My husband and I have been reading the MB board to get the advice of some very helpful people that are working the MB program. It has been very helpful. But we really are having a difficult time.
We have been married 21 years and have four children. About year 17 I received an email from an old BF and did not tell my husband. Then I justified my responding to it because I was not appreciated and felt my husband did not love me. (So typical)
The history behind this old BF is we had a 5 year relationship with a brief time he lived with me. We were very young. He ended it I was crushed. Then he kept calling every now and then we lived far apart. He got married. Then after he was married he called me. I told him to stop because he was married. Then 20 years later he emailed me. I knew not to respond. I should have protected my husband and our love and fidelity.
I thought only of myself and how lonely and mistreated I felt. So I chose to kick my husband to the curb and started an EA with this JERK. This EA lasted 2 and half years. We met once only for dinner. NO SEX AT ALL.I thought of my BH the enter night. After that night I knew I need to work on my marriage and the way to do that was to stop texting and calling him, but I always found an excuse. I ending it only after my husband found out there was an email exchange on a business web site. I contracted once more to warn him not to reply to any text or email sent.
The truth about how long the EA was took months for me to admit, I got some bad counsel. It was not until I found the MB site and we watched it together and I told him about meeting OM for dinner. I have and will continue to answer all his questions, but I'm always afraid of his painful reaction. It has been a year since Dday and I have never contacted and never will contact the OM again. My husband exposed the EA to the OM�s wife, some of his family and some friends.
We have read Surviving an Affair. But we seem to be stuck in the UA time is all spent talking about difficult feelings. We are not able to move into anything good, just pain. I believe we need to fill out the EN�s form and LB forms. I am afraid he will never be able to forgive me. I am so sorry for the pain I have caused him and my children. All I want is to have a great marriage to love and honor my husband, and hopefully he will love and honor me someday.
Please give me some advice.
When did you send the No Contact Letter?
Please list your Extraordinary Precautions.
Please send your BH here so we can help the both of you recover your marriage.
Trueform,
Now when you say no sex, did you kiss the OM, for many Hs whose wives have not kissed them passionately for years kissing is very definitely sex. Phone sex and other indirect means count as as well. Whatever you do, do not use definitions to limit your disclosure.
God Bless
Gamma
My husband did not want a No Contact Letter sent.Because of the amount of time it took for disclosure.
He spoke to the OM's wife on the phone and sent her emails. They talked many times.
EP My BH has access to my email, Fb and all cell phone calls online.
There was one kiss,but not passionate, no phone sex.
Clearly you can do better than that ... your lack of details and care for your husband speaks volumes in your posts.
Now ... for comparison ... here is a list of EP's that are needed.
A) Blocking all communication with Affair Partners (AP�s)
B) Accounting for all of your time
C) Accounting for all money
D) Spending your leisure time with your wife.
EP�s are put into place to protect your spouse.
Protection = Care
EP�s are also designed to ELIMINATE the opportunity to have a secret second life.
Ok, so let�s talk about two different categories you need to create in your list of EP�s.
The first category is a list of one-time EPs that you will need to make sure you complete quickly.
The second category is a list of EPs that you will follow for a lifetime.
So let�s start with the first category items.
(what follows are SUGGESTIONS, remember this is going to be YOUR list)
A) Change cell phone number and give password & account access to your spouse.
B) Change email account.
C) Eliminate all social networking accounts (i.e., Face book, Classmates, My Space, etc.)
D) Take a polygraph
E) Make a copy of my vehicle keys and any other keys my spouse does not have and give to them (i.e., safe deposit boxes, business keys, storage cabinets/lockers, etc.)
F) List out passwords for all business and personal computer logins, and any other passwords my spouse does not have access to.
G) Give my spouse access to any banking/financial accounts, business and personal.
H) Install software that tracks all internet use, giving my spouse administrative access.
I) Install a webcam/security cameras for while at work that my spouse can access.
J) I will contact an attorney that will work on my spouse�s behalf and write a post-nuptial agreement.
K) Sell the house/purchase a new one.
L) Sell any vehicle AP was in and replace them.
Category #2 is a little more along the lines of EPs that you need to maintain on a continuous, consistent basis.
A) I will protect my spouse and their feelings above all else.
B) I will not participate in any one-on-one meetings with anyone of the opposite sex.
C) I will not discuss my personal marriage issues with anyone of the opposite sex.
D) I will not attend clubs, strip joints, or any such establishment
E) I agree to use POJA as a basis for all decisions.
F) I will be open and honest with my spouse at all times about the past and present.
G) I will provide my spouse a daily schedule of all appointments and contact information.
H) If I need to make an adjustment to my schedule, I will notify my spouse of the change immediately.
I) I will make my spouse�s phone calls my highest priority by answering them or returning them immediately.
J) I will avoid all chat rooms, porn, member sites, etc.
K) I will trade phones with my spouse at any time they request, NO questions asked.
L) I will leave my phone accessible to my spouse at night/or anytime I�m home.
M) I will commit to at least 15 hours of undivided attention with my spouse to meet each other�s ENs every week (time working together does not count toward those 15 hours).
N) If AP finds a way to make contact, I will immediately end the contact and notify my spouse about it immediately after.
O) I will install a keylogger, GPS, or any other tracking system my spouse may request.
P) Anytime I have the thought, �I don�t want my spouse to know about��.�, I will call my spouse immediately and tell them my thoughts.
Q) Anything else my spouse wants as a boundary.
Use this as a starting point for working further on your EPs. Add and change items that suit your situation.
Whatever you do, put your list together and post it on your own thread and then allow for some feedback from those that have been through this exercise. We want you to perfect your list before offering it to your spouse. There is so very little that a wayward can truly offer as compensation for the huge amount of damage caused by such a selfish act as adultery that we want to make sure this is done well. The continuation of your marriage is riding on these actions!
Your rationalization and lack of umph for change scares the daylights out of me, and I am only viewing them packet style.
Trueform,
You can offer to take a polygraph if your BH still doubts your honesty, he may even doubt the paternity of your children and you can offer to take an STD tests too. He may feel that his entire marriage was a sham with him as a fill in until OM showed up again.
God Bless
Gamma
We have read Surviving an Affair. But we seem to be stuck in the UA time is all spent talking about difficult feelings. We are not able to move into anything good, just pain.
Hi Trueform, welcome to Marriage Builders. The most glaring issue I see here is that the affair is still being discussed and you are not using your UA in a productive way.
UA time should be spent having a good time, ie: meeting the top 4 intimate emotional needs of conversation, affection, recreational companionship and sexual fulfillment. I would focus on being as pleasant as possible and making your dates romantic and effective.
When did your husband have the full truth from you? How long ago?
I have and will continue to answer all his questions, but I'm always afraid of his painful reaction.
Does he have the full truth about the affair? Once all the facts have been disclosed, the subject should be dropped forever. Does he feel he has the full truth?
My BH has all passwords to all accounts. He can see anything he wants.
I changed my cell phone number. I offered to change or close the Fb page I have, because he has full access to it he said it is ok to keep it. I never used Fb to message the OM. I agree to all the EP's that you posted. Most every day my Bh comes home for lunch. If I leave the house I let him know where I am going. Most of the time to pick up kids, go to church, or grocery shopping. This is the first time I have ever used a chat room.
I have offered to take a polygraph. Let me be very clear I have never had sex with any one but my Bh in 21 years of our marriage.
You never used it true but what's stopping OM from using it to contact you. It defeats the point of changing the other means of communication IMHO. especially if your a SAHM. You could message OM and delete said message or vice versa. Please don't counter with the fact you have self control because if you did you wouldn't of got into an EA. save the I didn't have sex talk. Prove it with a polygraph and be honest you going to dinner would of been a first step. I'M SURE OM HAD SEX ON HIS MIND. if your BH didn't find out you WOULD have. That's why you hid the contact from your BH.
The Om does not have access to my Fb my Bh set it up and checks it. I would be willing to do anything.
The UA has only been spent talking about the all the pain. So we are not following the MB but he can not get past the pain and feels he can smile and have any fun.
I took so long to get everything out. He has had all the truth for about 7 months.
The UA has only been spent talking about the all the pain. So we are not following the MB but he can not get past the pain and feels he can smile and have any fun.
Thanks trueform. One of the reasons he is having a tough time is because he continues to talk about it. That makes it harder for him to get past the pain. And it makes his marriage a very, very unpleasant place.
Can you send him here so we can help him with this?
Do you have the book Surviving an Affair?
Yes we have read the Surviving an Affair book.
He knows I am on this board I talked with him about posting before I did. We have spent many hours reading this board as well.
Yes we have read the Surviving an Affair book.
He knows I am on this board I talked with him about posting before I did. We have spent many hours reading this board as well.
Are you guys planning on following the program outlined in SAA? Do you need help?
I believe that MB has the best plan for recovery. Yes I do need help that is why am here. I love my husband and want a great marriage.
Good! Well, the first step is to stop talking about the affair and plan enjoyable activities for your UA time. Will your husband stop talking about it?
If you can, I would spring for the workbook because it has all the worksheets with instructions in it. One important worksheet is the undivided attention worksheet. Rip it out and make copies. Sit down and make copies and schedule out your time for the next week. They sell it for $11
here. You can also listen to the radio every day for free. It is a great resource for help in recovering your marriage.
radio show here
Or it's a free app on smartphones. MB radio.
I do listen to the radio show most days.
I have also listened to the all the shows (His needs her needs, LB's etc.) with dr.H and his wife that are on the MB
My Bh is ocd (his term) about dates, I gave him all the cell phone records he can remember all the text messages dates and times.
I do listen to the radio show most days.
I have also listened to the all the shows (His needs her needs, LB's etc.) with dr.H and his wife that are on the MB
Do you mean the radio shows? Or their recorded lessons?
live radio shows and recorded lessons.
I do not have a smart phone so no apps.
You wrote, "We met once only for dinner. NO SEX AT ALL.I thought of my BH the enter night" but later admitted "There was one kiss, but not passionate, no phone sex" and then reiterated "I have never had sex with any one but my Bh in 21 years of our marriage." I don't understand why are you so adamant about denying sexual intercourse. In addition to that kiss, did you have other sexual contact with OM?
I am adamant about no sexual intercourse because you wrote as if my children are not my BH.
No there was no sexual contact with the OM other than that kiss goodbye.
I'm not the commenter who suggested a paternity test. Regardless, you made a big point of denying sex in your initial post, so your sensitivity regarding that topic was apparent from the outset. Other than one kiss, are you sure there was no physical contact during the entire 2.5 yr affair?
Sorry about my reply and you not being the commenter. This is the first time I've ever used a message board of any kind.
Yes I'm sure the OM lives thousands of miles away. We only met that one time.
No problem! Did the OM talk about sex via emails, instant messages, or texts? I'm wondering if your husband keeps discussing the affair because he suspects that sort of thing occurred but you haven't admitted to it.
I have admitted that the OM and I talked about past sex that we had when we were young when we talked on the phone. We never texted anything about sex. Most of the time we talked about everyday things with kids and our BS's
When we met we did not talk about sex. The night before I met him he did ask if I could spend the night.I have admitted that I thought about it but was feeling so guilty and Like I was going to Hell. I was Freaking out!
After you had dinner with him, where did you go?
I have admitted that the OM and I talked about past sex that we had when we were young when we talked on the phone. We never texted anything about sex. Most of the time we talked about everyday things with kids and our BS's
When we met we did not talk about sex. The night before I met him he did ask if I could spend the night.I have admitted that I thought about it but was feeling so guilty and Like I was going to Hell. I was Freaking out!
Will your BH come here and post?
This is what happened I told my Bh that I was meeting some girl friends in a city about 45mins. to an hour away from my house. I drove to this city then got dressed to meet the OM. I met OM about a half hour to 40 mins. later. I drove around for a little while because I was freaking out. I met OM in the lobby of his hotel we hugged hello I had not seen OM in 30 years. We talked in lobby about an hour then we went up to his suite, He showed me pics of some old friends, his family, his wife and kids. He called for a car to pick us up while I was in the lady's room. We went down to the lobby and waited for the car pick up. The car drive took about 10mins. We then waited a little for our table. Dinner took about an hour and half. I could not eat very much. After dinner we had to wait for the car pick up. Then we went back up to his suite I went to the Lady's room he called for my car credit for parking. He walked me to my car and we kissed goodbye. I felt very strange to be alone with a man that was not my husband I felt very uncomfortable. I felt and feel guilty about the whole thing. I lied to the man I promised to love and honor. I was not living a christian life I was living a double life.
Will your BH come here and post?
He is reading all the posts. He might post I can not say for sure.
He is reading all the posts. He might post I can not say for sure.
Have you asked him what he needs from you to feel safe in your M?
Have you given him just compensation?
Can't We Just Forgive and Forget? #1
He is reading all the posts. He might post I can not say for sure.
MrTrueform, time to man up, join, start your own thread. There are so many people here that have been down this road before you waiting and willing to help you.
In 2 different posts, you made a point of saying that you have never used an internet discussion board or chat room. However, you initially posted that your husband discovered your affair after seeing your conversations with OM on a website. What website?
I'm with you Jessica 2 year EA and no sexual contact that is EXTREMELY hard to believe. TF have you offered to take a polygraph?
This is what happened I told my Bh that I was meeting some girl friends in a city about 45mins. to an hour away from my house. I drove to this city then got dressed to meet the OM. I met OM about a half hour to 40 mins. later. I drove around for a little while because I was freaking out. I met OM in the lobby of his hotel we hugged hello I had not seen OM in 30 years. We talked in lobby about an hour then we went up to his suite, He showed me pics of some old friends, his family, his wife and kids. He called for a car to pick us up while I was in the lady's room. We went down to the lobby and waited for the car pick up. The car drive took about 10mins. We then waited a little for our table. Dinner took about an hour and half. I could not eat very much. After dinner we had to wait for the car pick up. Then we went back up to his suite I went to the Lady's room he called for my car credit for parking. He walked me to my car and we kissed goodbye. I felt very strange to be alone with a man that was not my husband I felt very uncomfortable. I felt and feel guilty about the whole thing. I lied to the man I promised to love and honor. I was not living a christian life I was living a double life.
