My Sitch: My wife and I are 24 y/o and were married for 3 years, together for 5. Our relationship was very good, and all of our friends and family would tell us how perfect we were together.
Then about a month ago, her ex-bf moved back to town and she started texting him and then invited him over to catch up one day. I was slightly apprehensive, but I also didn't want to be an insecure/controlling husband and say 'NO, NEVER'. I now know that this was actually what I should have done especially since... *sigh* the last time he was coming back to town (before we were married) we actually talked about how she didn't know what would happen when he came back and that she might still have feelings for him. /facepalm
When he came back the first time, she realized he wasn't the same and we stayed together and all that blew over and we would even joke about it. So this most recent time he came over, the 3 of us all hung out together and everything was pretty alright.
Well I guess that sparked something (obviously) and my W told me that they had kissed when I wasn't there and that she was now 'confused'. We took a few days apart, and then she said she needed to be with him. It was terribly sad, but then the next day she came back and said she had made a mistake.
We stayed together for a couple weeks - kind of a Plan A thing, I guess - and things were a bit better, but it was still awkward. She kept texting him and they were 'just friends' now, but she all of a sudden wanted to be left alone a lot more than usual. I was less naive this time, so one day when she came home, I confronted her and said that if she truly wanted to be with me she wouldn't be texting him. She agreed to not text him while we were working things out, but once we got talking, I realized she didn't even want to try with the marriage, so I told her that she needs to just be with OM.
Also while talking, we agreed that we had slightly become roommates and that we didn't have sex as often as we should be (probably about 1-2 times every 2 weeks). That seemed to be the only marriage problem that we could think of.
After that, I packed my bags and left the house (my choice). She did seem very remorseful and apologized for the feelings she has. We've only been separated for about 10 days, but I was just wondering what advice anybody had for me regarding what my next move should be or what kind of chance do we have of reconciling?
This is the longest thing I've ever posted anywhere, so thanks for reading!
My Sitch: My wife and I are 24 y/o and were married for 3 years, together for 5. Our relationship was very good, and all of our friends and family would tell us how perfect we were together.
Then about a month ago, her ex-bf moved back to town and she started texting him and then invited him over to catch up one day. I was slightly apprehensive, but I also didn't want to be an insecure/controlling husband and say 'NO, NEVER'. I now know that this was actually what I should have done especially since... *sigh* the last time he was coming back to town (before we were married) we actually talked about how she didn't know what would happen when he came back and that she might still have feelings for him. /facepalm
When he came back the first time, she realized he wasn't the same and we stayed together and all that blew over and we would even joke about it. So this most recent time he came over, the 3 of us all hung out together and everything was pretty alright.
Well I guess that sparked something (obviously) and my W told me that they had kissed when I wasn't there and that she was now 'confused'. We took a few days apart, and then she said she needed to be with him. It was terribly sad, but then the next day she came back and said she had made a mistake.
We stayed together for a couple weeks - kind of a Plan A thing, I guess - and things were a bit better, but it was still awkward. She kept texting him and they were 'just friends' now, but she all of a sudden wanted to be left alone a lot more than usual. I was less naive this time, so one day when she came home, I confronted her and said that if she truly wanted to be with me she wouldn't be texting him. She agreed to not text him while we were working things out, but once we got talking, I realized she didn't even want to try with the marriage, so I told her that she needs to just be with OM.
Also while talking, we agreed that we had slightly become roommates and that we didn't have sex as often as we should be (probably about 1-2 times every 2 weeks). That seemed to be the only marriage problem that we could think of.
After that, I packed my bags and left the house (my choice). She did seem very remorseful and apologized for the feelings she has. We've only been separated for about 10 days, but I was just wondering what advice anybody had for me regarding what my next move should be or what kind of chance do we have of reconciling?
This is the longest thing I've ever posted anywhere, so thanks for reading!
You are both young. No children and a short marriage. Your wife is already cheating on you after such a short time. I would suggest you divorce and find a more suitable spouse using MB principles.
We have animals, does that count? It just felt like we actually had an excellent base for our life together, but you're right that if she's cheating now, who knows what we'll have to go through in the future.
We have animals, does that count? It just felt like we actually had an excellent base for our life together, but you're right that if she's cheating now, who knows what we'll have to go through in the future.
We have animals, does that count? It just felt like we actually had an excellent base for our life together, but you're right that if she's cheating now, who knows what we'll have to go through in the future.
CC, welcome to Marriage Builders. I'm sorry you've had to find your way here.
I'm going to agree with the other posters: you haven't been married long, or even been together for long. And you are both very young. She has proven herself incapable of staying the marital course for even the short run. Cut your losses and file for divorce.
Yes, I'm familiar with those links and the Plan A/B thing. I'm familiar with all of this SINCE the separation, though. We innocently thought that our marriage was actually better than most and that we didn't have to work on anything. We were best friends, had communication, financially secure (bought a house together), and showed affection. I think our sex life could have used some attention, but I don't think going off with her ex was the best solution to that.
That's why I thought that maybe we had a decent chance of reconciling, because we had awesome communication and rarely any disagreements, instead of it just being labelled 'young love'. In the end, I know either way it will be for the best. I'm just mostly sad that I don't have my best friend anymore.
Well, you and she PROBABLY will end up divorcing, but.....
Do you want to go out on YOUR terms, with WW feeling like the trollop she has proven herself to be, instead of you mourning the loss of your purported "best friend"??
1 - EXPOSE HER INFIDELITY to her entire world - her parents, her siblings, her friends, her sorority sisters, her clergy, her hairdresser. Make it very simple: "WW has recently abandoned her marital vows to chase after POSOM. I would consider reconciling, if she sees the error of her actions, and would ask you to use your influence with her to make those errors plain!"
2 - EXPOSE TO POSOM'S WORLD as well. Don't be so polite with the accompanying note.
3 - MOVE BACK HOME (your choice). Do not forewarn her, just walk through the front door and into YOUR bedroom.
Live by NG's Corollary: Do not suffer ulcers; inflict them!
That's why I thought that maybe we had a decent chance of reconciling, because we had awesome communication and rarely any disagreements, instead of it just being labelled 'young love'.
