Marriage Builders
Posted By: StillTrying51 In Desperate Need of Help!! - 03/19/14 03:55 PM
I would appreciate anyone�s advice. I�ve been married 30 years. 3 years ago, I had an affair with my first love (from when I was 18). He is also married. My husband discovered the affair, we were separated for a short time, he decided to forgive me and we agreed to rebuild our marriage. I thank God everyday that he was able to do that. I promised myself at the time that I would never, ever have the attitude of �why haven�t you gotten over this yet� because I was not in his shoes, feeling the pain that he felt, and I needed to give him space and room to get over this � no matter how long it takes. My problem, now, isn�t the length of time that he�s taken in �getting over this� � it�s that he refuses to get any type (Christian or secular) of counseling. He has no friends, literally. He has acquaintances, but he doesn�t confide in them. He�s a very private person, so I know that he�s dealing with this pain on his own. He used to lead 2 bible studies, so reading God�s word all of the time was rejuvenating for him. Now, he not only doesn�t read his bible anymore, he doesn�t even want to go to church. We used to have 2-3 couples that we were friends with (prior to the affair), but they refused to have anything to do with me after the affair was discovered, so in support of me, he separated himself from them. A noble thing to do for me, but I believe inwardly, he is blaming me for losing these friends. He makes no effort to meet new people and when I suggest that he join a men�s group or that we join a couple�s group, he refuses. He hasn�t made love to me in over 2 years. He says �he can�t�. That every time he begins, all he can think of is me with the other man. He�s drinking more (although I don�t believe he would qualify as an alcoholic). I�ve talked to him, to no avail. He won�t get help. We are further apart then ever, and I don�t know what else to do.
Posted By: StillTrying51 Re: In Desperate Need of Help!! - 03/19/14 05:12 PM
Forgot to add - my contact with the affair partner ended immediately upon discovery. I've been open to my husband searching my emails or texts whenever he likes. He's also a computer guy-so he knows how to do deep searches. He says that he trusts me that it has stopped - and it has - so that isn't the issue.
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: In Desperate Need of Help!! - 03/19/14 05:17 PM
The problem is that you have not recovered from the affair.
Dr. Harley is a national expert on affair recovery and authored the authoritative book, Surviving an Affair.

The book is a detailed program of affair recovery.
If you follow the program, you will be in love with each other.
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: In Desperate Need of Help!! - 03/19/14 05:32 PM
Originally Posted by Stillhurting51
Forgot to add - my contact with the affair partner ended immediately upon discovery. I've been open to my husband searching my emails or texts whenever he likes. He's also a computer guy-so he knows how to do deep searches. He says that he trusts me that it has stopped - and it has - so that isn't the issue.

The problem is that you have not recovered from the affair. Your marriage is a crippled version of the pre-affair marriage.

Do either of you EVER see the OM? Does he live close by?
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: In Desperate Need of Help!! - 03/19/14 05:34 PM
When there has been an affair, that inflicts a huge gaping wound to the marriage. If that wound is not healed and replaced with a better marriage, the resentment grows years after year.

That is what Marriage Builders does, it restores the romantic love to your marriage wiping out the trauma of the past. That program can be found in the book Surviving an Affair. There is a workbook that goes with it, Five Steps to Romantic Love. They sell the books cheap here or you can write Dr Harley on his radio show and he will give you a free book if he reads your story on the air.
Posted By: StillTrying51 Re: In Desperate Need of Help!! - 03/19/14 05:35 PM
No - neither of us see him. He is over 1000 miles away in another state. And if the problem is the non-recovery of our marriage - what can I do if I'm willing to seek help but he isn't. I can't think of anything that I'm not doing to help him.
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: In Desperate Need of Help!! - 03/19/14 05:37 PM
Originally Posted by Stillhurting51
No - neither of us see him. He is over 1000 miles away in another state. And if the problem is the non-recovery of our marriage - what can I do if I'm willing to seek help but he isn't. I can't think of anything that I'm not doing to help him.

