My H and I got married in May 2012. Sometime after we got married he started having an affair. This would be his 4th affair!! The year before we got married was almost perfect. My trust was completely renewed in him, I never thought he would break our wedding vows; I know that sounds crazy since he cheated on me so much before that. So now he keeps going back and fourth, he wants to be married but he does not want to give up the OW. He did call her last night in front of me to tell her goodbye, but I'm sure when he left he called her right back. He tells me he wants to do all the things to make me trust him again but then when it comes time to do them he gets pissed and says he doesn't want to be "punished." To make matters worse, one day I came home to find the OW walking up to my house to talk to him b/c he hadn't talked to her in 3 dyas! I ended up chasing her down the block I was so mad. Now she is getting a protection order against me, even though she came to my house! I feel like I should just give up. I've been married 2 1/2 months
. I don't want to be divorced but what other options do I have?? I'm so sad.
Hello 6877. I am sorry that you are going through this in your marriage. I know the pain you must be in.
You have found the right place for help 6877. The pros here will give you the best of advice. Please listen to it!!! Some of it will be difficult to read/accept/do, but it is necessary. -This site is to help you recover your marriage. If that isn't a possibility, then they will help you heal YOU!!!!
First, I have to say that your H is expecting to have his cake and eat it too. That is NOT marriage. Where do you draw the line? You have to draw your line, and then hold him to it. If this isn't the kind of lifestyle you want, and he won't stop, then the best thing for YOU is to not remain in the marriage. You deserve better than what he is providing you. Stop thinking about his feelings here. Turning outside of your marriage is not going to help him negotiate and build a good and solid marriage with you!! It is hard work. It seems that he is out for the "feel good" fun part of relationships. I would be VERY careful here. YOU CANNOT TRUST HIM!!!! He will lie, hide, do whatever it takes to do whatever it is he wants to do. You have to take a stand NOW. Don't believe a word that comes out of his mouth!!! He is doing exactly what he wants to do. Proof is in his actions, not his words!!! You have to protect yourself from the abuse he is giving you. Affairs, exposing you to her, not wanting to give her up, that is ABUSE!!! If he is the kinda guy that expects you to accept that - RUN!!!!!!! Completely unacceptable!!!!
I will let the pros guide you with all of their wonderful knowledge and advice.
Right now, he should choose you, be willing to learn the steps here to build a strong, affair-proof marriage, or he should move out and give you time to gather yourself and make a decision.
Stay strong. You deserve the best of love and happiness for yourself. Don't settle for anything less.
6877,
Take some time and familiarize yourself with the basic concepts (various links on the site). MB philosophy may be unlike any others you have experienced, although many of the concepts might sound familiar as well. Dr. Harley has managed to present an approach to marriage which is extremely successful in creating (and recreating) a romantic relationship in which both members are very much in love with each other.
Your situation involves adultery. Therefore it would best be addressed by folks who are going through the same thing, have been through it, and/or are experts in applying Dr. Harley's specific techniques for dealing with infidelity.
Hit the "notify" button on your original post and ask the moderators to move your thread over there if you'd like.
Meanwhile, don't dispair. All is not lost. Many of us have experienced this horror and have come out the other side better people, one way or another. With the information at this site, and guidance from good folks like LittleBit and many many others, you will learn about how to manage your situation.
You've come to the right place.
~optimism
This is a marriage that should have never happened. 2.5 MONTHS and his first affair (and obviously 3 times cheating on you as a dating couple, 3 times *that you know of*).
This man married you probably because he knew that he could continue the lifestyle afterwards. The home/wife/(future) family and his fun on the side.
I don't think you need to "give up", I think you need to admit to yourself that you made a mistake in marrying this man. Nobody should have to face this after 2.5 MONTHS, good grief!
And feel free to hang your copy of the protection order on the wall in a pretty little frame. The nerve!
This is a marriage that should have never happened. 2.5 MONTHS and his first affair (and obviously 3 times cheating on you as a dating couple, 3 times *that you know of*).
I'd say that the asterisk means the following:
You just now found about this, but $100 says that he's been cheating on you for your entire marriage.
I'd speak to an attorney about a divorce/annulment.
6877,
Did you and your husband live together before marrying? If so, how long? How old are you and your husband?
AM
I've been married 2 1/2 months . I don't want to be divorced but what other options do I have?? I'm so sad.
I would get out quick before you have kids with this guy. He is so obviously NOT marriage material. You can get this dissolved with an annulment.
I don't want to be divorced but what other options do I have??
With the level of maturity and commitment shown by your WH, none.
I'm so sad.
Kick scumbucket into your history, and your sadness will slowly dissipate.
Thanks, I know all this is true, and I should leave. I'm not sure why it's so hard for me....
I'm sure he was cheating on me the whole time, I don't doubt that for a second.
We have been together for 6 years. He is 31 and I am 34. He is the only area of my life that I can't make a good decision in. I obviously am just as sick as him, just in a differant way b/c who stays with someone that cheats that many times. No one normal!
I obviously am just as sick as him, just in a differant way b/c who stays with someone that cheats that many times.
Do you NOT see the vital, critical, difference, my friend?
You now understand, and accept, that there is a problem in your approach to mate selection and accommodation.
It is very unlikely, given his history, that he ever will.
Thanks, I know all this is true, and I should leave. I'm not sure why it's so hard for me....
I'm sure he was cheating on me the whole time, I don't doubt that for a second.
We have been together for 6 years. He is 31 and I am 34. He is the only area of my life that I can't make a good decision in. I obviously am just as sick as him, just in a differant way b/c who stays with someone that cheats that many times. No one normal!
It's hard for you because you are a good woman who wants a happily married life. And you deserve that.
Divorce this bottom-feeder and free yourself up for a man who actually deserves you.
Hey there 6877. I really hope you think long and hard about investing any more time, effort, ANYTHING into your marriage with this man. Cut ties. He is not marriage material and has done nothing to deserve you. You haven't invested that much of your life in this. In this short time, you have had to endure 4 affairs!!!! That had to take most of the time anyway? Clearly, he hasn't invested much into the relationship and marriage with you as he is out giving himself to everyone else!!!!
Don't even think about it being hard for you!! No co-dependent, I'll stand by my man thinkin here!! Care more for yourself than to allow this kind of disrespect for you as a woman, a wife, and break free of this hell you are in. Don't hold on b/c the ship is sinking now. Save yourself. You don't want to be living like this a year, two years, 5 years, 10 years from now do you?
Also, spend a lot of time on this website studying and reading about what makes for a good relationship. Build your relationship skills here for a couple of years, then you will be better able to pick a suitable mate.
You now know that you have some issues that you need to work on. I love the quote, "When you know better, you do better." I think this applies to you!!!!
hello 6877 and welcome to MB. i'm sorry, but from what you've posted here, you have unfortunately married a serial cheat who sees cheating as a lifestyle choice, ie isn't cut out for M. the best decision you can make for yourself is to leave the M now, before you are back next year with a child, or later with even more children, where you will feel trapped and unable to leave and miserable.
it is good you have seen the light so early. while MB is about building Ms, it doesn't appear you two have any foundation with which to restart. he failed the husband test miserably (at least 3x cheating), and yet you married him! however, you have invested very little time in the M at this point. if you are worried about your friends or family thinking it's odd to leave a M so quickly, please don't be. be honest with them and you will be supported. my very best and heartfelt advice to you is to get out now. i'm sorry.
Also, spend a lot of time on this website studying and reading about what makes for a good relationship. Build your relationship skills here for a couple of years, then you will be better able to pick a suitable mate.
I agree with all of the above posters, 77, and I thought you might hear that sentiment here from very experienced folks.
I also agree with LittleBit above, and second it again. You've come to the right place to give you the tools to understand what happened, analyse it in a different light, and make choices based on facts and proven theories; not the WORDS of your wayward husband.
I will also depart with my colleagues above for one notion. I would say that all marriages can be saved. Per Dr. Harley, with the right effort, patience, focus on the right things, any two people can fall in love and maintain that in-love feeling for each other. So, that gives you another reason to familiarize yourself with the concepts here - you may consider trying to sell WH on the idea of developing a romantic, exclusive relationship with you. At the very least, this would give you the experience of talking about MB with a potential life partner; which I would recommend in any relationship either now or in the future.
good luck sevenseven.
opt
File for divorce and be thankful that you are filing now instead of 10 years from now.
AND read the book Buyers Renters and Freeloaders.
Hello; 6877
Do you have any children?
Do you have quality cross training shoes? I mean, HOW fast can you run from this person?
I appreciate all the responses. My WH is agreeing to learn and follow MB. So on that note, I will be agreeing to try to build something positive here. Although, yes he has had several affairs, this last one was differant. I really had stepped out of the marriage and was not meeting very many of his EN. He repeatedly asked me to meet some of them but for some reason I really just refused, actually I was letting my two best friends meet all of mine and I was giving them all of their's, there was nothing left for me to give my WH. I really do believe anyone can change if they want to. I know I can't change him or make him do what's right. This will be the last time, I've instructed my friends to have an intervention on me if this happens again and I want to go back :-). In fact, being without him in this house for 3 weeks has made me realize I can do this on my own, and it's my choice to work this out. I will be following and learning all about this MB website. Even if my H and I don't work it out. It really was a blessing I found it; such great information. I'm sure I'll be posting along the way about our journey, don't give up on me....
He shows you absolutely no respect. Never has, never will. File for divorce. Get out of this before days become months become years. You deserve a man who really loves you and treats you like a wife and life partner.
Although, yes he has had several affairs, this last one was differant. I really had stepped out of the marriage and was not meeting very many of his EN. He repeatedly asked me to meet some of them but for some reason I really just refused,
YOU'VE BEEN MARRIED 2.5 MONTHS!!!!!!!!!!
My dear, you are just right back into the same ol' merry-go-round that you were on when dating.
If a guy can cheat on you 3 times before marriage and again after 2.5 MONTHS of marriage, and you blame yourself for it, then he knows he can do whatever he wants and you'll put up with it. Please be honest with yourself at least.
I appreciate all the responses. My WH is agreeing to learn and follow MB. So on that note, I will be agreeing to try to build something positive here. Although, yes he has had several affairs, this last one was differant. I really had stepped out of the marriage and was not meeting very many of his EN. He repeatedly asked me to meet some of them but for some reason I really just refused, actually I was letting my two best friends meet all of mine and I was giving them all of their's, there was nothing left for me to give my WH. I really do believe anyone can change if they want to. I know I can't change him or make him do what's right. This will be the last time, I've instructed my friends to have an intervention on me if this happens again and I want to go back :-). In fact, being without him in this house for 3 weeks has made me realize I can do this on my own, and it's my choice to work this out. I will be following and learning all about this MB website. Even if my H and I don't work it out. It really was a blessing I found it; such great information. I'm sure I'll be posting along the way about our journey, don't give up on me....
Double Seven,
You have some serious reading to do. There will be a lot of work involved with saving your marriage at this point. It is possible, but it will not be easy. However, nothing worth doing is easy; and I believe you will come out of this a much better person for your efforts.
Read Surviving an Affair, and all the basic concepts here. Read as mch as you can about everything people are referring you to. And take some time to absorb the concepts. The good news about most of this stuff is that it's actually pretty simple and based on long standing tradition of truth and mutual respect for human interactions. The bad news is that most of that is so foriegn to us because we have become so messed up as a society that wse don't know which end is up anymore. It's taken me 2+ years to really feel confident with the knowledge from this website, the books, and speaking with Dr. Harley directly on the phone. The more I learn the more I see how simple it is, but that I was progammed poorly by life in general.
For instance: somehow we betrayed spouses tend to think it's our fault when our spouses cheat on us. We weren't there. We weren't consulted. We didn't hear any complaints prior. We didn't make any suggestions. But we still feel responsible.
There's nothting logical about it.
Dr. Harley's concepts are based on truths and logic. He says "there are reasons why people have affairs, but never excuses."
So, you will need to be educated in this material for 2 reasons. One is that you will have to go through thte process of it with your WH (I am tempted to use new acronym VWH, but I have not seen it before and am not in the business of coining terms around here). You will have to know it inside and out, so that you can sell it to your WH. You will be leading him through, no matter how enthusiastic he says he is at this time. Wayward LIE, so you will need him to PROVE with his ACTIONS that he is sincere. And let me tell you something: the path to recovery for your marriage will be very narrow. Adultery has managed to destroy society (past and present) and that is because there is no obious solution to it. It's been around for thousands of years and nobody has been able to pinpoint a way to eliminate it from any society. Until now. Dr. Harley's methods are proven and air tight for those strong enough and willing enough to do the work.
The second reason you need to have a command of this knowledge is that you have a tendency to be attracted to men who lie to you. Your husband lies to you. Time and time again. MB will give you another perspective. The concepts here will help you raise the bar for yourself and help you recognize, instinctively, when you are dealing with dishonesty.
You are 36 and feeling the pressure. I get that. Perhaps you want to be married and having kids by 40 or something. But Being married to an adulterer is equal to not being married at all. In my experience, dealing with adultery correctly, and early on, is essential to your plan. I didn't deal with adultery correctly and now, at 43 I'm startng over. From Scratch, and behind the 8 ball.
I hope you'll consider writing to the Harley's and perhaps talking to them on the radio show. I would be quite interested in what Dr. H would say about your situation.
If your wayward husband is sincere about recovering your marriage with you and becoming a faithful husband and perhaps a decent Father to your kids one day, he probably would love to come here and get some guidance. We can help him. I would be first in line as a former adulterer. I'm sure after he reads surviving an Affair and the entire contents of the website, and many threads about adultery, he will have some questions that we would be glad to answer.
The path is narrow and strict, 77. And it's based on one simple concept:
The Truth.
opt
Oh, and a starting point will be Extraordinary Precautions. Read up on that. Demand it from your WH. If he doens't go for every piece of it, then he is not good enough for you.
Opt
And again, we see the heroine in the book return to the path of destruction. We want to scream at her: 'STOP', because we know that this book will end badly.
In ten years, after numerous affairs, you will secretly visit this site again. Maybe you will look at the posts and think: if only I had listened to them, I might have been married to a man who loves me now.
May God bless you.
Happyheart
P.S.
You will have a very difficult life, married to him. Because you will be in the marriage, but he is not.
If you have children together then I can understand wanting to work it out, but if not you *WILL* be kicking yourself later for not walking now.
Make no mistake about it, recovery is a VERY narrow path and it must be followed exactly. If he doesn't do exactly what is needed then you are signing yourself up for disaster.
There are plenty of other men out there that would be thrilled to be with someone that has your view of marriage.
Like most men on this forum I would kill to have my wife stop toying with me and our family. Knowing what I know now, if we were only married for 2.5 months and didn't have children and she pulled this crap I would have the garage sale tomorrow, and would be moving out of state by end of week.
ak
Hey there 6877. I hope you are at least checking in with your thread. Your last update sounded like you had your mind made up on a certain plan. I know you want to work it out. I also know that you cannot be obective right now.
You want to believe him. But, his actions have shown whether he is truly capable of being in a committed relationship or not. He cheated on you three times before marriage, and again within 2 1/2 months of marriage. Open your eyes!! That is not even remotely normal, acceptble or respectful. He WILL TELL YOU anything to keep you right where he wants you!!!. All waywards do. None of them want their situations to change. They want you to meet their needs at home and have a fun, no baggage thing on the side. If he had the moral character, committment level, respect for you as a woman and as his wife, and in the vows that he took with you, he wouldn't have cheated on you in the first place!! Don't gloss over that fact in your denial. That is exactly what I did, and it killed me more than anything. They give you false hope to keep you where they want you. They are SOOOOOOOO good at that.
You also don't want to spend the rest of your life, checking up on him, keeping him in line. That is NO way to live. Without honesty, there is no trust. Without trust, there can be no marriage.
I know these last 10 posts or so have to be difficult for you to read, but we have all been there. I even see through his immediate turn around. There is something to be said for his not doing these things in the first place. Please don't put on blinders to that.
Okay, I'm going to file for divorce...everyone cheer!!!!! Now, although everyone knows he's a piece of [censored], tell me what I do now? Just b/c everyone hates him and they think I should be happy to get rid of him, that's not the case. I love him very much. I need help through this. This isn't what I want this is what I HAVE to do, or he will kill my soul. What now, when the drama wear's off? When the sadness kicks in, and when I miss him? What then?