The reason people are giving you this advice...
Recovery is a VERY hard road (2-5 years). Children and a good long marital history are great motivators for both parties -- the WS to make radical changes and the BS to work through the triggers and the betrayal. You don't have EITHER of those motivators to push you through here.
That being said, you can take the path that gives you BOTH options (recovery or divorce) and decide later. You don't have to decide now! I would agree with NG and go forward with exposure.
Well, you and she PROBABLY will end up divorcing, but.....
Do you want to go out on YOUR terms, with WW feeling like the trollop she has proven herself to be, instead of you mourning the loss of your purported "best friend"??
1 - EXPOSE HER INFIDELITY to her entire world - her parents, her siblings, her friends, her sorority sisters, her clergy, her hairdresser. Make it very simple: "WW has recently abandoned her marital vows to chase after POSOM. I would consider reconciling, if she sees the error of her actions, and would ask you to use your influence with her to make those errors plain!"
2 - EXPOSE TO POSOM'S WORLD as well. Don't be so polite with the accompanying note.
3 - MOVE BACK HOME (your choice). Do not forewarn her, just walk through the front door and into YOUR bedroom.
Live by NG's Corollary: Do not suffer ulcers; inflict them!
I'm with NG on this. IF you want to save your marriage, this MIGHT help. In any event, I agree with exposing the affair. Exposure will serve notice to everyone in your WW's life that she is betraying your marriage. If you don't expose, you will give her the ability to explain to everyone that the two of you 'just really didn't get along' - or, 'you married too young', or 'CC doesn't know how to meet my needs'.
I agree. Expose the affair. And get back into your house and marital bed.
Don't give up without firing a shot. I'm sorry I suggested otherwise earlier.
Thanks NeverGuessed, I will definitely consider this!
SusieQ,
Bf is not married (he is also unemployed, so that's nice). As for exposure: my family knows, her family knows, (she works for her dad, so her employer know), most of the people at her work know, and my friends know. Everybody I've talked to couldn't believe she could do this and thought that everything was going so well for us. Her brother is SUPER on my side and said he reminds her daily that she's never going to find anybody like me again and that she's being selfish. I can tell that's how everybody else feels, even though they might not being actively rejecting her decision.
I was just thrown into a bout of denial since everybody seemed to advise to just jump to a divorce while my expectations were different. However, I came here for advice and that's what I'm getting. I appreciate everybody's posts and wisdom and will SINCERELY take all suggestions to heart.
I have not read the exposure thread - looking now.
And I think I have to clarify that I now realize that I haven't really 'exposed' anything to anybody on her side, I was just listing the people who know that we aren't together right now. Her brother (the supportive one) and her mother are the only ones on her side that definitely know everything.
That's precisely why I asked you. Most people's instincts are exactly the opposite of what MB teaches. And that's why most people spin their wheels with not much progress until they get here.
Everyone must be told this is an AFFAIR. Not some whitewashed version of the truth and you need to ask for their help and ask them to confront your WW.
I appreciate everybody's posts and wisdom and will SINCERELY take all suggestions to heart.
While we've got you nodding, let's keep rolling....
We need some more data: - Is WW employed to an extent that would permit her to support herself? - Is your state one in which adultery can be used as a reason for divorce? Is it a state in which an "alienation of affection" suit is possible? (Find out!)
DO NOT tell WW about your imminent exposure. Doing so will enable her to do intense "damage control" that vitally weakens the SHOCK your action is designed to inflict!
I would have the exposure package out, and yourself back home, TOMORROW! Any delay lets the idea of "singleness" become more palatable to WW.
We have animals, does that count? It just felt like we actually had an excellent base for our life together, but you're right that if she's cheating now, who knows what we'll have to go through in the future.
I was just thrown into a bout of denial since everybody seemed to advise to just jump to a divorce while my expectations were different.
Not to throw cold water on you, but...you should be discouraged.
It is harder for me to understand affairs in newlyweds. Three years into my M with no children was a completely different thing than 10+ years in with children, no more time alone, etc. Home life was stressful, life at work with the coworkers was fun and exciting, etc.
Your WW may just be one of those types of people that needs that "zing". Additionally, it sounds as if she actively pursued this affair vs it being an opps, how did this happen kind of thing.
This is where those radical changes I mentioned before would come in. The two of you would have to create a lifestye where an affair would be virtually impossible. That means no more FB and texting with male friends/coworkers, etc., spending all of your free time together. She very well may NOT willing to agree to any of this, given that you do not have children and she can walk away from this marriage pretty easily.
I appreciate everybody's posts and wisdom and will SINCERELY take all suggestions to heart.
While we've got you nodding, let's keep rolling....
We need some more data: - Is WW employed to an extent that would permit her to support herself? - Is your state one in which adultery can be used as a reason for divorce? Is it a state in which an "alienation of affection" suit is possible? (Find out!)
DO NOT tell WW about your imminent exposure. Doing so will enable her to do intense "damage control" that vitally weakens the SHOCK your action is designed to inflict!
I would have the exposure package out, and yourself back home, TOMORROW! Any delay lets the idea of "singleness" become more palatable to WW.
- Atm, she could probably JUST get by without my help financially - I'm paying some house related bills right now, since her insurance covers me and I don't have any insurance from my employer - but her parents always make her financial problems go away (this was a major plus during marriage ). Actually, if I were to move back in and the M ended, I wouldn't be able to support myself financially without moving at least 1.5 hours away. - I'm actually from Canada, but I'll look into this adultery divorce thing.
I will not expose my exposure, don't worry.
P.S. If you're confused about me being Canadian and not having health insurance I can explain that.
I was just thrown into a bout of denial since everybody seemed to advise to just jump to a divorce while my expectations were different.
Not to throw cold water on you, but...you should be discouraged.
It is harder for me to understand affairs in newlyweds. Three years into my M with no children was a completely different thing than 10+ years in with children, no more time alone, etc. Home life was stressful, life at work with the coworkers was fun and exciting, etc.
Your WW may just be one of those types of people that needs that "zing". Additionally, it sounds as if she actively pursued this affair vs it being an opps, how did this happen kind of thing.