But helping him is not the issue. The issue is recovering your marriage. That takes very specific steps. I would get those books, read them and then sell him on the solution.
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: In Desperate Need of Help!! - 03/19/14 05:38 PM
Did your husband inform the OM's wife of the affair? Was the affair exposed?
Posted By: StillTrying51 Re: In Desperate Need of Help!! - 03/19/14 05:39 PM
Yes - he did. I've seen the book on here for 14.99 - does that include the workbook or is it another book? Also - should I get one for me and one for him?
Posted By: txstunnedman Re: In Desperate Need of Help!! - 03/19/14 05:41 PM
Originally Posted by Stillhurting51
No - neither of us see him. He is over 1000 miles away in another state. And if the problem is the non-recovery of our marriage - what can I do if I'm willing to seek help but he isn't. I can't think of anything that I'm not doing to help him.

You need to take the lead to provide just compensation. The book Surviving an Affair outlines exactly how to do this. You're husband will not recover from the A without Just Compensation, instead his resentment will only grow and grow.
Posted By: StillTrying51 Re: In Desperate Need of Help!! - 03/19/14 05:46 PM
But 'Surviving an Affair' by the title alone sounds as if it is for the spouse that was betrayed. If I've cut off all communication with the OM, and do my best on an everyday basis to love my husband and fill his needs but he isn't communicating with me - how can a book help me?
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: In Desperate Need of Help!! - 03/19/14 05:52 PM
Originally Posted by Stillhurting51
But 'Surviving an Affair' by the title alone sounds as if it is for the spouse that was betrayed. If I've cut off all communication with the OM, and do my best on an everyday basis to love my husband and fill his needs but he isn't communicating with me - how can a book help me?
It helps you "affair proof" your marriage and shows what a horrible act you've committed against your husband.
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: In Desperate Need of Help!! - 03/19/14 05:54 PM
Originally Posted by Stillhurting51
Forgot to add - my contact with the affair partner ended immediately upon discovery. I've been open to my husband searching my emails or texts whenever he likes. He's also a computer guy-so he knows how to do deep searches. He says that he trusts me that it has stopped - and it has - so that isn't the issue.
Have you changed all your contact information? Written a NC letter?

What EPs have you put in place?

Have you been tested for STD/I?
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: In Desperate Need of Help!! - 03/19/14 05:56 PM
Please read.
What is Just Compensation?
Posted By: Darkguy Re: In Desperate Need of Help!! - 03/19/14 05:56 PM
Originally Posted by Stillhurting51
But 'Surviving an Affair' by the title alone sounds as if it is for the spouse that was betrayed. If I've cut off all communication with the OM, and do my best on an everyday basis to love my husband and fill his needs but he isn't communicating with me - how can a book help me?

This concerns me as a BH (betrayed husband). Just compensation requires you to do whatever it takes to repair the marriage and show your love for your BH. Questioning a method without even trying said method isn't "whatever takes". Seems your a looking for a quick fix, there isn't one. Read the book cover to cover and follow the plan.
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: In Desperate Need of Help!! - 03/19/14 05:57 PM
Also this.
Extraordinary Precautions-Revised SAA
Posted By: StillTrying51 Re: In Desperate Need of Help!! - 03/19/14 06:04 PM
Then it seems that I have mis-spoke. What I meant to say is that it 'appears' not it 'is' that the book seems to be directed to and only to the betrayed spouse. That is why I questioned purchasing the book. If that isn't the case, then one of you could have said 'this isn't just for the betrayed spouse - it's for you, too'. Instead of going right for the attack. Not being over-sensitive but I thought this was a forum for those who did the wrong as well as those wronged. Sorry....
Posted By: StillTrying51 Re: In Desperate Need of Help!! - 03/19/14 06:07 PM
I did do a No Contact letter. I got that information off of this website when we were separated.
Posted By: StillTrying51 Re: In Desperate Need of Help!! - 03/19/14 06:08 PM
And in looking at the revised list of Extraordinary Precautions, I have done 100% of them.
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: In Desperate Need of Help!! - 03/19/14 06:17 PM
Originally Posted by Stillhurting51
But 'Surviving an Affair' by the title alone sounds as if it is for the spouse that was betrayed. If I've cut off all communication with the OM, and do my best on an everyday basis to love my husband and fill his needs but he isn't communicating with me - how can a book help me?

It is for the COUPLE that has experienced infidelity. It has a PLAN to recover your marriage. It is not enough to just affair proof your marriage. You must create a happy, romantic, integrated marriage that is BETTER than what you had. Otherwise, oyu just end up with what you have now: a crippled version of the pre-affair marriage.

