My wife and I have been together for 6 years, married almost 4, I will give you this in a nutshell.

on 2/13/14 My W comes home and tells me she filed for divorce , didn't have her wedding rings on and had a new cell phone that is through her mothers account.

I asked what was goingon she told me, she is miserable and she cant do it anymore. She said she has been miserable for a long time etc... I didn't beg or plead with her I just acknolwedge what she was telling me, She did tell me in the past that there were issues and I asked what can we do about them and neither one of us putthe attempt to fix them.

My wife said the main issue is my strained relationship with step son, I could go way into depth about this, but one thing is for sure he made it clear when he only wanted his mother and nobody else could have her. He's 14 now. She said I took her for granted, by not giving her the attention she needs, by me drinking, not spending time with her and the kids. I enede up on afternoon shift about one year ago and thats what eveything went down hill rapidly.

I accidentally stummbled across her affair by going to a store right next to her work mind you she did file for divorce already this was about 3 weeks after her filing, I had a suspected something was off. I drove in the parking lot at 6:15pm and her car was know where in the parking lot, she said she was working till 8:00pm< so I called her work and the answering service picked up and they were closed. I drove around looking for her but couldn't find her, so I went home.

My wife came home around 10:30pm, she came in really fast hung up her jacket and then right into the shower, she never does this. I smelled a very strong odor of firewood in the air. I then smelled her coat samething. Tis was a wednesday, and I'll rewind to saturday before, she came home around 12:45am right at the same time I get home from work, she gets in the house fast and I smelled that firewood smell again. I didn't think anything of it. She said she was going to help her girl friend clean her new house that saturday. She left around 12:00pm and comes home at 12:45am.

Back to Wednesday, I put the two together, I go in bathroom and asked her if she worked late she replies yes. I said oh just got off she replies yes just a little bit ago. I asked her I drove by your work and you weren't there, oh my car was in the other parking lot. I said I checked it and it wasn't there. I said I called your work and it was closed, there was a seminar going on, but not sure for which business. She gets defensive and replies what your stalking you wife now. I said no, I was at the store and I was wanting to talk to you about the tax money. She doesn't know what time I'm talking about. She is pretty defensive at this time I ask her to swear on my daughters life she says no. she gets out of the shower and doesn't want me to see her. I notice a weird mark on her left hip like three lines something pinched her and I asked about it and she said I don't know, you know me I'm always bumping into things.

So I finally investigate and find out she is having an affair by over hearing a phone conversation of hers in the house last week, she didn't know I was home and I listen to it, boy it sucked, she was talking about divorcing me etc.. and then told him when they are together it will be their time to be together etc..

I open the door and she puts the phone under the covers and turns is clicking to turn it off. I ak what you laughing about, nothing why are you home early, I just because and I asked her who were you talking to she replied GF name. I said Oh. Iasked her if she is talking to another man and she said no. I told her that if she's having an affair its not a deal breaker and we can get through it and work on our marriage.. She rplies your making something out of nothing.

I end up getting concrete proof about the affair I won't tell how I got it. She still denies it.

Saturday I sit her down and explain to her that I know for a fact she is having an affair and she again denies it. I tell her that we can get through this and we can rebuild our marriage. I do this with no yelling or anything, she still denies it. She then starts to gas light me, by being flirtatious etc. she did go out this night and friday night, saying with GF, well Friday I confirmed not a GF thats for sure.

I tell my family as i'm venting about it and guess, what someone told someone who then told my wife on this Monday, she come home like a tornado flipping our bed in the air screaming and ranting, where is it the device. I told I don't know what. She starts to say great your family can make me out to be a whore and horrible person etc.. I tell her that we can still save this marriage and she tells me no all you will do is throw it back into my face. I told her that won't happen we will go through a process to recover. She did put alot of blame back on me especially her being focused on how i found out. She also said I ruined any glimmer of hope! I will continue in the next post.

Hi wd, welcome to marriage builders. I believe we get the point so another post is not necessary. Please go read the exposure thread linked in my signature and come back and we can talk.

WW filed for D, you have proof of an affair. You started exposure and your WW is flipping out. That's enough of a backstory for now.

You need to get busy finishing your exposure. I recommend you follow ML's advice, read the exposure thread NOW and come back so we can help you finish it ASAP to have the greatest chance of killing the affair.

And please stop trying to "talk" your WW out of her affair. That just serves as a lovebuster and engages her in a fight.

Do you know who OM is? Do you have his full name?

I do know who the other man is and yes I have his full name, He's not married. actually exposure was an accident.

I tell you there are two different approaches, this site says expose and divorce busting says not to. I'm confused. I read exposure 101.

How will she want to face any of these people again and everyone knows are business.

Oh boy.

Well, let us know if you want help doing a nuclear exposure. The clock is ticking.

You will need to tell us who you have already to exposed to and what you said.

What I posted to someone else earlier today:

Exposure is your most powerful weapon against an affair because affairs thrive on secrecy. Keeping them a secret only serves to enable the affair and cause it to last longer. The longer it lasts, the more entrenched it becomes and the harder it is to save your marriage. We have had people come here from divorce busters who thought all was lost and saved their marriages using exposure tactics. Enabling does not save marriages.

This is a GOOD thing. When people come here and there are no close friends of family nearby and the wayward doesn't really care about exposure, then that's a BAD thing.

You need to change the way that you are looking at it. Your WW getting upset because people know means you have a pretty great shot at killing this affair.

That is the beauty of exposure. It is no fun to carry on an affair when everyone knows what you are doing. It takes all the fun out of it and motivates the person to end the affair. The more people who know, the more people to hold her accountable.

If you bring in a crowd of people to the crackhouse to watch the crackheads smoke crack and the crackheads are uneasy, is that a good thing or a bad thing?

And please, I repeat PLEASE, don't go threaten your WW to end her affair and write a NC letter or you will be exposing to x y and z.

It won't work!!

what is the success rate in exposing the affair for reconcilliation? When she found out my family knows, she said I ruined any glimmer of hope.

I don't know how long the affair has been going on. I look back at some old text messages in august 2013 and she actually implied i was up to no good. I asked her why would she think this and she said b/c I was taking calls in the garage etc... I reasured her nothing was going on. I read something that said this when a women files for divorce she already has a safe place planted. I havent threatend her at all, I have calmly asked her about the infidelity, she denies but says things like you will just throw it back in my face, she also said I don't know the half of it. I said your right and I'm hear to listen. she wouldn't tell me.

EVERY recovered marriage on this forum attributes it to exposure. Exposure gives your best chance at reconciliation. If I were to give odds, I would say exposure gives you a 50/50 chance but it is your best chance.

It is much worse if you don't, because the affair will drag on much longer if kept secret. Affairs start crumbling once you expose them [we have some that end the very day they are exposed] The longer the affair goes on, the more entrenched it becomes and the less likely you will ever recover.

If you don't expose, I would view this is as a hopeless case.

Dr Bill Harley, the founder of Marriage Builders has been doing this for 40 years and he says to people who help the affair: "it is very hard to save a marriage when you are enabler."

so its a 50/50 with exposure. My family know about it and there all blown away by it. I do have to remember, something was going on in my marriage that my wife was not getting from me. I can tell you ever since I went to afternoon shift it, went down hill. Her major complaint was how I didn't have a good relationship with her son. He respects me we just never bonded, he never wanted to. He didn't like the fact I enforced the rules.

Ignore the other website, the techniques there are only for people that are not having an affair. It does not deal with affairs, only ignores them.
LISTEN TO THE VETERANS HERE.
Exposure may not save your marriage, but it has virtually no chance without it.
All the things you have said about the situation read almost verbatim out of the wayward/adulterer script.
Since she is so mad, you partially hit the target. Anger at exposure is the first clue it is effective. Read up on it, and finish it quickly. Exposure must be quick and widespread as soon as you have evidence. This is a crucial tactic that most people including me, dont do correctly.
Never, ever tell the wayward how you got your evidence.



Not saying Marriage builders is for surviving an affair only, quite the contrary. Marriage builders is well rounded for all marriage problems, the other site is NOT.

I am not sure how all this is relevant.

Most marriages do go downhill when one spouse works a night shift. And "enforcing the rules" with a step child is a sure fire way to kill the love in a marriage. Marriage Builders can help you learn to manage the issue of her son in a way that won't cause conflict in your marriage.

BUT, we can do nothing unless and until you kill the affair. Your marriage can survive all these issues, it can't survive an ongoing affair.

The other man is not married, I don't know who his parents are. I can tell her, Dad, Step Mom, Brother, Sister, Grandmothers, Her best friend who has alot of influence on her. My wife already pulled her facebook down, the other man pulled his contact info down, I already have it. So I have to do this. It scares the heck out of me. She was pissed the other day, and its simmered down. This first exposure was on Monday. Unfortunatly someone told her how I found out. I talk to her last night and she said this marriage has been destroyed, I told her yes but we can rebuild it and she said no she has to take care of her and step son, she said it can't work and still moving forward with divorce.

I would find out who the OM's parents are and get to them. You can also send exposure letters to his contacts from facebook. Did you read my exposure thread for instructions on how to do a facebook exposure?

I would do this right away because the more you trickle this out, the less impactful it will be.

Once you have it exposed, I would pay this loser a visit and let him know you will not be giving up easily and that he has no future with your wife.

And lastly, I would tell her you are sorry for the way you have dealt with your step son and let her know that you know of a way to deal with him that would make you both happy. Tell her you want to work with her to correct the problems in your marriage. BUT, she has to first end her affair.

Step children are very explosive issues that destroy many marriages if they are not handled correctly. She needs to know you are willing to resolve this in a way that makes her happy. We will TEACH you and your wife how to deal with him.

Do you know for SURE the OM is not married?

I checked in circuit court records it looks like he divorced AS OF 2005.

Can you tell if he remarried?

There is a lot of good information in this single paragraph. There are many things you should change if you reconcile and I would tell her this. For example, working the night shift and drinking are obvious marriage wreckers. If you can overcome this affair, that is something you will want to change.

I realize and understand that she is probably exaggerating grievances [don't tell her that] but there are 3 things in this one paragraph that are sure fire marriage wreckers: the stepson conflict, your drinking and the night shift.

I stopped drinking, I have always tried to talk to step son etc.. I'm suppose to be going back to days in a week or two.

That is a great start! And we can teach you how to handle the step son issues in a way that will preserve the love in your marriage. Your wife needs to know this will change. Harley has a completely different approach to resolving problems in blended families: How to Raise Children in a Blended Family and Keep Love in Your Marriage

So, I need to expose to her family and friends, my family already knows, I just simply told them what I found out and that I want to save my marriage.

I have to get a list together over her friends and family, I have alot on my face book, is that a good way through the private message, Do we have a scripted way to send and say on phone.

What do I have to lose at thios point.

I would not expose to YOUR facebook contacts. Write out a short list of her family and friends. Call her parents and tell them personally, using the talking points in my template letters in my thread. Then send an email to the other family members and close friends using the template in my thread.

Then expose to the OM's family and friends from his facebook contact list. Make a list of his contacts and prioritize them by listing family first and then moving through married friends. Just do a handful of people, around 40-50 and try to target his closest friends and family.

Were you able to find the OM's parents?

Our goal is to SAVE, not lose.

I have to be careful if I confront the other man, I'm a police officer so I have to make sure I don't violate any of my department rules or laws.

Can you take a witness? Like a BIG BUDDY? About 6'5" at 350?

And like I always say: leave your pistol in the car!!

So would it be best by phone or FB, and is there a scripted version on what I need to say. I truly know I want to save my Marriage and family.

I just talk to my wife on the phone she said she feels depressed and I just listen and did hmm and ohh. She seemed calm, when do I ask her about other man if she still is seeing him etc.. she still hasn't fully confessed about the affair.

I googled for parents and I couldn't find anything, I'll try some more.

It depends on who it is. Did you read my exposure thread?? Use facebook to expose to the OM's family and friends. CALL her parents on the phone. Send an email to close family and friends using the templates on my thread.

