Hi. I've been married to my DH for just over 17 years and we have three kids (none together; I have one and he has two...two are adults and the last one will be a senior in HS this year, lives with his mom). So there are no kids left living in our home, just the two of us.

About 10 months ago my father died suddenly after a major heart attack. He had been sick prior to then but I was not aware of it as we were estranged and had been for 1.5 years prior to him dying. In the past year there have been many changes and most of them not good, there has been a lot of stress and I've had a LOT of issues dealing with my grief and guilt regarding my dad's death. I have been diagnosed with clinical depression, go to individual counseling, and I've been on anti-depressants for years now.

Very recently I discovered my DH has been texting a co-worker of his; he's 52 and she's 23. It seems he has a "crush" on her and not sure if it's gone further than that. I began looking at his cell phone bill after becoming suspicious of some of his habits changing. A couple days back I installed the eblaster software on his PC as he spends a lot of time on the internet. So far I've found he's been googling her name and looking at what he can see of her profiles on sites such as Facebook (to my knowledge, he does not have a FB profile himself) and Pinterest, Spokeo.....basically anything he can find her on. It appears she's in a relationship/possibly engaged with/to a guy much nearer her own age, from what he's told me and from what I could see of her FB profile and her boyfriend's.

Last weekend I discovered she showed up at a auto related event my husband was participating in but after my daughter (21yo) and I had left the event. I had to take my daughter back to where she was living as she had not driven her car down to visit us that weekend. DH states both the co-worker and her boyfriend showed up at the event, not just her. I have no way of knowing if this is true. She and my DH texted throughout the day and into the evening, maybe around 15-20 texts. She also tried to text him this past Friday and but he didn't respond back to her via text or calling.

DH and I work only about 10 minutes apart from one another and had almost always spent lunch breaks together, until lately when he began make vague excuses as to why he couldn't show up any longer or nearly as often. I decided last week to catch up with him at work and when I got there, I saw him getting out of his brand new car with her.....was well across a large parking lot and I couldn't get to where they were walking quickly enough. He is aware that I know this took place, along with all the texting.

He is completely unaware I am monitoring his internet activity and he thinks by clearing his search history that it will take care of me knowing anything. He is not very computer savvy, while I am and he is well aware of that. He also clears all texts, calls, etc from his phone even though that's not where I learned he was texting this person. Looking at the eblaster report it does not show any communication between the two of them via the internet, such as email or anything else. What it does show is he looks up a fair amount of porn and trying to find info on the 23yo coworker by searching her name on as much as possible.

I've been through a lot in the past year and admittedly, I haven't coped with it very well. I've been depressed and irritable. There have also been other major changes that have been more difficult for me than him, for the most part. My kids leaving the nest has been particularly tough for me....my DD just moved a few states away about three days ago. She's my bio kid and we are very close. DH is also not a big talker and never expresses unhappiness without me pushing him into talking. He's like this with everyone, not just me. Instead of communicating he goes about his business, like with this co-worker.

I have the means to contact his co-worker but I'm not sure what to say or even if I should contact her at all. Additionally, there's the weird aspect of their boss who is currently in an active affair with who used to be the head of their gov't agency (we both work for the gov't, separate agencies); their boss is unmarried and the head of the agency is now getting a divorce after 40+ years of marriage to be with my DH's boss. I can only assume their boss would be non-committal or perhaps even supportive of whatever it is they're doing since she's in an active affair herself. DH has worked for the same employer for about 20 years and we definitely need his income as he makes more than I do.

I have no proof my DH has moved into a PA with his co-worker but he definitely seems interested in her. I see no reason for the texting, internet searches, the event she showed up to if one or both of them isn't interested.

Don't know if this means anything but my DH has very few friends and his closest male friend is inappropriate and does not like me whatsoever. This friend cheated on his first wife extensively and although is in a relationship with someone else now, it's apparent he would prefer it if my DH left me. DH seems to hero worship this guy and would not terminate the friendship. My DH seems to gravitate towards friendships with women for the most part. Some of them are completely platonic and others have been suspect. DH requires an inordinate amount of attention, ego boosting and lacks in self-confidence.

Although I am working towards sorting out my problems of late (depression, grief, etc) DH seems to take no responsibility in our current problems and I'm doubtful he will, at least based on past history. I love him dearly but I'm not superwoman......can't do it all.