Where did you change your clothes before dinner and after dinner? Also, you described the evening in detail--including time estimates for each activity--
except for the time periods when you were in OM's hotel room. You seemed to gloss over those periods, but mentioned that you used the restroom each time. Did you gloss over those time periods because your husband is reading this thread?
Trickle truth will not help you, TF. By hiding information and "protecting your spouse" will devastate him more than coming clean. Dr. Harley states that WS do this because they are afraid the BS will leave them. He has the right to divorce or reconcile when he has the whole story. If he chose recovery and later finds out you had SF with POSOM he will be angry and leave. Also, this POSOM had the nerve to show you pictures of his wife and kids? (Vomit).
What an awesome guy! Have this affair been exposed to said wife and kids?! If not it should and be done this weekend. I willing to put my savings that your not the first one and that poor wife needs to know of her husbands predatory behavior. It might of been magical for you but to POSOM you were an easy score. Two adults don't go to hotel rooms after talking about past sexual encounters to go scrapbooking. I am sure your BH feels the same way that's why he's not willing to stop talking about it. He feels your lying and not buying that lame story. As far as FB goes its not for you to contact him its for him trying to contact you! DELETE IT! All other social media as well. Right now your shown you have poor boundaries! What if another old flame contacts you for dinner?! Your BH, who doesn't trust you with just reason, is supposed believe your going to resist temptation?
Regarding disclosing the affair to your husband, you wrote, "I took so long to get everything out." Your trickle-truth approach seems to be a big part of the problem. Even on this thread, your disclosures have been trickling. First, you told us that it was strictly an emotional affair and you only went out to dinner with OM. Then you admitted that you kissed the OM and went to his hotel room before and after dinner, but you seemed to gloss over what happened each time you were in his hotel room. You also said that you never had phone sex with OM, but later admitted that you did discuss sex with OM on the phone. It seems like you are splitting hairs and glossing over critical periods of time in order to conceal information.
This is what happened I told my Bh that I was meeting some girl friends in a city about 45mins. to an hour away from my house. I drove to this city then got dressed to meet the OM. I met OM about a half hour to 40 mins. later. I drove around for a little while because I was freaking out. I met OM in the lobby of his hotel we hugged hello I had not seen OM in 30 years. We talked in lobby about an hour then we went up to his suite, He showed me pics of some old friends, his family, his wife and kids. He called for a car to pick us up while I was in the lady's room. We went down to the lobby and waited for the car pick up. The car drive took about 10mins. We then waited a little for our table. Dinner took about an hour and half. I could not eat very much. After dinner we had to wait for the car pick up. Then we went back up to his suite I went to the Lady's room he called for my car credit for parking. He walked me to my car and we kissed goodbye. I felt very strange to be alone with a man that was not my husband I felt very uncomfortable. I felt and feel guilty about the whole thing. I lied to the man I promised to love and honor. I was not living a christian life I was living a double life.
Where did you change your clothes before dinner and after dinner? Also, you described the evening in detail--including time estimates for each activity--
except for the time periods when you were in OM's hotel room. You seemed to gloss over those periods, but mentioned that you used the restroom each time. Did you gloss over those time periods because your husband is reading this thread?
I changed my clothes in a department store near the hotel. I did not change my clothes after dinner.
The Om and I were in his hotel room before dinner for about 15 to 20 mins. Then after dinner 10mins tops.
No,I did not gloss over the time periods, I have talked about this with my BH many times.
Then go take a polygraph.. I'm not your husband, but I don't believe you.. This would be the best way to reassure him that you are telling the truth. There are threads on here to help your husband figure out what questions he needs to ask. Doing the polygraph should take care of it once and for all.
This is what happened I told my Bh that I was meeting some girl friends in a city about 45mins. to an hour away from my house. I drove to this city then got dressed to meet the OM. I met OM about a half hour to 40 mins. later. I drove around for a little while because I was freaking out. I met OM in the lobby of his hotel we hugged hello I had not seen OM in 30 years. We talked in lobby about an hour then we went up to his suite, He showed me pics of some old friends, his family, his wife and kids. He called for a car to pick us up while I was in the lady's room. We went down to the lobby and waited for the car pick up. The car drive took about 10mins. We then waited a little for our table. Dinner took about an hour and half. I could not eat very much. After dinner we had to wait for the car pick up. Then we went back up to his suite I went to the Lady's room he called for my car credit for parking. He walked me to my car and we kissed goodbye. I felt very strange to be alone with a man that was not my husband I felt very uncomfortable. I felt and feel guilty about the whole thing. I lied to the man I promised to love and honor. I was not living a christian life I was living a double life.
Where did you change your clothes before dinner and after dinner? Also, you described the evening in detail--including time estimates for each activity--
except for the time periods when you were in OM's hotel room. You seemed to gloss over those periods, but mentioned that you used the restroom each time. Did you gloss over those time periods because your husband is reading this thread?
I changed my clothes in a department store near the hotel. I did not change my clothes after dinner.
The Om and I were in his hotel room before dinner for about 15 to 20 mins. Then after dinner 10mins tops.
No,I did not gloss over the time periods, I have talked about this with my BH many times.
You said this affair began during the 17th year of your marriage, and you've been married for 21 years. You also said that your husband has only known the truth for the past 7 months, so that means you deceived your husband for about 4 years. Correct? When your husband finally found out, was the affair fully disclosed to family, friends, clergy, and OM's family? Has your husband spoken directly with OM's wife in order to compare notes? If not, this should be done immediately.
Trickle truth will not help you, TF. By hiding information and "protecting your spouse" will devastate him more than coming clean. Dr. Harley states that WS do this because they are afraid the BS will leave them. He has the right to divorce or reconcile when he has the whole story. If he chose recovery and later finds out you had SF with POSOM he will be angry and leave. Also, this POSOM had the nerve to show you pictures of his wife and kids? (Vomit).
What an awesome guy! Have this affair been exposed to said wife and kids?! If not it should and be done this weekend. I willing to put my savings that your not the first one and that poor wife needs to know of her husbands predatory behavior. It might of been magical for you but to POSOM you were an easy score. Two adults don't go to hotel rooms after talking about past sexual encounters to go scrapbooking. I am sure your BH feels the same way that's why he's not willing to stop talking about it. He feels your lying and not buying that lame story. As far as FB goes its not for you to contact him its for him trying to contact you! DELETE IT! All other social media as well. Right now your shown you have poor boundaries! What if another old flame contacts you for dinner?! Your BH, who doesn't trust you with just reason, is supposed believe your going to resist temptation?
I know now that trickle truth is cruel. I first got some very bad counsel from a priest who told me to not tell my Bh anything. We even went to see him and he said to my Bh that my confession was a secret and my Bh was not my confessor. By following this advice I was not coming clean and hurting my Bh. After seeing my Bh sick and angry for a month or so I got all the cell phone records for him. I was very ashamed and tried to hide the truth. Finally told him how long the EA was, when and how it started and ended. I then found the MB web site and told my Bh I meet the OM for dinner. That was about 10 months ago.
I believe my Bh has every right to know all information about my EA.
I agree with you, it makes me sick to my stomach to think the Om and I talked about loving our Bs�s and kids and acting with such disrespect and dishonor. I thank God every day that I did not have sex with him and had a fear of Hell, I should have felt that fear just by talking to this Om. That would have sent me there as well.
I should have shown the love I have for my Bh and told my Bh about the OM�s email. I will never meet any other man without my Bh�s being there.I will never contract any Om without my Bh approval. I will show my Bh any and all messages I receive from any Om. My Bh has that right and have to earn trust.I have no OS friends that is not friends with my husband.
My Bh exposed to the Om�s wife. My Bh did not want anyone to know. But I exposed myself to his brother after a very angry Bh exposed to my children and my only family, my cousin who Bh did not know was in our home at the time. Bh has exposed to some family, friends and a couple of priests.
You wrote, "I believe my Bh has every right to know all information about my EA." You already admitted that there was physical contact, so why do you continue describing it as an EA?
No mention of polygraph yet. If I were your BH I would leave. Your obviously concealing information. No mention of closing FB or other EPs. Did you read the link that talks about just compensation. All I see is talk and no walk.
In 2 different posts, you made a point of saying that you have never used an internet discussion board or chat room. However, you initially posted that your husband discovered your affair after seeing your conversations with OM on a website. What website?
The Om found me through a business website that I never paid to use,and never used but OM was able to send me an email.I was able to send a reply. My Bh found my profile on the Om site. I deleted and closed my profile and all connection with that site.
Trueform, as I was reading your thread at first, I thouhgt JessicaClaire was being a tad overpresumptuous in jumping to the conclusion that this was a sexual affair.
Then, later, you posted this: This is what happened I told my Bh that I was meeting some girl friends in a city about 45mins. to an hour away from my house. I drove to this city then got dressed to meet the OM. I met OM about a half hour to 40 mins. later. I drove around for a little while because I was freaking out. I met OM in the lobby of his hotel we hugged hello I had not seen OM in 30 years. We talked in lobby about an hour then we went up to his suite...
Well, I suppose it's possible that it happened that way. However, knowing what I know about waywards (having been one, and having had a married affair-partner who was thus also one), I don't believe it for a minute.
Your Step #1 has got to be, take & pass a polygraph.
Then we can talk about the steps after that. Until then, any other line of discussion is just wasted time, for both you & your husband.
You wrote, "I believe my Bh has every right to know all information about my EA." You already admitted that there was physical contact, so why do you continue describing it as an EA? And don't you believe your husband has a right to know about all aspects of your affair?
I would like to understand how you define EA and PA. I thought that a PA is if someone has any type of sexual contact. So foggy I just figured out the hug hello and kiss goodbye count as sexual contact. All of you are helping me. Thank you.
The Om found me through a business website that I never paid to use,and never used but OM was able to send me an email.I was able to send a reply. My Bh found my profile on the Om site. I deleted and closed my profile and all connection with that site.
You said that you never used the website, but then admitted that you had a profile on the website and used the website to correspond with OM. So you
did use the website. And what was the point of mentioning that you didn't have a paid subscription to the website? Were you using LinkedIn? If so, were you able to send emails through that website without a paid subscription?
Jessica, I think Trueform needs to go work on her story a little more... 
I firmly believe she is looking to sweep this under the rug. Simply because it was her first affair and believes it won't happen again. Which in my eyes as a current BH is extremely selfish. All her posts are suspect and she only cares about n�mero uno. I have yet to see any concern for what she did to her BH. Just I and mes in every thread.
In order to keep your affair a secret for 4 years, deception must have become a way of life. Ironically (given your username), giving deceptive answers is "true to form" for you because lying about your affair has become a habit. A polygraph could be extremely helpful because it would enable your husband to be certain that he knows the whole truth.
Trueform;
Taking the polygraph is a gift you can give your BH. If you have told him all important information already, the poly ill allow him to see that you are now telling him the truth.
If you still have more to reveal to him about your A, do that now. Then offer to take the polygraph.
The habit of lying can become very ingrained. But you can change.
Wishing you well with this.
TF, stepping back a bit from the details of the story, I'd like to point out the dominant trending reaction, okay?
We out here exchanged no vows with you. We were not married to you for 21 years. We have no investment in your life or happiness, and ours will basically remain unaffected by your progress or failure. We struggle with no burdensome sense of your betrayal.
Given all that isolation and dis-involvement, even so we have trouble giving full credence to your story. For your BH, with all those other elements churning inside him as well, there can be no surprise that he cannot bring himself to accept the story he has been given as full and forthright, put doubt aside, and move on.
Without that intellectual/emotional position, any further attempts to build anew life will be constructing an house on a foundation of sand - useless and worse than just walking away.
You need to take a polygraph. There is no other fruitful path before you.
Funny how polygraph is thrown around and this poster disappears.
I have offered to take a polygraph ever since I found the MB web site. That's about 10 months ago. My Bh main concern is that he feels my heart is all his. Please see his posting Late for the Sky.
I want to thank all of you for the slap in the face yesterday it helped me see that my communication needs a lot of work. After seeing some of the same things posted on this board as my BH has been saying for awhile I was hit with so many emotions about myself and what I have put my dear husband through. He was the innocent person in a crazy mixed up emotional mess that started many years before I meet him.
We talked for about 7 hours yesterday. We worked through unraveling so many feelings, pain and past hurts that I had caused or that we had brought into our marriage.
I ordered the workbook and HNHN, LB books.
This morning I asked if I can write a NC letter to the OM and my HB said to write it. This is something I have wanted to do to try and regain some dignity for my BH and myself.
I have offered to take a polygraph ever since I found the MB web site. That's about 10 months ago. My Bh main concern is that he feels my heart is all his. Please see his posting Late for the Sky.
I want to thank all of you for the slap in the face yesterday it helped me see that my communication needs a lot of work. After seeing some of the same things posted on this board as my BH has been saying for awhile I was hit with so many emotions about myself and what I have put my dear husband through. He was the innocent person in a crazy mixed up emotional mess that started many years before I meet him.
We talked for about 7 hours yesterday. We worked through unraveling so many feelings, pain and past hurts that I had caused or that we had brought into our marriage.
I ordered the workbook and HNHN, LB books.
This morning I asked if I can write a NC letter to the OM and my HB said to write it. This is something I have wanted to do to try and regain some dignity for my BH and myself.
Get the book SAA first.
Post your NC letter here for us to read also.
The problem isn't a lack of communication; the problem is continued deception. Did you schedule a polygraph?
Don't offer do it yourself take charge. He feels that way cause of the continued deception.
I have offered to take a polygraph ever since I found the MB web site. That's about 10 months ago. My Bh main concern is that he feels my heart is all his. Please see his posting Late for the Sky.
I want to thank all of you for the slap in the face yesterday it helped me see that my communication needs a lot of work. After seeing some of the same things posted on this board as my BH has been saying for awhile I was hit with so many emotions about myself and what I have put my dear husband through. He was the innocent person in a crazy mixed up emotional mess that started many years before I meet him.
We talked for about 7 hours yesterday. We worked through unraveling so many feelings, pain and past hurts that I had caused or that we had brought into our marriage.
I ordered the workbook and HNHN, LB books.
This morning I asked if I can write a NC letter to the OM and my HB said to write it. This is something I have wanted to do to try and regain some dignity for my BH and myself.
