Marriage Builders
Im hurting so bad and I have no one to talk to about this . I dont know what to do. Please help me. My wigfe and I have been married for 3 years and dated 2 years prior we have no chldren together but I have 2 from a prior marriage and she has 1 from her prior marriage . Wehavent always had the best marriage . We fought about our exes and the kids ..A blended family is always hard on a marriage . So i began to have small white lies to stop arguments and then I got caught in them and they grew out of control . The lying the exes the kids put a real stress on our relationship . But I never had a ned or want for another woman . So we decided that things were getting bad so I moved out and had been in my new place about 6 months ..Butmind you I still seen my wife about 5 days a week and we still had a very happy sex life . about 3 to 5 times a week we also talked daily on the phone and went to dinner even simple task as walmart . Well she was over my house about two weeks ago and I was helping her with some computer stuff and was on her phone . well I seen a picture of her with hjer head on the bare chest of another man . I freaked out I asked her what was going on ..I seen this guy before and she said that they were just friends but not that long . Finally she admitted to sending him sext messages , and some breast pics and that they have had sex twice. but this all happened with in a 4 week period and she cut if off. She has no contact with this guy no longer and has even stopped the thing she was doing that had them two meet . Now I know I have lied and done some stupid things in the past but I never would of thought about being with another woman . I would be shaking in my pants if I was even in the room alone with a woman in a situation like that . That said I love my wife to no end and I want us to work out , she is having a hard time forgiving herself and I dont make it any better because my mind will not stop thinking about them together . And I keep bringing it up and asking how could she and asking for details when I know I shouldnt . but i feel i need to know but she wont tell me.... All i know is that they touched each other and made out the first time , second time they ending up having protected sex in the missionary postion and the second ime they gave each other oral and had protected sex missionary again... then the guilt of her lying to me and the secret got two her and she ended it and then three weeks after her last sexual time with him she told me. My question is how do I get those images and thought out of my head and move past this , or is that possiable can things be the way they were before or will this always be on my mind or should i just deal with the hurt and move on and get divorced? I pray daily for help ...but I still feel so hurt Please help
Empire1979 hopefully some of the vets will come along and give you advise. I can tell you from experience you can get over the images in your head.
Originally Posted by Empire1979
My question is how do I get those images and thought out of my head and move past this , or is that possiable can things be the way they were before or will this always be on my mind or should i just deal with the hurt and move on and get divorced? I pray daily for help ...but I still feel so hurt Please help

Yes, you can get over it in time *IF* you change your marriage. If you go back to what you had before, you will GET what you had before: a separation and an affair. I don't think you want that.

Are you still separated? That is a huge part of the problem. WHY did you move out?
Is the guy married? If so, his wife should be told by you. And you should also confront this man and run him off.
Empire this is the one that I was hoping would post. IF you follow her advise you can have a happy marriage. Mel was able to help me tremendously.
Originally Posted by Empire1979
Im hurting so bad and I have no one to talk to about this . I dont know what to do. Please help me. My wigfe and I have been married for 3 years and dated 2 years prior we have no chldren together but I have 2 from a prior marriage and she has 1 from her prior marriage .

Wehavent always had the best marriage . We fought about our exes and the kids ..A blended family is always hard on a marriage . So i began to have small white lies to stop arguments and then I got caught in them and they grew out of control . The lying the exes the kids put a real stress on our relationship . But I never had a ned or want for another woman . So we decided that things were getting bad so I moved out and had been in my new place about 6 months ..Butmind you I still seen my wife about 5 days a week and we still had a very happy sex life .

about 3 to 5 times a week we also talked daily on the phone and went to dinner even simple task as walmart . Well she was over my house about two weeks ago and I was helping her with some computer stuff and was on her phone . well I seen a picture of her with hjer head on the bare chest of another man . I freaked out I asked her what was going on ..I seen this guy before and she said that they were just friends but not that long .

Finally she admitted to sending him sext messages , and some breast pics and that they have had sex twice. but this all happened with in a 4 week period and she cut if off. She has no contact with this guy no longer and has even stopped the thing she was doing that had them two meet .

Now I know I have lied and done some stupid things in the past but I never would of thought about being with another woman . I would be shaking in my pants if I was even in the room alone with a woman in a situation like that . That said I love my wife to no end and I want us to work out , she is having a hard time forgiving herself and I dont make it any better because my mind will not stop thinking about them together . And I keep bringing it up and asking how could she and asking for details when I know I shouldnt . but i feel i need to know but she wont tell me.... All i know is that they touched each other and made out the first time , second time they ending up having protected sex in the missionary postion and the second ime they gave each other oral and had protected sex missionary again... then the guilt of her lying to me and the secret got two her and she ended it and then three weeks after her last sexual time with him she told me. My question is how do I get those images and thought out of my head and move past this , or is that possiable can things be the way they were before or will this always be on my mind or should i just deal with the hurt and move on and get divorced? I pray daily for help ...but I still feel so hurt Please help

Welcome, Empire. Understand: you have every right to know about every detail of you WW's affair.

