Marriage Builders
Hi.
This is my first time posting to this forum. I feel pretty depressed and disgusting at the moment and I have hit my rock bottom. I introduced my BH to this site but I don't know how much he has looked at it.

He is very very angry with me and hurt so deeply ...as am I. My affair was with a coworker and relatively short(about 3 months). After I came clean when he confronted me, I didn't let go right away and slept with him one more time. That was at the beginning of june.

BH confronted me while very drunk waking me up wanting to see my phone records while he has several of his friends in the room. I had a complete mental breakdown that ended with me needing a 1 week inpatient stay to gather myself once again. I was terrified and had the first panic attack of my life.

BH without being prompted by any website called OM on his own while I was still at the hospital, he also told many mutual friends and his family. This mortified me and made me very embarrassed and angry at first but I am glad he did it now. It guaranteed no contact between OM and I. He threw me out when I was released from the hospital and I am at my father's house trying to recover.It has only been a few weeks that I have been staying with my parents. I missed OM a little at first,but I more was consumed by guilt for lying to him as well and wanted to apologize. The guilt amazingly like the website said it would has faded in about three weeks. I care not about apologizing to OM and what attracted me to him makes no sense to me anymore.


My focus has been on my BH. This is all still very new for both of us and I want to help him see that I will do whatever it takes to put my best work into us. I want to show him I am for real. I am willing to have him carry my phone, change my number, give him all my passwords, etc. But I also want to know what I should be doing to meet his EN.

He travels out of town a lot for his job and I will be a full time student in the fall. We are living in two seperate states. So it is going to be difficult to have a lot of time together. I want to be home with him so much but I know he isnt ready to have me there. I am taking antidepressants and going to a therapist on my own to work on my self esteem issues already made worse by this horrible thing I have done. I am in group therapy as well. I am struggling with not knowing if he will take me back or not. I love him desperately and totally and the fact that I have done this to him tears me apart.

He has opened a Plenty of Fish account and has gone on lunch dates and whatnot. I don't think he is up to anything but I do feel like it indicates he isn't willing or ready to work it out with me.

My biggest hesitation is that he has frequently been drinking himself into oblivion and will say horrible things to me when he is drunk. His behavior the night he wanted to see my phone records also disturbed me. He did not hit me but physically restrained me. I know that I am in no position to bargain with him. And he is perfectly rational when he is not drinking. Should I just put my issues with it aside now and focus on his needs?

What should I make my next step with him?
Welcome houseelf, you are in the right place to learn how to recover your marriage. We have quite a few former wayward wives
(Fww) who can help you out.

Good for you for taking the first step in coming Herr
~RQ
Ps his alcoholism is a huge issue that will need to be.addressed!!
Thanks for the welcome! I was a little afraid to post knowing that there are so many here that are on the other really horrible end of what selfish people like me do.

BH pretty much is destroyed over this. He has lots of AOs with me. I'm wanting to be patient but his words still wound me and yes most of the time it is when he is drunk.

I want to address the drinking but I feel that it would be the wrong time to do it when we are so fragile. Is this foolish?
There are many here that have been betrayed, but please don't be scared off. We want to help you and if some of the advice seems harsh, it is for your own good wink

Has he had a drinking problem for a long time? Have you looked into Al-anon for yourself? I would definitely hesitate to restore the marriage unless he was willing to quit the drinking. And he has no right to verbally assault you regardless. That is a huge Lovebuster and needs to stop.

Does he know you are posting here? Do you speak or see each other on a regular basis?
Hi houseelf, welcome to Marriage Builders.

Are you married? If so, how long married?

Do you still work with the OM?

Is your husband an alcoholic?
6 years, no kids.

I resigned from my job. And OM took another job. I am willing to change my number if BH gives me the word. There should be no risk of OM and I being in contact again.

BH drinks and can get blackout hideous drunk sometimes and has used other substances including opiate painkillers, cocaine, and heroin sporadically. He also gambles several times a week.

I am not a drinker or drug user myself except for a glass of wine with a fancy dinner here and there. HOWEVER I swallowed my feelings about it for years. I lied to him and told him I was fine with a lot of things I was not ok with at all. I lied about nearly everything I was feeling so he still found me
to be perfectly permissive. I got very good at being dishonest.

