a) When was the moment of truth for you? At what point did you know for sure that your spouse had an A ?( EA and/ or PA)

b) How did you react when you "knew?"

a) I knew he was having an A when I felt decided to break in his phone since he had kept it so guarded for me within the last week. I saw the text messages that said, "I miss you" "I'm thinking of you" OW asked him, "Are you back with your wife? " We hadn't even ever broken up. I had left for a few days because he was verbally abusive and posturing as if he would hurt me. I didn't know at this point if it was EA or a PA. I knew it was betrayal. How can you miss another woman? He also was making plans to go see her that day.

b) I physically felt sick to my stomach. I felt the hairs on my body rise and my heart beat quicken. The blood was rushing and I calmly walked into the living room and asked him to focus on our family. I asked that he spend the entire day with our DD and I and help around the house. I sent him downstairs to do laundry, so that I could snoop some more. I was calm the rest of the day. I arranged for my MIL to watch our DD that night while I set up a "date night" with my WH. I had copied her number into my cell phone and proceeded to check our phone logs. It was clear they had only been "chatting" for about a week. I still didn't know who she was at this point. I checked his phone periodically throughout the day to gather more information. The text messages got flirtier and flirtier with heavy sexual undertones. My revelation came at about 5:00 that night when he left his Skype open with her demanding a phone call. It had her name listed at the top. I was crushed when I realized who it was. How could he have an affair on me with that woman? She has a reputation of sleeping around, messing around with married/partnered men, being an alcoholic and someone with no direction in life. I set up our "date night" and when I got home from dropping our DD off, I confronted him. His eyes got wide and he was sweating profusely. He denied everything, until I said, I've seen your text messages. You can't lie anymore. All he would say was he hadn't slept with her or anyone else and he wasn't saying anymore. I demanded he stop the relationship whatever it was and focus on his health and our family. He said she was not a factor. Boy, was I wrong. Now we're in process of Plan B.

I knew about 2 weeks into (her 2nd affair). I had created a fake email account to try and catch her by trying to flirt with her since I had no definitive proof. It didn't work. I had to wait about 9 1/2 more months to get enough proof (they were pretty sneaky and I didn't have a lot of free time at my job (in my mind anyway) where i could really snoop). I finally caught them in a lie. Felt like I was shot in the stomach

A) I'd received some advice on here that my marital problems were due to an A. The posters here even identified the OW - my recently widowed best friend.

I was not even remotely convinced but just hearing this advice caused some scales to fall from my eyes. The next time she sympathetically asked "So how are you two doing?" I HEARD an eager tone in her voice which had been hidden before.

So I replied (truthfully) that we'd gone on an amazing (Plan A) date which had ended with us snogging like teenagers (that's kissing, non Brits). When she tried to respond fake-supportively, her voice sounded like a wounded thing. That's when I just knew 100 per cent.

B) Full on adrenaline, detective/reporter mode came into force. I snooped like a bloodhound without much sleeping or eating until I got the goods a few days later.

I have to admit that I was pretty naive in the beginning. Kiss had been acting distant and cold and just not himself. I really didn't have a clue. I think something caught my eye on the internet. Something like "how to tell if your spouse is cheating" kind of thing. When I read it...my heart dropped. One of the tips was a lot of hidden phone activity. Kiss always had the phone on him and would put it under his pillow while he slept. So, I checked our cell phone records and sure enough there were hundreds of texts and middle of the night phone calls to one certain number. I remember the room spinning and I was in complete panic. I was at work and someone had just come in the door and TO THIS DAY, I can't see her without remembering that "moment of truth".

My mistake was confronting him and getting the "she's just a friend from work that I talk to". That put my focus on getting him to stop being too friendly (God, I was gutless!) and I printed out articles about Emotional affairs to show him that he was treading on dangerous ground (BTW, they had already had sex at this point). Naive, yes?

It wasn't until a month later (December 9, 2011 to be exact, a day before we were going away for a romantic weekend!) that I finally was able to see a text on his phone from him to her that said "I can't sleep at night. All I do is think about you" (Ingrained in my brain, right?). That is when I KNEW. The best thing I ever did was snooping to get the facts that I needed, otherwise I would have been in the dark and would not have been able to do everything I did to save our marriage.

If I'm honest my 'moment of truth' from her nonsensical note of heartbreak was pure relief - it wasn't my fault. I wasn't a horrible person to be married to. I was just being shamelessly played and I was no longer a target to be fooled.

This is why I can't understand reluctance to expose and give that relief to other spouses.