will tell you how I felt as a betrayed spouse after my husbands affair and I did not appreciate being placed in a position to have to choose between my family and my husband. Let's just hope after all the hell you have put this woman through that you are not causing problems with her family now. She has been through enough.

Why is her family still so angry with you and what are you doing to resolve it?
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 05/12/12 08:38 PM
Melodylane,

oh yes. It is. No I don't blame them at all. They just can't help themselves from getting involved. I want my wife to be involved with her family but they continue to push her away. It's sad and upsets her constantly.

THANKS,
KISS
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 05/12/12 09:02 PM
Posted By: SugarCane Re: i want my wife back. - 05/12/12 09:06 PM
Kiss - please take her name out of the above post.
Posted By: HerPapaBear Re: i want my wife back. - 05/12/12 10:16 PM
Originally Posted By: kiss


One thing I am struggling with is she wants me to move into the house that she is living in now. My issue is when I first moved out of my house and I went back to my house to see my kids I was threated by one of her family members saying that she would move my wife and kids out of my house and into another house so I can't see them.


I clap her family for what they did!

They were trying to keep evil at bay!

When we become waywards, we become evil.

By this point, you should have no problem admitting how evil you actually were. If not, then your wife needs to run like he11!

You need to shift out of this mode that your in-laws did something wrong and accept that it was ALL your own doing.

LISTEN, did they commit adultery?

Did they destroy your wife?

Of course not! They were the ones that scraped her off the floor where you left her and helped restore her to some semblance of sanity amidst the distress that you caused. They were the rescuers. So let's drop this facade of being the victim. The reality is you didn't deserve to see your children, so knock this sh** off! OK!




Originally Posted By: kiss

I have been staying with my wife and kids almost everyday. I am not sure what I should do.


You should move into the house she feels safe in. The memories of your old house coupled with the financial distress is far more than she can handle and still be willing to recover with you. You need to accept this. You need to man up and become enthusiastic about being a husband and a father again. OK?

Posted By: MelodyLane Re: i want my wife back. - 05/12/12 11:13 PM
Originally Posted By: kiss

One thing I am struggling with is she wants me to move into the house that she is living in now. My issue is when I first moved out of my house and I went back to my house to see my kids I was threated by one of her family members saying that she would move my wife and kids out of my house and into another house so I can't see them. I have been staying with my wife and kids almost everyday. I am not sure what I should do.




What you should do about what? This is supposed to be some excuse for not moving into the house with your wife? crazy That tells me you haven't quit your affair with your skankyho. I can't think of any other reason you wouldn't move in other than it would interfere with your affair.

Isn't it a crying shame her family knew that she needed to be protected from her OWN husband? They stood by her while you betrayed her terribly. You might as well have raped her. So of course they tried to protect her. Don't try and make her family out to be the bad guys here, kiss. YOU are the only bad guy in this picture!
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: i want my wife back. - 05/12/12 11:19 PM
Bravo to tst! hurray
Posted By: Northwood8900 Re: i want my wife back. - 05/13/12 12:10 AM
kiss,

I think you should thank her family for standing by her and then offer your apology for what you did.
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 05/13/12 01:52 AM
I want to thank everyone for the help. I am not going to be posting on this web site no longer.

THANKS,
KISS
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: i want my wife back. - 05/13/12 01:53 AM
Originally Posted By: kiss
I want to thank everyone for the help. I am not going to be posting on this web site no longer.

THANKS,
KISS


Why?
Posted By: Everthesame Re: i want my wife back. - 05/13/12 02:08 AM
I know that the spouse is not supposed on the other's thread but as kiss's BS, I feel that I have a right to defend him here, especially to pantsonfire. Kiss came here at my request to learn how to recover our marriage. And now, you have posted here, not once but twice and attacked him. Now, this is no longer a valuable resource for him for he fears posting and being attacked for trying to do the right thing.
He has been practicing his EP's, he has been meeting my EN's and he has started coaching with SH. If you are familiar with these, then you would know that all of this is part of the reccovery process and making our marriage stronger.
I have spoken to Dr. Bill Harley and he has advised for me to tell the family to leave us alone and allow us to work on us. That you are making a complicated matter even more complicated. This is a process and just because it wasn't done to your satisfaction does not give you a right to post here and attack him.
I have spoken to Steve Harley and he advised that I am the patient, not you. I need to be treated first! And that is what kiss is trying to do.
I know you think you are doing this for the right reasons but this is causing me distress and putting large obstacles in the way of our path to recovery.
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: i want my wife back. - 05/13/12 02:43 AM
Originally Posted By: Rocketqueen
I know that the spouse is not supposed on the other's thread but as kiss's BS, I feel that I have a right to defend him here, especially to pantsonfire. Kiss came here at my request to learn how to recover our marriage. And now, you have posted here, not once but twice and attacked him. Now, this is no longer a valuable resource for him for he fears posting and being attacked for trying to do the right thing.
He has been practicing his EP's, he has been meeting my EN's and he has started coaching with SH. If you are familiar with these, then you would know that all of this is part of the reccovery process and making our marriage stronger.
I have spoken to Dr. Bill Harley and he has advised for me to tell the family to leave us alone and allow us to work on us. That you are making a complicated matter even more complicated. This is a process and just because it wasn't done to your satisfaction does not give you a right to post here and attack him.
I have spoken to Steve Harley and he advised that I am the patient, not you. I need to be treated first! And that is what kiss is trying to do.
I know you think you are doing this for the right reasons but this is causing me distress and putting large obstacles in the way of our path to recovery.

kiss/RQ have your shared the radio clips of Dr. Harely advising this to you with your family?


I posted them on yours and RQ's thread.
Posted By: HerPapaBear Re: i want my wife back. - 05/13/12 02:56 AM
Originally Posted By: kiss
I want to thank everyone for the help. I am not going to be posting on this web site no longer.

THANKS,
KISS


Really?

I would bet there were nearly 50 posts removed from my thread when I showed up here.

I had attacks comin at me everytime I tried to post. They were so severe that the posts were completely removed and mulitple posters were banned.

I stuck it out though!

Why?

Because my wife asked me to agree to posting here as a condition of recovery and I wasn't about to let her down because I was feeling attacked in some way......

The posts you're complaining about aren't even attacks IMO, just an annoyance....

Get your rear back in here and get to work, ya hear me? grumble
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: i want my wife back. - 05/13/12 03:06 AM
Originally Posted By: Rocketqueen
I know that the spouse is not supposed on the other's thread but as kiss's BS, I feel that I have a right to defend him here, especially to pantsonfire. Kiss came here at my request to learn how to recover our marriage. And now, you have posted here, not once but twice and attacked him.


It is very disappointing when a wayward runs at the slightest hint of trouble. I have seen others withstand 100x times worse than this and they stuck it out because they were sincere about recovery. I strongly encourage you to not allow KISS to hide behind your skirts, RQ. He can get lots of help here, but he needs to man up and face the music. A WS who is serious about recovery could not be run off by wild horses. Encourage him to come back, RQ. Help him be a man, not a wimp.
Posted By: Everthesame Re: i want my wife back. - 05/13/12 05:44 PM
ML, I just wanted to be clear that he is NOT running from the regular posters here. Just those who create phony accounts to attack him.
That is all I want to say on this thread. I hope Kiss will return and continue to post as I have asked him to
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: i want my wife back. - 05/13/12 05:50 PM
Originally Posted By: Rocketqueen
ML, I just wanted to be clear that he is NOT running from the regular posters here. Just those who create phony accounts to attack him.
That is all I want to say on this thread. I hope Kiss will return and continue to post as I have asked him to


I am glad you asked him to come back. He is a big boy and is fully able to handle criticism no matter where it comes from. I am not surprised that he is getting criticism from your family, though. They have been hurt too. Your H is not the victim here. He needs to put on his big gurl pants.
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: i want my wife back. - 05/13/12 05:58 PM
My sister and mother HATED my husband after what he did to me. My sister said through gritted teeth "I HATE HIS GUTS." But my H manned up and repaired the damage he did to those relationships. They have very warm, friendly friendships today.

My H initially told me that we weren't going to see my family again because of their reaction. I explained to him that I had lost enough and would not be giving up one more damn thing for him. My family stood behind me when he betrayed me so he would have to man up and face them. If I had to choose, I would choose my family so he would be wise to not place me in a position to have to choose.

To his great credit, he quickly grew some balls and faced my family. They are now great friends. But if I had not insisted that he behave like a man instead of a weasel punk, he would not have risen to the challenge. And who wants to be married to a punk? I sure didn't.

It is not uncommon that family members are angry when they see their beloved family member being abused and mistreated. It would be a tragedy to condemn them for being angry just because they care.
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: i want my wife back. - 05/13/12 06:03 PM
Also, my family's anger towards him dissipated when he went to them and apologized AND demonstrated good treatment of me over a period of time. That is what your husband needs to do. You shouldn't have to tell him to do that, he should be doing that on his own.
Posted By: Everthesame Re: i want my wife back. - 05/13/12 07:08 PM
I totally agree with you.
Posted By: Neak Re: i want my wife back. - 05/13/12 07:32 PM
Kiss, I hope you're still listening.

If you do all that, and the family still isn't willing to make amends, say a year from now, then we can re-evaluate your approach.

They are still in protect-your-wife mode, in addition to suffering their own pain from your actions. Because you not only failed to protect her, but caused her the worst pain of her life, they stepped in to fill the role that should have been yours.

That doesn't mean that I condone name-calling, or feel like the way they are expressing their anger is the most productive for the 2 of you as a couple. But SOMEBODY has to be the first one to step up and start trying to make peace.

That somebody should be you.
Posted By: Scotland Re: i want my wife back. - 05/14/12 12:10 AM
RQ, you posting on this thread is distracting to KISS, and it is precisely due to defending the WS that BSs are encouraged NOT to post on their WS's thread.

KISS, I wish that my family stood up for me the way that your BW's family is sticking up for her. They SHOULD be angry with you. You HURT their daughter/sister/mother/friend. That was something that THEY had to see the effects of while you ran off.

Also, ITA with HPB and ML. You haven't been treated as poorly as you think. You are feeling the CONSEQUENCES of your actions. If you don't deal with them, and choose to run, I would advise your BW not to attempt recovery with her because you would be dangerous to her. You need to deal with the consequences and make yourself into a better person. The only way you can do that is work at it.
Posted By: Neak Re: i want my wife back. - 05/14/12 04:44 AM
I don't believe you're yet serious about recovery.

I would be DELIGHTED if you proved me wrong.
Posted By: SusieQ Re: i want my wife back. - 05/14/12 06:31 PM
Originally Posted By: HerPapaBear
Kiss,

I still thank my In-Laws, and extended family and friends, for being my wife's life support system, while I was putting one knife after another in her back during my A....

Without them, she may not have survived the extent of damage I created.


There were a lot of bad feelings between my sister's (MovingForward) WH and our family after his A. We are a very close family and we became very involved in making sure she was protected and in calling him (WH) out on his bad behavior.

His coming to us hat in hand and doing what HPB did (apologizing to us and thanking us for supporting MF) went a long way in healing and making things right.

I can only imagine if his attitude had been like yours that the situation would have kept escalating...as it has done in your case.

This makes me very sad for RQ and your family. frown
Posted By: HerPapaBear Re: i want my wife back. - 05/15/12 12:43 AM
Originally Posted By: kiss
.... I am commiting to checking in at least once a day!!



Is this the way you demonstrate your committments after just five short weeks?

Will you treat your marriage the same way?
Posted By: HerPapaBear Re: i want my wife back. - 05/15/12 12:58 AM
Originally Posted By: kiss

......The reason I did not go to Thanksgiving with my wife is because her parents house is very crazy and their is a lot of negativity their. I wanted to have a quite Thanksgiving and be able to do things with my kids. My inlaws house is very tight and not a lot to do. I really wanted time to cook and be with my wife to try to enjoy each others company instead of wondering how long until we could leave. ...



Kiss, I thought I would re-visit this post.

When I examine your wifes "sig line";

Quote:
10/25 trouble in the air
11/8 WH wanted separation
11/15 Found out about OP (EA?)


Your wife sensed an emotional affair had already begun, "because it had".

And your re-writing of the Thanksgiving Day history is such typical wayward crapola that it almost makes me laugh to read it again.

Do you see the dishonesty in this post of yours?

I know it's tough to admit it, but you really set up the whole Thanksgiving Day drama to excuse yourself from going anywhere. My bet is you were in contact with OW that day. It's pretty typical wayward behavior...... and so is the re-write!

Do you see this??

I did the same things, you're not unique my friend! It's all stuff right outa the wayward handbook...
Posted By: HerPapaBear Re: i want my wife back. - 05/15/12 01:09 AM
Originally Posted By: kiss
.... I truely love my wife and im willing to do what ever it takes to win her back.


Your wife's list of requirement included;

Demonstrating remorse (Godly remorse, not I'm sorry I got caught remorse)

Posting on this forum

Apologies to those you've harmed (immediate and extended families)


The current score ------- 0 for 3 (thats a strike out)
Posted By: HerPapaBear Re: i want my wife back. - 05/15/12 01:34 AM
Originally Posted By: kiss
I am willing to do anything to make her feel secure and I want to build her trust back in me.




What ways can you accomplish this "build her trust back in me", because dissin' her family ain't a good start.


Feelings of security will come from loving actions as well as respect for others.

Read Matt 5:46-47 If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that?


And

Matt 23:23-27 “Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You give a tenth of your spices—mint, dill and cumin. But you have neglected the more important matters of the law—justice, mercy and faithfulness. You should have practiced the latter, without neglecting the former. You blind guides! You strain out a gnat but swallow a camel.

“Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You clean the outside of the cup and dish, but inside they are full of greed and self-indulgence. Blind Pharisee! First clean the inside of the cup and dish, and then the outside also will be clean.

“Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You are like whitewashed tombs, which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of the bones of the dead and everything unclean. In the same way, on the outside you appear to people as righteous but on the inside you are full of hypocrisy and wickedness.



This kinda sums up both you and me (me during my first recovery)..... Do you see yourself in any of these verses? And we wanted others to trust us?? jeesh, theyd've been crazy to trust such a viper... ya know!
Posted By: HerPapaBear Re: i want my wife back. - 05/15/12 01:37 AM
Originally Posted By: kiss

I am truely in love with my wife and willing to do what ever it takes.



Specifically,

What

Does

This

Quote

Mean

To

You

???????
Posted By: HerPapaBear Re: i want my wife back. - 05/15/12 01:48 AM
Originally Posted By: kiss
My heart is in this 100 percent what ever it takes. I love my wife more then life its self. I will do anything she needs. I do not want our marriage to go back to the way it was. I want us to have the best marriage ever. I want us to be best friends.
I am very sorry for what I have done. I am ashamed by what I have done and all the pain that I have caused. I am constantly trying to make her feel secure and answer all of her questions when she has them.
I have changed. I have surrendered my self to my wife. I am commited to our wedding vows and willing to do what ever it takes.I'm willing to fight for my marriage and put 110 percent into everyday, every moment. My wife and kids come first not my career. I would change my job if my wife wanted me to. If she thought all the hours and weekends are to much. I would do anything.
I want her to call me out when im wrong or when she has even the smallest issue with anything I say or do.




Was this for real?

Did you have a sincere moment out of the fog and then disappear back into the abyss again a short week or so later?


Look, I disappeared back into the abyss after a few weeks of recovery and it took months before I returned.... But the damages were far greater than I ever imagined possible....

It doesn't have to be that way!

You don't have to travel the path I traveled.

But

If you want to avoid that destruction,

You must truly surrender all (to God). In doing so, you'll become sweetly broken instead of resentful and angry.
Posted By: HerPapaBear Re: i want my wife back. - 05/15/12 01:52 AM
Originally Posted By: kiss

I have not read any of Dr. Harley's books.


Has this changed yet??
Posted By: HerPapaBear Re: i want my wife back. - 05/15/12 02:11 AM
Kiss,

Have you asked your wife to detail her days when you were out of the house?

Details about the kids days, and nights?


My kids all suffered greatly for my infidelity, just as yours did..... Have you asked for all the details?

My 13 yr old daughter cried herself to sleep every night.
My 9 yr old son banged his head on the walls to the point of bruising.
My 7 yr old son laid in my closet (that was empty) and cried saying he just wanted to be close to his daddy.

Even my mother-in-law cried for and with my wife daily while I was wayward.

Have you asked for the details of what happened because of your horrid actions of adultery....
Posted By: HerPapaBear Re: i want my wife back. - 05/15/12 02:14 AM
How many other peoples threads have you read on the forums??

Can you relate with any of them??

Did you see yourself in any of their stories? Or have you only been focused on you.


The turing point for many of us begins when we have compassion for the pain of others instead of only seeing our own pain. Would you agree?
Posted By: HoldHerHand Re: i want my wife back. - 05/15/12 08:30 AM
If you aren't going to return and post;

1) Get your tail in the same home as your wife, no more excuses. This most of all shows a lack of commitment and regard toward your marriage.

2) Read Surviving an Affair.

3) Continue your coaching with Steve Harley.


Whatever your forum experience has been, don't judge MB based on it. In fact, if you've coached with Steve... you know better already.

Continue the coaching, read the book, MOVE HOME.
Posted By: HoldHerHand Re: i want my wife back. - 05/15/12 08:30 AM
PS: Home is where your wife and children live.
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 06/05/12 12:16 AM
sorry for not posting in a while. My wife has made it clear that this is important to her so I am going to make the effort to keep posting not only for her but i know that it is beneficial for me. I have been so crazy at work and baseball with both kids it seems that it is non stop.
It seems like we spend two or three days together then we don't see each other for a day or two. That time apart seems forever and seems to set us back. I constantly think of my wife and miss her miserably. It also seems to set her back and just seems to add to this slow painful process of recovery. We need to start scheduling time together and family time with the kids better.
I have moved in with my wife and kids. It has been great to really help with the kids and be able to hold my wife at night. I am really mad at my self for not thinking and getting involved in an affair. What I could have lost is invaluable.
I have listened to the audio for his needs her needs and I realize now that I wasn't as great the best husband and need to focus on meeting all of my wife's EN's.
Posted By: Pepperband Re: i want my wife back. - 06/05/12 12:26 AM
What POJA efforts are you making?
Posted By: Neak Re: i want my wife back. - 06/05/12 02:23 PM
Quote:
What I could have lost is invaluable.


What you could still lose. Don't get comfy in your efforts. Comfy leads very quickly to lazy. You can do this if you work at it. You can also still lose everything if you don't work at it.

Posting here again is an excellent first step. Welcome back!
Posted By: markos Re: i want my wife back. - 06/05/12 05:02 PM
Originally Posted By: kiss
We need to start scheduling time together and family time with the kids better.


Okay, when are you going to start scheduling?

Quote:
I am really mad at my self for not thinking and getting involved in an affair.


Your anger is counter productive.
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 06/06/12 03:16 AM
we really haven't had any situations that have needed any.
Posted By: Neak Re: i want my wife back. - 06/06/12 03:27 AM
Try POJA while grocery shopping if there are no other low-emotion choices to be made. Dr. Harley said that it can be a good way of practicing, for most couples, anyway. (Occasionally you may have someone who just feels too strongly about their produce to make it work. Hopefully you and RQ would manage not to brawl over rutabagas. grin )
Posted By: My4Loves Re: i want my wife back. - 06/06/12 11:52 AM
Originally Posted By: kiss
we really haven't had any situations that have needed any.


How are you planning anything on the weekends, or for your date night?

What are you doing concerning the kids?

These should all be POJA'd
Posted By: Neak Re: i want my wife back. - 06/06/12 02:16 PM
Get your practice in on the easy stuff, where there are many solutions that both of you can be enthusiastic about. Then it'll be second nature by the time you run into a harder choice, where one of you would normally try to push your way through instead of considering each other.
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: i want my wife back. - 06/11/12 04:05 AM
Please listen to these excellent radio clips of a WH asking what he needs to do to win his BW back.

Radio Clip on a WH wanting to know what to do to win his BW back
Segment #2
Segment #3
Posted By: Neak Re: i want my wife back. - 06/11/12 02:32 PM
I would suggest posting a little each day. They don't have to be long posts, but if you're serious about helping your BW and healing your M, there will be posts.

She said she needed you to post as part of her healing process. It's such a small thing to do in order to begin repairing the damage you caused.
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 06/12/12 02:02 AM
brainhurts,
We have done all of the things discussed in the radio clips. I feel that we are closer now then we have been in a very long time. I am constantly looking for ways to make my wife happy and make sure that her EN are being meet.
Our 11TH wedding anniversary is coming up this weekend and I have taken the weekend off so we can spend it together.
I can't wait till I leave work on Friday as I have a fathers day party at my sons school. It should be a great weekend.

THANKS,
KISS
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 06/12/12 02:11 AM
Neak,

My biggest issue is that I never know what to post about. Recently my main goal is to focus on my wife constantly. As her happiness is the most important thing to me. I am always trying to make sure she knows that I am always available to her and I try to spend every second I can with her.
On Sunday I left work early to surprise her and the kids at a water park. She seemed very excited that I was there and we all had a great time spending the rest of the day together.

THANKS,
KISS
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: i want my wife back. - 06/12/12 02:17 AM
Originally Posted By: kiss
brainhurts,
We have done all of the things discussed in the radio clips. I feel that we are closer now then we have been in a very long time. I am constantly looking for ways to make my wife happy and make sure that her EN are being meet.
Our 11TH wedding anniversary is coming up this weekend and I have taken the weekend off so we can spend it together.
I can't wait till I leave work on Friday as I have a fathers day party at my sons school. It should be a great weekend.

THANKS,
KISS


Glad to hear it kiss. So how much UA time are you getting?

Have you scheduled another appointment with Steve?

Have you done your homework? Filled out the questionnaires?
Posted By: Letty Re: i want my wife back. - 06/12/12 04:43 AM
your thread title is "i want my wife back." your posts should reflect what you're doing to make that happen.

Originally Posted By: kiss
Neak,

My biggest issue is that I never know what to post about. Recently my main goal is to focus on my wife constantly. As her happiness is the most important thing to me. I am always trying to make sure she knows that I am always available to her and I try to spend every second I can with her.
On Sunday I left work early to surprise her and the kids at a water park. She seemed very excited that I was there and we all had a great time spending the rest of the day together.

THANKS,
KISS


*this* is what you can post about! what her ENs are, and how you're meeting them. it will be helpful to other WHs too.

the water park sounds great! it is lovely to be able to read about a WH earning that F. please keep posting. consider it a journal if you want.
Posted By: markos Re: i want my wife back. - 06/12/12 12:49 PM
Originally Posted By: kiss
Neak,

My biggest issue is that I never know what to post about.


What Marriage Builders books are you reading?
Posted By: markos Re: i want my wife back. - 06/12/12 12:53 PM
Originally Posted By: markos
Originally Posted By: kiss
We need to start scheduling time together and family time with the kids better.


Okay, when are you going to start scheduling?


I noticed that you did not answer this question. We can help you more if you will answer the questions that are put to you.


30 hours UA time for a marriage in crisis
15 hours FC time
Limit work to 50 hours a week, including your commute and your lunch break if any
56 hours sleep, for your health

That will leave you with 17 hours a week for other miscellaneouses.

A good schedule for a marriage recovering from trauma
Posted By: HoldHerHand Then win her back! - 06/12/12 01:49 PM
Get a binder.

Get a 3-hole punch.

Make sure your printer has plenty of ink.

Now, get to printing;

Emotional Needs

Love Busters

Personal History

Recreational Enjoyment


Save the first two to your hard drive, the second two should be fine in a one-shot.

PoJA a day of the week to sit down and schedule your UA time for the week, and for a few weeks, do the ENQ and LBQ at this time as well. As you get better at meeting each others' needs, you may find some will change rank.

When you see them moving around less, you can decrease the frequency to a few months (3-6) apart, ultimately going back to review them and starting the cycle over if you hit a crisis.

You, of course, want to eliminate ALL love busters, and put your focus on; meeting the UA requirements, and expertly meeting the top 3-5 emotional needs your wife lists in the way she states she would like them met.
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 06/13/12 01:41 AM
markos,

We have been planing things to due. We have plans on Saturday to go out to dinner and we are going to see a Shakespeare play in the evening. Then Sunday we are going out for the day with the kids but we aren't positive what we are going to do yet depending on the weather.
My job is tough because I'm salary and I must work at least 55 hours a week. 5 days 11 hours a day. also my days and hours change some days I work 5AM till 4PM, some days I work 9am till 8pm, or 1PM till 12am. what makes it tougher is I usually have to work most Saturdays and Sundays. That's why its so important for us to plan out our time together and with the kids.

THANKS,
KISS
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 06/13/12 01:51 AM
Brainhurts,

I would say that we are getting our 15 hours of UA time together most weeks. Some weeks more some weeks maybe not quite 15 hours.
No we haven't made an appointment with Steve Harvey yet. It has been tough due to our schedules but we both want to.
Some of the questionnaires we have filled out already. His main thing that he wanted me to due was to make it clear to my wife that she wasn't the cause of my affair in any way. That it was my fault for not protecting my EN's.

THANKS,
KISS
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 06/13/12 01:54 AM
Neak,

I have completed his needs her needs. My wife has Love busters so that will be my next one.

THANKS,
KISS
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: i want my wife back. - 06/13/12 04:57 AM
Originally Posted By: kiss
Brainhurts,

I would say that we are getting our 15 hours of UA time together most weeks. Some weeks more some weeks maybe not quite 15 hours.
No we haven't made an appointment with Steve Harvey yet. It has been tough due to our schedules but we both want to.
Some of the questionnaires we have filled out already. His main thing that he wanted me to due was to make it clear to my wife that she wasn't the cause of my affair in any way. That it was my fault for not protecting my EN's.

THANKS,
KISS


Can you up your UA time? Can you call Steve and make another appointment?

So what have you done to make it clear to RQ that she wasn't the reason for your affair? How are you protecting your lovebank?

Did you listen to the clips?

Here's another good clip about how a WH doesn't know how to tell his BW why he had the affair because they had a good marriage. Radio clip on WH doesn't know how to tell his BW why he had an affair
Posted By: Scotland Re: i want my wife back. - 06/13/12 12:43 PM
Kiss, posting here is part of your BW's requirements to recover your marriage, that should be motivation enough to post, as you would be willing to do everything and anything to fix what you broke.

You need to schedule at LEAST 20 hours of UA time to fix your marriage, and re-build that LB balance. And what kinds of things do you do during those times, are they completely alone? See, just spending time together, in the same room isn't UA time.

If your job is getting in the way of your life, then you need to find a new job.

For each day of the last week, write out here, when your UA time was, and what you two did. UA time is HUGELY important. Without it, you have no marriage to save.
Posted By: Everthesame Re: i want my wife back. - 06/19/12 07:25 PM
Originally Posted By: Scotland
Kiss, posting here is part of your BW's requirements to recover your marriage, that should be motivation enough to post, as you would be willing to do everything and anything to fix what you broke.



couldn't resist!
Posted By: Neak Re: i want my wife back. - 06/21/12 09:47 PM
Well, I've been gone more than a week, and I see this thread was really burning up the airwaves in the meantime. MrRollieEyes Kiss, at whatever point you get serious, we'll be here to help you along.

In the meantime, who wants to make smores? The Dervish only left me a few marshmallows, but I'll share.
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: i want my wife back. - 06/21/12 10:05 PM
Originally Posted By: Neak
Well, I've been gone more than a week, and I see this thread was really burning up the airwaves in the meantime. MrRollieEyes Kiss, at whatever point you get serious, we'll be here to help you along.

In the meantime, who wants to make smores? The Dervish only left me a few marshmallows, but I'll share.


Me, me, me.
Posted By: Neak Re: i want my wife back. - 06/21/12 10:09 PM
All this time I thought one emoticon was poking the other in the eyeball. Silly me - they just wanted a little campfire fun food.
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: i want my wife back. - 06/21/12 10:14 PM
Originally Posted By: Neak
All this time I thought one emoticon was poking the other in the eyeball. Silly me - they just wanted a little campfire fun food.

laugh that was my closest stick with marshmallow smore I could find. wink
Posted By: Neak Re: i want my wife back. - 06/21/12 10:20 PM
It's how the Dervish makes smores. It's a full contact sport.
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: i want my wife back. - 06/21/12 10:26 PM
Originally Posted By: Neak
It's how the Dervish makes smores. It's a full contact sport.

Hence the name! Love it. rotflmao
Posted By: indiegirl Re: i want my wife back. - 06/21/12 10:42 PM
I want smores! Once someone tells me what they are?
Posted By: Logans_Run Re: i want my wife back. - 06/21/12 10:46 PM
Toasted marshmallow in between 2 graham crackers and some chocolate. Pure heaven.
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: i want my wife back. - 06/21/12 10:49 PM
Originally Posted By: indiegirl
I want smores! Once someone tells me what they are?

Melted marshmallow over a campfire. Then put on chocolate bar in between graham crackers!!!

YUMMY! Very different from your blood pudding. laugh
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: i want my wife back. - 06/21/12 10:50 PM
Originally Posted By: Logans_Run
Toasted marshmallow in between 2 graham crackers and some chocolate. Pure heaven.

Aww LR too fast.
Posted By: indiegirl Re: i want my wife back. - 06/21/12 10:54 PM
Originally Posted By: BrainHurts
Originally Posted By: indiegirl
I want smores! Once someone tells me what they are?

Melted marshmallow over a campfire. Then put on chocolate bar in between graham crackers!!!

YUMMY! Very different from your blood pudding. laugh


Oh yeah it sounds different smile

I'm going to a campfire party on Saturday. Its to celebrate the Olympic torch passing through.

There will be a Victorian pie shop.....!

But should I revolutionise everyone's world with smores? What are graham crackers? Are they wafery or biscuity?
Posted By: Logans_Run Re: i want my wife back. - 06/21/12 10:55 PM
I bet if it was in a radio clip you would have beat me grin
Posted By: Neak Re: i want my wife back. - 06/21/12 11:01 PM
Graham Crackers
Posted By: indiegirl Re: i want my wife back. - 06/21/12 11:31 PM
Thanks Neak. I think digestive biscuits are the closest thing we have to that. Crumbly, sweet and kind of wheaty. They get used in cheesecake bases. Chocolate digestives are awesome! I can only imagine what adding marshmallow would do....
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: i want my wife back. - 06/21/12 11:36 PM
Originally Posted By: Logans_Run
I bet if it was in a radio clip you would have beat me grin

laugh
I'm still looking for the smore radio clip. laugh
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: i want my wife back. - 06/22/12 12:07 AM
Sorry for the T/J
Ok this is the closest I could find to a smores clip.

A woman has an AO at Burger King. Maybe they were out of smores? laugh
Radio clip on AO at Burger King
Posted By: Neak Re: i want my wife back. - 06/22/12 03:38 AM
Digestive biscuits? I hope they taste better than they sound. :p
Posted By: Letty Re: i want my wife back. - 06/22/12 05:32 AM
sorry to t/j.

indie, graham crackers aren't sweet like a digestive (depending on what kind of digestive). they have a very, very tiny bit of sweetness to them - a drop. we often give them to babies to teethe on as they are so plain. i have several boxes of them in my pantry (don't tell - i like to eat them with a little icing on top!). but i get them to make pie crusts (chocolate cream).

last trip i gave all my women friends a box of graham crackers w/a recipe for s'mores! (means "some more" as in "i want...!") great for camping, scout camps, and at our house, frankly, any ole time!

mmmm, i am totally craving a boston cream pie. someone else can tell indie what those are!

t/j over.

hey kiss, maybe you and RQ can make some smores tonight! UA time!
Posted By: indiegirl Re: i want my wife back. - 06/22/12 10:48 AM
Originally Posted By: Letty

mmmm, i am totally craving a boston cream pie. someone else can tell indie what those are!!


Oh no I've had one of those one time when in the US. yummy! Also Oreoes (which you can buy here now, yay!) and Hershey Bars (which are yuck. that isnt chocolate)
Posted By: Everthesame Re: i want my wife back. - 06/22/12 01:51 PM
Originally Posted By: indiegirl

and Hershey Bars (which are yuck. that isnt chocolate)



Gasp! How can you say such a thing?? I love Hershey. I've been to Hershey Park and to the candy factory. It's heavenly...
Posted By: indiegirl Re: i want my wife back. - 06/22/12 02:07 PM
Im sending you a bar of Cadbury's Dairy Milk, RQ. That's chocolate. Hersheys are sour and taste like feet. All Brits try Hersheys in the states and its never a good experiment.
Posted By: Neak Re: i want my wife back. - 06/22/12 07:46 PM
I went to the Hersheys factory in CA many times before they moved it to Mexico. >:(

The last time I was there, the Dervish was oh about 2-3 years old. He was asleep when we got there, and slept through the first half of the tour as I carried him along. When he woke up, we were in the walkway above the whole factory, and he opened his eyes to see chocolate and more chocolate everywhere, as far as he could see. The look on his face is one of my favoritest memories. grin
Posted By: indiegirl Re: i want my wife back. - 06/22/12 08:14 PM
That's pretty cool. I'd love to do that for my nephews.

There's a chocolate ad on at the moment, for Lindt, a swiss brand and the catchline is: Do you dream in chocolate?

My 6yo nephew turns around and says to me: 'Aunty Indie, do YOU dream in chocolate?'

'I most certainly do'.

(His eyes haze over) So do I!
Posted By: Neak Re: i want my wife back. - 06/22/12 09:23 PM
ROFL!
Posted By: Letty Re: i want my wife back. - 06/22/12 10:47 PM
Originally Posted By: indiegirl
Im sending you a bar of Cadbury's Dairy Milk, RQ. That's chocolate. Hersheys are sour and taste like feet. All Brits try Hersheys in the states and its never a good experiment.


uh uh. whittaker's chocolate - now that's chocolate! their dark choc pepperment block is yummmm! made in nz, by nz-ers, and they haven't made their bars smaller and raised the price like cadbury laugh (no offense to the queen's chocolate!)
Posted By: Neak Re: i want my wife back. - 06/22/12 11:00 PM
Are you trying to say Cadbury is furrin candy? Next thing I know, you'll be saying that Toblerone isn't American, either.
Posted By: pokerface Re: i want my wife back. - 06/22/12 11:06 PM
Originally Posted By: indiegirl
Hersheys are sour and taste like feet. All Brits try Hersheys in the states and its never a good experiment.


indie. I brought a bag of Hershey chocolate back to the office in the UK. One person put a piece in her mouth and actually spit it out into the trash and went running to the restroom to wash her mouth out.

I thought you guys were supposed to be polite.

smile
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: i want my wife back. - 06/24/12 01:12 PM

You should listen to this radio clip the BW is pregnant and her WH's OW is pregnant. The BW and WH do not live together. Dr. Harley says if both spouses are on board with MB in 35+ years it has always worked. If both aren't on board it will not work.
Radio clip
Posted By: indiegirl Re: i want my wife back. - 06/24/12 02:05 PM
Originally Posted By: Neak
Are you trying to say Cadbury is furrin candy? Next thing I know, you'll be saying that Toblerone isn't American, either.


Cadburys in the US is actually made by Hershey. Made the vast mistake of buying a Hershey-made Dairy Milk in the states!

So no, it isn't foreign!

Originally Posted By: pokerface
One person put a piece in her mouth and actually spit it out into the trash and went running to the restroom to wash her mouth out.

I thought you guys were supposed to be polite.

smile


Oh poor thing! My reaction wasn't THAT violent. The same thing happens when you give British chocolate to continental Europeans. They think were phillistines who don't understand chocolate at all! I guess the chocolate you fall in love with as a kid is the chocolate you love forever smile
Posted By: indiegirl Re: i want my wife back. - 06/24/12 02:09 PM
Originally Posted By: Letty
made in nz, by nz-ers, and they haven't made their bars smaller and raised the price like cadbury laugh (no offense to the queen's chocolate!)


No you're right it is a disgrace that only some cadburys is made in UK, the rest in Poland. They got taken over by the evil Kraft a few years ago! The chocolate that inspired Charlie and the Chocolate Factory owned by Kraft and made in Poland!
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: i want my wife back. - 06/24/12 02:14 PM
I hope if kiss comes back we didn't t/j his thread too bad. smile

Welcome back kiss. smile I hope you see the radio clip I posted for you about Dr. Harley saying both spouses have to be on board with MB for it to be successful. In 35+years he has seen it be 100% successful when both are on board.
Posted By: Neak Re: i want my wife back. - 06/24/12 03:27 PM
If Kiss comes back, he'll know we were waiting for him. grin
Posted By: Neak Re: i want my wife back. - 06/24/12 05:40 PM
For today's culinary adventure, I think I'm going to bake some melt-in-your-mouth Danish bread that I recently learned how to make. Anybody else hungry?
Posted By: indiegirl Re: i want my wife back. - 06/24/12 09:57 PM
Neak, you are trouble.

I want to lose weight and I've already scoffed tonnes of chocolate and marshmallow since you hijaked this thread.

Now yummy bread? I'm already heading to the kitchen for pain au chocolat and I blame YOU
Posted By: Neak Re: i want my wife back. - 06/24/12 10:00 PM
flirt Always glad to help. Maybe I'd better wait till later to post the recipe.
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: i want my wife back. - 06/25/12 02:43 AM
Please listen to these radio clips on just compensation to give your BW.

Radio clip on Just compensation at about the 5:30 mark
Segment #2
Posted By: Pineneedle Re: i want my wife back. - 06/25/12 03:13 AM
I doubt he'll be back. He was never serious about recovery.
Posted By: Neak Re: i want my wife back. - 06/25/12 03:26 AM
He's not remotely serious. When he is, he'll be back. And we'll be waiting.

That may have sounded ominous. It's not....necessarily. grin

Seriously though, when he reaches the place where he understands that he's ALREADY LOST HIS FAMILY, chances are good that we'll see him on here again. His M is by no means hopeless yet; he needs to understand the gravity of what he's done.
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: i want my wife back. - 06/25/12 03:46 AM
Originally Posted By: Neak
He's not remotely serious. When he is, he'll be back. And we'll be waiting.

That may have sounded ominous. It's not....necessarily. grin

Seriously though, when he reaches the place where he understands that he's ALREADY LOST HIS FAMILY, chances are good that we'll see him on here again. His M is by no means hopeless yet; he needs to understand the gravity of what he's done.

I sure hope so for RQ and those kids and for himself.
Posted By: Neak Re: i want my wife back. - 06/25/12 03:52 AM
I do, too. The window keeps narrowing for this thing to be saved, and still things keep coasting along toward Niagara Falls. It's still possible to row safely to shore, but it's way closer to the Point of No Return than I like to ever see anyone go.
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: i want my wife back. - 06/25/12 03:53 AM
Originally Posted By: Neak
I do, too. The window keeps narrowing for this thing to be saved, and still things keep coasting along toward Niagara Falls. It's still possible to row safely to shore, but it's way closer to the Point of No Return than I like to ever see anyone go.

I know, right.

It's scary to watch from afar.
Posted By: Neak Re: i want my wife back. - 06/25/12 04:00 AM
Especially when we know how amazing things could have been already.
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: i want my wife back. - 06/25/12 04:11 AM
Originally Posted By: Neak
Especially when we know how amazing things could have been already.


Exactly.

I keep hearing the clip I posted of Dr. Harley saying in 35+ years the MB program is 100% successful when both spouses are on board.

It's like when you give your kid's advice and they go out and do their own thing and then come back wishing they had listened to you.

I tell them "welcome to making your own choices and learning." Part of being a parent and more frustrating when it's adults that you're dealing with. smirk
Posted By: Neak Re: i want my wife back. - 06/25/12 01:43 PM
Yup.
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 06/28/12 07:16 PM
brainhurts,

Thanks for the radio clips. I have been reading on the site but haven't posted. I was inspired by the talk of smores and went out last week and bought a fire pit and had smores with the kids, rocket queen and my family that's visiting from Florida.
I feel that our marriage has been great as we continue to spend time together and with the kids. I had eye surgery three days ago and still can't see a thing. But my incredible wife and best friend has been by me helping me through it. I don't know what I would do without her.
We have another appointment with Dr. Harley on Friday after another visit to the eye doctors. can't wait to talk to the coaching center as I know how important it is to my wife.

Thanks,
KISS
Posted By: Neak Re: i want my wife back. - 06/28/12 07:46 PM
Hopefully you'll keep posting, too. Good to hear from you - and it's great that you have an appt with Dr. H. smile
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: i want my wife back. - 06/28/12 08:01 PM
Thanks for the update kiss. Hope your eye recovery goes well.

Please let us know what Steve says.

What did you think of the clips?
Posted By: Letty Re: i want my wife back. - 06/29/12 04:15 AM
that's great kiss (the smores)! hope you recover your sight soon.

you know what they say: a happy wife = happy life. you will be thrilled and excited yourself when your m is on track and thriving.
Posted By: HoldHerHand Re: i want my wife back. - 06/29/12 08:49 AM
Originally Posted By: Letty
you know what they say: a happy wife = happy life


think

Hmmm... where have I heard this before?


.....



....


...


..


.


Aha!

Quote:
When it comes to making marriage fulfilling for a wife, the "when mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy" approach dominates the thinking of many husbands. In this time-honored line of attack, a husband simply does whatever his wife wants, in the hope that he'll at least have peace and quiet. But peace and quiet doesn't turn out to be that easy. In fact, the more a husband reinforces a wife's "ain't nobody happy" part of the equation, the more skilled she becomes in making him miserable.

The problem in this scenario that I've described is in the goal of marital conflict resolution. It's a win-lose goal that starts from the very beginning of courtship. When one spouse wins, the other loses. In the beginning, he's willing to lose so that she can win. But eventually he expects her to do a little losing so he can win once in a while. When that's not forthcoming, at least to his satisfaction, he tries to win without her consent by making decisions independently. That's another win-lose goal.

My position on conflict resolution in any romantic relationship is that whenever a couple has a conflict, their choice should not be between doing whatever he wants or whatever she wants (win-lose), but rather doing what they both want (win-win). They could avoid all of the unpleasantness I've been describing by simply accepting this basic premise.

My goal for husbands who want to make their wives happy is for them to limit their choices to win-win solutions to all marital conflicts. And I put a great deal of effort into helping them learn to achieve that objective. Why just husbands, you may ask? Why not put equal effort into helping wives? Well, I'd like to be able to put equal effort into helping both spouses, but I usually find myself focusing most of my attention on husbands because they're the ones who resist finding win-win solutions the most. Women usually seem to see the wisdom of it almost immediately, while it usually takes men a while longer to catch on.


http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8122_wife.html
Posted By: indiegirl Re: i want my wife back. - 06/29/12 09:02 AM
Get well soon Kiss. Eager to hear Dr Hs advice for you both.
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 07/01/12 04:37 AM
So we never got to talk to Steve as our appointment was for 2:30 we kept calling every 10 minutes like we our supposed to. we called until almost 3:30 never getting through.
We had to stop trying because we had my cousins wedding to go to that started at 5. so it was frustrating not getting through as it is so hard for us to set an appointment due to our work schedules.
By the way the eye is feeling much better even though i can't see a darn thing out of it.

THANKS,
KISS
Posted By: TheLongRun Re: i want my wife back. - 07/01/12 04:51 AM
Hey Kiss, I hope your eye continues to improve. I'd hoped you would come back here, as I'd read your thread and I think your point of view is needed for people who read here. It's evident how much you really love RQ; please take very good care of her and all your kids.
Posted By: Letty Re: i want my wife back. - 07/01/12 05:31 AM
Originally Posted By: kiss
So we never got to talk to Steve as our appointment was for 2:30 we kept calling every 10 minutes like we our supposed to. we called until almost 3:30 never getting through.
We had to stop trying because we had my cousins wedding to go to that started at 5. so it was frustrating not getting through as it is so hard for us to set an appointment due to our work schedules.
By the way the eye is feeling much better even though i can't see a darn thing out of it.

THANKS,
KISS


glad to hear the eye is better. we have had that happen with SH too. sometimes he gets caught up in a marital emergency. you did leave messages, right? he is pretty good about getting you another appt asap when this happens. do contact his office w/this info. i hope you get scheduled soon. it IS frustrating, i know. we had to call at 4 am due to time zones! now getting up at 3.45am and never getting your appt - that's frustrating! but i figured if he couldn't take a call from down here at the bottom of the world, then someone more desperate than i needed him more. goodness knows you need that appt, kiss, so do what you have to do to meet the first available opportunity, ok?
Posted By: indiegirl Re: i want my wife back. - 07/01/12 09:25 AM
Originally Posted By: kiss

By the way the eye is feeling much better even though i can't see a darn thing out of it.


Glad to hear it.
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 07/02/12 02:33 AM
Letty,

Yes we did leave messages. My wife sent an email also trying to see if we can reschedule for Thursday morning. The hard thing is im a retail manager that works different hours and my wife works a state job that is 9 to 5. So on Thursday im off and see is trying to go in late. I will keep everyone updated.

THANKS,
KISS
Posted By: Letty Re: i want my wife back. - 07/02/12 02:38 AM
very good, kiss. keep it up. sometimes you have to be persistent, the "squeaky wheel" YKWIM?
Posted By: Neak Re: i want my wife back. - 07/02/12 03:01 AM
Yep, keep trying. Persistence in sticking to the plan is one of the most important parts of recovery.
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: i want my wife back. - 07/02/12 03:07 AM
Originally Posted By: kiss
Letty,

Yes we did leave messages. My wife sent an email also trying to see if we can reschedule for Thursday morning. The hard thing is im a retail manager that works different hours and my wife works a state job that is 9 to 5. So on Thursday im off and see is trying to go in late. I will keep everyone updated.

THANKS,
KISS

Keep it up kiss and thanks for updating.
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 07/07/12 04:29 AM
So we had our session with Steve Harley on Thursday morning. It went very well but he gave me a lot of "home work" so im going to have to try to make some time tomorrow. Its going to be difficult as we are both off tomorrow. (A rare weekend day off for me so we try to do stuff together with the kids).
Posted By: Neak Re: i want my wife back. - 07/07/12 04:38 AM
Good! Well, the kids can have some time, too, without changing your priority of MommyDaddy Time first.
Posted By: Letty Re: i want my wife back. - 07/08/12 01:05 AM
Originally Posted By: kiss
So we had our session with Steve Harley on Thursday morning. It went very well but he gave me a lot of "home work" so im going to have to try to make some time tomorrow. Its going to be difficult as we are both off tomorrow. (A rare weekend day off for me so we try to do stuff together with the kids).


great! the homework and UA time are your priority. the kids can wait (not that you can't do something special with them too, but keep to time). children need a stable, loving home. you create that by creating a stable, loving marriage. your kids will benefit from your M, so the M is #1 priority.

let us know how it goes. when's your next appt?
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: i want my wife back. - 07/08/12 02:49 AM
Good kiss and thanks for the update.

I agree with Neak and Letty. Caring for mom and dad is the most important thing at the moment. This is what's best for the children.

Have you read this?
Caring for the Children, means Caring for Each Other.
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 07/09/12 03:29 AM
Yesterday evening I asked rocketqueen to sit down and talk to me. We discussed some of what we talked to Dr. Harley about. I gave her a no contact letter that Dr. Harley wanted me to write. It stated that in any circumstance if I was contacted by the woman I had my affair with trys to contact me that I would avoid her and contact rocketqueen immediately. Then I had to give five scenarios. I felt that we are beyond that but its something he had asked so I did it.
After we discussed the no contact letter we discussed the amount of pain that she felt and the hell I put her through. Dr. Harley wanted me to discuss with her how some of his past clients have said the pain of dealing with their spouse's affair was the worst thing that they ever had to deal with. Some of them said worse then dealing with rap, father being murdered, even the death of one mans 8 year old son.
When I asked her if this was true she said that at least when you get rapped its by a stranger most of the time!! That was hard to hear. Then she gave me her diary that she wrote in when things started to get bad. That was really tough to read. It really hit me hard. We discussed my state of mind at the time and she said that I turned into a different person. Now looking back i see what a lost soul I was EVERY DECISION I made was the wrong one. I really felt like a piece of sh** after that conversation. Dr. Harley said that there will be a lot of tough conversations along the way and that was deffinity one of them. I am exspecting many more. I AM READY!!!

KISS
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: i want my wife back. - 07/09/12 03:40 AM
You're doing a good job, improving yourself one day at a time
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: i want my wife back. - 07/09/12 04:41 AM
Kiss have you asked RQ for her forgiveness?

Of course you still need to give her JC, but have you asked?
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 07/13/12 09:35 PM
no I haven't asked her to forgive me. I don't think she is there yet. We continue to grow and become a lot closer. I don't want to put pressure on her or make her feel added stress.
We went to see Ace Frehley in Time Square and it was a great to be there with my best friend. In the past every time I have gone to see Ace I have gone alone. So it was awesome to be able to hold her and have fun.