Get the book SAA first.
Post your NC letter here for us to read also.
Post the letter here first before you send it to make sure it does not need to be edited.
In order to keep your affair a secret for 4 years, deception must have become a way of life. Ironically (given your username), giving deceptive answers is "true to form" for you because lying about your affair has become a habit. A polygraph could be extremely helpful because it would enable your husband to be certain that he knows the whole truth.
MY A was 2 1/2 years.
My username has everything to do with revealing my true self to my husband and giving all my heart to him without any impediment. This OM was an impediment. My golden calf. What I thought "true love" felt like.
I never looked for the OM he did not rule my every thought during my 17 years of marriage. But when I got that email from the OM I was completely lost in a world that overwhelmed everything in my life. Looking honestly at this emotional relationship and freeing myself of any attachment.
Maybe you find it hard to believe my story and I would as well. Human beings are complex. My Bh and I have had a year of hard discussions.
You see, I was not going to give my body to this man without some proof of his real commitment to me. After all I had waited 20 some years for him to come back to me. But at the same time I knew that would take me to HELL. At the same time I was afraid to lose my family, my soul, myself. I was so lost. Running fast away from God's grace. God help me for being so lost in a fog of sin. My poor BH was mostly unaware of these complex emotions that surrounded his life.
These seeped their infection throughout my marriage.
Finally being completely free of any tie. The cord cut. The peace of grace. The warmth of complete openness and honestly. Giving my whole heart to my husband is all I desire.
Trueform,
You were able to lie and deceive pretty well for several years. Where did you believe that would take you? To hell? Did you have the same fear that you would lose your family, soul and self? I don't think so. You weren't concerned at all until you were caught. Then you lied for as long as you could.
You have a bad habit of dishonesty, evidenced by your own statements and trickle truth. You may be feeling some warmth, but it is not from complete openness and honesty. Start there. Schedule the polygraph.
I realize this sounds harsh. The very first step towards recovery after an affair has ended is total honesty. It was a step my H didn't think he needed to make for nearly three years. It was three miserable years until H decided to be an honest man. I hope you don't spend the same chunk of time not getting anywhere.
AM
In order to keep your affair a secret for 4 years, deception must have become a way of life. Ironically (given your username), giving deceptive answers is "true to form" for you because lying about your affair has become a habit. A polygraph could be extremely helpful because it would enable your husband to be certain that he knows the whole truth.
MY A was 2 1/2 years.
My username has everything to do with revealing my true self to my husband and giving all my heart to him without any impediment. This OM was an impediment. My golden calf. What I thought "true love" felt like.
I never looked for the OM he did not rule my every thought during my 17 years of marriage. But when I got that email from the OM I was completely lost in a world that overwhelmed everything in my life. Looking honestly at this emotional relationship and freeing myself of any attachment.
Maybe you find it hard to believe my story and I would as well. Human beings are complex. My Bh and I have had a year of hard discussions.
You see, I was not going to give my body to this man without some proof of his real commitment to me. After all I had waited 20 some years for him to come back to me. But at the same time I knew that would take me to HELL. At the same time I was afraid to lose my family, my soul, myself. I was so lost. Running fast away from God's grace. God help me for being so lost in a fog of sin. My poor BH was mostly unaware of these complex emotions that surrounded his life.
These seeped their infection throughout my marriage.
Finally being completely free of any tie. The cord cut. The peace of grace. The warmth of complete openness and honestly. Giving my whole heart to my husband is all I desire.
Why are you still trying to spin this? The fact that the affair was active during the first 2.5 years of your 4-year deception is irrelevant.
Instead of waxing poetic about yourself, why don't you focus on making amends to your victim? The first step is full disclosure. When is your polygraph?
You see, I was not going to give my body to this man without some proof of his real commitment to me.
Your husband, LatefortheSky, wrote:
Regarding the date, obviously this is a red hot button for me. I have great recollection of that time, which has made it tough on me. The initial proposal from my FFW was that she was going to spend the weekend with my sons best friends mom, her sister and a couple of their friends at a spa in a resort area about 45 minutes south of where we live. I said, � are you nuts, you�re a married woman with four children, they are all single�.this is inappropriate and unacceptable for you�..nothing but trouble�. Apparently POSOM was supposedly surprised and annoyed with my lack of understanding. I mean he had to suffer through the inconvenience of extending his business trip, switching hotels so that he wouldn�t be seen with my wife by someone who knew him and his wife and airline hassles, sheeh.
A couple days later I was asked if going for the afternoon and evening was cool. I said that was fine. The rainy Friday arrives. I come home from work and she is preparing to go. As she is leaving I give her a hug and a kiss. I tell her, �enjoy yourself, you deserve it�. While going out the door she turns and says, �if it�s raining tonight I might stay there and come home in the morning�. This I think was around 3:00pm. She arrived home just after 11:30, looking really good. I was sitting on the couch watching TV with the kids; she sat next to me on the arm of the couch, gave me a kiss and put her arm around me.
Apparently, your plan WAS to give your body to the OM because your plan was to spend the night with him. You first proposed spending the weekend with him and that plan was foiled. When you were walking out the door, you suggested you might spend the night there.
So it is obvious you had hoped to spend the night with him and he had no commitment to you. He was committed to another woman so your words don't match your actions.
The story doesn't jive, my friend.
I never looked for the OM he did not rule my every thought during my 17 years of marriage. But when I got that email from the OM I was completely lost in a world that overwhelmed everything in my life.
The post above
You see, I was not going to give my body to this man without some proof of his real commitment to me. After all I had waited 20 some years for him to come back to me.
and this posted below are so disjointed with each other, that my only thought is you have been a liar since the moment you got married, and your betrayed husband may never get the truth because you have been delusional for so long.
Your Betrayed husband was second best ... you waited 20 years for a man you thought should have been your husband. How many years have you fantisized and dreamt of this POSOM? I don't believe you when you tell us you didn't think about him much over 17 years. If it only took one email to throw you into "LURVE" that says to me you had this fantacy of this man thought up in your head since the moment you got married, and you kept him alive in your head all those years.
Your poor betrayed husband ... that was 20 years you spent giving some fantacy your intimacy. Can you see how dishonest you live? Can you see how you gave yourself away to a "false man" and gave your husband only crumbs. WOW!!!
Even when you were found out ... your fantacy crumbled to the ground ... you defended and protected this fantacy with trickle truth ... as if this story you kept alive for all these years was real.
I would sit down with your betrayed husband and do a radical honesty dump on him. You need to let him know each and every point in your marriage when you made him second best, when you put "fantacy POSOM" ahead of him. Your betrayed husband needs to know this lie you have kept alive for decades. It robbed him of the intimacy he deserved from his wife.
To think that you only kissed him ... when you waited for him for decades ... I wouldn't believe a word you said.
I agree with all the posts here. Once again its all about you. Something tells me it only ended cause you got caught so now your trying to save face cause your rep is tarnished. When is that polygraph?
You see, I was not going to give my body to this man without some proof of his real commitment to me.
Your husband, LatefortheSky, wrote:
Regarding the date, obviously this is a red hot button for me. I have great recollection of that time, which has made it tough on me. The initial proposal from my FFW was that she was going to spend the weekend with my sons best friends mom, her sister and a couple of their friends at a spa in a resort area about 45 minutes south of where we live. I said, � are you nuts, you�re a married woman with four children, they are all single�.this is inappropriate and unacceptable for you�..nothing but trouble�. Apparently POSOM was supposedly surprised and annoyed with my lack of understanding. I mean he had to suffer through the inconvenience of extending his business trip, switching hotels so that he wouldn�t be seen with my wife by someone who knew him and his wife and airline hassles, sheeh.
A couple days later I was asked if going for the afternoon and evening was cool. I said that was fine. The rainy Friday arrives. I come home from work and she is preparing to go. As she is leaving I give her a hug and a kiss. I tell her, �enjoy yourself, you deserve it�. While going out the door she turns and says, �if it�s raining tonight I might stay there and come home in the morning�. This I think was around 3:00pm. She arrived home just after 11:30, looking really good. I was sitting on the couch watching TV with the kids; she sat next to me on the arm of the couch, gave me a kiss and put her arm around me.
Apparently, your plan WAS to give your body to the OM because your plan was to spend the night with him. You first proposed spending the weekend with him and that plan was foiled. When you were walking out the door, you suggested you might spend the night there.
So it is obvious you had hoped to spend the night with him and he had no commitment to you. He was committed to another woman so your words don't match your actions.
The story doesn't jive, my friend.
Trueform: In a previous post, you wrote "The night before I met him he did ask if I could spend the night." From your husband's account, you tried to arrange to spend the weekend with OM several days prior to your dinner date. So why did you lead us to believe that you and OM didn't discuss sleeping together until the night before your date?
Maybe you find it hard to believe my story and I would as well....You see, I was not going to give my body to this man without some proof of his real commitment to me. After all I had waited 20 some years for him to come back to me. But at the same time I knew that would take me to HELL. At the same time I was afraid to lose my family, my soul, myself. I was so lost. Running fast away from God's grace. God help me for being so lost in a fog of sin. My poor BH was mostly unaware of these complex emotions that surrounded his life.
These seeped their infection throughout my marriage.
Finally being completely free of any tie. The cord cut. The peace of grace. The warmth of complete openness and honestly. Giving my whole heart to my husband is all I desire.
Your story is unbelievable because it is obviously a
story rather than the truth. Your account is full of holes and contradictions. A trustworthy denial is usually first person/past tense/event specific. Your comments remind me of the saying "Liars always overstate their case." Instead of saying "I didn't" you say "I never" etc. I don't see how you can recover your marriage until you start giving straight answers.
The story is as crooked as a roach's leg and just as disgusting. I'm waiting to hear the results from the polygraph.
How do you define "sex"? Are you referring stricly to vaginal sexual intercourse but excluding other kinds of romantic/sexual physical contact? I'm afraid you have been denying "sex" because your definition of the term is so narrow that it excludes the kinds of contact you and OM may have engaged in.
I never looked for the OM he did not rule my every thought during my 17 years of marriage. But when I got that email from the OM I was completely lost in a world that overwhelmed everything in my life.
The post above
You see, I was not going to give my body to this man without some proof of his real commitment to me. After all I had waited 20 some years for him to come back to me.
and this posted below are so disjointed with each other, that my only thought is you have been a liar since the moment you got married, and your betrayed husband may never get the truth because you have been delusional for so long.
Your Betrayed husband was second best ... you waited 20 years for a man you thought should have been your husband. How many years have you fantisized and dreamt of this POSOM? I don't believe you when you tell us you didn't think about him much over 17 years. If it only took one email to throw you into "LURVE" that says to me you had this fantacy of this man thought up in your head since the moment you got married, and you kept him alive in your head all those years.
Your poor betrayed husband ... that was 20 years you spent giving some fantacy your intimacy. Can you see how dishonest you live? Can you see how you gave yourself away to a "false man" and gave your husband only crumbs. WOW!!!
Even when you were found out ... your fantacy crumbled to the ground ... you defended and protected this fantacy with trickle truth ... as if this story you kept alive for all these years was real.
I would sit down with your betrayed husband and do a radical honesty dump on him. You need to let him know each and every point in your marriage when you made him second best, when you put "fantacy POSOM" ahead of him. Your betrayed husband needs to know this lie you have kept alive for decades. It robbed him of the intimacy he deserved from his wife.
To think that you only kissed him ... when you waited for him for decades ... I wouldn't believe a word you said.
I was given a great gift in marring my husband I saw him as a very spiritual man. He was everything I wanted in a great husband and I knew he would be a great father. He saw me as a gift and is still acting that way even today even through all his pain that I have caused. In the very beginning of our marriage he desperately tried to have me see the truth in my past relationship with this Om. I resisted the truth that this man never loved me. Om only used me because I was there; that this Om had been free to marry me but choose another. I thought him cruel to say that, because I thought I could reserve that old relationship as my first love. What he saw was me and wanted all of me. What a gift he offered and I did not see it that way I thought him judgmental. This caused pain in his life in our marriage. We saw counselors that said he was jealous and obsessive. I believe my dear husband loved me so much he wanted all of me and was truly trying to protect me by helping me see the truth. My husband really was caring about my heart and soul. He cared so much He was so sensitive in a world that is hard and cruel. I did not protect his heart, his peace of mind. I have broken him because of my selfishness, my hardness. I did not care for his heart.
This good man, the man who married me, who wanted me, is still trying with everything in him to protect me. He even tried to protect me from all of you.
You are all right; I am a liar you saw right through me. The last 24 hours I told my Bh that I had a secret email, I took pictures of our kitchen, our yard, of me at our nephews� wedding (this was the first), that I said to the Om that if he would divorce his wife we could be together, that I went into the Om bedroom of the hotel room with the prospects of having sex after dinner.
I called this morning about taking a polygraph and gave the info. to my husband.
I have broken him because of my selfishness, my hardness. I did not care about his heart. I'm so worried that I have destroyed us.
I never looked for the OM he did not rule my every thought during my 17 years of marriage. But when I got that email from the OM I was completely lost in a world that overwhelmed everything in my life.
The post above
You see, I was not going to give my body to this man without some proof of his real commitment to me. After all I had waited 20 some years for him to come back to me.
and this posted below are so disjointed with each other, that my only thought is you have been a liar since the moment you got married, and your betrayed husband may never get the truth because you have been delusional for so long.
Your Betrayed husband was second best ... you waited 20 years for a man you thought should have been your husband. How many years have you fantisized and dreamt of this POSOM? I don't believe you when you tell us you didn't think about him much over 17 years. If it only took one email to throw you into "LURVE" that says to me you had this fantacy of this man thought up in your head since the moment you got married, and you kept him alive in your head all those years.
Your poor betrayed husband ... that was 20 years you spent giving some fantacy your intimacy. Can you see how dishonest you live? Can you see how you gave yourself away to a "false man" and gave your husband only crumbs. WOW!!!
Even when you were found out ... your fantacy crumbled to the ground ... you defended and protected this fantacy with trickle truth ... as if this story you kept alive for all these years was real.
I would sit down with your betrayed husband and do a radical honesty dump on him. You need to let him know each and every point in your marriage when you made him second best, when you put "fantacy POSOM" ahead of him. Your betrayed husband needs to know this lie you have kept alive for decades. It robbed him of the intimacy he deserved from his wife.