You need them all to CALL HER and let her know they know. That is your goal.

I know I'm a Police Office, I have to be careful we have laws and rules for obtaining information through our computer system, cant do it, have to do it just like every other average joe.

Do you know any PI's?

I read all of it so I got it, now. I will have to investigate some more. to get more info.

Good man!!

Yesterday she still seems to be pushing for divorce, so that concerns me, we did have an ok conversation earlier, Should I try to talk to her about working on marriage and stopping affair? before I expose to the rest of her fsmily and friends.

No. And let me explain why. Right now your wife is high on the addiction of an affair. An affair is very much like being high on drugs or alcohol. Dr Harley calls it the fog. You have probably noticed that your wife does not seem like herself at all. That means the first step is to bust up the affair so she can sober up, so she will be OPEN to working on the marriage. You do that by killing her affair and you kill the affair by exposing it.

She will be more open to working on the marriage once you bust up her affair.

At first she will be furious and threaten to divorce you after you expose, "was going to work on it" blah, blah, blah... Just imagine how furious the crackhead is when you take away his crack and you will understand her anticipated reaction.

After you expose the affair is when you demand that she end her affair. Tell her that if she will end her affair you will work on creating a happy, romantic marriage with her. But the OM must go. At first she will tell you to go to hell, but you just hang in there and demonstrate that you are the best option.

She wants the divorce because of the affair. Do you see how the strategy works? Don't worry about the divorce, but worry about removing the SOURCE, which is the affair. Run that POSOM off! [pieceofsh**OM]

This is what all WW say to prevent further exposure from being done. Expose full now.

That's what I have been told about the glimmer of hope. How should I be treating my wife ?..should I be trying to fill her love bank during this time? I'm going to expose the rest as soon as I finish finding more info on OM family. I found his exwife on FB.

I would finish your exposures as quickly as you can so you can get this part finished and move onto next steps. You should be in Plan A, which means you treat her very kindly and avoid any lovebusters. Here is an explanation: What Are Plan A and Plan B?

I would also download the book Surviving an Affair and read it so you understand what you are dealing with. You can download it on Amazon and read it on kindle for PC, iphone, ipad or kindle.

I have the book Surviving the Affair. I don't know how long it has been going on, I looked at 4 months of old cell phone bills and nothing, unless she had a prepaid phone.

Do you access to her cell phone bills? You said this in your first post:

I think you have a very good shot here. She reads like the more 'typical' wayward wife, i.e. she has a conscience. She feels horribly guilty and miserable but addicted to OM. She's only leaving you because the guilt is getting very hard for her and the A becoming more entrenched. Because she has a good conscience, she is terrified of people finding out. Her conscience's reaction to the initial exposures is an excellent sign. Excellent.

However exposure is the only thing capable of breaking her addiction. You have an excellent shot using exposure. She just wants to slide into her addiction unnoticed by anyone but don&#146;t you dare let her!

Recovery is more possible with the typical wayward wife. See below.




Exposure frees the WW from her addiction by activating her conscience.

I think she did have some valid concerns and some vulture has just swooped in there. Expose the heck out of this guy.




That's a very good exposure target.

You should be calm and kind in the face of her anger without apologising for exposure.

Something like: "I am sorry your affair embarrasses you. I am willing to give you a marriage we can both be proud of".

I am very worried about the effectiveness of your exposure. YOu should be wrapping things up NOW. What's going on? Focus on the rest of your Plan A later, after exposure is over.

She is the first list idigirl, She just called me asking me what I told, my family, I told her I would rather tell her about it in person. I told my family we were having marriage problems and I found out she was having an affair and I want to save my Marriage. Should my family call her to hep perseude her. My family loves her. I'm trying to gather as much intell as I can to expose to her family. What about her work, He doesn't work with her but, he is affiliated with her type of work? I should have everything wrapped up by tonight so I can expose all of it on friday with her family and friends and I will send to his Ex-wife and kids. Cant find parents.

I looked at the our old joint cell bill, i only see his work number a few times, she could of been calling him from her work number. I don'yhave access to hr new phone bill, its in her mothers name.

She was telling me last night on the phone she feels depressed, and she doesn't sleep good. she is even gaining weight, she gaines weight when she is stressed out.

She actually has also cried several times in my arms during this ordeal. I do want to save this Marriage.

You don't need anymore intel if you already have concrete proof of the affair and know the OM's identity as you already told us. The people you expose to don't need a blow-by-blow of what exactly has happened - just that there has been an affair.

Yes, you want your entire family to confront your WW and tell her to do what is right and end her affair. My entire family did that with my sister's WH and it was very effective. But you should wrap up everything and have everyone confront her at once.

If they met through the workplace and that's how the A started, then I would expose there. But I will let others chime in on this as I am not 100% sure if that's the right move.

This is a bad idea, WD, discussing exposures with her before you have even finished.

Wrap this all up today. Expose to OM's FB friends and you can work on finding his parents tomorrow but do the rest of your targets today.

I am very worried your WW is going to regroup, contact her family/friends before you reach them, and this isn't going to be very effective.

I don't think you are understanding how this is supposed to work. You want exposure to have a tsunami effect! The opposite of trickle, drop, drop, drop, over several days effect as you are doing now...

Did you check intelius? You pop in his name and it will show in one of the fields people that have been affiliated with him in the past. Sometimes parents and siblings show up there.

I will do it today this evening at work, I do call her Dad, Step Mom, Brother and Sister, Mother, Step Father, Grandmothers right. and then to his contacts on FB

I didn't tell My wife anything yet. I did that to buy me time.

Don't talk to her anymore until the exposure is all wrapped up. The only one that I exclude from that list is if OM's parents if it takes you some more time to find them.

OK, good.



Oh yeah - exposure is bothering her.



Most certainly.


What does this mean? What is the likelihood of future contact?



Yes, shame can have very funny effects on people. You want to be running this show.

In your exposures to his facebook contacts, I would ask the target to contact his parents and have them call you.

you will have to pay $1 for the messages to be placed in their inboxrs. Hopefully you know this!!

And Susie is right, exposure is supposed to be done in one day, not trickled out.

I know it should of been done in one day, I didn't expect someone to tell her prior to my plan of exposing it. I needed more time to get intel. I don't see anything about his parents in intelius etc... I do have his kids FB etc and friends..

Just go ahead and epxose to his family and friends. In your letter, ask them to have his parents call you and provide your #.

So get everything done asap.

WD,

Try www.veromi.com I have good luck it will offer probable family connections for free.

You can then use those probable connections to search facebook, linkedin, and etc.

People CAN BE FOUND! I found good photos online of OM2 after a few years, by knowing his hobby. Get creative with your searching.

God Bless
Gamma

I just sent out FB IM and called my father law, He said he was going to call her. Wife is calling my phone and sent this text,

"you crazy mother f****...you better not come home..

how do I handle this

I have been exposing! God be with me

Finish your exposures and then go home and tell your children. [don't ask your wife or forewarn her, just sit the kids down and tell them all about the affair and give them the name of the OM]

Have you spoken to your MIL? Will she call her too? Any other exposure targets within her family?

How many FB messages did you send out to the OM contacts? And did you pay the $1 to get it placed into their in box?

Great job, my friend!!

HE IS!!

Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. Ephesians 5:11

This is the verdict: Light has come into the world, but men loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil. Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that his deeds will be exposed.

But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what he has done has been done through God." ( John 3:19-21)

Carry on. Don't respond to silliness.

She will continue to act like an aggressive drunk until the A is dead. Even then she has to get through withdrawal.

This is her way of seeing if being mean and abusive will get you to back off so she can resume destroying herself.

Of course you love her too much to allow that.

Do as MelodyLane suggests showing that you are now running this show and the abuse isn't working.

Be calm and polite if your paths cross later. Be loving if possible. However don't feel you have to stick around and take abuse. If she swears at you casually inform her not to do that in future please and take yourself off to do something else.

"I am sorry your A embarrasses you"

"Would you like a cookie?"

"I am very serious about saving our marriage"

"I will not let an A destroy my marriage"

"You can never trust me to keep infidelity a secret. I would never encourage infidelity."

"I am very pleased so many people offer us their support"

She called me screaming and yelling at me that there will never be a chance and not to come home, she said she hates me and she will never forgive me, she was screaming at the top of her lungs, I have never heard her act like this, she continued to yell, I just told her that I did this to save our marriage. I never yelled etc.. she was furious she told me not to come home and i'm harrasing her etc.. what do I do now, WOW

She was focused on who I told I told her best friend who is very spirtual and said she will call her. Wife also told me everyone thinks i'm crazy etc..

Ignore, go home, sleep in your bed.

Yeah we've heard that one too!

I am certain there's an actual script book they pass around. How else do they say the exact same things word for word?

Good job!!

Angry crazy wayward to shocked friend: "How dare you! Don't you know he's crazy!"

Friend: "Crazy? He sounds very worried about you having an affair and abandoning the marriage."

ACW: "There, I'm glad you agree."

If she's denying the affair, that means she has to end it. She can't tell everyone you are delusional one day and the next say: "Hey everyone, this is my innocent new boyfriend Bob."

You're making it impossible to keep this fantasy alive.

When my sister exposed, her WH ranted and raged for days. He broke a cabinet, tore it off the hinges in the kitchen and damaged other things. He packed up and left. Said he was done over and over for a day or two.

The affair ended w/n the week and they are now recovered!

Your exposure is WORKING! Don't stop...

I get off at midnight, I was just told by my brother that she grabbed some stuff and left the house with step son.

Sounds like it will be a peaceful night for you then. I'd surely get some rest because once she's done sulking (and realises it doesn't work) she'll come up with something more active.

Do NOT engage her in her fogbabble. You are a broken record: "I did what I had to save our marriage." Keep it short and sweet.

She is throwing a MAJOR hissy fit because she doesn't want to put the crackpipe down and the fantasy is crumbling.

See my post above? My BIL did the same thing and returned w/n hours. It's not uncommon.

Finish up your exposures. Did oyu read my last post?

Then go home and make yourself a ham sandwich and watch Duck Dynasty.

did you see this?

How old is your son?

I notice she put her facebook page back up, its been down for a few days

Are you friends with her?

yes I paid the 1.00, my ML wouldn't return my call, so I sent her a FB message. I'm still sending messages

Good man!! Keep up the great work! The more angry she is, the more severe the wound you inflicted on the affair.

I would plan on exposing to your children as soon as possible.

She told me I'm trying to humiliate her and trying to get her family and friends against her, she said she doesn't need any of her family, she keeps telling me there will never be achance with us, I lost her for ever and I'm trying to control her. She keeps telling me not to come home and to get out of the house etc.. she's going to call he attorney there is somthing he can do etc... I just told her I did this to save our marriage and she said do you think this is going to save our marriage she asked me it 20 times. Do I keep answering her calls, I need a break.

she took step son to his dads

I would stop taking her calls. STOP TRYING TO REASONN WITH HER. That is like trying to reason with a falling down drunk. If she comes at you again, just tell her you are sorry she is so upset, but you are not going to hide her affair for her. Everyone should know.

She won't understand that you did it to save your marriage so there is no reason to tell her that. She is just going to punish you right now because you interfered with her affair.

And whatever you do, don't leave your home. Go home and go sleep in your own bed. Make it very clear you are going NOWHERE. You have absolutely no reason to leave your home. Her affair does not constitute a reason for you to leave.

Are you friends with her on facebook?

Did you read this part in my exposure thread?


I know it is upsetting to hear your wife make all these threats, but we have heard them a million times. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

SHE IS SO ANGRY ITS CRAZY! I HAVE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE THIS. ITS LIKE SHE IS POSSESSED! SHE ALSO SAID SHE ISN'T HAVING AN AFFAIR. SHE KEEPS TELLING ME THER IS NEVER GOING TO BE A CHANCE FOR US ITS OVER, SHE, IS EVEN MORE ANGRIER THAN WHEN MY FAMILY FOUND OUT. SORRY FOR THE CAPS, I'M NOT YELLING.