Who is the OM? Does she work with him?
We are in the reconsile stage . I am still living in a seperate house but we stay together a lot since all this came out . The guy is not married and I cannot let my wrath get the best of me . He is no longer a issue she has cut all contact . I moved out cause we were at each other daily . Over nothing really . It was like a safty area we would spend time with each other and when things started getting bad we had nuetral corners to go to. We both have been seeing a Church counsiler seperatlly and he will have us meet together at some point . She tells me she cant stand how much hurt and pan she did to me she feels like a whore when she is around me she fells shame fool for what she did . But maybe Im being selfish , but I think she should those images haunt me daily ... and its because of her and her choices. But I love her so much I dont want her to be in pain . I want her hear with me but The topic always goes back to what she did ...Maybe it will go away with time but how much time
She doesnt have contact withhiom no longer they only knew each other for 2 months before she ended everything . She worked out at Zumba and him and another guy came there to sell shakes and I guess he gave her some speal about how she could sell it to and be self employeed and then thats how it started ...
Empire it has already be said that you are entitled to the whole truth about you wife's affair. Radically honestly is a beginning. The first thing you should do is move back into the family home. Then get rid of the counselor and read up on MB principles.
Your separation has led to this terrible place and it will not get any better unless you live together as man and wife. Separation LEADS TO AFFAIRS and it dramatically increases the risk of divorce. So if you are serious about saving your marriage, you need to move home and stop damaging your marriage.

The solution to a bad marriage is not to move out and cause MORE damage but to work to turn it around. You obviously can't fix the marriage if you are not there.

So, move home and start working on your marriage. STOP fighting and start using the Marriage Builders progam to restore the romantic love in your marriage.

In your situation, I would immediately the get the book Lovebusters and read the first 5 chapters with your wife. Do the lessons at the end of each chapter together.

I have a bad feeling she won't allow you to move home, will she? Was it her idea that you move out? Perhaps to give her "space?"
Originally Posted by Empire1979
She doesnt have contact withhiom no longer they only knew each other for 2 months before she ended everything . She worked out at Zumba and him and another guy came there to sell shakes and I guess he gave her some speal about how she could sell it to and be self employeed and then thats how it started ...

Did your wife ask you to move out so she could have some "space?"
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We are in the reconsile stage . I am still living in a seperate house but we stay together a lot since all this came out .
You are nowhere near to reconciling if you are living in separate houses.
Quote
I moved out cause we were at each other daily . Over nothing really
. You moved out over "nothing really"?? What are you going to do when the going gets really tough? You, sir, are a renter.

Can you bring your wife here?
In other words, separation took a garden variety marriage problem that could have been easily resolved and added a DEVASTATING problem that will take years to recover from.

Separation compounded your problems and may very well destroy your marriage.
No we agreed to for me to move out . Wethough it was best cause we werent happy but two weeks after I was out we got along better than ever? cause I fell we both knew we could escape if issues arrived. I think im ready to move home one day then the next Im like i will just argue my point s and bring it up daily hurting her more and then resentment will set in ..I dont want that .
sorry for my typing errors my mind is going faster than my fingers
No I meant we argues over nothing really ...Not that I moved out because of that ..It was daily That we would start a fight with each other over nothing because there was under lying issues
Originally Posted by Empire1979
sorry for my typing errors my mind is going faster than my fingers
My typing fingers are slow: ready? MOVE. BACK. HOME.
Originally Posted by Empire1979
No we agreed to for me to move out . Wethough it was best cause we werent happy but two weeks after I was out we got along better than ever?

But separation does not resolve fighting. Stopping the fighting is what resolves fighting. Sure, you artificially reduced fighting because you weren't together TO fight.

That doesn't mean you learned better conflict resolution skills.

You have not resolved the fighting at all. All you have done is add new problems to your marriage and they may be insurmountable now. It is much easier to resolve fighting than it is the devastation of an affair.

If you want to recover your marriage you need to go home and learn to stop fighting. You aren't going to learn that if you aren't living together as a married couple.