Finally, DH still seems interested in spending time with me other than him going MIA during our normal lunches and insisting upon working a bit later than he ever has in the past (this would match the co-worker's schedule). Otherwise he is attentive and caring. However, I am beginning to wonder if that's only an act.

I am tempted to call his boss but figure either nothing will come of it or I'll end up causing trouble for myself. In all honesty, I'm not sure what to do next.

If you made it this far, thanks!

Can you get the content of the texts? On the operation investigate forum, there is information about how to snoop/spy on all kinds of phones.

You will likely be better off on the Surviving an Affair forum (click notify at the bottom of your post and ask moderators to move your post there), as your husband's behavior indicates at the very least an emotional affair, which given their lunches, has perhaps gone physical.

Just looking at the timeline of the youngest child and the length of your marriage, I have to ask: did your relationship begin as an affair?

Thanks for your reply. No, we did not have an affair ourselves but we did meet while we were both in the middle of divorcing our first spouses.....which is sort of close enough since neither of us were likely ready to be in another relationship. My SS is almost 18 (we've been married just 17 years) and and I first met his youngest while he was an infant. DH and his first wife split up very early on in her pregnancy. She and I have spent a lot of time together and we get along well....we've talked quite a bit over the years. Their versions match pretty well.

DH does not have a SmartPhone (he has a Samsung Gravity 3) and it doesn't have a cord to connect to a PC or a Mac (I have a Mac, he has a PC). I haven't investigated it enough to know if it would even come with a cord to connect to a computer. So I've mainly focused on setting up to snoop on his PC and the phone was next on my agenda. Therefore I do not yet know the content of the texts. He does clear everything from his phone and says it's due to my insecurities and "something he's always done" - not true.

Should make mention, I've read a few articles already and I would say my husband lies to avoid trouble, if I had to pick one of the lying types listed. Getting the truth on things related to women or his inappropriate male friend is like pulling teeth and still not succeeding.

I haven't yet found anything on Operation Investigate but have a question. Any way to get T-Mobile to provide the actual texts to me (account is in my name but this may not matter, I think, due to privacy laws). Seems like some cell providers will not release that information whatsoever, not even to the account holder.

So I checked the eblaster playback on my husband's laptop this afternoon....he sure thinks he's pretty savvy by clearing his search history. Yesterday he was sitting at one end of our dining room table pouring his heart out about how much he wants our marriage to stay intact. Around the same time he's signing up for a secret email address and two separate online dating sites. He has no clue about the eblaster but I just don't get it.....how they can sit there and lie right to your face and it sure seems like there is NO remorse. Today he comes home from work with a big smile on his face wanting a hug and a kiss.....like nothing is going on. Do they just have no conscience? Or is this just part of being in the fog?

Win, good job, keeping your mouth shut while collecting your info on his activities! Keep going. And do a great Plan A at the same time.

This stuck out at me. As a guy, there would be very few things less palatable to me than maintaining a friendship with a known and unrepentent philanderer. I certainly wouldn't want them anywhere near my wife or any women I know. I suspect your DH has a history of inappropriate behaviour and you might have uncovered just one of perhaps many examples of such behaviour.

In any case, exposure is your best bet here to stop that A (and yes, it's an A and it's likely very close to getting physical, if it is not already). As she's only 23, the parents of that OW would likely make the best targets for exposure.

Here's a good read.
Wayward fog decoded and disassembled

I've thought and wondered along the same lines, the part you mentioned about DH's philandering friend. DH claims that his friend is no longer a problem person because he (the friend) is engaged and due to be married this October. The friend cheated on his first wife so what's to stop him from cheating on this one? What I think anyway. I realize people can change but that doesn't seem like the type of behavior that changes just because there's someone new in the role of soon-to-be-wife, even if he does seem to be quite enamored with her. He was likely quite enamored with his first wife at one time.

The 23yo OW.....she lives with her boyfriend about 50 miles away from where she grew up. Wouldn't it be better to expose to the live-in boyfriend? I think they may also be engaged.

Have you read these?
Exposure 101
Carrot and Stick of Plan A

Yes expose to boyfriend when you expose.

They do make SIM card readers that allow you to read stored data. Here's one...

http://www.brickhousesecurity.com/product/cell+phone+spy+sim+card+reader.do

They do include the following caveat:

Please make sure your cell phone has a SIM card before you purchase this product by reviewing your phone's documentation. In addition, some phones do not have the ability to save certain data to a SIM card. If you are not sure, contact your cell phone provider first.

