Developed by Brits Brat, board member and corporate attorney--

To Whom It May Concern:

This letter is to bring a matter to your attention that may be a violation of your Company's Code of Conduct and/or other policies, procedures and business ethics.

WS and WS are involved in an extramarital affair that is taking place, primarily, in the workplace. Aside from the potential sexual harassment claims this situation presents, it also involves the inappropriate use of company resources and assets. WS and WS are using company time and company resources to further their affair. If you check the call histories on their office and cell phones along with their workstation computers, you will find the two of them are spending an inordinate amount of what should be productive work time to further their sexual relationship.

If you have any questions, please call me at xxx-xxxx. Otherwise, I will anticipate a response from you once you have investigated these concerns and taken appropriate corrective action.

Regards,

Here is a workplace exposure letter to send to HR, CEO, and WH supervisor. Keep this for when you are ready for exposure. Do exposure all at once.

MM If you send this letter, then you and your family should be prepared for your WH being terminated from his job. Just be clear on such point. Depending on the nature of his employment, disciplinary action could "include, but is not limited to, termination of employment".

Most victimized spouses intuitively understand that all contact with a lover must end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to someone who has been through hell. What victimized spouse would ever want to know that his or her spouse is seeing or communicating with a former lover at work or in some other activity?

In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure.

MM If you send this letter, then you and your family should be prepared for your WH being terminated from his job. Just be clear on such point. Depending on the nature of his employment, disciplinary action could "include, but is not limited to, termination of employment".

MM. You need to also be clear on the point that WH must go no contact for LIFE with this OW. That often means finding a new job and relocating if necessary.

MM If your WH is fired from his job 'for cause', cannot collect unemployment, and/or cannot find another job, are your finances all in order to address this additional financial stress on top of the other issues in your marriage? You need to consider a sudden loss of income, and the timing. Perhaps you and your WH would prefer he leave employment voluntarily and after he has secured another source of income? Please be aware that depending on the nature of his employment, disciplinary action could "include, but is not limited to, termination of employment"

MM If your WH is fired from his job 'for cause', cannot collect unemployment, and/or cannot find another job, are your finances all in order to address this additional financial stress on top of the other issues in your marriage? You need to consider a sudden loss of income, and the timing. Perhaps you and your WH would prefer he leave employment voluntarily and after he has secured another source of income? Please be aware that depending on the nature of his employment, disciplinary action could "include, but is not limited to, termination of employment"

You should indeed be clear on the possibility of termination of employment, MM. The actions that companies take range from doing nothing, moving one or both parties to a different location, right up to dismissal of one - sometimes the person in the higher managerial position, sometimes the lower - or dismissal of both.

MM If you send this letter to your WH's employer, then you and your family should be prepared for your WH being terminated from his job. Just be clear on such point. Depending on the nature of his employment, disciplinary action could "include, but is not limited to, termination of employment". You may want to consider your financial situation and the timing.

I agree. but maybe she will never be actually 'satisfied'. Maybe I came along at a time when it was more important to find a father and provider versus a husband/lover. This has changed things for us. For example, I now look to other women as 'options' since I am told I'm good looking and I am well to do. I had never really looked at other women before, but if she finds or has the need desire to reunite with a former lover, why should I simply sit back and not interact with other women? These are not sexual interactions, but are women who I would have never struck up an acquaintance with but now say why not?

When Should An Affair Be Exposed?
By Dr. Willard F. Harley, Jr.
10.28.09

This week, again I�ll be taking a question from the Forum to help clear up a conflict regarding one of my common recommendations about when to expose an affair. The issue of exposure comes up when a betrayed spouse has first learned about the affair. Should it be exposed to others, or kept secret? I generally recommend exposure. When should it be exposed? I usually recommend that it be exposed immediately. To whom should it be exposed? I recommend that family, friends, children, clergy, and especially, the lover�s spouse be informed. Exposure in the workplace depends on several factors.

There are many reasons for this recommendation, but the primary reason is based on my belief that the more people know about what I do in my most private moments, the safer I am to others. Infidelity is one of the most painful experiences one spouse can inflict on the other, and it�s far less likely to take place, or continue to take place, when everyone knows about it.

