Hey While we are in counselling I'm still facing the world with great trepidation. Recently I found my wife has been having emotional affair dating back to while we were dating. The latest has been the most devasting as they involve my boss. And life there has been a pure and utter hell once I found out as salt has been ground into my wounds daily by the look of him and comments made by him about my inadequacies. I have given my all to this marriage and I wish to keep trying but the diffculties are becoming to much to bear.
If she complained about lack of time I gave up hobbies, if she complained about help with chores I bore down and helped out. Conversation I made a point of trying to work on that. Romance well dear god I'm a hopeless romantic. Oddly since the discovery I feel I'm the one forever apologiszing. For years I have screamed what about me and now that things are open things are improving in the sex depts which I want her to enjoy more than my own needs there but why do I still feel like the giver. Just for once I would like to receive. Whtas wrong with me?

Welcome and sorry for the pain that has brought you here.

First and foremost you are not crazy. She's in an affair and an addict. The Harleys will say " there are reasons for an affair but no excuses".

There is a plan to try and save your M, if you follow Dr. Harley's advice.
Please read this and come back and answer the questions.
Thread to help newly Betrayed Posters

hi davey. sorry you are here. can you post some more info? basics like your age, years together, years married, kids, etc. i know exactly how you feel. we all do.

Sorry we've been married 14 years and two beautiful daughters. Who have kept me alive and wanting to teach that failures are learning experiences. My first marriage failed as I was an army husband and my time away didn't help two young people and I have accepted my part to blame in its failure. Sadly its the kids that suffer worst. My age I'll just say middle aged. My job is what keeps us living the way we want she wants to work part time to be with the kids more so I have busted my boys to give that to her and feel guilt because I know I'm failing in other areas because of it.
Hopefully I can get my crap sorted.

Who have you exposed her affair to?

Read this Exposure 101

Obviously my boss knew when he saw my reaction after finding out. Her sister who knew of it all along and doesn't want to admit her own guilt about it and my family who have promised not to judge which is odd considering they've spent their whole lives judging everything. Her mother will be returning home is an obstacle she doesn't want to know but I want to and yet I don't she feels so abandoned by the world and so do I. Because she is my world and my fantasy. I've always been of the belief real people live in the real world. My first sexual experience was with a married woman and when I found out I went to him and admitted that I didn't know but my guilt was sincere and I got the crap kicked out of me. After that I experienced three other emotional affairs and once I knew what was going on I went to the spouses and 2 tried to beat me within an inch of my life and the third I know have as a true friend who I respect and cherish and he likewise for my honesty.

So you have had four affairs?

Me long before I met either of my wives and thats whys I hate the thought of cheating with a passion. Marriage is supposed to be a growth of two people towards the future beit exciting or challenging or mundane. My past wife dear god they went on and on and my present wife I could easily list 5 and sadly 7 children have suffered because of it not including our children.

Have you exposed to OM's BW?

Who is this OM?

Sorry I don't get the lingo so bear with me. OM,BW etc? The OM I'm going to assume means other man. Yep he knew and I admit the joy I felt once I walked into work and found him almost wet with fear that I was going to rip personal parts off for not being honourable. And he is now recovering from being called a coward infront of so many others. His wifes reaction was to key my wifes car severely and his two kids can't bear to come into our workplace without showing their anger at me. It's not my fault but I guess it is as twisted as it may seem. But daddy had his parts in other places as well and thankfully not my wife although I have doubts as we do have a child from about the same time as this was all going on.

Sorry Brainhurts but the other man was my boss.

This will help.
Acronyms and Abbreviations

Sorry to say this but I woould get a DNA test.

Did you read the exposure link I posted?

Thanks. For the response. Jusat want to help her and myself. This is so ruddy painful. I want to forgive and I'm trying I want to move forward yet I feel like I'm giving too much and yet I don't want indebtedness as thats not fair either. All I know is that I'm a great husband, friend, father, confidant and lover. But I feel so lost betrayed and filled with grief.

Working on fixing myself first. I've badly neglected myself for years and a new pair of pant may nt fix what may be happening within. STD test on Tues. Followed by Ultrasounds and x-rays in a few weeks. DNA test is upcoming. either way I love the child and will be a great dad no matter what.
Seriously scared of what they may reveal. My kids need me.

Are you both in the same house? Is the affair still on?

You may have not been the perfect H but your WW is 100% responsible for her affair. There may be reasons but never excuses for an affair.

Read this. You are in Plan A.
Carrot and Stick of plan A

Welcome to Marriage Builders, Davey. I've just read your whole thread and I'm confused on a few points, so I'll put them all on this post.

Why are you in counseling? What is your goal by doing that? Who suggested the counseling?