I'm not sure if the phone in question would apply here, but it'd be worth looking into. Alternately, his phone could have an accident, requiring you to replace it with a more cooperative phone preloaded with your favorite software.

This sounds like a good idea and indeed his phone does have a SIM card. Will have to get on that shortly.

LOL@ his phone could have an accident, I needed the chuckle.

WIN17,

You need to keep this thread going, rather than focusing on the technicalities of spying, which you are doing on your other threads.

There is little point focusing on spying while he works with the OW that he is infatuated with, or indeed, might be having an affair with, if you are not also dealing with the issue that he still works with her.

It is not clear from this thread whether your H has confessed any of this infatuation, or whether you have discussed it with him at all.

What were the reasons for your divorces? Why did he separate from his wife while she was pregnant? That he did that, and met you while still married to her (and the same for you and your first H) does not show a pattern of behaviour that is a good sign for marriage.

We met while we were separated from each of our spouses and yes, their divorce was final not long after their second child was born. My first husband is an alcoholic and this was the main reason for our divorce. Current DH had been unhappy in his first marriage for a considerable amount of time. It's a whole myriad of reasons for the unhappiness on their part. Him getting out of the military, not agreeing on having a second child, where they were living at the time, etc.

Currently, DH has not confessed to anything; affair, infatuation, or otherwise. Which is why I've been focused on the spying to see what I'm dealing with. I'm not sure which approach I should be taking as far as dealing with my marriage if I'm not sure what he's actually doing. It would appear it is an infatuation on his part but I don't know 100%. I've not seen anything where they have actually communicated online.

I've told my DH he needs to find another job and so far he has not complied with this. I'm getting to the point where I don't want to deal with any of this any longer. I'm not a "spring chicken" and I cannot compete with a woman who is in her early 20's, not in terms of youthfulness and physical attractiveness. I'm attractive and in good shape for someone my age but I'm also more than 20 years older than his co-worker.

Last night, after fulfilling one of his top EN's (SF) and while I'm sleeping, he's on the internet looking up modeling type pictures of his co-worker posted on the photographer's website. Talk about frustrating.

If it's an infatuation, so far, I wouldn't even know what to do about ending it. Seems like it would be easier to just walk. Especially since there aren't many jobs to be had around here, even if he was making more of an effort to find one.....which he isn't.

So what has all your snooping showed you?

It has shown me my husband is at a minimum infatuated with his coworker. I have no proof of anything else.

About an hour ago he told me he still refuses to quit his job as it would create too much stress for him with other priorities he has going on. I would say then that puts me at the bottom of the list, if not off it altogether.

So you are sure they aren't communicating?

He's just looking at her pictures? Have you caught him looking or that's just from your Intel?

They communicate everyday at work.

They had been texting each other quite frequently but do not do so any longer. He does not have a Smart Phone so I do not think there is anything on his phone enabling him to text her on the sly type of thing. I looked for a secret phone and so far have never found anything.

He spent time with her at a weekend event that I had been at; she arrived after I left although she had been trying to text him all of that day. He began returning her texts right after I left, according to the phone records. he says she showed up with her boyfriend (have no idea if this is true) and the reason he didn't tell me any of this before or after the fact was that he "didn't even know whether or not she was going to show up."

He also went out to lunch during the week after that event and lied about it to me.....said he was going to work through his lunch break. He told me later she also wanted a ride in his new car and he gave her one. He didn't tell me any of this because, he says, I would just get mad at him.....so it was easier to omit the truth/lie.

Eblaster reports show me he's tried finding her on various websites, basically spent a lot of time googling her name and trying to view information about her on websites such as Facebook, Pinterest, MyLife, etc. He also created a separate email address to sign up for his own MyLife account. Last night after I'd gone to sleep was when he looked up the pictures on the photographer's website. He's also been looking up a considerable amount of free porn.

Currently he keeps repeating himself about two things. One, that I'm overreacting about what he's "NOT doing" and two, the reason I'm overreacting is because I don't trust him and because I am "messed up" over my dad's death almost a year ago. I am currently in IC to deal with my dad's death and my grief.....DH claims if I would "just deal with that" that I would see how ridiculous I'm being about his coworker. That it's ok for him be curious about her and spend time looking her up on the internet because, after all, everyone is curious about who they work with. Thing is, he's not looking up any of his other coworkers.