Imagine how little crime would be committed if everyone�s activities were videotaped. Several weeks ago, a street fight in Minneapolis resulted in the death of a teenager. A gang of over 20 men were involved in his death. But it all happened in front of a host of surveillance cameras. The men involved in this murder will be arrested, tried, and sentenced. Minneapolis used to be called Murderapolis because of its extremely high murder rate. No more. The murder rate is now one of the lowest for a big city because people have traded in their privacy for security. People are now safer because they�re willing to have their activities recorded.

Another, almost equally important reason for exposure is that it usually provides support for the betrayed spouse at a time that their whole world is falling apart. When family, friends, clergy, and even children know what�s happening to the betrayed spouse they can provide considerable emotional support when it�s needed most.

But there are exceptions to exposure. Once in a while I don�t recommend it. A defense of exposure in general, and an explanation of the few exceptions are the topics of today�s column.

Abbreviations:
EA-Emotional Affair; D-Day-Discovery Day; MB-Marriage Builders; NC-No Contact; OM-Other Man; OMW-Other Man�s Wife; WW-Wayward Wife


Forum Member�s Question:

I know from my own counseling with Dr. Jennifer Harley Chalmers around D-day that she was very careful, almost reticent, about exposure. I KNOW that she was NOT for exposing to the world, and I believe all the Harleys were in some stage of reconsidering it. I think someone on the Forum quoted Steve Harley as saying he was more conservative than his dad about this issue, and even his dad was reconsidering it.

This past summer, when I was counseling with Steve Harley, he was similarly reticent every time I asked him about the advice I was getting here to broadly expose my WW�s EA. In fact, I was a little frustrated that I couldn't seem to get a straight answer out of him.

Essentially, Steve had me in a very "carrot-y" Plan A, and never even brought up the subject of exposure himself. He gave me the impression that he didn't think OM was much of a threat because there wasn't any clear evidence that he was actively pursuing my WW, although she was certainly reading his intentions as serious. (I was actively snooping at the time; the evidence wasn't there.)

So when I asked him about exposure, Steve initially told me to expose only to people who could offer me support and encouragement, which I'd essentially already done with family and close friends. WW was still furious about that, and also about my posting here, which is one reason my earlier thread no longer exists.

In a later session, after I'd seen that WW had broken NC to tell the OM that she was divorcing me and that she wanted to talk, I asked whether I should expose to OMW. Steve essentially waved me off, telling me that it would be very �tempting� but that I should focus on Plan A (although he didn't use the term).

Interesting twist here is that I ended up calling OMW anyway a week or so later, and after an hour-long conversation, talked to OM himself for another hour. Turns out OMW knew pretty much everything I did, but thought the only thing going on was in my WW's head. OM, of course, also denied any romantic intent (and was a miserably bad liar, too). Still, a few days later OM sent his own NC letter threatening legal action if either of us contacted them again, and my WW came out of her fog four days after that.?

So it's a bit of a bear to make sense of in the after-action report. Exposure seems to have worked its magic, although it's only correlation and not necessarily causation -- plus, of course, my WW came up with an entirely separate explanation for her change of heart. But exposure only worked after I basically ignored Steve's advice, which is sort of unsettling.

The whole experience has shaped my own attitude toward exposure. I still think it's not necessarily a one-size-fits-all antidote for infidelity, but I'm impressed with its power and the results it can produce�even a hesitant and graduated exposure like mine. Which is why, somewhat to my surprise, I've found myself enthusiastically recommending exposure to some of our newcomers here, even when it could bust up careers and have other serious consequences.

But I still find it curious that the Harleys don't address the concept of exposure�or of snooping, for that matter�in their public writing. I've subscribed to the MB newsletter for years and can't recall ever seeing exposure mentioned there. Why are the Harleys essentially quiet about it if exposure is truly a key weapon for fighting an affair?


Dr. Harley�s answer to Forum member�s questions:

It�s true that I have only addressed the issue of exposure on Marriage Builders� Radio and on the private Forum that is only available to those who attend the Marriage Builders� Weekend. So here goes my definitive answer that will help explain what may seem as contradictions from both Steve Harley and Jennifer Harley Chalmers.

