This week, my world fell apart. I have been in a committed relationship for 10 years, married for 3. A few days ago, I caught my wife late at night telling someone else she loved them.

I suspected a while ago that there might be someone else, but convinced myself it was nothing and I should trust her. Turns out my suspicions were correct. On confronting her, she admitted the affair had been going on for many months, and she loves me "as a friend but nothing more". We have not been intimate for around 2 years, I talked to her previously about it and at the time she said she had personnal image issues, so I waited and hoped things would get better.

I am now lost and rudderless. We have a great time together and enjoy each other's company, but now she says she does not see me in any other way than friends, and can't see that changing. I told her I intend to fight for our marriage and she needs to end it with the married OM, but she says she cannot decide, will not stop talking to him, and any discussion about it turns to her moving out, says I am trying to trap her and its not fair on me. She does seem genuinely distressed at the hurt she has caused, but at the same time she shows no sign of interest fixing things, saying she has felt this way for a long time.

Involving my family would likely destroy any chance of us rebuilding from here, they are the sort that does not forgive or forget. She says she wants to pretend over christmas then we'll talk, although I feel that might have more to do with her having time to find somewhere else to live than about any desire for reconcilliation.

I have tried to stay calm throughout, kept things light between us outside of these frank discussions and show a positive outlook, but I feel like I am falling apart. I have looked at plans A and B, but cannot see them doing anything other than more harm right now. How can I move forward from here.

Hi Pen, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am so sorry for the reasons that bring you here. Marriage Builders has a step by step process for ending an affair and saving your marriage. It is the most effective process that I have ever seen. While there are no guarantees, following these steps provide the best chance at saving your marriage.

Your first step is to kill the affair. You must do this first in order to have any chance at saving your marriage. Since affairs thrive on secrecy, exposure is ruinous. We have had affairs end the very day they were exposed. Affairs are fantasy relationships so exposing them is very much like bringing in a crowd of people to the crack house to watch the crackheads get high. It not only ruins the high, but it allows them to see how ridiculous they look through the eyes of others.

Many affairs are killed the day they are exposed; those that are not, face hastened deaths because having an affair is no fun anymore when others are looking on in horror and disgust.

The sooner you expose, the more likely you are to kill the affair. Exposing the affair before Christmas would be especially effective because it is a time when people are focused on family. Your family members and the OM's family members would have the opportunity to confront them about the affair. The timing could not possibly be more IDEAL.

Please go read the thread on exposure that is linked in my signature. It will help you understand the value of exposure and give you a step by step plan.

Plan A would very likely save your marriage. It is not time to go into Plan B. I know it feels that it might be harmful, but the necessary steps to save your marriage are very counterintuitive.

Most men are under the illusion that avoiding conflict and avoiding their wife's anger at all cost will save their marriage. But it is the opposite. Your marriage can survive her temporary anger over exposure; but it cannot survive an ongoing affair.

The men and women here who are in fully recovered marriages attribute it to exposure. Exposure saved our marriages.

The difficulty I have is exposing them would necessarily make my family aware, which would likely make a future life between the two of us vastly harder.

If you don't expose, you won't have a future with her. You should make your family fully aware of the affair.

Let me tell you, I just exposed and I got a flood of support from our family and friends. It felt great to not have to pretend anymore. I was dreading pretending over Christmas as well, and now I don't have to. I feel more in charge than I have at any other point since finding out about the affair. My WH is very upset and not talking to me. He hasn't even read my PBL, but the way I see it, I know I'm trying 110% and if he walks away from me now forever, at least I know I'm not in a loveless marriage and I will survive. You can do it too.

She wants you to enable her affair by keeping her secret for her and her OM. That way, she can keep you around as an option and maintain complete control of the situation. Dr Harley would tell you that it is very hard to save a marriage when you enable an affair.

Keeping her secret enables your wife and this married man to carry on their affair in secrecy. That is not in your best interest or the best interest of your marriage.

Thank you for the support. I keep thinking this may ruin Christmas for everyone, but then Christmas is not about gifts and games, it is about family, and this will give everyone something else to talk about besides how dry the turkey is, heh.

Have you seen this?
Conflict Avoidance is the Kiss of Death

I agree. But it won't ruin Christmas; it will ruin the affair. That is a good thing, not a bad thing. Christmas is about family. And you and your wife need your families the most right now. Family is not just for the good times, it is for the bad times too.

