now what.... - 06/21/12 12:09 AM
Where to start? I am currently working through the effects of an affair that my wife had in the fall last year of 2011.
I would have to say that I am not doing to well at this time. Unfortunately this is the second time around for me and her. The last time was 16 years ago. needless to say I was crushed, messed up, and had a very hard time coping. Eventually the only way I felt I could survive was to leave the marriage. We sold our home and I moved far away to another city looking for a fresh start. With allot of time I healed and continued on pursuing my dreams. My wife and I had always had a great relationship, and often concluded that we were sole mates. To shorten things up, we re connected, ( never divorced during separation) fell in love all over again, thing where great. we have 4 beautiful children and have been as close and happy as one could expect. When we got back together I wanted to know that she could never do that again, it the kind of pain I never wanted ever to feel again, she promised, and with time we moved on together.
Fast forward 16 years, and 4 children. It happened again, I will try and keep condensed for there are many factors which need to be considered, but nevertheless I am more lost and ready to give up more than I have ever been.
An old classmate of mine who is a good friend ( best friend growing up for 20 years) moved to our city. We kept in touch saw each other every odd year but remained in contact all these years. This individual is the one guy that never grew up out of the bunch. Still chasing girls, living the party life, and has some bad habits.
We really never had anything in common other than our past, my years of out and about are long gone and have not been part of our lives for a very long time. The funny part is, my wife hated him, in fact despise would not explain her disdain for this guy.
After having him over a few times, one night he made a pass at my wife. I was pretty taken back and upset. My wife was disappointed it happened and wanted him never to come back. I told him I would need some time to think about it and I would not be wanting to see him. 6 weeks passed and I gave our past friendship the benefit of the doubt. Occasionally he would be invited over, once every 4-5 weeks.
Apparently he started throwing complements at my wife, testing the waters. She told me at the time she though it was harmless because of who he was. I do question though why she did not bring it up to me, we share everything.
Later my wife started to deal with some stressful situations, she started to have coping problems, there was stress in our business, and her mother was diagnosed with breast cancer.
She wasn�t doing well and started to neglect her responsibilities at home. Mainly, track and pay bills. It got to the point she stopped getting the mail for months, and I was unaware.
It was the week she had to go and see her mom, 10hr. drive he called while she was on the road to give his sympathies. And from there, the deception and lies rolled in for over 3 months. My wife turned into another person. Eventually they met, he gave her coke, ( we have never done drugs in our lives, this in itself was almost more devastating than what was going on.) 2 days after this meet-up she had a minor break-down,
I involved the hospital and measures were taken. 2 days after that she had a full mental break, she became suicidal, and was hospitalized in the hospital for 10 days.
I can say the person she became during the 3 months was not her, but I would have never, never expected this to happen. My friend was the least likely person she would be with, today she can�t believe it, she is remorseful, wants the marriage, working on her issues. I keep feeling to much has happened and I can�t forgive it this time. She neglected to pay bills, my credit has been ruined, she stop paying the mortgage and did not pick up mail. I got a call one day from lawyer saying your home is being foreclosed. I had to refinance through a tier two lender who is charging me, 16%. I had to take part of our savings and put down on the new financing to save our home (reason is I worked a plan for 10 years for our home, it�s my dream home and I thought I would die here.) Everything I worked for has been lost, I am farther behind today than I was 15 years ago. I worked very, very hard in our business to give her and the children nice things, when times got tough I kept on going always figuring a way to get ahead. I am currently not coping, I am depressed more than ever, the pain will not go, and I am thinking it may be time to leave. I am looking to sell off parts of my business because I can�t run it, I can�t think straight. It would be my 20 year. If I lose that I am not sure what to do. We have about 10 month and we are going to be dry of money. Everything was going well and now it�s a nightmare.
Because of my past experience I am familiar with the ups and downs, but this time I am fighting with having lost the life I worked my a** off for. I am not sure how we can move on. She want to but I don�t think I have anything left. I would have to say this is as close to the edge as I have ever felt. Feel lost without hope.