Whenever a betrayed spouse tells me that they�ve just discovered their spouse�s affair, my advice is almost always the same: Let others know about it. Tell your children, family, friends, clergy, and especially the lover�s spouse, if they have one. And this is even to be done during what I call plan A (making an effort to make as many Love Bank deposits, and as few withdrawals as possible). The problem some people have with that strategy is that it conflicts with the goal of plan A because it�s likely to cause massive Love Bank withdrawals. An unfaithful spouse almost always considers such exposure to be a worse act of betrayal than their affair itself. But the alternative, helping the unfaithful spouse to keep the affair a secret, is enabling the addiction, prolonging the agony. In the long run, making the affair public knowledge without any forewarnings, threats, or bartering (which by themselves can create massive withdrawals) actually reduces the number of Love Bank withdrawals made by the betrayed spouse. It�s my opinion that the advantages of immediate exposure usually far outweigh the disadvantages.

But are there exceptions to my recommendation of the immediate exposure of an affair? Absolutely! Let me give you a few examples of situations where I would not suggest immediately exposing an affair.

A physically violent unfaithful spouse

In every instance of physical violence in marriage, I have recommend separation along with a restraining order to prevent any contact between spouses. No one who has followed my advice under my direct supervision has ever experienced injury in the 35 years of my counseling tens of thousands of couples. And I have counseled some of the most violent spouses.

If a wife tells me that her husband has a history of physical violence toward her, and she�s discovered his affair, I suggest that she make immediate plans for a complete separation. Generally, I refer her to a shelter for abused women. After the separation is complete, and she is safe, I recommend exposure of the affair. Plan A is ruled out, and plan B is followed (no contact between spouses). Contact is restored only after the violent husband in enrolled in an anger management program, has no contact with the lover, and is willing to begin a program of marital reconciliation.

Uncertainty regarding the affair

Many of the cases I�ve witnessed involve suspected affairs with no firm proof. In those situations, I do not recommend exposure. The forum member that raised this issue falls into this category. That�s one of the reasons why both Steve and Jennifer were hesitant to recommend exposure of the suspected affair. Instead of immediate exposure, I suggest gathering evidence that would convince a jury that an affair has taken place. In some cases I suggest hiring an investigator to gather that evidence. Once there is certainty regarding the affair, I then recommend immediate exposure.

Affairs are not usually difficult to prove. That�s because the affair is an addiction, and addicts are notoriously sloppy in covering their tracks. They also become progressively sloppy as the affair develops. They try to hide it, and are reasonably successful early in a relationship. But eventually they leave text messages, email, and telephone records in plain sight for anyone to observe. If a suspecting spouse is patient, it doesn�t take too long or require too much effort, to prove that an affair is taking place. On the other hand, a diligent hunt for evidence may prove that the spouse hasn�t been unfaithful after all.

Those who guard their privacy in marriage, claiming that a spouse has no right to passwords, internet viewing history, email records, cell phone records, credit card accounts, and other sources of evidence, are more likely to have affairs. Privacy between spouses should never be tolerated for a host of reasons. But one of the most important reasons is that privacy, and the secret second life that it helps create, breeds infidelity. Transparency, on the other hand, where almost everything spouses do are known to each other, is one of the most important safeguards.

The forum member who wrote this week�s question went against the advice of his Marriage Builders coach to first gather more evidence. Instead, he contacted the suspected lovers� wife and told her about his suspicions. As he stated, �the evidence wasn�t there,� but he �exposed� his suspicions anyway. If he had been wrong, and the affair had not taken place, it would have unnecessarily added to his Love Bank withdrawals which were apparently already considerable. But the result was that the lover and his wife wrote the forum member�s wife, warning her to avoid all further contact, and that ended the affair.

Economic considerations

A divorce, and even separation, can have dire economic consequences for a betrayed spouse. Many wives of cheating husbands that I�ve counseled are economically dependent on him. If she exposes the affair, she fears that he will leave her, creating financial hardship. So in those cases, before exposing the affair, I generally encourage her to plan for that possibility. Women�s shelters usually offer both legal and financial advice for women who find themselves dependent on irresponsible men. Temporary aid from government, religious, and other charitable agencies can provide a safety net for those women. While exposure usually causes the affair to end, these betrayed women can expose his affair with less fear when they know that separation will not leave them destitute.