This is where those radical changes I mentioned before would come in. The two of you would have to create a lifestye where an affair would be virtually impossible. That means no more FB and texting with male friends/coworkers, etc., spending all of your free time together. She very well may NOT willing to agree to any of this, given that you do not have children and she can walk away from this marriage pretty easily.
Just something to think about.
Yes, thank you. This whole thread is a much needed huge pot of cold water. And I know that if this becomes a divorce, I have a whole life ahead of me and all that jazz.
My WW is definitely a impulsive person (usually little things like purchases though), but she also lives in a ocean of guilt anyway from the way she was raised. Also, I just learned today that she has started going to therapy - I don't know if this changes anything, just fyi.
I'm sure the correct answer is ASAP. However, it's so counter-intuitive to me that I feel like a need confirmation from a local therapist that this is the right choice. I know you guys know what you're talking about, but 'the internet told me to' doesn't sit well with my logical side.
I edited a previous post, and in the long run, moving back to my home would not be financially feasible right now (while we're apart).
I'm also thinking about leaving the country for a few weeks in about about a month. Is this a good idea, or should I wait for some kind of event first?
However, it's so counter-intuitive to me that I feel like a need confirmation from a local therapist that this is the right choice. I know you guys know what you're talking about, but 'the internet told me to' doesn't sit well with my logical side.
Oh,sheesh. You're dealing with a "local therapist"? I'm sorry - I'll bow out. I thought you were were working with Marriage Builders. Those 'local' therapists have their own gig going (which doesn't necessarily include healing marriages, just so you know - they're more into navel-gazing and helping you build your best self. Which has nothing to do with saving a marriage, BTW.)
You're thinking about leaving your WW and leaving the country??? Why in the world would you think about leaving the country if you want to save your marriage??????
I'm sure the correct answer is ASAP. However, it's so counter-intuitive to me that I feel like a need confirmation from a local therapist that this is the right choice. I know you guys know what you're talking about, but 'the internet told me to' doesn't sit well with my logical side.
I edited a previous post, and in the long run, moving back to my home would not be financially feasible right now (while we're apart).
I'm also thinking about leaving the country for a few weeks in about about a month. Is this a good idea, or should I wait for some kind of event first?
No, you should move back into your house tonight, tomorrow at the latest. As far as confirmation of what you're doing is right is concerned goes, you have all the confirmation you need; disciples of the MB concepts structured by Dr. Bill Harley. This is not just the internet telling you what you should do. It's a proven methodology.
Your "local therapist" couldn't give you 2% of the valuable advice given here. When it comes to infidelity, you can bet your "local therapist" is completely ignorant on how to properly repair a marriage broken by infidelity. But ask if you must....at your own peril, I might add.
I'm in no way advocating you try and repair this. I would get the hell out and not look back. My words were not meant to entice you to reconcile with your WW, but to reconcile your mindset with the MB methods.
However, it's so counter-intuitive to me that I feel like a need confirmation from a local therapist that this is the right choice. I know you guys know what you're talking about, but 'the internet told me to' doesn't sit well with my logical side.
Oh,sheesh. You're dealing with a "local therapist"? I'm sorry - I'll bow out. I thought you were were working with Marriage Builders. Those 'local' therapists have their own gig going (which doesn't necessarily include healing marriages, just so you know - they're more into navel-gazing and helping you build your best self. Which has nothing to do with saving a marriage, BTW.)
You're thinking about leaving your WW and leaving the country??? Why in the world would you think about leaving the country if you want to save your marriage??????
I get it. We're being played.
LOL!
Okay, Okay. Leaving the country is my plan if there's little chance of recovery and I have to cut my losses, which is what everybody seems to be saying. I'm not trying to disagree with anybody, again, I AM here for the advice.
I doubt I'm to first person to wary to the exposure plan. It is just so out of character for me and so far against my intuition to just announce "W left me for an affair! Help me get her back, she's being silly" she'll be back any minute now...
I do apologize for being on the fence with this, and understand that it is something that has to be done. Would changing my FB status to separated be a good start as well? I feel like that would get some balls rolling. Or should I wait until after the exposure to close, influential people?
I'm sure the correct answer is ASAP. However, it's so counter-intuitive to me that I feel like a need confirmation from a local therapist that this is the right choice. I know you guys know what you're talking about, but 'the internet told me to' doesn't sit well with my logical side.
I edited a previous post, and in the long run, moving back to my home would not be financially feasible right now (while we're apart).
I'm also thinking about leaving the country for a few weeks in about about a month. Is this a good idea, or should I wait for some kind of event first?
No, you should move back into your house tonight, tomorrow at the latest. As far as confirmation of what you're doing is right is concerned goes, you have all the confirmation you need; disciples of the MB concepts structured by Dr. Bill Harley. This is not just the internet telling you what you should do. It's a proven methodology.
Your "local therapist" couldn't give you 2% of the valuable advice given here. When it comes to infidelity, you can bet your "local therapist" is completely ignorant on how to properly repair a marriage broken by infidelity. But ask if you must....at your own peril, I might add.
I'm in no way advocating you try and repair this. I would get the hell out and not look back. My words were not meant to entice you to reconcile with your WW, but to reconcile your mindset with the MB methods.
If followed, they work.
How do I move back into the house when I can't afford it? Like, I can DEFINITELY not afford it by myself. We've also agreed that I would be bought out of the mortgage if we were to divorce. Or is this just in the meantime to show that she doesn't get to have the perks that WE had?
I'm sure the correct answer is ASAP. However, it's so counter-intuitive to me that I feel like a need confirmation from a local therapist that this is the right choice. I know you guys know what you're talking about, but 'the internet told me to' doesn't sit well with my logical side.
I edited a previous post, and in the long run, moving back to my home would not be financially feasible right now (while we're apart).
I'm also thinking about leaving the country for a few weeks in about about a month. Is this a good idea, or should I wait for some kind of event first?
No, you should move back into your house tonight, tomorrow at the latest. As far as confirmation of what you're doing is right is concerned goes, you have all the confirmation you need; disciples of the MB concepts structured by Dr. Bill Harley. This is not just the internet telling you what you should do. It's a proven methodology.
