Lots of BSs over the years on this forum, have taken the MB advice to go into Plan B when the affair is still active or it has ended, but the spouse won't prevent a recurrance or future affairs by refusing to do full recovery.

There are many who seem to go into Plan B happily enough, but three common factors appear to make them break their plan.

1)They expect it to be temporary and for the wayward spouse to be on bended knee in under a month.
2) Withdrawal from their beloved spouse is too painful and they give in to temptation
3) They are not prepared to be ambushed by the WS and they let the ambush knock them down.

Anybody going into Plan B needs to understand that they will go through a short period of withdrawal and longing for their WS. It is painful but TEMPORARY and it will not hurt as much as an FR which is where they were headed before.

1)They expect it to be temporary and for the wayward spouse to be on bended knee in under a month.
This is quite simply an unrealistic expectation. Addiction cannot not be blown away like dandelion seeds.

Yes, there are many affairs that bust up easily and spouses who become repentant easily, but some addictions are more entrenched than others.

If your Plan A did not give a full result, then Plan B is needed. Plan B usually takes time, because the affair has to either bust up entirely or the serial cheat has to see how pitiful his lifestyle is, over time.

Thanks for this Indie! I'm afraid of #3 even though WH is halfway across the country. Must be worlds more difficult to live near the WS.

2) Withdrawal from their beloved spouse is too painful and they give in to temptation
Having experienced this you have my sympathy. But giving in and breaking your plan IS NOT AN OPTION.

Proper preparation will help you prepare for this pitfall, and avoid it.

If you become tempted to call/text/phone/email or spy on your WH (yes that's right, dismantle those spying tools IMMEDIATELY) call a friend or relative to come over and help keep you accountable.

Posting on here should also give you some support too.

And remember three things.

1) Withdrawal is TEMPORARY - it ebbs away sooner than you think.
2) A FR is much MUCH more painful
3) All the WS has to do is agree to your conditions. They cannot be in as much pain as you if they do not.

3) They are not prepared to be ambushed by the WS and they let the ambush knock them down.


Ah Hoping, I am afraid you are not safe from ambush. Where there are delivery florists, mailmen, planes, cars and friends of the WS, there is the possibility of an ambush.

But a Plan Ber should be prepared for all types. ESPECIALLY those I hear you saying the following.


MY WAYWARD DOES NOT LOVE ME ANY MORE AND DOES NOT CARE. MY WAYWARD WILL NOT BOTHER TO AMBUSH ME.

Ah but Waywards are liars. Plus an ambush is not a sign of love, but control. All waywards hate Plan B with a passion and will refuse to use the intermediary. And then they will ambush you. If you allow contact of any kind, they will never use the intermediary or agree to your conditions. And then they will use the ambush to try to talk you into either an FR or into being divorce buddies.

Ambush preparation involves asking yourself questions:

What would you do if the wayward showed up on your doorstep or bombarded friends and family with messages?

I suggest telling all of them to not pass on messages, not give you news, not mention their name. Tell them its too painful. Remind them you have given the wayward a way to contact you.

What if the Wayward knocks on the door?

Dont answer the door. If you do accidentally, close the door and tell them to contact your IM. Call the police if the wayward begins to harrass you.

What if they mail/deliver the ambush?

Steel yourself to throw away handritten letters away unread, (very hard) delete texts or emails unread (but having changed your contact details, this is the very unlikely and will only happen if your contact details are passed on somehow)

What if they show up at work?

Tell your security you're being hassled. If its in the car park, return to the building to do this.

What if I see them in a restaurant or at a social event?
Leave. Wordlessly
Think of all ambush attempts and prepare for it.

All Unrepentant Waywards would much rather pit their brains against you and catch you unawares than simply work with you and your IM.

SIMPLIFY YOUR PLAN B:

Never consider the waywards feelings, finances or living conditions in any way. Total separation is required in Plan B.

Dont worry about 'being fair' to the wayward in Plan B. Fair warning was given in Plan A that you would not be their friend or support continued adultery.

Get rid of pictures, romantic gifts, any triggers that urge you to call them. Pack them away.

Block them on FB or other networking sites. If you cant block them (Twitter/blogs) then stop using that site.

Dont allow any gossip about the wayward to reach your ears

Dont snoop on the wayward.


Dont sit around daydreaming about the wayward. This one is tough. Aim to do it less and less after a grieving period has passed.

Make your Plan B ALL ABOUT YOU! See things, do things, learn new things. Make every day an adventure and shape a wonderful fulfilling new life that will either take you through divorce or show everyone how silly that wayward was to risk losing you.

Oh my did I need this!!! You wrote this up for me didn't you, indiegirl? LoL! You might as well have. Finalizig PB preparations (second-guessing myself a little bit) and boy did I need this!

I'm definitely one that thinks
Setting myself up to accept contact, aren't I? Oh yeah! B/c that phrase then pushes me to think that if (WHEN) WS does contact me, it must be b/c he loves me so much! And I would be ecstatic to hear from him. Until I let the following information sink in.



Ding-Ding-Ding!!! Pastor already keeps telling me how much he loves me and wants us back together. He says it, texts it, tells others to tell me it ALL. THE. TIME. But he refuses to write a NCL! ("I've already ended all contact so there's no need to write a letter" he says). I have to remember HE IS A LIAR.

That being said, how/when is the best way for a BS to come out of Plan B? I assume the WS will need to contact the IM saying they are ready to meet conditions for recovery outlined in the PBL, but then what? Do WS & BS meet up to discuss the recovery or continue using the IM? (Not really thinking I'll make it that far, but better ask. Yaneverknow!)

And if WS continues down wayward path, does BS stay dark PB even when filing for divorce or separation?

Glad to help Whip!



If you read the Intermediary Training School thread (your IM will need to, if it is a RL person) you will see the IM must ask the wayward what 'their plan for recovery/ tokeep the BS safe is'

The IM then presents the plan to the BS, if it is good enough for her, then the WS gets to work making an affair proof marriage for her.

Its pretty easy to see when people are not serious, as you yourself have discovered in your own negotiations!

In your Plan A, you should have warned him that you will not be his divorce buddy or meet any needs, like affection, on the side.

With that in mind, why would you ever want to be in contact ever again if he stays wayward?

I did warn him about the things you mentioned. He was very concerned about us remaining "friends" no matter happened. I let him know I wasn't interested in having a relationship like that with him. And I wouldn't want to be in contact with him ever again if he stays wayward. Not as a wife, friend or "need meeter" at least. But I didn't know if I would have to have direct contact with him regarding divorce or separation settlements.

No, the lawyers will do that. Stay dark . Even tiny breaks are painful.

This is an old MB thread titled "The Fantasy of Divorce" which talks about what to expect from an XWS should you divorce. And yes, they DO want to be friends and pals and keep right on letting you help them with anything they need, because if you'll be their friend it will ease their guilt. Don't fall for it. Here's why:

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2279757&page=1