To think that you only kissed him ... when you waited for him for decades ... I wouldn't believe a word you said.
I was given a great gift in marring my husband I saw him as a very spiritual man. He was everything I wanted in a great husband and I knew he would be a great father. He saw me as a gift and is still acting that way even today even through all his pain that I have caused. In the very beginning of our marriage he desperately tried to have me see the truth in my past relationship with this Om. I resisted the truth that this man never loved me. Om only used me because I was there; that this Om had been free to marry me but choose another. I thought him cruel to say that, because I thought I could reserve that old relationship as my first love. What he saw was me and wanted all of me. What a gift he offered and I did not see it that way I thought him judgmental. This caused pain in his life in our marriage. We saw counselors that said he was jealous and obsessive. I believe my dear husband loved me so much he wanted all of me and was truly trying to protect me by helping me see the truth. My husband really was caring about my heart and soul. He cared so much He was so sensitive in a world that is hard and cruel. I did not protect his heart, his peace of mind. I have broken him because of my selfishness, my hardness. I did not care for his heart.
This good man, the man who married me, who wanted me, is still trying with everything in him to protect me. He even tried to protect me from all of you.
You are all right; I am a liar you saw right through me. The last 24 hours I told my Bh that I had a secret email, I took pictures of our kitchen, our yard, of me at our nephews� wedding (this was the first), that I said to the Om that if he would divorce his wife we could be together, that I went into the Om bedroom of the hotel room with the prospects of having sex after dinner.
I called this morning about taking a polygraph and gave the info. to my husband.
I have broken him because of my selfishness, my hardness. I did not care about his heart. I'm so worried that I have destroyed us.
true, you are afraid that you have destroyed his love for you. this is a selfish thought. you have just given your BH a gift: your honesty. no matter what happens now (and nothing is guaranteed - he may say it's over then change his mind [possibly many times], or even vice versa), you have done *something* right. make it the first of many.
I concur. I hope all goes well for you the truth is you have poor boundaries and compare other men to your husband when no such comparison should exist. Personally I think you had sex but the polygraph will rectify that. If you have read lovebusters you would understand that there's 3 kinds of liars and what type you are I suggest you buy it and do a polygraph even though your husband says no.
[We saw counselors that said he was jealous and obsessive. I believe my dear husband loved me so much he wanted all of me and was truly trying to protect me by helping me see the truth.
Do you understand WHY he was jealous and obsessive about this OM? It was because he knew the risk. And you didn't. His jealousy has been validated 1000%. It is tragic he was beaten up by counselors for his very accurate perceptions of a real risk to the marriage.
You are all right; I am a liar you saw right through me. The last 24 hours I told my Bh that I had a secret email, I took pictures of our kitchen, our yard, of me at our nephews� wedding (this was the first), that I said to the Om that if he would divorce his wife we could be together, that I went into the Om bedroom of the hotel room with the prospects of having sex after dinner.
What is the rest of the story?
Lady, we are nothing but anonymous people who either walked your walk or that of your husband. Your husband needs to hear about the dirty details of your hotel visits with your other guy. Let him tell you when he's heard enough.
When my wife got caught she told me that it was only oral sex on him then 24 hours later she confessed it included full on intercourse. The relief she felt that she didnt have to harbor more secrets made the subsequent days and months almost easy for her.
Although he knows you did plenty in those rooms, you saying what actually happened in there is a good start to recovery. However, it could go the other way but thats the magic of this thing, you living in a purgatory of secrets ends and possible recovery begins.
I went into the Om bedroom of the hotel room with the prospects of having sex after dinner.
You lied every time I asked about your physical contact with OM, offering false denials and insisting that you were not glossing over what happened in the hotel room. Why are you now pretending to be completely transparent and remorseful when you are
still withholding that information?
...I have broken him because of my selfishness, my hardness. I did not care about his heart. I'm so worried that I have destroyed us.
...I have broken him because of my selfishness, my hardness. I did not care about his heart. I'm so worried that I have destroyed us.
X2
My H trickle truthed for more than 2 years. Our marital recovery did not even begin until H became an honest man. Today, we are in a recovered marriage and are very much in love with each other. A passionate marriage is entirely possible, but cannot occur until the dishonesty stops.
You still have more to tell, don't you???? You are still dancing around the edges of the truth.
AM
She is afraid that her husband will say no and divorce her for being a skank with POSOM. That simple, she is robbing his right to choose by lying and once again thinking of only herself. I really think no poly will take place because she will be unwilling and knows how to BS her BH into doing what she wants. As someone said earlier lying is part of her life now and for some reason she isn't ready to fix this. She wants to cake it in a false recovery. Cause POSOM loves her, so she thinks. I don't think NC is established either. She is way too foggy and her husband wants to believe her poppycock story cause he loves her so much. This is evident from how easy the truth trickle out to people who don't even know her. Harsh but true.
You claim that you've finally seen the light and are now walking with God, as you continue to lie and manipulate. Do you have any idea how offensive that is?
Trueform. I truly hope you have thick skin to handle the 2 x 4's you are getting here and that you will recognize that you are truly deserving. As a BS I can tell you the LYING is waaaaaaaaaaay worse than the initial betrayal.
Your problem is that somehow you think you are unique, trying to make what you did seem not so bad. When you read SAA you will find you are no different to any other wayward spouse. If you did have sex with POSOM it is not a surprising thing to any of us here or to your BH. We can handle the truth. Might as well get it out now rather than months later hence the reason for the polygraph. Create a timeline of the affair and give ALL the gory details. When, where, what and for how long. Unless and until you get all the facts out, no one will believe a word out of your mouth, least of all your BH.
You see, I was not going to give my body to this man without some proof of his real commitment to me.
What type of commitment were you planning on offering OM? Were you going to blindside your dear BH and leave him?
You see, I was not going to give my body to this man without some proof of his real commitment to me.
What type of commitment were you planning on offering OM? Were you going to blindside your dear BH and leave him?
Yes, I was going to blind side my dear husband and marry this cheater.
You see, I was not going to give my body to this man without some proof of his real commitment to me.
What type of commitment were you planning on offering OM? Were you going to blindside your dear BH and leave him?
Yes, I was going to blind side my dear husband and marry this cheater.
And he's still gonna get blind sided......
right?
You are still making mistakes that you can't even fathom the level of destruction they will cause. You think you are protecting him by keeping the rest of the story from him, but you're only hurting him and your chances at recovery more.
We all know the whole truth isn't out there.
We all know it. One phrase keeps popping into my head: Death by a thousand cuts.
This is what you are doing to your BH. By revealing a little here, a little there, and then even a little more you are resetting his clock (and DDay) each and every time. Trickle truth is a true death knell to recovery from adultery. You are screwing the living hell out of yourself, and if you don't get your freakin' full blown confessional gameface on, there's not going to be anything left to save.
Ya' hearin' me???
I hope so,
because you are blowing it!
I went into the Om bedroom of the hotel room with the prospects of having sex after dinner.
You lied every time I asked about your physical contact with OM, offering false denials and insisting that you were not glossing over what happened in the hotel room. Why are you now pretending to be completely transparent and remorseful when you are
still withholding that information?
My intentions were go with how I felt.
While Om was in the bathroom I walked into the bedroom and stood by the window the Om came out of the bathroom and stood next to me. I asked him when he was leaving in the morning? The Om said early the airport is close. There was silent pause. Then I turned to him and said I have to call home and get going. We walked out of the bedroom. He called about the parking validation. We walked out of the suite.
While Om was in the bathroom I walked into the bedroom and stood by the window the Om came out of the bathroom and stood next to me. I asked him when he was leaving in the morning? The Om said early the airport is close. There was silent pause. Then I turned to him and said I have to call home and get going. We walked out of the bedroom. He called about the parking validation. We walked out of the suite.
You already told us that OM called for the parking validation when you were in the bathroom.
I want to caution posters about being disrespectful and hostile. I see many posts on this thread that are clearly hostile and it needs to stop now! Help this poster find solutions to her problems without being hostile and disrespectful.
While Om was in the bathroom I walked into the bedroom and stood by the window the Om came out of the bathroom and stood next to me. I asked him when he was leaving in the morning? The Om said early the airport is close. There was silent pause. Then I turned to him and said I have to call home and get going. We walked out of the bedroom. He called about the parking validation. We walked out of the suite.
You already told us that OM called for the parking validation when you were in the bathroom.
You are correct, that is because I never told my Bh that I was in the bedroom until yesterday.
TF,
If you had ANY empathy for the pain caused by trickle truth, you would not continue to inflict this huge pain on your husband and partner of so many years.
Tell ALL of it now.
AM
trueform, if you had sex, any kind of sex, with OM, just come out with it. you do no one, least of all yourself, any favours when you dance around the obvious. i tend to be a benefit of the doubt kinda person, and even i don't believe that you met OM in a hotel room and didn't do something.
by trickle truthing your H, you are pounding the nails into the coffin of your M. is that what you want? because that's what you're doing.
if you're going to be here, then woman up and start walking the walk. either you are going to start tolling the death knell of your husband and your M, or you are going to put on your big girl pants and start working.
now, are you gonna MB, or are you gonna throw it all away? my vote is MB - you are lucky enough to have a M to save. let's get on it already.
Adultery is not an unforgivable sin, Trueform. If God can forgive you, you can forgive yourself. You don't need to carry the burden of this secret around for the rest of your life. You can tell your husband everything and then provide him with what Dr. Harley terms "just compensation." If you need courage, remember Phillipians 4:13: "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."
Adultery is not an unforgivable sin, Trueform. If God can forgive you, you can forgive yourself.
Trueform, while it would be of great comfort to know that one's standing with the Big Guy is positive, the primary business of the site is to do what can be done to restore your acceptability to your BH. So pray all you want, go to confession, and make your peace with (big H) Him, but meanwhile you have a lot of other tasks to accomplish to satisfy (little h) him.
#1) THE ONLY THING THAT WILL SERVE YOU NOW IS TRUTH. BH is going to need the full story of what happened, going back however far it takes. You would be well advised, I think, to start typing it up, and editing to ensure there is no "candy coating" in your construction. If "kissing" is typed, you'd better be sure "tongue kissing" or "making out" were not more accurate. "Groping" must not be portrayed as "hugging".
#2) You will have to learn great humility and forbearance, friend. You've already seen some posters' anger through their postings, and the Moderators will do what they can to prevent abuse. However, the history of your dishonest approach to this board, which is here for your aid, will not work in your favor. When you feel that notes are unhelpful, maybe even hurtful, do not strike back, merely thank the poster for his opinion and move on. Look for the contributions from long time colleagues here, and understand that their only goals are to help you and LftS through the chaos and destruction you have caused.
Good Luck.
While Om was in the bathroom I walked into the bedroom and stood by the window the Om came out of the bathroom and stood next to me. I asked him when he was leaving in the morning? The Om said early the airport is close. There was silent pause. Then I turned to him and said I have to call home and get going. We walked out of the bedroom. He called about the parking validation. We walked out of the suite.
You already told us that OM called for the parking validation when you were in the bathroom.
You are correct, that is because I never told my Bh that I was in the bedroom until yesterday.
This is the problem you have said so many lies you can't remember them so that you can admit to them for your BH
Trickle truth must end today.
The whole truth and nothing but the truth.
Then have, no insist that your BH schedules a polygraph test.
This good man, the man who married me, who wanted me, is still trying with everything in him to protect me. He even tried to protect me from all of you.
You are all right; I am a liar you saw right through me.
You said you've been lying to us because your husband has been reading this thread, so you were trying to keep your posts consistent with the lies you've been telling him. You've been deceiving the posters who've been trying to help you. As a natural consequence, the posters have become upset with you. It seems like your husband tries to protect you from the natural consequences of your actions. I suspect that is part of the reason you avoid taking responsibility.
TF, your job is not to convince the other forum posters you are telling the truth. Your job is to
tell your BH the truth.I am a FWW. I received a lot of hard knocks when I arrived here. I had trickle-truthed my husband for 4 months after he discovered my adultery and my adulterous relationship ended. I often find myself wondering if I had just been honest from the get-go, could we have recovered? I thought I was "protecting" his feelings, but in reality I was only protecting my own selfish azz, because I believed he would leave me if he found out the truth. Lying to my husband simply compounded the damage I had done by cheating on him. I ended up taking a poly, but it was too little, too late for us. I wrote this to another poster in similar circumstances a while back:
Imagine you and your BH decide to remodel your house. There are things each of you don't like about it, ways that maybe the kitchen is not set up 'just right' to meet your needs. Perhaps there are parts of the house that have simply fallen into disrepair, and you want to restore it to its former glory.
So you begin your renovation projects. First you begin by tearing out all that is worn, outdated, or broken beyond repair. Then you begin to rebuild, taking time and effort to create something of beauty.
Your BH has left you the job of tearing up the carpet in the living room. When you pull the carpet up, you see that the floorboards are rotten. You know that it will take a lot of time and effort to repair it properly, because rot needs to be completely taken out and replaced with new material. You decide you don't want to take the time, and you make the decision - on your own - to simply lay the new carpet over the rotten floorboards. You think your BH will never find out.
Problem is, the rot spreads. It seeps through the new carpet and leaves stains. You shift the furniture around, move an area rug over in that corner, and smile happily. There, you think. All covered up.
You and your BH complete all your rebuilding and have a showplace of a home. It's gorgeous, everything you ever wanted.
What you failed to consider was that the rot started to smell. Your BH smelled it and became suspicious, and started investigating to find out what was causing the odor. He searched high and low, and finally, under the new carpet in the living room, covered by a rug and a piece of furniture, he finds the rotten floorboards. Now they are so rotten, the floor can barely hold weight.
In mere moments, the beautiful home you built, on a rotten foundation, is ripped to shreds. You have to tear out all the work that has been done because the damage is too severe. The cost of repairs is even greater than the original work, and your BH is crushed, that all his efforts were for nothing. His efforts were wasted because YOU decided what was "best" for your house.
Yes, he may leave you when he finds out the truth. My BH eventually did. He tried to stay, he tried to love me, but I did such a good job for four months of covering up the rot in our marriage that he can't believe there's no more rot there, somewhere.
