New Here... Any Advice Appreciated - 10/23/12 06:44 PM
I have been lurking here for several months and have listened to much of the advice I�ve read here.
I have finally created an account and hope I can get some help on the issues affecting my marriage. I also hope someday my Wayward Husband will also want to create an account. After reading some of the Former Wayward�s stories I think they would help him as much as they�ve helped me. If he were willing. I decided to join because after reading so much on here I am not so sure he is willing or that we are not headed for a False Recovery.
It�s a very long story and I will fill in any gaps or holes as it�s necessary but for now I am going to just give you all the basics�
My husband and I had some marital problems. I also had some health issues. So did he. His were physical. He almost broke his neck right before we got married and I took care of him during that recovery. We married and began two separate relationships it seems because he tells me he was never really happy. I was. And I thought he was. But in early 2011 he asked for the first separation. He changed his mind but began an affair at the same time.
Six months later he moved out for a few days. He was miserable being married to me. He came back. A few months later he broke up with me on a vacation. I am not sure I ever want to go on another cruise for the rest of my life. I spent the last 2 days of that vacation staring at the ocean from the balcony and crying my eyes out while he slept. When he wasn�t sleeping he was angry at me. I accused him of cheating for the last time he said. On top of this he was miserable. He said he didn�t love me anymore but cared for me. He said a lot of very mean things about how he felt for me including how he never wanted to have sex with me but felt he HAD to. So yeah, this was not a great vacation for me. And it was only days before my birthday. He refused to say anything more than he was moving out when we got home and we were done. He was done. And move out is just what he did. He took everything he owned in the closet. He had no intention of returning and it showed. He said more things about how we never should have married, we had nothing in common, sex was not all that b/c he never felt those feelings for me, that we rushed into marriage and made a mistake� and on and on and on� I was stunned. First I did not see it coming. Second I did not realize he did not love me like a woman anymore. Third� why did he marry me then? WHY?
Everyone told me he was having an affair. There was no proof. Just what he said, how he was acting. Everyone said I was na�ve. There was another woman and that was what the real problem was. I did not believe it. I did not want to believe it.
He did his best to have as little contact with me as possible. For some reason though he insisted on saying �goodnight� every night. Of course I noticed there were nights � especially weekend nights � where he would �forget�. But if I �forgot� he had a problem with it. We had no talks of getting back together, if I mentioned it he said he just couldn�t even think about it. That he needed time and didn�t know how much. He would also say me asking was making him want to come back even less. I had surgery he promised he would care for me but only showed up once and texted me every few days. He was not there for me. He would run to the store etc if I asked but I needed HELP, I had major surgery. I couldn�t cook for myself. But he would text to see if I was ok. If I asked any questions he wouldn�t answer me. If I wanted to see him he would say he can�t. When I realized he was not going to be there to help me I decided to stay with a family member until I was back on my feet. At some point during this I �woke� up. I think I got tired of being unhappy. I think I realized he did not want to come back and I was just being a fool for not letting go. It was around this time he wanted to try. But it was a half hearted try really. Sex only. Some talking but none about getting back together and more �if you keep asking it will be even longer� speeches. Wow, reading this I wonder why I didn�t �get it� sooner� I guess we see what we want to see huh? He blamed everything on me. The reason we couldn�t be together was my fault. The reason we wouldn�t get back together was my fault. If I left him alone I didn�t hear from him. If I contacted him he would say I was �starting� with him and that was the reason he wouldn�t come back. So I gave up but kept hoping I guess� then at the end of December I got an e-mail from the other woman�s husband.
My husband denied nothing but offered nothing either. And we went on to a full fledged false recovery. He said he would prove to me for the rest of my life how much he loved me and would never do this to me again. He said it was always me he wanted and always would be. We began marriage counseling and we were doing things together� but then little by little he wasn�t as interested anymore. He began saying he was miserable. He began acting like something was wrong again. And in Feb his affair partner�s husband called me again. They never broke contact. He had proof. He had phone bills. Funny thing is the calls I�d questioned JUST THAT DAY were on this bill. They WERE her. My intuition was correct. And my husband told me I was paranoid and that would be why this would never work out. I could never trust him again he said. I matched up the calls on her bill to the calls on our bill and STILL he denied he was talking to her. He really seemed to want to end it with her. Maybe I made myself believe that, I don�t know. Fast forward a month� she was still calling � even after he told her with me listening that he wanted to be with me. That she should not call him or text him. I heard him say it. Now I wonder if he called/texted her right after to tell her not to listen or how that went� because by mid march they were at it again.