When there is an affair in the workplace, my general advice is that the unfaithful spouse must quit the job and find another to avoid ever seeing or talking to the lover again. But while the affair is taking place and the unfaithful spouse is unwilling to resign, should a betrayed spouse expose the affair to the employer? While I unhesitatingly recommend exposing the affair to friends, family, clergy, children, and the lover�s spouse, I�m not so quick to suggest exposing it to an employer. That�s because such an exposure could have unintended legal and economic consequences. For example, the affair might constitute grounds for a sexual harassment claim. Or, it might trigger an outright firing of the spouse, making it far more difficult to find another job. So my advice whether or not to expose to an employer is usually made on a case-by-case basis.

Other issues

Many betrayed spouses are afraid that exposure will drive the unfaithful spouse further away. While it�s true that unfaithful spouses usually feel betrayed and angry when their affair is exposed, I regard that reaction as being part of the fog that most addicts experience. When the fog has finally lifted, and the source of addiction no longer has control, the value of exposure is usually conceded by the addict himself.

Some feel that an affair should not be exposed to children. Granted, I would not tell a 3-year old about an affair, simply because a child that young cannot possibly understand what it means. But I would not hesitate to reveal an affair to a child 7 years or older. Exposure to those between those ages should be a matter of discretion.

What about exposure of an affair that took place years earlier and is now ended but recently revealed? I feel that the children, close relatives, close friends, and the lover�s spouse should be informed. Granted, it�s embarrassing to admit an affair, but publicly admitting failure is usually the first step toward redemption.

As you already know, I�m a strong advocate of honesty and openness in marriage. I call it transparency�letting your spouse know everything about you, especially your faults. But should that level of openness carry into the public arena? I believe that it should in cases of extreme irresponsibility, and that certainly includes infidelity. When you have done something very hurtful to someone else, others -- especially those who care for you the most -- should know about it. Such exposure helps prevent a recurrence of the offense. Your closest friends and relatives will be keeping an eye on you�holding you accountable.

If exposure of an affair threatens the marriage, should the risk be taken?

I regard infidelity as a violation of the most basic condition of marriage. In most wedding vows, �forsaking all others,� is the only real promise that�s made. When you marry, the overriding condition that is mutually accepted is that you won�t have an affair. When that condition is broken, the marriage is threatened at its very core. That�s why I believe that spouses who have recovered after an affair should make new vows to each other, in effect reestablishing their marriage.

So when a betrayed spouse asks for my advice, I usually take the position that infidelity is the greatest betrayal of all. After an affair, trust -- an essential ingredient in marriage -- is dashed. If the unfaithful spouse is offended by being exposed, so be it. Exposure is very likely to end the affair, lifting the fog that has overcome the unfaithful spouse, helping him or her become truly repentant and willing to put energy and effort into a full marital recovery. In my experience with thousands of couples who struggle with the fallout of infidelity, exposure has been the single most important first step toward recovery. It not only helps end the affair, but it also provides support to the betrayed spouse, giving him or her stamina to hold out for ultimate recovery.

marriage builders is a program much different from Divorce Busting forum you mention. The Divorce busting lady does not have a plan for marital recovery. MB does.

Go to your husbands company's website and find the contact info for the Director of HR, a key VP and both their supervisors. Most companies don't fire adulterers, but they may separate them to minimize the legal risks.

Somehow he will have to leave that job anyway if you have any hope of saving your marriage. Hopefully you kill the affair and get him to look for employment elsewhere. I would play that one by ear.

HOWEVER, I want to emphasize that we don't place a little job over the welfare of the marriage. The job cannot protected at the expense of the marriage.

[Depending on the nature of your WH's employment, you should consider your financial situation and the timing before you take the advice given here by some to expose to your WH's employer.

So when you get the solid evidence and expose e affair, I would DEMAND that he end all contact by getting another job. He may also be able to go to HR and confess himself and ask to be demoted (he is not management material) and transferred.