KISS
Posted By: HerPapaBear Re: i want my wife back. - 07/13/12 09:38 PM
Originally Posted By: kiss
no I haven't asked her to forgive me. I don't think she is there yet.


Talk about one HUGE DJ....
Posted By: HerPapaBear Re: i want my wife back. - 07/13/12 09:40 PM
Originally Posted By: kiss
I don't want to put pressure on her or make her feel added stress.


And there fly'eth another.....

Make sure you have an umbrella, it's raining DJ's
Posted By: indiegirl Re: i want my wife back. - 07/13/12 09:46 PM
Originally Posted By: kiss
no I haven't asked her to forgive me. I don't think she is there yet. I have not done enough to earn it yet
Posted By: Neak Re: i want my wife back. - 07/13/12 11:07 PM
You may need to ask repeatedly before she's ready to forgive you.

If you're not ready to do that, you're not ready to be forgiven.
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: i want my wife back. - 07/13/12 11:11 PM
Originally Posted By: Neak
You may need to ask repeatedly before she's ready to forgive you.

If you're not ready to do that, you're not ready to be forgiven.

Thanks Neak.

That's what I was trying to imply. smile

Kiss, how will you know if you don't ask?
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 07/14/12 02:42 PM
Neak and Brain,

Thanks I will discuss it with her. I have a question. Rocketqueen came to me and asked me about a phone call I made to my old work place. Its where the OW works but I called there to speak to one of my former employees to see if he would want to come work for me at my location. I have an opening and he would be a huge asset to me and its closer to his home by about a half hour. Rocketqueen questioned me about the call. She wasn't agressive but when I told her the above I didn't get a response. So I don't know if I should readdress the conversation or if she was ok with it. Is what I did wrong? I don't know if it wwas big deal to her or if she just needed reassurance.

THANKS,

KISS
Posted By: HoldHerHand Re: i want my wife back. - 07/14/12 02:47 PM
Originally Posted By: kiss
Neak and Brain,

Thanks I will discuss it with her. I have a question. Rocketqueen came to me and asked me about a phone call I made to my old work place. Its where the OW works but I called there to speak to one of my former employees to see if he would want to come work for me at my location. I have an opening and he would be a huge asset to me and its closer to his home by about a half hour. Rocketqueen questioned me about the call. She wasn't agressive but when I told her the above I didn't get a response. So I don't know if I should readdress the conversation or if she was ok with it. Is what I did wrong? I don't know if it wwas big deal to her or if she just needed reassurance.

THANKS,

KISS



Gampelan; next time you do something this lunkheaded, you tell her BEFORE you make the call, and give her the option to be present while you make the call. That, sir, is transparency.

What you did there? Possible violation of EP's, and total violation of PoJA.

Make sense?
Posted By: HoldHerHand Re: i want my wife back. - 07/14/12 02:49 PM
And yes, it was a big deal. You called the workplace of your former affair partner.

Think about that.

You have proven yourself a liar, and that you will do something that would injure her as much as your infidelity... why should she buy your story?

THINK man, THINK.
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 07/14/12 02:59 PM
Got it. I didn't realize it at the time. I was going to tell her and I didn't bring it up to her before she approached me about it. Next time I will put more thought into it. I didn't have his cell number or I would have called it.

THANKS,
KISS
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: i want my wife back. - 07/14/12 02:59 PM
HHH hit it out of the park.

Kiss you're trying to earn her trust back. So you need to stop all behaviour that would cause her confusion.

You POJA it.

RQ I was thinking about calling XYZ about a job with me here. How would you feel about that? Would you like to be present when I make the call?

It's all about thinking about her.
Posted By: LuvsDavid Re: i want my wife back. - 07/14/12 03:18 PM
Originally Posted By: kiss
Got it. I didn't realize it at the time. I was going to tell her and I didn't bring it up to her before she approached me about it. Next time I will put more thought into it. I didn't have his cell number or I would have called it.

THANKS,
KISS


My FWH has done this. I remember spending the whole day in a panic. Waiting for him to come to me and tell me about it so I would not have to ask.

I always felt that if I had to ask it was usually bad. If it was not volunteered it was something he didnt want me to know about.
Posted By: Scotland Re: i want my wife back. - 07/14/12 03:46 PM
HHH has hit it on the head exactly. Of course RQ's first thought would be that you were making contact with OW. It's a HUGE trigger.
Posted By: Neak Re: i want my wife back. - 07/14/12 05:08 PM
Had AJ done this, I would have freaked out, at least inside. I probably would have gotten enough control not to hit him in the head with a frying pan when I asked him about it, but in my heart I would have gone back to all the terror and heartache of the A.

The Bible says to avoid the appearance of evil. In other words, don't do anything that could be misconstrued as being wrong. This is 100x more important for you now, when because of your recent track record, RQ has solid reasons NOT to trust you, and only the beginning glimmers of the possibility of a new track record.

I don't say that to throw the A in your face; I want you to have an understanding of RQ, and to realize that until she has seen a new track record from you for quite some time, she will be unable to rely on the changes you're making.

And your carelessness of a few moments can wreck months or even years of hard work.

For you, avoiding the appearance of evil will look like you being so thoughtful of RQ that do nothing that might make her worry for even a moment that you're back in C with the OW, or forging any ties with another woman.

At first it's a lot of work to retrain your habits. But within a couple weeks, this kind of thoughtfulness will be second nature, and you won't even have to consciously think about it. The benefits that you give to RQ by making sure she always feels safe will pay dividends to you, too, since a W who feels safe and loved will be much more enthusiastic about meeting your own EN's.

It's a win-win for both of you.
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 07/15/12 02:56 PM
Thanks everyone for the feedback I get it. Irealize now and understand how much of a trigger it would be for RQ.


THANKS,
KISS
Posted By: Neak Re: i want my wife back. - 07/16/12 02:24 PM
What is your plan for today? It doesn't have to be a big one - recovery is bitten off in bite-sized chunks, one day at a time.
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 07/22/12 01:04 AM
Neak,
Sorry for not responding but today we didn't do much I left for work at 4:30 this morning and got home about 5 PM. Rocketqueen made dinner as I have been going through a lot of my KISS collectibles and trying to sell some on Ebay as I have so much.
After dinner she then went shopping with our daughter and I stayed home with our 6 year old son. I wanted to go shopping with her but she didn't want to deal with my sons unwillingness to listen in the grocery store. We will be putting the kids to bed soon then hopefully we can sit down and relax together.

THANKS,
KISS
Posted By: Scotland Re: i want my wife back. - 07/22/12 08:28 PM
How much UA time are you guys getting every week? What are the types of activities you are doing during these times? Are you going on dates OUTSIDE of the house at least twice a week?
Posted By: Neak Re: i want my wife back. - 07/28/12 04:23 AM
How's your homework coming? I'd like nothing better than to see the two of you succeed in building a fabulous new M together.
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 07/30/12 01:51 AM
Neak,

I need help. PLEASE!!!!!! Rocketqueen and I had a talk last night and it was tough. She is having a lot of issues with me. I have been trying to make sure I'm meeting her EN's and feel like im doing a good job of it. But she still isn't happy.

She is having trouble moving on. I had a comment to her that the affair is like a very bad injury and she keeps picking at it keeping it a fresh wound. I told her that we need to get her where she can let it heal the best that it can. It will never heal 100% their will be a scar.

So I need help getting her to the point of not living the injury constantly. How do I get her to heal? What can I do to help us?

THANKS for always trying to help us,
KISS
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: i want my wife back. - 07/30/12 01:53 AM
Originally Posted By: kiss
Neak,

I need help. PLEASE!!!!!! Rocketqueen and I had a talk last night and it was tough. She is having a lot of issues with me. I have been trying to make sure I'm meeting her EN's and feel like im doing a good job of it. But she still isn't happy.

She is having trouble moving on. I had a comment to her that the affair is like a very bad injury and she keeps picking at it keeping it a fresh wound. I told her that we need to get her where she can let it heal the best that it can. It will never heal 100% their will be a scar.

So I need help getting her to the point of not living the injury constantly. How do I get her to heal? What can I do to help us?

THANKS for always trying to help us,
KISS

What just compensation have you given her? Can't We Just Forgive and Forget?

Have you asked her what she NEEDS from you? Write it down when she tells you?
Posted By: Scotland Re: i want my wife back. - 07/30/12 01:57 AM
Kiss, this is one of the most important parts of recovery, how much UA time have you and RQ had every week?

You need to follow the POJA, PORH and POUA. How have you been in these areas?
Posted By: Littlebit3 Re: i want my wife back. - 07/30/12 02:03 AM
Hey there kiss. The only information I can give you is from my perspective as a betrayed spouse/wife. I think after readin around here for a while, most of us get that we were a huge part in screwing up our marriages. It isn't just our spouse's fault after all!! You and your wife didn't meet eachother's ENs. That said, your way of dealing with it destroyed everything.

Have you made up for it? Does she know by you working your tail end off to make changes, by your genuine remorse that you are sorry? Ar you walking right beside her in working through her fears every single step of the way to give her strength and build trust? Have you put EP's in place? If you are pulling the "can't really deal with it, don't want to face it, not really showing remorse, just get over it as fast as you can behavior, she will NEVER be able to move past it. You cut her and your marriage as deep as you possibly could. You have to face it, own it, feel how much you hurt her and destroyed her trust in you, and show it and right your wrongs!!! It isn't going to go away for her. Your actions/lack of actions show her how truly sorry you are or are not!!
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: i want my wife back. - 07/30/12 02:08 AM
Originally Posted By: Scotland
Kiss, this is one of the most important parts of recovery, how much UA time have you and RQ had every week?

You need to follow the POJA, PORH and POUA. How have you been in these areas?


Yes kiss.

Tell us exactly how much UA you're getting.
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: i want my wife back. - 07/30/12 02:28 AM
An excellent radio clip on just compensation.

Radio Clip on Just Compensation at 5:15 mark
Posted By: Littlebit3 Re: i want my wife back. - 07/30/12 02:30 AM
BH, I can't get the radio clips to work on my laptop. What program do I need. I saw you write that answer to someone. I downloaded the latest flash player, real player, adobe, and something else. I don't have any trouble playing anything else. Do you have any advice for me?
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: i want my wife back. - 07/30/12 02:31 AM
Originally Posted By: Littlebit3
BH, I can't get the radio clips to work on my laptop. What program do I need. I saw you write that answer to someone. I downloaded the latest flash player, real player, adobe, and something else. I don't have any trouble playing anything else. Do you have any advice for me?

Download firefox.

Try that and let me know.
Posted By: Neak Re: i want my wife back. - 07/30/12 03:49 AM
The NC letter is only the beginning. You need to lead the way in developing a whole new lifestyle, a whole new way of thinking, a whole new way of being careful of each other and protecting each other.

I'm not going to throw too much at you all at once, since I want you to be able to answer the excellent questions the others have already asked. I know RQ had asked for you to carry out a list of items to help her begin her healing process.

Where do you stand with the list?
Posted By: unwritten Re: i want my wife back. - 07/30/12 04:26 PM
Kiss,

I am in recovery also and have an understanding of RQ's situation based on my own recent experiences. I want to share with you MY experience and perhaps you can find some piece of information that is helpful to you, maybe not.

After a yr of trickle truth and other confessions, my H confessed to a ONS in August of 2010. This would make it almost two yrs ago, and they say it takes two yrs to recover right? I thought on that day, as hurt as I was, that perhaps this would be a new beginning and I would finally have an H who would pull out ALL STOPS to work toward recovery with me. I did not just want this behind us, I was EAGER and excited to move forward and have the marriage I always wanted. Now some of that was shock, it wouldn't have been nearly so easy for me, the queen of resentment, to do that. But the willingness to move forward was there.

In my dreamy state I had visions of my H falling down on his knees, begging me not to leave, promising me that he would fight for me and do everything he could possibly do to keep me and make me the happiest woman alive. I had visions of him calling a MC the very next morning at 8:00 am, pulling out our MB materials and demanding that we spend hours a day working on them, planning a vacation for us to get away from it all to work on our M, posting on these forums to tell everyone what an A he was and to get help to turn this around.

Ya, he did none of that. He said "I will do whatever you want me to do to fix this." And then, he went back to his regular life. I sat stunned, my heart and soul completely shattered by the pain, wondering why he felt so little compassion that he not only did this, but then ignored it and went on with life as if nothing had happened.

I went through some VERY angry phases. I still have a document titled '50 things I hate about you' on my computer (and I went back to amend it and add more). I felt disgust for him, for at least 2 months. I suffered the worse pain I have ever felt, sobbing in the shower every day for months, and throwing up randomly whenever I thought of some other B with her hands on my property. I am not saying I wouldn't have gone through all that, but would it have hurt LESS if he had just been the man I envisioned him being after DDay?

He WAS willing to do the work. If I had come to him with some homework, if I had made an appt with MC, he would have done the work and gone to the appt. But that was not enough for me. I needed HIM to bring the work TO ME. I needed HIM to make the appt with MC. I needed HIM to drive the recovery train, and as much as the wonderful MB posters told me that it didn't matter who drove the train as long as it got back on track, it mattered TO ME. I needed him to fight for me. I needed to know that he wanted ME, after feeling like he didn't for so long, and that he would do whatever he could to keep me here.

I told him a million times that it would not be what he did do, but rather what he didn't that would be the end of us. Gradually over the next year, I became less angry. I became less resentful, less bitter. I became even less sad. I just felt, nothing. I wanted peace from all this. At one time living a life without him seemed amazingly sad and difficult, and gradually it seemed PEACEFUL and safe.

So sometime in the spring, I told him I was done. My LB was at an all time low. I had spent hours praying for God to make me not love him anymore, because I didn't want to feel the pain that loving him costed. Seems like I got that prayer answered, because I felt so...empty. I told him that I would give it the summer, and then I was filing for divorce. I had been so resentful, I hadn't been putting the effort in I needed to, and I wanted to take the summer to do just that, to know I had done everything I could. I thought I could do it if I knew it was going to end soon. I needed an end to this.

I did not think he would turn it around. I gave him the summer for ME, not really for him, I had lost hope that he would ever care enough about me and our M to turn it around. But he did. (So far, summers not over yet...) We have had a great summer and have accomplished more in the last couple of months than we did in the couple of years before that. And it was not because of his 'willingness to do the work.' It was because he decided he did not want to lose me, and he pulled out all the stops to fight for me.

You feel remorse, and you want to get through this and be married to your beautiful wife. But it is going to take more than your willingness to do this. It is going to take you fighting for her. I don't think everyone needs this level of commitment. But I did, and from my following RQ's recovery thread, I think she does too.

I came within a breath away of being completely and totally done, and I still struggle with wanting to throw in the towel any time things start going back to 'normal.' H came very, very close to me walking away with no regrets. RQ is almost where I was, IMO. Your nonchalant attitude toward this is causing that. You have to be more than just willing to do the work, when she stands over you like a school teacher. YOU have to DRIVE. You told her with your A that she is not worth it, that you do not want her. You need to prove to her now that this is NOT the case.

You have a great advantage over many people in your shoes, because you have specific things requested of you. Do they make you uncomfortable? How will being divorced, living alone, and watching your wife date other men make you feel? That is the alternative to posting on this site, making amends with her family, and doing the other 'uncomfortable' things she is asking you to do. YOU OWE HER THIS. This, is what Just Compensation is. You can never erase what you did, but you can fight for her and make her feel like she is worth it.

Are you willing to do this?

If you have questions, you can ask anyone here on this board. You will get the answer. If you have questions about what she wants, you can ASK HER. I am certain she will be excited that you care enough to clarify, as I would have been.

You CAN change this, but you need to do it now. You need to 1) prioritize RQ and your M recovery above ALL ELSE. Before you invest time, energy, thought into anything else you need to ask yourself if there is anything you could instead be doing at that moment for RQ and your M. You need to 2) come to her every week and say 'we need to plan our UA time.' And don't let her walk away until its done. You have been in recovery long enough to recognize the importance of this time. YOU need to drive this, make sure it is done. Also, post on here. I know it isn't everyones cup of tea, but it is important to her that you are getting the feedback. I don't ask my H to post, but I do ask him to read MY posts because I think he can learn from the feedback. He read to page 17 and stopped, (there are now 51 pages), and it made me feel like he didn't care enough to 'read.' How hard is that really? He did, last week, catch himself up after I told him this. Everybody here wants to see you succeed at this, so there is no better place to get support.

OK this is really long and perhaps I lost you long ago. I really want to see you and RQ succeed. It is SO FRUSTRATING, as a BS, to be SO CLOSE to having a complete recovery and amazing M and yet to just not be able to quite reach it. YOU can bridge that gap Kiss, if you choose.
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: i want my wife back. - 07/31/12 03:29 AM
The Critical Importance of Undivided Attention
Posted By: Scotland Re: i want my wife back. - 07/31/12 02:01 PM
Kiss, you put a shout out for help, and now, we hear nothing but crickets. What's going on? We all want only the best for you and RQ.
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 08/06/12 01:53 AM
We aren't getting nearly enough. We did go out to night for dinner and we went bowling. We had the kids with us and it was a desaster. They didn't listen and they were awful. I was so frustrated I feel that them being so bad all the time is just a huge stress that we don't need.

I just asked my wife to make plans for the week as she is lying here on the couch and she said " ok I will see you Thursday".

So this is my delemma. I work the next two days fro 9:30 AM till 8:30 PM. Then Wednesday from 1pm till midnight. I feel that my job is a huge burden that is making her feel like I don't care about her and that im not putting an effort into us!!!! It is so frustrating I am thinking about quiting but I make good money and I feel financially we will not make it. But i I don't quite I will lose my wife!!!!!

SSSSSSSSSSSSSOOOOOOOOOOO FRUSTRATING.
Posted By: markos Re: i want my wife back. - 08/06/12 02:00 AM
Hey, kiss,

if you aren't getting the time in, then your wife is right. You aren't caring. Your care is just words if it doesn't include the actions outlined on this site.

15-30 hours together alone without kids, weekly.

15 hours together with kids.

You have to make it happen, even if everything else drops, even if you have to move heaven and earth.

AND,

everything you do, all day long, every day, with her or not,

has to be something she is enthusiastic about.

That's care. That's thoughtfulness.

If it doesn't look like this, it's just words.
Posted By: Northwood8900 Re: i want my wife back. - 08/06/12 02:54 PM
Originally Posted By: kiss
I feel that my job is a huge burden that is making her feel like I don't care about her and that im not putting an effort into us!!!! It is so frustrating I am thinking about quiting but I make good money and I feel financially we will not make it. But i I don't quite I will lose my wife!!!!!


Looks like those are your two choices, then.

No one said it'd be easy.
Posted By: markos Re: i want my wife back. - 08/06/12 03:32 PM
Originally Posted By: Dr. Harley, on the radio
I've told a lot of men, it's 80% your fault. If this marriage ends in a divorce, you're to blame. And they don't like hearing that kind of thing from me, but I would say that in this particular case, it's true.


http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=4027
Posted By: markos Re: i want my wife back. - 08/06/12 03:51 PM
kiss,

I was thinking about you on the way in to work this morning.

My feeling is really that you are not serious, and that your wife's emotions are responding to this. Completely rationally.

Why do I say you are not serious? You asked questions days ago, then didn't show back up to read the answers or respond until last night. You only show up here when it seems like things are going bad. You post a bit, then vanish. You aren't making the changes to make things better long term; you are just reacting to your wife's feelings, constantly trying to soothe things over. But because you are reacting moment by moment, instead of working the PLAN, you keep getting into a state where your wife's feelings are negative again. You are causing this, and you aren't getting active and involved enough to find out what LONG TERM CHANGES you need to make so that you can have a positive effect on your wife's feelings ALL THE TIME.

Take a look again at Dr. Harley's four rules for recovery after an affair:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5065_qa.html

Protection, Care, Time, and Honesty.

You probably think you've been following the program, and you're wondering why it's not working. I'm here to tell you it's not working, because like most people you've got huge blind spots. And in those blind spots are some massive failures to follow the program.

If you are serious, you'll ask your friends (us) to look you over and let you know what you are missing, and then you will correct it.

If you are not serious, you'll just try constantly to keep your wife's feelings at bay, and call this "recovery," and wonder why it's not working. For example, you'll tell her you care about you, maybe bring her flowers or something, tell her you love her, and call this "care," but that's not really following Dr. Harley's rule of care, because you are not spending the time with her that is really necessary for care. Or, you'll conceal things from her or try to fudge the truth, all to "protect" her, because you care about her and want her to feel better after everything horrible you did to her, but that's not really care, because you're not following the Rule of Honesty.

Being SERIOUS involves building a lifestyle that makes your wife thrilled and happy with you all of the time. You are treating it more like giving her a small shot because she is ill. She is not the problem. Your kids being bad is not the problem. You're the problem, friend, and we'd like to help you not be the problem.
Posted By: Neak Re: i want my wife back. - 08/06/12 06:25 PM
I've got a few quotes for you from Fall in Love, Stay in Love, which I use in the FILSIL-based marriage seminar I have done several times at church.

Quote:
“I’ve counseled hundreds of couples that care about each other yet have filed for divorce.

“The reason that caring love is not enough to save a marriage is that good intentions only carry you so far…When your acts of care meet your spouse’s important emotional needs, they trigger romantic love.”
~FILSIL, p. 20


Quote:
If spouses are to meet each other’s needs, they must do for each other what they don’t necessarily appreciate themselves.
~FILSIL, p. 43


Quote:
“Your time together is too important to the security of your marriage to neglect. It’s more important than time spent doing anything else during the week, including time with your children and your job.

“It isn’t time you don’t have; it’s time you will use for something much less important if you don’t use it for each other.”

~ FILSIL, p. 85


This doesn't mean for everyone to go out and automatically quit their jobs. What it means is that the job is second priority to the M. If the job can't be kept in its place, and the M still be #1, then the job needs to go.

I don't know anything about your job, or if it's possible for you to place boundaries around the time it needs. I do know that no job is more important than M.
Posted By: Scotland Re: i want my wife back. - 08/06/12 07:51 PM
Have you psoken to RQ about your job and what your choices may be? This would be a good opportunity to start a POJA convo. This is DEFINITELY something that can not be decided on your own, as it would fall under an IB. Is there a lot of IB in your marriage? That will need to change.
Posted By: Neak Re: i want my wife back. - 08/06/12 10:08 PM
If RQ doesn't want to POJA the job situation right now, I would recommend making no changes until/unless she's on board with the discussion. Replacing one IB with another isn't the answer.

What about your non-job time? Does your job take up every waking minute? What would your other options be for UA time?
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 08/07/12 02:10 AM
My job schedule does suck most of the time. For instance this week my schedule is as follows Monday 9:30 am to 8:30 pm, tuesday 1 pm till 12 pm, Wednesday 1pm till 12 pm Thursday and Friday off, Saturday 9:30am to 8:30 pm, sunday 6 am till 5 pm.
Rocketqueen works Monday through Friday 9-5. Since she said we don't spend enough time together I offered to step down or change jobs. Stepping down would be a pay cut of about $45,000 a year about half of my pay.She is telling me not to do it. I told her I would rather lose my career then lose my family.
I believe that she has already decided that we are done.
Posted By: Prisca Re: i want my wife back. - 08/07/12 02:15 AM
Quote:
I believe that she has already decided that we are done.

why?
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 08/07/12 02:28 AM
I have been trying to meet all of her emotional needs. Helping out around the house with cleaning, dishes and taking care of the kids. I try to keep in touch with her the best I can when im at work but most of the time its difficult to responde to her.
I do notice a big difference in her reaction and engagement to me when I work for a couple of days in a row and we don't see each other. Compared to when I'm off and we are together for a couple of days. But she tells me that she doesn't believe that all the hours I work has anything to do with it.
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 08/07/12 02:56 AM
She said she wants me to move out. She doesn't think that I'm making an effort. All I do is try to spend every minute with her and the kids that I'm not working.
Then this evening she just told me that she wants us to live apart so we can work on our selves and the marriage.

How do you work on the marriage being apart!!!! especially when she is complaining that we don't spend enough time together!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FRUSTRATED KISS
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 08/07/12 03:18 AM
I still have work to do. She wants me to post. She wants me to go to individual counceling ( witch I was but we started to go together) now not at all. She said that it wasn't helping us. I believe because she didn't always get the answer or response that she wanted. I still haven't written an apology letter to her parents. Everything else has been done.
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: i want my wife back. - 08/07/12 03:21 AM
Originally Posted By: kiss
I still have work to do. She wants me to post. She wants me to go to individual counceling ( witch I was but we started to go together) now not at all. She said that it wasn't helping us. I believe because she didn't always get the answer or response that she wanted. I still haven't written an apology letter to her parents. Everything else has been done.

Why haven't you written the letter to her parents?

So it sounds like she wasn't seeing your actions?

Posted By: BrainHurts Re: i want my wife back. - 08/07/12 04:12 AM
Excellent clip of Dr. H telling how he has clients that just won't put the work in. It won't work if you aren't willing to put the time in and make it a priority.
Radio clip on putting the work in

So kiss, are you REALLY putting the work in or is it all just words?
Posted By: Northwood8900 Re: i want my wife back. - 08/07/12 02:01 PM
Originally Posted By: kiss
I have been trying to meet all of her emotional needs. Helping out around the house with cleaning, dishes and taking care of the kids.


Just a tip for you: helping around the house and taking care of the kids is your job. You're supposed to do that.

Too, doing the dishes probably never got any woman all ready if you know what I mean. "Oooh, I just LOVE how he uses Cascade instead of the off-brand dishwasher soap!" Come on now. smile
Posted By: SunnyDinTX Re: i want my wife back. - 08/07/12 05:11 PM
Kiss,

Take it from someone who's been there: your wife wants you to not just check items off the list of things to do to offer just compensation, but to WOO her. She needs you to win her over! In order to feel secure in reconciling with you, she needs to feel you are passionate about her - about the two of you together - about doing everything you can to make it up to her that you hurt her so badly. She needs to FEEL you are remorseful and repentant.

You should have had that letter to her family done a long time ago - along with pursuing counseling, preferably with SH!

If you really want recovery, you need to be there, hat in hand, demonstrating that you are DOING everything you can - without her needing to ask you to. LEAD. Lead by example. The life of your family depends on it.
Posted By: markos Re: i want my wife back. - 08/07/12 05:44 PM
Originally Posted By: kiss
My job schedule does suck most of the time. For instance this week my schedule is as follows Monday 9:30 am to 8:30 pm, tuesday 1 pm till 12 pm, Wednesday 1pm till 12 pm Thursday and Friday off, Saturday 9:30am to 8:30 pm, sunday 6 am till 5 pm.
Rocketqueen works Monday through Friday 9-5. Since she said we don't spend enough time together I offered to step down or change jobs. Stepping down would be a pay cut of about $45,000 a year about half of my pay.She is telling me not to do it. I told her I would rather lose my career then lose my family.
I believe that she has already decided that we are done.




I would block out thirty hours on your schedule. I would offer those to your wife, half of them to be spent alone together as a couple, and half of them to be spent with the whole family.

If she doesn't accept this invitation, then I would repeat it again next week.

I would do this every week. For the rest of my life.

If you cannot do your job and make this time, only then would I drop the job, and then only after negotiating with her.

These hours are the core of the Marriage Builders program. If you are not doing them, then you are not doing Marriage Builders.

Your job is 55 hours a week. The whole week has 168 hours. You need to spend about 56 hours sleeping. That leaves 57 hours for you, almost twice as much as the thirty that you need! Get a day planner, and schedule this out on paper.

If your wife refuses to do this, DO NOT BECOME DEMANDING, DISRESPECTFUL, OR ANGRY. It is not her fault that it has come to this point; it is yours. Simply be persistent and try again next week.

I would get Dr. Harley's workbook and start working through every single section, working on your side. Create plans to overcome each of the problems addressed by each lesson, in order: selfish demands, disrespectful judgments, angry outbursts, dishonesty, independent behavior, annoying habits, meeting the need of affection, etc. Work through it all, and revise your work often, and most importantly, DO WHAT YOU PUT DOWN ON THE PAPER.

I'm sure that it is well within your power to win back her enthusiasm, if you will actually do the work and make this the highest priority in your life. But you will have to be extra persistent and extra patient, and you will have to make sure you never blame her for this situation. You caused it. If you start blaming her, it will be a love bank withdrawal that will drive her even further away.
Posted By: Neak Re: i want my wife back. - 08/07/12 10:18 PM
Your M is still salvageable. I just read some excellent suggestions as to what you should DO to see that happen.

She wants you to move out? Then move out, and don't give her any guilt or blame over it. Plenty of BS's have won back their spouses who were actively cheating and moved out of the house. Your job isn't nearly as hard as that.

She doesn't want you to quit your job at this point? Then don't. At this point, right now, this really isn't about your job vs. your M. It's about you and your half-hearted efforts vs. your M. If your BW is planning to separate, then I think it's fair to say she's not able to picture the two of you together at this point. If I was in that circumstance, I'd want my H to be able to provide well for our children above anything else. Right now, you'll be able to give her that feeling of security by staying with your job.

Down the road, when your HARD WORK has begun to pay off and RQ is willing to try POJA with you again, that's the time to settle the job question.

As Markos said, you have about 57 hours to choose how you spend. I also really liked his suggestion of offering week after week. Building a whole new life and mindset, and showing consistency, are the foundations for what you need to do.
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 08/08/12 05:02 AM
Markos,

Thanks for the advice. I need to be more persist. My problem a lot of the times is that we will talk about things we need to do but just don't do them. It's my job to make sure that they are getting done!!!

Also I get angery actually more like frustrated and walk away I need to control that and be persistant.

It's my fault I am in this situation with the person that means everything to me.

Thank You so much,

KISS
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 08/08/12 05:11 AM
I understand that helping around the house is part of my job. It always has been. I just have been trying to take as much off her plate as I can. Like today changing my hours at work to take my daughter to the dentist and meeting her a late breakfast after. It may not seem like much but because of my work schedule I know how much pressure is on her so I need to do a better job of constantly looking at what I can do to lighten her plate when ever I can.
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 08/08/12 05:20 AM
Scotland,

We discussed the job situation and we did have a POJA and she said I can't quite or step down from my job for two reasons #1- I worked to hard to get to the point I'm at #2- That the money difference is huge and we need to pay bills and still support our kids. I just want her to realize I would do anything not to lose her.
I realize now that its about putting in the effort of posting counciling and really following the program that is going to make the difference not just changing things in our life.

THANKS,

KISS
Posted By: Prisca Re: i want my wife back. - 08/08/12 02:29 PM
Are you going to do this?

Originally Posted By: markos
Originally Posted By: kiss
My job schedule does suck most of the time. For instance this week my schedule is as follows Monday 9:30 am to 8:30 pm, tuesday 1 pm till 12 pm, Wednesday 1pm till 12 pm Thursday and Friday off, Saturday 9:30am to 8:30 pm, sunday 6 am till 5 pm.
Rocketqueen works Monday through Friday 9-5. Since she said we don't spend enough time together I offered to step down or change jobs. Stepping down would be a pay cut of about $45,000 a year about half of my pay.She is telling me not to do it. I told her I would rather lose my career then lose my family.
I believe that she has already decided that we are done.




I would block out thirty hours on your schedule. I would offer those to your wife, half of them to be spent alone together as a couple, and half of them to be spent with the whole family.

If she doesn't accept this invitation, then I would repeat it again next week.

I would do this every week. For the rest of my life.

If you cannot do your job and make this time, only then would I drop the job, and then only after negotiating with her.

These hours are the core of the Marriage Builders program. If you are not doing them, then you are not doing Marriage Builders.

Your job is 55 hours a week. The whole week has 168 hours. You need to spend about 56 hours sleeping. That leaves 57 hours for you, almost twice as much as the thirty that you need! Get a day planner, and schedule this out on paper.

If your wife refuses to do this, DO NOT BECOME DEMANDING, DISRESPECTFUL, OR ANGRY. It is not her fault that it has come to this point; it is yours. Simply be persistent and try again next week.

I would get Dr. Harley's workbook and start working through every single section, working on your side. Create plans to overcome each of the problems addressed by each lesson, in order: selfish demands, disrespectful judgments, angry outbursts, dishonesty, independent behavior, annoying habits, meeting the need of affection, etc. Work through it all, and revise your work often, and most importantly, DO WHAT YOU PUT DOWN ON THE PAPER.

I'm sure that it is well within your power to win back her enthusiasm, if you will actually do the work and make this the highest priority in your life. But you will have to be extra persistent and extra patient, and you will have to make sure you never blame her for this situation. You caused it. If you start blaming her, it will be a love bank withdrawal that will drive her even further away.
Posted By: markos Re: i want my wife back. - 08/08/12 02:49 PM
Originally Posted By: Neak
As Markos said, you have about 57 hours to choose how you spend. I also really liked his suggestion of offering week after week. Building a whole new life and mindset, and showing consistency, are the foundations for what you need to do.


You can spend the 15 hours with the children no matter what. Even if your wife does not want to spend UA time with you.

Family Commitment is a big need to a mother!
Posted By: unwritten Re: i want my wife back. - 08/08/12 02:50 PM
Careful there Markos, I am a mother, a SAHM mother, and FC is not even in my top 5.

Focus on what RQ's top EN's are, not what you think they should be.
Posted By: unwritten Re: i want my wife back. - 08/08/12 02:56 PM
The way to fix this Kiss, is in your commitment level. I repeat from my previous lengthy post, this is not about you going through the motions/crossing something off a list that RQ has built. This is about you enthusiastically DRIVING the force of recovery.

FYI although you did not respond to that post, RQ did on my thread, where she thanked me for writing exactly how she felt. You should be aware of that, in case you are not already.

You seem adamant at telling us what you have done. What you need to start focusing on is what you have NOT done and the enthusiastic, driving attitude you have NOT had. Because what you have NOT done is the reason for your recovery being where it is today.
Posted By: SunnyDinTX Re: i want my wife back. - 08/08/12 06:18 PM
Originally Posted By: unwritten
The way to fix this Kiss, is in your commitment level. I repeat from my previous lengthy post, this is not about you going through the motions/crossing something off a list that RQ has built. This is about you enthusiastically DRIVING the force of recovery.

FYI although you did not respond to that post, RQ did on my thread, where she thanked me for writing exactly how she felt. You should be aware of that, in case you are not already.

You seem adamant at telling us what you have done. What you need to start focusing on is what you have NOT done and the enthusiastic, driving attitude you have NOT had. Because what you have NOT done is the reason for your recovery being where it is today.



I second this, especially as a FBW that is well into recovery. I understand wanting kudos for what has been done, but the mindset is wrong when that's where the emphasis is. And that mindset makes all the difference in the world.
Posted By: Scotland Re: i want my wife back. - 08/09/12 02:44 AM
Kiss, it's nice to see that you are starting to see where you can improve. Now, my biggest suggestion is to go back through these 32 pages and read what others posted to you. See what you have and haven't done.

When can you get UA time this week? What activities would you be doing to ensure that you are meeting the top 4 intimate ENs?
Posted By: Prisca Re: i want my wife back. - 08/09/12 05:11 AM
Originally Posted By: unwritten
Careful there Markos, I am a mother, a SAHM mother, and FC is not even in my top 5.

Focus on what RQ's top EN's are, not what you think they should be.


That would put you in a very small minority. MOST mothers DO have a high need for FC.

It has been mentioned on this thread that FC is one of her top EN.
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 08/09/12 05:35 AM
Scotland,

This week our UA time will be Tomorrow night 6 pm till midnight as we have my buddies rehearsal diner for his wedding thst I'm his best man. Friday 9am till midnight as we have the wedding. Saterday 9 pm till 12. Then sunday will be 2:30 pm till 10 pm with the kids.

The things we will be doing is diner on Thursday and partying with friends. shopping for things for her to wear to the wedding. Then with the kids on Sunday we will be cooking out and playing games outside with the kids.
Posted By: markos Re: i want my wife back. - 08/09/12 05:47 AM
kiss,

Those activities don't sound like they will allow you to give your wife your undivided attention. During UA time you give each other your undivided attention. That means the focus is on her. You talk to her, listen to her, enjoy some recreation together. You can't do that with a bunch of friends.

Dr. Harley mentions several helpful conditions to help you understand UA time:
the time is alone
not spent with children (who are awake)
spent when you have energy (Dr. Harley says don't count time spent after 11 P.M.)
no electronic devices, movies, or television,
you give each other your undivided attention

The time spent with the kids is family commitment time, which is an important emotional need, but will not have the effect of UA time. You need 15 hours of each (actually you need 30 hours of UA time until both of you rate your marriage as better).
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: i want my wife back. - 08/09/12 05:52 AM
With the addition of markos excellent help this is the easiest for me.

UA time meets the top 4 intimate EN=SF, IC, RC and Affection=15-20 hrs
Posted By: Scotland Re: i want my wife back. - 08/09/12 11:48 AM
Kiss, unfortunately, the rehearsal dinner and wedding do NOT fall into UA time. So, so far, you have put about 3 hours into the UA time column, Saturday 9pm-midnight. What will you be doing during this time to meet the 4 intimate ENs?

See, this is why it is important for you to post here. You misunderstand what UA time is, and what it is used for. I understand how frustrating it can be to THINK that you are doing what is expected of you, and not have the desired responses. This is precisely why though, because the focus was misdirected, and misunderstood.
Posted By: Neak Re: i want my wife back. - 08/09/12 03:48 PM
You're starting to put in some thought and planning. That's good. Follow the above excellent advice to re-direct your planning, and your efforts will be more effective.
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 08/09/12 06:43 PM
I do understand that our UA time is supposed to be alone and focused on each other but unfortunity this week is very sucky as far as my schedule and our best friends wedding. Witch I can not skip and I don't believe my wife would either as they are very good friends also.

I am very excited to have fun with her at the rehearsal diner and wedding. She has picked out two dresses that make her look stunning.
Posted By: Northwood8900 Re: i want my wife back. - 08/09/12 06:48 PM
Originally Posted By: kiss
Which I cannot skip and I don't believe my wife would either as they are very good friends also.


Did you ask her?
Posted By: Prisca Re: i want my wife back. - 08/09/12 06:49 PM
Then what is your UA plan for next week?
Posted By: Prisca Re: i want my wife back. - 08/09/12 06:51 PM
Originally Posted By: Northwood8900
Originally Posted By: kiss
Which I cannot skip and I don't believe my wife would either as they are very good friends also.


Did you ask her?

Good question.

It concerns me that you are putting so much effort into your best friend's wedding when your own marriage is dying.
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 08/09/12 06:51 PM
I have a 2:30 appointment with Steve Harley and have called twice so far and he is still unavailable. Excited to talk to him to get more guidance on how to continue to show my wife that I am dedicated to her and our recovery.

My wife wants to know what guarantee I can give her that I am going to follow the program and continue our recovery and not get comfortable and slack off. Any suggestions please!

Thanks,

KISS
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 08/09/12 06:54 PM
My wife is very good friends with my buddy also. She has probably been closer and talked to him more then I have over the years then I have. Besides I'm the best man are you saying I shouldn't go?
Posted By: alis Re: i want my wife back. - 08/09/12 07:00 PM
Originally Posted By: kiss

My wife wants to know what guarantee I can give her that I am going to follow the program and continue our recovery and not get comfortable and slack off. Any suggestions please!


She wants you to come up to her and say "hey guess what, I got a baby sitter for that 2-10pm so we're going out, but without the kids!".

In your original post on this thread, she was tired of being just a mom to your kids and wanted to be that girlfriend again. You had time to court other women but not her. So, it really is quite simple in that you need to take the bull by the horns and tell her that YOU want to do things with her and only her, at this/that time.

Do you see the irony in finding time to support your friend's wedding yet struggling to find the time for your own? I'm not saying to skip the dinner - I'm suggesting that this is how the pattern will be viewed.
Posted By: Northwood8900 Re: i want my wife back. - 08/09/12 07:04 PM
Originally Posted By: kiss
Besides I'm the best man are you saying I shouldn't go?


That the question hasn't come to mind before indicates that you take some things for granted.
Posted By: alis Re: i want my wife back. - 08/09/12 07:18 PM
Originally Posted By: kiss
She said she wants me to move out. She doesn't think that I'm making an effort.
How do you work on the marriage being apart!!!! especially when she is complaining that we don't spend enough time together!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


SHE'S TELLING YOU WHAT'S WRONG!

The time you are not working, you are with kids, you are with your best friend, she's just a SIDE ACCESSORY to these activities and not the main focus!

She's asking you to date her again! And you don't! So yes, she's giving up.
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 08/09/12 08:19 PM
Just got done with my session with Steve it was deffinitly worth the wait. As you get the feeling of I can do this. Also the guidance and know how. I will update some of the info later.


THANKS,
KISS
Posted By: Neak Re: i want my wife back. - 08/09/12 09:23 PM
Please do.

In addition to the shortage of UA time, there is also a catastrophic lack of POJA in your M. I doubt RQ is going to be willing to change much on her end at this point, since she's already asked you to move out. She likely won't be willing to invest until down the road, when she sees by your actions that you've already been investing plenty.

Even if you aren't successful in getting her participation, at least attempt to POJA everything. Maybe not using the restroom, but everything short of that. Taking the kids to the park? Run it through POJA. If she's not enthusiastic, don't do it. Going grocery shopping? POJA. Watching a TV show? Honestly, you don't have time for that right now.

My continuing hope for your M is based on you working hard, working smart (targeting the areas of highest EN and biggest LB's), and being willing to take a pretty large helping of rejection for quite some time, even for your best efforts.

This would have been a much easier path the first time around. RQ was tired and hurt, but willing to believe you would change. She's not so willing to believe that any more. You can still overcome that, with consistent work over time.

Posting here is one of your best resources for staying on track.
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 08/10/12 01:07 PM
So we had our friends wedding rehearsal last night and everything was ok. I wish my wife was more involved in conversation though. I have had the same two best friends for the 15 years that we have been together.

All of us were going to go out after but my wife didn't feel like going out once we were getting ready to leave. So we went home and got the kids settled in their room. We told them that we were going to lock our selves in our bedroom so we can spend time together.

We played cards and talked for a while. I
Posted By: alis Re: i want my wife back. - 08/10/12 01:54 PM
Originally Posted By: kiss

All of us were going to go out after but my wife didn't feel like going out once we were getting ready to leave. So we went home and got the kids settled in their room. We told them that we were going to lock our selves in our bedroom so we can spend time together.


Kiss, she doesn't want to have to tell you that she doesn't want to go out with everyone after, that she wants to go home with you. Do you realize this? I'm not sure you realize how much she is detaching right now, asking you to move out, and you are still not seeing that she needs YOU to say, "sorry everybody, I want to spend time with my wife instead", rather than for her to be bummed/upset and have to pry it out of you like a dentist pulling teeth.

You know what is the absolute worst feeling for a woman, particularly a mom who doesn't get much time alone with her husband? Feeling like you have to whine, cry, beg, withdraw, detach, in order for your husband to actually want to spend time with you. Nobody wants to feel like they have to do these things to get their spouse to actually want to be alone with them.

Do you understand that this is how she feels? That even though you eventually DID go home, the path to getting there was very hurtful and hardly impressive?

How would you feel if everyone was served dinner and you got table scraps at the end after complaining for it? Satisfying dinner?
Posted By: Northwood8900 Re: i want my wife back. - 08/10/12 02:00 PM
Originally Posted By: kiss
So we had our friends wedding rehearsal last night and everything was ok. I wish my wife was more involved in conversation though.


Maybe because she didn't want to be there and had other stuff on her mind? Not everyone enjoys putting on an act. It's like people dancing while their ship is sinking.
Posted By: alis Re: i want my wife back. - 08/10/12 02:05 PM
Originally Posted By: Northwood8900
Originally Posted By: kiss
So we had our friends wedding rehearsal last night and everything was ok. I wish my wife was more involved in conversation though.


Maybe because she didn't want to be there and had other stuff on her mind? Not everyone enjoys putting on an act. It's like people dancing while their ship is sinking.



When I told my husband I wanted a separation (over a non-affair related issue) about 6 months ago, because I felt that he had not put our family first over other things, I could have witnessed a multi-car pileup in front of my face and not even noticed. A woman who is in love with her husband but feels she must separate because he does not love her back, cannot focus on anything or anyone but the pain. There are still days today (btw this issue was resolved) where I find myself staring into space because I can't believe it came down to bringing that subject up. A re-living of that brief conversation, it was the worst moment of my life.

If I was at a wedding dinner/party only 3-4 days later, I would have been a numb statue. If he had wanted me to converse more or worse, actually wanted to "go out after" with OTHERS, that would have been just another nail in the coffin. The fact that this dinner/party even went ahead has probably reinforced her decision. Be aware of this, kiss.
Posted By: Northwood8900 Re: i want my wife back. - 08/10/12 02:08 PM
It being a wedding rehearsal was, above all, probably the worst venue.

It was likely a hell of a reminder of what might have been.

Going to the actual wedding is going to be even worse.
Posted By: Neak Re: i want my wife back. - 08/10/12 06:50 PM
Yep, I still remember the time I was watching TV with AJ during the A, and broke down and cried because it showed a wedding on the screen. I can't even imagine how hard it would be to actually go to wedding festivities while still reeling from infidelity and planning to separate.

Which brings us right back to the POJA. While I don't assume this was a violation, and it's possible that she was enthusiastic about going...how did you handle it when you saw her apparent lack of enthusiasm?

That would have been a great opportunity to pull her aside and say, "Hey, it looks to me like you're not real enthused about being here. If that's the case, why don't the two of us sneak off and go do something by ourselves?"

See, your chances of having her actually enthusiastic about anything involving you are pretty slim right now. It's still important that you make the effort to discover where the POJA lies. Even if you don't gain her cooperation with this process, true success lies in the effort itself, and in the change of your habits from big ole IB lovebusters to thoughtful POJA attempts.

Accept any rejection with grace. Time is on your side, as long as you're working on what needs fixing.
Posted By: HoldHerHand Re: i want my wife back. - 08/12/12 11:43 AM
Originally Posted By: kiss
I have a 2:30 appointment with Steve Harley and have called twice so far and he is still unavailable. Excited to talk to him to get more guidance on how to continue to show my wife that I am dedicated to her and our recovery.

My wife wants to know what guarantee I can give her that I am going to follow the program and continue our recovery and not get comfortable and slack off. Any suggestions please!

Thanks,

KISS



Suggestion; follow the program and don't slack off.


Begin practicing PoJA with each and every thing you do, each and every day.


At work, thinking of buying a burger at lunch? Call your wife; "Honey, I am thinking about buying a burger for lunch, how do you feel about that?"

If she says she isn't comfortable with it, don't do it.


"Honey, I am thinking about stopping for gas at the station on 37th and vine tonight, how do you feel about that?"

If she isn't comfortable, don't do it.


These small things may seem "trivial," but they are part of building two habits; transparency, and PoJA.

You could also add parental controls to your cell phone, and go through your allowed list with your wife; add only her and other essential people to whom she aggrees to add. This provides an EP for your cell phone use.
Posted By: Neak Re: i want my wife back. - 08/12/12 03:11 PM
In a healthy M, you would probably not need to POJA choices like what to have for lunch or where to buy gas. (Unless other factors were in play, such as a person who's had a heart attack trying to POJA a burger with their spouse.)

By practicing on trivial items, like whether to by one head of lettuce at the supermarket or two, Romaine or iceburg, it gives you a chance to try out POJA when the stakes are very low. Then you'll have the skill to POJA on more important and emotionally charged issues.
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 08/13/12 05:15 PM
I discussed the wedding and the rehearsal dinner and wedding party last night. I also had her read the last three pages of my thread. She said that what is being posted about her not wanting to be at either won was not true. She said that at the rehearsal dinner she was just quite due to not feeling well the last couple of days as she has had a head cold. With the wedding she said that she had no issues being there and that no matter what was going on between us that she would have still wanted to be there because she is friends with the bride and groom. Then after the wedding reception she made me go out to a club with our friends when I was asking her to just go home.

I it was a great couple of days as even though I was in the wedding party I still made my beautiful wife my priority. She looked amazing by the way!!! She asked me not to go to crazy drinking as all of my friends and I are known to due. So I didn't . They kept questioning me if something was wrong and trying to pressure me. It was funny because its usually the other way around. I never gave in. My focus is on pleasing my wife and I think my friends realized that.

I am not one to dance to much. Maybe a slow dance or two but we were out on the dance floor all jumping around together. It was a great time. The only time I wasn't with my wife was for her smoke breaks. Witch are frequent at time. I would go outside with her once in a while but it is something that bothers me really bad.