A very good friend of his (male) is also one to encourage my DH to do whatever necessary to unload me.....the guy hates me because, at one time, he had no wingman to hang out with. This friend cheated on his first wife extensively and is supposed to remarry this fall.

Basically, DH tells me if I wasn't "crazy" then his friendship with the coworker he refuses to introduce me to, etc.....then all would be well. All well for him, I'm assuming.

I don't know what he's done with her in terms of getting physical, if anything. Not in denial but I just have no proof. He adamantly refuses to look for another job and his work hours have become longer as of late....the last few weeks. This correlates with when this coworker showed up at the weekend event and then going out to lunch shortly thereafter in the next work week.

His boss is also in the middle of an affair herself, with the equivalent of a company president (we both work for the same branch of government but different agencies). Her affair caught so much attention that she and her AP were even contacted by well-known television station that want to do a movie on the situation. Her AP went back into retirement after they were exposed and she continues to work there but may soon be terminated for using government resources to conduct their affair. There have been two investigations into her conduct; one at the employer level and the current one is taking place from a higher level of gov't which has deemed the first investigation as incomplete and botched, basically.

The reason for mentioning his boss's affair is because she spoke of it often to her employees and I believe she created an environment that says that type of thing is ok. She is now living with her AP while he divorces his wife of 40+ years. Apparently they plan to get married while the ink is drying on his divorce papers; as in, as soon as he's legally able to marry her. She's been married/divorced five other times.

DH tells me the solution for this is to "I guess if I have to I'll just make sure I never look at her or talk to her again. I'll do that if I absolutely HAVE to." He's a man in his 50's and right now he sounds like an entitled 5yo kid. He's also very much trying to convince me this is all my fault and I'm trying to take his 23yo coworker/friend away from him.

Right now I feel like sludge and unable to move, make a decent decision, etc. I am normally not like this and it feels terrible. I hate this.

I can't help but notice his youngest is going to be a senior in high school (so 17-18) and you've been married 17 years. Aside from his 'myriad of reasons', have you ever asked his ex-wife if your affair with him was the actual reason for his divorce? The timeline would suggest so. Yes, I know you think the marriage was over - but was it?

So, it appears history repeats itself now. Have you read about "Plan A"?

Put a VAR in his car.

How are you doing with your Carrot and Stick of Plan A ?

Yes, we met while we were both separated and I know for a fact he was separated and living on his own. They had separated shortly before she knew she was pregnant with their now 17yo son - both of them have said the same thing. When I met him I was a couple months into my own divorce and he was about 7 months into his......the divorce was not finalized until after she gave birth, which was completely logical due to insurance reasons, etc.

Did we begin dating too soon? Yes, without a doubt.....neither of us had a real chance to recover from the respective divorces, etc. if that's still considered an affair, even though she was aware of my existence and I met her (I met her at her request), well then ok.....but not much I can do about that now. I had left my now ex husband and would not have returned under any circumstances. Neither my DH nor his ex seemed interested whatsoever in reuniting.....per both of them they had been having trouble for years and it was only a matter of time. Unless they are both plotting against me in reinventing history, their stories about what happened add up.

When we met, my now husband had been living on his own for months, voluntarily paying his now ex alimony along with the child support. He voluntarily paid her the alimony (I've seen the divorce papers and they've both said it was voluntary, so I know this for a fact) until she was able to finish the remaining classes to finish her bachelor's degree and land a job. He could have attempted to leave her high and dry financially, aside from the child support, but was on board with making it as amicable as possible. He and his ex handled their divorce substantially better than my ex and I did, by a long shot.

DH's ex and I get along well and I know the reasons for their divorce and have talked to them both about it. The 'myriad of reasons' is just too much crap to list that no longer matters.

History isn't repeating itself in exactly the way it sounds like you mean (no rudeness intended) and yes, I've been plan A'ing him for a couple of weeks and am now depressed, worn down and tired and about ready to throw in the towel and leave him. For me it's not so much he's infatuated or possibly having an EA or PA with his coworker. It's all the day to day lies and betrayal surrounding this.....I feel like I'm running on empty. I love the man and wouldn't want to lose my stepchildren but I'm about out of gas on this. Especially when it feels like I'm doing all the work. Add this to dealing with grief over my dad's sudden and unexpected death, recently wrapping up his very complicated estate, my daughter and older stepson both having moved away fairly recently - one of them across the country - I'm dealing with a lot of loss and now I might lose my marriage too. Dealing with this is just about too much.

