These are the defects for marriages between the spouse and the OP.
1)
The intervention of Reality: Divorce in these marriages tends to take place very early in the marriage. During th affair, the infidel and perhaps the affairee are in a state of intensely stimulating unreality. The second marriage itself seems to be a switch that throws the lights on and illuminates the mess that has accumulated. It is as if the romance had seemed real, while the divorce didnt. Only after the remarriage did the divorce become real enough for the lovers to see that it was all a horrible mistake. The affairs that become marriages typically were so intense they were never questioned at all. During the divorce, reality never set in sufficiently to let the romance be evaluated and questioned. The romance was so romantic on one ever got around to asking if it was sane.
My EWH affairaged with PP on 10-10-10 (oh how cute) in Vegas of course. He rushed into this to prove to the world that this was the right thing to do. he even invited a few coworkers to attend (they didn't) which was awkward for everyone since we all work for the same company ...still 2)
Guilt.. People who have wrecked a family have inflicted much pain, and they have a lot they could feel guilty about. As reality sets in, they see many things they were overlooking. They may have felt no guilt during the affair and divorce, and the guilt they feel after the romantic marriage may come as a suprise to both of them. It is generally assumed that people who dont permit themselves to be happy must be feeling guilty about somethingm and are unhappy as a way of punishing themselves for their misdeeds. One aspect of guilt is the rluctance to enjoy ones ill-gotten gains. Another aspect of guilt is the urge to return to the scene of the crime and in some way make amends. As a romantic newlywed resists the joys of the ex-mate who was deserted so blitheyly, the new mate can feel disoriented and betrayed.
The blush is off the rose. XH does not see his adult DDs, or any of our family or speak to anyone. it is because he knows he is guilty that he avoids the world 3)
Disparity of sacrifice... Divorces are expensive luxuries. Whatever the financial cost, the emotional cost is far greater. Anyone after losing that much, will be drained, exhausted and depressed. It is particularly difficult when the exhausted survivor of a debilitating divorce marries the triumphant winner of the struggle. If the romantic partner is marrying for the first time, and especially if the courtship has been treacherous and insecure, the new mate will be ecstatic. A new couple may feel a disparity in what had to be sacrificed to bring them together. The partner who has never been divorced may have difficulty understanding the complexity of emotions toward the previous family.
XH went bankrupt (my fault of course), takes at least 2 to 3 trips to Vegas every year to keep the affairage partner happy and show the world they are happy, he lost his house, finances, property lot (which I have have) Life is good if you are a wayward but I think they just try and prove it to themselves because no one thinks otherwise. It is all a sham. 4)
Expectations.. Then there is the feeling that anything that cost this much emotionally had damn well better be worth it. The greater the sacrifices, the greater the expectations from the new marriage. Now that the promised land has been reached, it should flow with milk and honey. But instead, the new couple are just 2 tired warriors with no fight left in them. Whatever these people were expecting, the best they are likey to find now is the ordinariness of real life, the dubious peace between glorious battles. The more people enjoy the battles involved in wrecking and escaping marriages, the less they are likely to enjoy the business as usual of the new marriage that was the destination of it all.
[color:#FF0000} After 2 years of affairage this is what they are feeling now. They are not special, she is an ordinary 3x M cheater and you threw away your life for. He aged at least 10 years and is bloated and sickly (from the drinking). If this is your exciting life you are the only one who sees it. [/color]
5)
General Distrust of Marriage.. Of course, anyone who has been unhappily married is likely to develop a strong distrust of the institution of marriage. People whose marriages fell apart during affairs are likey to end up distrusting marriages rather than distrusting affaris. People who distrust marriage have a vey hard time being in one.
[color:#FF0000] if they cheated with you they will cheat on you. She is very jealous and insecure � how is that going for ya? [/color]
6)
Distrust of affairee..It might seem appropriate for someone to go out with them, or even to marry them, but not quite appropriate for someone to have an affair with them. Affairs are considered dishonerable acts, and people who feel guilty for having affairs believe that they are dishonorable and their partner must be dishonorable too.