Okay, I'm going to file for divorce...everyone cheer!!!!! Now, although everyone knows he's a piece of [censored], tell me what I do now? Just b/c everyone hates him and they think I should be happy to get rid of him, that's not the case. I love him very much. I need help through this. This isn't what I want this is what I HAVE to do, or he will kill my soul. What now, when the drama wear's off? When the sadness kicks in, and when I miss him? What then?
We will help you. Get yourself in Plan B to heal from the drama and know that you deserve better.
You are worth it.
Not saying it's going to be easy, but don't you deserve better? We know you still love him and that will take time.
Put together a plan and follow it and then when you look up you will see how far you've come.
Can you start this?
How To Plan B Properly
Hi 6877. He isn't deserving of your love. I don't understand how they can take our love, take everything we have to give, and do the things they do. I just can't imagine being like that. We don't hate him. I am not happy that you are going to get rid of him. He is not a faithful, trustworthy, partner in your marriage. His mindset is not marriage. We will be here to support you. Just remember that THIS type of life that he was giving you is NOT what you want for yourself. I stayed, it has sucked the life right out of me. It does kill who you are. Eventually, he would tire of your efforts to try to get him to stop behaviors he doesn't want to stop and start resenting you, start treating you badly. It is new now. You thought you could be strong and continue to try to fix your marriage, but what you don't know is that IT WOULD GET WORSE as time went on. When you start feeling sadness at the loss of your marriage and start missing him, please remind yourself that you deserve a real marriage. He wasn't providing one. He is familiar, you love him, etc...., but he isn't marriage material. He isn't good for you!!!! The mindset of a good lifelong partner is more along the lines of coming together as ONE, putting eachother first, not the mindset he has. You have to be strong for yourself. You WILL make it through this. You just keep reminding yourself that you are worth more than this.
Littlebit3- yes these posts were hard. Actually they mad me mad b/c they dont know his good side. I want to be in denial...... but tonight after spending a lovely evening riding our bikes together, i get a call from my sister in law that she thinks the OW is at her house. So I go over and sure enough I found them in bed together. They got up amd left but he threw in there maybe I couldve kept him if I hadn'tbeen such a b___ch! That she cares about him more than me!
Littlebit3- yes these posts were hard. Actually they mad me mad b/c they dont know his good side. I want to be in denial...... but tonight after spending a lovely evening riding our bikes together, i get a call from my sister in law that she thinks the OW is at her house. So I go over and sure enough I found them in bed together. They got up amd left but he threw in there maybe I couldve kept him if I hadn'tbeen such a b___ch! That she cares about him more than me!
So who are these OW?
Are they married?
Who are you exposure targets?
I know it hurts but he's a foggy wayard and they will turn the tables. So don't listen to his fogginess.
Littlebit3- yes these posts were hard. Actually they mad me mad b/c they dont know his good side. I want to be in denial...... but tonight after spending a lovely evening riding our bikes together, i get a call from my sister in law that she thinks the OW is at her house. So I go over and sure enough I found them in bed together. They got up amd left but he threw in there maybe I couldve kept him if I hadn'tbeen such a b___ch! That she cares about him more than me!
Please take it from someone who has spent 18 years in denial!!!!!!!!!!!!! It will NEVER help YOU!!!!! You would not be loving and respecting YOURSELF if you allowed yourself to stay in denial to hide from the truth. The truth is exactly what you need to face. Even if you didn't catch him tonight, you would have needed to face it. I am glad you had the gift of finding him, b/c without that, it would have been harder to get you to face and accept the truth.
You walked in on them? They got up and left? Let his words roll right off of you. Really? I hope your response was along the lines of, "Why would I want to keep you? Look at the kind of person and husband you are? And, I wonder how much she will care about you when she realizes that you can't be honest and faithful to her either."
She was my friend that I worked at a bar with for 2 years, her man(friend) who helped her have this affair with my husband was a childhood friend of mine. The OW and him happened to be close friends. I introduced them to Don they were my friends first. So, I told the OW dad on facebook twice about it b/c it wasnt going away. I informed the "guy friends" new fiance about what he had been helping conspire. I told close friends of all of us and I told his family. Now that I'm really going to divorce him I'm going to tell everyone, absolutely everyone.
Yep, my sister in law let me go right and in. They were naked in the covers and I just ripped them off of them and stood there and looked at them nacked. He made me leave so they could get dressed. And then they went ou the door while he stood in front of me so i couldn't get to her and she smiled on the way out. SMILED. She was my friend....how could she smile?
Good for you 6877. He deserves exposure!!! Don't help him one bit by not shining the light on his true character. She obviously wasn't a very good friend. You just never know someone's true intentions and character sometimes. I am sorry that you have counted some not very nice people as friends. Dropem like a hot potatta!!!!! ICK!!!!
Your H has some BIG issues. They are his. Let him have them. You have invested too much time into this dead end. Raise your standards for how you want to be treated in your life - FOR EVERYONE!! People worth having in your life will respect your standards and rise to them. If not, you don't want them in your life. That especially goes for any man.
Yep, my sister in law let me go right and in. They were naked in the covers and I just ripped them off of them and stood there and looked at them nacked. He made me leave so they could get dressed. And then they went ou the door while he stood in front of me so i couldn't get to her and she smiled on the way out. SMILED. She was my friend....how could she smile?
Because she's a skanky OW and they don't care.
I know your emotions are raw right now so try and stay calm and get your plan together.
Does she have family besides her dad you can expose to? Any married friends let them know.
Sit down and do your exposure all at once. Do not do a trickle exposure.
Also document this why it's fresh. You may need it later.
She smiled b/c she is a low-life individual who has no self respect, who has to resort stealing another woman's loser of a husband b/c she can't get any better. Seriously, you have to be pretty low to allow yourself to sleep with a married man. The smile just proves how pathetic she really is.
Id love to post it on facebook!
I would caution you to expose, but always take the high road. Don't do anything out of pride or to lash back that could come back to make YOU look bad. Exposure is good b/c it shines light on the truth. Do it respectfully. That way, he can't say that you did anything wrong.
Should you still do plan B even if you know that's what your heading for, divorce?
Agreed littlebit3..... just my anger coming out. That would be embarrassing for me to.
I have read that you need to plan B for yourself anyway!!!! Plan B is for YOUR emotional recovery. Not his, not to punish him, etc... It is for you to clear your mind, start finding your way back to YOU!!! You need to get your mind off of him and what he is doing. You DON'T need to hear his fogbabble right now!!!!! NOPE, steer clear!!!! He has shown you be his actions and words that he doesn't need you. He is willing to have any skank meet his needs, he isn't picky!!!!!
I hope you realize that he knew you were a good one. That may have been why he married you. You might have been the one good thing that helped him feel good about himself. Too bad he didn't define himself by having a personal committment to a healthy moral character and integrity!!!
Id love to post it on facebook!
Follow the exposure thread. There is a template for facebook exposure.
Have you saved all her facebook contact information before she blocks you?
Exposure 101 Yes I would Plan B even if you are going to D. Remember to be in your best Plan A before you go into Plan B. You don't want him to remember Plan FU before you go into Plan b.
Should you still do plan B even if you know that's what your heading for, divorce?
Sorry this all came down like this, 77.
As I have said, I hope you'll use the resources here to continue to learn a new way to look at relationships. Part of healing will be to not take blame for your husband's affair, but to acknowledge what you will do differently in your next LTR; and try to map out a path to get there once you are whole again.
I dont' know what Dr. Harley would say about this specifically, but I think exposure is an important part of the healing process in these situations because it helps one to maintain the reality and truth of what happened. You have a right to stand on the facts - no matter what kind of a gf and wife you were, there is no justification for someone cheating on you; in fact it is known scientifically to be one of the most hurtful and cruel things one can do to someone they are supposedly committed to.
I think Plan B is essential to you starting....right now. There is no humanly reason at this time that I can think of that you would need to interact with this person, AT ALL. Every time you look at him the movie will play, this will stunt your recovery. Same with hearing his voice. I would get a intemediary and let them communicate for you. Get your stuff and make it as quick and painless as possible. You have probably built up few marital assetts, so there should be few complications.
(((sevenseven))). There are good folks all around here who will help you and guide you with MB principles, if you chose to avail yourself to them and the knowledge you will find all through these pages. It's going to take time, but you're going to be just fine.
opt
Should you still do plan B even if you know that's what your heading for, divorce?
Yes. Because you need to learn healthy boundaries, for one. This is not a marriage that should have happened, you should never marry a man who treats you in the manner which he did while you were engaged/dating. You need to learn how to pick a better mate and when to walk away.
Good luck to you, it is the right decision to make. You deserve much more.
You have all my sympathies, 77. I think walking in like that HAS to be one of the hardest ways to find about an A.
The OW smiling at you shows you what a piece of dung she really is. But this is not about her, she could have been one of many pieces of trash (think about used kleenex) that your WH picked up along his way.
His reaction was horrible, too. but, alas, not uncommon for a serial cheater. But again, this is not about him, either. This is about you.
And how you will chose to live your life from today on.
How are you doing today? I
I am sorry you find yourself in these circumstances, I know it hurts. It will get better with each passing month. My XH was a serial cheater too...after I caught him the first time, we went into a FR and then the second time...I filed. Our M was only two years, he started cheating after a year (that I know of). That's too soon for cheating, but 2 1/2 months? Get an annulment! Oh and he didn't cheat because you didn't meet some of his needs, he cheated because he had poor boundaries. It's was up to HIM to convey to you what he needed, NOT up to him to cheat!
We aren't saying he doesn't have a good side, there's always something about them that they attracted us with, even my scum-bag XH had a couple of good qualities, but they don't count compared to their cheating ways! This isn't a M you can live with, find acceptable.
Learn all of the MB principles and work on yourself so you can eventually have what you wanted all along.
Sometimes the more we invest, the harder it is for us to wake up and smell the coffee, we don't want to throw in the towel, don't want to be deemed a failure, but there comes a time to realize that we have to respect ourselves by raising the bar...higher, higher, higher! You're still young, when you've had time to learn MB and heal, you'll be more ready for what you wanted all along.
I want to share with you something a friend of mine told me when I was going through it...and I think she hit the nail on the head right on...
XH John cheated on me not because there was anything wrong with me, but he was seeking his own level...and found it. His skanky ho (God rest her soul) died of liver failure after he left me for her. And him? Right now he's battling throat cancer, can't even talk. Me, I'm okay! You will be too. Point being, sometimes other people have some serious problems and it's up to THEM to work them out, it's not your place to fix them or try to adjust yourself to them. Your WH shows serious character deficiencies...it wouldn't matter to me how great a times we had together...not worth it. And the OW? She's clearly his level.
You WILL be okay, I promise you that! It hurts, but there's no way through the pain of grief/loss but straight through it, and when you've done the work/recovery, you'll be okay.
Oh, and if anyone ever cheats on you again, take that as a SERIOUS red flag and get gone! DON'T marry them!
Plan B, spend time on YOU, your personal recovery, learn, learn, learn, and be particular what kind of friends you pick.
Wow, kaycstamper, that was a really beautiful post!!!
How are you doing today 6877? I know it has had to be an emotional 24 hours for you. Sending you positive energy and strength right now!!! I hope you are holding your head high, remembering that YOU deserve so much more love and respect that what he could ever give you. The best thing you can do for yourself is walk away. Please don't forget to love yourself in all of this!!!!!
kaycstamper: Great post, thank you.
Littlebit3: This was a very hard 24 hours...up, down, up, down. I had to go to my hearing today and the OW never showed so it was dismissed. I have not talked to my WH for 2 days, I blocked his phone number from my phone so I could get a break. I did receive a message from my WH today on facebook saying he has made an appointment at some sort of addiction place so he can be evaluated for sexual addiction. I did not respond to any of his messages, nor do I have hope this will save the marriage. He needs to go so I hope he does but I will not be helping him, not this time.
I'm definitely tired of the up and down hours of everyday.
Thank you for everyone posting, I need to see these messages about 50 times a day just to stay sane!
Thank you for everyone posting, I need to see these messages about 50 times a day just to stay sane!
So did you expose?
I did receive a message from my WH today on facebook saying he has made an appointment at some sort of addiction place so he can be evaluated for sexual addiction. I did not respond to any of his messages, nor do I have hope this will save the marriage. He needs to go so I hope he does but I will not be helping him, not this time.
Yep, I think we'd agree with your approach and decision on that! Good job.
Thank you for everyone posting, I need to see these messages about 50 times a day just to stay sane!
Having a plan will help you with that. I think many of us BS's say we are done and want a divorce and then we decide to work on recovering our marriage. Regardless of the outcome, you should still expose the affair and prepare for Plan B. The exposure to give you the moral support from family and friends and Plan B to remove yourself from your WH's drama and bullcrap and focus on your personal recovery and healing.
~RQ
This is who I've exposed to: His family, all my close friends, his lifelong close friends, my daughter, the OW father, the OW's best friends' fiance. I have not told my family yet, I don't know why, well I do, dissapointment in me, even though I know that's not true but my mom will be so hurt. I need to reread plan B and do it all. It's like I'm doing half and half. I did tell his sister in law I could not talk to her right now, even though we are so close b/c I have to get myself out of this drama.
Your family will be your biggest supporters. Do not be ashamed, you did nothing wrong. You don't have to give all of the dirty details but your family should be made aware of what you are going through. Sounds like you are doing good so far. Have you read up on Plan B?
I need to read up on it more so. Honestly there's so much information on this website it's a bit overwhelming.
I felt overwhelmed at first, but saturate yourself in it, over and over, it starts sinking in little by little.
Did you read Exposure 101? Trickle effect doesn't work, it should be done all at once, your family included. You need the support!
See, that's what I'm having trouble with....how do I find these articles?? It has a search our site button, but everytime I try to search for something, it comes up with 0. Unless someone posts links, I don't know where they are finding them.
Here is the link to
exposure You can find a lot of this info in the Notable Posts forum
Hope that helps
~RQ
You can find a lot of this info in the Notable Posts forum
(I just thought I'd try being Brainy for a day.)
You can find a lot of this info in the Notable Posts forum
(I just thought I'd try being Brainy for a day.)
LOL, I was wondering if I was stepping on her toes. She is probably sleeping right now so we should be safe
Thank you; yes it helps
.
She is probably sleeping right now so we should be safe
I'm not convinced she ever sleeps...
6877
When you pop the button for the search there is the advanced button below. Hit that one. Type in your search word. Change the dates below or else it defaults to only 1 week old posts. I think 5 years is as far back as you can go.
You can also refine the search with the other buttons.
Hope this helps
nESRE
setenta y siete,
From the home page, you've read the basic concepts. Two tabs over at the top is a tab called "articles." Those are more specific explanations and examples of the basic concepts. There is also an "overview" which I've heard Joyce talk about on the radio show although I never took the time (5-10 minutes).
Speaking of the show. If you get tired of reading....click the "listen now" button. That will give you the benefit of gaining the tone in which Dr. Harley speaks. It makes the reading more enjoyable and perhaps mroe understandable because you have that added perspective of the way he delivers his message when he's just having a normal conversation.
you're on your way!
opt
She is probably sleeping right now so we should be safe
I'm not convinced she ever sleeps...
You two are very funny.
Who needs sleep?
Another excellent radio clip on the importance of exposure and why. Dr. Harley also explains all the steps that need to be taken to recover from an affair.
Radio clip on steps to take to revover from an Affair
I'm in the process of doing plan A, but I'm really confused. I'm so mad! I want to just say awful things about the OW! I'm also not quite sure how to meet his EN anymore? It all seems so uncomfortable to me. Do I just compliment him and text and call him throughout the day? What if I know he is doing something fishy, do I just smile and breathe through it and not let on? As far as I know he is not in contact with her. So it appears he is going through withdrawal. He's barely talking to me and we haven't had sex in days. When do I get a chance to talk about how I feel?
Yes, this is all the people I've exposed to: This is who I've exposed to: His family, all my close friends, his lifelong close friends, my daughter, the OW father, the OW's best friends' fiance. I have not told my family yet.
As far as I know he is not in contact with her. So it appears he is going through withdrawal. He's barely talking to me and we haven't had sex in days. When do I get a chance to talk about how I feel?
The part in red is key. Assume he is in contact.
Plan A is not plan doormat. If he's doing something fishy, texting while in the house or whatever, then you call him out on it. "If you insist on carrying on with the adultery, you will not do it from this house. Please leave."
Do you want to stay married to him? I'm not sure if you ever answered that question.
I have not told my family yet.
Tell your family. You need the support.