Then yesterday I worked 6am till 3pm and after we meet at the grocery store so we could buy what we were going to cookout for dinner. I was very excited about getting out of work and seeing her after the prior two days were amazing. She walked into the store and she looked so great even though the kids were driving her nuts.

When we were home she started dinner and I worked on trying to fix the dish washer. I kept stopping her for a huge and kiss. The rest of the night was great as after dinner and getting the kids to bed we sat down and talked about the wedding and some of the feedback from my thread.

We also went through some of the threads on marriage builders that she has been posting on and it makes you realize how thick headed you are when you foggy. I forgot the name of the female posting but the husband was still in between and she seemed like she was settling to at least have something from him even though he wasn't in it 100%.

Why do we put our spouses through his? How do we become so lost that we don't rationalize what we are doing in most cases to our best friends!!!!!


KISS
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 08/13/12 05:21 PM
Neak,

I did discuss this with Rocketqueen last night. It is something that we do need to work on more. I feel now that every time I make a decision I do think about her and how it would affect her but I think that POJA does add to transparency. It lets your loved one see that you doe have their best interests in mind.

THANKS,

KISS
Posted By: Scotland Re: i want my wife back. - 08/13/12 08:23 PM
What is your UA schedule for this week? What will you be doing during this time?

Make a conscious effort to acknowledge POJA times, and when they are needed. Use POJA. Take the lead on this.
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 08/14/12 09:36 PM
My wife wants me to go back through my thread from the beginning and see what my thought process was and answer any unanswered questions. This is going to be tough as I read my first post a couple of weeks ago and I couldn't believe my mind set and how lost I really was at that time. So I will answer any questions that I think are relavant to where we are now.

KISS
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 08/14/12 10:04 PM
2WANDA,

Question from page 2 of my thread

Now looking back the biggest problem I had with Thanksgiving was that I knew what was going on was wrong. My wives sister in-law warned me that my relationship with the other female would become more then friends because we were to close. She was right!!!

Another big part was the shame of how I was treating my wife. I would not give her any attention I was cold and not responsive to her begging me to work on our marriage and family. I was a real SH**Y person. I turned into someone I was not.

My mother in-law kept saying that I was on steroids!! I thought it was because I started to go to the gym and work out like crazy. It was my release. Now I think back and I believe she was saying it because I didn't have control of my self. Almost like I was possesed. I was a mess mentally and didn't know it. I thought I was on top of my world but what I was doing was destroying it.

KISS
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 08/14/12 11:32 PM
From page 6 of my thread

Originally posted by Logans Run:

You dont win her back, you EARN her back. Words are nice but they are hollow and mean nothing. Actions, EP and just compensation.

Logans run you were absolutely correct. I reaalize now its not about trying to meet my wives EN'S to win her back its about working on recovery and being the leader in that recovery in order to EARN HER BACK.

KISS
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: i want my wife back. - 08/15/12 03:17 AM
So have you sat down with her and asked her "what do you need from me? What can I do to make you feel safe?"

Then when she tells you write it down and just listen.

Then come up with a plan to do the things she needs for you to do?
Posted By: indiegirl Re: i want my wife back. - 08/15/12 11:29 PM
Originally Posted By: kiss

Another big part was the shame of how I was treating my wife.


OK. So you now see that your shame and guilt went a long way to driving a wedge into the family.

You felt guilty around her family. So you blamed her family.

Recognising that is a huge step.

Your next one would be to make amends to these people. How would RQ like you to make things up to the family?
Posted By: Neak Re: i want my wife back. - 08/16/12 02:55 AM
Just as you're facing (and need to continue to face) rejection from RQ, you need to face rejection from your IL's, as well.

They were hurt by this. You ripped their hearts out and stomped on them by your treatment of their daughter/sister. Since they weren't in love with you once upon a time, it takes even longer to fill up their Love Bank past the level of disgust. (Dr. H says everyone we know has a $LB balance with us, spouses extremely high, close family and friends very high, acquaintances low. From what I've seen, estranged IL's tend to have a negative balance, on both sides of the fence.)

They may not even let you make any deposits, but the attempt is necessary for you anyway, if you're serious about making things right.
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 08/16/12 03:03 PM
Brainhurts,

What she wants from me is to be involved and lead our recovery. Me posting is is very important to her because she says it will give me the guidance and keep me focused on what I should be doing.

Thanks,
KISS
Posted By: Neak Re: i want my wife back. - 08/16/12 05:43 PM
And you've been posting! hurray Don't rest on your laurels, though, all two olive leaves' worth. smile Do everything else she has asked of you - do it with promptness (as prompt as anything can be that is already this late), and a willing spirit.
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: i want my wife back. - 08/16/12 07:03 PM
So do you think you're taking the lead now, kiss?
Posted By: Scotland Re: i want my wife back. - 08/16/12 11:38 PM
UA TIME. What's this upcoming week's plan?

Sunday, Hours, what you'll be doing.
Monday, Hours, what you'll be doing.
Tuesday, Hours, what you'll be doing.

I think you can see where I'm going with this.
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 08/18/12 09:31 PM
Brainhurts,

Yes! I have been on my thread Three or four times a day. Most importantly I like it. I keep checking just to seee what you guys say. Ihave been making sure we are getting time together. Even if we have to lock our selves in our room to play cards or just get alone time. I want to make my wife happy. What ever it takes.

THANKS,
KISS
Posted By: Neak Re: i want my wife back. - 08/19/12 12:42 AM
Originally Posted By: Scotland
UA TIME. What's this upcoming week's plan?

Sunday, Hours, what you'll be doing.
Monday, Hours, what you'll be doing.
Tuesday, Hours, what you'll be doing.

I think you can see where I'm going with this.
Posted By: HerPapaBear Re: i want my wife back. - 08/19/12 03:00 AM
Originally Posted By: kiss
My wife wants me to go back through my thread from the beginning and see what my thought process was and answer any unanswered questions.


this is a good idea.....

but then you answer it with;
Originally Posted By: kiss
So I will answer any questions that I think are relavant to where we are now.



You continue to mention how much you desire to make your wife happy and yet, you are going to deliver only what YOU think is relevant.

This is why you continue to fail!

Your wife wants you to take the time to answer ALL unanswered questions!


You even start a topic like the next quote below and never follow up? Whats up with that?

Originally Posted By: kiss
Just got done with my session with Steve it was deffinitly worth the wait. As you get the feeling of I can do this. Also the guidance and know how. I will update some of the info later.


You have good intentions, I'm sure.....

But have you ever heard what the road to destruction is paved with?

It's paved with good intentions!


Actions and follow through are what paves the road to recovery!
Posted By: HerPapaBear Re: i want my wife back. - 08/19/12 10:14 PM
Kiss,

At LEAST a dozen times you've asked for help.

And those offering you help have two recurring questions of you....

1) Please list ALL your EP's

2) Please list your schedule of UA time (Scotty asks this almost every week)

You want help?

We need this info as a good starting point in order to help!

Personally, I think you're a game player and until I see you do some of the easy work, like 1 & 2 above, my opinion won't change.

Posted By: HerPapaBear Re: i want my wife back. - 08/21/12 01:34 AM
Originally Posted By: kiss

Yes! I have been on my thread Three or four times a day. Most importantly I like it. I keep checking just to seee what you guys say.



You're in management, right.

What would you do if one of your subordinates came to your morning meeting, listened to what your needs/expectations were for the day, took the list of needs/expectations to be completed by them, and then did nothing on the list.
Yet at the end of the day they told you how great your list was and how much they look forward to reading what you have outlined for tomorrow.

What would you say to this employee?
Posted By: HerPapaBear Re: i want my wife back. - 08/22/12 01:58 AM
Hi Kiss,

Do you have me on ignore? smile
Posted By: Scotland Re: i want my wife back. - 08/22/12 02:38 AM
Originally Posted By: HerPapaBear
Hi Kiss,

Do you have me on ignore? smile


And, perhaps me?

kiss, what's been going on? How have you been implementing MB plans into your daily life? How much UA time have you scheduled for this week? How much did you manage last week?

Are you serious about wanting to recover your marriage?
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 08/22/12 03:53 AM
Sorry I haven't been ignoring anyone. The scheduling of UA time has been difficult we have been spending as much time together as possible. We have been spending time at home hidding from the kids when ever possible. We went out on Friday after work we meet at the mall as we were killing time to go out to Fridays for dinner. Then after we went to the movies as the wife has been wanting to see the movie Ted. Witch really isn't her kind of movie. It wasn't good. Its been hard to get away as my step daughter has been stuck watching the kids and its not fair to her as she is 17 and just got her liscense to drive. So we haven't been able to plan to much in advance. Plus I keep asking my wife what we should due and she says why do we always have to due something! She is getting frustrated by our kids. 6 YR old boy and 8 in one week girl that thinks she is the boss and runs the house. The fighting is constant.

KISS
Posted By: Letty Re: i want my wife back. - 08/22/12 04:19 AM
the kids are a great opportunity to POJA, kiss, so it's a good thing! it's very important parents are on the same page and act as a unit. kids are very smart; they know when they can play one parent off the other.

perhaps the two of you could spend some time POJAing how to parent (you know, how to react in different circumstances. for instance, i don't give our DD any $$ unless H enthusiastically agrees), especially if you have a tiny one running the household! it will help you meet in the middle, and it feels good to work as a team.

UA is hard when you have kids. but kids need to be put in their place. the M comes first - it benefits the kids. if kids have to wait, do less stuff, entertain themselves (please do not let them do this on the computer), they learn how to be more grown up. that's what growing up is all about.

i urge you and RQ to give it a go. it'll help. and help give you more UA time alone. can you afford to pay the DD17 to babysit? it may be less of a burden on her if she gets something out of it. it doesn't have to be money - negotiate a "fee," whether it's time out on weekend nights, some itunes, or whathaveyou.
Posted By: Scotland Re: i want my wife back. - 08/22/12 11:48 AM
Kiss, it is important to schedule this UA time. The movie actually doesn't count towards UA time. So, you had what, about an hour of UA time at Fridays? And here and there while the kids are running around the house, and you are locked in your room? THis isn't what DrH had in mind when he talked about UA time.

So, I ask again, what is your UA time schedule for this coming week? Please, write it out, day by day, how many hours, and what activities you will be doing, and what ENs you will be meeting.

Also, HPB asked for your EP list. Where is it?

I was going to suggest the same thing as Letty in regards to DSD17. Give her some cash, some gas money, etc. She's already been through 1 divorce, I think you may be surprised at the things she will do to ensure that this marriage doesn't end the same way.
Posted By: HerPapaBear Re: i want my wife back. - 08/23/12 05:10 PM
Originally Posted By: kiss
Sorry I haven't been ignoring anyone. The scheduling of UA time has been difficult we have been spending as much time together as possible. We have been spending time at home hidding from the kids when ever possible. We went out on Friday after work we meet at the mall as we were killing time to go out to Fridays for dinner. Then after we went to the movies as the wife has been wanting to see the movie Ted. Witch really isn't her kind of movie. It wasn't good. Its been hard to get away as my step daughter has been stuck watching the kids and its not fair to her as she is 17 and just got her liscense to drive. So we haven't been able to plan to much in advance. Plus I keep asking my wife what we should due and she says why do we always have to due something! She is getting frustrated by our kids. 6 YR old boy and 8 in one week girl that thinks she is the boss and runs the house. The fighting is constant.



So that's it?

You come back and tell us about last Fridays date w/your wife.

No answers to any of my posts?

banghead
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 08/28/12 03:13 AM
my EP's
protect my emotional needs
don't get close to females
not getting personal with females
not being alone with females

weeks schedule

tuesday our daughters birthday going to dinner

thursday we are going to walk the walk way bridge about a 6 mile walk

Saturday labor day party

Sunday having daughters family birthday party

KISS
Posted By: Letty Re: i want my wife back. - 08/28/12 04:28 AM
Originally Posted By: kiss
my EP's
protect my emotional needs
don't get close to females
not getting personal with females
not being alone with females


HOW are you going to demonstrate these to RQ? what ACTIONS are you taking?

Originally Posted By: kiss
weeks schedule

tuesday our daughters birthday going to dinner

thursday we are going to walk the walk way bridge about a 6 mile walk

Saturday labor day party

Sunday having daughters family birthday party

KISS

erm, i would not be impressed with this at all. looks like all family time, no alone time! what are you doing the other days? also, bday parties don't last all day. do you have time scheduled around it/them?
Posted By: Neak Re: i want my wife back. - 08/28/12 02:14 PM
You don't have to be gone, doing wild, crazy, (expensive!) dating things to make this count for UA time. In fact, some of the best UA time is at home, for free.

Walking the bridge sounds really good, a nice mix of RC and Conversation, maybe with some Admiration thrown in. But what about the other EN's, some of which cannot be met in public? You don't need to detail on here PLEASE don't detail on here what you're going to do with that time, but block it out and post it as "on this day, x hours, at home without kids" or something like that.
Posted By: alis Re: i want my wife back. - 08/28/12 02:46 PM
Kiss,

Again,

You struggle with UA time because you don't make it a priority. Why does your daughter need two birthday parties? One with her parents AND one with her family? Do you understand you are facing a future of permanent 2-4 birthday parties because her parents have different homes? Labour day party? Why is that taking priority over UA time?

What does UA time actually mean to you?? Do you understand "undivided attention"?
Posted By: markos Re: i want my wife back. - 08/28/12 04:24 PM
Undivided attention:

Spent alone
Children and friends not present
No electronic devices


Tip: if your attention is divided, you are not giving undivided attention.
Posted By: HerPapaBear Re: i want my wife back. - 08/28/12 06:16 PM
Originally Posted By: kiss
my EP's
protect my emotional needs
don't get close to females
not getting personal with females
not being alone with females


Thank you for your reply.

Kiss, EP's are a very important part of recovery. They are generally one of the few ways to provide just compensation for our infidelity.
What you've listed out is not enough to make any betrayed spouse feel safe. When our Betrayed Spouse doesn't feel safe, they will withdraw from us. I know that's not what either of you want.

I just bumped a thread on Extraordinary Precaution that I want you to read and use to work from. Please take the time to revise and re-post your EP's after reading the thread. Do this soon, OK!
Posted By: HerPapaBear Re: i want my wife back. - 08/28/12 06:22 PM
Originally Posted By: kiss


weeks schedule

tuesday our daughters birthday going to dinner

thursday we are going to walk the walk way bridge about a 6 mile walk

Saturday labor day party

Sunday having daughters family birthday party



Several have commented about this. Some time back Neak and some others had a thread going of things to do during UA....
Affordable things....

Maybe someone can find and bump it? If not, maybe another one could be started.

Maybe, YOU could start one.... grin... asking about suggestions for UA time.... from how to schedule it, when to schedule it and what activities others have found helpful in their own marriages.
Posted By: clearmind Re: i want my wife back. - 08/28/12 06:42 PM

[/quote]

Several have commented about this. Some time back Neak and some others had a thread going of things to do during UA....
Affordable things....

Maybe someone can find and bump it? If not, maybe another one could be started.

Maybe, YOU could start one.... grin... asking about suggestions for UA time.... from how to schedule it, when to schedule it and what activities others have found helpful in their own marriages. [/quote]



sounds like a great idea!
Posted By: Neak Re: i want my wife back. - 08/28/12 10:48 PM
If it's not affordable, I'm not doin it. wink
Posted By: Letty Re: i want my wife back. - 08/29/12 06:00 AM
here are some UA suggestions recently given. i know there's a better thread around somewhere...bh?
Posted By: Letty Re: i want my wife back. - 08/29/12 06:07 AM
awesome weekends

ua time

free ua time ideas
Posted By: HoldHerHand Re: i want my wife back. - 08/29/12 10:21 AM
Does your local paper have an entertainment section, KISS?

I know ours does. It includes several cheap (if not free) activities going on throughout the week. Our town has about 100k people, so it's not like it's a big-city only thing.

Some things that we have;

Stand up comics
Assorted dances and dance classes
Winery tours
Auctions and dinners
Mystery dinners
Movies in the park (summer time)
Poetry readings
Art galleries
Concerts


The majority of these things are actually on weeknights.

My wife and I have also just drove to the top of the mountain passes in the middle of the night for no other reason than to... drive to the top of a mountain pass in the middle of the night (what you do when you get there is up to you and yours!).



The fact of the matter here is, KISS, that you have to get off your kiester and put your marriage up front. If you do not, your wife is going to leave you.

That's not a threat. It's the reality of having a broken marriage, and introducing infidelity as the turd-cherry on a crap sundae, buddy.


If there is a good man inside you, then your moping and inaction may be due to having to look at your collection of failures.


Let me tell you, sir, that the best of men have their own collection of failures.

"I've missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed." - Michael Jordan


You, sir, can either lay in the mud, moping about your failures... or you can pick yourself up, get out there, and SUCCEED. You have the plan. You have a coach, and peers to support your marriage.


What are you going to do with it?
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: i want my wife back. - 08/29/12 01:02 PM
Have you read these?
Extraordinary Precautions
Recreational Enjoyment Inventory
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 09/02/12 01:24 AM
I do understand the importance of UA time I have gone and taken a five day weekend in the end of september so the wife and I can go way. We are looking at going to Canada. Niagra Falls is about 6 and a half hours away.

On one of the links for UA time it goes through how to ideas it went through best ideas to schedule UA time. It goes through writting out your schedule for the week as far as work. Then writting out your UA time. Then putting everything else around it. This idea does help.
Posted By: HerPapaBear Re: i want my wife back. - 09/05/12 07:29 PM
Originally Posted By: kiss
I do understand the importance of UA time I have gone and taken a five day weekend in the end of september so the wife and I can go way. We are looking at going to Canada. Niagra Falls is about 6 and a half hours away.


Scheduling a vacation to Niagara Falls is wonderful. It will allow some time together. But you still must plan what you'll be doing during that time. What are you going to do for the long drive? Books on CD? Music? Set up some conversations? Plan it out!

I do NOT think you are understanding UA time though.

Here is a link to Dr. Harley's explanation of "The Policy Of Undivided Attention" ---> LINK

Please read it all.
Posted By: HerPapaBear Re: i want my wife back. - 09/05/12 07:33 PM
And another thing;

The most important things for you to be doing, IMVHO they are in an order that is important to follow.

1) No Contact with OW

2) Extraordinary Precautions - Read the thread linked a few days ago on EP's & write out a comprehensive list and post it ASAP

3) STUDY the books, "His Needs, Her Needs" & "Love Busters"

4) Identify Your wife's top 5 needs - in order of importance.

5) Identify 10 ways your wife likes each need met and start doing some of those things daily. Ask your wife for feedback once a week in regards to how you are doing with meeting those needs.

6) Schedule UA time every week. Between 20-30 hours alone with your wife EVERY WEEK.

7) Learn the top 5 ways your wife prefers to be soothed during triggers. This is not the same as meeting her EN's - This is part of helping to heal the wounds of your infidelity.

8) Learn how to share the details of your day - Who you talked to, what was discussed, what you did... DETAILS!


This is important!

These are the basic steps necessary for your marriage to recover.

Being interactive on a forum requires participation from you on a regular basis, OK.

What steps do you need help with??
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 09/08/12 01:05 AM
Working on trying to read papa bears threads. Deffinity good info. I have been trying to spend as much time with the wife alone when ever possible. I went to her job and drove with her to her counciling session just so we had time together. It's a 45 minute drive about. Then coming home she left her car at her work place so that drive home is about an hour and 10 minutes. The next morning I took her to work and left my car and took hers for an oil change. Witch lead to four new tires and $600 later. I also cleaned it out. OMG the kids and her had so much crap in their as I removed four bags of STUFF! I also vacuumed it out. It was well over due.
We still have issues with someone too watch the kids as we took advantage of my step daughter watching the kids last night when we went to friendly's after my wife's counciling session and she wasn't happy with us when we got home. We told her we would be home around 7:30 and we got back around 8:30.
My wife is taking my step daughter to a 5k race she is running in about 2 hours away on friday night. They are staying over as the race is Saturday. My wife wants me to go with them but we have no one to watch the kids.
still struggling to get time together!

KISS
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: i want my wife back. - 09/08/12 01:18 AM
Some good stuff kiss.

On #5 of what HPB suggested.

Have you asked RQ for feedback? What has she said?

Can you get any UA time at home? Are the kids old enough to entertain themselves for a bit?
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 09/08/12 09:38 PM
We do go through the emotional needs questioniare every couple of months. But deffinity need to visit that more often. I have noticed that her needs I was lower in the first time the next time we did it they were higher but the things I was high in dropped. More constant feedback would help keep a more constant focus on all of her top emotional needs.

We do get some UA time at home We are planning on playing a game in our room tonight with some wine and talk about our plans of buying a house in Florida. Our daughter just turned 8, our son is 6 and my step daughter is 17. The kids are pretty good with keeping busy as long as they don't get to close to each other!! lol
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 09/19/12 01:23 AM
Having a lot of issues. Rocketqueen says she is done. I have been frustrated by her the last month. I haven't brought up the lack of her meeting my emotional needs as she has become distant and emotionally disconnected from me again. I feel that she will always be this way. She asked me if she was meeting my emotional need for sex a couple of days ago. I didn't want to tell her no so I told her she was and that she is incredable. When we went through the emotional needs questionairre I put down I need physical interaction 4-5 times a week she said that she would 3 times a week. It has been 4 times in just about a month and a half.

Also she has been very seperated from me in the same time frame when I come home she is disappointing. I come home very excited to see her and I get that cold no aknowledgement treatment that I have become so acustom to the last couple of years. This drives me insane. I said something a couple of days ago and she said that I should grow up. I love my wife but I'm so lost. She keeps talking about "following the program" and she likes to pick and choose what is right or what should be important. Dr. Harley said in one of my appointments how important it is for my wife to talk to him and be part of the counceling sessions because people get that I know the program kind of thought process. She doesn't think she is the one needing help but it is crucial.

KISS
Posted By: JenniferVoyager Re: i want my wife back. - 09/19/12 01:55 AM
Your taker is taking over, you haven't been honest with her when she asked you an honest question, And you are doing the things you would want done for you, rather than focusing on what she wants. Sounds like there are clear reasons why it isn't working. So, are you committed to radical honesty and need meeting, keeping your taker in check? Maybe if you offer/request redoing the EN questionnaire it would help you both get on track?
Posted By: Northwood8900 Re: i want my wife back. - 09/19/12 02:01 PM
Hey, kiss.

So does it boil down to you getting frustrated that your, um, "needs" aren't being met and you, in turn, don't feel like doing anything for your wife?

Assuming that the answer is yes, what would you say if someone said "Why should she have sex with me?"
Posted By: SunnyDinTX Re: i want my wife back. - 09/19/12 02:29 PM
Originally Posted By: kiss
Having a lot of issues. Rocketqueen says she is done. I have been frustrated by her the last month. I haven't brought up the lack of her meeting my emotional needs as she has become distant and emotionally disconnected from me again. I feel that she will always be this way. She asked me if she was meeting my emotional need for sex a couple of days ago. I didn't want to tell her no so I told her she was and that she is incredable. When we went through the emotional needs questionairre I put down I need physical interaction 4-5 times a week she said that she would 3 times a week. It has been 4 times in just about a month and a half.

Also she has been very seperated from me in the same time frame when I come home she is disappointing. I come home very excited to see her and I get that cold no aknowledgement treatment that I have become so acustom to the last couple of years. This drives me insane. I said something a couple of days ago and she said that I should grow up. I love my wife but I'm so lost. She keeps talking about "following the program" and she likes to pick and choose what is right or what should be important. Dr. Harley said in one of my appointments how important it is for my wife to talk to him and be part of the counceling sessions because people get that I know the program kind of thought process. She doesn't think she is the one needing help but it is crucial.

KISS


It is true that both parties need to be working the program for genuine recovery to occur.

What I get from reading both your posts and RQ's is that RQ has been reluctant to go all in on recovery for several key reasons: (1) You've never offered real just compensation for the affair. She never saw the remorseful, hat in hand - I'll do anything to make this up to you, for as long as it takes attitude that a BW needs from her WH. (2) Or really 1A, you never took the reins and lead recovery like she needed you to do in order to demonstrate the repentance mindset of #1.

I mentioned some time ago this mindset on your thread but you never responded.

It's important to keep in mind that while MB is all about BOTH parties meeting needs, etc... it is up to the FWS to give just compensation before the real work can begin.

It's been my experience, both IRL and on the forums, that mistakes in recovery are much easier rectified when that mindset is there and the FBW knows it!
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: i want my wife back. - 09/19/12 03:11 PM
For the near future I would encourage you to dive into meeting as many of her needs with no expectation of havin yours met.

I understand sex drive. I have a high sex drive and was in a basically sexless marriage. But I have learned something along the way. There is a saying, men spell sex s-e-x. Women spell sex t-a-l-k.
I have read books on this subject and women are much more receptive to sex when their emotional needs are being met. It's the way they are wired.

But let's face it. You can go without sex and try to meet emotional needs and win your wife's heart back. There are monks and soldiers and cripples in hospitals that haven't had sex for years so I'm confident you can do it for a few months if needed
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: i want my wife back. - 09/19/12 03:13 PM
Now if you absolutely can't live without sex for a few weeks then that another matter that needs addressed.
I dealt with that myself when my marriage turned sexless
Posted By: HoldHerHand Re: i want my wife back. - 09/19/12 06:08 PM
Originally Posted By: SunnyDinTX
it is up to the FWS to give just compensation before the real work can begin.


I object!

Only the first steps of just compensation are included before recovery ("the real work") begins. Extraordinary Precautions (including confession to exposure targets) and Transparency are given, and Recovery - creating an interdependent, romantic marriage - is a PART of Just Compensation.

In this mindset, Just Compensation is only met when; Extraordinary Precautions and Transparency are upheld, AND an interdependent, romantic marriage is MAINTAINED.




Kiss,


I told you once, I'll tell you again; your wife is going to leave you if you don't up your damn game. She had license to leave the marriage before when you were a negligent husband. You gave her even more with every adulterous boundary you crossed, and you have done very little to convince her that she should stay.

Your wife is going to LEAVE YOU. Friends of fine feathers and beaks will support her.

YOUR CONSISTENT ACTION FROM NOW UNTIL DEATH MUST BE CONVINCING OF OTHERWISE, OR YOU HAVE NO DAMN GROUND TO STAND ON.


Quit your freaking moping, get off of your poopchute, and get to work, or say goodbye to your wife, dude.

Time to quit feeling sorry for yourself for the freaking mess YOU made of your life, and clean it the hell up!
Posted By: Qoheleth Re: i want my wife back. - 09/19/12 06:49 PM
Quote:
It has been 4 times in just about a month and a half.


kiss,

It's been zero times in five months over here. Asking for this need of mine to be met right now would be a gigantic Love Buster.

SAA advises staying in Plan A for 3 - 6 months for a husband. During this time, expect to get ZERO of your emotional needs met. Dr Harley advises this because men can handle 3 - 6 months without all of their top ENs being met.

If you want your ENs to be met, the proper path is to meet your spouse's ENs to the best of your ability. Eventually your spouse will fall in love with you, and won't be able to help but meet your ENs.

Don't short-circuit the process and do NOT make selfish demands to get your needs met in the short term.
Posted By: SunnyDinTX Re: i want my wife back. - 09/19/12 08:20 PM
Originally Posted By: HoldHerHand
Originally Posted By: SunnyDinTX
it is up to the FWS to give just compensation before the real work can begin.


I object!

Only the first steps of just compensation are included before recovery ("the real work") begins. Extraordinary Precautions (including confession to exposure targets) and Transparency are given, and Recovery - creating an interdependent, romantic marriage - is a PART of Just Compensation.

In this mindset, Just Compensation is only met when; Extraordinary Precautions and Transparency are upheld, AND an interdependent, romantic marriage is MAINTAINED.



OK..so, I used the terms more loosely but I agree. I need to be more mindful of my wording, even when I'm in a hurry.

What I was referring to specifically was that Kiss did not offer up just compensation enough for RQ to fully jump into the waters of recovery with both feet. There MUST be enough reason for the BS to do so. In the case of a WH and BW, Dr. H. says that the WH must be fully remorseful - hat in hand attitude - willing to do whatever/however long. This was not Kiss' mindset in wanting to make it up to RQ. He wouldn't even apologize to her family, for instance - knowing she wanted him to.

There has not been a lot of evidence to support Kiss' remorse being that he has not been leading recovery efforts. RQ needed to see that before she was going to go all in herself.

Of course Just Compensation continues into recovery and beyond... The point was, there has to be enough just compensation for the BS to be willing to begin the hard work and the WS to continue providing Just Compensation.

It is slightly different, according to Dr. H, in terms of mindset as to whether the WS was the husband or the wife. He maintains that you may not see the level of remorse in a WW as opposed to a WH but a BW needs to see the "whatever it takes, however long it takes" attitude in a WH to begin recovery.
Posted By: Qoheleth Re: i want my wife back. - 09/20/12 05:11 PM
Something kiss may want to remember is that the timeline for Plan A for a betrayed wife is 3 weeks.

For a betrayed husband, it's 3 - 6 months.

In other words, wayward husbands need to get their act together FAST if they don't want to be on the receiving end of Plan B.
Posted By: Neak Re: i want my wife back. - 09/20/12 06:17 PM
And if it's been dragging on for ages (seems like at least forever, and I'm not even the one who's been dealing with it), the BS's $LB is bound to be bone-dry. Maybe even seriously in the red. It's hard to give an adequate sense of urgency through the computer, but this situation has been urgent for months.

I'm still waiting to see overwhelming action. There's nothing that I would like better than to see this recovery finally get off the ground, and this marriage to succeed.
Posted By: unwritten Re: i want my wife back. - 09/20/12 06:31 PM
Kiss, it has been 2 days now since you posted on your thread, asking for help because you know RQ is at the end of her rope. Several people have, again, tried to respond to your post with advice. Meanwhile you seem to be MIA again...

2 days does not seem like a lot of time. But in your situation, 2 days is an insurmountable time. This has to change like, 5 minutes ago. You do not have the luxury of posting and then taking a couple days off to just live your life and not worry about the next step.

YOU need to win HER back. And not the other way around. Do you get that? I have no doubt that when she sees you actually put the effort into doing just that, SHE will invest her own self into recovery. She would not be here if she didn't want the exact same thing you want, but she should not be the one to fix this mess and you know it.

Even if everything RQ was saying to us was a bold face lie, what we KNOW from your own posts is that you come on here, post, receive MANY responses, respond to very few and seem to take very little advice or in any way try to educate yourself on the program in a proactive way, then disappear for a month. Then come on here again with a post that RQ is at the end of her rope, rinse, repeat.

This is a half a$$ effort. If we can SEE this kind of half a$$ effort on your end, I can only imagine what RQ sees on her end. That is not just compensation. No BW will ever be able to recover and be happy under these circumstances. You seem to think that RQ just can't be happy and invested, but you have given her no reason to.

Dude we are all really, really hoping for your recovery. But nobody can do the work for you, including RQ.
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 09/21/12 07:38 PM
I will have rocket queen do the emotional questionnaire with me tonight. I definitely think it helps keep me on track with meeting her emotional needs. But a lot of her issues seem to be me not posting enough. I do read everyone's posts and some of the other threads also.

KISS
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 09/21/12 07:43 PM
I think some what but not totally. What bothers me is sometimes her lack of excitement to see me. I do work sucky hours and its hard sometimes. Like when I work an 9am to 8pm shift and I've been anxious to see her and when I get home I don't get the same kind of reaction back it really sucks bad. I know I messed up and I'm trying to make it up to her everyday.

I don't want her to do it because she feels she has to. I want her to really be excited and anxious to see me. I know that posting is the most important thing to her and it doesn't matter what I do as far as meeting her emotional needs that doesn't seem to have any weight to it. No matter if I try to have the house all clean when she comes home or spend a lot of time with the kids (witch I always do) or anything else it seems to be just about the posting.


KISS
Posted By: karmasrose Re: i want my wife back. - 09/21/12 11:22 PM
Because here is where you get the best advice. The people here know what to do!

The kids can't help you save your marriage.

Filling ENs is great. But lovebusters take all that out.

Would YOU be happy to see you?
Posted By: HoldHerHand Re: i want my wife back. - 09/22/12 07:16 AM
KISS,


Quick question; did you choose your name for the familiar acornym Keep It Simple Silly?

Then follow your namesake, sir!

If you want your wife to be excited to see you, you need to create reason for her to be excited, OK?


Firs and foremost; what are you doing to make those weekly UA targets? Avoiding Love Busters is critical, but stopping LB$ withdrawals really only becomes effective when you are also making deposits. Meeting regular emotional needs is good for maintaining a balance, but meeting Intimate Emtional Needs is what skyrockets your balance.


Sit your butt down each Sunday with Rocket, and plan out 20 hours each week of solid UA time. Meeting 15 hours a week takes a little over 2 hours each day, so getting 2-3 days a week of 4 hours or more takes you to 20 rather quickly.

March into your boss's office and tell him; my marriage is a wreck, and this job is MEANINGLESS if I don't have an intact family. See what can be done to get you OUT of the office, and HOME more often.


Also, I suggest you begin following this list;

Quote:
1 - Hug and kiss your wife and tell her you love her every morning while you're still in bed. Rub her back for a few minutes before you get up.

2 - Tell her that you love her while you are having breakfast together.

3 - Kiss her and tell her you love her before you leave for work.

4 - Call her during the day to ask how she is doing and that you love her.

5 - After work, call her before you leave to tell her when you will be home, and tell her you love her.

6 - Buy her flowers on the way home at least once a week, with a card that tells her you love her.

7 - When you arrive home from work, give her a big hug and kiss and spend a few minutes talking to her about how her day went. Don't do anything else before you have given her your undivided attention.

8 - Tell her that you love her as you are having dinner together.

9 - Help her clear off the table and wash and dry the dishes with her, giving her a hug and kiss at least once, and tell her that you love her.

10 - Hug and kiss her and tell her you love her in bed before you both go to sleep.


http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5010_qa.html




Doing these things will lead to her being excited to see you, because it will lead to her having Romantic Love for you.



Or, you can keep the pity party going, and your wife will leave you.


You are a negligent husband, sir. You either fix it, or face the consequences.

Quit feeling sorry for yourself, and man the hell up.
Posted By: HoldHerHand Re: i want my wife back. - 09/22/12 11:09 AM
KISS,


Get on the board, every day.

I will dedicate myself to trying to help you, every day.

You can notify on this post and request my email, and email me personally (that you have posted) every day, and I will come and post to you. Every day.

I want your marriage to succeed, sir. And I will put the work in here where I have more experienced backup. But you have to meet halfway here.

It won't be nice. I'll kick your butt up one side of the field and down the other, but I am willing to give that to you if you get off your duff and work.

Deal?
Posted By: indiegirl Re: i want my wife back. - 09/22/12 12:17 PM
Originally Posted By: unwritten

She would not be here if she didn't want the exact same thing you want, but she should not be the one to fix this mess and you know it.
.


RQ is disappointed, hurt and betrayed. You did that. Accept it.

Originally Posted By: kiss
What bothers me is sometimes her lack of excitement to see me. I do work sucky hours and its hard sometimes. Like when I work an 9am to 8pm shift and I've been anxious to see her and when I get home I don't get the same kind of reaction back it really sucks bad. I know I messed up and I'm trying to make it up to her everyday.

I don't want her to do it because she feels she has to. I want her to really be excited and anxious to see me.


RQ is disappointed, hurt and betrayed. You did that. Accept it.

The good news is that after months and months of really hard work, you won't be a wayward husband any more.

You'll be a former wayward husband who follows MB all the way. Whose moved mountains to make it up to his betrayed wife. Even when she had no heart to encourage him. But he carried on.

THAT is admirable. Not somebody who works all the hours god sends and then wonders why his wife is unhappy. Its kinda obvious why.

Are you that man? Can you keep going when all seems lost?
Posted By: KaylaAndy Re: i want my wife back. - 09/22/12 03:14 PM
Kiss - here's the thing. Minimal efforts do not recover a marriage. When a wayward takes the path of least resistance, they cheat again.

I have a friend who followed Marriage Builders plan; she did an extraordinary Plan A. Husband quite a bit like you, gave a lot of talk to winning her back, but what he really wanted was more Plan A. Endless Plan A.

She fatigued. Life happened. And he left her carrying most of the load. He wanted Plan A treatment without doing his part.

So then...

He cheated again.

And now the poor sap is wondering where the h*ll is his Plan A?

He was a minimal efforts/big talk kind of guy. He never did step up and WIN her back. He gave up OW and expected endless Plan A on that level of commitment. He was still thinking he was entitled, instead of realizing the magnitude of his assault on his marriage and abuse of his wife.

You're still thinking of what you're not getting, instead of what you're not giving.
Posted By: indiegirl Re: i want my wife back. - 09/22/12 03:42 PM
Originally Posted By: KaylaAndy

You're still thinking of what you're not getting, instead of what you're not giving.


Good summary.

BTW Kiss, just a tip but I would skip the EN inventory. You know her ENs, you know what she wants.

Less talk, more action. ESPECIALLY when she is giving you nothing in return.

You owe her.
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 09/23/12 01:22 AM
holdherhand,

That's a great list I do most of it pretty constantly. As I am a pretty affectionate person.The hardest one for me on a constant bases is calling her a couple of times a day when I'm at work. I do call her most of the time but sometimes I get so busy at work. I know its definitely important to her and I get angry at my self because I get so caught up in the chaos at work. I miss a text message or am late to respond to her but not to often.

KISS
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 09/23/12 01:33 AM
Holdherhand,

Sounds good to me. I get very involved in posting but once I work a couple of long days or I don't get a lot of feedback I seem to lose my focus. I know that I need to be committed and stay on track as this is the most important thing to my wife so it has to be the most important thing to me! I just need to be smacked to keep focused. As I am an assistant store Manager for a very large retail company and it's very hectic as their is a lot going on at once. One of my associates called me Dory from Finding Nemo as I am known to lose my focus once in a while. So it would be appreciated.

THANKS,
KISS
Posted By: Neak Re: i want my wife back. - 09/23/12 02:07 AM
You have 14 pages of feedback, much of which has never been addressed. I would suggest you start there.
Posted By: Letty Re: i want my wife back. - 09/23/12 04:29 AM
kiss, i count 411 posts on your thread. over 400! and you feel like you're not getting fb? really?

i don't think i've ever seen a post from you where you've said, "here is what we're doing for UA time this week." or "here's how i met RQs ENs this week."

it's like your thread is a .gif, forever on loop. "here i am, needing help. help please." several posts of help. crickets from you. then, "here i am, needing help. help please." and so on, and so on. if we feel this frustrated with you, i can only imagine how royally pissed off RQ must feel! do you realise how lucky you are she hasn't just walked out the door and called it quits?

she must really love you to keep trying and keep trying. but that doesn't mean you can keep taking her love for granted, because it WILL run out.

one of these days, your post is going to be, "help! RQ has left me and i don't know what to do!"

kiss, if anything, i just feel sad for you. you seem to live to work, and man, your life is so much *more* than work! as a supervisor, there has to be *some* way to deal with your workload and job-related stress.

but you see, no one is going to come take your hand and walk you through it. you need to deal, man! you need to get your priorities straight and take the action (many actions) that need to occur if you want to stay in your M.

it's simple, really. if you don't pull finger, your M isn't going to be there anymore. RQ certainly has a boatload of patience that i don't possess. but eventually, that patience will have run dry, her lovebank will be so far in the red that you will *never* be able to fill it up again, and she's going to walk away from you with a light heart, because the end of her M will only be a relief to her.

i'm sorry to be so harsh on you, but kiss, i just want to scream "wake the eff up!" it' not rocket science! you know her needs, you know how to fill them, you have this magnificent resource available to you, you have an *amazing* offer from HHH, and you just...aren't. banghead
Posted By: HoldHerHand Re: i want my wife back. - 09/23/12 07:36 AM
Originally Posted By: kiss
Holdherhand,

Sounds good to me. I get very involved in posting but once I work a couple of long days or I don't get a lot of feedback I seem to lose my focus. I know that I need to be committed and stay on track as this is the most important thing to my wife so it has to be the most important thing to me! I just need to be smacked to keep focused. As I am an assistant store Manager for a very large retail company and it's very hectic as their is a lot going on at once. One of my associates called me Dory from Finding Nemo as I am known to lose my focus once in a while. So it would be appreciated.

THANKS,
KISS


I worked retail for 10 years for one of the top 3 grocers. At one time I was aiming for management. And then I watched my favorite assistant manager. I was 24 at the time, he was 26. He had 4 kids, and his wife was a SAHM, as well as homeschooling the kids. He worked a similar schedule to what you are doing, 10+ hours a day, 6-7 days a week.

Eventually, his wife packed up her bags and told him; "Us, or the job. We are moving back to the other side of the state."

They now have 6 kids, and he works title and escrow. His experience in management in that company got him that job, as the particular chain I worked for had an excellent reputation for their management training at that time.

For myself, I stopped and looked; almost every member of management I ever worked with was in poor health, was divorced, or had addiction problems. The demand of the job was too much to maintain a healthy lifestyle.


Look around you Kiss, and ask yourself; is this job, this career worth my health and my family? Am I doing this because it is what I want to do, or because I think it is the best I can do?

One of my former managers stepped down to checking and is happier and healthier than he was in management. In fact, he and his wife run the youth group I send all my daughters to.


Your marriage requires more of your time, Kiss. You have to be the one to stand up and prioritize that. Ok?
Posted By: HoldHerHand Re: i want my wife back. - 09/23/12 08:42 AM
Originally Posted By: kiss
Holdherhand,

Sounds good to me. I get very involved in posting but once I work a couple of long days or I don't get a lot of feedback I seem to lose my focus. I know that I need to be committed and stay on track as this is the most important thing to my wife so it has to be the most important thing to me! I just need to be smacked to keep focused. As I am an assistant store Manager for a very large retail company and it's very hectic as their is a lot going on at once. One of my associates called me Dory from Finding Nemo as I am known to lose my focus once in a while. So it would be appreciated.

THANKS,
KISS



Ok, anecdote aside...

My offer is not unconditional. You had, in my opinion, the BEST possible board member for your situation trying to support you in HPB - and it seems he's tossed up his hands at this point.

I'm not your best bet. I may be your last chance. Ok? What I can see is a bilateral lack of motivation here - the BEST bet would be for you two to get enrolled with either the home study or online course, as both of you are in a motivatonal swamp.

I will try to help you to the best of my ability, but understand my ability; I am a peer, not a professional. I have only been here 2 years. I have only worked with written material, and have never been directly coached, nor done the MB weekend. I only participate in; 101, SAA, In Recovery, and occasional bits in other topics. There are dozens of better posters. You had the best, now you get the rest.

My conditions; you WILL post every day. If you are not going to post, you will post to notify me that you will not be posting. You can post from a smart phone in the hospital, or from a highway rest stop, so the only excuse I will find acceptable is this; "I will be out of the home with my wife." Since she is here and posting, I will be able to find out if you make a false claim on this condition.

When I request information, you will provide it. When I request you do some "homework" you will do it. Again, these things can be verified if you falsify.

If you fail to meet my conditions, I will place you on ignore and leave you to your own devices and the consequences carried by them without regret.

While I carry out this commitment, I will not read your wife's thread, and will only post to her if I have reason to believe you are less than honest with me, at which point, see the previous paragraph. My MB time will be FOCUSED on helping you specifically. That time is limited, don't waste it.


As I post, it is early morning Sunday, September 23rd, 2012. As it is Sunday, today you will sit down with your wife and your work schedule. You will plan out a minimum of 2 hours each night for UA time, and you will plan a minimum of 3 nights for a date. I don't care if it's a happy meal and a walk in the park, do it.

You have another request you will make that is part of this agreement; you will request 30 minutes when you get home from work to come here and read, and post. When you get home from work, you will follow the affection need meeting list - walk in, kiss your wife, tell her you love her, then come to read and post.
Posted By: SunnyDinTX Re: i want my wife back. - 09/24/12 12:05 AM
I concur with both Letty and HHH.

Just to add - it seems to me that whenever someone pops up and asks questions you don't want to answer, or you don't like his or her viewpoint, you simply ignore the post.

Your best bet for success here is in paying especially close attention to those posts!
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 09/24/12 02:50 AM
holdherhand,

our schedule for the week is as follows:

day my work schedule---our UA time
monday 9am-8pm 9pm-11pm
tuesday 9am-8pm 9pm-11pm
wednesday 1pm-12pm ------
thursday 9am-8pm 9pm-11pm
friday off all day
saturday off all day
sunday off all day

I'm taking Friday through Tuesday off so we can spend some time together. We are leaving on Sunday morning and going to Niagra Falls Canada for some alone time as my step Daughter is watching the kids for a couple of days.

KISS
Posted By: HerPapaBear Re: i want my wife back. - 09/24/12 11:39 PM
Originally Posted By: Neak
You have 14 pages of feedback, much of which has never been addressed.

I would suggest you start there.


YA, What Neak said!
Posted By: HoldHerHand Re: i want my wife back. - 09/25/12 01:39 AM
Originally Posted By: kiss
holdherhand,

our schedule for the week is as follows:

day my work schedule---our UA time
monday 9am-8pm 9pm-11pm
tuesday 9am-8pm 9pm-11pm
wednesday 1pm-12pm ------
thursday 9am-8pm 9pm-11pm
friday off all day
saturday off all day
sunday off all day

I'm taking Friday through Tuesday off so we can spend some time together. We are leaving on Sunday morning and going to Niagra Falls Canada for some alone time as my step Daughter is watching the kids for a couple of days.

KISS



1) DO NOT waste those days that are marked as "all day." DO NOT.

2) Those days where it's 9-11pm? They aren't going to fully fit the definition of UA time, as it is the end of the day and you will both be tired. Still, don't waste it. Get Rocket's cooperation - have your bedroom clean, quiet, and relaxing. I would suggest you do a little pampering; draw her a nice, hot bubble bath... hell, join her. When you are done, give her a nice head-to-toe rubdown with a good lotion - lavender scents are nice and relaxing.


This week you took time off to create that week-end.


Face the facts; your job is destructive to your marriage. Your work and experience should place you to something more conducive of a father and husband. I suggest you start looking.
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: i want my wife back. - 09/25/12 01:57 AM
Originally Posted By: kiss
holdherhand,

our schedule for the week is as follows:

day my work schedule---our UA time
monday 9am-8pm 9pm-11pm
tuesday 9am-8pm 9pm-11pm
wednesday 1pm-12pm ------
thursday 9am-8pm 9pm-11pm
friday off all day
saturday off all day
sunday off all day

I'm taking Friday through Tuesday off so we can spend some time together. We are leaving on Sunday morning and going to Niagra Falls Canada for some alone time as my step Daughter is watching the kids for a couple of days.

KISS


This is off subject but one of my favorite remix songs is "Then she kissed me" by KISS. You can find it on YouTube.

On the subject, Dr Harley has stated on the radio show that UA time should be quality time. Not worn out, dead tired time.
What is your profession?
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 09/26/12 01:37 AM
HDW,

yes "Then she kissed me" is deffinitly a great song. Then entire Love Gun album is incredible.

I deffinity have some things that we will do this weekend. As we have about a 6 to 7 hour drive to Niagra Falls Sunday morning. We will be getting their around 4ish. We will be going to dinner that night then we can have a few drinks find something fun to do.

Monday we are going to go on the "Maid of the Mist" witch I've been to Niagra Falls twice and never went on. Then we will go play miniture golf and walk around the area. That night we will be going out to dinner and then we will go to the casino their. Hopefully the wife doesn't lose to much as she can get out of control with the "I can win it back mentality". (Dangerous lol) Besides when she is winning she has this very sexy look of confidence to her. Then we will spend the day Tuesday and come home in the afternoon. The evening time I have some alone time ideas also.

I am an assistant store manager for on of the largest retail companies. I work 11 hours a day 5 days a week. I would the last couple of years live work. As I would turn my eleven hour day into 16 to 17 hour days. My 55 hour week would be 65 to 70 hours. I have been pretty good at just working my scheduled hours and try to run quickly. It's hard when you have set an expectation of being the one to get everything done and willing to do anything for so long thats its hard to get them to realize that my family comes first. I was close to getting promoted to store manager now that has taken a step back. I need to put all that effort into my marriage that I have lost focus of the last couple of years.

THANKS
KISS
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 09/26/12 01:53 AM
HoldHerHand,

Plans have changed a little as we aren't leaving for Niagra Falls till Sunday now. But we are going to spend the day friday together as we are going to go to our old house and go through some of our stuff and move it into storage and kind of start getting organized for our move sometime down the road. then we will have the kids in the evening. Then saturday we will do something as a family. We are having trouble with someone to watch the kids.