In early April he moved out again. Said he didn�t know what he was feeling. I saw it coming this time. But still felt it was sad because I know we truly love each other. I knew he was in a fog but there was little I could do about it. In may he was telling me they were seeing each other. That he thought our marriage was done and he wanted to be with her. I went dead inside. I can�t explain it any other way. I felt nothing for days. Meanwhile, I�d learned from her husband that they were divorced now. That she was telling everyone my husband and her were together and getting an apt together and once he divorced me they�d be getting engaged. WHAT? My husband denied all of this. In May we began seeing where things would go with us. By June he was saying he wanted to move back in with me. By the end of June he was back with her and didn�t want to be with me anymore. By Mid July we�d stopped speaking at all. By the end of August I was done.
Now.. during the months I mention above I was not transitioning smoothly and neither was he. He was denying and lying about everything and I kept finding out the truth. The truth was they did live together � though even today he says they did not, that he stayed there almost every night but did not live there. The truth was they DID plan a future together and he was telling everyone we were already divorced. We had not even filed papers. He said he did not want a divorce. To me that�s what he said anyway, probably more lies� I still don�t know. Then we were supposed to talk. He wanted to talk. I was hopeful he finally woke up. But I was wrong. During that conversation he was cold. His tone was uncaring and selfish. He said he was sorry about everything but that he had feelings for her. He loved me and didn�t want a divorce but wanted to see where things went with her. He was so babbling all this nonsense I just stared at the phone. I felt like all he ever did was tell me dreams then when it came time to talk went right back to how great they were togteher and how we were done. That night I�d had it. That night was the first time I realized my marriage was over and there was nothing I could do about it. I�d done everything. I tried. I needed to take care of myself now and stop allowing myself to be hurt again and again by this man who once loved me but clearly didn�t care how much he was hurting me anymore. He almost seemed to be enjoying it but I bet if he knew I felt that way he�d feel terrible. I felt like I�d suffered enough for the sake of this �love� that clearly only I still felt and that I had to let go. I had to set myself free or be stuck in this misery for a very long time. The next day I left him voicemails. He turned his phone off when he went �home� so she wouldn�t know he was still leading me on and so I wouldn�t know he lived with her. I still can�t believe this shady lying man is the man I married� he was not this person as far as I know� maybe he is this person I don�t know�
I don�t remember all I said. I know I was done. I know I was ready to move on. I know I wished him well and I truly meant it all. I also know I did not have hope anymore. I know those messages were my goodbyes to him. I knew I was done and there was nothing more I could do but walk away and get a divorce. Two days later he told me he was back living at his mom�s. No other mention of her. Do I think he ended it? No. I didn�t want to talk for a few days because I was/am so tired of the emotional screwings. I would cry all the time. I was so confused. For the first time in a year I felt like I wasn�t confused. I did not want a divorce. I still loved my husband but a choice was now made. He made it when he moved in with her. What he thought he would get out of this I don�t know. I had to walk away. All the lying� the headgames� the garbage love nonsense he said� if I did not walk away I would hate him. I did not want to hate him.
In early Oct I learned he was telling the truth. They did end it. And she says he �went back to his wife�. He didn�t though. We�re not back together. He is still stalling for more time apart and still talks to her. He admits it. And I�ve already said I can�t be in his life if she is. So now he will probably lie and say she�s not, right? Do they ever tell the truth again? He seems sincere with his actions� he wants me to feel secure� but he still talks to her. That is one point I can�t make him understand is a dealbreaker. I have even tried to tell him our marriage will not recover as long as she is there to confuse him. He says she doesn�t. But he still does not know what he wants. And is again saying this will take some time�
I know this is a false recovery in the making. Any former waywards with advice? Anyone in recovery? My only option now is divorce if this keeps dragging on and that will be sad because I know we love each other� but emotionally I just can�t keep going through this�
I have finally created an account and hope I can get some help on the issues affecting my marriage. I also hope someday my Wayward Husband will also want to create an account. After reading some of the Former Wayward�s stories I think they would help him as much as they�ve helped me. If he were willing. I decided to join because after reading so much on here I am not so sure he is willing or that we are not headed for a False Recovery.