An old post that may help
All of plan A is a huge huge huge exercise in love and giving...
it is NOT about doing for oneself...
it is ALL about doing for the WS....
and it is called plan A because there is a plan B side to it....
it is very difficult and humbling to give to someone causing so much pain....
which is why there needs to be an outlet...and there needs to be one or two others close that can take the brunt of the anger and frustration...
it is on one level a competition with the OP....
has vile and crass and horrible it sounds it is...
and plan A is about not letting an inch of wiggle room in your own behaviors and actions being turned in to a weapon to be used against you and the marriage....
a huge MO of affairs is the OP will act and behave on their best best behavior.....(falsely) (just more deceipt)
so that any emotional fall out by the BS will only feed the sick junkie mind (WS) that the BS is unstable and controlling and blah blah blah.....
as they get their perfect little OP fix....
let agree on facts of an affair...
it takes layering and layering upon layering of rationalization to justify affair behavior...
that WS are deep down good people....
(they dayum well better be cause if they are just crappy crappy people..then why are you wasting any time and energy trying to be married to someone who is crappy)
so WS are basically good people....choosing very very painful actions....
painful for ALL involved
themselves
the BS
the children and family
and even the OP
the burdon of rationalization justifying and living in direct constant dichotomy of what they know is right is an overwhelming painful burdon....
Plan A is about reaching out to the WS in pain..
EVEN as their junkie actions reaks havoc and pain....
as hard as it is, think of the stress a WS lives in trying to be good while the whole time choosing bad again and again...
WS tell lie after lie after lie..till it becomes them and they barely know how to tell the truth anymore....
BS through this need to remind them and show them the honor and glory in being a truthful person..
people who recieve the information upon exposure owe the WS that they care about them too not just place consequences but to help the WS become the person they are meant to be....
otherwise WS will cave and fold...
and figure they are in to deep
and it's so far gone there's no getting it back....
there must be joy in a home in which plan A is going on
there must be engaging
there must be attempt after attempt to reach out to them and show them that the saving of the WS own soul is of even greater priority than saving the marriage.....
bigger picture of what you want for a WS..is a whole person restored to valueing truth...honesty....integrety...
and while I feel bad for BS over and over again....
it is the WS that are truly lost....
truly hanging in the balance of right and wrong....
plan A is an act of sacrifice.....
*sigh*
6877, I think we'll all support you no matter what you decide, but if you were my sister I'd tell you to divorce this guy.
There are much better choices out there. Sometimes having a fixer-upper just isn't worth the trouble.
Northwood - Yes I want to stay married to him if at the end of the road there is happiness. I won't let him stay if he carries on with her and he knows that. So far, nothing fishy with his phone and he had his number changed; he's been leaving it out and about. It's only been a week though. I'm just having a hard time with his quietness and him not wanting to have sex with me.
I know most people think I should divorce. I just want to do everything possible on my side so that when I do decide to divorce, I'm 100% with that decision. I don't want to stand there and sign papers that I don't want.
I know most people think I should divorce. I just want to do everything possible on my side so that when I do decide to divorce, I'm 100% with that decision. I don't want to stand there and sign papers that I don't want.
Ok. That makes sense. Plan A it is, then.
How about a quick refresher--do you have spyware on his phone and a keylogger on the computer? Go through his vehicle and see if you can find another phone.
Put spyware on the phone, then you will know if there is contact or not. He may be leaving the phone available to give you a false sense of security.
How old is your daughter?
How did your first marriage/relationship end?
I tried last night to figure out the a keylogger and I looked up spyware to put on his phone. I was confused about it all, how hard is it to install and will he be able to find it. I have been through his car but I'm getting an intuition that I should do it again, and someone on here said to look in his spare tire compartment, I never thought of that before. And yes I already thought the phone be left out could be false security for me.
My daughter is 14 and her father and I never married and were broke up before she turned 1. I never really dated again until my husband.
All I know, is that I need help through this, no matter which way my marriage goes. This website has given me more insight to my situation than I ever would've learned from anyone else.
For a keylogger, I'd go with eblaster. It's about $100 and works very well. They have step-by-step instructions for installation and, once it is set up, it emails the reports to you so that you won't have to access the monitored computer again.
Cell spyware works on those phones that can access the internet. From the phone, you download and install the program. The one I used (mobistealth) gave reports through its website--I'd go to their website, log in and view the information from the phone.
Neither are obvious to the user--there are no icons flashing in the background, no programs listed in the list of running applications, so they should be invisible. If he were to find them, you'd just shrug and say "huh, that's weird" and go about your day.
Thank you Northwood, I know this is the route I need to go.
You've been given great advice. This place is the best! Before I found this site, I was on another one, it was awful! What I like about this site is it has a plan and people are respectful...the mods get onto the ones that aren't. And it works!
I'm going to try to get eblaster installed on his phone, does anyone know how long it takes to download? I'll only be able to get his phone when he is sleeping.
I have heard that it only takes a minute or two
Okay, I am going into plan B in 2 days. How the hell am I going to be able to get all of his stuff out of the house?
Okay, I am going into plan B in 2 days. How the hell am I going to be able to get all of his stuff out of the house?
Just box up a suitcase or so and in your Plan B letter you can tell him where the rest will be.
Are you ready?
Do you have your Plan B letter?
Do you have an IM?
Yes, I do. I will just pack up what I can then. I have a letter and I have an IM. Do I put the conditions in my letter of how we can reconcile? I'm flying out for a week as soon as he gets his no contact letter. Am I ready? I have to be...
Yes, put the conditions in your plan b letter such as ending all contact for life and committing to a recovery plan. Glad to hear that you are launching!
~RQ
Does your family know what is going on? I want to make sure you have plenty of IRL support while in plan b.
Yes, I do. I will just pack up what I can then. I have a letter and I have an IM. Do I put the conditions in my letter of how we can reconcile? I'm flying out for a week as soon as he gets his no contact letter. Am I ready? I have to be...
Post your Plan B letter here so we may help you.
Okay, I am going into plan B in 2 days. How the hell am I going to be able to get all of his stuff out of the house?
How much stuff are we talking about?
You could put it all in a rental storage unit, give him the key and information in the Plan B letter, saying that you've paid the first month's rent but he will be responsible after that.
I just told my parents today, yes I know that was supposed to be before. I've literally told everyone but them. Yes they were suportive, I should've told them before. I will post my letter as soon as I can. He has to much stuff for me to get out before I leave. I will do what I can, maybe I can do it if I get some help. I feel so nervous now. Plus I'm nervous about my part of no contact, how much withdrawal I am going to go through. I will post the letter first thing tomorrow; he is home now and has no idea what is coming.
Ditto! Wish I wad there to help you pack
Wow, 6877, you are showing such strength. I know you have fears about this, but just know that you can do this. You can do this!!!! You are a strong woman who deserves to be treated so much better than your WH has treated you. You were fine before you met him, you will continue to be fine!!! Just breathe!!! You are doing what is best for yourself now.
Here is my plan b letter...I did steal from other people's as well.
Dear D,
I want you to know how much I love you! This letter is one of the hardest things I�ve ever had to put together and It�s taken weeks for me to get up the courage. This letter is truly out of necessity for me and A****, for us as a couple.
I really believe in our marriage and I would do anything to put the love back in our eyes, to put trust back in our hearts. I want to stay married and build something that maybe you�ve never known. Definitely something we have never known, together.
I realize I have not been a perfect partner to you. I�m trying to learn how to be a better person for myself and for us. I want to be someone you are proud to call your wife.
The pain that your relationship with L*** has caused is unbearable for me to handle any longer. Continued contact with you has the potential of destroying my love for you and I don�t want that.
It is b/c of your continued relationship with L**** that you and I must have no kind of contact at all. From here on out we will be communicating through K**** email. Her email address is - >>>>>> She has a agreed to be the �middle man� for us. I will not communicate with you in any other way. Should you try to contact me another way, it will be forwarded or given to K**** without me looking at it. She will pull out what is needed for each of us to know.
When you do decide to end your relationship with L*** here are the things I would need to reconcile:
*No contact with Leah for life. (No contact letter will be written by you and approved by me and I will send it in the mail.)
*A full confession. (Polygraph will be taken, I do not deserve any more lies or secrets. That will not be how a live a marriage. Everything and anything is forgivable, but not if you can�t claim it.)
*Marriage Builders recovery plan.
*Proof that you�ve gone to R*** H*** to get evaluated. What there ideas are and how I would be involved.
*Access to all accounts (FB, email, bank, anything and everything)
*Phone bill comes to the house (I get to make an online account so I can see the actual bill)
Once you have ended your relationship with L**** and are willing to reconcile I will talk to you. Your words at this point mean nothing, only your actions will prove what you want to happen to us. I would do anything to rebuild this marriage and to live a long life with you. I�ve loved you for six years and I continue to love you as a write this letter.
Your loving wife
I have basically everything in order except packing his stuff and me leaving tomorrow. Tomorrow will be hectic. I do have a hair appointment so maybe I will do something differant, just to start over.
What is the part about going to R***H*** for evaluation?
What type of evaluation?
He had made an appointment to go to an addiction center to see if he had a sexual addiction or something else going on with him. He of course never went b/c he is still in contact with her. He has cheated on everyone in his whole life so he knows something is wrong.
Here is my plan b letter...I did steal from other people's as well.
Dear D,
I want you to know how much I love you! This letter is one of the hardest things I�ve ever had to put together and It�s taken weeks for me to get up the courage. This letter is truly out of necessity for me and A****, for us as a couple.
I really believe in our marriage and I would do anything to put the love back in our eyes, to put trust back in our hearts. I want to stay married and build something that maybe you�ve never known. Definitely something we have never known, together.
I realize I have not been a perfect partner to you. I�m trying to learn how to be a better person for myself and for us. I want to be someone you are proud to call your wife.
The pain that your relationship with L*** has caused is unbearable for me to handle any longer. Continued contact with you has the potential of destroying my love for you and I don�t want that.
It is b/c of your continued relationship with L**** that you and I must have no kind of contact at all. From here on out we will be communicating through K**** email. Her email address is - >>>>>> She has a agreed to be the �middle man� for us. I will not communicate with you in any other way. Should you try to contact me another way, it will be forwarded or given to K**** without me looking at it. She will pull out what is needed for each of us to know.
When you do decide to end your relationship with L*** here are the things I would need to reconcile:
*No contact with Leah for life. (No contact letter will be written by you and approved by me and I will send it in the mail.)
*A full confession. (Polygraph will be taken, I do not deserve any more lies or secrets. That will not be how a live a marriage. Everything and anything is forgivable, but not if you can�t claim it.)
*Marriage Builders recovery plan.
*Proof that you�ve gone to R*** H*** to get evaluated. What there ideas are and how I would be involved.
*Access to all accounts (FB, email, bank, anything and everything)
*Phone bill comes to the house (I get to make an online account so I can see the actual bill)
Once you have ended your relationship with L**** and are willing to reconcile I will talk to you. Your words at this point mean nothing, only your actions will prove what you want to happen to us. I would do anything to rebuild this marriage and to live a long life with you. I�ve loved you for six years and I continue to love you as a write this letter.
Your loving wife
I'd delete the last sentences as the "doing anything" implies some subtle desperation that I doubt you mean to convey.
He has cheated on everyone in his whole life so he knows something is wrong.
Something is wrong by your moral standards, not necessarily his. Be careful in having him diagnosed with "something" that removes personal accountability.
Some people are just dumb sh*ts.
Okay, thanks. Makes sense. I doubt he will be able to follow through with any of these things. One last ditch effort I guess on my part.
I agree Northwood. I have a lot of work to do on myself. Honestly I have no idea where to get help. NO normal human being sits through 4 affairs and then still wants to be with that person. Just me. Screwed up me!
But now you are taking a stand for yourself, feel proud of that. You deserve so much more. Don't worry about what he does or doesn't do, that is his to own. Take care of you!
~RQ
Some people are just dumb sh*ts.
Yes, we all know at least one
Take the high road.
He will be furious but stand your ground.
There are spouses on here that have been talked into open marriages and swinging lifestyles and a few years later they are full of regret.
You are correct that you have personal issues to deal with.
It is not healthy to be so attached to someone that continually hurts you.
He probably is a sex addict and there really isn't a way to fix that. They have a 12 step program called Sex Addicts Anonymous but people with these types of addictions and personality disorders usually end up divorced
They are so self centered they are unable to be in a mutually caring relationship.
Consider yourself lucky you found out and acted so soon.
My aunt found out her husband had a black book with te names of escorts and the different sex acts they performed. She never knew how much money he made at his 30 year career and he spent most of it on sex girls. She divorced him but was so codependent on him they later got back together. She decide to just ignore and pretend everything was okay. You dont want to end up like her.
Do the Plan B and take care of yourself
I am very codependent, I have to figure it out.
HDW: That is not what I want from my life. That's awful. Yes he wants me to look the other way. His dad and mom are that way. His mom looks the other way as his dad sleeps with everyone!!
I do deserve more. I sit here faithful and devoted to him. He deployed for a year and I was still faithful, yet he wasn't. I can do this, I can do this, I can do this.
I am lucky though, I have an amazing support group.
So his parents live in adultery.
The cycle goes on and on.
Learned behavior. Kids learn by example, that's why you can't have kids with him because they will seek out similar relationships
Trying Everything: I think I just might!
Thanks, I know all this is true, and I should leave.
I'm not sure why it's so hard for me....
I'm sure he was cheating on me the whole time, I don't doubt that for a second.
We have been together for 6 years. He is 31 and I am 34. He is the only area of my life that I can't make a good decision in.
I obviously am just as sick as him, just in a differant way b/c who stays with someone that cheats that many times.
No one normal!
I am very codependent, I have to figure it out.
6877
If he is a sex addict that addiction will always win out over your M.
QUOTE-Dr. Harley
LOVEBUSTERS PAGE 248
Those with a history of addiction usually have a difficult time learning to be thoughtful. The self-centeredness they perfect as addicts stays with them even when they have overcome the addiction. What looks like thoughtfulness often turns out to be manipulation----they appear to be thoughtful to get their way.
True thoughtfulness accommodates the feelings of others for their sake.
It is a willingness to give up behavior that is offensive to others and create new and appealing behavior. You create romantic love when you do something that is deeply appreciated. It is preserved when you avoid behavior that is deeply resented.�
In other writings Dr H said when a couple first came to him he evaluated either for any addictions before he began any counseling. The addicition would prevent any progress because the active addict coud not be thoughtful enough to make changes necessary which is a requirement to even attempt any type of M recovery.
Thats also why counseling during an active A seldom works.
There is no use wasting money on any type of M counseling if you suspect this is active addiction. If your H seeks counseling on his own and follows through then it could be a different story. In a post you said he talked about seeking help but so far has not.
I recommend 2 books that helped me along the way with why I stayed tooooo long in my M to an alcoholic.
Codependent no more-Melody Beattie
Boundaries by Cloud/Townshed
These two books may help you personally and I only suggest reading them as you mention codependency and possible sex addiction.
Stay strong!
nESRE
nesre - Thank you for the book suggestions. I will be sure to read them both. I want the help! Yes, he has mentioned getting help, he even has made an appointment before but he still doesn't go. Hopefully he goes someday for himself, but not before he screws over the OW, ha ha!
I need prayers tomorrow and the next couple of weeks. Pray for G, that I know my worth.
Plan B - 9/5/12
Did you leave the house?
Did you leave the Plan B letter?
nesre - Thank you for the book suggestions. I will be sure to read them both. I want the help! Yes, he has mentioned getting help, he even has made an appointment before but he still doesn't go. Hopefully he goes someday for himself, but not before he screws over the OW, ha ha!
I need prayers tomorrow and the next couple of weeks. Pray for G, that I know my worth.
Plan B - 9/5/12
I leave the house today. A friend is coming over to help me pack his stuff. Yes the plan B letter will be with his things.
I already feel very bad. There's not much talk on how the BS is supposed to get through withdrawal???? I won't contact him. I get it; I deserve better, but what should I be doing right now besides laying here wondering......
I already feel very bad. There's not much talk on how the BS is supposed to get through withdrawal???? I won't contact him. I get it; I deserve better, but what should I be doing right now besides laying here wondering......
What kind of things can you do for yourself? What do you like?
Make sure you're maintaining self care. Eating, sleeping and exercising.
Get a pedicure or manicure or get your hair done. Time for you.
Everything went ok?
6877
Hiw is your Plan B going? Any update?
nESRE
Almost home, in airport. I can't wait to update, I have so many more questions now. It's to hard on my phone.
Almost home, in airport. I can't wait to update, I have so many more questions now. It's to hard on my phone.
I've been waiting allll day to hear your update
Hope you are doing ok!