Rocketqueen said a short time ago that now instead of leaving Sunday at 9AM she wants to leave around 2ish. Because my step daughter is running a 5k race. That means we probably won't leave until at least 3ish so we will be getting their around 10pm. That kills that day!!! Then we would only have Monday and early Tuesday before we drive home. It's a 6-7 hour drive for us. Makes me wonder if its really worth going all the way thier for what will be really one day. I don't want to say to much to RocketQueen as I understand that she wants to see my step daughter run in this race as do I but this is supposed to be "our weekend".

How should I approach this?

THANKS
KISS
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: i want my wife back. - 09/26/12 01:54 AM
Sir you are a workaholic.
I know.
I was too.

Do you have a long commute also?

You may want to Consider counseling for the workaholic behavior.
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: i want my wife back. - 09/26/12 01:55 AM
Originally Posted By: kiss
HoldHerHand,

Plans have changed a little as we aren't leaving for Niagra Falls till Sunday now. But we are going to spend the day friday together as we are going to go to our old house and go through some of our stuff and move it into storage and kind of start getting organized for our move sometime down the road. then we will have the kids in the evening. Then saturday we will do something as a family. We are having trouble with someone to watch the kids.

Rocketqueen said a short time ago that now instead of leaving Sunday at 9AM she wants to leave around 2ish. Because my step daughter is running a 5k race. That means we probably won't leave until at least 3ish so we will be getting their around 10pm. That kills that day!!! Then we would only have Monday and early Tuesday before we drive home. It's a 6-7 hour drive for us. Makes me wonder if its really worth going all the way thier for what will be really one day. I don't want to say to much to RocketQueen as I understand that she wants to see my step daughter run in this race as do I but this is supposed to be "our weekend".

How should I approach this?

THANKS
KISS



POJA
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 09/26/12 02:53 AM
HDW,

No it takes me about 25 minutes to get to work. No I have never been to counseling I pretty much just work my schedule now. I don't stay any extra unless we have a big walk or ad to set. Even then I don't stay to often.

THANKS
KISS
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 09/26/12 02:56 AM
HDW,

I just don't want to think that my step daughter isn't important to me. She is very important. It's just that we don't get a chance to due this to often.

KISS
Posted By: Scotland Re: i want my wife back. - 09/26/12 04:20 AM
If your DSD is watching your children, I guess you'd need to wait until she is done the race, eh? Was this race not already planned? Did RQ have any say in the plans that you made for this weekend?

Your work schedule never impeded your ability to have an affair. You found time for that, because it was important to you.

It just so happens that I live in NF, Canada. It's lovely here, and there are a lot of things to do.
Posted By: indiegirl Re: i want my wife back. - 09/26/12 09:29 AM
When the two of you sit down (Dr H recommends Sundays) you fill in the UA time FIRST. Then you put in family time. Maybe use a big calender or diary in which upcoming events (like the 5k race) would be marked into. If you are sitting down and deciding it together at the same time every week then you should avoid these sorts of snags.

I would let RQ take the lead on what to do this weekend, but apologise for not organising things well enough. Promise her in future that you will do better and promise her a set time on a Sunday that you will both sit down and organise UA time.

The Sunday 'lets organise UA time' meeting should be sacred. I know RQ probably feels a bit like a leftover priority but if she is making decisions with you every week, it'll help her have faith that things will change and she is an active participant.

For example, if you go to Niagara, would you organise the following week that Sunday? You could maybe take the diary and arrange things over lunch.
Posted By: alis Re: i want my wife back. - 09/26/12 10:34 AM
Kiss,

A 6-7 hour drive alone is GREAT UA time, even if it's just for "one day". One of the best UA dates we ever had together was an 8 hour car drive alone.
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 09/26/12 03:14 PM
Scotland & Indiegirl,

My boss offered that I take this 5 day weekend a couple of months ago as we were short handed at work so my schedule sucked more then normal. She is also the one that mentioned going to Niagra Falls or something like that.

Rocketqueen and I have been talking about doing this for 5 or 6 weeks. We both thought that it would be a great place to go because their is so much to do. Plus RocketQueen loves going to gamble.

I knew my stepdaughter had this race coming up as I knew the location but not the date. Rocketqueen didn't realize it was this weekend until the last day or two.

Rocketqueen said she would see if her parents can watch the kids and go watch our stepdaughter run on Sunday. She said that she doesn't have the need to be their as long as someone is their for her. So we will see.

THANKS
KISS
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 09/26/12 03:18 PM
Alis,

I know its time together and we can talk but I hate driving severly. We are working on moving to Florida now and my parents have offered to come to New York just to drive our moving truck so I don't have to because they know just how much I hate driving.

I know that Rocketqueen gets a little crazy when in the passengers seat as she says I make here car sick. So hopefully its not that bad.

THANKS,
KISS
Posted By: HoldHerHand Re: i want my wife back. - 09/26/12 06:25 PM
Originally Posted By: kiss
Scotland & Indiegirl,

My boss offered that I take this 5 day weekend a couple of months ago as we were short handed at work so my schedule sucked more then normal. She is also the one that mentioned going to Niagra Falls or something like that.

Rocketqueen and I have been talking about doing this for 5 or 6 weeks. We both thought that it would be a great place to go because their is so much to do. Plus RocketQueen loves going to gamble.

I knew my stepdaughter had this race coming up as I knew the location but not the date. Rocketqueen didn't realize it was this weekend until the last day or two.

Rocketqueen said she would see if her parents can watch the kids and go watch our stepdaughter run on Sunday. She said that she doesn't have the need to be their as long as someone is their for her. So we will see.

THANKS
KISS



That sounds a little better.

You and Rocket really need to call on the support of family so that you two can really concentrate on rebuilding the Romantic Love in your marriage.

Take the lead on this; have a day off and do a dinner. Let your family members know that you two are trying to rebuild the Romantic Love in your marriage, and let them know that this means you need their help so that you can meet those UA goals.


And I am nuts-on-the-campfire serious here.

Let the family know you are committed to doing what it takes to have a better marriage, and to maintaining that better marriage. Let them know that their support is appreciated.
Posted By: Qoheleth Re: i want my wife back. - 09/26/12 07:05 PM
Hi kiss,

Start looking for a different job. My old job nearly killed my marriage. My current client understands that they are free to fire me anytime if they want me to work past 4:30 PM or work more than 40 hours in a week.

It will take months to rebuild any romantic love in RQ for you. During that time, you won't really see any signs of excitement at all from her. The biggest sign you can hang on to right now is that she's chosen not to leave.
Posted By: HoldHerHand Re: i want my wife back. - 09/27/12 06:02 PM
Originally Posted By: kiss
Alis,

I know its time together and we can talk but I hate driving severly. We are working on moving to Florida now and my parents have offered to come to New York just to drive our moving truck so I don't have to because they know just how much I hate driving.

I know that Rocketqueen gets a little crazy when in the passengers seat as she says I make here car sick. So hopefully its not that bad.

THANKS,
KISS




How does this move affect your job?


Is it a transfer into another marriage-killing schedule? Or will you actually get to live like a husband and father, and not just a paycheck?
Posted By: SugarCane Re: i want my wife back. - 09/27/12 08:44 PM
kiss, tell us about the large sum of money you spent on "pins", after your wife and you agreed a household budget. Tell us why you spent that money independently, breaking POJA and committing the love buster of independent behaviour, and how you intend to rectify this situation and undo the IB (which means getting a refund on the purchase).
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 09/28/12 07:18 PM
The pins I bought are Hard Rock Cafe pins of KISS that I have collected for the past 6 or 7 years. I have 15 glass display cases full and more in a box that I don't have cases for. I have an addiction to this hobby. It's value is around $10,000. When I visit Ebay probably 10 times a day to see if any are listed that I don't have. I just bought 16 pins for $150. I need 4 pins out of the 16. The other pins I will list on Ebay and I will get all my money back. The four I need usually sell for $100 to $160.

I am not a computer person I don't do face book or anything like that. I go on this web site, Ebay, ACEFREHLEY.COM, KISSONLINE.COM, hardrock.com and you tube to watch old KISS clips and videos thats about it. This is definitely an addiction for me I have collected things my entire life and been this way. I have baseball cards and all kinds of KISS memorabilia. Once I see something that is rare and don't have I have to have it. I have sold and cut down on a lot of my collection that I gathered through out the last 25-30 years. I have sold a lot and used the money to buy my pins.

I know that I should have talked to the wife before I bought them. I was on my break at work and seen how cheap they went for and knew I would get my money back and just reacted as their was only a couple minutes left. I did tell Rocketqueen as soon as I got home.

We were talking about it the other night and she started laughing at me as I just fumbled around talking about how it happened.

KISS
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 09/28/12 07:27 PM
I gave my wife an apology letter for her parents about a week ago. Her Dad wants us to meet tonight to talk. I'm not really sure what to expect or whats going to happen. Antone have advice on how to approach it?

THANKS,
KISS
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: i want my wife back. - 09/28/12 07:29 PM
Originally Posted By: kiss
I gave my wife an apology letter for her parents about a week ago. Her Dad wants us to meet tonight to talk. I'm not really sure what to expect or whats going to happen. Antone have advice on how to approach it?

THANKS,
KISS

Take full responsibility for your affair and the aftermath it has caused his whole family. Do not downplay it.

He will respect you more as a man.
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 09/28/12 07:34 PM
The transfer will be with the same company hopefully. As the money I make will allow Rocketqueen to not have to work. This way it will give us a lot more time together. So when I work and close my store we will be home all morning together and kids will be at school. So that will give us a lot more UA time. Also here my schedule is eleven hour days at a minimum in Florida they work 8-9 hour days and the job stress is a huge difference. If it doesn't work for our marriage I will look for another job once we get down their.

KISS
Posted By: HoldHerHand Re: i want my wife back. - 09/28/12 08:04 PM
Originally Posted By: kiss
I gave my wife an apology letter for her parents about a week ago. Her Dad wants us to meet tonight to talk. I'm not really sure what to expect or whats going to happen. Antone have advice on how to approach it?

THANKS,
KISS


With repentance in your heart? You hurt his baby, and therefore hurt him as well. I'm sure that you can have some empathy as a father.

It might not be easy, Kiss. But it is necessary.

The job situation sounds better. Hopefully they aren't pulling a bait and switch on you with the details.
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 09/28/12 08:41 PM
I agree with you 100% this is something that I have needed to due. I screwed up!! I need to due this for my wife and its the right thing to due. It is important to have their support. We always had a very close relationship with her parents in the past. Scared to face my mother in-law. Wish me luck!

KISS
Posted By: HoldHerHand Re: i want my wife back. - 09/28/12 09:04 PM
Originally Posted By: kiss
I agree with you 100% this is something that I have needed to due. I screwed up!! I need to due this for my wife and its the right thing to due. It is important to have their support. We always had a very close relationship with her parents in the past. Scared to face my mother in-law. Wish me luck!

KISS


You might be surprised. You don't need luck, bud. Just acceptance of responsibility and humility.
Posted By: indiegirl Re: i want my wife back. - 09/28/12 10:33 PM
Good luck
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 10/03/12 03:27 PM
so me and rocketqueen meet with her parents on Friday. It went about how I expected. Hopefully it's a step in the right direction. I know how important it is to her. Hopefully we can continue to correct my wrong doing.

KISS
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 10/03/12 03:34 PM
Rocketqueen and I just got back from Niagra Falls last night. It was great to spend some time alone with my wife. I enjoyed the alone time so much. It was great to be able to talk to her and not have the kids yelling for mommy or daddy. The food was great but expensive as we ate so much. We walked what seemed to be 100 miles. She was so cute with her hair all wet and crazy from the falls mist.

Thanks babe for a great couple of days,
KISS
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: i want my wife back. - 10/03/12 03:44 PM
Originally Posted By: kiss
Rocketqueen and I just got back from Niagra Falls last night. It was great to spend some time alone with my wife. I enjoyed the alone time so much. It was great to be able to talk to her and not have the kids yelling for mommy or daddy. The food was great but expensive as we ate so much. We walked what seemed to be 100 miles. She was so cute with her hair all wet and crazy from the falls mist.

Thanks babe for a great couple of days,
KISS

Good.

How did you do meeting the 4 intimate ENs?
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: i want my wife back. - 10/03/12 05:58 PM
This is from the Recovery Thread:

Originally Posted By: Rocketqueen
Originally Posted By: HDW
Yes.
The budget should be agreed upon using the POJA.
Dr Harley addressed a call about a budget on yesterday's radio show.
He recommended a grocery store exercise as practice.

The thing with budgets is that they have to be followed.
I encourage you to sit down and talk to him about it.
I am familiar with business operations. As a manager Kiss is too. The budget should be a standard operating procedure. (SOP). His employer has an SOP. The household needs one too, agreed upon by the POJA.


Finances has been a long standing issue with us. I'd be the one making budgets and writing down every dime I spent and he would treat the debit card like it was a never ending pocket. We have been through bankruptcy and our home is being foreclosed. So this has caused a A LOT of stress.I wrote down the budget the other night while he was at work and gave it to him to look over. I asked him if there was anything he wanted to change and he answered no. He laughed at my budget that I put myself on ($100 for 2 weeks) because he says that I would go over it. Then he goes and spend more than that in 1 sitting. It's very frustrating.


Kiss is there a reason why you violated the budget?
Have you fixed this by returning the items?
Posted By: Qoheleth Re: i want my wife back. - 10/03/12 06:22 PM
kiss,

I would advise reading (and following) Dave Ramsey's books on finances. It can be a bit disconcerting at first if you're used to using debit/credit cards but it's a good shock treatment to get out of a financial rut.

Violating POJA with the family budget is a pretty big Love Busters, you'll want to avoid that.
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 10/05/12 01:31 AM
Brainhurts,

I tried making her feel like everything was about her. I thought it was a great time as I got to hold her and hold her hand a lot.

We did talk a lot but some times I feel like Rocket didn't want to talk. I would ask her to talk to me about anything and most of the time I would get what do you want to talk about". I would then ask her to talk to me about anything she wanted to talk about but I wouldn't get nothing. Then when I would try to start a conversation I would get one word answers. It was frustrating at times but I feel that she thinks about it to much sometimes and expects a barn burning conversation. I feel she thinks to much into it without letting it flow. I do feel the same way at times. Its like you put to much thought into what to say and get lost in the pressure of conversation by trying to make it spectacular or your thinking what to talk about.

KISS
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 10/05/12 01:38 AM
HDW,

I didn't return the pins but I did talk to Rocketqueen about why I bought them. The price I paid for them and the quantity of pins made it worth it. I only needed 4 pins and the other 12 will resell for the amount I paid for all of them.

KISS
Posted By: karmasrose Re: i want my wife back. - 10/05/12 02:04 AM
The point is not that they will resell or be worth it, the point is that you bought them without consulting her.
Posted By: Viper Re: i want my wife back. - 10/05/12 02:06 AM
Originally Posted By: kiss
HDW,

I didn't return the pins but I did talk to Rocketqueen about why I bought them. The price I paid for them and the quantity of pins made it worth it. I only needed 4 pins and the other 12 will resell for the amount I paid for all of them.

KISS


Oh my, Kiss, do you actually read what you write? Do you actually sit there and convince yourself that what you are doing is the right thing to do? Do you actually sit there and tell yourself, "Well, I know I agreed to discuss this kind of purchase in the future with RQ (per POJA), but hell, it's just some pins...it's not that important."

I'm really not sure what the hell you are thinking or where the hell you are coming from. You should be bending over backwards to do everything to accommodate her and the first thing you do is engage in this kind of selfish behavior?? And for some KISS pins?? Hell, I'm a KISS fan too, but I sure as hell wouldn't put the purchase of some stupid assed pins before meeting the requirements that my wife has laid down for even a chance at reconciliation if I were in your shoes.

It's bad enough that you destroyed her with infidelity. But now you CHOOSE to destroy her further by making no real attempts to make some sort of amends for what you have done to her? You are showing her ZERO respect! And I mean ZERO!

You have a sense of entitlement that's simply amazing. You guys JUST went through the budget, and what's the FIRST thing you do?

Blow it sky high by buying some stupid KISS pins!!!!!

I'll tell you something, if I were to post to Rocket right now, I would tell her some things you don't want to hear. I can promise you that. You need to get your selfish ass in order and quick, or you're gonna find yourself on the outside looking in.

But I guess you'll have some pins to snuggle up to at night.

Not a total loss, huh? After all, they were a good price.

Good Lord, dude....pull your head out of your ass!
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: i want my wife back. - 10/05/12 02:41 AM
Lol.
I didnt know they were KISS pins.
I guess that makes it an acceptable love buster then
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: i want my wife back. - 10/05/12 02:48 AM
Originally Posted By: HDW
Lol.
I didnt know they were KISS pins.
I guess that makes it an acceptable love buster then

That's why his name is KISS, because it's his favorite band. laugh
Posted By: Neak Re: i want my wife back. - 10/05/12 06:13 PM
Quote:
The price I paid for them and the quantity of pins made it worth it.


Really?

"Honey, I know we're trying to build a new marriage and all, but these pins were much more important to me than you. After all, I'll get my money back, so it doesn't really matter that I broke your trust. You understand, don't you? The price was right. Um, RQ, where are you going? .........RQ?"
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: i want my wife back. - 10/05/12 06:31 PM
Originally Posted By: Rocketqueen
Originally Posted By: SunnyDinTX

Did Kiss re-read the IC chapter as prescribed?



No, I don't believe he has.

Aaand, I checked his phone last night and there were some friendly texts back and forth between him and a female co-worker that were not work-related. I just don't know what the heck I am going to do with him banghead


Kiss, do you want to be married?
Posted By: Letty Re: i want my wife back. - 10/05/12 09:17 PM
So, this is you working really hard, eh? What I got from your post is a sumtotal of holding her hand and asking for *her* to talk to you. What a waste of a trip.

What ens did you meet? Why didnt YOU lead the conversation?

And you got RQ to buckle on the pins ...got them listed on ebay yet?
sigh
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 10/06/12 12:06 AM
Karmasrose,

I do realize that I should have spoken to her about it. It was not the money thing it was a respect thing. It was very stupid on my part.

KISS
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 10/06/12 12:24 AM
HDW,

yes more then anything. I had a talk with my pier at work today and told her that she can not text me unless it is work related. It was an uncomfortable conversation as she kept apologizing and wanted to text my wife to apologize. I told her that she didn't have to do that. She did understand as she knows that I am trying to make my family and especially my wife the priority.

KISS
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 10/06/12 12:29 AM
Letty,

No they are not listed on Ebay yet. I wanted to last weekend before we went away but the Hard Rock website was down for a couple of days as they were redoing the site. I take the pictures of the pins off the site because they are sharp and photos don't come out that well as me and Rocketqueen have tryed many times in the past. The best time to list is on weekends so tomorrow night I will be listing them.

KISS
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 10/06/12 12:39 AM
Letty,

She has never voiced any displeasure with our trip she has told me several times that it was great. We did talk a lot driving was hit or miss. I hate driving so when I do drive I concentrate on the cars around me I usually drive about 80-85 miles an hour. I get very focused on how far we have gone and how much farther I need to go. So some times I don't talk a lot driving also Rocketqueen wasn't giving me much other then one word answers. Not to much in return at all. She was dozing off and on as well.

KISS
Posted By: HoldHerHand Re: i want my wife back. - 10/06/12 12:40 AM
I have an awesome and effective method for dealing with OS coworkers texting me trying to make small talk that works really well; I simply don't respond. At all. And I make it well known that I don't fraternize with coworkers; no texting, no facebook, nothing.

Text is the best way for my facility and coworkers to get a hold of me if they have questions (my usual response; did you read my chart notes?) or are asking for shift coverage. But, that isn't a license for anyone to try to small talk me outside of work.


Don't respond. Show your wife. Straighten out the coworker.


Respecting professional boundaries is NEVER rude.
Posted By: armymama Re: i want my wife back. - 10/06/12 12:57 AM
Did I understand correctly that you told your co-worker enough information that she wanted to talk to your wife and apologize? Why were you talking to co-worker about your wife at all? I can imagine that this conversation was along the lines of, "I can't text you because my wife doesn't want me to". Tossed RQ under the bus again, right? Oh yeah, a common occurrence.

AM
Posted By: Letty Re: i want my wife back. - 10/06/12 01:26 AM
sigh I missed that whole thing with the coworker.

Kiss, I am glad youre posting regularly now. Keep that going.
Posted By: no_where_to_go work in progress - 10/07/12 01:57 PM
It was nothing like that I told her that I need to maintain a professional relationship and texting and conversations need to stay work related. She questioned what she said that was wrong and I told her their wasn't anything bad its just that we need to keep our relationship work based. She said she felt bad if anything was perceived wrong and wanted to talk to my wife. I told her that it wasn't necessary.

She knows that I am trying to put my family first and that my wife is my number one priority.

KISS
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 10/07/12 02:06 PM
Thanks,

Holdherhand,

That is what I have been doing for a while now. I just have to always keep my guard up and remember the true prize (ROCKETQUEEN) at all times. A simple conversation is what starts it all. Looking back you always wonder how could I have had an affair! How could I have done that to my best friend. It all starts by a simple conversation that leads to another simple conversation. Then it snowballs into something that is devastating and you lose control of how you act and think.

KISS
Posted By: SusieQ Re: i want my wife back. - 10/07/12 04:46 PM
Originally Posted By: kiss
I had a talk with my pier at work today and told her that she can not text me unless it is work related. It was an uncomfortable conversation as she kept apologizing and wanted to text my wife to apologize. I told her that she didn't have to do that.


Wow, talk about trying to sweep something under the rug.

Why did you even ENGAGE in these non-work related texts with a female in the first place (which was a violation of your EPs)? Please answer this question.

Secondly, the answer to breaking an EP was not to continue with poor boundaries by going to work and talking to this woman about your marital issues. Do you understand this? Yes or no?

Why did you not use this forum (which is here as a resource for you to get feedback BEFORE you do things that affect your marriage) to get help in how to handle this situation? Please answer.

I can't help but to notice that former (??) wayward spouses who are working on MB-based recovery that break EPs are often breaking other rules. Have you broken any other recovery rules (other than the pins) that we need to know about?
Posted By: SusieQ Re: i want my wife back. - 10/07/12 04:52 PM
Originally Posted By: kiss
I just have to always keep my guard up and remember the true prize (ROCKETQUEEN) at all times. A simple conversation is what starts it all.


Sounds nice, KISS. But the fact that this woman even thought she could text friendly with you to begin with...tells me that you two are friendly and chatty at work. The fact that you went into work to talk to her about RQ finding the texts and about your marital issues...

BIG RED FLAG.
Posted By: indiegirl Re: i want my wife back. - 10/07/12 05:08 PM
Originally Posted By: kiss
Thanks,

Holdherhand,

That is what I have been doing for a while now. I just have to always keep my guard up and remember the true prize (ROCKETQUEEN) at all times. A simple conversation is what starts it all. Looking back you always wonder how could I have had an affair! How could I have done that to my best friend. It all starts by a simple conversation that leads to another simple conversation. Then it snowballs into something that is devastating and you lose control of how you act and think.

KISS


Kiss, considering your A was with a coworker, just how much do you think a trigger like this hurts RQ?

In future, if you get ANY text from an OS coworker, show RQ. Then ask her what your response to the coworker should be. AND agree what your conversations with the coworker at work should be like with RQ ahead of time. If RQ tells you to simply say 'Oh I didnt see your texts, I dont really text much' then do it.

Even work-related texts. That's how much reassurance she needs.
Posted By: SusieQ Re: i want my wife back. - 10/07/12 05:09 PM
From your first post on this thread regarding OW:

Originally Posted By: kiss
Then I started talking to one of my associates a female. This was probably about November. We would talk alot at work in the beginning. Then we started texting and talking on the phone a lot.



Are you at the same workplace?
Posted By: SusieQ Re: i want my wife back. - 10/07/12 07:01 PM
Originally Posted By: kiss
A simple conversation is what starts it all. Looking back you always wonder how could I have had an affair! How could I have done that to my best friend. It all starts by a simple conversation that leads to another simple conversation.


This is what alarms me -- you are not ignorant of MB and EPs.... You just very recently almost destroyed your M by engaging in this type of behavior and you went down the same path knowing the trouble it could land you in again.

Either you don't care enough about RQ's feelings to stop doing things you KNOW will hurt her or you have no self control.
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: i want my wife back. - 10/08/12 03:46 AM
Originally Posted By: kiss
Thanks,

Holdherhand,

That is what I have been doing for a while now. I just have to always keep my guard up and remember the true prize (ROCKETQUEEN) at all times. A simple conversation is what starts it all. Looking back you always wonder how could I have had an affair! How could I have done that to my best friend. It all starts by a simple conversation that leads to another simple conversation. Then it snowballs into something that is devastating and you lose control of how you act and think.

KISS


It's a good thing you don't work for the CIA.
The Russians would just need to send in a woman and you would start blabbing.

Just don't talk to women. If you need to quit then do it
Posted By: HoldHerHand Re: i want my wife back. - 10/08/12 07:25 AM
Originally Posted By: kiss
Thanks,

Holdherhand,

That is what I have been doing for a while now. I just have to always keep my guard up and remember the true prize (ROCKETQUEEN) at all times. A simple conversation is what starts it all. Looking back you always wonder how could I have had an affair! How could I have done that to my best friend. It all starts by a simple conversation that leads to another simple conversation. Then it snowballs into something that is devastating and you lose control of how you act and think.

KISS




When designing EP's that I would agree enthusiastically with for my wife (she was the wayward in our situation) I went out and really dug into where you draw those lines.

Probably a lot further away than you would believe, KISS.

For instance; simply talking about things you like, like books, movies, music, or games reveals intimate details about us that actually allows us to decide if we like someone or not, and even whether or not we find them attractive.

Would you believe one of the the things my wife and her OM spent a lot of time doing (at work, in a retail environment) was.... MUSIC?

"Small talk" is usually intimate in nature in some way... it is investigative.


DON'T MAKE SMALL TALK WITH WOMEN, KISS.


And that has to be your decision, bud. Trust me, I know. I work in a predominately female world... and I constantly have to remind certain females that I; 1) am not the elected or appointed representative of all men of the world, 2) have no interest in their love lives, and 3) any complaints they have about their husband/boyfriend/housepet would better be directed at that person that the med nurse at work.


I often get the "Well, YOU'RE quiet tonight."


Yeah, I'm here to work, and I'm busy.

"Oh, yeah. Me too... " Harumph harumph.


If a couple tylenol or ibuprofen can't fix it, I dun wanna herrr 'bout it!
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 10/08/12 06:35 PM
How was I SWEEPING IT UNDER THE RUG!! My wife told me on the phone that she wasn't happy about the text messages so I told her I would have a conversation with the coworker that I would tell her that and text messages or conversations we have must be work related and professional.

The text messages were from a work meeting we had. After the meeting all the bosses took us out for lunch. I left my car on one side of the complex and after we ate I had to walk all the way around the building to get back to my car. I sent her a text saying that I forgot how far I was away from my car and I was walking back. When I was leaving a couple of my old coworkers (males) told me to text them when I got home because it was raining so hard and the highway was a complete stand still. Then later I received a text from her saying she made it home. I responded that I was a couple of minutes from my house. That was all the text messages.


I do not talk to her about my issues with my wife. She does know that I moved out for a couple of months and that I try to just work my schedule so I can be home with my wife and kids.

I didn't ask anyone on this site if I should text her.

No I have not broken any other recovery rules.

KISS
Posted By: unwritten Re: i want my wife back. - 10/08/12 07:19 PM
Kiss, you are missing a very large part of the big picture here. The picture of protection.

H and I are in a very similar spot in R as you and RQ. He works in an environment that has women. He NEVER, not ever, I repeat NEVER, has a woman text him, for any reason, work related, personal, or to let him know she 'made it home.' How do I know this? Because I keep diligent track of his texts. If he had a woman text him and say simply, 'hi,' I would lose my mind. Why is this such a big deal? Because the pain RQ has been through from your infidelity is SO GREAT, even so much as you glancing at another woman reminds her of it.

You have to learn a thing or two about protection here Kiss. You have to understand that ANY interaction you have with another woman leaves RQ to wonder 'what if...' What if she really isn't just a coworker? What if there is something about THIS coworker I don't know? What if something is going on? What if... You are in a critical stage of recovery, where there can be no room for what ifs... You have to protect your marriage in a way that makes RQ feel SAFE. Having any woman, for any reason, text you, will NOT make her feel safe. Quite the opposite.

Buying pins on ebay without asking, selfish and inconsiderate and a big LB. Communicating by text with a woman in a friendly manner, in a category all on its own, IMO.

You need to stop saying sorry, and start preventing these things from happening before they do. Ask yourself 'what will RQ think?' or 'how will this make RQ feel?' before EVERYTHING you do.

Have you ever thought about the situation as if you were in her shoes? If RQ had an A with a coworker, and you were trying to recover with her, and you found a friendly text to another male coworker on her phone? How would it make you feel? Think about it.
Posted By: NebDane Re: i want my wife back. - 10/08/12 07:21 PM
Brother
you need better boundaries with women.
Your wife needs you to do that for her.
Maybe you should think about changing jobs for your marriage.
Posted By: unwritten Re: i want my wife back. - 10/08/12 07:26 PM
Originally Posted By: kiss
I sent her a text saying that I forgot how far I was away from my car and I was walking back. Then later I received a text from her saying she made it home. I responded that I was a couple of minutes from my house. That was all the text messages.


Why? Why did you initiate sending a text to another female? Why did she need to know that you forgot how far away your car was? Why did she need to know that you were a couple minutes from home?

Now that H and I have implemented UA time into our life, we often meet for lunch dates. As we sit at the restaurant and eat I look around me at the 'coworkers' sharing lunch, talking, telling stories, laughing...I think, how much better the world would be if more of these people were sharing lunch with their SPOUSE (talking, telling stories, laughing) than with some other random OS friend. And how dangerous and damaging it is. The reason I bring this up, is because those two texts were an opportunity for you to text your WIFE. "Hi honey, just leaving the meeting. I forgot how far away I parked my car! Can't wait to get home to see you!" "(heart)" Instead of RQ finding some texts that made her get that knot in her stomach, she would have gotten a couple texts to put a smile on her face.
Posted By: indiegirl Re: i want my wife back. - 10/08/12 07:36 PM
Originally Posted By: kiss
I sent her a text saying that I forgot how far I was away from my car and I was walking back.


Why?

Why did you feel she needed to know what you were doing at a random given moment?

I send to texts at men at work. They are ALWAYS work related. 'Do x by x deadline' or 'do you have a number for that contact?'
In my boundaries with men at work, I OBVIOUSLY avoid sending irrelevant 'means nothing' texts.

Because when we send texts for no reason it implies we are trying to MAKE UP reasons for contacting each other.

A male colleague once sent me a 'hey I'm just chilling out, so stressed today' message.

I blocked him and haven't had a conversation with him since.

And we did NOT have a discussion about why!!!
Posted By: SusieQ Re: i want my wife back. - 10/08/12 09:59 PM
Originally Posted By: kiss
How was I SWEEPING IT UNDER THE RUG!!


First of all, if you would lose the defensive attitude, we might get somewhere. Because it is obvious to me you missed the point.

Secondly, you can buy and sell/post listings on ebay but you can't be bothered to learn how to use the quote function on this forum that I could teach my 10 yr old how to use in five minutes? Really? Because you didn't answer some of my questions. And this isn't the first time this problem has been brought to your attention.

If you would stop being LAZY and put a little more effort into posting and reading here, maybe we would get somewhere. Because right now your M is in critical condition because of your affair and instead of repairing the damage, you are adding insult to injury. Once your W loses all her love and respect for you, it will be nearly impossible for you to turn this around.

Start by answering every question that is asked of you by using the quote function and demonstrate that you have actually given the answer and some thought. Will be back...
Posted By: SusieQ Re: i want my wife back. - 10/08/12 10:10 PM
Originally Posted By: SusieQ
From your first post on this thread regarding OW:

Originally Posted By: kiss
Then I started talking to one of my associates a female. This was probably about November. We would talk alot at work in the beginning. Then we started texting and talking on the phone a lot.



Are you at the same workplace?


You did not answer.
Posted By: SusieQ Re: i want my wife back. - 10/08/12 10:11 PM
Originally Posted By: SusieQ
Why did you even ENGAGE in these non-work related texts with a female in the first place (which was a violation of your EPs)? Please answer this question.


Quote:
Secondly, the answer to breaking an EP was not to continue with poor boundaries by going to work and talking to this woman about your marital issues. Do you understand this? Yes or no?


These questions were not answered.
Posted By: HoldHerHand Re: i want my wife back. - 10/08/12 10:13 PM
Going to go with another iteration of your name Keep It Simple Silly;

You admitted yourself that it starts with conversation - so, don't have the conversations.

Secondly, we addressed one solution; don't respond. Just. Don't. Respond. Let alone initiate.

And lastly, what is your goal here? To recover your marriage. To do that you need to restore romantic love in your marriage. To do that, you have to create a balance in your wife's Love Bank that is sufficient to create feelings of romantic love.

Your account is in the red, and this text exchange made a withdrawal. Any reasoning or justification behind that is irrelevant to the fact that it cost you the love of your wife, if even in the smallest amount.


If you had a department come up in the negative with sales and inventory, would you make decisions that increase the deficit, or would you impliment plans to build the inventory and sales back up?

Your marriage is facing corporate shutdown due to loss of profits. Turn it around.
Posted By: markos Re: i want my wife back. - 10/08/12 10:16 PM
I think Susie is helping you a lot by pointing out questions you have not answered. That happens here amazingly frequently by people who AREN'T GOING TO MAKE IT.

If you want to make it, answer all of the questions asked to you, especially questions asked by good posters here who know this program.
Posted By: SusieQ Re: i want my wife back. - 10/08/12 10:34 PM
Originally Posted By: kiss
My wife told me on the phone that she wasn't happy about the text messages so I told her I would have a conversation with the coworker that I would tell her that and text messages or conversations we have must be work related and professional.




Kiss, I am trying to get you to SEE that this forum is a tool here to help you. Your M is on life support and there is no room for mistakes anymore. If you break an EP or do anything else that upsets your W, you should immediately post here for feedback and help.

You did not handle this breach in EPs correctly at all. It was a further breach of EPs (discussing why you didn't want her to text you anymore was of a PERSONAL NATURE, not work related, and that discussion one on one SHOULD NEVER HAVE HAPPENED) It doesn't matter that RQ was onboard with it. She will look back and wonder, as armymama pointed out, what exactly the two of you were talking about. Was it what you said or was it, "RQ found those texts and freaked out, we need to be more careful, OK?"

How do I know? Because I was in RQ's position before and was in this scenario.

Each time my ex got a non-work related text, even if it SEEMED BENIGN, it made me feel unsafe and withdrew HUGE love units and made me wonder if I wanted to stay in the M. That is why you must take this more seriously.

Do you understand?
Posted By: SusieQ Re: i want my wife back. - 10/08/12 10:40 PM
Originally Posted By: kiss
after we ate I had to walk all the way around the building to get back to my car. I sent her a text saying that I forgot how far I was away from my car and I was walking back.


You seem to acknowledge earlier that this was not work related. But here you are trying to bury this around words like "work meeting" and "male coworker said this" blah blah.

This was not a work related text. This was a personal text. The only person I would text something like this to would be my sister or close friend. No male coworker has ever emailed or texted me anything like this EVER.

The reason that you started this exchange is because you have poor boundaries which is what led to your first affair and unless you make radical changes you will most likely end up having another affair.

Do you understand?
Posted By: indiegirl Re: i want my wife back. - 10/08/12 10:55 PM
And this woman texting you that she got home safe....

...What on earth has that got to do with you?

This woman thinks that you two are good friends.

Why is that?

I think its because you still talk to women in a way that is likely to create friendships.

How are you/hows your day/tell me about your weekend/do you like that band too?

Sound like you?

How do you think you can change that and reassure RQ of the change?
Posted By: Scotland Re: i want my wife back. - 10/09/12 01:03 AM
My WH's affair is with a co-worker, and his texts started out just like that. OW was worried about his safety, and she texted him, and he texted her to say he arrived home safely. This is how affairs START. And, YOU started this personal exchange. YOU need to acknowledge that fact, and take responsibility for it. This is all on you, Bud.
Posted By: markos Re: i want my wife back. - 10/09/12 02:55 AM
Originally Posted By: indiegirl
I think its because you still talk to women in a way that is likely to create friendships.


Golden truth.

I don't know if you know it or not, kiss, but this is the truth.
Posted By: markos Re: i want my wife back. - 10/09/12 02:56 AM
What is your goal here? I thought a few weeks ago she was about to check out of the marriage, and you wanted to turn that around by making any changes necessary.
Posted By: markos Re: i want my wife back. - 10/09/12 03:04 AM
"work related" means ABOUT THE JOB.

I'm a computer programmer, so for me, work related means about the programs I write and the devices they run on. Work related would be when a woman at work comes to me and says "I ran this program, and expected to see this happen, but that happened instead." She might deliver that by email or in person; I can't imagine getting it by text message.

Getting home safely is not about the job. My female coworkers have husbands, boyfriends, children, parents, family, who care whether they get home safely. I do not. I care about whether Prisca gets home safely, because I have a marriage vow to care about her. Other people are big girls (or boys) and can figure out how to get home on their own, and if they don't, it is not my problem.

Texts that you would send to your family and loved ones are not work related. i.e., looking for my car, going to Joe's for lunch, got home safely. None of those have anything to do with the job.

Do you read any threads here besides your own? (I expect an answer.) There are some things you need to learn from hearing about other marriage situations. You seriously aren't going to make it if you just blog here; you need to be reading other threads and/or listening to the radio show daily, preferably both. You need to be learning how to handle situations BEFORE they come up, not after.
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: i want my wife back. - 10/09/12 03:19 AM
Originally Posted By: indiegirl
And this woman texting you that she got home safe....

...What on earth has that got to do with you?

This woman thinks that you two are good friends.

Why is that?

I think its because you still talk to women in a way that is likely to create friendships.

How are you/hows your day/tell me about your weekend/do you like that band too?

Sound like you?

How do you think you can change that and reassure RQ of the change?


I think you just need to stop talking to women. Are you able and willing to do that?
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 10/09/12 09:36 PM
Susie Q,

No I am not. I transferred in February.

KISS
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 10/09/12 09:43 PM
Markos,


I do not read other threads. I read things if someone puts a link up on my thread. That's about it. I have read some of herpapabears posts.

Is their any particular thread you think I should read?

KISS
Posted By: Logans_Run Re: i want my wife back. - 10/09/12 10:24 PM
Originally Posted By: kiss
Markos,


I do not read other threads. I read things if someone puts a link up on my thread. That's about it. I have read some of herpapabears posts.

Is their any particular thread you think I should read?

KISS


If you were serious about recovering your marriage you would read and find threads yourself. You ever hear the term "a team of wild horses would not keep you away"
Posted By: SusieQ Re: i want my wife back. - 10/09/12 10:34 PM
It's sad when people posting to you care more about fixing your M than you do.

You know that RQ is watching this thread and this is represent yourself? You obviously DON'T CARE THAT MUCH.

I will not waste my time anymore. I will come back when you are serious -- and no, don't bother telling me you are serious. I will be able to tell by the way that you post.
Posted By: indiegirl Re: i want my wife back. - 10/09/12 11:08 PM
How about listening to Dr H on the radio every day to brush up your MB knowledge?

You can get an app on most phones that will get you the show. You could listen to it while you have lunch and discuss the theme with RQ when you get home.

Its very important you pull out all the stops right now and RQ SEES you doing that.

What did you think of my suggestion you check all work text responses with RQ?

It would help you POJA if you thought before you acted more. Checked with RQ.

Instead of thinking 'Well I think it's OK because I can get my money back on these pins/because I'm not discussing my marriage with this woman so it's fine according to ME'

Think: "What will RQ think? Well the only way to know that is to ask her BEFORE I act"

Can you give us an example of something you POJAd with RQ lately?

Cause honestly, if you don't start practising this basic soon, you soon won't have the chance.
Posted By: Neak Re: i want my wife back. - 10/10/12 02:30 PM
Kiss, I still encourage you to start back at the beginning of your thread, and go through it bit by bit.

It would also be a really good idea to read stories of couples who have made it, especially the ones where the husband was wayward (though you will learn from WW's, too).

Have you read HerPapaBear's story? Have you read mine? The classic of what Pepperband asked of her WH before she would consider R? There are many, many such stories on here. As you see what a repentant FWS looks like, hopefully you'll understand why we've been, and will continue to be, so hard on you for as long as you're willing to stick around and grow. You have not been showing the fruits of repentance.

Reading about the fruits of repentance won't allow you to imitate them. But as you see the frank pain of other BS's, and realize what you have put your own priceless treasure through, you may be moved to genuine remorse and a desire for a change that goes all the way to the core.

You need to become a whole new man. Whether it every gets you anywhere with RQ, it's what you need for your sake and your kids' sake. You can put a saddle on a pig, but it will never be a horse. No matter if you tie on a mane and long flowing tail, it's still a pig. Similarly, you can dress up entitlement as repentance till the cows come home, and make a few cosmetic changes, but until you completely swap out the animal under the saddle, all you've got is a pig in a wig.

You can be different. If you want to be.
Posted By: markos Re: i want my wife back. - 10/10/12 03:05 PM
Originally Posted By: HDW
Originally Posted By: indiegirl
And this woman texting you that she got home safe....

...What on earth has that got to do with you?

This woman thinks that you two are good friends.

Why is that?

I think its because you still talk to women in a way that is likely to create friendships.

How are you/hows your day/tell me about your weekend/do you like that band too?

Sound like you?

How do you think you can change that and reassure RQ of the change?


I think you just need to stop talking to women. Are you able and willing to do that?


Unanswered question.
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: i want my wife back. - 10/11/12 03:00 AM
Dr Harley addressed a spouse on today's radio show that had personal texts with women.
He encouraged the spouse to have NO personal conversations with the opposite sex
Posted By: Pineneedle Re: i want my wife back. - 10/12/12 04:13 PM
Did you give up?
Posted By: Logans_Run Re: i want my wife back. - 10/12/12 05:01 PM
He might be busy researching some more KISS pins.
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 10/13/12 10:24 PM
SusieQ,

I didn't think about the text when I sent it. I put it out their like a I'm a dumb ass look what the hell I did!!! Thinking everyone with her would laugh about it when she told them as it was pouring and I was soaked. I realize now it was a "I'm a dumb ass" thing to do!!

I never went to work and discussed my marital issues. I just told her that I would like to keep our text messages and conversations professional and work related. Also me talking to her about was discussed with rocketqueen and she was happy and couldn't believe I said anything to her. Rocketqueen seemed very happy that I did address it with her.

KISS
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 10/13/12 10:30 PM
HDW,

I can't stop talking to woman it's my job. I have stopped talking to them personally and I just keep the conversations about work give direction. Outside of work I don't talk to any woman as I avoid it and I don't put myself in that situation.

KISS
Posted By: indiegirl Re: i want my wife back. - 10/13/12 10:39 PM
Ok KiSs, that's not really gOod enough, because as past history has shown affairs can develop 'inside work' so how can you do better?

Perhaps by not sending friendly texts to women? At all?
Posted By: Surfer88 Re: i want my wife back. - 10/13/12 11:37 PM
"I didn't think about the text when I sent it. I put it out their like a I'm a dumb ass look what the hell I did!!!"

Kiss, THIS IS THE PROBLEM. You have miles and miles to go, my friend. How can it be said differently...these funny, random comments that enter your brain that make you want to text someone? THAT SOMEONE IS ROCKETQUEEN. End of story. That is your person. RQ. Period. It's not hard to understand. It's also not hard to do. What you are doing is ASKING other people to fill an EN. Period. And, by doing that, you so clearly violating this EP. You want someone to get a laugh? Ask RQ. You want to be a fun guy? Be a fun guy with RQ. For God sake it is not that hard. Your need for other's attention will go right out the window if you would just create the habit - yes, habit - of turning to your wife first and every time.

The minute you sent that text you took a hit off the crack pipe. Not the response that you got (that was the second hit), but the minute you hit SEND.
Posted By: Surfer88 Re: i want my wife back. - 10/13/12 11:52 PM
"I have stopped talking to them personally and I just keep the conversations about work give direction. Outside of work I don't talk to any woman as I avoid it and I don't put myself in that situation."

Nope, not the case. This is a flat out LIE. Why? Because you lie to yourself by ommission, and thus to RQ. I know you, Kiss, and do so many others here. That mindless-I-didn't-even-think-about-it text immediately filled and EN, and you know it. That's why you sent it.
Posted By: Darkguy Re: i want my wife back. - 10/14/12 12:23 AM
This is coming from a BH, stop making excuses for your transgressions. I wish my wife would be on this site so we can recover you have that chance for recovery and your about to blow it. If its your job to talk to this woman then find a new one transfer do something but if your marriage and kids are important you will do whatever it takes even if its hard. The people on this forum helped me immensely. They are trying to help you and your wife and your making excuses for your wayward behavior. I believe you want to change but your too lazy to do it.
Posted By: karmasrose Re: i want my wife back. - 10/14/12 01:12 AM
ITA with DSC.

You had an affair because of your work. Do you know what is required?

A new job.

Work involving talking to women = affair

- WITTW

= one less trigger for your poor wife! Less likelihood for you to have another affair!

Please begin looking for a new job if you haven't already!
Posted By: Surfer88 Re: i want my wife back. - 10/14/12 01:29 AM
Agreed, but Kiss doesn't have boundries, period. No job is going to prevent working with women, and even if he found that job, it's still not the core issue. He allows ENs to be met by others that are not RQ. Job or no job. Unless and until he gets that, the cashier at Starbucks is a threat to RQ.

This isn't a matter of a WW/WH changing jobs to go NC with a OW/OM anymore. Kiss can't change life. Karmarose: we agree but for Kiss constantly changing jobs in that one or another include women? Really, life includes women. He just has terrible self-control and less care for RQ in that he will not stop really simple things that violate EPs. I net it out as that. Kiss is LAZY. He has SO much help right here, and he posts randomly, ignores questions, and claims ignorance on so many levels.

Many of you have been so patient, but many have also checked out. Kiss, do RQ a favor and go.
Posted By: Logans_Run Re: i want my wife back. - 10/14/12 01:34 AM
and go.....finish your kiss pin collection.....I'm just saying.....
Posted By: Viper Re: i want my wife back. - 10/14/12 02:03 AM
Originally Posted By: Logans_Run
and go.....finish your kiss pin collection.....I'm just saying.....

This is where I have a problem with him. It seems he is completely incapable of asking himself this simple little question before making any decision....

Is this something RQ would agree to or be comfortable with?

It's not that difficult for most people, but for him it seems to be an impossible mountain to climb.

He just seems too ME oriented, when it should be US. I don't think he has a damned clue what US entails. He is the poster child for independent behavior.

And he doesn't even realize it.
Posted By: Viper Re: i want my wife back. - 10/14/12 02:23 AM
Not to mention that it seems he's posting only to appease RQ's requirement for an effort at recovery, and not truly seeking help in repairing him or his marriage. I could easily be wrong, but that's the way it appears to me.
Posted By: Surfer88 Re: i want my wife back. - 10/14/12 02:25 AM
Agreed, except I think he is completely clued in. We all know Kiss...he keeps asking for help...yet, he knows very well what to do. It's easy. We know it's easy. RQ knows it's easy. And, Kiss knows it's easy. He just chooses to not do it.

But, he provides his own cheese with the whine. That's why he's gone for days on end. He could have turned this around month's ago.

Like SQ, I'm out.
Posted By: Surfer88 Re: i want my wife back. - 10/14/12 02:27 AM
Exactly. We crossed over. Agree with Viper 100%. Poor RQ. My efforts will be there versus here in type, mind and spirit.
Posted By: karmasrose Re: i want my wife back. - 10/14/12 02:32 AM
When he said he worked with women, for some reason I just assumed something in the nature of his job exposed him to more than the normal amount of women in the usual workplace. Brain fart, I apologize. That was unreasonable of me.
Posted By: Surfer88 Re: i want my wife back. - 10/14/12 02:41 AM
:)Karma.
Posted By: Letty Re: i want my wife back. - 10/14/12 02:57 AM
Originally Posted By: HDW
Dr Harley addressed a spouse on today's radio show that had personal texts with women.
He encouraged the spouse to have NO personal conversations with the opposite sex


can someone link this show, please?
Posted By: Surfer88 Re: i want my wife back. - 10/14/12 03:03 AM
True, Logan's Run. Sheesh.
Posted By: Logans_Run Re: i want my wife back. - 10/14/12 01:03 PM
You have not made any real changes in the 7 months you have been posting.

You occasionally throw RQ crumbs here and there.