You are calling this an emotional affair, yet you talk about OM's 'parts' being in the wrong place, so I'll assume you mean a physical affair. And, of course, you're right - it is a physical affair.

I know that thinking this may make you feel better, but I don't know that it's necessarily true. Consider: You confronted him, stomped your foot about his behavior with your wife, and then continued to work for him. Why would you do this? Oh, wait, I forgot:
So, this is how you want to live? With your wife boinking your boss? Really? Do you see how skewed this logic is? Davey, you need to get out of that job. It is unimaginably cruel for you to have to work every day for an employer who has betrayed his employer/employee relationship with you. It is stunning to me that you would meekly punch in at work each day to add to the profits of a man who would so callously contribute to damaging your marriage and then brag about it to you.

What is your WW (wayward wife) saying about all of this? Is she remorseful for what she has done? What is she doing to help you heal from this? It is admirable that you want to forgive, but your WW needs to earn that forgiveness. And I think you need to understand that you deserve just compensation for her actions, not 'indebtedness'.

Working to make yourself a better person is a noble goal, but you've got the cart before the horse and you're concentrating on the wrong thing. You've got to end this contact with this OM before you can begin healing and address the things in yourself that need to be strengthened.

Do you understand that your WW is triggered by thoughts of OM every time you get in the car to go to work for him? That's not a positive thing, Davey.

I understand the STD screening and I definitely think you should perform a DNA test on both of your daughters to confirm that you are their father, but I'm confused about why you're getting an ultrasound and x-rays?

How do you know that they are no longer in contact? How did you find out about the affair in the first place?

Last thing for now: have you read the articles on this site? I would suggest you start here. You need to understand the nature of the beast that you're dealing with so you can truly kill it.

Are you British, davey? Is your counselling with Relate?

Welcome to MB.

MaritalBliss. The OM was forever messing about with other women. As far as the foot stomping it got a little heavier and uglier than that with my wife in attendance. The truths that can be obtained through certain practices can be enlightening and it was all non physical. Sadly my wife was devastated hearing it spill from him when we had our " discussion" but on his part it was a control thing and now I have taken it back. And starting tommorow when I can return to work he will be in another part of the country. As our company views his actions as a liabilty. But to be fair to others and myself its not an action I would reccomend. As I got lucky. And for it I feel a great deal of shame and regret. For her seeing the OM with him gone she is also banned from any premises where I work. She has expressed great shame and tears I don't really sense the regret. Maybe thats me right now.
Oh as to finding out. I was always offered to read her diaries but never did as they were a way of expressing herself and one day my gut was just pounding and opened them and surprise!!!
The counselling was my idea about 10 years ago and really she only got up off her [censored] once this all came to light.
Not really looking forward to work tommorow with a new boss but holding a candle hoping it'll be easier now.

So will you not have to work with the OM ever again?

Did your wife send a NC letter?

Nope he is gone. NC letter? Again another abbrv. sorry. As for ultrasounds and x-rays. With the likely signs I probably have cancer. I want to be able to forgive my wife completely if that is the case. I want her to be able to live without regrets. Her choices were bad and I accept my flaws as I always have. Did she ever love me the truth may never be known. But for her sake and mine I wish for her to be absolved but am afraid it may take too long.
I only wish for the best and that my kids know I wasn't a complete failure as a man and husband.

Did you read this?
Acronyms and Abbreviations

NC=No Contact Read this No contact letters

You would have her write one and you approve it then you send it to her OM.

Just checking in, Davey - anything you'd like to discuss?

Thanks for asking Neverguessed. It has been a difficult road towards healing. The laws laid down are not something I'm accustomed to nor do I wish to make her a servant. But all cell phone, e-mail etc etc activity have been given openly. I'm aware it will take time and dang is it painful. She feels so relieved that its open yet I still feel so much pain. Counselling is going well and I feel like an idiot that we have to go, but trying to get her to understand my pain is a challenge. In one instance I can tear another mans arms off yet I know I', so soft inside. I just suffer from the fear that I may be gone before I can forgive and forget. It is ok for me to live with regrets yet I wish none for others I lived my life and I made mistakes and I can live in peace knowing I made it an effort to correct those mistakes.

Can you afford the coaching center?
If you follow Dr. Harley's plan for recovery you will have a much better chance at recovering from your WW's affair then traditional marriage counseling.

Will your WW write the NC letter?

What are you doing to affair proof your marriage?

Will she be open and honest about everything about the affair?

I'm so sorry for your fight with cancer. I do hope the best for you, my friend.

Please listen to these radio clips of a BH finding out his WW was having an affair for the whole 10 years of their marriage and they are trying to make it work.
Radio clip of a ten year affair
Segment #2
Segment #3