Your "local therapist" couldn't give you 2% of the valuable advice given here. When it comes to infidelity, you can bet your "local therapist" is completely ignorant on how to properly repair a marriage broken by infidelity. But ask if you must....at your own peril, I might add.
I'm in no way advocating you try and repair this. I would get the hell out and not look back. My words were not meant to entice you to reconcile with your WW, but to reconcile your mindset with the MB methods.
If followed, they work.
How do I move back into the house when I can't afford it? Like, I can DEFINITELY not afford it by myself. We've also agreed that I would be bought out of the mortgage if we were to divorce. Or is this just in the meantime to show that she doesn't get to have the perks that WE had?
Well, a lot of this depends on what you want the final outcome to be. Now, as far as moving back in is concerned, if you're not there, then guess who is or will be very soon?
If she wants to continue to carry on this sordid lifestyle, then force her to take it elsewhere. I wouldn't be laying out a red carpet for this ex-boyfriend to go into your marital home and take your place.
Make them work for it.
OTOH, if you don't care at this point, then just stand pat.
Well, at this moment, I would like the outcome to be a reconciliation between WW and me.
And right now I'm staying at my parents' place, and they're about 23 hours away from driving me nuts. You're right about it being a red carpet for them. OM is actually living at his parents' too & is unemployed so me moving back in would absolutely mess up their plans for shenanigans. I LIKE THIS.
The only thing is what if she stops paying into the mortgage? The arrangement we had/have is that the mortgage payment comes from her and I pay the other half of the bills so that it works out. Wouldn't she call my bluff (or whatever) and know that if she stops supporting me, that I'm kind of screwed?
If the mortgage falls behind, her credit takes the same hit yours does. Her name is on the mortgage.
That old arrangement may have been taking advantage of you. She was building equity in the house while you we're stuffing a shoe box with utility receipts.
Well, at this moment, I would like the outcome to be a reconciliation between WW and me.
And right now I'm staying at my parents' place, and they're about 23 hours away from driving me nuts. You're right about it being a red carpet for them. OM is actually living at his parents' too & is unemployed so me moving back in would absolutely mess up their plans for shenanigans. I LIKE THIS.
The only thing is what if she stops paying into the mortgage? The arrangement we had/have is that the mortgage payment comes from her and I pay the other half of the bills so that it works out. Wouldn't she call my bluff (or whatever) and know that if she stops supporting me, that I'm kind of screwed?
Well, if reconciling is your mindset, then get your [censored] back in the house NOW and expose per Exposure 101. Read it, read it again, then read it again. Follow it to the letter. And don't send anything you have altered without running it through the human filters you have here at no charge to you (that has a nice ring to it, huh?).
She won't stop paying the mortgage. Don't worry about that, and even if she did, it wouldn't be something to worry about until a year or so from now.
If your goal is to try and reconcile, then bust up the affair. Period. Worry about the rest of it later.
[ I'm sure the correct answer is ASAP. However, it's so counter-intuitive to me that I feel like a need confirmation from a local therapist that this is the right choice. I know you guys know what you're talking about, but 'the internet told me to' doesn't sit well with my logical side.
You are SO RIGHT to not just take advice off the internet!! I don't blame you a bit. But would you take the advice of Dr Bill Harley, clinical psychologist, founder of Marriage Builders and top selling author of 17 books on marriage?
Originally Posted by Dr Bill Harley
"Exposure is very likely to end the affair, lifting the fog that has overcome the unfaithful spouse, helping him or her become truly repentant and willing to put energy and effort into a full marital recovery. In my experience with thousands of couples who struggle with the fallout of infidelity, exposure has been the single most important first step toward recovery. It not only helps end the affair, but it also provides support to the betrayed spouse, giving him or her stamina to hold out for ultimate recovery."
Originally Posted by Dr Bill Harley
"The reason for the wide exposure is not to hurt the unfaithful spouse, but rather to end the fantasy. Your husband's secret second life made his affair possible, and the more you can to to make it public, the easier it is for him to see the damage he's doing. Keeping it secret does damage, but few know about it. Making it public helps everyone, including the unfaithful spouse and lover, see the affair for what it really is."
Most of us here in recovered marriages attribute that to exposure. Our marriages were saved by exposing the affair. Affairs thrive on secrecy so exposure is the most effective weapon you have.
On the other hand, "therapists" have no experience and no qualifications in saving marriages from adultery. They are downright destructive to marriages when there has been an affair. Dr Harley's program is completely different and he has been very successful.
You move back/stay in the marital home partly for legal reasons. To establish that you are not the one who abandoned the marriage.
Someone will soon post a link to a thread about men not leaving their home, read it.
You have as much legal right to be there as she does
If she wants to separate, she leaves.
Doesn't mean you would stay there after a Divorce. Just protecting your interests
Excited for this link.
Should I get some legal advice then? The mortgage/title also has WW's parents on it - they own %25.
And yes, BrainHurts, she's paying the mortgage by herself. (We have a very cheap mortgage)
This is a good pressure point for you. Depending on what kind of people your in-laws are, I don't think they would take too kindly to their daughter defaulting on a loan they helped secure. And CERTAINLY not for the reason for said default.
This would be the least of my worries at this point.
If the mortgage falls behind, her credit takes the same hit yours does. Her name is on the mortgage.
That old arrangement may have been taking advantage of you. She was building equity in the house while you we're stuffing a shoe box with utility receipts.
She did have the mortgage before we got together, but then we bought a new house and now I'm on the title. And we're being pretty civil and agreed that I would get half of the equity that we had. Does/would this change anything?
And right now I'm staying at my parents' place, and they're about 23 hours away from driving me nuts. You're right about it being a red carpet for them. OM is actually living at his parents' too & is unemployed so me moving back in would absolutely mess up their plans for shenanigans. I LIKE THIS.
I agree you should go back home. Moving out only facilitates the affair. I would just go home with no warning.
And I would drive to the OM's house tomorrow and tell his parents he is having an affair with a married woman. His mother and dad might not be too thrilled to discovered their son is behaving like low down trash.