You come and post, but you are all talk and no REAL action.

This has become really quite pathetic on your part.

You need to either man-up and make radical changes and maybe, just maybe have a chance at saving your marriage. Or two, walk away and let RQ have the opportunity to heal.

As I see it, you will sit like a bump on a log, passing time, thinking she will lower her her bar and accept you as you are.

I bet you will ignore this as you have ignored any and all advice that has been handed you way thus far.
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: i want my wife back. - 10/15/12 02:20 AM
Originally Posted By: Letty
Originally Posted By: HDW
Dr Harley addressed a spouse on today's radio show that had personal texts with women.
He encouraged the spouse to have NO personal conversations with the opposite sex

can someone link this show, please?

Sorry late to the party. Here you go Letty.
Radio clip
Segment #2
Segment #3
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 10/28/12 09:41 PM
I miss my wife more then anything. I am so tired of crying all the time. All I keep thinking about is all the things we have done together and i can't imagine my life without my chalupee. I remember when we first dated I would drive the way I thought she came home from work just to catch a glimps of my stunning girl friend. Then the times of driving her to her collage classes. Then when are kids were born how amazing she looked holding our new babies. Then our trips to Cancun.
I am crushed and I can't live without my only Love that I have ever had. I can't imagine loving another and I don't want to. I want to hold my wife so bad. I would do anything to be able to hold her again.

BABE "I LOVE YOU" remember CHALUPEE 2001-FOREVER.
I need to keep working on that dash! please give me that chance

I will take the lie detector test ASAP please

KISS
Posted By: Logans_Run Re: i want my wife back. - 10/28/12 09:45 PM
Words.

Only words.

No action.

No action whatsoever.

Stop trying to send her a message here.

Why not try and rereading your thread. Much advice has been given already.

Oh, and stop reading her thread.
Posted By: HerPapaBear Re: i want my wife back. - 10/29/12 02:08 AM
Originally Posted By: kiss
I miss my wife more then anything. I am so tired of crying all the time. All I keep thinking about is all the things we have done together and i can't imagine my life without my chalupee. I remember when we first dated I would drive the way I thought she came home from work just to catch a glimps of my stunning girl friend. Then the times of driving her to her collage classes. Then when are kids were born how amazing she looked holding our new babies. Then our trips to Cancun.
I am crushed and I can't live without my only Love that I have ever had. I can't imagine loving another and I don't want to. I want to hold my wife so bad. I would do anything to be able to hold her again.

BABE "I LOVE YOU" remember CHALUPEE 2001-FOREVER.
I need to keep working on that dash! please give me that chance

I will take the lie detector test ASAP please

KISS



Have you gone back and started looking over all the posts you've ignored?

Have you considered responding to all those posts?

It's been a long journey of ignoring those trying to help you. What's different now?
Posted By: black_raven Re: i want my wife back. - 10/29/12 03:30 AM
Originally Posted By: Logans_Run
Stop trying to send her a message here.


Nice emotional blackmail. If you are serious about R, you would not pull stunts like this.

Answer the questions posters have been asking you. If you can't fix yourself, your BW is better off without you.
Posted By: HoldHerHand Re: i want my wife back. - 10/29/12 09:06 AM
Originally Posted By: kiss
I would do anything to be able to hold her again.



PROVE IT.
Posted By: markos Re: i want my wife back. - 10/29/12 02:52 PM
Originally Posted By: HerPapaBear
Originally Posted By: kiss
I miss my wife more then anything. I am so tired of crying all the time. All I keep thinking about is all the things we have done together and i can't imagine my life without my chalupee. I remember when we first dated I would drive the way I thought she came home from work just to catch a glimps of my stunning girl friend. Then the times of driving her to her collage classes. Then when are kids were born how amazing she looked holding our new babies. Then our trips to Cancun.
I am crushed and I can't live without my only Love that I have ever had. I can't imagine loving another and I don't want to. I want to hold my wife so bad. I would do anything to be able to hold her again.

BABE "I LOVE YOU" remember CHALUPEE 2001-FOREVER.
I need to keep working on that dash! please give me that chance

I will take the lie detector test ASAP please

KISS



Have you gone back and started looking over all the posts you've ignored?

Have you considered responding to all those posts?

It's been a long journey of ignoring those trying to help you. What's different now?


Ditto.
Posted By: Neak Re: i want my wife back. - 10/29/12 10:36 PM
Quote:
I can't live without my only Love


At this point, you have to. You have driven her away. Is this statement a hint of suicidal thoughts?

You are very broken, and need much fixing yourself before you can even THINK of trying to recover your marriage. If you're willing to do that, I know of a thread that has LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS of great advice on it. I'ts called "i want my wife back" and if you just start on page one, you'll find everything you need to know.
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 10/30/12 12:21 AM
I am continuing to go back through my thread tonight. I am starting at page 8. If their is anything I miss or if thier are any more questions please feel free to call me out please I am despirate. If im allowed I will post my phone # because I am much more confortable with that.

Very despirate,
KISS
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 10/30/12 12:35 AM
My wife went and got an order of protection against me by lieing about me threating her. I would never hurt or threaten my wife in anyway. I know that she did this to get me out of the house SO SHE CAN GO INTO "PLAN B". If we sat down and talked and she said this is what she really needed I would have given her the space. She did tell me that she might go to her parents for a couple of days. Then one night she never came home. No call no text nothing. Then she locks me out. I want her to end the order of protection so I can call my kids and drop them off after I see them. I will give her time if thats what she needs I just ask for a 15 minute conversation. Then she can call me or text me when she has questions or wants to talk to me. I know I hurt her I want to make it right but getting an order of protection and keeping the kids hostage is not the way to do it. Not hearing her voice or not seeing her smile kills me.

I have no idea what im walking into when we go to court on Wednesday. I fell like im going to be crushed by the woman I love. I guess its brutal pay back.

I will do what ever it takes to save my marriage. We have discussed me leaving my job. If she sent a message through or intermediary I will walk in and quite tomorrow. What ever it takes!!!

Please give me dirextion
KISS
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 10/30/12 12:47 AM
HERPAPABEAR,

I understand now that it is good for my Rocketqueen to read my thread and see what I am doing and what advise I am getting. So she can see that I am following through and continuing to grow and become the husband that she deserves and needs. I am willing to be totally transparent and I need her to see that. I think a lot of my early posts were more trying to protect my self from looking bad and not admitting to what I did. I have severly hurt Rocketqueen I know now and it is so painful to read some of her posts and see what she went through. I was a real A** hole. I never thought I could be that way.

I am sorry to her family for all the crap I put everyone through. The pain is unbearable. I will make this right. I don't care if I lose everything I have. As long as I'm left with my wife and kids I will consider that the biggest win of my life.

So depressed, (i never have been before and its brutal)
KISS
Posted By: SugarCane Re: i want my wife back. - 10/30/12 12:58 AM
Originally Posted By: kiss
My wife went and got an order of protection against me by lieing about me threating her.

You need to take that back pronto, because now you are really going to piss people off. I don't believe that Rq lied to the legal authorities about you, and if she finds out you are spreading this malicious falsehood about her, that could be the end of your marriage.

Were you drinking the night she went to the authorities? Do you actually know what you said or did? Have you been drinking since?
Posted By: markos Re: i want my wife back. - 10/30/12 01:11 AM
Originally Posted By: kiss
I am continuing to go back through my thread tonight. I am starting at page 8. If their is anything I miss or if thier are any more questions please feel free to call me out please I am despirate. If im allowed I will post my phone # because I am much more confortable with that.

Very despirate,
KISS


What, call you up and read this site to you?
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 10/30/12 01:11 AM
Originally Posted By: HerPapaBear
Originally Posted By: kiss
My wife isn't happy with me right now.


Even if you do everything right...... And that's a big if!

Your wife is going to be on a roller coaster ride.

It takes a great deal of work on your part, combined with patience and spending time together meeting each others EN's.

Distance is never the answer! Distance, space, whatever you want to call it, is a cop out and no more than an escape plan on your part. So eliminate that as a tool in your marital recovery, OK!

HerPapaBear,

Rocketqueen said that I have done a good job of meeting her emotional needs. She said that her biggest issue was getting ob=ver the affair. I never told her about the beginning until two weeks ago. I thought that it was better to not tell her about it because it would hurt her to much. I have hated my self for not being honest. At first she seemed shaken by it. She told me that if I pass a polygraph test she would give me a commitment. Then a couple of days later I get the police giving me an order of protection for something I did not due. I wish I was transparent and came out in the beginning because I have damaged the rebuilding that we have gone through for the last 8 months.

And yes distance is never the answer. It is so tough now. I need to be with her so we can rebuild.

DUMBA**,
KISS

Posted By: markos Re: i want my wife back. - 10/30/12 01:12 AM
Originally Posted By: kiss
So depressed, (i never have been before and its brutal)
KISS


Okay, how many days have you been depressed now? Three? Seven?

kiss, your wife has been depressed for YEARS due to your actions (and inactions). Yes, depression is brutal! And it is rougher on women than on men!
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 10/30/12 01:13 AM
Originally Posted By: Lovinmykiddos
You need to go to her and let her know you will do whatever it takes for as long as it takes to help heal her.

Let her tell you what she needs ... write down all her words ... then begin action immediately.

When and only when you are willing to do whatever it takes for as long as it takes to clean up the self inflicted cesspool you created can your marriage recover.

Get to work ... start making her list ASAP.
Posted By: indiegirl Re: i want my wife back. - 10/30/12 01:15 AM
Originally Posted By: kiss
My wife went and got an order of protection against me by lieing about me threating her. I would never hurt or threaten my wife in anyway. I know that she did this to get me out of the house SO SHE CAN GO INTO "PLAN B". If we sat down and talked and she said this is what she really needed I would have given her the space. She did tell me that she might go to her parents for a couple of days. Then one night she never came home. No call no text nothing. Then she locks me out. I want her to end the order of protection so I can call my kids and drop them off after I see them. I will give her time if thats what she needs I just ask for a 15 minute conversation. Then she can call me or text me when she has questions or wants to talk to me. I know I hurt her I want to make it right but getting an order of protection and keeping the kids hostage is not the way to do it. Not hearing her voice or not seeing her smile kills me.

I have no idea what im walking into when we go to court on Wednesday. I fell like im going to be crushed by the woman I love. I guess its brutal pay back.

I will do what ever it takes to save my marriage. We have discussed me leaving my job. If she sent a message through or intermediary I will walk in and quite tomorrow. What ever it takes!!!

Please give me dirextion
KISS


Kiss, she doesn't want any 15 minute conversations with you.

That's just more words, and she's had enough words from you.

She wants you to pull on your big boy pants and change your lifestyle - on your own.

And it is fair to say that she needs this protection order from you. In the past you have NOT respected her wishes for no contact and you have harrassed her at her home,

I find it bewildering that you don't realised you have harrassed and bullied your own wife just so you don't have to make any actual changes.

Get on with the job in front of you on your own. Stop hassling your wife to hold your hand. She is broken and tired.

Originally Posted By: kiss
I understand now that it is good for my Rocketqueen to read my thread and see what I am doing and what advise I am getting. So she can see that I am following through and continuing to grow and become the husband that she deserves and needs.


She is unlikely to read your thread now. Its just more words to her and she's had enough of those. Use the thread to get information on what ACTIONS to take. Actions are what RQ needs to see.

Good luck to you.
Posted By: SugarCane Re: i want my wife back. - 10/30/12 01:18 AM
Originally Posted By: kiss
My wife went and got an order of protection against me by lieing about me threating her. I would never hurt or threaten my wife in anyway. I know that she did this to get me out of the house SO SHE CAN GO INTO "PLAN B". If we sat down and talked and she said this is what she really needed I would have given her the space. She did tell me that she might go to her parents for a couple of days. Then one night she never came home. No call no text nothing. Then she locks me out. I want her to end the order of protection so I can call my kids and drop them off after I see them. I will give her time if thats what she needs I just ask for a 15 minute conversation. Then she can call me or text me when she has questions or wants to talk to me. I know I hurt her I want to make it right but getting an order of protection and keeping the kids hostage is not the way to do it. Not hearing her voice or not seeing her smile kills me.

Just like that. She went from normality and saying she might stay with her parents for a couple of days, to slamming a protection order on you. I don't believe that.

What did you do to make her want you to leave? Were you still lying about your relationships with other women?

An order of protection is from her against you. It does not involve "keeping the kids hostage". You are surely allowed to see your kids. Don't try to tug on people's heartstrings by distorting the truth because it will not work. You only prove yourself to be an utterly dislikable character whom Rq was correct to get away from.

Your posting style flips from manically ranting about her to pathetically promising the earth - when you failed to deliver her basic requests when you had the chance. You need to grow up and be a man and take responsibility.
Posted By: indiegirl Re: i want my wife back. - 10/30/12 01:18 AM
Originally Posted By: markos
Originally Posted By: kiss
I am continuing to go back through my thread tonight. I am starting at page 8. If their is anything I miss or if thier are any more questions please feel free to call me out please I am despirate. If im allowed I will post my phone # because I am much more confortable with that.

Very despirate,
KISS


What, call you up and read this site to you?


Kiss, get real. You need to learn the principles on your own. Listen to the radio show every day and read the material.

You are going to have to learn to be resourceful. You have a good job, you are a dad. It can't be the first time you've had to learn something new, fast.
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 10/30/12 01:20 AM
Sorry trying to attach messages and I am a computer dummy.

Lovemykiddos,

I am waiting on a list from her. I reached out to our intermediary and haven't got a response. She wants me to go back to her plan "b" letter witch I do not have. Its in the house. I have asked for a full list of her requirements. Not hearing anything for days is tough. I don't even know if she is getting all of my emails. I asked about seeing the kids and having the kids call me and I get no response.

KISS
Posted By: markos Re: i want my wife back. - 10/30/12 01:21 AM
Originally Posted By: indiegirl
Originally Posted By: markos
Originally Posted By: kiss
I am continuing to go back through my thread tonight. I am starting at page 8. If their is anything I miss or if thier are any more questions please feel free to call me out please I am despirate. If im allowed I will post my phone # because I am much more confortable with that.

Very despirate,
KISS


What, call you up and read this site to you?


Kiss, get real. You need to learn the principles on your own. Listen to the radio show every day and read the material.

You are going to have to learn to be resourceful. You have a good job, you are a dad. It can't be the first time you've had to learn something new, fast.


Ditto.
Posted By: markos Re: i want my wife back. - 10/30/12 01:23 AM
Originally Posted By: kiss
Sorry trying to attach messages and I am a computer dummy.

Lovemykiddos,

I am waiting on a list from her.


Stop waiting on a list, for crying out loud. Why should she have to tell you over and over again?

I'm going to repeat what indiegirl said: "Kiss, get real. You need to learn the principles on your own. Listen to the radio show every day and read the material. "

Quote:
I have asked for a full list of her requirements.


In other words, you've been here almost a year and still don't have CLUE NUMBER ONE about what a man needs to do to save his marriage. Your time here has been a complete waste because you haven't taken the initiative to LEARN.

We can't fix that for you. We can't fix it with more posts or a phone call. Your wife can't fix it for you with a list of requirements.

Only you can fix it.

"Kiss, get real. You need to learn the principles on your own. Listen to the radio show every day and read the material. "
Posted By: karmasrose Re: i want my wife back. - 10/30/12 01:23 AM
Look up Plan B letters on this site, and read THOSE. Do not contact her until you have read one.

I imagine, though, that owing to whatever it is you did, she will have even more conditions for you than those with the normal Plan B letter.
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 10/30/12 01:28 AM
INDIEGIRL,

What actions. If I can't see talk to or hold her? The seperation kills me. What if she talks to someone else? She continues to hang out with her exhusband. Witch kills me. He has asked for her back recently . Witch infuriates me. What can I do? Is it right for her to have as much contact with him? Dr. Harley has said that EP is needed on both sides of the marriage. Please give more guidance.

THANKS
KISS
Posted By: indiegirl Re: i want my wife back. - 10/30/12 01:32 AM
Originally Posted By: kiss
Sorry trying to attach messages and I am a computer dummy.

Lovemykiddos,

I am waiting on a list from her. I reached out to our intermediary and haven't got a response. She wants me to go back to her plan "b" letter witch I do not have. Its in the house. I have asked for a full list of her requirements. Not hearing anything for days is tough. I don't even know if she is getting all of my emails. I asked about seeing the kids and having the kids call me and I get no response.

KISS


Yes it is tough and it all could have been avoided by doing recovery properly and not lying and hiding things from your wife.

This is a very sorry situation. Are you finally ready to do things the right way?

Originally Posted By: kiss
She wants me to go back to her plan "b" letter witch I do not have. Its in the house. I have asked for a full list of her requirements.


Even if you don't have her letter, lots of us here are familiar with Plan B so we can guide you.

Plan B leaves the door open to a wayward spouse if they create a proper plan for recovery. So your job is to create a proper plan for recovery.

RQ very probably needs a total break and rest from even thinking about you after discovering this latest deception. After months of a false, half baked recovery. Keep in mind that she may have just had enough no matter what changes you make. If you get another chance you will be very fortunate. It depends what her lovebank level is like for you.

It is in your interests to give her that break and allow her lovebank to recover.

One of the key things about Plan B is it stops her losing love for you. It protects her lovebank until you can offer her a recovery plan.

So no more appeals to get her back on this thread, no more emails/texts/attempts to break contact. That will just anger and tire her and damage her lovebank.

Let her heal in peace and let us help you work out a plan for recovery while she does.

It will take TIME. So I suggest you discover where you keep your stock of patience.
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 10/30/12 01:38 AM
Sugercane,

I put in one of my posts within the last hour that I told her about things early in my affair. She was shaken up and told me that if I passed a poly graph that she would give me a commitment. Then yes a coule of days later she had me served.

I didn't have any other relations with other girls. I had an affair with one person.

It does involve the kids when I can't call them. I have to send a message through a nother person and hope thay relay that message and she then lets the kids call me. That is controlling the kids and having that power. I am isolated from my kids.

KISS
Posted By: indiegirl Re: i want my wife back. - 10/30/12 01:40 AM
Originally Posted By: kiss
What actions. If I can't see talk to or hold her? The seperation kills me.


You will need to use logic, not emotions to get out of this.

PLEASE please please stop talking about how hard this is for you. You have had months of warning that you were screwing up!

The actions required involve a plan for recovery.

Not holding her. A monkey could do that. A PLAN for RECOVERY.

I suggest you look up the plan for recovery from an affair as outlined by Dr Harley.

And all the advice for recovery posted on this thread.
Posted By: black_raven Re: i want my wife back. - 10/30/12 01:42 AM
Originally Posted By: SugarCane
Originally Posted By: kiss
My wife went and got an order of protection against me by lieing about me threating her.

You need to take that back pronto, because now you are really going to piss people off. I don't believe that Rq lied to the legal authorities about you, and if she finds out you are spreading this malicious falsehood about her, that could be the end of your marriage.

Were you drinking the night she went to the authorities? Do you actually know what you said or did? Have you been drinking since?


Are you going to answer any of these questions? I do not believe for one minute that RQ made up lies to get an Order of Protection, against you. What did you do or say to bring this about?
Posted By: karmasrose Re: i want my wife back. - 10/30/12 01:44 AM
I also doubt she is "hanging out" with an ex..
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 10/30/12 01:44 AM
Indiegirl,

What about her contact and hanging out with her exhusband? How do you feel about that? She talked to him during our recovery. I read text messages of him telling her How beautiful she is and she always has been. Also her text him about going out together on a saturday afternoon with a group of people. Then them discussing each others relationship problems after I told her months prior what a big issue it was for me.

KISS
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 10/30/12 01:45 AM
Karmarose,

What do you think she is doing? do you think their is something to it? Please clarify.

KISS
Posted By: indiegirl Re: i want my wife back. - 10/30/12 01:46 AM
Originally Posted By: kiss
It does involve the kids when I can't call them. I have to send a message through a nother person and hope thay relay that message and she then lets the kids call me. That is controlling the kids and having that power. I am isolated from my kids.

KISS


Because you destroyed the relationship with their mother. So you can't call her up whenever you like any more. You can see your kids by following a visitation schedule, but you've lost RQ as a co-parent because she is heartbroken and needs a BREAK. That isn't her controlling you that's just a fact. She needs a break from the heartache.

Did you expect her to be your friend for life no matter how she was treated? If you don't like this state of affairs, you need to get a plan together.
Posted By: SugarCane Re: i want my wife back. - 10/30/12 01:47 AM
Originally Posted By: kiss

I didn't have any other relations with other girls. I had an affair with one person.

It does involve the kids when I can't call them. I have to send a message through a nother person and hope thay relay that message and she then lets the kids call me. That is controlling the kids and having that power. I am isolated from my kids.

KISS

I apologise for my mistake about the number of affairs.

What did you tell her about "things early in" your affair?

You had the power to be living with your kids all along. You threw this away. Rq gave you many chances to work properly on recovery and you squandered them, and now she doesn't want to see you. That means you do see and speak to your kids, but not in your wife's presence. That is not her manipulating them.

You had chances to stop this happening and you squandered them and hurt your wife.
Posted By: indiegirl Re: i want my wife back. - 10/30/12 01:51 AM
Originally Posted By: kiss

What about her contact and hanging out with her exhusband? How do you feel about that?


Well I feel two things.

1) Completely stunned you haven't mentioned this before now. Why is that?
2) Bemused you think it has anything to do with YOUR job to offer her a good marriage and make up for your affair. You need to clean up your side of the street first.
Posted By: karmasrose Re: i want my wife back. - 10/30/12 01:53 AM
I was shooting for what indiegirl just said, should have clarified.

Why did you not mention this until now?
Posted By: black_raven Re: i want my wife back. - 10/30/12 01:54 AM
Originally Posted By: kiss
Indiegirl,

What about her contact and hanging out with her exhusband? How do you feel about that? She talked to him during our recovery. I read text messages of him telling her How beautiful she is and she always has been. Also her text him about going out together on a saturday afternoon with a group of people. Then them discussing each others relationship problems after I told her months prior what a big issue it was for me.

KISS


kiss...pay attention!!!



twoxfour


Stop worrying about RQ. You can't get your own [censored] together so stop trying to deflect the focus from you onto what RQ may or may not being doing. Since you ignored my previous posts you will probably ignore this one too.

I'm divorced. My ex pulled the same crap you are now. Is that where you want to end up? Pay attention to what YOU need to do. Good grief.
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 10/30/12 01:58 AM
I went out with a couple of my friends one night. We went out to watch the Yankee game. The only reason I went was because the night before Rocketqueen didn't come home and I got a text from her that day saying that she would pick up the kids after school friday and bring them to me on Sunday. So I took it as she was going to stay at her parents as she talked about staying a part a coupke days earlier. So when I came home she was their and locked me out. She called the cops. I went and ran(stupid). The cops left. So I went back she called the cops again they came back and I approached them. They said that Rocketqueen called them because I was drunk and threating her. They checked me out and said I was fine that I wasn't drunk and I wasn't. So they made her let me in as its my residence so she cant lock me out of my house. Its the law. So since that didn't work she went and talked to ***** and he advised her to go file for an order of protection. She told the judge in her statement that I was drunk and threating her and she was scared for her and the kids safety. I have never in 14 years ever threatened or touched my wife. I would never do that. She knows that. So on wednesday at 2 we go to court. I can't email, text, send a message or call my wife. I can't go near her work or the house so I can't contact my kids. If I try to call any of them I get arrested. So anyone out their that wants to go into a plan "b" just go to your county court house and lie and you will have your plan "b"

KISS
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 10/30/12 02:03 AM
SugerCane,

I told her that I did make out with and kiss the girl I had an affair with prior to me moving out. I did not have sex with her. But she doesn't believe me why would she!! She has asked me to take a lie detector test so I can prove to her and give her closer. witch I want to do ASAP.

KISS
Posted By: indiegirl Re: i want my wife back. - 10/30/12 02:03 AM
Originally Posted By: kiss
I went out with a couple of my friends one night. We went out to watch the Yankee game. The only reason I went was because the night before Rocketqueen didn't come home and I got a text from her that day saying that she would pick up the kids after school friday and bring them to me on Sunday. So I took it as she was going to stay at her parents as she talked about staying a part a coupke days earlier. So when I came home she was their and locked me out. She called the cops. I went and ran(stupid). The cops left. So I went back she called the cops again they came back and I approached them. They said that Rocketqueen called them because I was drunk and threating her. They checked me out and said I was fine that I wasn't drunk and I wasn't. So they made her let me in as its my residence so she cant lock me out of my house. Its the law. So since that didn't work she went and talked to ***** and he advised her to go file for an order of protection. She told the judge in her statement that I was drunk and threating her and she was scared for her and the kids safety. I have never in 14 years ever threatened or touched my wife. I would never do that. She knows that. So on wednesday at 2 we go to court. I can't email, text, send a message or call my wife. I can't go near her work or the house so I can't contact my kids. If I try to call any of them I get arrested. So anyone out their that wants to go into a plan "b" just go to your county court house and lie and you will have your plan "b"

KISS


I'm out.

If she said she wanted you to go, you should have respected her wishes instead of a) forcing her to call the cops and b) calling her a liar.

You are an adulterer who has lied right through recovery and you still have social and text interations with women that spear your wife through her soul.

Are you sorry? Working to make it right? Nope. Just blameshifting.

How's that working out for you?

Good luck figuring this out on your own Kiss.
Posted By: indiegirl Re: i want my wife back. - 10/30/12 02:05 AM
Originally Posted By: kiss
So anyone out their that wants to go into a plan "b" just go to your county court house and lie and you will have your plan "b"

KISS


She should never have needed to go to court. You should have gone voluntarily. It is a disgraceful state of affairs that you won't respect her wishes and leave her alone.
Posted By: black_raven Re: i want my wife back. - 10/30/12 02:09 AM
A min ago, you said if she needed space you'd give it to her. Then you insist on staying in the house (assuming what you said is even true) when she clearly did not want you there. Why would you run? If you weren't drunk, why didn't you go elsewhere for the night? This does not add up.

What did the cops do to ck you out?
Posted By: Logans_Run Re: i want my wife back. - 10/30/12 02:10 AM
That sounds like bullying and intimidation Kiss.

From your account, she did not want you there. But yet you used the law to force her to let you in.

Explain to me how that is showing you love her, that your protecting her, and are willing to do whatever it takes to save your marriage by this bullying and intimidation.

Oh but wait, we are supposed to hold your hand, walk you thru the MB program for the umptenth time because "you just dont get it", and make it easy for you because you are so sad and desperate because RQ will not talk to you. Please, you are continuing to waste everyone's time.

Your side of the street is a train wreck and all you do is complain and point fingers.
Posted By: black_raven Re: i want my wife back. - 10/30/12 02:26 AM
Originally Posted By: kiss
She told the judge in her statement that I was drunk and threating her and she was scared for her and the kids safety. I have never in 14 years ever threatened or touched my wife. I would never do that. She knows that.


And once upon a time she never thought you'd cheat on her either. Your claim of "I would never do that" has zero weight. THAT she knows. No WS would ever do this or that...until he/she does it. MrRollieEyes
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 10/30/12 03:17 AM
INDIEGIRL,

I didn't go because she talked about going to her moms for a couple of days. Then she didn't mention it anymore. She seemed fine and I thought we would work through it. Thats been the hardest thing through our recovery she would not give me a lot of feed back. I would only find out about stuff when she posted. She said many of times that something bothered her or she had an issue with something long after the time of something happening.

The part of lying I thought that if you don't tell the truth thats lying. Maybe im wrong.

I am not blame shifting. I take full responseability for my actions and all the damage I have done. I am extremely sorry for what I have done and it crushes me everyday. Everyday I can't kiss or hold my wife. Conversate with my wife, text or call my wife. get my kids up for school or play video games or watch movies or tuck them in at night. Get them their water and milk and chocolate milk for bed. Does it seem like its working out well for me?


If she treated me the way I treated her I would feel the same way she does but I still don't think I could ever let her go.

KISS
KISS
Posted By: karmasrose Re: i want my wife back. - 10/30/12 04:05 AM
You pushed her away. You MADE her go. You ran all over her and if she is done, you need to let her go.

Do what is required of you in the Plan B letter -- make the changes, no more friendly texts with women, etc, etc -- you know, the obvious shiznola that you keep being TOLD to do!

She wouldn't give you feedback? Have you considered that she just quit giving it to you because you WERE NOT LISTENING?
Posted By: markos Re: i want my wife back. - 10/30/12 03:11 PM
Originally Posted By: kiss
INDIEGIRL,

I didn't go because she talked about going to her moms for a couple of days. Then she didn't mention it anymore. She seemed fine and I thought we would work through it. Thats been the hardest thing through our recovery she would not give me a lot of feed back. I would only find out about stuff when she posted. She said many of times that something bothered her or she had an issue with something long after the time of something happening.

The part of lying I thought that if you don't tell the truth thats lying. Maybe im wrong.

I am not blame shifting. I take full responseability for my actions and all the damage I have done. I am extremely sorry for what I have done and it crushes me everyday. Everyday I can't kiss or hold my wife. Conversate with my wife, text or call my wife. get my kids up for school or play video games or watch movies or tuck them in at night. Get them their water and milk and chocolate milk for bed. Does it seem like its working out well for me?


If she treated me the way I treated her I would feel the same way she does but I still don't think I could ever let her go.

KISS
KISS


None of this contributes towards you making a plan to fix this situation.

I repeat what indiegirl said: "Kiss, get real. You need to learn the principles on your own. Listen to the radio show every day and read the material."

You haven't been willing to learn and follow good marriage principles. Your wife is right to want you out. You were beyond wrong to try to force your way back in on your terms.

If you really want her, start following indie's advice. Get real. Learn and practice these principles. According to the principles, your wife is right to want you out until you are ready to build a life that doesn't make her suffer and feel depressed all the time.

I have no sympathy for your sadness and depression, because you have none for your wife's, which has gone on for far longer and deeper than yours, which has apparently only been around for a couple of days.
Posted By: HerPapaBear Re: i want my wife back. - 10/30/12 04:13 PM
Kiss,

What's the deal?

When is your appointment for the POLY?
Posted By: HerPapaBear Re: i want my wife back. - 10/30/12 05:00 PM
I'm very concerned for your wife.

What are you doing to protect her financially?

Are you allowing her full access to bank accounts?

Are you setting up your checks to be deposited directly into your marital bank accounts so she can pay bills and provide for the children's needs?

OR??

Are you playing the wayward money game?

Withholding funds, withdrawing monies, closing accounts, etc.


Which is it??

I typically see the latter one being employed by the wayward spouse in your situation. Please tell me I'm wrong and that you are demonstrating your love, care and concern by not playing the wicked financial games.
Posted By: Neak Re: i want my wife back. - 10/30/12 05:03 PM
Whether or not you EVER get back with your BW, you need fixing from the foundation up. That is something you can work on ~ on your own ~ without any input from her. It's something you need to work on.

What is your plan to fix YOU?

This site has many resources, and plenty of them are auditory. Have you been listening to the radio show? Great advice for free all week long. Hopefully you'll keep posting, also. You've been so resistant to even the most basic changes, but I think if you stick around as long as it takes, that you'll begin to understand what needs to change and why.

One reason it's so important to learn from other people's stories is that it's much easier to see what OTHER people need to fix than ourselves. But when we see what those other people need to fix, and then realize the similarity to ourselves, then we can better see what we need to change, as well.

Leave RQ alone. Fix your own mess. Clean up what you can control, which is YOU. That's what your plan needs to center around. And believe me, you do need a plan. It's here if you want it.
Posted By: SusieQ Re: i want my wife back. - 10/30/12 06:05 PM
kiss, you realize, do you not, that there are MANY posters who arrived here at this site with a wayward spouse who was in an ACTIVE affair??

and despite going through that immense pain of betrayal, despite not getting any ENs met, despite some of them being kicked out of their houses are able to pull themselves together, read and implement the plans here at the site?

Whining is not going to do anything for you other than annoy people so CUT IT OUT.

You are getting SO MUCH more help than I did when I got here. Click on my user name and click on "posts". Then click on "topics created" and go back to the first one.

At that time, I had never been more angry or hurt in my life...and I wasn't even entirely sure if I wanted to save my M....yet I read the site & every single response I got at least 5 times. I would have been thrilled to be getting the support you are.

But no...not you. More squandering of the opportunity you have to make use of the resources and help available at this site.
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 10/30/12 08:50 PM
Herpapabear,

I told her sister inlaw and our intermedary on Saturday that I would do it ASAP. I also told rocketqueen two weeks ago I would do it. I haven't heard anything back.

anxiously awaiting,
KISS
Posted By: karmasrose Re: i want my wife back. - 10/30/12 08:51 PM
She may be waiting for you to go ahead and DO IT. Remember, you have promised to do things before and then not done them.
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 10/30/12 09:01 PM
Herpapabear,

I have $1200 a month into our joint account a month. I have the balance put into my own account.

KISS
Posted By: Neak Re: i want my wife back. - 10/30/12 09:15 PM
Quote:
anxiously waiting


This is part of your problem. Instead of waiting for a fortuitous alignment of ANYTHING, you need to be actively taking action to change your habits and thought patterns.

Why wait for something that may never come? Get busy!
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 10/31/12 01:15 AM
Sitting in my car at a stewerts gas station thinking about tomorrow and nervous for my buddy John as him and his wife follow his father to the hospital as they believe he had a stroke. I guess me not having any place to go isn't that
Important. my prayers are with my buddy.

Kiss
Posted By: karmasrose Re: i want my wife back. - 10/31/12 01:19 AM
You are having a pity party and that will not help you get ANYWHERE!

Get off your butt and do what is required of you! There has been plenty of advice given to you and you are only going "woe is me" and thinking how unlucky you are and you only seem interested in getting your wife's pity.

You DO know she isn't reading your thread, don't you?
Posted By: HerPapaBear Re: i want my wife back. - 10/31/12 01:44 AM
Originally Posted By: kiss
Herpapabear,

I have $1200 a month into our joint account a month. I have the balance put into my own account.

KISS


sigh I was hoping you would want them above poverty level.... sigh
Posted By: Darkguy Re: i want my wife back. - 10/31/12 02:15 AM
I read your thread and its sad your using emotional blackmail to have your cake and eat it too. Step back and look in the mirror and ask yourself what did you do to get yourself in this situation. Then do the opposite, follow the advice, better yourself and your wife will see the change.
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 10/31/12 02:42 AM
I will put everything into our joint account. but I would have no idea what's left or what she plans on taking out. I don't care about the money. I want to do what is right.

Kiss
Posted By: Letty Re: i want my wife back. - 10/31/12 02:55 AM
Originally Posted By: Letty
kiss, i count 411 posts on your thread. over 400! and you feel like you're not getting fb? really?

i don't think i've ever seen a post from you where you've said, "here is what we're doing for UA time this week." or "here's how i met RQs ENs this week."

it's like your thread is a .gif, forever on loop. "here i am, needing help. help please." several posts of help. crickets from you. then, "here i am, needing help. help please." and so on, and so on. if we feel this frustrated with you, i can only imagine how royally pissed off RQ must feel! do you realise how lucky you are she hasn't just walked out the door and called it quits?

she must really love you to keep trying and keep trying. but that doesn't mean you can keep taking her love for granted, because it WILL run out.

one of these days, your post is going to be, "help! RQ has left me and i don't know what to do!"

kiss, if anything, i just feel sad for you. you seem to live to work, and man, your life is so much *more* than work! as a supervisor, there has to be *some* way to deal with your workload and job-related stress.

but you see, no one is going to come take your hand and walk you through it. you need to deal, man! you need to get your priorities straight and take the action (many actions) that need to occur if you want to stay in your M.

it's simple, really. if you don't pull finger, your M isn't going to be there anymore. RQ certainly has a boatload of patience that i don't possess. but eventually, that patience will have run dry, her lovebank will be so far in the red that you will *never* be able to fill it up again, and she's going to walk away from you with a light heart, because the end of her M will only be a relief to her.

i'm sorry to be so harsh on you, but kiss, i just want to scream "wake the eff up!" it' not rocket science! you know her needs, you know how to fill them, you have this magnificent resource available to you, you have an *amazing* offer from HHH, and you just...aren't. banghead


over a month ago, and nothing's changed, except that i had no idea RQ was so close to her boiling point. and don't even give us that [censored] about giving the kids hot chocolate, putting them to bed, etc. by your own admission, you work so much you were an absent father anyhow. you're just being your usual self: manipulative.

there's an expression that fits you perfectly: too little, too late.
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 10/31/12 03:00 AM
Herpapabear,
What should I do about a place to stay? I don't want to move into an apartment and sign a lease. or move some where and go out and buy furniture and my wife want my sorry A** Back then have an extra bed, couch and so on. Not knowing what her plans are kills me. Friends tell me to move on. They don't understand. My buddy that I'm staying with said I could stay until I to to court tomorrow. What did you do?

Thanks,
KISS
Posted By: karmasrose Re: i want my wife back. - 10/31/12 03:43 AM
Your posts are still about you.

Do you get it now?

Think about her. REALLY think about her. Don't ask what you are going to do, don't ask where you're going to go. Improve, stop sending texts to women -- you know, the obvious stuff we've been telling you for ages!
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 10/31/12 03:50 AM
Karmasrose,

I can't just take on my own. she is to provide the questions. she has someone that she has talked to. this is something I can't just go do.

kiss
Posted By: karmasrose Re: i want my wife back. - 10/31/12 03:52 AM
Sure you can take the poly yourself. The obvious questions involve other women, etc. Take it.

Do what I said -- improve your attitude, stop texting other women, and so on -- and your wife MAY just decide that she wants you back.

Your flailing around and making excuses ("I can't! I CAN'T! Now how do I get her back?!") and refusing to do anything is causing you more harm than anything right now.
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 10/31/12 03:56 AM
Karmasrose,

I do think of her constantly. Everything I do effects het. I don't want ti spend money that we need for our family. We have been talking about moving to Florida. my parents have been looking for months on their days off during the days because they work nights. I don't want to use any of our down payment money if we still have a chance. If its short term I can sleep in my car I don't care I want what is best for us. I think a fresh start or a new beginnings would be a big benefit.

KISS
Posted By: karmasrose Re: i want my wife back. - 10/31/12 04:00 AM
There can be no "fresh start." You cannot just wipe this clean. I know that you know that so I will operate on that premise.

If you want what is best for the two of you, stop this pity stuff -- you are gainfully employed and should be able to at least find an apartment or a hotel until you can GET one. If you can comfortably leave $1200 a month in your wife's account (or joint or whatever) you can get someplace.

Cut out this woe is me stuff, if your wife were talking to you it would be very unattractive to her.
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 10/31/12 04:36 AM
Karmasrose,

I do agree it wouldn't be a fresh start or a redo. I do believe it would help the healing process to not have the constant reminders or those triggers that keep bringing up those flash backs.

KISS
Posted By: Scotland Re: i want my wife back. - 10/31/12 11:47 AM
Your attitude is what needs to change, not just your location. And from what I remember, RQ wasn't exactly enthusiastic about this move, as you would be removing her from her support system, and this wasn't POJA'd.

I would look at this as long term.

Your friends are telling you to "move on" because they don't get it. What they are saying is go out and have a GF. Well bucko, you are STILL MARRIEd. And having a GF while you are married is ADULTERY. Your friends aren't helping you become a better person, they are helping you destroy yourself. Being wayward takes it's toll on you.

I am sad that your marriage may be over, but it's purely because WE posters have put more effort into saving your marriage than you have. You are no where near safe enough for RQ to consider recovery with you. Get your head outta your butt already and learn what life would really be like if you were without your family. You may have pushed her too far over the edge to ever get her back. That LB balance may be in the red.

Stop this wow is me garbage and grow up. You're a father, and a husband, start acting like one. Find yourself some place safe where you will be able to have your children visit and get your act together. It's beyond time that you started doing some real work.
Posted By: HerPapaBear Re: i want my wife back. - 10/31/12 12:44 PM
Originally Posted By: kiss
Herpapabear,
What should I do about a place to stay? ....... My buddy that I'm staying with said I could stay until I to to court tomorrow. What did you do?

Thanks,
KISS


You have a place through tomorrow, that's good!

You can also talk to your minister and elders, they usually know someone that may have a room for rent on a short term basis.... (kid is in college and the room is empty type of situation, kid just married and have a room, etc.)

Talk to one of the inexpensive hotel chains in your area (motel 8, days inn, etc.), they negotiate weekly prices. They will usually rent out a room for about $125 a week.

Even salvation army near you will help locate a room on a temporary basis.... You have many options, besides signing a lease, for the short term....

It's humbling, isn't it!

Turn to God for your direction, not to misguided friends.
Read about what happened to Saul in 1 Chronicles 10:13 then turn to Philippians chapter 3 and meditate on the differences between the two readings.
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 10/31/12 02:10 PM
Herpapabear,

it is very humbling. Thanks for the info. will work on it after court today at 2. Its going to be a long 4 hours till then.

thanks,
KISS
Posted By: LuvsDavid Re: i want my wife back. - 10/31/12 02:24 PM
Remember, how you act in court today can to a long way. Spend that 4 hours thinking about that.
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 10/31/12 02:59 PM
Luvsdavid,

I know. I feel that I'm going to break down in court and look silly. I'm at the point that I dint care what people think of me. its all about my wife. I will give her what ever she wants. (As long as it isn't a divorce) I have spent a lot of time trying to minimize what I have done. Just worrying about my image and what people think of me. I'm done with it. I need to impress only rocketqueen. I have portrayed her as crazy or insane just to minimize what I did. I am truly sorry.

KISS
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 10/31/12 03:02 PM
I just received a email from our intermediary containing the contact info about the polygraph. I have already called him. Unfortunately I got his voice mail. I left a message hopefully I get a response soon.

KISS
Posted By: LuvsDavid Re: i want my wife back. - 10/31/12 03:07 PM
I'm gonna help you with the poly questions. Read Here Poly thread

Many people have posted the questions they asked. You will notice they are all basically the same. Do the research.

Also dont know how to quote other threads but here is a great example from Schoolbus.

Re: Polygraph Help [Re: L2010NM]



schoolbus
Member

Registered: 01/30/06
Posts: 3093



1. Besides the two women your wife already knows about, have there been any other women with whom you have had sexual contact of any kind during your relationship with your wife?

2. Since January 1, 2010, have you had any communication or contact, giving or receiving, with any previous or new sexual partners?

3. Was there emotional or sexual contact with OW2, giving or receiving, prior to May of 2009?

4. Besides your wife, have you had sexual contact of any kind, giving or receiving, with any other person in your marital home?

5. Have you answered all of your wife's questions regarding this affair with complete and truthful responses?




Top

Reply Quote Quick Reply Quick Quote Notify Email Post
Posted By: HerPapaBear Re: i want my wife back. - 10/31/12 04:04 PM
Originally Posted By: kiss


.... I'm at the point that I dint care what people think of me. its all about my wife.


It's about time!

When you care more about what others think, your wife knows it and feels it too! It's just a shame that you waited until RQ really may be done.



Originally Posted By: Kiss
I will give her what ever she wants. (As long as it isn't a divorce)


Please give her what she wants and NEEDS regardless of whether she stays or goes. This is about your character. It's also about RQ's and the childrens needs.


Originally Posted By: Kiss
I have spent a lot of time trying to minimize what I have done. Just worrying about my image and what people think of me. I'm done with it. I need to impress only rocketqueen. I have portrayed her as crazy or insane just to minimize what I did. I am truly sorry.


Have you decided to express this everyone in your life, or just to this forum?

You've injured RQ's reputation and slandered her for personal gain. It will tae a mighty effort on your part to convince all these people that YOU'VE been the whack job all along.....

So what are you going to do about it? Even if she chooses divorce, will you carry out the right course of action??
Posted By: HerPapaBear Re: i want my wife back. - 10/31/12 04:08 PM
Originally Posted By: kiss
I will put everything into our joint account. but I would have no idea what's left or what she plans on taking out. I don't care about the money. I want to do what is right.

Kiss


Then make it happen!

It's time to put your money where your mouth is, so to speak!
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: i want my wife back. - 10/31/12 04:09 PM
Originally Posted By: kiss
Luvsdavid,

I know. I feel that I'm going to break down in court and look silly. I'm at the point that I dint care what people think of me. its all about my wife. I will give her what ever she wants. (As long as it isn't a divorce) I have spent a lot of time trying to minimize what I have done. Just worrying about my image and what people think of me. I'm done with it. I need to impress only rocketqueen. I have portrayed her as crazy or insane just to minimize what I did. I am truly sorry.

KISS

ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS!
Posted By: Pineneedle Re: i want my wife back. - 10/31/12 04:17 PM
I think you should post the questions you want on the poly here and run by the members. Remember this is a great opportunity for you to show actions.
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: i want my wife back. - 10/31/12 04:19 PM
kiss,

You've been given loads of excellent advice. Why don't you tell us what YOUR list of actions are.
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 10/31/12 04:59 PM
Yes. I have went to a lot of our friends already. I had a long conversation and apologiEs to her sister inlaw on Saturday when I dropped the kids off to het. I will continue to have these conversations.

kiss
Posted By: Neak Re: i want my wife back. - 10/31/12 05:03 PM
Quote:
I know. I feel that I'm going to break down in court and look silly.


Quote:
I'm at the point that I dint care what people think of me. its all about my wife.


These statements are polar opposites, and yet you put them back to back. I will never believe it's all about your BW, when almost every sentence is about you and how this is affecting you.

Until you care light years more for your family and what you have caused them to suffer, than the minor inconveniences you are now experiencing at your own hand, you won't get off Square 1.
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 10/31/12 05:07 PM
I don't care what questions they ask. what ever rocketqueen has chosen. Witch I believe she already has.

KISS
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 10/31/12 05:18 PM
Neak,

how are they polar opposites? Luvsdavid asked me about my actions in court today and I thought I was answering the question. I believe that she was recurring to me being defensive and argumental. I Was trying to relay how I would be . I will be more careful answering questions.

please let me know what you mean because I'm confused

KISS
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 10/31/12 05:21 PM
I have listened to yesterdays marriage builders radio Broadway twice. I have missed pieces her and their though. I will promise to listen everyday

KISS
Posted By: markos Re: i want my wife back. - 10/31/12 05:27 PM
Originally Posted By: kiss
I have listened to yesterdays marriage builders radio Broadway twice. I have missed pieces her and their though. I will promise to listen everyday

KISS


That's a good step.

Don't expect to become an expert without spending a lot of time in class!
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 10/31/12 05:29 PM
Brainhurts,

1 I'm going to take the lie detector test
2 post constantly
3 set up my check to be direct deposit into our joint account
4 continue to apologies to our friends and family
5 give her the time she needs to heal
6 do anything else that rocketqueen asks
7 also anything that is asked of me through my thread

KISS
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 10/31/12 05:39 PM
Markos,

I have spent probably 12-15 hours here the last three day.

kiss
Posted By: black_raven Re: i want my wife back. - 10/31/12 06:12 PM
Originally Posted By: kiss
I will give her what ever she wants. (As long as it isn't a divorce)


And once again, you miss the boat...
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: i want my wife back. - 10/31/12 06:23 PM
Originally Posted By: kiss
Brainhurts,

1 I'm going to take the lie detector test
2 post constantly
3 set up my check to be direct deposit into our joint account
4 continue to apologies to our friends and family
5 give her the time she needs to heal
6 do anything else that rocketqueen asks
7 also anything that is asked of me through my thread

KISS

1. When is the poly?
2. Posting=check
3. When?
4. Why do you need to keep doing this if your actions are showing?
5. How much?
6. What has she asked? What were her conditions to you?
7. Ok

What Extraordinary precautions have you set up? Are you still texting opposite sex?
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 10/31/12 06:35 PM
Brainhurts,

1 lie detector test can be time in a week. I just spoke with the guy doing it. its $575. I need to get money back from my parents as rocketqueen told me it was $200. I have less then $500 in my account and I will need it for a room.for the next week and a half till pay day. I van also draw the rest of the money from my 401k in about a week.

3 It will be active probably November 23. I get paid bi weekly
Posted By: Neak Re: i want my wife back. - 10/31/12 06:35 PM
When thinking of court, what is on your mind is not the heartbreak your betrayed wife feels at being brought to the place where she must separate for her own safety and sanity. It's all about you...YOUR sad feelings, how YOU might break down, how YOU might look silly.

This isn't about you being more careful how you answer questions - that wouldn't be honest, would it? This is about changing the wrong thought patterns that are spilling over into your words. Being more careful how you answer isn't the solution. Being more careful of how you think is a start.

As is setting aside your own pain, in favor of what is best for the family that you have destroyed. Instead of the "poor me" mentality that will continue to come through no matter how you try to hide it, remember "poor them", and do what is best for them no matter what you want for yourself.
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 10/31/12 06:36 PM
5 What ever she needs.