Yes I'm friends with on facebook, she just turned it back on because I think she thought I put a general post up, I didn't, I IM everyone.

Yep!

Did you IM her facebook friends too?

When you get home, it is very important that you remain calm and not allow her to ruffle you or bait you into a fight. Just calmly tell her that you are sure sorry she is upset but you felt like everyone should know.

And whatever you do, DON'T APOLOGIZE FOR EXPOSURE. If you do that, you are doomed you will be validating her FOG. Her anger over exposure is the result of the fog. Her anger will dissipate IF YOU DON'T VALIDATE HER ANGER.

Do you understand what I mean?

And most of all, do not let her anger upset you. It was expected. The angrier, the better!

They always say it's not an affair, vainly wishing that their words could turn a lie into the truth.

My wife told me for months after exposure, "Everybody thinks I'm the worst person of 2011 and you're a saint." She was livid for a very long time. Very angry. Bitter. Spiteful. But guess what? It doesn't last if you are able to kill the affair. Once it crumbles and fog lifts, the anger will subside. Nice job with exposure, buddy.

Yes I IM her friends and her grandmother in GA, etc..

I don't think she will be home when I get there. My brother said she left, but she might be back, I won't know until about 1 am when I get home.

I'M EXHAUSTED!

You did just great!!

You are a hero tonight and even though it doesn't feel like it right now, you have done more today to kill the affair than anything. That means you have taken a step closer to saving your marriage.

Thank you, for giving me the courage. I know I'm a Police Officer, but I'm still human.. Thanks to everyone and there support.

I won't be able to tell my step son, he went to his Dad's, My wife was suppose to get my daughter tomorrow from school, b/c I have to work. She told me in all the kaos that I would have to find someone else to pick her up...

Is the daughter yours from another marriage? How old is she?

ARe you prepared to be perfectly calm in the face of a storm when you go home tonight? No fighting, no justifying, no apologizing, just a firm, unapologetic resolve. Ask her to end all contact for life with the OM.

* don't leave your home or even your own bedroom - you have done nothing wrong and have no reason to leave

* turn on the recorder on your phone in case she trumps up an "abuse" charge against you

You should really just be like a parrot "I am willing to work with you to create a loving marriage but you must first end your affair"

(our definition of ending the affair is agreeing to No contact for the rest of her life and following a program of recovery)

My step son is 14, my daughter is 11, she is from my ex-wife. I came home and the wife isn't home. I will not apologize for exposure, I will continue to be calm during te storm. I have been calm since 2/13/14 when she announced she filed and when I stummbled into the affair. I will continue to listen to good people.

I can tell you this, She told me, she could kill me, thats how angry she was. I'll have to sleep with one eye open.

Not sure where she is, Maybe Other Mans, Mothers, Girl friends or hotel, she took her blow dryer and tooth brush. not sure what else.

I got a message back from a cousin of hers that said, I appeared petty and controling and feared for my W safety. She said she will support Wifes decision and not to contact her in the future. I'm sure I will get them.. I sure hope I didn't blow this...

By the way that cousin who said i was petty and controling is an attorney, no offense to any attorney's on here, but you know how they have no morals or values at times... I just hope this works...God its killing me. How the heck does this make me controlling, I can't make her do anything, it makes know sense. Like using gps on our phones, how does that control a person, it doesn't have powers over you. if you're not doing anything wrong and being honest who cares.

I just hope she is ok, im worried about her. I'm worried about her emotional state.

So if I exposed my wife for using drugs would that be controlling and petty etc...

Just have a knotted feeling in my stomach..

I had about two or three negative exposure responses. Dozens of shocked and supportive ones. Which is not bad when you consider around 30 pc of married people have had their own affair. Most people are shocked and concerned about adultery. Especially if it is a loved relative.

Of my negative responses, I later discovered they'd all had unexposed affairs.

I'll eat my hat if this woman hasn't had her own affair. 'Controlling' is practically a WW catch-phrase.

Unfortanately BH's have to put up with a great deal of sexism. Women who expose aren't called controlling. But it's an easy slur to throw at a man.

She'd rather drag her cousin into the pit with her for company than dig her own way out. Disgusting.

Her Father, just told me airing out your problem On FB isn't going to help, And he doesn't believe W is having an affair, she may have a special friend who is consoling her, he has a friend like this. if it was just a special friend then why would you get so mad like this? She is trying to convince people of this.

Other man ex-wife sent me a message with her phone number asking me to call her.

I did a checkmate kit and she tested positive for semen in her underware, and I wasn't having sex with her???

Do I respond to her Father at all, what now. I guess blood is thicker than water... special friend really and you go nuts like this...

Good job! I hope you tell her father that you have hard evidence that she is having sex with the OM. Glad you used the checkmate kit.

And don't be concerned about the naysayers. You find out very quickly who your friends are in situations like this.

Her cousin lives in another state, so its not like they hang out etc... I don't even know the last time she talked to her. That cousin told me not to contact her and she supports W decision. I seem to feel like airing it is a bad idea. I stood out the bedroom door listening to her conversation with OM, them laughing talking about her divorcing me laughing and then hr saying when we are together we won't talk about it that is our time to be with one another. She even did her little giggle and laugh with him when he said he was going to do something to her sexual, I know the giggle and laugh etc...

I haven't responded to his message yet. I did use checkmate, I have another pair to test. I was just going to simply tell him, I understand his concern however have some faith in me , I know what I'm doing.

Good sleuthing work my friend, my word you catch on quick.



He's wayward. However he may just be on the brink of an A, so keep trying.

Call XW, get as much detail and info on OM as possible. It's likely you will get a lot of dirt and eye opening information.

Then you can call up her dad and tell him man to man there's proof he is using her for sex and pass on any dirt about him that XW gives you. It will likely be a lot given her reaction.

His plan is probably to see you continue to befriend and support his daughter while she does as she pleases. So, you can make it clear that won't be happening. You will try hard to save her but unless recovery is on the cards she will be at the mercy of a loser after a very nasty divorce.

Wayward dads are notoriously uncaring and unprotective though. My father would have killed any man who got me involved in an affair.

This is why Exposure is useful. You need to know who the naysayers are. You need to know that there are people who would encourage your wife to have an affair or 'friends like this' so they can be excluded in recovery. An affair proof marriage is only surrounded by supportive people.

Yeah that's the wayward deal. Only talk about fun stuff - never unpleasant stuff.

Guess how long this deal lasts in the real world?

That is a GREAT contact to have!!! See if she will give you his parents contact information and get as much information about the OM as possible.

I do!! You have been a champ.

Me too. Highly impressed.

Keep your chin up champ.

My Wife has had a bad relationship with her father, she told me she has always felt second best to him, he remarried and had two more kids, and he never paid my wife any attention, so now he is going to be the hero.

why do I feel like a nervous wreck, Like I did something wrong??
My wife actions, suspicious behavior, taking showers when she gets home late from work, smells funny, lies and said she was at work late, when in fact she wasnt, i over her phone conversations, tmobile familywhere drives her to file for divorce because its controlling to monitor family phones, she goes out every weekend with GF's, My brother who has been stayingwith me said, even before her filing she wasn't home on friday's when kids where at other parents, he didn't think anything of ot, now he's like makes sense. Wife tells me back in august, she is unhappy etc.. I ask we can work on it etc.. she said no I dont't think I want to anymore, and our sex life wasn't good then. she is smoking again, I ask if she is she lies, I seen on credit card she bought them. My brother see's her on the phone smoking cig in sept around 1:00 am, while I'm working a double shift. now I know why everday I come home at 12:45am she is crabby, she has to get off the phone with OM.

My wife is just like the top list in black typeccc indiegirl posted that was from pepperband, sleeping alot when home no real interaction wth me, she would cry in my arms, I notice she smelled more like alochol when she comes home from being out.

I followed her and the next day she tells me what she did, I didn't even ask her and its a lie. totatly opposite of what she did. She has been guarding her phone for a long time. she even has been guarding her purse ever since she filed for D, next to her in bed, she doesn't leave it alone for very long, she tried to gas light me so many times.

So the question is if its just a special friend then why all thebehavior lying, and why get so mad when she was exposed?

Home Run!
You did it!
You are a CHAMP!
I am impressed, you stayed calm and executed.
The amount of anger the wayward express is directly proportional to the effectiveness of the exposure.
Ignore the naysayers- they are enablers.
Get a hold of the OM ex wife- that has to be a huge source of information.
Finish the exposure to the kids.

Make no mistake, there is no such thing as a special friend. That is total BS. Men and women cant be truly friends like that, the sex thing always gets in the way. (this is my opinion)
The wayward never initially admits to anything. If they do admit anything, it will be one or two levels below what the did. In other words, he is just a friend = we were heavy petting in the back seat of the car.

wife didn't come home last night. I have a question, when she was exposed to my family accidentaly she was furious, and it only lasted a couple of days, she then was ok. See, my family didn't contact her, but some did yesterday when I resent out IM, My sister did, she text her, a nice text asking her to work it out with me.

I sure don't feel like I hit a homerun!

That is a typical reaction to a spouse's anger. Men are wired to not "hurt" their wives and exposure feels like he is hurting her because of her reaction. In truth, exposure is therapeutic. It is good for the wayward spouse because it brings her bad behavior out in the open and it is good for the betrayed spouse because it can actually kill the affair and gain support for the marriage.

I think one of the biggest problems has been your night shift. Can you go to your director and ask for a couple weeks off until your shift changes? Or ask to be switched now?

I called the OM ex wife she didn't answer she could be at work. I will try again later. I have to get my brother inlaw to pick my Daughter up from school and have him take her to his house, wife was suppose to pick her up in the kaos she said she isn't. I have to work this afternoon, sucks working 4p-12a it defiently is another contributing factor in this, I've been on this shift for little over a year now and this when everything went down hill. I'm suppose to go to days in a week or to, I went to my department and told them I'm trying to save my M and I needed to be on days. We have to deal with contractual rules and everything, however they can temp assign me out to days for 90 days. so this is a plus/

Can you text the OM's XW with your phone # and ask her to call?

That is great news. My question would be if this can be permanent?

The one day she came home and lied about being at work late, she a strange mark on her left hip like a wrist watch or braclet pinched her skin, she had no idea how she got it. My wife is accident proan don't get me wrong, but this mark looked like it hurt. just thinking out loud..

unfortuanetly, everything is senority based, I do Have 18 years, but only 1 year as a Sergeant, so I'm low person on the pole by senority standards. I will be on the day shift for a least 6 months, until we re-bid for shift assignments. I might even start looking for a job in the private sector. I loved being a Police Officer, however it has taken its tole on me. I actually have changed back to the person I was before I became a Cop. Its extremely hard to explain what I mean and what happens to you when you become one.

I agree it would be a good idea to find a job in the private sector where you can work the day shift. Working night shifts will always cause you problems, in marriage and personally. Dr Harley references a study that showed that people who work nights tend to suffer from low level depression. And in your case, you can't fix your marriage if you aren't home at night.

Do you know if your wife has ever had an affair in the past?

My wife had to work today, I wonder if she is. on a good note, she got a flat yesterday and I fixed it for her in the morning, nice act of service, she told me I didn't have to she would get the maintence guy to change it and she would take on her lunch break.. I went to her work and fixed it.. I wonder if anyone even knew she was having an affair. Her immediate boss she works with had an affair on her husband and he divorced her, I actually work with her ex-husband for long time. He actually talked me about 2 yrs ago and told me about it and to keep my wife away from her. Ironic.