I understand the questions about my SS2 and the timeline of my marriage and while it was too soon to date and begin a relationship, it really is not exactly as it appears in text.

For clarification, dating while separated is adultery.

So your marriage started as an adulterous affair.
Let's get that straight.

Do you see the problem at the beginning? A poor respect for marriage in general. He was dating you while married.

Now he's dating another woman while married to you.
Those are the simple facts.

I encourage you to separate from him. Go into Plan B and Do not date while separated.

We were both separated while dating, not just him. I understand about Plan A and B and haven't the slightest interest in dating anyone, but thanks for your reply.

So, there was a legal separation agreement in place for both of you?

Was he living in a hotel? Or had he purchased a new home for himself?

Do you realize that there was a chance for both of your marriages until you started a relationship with each other?

Legal separation for both, yes. Living in a rented house not a hotel. I was not interested in reconciling with my alcoholic ex-husband under any circumstances. DH and his ex were not interested in reconciling either. At any rate, these situations were a long time ago and I'm interested in my current marriage, not my previous as it no longer matters. Thanks.

How about a PI to get the goods?

You've been in Plan A with all carrot, for a few weeks now. A PI can get you the goods so you can expose.

Do the exposure.
Post your letter here first for review

I've got a list of PIs in my area I plan to contact next week. I'll be making the calls from work as to avoid my DH possibly overhearing, etc. I don't know if I'll be able to afford it but I guess I'll figure that out next week.

I do plan to expose if I am able to come up with concrete proof he is having an affair rather than just deluding himself with an apparent infatuation.

I have a VAR to put in his car and will be contacting PIs next week.

Get the SIM card downloader thing that allows you to read old text messages.

I think you're seeing the tip of the iceberg here. The VAR will probably give you what you need.

Good job on the VAR. So remember keep Plan A until you get the goods.

How is your Plan A going? No LBs?

Are you sleeping, eating and exercising?

There are nights I don't sleep well but that's been a chronic problem for me for years. Overall it's been ok. Exercise and eating has been normal for me.

I definitely have LB'd a couple of times so Plan A isn't going terrifically as of late. It was better the first week and a half. I'm emotionally worn down from this and am going to have to stop at some point soon. I don't want to end up sick. My dad passed away almost a year ago and I haven't been doing well physically since then. It seems since that time I've managed to pick up every bug and virus around. Don't know if it just a coincidence or what but all the same I don't want to get overly stressed out either.

Well, for the past month or so I've been aware that something has been going on with my WH and his 23yo coworker (he's 52yo) and I now have proof (via VAR I put in his car). I just listened to what it recorded this past week and WH has no idea that I know. I feel like someone punched me in the gut. This whole time I've been plan A'ing like a fiend with LB's only occurring nearer the beginning of Plan A. WH and his AP do not know I know anything....it's 2am where I am, can't sleep, I only listened to their vile recorded conversations about an hour ago.

I know how to contact her fiance' whom she lives with, at least via Facebook. I followed the Facebook info provided by Marriage Builders but despite all my effort, I've been unable to see any of their FB friends. I can see very limited versions of the AP's profile and the same for her fiance'.

I have no problem whatsoever with the actual process of letting the cat out of the bag and exposing WH and his AP. However, I am trying to find another place to live and with my three dogs it's pretty much means buying another, less expensive house I can afford on my own. I absolutely cannot afford to stay in my current home on my own salary but I sure as h*ll don't want to stay here much longer either.

WH has been looking up apartment rentals in our area on Craigslist (learned this yesterday evening via the keylogger installed on his laptop) and I'm afraid he will jump ship before I'm ready to financially. The AP makes less than 25K a year (we all basically work for the same employer so this is why I know how much she makes, our salaries are all public knowledge) and her fiance' makes over 100K a year. If her fiance' kicks her to the curb and she needs a place to go, I'm afraid she'll try pressuring WH about money and he'll leave here based on that. I need my financial picture to stay in place until I can get out of here and unfortunately buying a house takes some time. I do have a RE agent and I let him know there are a couple more houses I'd like to look at ASAP.

