Conflict avoidance is the *kiss of death* - Marriage Builders® Forums

Conflict avoidance disallows intimacy.
Conflict avoidance disallows POJA negotiations and mutually happy resolutions to marital problems.
Conflict avoidance is dishonest.
Conflict avoidance creates resentments.
Conflict avoidance shows no integrity.
Conflict avoidance shows no courage.
Conflict avoidance is not caring, but pretends to be.
Conflict avoidance creates vulnerability to affairs.
Conflict avoidance nurtures self-victimhood and martyrization.

If you dare to write: "I did everything for my spouse for years and years" ..... then hear this ....

YOUR CONFLICT AVOIDANCE CREATED THIS HOT STEAMING TURD OF AGONY.

Want relief?

Relief #1

Relief #2

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Relief #4

Conflict avoidance drains your own love bank.

*like*

Conflict avoidance is how the Giver creates an unhappy & incompatible marriage environment.

Link to Giver/Taker

Originally Posted by Dr Harley

It should be no surprise to you that it isn't the Giver that ruins marriages -- it's the Taker. But the Giver plays a very important role in creating the problem. It's the effort of the Giver to give our spouses anything they want that sets up the Taker for it's destructive acts. After you have been giving, giving, giving to your spouse, and receiving little in return (because you haven't bargained for much), your Taker rises up to straighten out the situation. It sees the unfairness of it all, and steps in to balance the books. But instead of coming to a more balanced arrangement, where you get something for what you give, the Taker just moves the Giver out of the picture altogether. It says, "I've been giving enough, now it's your turn to give."

Originally Posted by MelodyLane

*like*

I *like* YOU !

back atcha!

Conflict avoidance encourages your spouse to become/remain lazy in the marriage.

Conflict avoidance is not noble. Conflict avoidance is cowardice.

Conflict avoidance does not make room for your spouse to grow and improve his/her efforts to please you.

Conflict avoidance is a pessimistic attitude regarding your spouse.

Conflict avoidance encourages intolerable situations in the marriage.

Ask me how I really feel.

Conflict avoidance puts duct tape over your own love bank and your spouse need not make love unit deposits .... because YOU have been dishonest about your marital needs.

Conflict avoidance shoots buckshot through your own love bank .... because you have been dishonest about your marital complaints.

Guilty as charged. My name is Holyheart and I am a Giver.

Never again will I put myself in that situation. Lesson learned!

This makes perfect sense. I have seen what conflict avoidance has done to both my parents, in laws, and what it tried to do in my marriage. CA, kills all that is good in marriage. It suck the life out of it.

Long term conflict avoiders eventually feel they have reached 'the last straw', and love-bust their spouse BUT GOOD.

Conflict avoidance creates an environment where some of your ENs might more easily be met by someone other than your spouse.

Conflict avoidance creates the tendency for complaining (DJs) about their spouse to others outside the marriage.

Conflict avoidance = pretending things are OK when they are NOT OK.

Originally Posted by Holyheart

Guilty as charged. My name is Holyheart and I am a Giver.

Never again will I put myself in that situation. Lesson learned!

Every single person on this forum, everyone who is married and not on this forum, has avoided conflict at one time or another.

Conflict avoidance becomes a serious *kiss of death* when it becomes a habitual behavior in the marriage.

Overcoming conflict avoidance is not done by fighting with your spouse.
Overcoming conflict avoidance is successfully done by learning how to honestly negotiate your complaints to your spouse.

Like and thanks.

Originally Posted by BrainHurts

Like and thanks.

DITTO

CONFLICT AVOIDANCE = G-A-S-L-I-G-H-T-I-N-G ! ! !

Love this. It explains my marriage to a tee.

Originally Posted by Pepperband

Conflict avoidance is how the Giver creates an unhappy & incompatible marriage environment.

Link to Giver/Taker

Originally Posted by Dr Harley

It should be no surprise to you that it isn't the Giver that ruins marriages -- it's the Taker. But the Giver plays a very important role in creating the problem. It's the effort of the Giver to give our spouses anything they want that sets up the Taker for it's destructive acts. After you have been giving, giving, giving to your spouse, and receiving little in return (because you haven't bargained for much), your Taker rises up to straighten out the situation. It sees the unfairness of it all, and steps in to balance the books. But instead of coming to a more balanced arrangement, where you get something for what you give, the Taker just moves the Giver out of the picture altogether. It says, "I've been giving enough, now it's your turn to give."

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8122_happy.html

Brilliant thread.

Thanks Pepperband - you rock!!!!!!!!

Great thread.

Agreeing to something without enthusiasm avoids an immediate conflict but is hugely detrimental in the long term.
AM

I wish it would become mandatory for every person about to get married to read this thread! It's THAT important to learn this lesson!!!

Originally Posted by Pepperband

Conflict avoidance = pretending things are OK when they are NOT OK.

preach my sister!

truer words have never been spoken.

Conflict avoidance ... man how I denied that existed for years. Only to have it stare me down at each crossroad of this adultery hell.

I thank God today I have the ability to hold truth in conflict avoidance ... I hold truth in knowing how to never have this ugly thing in my life again.

POJA and PORH ... the only way to move forward in life.

Conflict avoidance creates more conflict - that is what we've learned...