No affair in the past to my knowledge, she hadbeen divorced for around 8 years when i met her. I do remember when we first started dating her exbf was calling her all the time, he even came over when I was there, he was trying to reason with her. she told me she was sorry and you know what I said to her, its ok, he is grieving the break up, I feel for him... This seem to continue for a bit and one day her computer was on and her phone bill was up, so I looked at it and there were alot of calls and text to this one number, so I checked her phone and it was a girl named Jen. Jen was a girl she worked with. I called the number and it was her exbf. I confronted her and she said she was trying to get her 2500.00 back that he owed her, and didn't want me to worry about it. I told her really there are alot of calls and text, now don't get me wrong we spent alot of time together so, not sure when or if anything was going on. I told her to get new number using my account and she did. That stopped.

OM are often quite abusive and controlling. It's not unknown for a WW to scream 'abuse' at her BH only to get later beaten up by the OM. One of the other benefits of exposure is it brings out the truth of his past, which will help your WW.





Yup wayward dad. Sounds like he had an affair that was unexposed and glossed over. He won't be much of a loss when he is excluded from your marriage in recovery.

So the naysayers are a neglectful adulterous father and a distant cousin.

Isn't it strange how the people most offended by exposure are the people who care least about the wayward?

Yet for some reason they don't want this exposure thingy catching on. Its not even really explained by the fact they got their own backside to cover.

It really is like being recruited for evil and pledging to help keep it alive for everyone.

If her father had an affair and his behaviour was normalised it can teach very damaging lessons about how to behave in marriage. This is why you need to explain clearly to your kids what is happening and why it is wrong.

So far no calls from the Wife. Now what?

1) Call OMXW - text her to call you and dont let up till it's done.
2) Call anyone who needs more evidence, including wayward dad saying you have proof of a sexual affair, together with any details of OM's dodgy past from his XW.
3) Expose to the children
4) Rest, eat and sleep while she's sulking. You can send her a nice pleasant text or something tomorrow.

Indiegirl, What is crazy is you new he was a wayward father before I ever told you about her relatnship with him. You mentioned it to me about his response to airing our business etc... and guess what my Wife said her mother told her she believed he was having an affair and it was never exposed. Are you a mind reader or what.

I'm suprised her Mother isn't supporting me being she is a BS also.

I lost 25lbs in about 6 weeks.

She was free to date around, but that sounds like a rather practiced bit of deception.

From Dr H's article on infidelity the lessons children learn:

"Julie was told over and over that it was not dad's business to know what mom does. This was meant to justify the fact that mom was lying to dad. Although Julie's mom was a very honest and open person before the affair, mom became quite an expert at deceit and privacy. Julie was watching her model every step of the way.

A third crucial lesson is,

How to be thoughtless -- doing what you please regardless of how it affects other people.
Julie would learn how to take advantage of her friends and family when there was something in it for her because of her Mom's decision to end the marriage."

If the kids are told "don't worry nothing is wrong" then they come to see affair behaviour as normal.

Your wife may have learned some very damaging lessons very young and I wonder if she has cheated before.

Regardless, your steps are still the same and you need to make sure the kids are fully informed.

Not sure if she cheated before. I do know she said if I cheated, it would be a deal breaker... I will tell you her personality does not even come off as a cheater, and yes she could have learned to be deceitful. I can tell you this though she was a exactly like the pepperband listing in black. she has a huge consciounes. and she has a strong faith, and since I've been going back to church and giving myself to God, she has become even more distant from it, I would ask if her every sunday to come with and she would say, I'm not ready etc...

Me three!!! Good job, friend.

You can be a typical WW and still have some bad habits, like thinking OS friends are OK and that it's OK to lie your way out of a tough spot.

If she didn't have some of these bad habits, there wouldn't be any A at all. It doesn't necessarily mean these habits have caused an A before now.

Just something to keep in mind and prepare for just in case.

Assuming she is, she never exposed which means she was gaslighted into supporting the whole sorry mess.

She may be a help, she may not be.



Stick around! When you see the same story every. single. day. you will be a mind reader too.

Find a type of food you can stomach and pummel it. Popular choices are bananas and nuts. Rest if you can't sleep. If things are a real struggle get anti depressants to get you through short term.

I just got of the phone with the OM ex-wife, she told me I brought her back 8 years ago, she said he cheated on her back then and blindsided her. She never seen it coming. She said is Father is really old and ill, mother deceased. She said he is a lost soul and not saying it b/c of what happen with them. She said he as nothing and is a smooth talker, She requested I didn't send a message to her 16 year old b/c he has lot of issues from the their A and Divorce. I seen his name and never sent it, God protected him, She told me he has not been picking up their 16 year old and now she knows why, she said he hasn't been there for him anyways. She said she would help me in anyway to save my Marriage, even would like to talk to my Wife and tell her how he really is. See he is a pharmacist, but he has lost everything. I did see a civil case against him from some sort of accident on circuit page. She told me she was sorry for what he is doing to my family. I told her not to apologize for him and I"m sorry she has to be reminded by this.. She told me to call her anytime.

OM has pulled his FB page down Per the ex-wife. She sounded very sad and genuine. My heart goes out with her. So when will I here from my wife? I tried to call OM last night, he wouldn't answer me. So I don't want any stalking reports done on me. I feel a bit numb right now. Not sure what to think anymore.

Now with this information from the ex-wife what do I do with it? I've been eating, I just can't seem to keep the weight on, I was 225lb, I'm 193lb. It must be the stress kicking in or something.

The ex-wife said her and the kids have finally gotten through this mess he has caused. She said they did a lot of counseling. I feel for her.

Infidelity is a terrible thing to do.

You are experiencing the emotions that everyone goes through in this situation.
It is normal to feel what you are feeling.
You have done well, you only need to expose to the children at this point. Read up on it on how to do it correctly.
Don't expect the OM to answer you, he will be a coward(almost all are), he is probably scared to death since you are a police officer.

Things to do/don't do-
DO NOT LEAVE your house(as in don't move out).
Have a VAR with you for any interactions with your wife.
Since she has already filed, you need to find a good attorney.
Know that you are on a rollercoaster, it will be a wild ride (emotional).
Be strong for your kids and wife.
Be cool and calm around your wife.
Use the phrases you have been told here, about why you exposed, building a loving marriage
DO NOT reveal how and where you got your info
DO NOT apologize for exposing
You will hear all sorts of craziness, irrational thoughts,acusations,nastiness, re-writing of marital history, etc from the wayward.
Keep posting here as the vets will help.
There is a list somewhere on this site that tells you the do/don't that is awesome.

Please read this. Exposing to the Children

WD,
I would try and arrange for your WW to talk to the OM's wife. If she refuses, I would WRITE DOWN all the things that she has told you so you can raise serious doubt about this man's character and give it her. Right now, she is in the fog and is not thinking in her right mind so it probable won't deter her for the moment, but as the affair starts to hit reality and fantasy bubble pops over time the red flags you have shared with her will be seen clearly.

Your exposure has been a great success. You've hit multiple targets and have done serious damage to the affair.

Then next thing I would do is confront the other man. Because of your position as a police officer, I would bring another person with you as a witness. But let him know that he is to stay away from your wife and that you are going to fight for your marriage. Don't be violent and don't threaten violence. But be firm, steady, and look him straight in the eye as you tell him this.

Good luck! You're doing great.

Also this.
Men Don't Leave your Home

Don't worry, I'm not leaving my house as a matter of fact she told me I couldn't sleep in the bed on Monday when the A was exposed to her by a family member. I was back in the bed on Wednesday, I will continue to be in the bed. She hasn't come home yet and she hasn't called. I will just have to ride it out.

Exactly. You would do everything to save your wife from throwing her life away. Dr. Harley considers affairs to be an addiction because waywards behave like addicts. They will throw away everything most important to them and risk losing everything to keep their drug (affair partner.)

Think of your WW as an addict.

You are taking all the right steps to kill this affair and save your WW and your marriage. Don't let misguided people distract you.


It may seem that this was lost on your WW at the time but it is something that she will remember and think about as her affair crumbles around her. You are a natural at this.


Let exposure and reality do its work. I would imagine your WW is in desperation mode right now.

It takes nerves of steel to kill an affair. You are doing great. Nerves of steel... whatever she throws at you next.

Oh great pokerface there is more to come... It is amazing to me that I go on the streets of the most dangerous city in the country and have been shot at, people wanting to kill me fight me, scream and yell at me etc... and I face it like nerves of steel and I expose this affair and I feel liking hiding. Don't worry I wont hide and I will remain calm during everything she throws at me. I'm just describing how there are two different extremes here. Just blows me away.

I'm assuming since there has been no contact or fist of fury coming my way right now isnt a bad thing is it.

So when do I began Plan A, which I know no love busting etc... Do I do it immediately when she finally gets back to the home etc.. Not sure when she is coming back, being that I'm on afternoons, she may try to avoid me.

The key is to be prepared for anything and always stick to the PLAN especially when you start to feel doubt.

Yes.

You not only avoid Love Busters, but you attempt to make deposits by meeting her ENs. You be the best husband you know how.

When will you be exposing to the kids?

Not sure about step son he is at his dads,I don't know when he will be back and I can tell my daughter tomorrow morning. I have to get my brother to pick her up from school, I have to work this afternoon. My wife was screaming and yelling at me on the phone yesterday in front of her son, and I asked where he was at, b/c of the screaming and yelling even though he was with her she said he was at his dads. She did drop him off there, I asked her a few time yesterday evening she did let me have several times yesterday on the phone.

My Father in law just sent me an IM stating to leave his other daughter and mother out of it, and it was unacceptable to post wife was having an affair.

I don't think I will be responding to him anymore.

You are in Plan A already. You fixed her tire at work yesterday (the carrot of Plan A) and you also exposed yesterday (the stick of Plan A.)

Do not do anything to allow her to rationalize her choices, but at the same time do not have any angry outbursts or disrespectful judgments with her. Avoid arguing. There will be a lot of attempts to drag you in to an argument and she will say things to provoke you. Just bow out by saying, I'm not going to argue with you about this.

I think the key to meeting her needs is to look for opportunities to be there for her, as you did yesterday, but not to crowd her and not be weak and to look desperate. Show her the good, strong, caring husband that you are. She will be angered and confused by this, but that is because she is in the fog. Her mind has been kidnapped by aliens.

When I was in your position, I told my wife to either leave her affair partner or to leave the house. She left the house, and that enabled me to more successfully avoid AO's and DJ's. I really hated her, but I also loved her. Having her away helped me to preserve my self-respect, live my life without out anxiety and constant anger, and I could more easily be kind to her from a distance. I made it clear that she could come back if she ended her affair.

Simply tell him you let everyone know about the A because it has hurt you and continues to hurt you. Tell him you are looking for support to save your marriage because you love your wife and you will do everything possible to fight for your marriage. If is he is unwilling to help then that is his decision.

I would not respond further than this and let him know your intent is only to save your marriage and he can help or not. You have no reason to argue with him.

OK sounds like good advice justthe3ofus.

It can DRAIN your life force, to have a lying cheating wife at home.

However. Dr Harley does encourage men to try to compete with the OM for as long as possible.

Are you a cop?

Do you work 12 hour shifts?

Did you run a background check on OM? I ran one on my wifes OM and found out that he was a felon! Make sure you check his background carefully

It is hard to implement a really good Plan A when you are separated.

But not impossible.

Wayward dad could unintentionally be a help. She probably has a historical habit of despising his opinion. His support may be the last humiliation!

Pokerface,
My marriage is fully recovered. After DDay it was easier for me to Plan A with my WW out of the house. As soon as the affair was verified she was given an ultimatum. Conducting her affair in my presence was affecting my sleep at night and would have had a deleterious affect on my mental health had she stayed in the home. Also I needed to set boundaries, that I believe later (now that we are recovered) she respects. The consequence of her actions were clear, and today that serves both of us as a reminder that we are both accountable.

I was able to do an effective Plan A while separated, and I didn't lose my job in the process. Once her affair crumbled, she was able to return home.

WD might be able to Plan A with her in the home. If that works, great. It wouldn't work for me.

Not impossible but a lot harder from a distance. I would not ask her to leave at this early stage (as suggested earlier.) I am hoping she will return after her initial anger settles so you can do a stellar Plan A.