I was very emotionally spent when I had the affair but I am not ok with how I handled myself at all especially after I've looked back at what I did. I was intoxicated on the admiration affection and validation I was getting and behaved like a 14 year old. I lied to both of them equally. OM thought I had left BH. There is no excuse for telling the lies I did or carrying on like I did for months.
He doesn't know I am posting here yet but I am not going to hide it from him either. If he checks my email or browser history he will know.

We talk on the phone or text or both daily. I saw him last week for a day and that was the first time since I moved in with my parents.
Originally Posted by HouseElf
6 years, no kids.

I resigned from my job. And OM took another job. I am willing to change my number if BH gives me the word. There should be no risk of OM and I being in contact again.

Change your number anyway. The addiction to OM that disgusts you so can always be retriggered if he contacts you. Do it for yourself and demonstrate it to your H.

Originally Posted by HouseElf
BH drinks and can get blackout hideous drunk sometimes and has used other substances including opiate painkillers, cocaine, and heroin sporadically. He also gambles several times a week.


You can't recover with an active alcoholic or gambler. The addictions will always come first. You'll have to insist on treatment.

Originally Posted by HouseElf
I lied to him and told him I was fine with a lot of things I was not ok with at all. I lied about nearly everything I was feeling so he still found me
to be perfectly permissive. I got very good at being dishonest.


Sacrifice is like cancer to a marriage. You must stop enabling him today.

Originally Posted by HouseElf
There is no excuse for telling the lies I did or carrying on like I did for months.


No there isn't.
Welcome to Marriagebuilders!
I think I will proactively change my number! It is pretty exciting to be able to do something without being asked or having it demanded of me.

Do you think it better from me to withdraw from BH and focus on AlAnon instead? I do feel I need to compensate him somehow for the huge amount of hurt I have caused him.
Originally Posted by HouseElf
Do you think it better from me to withdraw from BH and focus on AlAnon instead? I do feel I need to compensate him somehow for the huge amount of hurt I have caused him.


Yes. You will not compensate him by enabling him. Tough love is required for addictions.

Think about it. YOU have just gone through withdrawal for an addiction that made you do and say crazy things. What freed you? Tough love and exposure.

If your H had patted you on the back, said 'there there' 'Ill always be here for you', you'd never have freed yourself.

Oh and good call on the number. Remeber to block him on FB, change email and have a plan in place to throw away any letters or notes unread, and to just walk in the opposite direction should you ever see him.
I don't have facebook or any other social site that I belong to. OM doesn't have my personal email. We only communicated at work and on the phone. I have always been a face to face kind of person when it came to socializing and I am very low key by nature. I thought I was immune to ever having an affair.

Now that I live nearly 3 hours from OM I doubt I will bump into him at the gas station. OM does know where I go to school though.

Now with BH, I can't do anything with this until I start AlAnon? I know I am a classic enabler. He would always brag about landing the perfect woman to his friends. I know part of my perfection was providing zero resistance to his habits as I discovered them. Ugh. I am not comfortable with confronting him about his polysubstance use at all right on the heels of betraying him horribly.

I do not blame his drug use for me having the affair. I ate my emotions like it was my only job. I didn't express my needs to him at all.

t/j

indiegirl, I am watching HGTV tonight which features 2 Texans moving to Great Britian. It is really funny to watch them snicker about the funny terms the realtor uses. They are laughing about the term 'conservatry." rotflmao

what is that??

They are quite horrified at the small houses!!
A conservatory is a glass room leading out in to the garden.

Best way to enjoy a garden and catch some rays in this rainy windy island is under glass!

And yeah, our houses are dinky!
Hey House elf
Welcome to MB
Lotsa good advice here for everyone.

I can understand that mistake, being an enabler, thinking I will "love",them out of the selfish drug use, hoping to be the answer to thier sorrows...

Blah, Belch, Bullcrap..

I left my wife when she wouldn't stop drinking, and it would have been the best thing I ever did for her if I..
1. Insisted on AA and stuck with it.
2. Had the support of a place like this and stayed in the Alanon meetings
3. Did not get involved with another woman after three months of being alone. Didn't plan it that way, but I allowed it to happen anyways..All the songs on the radio and poor me..uh Boo-Hoo

In my case I stayed with that woman, until she had enough waiting also, because I was just using her too, because.."hurt people hurt people" She was smart enough to dump me eventually.