It doesn't matter how your M was like, pre-A. Once you have an A, the old M is dead. You have to choose to rebuild it, and do it the right way. You have to give your BH the choice to decide whether to rebuild or not, to make a truly informed decision.
You cannot truly say you have repented from your sins, unless you demonstrate true remorse and repentance. You have a chance to do this, whether your M survives the truth or not.
Original
here. There are many similarities between our situations, including the title of your BH's post which is so eerily similar to my own STBXBH. And if you don't want to be referring to your BH as your "STBXBH" like me, I suggest you start pulling out all the stops NOW.
I can't speak to forgiveness, either Godly or self-forgiveness. I have asked God for His forgiveness, but the best I've been able to reach with myself is a sort of acceptance. It happened, I can't undo it...and my life, my daughters' lives, and the life of my husband are irrevocably changed. I don't have the forgiveness of my H, which was what I wanted most of all. I'm what they call a cautionary tale, hon.
Today my husband surprised me with a polygraph. Here are the questions, answers and results.
Q. Has Trueform every had sexual intercourse with any Om since your wedding day?
A. No
Q. Did Trueform have sexual contact with the OM on the night in question?
A. No
Q. Is LatefortheSky the only man Trueform wants to be married to?
A. Yes
The polygraph results are I told the truth.
Sweet now you two can move forward with recovery! Do you know what EPs are and the concept of JC. Please take time and read the site and learn this. Also keep in mind your husband is in charge of recovery. He decides the EPs and drives the bus in this aspect. POJA doesn't apply to subjects of your affair and recovery.
A polygraph can only test your memory of something that occurred in the past. The third question is not a legitimate polygraph question. A legitimate polygraph examiner would not have agreed to test that question. I'm afraid that calls the accuracy of your results into question.
It has been a very difficult week with all of you pushing, but somethings came out that needed to and all of you helped me.
Thank you!
My prayer is this gave my husband hope for our future.
Bravo, Trueform!
I never had sexual contact of any kind with the Om except hug & a Kiss. You all wanted a polygraph; now that it was done you don't believe it. I guess there is no winning here. This is not helpful.
I never had sexual contact of any kind with the Om except hug & a Kiss. You all wanted a polygraph; now that it was done you don't believe it. I guess there is no winning here. This is not helpful.
Hey, you answered my question to your BH on your thread, and frankly, I couldn't be happier!
Couldn't be happier to be wrong as your story simply didn't pass muster.
Doesn't happen around here often.
Trueform,
Good work, just your willingness to take the test goes a very long way to establish your credibility with your BH.
God Bless
Gamma
Well, TF, I'll support LftS's opinion that he has the information he required to accept that he now has the truth.
Now get to work on building an MB-based union!
good job on passing the poly.
Have you given your BH a list of your EPs?
What is your plan to meet his top ENs? What are his top ENs?
You said you kissed OM that night, so I'm not sure how you were able to answer "No" to the second question. Regardless, you and your H seem very happy with your results. Congrats!
Trueform,
You said in your first post that you and H were reading "Surviving an Affair". Have you filled out the questionnaires yet?
Schedule at least 20 hours a week meeting the critical emotional needs of affection, conversaton, recreational compantionship and sexual fulfillment. Your first post indicated that you and your H had trouble with conversation. It will get better. At first, my H and I talked about the weather and the dog. And our affection started out as holding hands while walking the dog.
AM
Are you going to be able to post your Extraordinary precautions by the morning?
The MC is very familiar with the MB program. He gave us the EN and LB months ago.
The only thing I asked was that the JPOA be signed for our protection.
I want our marriage to work but I also know that the JPOA goes both ways. My BH needs to understand some of my real fears that have plagued our marriage.
The MC is very familiar with the MB program. He gave us the EN and LB months ago.
That is a relief! Trueform, please read the post I posted to your husbands thread that focuses on Dr Harley's requirements for recovery. As long as you know the steps, you can be on the watch out in case the counselor misses a step.
And I would HIGHLY recommend that you tell the counselor about this book that Dr Harley wrote for counselors:
Effective Marriage Counseling
What EPs have you set up and given your BH?
I want our marriage to work but I also know that the JPOA goes both ways. My BH needs to understand some of my real fears that have plagued our marriage.
OH MY!!! May I suggest reading up on changing only "YOU" and cleaning up "YOUR" side of the fence first?
Your BH is in good hands ... we will take good care of him ... over on his thread that is!!!
TF, you do know that POJA doesn't apply to your recovery, right?! EPs and JC are his decision not a negotiation.
Any EP's and JC he might want to put in place to feel protected is what he needs,
I understand. My actions have caused him much pain.
The POJA is in the SAA book.
WalkingForward my husband has abused alcohol throughout our marriage. All I want is some protection for my children and myself. I thought long and hard about posting this info. on the first thread but though I should take the heat for what I did to cause him so much pain. That is why I wanted to talk about the POJA. Even now I am afraid of how he will react to me posting this info.
Please understand I want the best for my family.
He got the advice on his thread to clean up his side you should let him know respectfully that his drinking needs to stop.
Trueform,
The EPs should be a written list of very specific things you and he will do to affair-proof your marriage. It should include anything that made it possible for you to conduct a secret second life of the affair - transparency with email, telephone, etc; spending all nights together, etc.
What is your list of EPs? People on here have been asking for them for a few days.
If there are lovebusters in your marriage, start with the book "Lovebusters". Angry outbusts are one example of lovebusters. Independent behavior is another example. If either one exists, start there - AFTER LISTING THE EPs.
AM
AM
Any EP's and JC he might want to put in place to feel protected is what he needs,
I understand. My actions have caused him much pain.
The POJA is in the SAA book.
WalkingForward my husband has abused alcohol throughout our marriage. All I want is some protection for my children and myself. I thought long and hard about posting this info. on the first thread but though I should take the heat for what I did to cause him so much pain. That is why I wanted to talk about the POJA. Even now I am afraid of how he will react to me posting this info.
Please understand I want the best for my family.
I want to apologize for posting this it was very imprudent of me during this very emotional time. I would also like to thank my husband for his love and affection he has shown me; during this time of the greatest pain in his life. He has been spiritually strong and I want to make him proud.
Trueform, if your husband has a drinking problem, that is a HUGE PROBLEM that will be an obstacle to recovery. You did the right thing in telling us because no matter what we tell you to do, nothing would work if there is a drinking problem. Nothing.
First, the drinking problem has to be arrested. Do you realize that?
Trueform promises to follow the following EP's and repair my BH's broken heart.
Change cell phone number and give password & account access to your spouse.
Change email account.
Eliminate all social networking accounts.
Take a polygraph.
Give my spouse access to any banking/financial accounts, business and personal.
I will protect my spouse and their feelings above all else.
I will not participate in any one-on-one meetings with anyone of the opposite sex.
I will not discuss my personal marriage issues with anyone of the opposite sex.
I agree to use POJA as a basis for all decisions.
I will be open and honest with my spouse at all times about the past and present.
I will provide my spouse a daily schedule of all appointments and contact information.
If I need to make an adjustment to my schedule, I will notify my spouse of the change immediately.
I will make my spouse�s phone calls my highest priority by answering them or returning them immediately.
I will avoid all chat rooms, member sites, etc.
I will trade phones with my spouse at any time they request, NO questions asked.
I will leave my phone accessible to my spouse at night/or anytime I�m home.
I will commit to at least 15 hours of undivided attention with my spouse to meet each other�s ENs every week (time working together does not count toward those 15 hours).
If OM finds a way to make contact, I will immediately end the contact and notify my spouse about it immediately after.
I will install a keylogger, GPS, or any other tracking system my spouse may request.
Anytime I have the thought, �I don�t want my spouse to know about��.�, I will call my spouse immediately and tell them my thoughts.
Anything else my spouse wants as a boundary.
What is he doing for his drinking problem?
Good job on your EPs.
There is no current drinking problem and I do not anticipate one in the future.
Our focus is on recovery and reading the LB and HNHN books and starting the workbook.I have read LB and am reading HNHN. My H is reading LB.
I did a lot of clean out of all my clothes and got rid of 90% of all clothes and shoes in my closet. This step was very freeing for my BH and myself to let go of anything that might have been a trigger. I don't want anything that might be a reminder of that horrible time. Also we have been going through family pictures. This has been a help to my BH and we were able to see some great family pictures.
I have not posted or been on the forum to give my BH some space to post without him feeling like I was looking over his shoulder.
A couple of days ago my BH was talking to my DS and telling him how badly I hurt him and I started to feel defense and sad; then I stop myself and realized I have to take responsibility for the massive pain I have caused in my BH and children's lives. I don't mean to say I have never had this thought before I have for many months now, but it has a much deeper meaning now. I have been focusing on how would I feel if my BH had the A. What would I need from him. How would I want him to act and what would I want him to say.
I told my BH this thought and how I am so sorry for the pain I caused. I see how I let the POSOM into our lives to destroy us. My problem is I say the same things over and over again and they don't seem to relieve much of the pain my BH has.
I will do everything in my power to win my husband back. He is my one and only love. I so much want to bring a smile to his face.
Please help give me some advice.
I
Trueform, you have to understand that words mean nothing to people who have been lied to.
What have your actions been saying? What are you doing to show him you are sorry?
I have not posted or been on the forum to give my BH some space to post without him feeling like I was looking over his shoulder.
A couple of days ago my BH was talking to my DS and telling him how badly I hurt him and I started to feel defense and sad; then I stop myself and realized I have to take responsibility for the massive pain I have caused in my BH and children's lives. I don't mean to say I have never had this thought before I have for many months now, but it has a much deeper meaning now. I have been focusing on how would I feel if my BH had the A. What would I need from him. How would I want him to act and what would I want him to say.
I told my BH this thought and how I am so sorry for the pain I caused. I see how I let the POSOM into our lives to destroy us. My problem is I say the same things over and over again and they don't seem to relieve much of the pain my BH has.
I will do everything in my power to win my husband back. He is my one and only love. I so much want to bring a smile to his face.
Please help give me some advice.
I
What are HIS top EN?
What are you doing to meet those?
What has he told you He needs from you?
How much UA time are you getting?
You registered here Dec 2012.
I do not know when your dday was but it takes a second to take a cup and smash it.
It takes what seems as forever to find all the pieces then even more time figure which piece goes where and then more time to glue the pieces together.
Recovery is a 2 to 5 year job of hard work. Just because a WW is remorseful and is doing everything that has to be done to recover will not lessen the time needed to recover.
What would I need from him? How would I want him to act and what would I want him to say? Have you read HNHN? If not,
If so, did it strike you that there was NO correlation between the typical top five ENs of the genders?
Given that basis, how likely would it be that what you hypothetically might require as the BS would align with what he actually does want?
I accept your commitment to recovery, TF. I do think you need to sharpen your tactics and focus.
Ask him what he wants. If he cannot tell you, well, you're just going to have to bury him in EN satisfactions, and discover which gets you the most bang for your buck.
We often say here that the BS steers the recovery bus, but the WS has to supply the power. Start your engine!
My BH EN's are 1)H&O 2)SF 3)RC 4)AS
The UA time at least in the past has been spent on talking about the A. This still creeps in because I've hurt him so badly. Talks seems to be a little better, but not so much for him. He has expressed to me that it is difficult to work on EN's when he is hurting. Today we talked about spending more UA time and filling out the forms so it is planned time together.
SF: Sex is great unless UA time is spent talking about why I had the A and hurt feelings, the POSOM, etc. but most of the time really great.
RC: We both like football, track, and basketball I love watching all these sport with him or going to them. On Saturday we had a really nice time together at a track meet. We had some UA time out to lunch also.
AS: My BH I think would say I'm attractive but a 10 if I lose about 20lbs. so after reading HNHN I realize that I need to step up my working out and lose a few. This will make my BH soooo happy. I ran about 3 miles a day to lose lbs. during my A. So it is a real sore spot that I'm focusing on making amends.
I also believe actions speak louder then words so I'm very affectionate but he tells me he need words from my heart; maybe that more of EN of Admiration? After reading HNHN I really believe this is his #1 EN an honest admiration of his qualities.
Yes,NeverGuessed I realize that my EN's are different than his I think he used this association so I could empathizes with him.
I understand that recovery takes time. I continue to see more I need to do to help my BH feel love for me again. Prayer and work on my part is the action.
What do you think?
For AS if your going to run do it together that's an awesome UA time activity. Correct me if I am wrong but you took a poly and passed so STOP TALKING ABOUT THE A. Dr. H says if you keep bringing up the affair you and your BH will relive it over and over again. You messed up you took a poly, I would like to think your BH knows all aspects of the affair there is zero benefit in bringing it up. It definetly isn't UA time to discuss your bonehead decisions. UA time is to deposit love units and talking about the affair withdraws them from you and him.
Filling out the forms about RC can help you both find some good UA activities besides the ones listed. Broaden your plate to keep it fresh. Also how much UA time are you getting a week. Have you read surviving the affair, his needs her needs and lovebusters? If not read them together I think that is quality UA time as well. Go to church as well, unless its against your beliefs. Glad to see your posting as well. Honestly thought the harsh responses you got earlier would of turned you away. Be patient with him and he with you. Praying for your success.
For AS if your going to run do it together that's an awesome UA time activity. Correct me if I am wrong but you took a poly and passed so STOP TALKING ABOUT THE A. Dr. H says if you keep bringing up the affair you and your BH will relive it over and over again. You messed up you took a poly, I would like to think your BH knows all aspects of the affair there is zero benefit in bringing it up. It definetly isn't UA time to discuss your bonehead decisions. UA time is to deposit love units and talking about the affair withdraws them from you and him.
Filling out the forms about RC can help you both find some good UA activities besides the ones listed. Broaden your plate to keep it fresh. Also how much UA time are you getting a week. Have you read surviving the affair, his needs her needs and lovebusters? If not read them together I think that is quality UA time as well. Go to church as well, unless its against your beliefs. Glad to see your posting as well. Honestly thought the harsh responses you got earlier would of turned you away. Be patient with him and he with you. Praying for your success.
I would like to start walking after dinner with my BH I think this would be a little exercise and also some talking. I do the insanity workout out so I'm home when I workout.