It�s a very long story and I will fill in any gaps or holes as it�s necessary but for now I am going to just give you all the basics�
My husband and I had some marital problems. I also had some health issues. So did he. His were physical. He almost broke his neck right before we got married and I took care of him during that recovery. We married and began two separate relationships it seems because he tells me he was never really happy. I was. And I thought he was. But in early 2011 he asked for the first separation. He changed his mind but began an affair at the same time.
Six months later he moved out for a few days. He was miserable being married to me. He came back. A few months later he broke up with me on a vacation. I am not sure I ever want to go on another cruise for the rest of my life. I spent the last 2 days of that vacation staring at the ocean from the balcony and crying my eyes out while he slept. When he wasn�t sleeping he was angry at me. I accused him of cheating for the last time he said. On top of this he was miserable. He said he didn�t love me anymore but cared for me. He said a lot of very mean things about how he felt for me including how he never wanted to have sex with me but felt he HAD to. So yeah, this was not a great vacation for me. And it was only days before my birthday. He refused to say anything more than he was moving out when we got home and we were done. He was done. And move out is just what he did. He took everything he owned in the closet. He had no intention of returning and it showed. He said more things about how we never should have married, we had nothing in common, sex was not all that b/c he never felt those feelings for me, that we rushed into marriage and made a mistake� and on and on and on� I was stunned. First I did not see it coming. Second I did not realize he did not love me like a woman anymore. Third� why did he marry me then? WHY?
Everyone told me he was having an affair. There was no proof. Just what he said, how he was acting. Everyone said I was na�ve. There was another woman and that was what the real problem was. I did not believe it. I did not want to believe it.
He did his best to have as little contact with me as possible. For some reason though he insisted on saying �goodnight� every night. Of course I noticed there were nights � especially weekend nights � where he would �forget�. But if I �forgot� he had a problem with it. We had no talks of getting back together, if I mentioned it he said he just couldn�t even think about it. That he needed time and didn�t know how much. He would also say me asking was making him want to come back even less. I had surgery he promised he would care for me but only showed up once and texted me every few days. He was not there for me. He would run to the store etc if I asked but I needed HELP, I had major surgery. I couldn�t cook for myself. But he would text to see if I was ok. If I asked any questions he wouldn�t answer me. If I wanted to see him he would say he can�t. When I realized he was not going to be there to help me I decided to stay with a family member until I was back on my feet. At some point during this I �woke� up. I think I got tired of being unhappy. I think I realized he did not want to come back and I was just being a fool for not letting go. It was around this time he wanted to try. But it was a half hearted try really. Sex only. Some talking but none about getting back together and more �if you keep asking it will be even longer� speeches. Wow, reading this I wonder why I didn�t �get it� sooner� I guess we see what we want to see huh? He blamed everything on me. The reason we couldn�t be together was my fault. The reason we wouldn�t get back together was my fault. If I left him alone I didn�t hear from him. If I contacted him he would say I was �starting� with him and that was the reason he wouldn�t come back. So I gave up but kept hoping I guess� then at the end of December I got an e-mail from the other woman�s husband.
My husband denied nothing but offered nothing either. And we went on to a full fledged false recovery. He said he would prove to me for the rest of my life how much he loved me and would never do this to me again. He said it was always me he wanted and always would be. We began marriage counseling and we were doing things together� but then little by little he wasn�t as interested anymore. He began saying he was miserable. He began acting like something was wrong again. And in Feb his affair partner�s husband called me again. They never broke contact. He had proof. He had phone bills. Funny thing is the calls I�d questioned JUST THAT DAY were on this bill. They WERE her. My intuition was correct. And my husband told me I was paranoid and that would be why this would never work out. I could never trust him again he said. I matched up the calls on her bill to the calls on our bill and STILL he denied he was talking to her. He really seemed to want to end it with her. Maybe I made myself believe that, I don�t know. Fast forward a month� she was still calling � even after he told her with me listening that he wanted to be with me. That she should not call him or text him. I heard him say it. Now I wonder if he called/texted her right after to tell her not to listen or how that went� because by mid march they were at it again.