The kindest, most compassionate thing you can do for the OM's family is tell his wife that her marriage is being destroyed behind her back so she can protect herself. Giving her the chance to save her marriage is the greatest gift you can give her.

I hadn't, but it fits me like a hand in a glove. I have always found conflict hard with people I care about, the more I care the harder it gets.

I can't think of a more appropriate time to ruin an affair than Christmas!

The OM's BW needs to be informed. She probably knows something is wrong with her marriage and probably blames herself.

You need to expose this.

I know, the hardest bit of all, but also I can see one of the most necessary. I am not 100% if I have the right person to contact (could be a different family member), so writing that message will be especially hard.

I would want to know if the roles were reversed, however hard. That is one I won't expect to be warmly received.

You have a lot going for you here.

Christmas is the best time to expose. As she has already expressed, she wants a family Christmas untouched by the affair. Well if she wants that, she will have to give up the A.

Your family being hard on affairs is brilliant news. The last thing you want is a bunch of 'forgive and forget' enablers. Those types of families tell the WW to go off into the sunset with OM and just be happy. Your lot sound like they will need her to work hard to EARN forgiveness. Wonderful.

It's perfectly natural for a WW to feel brotherly love for her betrayed husband. Women can't love two people at the same time, but her love for you is still there - or she wouldn't feel any kind of love.

However men compartmentalise and tend to love both women equally. WW's tend to get dumped by their married lovers. Exposing to the OMW is your best shot by far.

Make sure you follow the exposure instructions in Melody Lane's signature exactly. You want to expose to everyone at once and really rock your wife's world in one shot.

If you get her super duper mad then you will know you have hit the right nerves and reactivated her shame.

Right now asking for a 'pretend' Christmas shows she has no shame at all - it has been dulled by the affair and the secrecy. Let her see how nasty it really is.

Pen, These fine people know what they are talking about. They gave me great advice I was hesitant to take as well for fear of making things worse or making my WS more angry and more determined to divorce me. I waffled and didn't follow the advice to a T... now I am in the process of a divorce. I enabled the affair by being "nice" and they now live together, she has literally taken my place and is out in the open as the love of his life. I will be divorced by Valentine's Day if the paperwork goes smoothly. Don't be me. Please listen to these folks.

If a spouse divorces because the other spouse uncovered the ugly truth, than that spouse is not worth the paper the marriage certificate was printed on. Simple as that.

But much, much more importantly, exposure destroys the affair and gives the betrayed spouse his or her best chance of recovering the marriage. That's because a healthy marriage has no chance if there is an affair in the picture. And the affair won't go away on its own if the fantasy is keep alive through secrecy. In fact, its the secrecy and taboo that makes it so irresistible to these crack addicts.

This has been proven over and over, whereas enabling has not been proven to be an effective strategy unless being a doormat is the objective.

Wild horses would not stop a spouse from pursuing reconciliation, much less exposure.

I think your family will be shocked that you felt you could not come to them for help and support. Exposure is not just about getting the truth out there but also about getting support for both the BS and for influencing the WS to stop their hurtful behaviour.

Who is this OM and how does your wife know him? Is he married with children?

Pen,

This was a framework given to me by a wily vet on the forum who is sorely missed. Just passing it along...if you want to have a chance of saving your marriage, if you want to save your wife from the destructive path she's heading down with POSOM...

Here is your game plan. Most betrayed husbands haven't the courage to follow it fully,
to their own discomfiture. Those that do have remarkably better results than the rest.

THE BETRAYED HUSBAND SURVIVAL KIT

1- KEEP ALL THESE ARRANGEMENTS SECRET FROM YOUR WAYWARD WIFE!
2 � Put a keylogger on any computer you can access that she might use.
3 � Put a spy program on any cell that she might use. (�Eblaster� can cover #4 as well.)
4 � Put a GPS on her car, reporting to your computer.
5 � Put a VAR in her car, and in any room she might use to take �personal� calls
6 � Get a mini-audio-recorder, and have it in your possession and �on� whenever in her presence.
7 � Put together an e-address list of anyone who might have influence on her � parents, siblings (sisters, especially), coworkers, college friends, clergy, hairdresser, anyone.
8 � Put together a similar list for the POSOM.