6 no just the lie detector test is all she asked besides her original plan b letter

KISS
Posted By: HerPapaBear Re: i want my wife back. - 10/31/12 07:10 PM
Originally Posted By: kiss


1 lie detector test can be time in a week. I just spoke with the guy doing it. its $575. I need to get money back from my parents as rocketqueen told me it was $200. I have less then $500 in my account and I will need it for a room.for the next week and a half till pay day. I van also draw the rest of the money from my 401k in about a week.



This is the type of thinking that will cause your marriage to fail....


You need to schedule the poly now!

Your parents can transfer/wire the money to you in less than an hour to anywhere in the country. You just need to get it done and look for immediate solutions not excuses for delay.


Your marriage cannot survive more delays.....

or is there more information you need to come clean about prior to the poly? Is that why you are delaying??
Posted By: indiegirl Re: i want my wife back. - 10/31/12 07:22 PM
Kiss, OK I am seeing some action which is great.

I would respectfully tweak your attitude regarding where you said 'I will give her anything she wants (except a divorce)'

This is thinking about yourself again. Its great to want your marriage, its great to OFFER a recovered marriage, (and we all hope it happens) but you can't DEMAND she stay in it. Refusing her a choice is not just a pressure tactic and turn-off, its wrong. She's entitled to a divorce after all she's been through. At this stage you should care that she gets whatever makes her happiest, even if its divorce.
Posted By: HerPapaBear Re: i want my wife back. - 10/31/12 07:28 PM
Kiss,

I'm posting a link to another recent waywards thread. He disappeared and doesn't want to discuss the questions I asked him.

His requirements were, I believe, the same as yours.

So read it and lets start discussing those same things I've asked him, OK!

Click here for link
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 10/31/12 08:26 PM
Just left court rocketqueen want to keep.perusing the order of protection. so the judge asked if we each wanted attorneys. Rocketqueen said yes. I declined. the judge told me how foolish that is on my part. he advised me probably 7-8 more times to seek representation. I still dexlined. Then rocketqueen told me don't be stupid get a lawyer. I still declined. THen judge asked if I had any experience in a court room because he will be looking for witnesses. I said no. Then he made some comment about me screwing it up. I replied I have screwed up for a year now!! I told her that I will give her what ever she wants. now he set a return on January 7th.
Posted By: NebDane Re: i want my wife back. - 10/31/12 08:37 PM
You sir are an idiot if you chose to not have an attorney.
I wish we could represent ourselves, but you are going to get killed, unless you have experience yourself.
I believe you have to make amends, but that does not mean rolling over and taking it the hard way.
Posted By: Neak Re: i want my wife back. - 10/31/12 08:53 PM
I fully support giving her whatever she wants. However, I also have to recommend an attorney. The forms are a maze to negotiate, and you need someone who knows what they're doing. You'll just need to make it very clear to whomever you hire, that they work for you, and are there to help you see that your wife is taken care of fairly.

But please, get a lawyer.
Posted By: NebDane Re: i want my wife back. - 10/31/12 08:59 PM
**EDIT**
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: i want my wife back. - 10/31/12 09:02 PM
Originally Posted By: Neak
I fully support giving her whatever she wants. However, I also have to recommend an attorney. The forms are a maze to negotiate, and you need someone who knows what they're doing. You'll just need to make it very clear to whomever you hire, that they work for you, and are there to help you see that your wife is taken care of fairly.

But please, get a lawyer.

I agree.
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 10/31/12 09:13 PM
She is using it as a tactic. I agree 100 percent. if inflicting pain on me helps her heal or give us a glimmer of a chance. I'm willing to take the risk.

KISS
Posted By: black_raven Re: i want my wife back. - 10/31/12 09:31 PM
Originally Posted By: kiss
She is using it as a tactic. I agree 100 percent. if inflicting pain on me helps her heal or give us a glimmer of a chance. I'm willing to take the risk.

KISS


And why would you want to stay married to a woman you think resorts to using such underhanded tactics? skeptical
Posted By: Logans_Run Re: i want my wife back. - 10/31/12 09:41 PM
Pffffft

Let me get my tissues out for kiss the victim.
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 10/31/12 10:20 PM
Black raven,

This I think is because of this web site. It pushes this plan. "B" so hard that its the end all be all. I under stand the self healing piece and having seperation but this is not the way to do it. when a spouse is in the middle of an affair I DEFFINITLY understand. I do agree with a lot of the concepts of this web sit but not this. Rocketqueen is just doing as she is told by everyone on this web site. its not here fault. Like her mother said she drank the cool aid or something along those lines. My only concern is that she is so tangled in this that if someone told her jump she would.

Love rocket forever,
KISS


KISS
Posted By: armymama Re: i want my wife back. - 10/31/12 10:38 PM
kiss,

So, if I understand correctly, you do not believe that MB principles can improve your marriage. Rather, you see it as a cult that breaks up perfectly good marriages by suggesting that spouses who are not getting their needs met by their spouse separate.

Why are you here then if not to manipulate your wife into status quo? IMO, she should not let you return for a long, long, if ever. You demonstate no care for her whatsoever.

AM
Posted By: Pineneedle Re: i want my wife back. - 10/31/12 10:45 PM
O my, do mi hear the wahhhhhhhhbulance?

You're not a victim, like the judge said, playing one is not going to serve you a thing.
Posted By: indiegirl Re: i want my wife back. - 11/01/12 12:01 AM
Originally Posted By: NebDane
**EDIT**


You're right that a bogus order would be denied.

But RQs was not denied because it was true and there were police officers there on the night. Kiss has admitted himself he went out drinking and refused to leave when asked. He said the locks were changed - so how did he even get in!!!

Have you read this thread? We are trying to get Kiss to behave more respectfully towards his wife and not bully his way in when she's had enough.

Posted By: indiegirl Re: i want my wife back. - 11/01/12 12:12 AM
Originally Posted By: kiss
Black raven,

This I think is because of this web site. It pushes this plan. "B" so hard that its the end all be all. I under stand the self healing piece and having seperation but this is not the way to do it. when a spouse is in the middle of an affair I DEFFINITLY understand. I do agree with a lot of the concepts of this web sit but not this. Rocketqueen is just doing as she is told by everyone on this web site. its not here fault. Like her mother said she drank the cool aid or something along those lines. My only concern is that she is so tangled in this that if someone told her jump she would.

Love rocket forever,
KISS


KISS


You're forgetting that being together with RQ in Plan A this past year has WORSENED your marriage and DAMAGED her love for you. She would love you more, and want recovery more, if she had not seen your antics this past year.

Far from being told to 'jump' RQ stubbornly refused Dr Hs advice to do it for only three weeks to protect her mental health and lovebank for you because she loved you. She stuck it out.

Last year RQ was desperate to save her marriage - but after a year of abuse she's fallen out of love with you. Perhaps forever. You may not be able to get her back in love with you BECAUSE she stuck it out too long. Women can't do that. We need to be cared for daily. Or kept somewhere safe so we don't fall out love with our spouses.

If she had stayed in Plan B she would still love you today. She would have less things to resent.

When RQ went into her first Plan B there was hope for the two of you because she still loved you.

Now, she may very well say 'too little, too late'

Plan B is to protect the lovebank. You've lied to her that entire year. You may well have killed her love.

If we work on you (fast) and you keep away from her until you can present her with something that's GOOD for her lovebank, we MAY still have time to rescue this marriage.

I don't care what you want/miss/need in the short term. This is your mess. If the consequences are only short term then you will be very lucky indeed.

I'd rather you worked towards the long term goal so your kids have a shot of parents who stayed together and RQ gets a great husband - and you deserve that too.

IF you EARN it.
Posted By: Logans_Run Re: i want my wife back. - 11/01/12 12:22 AM
Yes, all plan B'ers are a bunch of MB zombies, they all drank the kool-aid....did you not get your serving yet? Oh wait, waywards do not get kool-aid.......they get a dose of reality.

Wait, I am sounding like......could it be?......ohno, I am a MB zombie.
Nooo
Posted By: indiegirl Re: i want my wife back. - 11/01/12 12:25 AM
On the subject of funds, for accommodation/poly you might want to consider selling your own possessions. The more meaningful the possession, the more repentant your action, kwim?
Posted By: indiegirl Re: i want my wife back. - 11/01/12 12:28 AM
Originally Posted By: kiss

Love rocket forever,


OK, I know this message isn't for us. Stop trying to manipulate her into coming back with mere words. Isn't good enough.

And if she is in Plan B, she would NO WAY read your thread, so all it's doing is pissing people off.
Posted By: HerPapaBear Re: i want my wife back. - 11/01/12 12:40 AM
Quote:
She is using it as a tactic. I agree 100 percent. if inflicting pain on me helps her heal or give us a glimmer of a chance. I'm willing to take the risk.




Originally Posted By: kiss
Black raven,

This I think is because of this web site. It pushes this plan. "B" so hard that its the end all be all. I under stand the self healing piece and having seperation but this is not the way to do it. when a spouse is in the middle of an affair I DEFFINITLY understand. I do agree with a lot of the concepts of this web sit but not this. Rocketqueen is just doing as she is told by everyone on this web site. its not here fault. Like her mother said she drank the cool aid or something along those lines. My only concern is that she is so tangled in this that if someone told her jump she would.

Love rocket forever,
KISS



I actually stepped into your thread again beacause I thought you were showing signs of being sweetly broken....

You have only shown your true colors!

You are no where close to being sweetly broken..... these two posts say it all..... You are a sick little man!

I'm outta here.


RQ if you are reading this, please run! Fast!
Posted By: indiegirl Re: i want my wife back. - 11/01/12 01:07 AM
I agree his attitude towards RQ taking her much needed break is alarming.

Its like he only cares about what she can do for him.

I do really, really hope though that he can turn this around fast.

He may already be too late. RQ seemed done before she stopped posting. I'm not even sure this is Plan B, its very possibly just silence before Plan D.
Posted By: indiegirl Re: i want my wife back. - 11/01/12 01:09 AM
Originally Posted By: HerPapaBear


RQ if you are reading this


I'd stake a months salary that she isn't and she's dead serious this time.
Posted By: markos Re: i want my wife back. - 11/01/12 01:41 AM
Originally Posted By: kiss
Black raven,

This I think is because of this web site. It pushes this plan. "B" so hard that its the end all be all. I under stand the self healing piece and having seperation but this is not the way to do it. when a spouse is in the middle of an affair I DEFFINITLY understand. I do agree with a lot of the concepts of this web sit but not this. Rocketqueen is just doing as she is told by everyone on this web site. its not here fault. Like her mother said she drank the cool aid or something along those lines. My only concern is that she is so tangled in this that if someone told her jump she would.

Love rocket forever,
KISS


KISS


kiss, you don't understand what Plan B is or how it helps your wife. You've listened to Dr. Harley for how many hours of the radio show, now? How many times have you heard Dr. Harley advise Plan B, so far? I don't think you're really in any position to understand the concepts and plans, yet, because you really haven't invested a lot of time in learning what they are or what their benefits are.
Posted By: markos Re: i want my wife back. - 11/01/12 01:46 AM
Originally Posted By: HerPapaBear
Quote:
She is using it as a tactic. I agree 100 percent. if inflicting pain on me helps her heal or give us a glimmer of a chance. I'm willing to take the risk.




Originally Posted By: kiss
Black raven,

This I think is because of this web site. It pushes this plan. "B" so hard that its the end all be all. I under stand the self healing piece and having seperation but this is not the way to do it. when a spouse is in the middle of an affair I DEFFINITLY understand. I do agree with a lot of the concepts of this web sit but not this. Rocketqueen is just doing as she is told by everyone on this web site. its not here fault. Like her mother said she drank the cool aid or something along those lines. My only concern is that she is so tangled in this that if someone told her jump she would.

Love rocket forever,
KISS



I actually stepped into your thread again beacause I thought you were showing signs of being sweetly broken....

You have only shown your true colors!

You are no where close to being sweetly broken..... these two posts say it all..... You are a sick little man!

I'm outta here.


RQ if you are reading this, please run! Fast!


Yep, I have to agree.
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 11/01/12 01:52 AM
Im sorry for the post about plan B. Indiegirls post has given me more info about why you go through a plan B. I have had people post and read about it but I guess I just didn't get it. I was frustrated and hurt when I did post that. I need to take my emotions out of it. I will think more before I speak(type).

KISS
Posted By: armymama Re: i want my wife back. - 11/01/12 02:05 AM
Two lines of text and the use of the word I or me 10 times. That pretty much sums up your approach to life, all about you and what you want.

Where am I going to stay? How can I save money? How can I get my wife to do what I want her to do?

AM
Posted By: indiegirl Re: i want my wife back. - 11/01/12 02:07 AM
Kiss being hurt is natural. We've all experienced the hurt of loss here and we are all supporters of marriage. But your hurt is not the priority. Your hurt won't solve anything. I'm glad my post helped and I hope to continue to see progress in your understanding.

But you are MILES away from being ready for RQ.

Learn, learn, learn! Then we may get somewhere.
Posted By: indiegirl Re: i want my wife back. - 11/01/12 02:13 AM
Kiss, even though HPB has ducked out I would still answer the Qs on the thread he posted for you. It'll help.
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 11/01/12 02:18 AM

Re: Making things right [Re: HerPapaBear]



HerPapaBear
Member

Registered: 11/01/07
Posts: 2782



Humility - This is an ongoing demonstartion of your character, so what are you doing everyday to demonstrate it?


Remorse - This is an action that, not an emotion. Guilt is an emotion often confused as remorse. What actions have you taen to show your remorse and what actions are you taking daily?


_________________________
tst

FWH(me)46; BW 45(SexyMamaBear); Recovery began 10/07;
7 Wonderful Kids Together, DS21,DD18,DS16,DS13,DS11,DD8 & DD5
Our latest addition was on 1/31/12 a beautiful 4 yr old DD adopted from China.


We Are So Blessed!

Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.



Herpapabear,

Humility- I am praying to God everyday for help. As I know I do not deserve Rocketqueen and my kids for what I have done. But to still maybe someday have a chance I am so greatful. I know I don't deserve what I have been given.

Remorse- I show remorse by showing Im guilty. I have conversations with our friends on how I screwed up by having an affair. Letting them see the damage I've done to not only Rocketqueen and the kids but also myself. I have been trying to explain to them the benefits of marriage builders and how important UA time is to a marriage even when things are good so you don't lose your selves in life or work.
(just had this conversation with my best friend who has just had his 1 year anniv. about an hour ago)

HerPapaBear please give feedback.

KISS
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 11/01/12 02:19 AM
indiegirl,

already working on it.

KISS
Posted By: black_raven Re: i want my wife back. - 11/01/12 02:28 AM
Originally Posted By: kiss
I screwed up by having an affair.


You have screwed up even more than your affair, kiss. Are you really so blind and clueless that you don't see how you insult your wife? You think very little of her.
Posted By: indiegirl Re: i want my wife back. - 11/01/12 02:28 AM
Good stuff.

Prepare for this to be a very long process. Months at least.

And at the end of it it is still RQs pregorative to not choose you if she feels she cannot. But the time will improve YOU. And that is all you control.

I'd answer those thread questions, then review your thread, answering qs you skipped initially.

I'd also post a note about the radio show each day, what you heard and what you understand by it.

I'd also pledge to NOT interfere with RQs Plan B in any way. That will only achieve a hurt, broken angry RQ. Don't try to reach her, speak with her, get messages to her or manipulate her. It will undo your potential efforts before they have even began.
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 11/01/12 02:44 AM
Surrender emotionally before me and spiritually before God - When we surrender, we raise our white flag and give it all to God. We cease fighting everything and everyone. We Wholly Surrender. Have you tried to take over in any areas, or started making decisions independently again? Or are you falling to your knees daily and discussing every decision with your wife and with God?

Godly sorrow (not fleshly sorrow) (Godly: sorry that I ever had the A & did this to our family. Fleshly: sorry I hurt you)- What does this mean to you? Are you still thinking about this? Do you still have times that you grieve? Are you grieving this together with your wife or alone?


_________________________
tst

FWH(me)46; BW 45(SexyMamaBear); Recovery began 10/07;
7 Wonderful Kids Together, DS21,DD18,DS16,DS13,DS11,DD8 & DD5
Our latest addition was on 1/31/12 a beautiful 4 yr old DD adopted from China.


We Are So Blessed!

Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.

HerPapaBear,

Surrender emotionally before me and spiritually before God -
I do pray constanly asking for help and guidance. I keep thinking through every decision is this what is best for Rocketqueen. Would God agree. Without his blessing this will not work. I am ashamed by what I have done. I have been raised in a Godly house hold and spent probably 3 maybe 4 days a week at church between Sunday Mass, youth group gatherings, working at the church (maitenance), meetings with my father who was the wardan or printing Sundays pamphlets.

Godly sorrow (not fleshly sorrow) (Godly: sorry that I ever had the A & did this to our family. Fleshly: sorry I hurt you)- To me this is a feeling of disappointment! I let God and my family down. I think about this constantly. I do grieve constantly. It's a hevy burden to bare. I have never shared this with RocketQueen. Our beliefs are different. I have grown up feeling like you need to be or act like Jesus Christ every minute. You need to walk the walk. She has said that as long as you do the right thing and are a good person you will go to heaven. I don't believe that. I feel like I am a huge disappointment to God. This is before RocketQueen as we meet a month before I turned 22. Thats just over 14 years ago. I felt like I could not be good enough for God when I was probably about 18. I thought it was to hard. That their was no way I could be like Jesus. I have realized over the past couple of months that it can be done one decision or one thought at a time.

KISS
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 11/01/12 02:11 PM
I just went to the bank to put back the $10k that I took out of the bank before Rocket threw me out. it will take until November 12th to process the cancelled certified bank check that I took it out on. So on the 12 th I have to go back so they can reissue the check and put it back in our account.

small steps to goal

KISS
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 11/01/12 03:16 PM
I just went to the bank to put back the $10k that I took out of the bank. it will take until November 12th to process the cancelled certified bank check that I took it out on. So on the 12 th I have to go back so they can reissue the check and put it back in our account.

small steps to goal

KISS
Posted By: Logans_Run Re: i want my wife back. - 11/01/12 03:34 PM
Originally Posted By: kiss
I just went to the bank to put back the $10k that I took out of the bank before Rocket threw me out. it will take until November 12th to process the cancelled certified bank check that I took it out on. So on the 12 th I have to go back so they can reissue the check and put it back in our account.

small steps to goal

KISS


Why did you take out 10k out of the bank in the first place? Is RQ aware that you did this? Are you trying to withold marital funds from RQ?
Posted By: Northwood8900 Re: i want my wife back. - 11/01/12 03:45 PM
Originally Posted By: kiss
it will take until November 12th to process the cancelled certified bank check


Why not just re-deposit the certified bank check?
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 11/01/12 04:00 PM
Northwood8900,

Rocketqueen took the check out of my car. Her lawyer has it and said to not give it back. So instead of being able to put It in our account today and pay for her $1200 fix her car. we are having to pay her rather back in two weeks. I hate putting that burden on them. So frustrated trying to take care of my issues but feel like I'm trying to swim with my hands tied. Trying to come up with more options for money sooner.

KISS
Posted By: Logans_Run Re: i want my wife back. - 11/01/12 05:08 PM
Originally Posted By: Logans_Run


Why did you take out 10k out of the bank in the first place? Is RQ aware that you did this? Are you trying to withold marital funds from RQ?


You did not answer these questions.
Posted By: SugarCane Re: i want my wife back. - 11/01/12 05:20 PM
Originally Posted By: kiss
Northwood8900,

we are having to pay her rather back in two weeks. I hate putting that burden on them.

This does not make sense. What did you mean to say?

Why did you take 10k from your account so that your wife no longer had access to it? Was this withdrawal agreed between you and her? If not, did you tell her about it after you had done it? After you separated, did you send the money back to her now that your jointly agreed plan for the money was not going through? If not, why not?
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 11/01/12 10:23 PM
Logans_run,

It was because of stupidity. I was worried about rocket taking it. and hidding it from me. We both with drew money from our 401k accounts. she paid her car off and I'm not really sure what she did with the rest. I took out my money to send to my parents in Florida who are helping us look for a house. Rocket took it out of my checking account and put it in our joint account. I was nervous what she was doing. so I wanted to use it for what we intended not for it to be used on other things. So I had a certified bank check made to my dad so I could send it to him. Had it in my car and rocketqueen has a key to my car and she took it and gave it to her lawyer.


KISS
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 11/01/12 10:34 PM
Sorry what I ment was we have to pay rocketqueens father back. she is using his firestone card to pay it. No. we did not discuss it. I didn't tell here because I knew she would know soon enough because she is always on line. I'm putting it back but that is still the plan.

KISS
Posted By: karmasrose Re: i want my wife back. - 11/01/12 11:00 PM
You should leave it there. If she wants to take money to use, that is her business. She is entitled to money in the joint account and you are NOT the one who gets to decide if she is entitled to it or not.
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 11/02/12 03:16 AM
Karmasrose,

That is the plan.

KISS
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 11/02/12 03:45 AM
Trying to come up with the money for the lie detector test. Its very frustrating because we have money with this check that wont clear until the 12th, I have stocks that i wont get money for probably a week and a half, I would sell my Kiss pin collection but again it would take to long to list on ebay and get the payment. The only thing I can think of is to sell my gold chain that I bought when i was 20. I had it appraised for about 3k years ago. I hope to get the $600 I need for the lie detector test. I hope this gives my Chalupee some forcloser and helps her heal from my stupidity.

KISS
Posted By: JenniferVoyager Re: i want my wife back. - 11/02/12 06:59 AM
Aren't all those frustrations and delays a direct result of your attempt to convert marital assets?

KISS, if it weren't for the fact that RQ and your children are affected by all of this, your blatant ignorance to the depth of your problems might actually be amusing. As it is, it's painful, because I can empathize with them. I wish for just a minute you could see yourself as you are instead of the amazing awesome kiss that you think you are. YOU LOST YOUR WIFE, MAN!!! Why are you wasting our time with dribble of what you think your sacrifices are instead of just doing what you have to do, with no back pats, to make some amends for the pain you've inflicted on your wife???

I have a recommendation for you...email Dr. Harley and ask to go on the show. Don't just send an email with your explanation for things, though, but actually write to Joyce and Dr. Bill that people on the forum have been telling you for a year you don't get it, and you don't understand what you arent getting, and your wife has now left and has a restraining order against you, and refer them specifically to your thread. Say you want to be a caller on the show and include your phone. Umber. Come back and post here and tell us what day your going to be on the show. Then accept all feedback/suggestions afterward.

I doubt you will actually do this, but if you did you might get a person or two on here giving you another shot to be helped. Because I don't think you realize it, but none of us are drinking your koolaid and believing you are being honest to this forum or putting any meaningful effort into actually trying to recover your marriage or become a better person than you are right now.
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: i want my wife back. - 11/02/12 03:15 PM
Nice post and ideas jen.
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: i want my wife back. - 11/02/12 03:39 PM
Originally Posted By: kiss
Brainhurts,

1 lie detector test can be time in a week. I just spoke with the guy doing it. its $575. I need to get money back from my parents as rocketqueen told me it was $200. I have less then $500 in my account and I will need it for a room.for the next week and a half till pay day. I van also draw the rest of the money from my 401k in about a week.

3 It will be active probably November 23. I get paid bi weekly



I'm just getting caught up on your thread.
First, you don't cash in a retirement fund for a lie detector test. That is not wise.
From readin your thread it appears that you both have terrible financial management skills. A cardinal rule of financial management is not to cash in your retirement funds. I encourage you to find another way to do this test.

It won't benefit you to pass the test and be destitute.
In fact take some time to enroll in a financial management course. I know where you are financially, I'm nearly bankrupt myself
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: i want my wife back. - 11/02/12 03:51 PM
Originally Posted By: Neak
Quote:
I can't live without my only Love


At this point, you have to. You have driven her away. Is this statement a hint of suicidal thoughts?

You are very broken, and need much fixing yourself before you can even THINK of trying to recover your marriage. If you're willing to do that, I know of a thread that has LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS of great advice on it. I'ts called "i want my wife back" and if you just start on page one, you'll find everything you need to know.



I agree with Neak and think that you should focus on self improvement.
Start with the basics, eating healthy, exercise, mental health - read something interesting , dont be a mental loaf.
I know that you are a workaholic (I've been one too) so I would caution you not to bury yourself in work but try to improve yourself.
The first thing you need to focus on is financial management because your marriage will always suffer (individually if you end up divorcing too) without proper financial management.
Are you exercising? If not then start.
Start reading books.
Watch some classic John Wayne movies to help you be masculine.
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: i want my wife back. - 11/02/12 04:03 PM
Originally Posted By: kiss
Indiegirl,

What about her contact and hanging out with her exhusband? How do you feel about that? She talked to him during our recovery. I read text messages of him telling her How beautiful she is and she always has been. Also her text him about going out together on a saturday afternoon with a group of people. Then them discussing each others relationship problems after I told her months prior what a big issue it was for me.

KISS


Well that could certainly pose a major problem In any hopes of recovery if she is talking to an ex husband.
The thing is you can't control her actions. You can only control your own.
I would just focus on self improvement.
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: i want my wife back. - 11/02/12 04:20 PM
Originally Posted By: kiss
Just left court rocketqueen want to keep.perusing the order of protection. so the judge asked if we each wanted attorneys. Rocketqueen said yes. I declined. the judge told me how foolish that is on my part. he advised me probably 7-8 more times to seek representation. I still dexlined. Then rocketqueen told me don't be stupid get a lawyer. I still declined. THen judge asked if I had any experience in a court room because he will be looking for witnesses. I said no. Then he made some comment about me screwing it up. I replied I have screwed up for a year now!! I told her that I will give her what ever she wants. now he set a return on January 7th.




Kiss there is a difference between expressing remorse coupled with self improvement and becoming your own martyr.
You refuse to listen to advice.
Te posters on this forum advised you earlier to establish personal boundaries around the opposite sex. You didn't listen.
Now a judge, who is a recognized expert in law, pleads with you to have an attorney and you stubbornly refuse. Having an attorney is NOT attacking your wife. Having an attorney ensures that your rights are protected.
I urge you to get one ASAP
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 11/02/12 04:25 PM
Jennifervoyager,

I just sent the email to the radio show requesting to be on. I gave then my situation and what I have done. I also told them how everyone says I don't get it. I also left them my thread name.

anything else,
Kiss
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 11/02/12 04:32 PM
HDW,

everyone on here beats me up. I understand why. they tell me to give het what she wants. so why shoulda we go to court and pay money we don't have when all I'm doing is giving her what she wants just want her to be happy. I have put her through so much the last year what does doing to court and fighting do to help that. I need to show her I have changed and that her needs come first. I really don't care what happens to me or what I get out of this all I want is my chalupee

Kiss
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: i want my wife back. - 11/02/12 04:41 PM
Originally Posted By: kiss
HDW,

everyone on here beats me up. I understand why. they tell me to give het what she wants. so why shoulda we go to court and pay money we don't have when all I'm doing is giving her what she wants just want her to be happy. I have put her through so much the last year what does doing to court and fighting do to help that. I need to show her I have changed and that her needs come first. I really don't care what happens to me or what I get out of this all I want is my chalupee

Kiss


I understand that you don't want to fight your wife.

Well if you are being completely truthful about the ex husband sending her romantic text messages you can KISS any recovery away.
I will repeat this: Getting an attorney is not fighting your wife.
Listen to COMPETENT advice. You said the judge implored you numerous times to get an attorney. Listen to the advice of wise people.

I'm not going to advocate you give everything you have to your wife and live as a hermit in repentance. I'm not advocating you try to fight her tooth and nail. The truth is you are both broke and the only thing decided by a court would be custody issues and child support (which is calculated with a computer program).

Do you think acting as your own attorney will help you in any type of recovery? Wouldn't you be better off leaving that to an attorney instead of making her despise you more?
Posted By: Neak Re: i want my wife back. - 11/02/12 05:12 PM
Wow. I have only a limited time, so rather than "beating up on you" I will just say that I think it will be WONDERFUL if you can get on the radio program.
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: i want my wife back. - 11/02/12 05:20 PM
Originally Posted By: Neak
Wow. I have only a limited time, so rather than "beating up on you" I will just say that I think it will be WONDERFUL if you can get on the radio program.

I agree AGAIN with this and jen's advice. Let us know when you will be on the show.
Posted By: FathersEyes Re: i want my wife back. - 11/02/12 05:20 PM
T/J-

Neak,

You are my hero. I read your entire thread before I ever posted here. You are inspiring, not to mention a fabulous writer. smile
Posted By: Littlebit3 Re: i want my wife back. - 11/02/12 05:24 PM
I'm with HDW. you need an attorney. Before, others were imploring you to quit being selfish. That would mean taking your blinders off. Seeing how everything you say, don't say, do and don't do affects your wife and marital relationship. The fact that you have really never been able to "get it" this whole time shows that you are focused on yourself, what you want, what you don't want, what you like, what you don't like, how you like something, how you don't like something. It shows a lack of understanding and empathy for those in your life who have given you the most important role in their lives. Get help for that. Love isn't just the warm fuzzy feeling that makes it easier to give of yourself. It really is a CHOICE!!! A choice to do the right thing regardless of how YOU feel about it.

Be smart here. Not having your own representation in court isn't going to help anything. You don't have to give RQ everything because you screwed up. She would much rather see you make the changes necessary to become the man you are supposed to be.
Posted By: Neak Re: i want my wife back. - 11/02/12 06:22 PM
hug FathersEyes hug But for the grace of God... smile
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 11/03/12 03:34 AM
I listened to yesturdays Marriage builders this morning but in pieces. Tiffiney asked about how can she stop the flashbacks of her husbands affair. This is a huge hurdle in RQ and my recovery. Dr. Harley talked about going to gatherings together is a must. He also discussed protecting your emotional needs and how no matter how good your marriage is if you don't protect your emotional needs you can still have an affair. He also talked about eliminating friendships with the opposite sex. He also talked about when she has bad flash backs or nightmares to hold and comfort her. Also to appologize her putting her through this or deal. I that I do need to continue to always keeping my guard up. I feel like I have deffinitly improved besides a couple of damn text messages. I do not reply to any text messages from females if they are not work related. When RQ had her flashbacks I believe i always did a good job of holding her and letting her know how sorry I was.

KISS
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: i want my wife back. - 11/03/12 03:50 AM
Are you going to obtain a lawyer?
Posted By: karmasrose Re: i want my wife back. - 11/03/12 04:00 AM
You don't need to be texting with a woman not your wife period.
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 11/03/12 04:19 AM
I also listened to todays broadcast later today. Sex and what each partner gets out of it and how much more woman need to be open to having sex. A woman must be in love to want sex. You need to be emotionally bonded to your wife. Intimate conversation helps the wife with getting close and being more inclined to sex. The more woman are in love the more they enjoy the physical contact.

If you meet a womans emotional needs the more they show you admiration.

Dr. Harley teaches premarriage classes and he looks for their ability to solving conflicts. Do you communicate with each other respectfully. Empathy and understanding in solving problems not bashing.

Todays broadcast was great for me as It helps me realize why RQ may have not been willing or wanting to make love to me. If Im not meeting her emotional needs why should she meet mine. It works both ways. Also the solving conflicts part I believe that both RQ and I both have always become defensive and we need to work on empathy and understanding of each others needs and point of view.

KISS
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 11/03/12 04:25 AM
Brainhurts,

Im sorry and I understand your point of view but I will not get a lawyer. If RQ really wants to have an order of protection against me for ever and she doesn't want to ever see me again then that means that she doesn't want me any more and I'm realizing that more and more everyday. I don't believe now that she is going to come back to me. Even though it is the most devistating thing I have ever delt with I am starting to accept it. I love her more then anything and I want her to be happy. I think I need to start preparing my self to move on. I don't know how Im going to do it but I have to. Thank God I have the two greatest kids ever. Without them I don't know what I would do.

KISS
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 11/03/12 04:27 AM
Karmasrose,

Trust me I know. It might be to late but I know that now.

KISS
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: i want my wife back. - 11/03/12 04:28 AM
I encourage you to write in a journal.
When my wife left me I wrote daily, and made a point to write one thing I was grateful for.
"an attitude of gratitude" Write something you are grateful for in your wife, your children and a general thing.
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 11/03/12 04:44 AM
Indiegirl,

Thank you for the idea of coming on my thread and putting on here what I learned from Dr.Harleys radio broadcast each day. It has helped me as now as I listen to it Im taking notes and writing down ideas. I now have started a list of things if RQ did want to try and work on our marriage things I would like to implament in our recovery. Like setting 2-3 times a week when we would take 1 1/2 to 2 hrs just to learn more about marriage builders. Weather its doing the work books that we have or sitting down and talking about that days radio broadcast or discussing something on the site that we read or feedback that we have been given. Also I would want RQ to have a note pad that she can write down any love busters that I did or things that added to her love bank. She always would say something at night or the next day that I did that bothered her or she didn't like. But she could never give me details or she wasn't clear, This way she would have spacific info or maybe just tell me when it happens.

Thanks again IndieGirl as Todays broadcast helped me focus after a very emotionally tough morning.

KISS
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 11/03/12 04:49 AM
HDW,

This is a great idea as I need to focus on the positive. I have been trying to stay positive but it has been very difficult. I love my kids more then life its self but for every thought I have about them I have 50 about RQ. I don't mean to post so much about my feelings but thats who I am. I am trying to keep my feelings out of this but its very difficult.

KISS
Posted By: HoldHerHand Re: i want my wife back. - 11/03/12 04:51 AM
Originally Posted By: kiss
Brainhurts,

Im sorry and I understand your point of view but I will not get a lawyer. If RQ really wants to have an order of protection against me for ever and she doesn't want to ever see me again then that means that she doesn't want me any more and I'm realizing that more and more everyday. I don't believe now that she is going to come back to me. Even though it is the most devistating thing I have ever delt with I am starting to accept it. I love her more then anything and I want her to be happy. I think I need to start preparing my self to move on. I don't know how Im going to do it but I have to. Thank God I have the two greatest kids ever. Without them I don't know what I would do.

KISS



KISS,

This may be the most important epiphany for you to ever have.

I told you months ago that if you didn't pucker up tighter than a coal miner's.... wallet... that your wife would leave. And you piddled, brother. You piddled. As if you still had some shred of fantasy that you could continue limping along and she would just tolerate it.

She won't.


You can do everything PERFECTLY from this day out, and your wife may never take you back.

That does NOT mean that it is in any form a waste of your time to learn to become a better man and husband. It doesn't mean that learning to protect your Love Bank from other women is a waste of time.
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: i want my wife back. - 11/03/12 04:55 AM
Originally Posted By: kiss
Brainhurts,

Im sorry and I understand your point of view but I will not get a lawyer. If RQ really wants to have an order of protection against me for ever and she doesn't want to ever see me again then that means that she doesn't want me any more and I'm realizing that more and more everyday. I don't believe now that she is going to come back to me. Even though it is the most devistating thing I have ever delt with I am starting to accept it. I love her more then anything and I want her to be happy. I think I need to start preparing my self to move on. I don't know how Im going to do it but I have to. Thank God I have the two greatest kids ever. Without them I don't know what I would do.

KISS

Wow kiss.

You may be seeing some of the light. Please keep reading and listening to the radio show. I learn something new every time.
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 11/03/12 05:32 AM
Brainhurts,

I have argued with RQ about how much she is on this web site reading other betrayed spouses threads. I have told her that it isn't good for her as she keeps living my affair over and over again. Its hard for a alcoholic to stop drinking if they live in a bar.

But I feel for me it is a huge help because I see what damage I have caused by hearing peoples pains and heart break. The radio show lets me hear what they have been through and you can hear the pain and suffering their spouses have caused. As I keep thinking what a crappy husband or wife how could they do that to that poor woman all the pain that she is feeling. He can be out their doing his thing while he has a devistated wife and confussed kids at home. Then I realize that piece of crap was me. Then I wonder how the hell does he think she can stay with him after he did that to her. Then again I realize I am asking my wife to stay with me!!!

KISS
Posted By: indiegirl Re: i want my wife back. - 11/03/12 09:26 AM
Hearing about other people's betrayal doesn't hurt a betrayed wife. It just makes you feel less alone, less of a freak. the support from other women is actually quite wonderful on here.

I have been reading threads daily on here since DDay last year and I havent had any triggers for a long time.

It's the risk of being hurt more in the marriage itself that causes triggers.

If a BW can have a safe marriage, or if she leaves the dangerous marriage she wont have any more triggers.
Posted By: JenniferVoyager Re: i want my wife back. - 11/03/12 10:52 AM
Kiss, glad to see your comments about the radio show. I'd really like to see you develop a plan (and maybe this is what Dr. Harley can help you with) of what you would offer to do for recovery if RQ was ever interested.

But please be aware that we see through a lot of what you say. You can't just be 75% and hope that will be good enough, marriage is absolute commitment. So...what about that polygraph? And why are you still trying to minimize your inappropriate OS relationships?? It wasn't just a few texts, and you need to get to the point where you can understand the whole problem and your actions in their entirety.


Let me share a little tidbit for you from my WH's A. I caught him on Facebook chatting with a woman we used to know in our old town through the kids, someone we hadn't seen in a couple of years but who a friend warned me was interested in H and I told him at the time to keep his boundaries high. He had erased all of their previous conversations but I could tell from what I saw they'd been chatting for some time. Even though he was talking about our marriage, it was so misrepresented it was clear he was rewriting not just history but the present. My H hadn't really been talking to me for a few days, and I was sleeping in my own room to not feel so lonely with him. And in that chat that I saw, you know what is seared into my memory, the most painful part? He asked her how her back was doing tonight. Now if you can tell me why that hurt the worst, maybe you're getting somewhere...so that's your next assignment.
Posted By: Scotland Re: i want my wife back. - 11/03/12 01:10 PM
Kiss, I'm glad that you have decided to learn more about MB.

One thing about your last few posts though. Read through them and see how often you were looking for things to improve in YOURSELF and how often you were blaming RQ. This is part of the wayward fog. As well as the pot shots at the posters that are trying to help you save your marriage.

I really hope that you become an unrepentant wayward, and not even to save your marriage. You need to do this for your children, and for yourself. Living a life as a wayward goes against everything that is right, and it eats away at your soul.

Instead of listening to the shows and finding things that RQ could improve, or things that SHE did wrong, listen with the intent on YOU becoming the best spouse possible. You have commited the most horrible crime against your marriage. NOTHING RQ has done even compares to it. Not even if you add them up all together.

And I want you to stop dismissing your affair. The fact is, you were still married when you separated and you commited adultery while blameshifting on RQ. You began your affair before you separated, and continued while separated. That is all on YOU. Until you can take responsibility for it, you are no where near safe enough to recover with.

And please continue to post as we will be able to help you defog. It's one of the reasons we encouraged you to post before. Don't edit yourself, because we need to know what you are actually thinking to be able to point out your areas to improve.
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 11/03/12 01:17 PM
Jennifervoyager,

I believe it to be the most painful because he showed compassion and caring for a mother woman. It showed that he was concerned for a woman other then you. He had taking a true interest in her well being.

Thank you this definitely helps me understand.

KISS
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 11/03/12 01:32 PM
Scotty,

Ido not blame RQ for my affair. it is on me. It was my own poor judgement or lake their of. Nothing that RQ did caused my affair. It was my lack of boundries and lack of protecting my top emotional needs. That's why the affair happened. Dr. Harley said on the radio broadcast yesterday that if you have a great marriage and your spouse is meeting your top emotional needs you can still end up having an affair. Its all about protecting your EN.

KISS
Posted By: Neak Re: i want my wife back. - 11/03/12 01:46 PM
Today's foghorn alert:

Quote:
I feel like I have deffinitly improved besides a couple of damn text messages.


Ghengis Khan was nice to lots of people, besides the ones that he murdered.

That pesky "besides" pretty much erases the first part of that sentence, doesn't it? As long as you still put a "besides" next to those text messages, it will erase most of what you said before, too.

Antifog moment #2:
Quote:
I have argued with RQ about how much she is on this web site reading other betrayed spouses threads. I have told her that it isn't good for her as she keeps living my affair over and over again. Its hard for a alcoholic to stop drinking if they live in a bar.


Does she keep living your ADULTERY over and over again because of other people, or because of YOU? Your behavior, past and present, has traumatized her to the point where she will take YEARS to heal, and years longer than what it took most of us, because you have damaged her far past the average BW.

Many of us actually had PTSD following what our beloved spouses did to us. Do you know what one of the best treatments for PTSD is? It's to go over the event, and over it and over it and over it, so many times that it loses its power to shock and wound. Then, finally, healing can begin. Healing from the damage YOU caused.

And yet you liken her to an alcoholic in a bar.

Nooo

************************

GOOD JOB listening to the radio show and taking notes. I do feel like you're making progress in understanding. The effort you make now will only benefit your future, whatever it holds. I realize it's only been the first couple days, but that's a start. Keep it up!
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: i want my wife back. - 11/03/12 01:46 PM
Several religious orders take vows of silence.
To learn not to receive words of affirmation from others. Only focus on communion with God.

Are you taking care of yourself?
Eating healthy, exercise and showing up for work on time?
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 11/03/12 02:44 PM
HDW,

I'm trying. I have been having a lot of issues with my ulcers. I did go to the doctor on Thursday and she gave me two prescriptions and I have to go to a specialist next week. Also I have to go for blood work. I have been eating probably twice a day. probably about a third of what I usually do. I bushfire an started to work out the last couple of days so I'm trying to at least have my 200 grams of protein a day. My biggest issue Is sleep most nights I get 2-3 hours of sleep a night. I will fall a sleep about 1-2 in the morning. then sleep for an jour and a half then wakeup and think about my RQ for an hour to two. Then I will fall asleep for another hour or two.


KISS
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: i want my wife back. - 11/03/12 02:53 PM
Then you need to talk to your doctor about lack of sleep and take an OTC sleep aid until your appointment (obviously follow label instructions).

Sleep is a third of our life. You will fall apart without sleep. You are in this situation. It doesn't matter how you got here or what happened in the past so much as how you respond to the daily challenges NOW.
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: i want my wife back. - 11/03/12 03:56 PM


Quote:
I feel like I have deffinitly improved besides a couple of damn text messages.


rotflmao
Posted By: Logans_Run Re: i want my wife back. - 11/03/12 04:25 PM
Originally Posted By: MelodyLane


Quote:
I feel like I have deffinitly improved besides a couple of damn text messages.


rotflmao


Would this be inline with "i have been sticking with my low calorie diet all week, with exception of my daily banana splits"
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 11/03/12 04:59 PM
Logans_run

I worded that wrong. I didn't want it to sound like I didn't think it was a big deal. I did not mean it that way. I meant it more in frustration that I did it. I know that its a big deal and a red flag to RQ. I know it was damaging.

KISS
Posted By: Logans_Run Re: i want my wife back. - 11/03/12 05:11 PM
Kiss

You are attempting to work over fellow board members and attempting to gaslight everyone with the whoa is me and the "I miss my Chalupee" and "see.....look at me....i am working very very hard" in your hope we somehow be able to contact RQ and tell her you are making the right steps for recovery.

You are full of Oscar Mayer BOLOGNA.



Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: i want my wife back. - 11/03/12 05:29 PM
Originally Posted By: Logans_Run
Kiss

You are attempting to work over fellow board members and attempting to gaslight everyone with the whoa is me and the "I miss my Chalupee" and "see.....look at me....i am working very very hard" in your hope we somehow be able to contact RQ and tell her you are making the right steps for recovery.

You are full of Oscar Mayer BOLOGNA.





I hope this isn't the case KISS. No one can contact your wife. This is an anonymous forum. Besides it appears she quit posting on her thread.

If you want to self improve that's what you need to focus on. And it has to be for your own self, to better yourself. To be a better man. That will produce changes that will benefit your wife and children.
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: i want my wife back. - 11/03/12 05:34 PM
You need to start with baby steps.
Are you working today?
If not go for a long walk. Find a nearby trail at a park and walk. This gives you exercise and time to think. Don't bring your phone.

This evening commit to reading a Chapter out of the Bible. I suggest you start with the Gospel of John. Take an over the counter sleeping pill per the label instructions. Don't drink caffein past 12 pm.

Tomorrow morning, if you are not Working: GO TO CHURCH. Go early for the Sunday School.

Can you commit to this?
Posted By: Logans_Run Re: i want my wife back. - 11/03/12 05:39 PM
Originally Posted By: HDW

I hope this isn't the case KISS. No one can contact your wife. This is an anonymous forum. Besides it appears she quit posting on her thread.

If you want to self improve that's what you need to focus on. And it has to be for your own self, to better yourself. To be a better man. That will produce changes that will benefit your wife and children.


Exactly. The MB kool-aid did not give me telepathic powers.
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: i want my wife back. - 11/03/12 05:44 PM
kiss,

Have you read these?
Good morning to all....(WS to other WS)
Joseph's Letter
It was an ordinary day here

I hope you can see what a true repentant wayward is like.
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: i want my wife back. - 11/03/12 06:25 PM
All the talk about kool aid.
My uncle was involved in the after effects.
He was in black beret and they were sent down to SA to tag and bag the bodies after they drank the kool aid. He said the climate was terrible. They were all bloated and it was a horrible time.

I don't know what KISS intentions are. But that kool aid event was by a cult leader. He wined and dined Carter's wife. She thought he was great LOL.
Posted By: Logans_Run Re: i want my wife back. - 11/03/12 06:44 PM
Jim Jones (a wayward) and the Peoples Temple and the mass suicide/murder in Guyana November 18th, 1978.

I remember hearing this unfold on tv and the mewspaper as a young child.
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 11/03/12 08:57 PM
HDW,

I am off today. I went this morning and worked out at the gym. I always have my phone just to be on this sIte. I don't get many phone calls and just mostly text. messages about the kids.

Tomorrow I Do work. Besides I can't go to Uchurch because of this order of protection.

KISS.
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 11/03/12 09:06 PM
HDW,

This is not the case I am trying. I am on here constantly, listening to the radio broadcasts trying to answer every question. some people you can't please no matter what you do or say. I wouldn't be here living on my phone and computer if I wasn't looking to improve myself and learn. What would I benefit from spending so much time here. ok so say I am "sighting" everyone! RQ is not a dumb woman actually she is pretty damn smart.sAve would see right through it. I want to learn and not be so thick headed.

Kiss
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: i want my wife back. - 11/03/12 09:33 PM
I understand you work tomorrow.
Can you go to an evening Church service at another church?
Until this order is modified or lifted you will need to find another church to attend. I suggest you call the pastor of your current church and ask him to refer you to another church during this time.

Think of your mind, body and spirit and ways to feed and nourish each daily.

Right now your priority needs to be sleep
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 11/04/12 12:05 AM
I don't know of any church that do an evening mass around by me. I did go.to the movies with the kids today and my little guy sat on my lap just like every movie we have ever seen and I fell asleep for probably an hour. it was great holding him. it was the best hour of sleep since we got a hotel together and I got to good them all night.

KISS
Posted By: indiegirl Re: i want my wife back. - 11/04/12 12:09 AM
Kiss, the radio show tasks have been a good start. I have another for you to do as and when it comes up.

The opportunity to show good/poor boundaries is a choice we all come across from time to time.

As you practice good boundaries, tell us instances of where you avoided bad choices or situations.

I don't expect an instant response on this one, just watch for the opportunity to show good boundaries and post when you do for feedback.

Poor sleep is a natural response to situational depression, the important thing is to work on the situation - yourself.

Get medical advice and sleep/nap when you can. You have lots to do.
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 11/04/12 12:26 AM
Indiegirl,

just a quick one. We had a bad storm in new York and millions of people have no power and houses were washed away from the flooding NY City is devastated but the manager that i sent the text message to a month ago text me the night of the storm that see got home safe. I did not respond then 10 minutes later she text me that she was having some wine and going to bed also that she had no power. I never responded. I got to work the next day and she sent the same message to 5 other male managers. What frustrates me is that I told het not to text me unless its work related. nothing personal at all. Should I tell her again or just keep ignoring the text messages?


I'm am learning just please give me a chance. I might not be the quickest but I guarantee I'm dedicated to this program and my marriage recovery.
Posted By: karmasrose Re: i want my wife back. - 11/04/12 12:30 AM
You should BLOCK her number. You do not need to be texting her for anything.
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: i want my wife back. - 11/04/12 12:35 AM
Originally Posted By: kiss
Indiegirl,

just a quick one. We had a bad storm in new York and millions of people have no power and houses were washed away from the flooding NY City is devastated but the manager that i sent the text message to a month ago text me the night of the storm that see got home safe. I did not respond then 10 minutes later she text me that she was having some wine and going to bed also that she had no power. I never responded. I got to work the next day and she sent the same message to 5 other male managers. What frustrates me is that I told het not to text me unless its work related. nothing personal at all. Should I tell her again or just keep ignoring the text messages?