Then I went back, broken hearted to someone who did not go to AA, and in the long run it just went around and cycled again.

My big warning is to get professional help, from Dr H.,(Who also counselled and ran drug clinics in the past), and get it and stick to it like your life depended on it, it really does.

Good luck and God Bless with this struggle.

BTW My wife succumbed to the lies of drugs and alcohol was her favorite..eventually she got to heroin, and crack, by then it was all over as it took her life. Not in an overdose, with the complications and bone cancer.

She was smarter than all of the people who warned her too
constantprocess thank you for sharing your experience with me. It makes me feel more human already to know somebody at least knows how hopeless and confusing it felt to watch him move from one addiction to the next.

I do love him very much still and want to work it out with him. It seems to me if I am drawing some comfort from just talking to another person who has been there, I might do pretty well with AlAnon too.

I am going to start there.
Please do HouseElf

The only reason I am here was because I saw the Wisdom in Dr Hs words when I did a search on Google about "what to do about addiction is marriages" About two years ago after my wifes death.

I knew there had to be some answers out here. "What happened to me?" "How did I lose her?" "What happened?"

No matter what I sacrificed I could not help someone who didnt want to be helped, all of it was just throwing good after bad, and it comes down to your own self-worth. Yes, as much as it seems so unfair, its up to you to take care of you first.

Alanon, or as it was called in the past, "Children and family of Alcoholics", is a great help in the practical understanding and the pitfalls of loving an alcoholic.

I want to warn you about sympathy, and not to have much for the alcoholic. Empathy sure but not sympathy. Let me explain it as I understand it.

Sympathy means you take part of the problem emotionally, and thier problems become your problems. The pain, the worry, and all the issues too. The problems become yours

Empathy is an understanding without emotional involvement. You still understand he difficulty, and its depth, but you remain on the outside looking in.

Sound cold? well its not, because many of the issues cannot be fixed or understood, and the best you can do is not acknowledge them as real in the first place. "No you don't need a drink, or some drug, you need to pull your head out of yur azz!"

That was my stand the first time I left years ago, and it brought her to sobriety after 7 months, but she would not go to AA. I had to be away for two years with no hope of reconciliation for her to get 1/2 way serious too.

See if you were to follow Dr Hs advice, you would do better than I did, because it was way back in the late 80s when I did this and I did it alone, not knowing anything about his help or if the program even existed then.

Dr H will not even counsel a marriage if drugs or alcohol are present..because the old adage.."They are in love with the bottle" is still true today with now other drugs in the world also

In my case I went back to a crippled marriage without going through with the whole treatment that we both needed. Yes both, although I was not a user or drinker. I was desperately in love and needy and weak, thinking and believing I was strong enough, and I wasn't.

Dr H and his reality check for a marriage are real and full of truth. But you need to separate your heart from him and be objective, even if it seems cold, its not.

His sobriety is between him and God first, reality, the cold hard facts, the truth. You are second, if you want to help him.

Yeah it seems backward I know.

Seek all the help you can get from professionals, and the people on the forum. Its not all up to you, you don't keep the world spinning.

Please don't make the mistake of accepting a crippled marriage as your only choice
Today I told him how his use of drugs and alcohol and going to casinos and disappearing hours and hours at a time made me feel in the relationship. I told him how much it hurt me to be abandondoned in our home for days at a time so he could spend it with his male friends in a city 2 hours away from us. I knew that he was around people who felt that he was doing nothing wrong. I told him how unsafe it made me feel to think about bringing kids into our messy lives.

I told him about my plans to do AlAnon and that we cannot work on us until he gets treatment. I told him it is his choice to decide if he wants to make the changes I need. I told him again that I am very sorry for what I did and there is no justification for it.
HouseElf. I am a BH new to the forum. I am am trying to work things out with my WS. As the victim in my case I can say GREAT that you are here and trying to make things work. Please do not be discouraged. Your BH is probably doing the same things I have done. Go through anger, depression, sadness, remorse etc (sometimes over and over changing the mood and emotion back and forth). It is not easy for him and the alcohol is not helping. I HAVE to tell you I am VERY jealous that you turned around and want your marriage to work ( I pray and wish my WS would do the same things you are).