I totally get that Justthe3ofus. It just seems too early for wifedivorcing. In my honest opinion.

fyi, it is harder to recover a marriage when you are separated. This is why Harley reocmmends not doing it if it is a wayward wife. Hold out as long as you can!

At this point I won't give her an ultimatum, I will make sure she is in the house, if she leaves that's on her I can't stop her. She really does despise her dad. So should I tell what was said above about I'm trying to save my marriage..

I left the house to go to work and she still wasn't home. She did have to work today. I didn't check. I did clean the house up today. So if she comes home she will notice it. She loves when I clean the house...

Good Plan A.

What are her top ENs?

What about exposing to her workplace? She has contact with OM there, right?

I wouldn't say anything about that. It just gives her the opporunityt to say your actions won't save your marriage. And then she will make SURE it doesn't happen. Just let the chips fall where they may.

And just tell her that you have exposed to her dad, motehr, sister. Don't tell her the reaction. As far as she knows, everyone is against her affair.

She just called me asking who picked my daughter up ETC...She continue to tell me I need to find another place to live, she even told me everyone thinks I'm crazy and they are worried about her safety, Unbalivable. She told me I was wrong for contacting his children they are adults but one is 16, I didint contact him. She said I'm trying to deystroy OM life and they never had an affair and then she asked me what evidence I have. I didn't tell her. I just continue to tell her, I know your angry I did this to save our marriage. I did tell her his Exwife contacted me and she would like to talk to her about him. She was like what you talk to her and then she got even madder, she is extremley angry, threatening to get a personal protection order against me, Plus what I did is liable and slander and I hope he goes after you. She told me I messed with the wrong women. I just continue to tell her I'm sorry she is angry and we can rebuild this marriage. she called me about 3 times spewing at me telling me there will never be an us, we our finished etc...

She also told me I would throw this back in her face on monday, when my family found out about the affair first. Now she is saying nothing ever happened and she wants to know about what evidence I have today.

She did ask if I come home she is leaving. I told her I can't stop you from doing anything, but you can stay at the house. I continue to tell her I'm sorry she is angry and that is starting to piss her off even more, she told me to shut the f up and stop saying that. My nervous are shot. I can't believe she is telling me I'm destroying his life and hurting his kids. According to the exwife it to her and the kids along time to heal from the affair.

Thats great! She and the OM are just trying to find out how much you know. Just tell her she knows she is having an affair, you don't need to prove it to her.

What time will you be home?

Do you feel like you are talking to a falling down drunk or a crackhead?

she kept calling me a sociopath and I'm crazy. She told me if she is in the house she doesn't feel safe. I told her I have never tried to harm you in anyway in a calm voice. etc...I'm at work, thank God.

I get home around 12:45 am, so we will see what happens. I feel bad for all parties involved in this mess. It just sickens me and I want to wake up from this bad dream. I'm the sociopath?

You know where this is leading, right? Her verbiage is a set up to get you charged with domestic violence. Be sure and carry a tape recorder in your pocket.

Women KNOW all they have to say to the cops is "I don't feel safe" and he is hauled off!!

Have you been called names by drunks and dope heads when you arrested them for being high? Do you see how much alike the behavior is here?

Yes I have been called names by all sorts of people. It doesn't make it any easier when it comes from your wife, ALIEN!

She also told me to never contact her again in several of these phone calls. I will turn my vr on my phone when I get home so she doesn't claim assault allegations. Her attorney said its liable and slander for doing what I did.

Thats great!! She should just SUE you so you all can go to court and bring in all your evidence. What a fun time it will be when your attorney subpoenaes all her and the OM's emails, phone records, communications and puts them under oath to give sworn testimony. That, coupled with your wealth of evidence, will get all of the evidence on record in a court of law!

This will REALLY get the affair exposed and it would be picked up by newspapers!

Remind her that it is not against the law to tell the truth in the United States and that the truth is a defense to slander and libel.

So you recognize that her mindset is EXACTLY the same as the drunks and dopers?

I will just say that I am STONE SOBER when I call your ilk names,[behind your back of course ] but that would cease if you would stop entrapping me in speed traps.

It is also against the LAW to commit perjury in a court of law, so when she is under oath giving sworn testimony about her affair, she would HANG herself if she lies.

Is she going to call the police on you?

I'm sitting here at work in an awwwww! I just don't know what to think anymore. My mind feels like its going to explode...

My brother just called and he said she packed up some clothes and left the house...

So now what?

Her anger is the effect that exposure hit the target. Good job.

You might want to start caring a VAR for your protection incase she tries to say you hurt her.

Do you have a GPS on her vehicle?

Let the dust settle.

You haven't seen this scenario 100s of times that we have - you did good! Trust us!

When they pull out the libel/slander card, you know everything is true that you suspect. Libel/slander is a scare tactic nothing more, how many of those cases ever go to court in the USA, probably 1.
That is classic wayward speak to get you off her back.
Also, when the wayward starts saying they don't feel safe, that is set up language for a domestic assault rap. Get that recorder ready and on you at all times.
Good news - she gave you a snapshot of her strategy(waywards are dumb)
More Good news- she is speaking exactly the fog babble of a wayward caught in an affair, so continue to post here for advice. This is going exactly as has been demonstrated here in literally countless situations. All the phrases she is telling you, have been repeated her time after time.
I heard almost the exact words you are quoting.
Remember the rollercoaster, you are on it.
Remember people here telling you, she is an addict or a space alien. Now you see it more clearly.

I know and you guys have been great, it still is tuff to deal with. Well she did pack up some stuff and leave. sHE ALSO TOLD ME SHE CAN NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR THIS...

Yes we know it is very stressful! And don't worry about "forgiveness," because you have no need for forgiveness. You have done nothing wrong!! It is wrong to commit adultery; not wrong to expose wrongdoing.

I never realized how mentaly wearing this is. I feel completely exhausted and I still have 5 hours to go here at work..

Being that she has left and I do see someone did say wait till the dust clears, how long is this going to go on for, how long is she going to be gone, is she going to stick to her guns, because she would look like an idiot staying with a crazy sociopath like me...as she tells me and probably everyone else that I'm crazy and she was only friends with OM etc...

You need to stop listening to her fog babble and believing it as truth.

The anger is her moral compass talking to her...

Wait I think I answered my own question, if they were just friends how would she explain later that they are lovers now...LOL

Read this.
Craziest Things to Come out of a Wayward's Piehole

yep! See how you ruined the future of her affair??

Anywho, once she sees that her tantrum won't work on you she will settle down and come home.

You can just kick back this weekend and catch up on your sleep while she decompresses. CAn you drive by the OM's house and take a picture of her car? Maybe knock on the door and say "hello?"

Or lets see, I say nothing about the affair, and she slips under the radar, we get divorced and moves on with her new man and everyone is left in the dark...

When I followed her she parked in his garage, because friends hide their cars... I will check on my way home tonight.

THAT was the plan. And you ruined it!!

You mentioned that she asked you to leave the house. Don't do it.

It's good you have this board to bounce your thoughts off, because we are here to tell you that you have taken the right course of action.

Stop saying the word sorry to her. You are not sorry, and you should not be sorry. You are fighting for your marriage and exposure is the best weapon at your disposal. But she will not understand that while in the fog.

Does your superior know that you are in this crisis? I would let them know since it will affect your performance at work and your physical health. This is the hardest thing you will probably ever experience, and it is helpful to have the support of your friends, family, and boss.

Hang in there, and keep up the fight.

My work knows, I did talk to them and thats why they are going to get me on day shift. I will stop saying i'm sorry she feels angry. I will say I know your angry, I did this to save our marriage. When I said I did this to save our marriage, she screamed this what is going to save our marriage are you crazy about 5 times.. I said yes...

Way to stay calm, very, very good.

The more calm you remain the more she will spew because she's looking for everything and anything to bring you down to her level and to try and rationalize her disgusting behavior.

I would stop saying you did it to save your marriage. That makes absolutely no sense to her. It is like telling drunk you threw them in jail for his best interest. He is not going to GET IT until he sobers up.

When you say you are sorry, you are saying you are sorry SHE IS HURTING, not that you are sorry you exposed. There is a huge difference.

I would continue telling her you are sorry she is upset because it shows you have empathy and instead of telling her you did it to save your marriage, tell her you felt everyone should know about her affair. And be sure and use the word "affair."

I know its pissing her off that I am calm and not yelling anything. I have stood my ground.. I will not move out of my house. The police will have to drag me out of the house.

I have not told her I'm sorry for exposing. I told her I'm sorry she is angry, I will tell her I'm sorry she is hurting and I will stop telling her I did it to save the marriage.

You are doing awesome!! It is so tempting to get dragged into fights and that is exactly what she wants...

Exactly!

I will tell her I felt everyone should know about the affair..

On a side note, do y'all keep track of WARNING tickets?? Those don't count, right?

I pray to God she wakes up and comes out of the fog...

no we don't do warning tickets, we just let you go with a warning...

Exposure will go a long way in achieving that goal... You don't see it now, but her affair is in a free fall. By exposing, it you have made it impossible for her to bring the OM out into the light of day. You have made it much harder for her.

Exactly!!!

Why wouldn't she want you to share her news with everyone???

I hope you don't give nice ladies speeding tickets!!

She did tell me she filed for divorce because she was done with me.. I just listened when she was screaming and yelling..

We've never heard that before from an angry wayward after exposure.

Did you read the craziest things to come out of a Wayward's piehole that I posted to you?

Snort....chuckle.

And a wayward has never said,"Well I was considering staying with you, but now there is no chance."

Yup, Brain, never heard that one before either.

Exactly!!!

We don't give nice ladies tickets..

Did you hear that Mel???

Nice ladies don't get tickets.

They do in the south!!!

Gonna drive in drag from now on.

This is very exhausting, this whole process... I like how my wife try to tell me they are just friends...apparently a secret friend. I heard a lot of crazy stuff these past two days...

New meaning for "drag racing"

Haha

The hard part is that you will hang on every crazy word she says. Been there, done that. But it helps knowing that what she says are the words of an alien. Don't take it personally and don't take it seriously.

It will make you tired when you're dealing with a wayward and their crazy talk.

I was over on divorce busting website for some time and they really did seem to have this type of approach when it came to infidelity. They seem to just tell you no snooping and just let it work its course. Not sure which approach has a better outcome...just wondering

WD,

They seem to just tell you no snooping and just let it work its course.

That's not really any different from what most people do if they have no support or plan.

It's true most affairs die on their own and the wayward spouse comes back, but the marriage dies too and never recovers even though the spouses stay together. The wayward spouse gets to keep all their secrets while the betrayed spouse is given a life sentence of suffering.

God Bless
Gamma

Their approach enables the affair to last much, much longer than it normally would because they have NO PLAN, no nothing. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so naturally keeping them secret helps them thrive. We have had people from that site come over here after enduring their spouse's affair for YEARS. By that time, the wayward mindset was so entrenched there was no coming back. In one such case, the wife just hired a lawyer and got the enabler husband kicked out. He was forced to pay her mortgage and all her bills while she entertained her little affair partner in HIS HOUSE in HIS BED.

WE have found that the longer the affair goes on, the harder it is to bust up the affair and save the marriage because the wayward mindset just becomes more and more entrenched.

Another lady showed up over here [from that site] but it was a recent enough affair to bust up. They had told her to do nothing while the H was plotting and planning to carry on his affair. She exposed the affair on facebook and the affair was killed THAT DAY. That lady is in recovery and has a great marriage 3 years later. If she hadn't done that, the affair would still be thriving.

That sounds like Plan Doormat. It makes you look weak and complacent. Your WW will remember that you did not fight for her and that OM did.

WD,


They seem to just tell you no snooping and just let it work its course.

Another point about this is that doing nothing sets you up for another affair. There are numerous case when betrayed spouses come back 3 years later on MB saying they should have listened as affair 2 is in full bloom.