WHEN YOU HAVE SUFFICIENT EVIDENCE,

9 � Put together the electronic evidence for each AP.
10 - Write a cover note for your wife�s contacts, to the tune of: �I must unhappily inform you that my wife, XXXXXX, is carrying on an illicit affair with YYYYYY. I am hoping to recover our marriage, and ask if you have any influence over her, to urge her to abandon her cheating lifestyle and return to me and our family. Her cell number is 111-222-3333�
11 � Write a similar note to POSOM�s contacts.
12 � Send out both packages, to all contacts at one time.
13 � Brace yourself.

You are trying to trap her? That is ridiculous. You are her husband and another man is attacking your marriage behind your back.

Expose.

Pen, whenever you find yourself even thinking "she says...."

REMEMBER: That person speaking is not your wife. The person speaking is the alien created by addiction to an affair. That person talks only to protect and pursue the affair. Behind the alien, your wife is still there. Only the truth, and no contact with OM, will set her free.

Trying to get evidence for the OM's BS, I realise that I have little, all of it circumstantial. A few social media comments that tie in with specific dates and events I know happened, but I can't show a solid connection between them and it could be explained away. For me it is more than enough, and my WS contacts know me, but for a stranger caught off guard....?

I can't throw the switch on this all for a couple of days anyway (there is a specific and logical reason why that I can't share, I am not just stalling) but do I wait and attempt to gather more solid proof? I don't want to leave this any longer than I absolutely have to.

Uh, dude, you have your WW's confession that this has been going on for many months. That's all you need. Call the woman.

True.

I'm just thinking how I'd react if I had an IM from someone I'd never heard of said my wife was sleeping with someone else I'd never heard of.

I guess a) the fact that I'd been told would be enough on its own to get me asking questions and b) there'd never be enough proof, I'd need to find out for myself to be sure.

Send her an IM informing her who you are with your phone number. Tell her that you have some important information that she should know about and to give you a call to discuss the matter. You don't have to drop the whole load on her via IM. Just get her to contact you.

ETA: See if you can somehow track down her address or phone as well.

You have plenty of evidence with her confession. The OMs wife probably already knows too.

The day has arrived, tomorrow is the big E...the start of...whatever comes next. I hope I have the strength to see it through.

We have spent the day planning christmas, wrapping presents, putting up the tree, a really nice day.

I guess I got a little too upbeat at one point, got told "stop planning, you don't know what I'll decide." Even then, that specific reminder of what has lead up to this, even then I can't bear that I will cause her pain. It is killing me, knowing what I am about to do. But I know I can't carry on like this, things have to change. I don't know if it is the right thing, I don't know if I am doing it for the right reasons, I don't know anything anymore...and the worst is still to come.

Do I change all my passwords. Do I hide the car keys. Do I dress up for when she comes home. Do I give it all up and live with it. Do I just find somewhere to hide till everything goes away. Am I doing this just out of spite. Do I ask everyone to be gentle with my sweetheart. Will she be ok if she runs away. Is she too stubborn to forgive me. Am I just fooling myself that this could work...a thousand unanswered questions are swirling around in my pounding head while I smile and agree about how bad the person's outfit on the TV is.

She asked me if I was feeling ok, I say I'm feeling unwell. She suggests I go to bed early (she has been sleeping in another room since D-day, her choice). Was it concern for me, or getting rid of me to talk to the OM. I don't know anymore. I don't know anything anymore. I feel like I've read every blog, analysed every opinion, weighed every option, and I am never going to be certain which way is best. All I know is that I will own this decision. For better or worse, it is my decision to make and I will nail it to the wall and I will live with the consequences.

I can't do anything else.

Pen, good luck tomorrow, we will all be thinking of you. No, you won't be the one causing your W pain�you are going to be the one who is bringing HER choices to the light so that they can be seen in reality.

Speaking from experience, the first E is the toughest. After that, you'll see that the support starts pouring in and you'll KNOW that you did the right thing.

My biggest concern are your plans. Please show us your plans, along with timing, targets [not names but relationships], exposure tactic and give some examples of your emails, talking points. That way we can give you feedback to make sure you are doing it effectively.

You don't need to hide car keys, change passwords or dress up. I know it is scary but remember the goal here is to save your marriage, not to avoid her anger at all costs. And no, you don't ask everyone to be "gentle" with your wife, she is not a little child. She is a grown woman who is in need of your help. You are helping her by exposing her affair.

I am very glad you are exposing. I did not give you much chance of hope unless you decided to do this.

One key piece of advice I can give you is to go large. If you do just a little trickle exposure, you will not do enough to kill the affair but you will make the affairees mad enough to come after you. Expose to as many people as possible, especially on the OM's side. Since he is a married man, it is very likely he will dump her quickly.