Walk a mile in his shoes and try understand what he is going through BUT he should stop the drinking and "fish" dating. Please don't loose hope. You are at the start of a long and difficult road BUT you are on the road and know where you want to be. Good luck on the journey. Do not loose hope.
Gonna go out on a limb here. Maybe the vets will come and cut the limb, so it's OK
First of all welcome to MB loveher. This place is a tough place to be for a while, but much good toughlove is here

First of all, I understand about trying to walk in thier shoes, but I warn people about "feeling", or trying to "understand", what "they are going through"

It hurts you also to give too much credit to them as they have pushed you aside for their own selfishness.

Just be careful of what you are willing to allow that's all I'm saying for the waywards treatment of you. If they respected you and felt your heart was something they should have protected, the old adage,"If you were sorry you wouldn't have done it!" , rings true every time.

Now if they stop the behavior, in time before you jump ship, you can think about forgiveness, but that is your choice at that time, not before they repent.

Don't forget that they didn't respect your heart an intentions, no matter how much you screwed up personally. They stomped on the rules for trust in that relationship they swore to uphold to all things good and holy.

You were worth that respect

Dr H has helped many repair their damaged relationships through the reality of the application of Love and it's application.

Let's not try and change the meaning of Love to fit the waywards world and thier viewpoint, that's what started this whole mess do begin with don't you agree?
Is there anything at all to let him know I am still working hard on my recovery too? I don't want him to think I am looking for a way to pick things back up with OM and I am sure that is where his thoughts will go first.

I have offered to remain transparent in my actions to him. Should I be looking to a female friend or the board to help with accountability? I don't know what would be best if I am to maintain distance for the sake of my BH and his recovery.
Can you get an Intermediate, or an IM as it is called here?

There are rules and tricks to being an IM..Read the threads dedicated to them, it saves so much hassle
Do I need one? I mean I am the one who had the A and I am not trying to defend myself or my actions here. Do I need to shield myself? I still want to remain open... somehow.

I have no problem with keeping some sort of communication with him and he seems to want to hear everything I have to say. I don't want to make this about him and his addiction when I am still trying to accept what I have done. I am a long way from better/recovered.
Here is the thing as I see it
Yes you made matters worse by having the A, but if you bounce back and go into I'm sorry it's all my fault mode, it is less than honest

In my case my wife had both drinking and infidelity years before I left her for it, but I allowed for the infidelity because she drank

It gets complicated ad you sort this out, and he has some issues to deal with also

What I don't want is for you to try and handle it and take the blame for everything, although you do have to take the blame for the adultry

So an IM or at least a referree should be involved because you both are in the position to hurt each other

It doesn't matter who did what first, you both screwed up and need to own what you did

I don't think he is ready either, neither of you are, not without help and a plan set out for recovery

Therefore you need a professional and someone that can help bridge the difference.

Someone who can tell him you are working on the right things, and insure he is also, without all the emotion baggage in tow and blocking your thinking.

You are likely to take all the blame for everything, and ignore his behavior so you might have a false recovery. One where very important emotional issues are ignored

You don't want that believe me
I found a meeting I can go to tomorrow evening. I am really overwhelmed by the urge to rush in and try to fix everything. I will have to think about who I can trust to be an effective IM. The way you have reframed things for me was again very helpful.

This is a huge mess I am in. Wow.
Take your time you have a very long road ahead of you. I will give you the same heartfelt advice that was given to me, work on cleaning up your side of the street. I know you want to help your H but he has to be willing to help himself. Trying to work on yourself and him can be overwhelming and might put you over the edge.

I am in no way saying to give up on him but don't push it if he is not willing to work on himself. Learn who you are and what you want to change about yourself. You are in a great place with this site and seem to be un a great place to really work on yourself.
HouseElf, I'm curious about one thing and I apologize if this has been asked, answered and I missed it. Has your BH always been a massive drinker, or was your affair the catalyst of his drinking himself into oblivion (your words) most nights?

Personal experience begs me to ask this question, because I like to have a few beers or scotches myself. But when my last, uh, episode happened I drank myself into oblivion as well trying anything to dull the immense pain with which I was dealing. Well, it didn't help. I still had infidelity to deal with, and had to do it with day after day hangovers. Not a good solution to an emotional trauma, even though it seemed like a good idea at the time.
His primary issue was and continues to be opiate painkillers. The alcohol use has been episodic, sometimes it was related to marital strife. But often it wasn't. For our entire six years it has been an off and on problem.

