Chinagirl is still angry and sad - 05/15/12 05:05 PM
First of all, I am so grateful and thankful that I found this website and that all of you have posted your stories, struggles, trials, tribulations, hopes and help. I've been reading a lot on this site and have gotten to the point where I need to post my own "story".
So. Here goes.
My FWH (I hope I get all these acronyms correct), three children (D10, S7, D5) and I moved to China in August, 2011. We moved here due to FWH's job. This is our third move and our first overseas move. Our children were mostly looking forward to it--as was I, since I thought it would be a good way to bring my FWH and I closer. Our marriage was not the greatest and we'd started back into MC. FWH blamed it on my depression (I was gaslighted). At the time of the move, I was unaware of the A. FWH and OW (who was my so-called best friend, neighbor and confidante) had been carrying on an EA and a SA since February, 2011.
I'd known that things were not right at home. I suffer from clinical depression and had recently come out to my husband as bisexual. I had been very open and honest with him about these feelings and he supported me to the point of suggesting that I explore that side of my sexuality so it doesn't get pent up. This was prior to the A, by the way. He claimed that it wasn't a threat to him for me to be with another woman, but it was to be with another man...
Long story longer, I ended up sleeping with "BF/OW" on and off, with FWH's knowledge and approval. We felt this was a safe environment to experiment and see if it would fit the bill. It did not. BF/OW kept suggesting that it would be more fun to "involve a man". so it would seem "right" to her. FWH and I had discussed involving another woman in our relationship (red flag, I know), so we involved her. We did this a number of times and I finally put a stop to it. I couldn't deal anymore. For me, it wasn't about the act, it was about feelings. Apparently, they could deal and they continued to deal, without me knowing...
I ended up falling in love with another woman (no SF), who claimed that she was not "that sort" of person (I don't believe her), yet we remained friends. I ended up cutting ties with her later on due to my strong feelings for her. I was still in love with my FWH yet felt love for this woman. Still do, in fact.
Fast-forward to October, 2011, here in China. FWH goes out of town. When he returns, he says he has a surprise for me. It's the BF/OW in my living room--in China! I was so excited that I burst into tears. We'd talked daily, even when I moved. She and I shared EVERYTHING. She knew my qualms about my marriage and we went on girls trips together, etc. Heck, we even slept together and didn't let it get "weird" or anything. Our children were dear friends and she and her hubby were the guardians to our kids in our will. We vacationed together. Everything.
One night while she was in China, the three of us were on our patio, having drinks and talking. FWH said that he was going inside to get a drink and asked if any of us would like one. We replied, "No." Not a minute later, BF/OW pops up and says, "I'm going inside to get a drink." My gut churned. Thought that was odd, but thought I was being paranoid. Kept feeling gut. Thought, "WTF, I'm going to go around front and peek in the kitchen window and spy on them. That will ease my mind." Well, when I got to the kitchen window, OW (no longer BF at this point) was with FWH, groping one another and leaning on his shoulder.
I banged my hand on the window, ran around back and stormed into the house, yelling, "Get a room!" They laughed at me. They actually laughed. I yelled, "I saw you!" They tried to cover it up, saying they'd just made one mistake. I could tell it wasn't their first. I said, "No. You've made more than one. I can tell." Okay, so I yelled it. I ran back outside, threw the candles on the patio so they shattered and decided to throw the OW and FWH out of the house.
I walked in, with FWH trying to "calm me down" while I went to the guest room, shoved all of her stuff in her suitcase, turned around to tell FWH to shut the heck up, beat up on him a few seconds and demanded that he leave. I carried her suitcase upstairs, opened the front door and threw it on the front porch. I then walked into the kitchen, where she was standing, texting whomever could save her, and screamed, "Get the F out of my HOUSE!" I used the actual word, by the way. She never said one word to me. Hasn't since. FWH wouldn't leave the house, but stayed in the basement guest room until I allowed him back to our room. He comforted me and wrote down all the reasons he was sorry (4+ pages, if memory serves me correctly), said that he was selfish and it was all fantasy and that he would do whatever it takes to keep our marriage together. Said he had an epiphany of sorts--that I was his one and only.
I also found out that about four of our friends/neighbors knew about the A. No longer friends or neighbors, needless to say.
FWH and OW "did it" in our house when my kids and I were sleeping. They did it when we were on vacation together. She bought him an engraved pocket watch. He'd bought her a blouse "just because" when he was out. They used to have lunch together. They'd wait for me to go to sleep and then sneak around to each others' houses. They made plans. They'd been at a local hotel two nights before! I comforted her when she was a crying mess the night before. I thought it was about missing me.
All the crying she did prior to our departure was not about me. All the crying I did was about her. I was so depressed about leaving that I had to ramp up my AD meds. I couldn't imagine leaving my BF! When we got to China, I was still depressed and FWH was treating me unkindly and not being supportive. Language barrier, new country, new everything. Again, I said, "Something is WRONG!" He asked, "Well, what should we do?" Once again, I suggested marriage counseling. We didn't do it.