Yes we do go to church Saturday morning just the two of us, Sunday with the kids. I'm not sure how much UA time we are really getting. I have the SSA, HNHN, LB books and just finished reading all of them. My BH is reading LB and has read SSA. We are planning on doing the workbook 5 steps to Romantic love. Of course when we talk about all the stuff in those books the focus will be on the A right? For example in LB's liers how I lied during the A and after to cover things up.
The harsh responses I got helped me take more responsibility for my choices. Thank you for the help.
TF, the key to UA time is that it should be mutually enjoyable. If you have UA time scheduled, but spend that time talking about the A, then it will withdraw love units from both of you. That said, it's still the elephant in the room. So, how do you deal with it?
Some suggestions are if your BH has lingering questions about the A, to schedule a block of time - say, 30 minutes or an hour - to discuss those. Do not make it part of your UA time. Another alternative is buy a notebook. When your BH has questions, triggers, thoughts, he writes them in the notebook and leaves it in a spot for you. You write your response, your thoughts, etc and then leave for him.
I took a poly as well, but you don't get those "why"/"how could you" answers from a poly. And while MB's explanation, that any of us are vulnerable to commit adultery, given the right conditions, is logical, it's perfectly natural for a BS to still question the why and how. I see it like this: my H trusted me, set me on a pedestal, set me apart. I was supposed to be different. It rang hollow to him that I committed adultery because of a perfect storm of p*ss-poor boundaries, unmet EN's, and allowing my EN's to be met by a person of the opposite sex - one who had a previous account in my LB$, to boot. I wasn't supposed to be like that...I was different.
Shame, I thought I was different, too.
AD is high on the list for many men. He especially needs to hear how you admire him after your A. AF came much easier to me than AD...but things like asking his advice can be AD, valuing his opinion, compliments (no fake gushy stuff, just be real - thank him for being a provider, notice things he does around the house or with the kids and compliment him)...complimenting him to third parties, like your girlfriends or family members. Instead of "husband bashing," talk about something wonderful he's done.
You've really got to "prime the pump," and there are going to be times it will be hard. You will get to the point where you know when your H is triggering...even though my H and I are separated because of my adultery, I still know when there is something bothering him. You are more fortunate that I in that hopefully, since you are working on recovery, that during those moments you can minister to his hurt. It doesn't have to mean you have an emotional holocaust of a discussion about the A. It could be something as simple as him letting you take his hand, and asking if there is anything you can do for him today.
I am having a very difficult time I can't seem to please my H! I am following the EP's and talking to him about everything. He tells me he hate the everyday usual stuff (like I went to the grocery store today)well I never really leave the house for anything else. He tells me that our marriage is what we should focus on and talk about, I am not avoiding that like I did before. I never wanted to talk about the A, just move on. He wants me to help him. I listen to him expressing the pain I caused him. I tell him I'm sorry, I will never hurt him again, I am committed to doing everything in my power to be honest, that I love him. I show him affection he doesn't want it.
He told me a couple of days ago he did not want to sleep with me at least that night because he does not want to deal with the images of me with other men, that I put in his mind.(that happened before I knew him and before I married him and he had that information before) the poly confirmed this. So the last few nights he has slept on the sofa. Last night I asked him if he would be coming to bed and I real want to have us sleep together, this was after a night of him expressing he has no love for me. I am sorry that I hurt him. He doesn't know what he wants to do. He says the door is closing he feels nothing for me. That I need to fight for my marriage like I fought to continue my A. That I was willing to lose everything even my soul. He is so resentful (which I understand) I am depressed because I am a disappointment to him, I know I have been.
He said "The reason he married me was because he thought I would be faithful to him and now that I was not he has nothing left to feel for me."
Last night I slept on the sofa next to him just to be close to him. I desperately want things to change I think all day long about what can I do to make him happy?
What can I do the help him?
What can I do the help him?
Ask him daily:
"Is there anything I can do for you today?"
Then, follow through.
If he answers "No." .... You respond "Let me know if you think of anything."
Read SAA aloud to each other.
Admire him.
I am afraid he will never be able to forgive me.
When was D-day? Please remind me.
And, by D-day I mean the date he knew the entire truth.
My BH posted this:
BH Late for the Sky
FWW Trueform
DD 15,DS's 20,18,12
Rolling DDay 1.8.12, 2.7.12, 3.6.12, 3.7.12, 1.20.13, ....
Married 21 years
EA 9/09 to 1/12
I had some really bad counsel from a priest that told me not to reveal any information. For a month he knew about an email, then about a month later in counseling with this priest I told him a little more, but not much. My H was extremely angry after that information came out; I left for a retreat house when I came home after 4 days my H was very much changed he was welcoming. I was only a little open and still getting bad counsel. A month later I give my H the cell phone records. A day later I found MB told my H I meet OM for dinner. We have countless time going over things but mostly him talking. Then I posted on here in Jan.2013. Some more details came out.
So can you understand that your BH just finally has all the information little over a month ago?
He needs you to drive the recovery bus. He needs just compensation from you.
Are you scheduling your UA time? How much are you getting?
...BH just finally has all the information little over a month ago...
...and suffered through a year of "...and...and...and...and..."
1) Not sure of the arithmetic here, but certainly the reduction of resentment cannot take one month if the period of increase in resentment took over a year!
2) Putting yourself in LftS's place, how comfortable should he be that he finally has the entire story? Waiting for the last shoe to drop while living under a family of octopi must be impossible.
3) You might have killed the marriage, TF. It happens; not all recoveries are reconciliations. The damage is so great the BS bleeds out despite the WS's efforts to stanch the wounds.
This is why trickle truth is horrendous. As kids we are taught to tell the truth and the outcome wouldn't be as bad. However, dishonesty magnifies the negative actions. We all know it but some reason people still do it. I pray that you can fix your marriage but understand if your BH doesn't want to fix it that is his choice. You should respect it. On the not so grim side, you should email the radio show. Dr. H has good methods on dealing with anger and resentment. You both should go on but only if your BH is willing. Remember God forgives, people don't.
Please listen to the radio clips on this thread.
Resentment Type A and Type BAlso here.
Email your questions to Joyce Harley at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com. When your email question is chosen to be answered on the radio show, you will be notified by email directing you to listen to the rebroadcast. If you would like to consider being a caller, include your telephone number. You will be called by us to explain the procedure to you. Every caller will receive a complementary book by Dr. Harley that addresses their question.
I wasn�t going to post to you as your story has brought back many bad memories from my FWW�s A and also..trickle truth and a FR. Unfortunately, I know exactly where your H is mentally and can totally relate to his pain.
However, I do see you have a wiliness to try to make things right so I thought I would offer my 2 cents for what it is worth for the benefit of you hopefully being able to be the source of his healing. I do this for him not you.
A dose of reality:
Your husband right now is in true misery. His heart has broken in two. Your actions and decisions have drained your LB account with him and most likely he has fallen completely out of love with you and I don�t blame him. Same thing happened to me. His whole world has collapsed around him and sees YOU as the source of his pain. Every time he looks at you he feels agony. He sees you as the reason for all of this.
Did he make mistakes in the M? I would almost guarantee it. That is not the point today.
The only way you stand a chance in even starting the R process is to let this situation breath by proving to him you are serious about helping him with his pain. How you do this is by first following the MB program by the letter of the law. Second, you are going to have to PROVE to him you are sincere in your efforts by most importantly not pushing him right now and settling into a mindset of extreme patience.
You are going to have to play your cards perfect if you are going to win him back. I don�t feel a bit sorry for you but I do feel the pain of your H. �You need to realize the extent of his pain to start to recognize the soft steps you are going to need to take.
This is NOT about you anymore. It is completely about him. He sees you as an extraordinarily selfish person and does not believe you have his best interest in mind. Eventually, he may decide to R and get serious about meeting your needs. That isn�t going to happen now..
Get SAA out now and plot your course step by step starting with EP�s. You are going to have to make massive effort step by step and expect nothing from him in return right now.
Get out a piece of paper..write down the details of the A including time tables. GET IT ALL OUT NOW. Hold nothing back. Sit him down and go over everything..every detail..let him ask you the questions he needs answers to and be 100% honest. period.
This is STEP 1.
Are you prepared to spend the next 2-5 years making this right?
If not, I say just let him go. Do not put him through one more day of misery unless you are ready to go the distance. You owe him that.
Expell the thoght from your mind today that you are going to protect yourself from the fallout of the A anymore.
Also, have you written NC letter to POSOM?
NC for life is what you have to do. Do not start the R unless you are serious about NC. Do not torture your H anymore.
You do realize what a POS a person is who would have an A with a M woman is..right? I hope you understand how A's happen..and that you chose to let him fill your LB..You do realize that anyone can fall in love with anyone if the conditions are right?
He was not your soul mate. He was your adultery partner. Nothing more.
Edit; The good news is that R after an A is not only possible but probable if your husband decides to participate and you follow MB program.
TF, this next part may very well seem like "piling on", but I think you need to look at yourself and your actions a great deal more severely.
It's finally dawning on you (maybe) of the damage your trickle-truth has caused your BH. If that were the only evidence of your lack of..courage? ownership? commitment?... it would be damaging enough. But it has been exacerbated by your actions HERE.
For post after post, the sage peers here were sure you were lying to us. US! We can't divorce you; we can't expose you; we, cannot demean you to your family and children! Yet you couldn't find the strength to tell us that the affair was so much more than emotional e-mails, or whatever! So to the one person you deceived for over four years, who quite probably has read this thread, how likely is it to be that now you have come absolutely clean to him who CAN do all those things in retribution?
You had better saddle up, my friend, and make repairing LftS your life's work, RIGHT NOW!
And each morning, wake up with a prayer on your lips that he is still there, giving you another day to attempt saving your union. Many, many, BHs would already be out the door.
My BH posted this:
BH Late for the Sky
FWW Trueform
DD 15,DS's 20,18,12
Rolling DDay 1.8.12, 2.7.12, 3.6.12, 3.7.12, 1.20.13, ....
Married 21 years
EA 9/09 to 1/12
I had some really bad counsel from a priest that told me not to reveal any information. For a month he knew about an email, then about a month later in counseling with this priest I told him a little more, but not much. My H was extremely angry after that information came out; I left for a retreat house when I came home after 4 days my H was very much changed he was welcoming. I was only a little open and still getting bad counsel. A month later I give my H the cell phone records. A day later I found MB told my H I meet OM for dinner. We have countless time going over things but mostly him talking. Then I posted on here in Jan.2013. Some more details came out.
My dear girl, you have no idea of the amount of damage all your *little lies* have caused.
Death by a thousand stab wounds.
A mountain of resentment.
Total destruction of trust.
Love bank robbery.
#1 You call around and find out how you are going to arrange your polygraph test. This is your homework assignment for now.
When you get at least 3 choices, you hand them over to your H and ask him to decide which one you will use.
YOU pay for this. You sell something if necessary.
Got it? No excuses. Any excuses will make you look like a big dope.
I am afraid he will never be able to forgive me.
Him forgiving you is not your BIG problem. Stop talking about that.
His love bank for you is, or will soon be empty.
That is your BIG problem.
MB does not describe a "forgiveness bank". MB describes the love bank.
When was D-day? Please remind me.
And, by D-day I mean the date he knew the entire truth.
My BH posted this:
BH Late for the Sky
FWW Trueform
DD 15,DS's 20,18,12
Rolling DDay 1.8.12, 2.7.12, 3.6.12, 3.7.12, 1.20.13, ....
Married 21 years
EA 9/09 to 1/12
I had some really bad counsel from a priest that told me not to reveal any information. For a month he knew about an email, then about a month later in counseling with this priest I told him a little more, but not much. My H was extremely angry after that information came out; I left for a retreat house when I came home after 4 days my H was very much changed he was welcoming. I was only a little open and still getting bad counsel. A month later I give my H the cell phone records. A day later I found MB told my H I meet OM for dinner. We have countless time going over things but mostly him talking. Then I posted on here in Jan.2013. Some more details came out.
TF, I am having a knee-jerk reaction to the way you answered Pep's question. Because it is vague which to me is a red flag.
What is the exact date that you told BH everything, every last detail? January 20?
TF, I am having a knee-jerk reaction to the way you answered Pep's question. Because it is vague which to me is a red flag.
What is the exact date that you told BH everything, every last detail? January 20?
Ditto.
Exactly why SHE needs to arrange for and pay for her own polygraph testing.
My BH EN's are 1)H&O 2)SF 3)RC 4)AS
The UA time at least in the past has been spent on talking about the A. This still creeps in because I've hurt him so badly. Talks seems to be a little better, but not so much for him. He has expressed to me that it is difficult to work on EN's when he is hurting. Today we talked about spending more UA time and filling out the forms so it is planned time together.
SF: Sex is great unless UA time is spent talking about why I had the A and hurt feelings, the POSOM, etc. but most of the time really great.
RC: We both like football, track, and basketball I love watching all these sport with him or going to them. On Saturday we had a really nice time together at a track meet. We had some UA time out to lunch also.
AS: My BH I think would say I'm attractive but a 10 if I lose about 20lbs. so after reading HNHN I realize that I need to step up my working out and lose a few. This will make my BH soooo happy. I ran about 3 miles a day to lose lbs. during my A. So it is a real sore spot that I'm focusing on making amends.
Again, a little bit of a red flag because you specifically address what you are doing to meet your BH's needs with the exception of O&H -- despite the fact that it is listed as BH's #1 need and despite the fact that you have a history of trickle truth.
Have you read the MB articles on this topic?
Do you think you are having trouble being O&H?
What have you done to improve in this area?
How are you better meeting this need?
TF, I am having a knee-jerk reaction to the way you answered Pep's question. Because it is vague which to me is a red flag.
What is the exact date that you told BH everything, every last detail? January 20?
Ditto.
Exactly why SHE needs to arrange for and pay for her own polygraph testing.
Trueform already passed a non-traditional polygraph ("non-traditional" because the polygraph examiner provided results for 3 different test questions, and 1 of those wasn't even a legitimate polygraph test question).
Oh. I'm officially confused.