In early April he moved out again. Said he didn�t know what he was feeling. I saw it coming this time. But still felt it was sad because I know we truly love each other. I knew he was in a fog but there was little I could do about it. In may he was telling me they were seeing each other. That he thought our marriage was done and he wanted to be with her. I went dead inside. I can�t explain it any other way. I felt nothing for days. Meanwhile, I�d learned from her husband that they were divorced now. That she was telling everyone my husband and her were together and getting an apt together and once he divorced me they�d be getting engaged. WHAT? My husband denied all of this. In May we began seeing where things would go with us. By June he was saying he wanted to move back in with me. By the end of June he was back with her and didn�t want to be with me anymore. By Mid July we�d stopped speaking at all. By the end of August I was done.
Now.. during the months I mention above I was not transitioning smoothly and neither was he. He was denying and lying about everything and I kept finding out the truth. The truth was they did live together � though even today he says they did not, that he stayed there almost every night but did not live there. The truth was they DID plan a future together and he was telling everyone we were already divorced. We had not even filed papers. He said he did not want a divorce. To me that�s what he said anyway, probably more lies� I still don�t know. Then we were supposed to talk. He wanted to talk. I was hopeful he finally woke up. But I was wrong. During that conversation he was cold. His tone was uncaring and selfish. He said he was sorry about everything but that he had feelings for her. He loved me and didn�t want a divorce but wanted to see where things went with her. He was so babbling all this nonsense I just stared at the phone. I felt like all he ever did was tell me dreams then when it came time to talk went right back to how great they were togteher and how we were done. That night I�d had it. That night was the first time I realized my marriage was over and there was nothing I could do about it. I�d done everything. I tried. I needed to take care of myself now and stop allowing myself to be hurt again and again by this man who once loved me but clearly didn�t care how much he was hurting me anymore. He almost seemed to be enjoying it but I bet if he knew I felt that way he�d feel terrible. I felt like I�d suffered enough for the sake of this �love� that clearly only I still felt and that I had to let go. I had to set myself free or be stuck in this misery for a very long time. The next day I left him voicemails. He turned his phone off when he went �home� so she wouldn�t know he was still leading me on and so I wouldn�t know he lived with her. I still can�t believe this shady lying man is the man I married� he was not this person as far as I know� maybe he is this person I don�t know�
I don�t remember all I said. I know I was done. I know I was ready to move on. I know I wished him well and I truly meant it all. I also know I did not have hope anymore. I know those messages were my goodbyes to him. I knew I was done and there was nothing more I could do but walk away and get a divorce. Two days later he told me he was back living at his mom�s. No other mention of her. Do I think he ended it? No. I didn�t want to talk for a few days because I was/am so tired of the emotional screwings. I would cry all the time. I was so confused. For the first time in a year I felt like I wasn�t confused. I did not want a divorce. I still loved my husband but a choice was now made. He made it when he moved in with her. What he thought he would get out of this I don�t know. I had to walk away. All the lying� the headgames� the garbage love nonsense he said� if I did not walk away I would hate him. I did not want to hate him.
In early Oct I learned he was telling the truth. They did end it. And she says he �went back to his wife�. He didn�t though. We�re not back together. He is still stalling for more time apart and still talks to her. He admits it. And I�ve already said I can�t be in his life if she is. So now he will probably lie and say she�s not, right? Do they ever tell the truth again? He seems sincere with his actions� he wants me to feel secure� but he still talks to her. That is one point I can�t make him understand is a dealbreaker. I have even tried to tell him our marriage will not recover as long as she is there to confuse him. He says she doesn�t. But he still does not know what he wants. And is again saying this will take some time�
I know this is a false recovery in the making. Any former waywards with advice? Anyone in recovery? My only option now is divorce if this keeps dragging on and that will be sad because I know we love each other� but emotionally I just can�t keep going through this