Additionally, I know I should probably leave and go into Plan B as soon as possible but I really have nowhere to go. My only good friend in this area is getting married tomorrow and going on their honeymoon for a week.....groom's mom is housesitting while they're away. I have family who are sort of in the area but not close enough to where I work to make it feasible.

Also, if it comes down to it, I have divorce papers almost ready to go. WH refuses to look for another job and refuses to end all contact with his AP. He has not even admitted he's having an affair in the first place.

Any ideas on what I should do immediately? I know exposure needs to take place and believe me, it's taking all I have to keep my mouth shut at the moment. Yet I also need to get a new roof over my head. FYI, I have almost complete control over our joint funds and also have my own account (of which he has no access to). His debit card to our joint account is in my wallet because he's never wanted it.....he's terrible with money and knows it, he has always been paranoid about it. However, his parents would front him money at any time or place, even if they knew he was having an affair.....I'm sure of that.

The parents should be exposed to when the time comes--you never know how parents will react. Some are supportive of the cheater. Some are horrified. It's 50/50.

Most people here don't advise the betrayed spouse moving out, but if you're determined to do so, here's what I think you need to do.

I would say take a little bit extra out of the joint account, a bit at a time (you're entitled to half of it anyway), and save yourself a little escape fund if you feel you need to get out right away. That could help with any funds you may need for damage deposits or pet deposits. You'll probably need it with the pets, because most places don't allow them.

I have the money to move out today if necessary (pet deposits and all), and I control all of our money as we have things right now. My paycheck goes to an account where I am the only signer; DH has no access to my funds. I want to buy another house, one I can afford, but I don't think I can stay here much longer.....don't think I can take it, honestly. I am willing to leave our home because there's no way I can afford our current home on my own salary. I also don't want to stay here anyway, it would only remind me of WH.

As mentioned already, I would like to buy another home but I don't think I want to wait it out here. I've already emailed the landlord of a house I saw online listed for rent, hoping the house is still available.

His parents would support him no matter what, that I'm sure of.

Even though I pretty much knew about what was going on (now I just know for sure), why does it feel like I was punched in the gut?

So your plan is to expose and then move out?

Why not expose now?

I have exposed to some this morning, not done yet.

I feel like I've been beat up.....

Are you following this?
Exposure 101

Who is on your exposure list? Whom on OW's side?

We understand how you feel and I'm sorry for your pain. Follow a plan will help.

There aren't many on OW's side (that I know of) except for her fiance and I haven't clicked send on the message to him yet. I'm also unable to see any of her FB friends, or her fiance's for that matter. My mom knows and some of my relatives and a few of his.

WH and his AP both have the same boss and she, the boss, is in the middle of an affair herself. Will it do any good to expose to her? His mom would support him no matter what he did and his dad just goes with whatever mom says. Dad recently had a heart attack and mom recently had a stroke. With my luck lately my information would push one or both of them over the edge.

His older sister recently split up with her husband of 27 years due to his gambling addiction and the likelihood he is also having an affair, the signs are all there. Looking back WH has always been able to manipulate them into seeing things "his way." I feel like exposing to the sister won't do me any good, they always seem to take his side in things. However, I do feel more comfortable exposing to her than their parents, due to their health problems.

Yes, I've read the Exposure 101 document.

I'm sorry you are going through this, 17. But you need to expose this to as many people as possible, whether you think they will help por not. You never know who will be your best ally.
Exposure needs to be done in as short as time as possible to hut as many targets as once and prevent the waywards from spinning their own story.

~RQ

Ps exposure includes employers and co workers so absolutely to the boss! They cannot continue to work together

Tell his family regardless of what you think they'll say.

You never know how people will respond and don't want to leave any stone unturned.

[/quote]

Tell his family regardless of what you think they'll say.

You never know how people will respond and don't want to leave any stone unturned. [/quote]

I'm done with exposing and have had no reply from anyone I exposed to (my relatives already knew anyway); their boss, the OW's fiance', our relatives, etc. Is no response common? I have read on other websites that when the BS (betrayed boyfriend/significant other, in this case) is a guy, they often don't respond to exposure or they respond in a hostile manner. Is this truly common or just B.S.? I exposed to him via Facebook this past Saturday. Maybe it hasn't been enough time either.