OW's spouse blames the A on me--says that I invited OW into our bedroom and that I am an idiot for thinking that it wouldn't lead to this. I admitted my wayward behavior and apologized for being deceitful toward him. In fact, I told him about me and OW because I knew that OW wouldn't. I'm not saying that I didn't contribute to the mess, that's for sure, but I, in no way whatsoever, had anything to do with FWH's and OW's A. That's just malarky (nice word for a bad one).
We still have our house in the states (across the street from OW's), but we haven't been back. The kids ask why. We're about to rent it out; have movers come and pack it up and put everything in storage. It triggered lots of emotions.
On top of all of the emotional baggage, I just had an endoscopy and colonoscopy today after having months of GI issues. Turns out I have five (yes, 5) peptic ulcers. Yay. Also have a pinched nerve in my neck, which is causing severe pain. Oh--and found out I have an ovarian cyst, which might be functional, but I won't find out for another week. This is China.
I am so lost and sad and still very angry. My one friend that I would lean on and go to is dead to me. I'm mourning the loss of that so-called friendship and the safety net of our marriage, even though it was rocky. We are in MC and both in IC and I've changed AD meds with little luck. We've also found a good church here and we've been able to meet with the pastor on a few occasions, which has been helpful.
I'm just so tired of trying to be a good mother, good wife, good expat and good Christian that I just want to screw it all and run away. My head is barely above water. I can hardly enjoy our time here because I feel so exhausted.
FWH has cut all ties with OW and has given me all passwords to everything he has. He's been trying to court me again, which is good, but I'm wondering if he's staying because it's the "right" thing to do; that it's because he got caught. SF was big at first because I had something to prove. Now, it's non-existent because of my health and triggers. Since I've actually seen them do it, in person, I know exactly what it looks like.
With the kids being friends with OW's kids, I get triggers on a daily basis. Kids don't know anything. Just that Mom had a big fight with OW and that we are not friends anymore (hence the yelling the night I kicked her out of the house). They send the other kids mail and emails. They received a packet of letters from the states from them, yet I know it's OW's passive-aggressive way to disguise her evil ways with so-called "good". I know her all too well. So much betrayal and manipulation on so many levels...
For now, that's it. We've printed off the questionaires and would like to get the books, but it's difficult being in China. We're heading to the states mid-June, so maybe we'll pick them up then. Not going to our house. Going to family's homes in a different state!
Thanks, all!
So. Here goes.
My FWH (I hope I get all these acronyms correct), three children (D10, S7, D5) and I moved to China in August, 2011. We moved here due to FWH's job. This is our third move and our first overseas move. Our children were mostly looking forward to it--as was I, since I thought it would be a good way to bring my FWH and I closer. Our marriage was not the greatest and we'd started back into MC. FWH blamed it on my depression (I was gaslighted). At the time of the move, I was unaware of the A. FWH and OW (who was my so-called best friend, neighbor and confidante) had been carrying on an EA and a SA since February, 2011.
I'd known that things were not right at home. I suffer from clinical depression and had recently come out to my husband as bisexual. I had been very open and honest with him about these feelings and he supported me to the point of suggesting that I explore that side of my sexuality so it doesn't get pent up. This was prior to the A, by the way. He claimed that it wasn't a threat to him for me to be with another woman, but it was to be with another man...
Long story longer, I ended up sleeping with "BF/OW" on and off, with FWH's knowledge and approval. We felt this was a safe environment to experiment and see if it would fit the bill. It did not. BF/OW kept suggesting that it would be more fun to "involve a man". so it would seem "right" to her. FWH and I had discussed involving another woman in our relationship (red flag, I know), so we involved her. We did this a number of times and I finally put a stop to it. I couldn't deal anymore. For me, it wasn't about the act, it was about feelings. Apparently, they could deal and they continued to deal, without me knowing...
I ended up falling in love with another woman (no SF), who claimed that she was not "that sort" of person (I don't believe her), yet we remained friends. I ended up cutting ties with her later on due to my strong feelings for her. I was still in love with my FWH yet felt love for this woman. Still do, in fact.
Fast-forward to October, 2011, here in China. FWH goes out of town. When he returns, he says he has a surprise for me. It's the BF/OW in my living room--in China! I was so excited that I burst into tears. We'd talked daily, even when I moved. She and I shared EVERYTHING. She knew my qualms about my marriage and we went on girls trips together, etc. Heck, we even slept together and didn't let it get "weird" or anything. Our children were dear friends and she and her hubby were the guardians to our kids in our will. We vacationed together. Everything.