Originally Posted by Mrs_Recon6mo

Conflict avoidance creates more conflict - that is what we've learned...

EGG ZAK LEE !!!

Conflict avoidance disallows intimacy.
Conflict avoidance disallows POJA negotiations and mutually happy resolutions to marital problems.
Conflict avoidance is dishonest.
Conflict avoidance creates resentments.
Conflict avoidance shows no integrity.
Conflict avoidance shows no courage.
Conflict avoidance is not caring, but pretends to be.
Conflict avoidance creates vulnerability to affairs.
Conflict avoidance nurtures self-victimhood and martyrization.
Conflict avoidance drains your own love bank.
Conflict avoidance is how the Giver creates an unhappy & incompatible marriage environment.
Conflict avoidance encourages your spouse to become/remain lazy in the marriage.
Conflict avoidance is not noble. Conflict avoidance is cowardice.
Conflict avoidance does not make room for your spouse to grow and improve his/her efforts to please you.
Conflict avoidance is a pessimistic attitude regarding your spouse.
Conflict avoidance encourages intolerable situations in the marriage.
Conflict avoidance shoots buckshot through your own love bank .... because you have been dishonest about your marital complaints.
Long term conflict avoiders eventually feel they have reached 'the last straw', and love-bust their spouse BUT GOOD.
Conflict avoidance creates an environment where some of your ENs might more easily be met by someone other than your spouse.
Conflict avoidance creates the tendency for complaining (DJs) about their spouse to others outside the marriage.
Conflict avoidance = pretending things are OK when they are NOT OK.
Conflict avoidance creates more conflict.

Overcoming conflict avoidance is not done by fighting with your spouse.
Overcoming conflict avoidance is successfully done by learning how to honestly negotiate your complaints to your spouse.

"You can't change what you don't acknowledge." Dr. Phil

"Never spit in a man's face, unless his mustache is on fire!" - Anonymous

Geee, Pep, why would you have felt it necessary to bump this valuable thread?

Originally Posted by NeverGuessed

"Never spit in a man's face, unless his mustache is on fire!" - Anonymous

I *think* that's a cowboy quote.

Thanks, Pep!

Originally Posted by Pepperband

Conflict avoidance disallows intimacy.
Conflict avoidance disallows POJA negotiations and mutually happy resolutions to marital problems.
Conflict avoidance is dishonest.
Conflict avoidance creates resentments.
Conflict avoidance shows no integrity.
Conflict avoidance shows no courage.
Conflict avoidance is not caring, but pretends to be.
Conflict avoidance creates vulnerability to affairs.
Conflict avoidance nurtures self-victimhood and martyrization.
Conflict avoidance drains your own love bank.
Conflict avoidance is how the Giver creates an unhappy & incompatible marriage environment.
Conflict avoidance encourages your spouse to become/remain lazy in the marriage.
Conflict avoidance is not noble. Conflict avoidance is cowardice.
Conflict avoidance does not make room for your spouse to grow and improve his/her efforts to please you.
Conflict avoidance is a pessimistic attitude regarding your spouse.
Conflict avoidance encourages intolerable situations in the marriage.
Conflict avoidance shoots buckshot through your own love bank .... because you have been dishonest about your marital complaints.
Long term conflict avoiders eventually feel they have reached 'the last straw', and love-bust their spouse BUT GOOD.
Conflict avoidance creates an environment where some of your ENs might more easily be met by someone other than your spouse.
Conflict avoidance creates the tendency for complaining (DJs) about their spouse to others outside the marriage.
Conflict avoidance = pretending things are OK when they are NOT OK.
Conflict avoidance creates more conflict.

Overcoming conflict avoidance is not done by fighting with your spouse.
Overcoming conflict avoidance is successfully done by learning how to honestly negotiate your complaints to your spouse.

OUCH!
But thank you for the reminder.

Woah...story of our lives.

*bump*

Been awhile since I've been on here, but lo and behold....another amazing thread by Pep!

Yesssss...Three thumbs up!!!

This is my MO. My WS is loud and during conflict he just gets lounder and lounder..and I shut down. Pattern started when the kids were younger because it seemed the more I said the lounder and more angry he became and it was a way of me trying to keep the situation under control. Our ability to communicate whenever there is conflict is dismal. He has a short fuse that I just can't relate to. We seem to talk in circles and not resolve issues..so I would just not address it which to him means I don't care. It is a wicked cycle. I always viewed it as more "peace keeper" but I guess I wrong. Lots to work on.

Originally Posted by bewildered123

My WS is loud and during conflict he just gets lounder and lounder..and I shut down. Pattern started when the kids were younger because it seemed the more I said the lounder and more angry he became and it was a way of me trying to keep the situation under control.

That is his way of controlling you. And it works! Since he is rewarded for his abusive bully tactics, he continues to use them. In effect, you have trained him to be a bully through the system of rewards and benefits.

Originally Posted by MelodyLane

Originally Posted by bewildered123

My WS is loud and during conflict he just gets lounder and lounder..and I shut down. Pattern started when the kids were younger because it seemed the more I said the lounder and more angry he became and it was a way of me trying to keep the situation under control.

That is his way of controlling you. And it works! Since he is rewarded for his abusive bully tactics, he continues to use them. In effect, you have trained him to be a bully through the system of rewards and benefits.

This was me. Guilty as charged