I'm am learning just please give me a chance. I might not be the quickest but I guarantee I'm dedicated to this program and my marriage recovery.

kiss,

With what you know about boundaries, what do you think you should do?

If a male manager was texting your wife the same message how would you want her to handle it?
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: i want my wife back. - 11/04/12 01:01 AM
I agree with karma.
That is a personal boundary. We communicate our personal boundaries and then enforce as needed.

Regarding Mass, I didn't know you were Catholic.
I encourage you to consider joining a great group like the Knights of Columbus. You should also be explaining all of this to your priest. He can assist you. Reach out to the Church, she will help you.

You were married in the Church and marriage is a Sacrament. Is your priest involved in your marriage?
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 11/04/12 03:01 AM
Karmasrose,

I have to have her number for work. If their is an emergancy or an alarm issue we have to get in touch with each other. Also if we can't make it in we have to contact another manager to cover.

KISS
Posted By: karmasrose Re: i want my wife back. - 11/04/12 03:03 AM
And there are no male managers you can contact?
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 11/04/12 03:06 AM
Brainhurts,

I would want her to ignore them because they will get the picture. I have done this to other people and it does work.

KISS
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 11/04/12 03:07 AM
Karmasrose,

Their is one. In the store im in now their is only three of us.

KISS
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 11/04/12 03:16 AM
I am not catholic. I grew up in the Episcopal church and left when a gay priest came to our church. I got married in my wifes church witch is methodist. I have been going to church with my wife in a presbyterian church since last April. The priest that married us is not involved with us since the wedding.

KISS
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: i want my wife back. - 11/04/12 03:22 AM
Originally Posted By: kiss
Karmasrose,

I have to have her number for work. If their is an emergancy or an alarm issue we have to get in touch with each other. Also if we can't make it in we have to contact another manager to cover.

KISS


Then you contact a senior manager and complain that this woman is sending you private text messages after you have asked her to stop.
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: i want my wife back. - 11/04/12 03:24 AM
Originally Posted By: kiss
I am not catholic. I grew up in the Episcopal church and left when a gay priest came to our church. I got married in my wifes church witch is methodist. I have been going to church with my wife in a presbyterian church since last April. The priest that married us is not involved with us since the wedding.

KISS


I understand. Then I suggest you call the minister and ask him to refer you to another church. The church should be made aware Of your situation.
You may even find a room from a member.
Posted By: Neak Re: i want my wife back. - 11/04/12 07:38 AM
Ignoring those texts was a great start. Even if she diffused her stupidity by texting other managers, too, she's a walking train wreck. That was extremely inappropriate of her to do.

To report or not to report, that is the question. I think at this point a decent case could be made for either one. However, if (WHEN) she texts personal garbage again, I will be firmly on the side of reporting. If she is not stopped, sooner or later she will find someone with weak boundaries, and another family will be ruined.

This awful situation gives you a chance to be a friend of marriage and family.
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 11/04/12 10:20 PM
Today I really tried to fucus on my boundries around my female associates. I am working on being more serious and not the joking fun manager that everyone likes. I'm not that mean angree manager but I don't have to be everyones best friend either.I need to think that my RQis next to me every interaction I have and also think what would she think if she was here.

It was different because everyone can tell that something is wrong with me. I have everyone ask me constantly if im ok that I seemed weird. Today I do feel better. I didn't go on my thread to much as I just tried to keep the mind focused on work. It worked most of the time.
Posted By: indiegirl Re: i want my wife back. - 11/04/12 10:33 PM
Sounds pretty good. I remember when I changed my boundaries and everyone thought I had changed, but people get used to it. I'm as well liked as I ever was today, but by better people who have good boundaries themselves.

I can always spot a married man with good boundaries and while I would never mention it, I admire it.

Its an adjustment. Keep going.
Posted By: GloveOil Re: i want my wife back. - 11/04/12 11:00 PM
Originally Posted By: kiss
Today I really tried to fucus on my boundries around my female associates. I am working on being more serious and not the joking fun manager that everyone likes. ...
Uh, no, not everyone.

When those of us with good boundaries, who know firsthand about the consequences of bad boundaries, see someone in the workplace -- especially someone with managerial authority -- conducting himself or herself in a fast/loose way which treads across proper relational boundaries and reinforces culturally-accepted but inappropriate conduct that opens doors to the sorts of emotional attachments that can undermine marriages, it actually makes us a little sick, and we don't respect or like you for it -- even if we might not put our jobs in jeopardy by saying so to your face.

smirk
Strive to be liked by the people who are more worth being liked by.
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 11/04/12 11:18 PM
Originally Posted By: Dr Harley

extraordinary precautions

Whether your marriage ends up with success or failure will depend almost entirely on your husband's willingness and ability to make radical changes. His lifestyle must become absolutely transparent, holding nothing back. He is in no position to negotiate when it comes to extraordinary precautions, because those precautions are designed to prevent another affair and help you feel safe. He must also meet your emotional needs in a way that until now he has failed. Your resentment, defensiveness, and questions regarding the wisdom of staying in your marriage are all very reasonable -- unless your husband makes a 180 degree turn in his approach to what it means to be a husband. As your husband proves himself to you, your resentment will fade, and your questions will be answered.

I am realizing now that during my recovery with RQ I had holes in my side of the street. I really thought I was doing a good job of changing. I made a 90 degree change as far as meeting her EN's but I didn't work on my self. I didn't protect my emotional needs like I thought I was. I still talked to females at work, I would go out with my friends without my wife( Witch I never will again, I will not go to any kind of party even work related with out RQ, I failed to POJA a lot of decisions without her, I would be defensive when ever she questioned me about anything, we would talk about setting up our week for our UA time and we would both say to do it but then all the sudden she is cooking diner or im busy with the kids and we wouldn't get it done. This is on ME!! My fault I needed to lead our recovery and I failed!!!!! I am game planning for "that day" please God let me have that day. I know we could kill it(this means be awesome) if I get the chance.

KISS
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 11/04/12 11:39 PM
I am working through HerPapaBears thread on extraordinary precautions. Thats where I got the last quote from Dr. Harley. This is a great tool for anyone just starting recovery or a refresher for anyone to rethink their EP's.

SusieQ posted:

Steve said my H needs to review his EP list with me regularly (weekly) or so for the time being to assure me that he understands it and knows what is on there.

So for anyone in Recovery who is stuck, just wanted to share what Steve reiterated to me in our last session... He basically said his experience is couples get stuck in R when they haven't successfully complete the Protection Phase that I outlined above, that they tend not to do well in the Connection Phase (Meeting ENs/avoiding LBers) as the BS doesn't really feel safe.

Great point by SusieQ I realize this was another one of my short comings in my recovery with RQ. again my fault.

KISS
Posted By: SugarCane Re: i want my wife back. - 11/04/12 11:47 PM
As I posted elsewhere:

Originally Posted By: SugarCane
Kiss - you'd better not have been trying to reach your wife, who is in Plan B, via this forum. You're liable to get on the wrong side of forum posters if you do that. We've had a view that your thread is all about attempting to manipulate her even further. This will have a bad effect on your wife's view of you. Don't prove us correct about the manipulation.
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 11/05/12 12:34 AM
Gloveoil,

I did't mean that they where asking me about my change in protecting my EN's. It was because of my lose of energy and depression due to being away from RQ and my kids. Its been tough but Im taking advantage of the time.

KISS
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 11/05/12 12:39 AM
SugerCane,

Why do you say that is it the way I worded something or was it something I said? Please give me feedback. I thought in the beginning she might be checking on my posts but I truly believe that she is not looking now. I know her pretty well and I believe that I am not on her priority list right now.

KISS
Posted By: SugarCane Re: i want my wife back. - 11/05/12 01:14 AM
It was where you said it, not what you said. I didn't see what you said.

If I'm mistaken about your intent then I apologise.
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 11/05/12 01:42 AM
SugerCane,

I was on HerPapaBears thread about extraordinary precautions because I know that was my biggest short coming in my recovery with RQ. Iwas suprised when Igot to the end and seen her post. I did see her post a couple of weeks ago but Ididn't realize it was on HerPapaBears thread.

KISS
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: i want my wife back. - 11/05/12 04:55 AM
Kiss,

You are doing well with reading the various threads and listening to the radio show.

Did you sleep last night?
Did you eat good foods?
Did you call your church and ask the minister to refer you to another church durin this time?

Since you have a lot of free time now I encourage you to consider to rent (or borrow from the library) the series of Kung Fu TV series. (Carradine).
It's a thought provoking show that deals with issues like boundaries and such.
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 11/05/12 01:14 PM
I am going through my wifes recovery thread. I think this will help me see areas that I fell short in so I can focus on them the most. Is this a good idea? ro should I not be on her thread? I'm not going to post. I just want to see where I didn't meet her needs or fell short on my part of the recovery.


Originally Posted By: Rocketqueen

-Be open and honest to me at all times about past and future
(how do i trust him???)

HerPapaBear,

You must have a plan to sit down and discuss all the historical timelines about the A. When you are confident you have the truth written down, you ask questions again and again to see if the answers change or stay the same..... You'll know very quickly!
_________________________
tst




This is something we never did. She would ask me a couple questions every once in awhile but I don't think we ever really had that air it out and get everything out conversation. She knows pretty much everything but I think this would be a huge benefit to both of us. I really have tried to forget as much as I can but now with it just hitting a year from when this all started and really digging in to it little things come back. I really wish I could forget the four months from my life but I can't.

KISS
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 11/05/12 01:26 PM
HDW,

I slept about 4 1/2 hours on saturday night. Last night I slept about 7 hours. I do wakeup a lot and a couple times i was awake 45 minutes or so but I try to not think witch is very hard. I took for granted how great it was to hold my wife at night as I would watch tv and sleep on the couch often. I have always had trouble sleeping even when I was little. But holding my wife was my sleeping aid. Now I really realize how wonderful that was.

I am eating some yesturday I had 3 rice cakes and peanut butter for breakfast. Then for lunch I had a chicken ceaser salad and two slices of pizza. Then I had a couple of protein drinks theough out the afternoon then I had a Turkey sandwich for dinner.

I didn't call the church our paster lives about an hour away. I will talk to her on Sunday. Being new to the church I really don't know anyone really.

Working on me,

KISS
Posted By: JenniferVoyager Re: i want my wife back. - 11/05/12 02:20 PM
It would be much better for you to go back through your own thread, from page one, answer any questions you ignored, implement any advice you overlooked, and post your reflections on how you botched the chance at recovery that RQ do graciously extended. I'd recommend you leave her thread alone unless at some point in the future she invites you to it.
Posted By: Darkguy Re: i want my wife back. - 11/05/12 03:53 PM
I hate to be the devils advocate but I don't think your really changed. I think this is a simple case of "she's serious this time I'm going to do enough to get her back and revert back to a WH". If you are serious read the threads all the books and apply them to yor situation. Read the bible proverbs regarding adultery and apply it. Also, exercise it helps trust me whether you not of lift it helps relieve stress. Stop focusing on whether she will take you back focus on being a better person. Cause there is a chance she will not want you then what? Your angry cause you did these changes for her not yourself. When you sit are not entitled to be angry cause you reap what you sow
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 11/05/12 06:56 PM
I am the last couple of days really trying to focus the the me part of it. Our recovery I just thought that she needed time to get over it. I figured that if I did everything to to meet her EN's and was around her all the time that it would be ok. I didn't work on my recovery. I need to lead RQ recovery with the help of MB. We bought some of the work books but I never read some of the books that they tell you to in order to work the program. I am working on Surviving an Affair and How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda J. Macdonald. I did read this book back in April. But I deffinitly could us the refresher.

I am doing this for my self and my kids. They have seen their dad do nothing but cry about how much I miss their Mother.

I knew why I had my affair but I never worked on fixing me so it wouldn't happen again. I had the im in control of what I do so I just won't let it. Now i am really learning that I do need to seperate my self 100% from females. It needs to be the bare minimum contact. Work related and thats it. This is nothing that RQ can fix for me or help me with. I have to do it.

KISS
Posted By: Neak Re: i want my wife back. - 11/05/12 07:18 PM
Rather than read RQ's now-abandoned thread, just in case she would prefer that you didn't, you can accomplish the same thing by reading other BS's threads. You aren't the first WS to balk at aspects of R, or even the whole enchilada. You aren't the first WS to blow it and drive your BS away post-A. You aren't the first WS to have done ANYTHING you have done.

You won't be the first WS to finally get it and have a total transformation of your life.

So read your own thread, read other BS's threads, and you'll still learn everything you need to know for your own sitch.
Posted By: SusieQ Re: i want my wife back. - 11/05/12 07:24 PM
Originally Posted By: kiss
I am working through HerPapaBears thread on extraordinary precautions. Thats where I got the last quote from Dr. Harley. This is a great tool for anyone just starting recovery or a refresher for anyone to rethink their EP's.

SusieQ posted:

Steve said my H needs to review his EP list with me regularly (weekly) or so for the time being to assure me that he understands it and knows what is on there.

So for anyone in Recovery who is stuck, just wanted to share what Steve reiterated to me in our last session... He basically said his experience is couples get stuck in R when they haven't successfully complete the Protection Phase that I outlined above, that they tend not to do well in the Connection Phase (Meeting ENs/avoiding LBers) as the BS doesn't really feel safe.

Great point by SusieQ I realize this was another one of my short comings in my recovery with RQ. again my fault.

KISS





It's good to see you are taking EPs more seriously -- finally -- but you are sort of missing the point.

That being -- the whole premise of the MB program is that you view marriage as a relationship of EXTRAORDINARY CARE.

The fact that you were not following EPs tells me that you didn't CARE very much to make the effort to avoid doing things that hurt your wife (in other words, continuing to engage in thoughtless Independent Behavior, which is basically what led to your having an affair)

What other things were you doing without the enthusiastic agreement of your wife (IB) besides not following EPs? What other behaviors were you engaged in that were hurting your marriage? Be specific.

You have offhandedly stated some in this thread but I am not seeing that you are acknowledging how damaging this behavior was to your recovery or the changes that need to be made.
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: i want my wife back. - 11/05/12 07:43 PM
Kiss.
Many of us engaged in independent behavior.
I did my entire marriage.
In some limited cases it needed (cases of addictions or mental illnesses).

I'm not in a moral position to grab a whip and beat you until you confess and beg for mercy.

Personally, I think you should just focus on self
Improvement and not necessarily in the context of winning your wife back.

Seriously check out the Kung Fu tv series. It really makes you consider self awareness and your actions.

Focus one day at a time. You do need to have some time alone without your phone though. Go for a walk on a trail and leave the phone in your car. You don't need your phone or this forum with you everywhere.

What are you doing after work today? Are you going to try to attend a Wednesday night bible study?
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 11/05/12 10:33 PM
The other things that I was not doing without the enthusiastic agreement of my wife (IB) besides not following EPs were that I wasn't 100% honest with my wife about the early part of my affair. I thought that I would lose her and I didn't want to add more pain then she had already had to carry. I was wrong to due this as we truely never could work on recovery. I realize now that it was so wrong and much more hurtful on my part. I didn't do a good job od using POJA in our marriage. This was something that both of us did not due and it deffinitly put more stress and added love busters to our marriage. Another thing that bother RQ was when I was running late at work I wouldn't call her until I left not before like I was supposed I thought its only a half hour not a big deal. Why take the 5 minutes to call home when that just means another 5 monutes at work.

For RQ me posting and is very important. I have always been up and down I been good for a while then a would miss a couple of days. My excuss was that my schedule sucks and when I get home I would rather see the kids when I get home or spend time with RQ then be on the computer. Now I still work bad hours but I take advantage of my lunch break. I listen to the MB radio show when going to the deli and sit in my car andanswer questions on my thread. Also every once in a while I take a minute and sit in my office and spend time on MB. My time might be limited but I can squeeze in study time here and their.

My biggest opportunity is deffinitly protecting my EN's and this is something I am focused on. RQ has always said that I have done a great job of changing staying at work and meeting her EN's.

KISS
Posted By: Neak Re: i want my wife back. - 11/05/12 11:14 PM
Keep up working like that, and it will change you in spite of yourself. smile
Posted By: Pineneedle Re: i want my wife back. - 11/06/12 11:55 AM
Kiss, you are in my prayers. I sincerely hope you can become a great man.
Posted By: Neak Re: i want my wife back. - 11/06/12 03:56 PM
Of COURSE he can!!! smile The only question is...will he?
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 11/06/12 04:00 PM
I'm trying im trying to think about everything I do and how would it effect RQ. Every dession that I make I try to think what would RQ do or what would she think. Is their anything in this decision that could positively or negatively effect my wife?

WWRQD!

KISS
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: i want my wife back. - 11/06/12 04:07 PM
Did you sleep last night?
Are you exercising today?
Are you going to a bible study Wednesday night?
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 11/06/12 07:16 PM
HDW

I did sleep last night. it was probably in hour or two increments. I got to hold my son as we slept on my buddies couch. My daughter was their also.

Worked out yesterday. I haven't yet today as I had my kids and I had to drop them off and come to work 1 pm till midnight. I am going to go to the gym after work toning. Tomorrow I don't work till 5 PM till 4 am.


KISS

I haven't looked for a bible study yet. I work nights all week.
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 11/07/12 08:25 AM
I didn't listen to 11/5 radio broadcast till this morning. some of tha points that I took away from it was that the betrade spouse never forgives the cheating spouse. The betrayed spouse must get to the point of letting go and putting the affair in the past.

He also spoke about an affair is just like alcohol addiction . You need to get rid of the source of the addiction (the affair partner) and you need accountibility.

Miranda's call talked about her husband not meeting her needs. She has asked but nothing has changed. Dr. Harley spoke about motivation. He said that people are motivated in two ways: #1 prime motivator is liking what you are supposed to do #2 enjoy doing the things you are supposed to do. He said sometimes you have to motivate your spouse. If you do "X" for me I will do "X" for you.

The wounded spouse can never just close the door on his or her spouses affair and move on or the affair will happen again.

also Dr. Harley said the #1 thing to teach your kids is thoughtfullness. have your kids think would I want my brother or sister to due this to me?

KISS
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 11/07/12 08:59 AM
My question was on the radio broadcast today. I didn't make it on the radio but the read and answered my question. Dr. Harley said that I did the right thing to come forward with the truth. He said it was a little late but Its a good thing that I did it. He also said i disreguarded RQ and my kids feelings. He also said I need to give RQ the option of either divorce or stay with me and I will work the MB program. I will provide just compansation by being transparent, take Extrodinary precautions,meet all of her EN's enthusiastically,and I will be a willing partner.

This is good because it is exactly what I expected him to say.

KISS
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 11/07/12 09:08 AM
Brainhurts,

Is their anyway that you can post the radio clip from todays radio broadcast on my thread. My name I used was Jay and I mentioned in my email about my affair ended in march and we have been working on it ever since. I also spoke about the order of protection that RQ served me with.

THANKS,
KISS
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: i want my wife back. - 11/07/12 03:49 PM
Did you sleep?
Are you going to exercise before work?
Are you eating healthy?
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 11/07/12 04:18 PM
HDW,

I slept about 5 1/2 hours
I went and worked out after work. I left the gym at about 2 am. I am eating healthy I ate oatmeal, rice cakes turkey sandwichs, granola bars and my protien shakes yesterday.

I'm feeling a lot better over the past couple of days. Sore from working out so hard but good. Even mentally I feel a lot stronger. I rally feel like I have learned a lot. I have really noticed that all the things I feel I was doing right was good but my puzzle was missing a lot of pieces.

KISS
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: i want my wife back. - 11/07/12 04:29 PM
That's good. Sore muscles feel good and they are good!

Did you check out the Kung Fu tv series? It really helped me be more thoughtful about all of my actions
Posted By: SusieQ Re: i want my wife back. - 11/07/12 06:21 PM
Originally Posted By: kiss
I am going to go to the gym after work


The gym is a terrible idea for you, kiss.
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: i want my wife back. - 11/07/12 06:50 PM
Originally Posted By: SusieQ
Originally Posted By: kiss
I am going to go to the gym after work


The gym is a terrible idea for you, kiss.


Why?
Posted By: Pineneedle Re: i want my wife back. - 11/07/12 06:59 PM
A gym is a breeding ground for affairs
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: i want my wife back. - 11/07/12 07:07 PM
Originally Posted By: Pineneedle
A gym is a breeding ground for affairs


Okay i understand.
I think there are differences though. I used to be an amateur bodybuilder and now focus exclusively on running.
However there are two types of gyms. The kind that smell of sweat and grunts from men pushing weights ....,and the kind that offer child care and have aerobic and "tae bo " lessons.

The real bodybuilders like the first type and don't go to the second type because there is no time for BS in a gym. I consider them "Rocky" gyms.

What type is it kiss?
Posted By: Neak Re: i want my wife back. - 11/07/12 07:30 PM
I'm really glad you're starting to glimpse the missing pieces. Your missing pieces were so crucial that, without them on the board, the pieces you did have hardly mattered.

If you had a puzzle of a zebra, threw out all the black and white pieces (because they looked kinda hard to put together) and kept the rest, what do you suppose your finished product would look like? Pretty zebra-less.

It's so good to see you on here each day. Even if your motives are flawed, that's ok. By doing the right actions, day in and day out, you will change. By making learning and healing a priority, you will become better and better. For your own sake and your children's sake, never never never go back to where you were. Keep heading forward. Even if it's slow, keep going the right direction. You will not regret it.
Posted By: SusieQ Re: i want my wife back. - 11/07/12 08:11 PM
Originally Posted By: HDW
Originally Posted By: Pineneedle
A gym is a breeding ground for affairs


Okay i understand.
I think there are differences though. I used to be an amateur bodybuilder and now focus exclusively on running.
However there are two types of gyms. The kind that smell of sweat and grunts from men pushing weights ....,and the kind that offer child care and have aerobic and "tae bo " lessons.

The real bodybuilders like the first type and don't go to the second type because there is no time for BS in a gym. I consider them "Rocky" gyms.

What type is it kiss?


I think the only thing we need to know is if there are any women at the gym, period.
Posted By: Broken_Smile Re: i want my wife back. - 11/07/12 09:10 PM
Originally Posted By: SusieQ
Originally Posted By: HDW
Originally Posted By: Pineneedle
A gym is a breeding ground for affairs


Okay i understand.
I think there are differences though. I used to be an amateur bodybuilder and now focus exclusively on running.
However there are two types of gyms. The kind that smell of sweat and grunts from men pushing weights ....,and the kind that offer child care and have aerobic and "tae bo " lessons.

The real bodybuilders like the first type and don't go to the second type because there is no time for BS in a gym. I consider them "Rocky" gyms.

What type is it kiss?


I think the only thing we need to know is if there are any women at the gym, period.




In regards to the GYM and his recent posts...I guess the only question we should be asking Kiss and the only question he should be asking himself is "What would RQ think?"
Posted By: maritalbliss Re: i want my wife back. - 11/07/12 09:37 PM
Quote:

In regards to the GYM and his recent posts...I guess the only question we should be asking Kiss and the only question he should be asking himself is "What would RQ think?"
What would RQ think about what? Working out at a gym with women? Working out in general? Kiss has already demonstrated weak boundaries with women. He needs to avoid situations where his boundaries can be lowered again, and clearly staying away from places where women are lifting weights next to him is one way to do so.
Posted By: SusieQ Re: i want my wife back. - 11/07/12 09:44 PM
Originally Posted By: Broken_Smile
I guess the only question we should be asking Kiss and the only question he should be asking himself is "What would RQ think?"


I see the point you are trying to make...

But even if RQ was OK with the gym, he shouldn't be doing it because it is not a good idea for a married person even if they haven't had an affair -- forget a WS who is separated.

KISS, this is why it is a great idea to read through the different threads here and listen to the radio show. I have read about countless affairs starting in the gym here on SAA -- and Dr Harley has addressed issues similar to it...like married people hanging out in bars, etc
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: i want my wife back. - 11/07/12 10:16 PM
I disagree with the statement that a gym is a bad idea even If someone has never had an affair?
Curves is for women only. Is that a bad idea?
How does that differ from a gym where men go to work out?

I can see a problem with a "fancy" gym but a real gym? I've been in gyms my whole life and rarely see women in there. They don't like all the mirrors.
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: i want my wife back. - 11/07/12 10:18 PM
But Susie is right on POJA It takes both to agree to exercisIng

But in plan B I don't know if POJA matters because your wife left you. There is no joint agreement.

Did she approve of you exercising when you were living together?
Posted By: maritalbliss Re: i want my wife back. - 11/07/12 10:25 PM
I think Curves for women only is a fine idea. But I must respectfully disagree about women and mirrors: women who are maintaining an already fit body very much like mirrors. And they like to see the reflection of men looking at them in those mirrors. Which is what happens in co-ed gyms. It's a dangerous place for people with poor boundaries - or really any married person, as Susie pointed out.
Posted By: SusieQ Re: i want my wife back. - 11/07/12 10:39 PM
Originally Posted By: HDW
I disagree with the statement that a gym is a bad idea even If someone has never had an affair?
Curves is for women only. Is that a bad idea?
How does that differ from a gym where men go to work out?

I can see a problem with a "fancy" gym but a real gym? I've been in gyms my whole life and rarely see women in there. They don't like all the mirrors.


Huh? Isn't what we were talking about obvious? Curves is not a normal gym -- it's a specialty gym that is not even offered in many places.

I am puzzled by the point of this post...
Posted By: SusieQ Re: i want my wife back. - 11/07/12 10:44 PM
Originally Posted By: HDW
But Susie is right on POJA It takes both to agree to exercisIng

But in plan B I don't know if POJA matters because your wife left you. There is no joint agreement.

Did she approve of you exercising when you were living together?


HDW, I didn't say anything about using POJA in Plan B.

First of all, EPs & affair-proofing are not subject to POJA.

Secondly, kiss has posted that he wants to "change his ways" and hopefully win back his wife and give her the M she deserves.

Exercising poor boundaries is not going to help him with this objective. Nevermind that he is vulnerable to an affair given his history of poor boundaries and the fact that he is separated from his wife.
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: i want my wife back. - 11/07/12 10:46 PM
Kiss you need to be serious about exercise. If you are going there to talk to women then that is a problem.
You have to push yourself. Gyms aren't for playing around unless you belong to a sissy gym.
Some days I vomit after pushing myself running.
In the gym I sometimes couldn't walk for a couple days without feeling pain.

You must excel and constantly improve.
Please be honest in everything that you do. Strive for what is good and hate what is evil
Posted By: maritalbliss Re: i want my wife back. - 11/07/12 10:59 PM
Quote:
Huh? Isn't what we were talking about obvious? Curves is not a normal gym -- it's a specialty gym that is not even offered in many places.

I am puzzled by the point of this post...
AND Curves is marketed for women, which didn't support HDW's point. I'm not sure why that comment was made, either.
Posted By: maritalbliss Re: i want my wife back. - 11/07/12 11:24 PM
Quote:
Kiss you need to be serious about exercise. If you are going there to talk to women then that is a problem.
You have to push yourself. Gyms aren't for playing around unless you belong to a sissy gym.
Some days I vomit after pushing myself running.
In the gym I sometimes couldn't walk for a couple days without feeling pain.

You must excel and constantly improve.
Please be honest in everything that you do. Strive for what is good and hate what is evil
This is obfuscation, HDW.

I applaud your dedication to exercise - it works for you. Kiss' level of dedication may vary. However, regardless of his dedication to exercise, what must first be addressed is his dedication to his boundaries. No one has suggested (Kiss especially) that he is going to the gym to talk to women. We've had plenty of people here whose WS didn't go to the gym to talk to women and landed eyeballs-high in an affair.

I don't know of any gyms where people go to play around. I don't know of any 'sissy' gyms. They all have weights, treadmills, etc. They exist for people to go to and work out. They all have an inherent risk of inappropriate interaction between people in an atmosphere of achieving personal physical health, which can be attractive to people who are attracted to physical attractiveness.

Kiss doesn't need to come here and say "But...but...I went to that gym because it wasn't a 'sissy' gym! I never meant to hook up with the Nautilus trainer!"
Posted By: maritalbliss Re: i want my wife back. - 11/07/12 11:26 PM
Quote:
Strive for what is good and hate what is evil
Well said. This alone is advocating keeping him out of co-ed gyms.
Posted By: SusieQ Re: i want my wife back. - 11/07/12 11:47 PM
Originally Posted By: maritalbliss
Kiss' level of dedication may vary. However, regardless of his dedication to exercise, what must first be addressed is his dedication to his boundaries. No one has suggested (Kiss especially) that he is going to the gym to talk to women. We've had plenty of people here whose WS didn't go to the gym to talk to women and landed eyeballs-high in an affair.


Yes.

It is a common EP to not engage in RC activities with members of the opposite sex, one on one or mixed setting, without your spouse present. I have never heard it suggested that this EP doesn't really need to be followed so long as the person make sure to be "very serious" about the recreational activity.

There is an opportunity to mingle & have ENs (conversation & RC etc) met by members of the opposite sex = high risk for affair. It's really that simple!
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: i want my wife back. - 11/08/12 02:16 AM
What can kiss do that improves himself and is in complete isolation from women?
Posted By: HerPapaBear Re: i want my wife back. - 11/08/12 02:49 AM
HDW,

You're a great enabler!

Kiss never has to answer a single question or become responsible for himeself with you around.

You've encouraged him to sit around and watch movies and work out in the gym..... I NEVER had time for any of that!!!! I was too interested in saving my marriage.

I read every one of Dr. H's books and read them again while taking note, I also listened to all of them on CD again and again.....and spent every free minute developing my EP's/boundaries and learning how to meet my wife's EN's.

What can he do to improve himself???? Seriously! He can do what I just mentioned. Kiss has still never finished the first book yet!

Sheesh!
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: i want my wife back. - 11/08/12 03:03 AM
Originally Posted By: kiss
Brainhurts,

Is their anyway that you can post the radio clip from todays radio broadcast on my thread. My name I used was Jay and I mentioned in my email about my affair ended in march and we have been working on it ever since. I also spoke about the order of protection that RQ served me with.

THANKS,
KISS

Will do, as soon as they post it in the archives I will post it.
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: i want my wife back. - 11/08/12 03:03 AM
Kiss
Just listen to papa bear.
I don't want to enable any bad behavior
I'm sorry if I encouraged you to do self destructive behavior.
I wish you all the best.

People can change and you can be a great man. It's up to you to make whatever changes are needed to be the husband and father your family needs.
Posted By: JenniferVoyager Re: i want my wife back. - 11/08/12 03:23 AM
Kiss, I listened to your radio question, and it's a different story (again) about what happened before RQ left. So what's the truth?

Also, youfailed to acknowledge any of your problematic behaviors that we say again and again are harmful to your marriage and you just say "why?".

Go back and read your own thread post all the ways you've been wrong and how/why you should do things differently. I'm losing my interest when your story keeps changing and you alternate between clueless and defensive.
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 11/08/12 12:23 PM
HDW,

It's a planet fitness it has different areas. I go to just lift weights mostly. I am very focused on body building. I do not talk to anyone. I know some guys their but I don't really even talk to them. I quick hi hows it going. I am very focused on my workout. I am very intense. I work out with a couple buddies once in a while and they make fun of me how focused I get. I absolutely do not talk to females not even a hi. Thats not why im their. It's to get bigger physically and kill stress.

KISS
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 11/08/12 12:34 PM
SusieQ,

Their are woman their. I don't know of any gym that is only for men. I am not interested in talking or anything with woman. I don't look at anyone because they end up wanting to talk. I mean men or woman. I have a routen that I am very focused on and stopping and talking throws me off. work out with a buddy once in a while and we barely talk.

KISS
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 11/08/12 01:06 PM
Broken_smile,

It's funny you say that. I called my kids last night and RQ got on the phone. I said about everyone questioning if I should go to the gym or not. She said that she has never liked it. She had never told me that before. So I guess if RQ wants to ever give me another chance I will not be going to the gym anymore.

It is something I love but I stopped for a long time as when we meet I was in great shape as I am 6'5" at that time I was 235 pds and 8% body fat. I stopped working out because I knew it would effect our marriage the amount of time it took.


I did start back up when I started talking to my affair partner last november. RQ told me now me going to the gym has been a huge trigger for her again its something that she never told me. I think it is a big problem in our recovery was that I was scared to tell her the truth as I did not want to hurt her and I knew it would make me look bad. She wouldn't tell me her thoughts because she wouldn't want to bring up the affair or she didn't want to have me thinking back about it. I think that both were huge issues that held us back. I understand how hurtful I have been to RQ by not telling her every detail when we were in the early stages of recovery.

After reading on the first pages on RQ thread a couple days ago. I thought a lot about a post by HerPapaBear about me giving her a timeline of the affair. This is something I never did. So Monday night I wrote it out. I wanted to make sure she has been told everything. So I gave her a list of somethings she knew and a couple of things she didn't. I know that she is hurtng from it. But it's something I had to do. As I talked a family member a couple days prior about it. She said that she is getting new things that happened in her husbands affair that took place 8 years ago. She said how painful it is. I realized that I don't want to keep twisting the knfe in the wound of my wife years from now so I had to tell her. I am so scared to hurt her and lose her. But for us to heal either together or seperate she deserves to know. I wish I did this way back in the beginning.

Anyone dealing with a new affair out their please be honest and write down and reveiw a timeline of your affair. Please trust me. In order to heal you have to get the wound clean in order to properly heal the wound. I did not do this and it could cost me the love of my life.

KISS
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 11/08/12 01:18 PM
HerPapaBear,

I have His needs Her needs on cd and have listened to it twice. I just started reading Surviving An Affir yesterday and read about 25% of it. I'm working on them now.

KISS
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 11/08/12 01:19 PM
BrainHurts,

Thanks a million.

KISS
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 11/08/12 01:22 PM
JenniferVoyager,

What has changed please give details. My Email had a lot more info and they cut it down. I asked to go on the air and I didn't get my request.

KISS
Posted By: markos Re: i want my wife back. - 11/08/12 03:22 PM
Originally Posted By: HDW
What can kiss do that improves himself and is in complete isolation from women?


HE CAN STUDY AND FOLLOW THIS PROGRAM.

I must confess a lot of your posts (on this thread and others) have the ring of "There's nothing you can do, so work on yourself." That is extremely frustrating for those of us who know how this program works to recover marriages, when we know that there IS something that can be done.

There's a lot that can be done here, but kiss has had such low initiative in the past that now he needs to have superhuman initiative to overcome that. He will need to bury himself in learning and applying Marriage Builders, and he will need to be very patient, possibly for a very long time.

The last thing he needs is "You can't do Marriage Builders, so go to the gym and watch movies!" kiss did not lose his marriage for failure to be physically fit or because he needed to watch more kung fu.
Posted By: markos Re: i want my wife back. - 11/08/12 03:24 PM
Originally Posted By: HerPapaBear
HDW,

You're a great enabler!

Kiss never has to answer a single question or become responsible for himeself with you around.

You've encouraged him to sit around and watch movies and work out in the gym..... I NEVER had time for any of that!!!! I was too interested in saving my marriage.

I read every one of Dr. H's books and read them again while taking note, I also listened to all of them on CD again and again.....and spent every free minute developing my EP's/boundaries and learning how to meet my wife's EN's.

What can he do to improve himself???? Seriously! He can do what I just mentioned. Kiss has still never finished the first book yet!

Sheesh!





Fantastic post telling just what to do.
Posted By: Broken_Smile Re: i want my wife back. - 11/08/12 03:24 PM
Originally Posted By: kiss
Broken_smile,

It's funny you say that. I called my kids last night and RQ got on the phone. I said about everyone questioning if I should go to the gym or not. She said that she has never liked it. She had never told me that before. So I guess if RQ wants to ever give me another chance I will not be going to the gym anymore.

It is something I love but I stopped for a long time as when we meet I was in great shape as I am 6'5" at that time I was 235 pds and 8% body fat. I stopped working out because I knew it would effect our marriage the amount of time it took.


I did start back up when I started talking to my affair partner last november. RQ told me now me going to the gym has been a huge trigger for her again its something that she never told me. I think it is a big problem in our recovery was that I was scared to tell her the truth as I did not want to hurt her and I knew it would make me look bad. She wouldn't tell me her thoughts because she wouldn't want to bring up the affair or she didn't want to have me thinking back about it. I think that both were huge issues that held us back. I understand how hurtful I have been to RQ by not telling her every detail when we were in the early stages of recovery.

After reading on the first pages on RQ thread a couple days ago. I thought a lot about a post by HerPapaBear about me giving her a timeline of the affair. This is something I never did. So Monday night I wrote it out. I wanted to make sure she has been told everything. So I gave her a list of somethings she knew and a couple of things she didn't. I know that she is hurtng from it. But it's something I had to do. As I talked a family member a couple days prior about it. She said that she is getting new things that happened in her husbands affair that took place 8 years ago. She said how painful it is. I realized that I don't want to keep twisting the knfe in the woundof my wife years from now so I had to tell her. I am so scared to hurt her and lose her. But for us to heal either together or seperate she deserves to know. I wish I did this way back in the beginning.

Anyone dealing with a new affair out their please be honest and write down and reveiw a timeline of your affair. Please trust me. In order to heal you have to get the wound clean in order to properly heal the wound. I did not do this and it could cost me[s][/s]
the love of my life.

KISS



Kiss- I am glad that it matters to u "what would RQ think?"...BUT u were suppose to ask yourself that question. U were not suppose to ask her. U just violated the restraining order as well as her Plan B. I feel u have made a lot of progress recently but I am afraid u have fallen back a few steps on this latest action of yours. I hope u get back on track with this recovery and stop acting selfishly. I will pray for u that u do not wind up with cops at your door AND more importantly I will pray that u did not destroy any last chance u may have had at recovering your marriage!
Posted By: kerala Re: i want my wife back. - 11/08/12 03:45 PM
Originally Posted By: Broken_Smile
Originally Posted By: kiss
Broken_smile,

It's funny you say that. I called my kids last night and RQ got on the phone. I said about everyone questioning if I should go to the gym or not. She said that she has never liked it. She had never told me that before. So I guess if RQ wants to ever give me another chance I will not be going to the gym anymore.



Kiss- I am glad that it matters to u "what would RQ think?"...BUT u were suppose to ask yourself that question. U were not suppose to ask her. U just violated the restraining order as well as her Plan B. I feel u have made a lot of progress recently but I am afraid u have fallen back a few steps on this latest action of yours. I hope u get back on track with this recovery and stop acting selfishly. I will pray for u that u do not wind up with cops at your door AND more importantly I will pray that u did not destroy any last chance u may have had at recovering your marriage!


To be fair, it sounds like RQ herself broke plan B. I agree with the rest.
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: i want my wife back. - 11/08/12 04:41 PM
Originally Posted By: kiss
JenniferVoyager,

What has changed please give details. My Email had a lot more info and they cut it down. I asked to go on the air and I didn't get my request.

KISS

Did you give them your phone number so they could call you?
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 11/08/12 06:24 PM
broken_smile,

She is the one who reached out to me. She sent me a text yesterday. Then I was talking on the phone with my 6 year old son and then she took the phone and started talking to me.

KISS
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 11/08/12 06:29 PM
BrainHurts,

Yes I did give my phone number. It's funny on yesterdays broadcast they talked about how they cut down on the lengh of the email question they get.

KISS
Posted By: SusieQ Re: i want my wife back. - 11/08/12 06:35 PM
Originally Posted By: kiss
So I guess if RQ wants to ever give me another chance I will not be going to the gym anymore.


So we tell you the gym is not a good idea -- you are vulnerable to having another affair and going is not using EPs to prevent another affair. You acknowledge that RQ doesn't like it and that it triggers her.

But you are going to continue to go to the gym.

Translation: You are STILL not taking EPs seriously and STILL not willing to go the extra mile for RQ and your M -- only if it benefits YOU in some way.

It is this type of lackadaisical attitude that has gotten you into so much trouble in your M and yet you continue. I guess I should say thank you for letting me know, as I have invested too much time on this thread already.
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 11/08/12 06:38 PM
Yesterdays MB broadcast was about understanding the love bank. Withdraws and deposits how to build up your account.

What does it take to maintain love through out a marriage? You need to continue romantic love.

How do I get my spouse to work on our marriage? Make your love for him contingent on his love for you. He gave the example of I would make love to you if you sit down and talk to me for an hour? Don't just meet his emotional needs when he doesn't meet yours. Don't just meet his EN's unconditionally.

KISS
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: i want my wife back. - 11/08/12 06:45 PM
Originally Posted By: SusieQ
Originally Posted By: kiss
So I guess if RQ wants to ever give me another chance I will not be going to the gym anymore.


So we tell you the gym is not a good idea -- you are vulnerable to having another affair and going is not using EPs to prevent another affair. You acknowledge that RQ doesn't like it and that it triggers her.

But you are going to continue to go to the gym.

Translation: You are STILL not taking EPs seriously and STILL not willing to go the extra mile for RQ and your M -- only if it benefits YOU in some way.

It is this type of lackadaisical attitude that has gotten you into so much trouble in your M and yet you continue. I guess I should say thank you for letting me know, as I have invested too much time on this thread already.

You may have missed this because you were posting.

Did you see this?
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 11/08/12 06:52 PM
SusieQ,

I understand what you are saying. Even with RQ having a order of prtection against me and having no interest in me I shouldn't go to the gym right now? I do not talk to anyone. It is something I love to do. It does really help me right now as far as stress and killing some time. I have been spending 5 to 6 hours a day because I realy haven't had a place to go to and I have no money. I sit in my car at gas stations on the MB web site. I do put in a lot of time into learning and growing my self through marriage builders. Also I am reading Surviving an affair. I just see going to the gym right now as a mental break from the hell that has become my life right now. Witch I take full responsability for making my life the mess it is. I dont know of any gyms that are just for men. They don't make a curves for men that I know of.

Also I have a question RQ went to zumba in the past every week. Thier are men in that class. Does that mean that she shouldn't go anymore? It is something made me nervous in the past because I do know how their are people at the gym that are only their to socialize and they think its a great chance to hit on woman. What do you think?

KISS
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 11/08/12 06:55 PM
SusieQ,

I am working on my EP's. I avoid conversations with woman. I have been exspecially avoiding personal conversations with woman. I am working on protecting my top emotional needs.

KISS
Posted By: LuvsDavid Re: i want my wife back. - 11/08/12 06:56 PM
Originally Posted By: kiss
SusieQ,


Also I have a question RQ went to zumba in the past every week. Thier are men in that class. Does that mean that she shouldn't go anymore? It is something made me nervous in the past because I do know how their are people at the gym that are only their to socialize and they think its a great chance to hit on woman. What do you think?

KISS


I think that was covered in the radio program also.


And YES, if you do anything KNOWING RQ does not want you to do it is not a good thing if you are wanting to save this.
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: i want my wife back. - 11/08/12 07:04 PM
Originally Posted By: kiss
SusieQ,

I understand what you are saying. Even with RQ having a order of prtection against me and having no interest in me I shouldn't go to the gym right now? I do not talk to anyone. It is something I love to do. It does really help me right now as far as stress and killing some time. I have been spending 5 to 6 hours a day because I realy haven't had a place to go to and I have no money. I sit in my car at gas stations on the MB web site. I do put in a lot of time into learning and growing my self through marriage builders. Also I am reading Surviving an affair. I just see going to the gym right now as a mental break from the hell that has become my life right now. Witch I take full responsability for making my life the mess it is. I dont know of any gyms that are just for men. They don't make a curves for men that I know of.

Also I have a question RQ went to zumba in the past every week. Thier are men in that class. Does that mean that she shouldn't go anymore? It is something made me nervous in the past because I do know how their are people at the gym that are only their to socialize and they think its a great chance to hit on woman. What do you think?

KISS

What physical exercise can you do that doesn't have to be around other women?

For the record I talked to Dr. H about going to the gym (it was mine and my Hs RC) while WH was deployed. Dr. H told me not to go. It's a breeding ground for affairs because people are releasing those Endorphins while working out.

Word to the wise and find another outlet.
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: i want my wife back. - 11/09/12 08:18 PM
Originally Posted By: BrainHurts
Originally Posted By: kiss
Brainhurts,

Is their anyway that you can post the radio clip from todays radio broadcast on my thread. My name I used was Jay and I mentioned in my email about my affair ended in march and we have been working on it ever since. I also spoke about the order of protection that RQ served me with.

THANKS,
KISS

Will do, as soon as they post it in the archives I will post it.

Here's your call kiss.

Radio Clip of kiss's call
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 11/09/12 08:57 PM
BrainHurts,

Thanks you are the best. Thanks for the radio clip. Also as far as exercise goes I really love lifting weights. Their isn't much else. I am not a runner. To me its very boring even though I have worked into my routen at the gym doing the eliptical. I love lifting weights and getting big. Thier isn't anything I could substitute for that. My plan is when we or my plan was when we move to Florida to put a gym in the house. It would make it so much easier to not miss workouts and the time I would save going back and forth to the gym. Plus I could be more focused with no one around.

KISS
Posted By: black_raven Re: i want my wife back. - 11/09/12 09:51 PM
Originally Posted By: kiss
I have been spending 5 to 6 hours a day because I realy haven't had a place to go to and I have no money. I sit in my car at gas stations on the MB web site. I do put in a lot of time into learning and growing my self through marriage builders.


5-6 hrs at the gym? You can't be lifting for 5-6 hrs a day so what else are you doing at the gym?

And gas stations? Are there no libraries or churches where you live? Is this really the best you can do to learn and grow yourself as you say?

I still smell a pity party. Where are you staying?
Posted By: maritalbliss Re: i want my wife back. - 11/10/12 01:49 AM
Originally Posted By: black_raven
Originally Posted By: kiss
I have been spending 5 to 6 hours a day because I realy haven't had a place to go to and I have no money. I sit in my car at gas stations on the MB web site. I do put in a lot of time into learning and growing my self through marriage builders.


5-6 hrs at the gym? You can't be lifting for 5-6 hrs a day so what else are you doing at the gym?

And gas stations? Are there no libraries or churches where you live? Is this really the best you can do to learn and grow yourself as you say?

I still smell a pity party. Where are you staying?
You beat me, BR! smile Kiss, what IS your daily schedule?

Have you heard of Craigslist? You can find plenty of weights there that people are selling dirt-cheap. (I've already checked it out for you smile Set up a work-out room in your house. Zero gym-dollars, no women. Good to go smile
Posted By: Neak Re: i want my wife back. - 11/10/12 02:35 AM
Maybe I had a brain freeze, but I didn't recognize Kiss on there. I was trying to figure out if he was the woman whose husband wanted a 3some or the man whose wife was lazy and sullen?
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: i want my wife back. - 11/10/12 02:43 AM
Originally Posted By: Neak
Maybe I had a brain freeze, but I didn't recognize Kiss on there. I was trying to figure out if he was the woman whose husband wanted a 3some or the man whose wife was lazy and sullen?

He was Jay.
Posted By: JenniferVoyager Re: i want my wife back. - 11/10/12 03:06 AM
I listened to the clip too and I think they mislabeled it....that wasn't his show.
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: i want my wife back. - 11/10/12 03:11 AM
I don't understand why he used the name Jay.
Why didn't he use the name KISS or Gene Simmons?
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: i want my wife back. - 11/10/12 03:12 AM
Originally Posted By: JenniferVoyager
I listened to the clip too and I think they mislabeled it....that wasn't his show.

Ok I'll look again.

Thanks for letting me know.
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 11/10/12 03:19 AM
I was spending 1 1/2 hours at the gym. I was refurring to the 5-6 hours were spent in my car. On marriage builders on my phone. I just needed some where to park so I could us a bathroom. Yes their are libraries in my area and the churches aren't open 24 hours.

KISS
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 11/10/12 03:26 AM
Maritalbliss,

I would love to have my own gym but the house that we are staying in has no room. It has no basement or any storage area. We left a lot of stuff in our house that is being forclosed on and it was stolen. Stupid me I lost probably $5,000 in tools and so much money in baseball memoribelia.

My daily schedule varies. My work schedule is 11 hour days and they vary from 5am-4pm, 9am-pm or 1pm-12pm. it sucks. other then that all I have been doing is living on this site and trying to read.

KISS
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 11/10/12 04:11 AM
I took my lie detector test tonight. Thank God its over. It was a long three hours. I did tell the guy details that I didn't tell RQ. I told her that we where very physical but I didn't tell her to what extent. We started oral sex on two different nights and it stopped after a couple seconds. I never got excited from it. I know that this is going to be shocking to my RQ. I feel a relief that its over but I feel like crap because I know how much this will hurt her. I just hope that this gives her the forclosure to move on to start to heal. Now its just waiting to see what she wants to do. I will wait for my RQ forever.