In Plan B you work on yourself. Take a class, work out, go out with friends, do a pedicure, etc. Keep busy!
Here's where I'm at...Left everything in the garage and told him there was something in the mailbox for him, which was his letter. I already had taken his key off his key ring which I knew he wouldn't notice until he got home and had locked all the windows. Well, he got in anyway somehow through a window that had an air conditioner in it, and started calling me from the home phone; I did not answer. Which, I know isn't funny but I did laugh that my plan got muddled within ten minutes of it starting. I sent my boss over there to make sure he hadn't broke anything and to tell him to get his stuff and leave. I flew out the next morning for a week. He spent the first couple of days I'm pretty sure with the POSOW and then I think it started to sink in. By Monday he had given me all passwords to every account that he has, including phone account and bank accounts. He had changed his number and made an appointment at RH. He sent me all the texts between him and POSOW that said it was done. She is not happy at all, and I'm sure this isn't the last of her, she really will drive down to find him. He also agreed to the polygraph, which I've yet to really look into, but I just need some help on finding one and questions. He did get into the RH place, which is an addiction center. He did all there tests and he scored quite high on sex addiction, and I mean 16 out of 18, which the counselor said sometimes they might score higher or lower than they really are b/c they are either prooving they need to be there or that they don't need to be there for their spouses. He said they will obviously dig into it more as they go. Him and his new counselor set up a weekly program and his counselor called me. Apparantly I get called every week or sent something every week telling me if he goes, how well he is doing, and if he did his homework. I'm allowed to call the therapist at any time for any kind of updates. My WH signed a release to me. I did talk in great length with the counselor and told him about MB and the polygraph. He agreed it was a good idea. He also that WH and I will come in and make up a contract of boundaries. If my WH does ANY of the stuff on the contract I am supposed to file for divorce immediately. I don't know if this will work or not, but I agreed to wait a month or two to file for divorce until I can see what kind of progress is being made, unless of course he breaks any of the boundaries on the list. I will continue to work on myself, I'm definitely going to sign up for some classes and actually, really get my house organized. Being gone that week was hard but I really did realize I will will be okay by myself with or without my H. I'm closer to leaving and taking care of myself than I have ever been. This website really opened my eyes to a lot of things.
Maybe I'm not supposed to think it's funny but, I'm sure my WH was really suprised his stuff was in the garage, I've never done anything like that before. It would've been nice to see his face.
He also figured out I must have bugged his phone somehow and he wasn't mad at all, which I thought would completely piss him off and he asked if I wanted to put it back on there; that he would let me. B/c his phone was not working about two days into Plan B so he had to have the phone company reset his phone so the eblaster didn't work anymore after that. I would've had to put it back on there. But I already had my evidence and that's all I needed and besides I made my sister-in-law change the email password as soon as I went into plan B so that I couldn't look at it at all b/c I knew this was for myself and I knew looking at there conversations would only kill me. So she was in charge of that part under strict rules not to tell me anything, but then his phone got reset so it was done.
That's where we are at. We still need to do a no contact letter, or he does and I need to approve it. I just got home and work double shifts for two days so nothing has gotten done since I got home. That's where I'm at right now.
Here to help with the polygraph. There are also ideas for the questions in this thread.
Polygraph Testing
All my friends were really great. No one broke any of the rules about me not wanting to know anything about WH or about POSOW no matter what they did, good or bad. It's really hard for people not to update you. I couldn't of done any of it without them or without all these rules for me to follow. I think some of them thought I was crazy b/c I kept saying I had to follow MB rules exactly! That meant sitting on knowing that my WH was still in contact with her for 4 days!!! I knew this was the right way to do it though, no matter which way it turns out.
All my friends were really great. No one broke any of the rules about me not wanting to know anything about WH or about POSOW no matter what they did, good or bad. It's really hard for people not to update you. I couldn't of done any of it without them or without all these rules for me to follow. I think some of them thought I was crazy b/c I kept saying I had to follow MB rules exactly! That meant sitting on knowing that my WH was still in contact with her for 4 days!!! I knew this was the right way to do it though, no matter which way it turns out.
Ok so what are your EPs for him and conditions for him to meet?
Is following a MB program one? Either MB coaching or online program?
Getting into a RH program was one and sticking with it. What else?
Kiddo, you're going to need for him to schedule a complete set of STD screens for both of you, as well.
But WOW!
Reinstall the eblaster on the phone but don't tell him about it.
Good job on the rest. I particularly like the "zero tolerance" contract that was discussed with the therapy group.
Reinstall the eblaster on the phone but don't tell him about it.
Good job on the rest. I particularly like the "zero tolerance" contract that was discussed with the therapy group.
6877
Very good update.
NW's I would normally agree with this position where other addictions are not present in the M and A exists. When other addictions also are present 6877 will need to let WH know upfront in no uncertain terms where the bears sheeits in the woods until he has the other addiction into a stable recovery program. Usually addicts only understand stiff consequences being enforced.
QUOTE-Dr. Harley
LOVEBUSTERS PAGE 248
Those with a history of addiction usually have a difficult time learning to be thoughtful. The self-centeredness they perfect as addicts stays with them even when they have overcome the addiction. What looks like thoughtfulness often turns out to be manipulation----they appear to be thoughtful to get their way.
True thoughtfulness accommodates the feelings of others for their sake.
It is a willingness to give up behavior that is offensive to others and create new and appealing behavior. You create romantic love when you do something that is deeply appreciated. It is preserved when you avoid behavior that is deeply resented
6877 your journey to recovery could be longer than most. Most believe when the other addictions are resolved then the M will automatically straighten out. Your WH and you will have to re-learn new ways which may bleed over into the other addiction. Most recovery programs for the affected spouse teach detachment and iron clad boundaries. MB's does this through Plan A and B with spouses only involved in A's. In your case detachment to stay safe emotionally may need to be used while WH recovers personally. In other words he may need time to learn his recovery program and implement it before he IS ABLE to work on the M. WH's screwed up thinking will need to change first because the other addiction may over ride his consideration and care for the M.
Then the A is an issue itself.
Some of his recovery program and also what you are asked to do may be contrary to MB's advice. It will come down to you having a real good handle on what need is real for the M and should be provided and what bleeds over from the other addiction and should not be provided for WH's own good and for the sake of the M in the long run.
Only believe WH's actions right now and let his long term actions (truely following the SA recovery program) be your guide before becoming vunerable to him again. Use caution until his actions show HE gets it and he knows you will totally enforce your consequences. If you make it a consequence and it is violated then enforce it. Otherwise if you can not or will not enforce it do not say it.
You will know when it is safe again by his true actions.
nESRE
Brainhurts-I need to really think about the EP's, extraordinary precautions, right??? At this point him doing anything wrong towards me will make me file. MB program is a must but what I've read is he has to deal with this addiction first before we work on the MB program. I will continue learning and reading b/c I know that is the right thing for me to do to be a better partner.
Northwood8900-I have his phone records, why would it be benifical for me to reinstall eblaster on that paticular phone? I will if that's what I need to do, I'm just wondering why? I will do whatever this board tells me.
NESRE-I'm confused about some of your posting, b/c I'm new to this forum and I don't know how to repost like other people do so please bear with me. I'm going to copy and paste.
......."When other addictions also are present 6877 will need to let WH know upfront in no uncertain terms where the bears sheeits in the woods until he has the other addiction into a stable recovery program.".......I need a better understanding of this statement.
......."It will come down to you having a real good handle on what need is real for the M and should be provided and what bleeds over from the other addiction and should not be provided for WH's own good and for the sake of the M in the long run.......this none as well.
Maybe I'm fooling myself but I really feel at a place where any negligence toward me will make me file. And I mean ANY!!!
What we are saying is first the addiction needs to be dealt with. Dr. Harley says MB will not work if there's an addiction.
You must also keep your spyware on so you know what's going on.
One of your conditions must be. Be in a program and work the program for his addiction.
6877
He had made an appointment to go to an addiction center to see if he had a sexual addiction or something else going on with him. He of course never went b/c he is still in contact with her. He has cheated on everyone in his whole life so he knows something is wrong.
6877
He had changed his number and made an appointment at RH
6877
He did get into the RH place, which is an addiction center. He did all there tests and he scored quite high on sex addiction, and I mean 16 out of 18, which the counselor said sometimes they might score higher or lower than they really are b/c they are either prooving they need to be there or that they don't need to be there for their spouses. He said they will obviously dig into it more as they go. Him and his new counselor set up a weekly program and his counselor called me. Apparantly I get called every week or sent something every week telling me if he goes, how well he is doing, and if he did his homework. I'm allowed to call the therapist at any time for any kind of updates. My WH signed a release to me. I did talk in great length with the counselor and told him about MB and the polygraph. He agreed it was a good idea. He also that WH and I will come in and make up a contract of boundaries. If my WH does ANY of the stuff on the contract I am supposed to file for divorce immediately. I don't know if this will work or not, but I agreed to wait a month or two to file for divorce until I can see what kind of progress is being made, unless of course he breaks any of the boundaries on the list
BH
What we are saying is first the addiction needs to be dealt with. Dr. Harley says MB will not work if there's an addiction.
If WH is not a SA then he is just trying to get out of the responsibility for his hurtful actions and behavior through his life. The link below is a good read.
From the article
Anything that you enjoy doing so much that you do it without regard for the feelings of your spouse will damage, and possibly ruin, your marriage. But that kind of behavior is not necessarily an addiction. It can simply be a selfish and foolish choice.
What is SA
WH's treatment plan and adherance to it will be his only hope to recover with you.
All I was trying to say is more time than normal may be spent with his personal recovery which would lead to a longer period before marital recovery can really even begin. Plain and simple if he (as you said) has cheated in every relationship then he more than likely is a seriel cheater. Not all seriel cheaters are SA's. M recovery can be extremely difficult with seriel cheaters from the threads I have read on here.
6877
Maybe I'm fooling myself but I really feel at a place where any negligence toward me will make me file. And I mean ANY!!!
nESRE
PS:To quote a whole post hit the quote button at the bottom of the post. Delete out info you do not want or highlight the info you want to address.
You also can hit the quote mark at the top of this box and copy and paste between the quote marks.
Hey there 6877. It is all wrapped up into one big tangled mess, but the addiction aspect is huge!! That addictive mindset has influence over ever single thing. A friend explained that look at it as the umbrella of addiction. All behaviors, ie, deceipt, irritation or anger at getting in "trouble" for partaking in behavior, guilt for doing behavior, how they can't deal with the problems as a result of the behavior, the issues that behavior causes in the marriage, the anger/harsh words shown you b/c of their own feelings of guilt or resentment, their need to demonize you to justify their behavior, etc..... all fall under the umbrella of addiction.
We all have some of these anyway, but they are so magnified when they have to do all of these things to be able to do these behaviors. He has to break free of the fog, the hold that these addictions have on him to stand a chance of a lucid moment of seeing the destruction. It is hard to imagine that they can't see the path of destruction behind them, but they can't.
Having that break in fog/lucid mind will usually wake up addicts who really want better for themselves. Some, just can't wake up, don't want better, can't face reality and life and don't break the addiction. And, you know that there is always the chance that he could fall off the wagon at some point and start the behaviors again. He has to learn to recognize why he does these things. What are the triggers that drive him to cope in these unhealthy addictive ways? He also needs to develop better, healthier coping skills. He doesn't have good ones. When we don't have good coping skills, we turn to the "fun" things that are easy, and those are usually addictive. This addiction of his, his inability to face fears/things and the unhealthy ways he has learned to cope are so much bigger than you or your marriage. That is why you can't recover your marriage while he is sick with his addiction(s). Does this make sense? It took me a very long time to learn this and wrap my brain around it. He looks fine, he acts fine most of the time, but he isn't. The addiction drives him. When someone is controlled by an addiction, it is the only thing that makes them feel better. It is more important to them than anything else. It meets some inner need to feel good, to meet a need, to escape, to get that good feeling that they can't get elsewhere. It is just so hard to imagine. So, I tried to look at it as a balance issue - emotionally, physically, financially, spiritually. You can't be good for yourself or anyone else if you are too off balance. Addictions would mean that person is extremely unbalanced.
You have a hard road ahead of you. It can be done, but you are going to have to be strong enough for the both of you. It might be the hardest thing you have ever done to force him into a treatment center. The stiff consequences nesre was talking about is right. You cannot budge. He will do EVERYTHING to get you to budge on your demands. You can't with addiction. They either get the help they need, work the program, make the changes, continue working the program, always work the program for life, did I say they need to work the program?!! Because, if he doesn't, he will not ever have a chance of finding the emotional balance he needs in life and to share his life with anyone else. You HAVE to hold him to the tough standard.
I am dealing with all of this too. It is hard!!!!
So, I was going to move my thread to recovery but I kind of need advice now. We had been doing well and he was going to his treatment every week but I just saw on his phone records he called her tonight three times. Just need someone to tell me what to do b/c I'm in shock and I just want to deal with it how I'm supposed to.
So, I was going to move my thread to recovery but I kind of need advice now. We had been doing well and he was going to his treatment every week but I just saw on his phone records he called her tonight three times. Just need someone to tell me what to do b/c I'm in shock and I just want to deal with it how I'm supposed to.
Can you update a little more about where your at with your relationship with him? Back living together-or ?
Did you have EP's set up?
nESRE
I have not let him come home, even though he's asked to over and over. It actually was one of the questions I wanted to ask on the recovery forum. The only thing that has stopped me was reading through the recoveries and everyone saying they let the spouse come home to soon.
We had some EP's set up, not talking to her of course was the first one. But since he was going to his addiction recovery place it was like everything was on hold for us. We have been spending more time together and talking more but I guess not enough. He said he called her b/c he misses talking to her and all I ever want is to talk about our problems. Maybe I should just file for divorce. He's never going to change and I don't want to fight over him, especially with this ugly POSOW. It's almost ridiculous she's so weird looking.
Your original post My H and I got married in May 2012. Sometime after we got married he started having an affair. This would be his 4th affair!! The year before we got married was almost perfect. My trust was completely renewed in him, I never thought he would break our wedding vows; I know that sounds crazy since he cheated on me so much before that. So now he keeps going back and fourth, he wants to be married but he does not want to give up the OW. He did call her last night in front of me to tell her goodbye, but I'm sure when he left he called her right back.
He tells me [font:
he wants to do all the things to make me trust him again but then when it comes time to do them he gets pissed and says he doesn't want to be "punished." [/font]
To make matters worse, one day I came home to find the OW walking up to my house to talk to him b/c he hadn't talked to her in 3 dyas! I ended up chasing her down the block I was so mad. Now she is getting a protection order against me, even though she came to my house! I feel like I should just give up. I've been married 2 1/2 months
. I don't want to be divorced but what other options do I have?? I'm so sad.
You have not been married long, this is a repeated pattern for him and you have no children.
And today is more of the same.
Is this what you signed up for?
nESRE
No this isn't what I signed up for or wanted in a marriage. Honestly, I'm scared. The idea of living without him is terrifying. That doesn't make up for what's happening, I know this, but I am petrified.
The idea of living without him is terrifying.
The drama does not help your cause, my friend. You lived without him pre-marriage, and for all intents and purposes you're living without him now.
He has made his decision, by re-contacting her. Have you the personal integrity to manage your own life and well-being, or will you choose to be tethered to a corpse of a dead marriage?
No, I have the personal integrity to manage my own life. He made his decision.
No, I have the personal integrity to manage my own life. He made his decision.
6877
I pray IRL you have a support system in place. It helps to have one on one contact with real people where you live, work, and play.
Re-read what LB3 wrote to you a few posts back. He is going to test you and you have to be strong otherwise this pattern will never be broken.
I know for myself when I weighed it all out I just could not keep going on with an active alchoholic who kept going back to "Her drinking Buddy" over and over. The cycle has to stop somewhere. With him contacting her and then blaming you shows he has an extremely long ways to go with either recovery.
nESRE
Excellent!
Print out that answer. Read it every morning. You are the (only) engine of your personal well-being and recovery. Keep yourself well-tuned and operating at peak performance.
No, I have the personal integrity to manage my own life. He made his decision.
There you go, then.
I'm with the others and would get out of this.
So, here goes�..I decided after going through indiegirls thread that I would post. The reason I went through hers is b/c she is about my age, her husband never came back (I�m on page 114, not so far anyway), and I know she ended up divorcing him and was happy to move on at the time of her divorce. Scotland will be my next thread and honestly, I�ve wrote down so many I want to read I don�t even know where all the post-it�s have went. I want to plan B as Indiegirl has!!!!