One night while she was in China, the three of us were on our patio, having drinks and talking. FWH said that he was going inside to get a drink and asked if any of us would like one. We replied, "No." Not a minute later, BF/OW pops up and says, "I'm going inside to get a drink." My gut churned. Thought that was odd, but thought I was being paranoid. Kept feeling gut. Thought, "WTF, I'm going to go around front and peek in the kitchen window and spy on them. That will ease my mind." Well, when I got to the kitchen window, OW (no longer BF at this point) was with FWH, groping one another and leaning on his shoulder.
I banged my hand on the window, ran around back and stormed into the house, yelling, "Get a room!" They laughed at me. They actually laughed. I yelled, "I saw you!" They tried to cover it up, saying they'd just made one mistake. I could tell it wasn't their first. I said, "No. You've made more than one. I can tell." Okay, so I yelled it. I ran back outside, threw the candles on the patio so they shattered and decided to throw the OW and FWH out of the house.
I walked in, with FWH trying to "calm me down" while I went to the guest room, shoved all of her stuff in her suitcase, turned around to tell FWH to shut the heck up, beat up on him a few seconds and demanded that he leave. I carried her suitcase upstairs, opened the front door and threw it on the front porch. I then walked into the kitchen, where she was standing, texting whomever could save her, and screamed, "Get the F out of my HOUSE!" I used the actual word, by the way. She never said one word to me. Hasn't since. FWH wouldn't leave the house, but stayed in the basement guest room until I allowed him back to our room. He comforted me and wrote down all the reasons he was sorry (4+ pages, if memory serves me correctly), said that he was selfish and it was all fantasy and that he would do whatever it takes to keep our marriage together. Said he had an epiphany of sorts--that I was his one and only.
I also found out that about four of our friends/neighbors knew about the A. No longer friends or neighbors, needless to say.
FWH and OW "did it" in our house when my kids and I were sleeping. They did it when we were on vacation together. She bought him an engraved pocket watch. He'd bought her a blouse "just because" when he was out. They used to have lunch together. They'd wait for me to go to sleep and then sneak around to each others' houses. They made plans. They'd been at a local hotel two nights before! I comforted her when she was a crying mess the night before. I thought it was about missing me.
All the crying she did prior to our departure was not about me. All the crying I did was about her. I was so depressed about leaving that I had to ramp up my AD meds. I couldn't imagine leaving my BF! When we got to China, I was still depressed and FWH was treating me unkindly and not being supportive. Language barrier, new country, new everything. Again, I said, "Something is WRONG!" He asked, "Well, what should we do?" Once again, I suggested marriage counseling. We didn't do it.
OW's spouse blames the A on me--says that I invited OW into our bedroom and that I am an idiot for thinking that it wouldn't lead to this. I admitted my wayward behavior and apologized for being deceitful toward him. In fact, I told him about me and OW because I knew that OW wouldn't. I'm not saying that I didn't contribute to the mess, that's for sure, but I, in no way whatsoever, had anything to do with FWH's and OW's A. That's just malarky (nice word for a bad one).
We still have our house in the states (across the street from OW's), but we haven't been back. The kids ask why. We're about to rent it out; have movers come and pack it up and put everything in storage. It triggered lots of emotions.
On top of all of the emotional baggage, I just had an endoscopy and colonoscopy today after having months of GI issues. Turns out I have five (yes, 5) peptic ulcers. Yay. Also have a pinched nerve in my neck, which is causing severe pain. Oh--and found out I have an ovarian cyst, which might be functional, but I won't find out for another week. This is China.
I am so lost and sad and still very angry. My one friend that I would lean on and go to is dead to me. I'm mourning the loss of that so-called friendship and the safety net of our marriage, even though it was rocky. We are in MC and both in IC and I've changed AD meds with little luck. We've also found a good church here and we've been able to meet with the pastor on a few occasions, which has been helpful.
I'm just so tired of trying to be a good mother, good wife, good expat and good Christian that I just want to screw it all and run away. My head is barely above water. I can hardly enjoy our time here because I feel so exhausted.
FWH has cut all ties with OW and has given me all passwords to everything he has. He's been trying to court me again, which is good, but I'm wondering if he's staying because it's the "right" thing to do; that it's because he got caught. SF was big at first because I had something to prove. Now, it's non-existent because of my health and triggers. Since I've actually seen them do it, in person, I know exactly what it looks like.
With the kids being friends with OW's kids, I get triggers on a daily basis. Kids don't know anything. Just that Mom had a big fight with OW and that we are not friends anymore (hence the yelling the night I kicked her out of the house). They send the other kids mail and emails. They received a packet of letters from the states from them, yet I know it's OW's passive-aggressive way to disguise her evil ways with so-called "good". I know her all too well. So much betrayal and manipulation on so many levels...
For now, that's it. We've printed off the questionaires and would like to get the books, but it's difficult being in China. We're heading to the states mid-June, so maybe we'll pick them up then. Not going to our house. Going to family's homes in a different state!
Thanks, all!