On just the painkillers he would mostly just ignore/neglect me in our interactions. He spent a lot of time away from our home, sometimes days to get high with his friends in a city two hours away. There was a period of time a few years ago he was taking pills hand over fist. It led to me making lots of threats and demands and he was scared clean for awhile.

They crept back in. Then the drinking did too and then he started this casino thing out of the thin blue air this year.

Since the A he went on a terrifying bender. He discolsed to me that shortly after the A he started using heroin and taking whatever drugs he could because he no longer cared if he lived or died. His behavior became very erratic and not him and his words were just.... well the must hurtful things I haveever heard in my life.

It is hard to not beat myself up daily for the dramatic increase of all of the drinking and drugging. When we would talk about the A,I couldn't tell if he was wounded, insane, or just blasted on assorted substances. I really cannot tell when he is on what anymore.

He seems to be slowing down on the drug use and has been a lot calmer since I moved back into my fathers home. But I can't verify it.
You can only fix your side of the fence. Your BH will have to clean his side with the drugs and alcohol abuse. When you were dating and married him, were you aware of his addiction issues or did you brush them off as to say, if he loved me he would stop or that you could help him?


I think I was pretty blind to signs that may have been tell-tale to others. I come from a family where nobody even drinks, prior to H I had no experience with addicts at all.

I was very enchanted by my H and his good looks, his endless charm and his rock and roll lifestyle. I jumped in with both feet never looking.

I was never a partier or heavy drinker myself. I discovered the norcos first when I was lovingly packing his bag for a weekend away. I asked him about them and he pretty minimized both their impact and the amount of pills he was taking. I even took them with him a few times... trying to wrap my head around it and figure it all out. I went as far as obtaining them for him! Yes, I made drug deals for my H. He was much more darling on them then he was off of them.

I thought he would grow out of it... or wake up to the fantastic woman who was waiting for him at home.

OM definitely took that angle with me... and it felt nice to be told I was fantastic and H was effing up something "other men would blablabla etc."

I fell like ahouse of cards. There are quite a few disgusting things I have done. Telling the truth has been a balm for my aching heart. I've told so many lies.. so many.

H didn't have to tell my parents or my dearest friends. Once it was out of the bag, I confessed to all of them. Even to my wonderful,flawless, saintlike father I confessed. It was such a relief. I apologized to h's parents. I need to get all of this out of me. I have been carrying so much crap around for so long.
(House)

Stick around.
Originally Posted by HouseElf
I thought he would grow out of it... or wake up to the fantastic woman who was waiting for him at home.

Yeah, I was there as well....hoping, praying.....that will not fix his problem.....and you cannot fix his problem.

And as Surfer said......stick around.
Thank you ...words really can not express the gratitude I have for the kindness of strangers right now.

Tomorrow is another day...(((HouseElff))))). Get some sleep. There is an unusual army around you that you can't "see". Let tomorrow come in 8 or 9 hours versus 3 or 4. smile
I would encourage you to attend an AlAnon meeting so you can learn to emotionally disconnect from your husband and not be co dependent on him.

If you are able to do so, and ready to do so, divorce will be your best option.

But you need to focus on yourself and AlAnon can teach you how to do that
I do not want to consider divorce unless there is no other option and all others have been tried with everything I have. I understand that addiction is a big deal and I am eager to try AlAnon. My brain has been quite addled for a quite a long time trying to figue out everything on my own. I will admit readily that dealing with his addiction has left me in a weakened state. And I agree I am co-dependant.

I do not want to make this just about him and his issues. I am the one who went outside of the marriage, I am the one who has cheated and lied and betrayed the love of my life. It is important to me to honestly work through what I have done too. I know much of this was tied to my self-esteem. It was all about not being 'good enough' for me. If I was good enough he would sleep with me, If I was good enough he wouldn't take off with no warning in the middle of the week leaving me confused. If I was good enough he would reach out to me, talk to me, demonstrate to me that he still loved me.... somehow. And yes, if I was good enough he would quit using.