So I�ve been lurking and reading, lurking and reading. My WH as I�ve stated is a serial cheater/sex addict, I don�t know at this point what he is. Everyone, or most, their were a few who cheered me on; were very adamant on me divorcing; I do understand this thinking. However, I do love my husband, and even though we have not been married long, we have been together for 6 years, and yes I really do love him. And even though he is a serial cheater, this is just as hard for me to do this time around, as it was the first time around. I still need support, I need someone to hold my hand as I go b/c I�m tired and my friends are tired so there is not as much support for me as there once was. People think they cheat and you should just leave. It is not that simple, but I wish it was.
I�m going to sum this up. My WH has come home repentant TWICE and gone again within 24 hours. This last time was tonight, after last night telling my DD(14) how sorry he was for being (f)up and he was going to do better. Wanted to do better and wanted to have family night, and blah, blah, blah. Today after work he tells me he just doesn�t know if he can stop talking to OW(Elvis), this has been her nickname from the beginning, I just never said b/c it�s mean why I(my friends) call her that. But I�m going to proceed with Elvis.
So I�m immediately going into plan B. I just want help, from people who understand that even though I wish with all my heart he would change, this is absolutely what I have to do! If Indiegirl is still out there, I need you, to help me go forward and know that there is some light out there; b/c all I see is dark. She said don�t be afraid of plan B, I AM AFRAID, but I�m going to do it.
I sent a text telling him that my IM is back in place and that�s the only way he can talk to me. I immediately blocked him from everything I can at home. I�m changing my locks tomorrow; my friend wants a picture of the receipt b/c I promised.
I may seem weak to some, and I am weak with my WH, but he wasn�t always this terrible, even though he has had multiple affairs. He seems wrong in the head, more than ever before. Even though he�s cheated before I never doubted he loved me, now I�m the enemy and Elvis is everything.
I�m not ready to divorce, no matter what anyone says. It hurts my feelings to even talk about it. Scotland said everyone should go to plan B first, but I know, on my life, that I have to Plan B, and get it right this time. I need help though�..
So do you have everything ready?
How to Plan B Correctly
Timing: Should have been doing it all along, he has repeatedly told he would do anything to stay married, and agreed on reading SAA and starting the worksheets, 24 hours later tell me he want to be with his Elvis and me. I told him I would tack care of it, hung up and immediately walked to computer and blocked him from everything. Sent him a text, saying he would need to talk to K to get to me. She was the first IM I used.
Details of HOusing: I live here, it's my house. Not an issue.
IM & IM Role: Yes, and she has agreed to again. I do need to get her some reading materail so that she can do it with some knowledge. She will be great.
Locks: Made promises to friends for pictures of the receipts of changed locks. Will do tomorrow in the morning.
Plan B Letter: I feel like there isn't any reason. I have declared my love for this man over and over and over. And as much as I wish he could change there really is nothing more he could do to be differant. He's a lost soul.
Addendum: We will go through my IM, he barely has anymore things here.
WS ATTEMPTS: Will be difficult, he will try to get to me withough my IM. I'll have to just stay strong with my new locks. I do plan on staying elsewhere off and on during my bad days.
I have to do this!!!!!
Sorry for all the mispellings, it's late and I'm exhausted from the days events, and I had a glass of vino
.
Sorry for all the mispellings, it's late and I'm exhausted from the days events, and I had a glass of vino
.
Send this to your IM.
IM Training School
I encourage you to visit a counselor.
You need to work with the counselor and find out why you want to be with someone that is so uncaring towards you.
You cling to a toxic relationship.
Follow the plan b and stick with it.
Post everything you do here so you can receive feedback from people with experience in plan B.
Hi 6877. I am glad to see you back. I am so sorry to hear this update though. I know we were tough on you before. I hear you.... you don't want to divorce. You have to consider how he is going to behave and the choices he is going to make now that you are going to Plan B. You have to protect yourself. He is not worth you losing yourself in this.
I get the feeling that you are starting to understand that hope is not a plan. Hoping and waiting for someone to choose to do the right thing when they want something else, is hell. I hope you don't languish in wait for him, but begin putting your life back together the way you want it.
Plan B is a great idea for you now. You need to heal from his chaos.
I finally had to realize that I love the man my H presented to me, not the man he was hiding. I loved what I thought he was/thought he could be, not who he actually was and who he kept being. I still believe my H has a good heart, could be a great man, but he really never has been, and I can't make him be one. He has a lot of issues that he is in denial about. I think your H must have some too. What he is doing, is extremely opposite of what the mentality and mindset of what a H should be. 6877, I waited 18 years for him to do the right thing, he never did. You don't want to live like that, it is constant hurt and heart piercing pain and dissappointment. Please don't do what I did. Take your life back. You can't make him change or want what you want. I finally was able to see that my H isn't that good man my rose colored glasses kept showing me. So, I took them off. I hope you will be able to do that in Plan B. You can love him forever, that doesn't mean he is good for you or even marriage material for that matter. Once I realized that, it became much easier for me to make my plan. Just stay strong for yourself 6877. Everyone here will help you and be there for you. We know you have a tough road ahead. I hope you can find some solace in knowing that you are giving yourself the care and protection that you deserve. Eventually, you will be happier without this gut-wrenching hurt and continued heartbreak. One person should never do to another as your H has done to you. He has not behaved like a husband should, and you deserve better.
I'll go one step further and say that he has behaved like a low life [censored].
Whatever you do don't have sex with him and get pregnant. Then your problem will become a lot more complicated
My WH has come home repentant TWICE and gone again within 24 hours. This last time was tonight, after last night telling my DD(14) how sorry he was for being (f)up and he was going to do better. Wanted to do better and wanted to have family night, and blah, blah, blah.
That, 6877, is the exact reason why I would tell you to file for a divorce and never look back.
1. He has been unfaithful during your entire marriage and, likely, for quite some time before. He's not going to change and this is likely going to be your reality for quite some time.
2. Your teenage daughter is watching you and will use YOU as an example of how to conduct herself in a relationship. Be a good example of what *not* to put up with because she's going to gravitate towards men like your husband since she has no other basis for comparison.
By all means, continue with Plan B, but to continue this sham of a marriage is not what you or your daughter needs.
I encourage you to visit a counselor.
You need to work with the counselor and find out why you want to be with someone that is so uncaring towards you.
You cling to a toxic relationship.
VVV, I do understand that something must be wrong in my thinking that I've hung on so long. I really think plan B will help me move forward, if I do it right.
I finally had to realize that I love the man my H presented to me, not the man he was hiding. I loved what I thought he was/thought he could be, not who he actually was and who he kept being. I still believe my H has a good heart, could be a great man, but he really never has been, and I can't make him be one. He has a lot of issues that he is in denial about. I think your H must have some too. What he is doing, is extremely opposite of what the mentality and mindset of what a H should be. 6877, I waited 18 years for him to do the right thing, he never did. You don't want to live like that, it is constant hurt and heart piercing pain and dissappointment. Please don't do what I did. Take your life back. You can't make him change or want what you want. I finally was able to see that my H isn't that good man my rose colored glasses kept showing me. So, I took them off. I hope you will be able to do that in Plan B. You can love him forever, that doesn't mean he is good for you or even marriage material for that matter. Once I realized that, it became much easier for me to make my plan. Just stay strong for yourself 6877. Everyone here will help you and be there for you. We know you have a tough road ahead. I hope you can find some solace in knowing that you are giving yourself the care and protection that you deserve. Eventually, you will be happier without this gut-wrenching hurt and continued heartbreak. One person should never do to another as your H has done to you. He has not behaved like a husband should, and you deserve better.
This sounds like I wrote it, we must have a lot in common. I really don't want to live my life like this. I will do what it takes to get out. I know my daughter is watching.
VVV, I will not get preganant, that I assure you. I might not be smart about him but I will never, ever be a single mother again.
Thanks for the support Northwood.
So do you think I should just go file, even though I don't feel ready but I know it has to go in that direction?
He came home early this morning to pick up some things, he had a key so he just came in. He did give his key to me, he made a little stink but then just gave up and gave it to me. He is blocked from everything of mine. The hard part will be at some point, he will look for me, he always has. He only has a small amount of things here now, so I will try it to get it packed up as soon as possible.
I really do want out. I can't do this anymore. My life is on hold b/c of him, all the time. I will do what you guys tell me to do. I'll just keep posting and I hope you stick with me.
So do you think I should just go file, even though I don't feel ready but I know it has to go in that direction?
Yes, I think you should file. Divorces take a while to go through, so you can always change your mind if he suddenly does a 180. If he doesn't, then you're just better prepared.
Hugs to you 6877. I know the reality and choices you are making is making this a horrible day.
Good luck with your filing I'm in a similar situation my WW is in an affair as I type and I filed even though I want to work it out.
So, I stayed home from work today. It has to be the last day I ever stay home b/c of this situation. I need to get up and be responsible. I'm so tired of laying there b/c I feel depressed.
I feel like if I file for divorce it's going to give them the go ahead to be together? And even though we are not going to be together I still don't want him with her. I know this isn't plan Bish but I know it will bug her that my WH would most likely never divorce me. He'll just be with her and stay married to me.
Meeting with my IM tonight. Already my SIL called and she just can't help herself but talk about him. I said that if we are going to continue to stay friends D can not be a part of our relationship.
So, just got home. He has already started using the IM, which I know is good but also hurts me b/c I know that means he realizes we are over.
Also making plans hurts. It feels weird to talk about plans that are three months away, I should've been married and making plans with him, not trying to fill in my time just so that I can move forward without him.
This all just feels so weird.
I feel you there. It fills like a dream, a bad dream that has no ending. Hang in their and stay your course!
VVV, I will not get preganant, that I assure you. I might not be smart about him but I will never, ever be a single mother again.
Thanks for the support Northwood.
So do you think I should just go file, even though I don't feel ready but I know it has to go in that direction?
He came home early this morning to pick up some things, he had a key so he just came in. He did give his key to me, he made a little stink but then just gave up and gave it to me. He is blocked from everything of mine. The hard part will be at some point, he will look for me, he always has. He only has a small amount of things here now, so I will try it to get it packed up as soon as possible.
I really do want out. I can't do this anymore. My life is on hold b/c of him, all the time. I will do what you guys tell me to do. I'll just keep posting and I hope you stick with me.
It sounds like he doesn't really care if you divorce him anyways.
As Northwood said, divorce can take awhile so you may as well file now and you can always stop it later.
If in doubt you can email Dr Harley and he will give you advice at no charge
It sounds like he doesn't really care if you divorce him anyways.
As Northwood said, divorce can take awhile so you may as well file now and you can always stop it later.
If in doubt you can email Dr Harley and he will give you advice at no charge
t/j alert: so, HDW, what's up with the sudden name change to VVVVVVVVVVVVVVV?
I had to change it.
And delete my signature.
My ex wife's sister may be viewing this forum and I want to maintain a level I anonymity
Um, okay. So VVVVVVVVV works for you - got that
He has said over and over he does not want to divorce, I don't know why since he wants to be with OW. He actually thinks and says he's going to be a better man with or without me, which is obviously some type of fog he believes.
So, I got a text from his brother asking me to call him when I have time, he has a question. I just ignored it b/c I don't know what he would want. Obviously it had something to do with my WH?
My IM said he got a little sh_tty with her. I didn't ask how or what was said.
So what should I do about his brother wanting to ask me a question? Ignore or text something back like I can't talk about any situation with about **EDIT**?
So what should I do about his brother wanting to ask me a question? Ignore or text something back like I can't talk about any situation with about **edit**?
In plan B you would tell your husbands brother you dont want to talk about your husband at all.
He may be offering some help. Or check on your kid.
So what should I do about his brother wanting to ask me a question? Ignore or text something back like I can't talk about any situation with about**edit**?
Did you expose to this brother? Was he supportive of you?
In Plan B you tell everyone you don't want to hear or talk about your WH.
Yes his brother does know all of it, and is supportive of me. Although, I would bet he doesn't approve of the IM situation. He would think it was weird and immature of me. I doubt he's calling about my DD so it would have to be about my WH. I think I will text him back what Knight said to say. I feel like it's going to be impossible for some people to not talk to me about him. I decided I'll just have to limit my time with them if they can't stop.
I have started today to facebook pretty much everyone about us separating. I really need the support and it's much easier telling people my way then waiting to have to tell them the situation when they ask how the "newlyweds" are? Their are many people to tell as our circle is quite big. We are pretty active and I work as a bartender part time so it seems like a lot of people need to know. It feels good to just say it as it is, instead of not b/c I'm hoping for differant. Plus I am very aware I am making really hard on them to ever have a life here in my small city. Hopefuly "judgement" will push them somewhere else to live. And yes, I have put in there that I do not want ANY information about him whatsoever; not even if they see him on the street.
He went through my IM today for a prescription that I had picked up for him; he wanted me to put it in the mailbox and he would stop and get it. I said no to that and that I would drop it off in the mailbox of his brother's house. No reason for him to come to the house at all.
I'm very up and down today.
A good idea may be to create a form letter to fire off to relatives whenever they want to talk about your husband.
Here is a copy of the form letter I used:
Dear In law relative,
As you know *** and I are now divorced.�
I would like to maintain good relations with you as I believe that our children benefit from your involvement in their lives.�
Please feel free to visit or call anytime.�
I request that you do not contact me concerning **** �I do not want to know of her welfare, relationship status, or any other concern.�
I will continue to remain in contact with **** on child related issues.�
Thank you,
I caution you not to talk to people in the bar about this.
Your job is very vulnerable to starting an affair.
I sent him a text saying basically that. He actually was asking something unrelated to me and WH, which thank God.
I actually have high boundaries towards other men. I always have; I have never cheated on anyone. I understand that men and women cannot be friends if their is a husband and wife involved. I would never talk to any man about my issues. I am still married and as long as I am I will be faithful to my husband, even if he isn't. Those are my values and morals and standard!
I already today had some advice that maybe I should just find someone else, to show him I'll be alright. I do not like that, and it pisses me off. Why don't people understand I just want to grieve and get over this before I move onto something else. I feel like there's going to be a big red arrow pointing at me the second I take my ring off. Not b/c I'm all that, b/c I'm still married and I feel like that's when I'll get the most creeps hitting on me. And then when I'm ready to date, it will be crickets.
I almost called an attorney today. I just couldn't, maybe tomorrow I can.
Have you read Surviving an Affair by Dr Bill Harley?
He went through my IM today for a prescription that I had picked up for him; he wanted me to put it in the mailbox and he would stop and get it.
He needs to handle his own prescriptions from now on or have some family member do it instead.
Knight - I have read Surviving an Affair, I only have a little left of it. The problem is the book makes me hopeful, and I can't be hopeful at this moment. And it also makes me see all the things that I was doing wrong in our relationship, which then also makes me think if I change then maybe it would work. I really like the concepts and I wish we had followed them before, maybe things would be differant. I know that's wishful thinking and I just can't be hopeful in any way!
No I will not be handling any more of his things whatsoever. I handled a good majority of his stuff and I am done. That I won't miss!! We won't have to go through my IM that much. We have no kids and we don't really have anything together. I think I should get to keep what's in the house since he wasted all our money on a wedding and my parent's money for that matter.
Not sleeping the best. Up down, up down. Everytime I hear something I think its him coming to the door. Really there's nothing he could do now that would ever save this marriage but I guess that doesn't make it less hurtful.
I'm on day 3 of plan B. Yeah for me, I have to be thankful for each day that I'm out of the drama!
I should call an attorney today. I just keep thinking of the holidays and my birthday right around the corner and how hard it's going to be. Anyway, on to day 3.
Knight - I have read Surviving an Affair, I only have a little left of it. The problem is the book makes me hopeful, and I can't be hopeful at this moment. And it also makes me see all the things that I was doing wrong in our relationship, which then also makes me think if I change then maybe it would work. I really like the concepts and I wish we had followed them before, maybe things would be differant. I know that's wishful thinking and I just can't be hopeful in any way!
No I will not be handling any more of his things whatsoever. I handled a good majority of his stuff and I am done. That I won't miss!! We won't have to go through my IM that much. We have no kids and we don't really have anything together. I think I should get to keep what's in the house since he wasted all our money on a wedding and my parent's money for that matter.
Not sleeping the best. Up down, up down. Everytime I hear something I think its him coming to the door. Really there's nothing he could do now that would ever save this marriage but I guess that doesn't make it less hurtful.
I'm on day 3 of plan B. Yeah for me, I have to be thankful for each day that I'm out of the drama!