[
MM, Something will obviously have to happen at the workplace. Your WH may or may not be management material but when workplace notification happens, how it happens, if it has to happen, and who makes it happen is usually very significant.

dec, I don't disagree with what you said, however when it comes to whether or not he is management material, it is obvious he is not. A manager who has an affair with a subordinate is obviously not management material. He is a loose cannon. That is not in question. Unless perhaps you work in a strip club or a brothel.

It is also not a question of *IF* the workplace will find out, but a question of *WHEN*. It is very common for workplace affairs to be reported by other employees. When this happens, HR will do a quiet investigation. So by going to HR and reporting himself and presenting a get well plan, he might be saving himself temporarily.

This affair won't STAY a secret at work, of that I assure you, MM.

MM, no one here knows whether your WH is management material or not, and I hope he is for your and your kids' sake.

If, in fact, you eventually conclude that he is having an A with a subordinate, (you certainly have not so indicated, it being a stretch of anyone's imagination to now think so)

MM, most employers must look at an adulterous situation with coworkers as nothing other than sexual harassment.

*********************EDIT**************

I am concerned about the job. My husband has fired people for this very reason before. It is crazy! I'm sure his boss knows and is good-ole-boy-ing the whole thing. Nonetheless, his boss's email address is on my exposure list. I CAN go to corporate if need be. I've been begging him to quit the job long before I caught wind of this affair, and he says NO WAY. (Of course, because then he would have to be away from OW) I will need to research this more though because yeah, I've been a SAHM a long time, I do have a young adult child at home with serious health and some intellectual problems, and I do worry about money. However, my husband could easily find another job if he went willingly. He gets offers all the time. So I guess he is management material in SOME way, lol.

. I want to know the TRUTH either way, ya know? He said NOW would be perfect to start since my husband knows I am out of state and they may feel more relaxed. I also feel confident my husband would never think I'd do this or even have the money to try. I hope the PI can get me proof quickly.

But is there supposed to be some sort of discussion about "dump her/quit your freaking job" before you go to Plan B? Or was what we had before he moved out our "discussion"? (denials. tears. I love you. I'm confused. etc.)

I want our 27 year relationship, our 5 children, and our memories to be important to him and to matter, but in the end if they don't mean that much to him due to his sick addiction, do I really need a man who will treat his own family that way? He is NOT the man he was a year ago.

He is "substantially employed", but we have not accumulated a lot of savings or anything due to various factors, including our son's severe health issues that began about 6 months after my husband started making good money. Then our son wasn't eligible for assistance because our income was over the limit. After he turned 18 I began working on getting him disability since at that point my husband's income no longer mattered to SS, and after a nearly 3 year fight, he just got approved for SSI and Medicaid. He is on over $20,000 worth of drugs a month and about to enter a clinical trial. I have been his caretaker for over 11 years and he's a long term survivor of his illness. So there's all that to think about.

What you need to focus on right now is getting the evidence of the affair AND doing the BEST Plan A you can while preparing for Plan B in the next couple of weeks. Don't give him the cold shoulder. Be as pleasant as possible and do not ask or accuse him of having an affair.

I can't get her Facebook list because I am blocked and so are all my friends and family. My friend has a relative that is her facebook friend and I asked could she try to get it. I have my husband's friend list, but it isn't long. Mostly my/our family. he was not a big facebooker. I set it up for him to interact with ME and the kids, but he only used it to send her PMs! jerk.

All I can think of right now. I go from anger to being so sad, I just want him back! Then I think of him putting his hands on her and it kills me.

Mel, would you adapt this advice at all, given that he has cold-shouldered her for the last few days? Should she leave him alone to stew, and prepare for Plan B?

But at the least I will call him to see if he plans to go to counseling because if not I need to cancel so we don't get billed. I won't be doing anymore texting with him though because the possibility of miscommunication is too great, especially with OW posing as him and stirring up trouble.

My mother in law is already supportive but she is nonconfrontational and will likely just be mad and ignore him.

I won't be doing anymore texting with him though because the possibility of miscommunication is too great, especially with OW posing as him and stirring up trouble.

It hurts. I hate him. I love him. I think.