Polygraph examiners usually recommend testing a single issue because the more issues tested, the less accurate the results. (This polygraph examiner tested 3 different issues.) Also, a polygraph is only valid when testing questions regarding a person's memory of something that occurred in the past. This polygraph examiner agreed to test a question which literally cannot be tested via polygraph (the third question). Also, Trueform said she kissed OM on the night in question, but the polygrapher did not detect deception when she answered "no" to the second question. (Trueform may have been excluding the kiss when she answered the question.) Here are the issues and responses from Trueform's polygraph:
Q. Has Trueform ever had sexual intercourse with any Om since your wedding day?
A. No
Q. Did Trueform have sexual contact with the OM on the night in question?
A. No
Q. Is LatefortheSky the only man Trueform wants to be married to?
A. Yes
My understanding is that Trueform and her husband (LatefortheSky) felt the polygraph proved that the details of her affair had been fully disclosed.
TF, I am having a knee-jerk reaction to the way you answered Pep's question. Because it is vague which to me is a red flag.
What is the exact date that you told BH everything, every last detail? January 20?
Ditto.
It looks like our suspicions were correct -- TF was being purposely vague because there was further contact after January 20 according to her BH's thread.
TF, it is VERY HARD for us to help you when you are being deceptive/not giving us all the information.
Had you told us that you had broken contact yet again we would have advised you to send a NC letter and helped you to fill in gap regarding EPs.
These are CRITICAL issues that need to be addressed moreso than a regular A because of the numerous broken NC and all of the trickle truth. I am not sure that you get that. Do you?
I also noticed that her husband said there was contact after Jan. 2012.
Both Trueform and her husband, LatefortheSky, got angry when I questioned the validity of their previous polygraph results. However, I still don't think those results were worth the paper they were written on. IMHO, Trueform should have a legitimate polygraph conducted by a certified professional.
The polygraph issue could be:
"Excluding the kiss Trueform already admitted to, has Trueform had sexual contact with anyone other than LatefortheSky since they've been married?"
* "Sexual contact" should be defined in advance.
Trueform: You previously explained that you knew your husband would be reading your thread, so you tried to answer questions in a way that was consistent with the story you'd told him. Although you already admitted that, you are still posting deceptive answers to questions. Why?
Sorry I have not been able to post for a while. We had a major water leak that affected just about every room in our home.
I spoke to the OM in Jan. of 2012 for the last time. I told him my husband knew of our contact and we should not have any communication again and that we may never talk again. I did text him not to reply to any text or email. That was 3/12. I told my husband about the 3/12 text a couple of weeks later.
I have not broken the NC since then. My BH has talked to the BS of the OM many times. He gave all of the info he had to her.
My BH and I have had more OH talks in the last few weeks then I think in our entire marriage. My Bh has been real great with his patience and love. He has gone up and down about if he wants to still be married to me. I have told him I am willing to do what ever it takes.
Regarding the poly this is exactly how the question was defined.
"Excluding the kiss Trueform already admitted to, has Trueform had sexual contact with anyone other than LatefortheSky since they've been married?"
* "Sexual contact" should be defined in advance. We spoke with the examiner for about 30-40mins defining all the questions. I had never taken a poly before. The examiner went over the results with my husband, he was able to see the results for himself.
We have been working to spend time together that is enjoyable not just talking about the A. This seemed to be a real struggle for my BH he just did want to spend the UA time he thought it was fake to try and be all nice when inside he wanted to scream or cry.
In the last 24hrs. my husband has made a commitment to our marriage and working with me to heal and get our marriage right. I am so blessed.
I spoke to the OM in Jan. of 2012 for the last time. I told him my husband knew of our contact and we should not have any communication again and that we may never talk again. I did text him not to reply to any text or email. That was 3/12. I told my husband about the 3/12 text a couple of weeks later.
You can't just try to sweep these broken NC's under the rug, Trueform. That's not going to work.
Putting aside the 3/12 broken NC (your BH said it was 2/9, so are you mistaken or did you break NC both of these dates?) , you broke NC on 1/20/13 according to your BH. I went back and checked and you were, in fact, posting on that very day.
The affair ended a year ago. You seemed regretful and remorseful for not only for the affair but for the trickle truth and additional unnecessary pain you have put your BH through. You didn't say a word about this contact to us, even though you are here posting for help.
What happened on 1/20/13?
I hope that you can appreciate that not only are we taking time out of our schedules and lives to try to help you, so it's pretty rude to waste our time making us dig for information that you should be open with -- but that for us BS's, that we are very sensitive about being lied to. Omitting information is being dishonest, Trueform, so I hope you will knock it off.
Back to 3/12 broken NC and your excuse that it was sent to tell OM not to respond to any message by you... You also need to be called out on this. You were advised regarding sending a NC letter -- even if you decided to do it in text form vs written letter, you knew that the protocol called for you BH's would approve what was written and you absolutely should have known that it wasn't to be sent in secret. That is completely absurd.
You posted that the EPs called for a change in your cell phone #. Obviously that isn't enough. What change in EPs are there going to be to ensure that you don't text OM again?
I had the date wrong the last text was 2/9/12.
I have had no contact of any kind since that date. I did change my cell number. I will never contact that Om again. I Know he is a POS.
I will not degrade my husband ever again. My BH has more honor and integrity in his right pinky finger, and deserves for me to love him and give him the respect he deserves.
I had the date wrong the last text was 2/9/12.
I have had no contact of any kind since that date. I did change my cell number. I will never contact that Om again. I Know he is a POS.
I will not degrade my husband ever again. My BH has more honor and integrity in his right pinky finger, and deserves for me to love him and give him the respect he deserves.
What did you say in your NC letter?
Please post it. Did you change your cell number then break NC?
Did your BH see and approve your NC letter?
I texted the last message and then changed my cell number on 2/9/12. This was the last contact in any form.
The NC letter:
I want you to know that out of respect and the love I have for my husband and my four children, I have come to the deep realization that I must never have any contact or see you again for the rest of my life. My relationship with you was a cruel and extremely selfish act that my husband did not deserve. I will never be able to completely repay the pain I caused my husband by my actions, I will pray and do everything in my power to become the wife he deserves. My love for my husband and my children are my greatest concern and I do not want to do anything that would harm their happiness in the future. I will never make any kind of contact with you again and ask that you respect that decision by never contacting me. I know we have not had contact for a year but felt this letter brings closure to our relationship which is necessary for our spouses� healing and honor they deserve.
God bless your family,
Yes I gave it to my husband for his approval.
I texted the last message and then changed my cell number on 2/9/12. This was the last contact in any form.
The NC letter:
I want you to know that out of respect and the love I have for my husband and my four children, I have come to the deep realization that I must never have any contact or see you again for the rest of my life. My relationship with you was a cruel and extremely selfish act that my husband did not deserve. I will never be able to completely repay the pain I caused my husband by my actions, I will pray and do everything in my power to become the wife he deserves. My love for my husband and my children are my greatest concern and I do not want to do anything that would harm their happiness in the future. I will never make any kind of contact with you again and ask that you respect that decision by never contacting me. I know we have not had contact for a year but felt this letter brings closure to our relationship which is necessary for our spouses� healing and honor they deserve.
God bless your family,
Yes I gave it to my husband for his approval.
WHEN did you send this? And WHY did you send it if you have not been in contact with the POS? HOW did you send it?
I am completely confused, trueform. Can you explain what you are doing?
I texted the last message and then changed my cell number on 2/9/12. This was the last contact in any form.
The NC letter:
I want you to know that out of respect and the love I have for my husband and my four children, I have come to the deep realization that I must never have any contact or see you again for the rest of my life. My relationship with you was a cruel and extremely selfish act that my husband did not deserve. I will never be able to completely repay the pain I caused my husband by my actions, I will pray and do everything in my power to become the wife he deserves. My love for my husband and my children are my greatest concern and I do not want to do anything that would harm their happiness in the future. I will never make any kind of contact with you again and ask that you respect that decision by never contacting me. I know we have not had contact for a year but felt this letter brings closure to our relationship which is necessary for our spouses� healing and honor they deserve.
God bless your family,
Yes I gave it to my husband for his approval.
WHEN did you send this? And WHY did you send it if you have not been in contact with the POS? HOW did you send it?
I had another post that I erased because I was completely confused myself.
I *think* she means she sent a secret NC text last year -- and that this NCL above is the one she just wrote and gave to her BH for his approval recently. But the way that she writes it is confusing so it would be great, TF, if you could clear this up.
When was D-day? Please remind me.
And, by D-day I mean the date he knew the entire truth.
My BH posted this:
BH Late for the Sky
FWW Trueform
DD 15,DS's 20,18,12
Rolling DDay 1.8.12, 2.7.12, 3.6.12, 3.7.12, 1.20.13, ....
Married 21 years
EA 9/09 to 1/12
I had some really bad counsel from a priest that told me not to reveal any information. For a month he knew about an email, then about a month later in counseling with this priest I told him a little more, but not much. My H was extremely angry after that information came out; I left for a retreat house when I came home after 4 days my H was very much changed he was welcoming. I was only a little open and still getting bad counsel. A month later I give my H the cell phone records. A day later I found MB told my H I meet OM for dinner. We have countless time going over things but mostly him talking. Then I posted on here in Jan.2013. Some more details came out.
TF, I am having a knee-jerk reaction to the way you answered Pep's question. Because it is vague which to me is a red flag.
What is the exact date that you told BH everything, every last detail? January 20?
You never answered this.
Is 1/20/2013 the date you told your BH every last detail about anything you may have been keeping from him?
Trueform: The most accurate polygraph exam tests a single issue. (The more issues tested, the less accurate the results.) Your examiner crammed 3 different issues into your polygraph exam. Moreover, your examiner only asked about sexual contact with OM during a single evening of your 3-year affair. Lastly, your examiner provided you with "results" for a question which cannot be accurately tested via polygraph. (A polygraph can only test questions regarding a person's memory. Question #3 does not test memory, so the "results" you were given for that question cannot be considered valid. You might as well have asked a Magic 8 ball if you were telling the truth.)
IMO, the reason you and LastefortheSky haven't been able to move forward is because you are still being deceptive, so you are still in a false recovery. I think it would be a really helpful if you took a legitimate polygraph exam from a certified professional.
I'm afraid Trueform hasn't provided a full-disclosure date because full disclosure still hasn't occurred.
I'm afraid Trueform hasn't provided a full-disclosure date because full disclosure still hasn't occurred.
She wants to know if/when she will be "forgiven" prior to full disclosure.
Wayward illogic.
Regarding the poly this is exactly how the question was defined. You previously posted the 3 issues that were tested during your polygraph, and none of them were the same as the issue I recommended (posted below in italics). Why did you imply that the issue I recommended was the same as one of your tested issues? That isn't even remotely true.
"Excluding the kiss Trueform already admitted to, has Trueform had sexual contact with anyone other than LatefortheSky since they've been married?"
* "Sexual contact" should be defined in advance.
We spoke with the examiner for about 30-40mins defining all the questions. I didn't suggest "defining all the questions"; I suggested defining the term "sexual contact" so you wouldn't have any wiggle room. Please stop convoluding things to avoid being held accountable for your own comments. And as I explained previously, a legitimate examiner would not have agreed to test the third question because it is not a valid polygraph question.I had never taken a poly before. That is irrelevant. The examiner went over the results with my husband, he was able to see the results for himself. The examiner provided your husband with results which cannot be considered valid. That "exam" was just a waste of money. Actually, it was worse than a waste of money because it enabled you to perpetuate yet another false recovery.
I wrote the NC letter as healing for my BH that I was serious about never having contact with the OM, you see about 7 months ago my BH asked me a hypothetical question.
"Would I promise to never contact the OM even if the OM's wife died and my BH died?"
Well 7 months ago I said I promise, but thought I can do what ever I want after you are dead. But as time has cleared my head I can answer yes I promise to that hypothetical question and see the wisdom in doing so. That is why I wrote the NC letter I gave it to my BH and told him about my thoughts, because I was serious about the NC and wanted him to understand just how serious. Because of the length of time and my BH talking to the OM's wife so much my BH never wanted any letter to be sent. I never sent a NC letter.
I gave my husband more details after 1/20/2013 about thoughts and feelings I had.
This weekend I was O&H about every sexual thing I have ever done in my past.
This morning my BH LatefortheSky posted about this RH and his feelings.
Before we dated I used to go to churches and give talks about my past and how Jesus' saves repent sinners. He attended one of those talks I was also very open on our first date about my past, I did not go into great detail but I was open. He now says he thinks he would have not have married me if he knew everything.
I have not manipulated my husband by lying by his own admission this past weekend he said he thought of me as a girlfriend after we were married because of my past that he never loved me like a wife.
This is all going off on a tangent sorry.
On his thread, I suggested TFT get from you a timeline starting at....I don't know - the first time you had sex?..... until now, of all the little secrets and dealings that he must now have knowledge of. Obviously, the interval of your plotting your re-attachment to POSOM - e-mails, texts, phone calls, etc - will be the highest points of interest. Anything else post-marriage will also be extremely pertinent.
I (personally, not sure where this stands in MB doctrine) do not give him license to be "shocked" or "dismayed" at anything that happened pre-marriage UNLESS HE ASKED YOU THEN, AND YOU LIED TO HIM! In other words, if he knew you were not as pure as driven snow, but left it at that, he cannot now get away with retroactively "un-proposing"!
Anyway, you should draw up that timeline for him, TF. And it need not be stressed that it must be brutally honest and complete.
I wrote the NC letter as healing for my BH that I was serious about never having contact with the OM, you see about 7 months ago my BH asked me a hypothetical question.
"Would I promise to never contact the OM even if the OM's wife died and my BH died?"
Well 7 months ago I said I promise, but thought I can do what ever I want after you are dead. But as time has cleared my head I can answer yes I promise to that hypothetical question and see the wisdom in doing so. You just wrote that you saw the wisdom in giving him that answer, which is not the same as saying you saw the wisdom in that answer. That is why I wrote the NC letter I gave it to my BH and told him about my thoughts, because I was serious about the NC and wanted him to understand just how serious. Because of the length of time and my BH talking to the OM's wife so much my BH never wanted any letter to be sent. I never sent a NC letter. You decided to reassure your husband by writing a NC letter with no intention of sending it to OM?
I gave my husband more details after 1/20/2013 about thoughts and feelings I had. You were asked to provide the date when full disclosure finally occurred, and you still haven't provided the date. Is that because it hasn't yet occurred?