Does this piece of crap have a facebook page? If so, copy and paste his contacts into a WORD doc and notify his relatives tomorrow via a private message. They should all know!
She did have the mortgage before we got together, but then we bought a new house and now I'm on the title. And we're being pretty civil and agreed that I would get half of the equity that we had. Does/would this change anything?
NO. Terrorists are always "civil" when you go along with their plans of destruction.
Here. FACEBOOK or email exposure letter to family and friends of YOUR WS - this was written by board member, Underdog:
Dear friends and family,
I am writing you this message because you are an important person in the lives of xxxx and I. As some of you know, xxxxx has recently asked me for a separation, which has shattered my heart. To my shock, I am saddened to have discovered that the reason is because she has been carrying on an affair with a old boyfriend named xxxxx xxxxx who resides in xxxxxx. He is also married and has young children . The purpose of the separation is so that she can carry on her affair without my interference.
She refuses to end the affair. I want our marriage to recover from this affair. If you have any influence on my babe, please do what you can to get her to stop this dangerous affair. I want to stay married, but the affair must end.
As our friends and family, I am asking that you use your influence with xxxx to persuade her to end her affair and try to work on our marriage. Our marriage can be salvaged if she would only end the affair. Please support her in doing the right thing. Please support our marriage.
So many replies! I feel like I have the power of 100,000 THUNDER-PEOPLE BEHIND ME!!!
Ok, so the organize the plan: 1. Get back into my house ASAP 2. Don't worry
And then my worries: 1. I can't afford the entire financial situation of the house by myself
Your wife will have to continue to pay her part of the mortgage. She can't just walk away.
Quote
And this POSOM does have FB. What does this message to his parents look like (if they're on FB)?
knock, knock, knock
MrFather comes to door: Hello MrFAther, I am CC, the HUSBAND of MRsCC. Are you aware that your son is having an affair with my wife??
MrFather: OMG!
CC: this is true. I am heartbroken and so are her parents and family. I am asking that you persuade your son to leave my wife alone! IF he does not, I will be dragging him into court when I file for divorce on grounds of adultery
And then to the OM's family members, send this PM on facebook:
Quote
Dear friend of Skankyhola,
It grieves me to write this letter but I believe all of her friends should be aware that OW is having an affair with my husband, Joe. We have been married for 5 years. They have been having this affair since October according to the evidence.
I would be happy to provide the evidence to anyone who asks.
I would ask that you use your influence with OW to persuade her to leave my husband alone. You should also watch your own husbands around her because she is no friend to marriage.
I would appreciate it if someone would notify her parents and ask them to call me at xxx-www-xxxx. Thank you, BW
Here. FACEBOOK or email exposure letter to family and friends of YOUR WS - this was written by board member, Underdog:
Dear friends and family,
I am writing you this message because you are an important person in the lives of xxxx and I. As some of you know, xxxxx has recently asked me for a separation, which has shattered my heart. To my shock, I am saddened to have discovered that the reason is because she has been carrying on an affair with a old boyfriend named xxxxx xxxxx who resides in xxxxxx. He is also married and has young children . The purpose of the separation is so that she can carry on her affair without my interference.
She refuses to end the affair. I want our marriage to recover from this affair. If you have any influence on my babe, please do what you can to get her to stop this dangerous affair. I want to stay married, but the affair must end.
As our friends and family, I am asking that you use your influence with xxxx to persuade her to end her affair and try to work on our marriage. Our marriage can be salvaged if she would only end the affair. Please support her in doing the right thing. Please support our marriage.
I would so appreciate your support and prayers.
Warmest regards,
Great thanks! I did see that in the other thread, silly me. I know that OM's parents are very religious, although OM is in between religions and WW is 98% Atheist 2% Agnostic, so I think this might have an impact.
If both your names are on the mortgage, you default or not together. Neither she nor her parents can prevent a default on her part without also preventing your default.
You wouldn't have to keep the house after a D.
Just move home and don't worry about the mortgage for now
Great thanks! I did see that in the other thread, silly me. I know that OM's parents are very religious, although OM is in between religions and WW is 98% Atheist 2% Agnostic, so I think this might have an impact.
CC, go visit them in PERSON. Go to the OM's house and knock on his door.
Your wife will have to continue to pay her part of the mortgage. She can't just walk away.
Originally Posted by ItCanGetBetter
If both your names are on the mortgage, you default or not together. Neither she nor her parents can prevent a default on her part without also preventing your default.
You wouldn't have to keep the house after a D.
Just move home and don't worry about the mortgage for now
This is excellent news. I will move back tomorrow morning! So all of this mortgage fiasco can just be handle after/during divorce then, right? If she still wants OM by the time of our divorce, I could just leave the house with her (if I so choose)?
Great thanks! I did see that in the other thread, silly me. I know that OM's parents are very religious, although OM is in between religions and WW is 98% Atheist 2% Agnostic, so I think this might have an impact.
CC, go visit them in PERSON. Go to the OM's house and knock on his door.
I'm naturally a very anxious person, but I will try my darnedest to follow this!
Great thanks! I did see that in the other thread, silly me. I know that OM's parents are very religious, although OM is in between religions and WW is 98% Atheist 2% Agnostic, so I think this might have an impact.
CC, go visit them in PERSON. Go to the OM's house and knock on his door.
I'm naturally a very anxious person, but I will try my darnedest to follow this!
The OM will be very anxious when he sees you pull into his parent's driveway!! OM are worms and cowards and he will cower when he sees you there. Can you take a friend or relative for moral support?
It is real important that you do all of your exposures in one day to create a tsunami effect, so I would be real strategic about this in order to get the biggest bang for your buck. Saturday would be a good day to expose and move back home.
Start the day early by going to your house and seeing if the OM is there. Take some photos and then head on over to his house and meet with his parents.
From there, go to your wife's parents house and tell them all about the affair and how long it has been going on. MAKE SURE YOU TELL THEM THIS IS WHY YOUR WIFE WANTED TO BREAK UP. Don't give her any room to spin this with "CC moved out and I just hooked up with OM after he left!"
After you do this, go to your parents home, get on your computer and start sending emails to your wife's friends and family. Expose to the family members of the OM via facebook.