Originally Posted by Empire1979
No I meant we argues over nothing really ...Not that I moved out because of that ..It was daily That we would start a fight with each other over nothing because there was under lying issues

What underlying issues?
How about tell us what the underlying issues are if you want to put your marriage back together again.
I lied alot . to not have problems or arguements ..
She tells me that I never put her first when I always though I did . she has very low image of herself . she is jelous of my kids my ex and the life we had prior to her and I
Quote
there was under lying issues
What issues?
Originally Posted by Empire1979
I lied alot . to not have problems or arguements ..
She tells me that I never put her first when I always though I did . she has very low image of herself . she is jelous of my kids my ex and the life we had prior to her and I

Were you married when you met her? What about her? How did your relationship begin?
Empire either one of you have addiction problems?
I wanna move home but I feel we are not ready yet ..This is a text she sent me 30 mins ago ...I lied I misled you I hurt you I was completely wrong I acted like a whore Yes I was selfish and for what ever its worthIm sorry I walk around with the guilt and the hurt and feelings of being a no good whore and a dirty slut everyday Imnot making excuses I made the decisionto do what I did You dont have to remind me I already know......See I understand shes in pain but I know I cant control my comments when my mind keeps having images and questions
We both were already divorced . She was a childhood friend of my cousin and I friended her on MYspace and started talking to her then . We both dont have addiction problems .
Originally Posted by Empire1979
I lied alot . to not have problems or arguements ..
She tells me that I never put her first when I always though I did . she has very low image of herself . she is jelous of my kids my ex and the life we had prior to her and I
What did you lie about?
Empire you are receiving great advice from excellent vets who have helped many marriages and many MBers to personally recover. Please listen to their advice and answer any question they may have, you have a narrow path for recovery and if you follow the MB principles you have a chance.

I agree you need to move back home.
I lied about my ex It was always about my ex ..Cause she was so insecure it would cause a arguement . She would almost have panick attacks when I have to pick them up every other weekend .It was getting crazy . She started to form resenment against my kids and would leave when I got them for the weekend
Originally Posted by Empire1979
I wanna move home but I feel we are not ready yet ..


Empire, the sooner you move home, the sooner you can learn new skills that can transform your marriage.

You are making the problem worse by being separated, but I am not telling you anything you don't already know. You had a basic, garden variety fighting problem and you have escalated it into a major disaster. Instead of digging a deeper hole, I would get out of the hole by moving home.

You can't fix your marriage problem if you aren't there. You have already proved this to be true.
So I move back home and everyday I start with my questions and it just pushes her farther and farther away . How can I deal with the issues in my head and deal with hers to am=nd stay nice with no emotion
Melody lane... That truely hit home ..can fix a problem without being near the problem . Thank you for the graet advise . But how do I stop the thoughts? It consumes me even at work
Originally Posted by Empire1979
I lied about my ex It was always about my ex ..Cause she was so insecure it would cause a arguement . She would almost have panick attacks when I have to pick them up every other weekend .It was getting crazy . She started to form resenment against my kids and would leave when I got them for the weekend

What was it about this arrangement that had her so upset?
Originally Posted by Empire1979
Melody lane... That truely hit home ..can fix a problem without being near the problem . Thank you for the graet advise . But how do I stop the thoughts? It consumes me even at work

You don't stop the thoughts. But you CAN replace them by creating a great marriage. And you can't create a great marriage if you aren't there. You have to have a plan to turn this around.
She was just insecure.. she though I wanted my ex back and was just with her to make her jealous and She was a live in babysitter when i had to work on saturday ...I heard it all ... plus she knows that I had a visectomy with my first wife so her and I wont have what my ex and I had together .. kids familt that type of stuff
So say I move back home tomorrow ..what next ? I have no plan cause I never got the manual of marriage?
Originally Posted by Empire1979
I lied about my ex It was always about my ex ..Cause she was so insecure it would cause a arguement . She would almost have panick attacks when I have to pick them up every other weekend .It was getting crazy . She started to form resenment against my kids and would leave when I got them for the weekend
She is insecure because you continue to have a relationship with your former wife. Can you make arrangements so you and your ex don't have to communicate or see each other when there is an exchange?
Originally Posted by Empire1979
She was just insecure.. she though I wanted my ex back and was just with her to make her jealous and She was a live in babysitter when i had to work on saturday ...I heard it all ... plus she knows that I had a visectomy with my first wife so her and I wont have what my ex and I had together .. kids familt that type of stuff

Your wife probably felt that she was placed 2nd and 3rd after your x-wife and your kids, which would naturally lead to insecurity. Did she have any voice in decisions regarding visitation and your communication with your X-wife? having to babysit your kids in such an environment would be a nightmare for most women so I can understand how she felt. And to be called "insecure" for hating the situation would have added insult to injury.