God Bless
Gamma

That sounds great, I sure hope I got mine in time. I know I'm already in a divorce proceedings, I sur hope she see's the light.

I would like to thank everyone for all there help, I truly believe I was sent over here by God to get all this insight and wisdom. I am greatly aprreciated for each and everyone of you who have lifted me from the ground...

You are part of the Marriage Builders family, friend.

See, I don't view the fact that she has filed for divorce as sign this has gone on too long. I suspect she did that because she is so terrified at getting caught that she wanted to get out. She sounds like she is EXTREMELY worried about what people think. Most waywards ARE worried, but not so worried that it breaks through the fog. That fear really pierced her fog in a big way. They had a PLAN to quietly replace you.

So I don't view the filing of divorce as necessarily a bad thing but as a factor in her personality. Now, if you had been enabling this for years, I would have my doubts. But I am optimistic about your situation if you can get off that dreaded night shift and start spending your evenings at home.

She is in a difficult position now where if she tries to bring her affair out in the open like she planned, she will indict herself as a liar. If you continue to be nice to her and reach out to her, it will give her second thoughts.

You are very welcome, my friend!

Maybe they know I am not a nice lady!!

WD,
Do you find your wife is acting like a teenager? Selfish? Impetuous? Ornery? Sulky? Self Absorbed? Well, that's her taker out of control.

Thing is, the information that the POSOM's ex-wife gave you indicates that the guy your wife is hooking up with is a loser, and she has no future with him. This is going to flame out and she will hit rock bottom. You have a great chance at being her soft landing.

Melodylane is like some sort of minfd jedi, My wife has told me so many times she didn't want anyone to know she even filed for divorce. She told me she didn't want anyone to know are business. Sheis so worried about what people think of her, you have her pegged, are you don't know her...lol. My wife also suffers from anxiety and its because she is so worried about what everyon else thinks about her. My brother has been carrying on an affair for sometime now, he's been back and forth from his wife and GF about 20 times now...He's an idiot and I have told him, he has no guilt etc... My wife was actually appauled by him and even kept saying he is wrong he's not even divorced. My brother brings his GF to a family function and his wife is there also, Itld him he should leave etc.. This was a few weeks before my wife filed for divorce. I think she used it to shield her own wrong doings.

She is acting like a spoiled brat. His exwife was really worried for my wife. I told my wife I spoke to her and she would like to talk to her, she was a bit shocked taken by it and then she went into I don't want to talk to that F#$%ing lady.

My wife even tried to tell me you told his children, yes she used the word children, 3 of them are in there 20's and one is 16 who I see on FB but I didn't send it to him, God stopped me and his wife requested I did not b/c he is still messed up from their divorce. His exwife even said he doesn't come around for him. So My wife has know idea what she is talking about, trying to guilt me. He must be teling her crap.

My wife is trying to play psychological warfare with me. She took FB down and up the past few days, now its back up and she removed me as her from her status as married to me, but I'm still a friend.

I came home and she was here earlier my brother said getting stuff, well all her clothes are here still, she took her robe and pillow and small tolitries, but she took all are wedding pictures and any group family picture that were hanging on the walls and mantle even the ones with the kids and us. The pictures are gone. I checked the trash cans etc.. nothing MIA, anyone heard of such a thing?

I checked to see if her car was at OM not there unless in the garage, checked her mothers, grandmother and father, not there. I think she went to her GF, why would you take your pillow to OM house...Is it wrong that I don't feel to troubled by this???

She is in a difficult position now where if she tries to bring her affair out in the open like she planned, she will indict herself as a liar. If you continue to be nice to her and reach out to her, it will give her second thoughts.

Are you saying she will have second thoughts and want to end the affair and return to the marriage??

Eventually people are going to ask her what she's going to do. She can't go to OM, she can't stay at a girlfriends forever (that's mainly to scare you), her plan to 'respectably' divorce is bust. It's going to become increasingly clear you can't be bullied into recanting exposure and playing nice with the plan to destroy you.

That's where you offer her an out. Come home and let's show everyone we're trying. Appeal to her sense of reputation. She may only come home to cake eat but it offers you a chance to Plan A.

Then once she's home write everything you were told about OM down. Put it in a big envelope and write 'Affair evidence' in red on the front and leave it where she can find it.

Hey she asked for the evidence!

My wife is trying to play psychological warfare with me. She took FB down and up the past few days, now its back up and she removed me as her from her status as married to me, but I'm still a friend.

I came home and she was here earlier my brother said getting stuff, well all her clothes are here still, she took her robe and pillow and small tolitries, but she took all are wedding pictures and any group family picture that were hanging on the walls and mantle even the ones with the kids and us. The pictures are gone. I checked the trash cans etc.. nothing MIA, anyone heard of such a thing?

I checked to see if her car was at OM not there unless in the garage, checked her mothers, grandmother and father, not there. I think she went to her GF, why would you take your pillow to OM house...Is it wrong that I don't feel to troubled by this???

indiegirl, thanks for the info. Lets see here, She really can't go to OM, apparently she is telling people OM is a friend, at least her Dad thinks this, he has told me this. Now if she comes back home, I'm the sociopath, crazy ontrolling man and what ever else she has told people, how can she come home to this, arent I causse of it all??? How is she going to explain I went back to that.. Just wondering..

My wife told me in yesterdays tantrum of screaming and yelling this exposure did make it to her work, some of her friends I sent it to, work with her.

this is exactly where you want her to be, she is stuck now with the perfect fantasy plan she had. She is going to have to come clean with one story and she will realize that admitting to the affair won't work because she has already lied to so many people about that. So she either puts herself out there as an adulterer or she admits that the marriage breakdown that she claims isn't what she said that you aren't the problem. She has no where to go and the reality of who she has chosen to be is hitting her square in the face. Sit back quietly be still and let it happen let reality do it's job now. The secret is out there to never be put underground again�..You so bravely took care of that. Both families will support you when they have time to realize you are fighting for her and your family it is all new you have to let the thought processing for everyone including your wife take place now.
Affairs aren't real, families are�.marriages are��.no matter how she spins the affair she is going to look badly, believe me there is all sort of conflict going on that the exposure has created and that is a very good thing, the affair couples warts and all will show through, they will be fighting and there won't be a thing she can do for him either without looking bad herself and leaving that legacy for herself���
Sit back, keep busy tackle some home projects exercise a little and let her fight it out in her own mind��
don't apologize just be calm and loving when you do speak to her, tell her you love her and will not stop fighting for her that you believe in her and your life that you understand she is lost right now, but the rest is up to her��..
Taking the photos is a great thing, if that is all she took it must be all that she is worried about losing�..good thing wife, she isn't putting them up at the OM's is she She is worried about losing her family.
You know what you are doing is right and you know she is lost and it will only take time before she sees it too��

I would keep cleaning the house so when she comes she sees it and sees you moving forward and not just sitting around depressed���if there are little things she would notice without any words when she comes to get things that is a good way to do some love deposits�laundry, maybe flowers on her dresser or kitchen table��I think you are doing great I know it's an awful feeling and it's so hard to be still but now is the time for that except for any love deposits you can make in a non threatening way��..
When she complains or yells just keep saying you understand she is upset and that you can be there for her when she chooses her marriage and family again�..
In the meantime you work on being a better husband and father and changing and learning how to make that a reality that the affair was an eye opener for both of you�..and hopefully a second chance�.

As far as I can tell only our wedding pictures and pictures that have all of us kids etc...Or is she destroying them? I looked in her closet znd most of her clothes are still ther. I did notice a ring her grandmother gave her is missing it was in her top drawer. Maybe she is going to pawn. She did threaten to get a PPO, thats a personal protection order or also known as a restraining order...

One thing I can tell you.. My wife has actually never came out in words to this date saying "I want a divorce" She has only ever said things like "I filed didn't I" she has never said I'm divorcing you etc... I just find that strange...

I just sit back her and things pop in my head that I realize now looking in.

One of our conversations a couple weeks back was about losing our family, she was crying and she said she is losing her family, I told her you don't have to, we can keep it together...
I do know my issues and the problems we were having, that is why when she filed I began to change, giving her more words of affirmation/gratitude, affection, making her and the family priority, helping with cleaning, making sure the little things were being done, which turn out to be the big things.

Did she file for divorce? Were you served?

The biggest thing was the affair. All of those other things were issues that could be overcome.

Yes she filed on 2/13/14, I was served, I have an attorney, we answered the complaint, I requested for reconcilliation, MI is a no fault state.. My attorney said she can stall for an extra 60 days or so..

I totaly agree with you mel, Now I know why she didn't want to work on the marriage, the affair was going on...

I think her antics about taking down the pictures was designed to get a reaction out of you. She is grappling to get this all back under control and it is not working. Her affair is in free fall. Can you imagine the crying and raging she is doing to the OM? He will get tired of it soon enough.

I would also step up the spy resources and get some surveillance on her car. A good GPS and perhaps a VAR would do well. And I suspect she has a secret affair phone. Have you looked around for that?

Mel, whats the deal taking the wedding and family pictures only??? I know she pulled me off her FB as Married to, but i'm still a friend...I was just wondering your take on this. You seem to know my wife...

You were right when you said it was psychological warfare. She is trying to punish you and break you down. I suspect she thinks it will shake you up and put you back in her control. It just means her affair Titanic is sinking..

Do you have the kind of relationship with her XH that you could call him or write him and tell him what is going on? It would be nice if he could tell the son.

My wife just text me this,

"sister tried calling me yesterday and your Dad emailed me. I'm notsure what sister wanted, but after the way you have completely humiliated me and embellished things in every sense of the word... I probably don't want to know. Your Father sent me a very sweet email and I appreciate it. You have ruined any chance of me ever having a relationship with your family. You have drug me through the mud and run me down just as you said you would never do. you have turned this seperation/divorce into being completely my fault and trued to make yourself a saint. It makes me wonder if this is your history. I cannot forgive for what you have done. I am asking you to leave me and my family be. You have caused enough pain in my life. I regret the day I ever met you. I guess my purpose for you was to put you in a better place and yours to destroy me".

How do I respond to this text???

I am working on a response. hang tight!

I looked for other cellphone. Her cell use to be under my contract until she got the new one with her mother, She might of already disposed of it, since she has new bill under her mothers. I checked the cell records, she had called him from her old phone about 4times to is office, which is a pharmacy. 16 min calls each during her lunch break on like 2/4/14, she filed 2/13/14. Her new phone has a lock on it and she guards it. I'm sure she could of been calling him from her office phone, she called me all the time from it..

I haven't said a thing about the pictures or FB.

"Dear Sally, your affair has caused me incredible pain and suffering. I am asking that you end your affair with OM. Even if our marriage does not work out, there is no excuse to have an affair. I am not asking for your forgiveness, but for you to end your affair. All my love, XX"

She just asked me if I'm working tomorrow, I am working tomorrow.. I will send her that text now

BE SURE and always refer to her relationship as an "affair."

OM I say his name right

or do I say other man

yes!

when we refer her relationship as an affair is that to keep her angry???

That is to keep the truth on the front burner.

I'll let you know what I get in return

You don't want to signal that her nonsense about a "special friendship" is convincing anyone.

right, her text is clearly blaming me for the affair

and trying to gaslight everyone

Nothing yet, she is usually quick to respond

she responded this.

"enough about the aaffair. There is no OM and there is no us"

I am SO GLAD you posted her text before you responded!! It is very tempting to send back a defensive, knee jerk reaction when you in an emotional situation. And that makes the situation worse. Whereas, those of us on the forum are not emotional and can help you lead the conversation in a strategic way.

She is focusing on the supposed "sins" you have committed against her [yes, blaming you for her affair] so the goal is to change the subject by asking her to end her affair. You will want to be a broken record.

"your affair is causing me incredible pain and suffering. I am asking that you end your affair. Please stop hurting me."

Does she have any idea of the evidence you have? Can you dangle enough evidence to persuade her you know it is an affair?

