Is Exposure really necessary? - 11/22/13 07:50 PM
My husband and I have not been meeting each others needs for quite a while, and as is common, the result was an affair.
I had realized things weren't right and had made some changes in how I was treating and responding to my husband, and he responded positively immediately. Ironically, within a few days I discovered his affair. He had ended it before I found out, but after the changes had started taking place. It had started as a friendship several years ago, then progressed a few months ago to where they confided in each other (through messaging)about their respective problems in their marriages, yada yada (so classic!)and had progressed to the physical only a month before I found out.
I waited a couple of weeks to tell him I knew - in the meantime keeping tabs on him and his messages/texts/etc - he did not see or call her - at one point they were supposed to meet - which had been set up a couple of weeks prior, and he did not try to go to where they were supposed to meet - instead he made specific arrangements to be with me at that time, and she actually called him when he didn't show - he glaced at his phone and declined the call since he was with me - I had not yet told him that I knew, so I do believe he honestly was at that point ready to end it and not sure how to do it. He did text her to let her know that things had changed and we were working on our relationship - she actually encouraged him to try at that point, but wanted to remain friends "whatever he decided".
When I confronted him with the fact that I knew, and that I had already made the decision to fight for our marriage, he immediately agreed to cut off all contact, he has been apologetic, completely transparent in his activities, access to phone, ipad, facebook, etc. He texts me often, including pictures of where he is and what he is doing. He gives me his receipts with times on them when he has them so I know where and when he has been. He volunteered to do whatever I needed him to - shout it from the roof, confess to whoever, etc. Before ever seeing this site, he determined that he would not go to an event where the OW would be and made other arrangements to not be where she would be, without my prompting.
He has done everything he can to express his profound regret and sadness at how he has hurt me, and has offered to go to counseling, take courses, or whatever I need him to do in order to save our marriage. He acknowledges that my responses to him and not trying to meet his needs were a result of the way he was not meeting my needs and feels like all of our problems come back to him not living up to his responsibilities in our marriage.
I have not exposed his affair for several reasons. One is that I don't know what the OW's BS would do - I don't know him, but by reputation I could potentially see him coming after my husband in a violent manner. My husband has been a leader in various capacies in our church, and while I doubt that this would change, it would really be a negative on something that has always been a positive - he has years of positive service and influence on teens and young adults in our church.
We have four teenaged sons,and they do not know. They do not suspect anything has ever been wrong - we have rarely fought or argued, and they have even made comments about how they are so glad that we aren't like so many of their friend's parents who yell and scream or are divorced, etc. I think it would be very traumatic for them at this point, although I can see telling them later, maybe when they are getting married and pointing out how to not let this happen to them, etc.
So the affair has ended, he told OW it was over after I confronted him, she does not live in our community, (they met at an recreational activity that I don't participate in several years ago - got that classic one, too), he has tried to prove in everyway that he will not go back and I believe him - and in this context, is "full exposure" really necessary? We are working through "His Needs, Her Needs" together, have the DVD set, etc, and are making this a priority. We are in the beginning phases, but have spent more time together and talked more in the last two months than we have in the last two years. (We have been married for 21 years)
I have read through some of "exposure 101", but our situation does not seem to be the usual. So my question is, what would be the benefit of full exposure - I think I would be more embarrassed by a "reveal"(yes, I know - not my fault) and our kids would as well. He will do whatever I want.
So is it necessary?
I had realized things weren't right and had made some changes in how I was treating and responding to my husband, and he responded positively immediately. Ironically, within a few days I discovered his affair. He had ended it before I found out, but after the changes had started taking place. It had started as a friendship several years ago, then progressed a few months ago to where they confided in each other (through messaging)about their respective problems in their marriages, yada yada (so classic!)and had progressed to the physical only a month before I found out.
I waited a couple of weeks to tell him I knew - in the meantime keeping tabs on him and his messages/texts/etc - he did not see or call her - at one point they were supposed to meet - which had been set up a couple of weeks prior, and he did not try to go to where they were supposed to meet - instead he made specific arrangements to be with me at that time, and she actually called him when he didn't show - he glaced at his phone and declined the call since he was with me - I had not yet told him that I knew, so I do believe he honestly was at that point ready to end it and not sure how to do it. He did text her to let her know that things had changed and we were working on our relationship - she actually encouraged him to try at that point, but wanted to remain friends "whatever he decided".
When I confronted him with the fact that I knew, and that I had already made the decision to fight for our marriage, he immediately agreed to cut off all contact, he has been apologetic, completely transparent in his activities, access to phone, ipad, facebook, etc. He texts me often, including pictures of where he is and what he is doing. He gives me his receipts with times on them when he has them so I know where and when he has been. He volunteered to do whatever I needed him to - shout it from the roof, confess to whoever, etc. Before ever seeing this site, he determined that he would not go to an event where the OW would be and made other arrangements to not be where she would be, without my prompting.
He has done everything he can to express his profound regret and sadness at how he has hurt me, and has offered to go to counseling, take courses, or whatever I need him to do in order to save our marriage. He acknowledges that my responses to him and not trying to meet his needs were a result of the way he was not meeting my needs and feels like all of our problems come back to him not living up to his responsibilities in our marriage.
I have not exposed his affair for several reasons. One is that I don't know what the OW's BS would do - I don't know him, but by reputation I could potentially see him coming after my husband in a violent manner. My husband has been a leader in various capacies in our church, and while I doubt that this would change, it would really be a negative on something that has always been a positive - he has years of positive service and influence on teens and young adults in our church.
We have four teenaged sons,and they do not know. They do not suspect anything has ever been wrong - we have rarely fought or argued, and they have even made comments about how they are so glad that we aren't like so many of their friend's parents who yell and scream or are divorced, etc. I think it would be very traumatic for them at this point, although I can see telling them later, maybe when they are getting married and pointing out how to not let this happen to them, etc.
So the affair has ended, he told OW it was over after I confronted him, she does not live in our community, (they met at an recreational activity that I don't participate in several years ago - got that classic one, too), he has tried to prove in everyway that he will not go back and I believe him - and in this context, is "full exposure" really necessary? We are working through "His Needs, Her Needs" together, have the DVD set, etc, and are making this a priority. We are in the beginning phases, but have spent more time together and talked more in the last two months than we have in the last two years. (We have been married for 21 years)
I have read through some of "exposure 101", but our situation does not seem to be the usual. So my question is, what would be the benefit of full exposure - I think I would be more embarrassed by a "reveal"(yes, I know - not my fault) and our kids would as well. He will do whatever I want.
So is it necessary?