You don't need her forgiveness,[you did nothing wrong] but she is very likely to overcome her anger *IF* you successfully kill the affair. Anger over exposure is a result of the fog and the fog is the result of contact with her OM.

Are you prepared for her anger and threats of "divorce" and "I was going to give you a chance but now I am not??" that is what they all say. It is like taking the bar keys away from the falling down drunk. They are furious!! But it is the right thing to do.

I have listed:

My and her parents
Her best friend & her partner (according to WS does not know)
2 of my good friends including my best man
7 of her close friends
2 work colleagues...
One was unfortunately an innocent bystander for the initial discovery but may not know all the facts.
The other was fully aware and an enabler with similar tendencies. I don't know if this will have any benefit, but I see no reason not to. I fully expect a negative response from this one.

The OM's wife, and I believe I have identified his sister. I know nothing about him or his family, so it is hard to be sure. I have also identified 3 other potential relatives from FB, but again not certain at all on relationships.

I won't notify her work beyond those that already know, I can't put her career at risk irrespective of everything else going on.

Is this a workplace affair?


HOW are you exposing to these people? Does the OM have a facebook page? Do you have a plan to contact his parents? Have you tried to find them? Have you tried to find any of the wife's relatives on facebook?


If this is a workplace affair, do you intend on exposing it officially to the director of HR?

Planning on telling parents first, followed by a message to all of the other people on my friends list, followed by individual messages to those I don't have direct contact with, all tomorrow.

I also plan to notify my manager at work, to explain in case there is any fallout on that front.

I would expose in this order:

1. OM's wife and parents
2. your close family
3. OM's facebook friends
4. your wifes friends

This is a long distance affair, hence me knowing little of the details of his family. The majority of the messages will be going out through facebook, especially her friends and his relatives, as I do not have contact details for them outside of there. I am aware of the limitation of sending messages to non-friends with facebook from reading on here, will pay the fee.

I have found a facebook page for a linked older man that could be OM's father, but it looks abandoned. OM's own page is blocked, so I have had to find all my information by going through pages connected to his. I do not know the wife's maiden name, so I do not have the first clue who her parents may be.

HOW are you contacting the OM's wife?

Is this a workplace affair?

Do you have a way to contact his parents and/or the OMW's parents?

ok, good. You should also copy and paste the contact list for safe keeping because when he finds out what you are doing, he will shut down the page. I would also ask them to contact the OM's parents and have them call you.

What about the OMW? Do you have her contact info?

Can you post your letter?


Can you get the OM's parent's phone #?

Smart of you to get info from OM's connections pages!! I feel more assured now because you were clever enough to do that.

Can you get the phone # of the OM's house so you can call the OMW?

How are you planning on contacting her?

I was intending to send the OM's wife a facebook message saying something like:

My name is <blah>, I am aware that you don't know me and this is a very unusual situation but I have some important personal information that you should be made aware of. This would be better discussed over the phone than by text, so please could you call me on <XXX> as soon as you are able.

The affair is not work related in any way.

I have no reliable way of contacting his parents, I know his work place address and I have found his wife through google because her profile is open on FB and lists him as "married"

Dear relatives and friends of <WS>

This is one of the must difficult things I have ever had to write. With a very heavy heart I have to tell you that in the last week I have discovered that <WS> has been conducting an affair with <OM>, a married man from <OM's hometown>, for several months. I have asked <WS> to stop and cut all contact with the man, but she is reluctant.

I love <WS> with all my heart, and dearly hope that we can fix what has been broken within our relationship. For this reason I am asking that (if you feel you can) please could you talk to <WS> about ending this harmful affair and work with me to rebuild and recover.

I will append my and her phone #, email.

After your prompting, I've just had another thought and done some more digging....discovered a way I can probably identify the OM's phone # tomorrow. Will try that first.

In terms of proof, I have a number of screenshots from twitter showing where they refer indirectly to one another or post the same content, including one that contains a photo that is identifiably my WS on his feed (they are not "friends" on any network).

I also know specifically which event they both met at. I will offer this to anyone that wants to see it, with notes from me for context.

Tell her in the opening message about the affair and give your wife's name so will know why this is urgent. You should send this in ADDITION to calling her to make sure you get ahold of her.


Keep trying to track down his parents.

Perfect!

I would also focus on your wife's admission. Tell them she had confessed the affair is "not hiding it."