Yes she does have an idea, I used a recorder in our bedroom and I over heard her talking, saying things like our time is to be together referring not to talk about her situation with me. She told him she was sorry for him putting up with her Drama. During the conversation I think they call me FG when she has her boy in car as they talk on phone.. she sent another long text I will post it.

Ok, how about you respond back with this:

"there is no use denying it. you and I both know you have been sleeping with him. I don't need your confession when I have proof"

she sent this

"You may be successful in running friends and family out of my life, but you will not be successful in getting me back. You have crossed the line and there is no returning. We are getting a divorce and as far as what I do with my life and what you do withyours is irrelevant. I asked if you were working...because I have things to do at home and I don't want to see you".

then this one also

"BTW I am staying at my GIRLFRIEND'S house so don't spread anymore of your ficticous bulls%t!!!"

I didn't send the one above yet do you still want me to send it

"there is no use denying your affair with XX. you and I both know you have been sleeping with him. I don't need your confession when I have proof"

I sent it...

Its funny how I feel crippled with her but when I'm dealing with a citzen or a bad guy I have no problem responding to there statments and knowing what to say

I understand completely! We have been there too..

She sent back

"whatever my name, I'm not going to argue with you. there is nothing else to discuss. Please answer my question?"

her question was if I'm working tomorrow, I will send her yes or leave it?

I would just go ahead and answer yes.

I did

She went to the catch all whatever answer which has so many diffrent meanings..

When she found out my family new of her affai, she had said things like great everyone is going to think I'm a whore, I told her we can fix our marriage, she said you're just going to keep throwing it back into my face etc... so she knows she had an affair.

For the time being, I would focus on being as pleasant as possible while wreaking havoc on her affair. Dr. Harley recommends confronting the OM, for example. I wasn't kidding about that. See, OM are cowards and worms who can be easily run off. Can you make arrangements to go have a face to face with this cockroach? With a witness, of course.

It means I have no clue what to do or say.

The legal threat of "I'll sue you" is what usually gives away the fact that they're clueless and desperate. They have literally never anticipated having to defend themselves. Every wayward since time began just expects the BS to sit there silently and comply with the secrecy.

The OW in my case threatened to 'go the police' and have me sued for slander. I really hope she did and gave the cops a good laugh as it's a civil not a criminal matter. Not only that but I'm a reporter and I describe misdeeds in a newspaper every day. I'm an expert on libel and as my friend of 15 years she knew that very well.

They just ramble like drunks.

Yes, here.
"I Recommend for BHs to Confront OM" Dr. Harley

Also, isn't part of your evidence is OM's DNA on her panties?

I'm off Monday and I know where he works, so I could do this, its just I have to be careful b/c of my position. believe me if I wasn't a cop, I would be knocking on his front door. When you say be pleasent to her and rec havoc on the affair, I do the havoc how, other than confronting OM, and its going to be somewhat hard being pleasent when she is GF. Not sure how long she plans on staying there and I don't even know which GF, she is staying with...

Yes I did a checkmate and it tested positive, I have another pair that need to be tested, She caught wind of the DNA through my family, I did mention check mate.. When she blew up that Monday she said I was sick and I just denied my evidence when she was screaming and yelling at me..

Just don't listen when she talks. Until the A is over and she's through withdrawal it will all be nonsense.



This would really help. Since he lost his business after becoming wayward he is probably planning to live off your maintainance check as a buddy to the A. You need to tell him you aren't permitting this A, you know all about his past affairs, you've made sure no one will accept him and if it gets to a D it will be a nasty battle and he will be named in the paperwork and called to testify as to his destruction of your marriage. Do you have alienation of affection laws where you live?

Just make it all far too much trouble for him. He's a vulture who sees your wife as low hanging fruit with a cash bonus.


There's a good chance of getting him to drop her like a hot rock.

I predict she will be back soon enough. I think her staying away is more of a dramatic action designed to upset you. So just stay nice and pleasant in all your dealings with her.

And yes, the "havoc" means to confront the OM and exploit any other opportunity to cause trouble, such as putting a GPS on her car and calling up the OM every time you see he is in contact.

I agree. She's clearly just having a huge toddler tantrum.

MI is a no fault state. I just listened to the radio show on confronting OM, Dr.Harley did say call him, I;m sure a face to face would be better. I just have to be careful with my position as a police officer, rules of conduct unbecoming which can be anything the dept wants it to be. My wife has already filed for divorce, which I know can be stopped.

Have you noted the dates she put those panties in the hamper?

I believe adultery is illegal in Michigan?

Did you have SF with your WW while she was in her affair? I'd get tested for STD/I.

There was an adultery case not to long ago here in MI, I will have to research the case. I did right down the date, I tested and I wrote the date down from the other panties. I have them I ave to get another test. I did have SF with her, I know I have to get tested for STD. I remember when we did, She wouldn't kiss me and she told me, Thats why I married you b/c your so good at it. It just seem so odd when she told me that. She said so other stuff that seemed odd...

Repeating from a post I wrote yesterday, these are the two things you need to do ASAP:

1) Print out the things that the POSOM's ex wife told you. Make it a succinct list of bullets. If its to wordy she won't read it all. These damning points she will not accept, but they will plant seeds, which will always be in the back of her mind, and they will germinate as the POSOM shows his true colors, which we know will happen.

2) Confront the POSOM. Bring a reliable witness with good reputation. Tell him you are fighting for your marriage and to stay away from your wife. Do not be cordial. Be firm, serious, and look him in the eye. Do not threaten him, but if you can catch him sitting down, I would lean over towards him with your arms on the table, look down at him and say, "Stay away from wife." This position is very intimidating.

Keep in mind that anything your wife says is fogbabble. She is not herself.

I laughed when I read that she told you that everyone considers you a saint. My wife told me after I exposed, "Everyone thinks you're a saint, and I'm the worst person of 2011! I hate you and we will never be together again."

Well, guess what? Her affair eventually died and she came back, and we recovered using Dr. Harley's principles. So chin up. Everything she is expressing right now is just wayward gobbledygook.

Brother, just let it roll like water off a duck's back.

Perfect advice!!

Justthe3ofus, I have to actually say, her taking the pictures, here not being home has not bothered me, her babble sometimes gets me. I don't react to it. I actually havent been to bad. I will even call his exwife and see if I can get more dirt, I know she said he doesn't spend much time with his 16 year old, and my w doesn't like the fact my relationship is strained with stepson, however I have tried to break ground with him for the last 6 years, I still try to..

Good advice about taking notes on the phone call to ExW!

And I know I don't have to tell you but just to remind you...
Don't visit the OM on duty, in a patrol car or in uniform.
Bring a big trusted friend and a VAR (voice activated recorder) so you can prove (if needed) there were no threats.

I got that. I found a photobooth photo one of the pictures that was displayed in our dining room, in my sock drawer torn in half. I will just leave it there... I might call a friend of mine who is a police officer in the city he works, maybe he lend me an officer when i confront him..

Lets see back at work until midnight, just those text from the wife today, nothing more. Just wondering how long this is going to go on, I know its only been 2 1/2 days. Just sitting her wondering..

I haven't called her since this exposure, she has been the one who makes contact. I really miss her, we use to call eachother when we would go and leave work. On Saturday mornings I would always roll over and cuddle her, we would then wake up and have coffee together and just chat in the morning. I really miss this. Her being out of the house has seem to kick a reality into me. I only wish I knew what she was thinking. I'm not sure what she did with all those other pictures. I did find the photobooth one torn right down the middle splitting us apart..

I find it interesting that she let me know my Dad sent her a really nice email. He told her in the email that she is a great asset to this family and wants us to restore our marriage. I know this because he told me.. I'm just thinking out loud..

I need a good plan A anybody got a link for it.

Some good Plan A stories?

Here's a good one.
jah's Thread-Three Affairs Is it Time to Quit?

Listen to the clips.

TranquilDark has done a stellar job with his Plan A, in my opinion. He is a MB Warrior, and he has been disciplined and steadfast in sticking to the plan. He had to make adjustments early on, but he has done a great job. He is still currently in Plan A, and he posts here regularly.

WIFE'S EA

My wife has been staying with GF since exposure on 3/27/14 or least thats what she says, so how will I do a plan A, when she is a avoiding me. She hasn't totaly moved out yet and not sure if she is coming or when she will return to the home.. I haven't contacted her since she fled. So what is my best course of action???

Did you read the threads that were posted to you? They have both Plan A'd from afar.

I'm in the process of reading them

What are her top ENs? What did you do while dating?

We spent a lot of time together, we talked on the phone, we had a lot of sex, she likes to be thanked. I notice she always says thank you when I do something for her, she will say thank you a few times even after the fact, several hours later etc.. I have been making my changes since she filed 2/13/14, I stopped drinking completely, I have been telling her how much I appreciate the things she does for me and the kids. I even was starting conversations with her and when she complained of something I just listened. I actually started making her a priority, by giving her back massages with out her having to ask. I have been cleaning house etc.. Since I went to afternoons I don't cook anymore. so if I get on days hopefuly by this wed that will help, thats if she comes home

Her EN our
words of affirmation/gratitude
quality time
conversation
physical touch, not just sex, she would always lay her head in my lap at the end of the day and I would caress her head forehead ears etc...

When we dated we were together all the time, I would take her on the harley, bicycle rides, we would work out together etc...

I read wifes ea, I'm just trying to think of something now, especially since our contact has been minimul, I know she did all the screaming and yelling the past 1 1/2 and then the text she sent today...

when I exposed the A on 3/27/14 I fixed her flat tire for her when she told me it wasn't necessary...

WD, just be as pleasant as possible when you interact with her. Be affectionate and have pleasant conversations with her WHERE YOU CAN. Keep the house nice and shiny and don't react to her manipulation tactics.

She will be back when she calms down.

Are you still taking the Harley out? Bike riding? Working out?

Let her know you have plans to do so & ask her to join you.

She can either say "Yes" or "Are you crazy?"

Either way, you have nothing to lose.

I know Mel, you know best, its just a scary feeling sitting her with so much unknown. I Know she can be pretty stubborn, I just learned how stubborn these past 6 weeks...

I had to sell the Harley due to a pay cut. I have to get her back into the home to ask her she did say she is staying with GF. I'm not sure if I should call her or give her this time to process her anger...

Which means if she wants to come back and commit to the marriage, wild horses won't stop her!!

I will be coming to your fine state in june. Can you do something about the extremely LOW speed limits up in Traverse?

I didn't know the speed limit were slow up there...

I see your point Mel, I had everything to gain by doing this exposing. Or do nothing and watch her slip under the radar with her new man...

Indiegirl made a great point about OM trying to get some of the maintence money from W after divorce.. Only thing she can get is half the equity from our home which would be around 25-30 grand for my wife.She even took my paperwork for my annuity money, pension and daughters college fund when she told me I worked hard for it and she didn't want any of it. The OM probably wants it. Scumbag might get a visit from me tomorrow, I'm a little pissed especially going after my daughters college money. GRRRR

I have an idea, I have access to DNA kits for detainees who get arrested for specific crimes and we have to collect their DNA. I was just wondering if I leave this kit in a place that she see's it and thinks that I'm going to send his DNA to the lab. I did do a checkmate and it was positive and it wasnt mine. I do have another pair to test. What do you think of this..

Good idea! And I would also leave the book Survivng an Affair lying around. Did you say you have that book?

I do have the book, I just figured a little bit of imagination, we do it here when we interigate people arrested for crimes, to get them to either admit or give us a confession.

I better buy another copy of Surviing An Affair, just in case she steals it..

I find it interesting that she still has a picture of us on her FB, its a picture of us at my Sergeants promotional ceremony...God I Miss her so much, I hate this no contact, not coming home, it just sucks!!!!

Just hang tight! I predict she will be back. When she does get back, I would play it cool and calm and look for opportunities to ask her to go out on short dates with you. What is her work shift?

Her schedule is Monday off, Tue 8a-8p,Wed 9a-5p, Thur 8a-8p, Fri 8a-4p and Off Sat, Sun.