I should call an attorney today. I just keep thinking of the holidays and my birthday right around the corner and how hard it's going to be. Anyway, on to day 3.
Have you been into your doctor about your sleep?
Did you give him a Plan B letter?
I gave him a plan B letter back in September the first time I plan B'd him. I moved his stuff out and left the letter with it and got on a plane to North Carolina. I was gone for a week and when I got home he was doing everything on my list of requirements. It wasn't to long though that things started to slide and then he broke the NC October 16th I believe. I didn't think it was necessary to write another one? What could he do to be better now?
I realize it's only been 3 days, but I feel relief in not constantly checking his email, facebook, phone records over and over all day. I'm a little bored without all that constant drama all day long
.
I have a lot of work for the next 3 days pulling doubles, today and tomorrow. It should be good as long as I stay focused and don't get down. On Sunday I have to move all his stuff out to the garage. There isn't a ton here but I fear it will be a really hard day. The finality of all his stuff being gone will be a lot for me to process.
I will force myself to keep reading and maybe do some of the worksheets.
I gave him a plan B letter back in September the first time I plan B'd him. I moved his stuff out and left the letter with it and got on a plane to North Carolina. I was gone for a week and when I got home he was doing everything on my list of requirements. It wasn't to long though that things started to slide and then he broke the NC October 16th I believe. I didn't think it was necessary to write another one? What could he do to be better now?
I realize it's only been 3 days, but I feel relief in not constantly checking his email, facebook, phone records over and over all day. I'm a little bored without all that constant drama all day long
.
I have a lot of work for the next 3 days pulling doubles, today and tomorrow. It should be good as long as I stay focused and don't get down. On Sunday I have to move all his stuff out to the garage. There isn't a ton here but I fear it will be a really hard day. The finality of all his stuff being gone will be a lot for me to process.
I will force myself to keep reading and maybe do some of the worksheets.
Good a dark Plan B will help heal.
What other things do you have planned for you? Have you read Dr.H's Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders?
I gave him a plan B letter back in September the first time I plan B'd him. I moved his stuff out and left the letter with it and got on a plane to North Carolina. I was gone for a week and when I got home he was doing everything on my list of requirements. It wasn't to long though that things started to slide and then he broke the NC October 16th I believe. I didn't think it was necessary to write another one? What could he do to be better now?
I realize it's only been 3 days, but I feel relief in not constantly checking his email, facebook, phone records over and over all day. I'm a little bored without all that constant drama all day long
.
I have a lot of work for the next 3 days pulling doubles, today and tomorrow. It should be good as long as I stay focused and don't get down. On Sunday I have to move all his stuff out to the garage. There isn't a ton here but I fear it will be a really hard day. The finality of all his stuff being gone will be a lot for me to process.
I will force myself to keep reading and maybe do some of the worksheets.
If you think a three day break from the drama is nice, you will love a three month break from it.
My wayward wife refused to end her affair.
It was absolutely devastating for me. We had a family and she threw it all away. I felt like my world was coming to an end.
But I learned that we can't base our self value on how others (including our cheating spouses see us).
Once I fully understood that I can only control my actions, not hers, not OM, not the man on the moon then the real work began of self improvement.
My marriage ended in divorce because she refused to write a NC letter.
I've watched as other betrayed spouses recover their marriages but there is absolutely no trust. I tried monitoring my wife during the affair and false recovery and it was too much work for me ; too stressfull ;It consumed all of my time. Many betrayed spouses literally become their marriage Parole officer.
And the problem is: what if the parole officer gets sick ? What if you are bed ridden for 6 weeks? If there is no reason to trust then the wayward just has another affair.
I think you will enjoy plan B the longer you are in it.
He may try to break plan B. don't allow him to.
Focus on self improvement. Some posters write about having your nails painted and hair done and that's all fine but also focus on real self
Improvement. Reading an informative book like Brainhurt suggests or exercising or volunteering.
BH - No I haven't read Buyers, Renters, & Freeloaders. It will be next book I decided. There really is so much information here, just trying to get to it all is very time consuming. I have learned a ton just from the basic concepts the reading SAA.
I don't have a ton planned yet; it was one of the things I asked in my mass email to "girls" that everyone remember to invite me to things. It's the plus side of working part time in a bar for 13 years; I know a lot of ladies! I pretty much emailed everyone from my bachelorette party. Weird, all in the same year.... I will begin to try to find things to put on my calender that will make me happy.
Knight - My WH has been gone and back I think 3 times. There were times it felt like my heart was ripped from my chest and there was just an open bleeding hole there and he didn't care. Not one bit. It was always all about him. He keeps going back to Elvis and I have no idea why??? Nor does it matter much anymore. I'm not sure if I'm past the pain that causes your stomach to hurt so bad that you can't eat. Where your heart is broke so bad that it literally hurts in chest where a heart belongs. It feels like I'm pass that. I've been there so many times. This just feels real. Like I have to do this.
I have on many occasions discussed with my WH that exact fact of me getting sick and what then?? Would it be okay for him to just have an affair? So many times I've brought that up. It's so weird, b/c it isn't okay and where down the line in my life did I for one second have to have a conversation like that with my husband. When did that become a possibility to me?
He will try to break plan B. I'm amazed at even 3 days of nothing. I will have to be strong and walk the other way. It almost seems impossible to me. But I HAVE to!
Right now I have a lot of work, but I do know I have to take care of myself, even when I don't want to. I am running; A LOT. I work out with friends; they would never let me stop, it's part of who I am.
Yes I will keep reading and self improving. I do believe plan B will save me and my life.
I really appreciate everyone who has posted on my thread. I really need people who know how this works, and what kind of pain it causes. I am a very strong woman, I have no idea or why I ever got to this place where I would stand by a serial cheater. Something I must figure out. Nighty night!
How far do you run?
I'm a marathon runner
Well, right now only about four miles :-). I did a half marathon in May and I planned on doing a couple of sprint tri's as well but since I had to babysit my husband all the time I ended up doing no triathlons. 2 summers ago I did 3 sprint tri's. Definitely one of the biggest accomplishments of my life, doing sprint triathlons. I'm not the best by any means but it takes dedication and I didn't know I could do that. Same with my half marathon, who knew?? I would like to do a full one but it seems like it might take to much training. It's a good goal though.
Either that or set a goal like running a half marathon every month.
That will keep your mind off of wh and it literally kills stress
Alright, here we go. I did not have my WH work number blocked. He's called me about 10 times, left 2 messages. As soon as I got home I blocked his work number and I deleted his voicemails before I could listen. What do I do? I want to text Elvis and tell her to tell him to leave me alone? But what now if he comes to the house; he doesn't have a key to get in. This is how it always goes...he starts looking for me and then I always give in b/c he's sorry and he loves me and wah, wah, wah. This is where I lose myself...
You did the right thing by blocking his number.
Poster IndieGirl made a plan b checklist. I am going to try to find it and post here for you.
If he comes to the house don't answer the door
HOW TO PLAN B CORRECTLY
This is for those who need to go into Plan B and need quick, concise instructions. There is a lot of confusion on how to go into Plan B and what a correct Plan B actually looks like.
TIMING
~Do not go into Plan B quickly. It takes time to prep for Plan B. I went into Plan B in about 48 hours from the time I discovered we had been in a false recovery, and that�s really the quickest you can expect to be able to do this and do a good job of getting all of your ducks in a row. Except for eating and sleeping, I worked on getting ready for Plan B for those whole 48 hours, too. Prepping for Plan B is CRUCIAL and it takes a lot of TIME. Do not skimp on your planning otherwise it will backfire on you. Once you give that PBL to your WS, you want to be able to stay completely dark.
DETAILS ON HOUSING
~DO NOT worry about where the WS is going to live or how he/she is going to pay for it. This is not the BS�s problem. A WS should never be shielded from the consequences of their affair, and this is indeed a consequence. Only worry about yourself and your children at this point. If the WS was able to carry on in an affair all by him/herself, he/she can certainly figure this out. You have enough to worry about.
INTERMEDIARY (IM)
~Find an IM. There is no substitute for this. Do not underestimate the importance of an IM. Do not think �only� text messages or �only� emails are acceptable. They aren�t. YOU MUST FIND AN IM. It can be a family member, a friend or (best bet) someone from MB. A CLOSE family member (parent or in-law) isn�t recommended ~ they are usually not able to stay neutral enough and if you get into recovery this could be difficult.
IM�s ROLE
~An IM�s sole purpose is to be a SPAM FILTER (Steve Harley�s words), allowing only communication that fits the boundaries set forth in Plan B (i.e., regarding children and finances ONLY). It�s usually recommended that most of the communicating be done via email, that way everything is in writing. Phone calls and text messages are permissible but most find emailing easiest. My IM re-wrote emails between us in her own words in order to avoid any emotional tones/responses.
They do not share any other info the WS sends, regardless of how benign the content. ONLY pertinent info is to be sent through to the BS. The IM is also not to share any info about the BS with the WS. Pertinent info about children and finances only should be passed back and forth.
The IM is to remain neutral...just a messenger sending info on, no reactions.
If the WS sends something inappropriate, the IM is to thank the WS for the communication, but let the WS know it will not be shared with the BS and refer the WS back to the PBL.
If the WS tries to contact the BS in any way, the IM is to tell the WS that the BS has not opened/listened to whatever it is, and the IM is to refer the WS back to the IM for all communication.
CHANGING THE LOCKS ON YOUR HOUSE
~This is very important so that the WS cannot come back into the marital home whenever he/she pleases. I called a locksmith out at about 10:00 pm on a Saturday night, he was very helpful. I didn�t have cash and didn�t want my WH to see on our credit card that I had called a locksmith, so he even followed me to a nearby grocery store to pull money out. He was very accommodating and seemed to understand that I was in trouble.
A second option instead of changing the locks is to simply put a deadbolt on any door to which the WS has a key. Also, if there is a garage door opener with a keypad, the keypad code needs to be changed. If you don�t have a keypad (only openers) and the WS has one, make sure to deadbolt/change the lock on the door between the garage and house. It is legal to change the locks on your own home, so do not be concerned about this.
PLAN B LETTER
~Write a �love letter� to your WS. Mention some particularly good memories the two of you have (vacations, special holiday traditions, silly moments).
Mention how hurt you are over the affair but that you are still willing to try to recover because of the love you have shared in the past. In one brief sentence state that you are not willing to do this until the A is over for good and that when it is, the WS is free to let the IM know and the IM can pass this info on to you.
Tell your WS that the pain is too great to be in contact with them while the A is continuing and because of that, you need to protect yourself.
Close the letter with �I love you and will be praying for you� or something similar.
Curtail the letter to your situation. This is a �love letter� so do not add any specifics on how PB will be carried out ~ those will go in an addendum to your PBL. It�s best if this letter is in your own handwriting rather than typed.
ADDENDUM
~In the addendum will be the logistics of how full NC between the BS and WS will be carried out. Here you will list the drop off and pick up points of children, who will be your IM, how the financial obligations will work. This is NOT part of your PBL, but it WILL be given to the WS when the PBL is delivered.
In the addendum you will also let the WS know that you have packed up all of THEIR personal belongings (no household items) and that the WS's boxes will be left __________ (on the front porch or driveway, second option would be a friend or family member's home) until ________ (usually 2-3 days from the time the letter is given). I packed up all of my H's belongings in about 30 minutes. This shouldn't take long.
IF THE WS ATTEMPTS CONTACT
IGNORE HIM/HER if it comes in the form of a phone call, email, text message, etc. Let the IM know and ask the IM to reiterate to the WS again that all contact MUST go through the IM.
If it�s in person, walk away. My H caught me in our garage one day, he was early picking the kids up and I was not yet locked in the safety of the house. He commented that he liked my new haircut. I smiled and quickly walked in the house. I did NOT talk to him or thank him for the compliment.
You did what you were supposed to with those messages, and you don't need to worry if you did.
Check out the list that JK posted, also, if you need pointers.
Alright, here we go. I did not have my WH work number blocked. He's called me about 10 times, left 2 messages. As soon as I got home I blocked his work number and I deleted his voicemails before I could listen. What do I do? I want to text Elvis and tell her to tell him to leave me alone? But what now if he comes to the house; he doesn't have a key to get in. This is how it always goes...he starts looking for me and then I always give in b/c he's sorry and he loves me and wah, wah, wah. This is where I lose myself...
Do you have an IM? Have your IM send another message stating all contact must go through them.
I did have my IM send him a message this morning. But already my SIL was texting me today b/c he wanted to come over and get the rest of his stuff. I just texted no and then tomorrow I'll have my IM send him a message on what time tomorrow.
Last night was tough. As soon as he started calling me I could feel myself just wanting so bad to pick up or to call him. I just wanted him to make it better and say he's willing to try. I came straight home from work and got into bed, it literally put me down when he started calling. I felt afraid or something, I can't put my finger on the feeling. I have no idea why he called so many times but today I feel good that I didn't respond but knowing he's coming to get the rest of his stuff is heartbreaking. I'm going to put it all out in the garage.
What do I do with pictures?? Give him some or throw them away or what?
I did not send him a plan B letter this time. Do you think I should? No one on here thinks I should give him any more chances and at this point I would not believe a word he says. What could he possibly to do be back in this relationship? I started rereading SAA. I want to read it again b/c last time I read it the affair was very fresh. MY WH and Elvis' affair is exactly like one of them in the book. He cannot seem to break contact with her. He does good for a week, maybe a month and then goes right back to her. Would there even be ANY hope that he could change? Can a serial cheater change?
I do have a question though. Why isn't my love bank depleted entirely? He has done nothing but lie and have affairs, why is it that I still love him if he's done nothing to put anything into it? It is differant now of course, he hasn't deposited a single thing since we got married. It's like the day we got married I was signing up to be single. Shouldn't my love be gone?
Please stay with me for those that are posting to me. I'm doing a thousand times better since I got on this website and learned of MB. I definitely wouldn't be doing so well right now if I didn't have a place to go for encouragement.
Did you change your contact information? Change everything so he can NOT contact you.
Your Love Bank isn't depleted because your LB bank was in the positive. Trust me, if you continue to stay out of contact with him you will continue to heal. The other thing with Plan B is that it protects your LB in case your WH starts to meet your conditions then you MAY be ready for a recovery.
On the pictures a few posters have boxed them up for later. I wouldn't destroy them, just box them up until you're ready.
What do you have planned for yourself? Are you reading any other of Dr. H's books? Buyers, renters and freeloaders is an eye opener.
I have changed pretty much everything. I cannot change my work email so I will have to be strong enough to just forward it to my IM or delete it. But I realize NOW how important this plan B is going to be for me to heal so I will just delete I believe.
I haven't given him any conditions except for way back in September when he got his first plan B letter. That one seems stupid now b/c he just said he would and then he didn't. He tried to give it all to me, for about a month but then he slipped so of course I knew right away b/c I had access to everything and it's been downhill(or back and forth) ever since. I guess I want to give him some sort of way back into the marriage but then again he might just lie and try and then not be able to follow through. He actually does try, b/c at that moment he's telling me, he believes himself. He gives me access to everything. Hands it over like he'll do anything to prove himself, but then a day or week or month goes by and his need for Elvis is just to much, I guess.
I have tons of support. I'm heading to my friends for dinner tonight. I have made plans for travel in February and my other friend wants me to commit to RAGBRAI! I don't know where your from but maybe someone will know what that is. It's way in July 2013 which makes me nervous to commit to b/c it's so far away but I told her I would! It's a week long cycling event. I've done it before(4 times) just not for a few years. It makes me nervous b/c I don't know where I'll be at that point in my life. Plus it's a weeks vacation to exercise; I'd rather be by the ocean.
Also I tried to make an appointment to file D. He never returned my call, but I'm sure he will Monday. He knows my mother so I'm sure he won't put me off. He actually said my first appointment is free since he knows her. Then this morning I didn't want to file yet, but this afternoon I do want to file??? I don't know what to do? I get I should file first and that's why I want to, but it makes me sick and sad and feel bad. That's not an excuse anymore but I can't help but have that teeny tiny sliver of hope. Which is why I know I need to stay in plan B perfectly. To help me decide.
I will order that book tomorrow. I will finish this one and actually do all the worksheets and then I will continue on to that one.
Thanks BH, I really need the support so I appreciate it a lot. I've tried to explain MB to my friends and they get some of it, especially Plan B, but it's hard to sell them on all of it. With time I guess and as I get wiser about the program.
If you have outlook at work you can block his email address.