When you are done, pack your bag and move back home. Walk in and say "honey, I'm home!!"
It is real important that you do all of your exposures in one day to create a tsunami effect, so I would be real strategic about this in order to get the biggest bang for your buck. Saturday would be a good day to expose and move back home.
Start the day early by going to your house and seeing if the OM is there. Take some photos and then head on over to his house and meet with his parents.
From there, go to your wife's parents house and tell them all about the affair and how long it has been going on. MAKE SURE YOU TELL THEM THIS IS WHY YOUR WIFE WANTED TO BREAK UP. Don't give her any room to spin this with "CC moved out and I just hooked up with OM after he left!"
After you do this, go to your parents home, get on your computer and start sending emails to your wife's friends and family. Expose to the family members of the OM via facebook.
When you are done, pack your bag and move back home. Walk in and say "honey, I'm home!!"
This plan is GORGEOUS! I almost need an Ativan reading it though hahah. Her parents already know the entire story - she filled in her mom as she was becoming wayward - so that part is done. But yes, the rest of the exposure is in order!
And I already know that me just moving back will throw quite the wrench into her plan. I don't think I could be in an affair if we both were living at our parents'. MWUAHAHAHAH
This plan is GORGEOUS! I almost need an Ativan reading it though hahah. Her parents already know the entire story - she filled in her mom as she was becoming wayward - so that part is done. But yes, the rest of the exposure is in order!
Good man!!
Her parents only know her SPIN and her lies!! So I would go by there or call and tell them the truth when you get done with loserboy's parents. Tell them this affair has been going on since ____ and that is why she wanted to separate. Ask them to use their influence to persuade her to end her affair. <-----ask for their help!
Believe me, your anxiety levels will go way down after you blow the lid off their sleazy little affair! you will feel great.
Your wife will be FURIOUS! Just be prepared and don't let her scare you. Even if she threatens to call the police or DOES call the police. Don't leave your home. Sometimes the police will try and persuade the man to leave just to keep the peace. Tell them you are there to be peaceful and have no intention of causing trouble. She probably won't do that, but just in case, you need to be prepared, ok?
When she is angry, just say "I am so sorry you are upset but I am here to stay!" Then SMILE and be pleasant.
Believe me, your anxiety levels will go way down after you blow the lid off their sleazy little affair! you will feel great.
Your wife will be FURIOUS! Just be prepared and don't let her scare you. Even if she threatens to call the police or DOES call the police. Don't leave your home. Sometimes the police will try and persuade the man to leave just to keep the peace. Tell them you are there to be peaceful and have no intention of causing trouble. She probably won't do that, but just in case, you need to be prepared, ok?
When she is angry, just say "I am so sorry you are upset but I am here to stay!" Then SMILE and be pleasant.
Can you do this? [I believe you can!!]
I know that I would feel like an empowered destroyer of all things unholy.
I THINK I can do the face-to-face exposing, but I know I HAVE to! The moving back home will be super easy - I'm very excited to see her reaction.
[ I THINK I can do the face-to-face exposing, but I know I HAVE to!
This is the trait that will help you the MOST. Everyone is very nervous and scared about exposures and the fallout. It is scary! The difference between success and failure is the ability to act despite your fears! The fact that you have made this decision because you know it is right means you have what it takes to succeed.
One of my favorite quotes in situations like this: If you're going through hell, keep going. - Winston Churchill
You might want to get a VAR to carry on you when you go home so she can't spin any abuse story.
Also be dressed and looking good and smelling good.
I doubt she would try to do that, but hey, I also doubted that she'd ever leave me. Is this VAR just for the confrontation, or do I keep it in the house at all times?
I will be dressed to depress [her]! Do some bicep curls right before I show up.
You might want to get a VAR to carry on you when you go home so she can't spin any abuse story.
Also be dressed and looking good and smelling good.
I doubt she would try to do that, but hey, I also doubted that she'd ever leave me. Is this VAR just for the confrontation, or do I keep it in the house at all times?
I will be dressed to depress [her]! Do some bicep curls right before I show up.
Definitely for when you walk back home and then just keep it around in case you need it.
Don't Put anything past a Wayward. We've seen it many, many times.
You might want to get a VAR to carry on you when you go home so she can't spin any abuse story.
Also be dressed and looking good and smelling good.
I doubt she would try to do that, but hey, I also doubted that she'd ever leave me. Is this VAR just for the confrontation, or do I keep it in the house at all times?
I will be dressed to depress [her]! Do some bicep curls right before I show up.
Definitely for when you walk back home and then just keep it around in case you need it.
Don't Put anything past a Wayward. We've seen it many, many times.
You see, while you have fewer things to entice your WW back (length of marital history, children) that does not, in any way, mean that you cannot recover your marriage.
Truth is, your marriage has been blighted by stupid social ideas; that maintaining friendships with former lovers is an "ok" thing to do when you are married.
If you are going to recover this, BOTH of you are going to have to go forward with iron-clad extraordinary precautions in your marriage - the cornerstone of affair-proofing your marriage.
I repeat; BOTH of you.
So, while you have a short marital history, if you handle this properly and WW responds, you can have a much brighter marital FUTURE.
After all this yesterday, I realized that maybe I shouldn't be with a person who pursues an affair 3 years into a marriage.
So the situation right now: I've moved back in (haven't been able to expose yet), and now WW is FURIOUSLY upset. Now she wants to make a formal separation agreement and asks how long I'll be staying at the house. What do I tell her? Do I say at least a few weeks or do I say something like 'until you leave OM'?
After all this yesterday, I realized that maybe I shouldn't be with a person who pursues an affair 3 years into a marriage.
So the situation right now: I've moved back in (haven't been able to expose yet), and now WW is FURIOUSLY upset. Now she wants to make a formal separation agreement and asks how long I'll be staying at the house. What do I tell her? Do I say at least a few weeks or do I say something like 'until you leave OM'?
Tell her to have her lawyer contact your lawyer but you have no plans on ever leaving.
And then drive to the OM's house and follow through on the exposure strategy I outlined above! Stick to your plan, CC!!! I have full confidence in you!!