I would have to say that I am not doing to well at this time. Unfortunately this is the second time around for me and her. The last time was 16 years ago. needless to say I was crushed, messed up, and had a very hard time coping. Eventually the only way I felt I could survive was to leave the marriage. We sold our home and I moved far away to another city looking for a fresh start. With allot of time I healed and continued on pursuing my dreams. My wife and I had always had a great relationship, and often concluded that we were sole mates. To shorten things up, we re connected, ( never divorced during separation) fell in love all over again, thing where great. we have 4 beautiful children and have been as close and happy as one could expect. When we got back together I wanted to know that she could never do that again, it the kind of pain I never wanted ever to feel again, she promised, and with time we moved on together.
Fast forward 16 years, and 4 children. It happened again, I will try and keep condensed for there are many factors which need to be considered, but nevertheless I am more lost and ready to give up more than I have ever been.
An old classmate of mine who is a good friend ( best friend growing up for 20 years) moved to our city. We kept in touch saw each other every odd year but remained in contact all these years. This individual is the one guy that never grew up out of the bunch. Still chasing girls, living the party life, and has some bad habits.
We really never had anything in common other than our past, my years of out and about are long gone and have not been part of our lives for a very long time. The funny part is, my wife hated him, in fact despise would not explain her disdain for this guy.
After having him over a few times, one night he made a pass at my wife. I was pretty taken back and upset. My wife was disappointed it happened and wanted him never to come back. I told him I would need some time to think about it and I would not be wanting to see him. 6 weeks passed and I gave our past friendship the benefit of the doubt. Occasionally he would be invited over, once every 4-5 weeks.
Apparently he started throwing complements at my wife, testing the waters. She told me at the time she though it was harmless because of who he was. I do question though why she did not bring it up to me, we share everything.
Later my wife started to deal with some stressful situations, she started to have coping problems, there was stress in our business, and her mother was diagnosed with breast cancer.
She wasn�t doing well and started to neglect her responsibilities at home. Mainly, track and pay bills. It got to the point she stopped getting the mail for months, and I was unaware.
It was the week she had to go and see her mom, 10hr. drive he called while she was on the road to give his sympathies. And from there, the deception and lies rolled in for over 3 months. My wife turned into another person. Eventually they met, he gave her coke, ( we have never done drugs in our lives, this in itself was almost more devastating than what was going on.) 2 days after this meet-up she had a minor break-down,
I involved the hospital and measures were taken. 2 days after that she had a full mental break, she became suicidal, and was hospitalized in the hospital for 10 days.
I can say the person she became during the 3 months was not her, but I would have never, never expected this to happen. My friend was the least likely person she would be with, today she can�t believe it, she is remorseful, wants the marriage, working on her issues. I keep feeling to much has happened and I can�t forgive it this time. She neglected to pay bills, my credit has been ruined, she stop paying the mortgage and did not pick up mail. I got a call one day from lawyer saying your home is being foreclosed. I had to refinance through a tier two lender who is charging me, 16%. I had to take part of our savings and put down on the new financing to save our home (reason is I worked a plan for 10 years for our home, it�s my dream home and I thought I would die here.) Everything I worked for has been lost, I am farther behind today than I was 15 years ago. I worked very, very hard in our business to give her and the children nice things, when times got tough I kept on going always figuring a way to get ahead. I am currently not coping, I am depressed more than ever, the pain will not go, and I am thinking it may be time to leave. I am looking to sell off parts of my business because I can�t run it, I can�t think straight. It would be my 20 year. If I lose that I am not sure what to do. We have about 10 month and we are going to be dry of money. Everything was going well and now it�s a nightmare.
Because of my past experience I am familiar with the ups and downs, but this time I am fighting with having lost the life I worked my a** off for. I am not sure how we can move on. She want to but I don�t think I have anything left. I would have to say this is as close to the edge as I have ever felt. Feel lost without hope.