That book, SAA, walks you through all the steps of creating a great marriage. Here is an overview of those steps: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5061_qa.html

It is much like an alcoholic. It is not enough for an alcoholic to just stop drinking. He needs to clean up his life and go through very specific steps to overcome the damage created by drinking and to prevent a repeat.
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: In Desperate Need of Help!! - 03/19/14 06:18 PM
Originally Posted by Stillhurting51
And in looking at the revised list of Extraordinary Precautions, I have done 100% of them.

That is great! That is the first step. The NEXT steps are to create a new marriage.
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: In Desperate Need of Help!! - 03/19/14 06:20 PM
SH, another great resource is the free MB radio program. It is an excellent resource for understanding how the program works. They have a daily show during the week and they replay it for 24 hours until the next show.
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: In Desperate Need of Help!! - 03/19/14 06:23 PM
Originally Posted by Stillhurting51
Not being over-sensitive but I thought this was a forum for those who did the wrong as well as those wronged. Sorry....

It is very much for you too!! I am glad you are here! We can help you turn this around. smile

My suggestion would be to get one SAA for now, read it and then sell the program to him. The workbook comes separately. I think it costs about $11. It has all the worksheets in it. You can get the worksheets free here, but the nice thing about the workbook is that it has lessons and instructions in it.
Posted By: StillTrying51 Re: In Desperate Need of Help!! - 03/19/14 06:27 PM
Thank you - ML - you've been the kindest responder - so I appreciate you very much. smile I couldn't find the workbook in the 'Books' section though. Does it have a different title? I looked up Surviving an Affair and it says its a hardcover for 14.99. I'll get the workbook too but can't locate it? Thanks again.
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: In Desperate Need of Help!! - 03/19/14 06:39 PM
Here you go! http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6090_step.html

Here is an summary of what recovery would look like and it looks like you have done a lot of this already so you are halfway there. So, the next steps for you would be to implement the basic concepts:

Originally Posted by Dr Harley
The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide.

I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail.

The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy.

This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that
will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted.

An analysis of the wayward spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them.

After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts
as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance.
here
Posted By: Gamma Re: In Desperate Need of Help!! - 03/19/14 07:08 PM
SH51,

Have you been tested for STDs, there is no telling how many partners your OM had, perhaps that's one of the things bothering your BH.

Has your BH confronted the OM, and how widely was the OM exposed? Has there been a downside for OM or did he walk off without a scratch?

God Bless
Gamma
Posted By: StillTrying51 Re: In Desperate Need of Help!! - 03/19/14 07:54 PM
Yes I've been tested. I initiated it then told my husband that I had. My husband confronted the OM only by email. And yes, there was a separation on his end then a reconciliation. He sent a No Contact letter to me so I believe he and his wife went thru similar steps as on this site.
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: In Desperate Need of Help!! - 03/19/14 08:05 PM
Have you changed all your contact information? Did you read the just compensation link I posted to you?
Posted By: indiegirl Re: In Desperate Need of Help!! - 03/19/14 08:11 PM
It sounds to me like you did the 'ending' of the affair and 'protecting' from another...

But that still leaves the creation of a new and more romantic marriage to be completed.

A BS who has forgiven really deserves to have a more terrific marraige than they ever had before.

Dr Harley said that when he first started counselling affair-hit couples he expected they would limp along in a crippled state forever. He was stunned when his methods led people to thrive in better marriages. He had thought who could get over something like that?

Your H believes this too, but you can start making lovebank deposits in a bid to motivate him.

It's love that motivates us to do anything and his lovebank will have taken a serious knock.

What are his top needs? Do you think he would come here and speak to other BH's to see how possible it is to recover?

Why not send him a link to this thread and say you hope to make him happier every passing day?
Posted By: pokerface Re: In Desperate Need of Help!! - 03/19/14 08:25 PM

Do you still talk about the affair? I know that kept me (BS) stuck in the past and made it hard for me to recover.

Posted By: Gamma Re: In Desperate Need of Help!! - 03/19/14 08:34 PM
SH,

Have you provided your BH with radical honesty, RH, that is where you tell him everything that happened?