This weekend I was O&H about every sexual thing I have ever done in my past.
This morning my BH LatefortheSky posted about this RH and his feelings.
Before we dated I used to go to churches and give talks about my past and how Jesus' saves repent sinners. He attended one of those talks I was also very open on our first date about my past, I did not go into great detail but I was open. He now says he thinks he would have not have married me if he knew everything. Again, I feel like you are deliberately convoluding the issues in order to avoid giving straight answers. I'm quite sure your husband did not say he expected you to disclose every detail of your sexual history on your first date.
I have not manipulated my husband by lying That is a blatant lie. You already admitted to manipulating him by lying about your affair. You even manipulated us by lying about your affair. Please stop. his own admission this past weekend he said he thought of me as a girlfriend after we were married because of my past that he never loved me like a wife. Whether he thought of you as a girlfriend has no relation to the fact that you've been manipulating him through lies--of omission and commission--since before you even married him.
This is all going off on a tangent sorry.
I wrote: But as time has cleared my head I can answer yes I promise to that hypothetical question and see the wisdom in doing so.
Yes I promise is what I said... then I handed my husband the NC letter and said he could send the NC letter. Then my BH came here to the board and talked about it, please check his tread.
My husband has all the information about the A.
The reason I wrote about our first date is because I was very open about my past. It wasn't until after he married me he wanted to know details.
The board helped bring out more details about the A. I am committed to telling the truth about everything and have told my husband everything. What is it that you think I am lying about?
I wrote: But as time has cleared my head I can answer yes I promise to that hypothetical question and see the wisdom in doing so.
Yes I promise is what I said... then I handed my husband the NC letter and said he could send the NC letter. Then my BH came here to the board and talked about it, please check his tread.
My husband has all the information about the A.
The reason I wrote about our first date is because I was very open about my past. It wasn't until after he married me he wanted to know details.
The board helped bring out more details about the A. I am committed to telling the truth about everything and have told my husband everything. What is it that you think I am lying about?
The board did not "help bring out more details about the A"; the board caught you in numerous lies, so you disclosed some more "trickle truth."
You still haven't answered the question that started this whole sequence of posts: On what date did you disclose everything?
I'll answer your question very directly: I don't think your husband is the only person you've had sexual contact with since you've been married.
If you were speaking from experiential memory, your story would not change each time you tell it. You've weaved quite a tangled web...
1/20/13 my BH had full disclosure.
My husband is the only man or person I have had any sexual contact with since I have been married.
You did not define sexual contact so I assume you meant had sex with or touched in any sexual manner.
The one time I met the OM I did hug the OM, held his hand and one kiss goodbye. These all took place in a public place. My husband has known this information for maybe 10 months. I hugged and kissed my husband in the same way to show my BH so he would know exactly what happened.
Still no answer to NG's timeline suggestion. Doesn't matter what you tell us it matter what your husband thinks. Does he feel your still lying? I'm sure he does! That's a big roadblock on your path to recovery.
Still no answer to NG's timeline suggestion. Doesn't matter what you tell us it matter what your husband thinks. Does he feel your still lying? I'm sure he does! That's a big roadblock on your path to recovery.
Trueform said 1/20/13 was the final d-day, but LatefortheSky's signature line (in italics below) suggests he isn't so sure about that:
_________________________
ME BS
FWW Trueform
DD 15,DS's 20,18,12
Rolling DDay 1.8.12, 2.7.12, 3.6.12, 3.7.12, 1.20.13, ....
Married 21 years
EA 9/09 to 1/12
I was also very open on our first date about my past, I did not go into great detail but I was open. He now says he thinks he would have not have married me if he knew everything.
I have not manipulated my husband by lying
Your husband's post (in italics below) contradicts your claim that you simply withheld details:
"Withholding information before we were married may seem OK to some folks but it is a very big deal for me. I asked some of these things straight up and was lied to. I should have been honestly answered when I asked about her previous boyfriend (a very friendly acquaintance of mine), instead of hearing the truth months after marriage....I should have been given the opportunity to sort things out before we took vows."You said more trickle truth came out last weekend, but you are now committed to being open and honest. So why are you still posting deceptive comments? I don't understand.
JessicaClaire,
I did withhold information about some sexual relationships I had in the past from my husband before we got married. I should have come to him and told him the whole truth before we got married. Things should have been sorted out first then he could have made a clear decision with full knowledge.
I pray everyday and work everyday to make some restitution because I can see the deep pain I have caused my husband. He has no peace I have ripped it from his life. I have promised and will continue to work everyday to meet his EN. But you can imagine he does not feel very much for me. I know he has cause to D me after my two half year A and then the tickle truth I put him through. We have been praying a lot. But his emotions are fried and he goes up and down because of what I did and how I handled not be truthful from Dday.
The last weekend tickle truth you were referring to above is historical RO, it was not more information about the A. Yes I am committed to being OH and will not post deceptive comment any more; I am sorry and thank you for pushing me to see what I was doing to all of you and more importantly to my husband.
Thanks for all the words of wisdom God keeps calling for surrender. Thanks for all the prayers as well. I am committed to being a christian and the foundation of following Christ is truth.
When you ask your BH what he needs from you. What does he say?
My husband needs OH in all things. Really letting go of myself and revealing myself to him.
He desires to know that I Love him only (HIS One and Only).
He wants me to schedule the UA time, this has been difficult a few of the times have been talking about painful emotions that he feels. So the UA time is strained and not the 15hrs. minimum needed. We do spend a lot of time together lunch every day, and every night, but with 4 kids in and out. The weekends and walks after dinner seam to be the best time.
SF He likes to have sex every night and I like to also.
AS I had been working out and losing weight.
These are same of the things he is saying.
Thanks for your questions I need your help because I desperately want to have peace return to my husband and his smile. He has a wonderful sense of humor and smile.
Update
Things have been a roller coaster ride of emotions for my BH I never know what kind of mood he will be in. I'm on eggs shells all the time. I am trying to be consistent in my mood, loving and positive that we can heal. We will make it. Loving him and working with no expectations. But him throwing me out is a scary thought.
I am committed to doing whatever it takes to help him heal. He seems filled with anger and tells me sometimes he struggles moment by moment with painful thoughts and then some hope. He has expressed that our marriage will never be good again. He�s not sure if he wants the POS leftovers.
I tell him I will win him back and our marriage will be better, that we can understand each other better and have a great marriage. He thinks I speak in platitudes.
Also he reads the board a lot; some of the recovering couples don�t seem all that recovered (his thoughts) and that fuels the doubt that we will ever be happy again.
On a good note we have had a few UA dates that went much better. I have made a UA time word doc. so we can fill it out once a week. He seemed happy with that. SF has been better for him just recently. What do you guys think? What is the next step to help us rebuild. I was reading and found this on the website.
Dr. Harley�s letter:
�But once apologies are made, a couple should move on to the business of rebuilding their relationship, and not dwell on the mistakes of their past. As much as you may want to talk about the affair or about any other mistake made, remember that every conversation on those subjects withdraw love units. And a Love Bank must first be overflowing with love units before you are in a position to waste any.�
The pain my husband feels is so great that seems impossible at times to move out of the past. I think the key is the UA time right? How many of the recovered couples talk with Steve or get help with the online program? I really love my husband and want him to be in love with me.
Any advice is appreciated. Thanks
I don't know where your husband is reading, but he might want to scan some of the success stories in this
thread.
As a BH, there are times when I find it almost impossible to stop thinking about the betrayal and have images of fww's SF with POSOM. I was also fed the trickle truth and it made things SO MUCH HARDER.
here are a few things that help when I start thinking of the affair
Isaiah 43:18-19
18 �Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.
19 See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland
Philippians 4:6-8
6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable�if anything is excellent or praiseworthy�think about such things
It sounds like he can't stop thinking about the betrayal, I get it 100%
Update
Things have been a roller coaster ride of emotions for my BH I never know what kind of mood he will be in. I'm on eggs shells all the time. I am trying to be consistent in my mood, loving and positive that we can heal. We will make it. Loving him and working with no expectations. But him throwing me out is a scary thought.
I am committed to doing whatever it takes to help him heal. He seems filled with anger and tells me sometimes he struggles moment by moment with painful thoughts and then some hope. He has expressed that our marriage will never be good again. He�s not sure if he wants the POS leftovers.
I tell him I will win him back and our marriage will be better, that we can understand each other better and have a great marriage. He thinks I speak in platitudes.
Also he reads the board a lot; some of the recovering couples don�t seem all that recovered (his thoughts) and that fuels the doubt that we will ever be happy again.
On a good note we have had a few UA dates that went much better. I have made a UA time word doc. so we can fill it out once a week. He seemed happy with that. SF has been better for him just recently. What do you guys think? What is the next step to help us rebuild. I was reading and found this on the website.
Dr. Harley�s letter:
�But once apologies are made, a couple should move on to the business of rebuilding their relationship, and not dwell on the mistakes of their past. As much as you may want to talk about the affair or about any other mistake made, remember that every conversation on those subjects withdraw love units. And a Love Bank must first be overflowing with love units before you are in a position to waste any.�
The pain my husband feels is so great that seems impossible at times to move out of the past. I think the key is the UA time right? How many of the recovered couples talk with Steve or get help with the online program? I really love my husband and want him to be in love with me.
Any advice is appreciated. Thanks
As a BH myself, I can totally see his point. I'm 3 1/2 months out from D-Day and there are times where I can't stop seeing POSOM with her. I have dreams, wake up in a cold sweat, go out to the couch and cry and then go through my day pretty numb.
We had sex the other night for the first time since D-Day. I wont even go into the images that went thru my head the whole time and how difficult that was.
The thing that I need most from WW is for her to show my heart the care that it needs to heal from the damage that she caused. Find out what your H needs and then move mountains to make it happen. Most of all, don't pressure him to "get-over-it" cause that will get yout the boot quicker than anything.
I�m so sorry you are going though some of the same pain and hurt as my BH. I have never seen this amount of continuous hurt in anyone in my life. I know I have caused this pain and suffering through my selfishness, it is difficult to face. So I can�t imagine how it must feel. I see it and hear this pain everyday in my husband's face and words. I desperately want him to find peace in my words and actions.
I have searched through prayer and have found help in total surrender to God as an answer. Forgiveness and committing to completely turning away from sin and turning to God has brought some peace to me; but real peace in our marriage will only happen when my husband has peace. How to heal the broke heart is complex after what I did to my BH; this is my daily fight that I�m committed to helping heal my husband.
Thanks for all the prayers and helpful comments.
TF, the hard part is that the pain is caused by the person we love the most. The harder course is to try to reconcile the marriage as we are choosing to stay near the person who caused the pain. But the key to "getting over it" is time and actively getting your mind to NOT dwell on the affair. It is hard, satan would love for us to think about it all day long and cause more strife. Your husband can't give satan the satisfaction.
One of the hardest things to do is figure out how to meet his need for that care if he may not be able (or want) to tell you right now. The best thing that you can do for him is spend as much UA time as possible and ask him about things that seem "off". If you hold his hand, ask him if thats ok, if you snuggle with him, ask him if thats ok. Show him that you care about what he needs and that you're not just charging in with the shotgun approach (pull the trigger and see what happens). Do you make his lunch? Put little notes in there that simply say I love you today.
I read a book one time that said the thing men want most is respect. That may/may not be true of all men, but I think its true of most. When a WW cheats, its the highest form of disrespect. Try to find ways to show him your respect. Ask his opinion/advise of things and follow it (if its reasonable). Talk about things that he likes to talk about and really listen. Repairing the damage caused by an affair is time consuming but not really difficult. The MB plan is a way to add surgical precision to your efforts and based on the stories that we all read on this forum, it's the only one that really works. Have you ever gone thru other peoples stories and read that after their sppouses first affair they used the XYZ plan and that worked great but this time they want to try MB? No, because other plans aren't built to build marriages like MB.
Dont give up as long as he's still willing to reconcile. It's a long haul but in the end, you'll be a better person regardless of the outcome from this.
At 15 months into R, I have to remind myself daily that this is a marathon not a race.
My FWW is doing everything within her abilities to right the wrong. She is trying her best. Hard? Very hard, yes.
Being cognizant of reality is very powerful indeed. Your reality, as is mine is that it takes 2-5 years to recover from an A.
Keeping my eyes on the prize (a fully recovered, amazing M in which we are both safe and also have our EN�s filled..and madly in love with each other) helps me through the days.
Most likely your BH will go through MANY ups and downs. You must be patient with him and let him feel his feelings while you support him with love, understanding and PATIENCE. Be PREPARED for bad days. Know that they will pass. I am sure you have seen this for yourself.
We try to seize the good days and just make it through the bad ones. See, he doesn�t feel safe with you. He is afraid that if he opens his heart, you will hurt him again. I get it. I feel the same way.
By reassuring him daily, hourly..whatever he needs will help him gain confidence that you are not going to hurt him again.
You are redefining yourself to him. You are not who he thought he married and it is your job to prove to him you can live an honest life.
By following the MB program to the T, you will give yourself the best chance to R. Any guarantees? Heck no. I would imagine you both have your own fears. That is totally normal.
Stay the course! What are your other options?
The past few weeks Latefor the sky is so frustrated and resentful that I broke our marriage and it will never be the same. I tell him we can have a better marriage we know more about how love each other. We can make things new. I work for the UA time but he does want to spend the time do something fun because I have not been able to make things better, to give him some peace with my words. I admit I�m quite at times, when I do say something it never seems to be what he wants or needs. His patience is running out. I've put him though so much pain. He says I�m not listening to what he�s telling me that if I loved him I would know what to say to repair him. God help me to find the correct words of comfort. I say I�m so sorry for hurting him and will everyday, I promise to love him and always considered his feelings, I have his back; I will do whatever it takes to create a great marriage. He is my one true love. I pray every day for peace, love and mercy.
I believe the key is the UA time but how do I get him into it. Sunday we had our date I tried to start some light conversation with him he did not respond, doesn�t want to talk about bs when he needs his broken heart filled with kisses. (my term) I understand but continuously talking about the A during that time is not part of the MB plan right? The UA time is time to build happy memories and bring closer us together.