What does a WW remember?

What does a WW forget?

How has the years effected what you remember about the affair?

Is it believable for a WW to not remember the OM's name?

Any WW's out there not remember their OM's name.

What have you ladies got?

Any BH's care to add their input?

When I finally got the whole truth, there were 8 OMs. A couple were one night stands. The poly proved that she didn't remember their names.

Nothing that comes out of a Wayward's mouth is believable, unless it can be independantly verified.

Your WW did not remember the ONS OM names or did she not remember all 8 OM?

If your WW had an affair with one OM for 1 or 2 years would you believe her if she said I do not remember the OM name?

We appear to be out of WW's on Marriage Builders.

No, you're just out of WW's who wish to keep rehashing the same points you keep bringing up year after year.

The truth is, none of us can get inside your wife's head and tell you what she does and does not remember.

If you want to know if she's telling the truth or not, have her take a polygraph. Then you'll know for sure.

There was a biologist from Elbonia (apologies to Dilbert) who was studying the jumping ability of frogs.

He took a frog, said,"Jump, frog, jump," and noted, "Frog with four legs jumped 38 inches." He then cut off a front leg, and recorded, "Frog with three legs jumped 33 inches," then 26 inches, with two, and 13 inches with one leg.

Then he cut off the last leg, said, "Jump, frog, jump"....and nothing happened. He again said, "Jump. frog, jump!" with no result. He then proudly recorded "Frog with no legs....is deaf!"

We appear to be out of WW's on Marriage Builders.

TR, are you possibly Elbonian-American?

The LAST thing I ever want my FWW thinking about is that POSOM in any way, shape or form. I NEVER bring that piece of crap up in conversation. Never will. Ever.

Asking any FWW on this board to talk about this subject is...well...just wrong.

20YearHistory, Were all your questions answered? Do you know all that happened? 90%? 50%?

I do not know 1%. If I knew the answers to my questions I would not talk about the past now with my wife.

The last time my wife and I spoke about the past she gave me the "I do not remember". Though I remember everything she has said about what happen back in the past. Maybe because it was so little. Maybe because trying to figure out what happened has kept me from forgetting the past.

I find it hard to believe that my wife is being honest when she said "I do not remember".

I ask the WW's here how their memory is to get a base line. I do not expect them to start talking about their past with their BH's when that part of their recovery is over.

I am not understanding how that will solve your problem? How will this exercise get your wife to tell you the truth? If you tell her that someone else remembers, she will just spill her guts?

***EDIT***

Q. F. T.

Not so much to get my wife to talk.

To know that if every WW can remember her OM's name then I should expect my wife to remember the OM's name. Hence a base line.

Melody, I know you have mentioned how you were exposed to your dad's OW as a child. Now you did not forget that and that was how many years ago, 50?

You can ask your wife to take a polygraph. But someone else's memory or lack thereof is not going to do anything to solve your problem. I would be making an appointment for her.

And I was 4 when I met my dad's first OW. But again, that has nothing to do with your wife. If she wants you to believe she can't remember, then she should also be willing to take a polygraph to prove that. Would she do that?

She has refused to talk any more. She closed that conversation with she is gone if I bring up the past again.

We never had a marathon talk session about the past. Something she would do had brought the past back up about every 4 years. A couple of questions would be talked about. She would put the breaks on and not get more specific.

Such as when she restarted he friendship with her BGF/enabler for about a year about 7-8 years post dday.

Dday I bought nothing happened. Every 4 years a new dday in that a new fact showed more happened.

That is a good question to ask her. If she can not remember she should prove that with a polygraph.

So when are you going to schedule that?

What is there to save, though? It's not like you have anything to lose, do you? I would set up the appointment, give her a list of questions before the test and give her one last chance to come clean. If she wants to leave if she has to be honest then tell her you would agree that the marriage won't work if she is dishonest.

Does she know about Marriage Builders? Does she know that honesty can be the first step to a romantic, passionate marriage?

What have you been doing for the 6 years you have been here?

It's in her best interest to put a stop to this topic of conversation. The way she does that is by coming clean once and for all and then it can be put to rest. Tell her you will never bring it again once you have the full truth.

But also show her a bigger picture of what your marriage can be and sell her on this program. Apparently you are going to need professional help to ever change your marriage since do-it-yourself has not worked. Can you sign up for the online program?

TR, are you prepared to have her leave if you insist on a polygraph? Are you prepared to leave if she will not take one or talk any further?

Are you prepared to have her leave if you insist on a polygraph?
Are you prepared to leave if she will not take one...?

Your situation (and course of action) cannot be defined any more clearly than your answer to these two questions.

If the answer to either/both is "No", then you will be playing a game of "marital chicken" with her as you make the need for a poly a condition of your marriage. If she refuses, and you fold (or if she prepares to leave, and you beg her to stay ), you would have shot your bolt, and there would be NOTHING more to save in your union.

If both answers are "Yes", then steel yourself, commit yourself to follow through, and insist on the test.

I also seriously doubt she would leave the marriage if he brought it up again. How many times have we heard that bluff? That is a bluff to keep him quiet. So if he brings it up and offers her a solution so he really doesn't bring it up again, she may take the bait.

But he can't just NOT make the offer on the basis of a bluff. If she will only stay if she can continue to be dishonest, then there is no marriage anyway.

No.

**edit**

Then, you'll just keep running around the same circles forever, like you've been doing for the past 6 years. You'll keep asking questions, she'll keep refusing to answer and claiming she doesn't remember, and nothing will happen.

That's a choice you've made. I don't think there's much more anyone here can do for you.

Then why not accept the consequences of your decision? You have chosen to do nothing. Just learn to accept your choices.

Are you prepared to ask her anything at all?

Will you ask her once and for all to give you full details of the affair?

Will you ask her to take a polygraph?

You said this back in 2008:


http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...in=149515&Number=2033284#Post2033284

How could you possibly believe that she doesn't know the OM's name if her BF's H is friends with him and she has been to his grandmother's house? I could maybe see it if it was a ONS with a stranger she met when she was on a business trip or something but this sounds very far from that.

Aside from the thread I just linked above, It should be noted that you have started basically the same thread several times over the years. You were told over and over that's very unlikely she would forget the name and her not revealing it is a dealbreaker. I think in one thread you admitted yourself you did not believe her.

Here:
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...in=164266&Number=2532756#Post2532756

and here:
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...in=165765&Number=2594093#Post2594093

and here:
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...in=165773&Number=2594473#Post2594473

Are you hoping some WW will say some magical thing to make you feel better about this? That's not going to happen.... Sorry

Like I said on his other thread, I am of the belief that people who have the SAME problem year after year are not seriously seeking solutions. I believe that is the case here.

Maybe NG will get the hint and not post to me.

Why, because he asks things you don't want to hear?

It is not what is being said.

It is who is saying it.

TheRoad --

You aren't willing to set boundries with your wife.
So accept that she is calling the shots, and she doesn't feel like telling you anything about her affair.

No matter how bad you want her to, and no matter how much you ask, SHE is in charge, and SHE has already told you as much as she ever will.

You are not willing to stand up for yourself.
You are not willing to put consequences in place.
You are not willing to set boundries of what you won't accept.

This has become YOUR problem, not hers.