MM

Regarding various posts... I just emailed the PI I plan to go with concerning more methodology and asking will he be disclosing OW and her mate's contact info, etc. I talked to PI on phone and through email yesterday and felt good about it but I will see what he says.

Yes, I will want help with the confronting before full-fledged Plan B. Unless I decide to just let this be a blessing and be free. I don't know what to do. If he'd do this to us, am I looking a gift horse in the mouth if I get proof of adultery? I just don't know. I don't want to sacrifice all our years and family over 1 year and this horrible decision!!!

MM, most employers must look at an adulterous situation with coworkers as nothing other than sexual harassment. It does not matter who you disclose it to, and it does not matter if both employees 'currently' consider it consensual. Good corporate legal advice is to terminate both employees; the situation is then removed from the corporate environment and no favoritism (further sexism)is shown to either employee. Depending on the nature of your WH's employment, you should consider your financial situation and the timing before you take the advice given here by some to expose to your WH's employer.

dec

Not sure from where you are deriving your assessment. I am an attorney by training and have practiced labor and employment law for over 25 years. I was my company�s �resident expert� on sexual harassment until I was promoted into a senior management role in our Compliance organization (I work for a VERY large, international company) and regularly participate in professional forums that do benchmarking. While, technically, affairs in the workplace do present risks that one of the affair partners or another employee in the workplace being exposed to offensive behavior by the affair partners may file a sexual harassment charge with the EEOC, local agencies or even a lawsuit, most employers DO NOT terminate simply out of fear of potential harassment claims - even when the relationship is between a supervisor and subordinate. If the relationship is between a supervisor and subordinate, most employers change the reporting relationship and nothing more out of concerns about sexual harassment risk exposure strictly because of the affair.
What DOES motivate employers more than potential sexual harassment claims is if the affair partners are using company time and company resources to perpetuate the affair (in other words, �stealing� from the company).
While termination is definitely an option depending on the employer, in my 25 plus years of experience working in this field, employees usually are disciplined or have their reporting lines adjusted UNLESS, in addition to having an affair, they are doing something else that is a violation of company policies.

I want to get the legal proof of adultery and get to a lawyer. Do I do this before I confront, before I expose? What is the order? I TRIED to get the book but couldn't so waiting on my ebay order.

P.S. I do feel I need help in all this, but am I in the right place, lol? It's called "Marriage Builders". I am not thinking about Recovery at this time!!!

But thank you all so much.

This is nuts.

MM

I want to get the legal proof of adultery and get to a lawyer. Do I do this before I confront, before I expose? What is the order? I TRIED to get the book but couldn't so waiting on my ebay order.

HELP!!! We have a joint bank account his paycheck should be automatically deposited into Friday the 17th. Trying to figure out the best way to take out most of the money before he does.
Thank you,
MM

Yeah, I wanted the lawyer to take care of the financial as soon as possible. ..... I need to stay married awhile to at least keep his health insurance I guess because I'm supposed to have surgey soon!

MM,

I truly believe exposure is your best option here - including exposing to his workplace. So that I can put this in better perspective, you mentioned that your husband is the plant manager. Do OW/potential OWs (plural) work for him? In other words, is he their supervisor or their supervisor's supervisor? How large is the company they all work for? Is there a central office other than at the plant? Do you have reason to believe he is using company time/resources to perpetuate the A?

Anecdotally, in my role with my company, I will periodically have cases come my way in which an employee is having an affair with a colleague/subordinate. Off the top of my head I can count at least 4 instances involving VP level employees. In two of those instances, the employees were terminated but they were not terminated because of the affair. One was terminated because he misused his corporate card,had a non-company employee riding in a company vehicle and violated other Health and Safety rules. The other was terminated because she was sending e-mails external to the company berating the head of her department. In the other two instances, the reporting relationship was realigned. And don't be fooled, large companies are NOT motivated by fear of a sexual harassment lawsuit - or any other lawsuit for that matter! From the very first day I started practicing law, anytime someone threatens me with that, I calmly tell them "see you in court." My company sees many Charges of Discrimination (precursors to fiing a lawsuit) each year and only rarely, if ever, do the actually turn into lawsuits much less reach judgment.