I would file and you can always stop if he was to meet your conditions. He had your PBL before, but he knows how to work you and knows your weak points. File and stay dark in your Plan B. You will heal so well. I'm glad you have a support system IRL. The times in Plan B that are difficult are when you're alone. Come here and ask for help when you feel weak.
MB posters want to help you.
So talk to your lawyer and file, ok?
I did have my IM send him a message this morning. But already my SIL was texting me today b/c he wanted to come over and get the rest of his stuff. I just texted no and then tomorrow I'll have my IM send him a message on what time tomorrow.
If your SIL is not your IM, then any message coming from her doesn't count. If you respond to anything that he sends via SIL the he will handily ignore your IM.
Make sense?
Tell your SIL that you do not want to hear anything else about your husband--including, and especially, any messages.
Regarding divorce, that is your choice. You can file now or set a date that you plan to file. I encourage you to file now so you have legal protection against his actions.
Regarding your question: Can serial cheaters change?
The answer is yes. People change all the time. Alcoholics quit drinking, porn addicts stop looking at porn and cheaters stop cheating.
The Bible tells the story of King David, who fell into an adulterous affair with a soldiers wife. David later repented of his adultery and turned back to God, after he essentially ordered the death of his affair partners husband. David faced consequences as a result of his affair, including the death of his firstborn child.
The best way to help people change is to allow them to face the natural consequences of their actions.
BH - I will look more into my email at work on Monday. I will call our "lady" who knows how this works and see if she can help me, ha ha!
Northwood - I think tomorrow I will text her just that. I'm sure she was getting pressure from my BIL and that is just not exceptable to me. I did get really angry today about her texting and calling me, b/c she knows how they are, she knows how this works, and she should want to protect me, regardless!
Knight - Even though it seems crazy, it's been in my favor to know he could change, b/c he's not! And that's the most important point to me. It breaks my heart but I just keep thinking of the pain he will feel when I'm actually not there, ever! Which is now, but it's new, so I have to keep being strong. Just not responding last night was such a big deal to me, and probably to him! It's differant! And I have to keep moving towards differant!
NW -The more today went on, the more I was mad, and tomorrow I WILL text her those words. He can go through my IM, it's his path to me, and if he doesn't agree it's not my problem. I feel like nothing is my problem anymore.
Anyone that is reading, which I'm not saying there is b/c I feel like b/c my WH is a serial cheater their is less remorse from people. As weepy as I am right now, it is WAY better than before. He does not get to decide when he calls me, he does not get to decide when to see me. I have always been at his mercy, b/c I love him. I will not feel bad that I love him. But!!!!!! I am stronger now b/c of MB; I am stronger now reading IndieGirls thread, I am stronger now kowing many, many people here have tried and failed, tried and failed! I love my husband! I would do anything for him to change! But this is it! This is my saving grace! I was dyiing before and now I'm not! Sad, but I'M not dying! I may be 4 days in, but I feel the relief already.
Regarding your question: Can serial cheaters change?
The best way to help people change is to allow them to face the natural consequences of their actions.
This is what I've been reading and reading....thanks for the reminder!
Hey there 6877. I am sorry that you are having a rough time. I know how painful it is.... I would like to ask you.... Please stop thinking about "the pain your H will feel" about you not being there or anything else. I really think you should keep in the forefront of your mind the pain YOU will feel if you stay with him because he is NOT going to stop doing exactly what he wants to do. He doesn't care that he is ripping your heart out. So, please show more care, protection and consideration for yourself. It is hard, I know. But, you can do it. It takes time to turn it around inside yourself. You are worth it 6877. You deserve so much better than what he gives you. He isn't in pain, not really, he is out filling all of his holes with everhthing he can to not feel any. He has probably been doing this his whole life 6877. He was doing this kinda thing long before he met you, and will continue b/c he doesn't have any other way to cope or deal with his issues. People can change.... I don't think he will. Not in the forseeable future anyway. Don't stay, waiting for him to change. It would kill you 6877.
Today was a weird day. I felt very strong this morning but this afternoon their has been a lot of tears. I moved the rest of his stuff out but he never came to get it. I guess his brother came early this morning to get it, which I don't know why b/c I never said it was ready.
I realize plan B is supposed to be about ME, and I'm trying to do that but it has been very hard to not just constantly think about him. I'm not thinking of him in a loving way or even an I miss you way. He hasn't been kind to me since we got married. I can't even remeber the last genuine thing he has done for me. I'm sure he is filling in all of the holes so he doensn't have to feel "this" at all.
I see now that I must have been having a panic attack on Friday. I have not broke my plan B and I have no intention of, but the urge to call him comes on really strong at times. I know though what's on the other end if I do call him, all lies!! It's hard not to wish things were differant and it's really hard to wrap my mind around the fact that my marriage was a mistake.
You need something to keep at hand to do when these attacks of wanting to see him come on.
Some of the posters have tried the rubber band around the wrist game (snapping it whenever they think about their WS) and one, I believe, (Scotland I think) put $1 (or its equivalent) in a jar for each time.
Pick up some small habit like that to help you get through this.
That's when you need to lace up your shoes and go for a run.
***edit***!
Today was a weird day. I felt very strong this morning but this afternoon their has been a lot of tears. I moved the rest of his stuff out but he never came to get it. I guess his brother came early this morning to get it, which I don't know why b/c I never said it was ready.
I realize plan B is supposed to be about ME, and I'm trying to do that but it has been very hard to not just constantly think about him. I'm not thinking of him in a loving way or even an I miss you way. He hasn't been kind to me since we got married. I can't even remeber the last genuine thing he has done for me. I'm sure he is filling in all of the holes so he doensn't have to feel "this" at all.
I see now that I must have been having a panic attack on Friday. I have not broke my plan B and I have no intention of, but the urge to call him comes on really strong at times. I know though what's on the other end if I do call him, all lies!! It's hard not to wish things were differant and it's really hard to wrap my mind around the fact that my marriage was a mistake.
Here are some good clips on Plan B. Tell us what you think.
Radio Clip on Plan B Radio clip of a BH and WW Segment #2 Segment #3
Some of the posters have tried the rubber band around the wrist game (snapping it whenever they think about their WS) and one, I believe, (Scotland I think) put $1 (or its equivalent) in a jar for each time.
Rose, this made me giggle b/c I was thinking, I don't have that much money!!
BH - Thanks I will listen tonight to those segments.
So I had a small break in plan B. My WH came to the house this morning at 6am. He pounded on the door, my dog was going crazy and I was so confused about what was happening I just let him in. He came in and wanted to talk, I said I wouldn't. I said "You made your choice now I'm making mine. You've had every minute of everyday to make this right and you've chosen not to." Then he starts crying and gets on his knees and just sobs in my hands saying he wants to come home. I just stood there and calmly said, "I don't believe you." He got up and went downstairs, I don't know what for I guess to make sure I got everything out and then he left. I didn't unblock him so nothing more has happened.
It didn't make me sad or feel sorry for him. I have of course all day been wondering what would it take for him to come home.
-Polygraph
-Counseling with SH
-He posts on this thread
But I know how hard that would be for him. To change who he is. I'm unwilling anymore to have anything less than what I am to him. Faithful, loyal, honest, loving! I wish with my whole being he would CHOOSE to be who I deserve, but I know I can't change him. He has to do it on his own. I will be okay, with or without him. I've given him all my love that I could.
Lol. What do you do when all your money is in the jar?
You are absolutely right.
You can't change him.
The mere fact he chose to ignore your plan b letter is a sign of disrespect.
You can only change your behaviors and how you respond to the behaviors of others (including him).
Be thankful that you don't have kids.
I am very thankful we don't have kids. My daughter is 14, I have no desire to do it again on my own.
I think b/c there was no PBL this time, everything is a bit more confusing. Just that he couldn't contact me except through my IM. He was saying, I'll give you all my passwords to everything. He does know what has to be done, and I've said before when he wants to come home he gives it all to me, but it just never lasts. It's like he wants to be honest but the pull is to much for him. Of course he hasn't read a thing on here or any of SAA, which I think makes a huge differance on your thinking about affairs. He's following his feelings and that's all he cares about right now, how he feels!
It sounds like that is how he has been his entire life
It sounds like that is how he has been his entire life
Perhaps.
The rubber band snapping is good even if you don't put $ in a jar.
Alternatively you could also pluck and eyebrow hair every time
Alternatively you could also pluck and eyebrow hair every time
WHAT? Jedi, are you drinking?
You buy something nice when you fill up a jar. That way you get stuff, and there's an actual benefit.
Rose, this made me giggle b/c I was thinking, I don't have that much money!!
BH - Thanks I will listen tonight to those segments.
So I had a small break in plan B. My WH came to the house this morning at 6am. He pounded on the door, my dog was going crazy and I was so confused about what was happening I just let him in. He came in and wanted to talk, I said I wouldn't. I said "You made your choice now I'm making mine. You've had every minute of everyday to make this right and you've chosen not to." Then he starts crying and gets on his knees and just sobs in my hands saying he wants to come home. I just stood there and calmly said, "I don't believe you." He got up and went downstairs, I don't know what for I guess to make sure I got everything out and then he left. I didn't unblock him so nothing more has happened.
It didn't make me sad or feel sorry for him. I have of course all day been wondering what would it take for him to come home.
-Polygraph
-Counseling with SH
-He posts on this thread
But I know how hard that would be for him. To change who he is. I'm unwilling anymore to have anything less than what I am to him. Faithful, loyal, honest, loving! I wish with my whole being he would CHOOSE to be who I deserve, but I know I can't change him. He has to do it on his own. I will be okay, with or without him. I've given him all my love that I could.
6877,
This wasn't a small break. This was the grand canyon of Plan B breaks.
Look what seeing him has done to you? What actions has he done to show you he wants to recover?
What are you going to do to?
Your right BH, is was the grand canyon of breaks. He was at the house again when I got home last night. Crying, saying he would do anything to make this right. He would have another wedding for us, blah, blah, blah. To please give him some time to get his stuff together before I file. He said that he broke all contact with Elvis and that he would call her in front of me if that's what I wanted. I could have all his passwords and that he would give me a key to his apartment and that I could stop over at anytime un announced to check up on him. He begged for the SAA book that he knows I've been reading. Again I told him his words mean absolutely nothing. I gave him the book and then I gave him the website. I told him to read the book and that he must post on her for guidance and that instead of paying for a stupid wedding he could pay for either the online program or phone counseling.
Hold your horses there!
This is unraveling quickly, and I'd urge you take a huge step back from this guy right now. Priscilla is nowhere near ready and is only at your door because Elvis is, seemingly, out of commission for the time being.
MB principles are that anyone can change and you can have measures in place to hold spouses acountible etc
But I assure you that there are eligible men in the world, in your state, in your town that do not have affairs 4 months into a marriage.
He chooses to be very selfish and uncaring.
If he knocks on the door again don't answer it, go in the room and call a girlfriend to talk to. If he doesn't leave after 30 minutes call the police.
If he is there when you come home keep driving
So, I thought I would update for those of you who are helping me, or at least so I keep posting and don't lose myself.
My WH is home right now, he has been home for over a week. We spend all our time together, I have all passwords, and he has begun to read SAA and he has agreed to coach with Steve.
I also wrote into the radio show and they read my email on the show which he did listen to. They did give me a little hope for us both although I am very aware that it is up to him to stay faithful.
This week has been very hard. He is going through withdrawal and is miserable. He is wanting to leave and go back to apartment at times but I also think he knows what I say is true, about the statistics of them working, about how he is miserable when I'm not there. I'm not trying to coach or train him, I'm trying to give him facts and then sit silently as he considers it all. Last night I had to work till 11:00, when I got home he had packed up all his stuff but was on the couch in his pajamas waiting for me to come home and watch tv. I guess he thought I was going to freak out and get mad and yell, but I didn't, I sat down and we talked. He said he was sad and depressed and he hates everyone. He doesn't know if he'll ever be the same and he misses her but he loves being home with me too. I sat so calmly repeating in my head that I MUST be the lighthouse for him. Basically he is waying the options, he wants to know for sure if he leaves me that him and OW will be happy. What's getting him is he knows I'm digging for information and facts so he knows when I tell him something that it's true, even if he doesn't want to believe it. He said, maybe me and OW are in the 5% who make it. He thinks that they would have a fresh start and trust would already be there instead of him working for it. I just calmly said that I will always be there in their minds, I am part of who they are, otherwise when I do leave as I have and gone dark, they both wouldn't come after me like two addicts looking for their dealer. That he still has to dig out with all family and friends and it will be worse, b/c he won't be standing by my side. He knows I'm right, he's just looking for any loop hole to confirm that they will be happy together.
Also, he did start reading SAA, and he got so frustrated while reading. I think he was triggering from reading about Jon and Sue. I agreed to wait a couple of weeks and we will begin again. It is not an option for us not to work this program.
We live paycheck to paycheck so calling Steve will be a charge straight to my credit card and I've read the first time should be a double session??
On a good note, I signed up for classes at a local community college. I've been wanting to for more than 10 years. This seems like the right time to start even if we don't make it.
He also thanked me when we went to bed for talking to him, talking it through with him. It was what he needed. It feels much better to be calm then to be crazy, even though the later is easier to do. I would've been calm even if he was sitting there ready to leave.
Sorry for the rambling.
So, I thought I would update for those of you who are helping me, or at least so I keep posting and don't lose myself.
My WH is home right now, he has been home for over a week. We spend all our time together, I have all passwords, and he has begun to read SAA and he has agreed to coach with Steve.
I also wrote into the radio show and they read my email on the show which he did listen to. They did give me a little hope for us both although I am very aware that it is up to him to stay faithful.
This week has been very hard. He is going through withdrawal and is miserable. He is wanting to leave and go back to apartment at times but I also think he knows what I say is true, about the statistics of them working, about how he is miserable when I'm not there. I'm not trying to coach or train him, I'm trying to give him facts and then sit silently as he considers it all. Last night I had to work till 11:00, when I got home he had packed up all his stuff but was on the couch in his pajamas waiting for me to come home and watch tv. I guess he thought I was going to freak out and get mad and yell, but I didn't, I sat down and we talked. He said he was sad and depressed and he hates everyone. He doesn't know if he'll ever be the same and he misses her but he loves being home with me too. I sat so calmly repeating in my head that I MUST be the lighthouse for him. Basically he is waying the options, he wants to know for sure if he leaves me that him and OW will be happy. What's getting him is he knows I'm digging for information and facts so he knows when I tell him something that it's true, even if he doesn't want to believe it. He said, maybe me and OW are in the 5% who make it. He thinks that they would have a fresh start and trust would already be there instead of him working for it. I just calmly said that I will always be there in their minds, I am part of who they are, otherwise when I do leave as I have and gone dark, they both wouldn't come after me like two addicts looking for their dealer. That he still has to dig out with all family and friends and it will be worse, b/c he won't be standing by my side. He knows I'm right, he's just looking for any loop hole to confirm that they will be happy together.
Also, he did start reading SAA, and he got so frustrated while reading. I think he was triggering from reading about Jon and Sue. I agreed to wait a couple of weeks and we will begin again. It is not an option for us not to work this program.
We live paycheck to paycheck so calling Steve will be a charge straight to my credit card and I've read the first time should be a double session??
On a good note, I signed up for classes at a local community college. I've been wanting to for more than 10 years. This seems like the right time to start even if we don't make it.
He also thanked me when we went to bed for talking to him, talking it through with him. It was what he needed. It feels much better to be calm then to be crazy, even though the later is easier to do. I would've been calm even if he was sitting there ready to leave.
Sorry for the rambling.
Did he write a NC letter? Do you have spyware on everything? You're gone until 11pm and he was all packed? This screams of contact.
It's his actions you must see.
The NC letter is non-negotiable.
Is he on ADs?
Basically he is waying the options, he wants to know for sure if he leaves me that him and OW will be happy.
Wow. Just, wow.
You would have done well telling him to hit door since he's already got his stuff packed.
Were you, seriously, discussing with him whether you or OW would be the better fit?
Also, he did start reading SAA, and he got so frustrated while reading. I think he was triggering from reading about Jon and Sue. I agreed to wait a couple of weeks and we will begin again. It is not an option for us not to work this program.
No, 6877. He does not get to "get frustrated" and put everything on hold.
This clown hasn't hit rock bottom and coddling while he's worrying about whether to go see OW isn't going to cut it.
Sorry, 6877, but this sounds premature. I'd tell Priscilla to get the hell out the very next time he mopes around pining the loss of OW.