I'm almost wondering (worried) if the OW may have intercepted the FB message I sent to him. I'm thinking maybe I should find an email address for him instead. Or some other alternative way of contacting him.

Another issue. In talking to my WH about this, his claim is he thrives off positive attention of any kind. He is incredibly naive when it comes to certain people who are able to "work him," male friends included. I definitely agree with what he said about the attention thing. I also know he was verbally abused by his dad while growing up and has self-esteem issues (who doesn't, right?). That said, someone who seems to "need" (want) that much attention, how likely are they to benefit enough from help to remain monogamous in the future? It seems almost narcissistic or like an addiction and if not either of those, certainly incredibly dysfunctional.

I agree with what I've read on the MB site about people having poor boundaries around those of the opposite sex leading to cheating, regardless of other issues they may have (like the ones I outlined above; verbal abuse, etc). While I don't think he is a "special case" or any different from other waywards, he does seem to require an inordinate amount of attention from others. If in the future he does have better boundaries, won't he still have the issue with wanting
attention? I don't know how that all fits together.

Or is the attention thing just a bunch of bullcrap to avoid saying he just wants to screw around?

Anyone have any ideas on the exposure info I posted above, or the other things I mentioned? Having a rough time here.....WH continues to email with the OW, per the eblaster report.

Hi Whatisnext17. I am sorry that you are having to endure this treatment. You deserve so much better. Keep looking for contacts. Try sites like Spokeo and Peoplefinder. Melody Lane has posted some to others recently. I will try to find them for you. Cross reference everything having to do with her name, her fiance's name. Expose to everyone, even her fiance's family. Do you feel comfortable calling her fiance if you suspect that she intercepted your previous attempt? I don't know if you can hear it enough how you don't deserve this, and you deserve better than this. Please remember, he is making these choices, they are not yours. These choices are also never the way to fix the problems in your own marriage, so don't let him blame you for his choices. I hope you set your boundaries very high and don't move them!!! Don't let him know how you found out. Also, don't tell him about this site. You are gonna need the pros here to give you that guidance you are gonna need when you can't think straight.

I thought of another thing. It was hard for me to imagine that issues my husband has from his upbringing do not matter right now. Dr. Harley does not feel that is a factor that needs to be given much weight when the choices he is making are destroying his marriage and his wife. Over time, I have come to realize that this is very true. Your H has to make the right decisions for you and your marriage regardless of his personal issues and insecurities. He has to face those issues and fix them, sure. But, he has to be faithful and respectful to you no matter what else he has to do. So, please try to back up from that and look at it as you would probably advise a friend, "Your husband still has to do the right thing by you and your marriage."

Finding those posts where melodylane posted different finder sites is proving very difficult as she has a billion posts!! Maybe BrainHurts can help....sure seems to be good at finding links and supposedly never sleeps, so can you help BrainHurts?

Yeah, I'd keep trying on that. You need to talk to this guy on the phone.

Call the other people as well, saying that you're following up with your message from last week and wanted to know if they had any questions. That way, you'll know and won't be left wondering if they got the message or not.

Coworkers and your/his children should be told as well.

Have you tried these?
Trying to Figure out Identity

I had my doubts beforehand but exposure works, just like everyone has been saying. The OW's BS (fiance') now knows what is going on and we are filling in the blanks for one another. He is in shock and seems devastated, understandably has a ton of questions....I feel badly for him.

Also, right now I'm not sure of what they are exactly but it seems many changes are going on at my WH's workplace since I notified his boss. I'll learn more as time goes on.

This site is great, thank you!

Do the children and his family know? You don't want to lose momentum, so make sure you tell every damn person that you can think of.

Great job What, keep it going!

~RQ

So WH lost his temper this evening and blew up at me for the exposure (I exposed to as many people as possible). He was yelling, swearing, pointing his finger at me - very ugly behavior of which I did not react to. He claims he's made a mess of things and that I'll never trust him again, that he's just sure of it and my lack of trust in him is what is ending our marriage, not his cheating. As far as his cheating is concerned, he apologized and now I should trust him again and not monitor anything he does because it makes him feel as though he's in prison, that it's not fair (well, he needs to call the "WAHmbulance" in that case because I don't care).