I'm pretty sure this is what happens with co-dependant thinking.. .yes? I drove myself nuts. I was a confident woman once. I was used to knowing what my gifts were and what I had to offer. Everything has changed now. I could fake it for a long time. Now I can't. I don't want another man to even look at me again. I am truly broken over what I have done. Disgusted. I feel like I woke up in the middle of a nightmare. Looking back, OM wasn't even attractive to me, we had nothing in common other than our mutual hatred of drugs and alcohol. I did feel safe though and adored. It was a big deal to me.
You cannot work on your marriage while the drug and alcohol addiction is active. That is his mess to clean up not yours. Do not take on trying to fix him, you cannot. Believe me, i sure as heck tried to fix/help/enable my WS.

Your affair is your mess...that is what i mean by your side of the fence.
So individual therapy and AlAnon for me? No compensation for him? It feels like I have been given a get out of jail free card and I don't like it. At all.

It feels so... selfish. "Hey honey, now that I have hurt you in the worst way possible I want to put that aside because your addiction is a problem."

Essentially that is what I am going to be doing...right?
Here's what Dr. Harley has to say.

Here's a clip of Dr. Harley talking about alcoholics.

Please listen to this clip.
Radio clip on alcoholic
In this clip Dr. Harley explains why he says there are times to demand things at certain times.
Have you seen this?
Alcoholic Spouse #1
I did read that article before I posted and I think I am still in denial. I want there to be something I can do for him despite the copious volume of examples of why I can't do anything right now.

I have a lot of guilt. Ugh. Crippling guilt and self-loathing. I am honestly still trying to find a way to do right by him for the A. My brain is firmly stuck on what I have done. I need to feel like I am doing something to make amends for MY transgression.

I know my biggest mistake was poor boundaries with the opposite sex. OM and I worked side by side in very adverse conditions and not only had lots of time together but we also protected each other from physical harm. It was a powerful bond. I can never talk about my personal life especially my struggles with any man ever again. That makes sense to me and I can do that now.

But what else?

I ordered SAA and I am looking forward to chapter 14.
Originally Posted by HouseElf
I want there to be something

I get the feeling you are hoping for "the grand gesture" which will make a huge impact on your H's healing timeline.
Sorry, that's not going to happen right away.

For a moment, let's focus on the small but important baby steps you can take today, to make home a more comforting place.

Do all the domestic duties with finesse. Gladly and without expectations of a "thank-you" or even recognition.
Cook most deliciously. Serve meals in a beautiful way.
Do his laundry including ironing his clothing. In fact, iron the sheets.
This is mundane work, I know. But it is a very concrete way to show effort instead of "talk talk talk' ... which right now is suspicious if not meaningless for him. If you dare tell me "I'm already doing all of that" MrRollieEyes I will say to you "Then multiply your efforts."

Make sense? Will you do that step for now? Be Suzie-Homemaker with a smile and an upbeat attitude.

Quote
I have a lot of guilt. Ugh. Crippling guilt and self-loathing.

You are entitled to your feelings. Feelings just are. And, feelings are ever-changing. Your challenge is to not act out those emotions for your hurting/healing husband. Believe me when I tell you that nothing about what you wrote (above) helps the marriage. Sure, he's glad you feel remorse, but if you put your focus on what you are feeling (crummy) you will miss opportunities to help him. And guess what! When you begin focusing on helping your healing husband, you will slowly start to feel better about yourself.

Be very conscious about wanting things to happen quickly. This is a process. You must trust the process.

Best to you & your marriage recovery.

Continue posting.
He has not welcomed me back to the home. I remain in my fathers home in another state. I won't be able to provide domestic support.

I am looking for a grand gesture, yes. I just wounded him deeply with my A and now I feel like I am abandoning him for Alanon. I know it has to be done. I just want to build him up a little if a lot isn't possible. Somehow?
Yes I understand you want to build him up, but your out of the picture now as to what he needs. All that is nice but it is for your conscience really.

As another poster said, you have to look at your side of the street for now.

You got baited into screwing yourself over and committing adultery, as much as was done to you, all the bull-crap of drugs and alcohol and his wild rebellious crazy ways. Until you couldn't take it anymore, and you fell too.

Now your part of this site which is trying to help, and you want to share that with your H, or at least the advice as much as you can..

We Get it Helf, we really do. I myself have been there right where you are, wanting to share my vision with my late wife of happiness without alcohol, when in truth there were still issues I had to deal with about my first wife that were not complacently settled.