Have you scrubbed the OMW's facebook list for the OM's parents? Are there any contacts with her married name?

I would also expose to any of the OMW's close family if you can identify them.. They can help contact her if you have any trouble.

Be sure and include your phone # in all communications. And when you contact the OMW, add your wife's cell phone #.

You are doing great! The most important thing is that you get ahold of the OMW when you expose. That is the MOST CRITICAL EXPOSURE.

Done. That was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. She is coming home to talk.

Great Job!

Now it is on to a Super Plan A. Good that she is coming home to talk. Remember to stay pleasant and no love busters while you are talking. You love her very much, value your marriage, and are willing to work together to meet each other's emotional needs AFTER she has ended all contact with the OM.

Do not get upset at WW anger. They rage after being exposed. It is to scare the BH to stop any more exposure from happening.

Do not let her bait you into a fight.

WW talks divorce. You say I do not talk divorce only marriage. Then you change the subject and if need be leave the room. Hop into the car and go disappear in your car to run an errand.

Great job, Pen...

Good job!! Did you get ahold of the OM's wife and family? That is the most important thing.

When your wife comes home, you must DEMAND that she end all contact for life with the OM and send him a no contact letter.

Can someone please post the suggested no contact letter? I am at another computer.

[from SAA, pg 58]

OM, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my husband and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused him, I will do my best to become the wife he has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

Sincerely, XXXXX

Thanks! PEN, come back and give us a blow by blow of your exposure. I want to make sure you have closed all the gaps.

OM wife knows. She texted me to say she would ring when calmer. I repeated how sorry I was, she said it wasn't my fault, neither of us did this.

Both sets of WS and my parents know, spoke to both. Supportive, angry, sad.

Kept my cool when she came home, lots of deep breaths, said that the issues in our marriage were both of ours to deal with, but the events today were all on her. She burned out after a couple of hours. She says affair is over (yes, I know, she says....) just keeps talking about separate christmases, moving out, its over etc. Won't engage in any talk about fixing things, apart from with scorn.

I can't see how forcing the issue of a NC letter will do much until she's had time for this to sink in. Right now with her so sad and cold, it is hard to see things changing at all. I feel hollow, sick and totally drained.

you did good keeping your cool. Ignore the scorn, just be a broken record, I value our marriage, I'm willing to work on it as soon as you go NC with OM, etc. Get out and go for a drive if it becomes tough to hold your temper.

I'll let others address the NC letter.

I know how sad and draining this is. It's the worst thing that most of us will ever go through. Take extra care of yourself right now and remember to drink water and eat something. You've got to be the strong one for now.

Please follow up with this and make sure you speak to her. I cannot tell you how many times an affair partner has sent an email or text pretending to the be betrayed spouse. Your average married cheater is always on the lookout for an exposure letter.

Both sets of WS and my parents know, spoke to both. Supportive, angry, sad.


Well, you cant force her to do anything. But you should DEMAND that she end her affair and send the OM a letter saying that very thing. If she has "ended" her affair as she says, then she shouldn't have an issue with that.

I think all of this may have just been the nail in a long hidden coffin.

I was hoping that we could work on something together over christmas, but she is insistent that she is leaving for her parents and won't be back until new year.

She has also been looking for apartments to rent in the new year. She still hasn't said she is definitely moving out, but it does feel like that is just a holding pattern till she has found somewhere, and she's certainly shown no interest in working to fix anything. Essentially right now we are 2 people sharing a small apartment.

I don't know for certain that the OMW knows, all I have is a text message and I have been asked to stop any further contact. I have no other avenue to follow there that I can see.

A NC letter: WS refuses saying that enough harm has already been done, and it seems pointless if WS will not commit to anything at all either way.

I think what reserves of hope I had are rapidly disappearing. I have been concentrating on myself, eating right, got a good haircut, trying to get back into the swing of things at work, arranging to meet up with friends. It feels like the only positive action I can take.

What has happened is the OMW doesn't know yet so the affair went further underground. Your wife wants to move out to carry on the affair in peace.

I would FIND the OMW and talk to her. She will help you kill the affair.

You MUST find and contact the OMW.

Exposing to her will assist in killing the affiar.

Get to it!

Until you face the OMW you will never know if the OM intercepted your messages.

I hope you are getting the message. The other man's wife must be contacted by you. Until you take all the steps necessary to kill the affair, there is no hope in saving your marriage.