Do you still communicate with your X-wife? How does your wife feel about that?
NO I wish there was . But I moved to Florida to be near my kids so Im alone down here my family is all up north ..So there is no way not to see her during the exchange .. but remember she has a ex also but It doesnt bother me I guess
I only have ever talked to my ex when it came to the kids other than that nothing,, i love my wife im a faithful husband ...
empire I assume that your wife knew you had a vasectomy before she married you yet she still married you knowing that you would not have a child together. That should be a non issue.
Originally Posted by Empire1979
So say I move back home tomorrow ..what next ? I have no plan cause I never got the manual of marriage?
Get a sitter for the kids and take your wife out to a romantic dinner. Let her know that things are going to be different.

Bring her here.

Unless there's something about those "lies" you've told her that we need to know about. Let's talk about those first.
So are you saying her insecuritys and my lies is ok to bang another dude?
Empire there is NEVER a reason to have an affair.
But it bacame a issue . I will try to get her on hear tomorrow after church , so she can give her side to get a honest opinion and help
Originally Posted by Empire1979
So are you saying her insecuritys and my lies is ok to bang another dude?

The Harleys say "there may be reasons for an affair, but NEVER excuses"
Originally Posted by Empire1979
NO I wish there was . But I moved to Florida to be near my kids so Im alone down here my family is all up north ..So there is no way not to see her during the exchange .. but remember she has a ex also but It doesnt bother me I guess
You can take a friend to pick up the kids, so you don't have to see your former wife. Easy. Make sure your current wife is there with you, to welcome her stepchildren with open arms.

Easy. Done.
She doesnt go with me I offer but she cant even hab]dle seeing my ex cause she feals like she will have a panic attack
Originally Posted by Empire1979
I only have ever talked to my ex when it came to the kids other than that nothing,, i love my wife im a faithful husband ...

Is your wife enthusiastic about you communicating with your ex-wife? Is she enthusiastic about the visitation schedule? Are you taking her feelings into account when it comes to dealing with your X-wife and your children? Because it sounds to me like your wife is not being considered at all in this scenario.

Most blended families end up in divorce within 5 years because of these kinds of issues. These kinds of issues quickly erode the love in the marriage. The ones that do make it are the ones who learn to successfully negotiate decisions that take BOTH spouses' feelings into account. It sounds like you have made many unilateral decisions at her expense. That has led to your fights and it has probably greatly affected the love in your marriage. It has caused you to be incompatible.

You can change that *IF* you can both learn to use the policy of joint agreement, which is to never make a decision unless you both enthusiastically agree. Dr Harley addresses it right here: How to Raise Children in a Blended Family and Keep Love in Your Marriage


I am not ignoring the fact that she had an affair, but its important to understand how you became so incompatible.

Originally Posted by Empire1979
So are you saying her insecuritys and my lies is ok to bang another dude?
No, not at all. We're still trying to get the whole story! What are her 'insecurities'?? What are your lies??

HELP US HELP YOU.
Originally Posted by Empire1979
So are you saying her insecuritys and my lies is ok to bang another dude?

Of course not. She had an affair because she has poor boundaries around men and because your marriage is a wreck.
Originally Posted by Empire1979
She doesnt go with me I offer but she cant even hab]dle seeing my ex cause she feals like she will have a panic attack

How would your wife prefer this exchange take place?
Ok so here is a insite on her insecuritys ...She wont go to the bathroom while we are out to eat because she scared of what people will think about her when she walks by them . She is super negative about her weight .. Whoich is crazy cause shes 53 and 142 lbs ... I mean just a beautful woman . But she is so down on her self and I have never talked down to her about anything Im super positive
Originally Posted by Empire1979
She doesnt go with me I offer but she cant even hab]dle seeing my ex cause she feals like she will have a panic attack
Your wife has every right to go with you to receive her step-children. Why does she feel like she is going to have a panic attack?

If that is the case, then you can go with a trusted friend to pick up your children. Your wife can stay home, making a great dinner for the family.

Does your wife personally know your ex?
nope she doesnt know her personally at all. she tellsme my exs intimidates her
Please listen to these clips on Blended families.
Radio clip on Blended families
Segment #2
Sounds like both of you need to make an appointment with a medical doctor and see about getting on some antidepressants or anxiety medicine. Maybe that would help you both get through this mess and start healing your marriage.
Here's a really good call on blended families.
Radio clips on Blended Families
Segment #2
Segment #3
Segment #4
Originally Posted by lightsout
Sounds like both of you need to make an appointment with a medical doctor and see about getting on some antidepressants or anxiety medicine. Maybe that would help you both get through this mess and start healing your marriage.
It sounds to me like the two of you need to schedule an appointment with Steve Harley. Are you both willing to repair your marriage by doing that?
I have to agree with you on that also.
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