The best place you can be is alone with your God right now, and He alone with His.

That's where we end up anyways, in our Daddy's loving arms. We are never truly alone
CP I am leaving for my first meeting in two hours... I'm out of any other ideas.

I am heartbroken. I am so in love with my darling BH. I am hanging on like mad to this dream of him shedding these addictions and becoming the man I have had glimpses of before...

It is a child's wish. Which is appropriate since I have spent much of this year acting like one.

I will let you know how it goes.
Originally Posted by ConstantProcess
You got baited into screwing yourself over and committing adultery, as much as was done to you, all the bull-crap of drugs and alcohol and his wild rebellious crazy ways. Until you couldn't take it anymore, and you fell too.


You know...I don't think I was baited. I was looking for safety, stability, comfort, admiration, and yes physical touch. OM could have been any man given the right circumstance. I will accept that I was weak... I think I was reaching out. I was looking for somebody to grab on.
Originally Posted by HouseElf
You know...I don't think I was baited. I was looking for safety, stability, comfort, admiration, and yes physical touch. OM could have been any man given the right circumstance. I will accept that I was weak... I think I was reaching out. I was looking for somebody to grab on.

Yeah I know..Same here years ago..after the three years of crap I took when she was drinking.

Thing is, he started the abuse..first selfabuse what seems so noble and of course didn't have anything to do with you..but of course it does, because you were married..

Everything he does to himself he does to you too..when your married.

You no longer are your own and it all matters..when your married.

The good book warns us about this. Yes you were baited, and no its no excuse. But wanting to be loved and held without drugs and/or alcohol is what you wanted, and is what I wanted, after much abuse I took. And the sad thing is, nobody especially God asked me to do it.

We went looking for trouble and wanted to be someones hero. Thats the truth

How did the Alanon meeting go? Its a support group and has lots of information available also and it is a link to books also.

Become a sponge for information, knowledge is the power that you will use to heal
Originally Posted by HouseElf
It is a child's wish. Which is appropriate since I have spent much of this year acting like one.

...

Yeah don't forget your Gods child first
I discovered I am a public crier. The first time was when they read the beginner's welcome to me. It wasn't the last.

It was a small group and I was young enough to be the child of the rest of the people there. I liked it that way though. It was very structured and everyone there was in recovery for a long time.

We talked about detachment of all things. I felt immediately that somebody bigger than me was looking out for me tonight. As people shared how it worked (and sometimes didn't work) for them and situations where they struggled ... I mean ... wow...

I just knew I was in the right place. Nearly everyone in the room said something I could relate to and identify exactly when and where I was when I felt the same way. I broke down a lot when people were sharing. I knew I didn't have to share myself, but I did a little. It was intense... very. Everybody hugged me thanked me for sharing and more than one said "I was exactly where you are right now, it gets better."

I am going to a meeting tomorrow.
I am glad you went. The only place they have alanon meetings near me is once weekly at a mens alcohol rehab center....i just dont feel comfortable with that whole scene (being near alcoholic men).......so i read, study, IC, friends, family and have MB for support. Keep going and keep with your support circle. hug
Funny you mentioned that...that meeting was downstairs. Two well intentioned men tried to intercept me. "the meeting is down here!"

I probably told them I was looking for the Al-Anon meeting with just a little too much force. Then I followed all the sweet silver haired ladies upstairs.

Being hugged by half a dozen grandmothers is the best feeling in the world.
I do hope the Al-Anon meeting is not co-ed. You don't want to put yourself in that situation. If it is co-ed, I would suggest you find another meeting. Dangerous waters, otherwise
RQ you make a good point. The majority of the group was women in their sixties and a few of their husbands. There were two mothers around my age. I feel it would be a 'safe' group if I cannot find a women's only group.

(((House)))
Awesome House, you got blessed and are being watched over

RQ is right about warning you of emotional attachments to men, but if the majority are Grandmas who are there to help you, I think you are in a safe place

Congrats on finding the right group
Originally Posted by HouseElf
"I was exactly where you are right now, it gets better."

I am going to a meeting tomorrow.

HE

Welcome to MB's.

Happy to see you went. Give it a few months of meetings. It does get better as you discover who you are and what you really believe in.

(((((((((((HE))))))))))

nESRE
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