I showed up at his office today and he didn't like it, said he felt like he had a parole officer. He said if I ever showed up at his work again he would not come downstairs.....it was all I could do to not laugh, it was like dealing with an angry toddler. He also mentioned that I have to earn his trust back and he's not going to make it easy for me.....he explained it like this, "I know you don't trust me even though I've apologized for cheating with a coworker 30 years younger than me. You accepted my apology and now you have to trust me, you can't monitor what I do any longer. Because you have not chosen to trust me, I can't trust you and you have to earn my trust back."

At this point I knew I was in 'Crazy Town' and couldn't find the exit. It was alarming how angry he was and for the first time ever, I actually felt afraid of him. He hasn't done anything since but he's clearly not in a good way.

Because his AP is a coworker I told him he had to find a new job and he, in fact, did. That's right....he found a different job with the same employer about 20 feet away from his AP, instead of the six feet or so he is now. His explanation for that was that I told him to find a "different job" not a "different employer" and he can't be held accountable for me giving him "bad information."

He's also taken it upon himself to go to individual counseling and not at my request, he did this himself. I suspect his intent with this is outlandish enough to say he's looking for someone to validate his position in this, he is messed up enough to try anything at this point. At any rate, as predicted on the MB boards, the therapist gave him some psychobabble about his relationship with his dad, his childhood, etc. A bunch of B.S. that solves nothing.

I've been Plan A'ing for several weeks now and he only seems to be getting weirder by the day. I cannot afford our home with my own income and would not want to stay here even if I could, the place just reminds me of him. I have made an offer on a house more in my price range but I won't know until Thursday if it's been accepted or not. In the meantime I've been looking for a month to month apartment rental to get our dogs and me out of this disaster. I know it's not recommended to leave the home but this place is turning into a one-man mental ward and not sure how much longer I can take it.

Any ideas, thoughts?

I think that only you know what you are able to put up with. If you are burned out and just want out of this, then I think the apartment and Plan B are great ideas. And, no, no one would blame you given the mental ward analogy.

All children know about the affair, right?

I agree with Northwood. Plan a as long as you can or go to plan b. That is up to you.

The good thing is that you recognize hid fogbabble for what it is and know not to get sucked in. Good for you!

I had to move me and my kids out of the marital home to get away from my WH. It wasn't easy but it wad the best thing I did for me and my kids. And I, like you, couldn't stay at that house. It stopped being a home for us thanks to him.

Your husband refuses to end the affair.
Legal separation or divorce would be the natural consequence for his behavior.

You are doing great!

It sounds like exposure has hit its intended target. That is why he is spewing venom. His little fantasy is crashing down around him. The way he is reacting is so predictable.

I think you are doing a fantastic job. You are being loving but at the same time not taking any crap! Please do not leave your home quite yet. You are making a lot of progress and now is not the time to back down.

However, only you know how much you can take. Either way..stay or go..it is going to be hard. You have a much better chance at survival if you do not separate right now.

Yes, his reaction means a direct hit. His is a typical reaction

As has been said numerous times on this board....


Your M can survive your H's anger..Your M cannot survive with a 3rd person in it.

WhatisNext. Seeing the humor in the stupid illogical things my WH said is about the only thing that kept me sane.



I remember in a heated talk when I asked my WH "Who are you?" His blue eyes turned jet black...jet black. Then suddenly his eyes turned back to blue and he said in the nicest voice "It's me." I was struck with sheer terror. I saw pure evil in those black eyes and I started to seriously wonder if I had married a psycho killer. It is true that waywards have been taken over by an alien...an evil alien.






After I found my WH secret e-mail account with continued contact with OW, my WH claimed that he did not lie to me because I had asked him if he had "called" OW...I didn't say anything about e-mailing. Therefore WH did not lie to me.
I had to laugh or I would have ended up injuring him.


He is also buying time to continue to do nothing.



WhatisNext17. My FWH was still deep in the affair when he was acting like your WH is acting now.

My FWH did not change until he saw and believed that I was serious about not living like this anymore. I gave him a paper with my conditions to remain in the marriage. My conditions were spelled out clearly so that he could not twist things around anymore. I told him if he could live by these conditions then he needed to pack his bags and leave. He started to change when he realized that I was serious.

If you decide to go into Plan B, do it right. Take the time to do every step the recommended way. That is your best chance.

((hugs))

Edit time expired. ETA: the most important word in the sentence.

Fogbabble hall of fame right there!