They are on the same level as pond scum. Since we all still work here out of maybe 100 people scattered through a military installation it is interesting when new people start and ask why there are 3 �same names� so I say I was the marriage and PP was the affairage. I have nothing to hide. 7)
Divided Loyalties..During the affair tnd the divorce, the romantic couple isolate themselves. It is not only the betrayed spouses who are erased from awareness, but also the children, the families, friends, anyone who attempts to pull the romantic couple from the quicksand of their affair. But after the remarriage, there may be a longing to reestablish connections with families and friends and this may be more difficult than expected. Each close relationship and some that were amazingly casual may have to be renegotiated in view of the hurt caused to others.
XH gave up everyone. He blames me for his DD not wanting to see him. Maybe he should have tried but because of his own guilt he avoids. Very typical. In the last 4 years he has seen DD19 maybe 6 times..He missed her sweet 16 party, at graduation from high school he sat in the nosebleed seat my himself, every major event in her life. PP only wants him involved in her family. I can see the cracks happening. He has drunk dialed/text our DD a few times about seeing him and slurred messages telling her he loves her. I think he is starting to realize that everything will not be �fine��you know the mind of a wayward to convince himself everyone will be just �fine� 8)
The nature of infidels.... People who get themselves into affairs have some specific characteristics that must influence the course of their subsequent marriages. Each kind of infidel is different. Most of those who end up marrying an affair partner are romatics who drift hypnotically through this romantic high without taking much responsibility. Romantic remarriage seldom works, not only because of th unrealistic nature of romance, but also because of the reality-avoiding nature of romantics.
They are both bringing their damaged concepts to this �romantic disaster� based on fantasy. 9)
The nature of affairees.... Affairees want whatever they want from a relationship, jsut as everyone else does, but what makes them unusual is that they seek their goals among the married rather than the single. They choose partners who are not in position to marry them, and who are engaging in the relationship at great risk. People like this are clearly angry with marriage, and perhaps with the opposite sex. They believe marriage doesnt work, and they demonstrate that by breaking up another marriage as they find a partner for themselves.
PP never wanted to remarry but did because she was in �love� and it just happened. Of course she never broke up the M and had nothing to do with it. Wink wink 10)
Romance.. People who believe in the chemistry of romance dont bother to learn much about the physics of relationships. When the romance begins to fade, romantics know little about how to solve those problems that they have relied on romance to transcend. It is painful to watch a romantic relationship dissolve. It happens so suddenly, and so totally. These people have already demonstrated that they would rather get divorced than learn physics, so it is far easier for them to follow the same pattern.
It is unfortunate that they affairaged because I think they feel they are stuck and will stay together. PP is older and can�t find another sugar daddy. They look like 2 miserable people.. 11)
Scapegoating of cuckolds... During the affair and divorce, the romantic couple conspired to convince each other that the defective marriage was the fault of the cuckold. To acknowledge otherwise, now that remarriage has taken place, seems a betrayal of the rescue fantasies that fed the romance.
XH rescued PP and she thought he was her hero. (he was her boss and she was just a lousy employee. It was a high for her to do what she wanted because she was sleeping with her boss. Well he was demoted and they work together and then go home together. That has got to be exciting and romantic. NOT. 12)
Unshared history... Even if the new marriage survives all of these obstacles, there is one further characteristic of all second marriages: The absence of a shared history that brings familiarity torelationships that began earlier in life. If a romantic marriage has wrecked a previous marriage or two, the history of the relationship is painful to both partners, and possibly somewhat embarrasing to others. The new partners keep thinking about it and justifying it, but it is hard to talk about lightly, in the familiar, safe manner of people who can tell their old war stories without guilt. However intense their commitment, people who share a guilty past arent totally proud of their new marriage.
We have 25 years of dating and M. Not something you could easily wipe out. How will they tell their story to her grandkids? It will be a lie like this whole A. They can�t even get away from it at work because everyone knows what happened and they can�t sugar coat it because I will be happy to correct anybody on some story they spin. I am just waiting for the day to pull up my chair, get a bag of popcorn and watch the show when they implode. I can�t see them being one of the 3% LINK to "Gift to unfaithful lurkers" thread 
Don't dwell on this stuff...it gets you nowhere.