KISS
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 11/10/12 04:18 AM
BrainHurts,

Sorry but I just got to listen to the radio clip and that was not my clip.

SORRY,
KISS
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: i want my wife back. - 11/10/12 04:22 AM
Originally Posted By: kiss
BrainHurts,

Sorry but I just got to listen to the radio clip and that was not my clip.

SORRY,
KISS

Yes, neak and jen told me and so I will look again.

They had it labelled as caller "jay" and so I will keep an ear out for it.
Posted By: Neak Re: i want my wife back. - 11/10/12 01:58 PM
Even if the OS really didn't go anywhere, the fact that you think that matters enough to mention is significant. When you're stabbed through the heart - AGAIN! - is it going to matter to you if the blade was 50 mm wide or 49? Probably not. The only thing that will likely matter is that you were stabbed through the heart. Again.

Is there anything else, not covered by the poly, that you haven't told yet? Trickle truth is the one single thing that can kill your dwindled chance of recovery faster than anything else.

Again, I want to encourage you to make the needed changes in your life for yourself, not for RQ. If she never comes back to you, I don't want you feeling let down because your effort didn't gain the result you wanted. If you do it for you and the kids, and because after how you have devastated RQ it's the RIGHT THING TO DO, then you'll see that it paid off no matter what happens.
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 11/10/12 05:31 PM
Neak,

Understand how devastating it is for her. I'm so tired of hurting Ra. The pain is unbearable. I can't believe I have devastated the one I love the most. I will continue to make my self a better person. I will continue to learn. Hopefully one day she will see the changes and at least be willing to talk to me. I hate myself right now so I could only imagine how she feels about me.

KISS
Posted By: NeverGuessed Re: i want my wife back. - 11/10/12 06:07 PM
The pain is unbearable. I can't believe I have devastated the one I love the most.

Well, it is most instructive, if unintentional, my friend, that your note constuction points to exactly the key problem in your mindset. By not taking the opportunity over the past XXX months to give RQ the information you had, RIGHT THERE, about the extent/timing of the oral sex sessions you demonstrated clearly that "the one I love the most" is....yourself.

Argue with me all you want, dude! But the fact that you gave precedence to your embarrassment, your guilt, your need to conceal, over her crying need for truth, honesty, and openness from you will rightly resonate for her for a looooong time.

Regardless of how "incomplete" the OS session you had with OW, in the final resolution, you blew it, my friend.
Posted By: SugarCane Re: i want my wife back. - 11/10/12 06:12 PM
NG:

naughty
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: i want my wife back. - 11/10/12 06:27 PM
Originally Posted By: SugarCane
NG:

naughty

I was wondering if I was the only one reading it, that way.
Posted By: Pineneedle Re: i want my wife back. - 11/10/12 06:42 PM
I'm sure it was not so intended, but I had to scratch my head.
Posted By: SugarCane Re: i want my wife back. - 11/10/12 06:50 PM
It absolutely WAS intended, Pineneedle! This is our NG we're talking about!
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: i want my wife back. - 11/10/12 07:01 PM
Originally Posted By: kiss
We started oral sex on two different nights and it stopped after a couple seconds. I never got excited from it.


No matter how much you try to polish a turd, you still have a turd. Why make it worse with stupid rationalizations like this? Why insult her intelligence by saying stuff like this?
Posted By: SugarCane Re: i want my wife back. - 11/10/12 07:53 PM
Did you ever have sexual intercourse with that woman?

Did the test ask you specifically whether you had had sexual intercourse with her?
Posted By: SugarCane Re: i want my wife back. - 11/10/12 08:01 PM
Remember that if you lie in answer to my first question, your answer is here on record. The only outcome after your lying in your reply to me would be divorce.
Posted By: Darkguy Re: i want my wife back. - 11/10/12 08:23 PM
Wow wish my WS would get on this forum! You guys pull no punches. Hopefully my situation works out and as does yours kiss. Just remember honesty is the best policy and put your BS first not yourself or your feelings your selfishness got you here your selflessness will save your marriage and make you a better man!
Posted By: Littlebit3 Re: i want my wife back. - 11/10/12 09:52 PM
kiss, I think maybe I am seeing a glimmer of you trying to let yourself become more open and transparent. I don't know you, but what I know of people who hide behind the secrecy that you have been hiding behind all of these years, is that people who do this have deep fear. Fear of failure, fear of embarassment, fear of shame, fears that keep them closed so no one sees who they really are. The problem with that is that you cannot connect to anyone, and can't allow anyone to connect to you. Marriage is about the connection, the oneness (and about so much more too.) I can tell you that as wives, we would rather you be real, humble, honest, show your fears, show us your weaknesses, cry when you need to, talk to us about your fears and shortcomings instead of playing the "pretend confident" guy that seems balanced and well adjusted who is living a complete lie because he isn't!!! To spend a complete lifetime with someone, there just can't be any of this cr$p that you have wrought on your marriage. There is no truth, honesty or security in that life for your wife (or your children.) Why would she possibly want to stay in it?

Also, you have been you "you, you, you", for so long, I don't know how much you can change to become less about you and more concerned with the feelings of your wife and children. Really, it is your job to make them feel loved and secure by being there, doing for them, spending time with them instead of doing something else. It is your job to give your wife strength when she is weak or had a bad day. Mom's and wives give almost everything they have to everyone else. We need our H's to shore us up. If you are only focusing on how you feel and what you want and need, how can you possibly fulfill anyone elses needs? You don't, they go unmet. They don't go away because you don't care enough about what they want and need over your own wants and needs.

Breaking your selfish, me,me,me, "private", secret habitual lifestyle is what you have to do. Can you do it? Can you just let the walls fall down and face your fears? If you face them,you will actually be able own them and overcome them, and they won't be the guiding force in your life anymore. You will feel better as a man and person and be able to walk with true self-confidence and a self-respect you didn't know you could have.

I really don't know how sincere you are. Words are cheap. Actions can be faked in so many ways. Habits, and fears that shape your actions are VERY difficult and sometimes, impossible to change. I hope you are not just playing a game to "win." What then? What if you do "win" this quest?
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 11/11/12 01:46 AM
SugerCane

I did have sexual intercourse after I moved out of the house. What RQ wanted to know is if I had sexual intercourse before I moved out. He never asked me that. He kept asking if we had any sexual contact. I asked him to ask me that but he wanted it to ask if I had any sexual contact.

KISS
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 11/11/12 02:27 AM
Littlebit3,

I want to be the husband my wife deserves. I want to take care of her. RQ has delt with so much suffering because of my stupidity. I am hoping that she wants to stay because she knows that we could be great and that I am going to but all my efforts into being that man that she deserves. I know I need to lead the healing process but I can't lead her recovery until I change and recover myself. I believe that I am changing. I'm listening to the radio broadcast everyday, posting giving my honest thoughts (even though they might not be correct)and trying to read when I can also. I do realize that I post a lot about "me" everything I post about what I am feeling is due to the damage I have caused my RQ. She is so much stronger then I am. Being on this side of the cause of the pain is very emotional and so hard. I couldn't image being on the undeserving recieving end of a cheating spouses indescretions and selfishness.

You are absolutely right words are cheap. Habits and fears shape my actions as I am working on a routen to make MB a part of how I act and think everyday. Im working on my EP'sas I am trying to learn how to interact and avoid situations with females. It is something I must keep reminding myself what would RQ think about this conversation or what would she think of this situation. I must change my habits. I watch other interactions with married men and other females. Or vise versa. Its amazing how many people lack EP's. No wonder why Dr. Harley says that 60% of marriages end up with at least one sppouse having an affair.

The fear part of it is hard for me. I need to be doing this because I need to "fix" myself not because of the fear of losing my RQ. I have realized that either way its going to make me a better and stronger person.

P.S. I do cry alot.
Posted By: Littlebit3 Re: i want my wife back. - 11/11/12 04:49 AM
kiss, As I read your response, I think the me, me, me and all about you, you, you, was more from the time you were posting when you and RQ were attempting recovery, before she stopped posting. Some lately, but I have seen a shift in you attempting to be more open, and at least articulating a little more of what we should have been hearing while you were trying to recover.

You know kiss, we all have fears. If you let them, fears can destroy everything. For that to happen, you have to let it. If you really think about it, what is so darn scarry that you would rather have let your life, morals and character go to he77 and a handbasket just to avoid dealing with and overcoming it? What could possibly be that bad? Regardless of what is it or when it is from, it will not ever or justify your choices to turn outside of your marriage. Fears from our childhood, grow and morph into something that now, you won't even recognize and was never big to begin with. If you looked at it from your adult perspective now, you would say, that's nothing. I have heard it from people that have overcome abuse, sexual abuse, that the worst has already happened to them. They don't want something in their past to control anything in their future. So, if they can get there, so can you. Face it. Own it. It can't hurt you now.

You don't have anything to prove. You don't have to protect yourself from your RQ in the ways you have kept your armour on. Your disconnect is probably a huge factor in your being lonely. You have just chosen to blame others. Seeking attention that feels good from OW, smiles, obvious responses from them that tell you they think you look good or are interested in you, is you attempting to fill your holes with self-serving instant gratifying, fantasy.

Many of us didn't understand that in the infatuation stage, you didn't have to do any work, it was easy, fun and felt amazing, Then, that wears off, and are left with the not so fun part. Then, the real work begins to nurture and grow the relationship INTO what it can become. It ain't gonna get there by itself.

You do need to keep working on you, breaking down your fears and walls. You should just be happy with who you are. Clean up your side of the street, do the right thing by people, be that man you look up to others for being. You can do that you know, no one can stop you, but yourself (fears.) It seems that RQ, saw past some of your "walls" and still loved you for who you were, and you threw that away b/c you were too scared to see what a beautiful gift that was.

What are those fears that shape and guide you? What can it/they do to you right now?

The more you practice selflessness, the better you will get at it. I don't mind missing a show I like to watch to be with or help my children. I could have much more down time if I didn't volunteer at Church or at school helping the children read. I don't focus on what I can't do, or what I am missing or get angry that I can't do what I want b/c... Really, kiss, it isn't just about you. It is about what the other side of your marriage has always needed. RQ had many needs that I am sure you didn't meet. Was she supposed to take on the "kiss" entitlement and have them met outside the marriage? Think about the liberties you took at RQ's expense. Think about how entitled you truly must have thought you were. Why? How did you ever let yourself fall to that mindset? Just some questions for you.
Posted By: HerPapaBear Re: i want my wife back. - 11/11/12 06:16 PM
Littlebit,
With all due respect, fear isn't the "why" in any Waywards adulterous choices.

In a marriage we can either choose what is right or choose what is easy. Easy is always a declining path.

Marriage Builders starts us down a path with a goal in mind.
It's a narrow path.
It's the right path.
Although it's a simple path, it's definitely not an easy one.

My first goal was to learn how to repair the damage I created so that our marriage could have a chance of reaching the next goal; learning how to fall in love and stay in love.

I never looked to my past for answers about how to move forward. I always looked at what I was currently doing and asking my wife if my actions were meeting her needs the way she liked them met. If not, then I improved my actions based on her replies and her needs......

Once my wife was through the trauma mode of my affair (time is different for everyone), she was able to recipricate by using the same processes I had implemented, the ones Dr. H outlines in all his books.

Kiss must read and learn everything he possibly can from Dr. Harley that will help him to help his wife through her trauma, regardless of whether she decides to stay married or not. He has this time available right now, lets see what he does with it. Personally, I'm still not impressed....

I'm doubtful that Kiss even understands that RQ's recovery clock goes back to zero every time a new piece of information about his adultery is discovered... Kiss has chosen to give her a death of a thousand cuts with all his trickle truth... And I'm still not sure all the truth is out yet.

tick, tock.....
Posted By: SugarCane Re: i want my wife back. - 11/11/12 06:19 PM
Originally Posted By: kiss
SugerCane

I did have sexual intercourse after I moved out of the house. What RQ wanted to know is if I had sexual intercourse before I moved out. He never asked me that. He kept asking if we had any sexual contact. I asked him to ask me that but he wanted it to ask if I had any sexual contact.

KISS

1. Did you have sexual intercourse with her before you moved out?

2. Does your wife know about the sexual intercourse after you moved out? (I take it she does, but I don't have time right now to read back through her thread).
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 11/11/12 10:24 PM
HerPapaBear,

I am moving past the fear and trying just to learn as much as I can. I have listened to the radio show everyday ever since Indiegirl asked me to everyday and post on my thread what I had learned that day and what was brought up that day. I have been on my thread constantly answering every question and saying how I think or what I'm feeling no matter how much I get called out. But that's what its about trying to get the guidance and directed down the proper path of self recovery.


I'm also reading surviving an affair. I should be done reading it over the next couple of days. I have the His needs Her needs on audio and I have listened to it a couple of times. what should I read next? I know I need to go back through my thread and answer all the unanswered questions that is definitely something I want to start doing soon .


RQ does have all the details of my affair. I realize the amount of pain I have put her through and the false recovery we went through. I was stupid and selfish for not telling her everything in March when we started our recovery. The trickle truth is devastating and has hit the restart button on our recovery.


KISS
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 11/11/12 10:28 PM
SugarCane,

I didn't have sexual intercourse until I moved out. RQ does know that and shehad known before we started on our false recovery in March.

KISS
Posted By: Scotland Re: i want my wife back. - 11/12/12 03:00 AM
Originally Posted By: kiss
SugarCane,

I didn't have sexual intercourse until I moved out. RQ does know that and shehad known before we started on our false recovery in March.

KISS


I don't know that it much matters WHEN you had sexual intercourse(BTW, OS IS Sexual intercourse), the fact is YOU ARE STILL MARRIED. The fact that you waited until you were asked to leave the home, by your wife, doesn't make it right. While you should most definitely be focusing on fixing yourself, you should also be understanding that you are extremely focused on YOU. I would suggest that every time you are about to write the words I or ME, that you think about your thought process, and what is behind that response. You need to be extremely honest with YOURSELF first.

WE see through your posts, no matter how much you think about exactly how to word it so we won't see into it, we will. And STOP focusing on what RQ is or hasn't done. Right now, you need to read, listen and post about YOUR shortcomings, and where YOU need to improve.
Posted By: Littlebit3 Re: i want my wife back. - 11/12/12 03:25 AM
Thank you HerPapaBear. You said it so much better than I could. My thought was to try to get him to understand that while things in childhood can happen to hurt us, cause fears and those fears shape us, that he should not continue to let those fears guide him. When people are shaped by those and guided by those it makes them very selfish. So, I was trying to get across that while some people know, most people are running from their fears, and don't know it. I know that when I finally understood the fears shaping and guiding aspect, it explained a LOT!!! Doesn't give him any excuses though!!!

So, between you and Scotland, you BOTH just explained what I was trying to say.

kiss, keep on. No wool over eyes or half-effort. This stuff you need to realize, own, face, work your booty off to overcome IS GOING TO BE HARD!!! You have gotten away with a very selfish mentality for waaayyy to long. So, keep working on everything, but don't ever forget that it is never just about you and how you feel. RQ and your children have their own personal feelings and needs that have to be met too. It is a fine balance trying to meet everyone's needs in the right ways. It should take most of your time. It is a lot of choosing them, their needs over our own. We are supposed to choose to give up those things that are not for the betterment of the family. We should gladly do that. That doesn't mean you can't have your own personal fulfillment, football game or a party, things you like to do. But, when your kids are little, most of that is put on the back burner for a while.
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 11/12/12 02:40 PM
Scotland,

I know that it doesn't matter because I ended up having sex with her anyway. The issue is that I always told RQ that nothing happened until I moved out. So I put a heavy and undeserving weight on her because she felt that her pushing me out of the house caused the physical part of the affair to escalate. Because I kept telling her that nothing happened up until that point. I didn't realize what I was doing by telling her that. I thought I was protecting her from more pain and saving my self from the embarrassment of showing how big of a scum bag i was being but what I really was doing was dumping all the responsibility on to RQ. I realize now the burden that she has been carrying for all most a year now. RQ has been undeservingly put under a stress that she does not own. i

KISS
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 11/12/12 03:10 PM
I just recieved an email from our mediator that RQ wants a list of my EP's so I figured I should list post them here as well:

My EP's that I have put in place are:

I will not discuss my private matters with woman

I will not have one on one conversations with woman in a secluded are

I will not let anyone have a chance at meeting my top emotional needs except for RQ

I will not go out to Bars or clubs with the guys without my wife

I will call ***EDIT*** every time I'm at work longer then I'm supposed to.

I will make sure I answer everyone of her text messages and phone calls as she is my #1 priority

I will never watch porn or any other inappropriote material



things I have done:

Blocking all communication with Affair Partners (AP’s)

Accounting for all of your time

Accounting for all money

Spending your leisure time with your wife.

blocked OW number from my cell phone

Take a polygraph

Wife has a copy of my car keys

Gave wife access to all cell phone records bank account and email





Things I will do if RQ wants me to sell my car and anything that effected our marriage before in a negative way(KISS pins)





Things i will do always:


EP’s are put into place to protect your spouse.

Protection = Care

EP’s are also designed to ELIMINATE the opportunity to have a secret second life.

A) I will protect my spouse and their feelings above all else.
B) I will not participate in any one-on-one meetings with anyone of the opposite sex.
C) I will not discuss my personal marriage issues with anyone of the opposite sex.
D) I will not attend clubs, strip joints, or any such establishment
E) I agree to use POJA as a basis for all decisions.
F) I will be open and honest with my spouse at all times about the past and present.
G) I will provide my spouse a daily schedule of all appointments and contact information.
H) If I need to make an adjustment to my schedule, I will notify my spouse of the change immediately.
I) I will make my spouse’s phone calls my highest priority by answering them or returning them immediately.
J) I will avoid all chat rooms, porn, member sites, etc.
K) I will trade phones with my spouse at any time they request, NO questions asked.
L) I will leave my phone accessible to my spouse at night/or anytime I‘m home.
M) I will commit to at least 15 hours of undivided attention with my spouse to meet each other’s ENs every week (time working together does not count toward those 15 hours).
N) If AP finds a way to make contact, I will immediately end the contact and notify my spouse about it immediately after.
O) I will install a keylogger, GPS, or any other tracking system my spouse may request.
P) Anytime I have the thought, “I don’t want my spouse to know about…….”, I will call my spouse immediately and tell them my thoughts.
Q) Anything else my spouse wants as a boundary.


I wrote some of my own some I took from HerPapaBear's Extraordinary Precautions thread. I have been working on everything on these lists as I want to be the husband my wife wants and deserves. If their is anything that anyone thinks I should add please et me know but I think I have covered everything. HerPapaBear is pretty complete.

THANKS,

KISS

Posted By: SugarCane Re: i want my wife back. - 11/12/12 03:29 PM
I don't have time to read carefully and comment just now - but please take her real name out!
Posted By: Neak Re: i want my wife back. - 11/12/12 04:53 PM
A couple quick thoughts:

Quote:
I thought I was protecting her from more pain and saving my self from the embarrassment of showing how big of a scum bag i was being


(Just restoring those to their proper perspective.)

You mentioned not viewing porn as an EP. Is this something that has been a problem in the past? Have you watched porn when RQ didn't know about it? What's going on with this? This is a potentially huge roadblock to R and a good M, but I don't remember hearing about it before.
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 11/12/12 05:29 PM
Neak,

It's not been anything that has been an issue before but a friend brought it up as a big issue in their marriage so I added it to my list. Also its something that was in HerPapaBears thread. So I wanted to include everything.

KISS
Posted By: Neak Re: i want my wife back. - 11/12/12 07:38 PM
So you don't actually watch porn then, and RQ has never expressed a problem with it - you're just being thorough?
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 11/12/12 07:57 PM
I have rarely. She has expressed that she has issues with it. Its something I do view as being wrong. It hasn't come up in a long time. probably 7 or 8 years.


KISS
Posted By: JenniferVoyager Re: i want my wife back. - 11/12/12 09:18 PM
Does that mean she hasn't complained in 7 or 8 years or you haven't viewed any in 7 or 8 years?
Posted By: HerPapaBear Re: i want my wife back. - 11/12/12 09:35 PM
Originally Posted By: kiss


Things I will do if RQ wants me to sell my car and anything that effected our marriage before in a negative way(KISS pins)






Why do you want to wait for RQ to tell you what needs done with the car or the pins?

These are going to be triggers!

Trigger = Source of PAIN

Eliminate all triggers = Eliminate all sources of pain!

You've got to wise up and get rid of these things. NOW!

tick.... tock....
Posted By: LuvsDavid Re: i want my wife back. - 11/13/12 01:54 AM
I agree with HPB here. Also anything you used as a "cover up" for the A will be a trigger.

My FWH used his Hobby as a cover for meetings..... IT IS NO LONGER HIS HOBBY!!!
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 11/13/12 05:57 PM
HerPapaBear,

Im off on Thursday and I'm going to see about getting rid of my car. The kiss pins are still at our house so as soon as I could get them I will be listing them on eBay.


KISS
Posted By: black_raven Re: i want my wife back. - 11/13/12 06:54 PM
Originally Posted By: JenniferVoyager
Does that mean she hasn't complained in 7 or 8 years or you haven't viewed any in 7 or 8 years?


Which is it, kiss?
Posted By: black_raven Re: i want my wife back. - 11/13/12 06:55 PM
Originally Posted By: kiss
HerPapaBear,

Im off on Thursday and I'm going to see about getting rid of my car. The kiss pins are still at our house so as soon as I could get them I will be listing them on eBay.


KISS


A step in the right direction.
Posted By: JenniferVoyager Re: i want my wife back. - 11/13/12 06:56 PM
Originally Posted By: JenniferVoyager
Does that mean she hasn't complained in 7 or 8 years or you haven't viewed any in 7 or 8 years?


Please answer.
Posted By: Northwood8900 Re: i want my wife back. - 11/13/12 10:20 PM
Originally Posted By: kiss
I took my lie detector test tonight.


What were the results?

Or did I miss that somewhere...

Don't forget the question about the porn.
Posted By: SugarCane Re: i want my wife back. - 11/13/12 11:45 PM
The rest of the quoted post tells us what he said, and we took him to task for this...

...but what we don't seem to have asked or had answered is the 'result', pass or fail.

kiss, did you pass all the questions?

Was there evidence of lying on any of your answers? If so, which ones?
Posted By: Scotland Re: i want my wife back. - 11/13/12 11:49 PM
Kiss, you've been awfully quiet. You're not gonna quit on yourself now are ya?
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 11/14/12 01:47 AM
Black_Raven,

It has been seven or eight years since I have watched it. I never watched it regularly. I have watched it since but it has been a long time. Its not something I feel a need for. My wife has done a great job of meeting my needs.

KISS
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 11/14/12 01:58 AM
Northwood8900,

I just got my results today. The questions that he asked me was:

1- have I had contact with the affair partner since 3/17 and my answer was no. That answer was fine.

2- have you had physical sexual contact with another woman besides your affair partner since being married 6/16/2001. my answer was no. He said it jumped a little but he felt I was telling the truth.

3- did you have sexual contact with affair partner before you moved out on 1/18/2012 Besides the oral sex you told me my answer was no. IT came back as me not telling the truth.

On the third question he was going to retest me as he said that the issue why I kept jumping was because I kept thinking of the situation. He told me that I had to have a blank mind and not think about anything as it does effect the test. I don't know how you sit their with all these wires on you and not put any thought into what he is asking. your mind is spinning the entire time. He wanted to retest me and ask me if I had intercourse with te affair partner on or before 1/18/2012. RQ said that she didn't want him to test me again she had the info she wanted.

KISS
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 11/14/12 02:05 AM
Scotland,

I am never going to give up. I have a lot of work to do.

I had my kids this weekend and yesterday as it was my Birthday. Witch was such a heavy day. Thank God I have the greatest kids they were so excited about it being my birthday so it made me do things and make sure they had a good day as I just wish I could have slept the day and just skipped it.

KISS
Posted By: Logans_Run Re: i want my wife back. - 11/14/12 02:08 AM
What about the money that was withdrawn and the missing check? When does that get returned to the family funds?
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 11/14/12 02:23 AM
Logans_Run,

It went back today. I had it put back this afternoon. The money will be available tomorrow. It was put back into the joint account. I let RQ sister in-law know today that it was in their I told her that RQ can use it if needed just to let me know what she is taking it for and how much.

KISS
Posted By: Scotland Re: i want my wife back. - 11/14/12 02:44 AM
You sent the message about finances through an inccorect channel if RQ is in PB. You should be sending these types of things through the IM. And, I have to ask, why does she have to tell you why she's taking the money out? Do you have to do the same? ANd how would you inform each other of it?

You don't view porn, ever? Have you viewed porn in the last 7 years? Last 3 years? Last 6 months? Since you and RQ separated? Porn is a HUGE issue in a marriage, and I have often seen that a WH will have turned to porn, before he ever considered having an affair. This is usually the starting point of the slippery slope that a wayward slides down as they enter the abyss. It's just odd for you to have included it in your EPs and then you say that you don't watch it anyways.
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 11/14/12 03:52 AM
todays radio show takeaways:

1-Affair is the worst nightmare of the betrayed spouses life.

2-BS needs to get away from triggers. Restruants, Buildings, even move out of the area.

3-how does the betrayed spouse make changes from how they were before the affair. Betrayed spouse needs to make changes also. Their aren't excusesfor the affair but their are reasons.

4-betrade spouse has the option for divoorce

5-if the betrade spouse decides to stay in the marriage he/she needs to put the effort into it thatis needed for change.

6-Marriage is more important then your finances.

7-traveling job is fatel flaw to a marriage

KISS
Posted By: Northwood8900 Re: i want my wife back. - 11/14/12 03:57 AM
Originally Posted By: kiss
Black_Raven,

It has been seven or eight years since I have watched it. I never watched it regularly. I have watched it since but it has been a long time. Its not something I feel a need for. My wife has done a great job of meeting my needs.

KISS


crazy

Ok, come on now! It's been since 2004 or 2005 since you watched porn but you've watched it since then? You ought to be in politics making word salads like that!

Look, man, it's not my marriage and I don't really give a damn what you do, but if you use fuzzy language with a bunch of strangers on the internet who you will never meet then you're going to have a hell of a time with your wife.

Just saying!
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 11/14/12 04:03 AM
I was talking to RQ sister in-law about the lie detector test so I told her that the money was back in the account. I asked her to let me know what she is spending it on and how much so I know. I have no access to the account and would like some idea what is going on with the money instead of me finding out that its all gone. Yes if I take money out I would let her know through our IM.

It has been a couple of months since I have viewed any kind of porn. The only reason that I included it was because it was on HerPapaBears list and a friend said that it is a big issue in her marriage.

KISS
Posted By: markos Re: i want my wife back. - 11/14/12 04:56 AM
Originally Posted By: kiss
a friend said that it is a big issue in her marriage.
Posted By: Littlebit3 Re: i want my wife back. - 11/14/12 05:14 AM
kiss, when you leave out things when giving the truth, they tend to come back to bite you in the butt. Why are you still talking to women? Talking to a friend, issue in her marriage. You need to STOP seeking discussion of any kind with other women. Stop getting any fix or approval of any sort, from any woman at any time. Become a monk for a while. That funky hairdo monks wear will scare the ladies away. Think Friar Tuck. You have to stop looking for anything from another woman. You should not have woman friends, period. Have you figured out why you keep doing this?
Posted By: JenniferVoyager Re: i want my wife back. - 11/14/12 10:18 AM
Originally Posted By: kiss
Northwood8900,

I just got my results today. The questions that he asked me was:

1- have I had contact with the affair partner since 3/17 and my answer was no. That answer was fine.

2- have you had physical sexual contact with another woman besides your affair partner since being married 6/16/2001. my answer was no. He said it jumped a little but he felt I was telling the truth.

3- did you have sexual contact with affair partner before you moved out on 1/18/2012 Besides the oral sex you told me my answer was no. IT came back as me not telling the truth.

On the third question he was going to retest me as he said that the issue why I kept jumping was because I kept thinking of the situation. He told me that I had to have a blank mind and not think about anything as it does effect the test. I don't know how you sit their with all these wires on you and not put any thought into what he is asking. your mind is spinning the entire time. He wanted to retest me and ask me if I had intercourse with te affair partner on or before 1/18/2012. RQ said that she didn't want him to test me again she had the info she wanted.

KISS


How come All the questions are just about sex and your affair? Hasn't one of the biggest barriers to recovery been your refusal to end inappropriate contact with women and lying about OS "friendships?" Did you come up with the questions or did RQ? And what other sexual contact did you have before moving out?
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 11/14/12 12:07 PM
littlebit3,

It's a family member.

KISS
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 11/14/12 12:09 PM
Jennofervoyager,

The questions were choosen by RQ and their was no other sexual contact.

KISS
Posted By: Littlebit3 Re: i want my wife back. - 11/14/12 03:50 PM
Originally Posted By: kiss
littlebit3,

It's a family member.

KISS


Thank you for clarifying. It would be a good idea to have him re-test. Is it too late? If he couldn't get an accurate answer, then RQ did not have the information she needed. That failed question is a deal-breaker. We can't feel safe if we think our spouses are still lying to us or holding back any information. You go the distance to make sure that RQ has the correct information, even if that means paying for the test again. Do it PRONTO!!
Posted By: SusieQ Re: i want my wife back. - 11/14/12 07:16 PM
Originally Posted By: kiss
littlebit3,

It's a family member.

KISS


What family member? Sister? SIL?
Posted By: JenniferVoyager Re: i want my wife back. - 11/14/12 09:02 PM
Originally Posted By: Northwood8900
Originally Posted By: kiss
Black_Raven,

It has been seven or eight years since I have watched it. I never watched it regularly. I have watched it since but it has been a long time. Its not something I feel a need for. My wife has done a great job of meeting my needs.

KISS


crazy

Ok, come on now! It's been since 2004 or 2005 since you watched porn but you've watched it since then?"


Please answer.
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: i want my wife back. - 11/14/12 09:07 PM
Originally Posted By: JenniferVoyager
Originally Posted By: Northwood8900
Originally Posted By: kiss
Black_Raven,

It has been seven or eight years since I have watched it. I never watched it regularly. I have watched it since but it has been a long time. Its not something I feel a need for. My wife has done a great job of meeting my needs.

KISS


crazy

Ok, come on now! It's been since 2004 or 2005 since you watched porn but you've watched it since then?"


Please answer.

Jen here is his answer.
Originally Posted By: kiss
It has been a couple of months since I have viewed any kind of porn. The only reason that I included it was because it was on HerPapaBears list and a friend said that it is a big issue in her marriage.

KISS
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 11/15/12 04:24 AM
littlebit3,

When I took the lie detector test he went through a questionaire asking me the questions and he asked on the question if I had sexual contact with the OW before I moved out. I told him that we had oral sex both ways but I didn't get excited and nothing worked. It was a couple seconds each way.
What I don't understand is that he asked me the question "Besides what you have told me did you have sexual contact with the OW before you moved out of the house on January 18th". He said that it came back as a possible lie so he did it two more times and he said that it came back with some deseption. He saaid that your thought process gives the machine a false reading and throws off your answer. He then asked me what are you thinking. I told him I was thinking about the situation he was asking me about. He told me to stop thinking. How the hell do you do that.

So he wanted to ask me a couple more quesyions about that question. He asked me if I was lying when he asked me the question about sex before january 18th. I replied no. He said that came back as the truth. Then he asked me do you believe that your thought process is what made the question about sexual contact with the OW before January 18th show possible deception.aid yes and he said that was the truth. So I have much doubt in this process

I offered RQ that I would take the test again because I was not comfortable with the process. She said no that she got the information that she needed from the info that I provided already.

KISS
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 11/15/12 08:58 PM
Went around looking for cars today. didn't find anything to exciting. trying ti stay in a budget is tough. I am probably going to bring my car to Florida and my sister is going to take it. she is going to take over the payments as she needs a car and can't get a loan. Now I just need to start hunting for a car. I think my best option is to look at some of the smaller dealerships around as the new car dealers have little if my price range.

I also called a marriage counselor today. I'm hoping to be able to go soon. I'm just waiting on a call back.

KISS
Posted By: Northwood8900 Re: i want my wife back. - 11/15/12 09:13 PM
Originally Posted By: kiss
I am probably going to bring my car to Florida and my sister is going to take it. she is going to take over the payments as she needs a car and can't get a loan.


If this car is a trigger for RQ, wouldn't keeping it in the family just "kind of" diminish the problem? Besides, what happens if/when she cannot make the payments on the car? Does it default to you and, by extension, RQ?

Family or not, if a bank won't give someone a loan then that should be a red flag.

I'd sell the thing yourself and be done with it.
Posted By: HerPapaBear Re: i want my wife back. - 11/15/12 09:47 PM
Originally Posted By: Northwood8900
Originally Posted By: kiss
I am probably going to bring my car to Florida and my sister is going to take it. she is going to take over the payments as she needs a car and can't get a loan.


If this car is a trigger for RQ, wouldn't keeping it in the family just "kind of" diminish the problem? Besides, what happens if/when she cannot make the payments on the car? Does it default to you and, by extension, RQ?

Family or not, if a bank won't give someone a loan then that should be a red flag.

I'd sell the thing yourself and be done with it.


I'd agree 100%


Kiss you are still looking for the easy solutions instead of asking yourself, "what is the right thing to do...."
Posted By: Scotland Re: i want my wife back. - 11/15/12 10:47 PM
Is this marriage counselor one that follows MB?
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 11/15/12 10:53 PM
HerPapaBear,

I am looking at it that if I trade it in I will get ripped off. I would rather give it to my sister in Florida as she doesn't have a car right now. We live in 1200 miles away. I will discuss it with RQ. I will do what ever she wants.

KISS
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 11/15/12 10:58 PM
Scotland,

I am not sure if he does or not. I haven't spoken to him yet. I just left a message. It is something that I will be asking him.

The counselor is someone that is recommended by a family member. She said that she really likes him and that he really helps them talk about their issues.

KISS
Posted By: SusieQ Re: i want my wife back. - 11/16/12 01:21 AM
Originally Posted By: kiss
The counselor is someone that is recommended by a family member. She said that she really likes him and that he really helps them talk about their issues.


Is this the same family member that I asked you a question about that you didn't answer? It would be nice if you could answer all of the questions...
Posted By: SusieQ Re: i want my wife back. - 11/16/12 01:22 AM
Originally Posted By: SusieQ
Originally Posted By: kiss
littlebit3,

It's a family member.

KISS


What family member? Sister? SIL?


Ignored. I would appreciate an answer.
Posted By: SusieQ Re: i want my wife back. - 11/16/12 01:24 AM
Originally Posted By: kiss
a friend said that it is a big issue in her marriage.


For the record, this person was first referred to as a "friend". This is why I don't think it is a blood relative and I don't think it's an accident that this question has gone unanswered. Can you please tell us who this person is?
Posted By: HerPapaBear Re: i want my wife back. - 11/16/12 02:40 AM
Originally Posted By: kiss
HerPapaBear,

I am looking at it that if I trade it in I will get ripped off. I would rather give it to my sister in Florida as she doesn't have a car right now. We live in 1200 miles away. I will discuss it with RQ. I will do what ever she wants.

KISS


Still don't get it, do ya!

Eliminate ALL triggers..... You don't give the trigger to a family member. Doesn't matter how far away they live....

The problem now is that you are demonstrating that you value your sisters need for a car more than you value your marriage.

It's the same thing over and over again with you. This is why your wife is in Plan B.... You're still not safe.... You're still making decisions that demonstrate how thoughtless you are toward your wife and your marriage. In your eyes, everyone else's needs are equal to or placed ahead of your wife's.

Now you're worried that you're gonna look bad when you tell poor sis that you might renege, AND/OR you're gonna make your wife look whacked out. Don't you see this? You keep creating the drama because you are still thoughtless in your decision making process....


Who cares if you take a bit of a loss trading it in..... It's worth it!

Do you see that just that statement about money, STILL places the money ahead of the needs of your wife??

Time is running out!

Tick, Tock....
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 11/16/12 02:45 PM
SusieQ,

It is the same person. I would rather not say who it is. I don't want to put someone elses marital issues on my post. I need to focus on my recovery.

KISS
Posted By: Scotland Re: i want my wife back. - 11/16/12 02:52 PM
Originally Posted By: kiss
SusieQ,

It is the same person. I would rather not say who it is. I don't want to put someone elses marital issues on my post. I need to focus on my recovery.

KISS


Trying to throw out the "I want to focus on my own recovery" cr@p isn't going to make us stop asking. There is a reason that it was asked. There have been MANY MANY affairs that have happened between family members that weren't blood related. You could at least answer if there is a BLOOD relationship to you. There is a REASON that SusieQ asked this question, and it was to point out that you still don't understand boundaries, which also means that you aren't safe enough for RQ to attempt recovery with you. WE ARE ALWAYS LOOKING OUT FOR YOUR RECOVERY. SusieQ wasn't going to suggest anything for this friend/family member.

And in regards to the counselor, I can almost GUARANTEE, just by the way this "friend" described the person that he or she DOESN'T follow MB. If a counselor doesn't follow MB, it is going to be a waste of your time to even go to them.
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 11/16/12 02:55 PM
HerPapaBear,

The biggest factor in me giving my sister the car and taking over the payments is because of our financial situation right now. If I take a lose on the car i will not be able to get another one. I'm looking at trying to buy a car for about $3,000. Any lose on the car comes out of that so if I get $1,500 less then I owe it leaves me $1,500 to buy another car. So I would be looking at buying a crappy car that will probably need work done that I wouldn't be able to pay for. My financial situation sucks right now. I will not be able to get a loan right now.

KISS
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 11/16/12 03:03 PM
Notes from 9/14 radio show:

People can become a serial cheater. They get the excitement out of the thrill of the chase. Then they get bored and move on to the next affair partner.

POJA in relation to step children.A step child can be more important then the new husband/wife. Step parents should not disapline their step child. You have to make the child enthusiastic about the marriage. 85% of these marriages fail.

KISS
Posted By: Scotland Re: i want my wife back. - 11/16/12 03:13 PM
Originally Posted By: kiss
HerPapaBear,

The biggest factor in me giving my sister the car and taking over the payments is because of our financial situation right now. If I take a lose on the car i will not be able to get another one. I'm looking at trying to buy a car for about $3,000. Any lose on the car comes out of that so if I get $1,500 less then I owe it leaves me $1,500 to buy another car. So I would be looking at buying a crappy car that will probably need work done that I wouldn't be able to pay for. My financial situation sucks right now. I will not be able to get a loan right now.

KISS


They have public transit where you live, right?
Posted By: Northwood8900 Re: i want my wife back. - 11/16/12 03:32 PM
Originally Posted By: kiss
SusieQ,

It is the same person. I would rather not say who it is.


Why not? Is it because you assume that RQ is reading this and that she wouldn't approve?
Posted By: SusieQ Re: i want my wife back. - 11/16/12 05:20 PM
Originally Posted By: Scotland
Originally Posted By: kiss
SusieQ,

It is the same person. I would rather not say who it is. I don't want to put someone elses marital issues on my post. I need to focus on my recovery.

KISS


Trying to throw out the "I want to focus on my own recovery" cr@p isn't going to make us stop asking. There is a reason that it was asked. There have been MANY MANY affairs that have happened between family members that weren't blood related. You could at least answer if there is a BLOOD relationship to you. There is a REASON that SusieQ asked this question, and it was to point out that you still don't understand boundaries, which also means that you aren't safe enough for RQ to attempt recovery with you. WE ARE ALWAYS LOOKING OUT FOR YOUR RECOVERY. SusieQ wasn't going to suggest anything for this friend/family member.

And in regards to the counselor, I can almost GUARANTEE, just by the way this "friend" described the person that he or she DOESN'T follow MB. If a counselor doesn't follow MB, it is going to be a waste of your time to even go to them.


Exactly!

But kiss will just some crumbs of a post at you in response...and just keep doing what he wants to do!
Posted By: SusieQ Re: i want my wife back. - 11/16/12 05:25 PM
Originally Posted By: kiss
SusieQ,

It is the same person. I would rather not say who it is. I don't want to put someone elses marital issues on my post. I need to focus on my recovery.

KISS



You can answer blood relative or non-blood relative.

These games don't work here, kiss.
Posted By: LGLGreturns Re: i want my wife back. - 11/16/12 05:36 PM
Originally Posted By: Northwood8900
Why not? Is it because you assume that RQ is reading this and that she wouldn't approve?

Northwood,
I have been trying to follow this post but can't find BS username anywhere. Just RQ.
Posted By: Northwood8900 Re: i want my wife back. - 11/16/12 07:26 PM
Originally Posted By: LGLGreturns

I have been trying to follow this post but can't find BS username anywhere. Just RQ.


Sorry, I guess the acronyms can get out of hand!

His wife is Rocketqueen. She had a thread but it's locked now.
Posted By: Neak Re: i want my wife back. - 11/17/12 12:29 AM
No one here is asking for your family member's name. You could tell us the actual relationship, and NOT ONE SINGLE ONE OF US would have any teeniest clue whatsoever who this person was.

No one here has asked to share any information with this "friend"/"family member".

The hoops you're jumping through to avoid a simple question that compromises NO ONE'S identity are very telling. There is a reason you're hiding this, and past experience would lead me to believe it benefits you.
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 11/17/12 05:30 AM
Scotland,

No thier isn't public tansportation. The only thing would be a taxi and your probably talking $30-$40 each way to and from work. You have to have a car where I live it's not a city.

KISS
Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 11/17/12 05:39 AM
It is crazy that something so meaningless has taken over my thread. It is my wifes brothers wife. That RQ asked me to talk to her and give her some insight on what I was thinking and going through in my affair. So maybe it will give her some guidance and help her connect with her husband.

Can we now move on

THANKS,
KISS
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: i want my wife back. - 11/17/12 05:43 AM
It is inappropriate to speak intimately with members of the opposite sex.
It is okay to talk to a man about marriage problems.
But not a woman.
That is how affairs start.
They talk about this on the radio show all the time.


If your wife asked you to talk to her brothers wife then you should politely decline and suggest you speak to her as a couple.

Posted By: no_where_to_go Re: i want my wife back. - 11/17/12 06:19 AM
She is a family member going through a rough time. She has been a huge supporter of my wife and mine. I owe her so much. I refuse to turn by back on her situation. I'm not an expert but I have been learning a lot.

Sorry Jedi but I will not let her be brought down by the dark side

KISS
Posted By: reading Re: i want my wife back. - 11/17/12 07:08 AM
Then if you won't turn your back on her......never meet or speak with her one on one and alone. Always have someone like your wife with you while you speak with your wife's brother's wife.

That is the way to go.

If you don't like that idea.....uh......you are already headed for a bad scene. You are playing with

f i r e
Posted By: JenniferVoyager Re: i want my wife back. - 11/17/12 08:37 AM
You are violating the EPs you just said you were going to follow. It is your responsibility to protect your marriage, not to be a knight in shining armor and save someone else's. Doing so meets intimate emotional needs, and leads to love bank deposits for both of you.

Why, kiss, do you still not get the basic concepts????
Posted By: Caracal Re: i want my wife back. - 11/17/12 09:10 AM
Originally Posted By: kiss
She is a family member going through a rough time. She has been a huge supporter of my wife and mine. I owe her so much. I refuse to turn by back on her situation. I'm not an expert but I have been learning a lot.

Sorry Jedi but I will not let her be brought down by the dark side

KISS

I am not even going to go into the EP's and basic concepts you are going against with this. I think you know this, and I am sure others will challenge you on it.

However, by allowing (and encouraging) your BIL's wife to dicuss her marriage with a member of the opposite sex, you are not educating her on MB concepts.

In fact, you are helping her join the dark side.

I was asked by a friend to speak to her WH shortly into Plan B. I did, but I made clear to both this was a once off, and the reasons why. They both understood... it was the reason the A started in the first place... because WH trolled for an A by talking about his M with a member of the opposite sex. I made sure I kept my boundaries VERY high.

If you must try to save someone elses' marriage when you don't seem to be giving it your all to save your own, do it with your BIL present.

If you won't, well, this KISA deal is meeting EN's of yours and you are trolling for another A.
Posted By: Scotland Re: i want my wife back. - 11/17/12 10:41 AM
Kiss, you are supposed to protect you LB from ANYONE who yolu could POTENTIALLY have an affair with. Your wife's SIL is absolutely someone whom you should steer clear of. There have been MANY MANY affairs, on this board alone with "family members". YOU CAN FALL IN LOVE WITH ANYONE THAT YOU ALLOW TO FILL YOUR LB.

If you don't believe us, when you speak to DrH, why don't you ask him. The fact that you didn't realize that, after being here for so long, speaks VOLUMES for how seriously you take this. Do you honestly believe that MB is the best way to save your marriage? Do you believe that following MB to the letter will allow a couple to have a loving, fulfilling and romantic marriage, for life?

And stop trying to throw responsibility of your actions off on RQ. You blamed you speaking to your wife's SIL on your wife, saying that she asked you to speak to her. Okay, I can see that, BUT IT ISN'T THE RIGHT THING TO DO. You won't be abandoning her, point her to this site, or encourage her to talk to WOMEN. How much do you think it will help YOUR marriage, and HER marriage when the 2 of you fall in love? How would that scenario look in the future? RQ would not be able to attend family functions, including weddings, and funerals. This would have a GIANT impact. But once again, you are putting someone else above your marriage.
Posted By: TheRoad Re: i want my wife back. - 11/17/12 12:32 PM
Originally Posted By: kiss
It is crazy that something so meaningless has taken over my thread. It is my wifes brothers wife. That RQ asked me to talk to her and give her some insight on what I was thinking and going through in my affair. So maybe it will give her some guidance and help her connect with her husband.

Can we now move on

THANKS,
KISS
Originally Posted By: Jedi_Knight
It is inappropriate to speak intimately with members of the opposite sex.
It is okay to talk to a man about marriage problems.
But not a woman.
That is how affairs start.
They talk about this on the radio show all the time.


If your wife asked you to talk to her brothers wife then you should politely decline and suggest you speak to her as a couple.

Originally Posted By: reading
Then if you won't turn your back on her......never meet or speak with her one on one and alone. Always have someone like your wife with you while you speak with your wife's brother's wife.

That is the way to go.

If you don't like that idea.....uh......you are already headed for a bad scene. You are playing with

f i r e
Originally Posted By: JenniferVoyager
You are violating the EPs you just said you were going to follow. It is your responsibility to protect your marriage, not to be a knight in shining armor and save someone else's. Doing so meets intimate emotional needs, and leads to love bank deposits for both of you.

Why, kiss, do you still not get the basic concepts????
Originally Posted By: Scotland
Kiss, you are supposed to protect you LB from ANYONE who yolu could POTENTIALLY have an affair with. Your wife's SIL is absolutely someone whom you should steer clear of. There have been MANY MANY affairs, on this board alone with "family members". YOU CAN FALL IN LOVE WITH ANYONE THAT YOU ALLOW TO FILL YOUR LB.

If you don't believe us, when you speak to DrH, why don't you ask him. The fact that you didn't realize that, after being here for so long, speaks VOLUMES for how seriously you take this. Do you honestly believe that MB is the best way to save your marriage? Do you believe that following MB to the letter will allow a couple to have a loving, fulfilling and romantic marriage, for life?

And stop trying to throw responsibility of your actions off on RQ. You blamed you speaking to your wife's SIL on your wife, saying that she asked you to speak to her. Okay, I can see that, BUT IT ISN'T THE RIGHT THING TO DO. You won't be abandoning her, point her to this site, or encourage her to talk to WOMEN. How much do you think it will help YOUR marriage, and HER marriage when the 2 of you fall in love? How would that scenario look in the future? RQ would not be able to attend family functions, including weddings, and funerals. This would have a GIANT impact. But once again, you are putting someone else above your marriage.


Do you still think it is ok to talk marriage problems one on one with the opposite sex?

Do you now think for these opposite sex talks your wife must be present?
Posted By: HerPapaBear Re: i want my wife back. - 11/17/12 03:09 PM
Originally Posted By: kiss
It is crazy that something so meaningless has taken over my thread.




Discussing EP's is NOT meaningless.

Discussing the Elimination of Independent Behavior is NOT meaningless.

Discussing the elimination of Triggers is NOT meaningless.


Originally Posted By: Kiss

Can we now move on


Having an honest discussion, where you don't trickle the answers, is how you get to a point that you can move on to other topics.

You have a habit of dishonesty and trickle truth..... You need to answer questions clearly and honestly if you wish to make progress. Capish!
Posted By: JenniferVoyager