After all this yesterday, I realized that maybe I shouldn't be with a person who pursues an affair 3 years into a marriage.
So the situation right now: I've moved back in (haven't been able to expose yet), and now WW is FURIOUSLY upset. Now she wants to make a formal separation agreement and asks how long I'll be staying at the house. What do I tell her? Do I say at least a few weeks or do I say something like 'until you leave OM'?
Tell her to have her lawyer contact your lawyer but you have no plans on ever leaving.
And then drive to the OM's house and follow through on the exposure strategy I outlined above! Stick to your plan, CC!!! I have full confidence in you!!
You must move forward and kill the affair today.
Yes Clickety please follow the Plan and Stick to your plan.
Good job moving back. Of course she's furious because you threw a huge wrench in affair land. Since OM lives with his parents now they have no place to carry on their dirty deeds.
Oh there's definitely going to be some exposure happening. I don't know where OM (his parents) live, so I was thinking about catching them after they go to church tomorrow since I know where that is and they will be feeling all holy and ethical.
Oh there's definitely going to be some exposure happening. I don't know where OM (his parents) live, so I was thinking about catching them after they go to church tomorrow since I know where that is and they will be feeling all holy and ethical.
What about OM's ex? Were you able to get a hold of her?
Oh there's definitely going to be some exposure happening. I don't know where OM (his parents) live, so I was thinking about catching them after they go to church tomorrow since I know where that is and they will be feeling all holy and ethical.
CC, you need to get this done TODAY. Why not call them or find out where they live? Have you exposed to her parents? Have you exposed to his facebook friends? Family members?
Don't dawdle on this. Get this done TODAY. Be comprehensive and be complete. Trickle exposures will avail you nothing except a ticked off wayward wife for NO GOOD REASON.
Doing trickle exposures. Meaning exposing to just a few people but not to everyone that could have an influence. Trickle exposures are a disaster because they are not enough to kill the affair but just enough to infuriate the WS enough to come after the BS. So the exposure essentially only served to beat down the already beaten BS for no benefit.
Do the exposure immediately to everyone who can have influence in the lufe decisions your wife is engaged in. Expose to All of the POS's known contacts.
Do everyone you can think of this weekend. If there are others, get yo them in the next couple of days. Don't delay!!! Hit the primary targets immediately.
Tbere is some advice here that states that you may need to pay $1.00 per message if you usr FaceBook to send to non-friend contacts, othirwse they receive it as spam. I don't personally know how that works though, so ask others for better details.
If you don't want a Divorce, then don't discuss divorce.
Respond, "I will discuss how to improve and safeguard our marriage only."
I doubt she would try to do that, but hey, I also doubted that she'd ever leave me. Is this VAR just for the confrontation, or do I keep it in the house at all times?
If you read my story (NOT now, you have more important things on your plate!), you will see how my WW (of 33 years!) and my scumsucking middle child managed to get me arrested for accidentally breaking WW's glasses on d-night!
You need a VAR with you, and ON, virtually 24/7 until whatever resolution is finalized. I do not know how blindingly stupid are the Canadian LEPs, but down here, they will BELIEVE anything, and DO anything that a weepy wife needs them to do to control the "ogre" that she portrays her BH to be!
And for the love of Lord Stanley's Cup, quit worrying about a mortgage! You are fighting for your MARRIAGE, dude! Exposure and return home are your only concerns right now!
I would put one caveat on that: Daddy!
He is twice the player in your drama than are most FILs, because he also writes WW's paychecks. It may be worthwhile, without fully tipping your hand, to have a chat with him, the basis of which should be, "I'm going to FIGHT for the marriage you witnessed us enter into, Dad. It might get messy, but if the vows you saw us utter mean anything to you, you'll stay on my side!"
When I moved back in, WW wasn't there, so I got settled, and when WW asked how long I was going to be there, I said "However long I need to." She was crazy mad, and then she sent me an email asking to settle this now, and she broke down how much I would get once we split up. It's a actually a very fair deal - although this has nothing to do with my next revelation: I don't want her back and I could care less about reconciling!
Now how exciting is that?
I was in Denial Land yesterday, and you guys took my head out of the clouds and showed me how immature her act was. I got thinking about it and realized that she kind of stopped showing me any affection and we didn't spend our recreational time doing ANYTHING for the last couple months. It seems as though she was checked out sooner than I thought.
And I might be in shock right now, but I feel GREAT! I feel so free! Once we wrap this up, I am bound to nothing.
[Disturbing] OHH! And get this. After that separation email, I was grabbing some paperwork from our bedroom and I used the en suite bathroom. It smelled kind of strange in there, so I look in the garbage, and I find POFSOM's ejaculate-filled tissue!!!
After her email about a proper separation, I had to get OM's parents' contact details from WW's parents, so I exposed it to them and discussed the situation. Her parents already knew everything and told me that they're trying to get her to see the light, but says that they can't seem to change her mind.
I called OM's parents and introduced myself, but they did not want to give me their address to talk. I then just explained the situation over the phone and told them that their son was continuing an affair with my wife and asked if they could use their influence to bring it to an end. They were disappointed with him, but kind of had a "well it's his choice" kind of an attitude.
I could only see mutual friends between OM and myself - which is just my wife - so that didn't help.
Then I talked to all of my wife's sibling, and they are all on my side and are very disappointed in her. Her brother said that he tells her every time he sees her that he does not agree with what she is doing and that it is not fair to me. Her other siblings don't live in the country and they said that WW isn't talking to even them because nobody is approving of her choices.
I honestly think that this is a mental breakdown for her. I'm not trying to make excuses either. Most of her siblings have had mental breakdowns before and are saying that she's acting like a nut right now. Even if it is though, she doesn't get to do this to me and I'm not going to wait around for her.
We were just taking some time apart before, but now I think I'm going to need some DISTANCE from all this.
I'd give you about a solid "B" - not bad, but not cum laude stuff, either!
Your assignment from Professor NG was:
EXPOSE HER INFIDELITY to her entire world - her parents, her siblings, her friends, her sorority sisters, her clergy, her hairdresser.