Yes, he sent her a text message. Her number is blocked so she couldn't reply, but that's what he said happened. He told me that he said he was sorry. I know he was reaching out to her hoping she would make the next move.
So yesterday I sat down with him and told him that the rule was for him to come home was that he live with me and give up his apartment. He can't have one foot out the door while we are trying to work on things. He said he didn't want to go b/c he knows what route I will take by blocking him from my life(plan B). But again he was unwilling to ACTUALLY move in and work the program so I just told him he had to leave and he did.
He was the one who wanted to come home. He was the one on his knees. It took about 5 days before he really started getting depressed and changing his mind on everything. I don't know what will happen from here. He's blocked from everything and he knows what he would have to do to come home. I was fooled AGAIN!
The no contact letter has never been written and your right, it's non-negotiable.
He is not on AD's. I told him that maybe he should get on some while he goes through this and he flat out said no. It's almost like he hates it that I know what's happening.
My only thing is that I know if I made the appointment with SH, he would talk to him. Do I still do that, even though I'm trying to go back to plan B? Is me setting up the appointment and him talking better than waiting for him to do it, b/c he won't but he would talk if I set it up. Isn't that something?
Is me setting up the appointment and him talking better than waiting for him to do it, b/c he won't but he would talk if I set it up. Isn't that something?
What he is doing is what so many other WH's do on here: the bare minimum required to return to the status quo.
You can certainly set up the appointment and then go to Plan B at the same time. You could note in your Plan B letter that you've scheduled him an appointment--a sort of parting gift, perhaps.
Your absolutely right NW, he wants to do the bare minimum. He said he already knows how to make someone feel special, he doesn't need a book to do it, ha ha!!!!
I was discussing who is better for him. I thought I was doing right by not freaking out.
Priscilla is a perfect name for him.
I was discussing who is better for him. I thought I was doing right by not freaking out.
What I meant was that by talking about her with him you're giving her
validity and making it such that she
matters and is
worthy of talking about. It's as though talking about which person he should choose is even a rational question or an acceptable topic of conversation to begin with. You engaging in a conversation about her should be akin to talking about maggot infestations in the brain while you're eating spaghetti dinner in a classy Italian restaurant.
So, and my advice is worth what you paid for it
, I'd proceed as though OW is a complete POS hardly worthy of your thoughts. That she should apologize to the world for wasting the planet's oxygen by breathing. That if your husband thinks that he can find better elsewhere, then go for it, bub, 'cause you aren't going to be anybody's "Plan B" (for lack of a better term) and sure as hell aren't going to sit there on the couch and console him while he goes all Bambi-doe-eyes on you.
And you did fine by not freaking out. It's pretty easy to tell someone to go cry a river elsewhere while maintaining civility.
Continue/re-start Plan B and let him go be sad someplace else. And that's my soapbox!
If you live paycheck to paycheck, i would not call the coaching center.
You were doing well.
But you never did do an actual plan B.
Do you want to be a parole officer for your husband your whole life?
This guy is just plain bad news.
You really need to go talk to an individual counselor and figure out why you feel you need him.
Your absolutely right NW, he wants to do the bare minimum. He said he already knows how to make someone feel special, he doesn't need a book to do it, ha ha!!!!
I was discussing who is better for him. I thought I was doing right by not freaking out.
Priscilla is a perfect name for him.
6877,
If he will not do is required to recover, the NC letter, then please get into a proper Plan B.
This is going to hurt your health and sanity. What can we do to help you get into a dark Plan B?
[quote=6877]
If he will not do is required to recover, the NC letter, then please get into a proper Plan B.
This is going to hurt your health and sanity. What can we do to help you get into a dark Plan B?
I'm in plan B now. Just 2 days in though. I do have an IM so that's all in place. My weakness is always when he comes to the house, I realize now that I have to just ignore the door. He has nothing in this house anymore so no reason for him to need to come in. Fortunately I feel more in control in plan B, sad and hurting, but in control. We've just been down this road 3 times now, I don't know what it's going to take?? I'll just keep moving forward, even on bad days
If you live paycheck to paycheck, i would not call the coaching center.
You were doing well.
But you never did do an actual plan B.
Do you want to be a parole officer for your husband your whole life?
This guy is just plain bad news.
You really need to go talk to an individual counselor and figure out why you feel you need him.
Letting him in the house is not plan B, no. That part will be the hardest to overcome.
No I do not want to be a parole officer for the rest of my life. I do believe somewhere in there is a good man, if he chooses to take the right path he might still have a wife, if he doesn't, he won't have a wife anymore at some point.
I'm over individual counseling. I've gotten more on my feet since the day I came across this website than any of the 3 counselors me and my husband went to see, and yes I saw all of them individually as well. I can already tell you why I hold on so strong to something that obviously isn't working. Hashing it out isn't going to help me anymore. I already know that my dad wasn't ever really around and I was raised to believe you stay in it during the bad to get to the good. Obviously my mind has taken all of that waaayy to far. I don't need to talk about my relationship with my WH anymore. All I need is to watch his actions, write on this board when I need to, and just keep plodding ahead with my reading and my life.
Reading other people's threads help keep me sane.
[quote=6877]
If he will not do is required to recover, the NC letter, then please get into a proper Plan B.
This is going to hurt your health and sanity. What can we do to help you get into a dark Plan B?
I'm in plan B now. Just 2 days in though. I do have an IM so that's all in place. My weakness is always when he comes to the house, I realize now that I have to just ignore the door. He has nothing in this house anymore so no reason for him to need to come in. Fortunately I feel more in control in plan B, sad and hurting, but in control. We've just been down this road 3 times now, I don't know what it's going to take?? I'll just keep moving forward, even on bad days
You changed the locks, correct?
He gave me back his key when he left, so he can't get in the house. I let him in last time when he came to the house to talk and I shouldn't have.
Are you the adult child of an alcoholic?
I ask because you are around alcohol in your Job and because one of the top traits of an ACOA is clinging to toxic relationships
Another trait is having difficulty knowing what is "normal"
Typically women look for someone who resembles their father in relationships.
If the father was absent they usually pick the bottom of the barrel.
I encourage you to stay in plan B and focus on running.
He gave me back his key when he left, so he can't get in the house. I let him in last time when he came to the house to talk and I shouldn't have.
Change the locks.
He may have made a copy at a local hardware or auto parts store
ANY contact means that you are NOT in Plan B.
You have an IM, which is awesome, but do they know what they should and shouldn't pass onto you? Having a great IM is the backbone of a great PB.
Have you changed all of your contact info?
Are you the adult child of an alcoholic?
I ask because you are around alcohol in your Job and because one of the top traits of an ACOA is clinging to toxic relationships
Another trait is having difficulty knowing what is "normal"
Typically women look for someone who resembles their father in relationships.
If the father was absent they usually pick the bottom of the barrel.
I am the middle child of a father that worked all the time. We were poor as children and he worked his [censored] off to keep food on the table, always nights. Yes,he did like to drink but there was never a "problem." He just never really had anything to do with us girls. I give him many props for doing what needed to be done to keep food on the table. What I realize is that maybe I was the one that needed the extra attention to keep me pushed in the right direction. I could have used a little more parental advice. I do see a pattern in my life with men, but it's hard to believe b/c my dad worked so hard that I have such issues. But it seems to be what the therapists tell me; even though it doesn't seem that bad, I needed more. When I think about it, my dad never talked(two-word, is what my friends called him) and my mom never interfered with anything. My sisters have great husbands!
ANY contact means that you are NOT in Plan B.
You have an IM, which is awesome, but do they know what they should and shouldn't pass onto you? Having a great IM is the backbone of a great PB.
Have you changed all of your contact info?
My IM is pretty good, not perfect. She's learning just like me. She hasn't passed on irrelevant information but she has in the past said he pissed her off. I think she will do fine as time goes on. There really isn't much left for us to talk about, all his stuff is gone.
He can't get to me anyway unless he comes here, which is my downfall.
Question Scotland, what is it that would ever make me know he was wiling to try? Does he just give my IM the proof he is reading or talking to Steve or what? That's where I get confused. Yes, everyoone wants me to be done but in actuality it's easier for me to stay away when I know he has the information to come home and chooses not to. I feel in limbo right now. Do I write another Plan B letter or just sit here and wait for me to KNOW it's time to file?
You've already written the letter.
Did you list what you required of him to recover? IE counseling with Harley, willingness to go NC with OW and send her an NCL, and so on?
Yes, all those things were on there. It was way back in September though, but by this point he knows that that is what it would take.
Up and down, up and down. Some points during the day I'm completely fine and then the next hour I'm thinking of reasons why I should contact him. I won't! I just keep thinking the worst will be over in 3 weeks; right at Christmas and my birthday, boo hoo me.
I was thinking today what are we supposed to do with all of our mutual friends? How do we attend anything? What if I go somewhere with "our" friends and he's there. It just seems impossible for us not to have contact at some point. I would be fine if I never ever had to see him again, but now I'm just worried about running into him at the store or going to the same function. I did see his car at Walmart the other day when I was there, I wanted to go back in so bad so he knew I was there but I didn't, I just drove away.
Feeling pretty good these past few days. Reading through Estrala's(sp?) thread right now and it's been helpful.
I've been six nights with no contact. I don't drive by, I don't look at his fb, his email or anything and I suspect that he still has the same passwords for those things b/c he never changed them before when we went through this. All he ever needs changed is his cellphone password and he of course did that right away.
I also made an appointment with a lawyer for next Friday. I don't know if I will file then but we can at least get the paper work started. I've really been leaning towards filing, as many have said I should.
I know maybe some people on here don't bother b/c I haven't been married long; hell, I haven't been married at all. His EA started before we even walked down the aisle and the PA started ONE month after we were married. So maybe I don't have in all the years everyone else does. We've been toghether a total of six years. Everything I ever wanted has been ripped away before I even got to have it. My WH was at his best before we got married. See he deployed 2010/2011 and when he came back he was such a differant, wonderful person to me. I really thought he had changed, and I mean he really acted like he had. I was number one, everything he wanted to be with and he was soooo excited to get married. I really didn't see it coming, even with all the other cheating. I never, ever had any inclination walking down that aisle that he was basically falling in love with someone else at that time. I thought I was is bride, not my stupid, ugly friend sitting in the pews.
I feel stronger posting, and I feel stronger when other people post to me. I feel really strong reading other people's threads! Reading someone's thread form the beginning takes several days, and that's only b/c I read at work too
. I guess what I'm saying is please don't forget about me. The hardest part for me is yet to come, and that's when he starts looking for me b/c the only place he can find me is here, at my house. So ignoring him banging on the door will probably be a really, really hard thing for me to do.
This is the first time in six years, and four affairs, and probably more that I've felt like I could do this(leave him) and maybe even be happier. This is my way out(plan B). I may not have gotten it perfect the first couple of times but I'm still trying to do better, be better.
I believe my WH can change, b/c I think that of anyone. I know how high my expectations would have to be and I also catch glimpses of myself not wanting to deal with his bs any longer. He would have to do everything on his list before I would even talk to him face to face. EVERYTHING!!
So basically I'm going to file and he has somewhere around three months to take it seriously and decide how he wants the rest of his life to go or I'm out! Out sounds good right now anyway.
Jedi - I will run this marriage right out of me, hopefully. My goal is to work out everyday until Christmas. 1 day off though per week. My best friend is coming home and I want her to see I'm healthy and strong. It's also my birthday on Christmas day so I'm a little worried about it. My friends have already made plans for me so I'm sure I'll be okay.
Thanks everyone!
It's good to hear you're staying dark. You will heal if you stay away from his drama.
Do you know when he might come by and could you leave so you don't have a break in Plan B?
Come here and post when you're down or having a tough time.
My first plan B was really dark too even if it was for only a week and a half. I got on a plane and flew to SC. That should be the criteria of the first week in PB, a weeks vacation
I got to lay around all day, watch netflix, then I'd get up and go run, and then take a bath in a huge tub and get ready for my best friend to come home for us to go out to eat. I had no access to a computer while I was there so I had nothing, which was helpful to stay dark, no facebook! It was great!!! I even had my SIL change the eblaster password so only she could look at it. I said all I ever want to know is when my WH starts cheating on Elvis. I just wanted to know so that I could send her a nasty text saying "your it." I don't know, maybe I wouldn't have but it made me feel powerful knowing I could!
Well, he's never stayed away longer than a week. He goes into withdrawal and wants me back, right now. So I'm not sure what to do? I don't want to uproot my child to stay somewhere else, not that we couldn't stay at a hotel but I have no idea what night(s) he'll decide he misses me. Maybe he won't this time. I just have to be strong enough to not answer the door or drive away if his car is here.
I've really been thinking about doing another plan B letter and giving it to him with the divorce papers. The last PB letter was in September. Some things have changed since then. I need him to know I'm filing b/c I don't have faith in him anymore but still leave the window open that if wants he could do XYZ to get us started in the right direction. Mostly b/c if he knows I'm still on that path(MB)he might back down from coming over. He needs to know I'm whole heartedly going the MB way, and it's up to him if he wants to come with. I shouldn't say with; he will have to MB on his own before I talk to him face to face.
I have to make the promise to myself!! NO FACE TO FACE TILL THE MB WAY
So I'm reading through Estrela's thread and I came across her looking at his mail. That is exactly what I did today! I opened a bill of his b/c I knew he hadn't paid it or they wouldn't be sending him a statement. It was for an old car 10 years ago or so that he ended up getting repossessed and they eventually came after him. I helped(of course) get it taken care of and start making payments at a lower interest rate. Now both times he's been gone from the house he has forgotten to make his payment which boosts his interest to double!! But I did realize today when I opened it that I shouldn't have. It's not my business anymore! I won't do it again and I'll be telling my IM to have him change addresses immediately.
I also realized some of his stuff is still in my garage. I will be getting a storage unit for a month for his stuff as suggested for him to pick up.
This is just a guess.
But I'm willing to guess that you are a good looking, smart attractive young woman attracted to trash.
When I read about the car, it reminds me that sometimes women will try to "fix" men into a good man.
They forgoe relationships with responsible men and pick irresponsible ones.
Here is a statement from Dr Harley, let me know what you think
"Just speculating, but people often choose mates that fit their self-concept. �In other words, a person who doesn�t think much of themselves (usually with evidence to support their conclusion), pick someone who is similarly unprepared for making a contribution in life. �When they marry someone who is capable, they feel very uncomfortable around that person, in spite of the care that they provide. �Your wife may have chosen a man who is similarly unprepared for life because she feels comfortable around him. �I recall counseling a woman who was married to a very famous surgeon. �She had an affair with a man who gave blood for a living, and moved into his 17-foot trailer. �He was someone who she could relate to, unlike her very successful husband. �In spite of his willingness to make changes in his career to accommodate her needs, she never felt comfortable around him."
This is just a guess.
But I'm willing to guess that you are a good looking, smart attractive young woman attracted to trash.
When I read about the car, it reminds me that sometimes women will try to "fix" men into a good man.
They forgoe relationships with responsible men and pick irresponsible ones.
My WH as a young man yes was unresponsible, and I did/have help him make strides in taking care of past debt. I am not attracted to trash....I would never date or marry a man that couldn't hold a job. I would never financially take care of someone who couldn't take care of themselves.
Sunday's are hard days, they can be lonely. I should always make plans to do something on Sundays. Feeling low, not just b/c of WH just drama at work as well.
My soon to be SIL and my BIL are getting married. I told her I would help her with the wedding since her mom is not much help. Trying to decide what I can and can't do considering the situation. I guess just help her as long as WH is not around. The wedding isn't for 2 years so it's not something that I have to worry about right now in the aspect of going to the wedding but we are going to start making plans. We are best friends b/c we both have been in the family almost the exact same amount of times so we forged a strong friendship.
He goes into withdrawal and wants me back, right now. So I'm not sure what to do? I don't want to uproot my child to stay somewhere else, not that we couldn't stay at a hotel but I have no idea what night(s) he'll decide he misses me. Maybe he won't this time.
So that your child doesn't grow up thinking that a marriage to trash is acceptable, I'd continue with radio silence right through your divorce. He isn't marriage, husband or father material--I wouldn't waste any more time with him.
I am not attracted to trash....I would never date or marry a man that couldn't hold a job. I would never financially take care of someone who couldn't take care of themselves.
I'm sure Jedi didn't mean that you were actively seeking out those that sat on their asses waiting for their next handout! Rather, your current husband seems to be seriously lacking in some pretty basic moral standards--regardless of how many dollars he has in the bank.
Your "normal" isn't normal and I'm glad to see that you're getting away from this mess.