Unless the A spills into the workplace - as in using company time/resources to perpetuate the A- most employers will take the position that it's none of their business what consenting adults do. They will tell the A partners to keep it out of the workplace and, if a supervisor/subordinate relationship is involved, will rearrange that reporting relationship so that one A partner is not supervising the other A partner.

I know you have many things going on now, including your child's illness and impending lung transplant and your own impending surgery. From what I read earlier in your post, any medical expenses your son has that your insurace via WH's work doesn't pay for will be paid by Medicaid. With regard to your own need for insurance, even if a divorce were to go through quickly (keep in mind that cases drag on and on and on even when an active judge tries to keep his docket moving), you would still be entitled to COBRA coverage when the employer's insurance terminated. The same would be true if your WH were terminated because of his involvement with OW/OWs in the workplace. You do have to pay for that COBRA coverage but you are legally entitled to it.

I would like for them to break up. I don't plan to watch so IDK if it's worth the trouble workplace exposure would cause me. I do not want to be back with him. I do not see how that could ever occur now. I don't want my kids anywhere near these trashy people. OW2 has four kids by four different fathers and both women are nasty I have been told.

Okay. If I do workplace exposure, just do his boss, HR, etc. or go with that corporate call line? I KNOW they take that line seriously, he complained about issues with it all the time. Which is how I even knoew about it.

I also noticed several of her facebook friends are HR supervisors and employees out there.
MM

Yes, when we were in counseling he kept bringing up how I had been unhappy for years and dwelled on his mistakes before we moved. I said yeah, but you had ample opportunites to correct that sitch at the time and wouldn't, now that we have moved on why are you just now bringing this up now?

I wonder if she left her husband and it "forced" him to have to leave us.

I am not sure about work exposure. I bet everyone knows anyway.

I thought I'd pull out the $500 ATM cash, maybe do some cash-back transactions at walmart, but I want to take out almost all his check because IDK what he'll do on money.

I know I am emotional.

Yes, when we were in counseling he kept bringing up how I had been unhappy for years and dwelled on his mistakes before we moved. I said yeah, but you had ample opportunites to correct that sitch at the time and wouldn't, now that we have moved on why are you just now bringing this up now?

Like she is helping him see I was mean to him. I have heard words come from his mouth that sounded just like a woman. (I should have been holding his hand in his hour of need when his mom was in the hospital but I left him there...Because we had the huge fight where he nearly ran us off the road when I tried to touch his cell phone and he told me to consider himself NOT MY HUSBAND ANYMORE.) So yeah, he tries to spin it. IDK. The betrayal is really deep and long term. Not sure if I care what those people even think.

Okay. If I do workplace exposure, just do his boss, HR, etc. or go with that corporate call line? I KNOW they take that line seriously, he complained about issues with it all the time. Which is how I even knoew about it.

MM

Getting more info and thinking more about workplace exposure. Locating email addresses for the HR manager, his secretary, bosses etc. Especially the few people I have met and might see me as a real person.

Talked to a friend who agreed I should do WP exposure. IDK.

why as a friend? Marriage builders saves thousands of marriages through exposure. Listen to the MB program. You are loosing precious time.

Haven't heard a thing from PI team. All the cars are gone from her house. I bet they went to the lake. He had a new tent and airbed in his trunk. Said he got them at an auction. Said he might take the kids camping. I just thought he meant OUR kids!

Crap!

you need to stop focusing on what he is doing and focus on what you should be doing. Follow the MB program and things will get a lot easier

MM

Does he not care? Is it easier to get caught than to have to confess to me personally?

Once you take the paycheck on friday...it's not likely you'll get access to one again. The only way that could happen is if you can convince him that you're sorry you took the money and you won't do it again and he buys it.

Most likely...he changes the direct deposit. So there's no sense delaying any longer. We've got 6 days to help you plan this.

Mr. W

The lawyer... I found out he expects $1500 to start your case. i was devastated. I don't know another lawyer. I thought WS would have to pay and they'd bill HIM. This is his freaking idea! A friend is calling more lawyers for me.

MM

I think tomorrow while he thinks my friends are at church he will be in the backyard pool.

Thank you for weighing in, Dr Harley! I am hopeful that MadMomma will be back to read your post.