For example have you had prior affairs you are still hiding, or did you minimize the sexual details when he asked.

There may have been a time period when your BH asked you many questions, which you did not answer completely truthfully, this is know as trickle truth. The problem with trickle truth is that your spouse stops trusting you and gives up.

God Bless
Gamma

Posted By: StillTrying51 Re: In Desperate Need of Help!! - 03/19/14 08:46 PM
Thank you, IG - those are good suggestions. PF - No, I don't - but whenever we talk serious (as in I'll bring up how unhappy he seems) he'll bring it up and say he's having a hard time getting past it. I just tell him that I love him and that I'll do whatever he needs me to do to prove it. He'll say 'it's not you, you're doing everything you can - it's me'. So I think I'll just try harder - until he feels more loved....
Posted By: pokerface Re: In Desperate Need of Help!! - 03/19/14 09:28 PM
Originally Posted by Stillhurting51
PF - No, I don't - but whenever we talk serious (as in I'll bring up how unhappy he seems) he'll bring it up and say he's having a hard time getting past it.


Exactly what I used to do. Once I found MB, I learned to stop talking about it and focus on the present.

I wish he would come here to post. I know that you cannot tell him that yourself. It would have seriously rubbed me the wrong way if my own FWH had told me to stop thinking and talking about it.

I needed to hear it from other BS's who had recovered.
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: In Desperate Need of Help!! - 03/19/14 10:26 PM
Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Did you read this? Listen to the clips? What did you think?
Posted By: StillTrying51 Re: In Desperate Need of Help!! - 03/19/14 11:18 PM
I've been at work and writing these on my breaks. I can't listen until I'm home. Thank you, though and I will.
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: In Desperate Need of Help!! - 03/19/14 11:19 PM
Originally Posted by Stillhurting51
I've been at work and writing these on my breaks. I can't listen until I'm home. Thank you, though and I will.
Fantastic.

I've posted many radio clips from Dr. Harley on that thread. Let us know what you think after you listen.
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: In Desperate Need of Help!! - 03/19/14 11:39 PM
SH, and it could also be that he is in the HABIT of thinking and speaking about it. We can help him with that. It is a terrible habit that some BS's get into and it keeps us mired in tragedy.

But more importantly, if you really focus on falling back in love, he will think about it less and less as time goes on.

The FASTEST way to move your relationship forward is via the policy of undivided attention. That is the KEY to dragging your marriage into a new realm. check this out: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3350_attn.html
Posted By: MindMonkey Re: In Desperate Need of Help!! - 03/20/14 06:53 PM
Originally Posted by Stillhurting51
I just tell him that I love him and that I'll do whatever he needs me to do to prove it. He'll say 'it's not you, you're doing everything you can - it's me'. So I think I'll just try harder - until he feels more loved....

BH here.

Sounds like your DH is struggling with the same stuff I was. When I said that to my wife what I really meant is that "I don't know what you can do for me, maybe there is something, maybe there isn't...but I'm going nuts right now and don't want to try and figure it out anymore."

I was/am a heavy drinker as well, probably an alcoholic. My experience was that alcohol made the mind movies worse but dreams better so it was a wash for me. But the mind movies were not what was killing me. It was the hour commute each way to/from work that was killing me. 10 hours a week of obsessive thought which ruined any chance of a good mood twice a day. So I got on an anti-depressant and started to listen to MB radio on my commutes. It really made a huge difference.

The problem is you are not in the best position to tell him this stuff, it can seem self serving....but....you have been in limbo so long and he is so obviously struggling, maybe he would take a gentle suggestion to check out this forum.

And FWIW, in my case, the return to intimacy was hit and miss. There were times I would have the mind movies and fail to perform, which would be ahuge shot to my ego. Then there would be times that I could press on which would be a huge boost. Your DH may not want to take the risk. The problem for him is he is in withdrawal. There's going to be conflict before intamacy. It's in the rules. Only the work of my FWW got me through that.

Our return to SF (TMI warning):

1. she stopped masterbating greatly increasing her sexual desire which I could feel.
2. SHE started SF everytime VERY slowly (at first just petting) using ONLY techniques that I knew she didn't share with OM. This was HUGE!
3. She made it about me, even though I knew she was aroused as well.

Of course that was just the start. Now it's much more of a 50/50 thing.

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