Get the other ones done. You NEVER KNOW which contact will be the one to demonstrate resolve, ethics, and stamina, and drive home to WW the lesson she needs to absorb!
After her email about a proper separation, I had to get OM's parents' contact details from WW's parents, so I exposed it to them and discussed the situation. Her parents already knew everything and told me that they're trying to get her to see the light, but says that they can't seem to change her mind.
I called OM's parents and introduced myself, but they did not want to give me their address to talk. I then just explained the situation over the phone and told them that their son was continuing an affair with my wife and asked if they could use their influence to bring it to an end. They were disappointed with him, but kind of had a "well it's his choice" kind of an attitude.
Sounds like they are trash, just like him. I guess it is a good thing he is not a serial killer because they would be saying "well its his choice." Talk about uncaring family members!
You did great, but are you sure you don't want to try and save it? You are perfectly within your rights to move on, but this is far from over.
I'd give you about a solid "B" - not bad, but not cum laude stuff, either!
Your assignment from Professor NG was:
EXPOSE HER INFIDELITY to her entire world - her parents, her siblings, her friends, her sorority sisters, her clergy, her hairdresser.
Get the other ones done. You NEVER KNOW which contact will be the one to demonstrate resolve, ethics, and stamina, and drive home to WW the lesson she needs to absorb!
I did talk to her closest friends - who are my friends as well. They said they're sorry about the situation, and they'll try their best to convince her. But they, like her parents, also know how stubborn she is, so everybody kind of rolled their eyes when talking about trying to change her mind.
And I just got back from some errands where I ran into another family member of hers that lives in town. I told him everything and he was absolutely disgusted with her. He told me that I don't need to be treated like that and that she hasn't really treated me right for a while (she's can be bossy, and her family knows that).
Her world doesn't contain the other three groups you mentioned.
Nobody that I've talked to has approved of her actions though, so I'm sure she's starting to feel pressure now. I shall commence waiting.
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by ClickityClack
After her email about a proper separation, I had to get OM's parents' contact details from WW's parents, so I exposed it to them and discussed the situation. Her parents already knew everything and told me that they're trying to get her to see the light, but says that they can't seem to change her mind.
I called OM's parents and introduced myself, but they did not want to give me their address to talk. I then just explained the situation over the phone and told them that their son was continuing an affair with my wife and asked if they could use their influence to bring it to an end. They were disappointed with him, but kind of had a "well it's his choice" kind of an attitude.
Sounds like they are trash, just like him. I guess it is a good thing he is not a serial killer because they would be saying "well its his choice." Talk about uncaring family members!
You did great, but are you sure you don't want to try and save it? You are perfectly within your rights to move on, but this is far from over.
Yes. Trash. They're the only church-going bunch that I talked to and they were the ones most accepting of the affair. I could still hear the shock and disappointment in his mom's voice, but she also sounded like she wasn't sure my phone call was sincere and that it could have been a prank - which could have been avoided if she let me come SEE them!
I guess I'll see where this stage goes. After telling my family members about what she doing, I think they resent her more than me. As of today, we've been separated for 11 days, but apparently she's already made up her mind and wants to buy me out of our house + extra money to lure me out. If she put 1/3 of this effort into our marriage, we wouldn't have had this problem.
I'm not the crazy one, right? Abandoning a marriage and throwing some money at your spouse because a high school crush has been back into your life for less than a month is that crazy thing, right?
I'm not the crazy one, right? Abandoning a marriage and throwing some money at your spouse because a high school crush has been back into your life for less than a month is that crazy thing, right?
You are not the crazy one, did you move back out?
I imagine POSOM has been in her life for quite some time, certainly more than a month.
I did move back out. I've got a couple of interviews in the city where I could be making around twice my current wage. Let's see how she likes that! Where I live, living out of the house during separation has no impact on my legal interest in the house, and anything I acquire after the separation, she does not legally get an equal share to.
This POSOM only came back to town at the very end of July, and that's when she added him on FB. They texted for a few days and he came over at the beginning of August. She may have been THINKING about him for more than a month, but I'm 90% sure they weren't even talking before that since she would show me their text messages when he would say something 'funny'...
My whole family and her whole family are not impressed and don't care for what she's doing. OM's parents didn't seem to explicitly care, but it must have sunk in by now and I'm sure they've confronted him. Everybody knows that I'm the calm one and me being abusive would be next to impossible - her family jokes when they kill an insect in front of me, "Sorry, CC". I did, however, get a VAR app on my phone and make sure I have it before going into the house just in case.
I know her A isn't going to last, and when it ends, I'm going to make her sit in her mess for a while.
I know her A isn't going to last, and when it ends, I'm going to make her sit in her mess for a while.
This is not a way to recover your marriage.
Okay, I know. I am in a resentful mindset right now. She's just not showing any remorse right now. If she comes out of this genuinely remorseful and willing to actually put in work, then we'll talk about recovering the marriage.
I found a pack of cigarettes at the house today. She always HATED when I would smoke - about 1-2 smokes per month while I was drinking - but apparently when this POSOM who's unemployed, lives with his parents, and has a dirty mustache smokes, it's all cool.
I know her A isn't going to last, and when it ends, I'm going to make her sit in her mess for a while.
This is not a way to recover your marriage.
Okay, I know. I am in a resentful mindset right now. She's just not showing any remorse right now. If she comes out of this genuinely remorseful and willing to actually put in work, then we'll talk about recovering the marriage.
I found a pack of cigarettes at the house today. She always HATED when I would smoke - about 1-2 smokes per month while I was drinking - but apparently when this POSOM who's unemployed, lives with his parents, and has a dirty mustache smokes, it's all cool.
Have you read "Surviving an Affair". WWs almost never are remorseful.
There are things you can do that increase the probability of recovery, and there are things you can do that diminish the probability. Moving out diminishes the probability, as does waiting for remorse to be expressed. Do you really want a recovery? If so, then stop doing things that hurt your chances.
). Actually, if I were to move back in and the M ended, I wouldn't be able to support myself financially without moving at least 1.5 hours away.
she'll be back any minute now...
I guess it is a good thing he is not a serial killer because they would be saying "well its his choice." Talk about uncaring family members!