I'm exhausted and when i'm tired like this I feel more depressed and then I start thinking more.

I should be going to days shift starting next week Commander just told me we should be getting some new personal...

you can always confront the OM at his job when there are lots of people around. Retail Pharmacies are usually swamped with people on Monday's and after 5:30pm. You can make it loud enough so the OM's coworkers hear. Coworkers and subordinates love to gossip.

I want to warn you about something: Make sure you keep a recorder on you at all times, hidden.

I had sex with my wife when she was in her affair, and she later claimed that I drugged, kidnapped and raped her. The accusations didnt go far, because she claimed that a doctor in the local Hospital conspired with me to drug her and it was all just complete nonsense.

But this is a common claim by wayward wives, so protect yourself

I truly believe when I went back to church and the service was about fighting for your Family, scripture was Nehemiah 4:14b "Remember the Lord, who is great and awesome, and fight for your brothers, your sons and your daughters,your wives and your homes." I almost turned around to go to a differnt church..

Is he a licensed pharmacist?
Does he work for a corporate chain store or a mom and pop pharmacy?

I will keep a recorder on me all the time. Why would she do such a crazy thing, unreal.. I know mine told me I messed with the wrong women...I'm not scared of her. I really do want to confront this OM. They must just lose their minds, some of the stuff my wife has said, one minute I will throw the affair in her face if we get back together and then a few days later she didn't have an affair.

Im not sure, why? Its a compounding solution pharmacy..

I think he is a licensed pharmacist

The reason why I ask is because you may want to expose to his employer; write that you have evidence that he is having an affair with your wife and may using company resources in doing so.
A mom and pop pharmacy may just fire him, if they are religious. A chain store would probably call him into the office and ask about phone calls, etc.

Also, I would consider filing a Complaint with the state licensing board for ethics. It would probably be dismissed, but it would nonetheless put him on notice that it's tit for tat.

Henry Ford had a policy in business of firing any employee involved in adultery. There are many business owners today that are the same way.

I see, makes sense..

Also, if it's a mom and pop store I would consider even picketing in front of the store with a sign "This store employs adulterers" (with a friend always) (I'm a former union organizer and familiar with picketing to get a message across - business owners hate picketers)

I just checked it appears he is the owner of this place, according to the home page on the internet..

Also, have you posted OM on www.cheaterville.com?
List the city he lives in on the post and tell your story.

I'm a Union guy myself...

Wow, now this some serious information, I never new there was this much stuff..

This is how we dealt with problem business when I was an organizer:

1. picketing

2. call a pest exterminator, tell them you have rats and need them removed...give them business address.

3. file code complaints..workers smoking near doors, fire code complaints, health department complaints, etc.

4. Call the business often. Workers in India and China will call a business 100 times a day for around $5.

5. Dig into business records/ news articles/ complaints filed against the business. Set up a website to "expose" the business with links to the articles.

6. leave negative ratings on business review sites. Every internet phone listing has a place for customer comments...post Om on cheaterville and leave links to the cheaterville post on all the customer review pages.

7. Find out if he is a member of the Chamber of Commerce or a local trade/ industry association. If so, write an exposure letter to the groups directors.

This is just outright war. Use every legal means at your disposal to ruin this cockroach

it might only be an ethical complaint with the state licensing board if she is a patient of the pharmacy.

Does the business have a Facebook Page? You can get about 30 different legitimate facebook accounts commenting however you want them to say, with links to cheaterville, or anything else...for about $5.

You can make it so he has to shut down his facebook

I keep thinking about her text saying I humiliated her and dragged her through the mud and I told her I would never do that. I had ruined any chance of ever getting back together, I'm second guessing everything I have done...

Yes, i know. But the state will receive it and let him know it was later dismissed. the point is to keep him looking over his shoulder all the time

Exposure is the single act that sppeds up the death of an affair. Harley has dealt with more than 50,000 such cases (according to him on a recent show) and has determined this.

He shut his down, it included his type of business, he just has an internet page and its pretty generic...

Wow, remind me to never piss you off. LOL

Hey...all is fair in love and war.

I keep thinking about some of the stuff she has said like, why are you trying to ruin his life! ruin his life, what about ours???

She is defending him because she is in love with him.
My wife had an affair with a felon that was imprisoned for 9 years for trying to kill his own 3 yr old daughter!
When I uncovered his criminal record, she was furious that I told others (family) about it...including our children!
She still tells them (she lives with him now) that he's a "nice guy!"

exactly,

this is why you need to kick the OM out of your sandbox!

Now thats messed up, and unreal, are you kidding me???

I have to pay this guy a visit.. I need all the resources to make sure he is kicked out of our lives. Give me every idea MB has..

No, I'm not kidding.
You'll often see posters write that your wife is "in the fog."

The definition of "the fog," as explained by Dr. Harley is "irrational thinking."
As a law enforcement officer, you probably encounter people that make you scratch your head. My high school best friend worked in prisons and later a county jail for years, and he told me that he knew many of the people in jail...because they were repeat offenders. Why do they do that?

Well, you can have someone completely law abiding and stable...that will cash in the pension, run off with the 20 year old secretary into the sunset with the convertible he just bought with his life savings....

....and this same individual will crawl back a few months later. He was thinking irrationally! And people in affairs behave like a drug addict! That's why Harley treats them like addicts and their affair partners as a drug of choice..because they will do ANYTHING to get a fix!

I have to get her out of this fog.. I need everyones ideas so I can get her to withdraw and get cleaned.

I'm glad i'm here, I need as much input and ideas to get her out of this mess, I know mel predicts she will be back home. so I have to make sure I don't love bust and fill her love banks and then get rid of the drug..

It would be a great idea to post him on cheaterville. That is another way you can run this jerk off. These postings on these cheater websites drive the cheaters CRAZY.

how would he know he's on the site?? do i tell him..

Call him up at work and ask him lots of questions about the Checkmate DNA kit you bought, he is a pharmacist and should be able to answer some questions. Then drop a line 'oh yeah, my wife is having an affair with a pharmacist".

Thats a great idea, thats awesome...see that DNA thing was asked by my wife because that got back to her that I had DNA, so I'm sure he knows about it also.

Do you have his photo?

You would email or text him a link. But you need a photo. Do you have one? Does he have a page on linkedin?

I can get one, he has some on the internet..why now were talking, some good ideas..

Cheaterville will email a link to his post to any email address you ask them to. There is a tool on the website to "email cheater report."

if we can just keep him posting his entire shift we can keep him from giving tickets to nice ladies!

he has a page on linkdn

I mentioned that as a resource to find his photo for cheaterville.com but it sounds like you already found his pic. I would go to his linkedin page if you can and copy the names of his business contacts. If you cant access them, then see if you can get to his "skills and endorsements" section and see if he has endorsements. Make a note of the people who endorsed him because they are likely his closest friends or colleagues. See if you can find their facebook pages so you can also send them a link to cheaterville.com/

See, most OM don't want trouble from angry husbands. They just want a little side fun and don't give a CRAP about the wayward wife. After all, only the lowest scum would degrade a married woman in such a way. It is obvious he does not care about her. So the idea is to give him as much grief as possible so he will dump her. That is usually what happens.

WD...previously, you mentioned that you are LEO and need to be careful that you do not break any of your departments rules of conduct, etc. Please be careful and prudent in anything you do so that your actions do not fall into the category of harassment or stalking against OM.

You are not to blame for the affair and should not jeopardize your career.

FooledMe, That is what I'm worried about, I will confront him, stalking here in MI is defiened as follows

STALKING IS DEFINED AS:
�...a �willful course of conduct� involving repeated or
continuing harassment of another individual that would
cause a reasonable person to feel terrorized, frightened,
intimidated, threatened, harassed, or molested, and that
actually causes the victim to feel terrorized, frightened,
intimidated, threatened, harassed, or molested.�
Michigan Penal Code MCLA750.411 h
In this definition, �willful course of conduct� refers to a
pattern of behavior made up of a series of two or more
separate noncontinuous acts which share the same
purpose. The term harassed is defined as repeated or
continuing unconsented contact directed toward a
victim resulting in emotional distress.
ANYONE CAN BE A STALKER.
ANYONE CAN

But its ok to go have infidelity! Something is wrong with this world!!!

It sounds promising that I should be going to day shift starting monday, I need this, God has been with me along with you from MB.

It appears that when people like us go across the grain we are considered the abnormal, b/c we decide to fight for what we believe in, the vows we took between God and the church, instead they want us to roll over and just allow it, I bet if the laws were changed that if you caught a person with your spouse they would be put to death or thrown in prison for life, it would lower infidelity and the divorce rate.. People need to live by the word of God, Not man... In 1 corthians there is a verse that states to the married there will be many troubles, 2000 years ago we new this.

Let see here I sit second guessing myself, I hate when I do this. According to the way my wife responded to the exposure, would we say she was guilty of having an affair? 100% accurate??

I sure hope the humiliation she is feeling doesn't cause her to just hide and never come back...

What is keeping her from coming back is her addiction to the affair, not exposure. Betrayed spouses get fulled into believing that exposure or their past mistakes in the marriage are the cause of the wayward's actions. Nope. Was your wife acting this crazy before her affair? She is a crack addict and you are trying to take her crack pipe away from her. That is why she is reacting like a raging lunatic. And though the humiliation is also hard for her, the worst part is that she knows what she is doing is taboo and that her circle knows about it so now it will be much harder to carry out her fantasy.

It would be worse if she lost all sense of shame. That's what creates an atypical WW. It is normal and healthy to be ashamed of adultery.

When she confronts it, apologises and starts living a better life she will lose her shame. But she won't do that while the A lives.

This is why she cries so much. She can't see doing without it, but it is shameful.

I've seen NOTHING here in her reactions, phone calls or texts that's any different than the normal, usual response of the WS script. Remember,,, we told, you prior to exposure, what her response was going to be. "I was going to give us a chance but not now!! You blew it now! I hate you! Don't ever talk to me again" and on & on,,,,,,

Your marriage can survive her anger but it won't survive the affair if it's not destroyed.

You are doing a great job! Keep it up and don't doubt yourself!
You are doing what a strong, loving H has to do. Standing up for your marriage!

How did her first marriage end? What's the ex like? Can you see her son soon?

Have you exposed to your daughter? Could she tell her stepbrother?

Who is this girlfriend she's staying with and does she support the A?

I don't know which Girlfriends she is staying at, her son is at his Dad's, She told me if there was a glimmer of a glimmer of hope you ruined it now. She told me if there was a glimmer of hope i ruined it, when someone told her from my family, she even said you will throw it back in my face referring to the A.

I don't know if her girlfriend supports the A. My wife didn't tell me which GF. Not sure why she hasn't come home yet, unless she is trying to make me worry, or her addiction is strong. She did take all the wedding pictures and pictures that had us and kids together. I did find one photobooth picture of me and the wife torn in half in my sock drawer..

I drove by OM house last night, I didn't see her car but she could be parked in the garage... She did ask if I had to work today b/c she needed to come home and do some stuff and she said she didn't want to see me..

I do believe she will have to eventually come home, step son can't stay at his dads forever and how long is her GF going to want her to stay with her. My wife wasn't acting crazy before I exposed. She did seem to avoid me, she slept moore and said she is so tired and needs to get motivated, she stopped caring about the house, and we didn't have any kids on the weekends I was off she was going out and always said with a GF. My brother told me before the divorce was filed he noticed for sometime on fridays when we didn't have kids she was gone. When she filed for divorce she seemed to go out more without any regard to me. When I asked if she wanted to go do something with me, she would first think about it and then tell me no. I think she felt like she was betraying the OM.

Nerlycrzy, I heard all of those responses, I was just letting my mind wander and that makes me to start thinking into it to much..

I haven't heard from her Mother, I'm very suprised, she is a BS, and her Mother Is a BS. Grandma is a really nice lady who really liked me a lot. I tried calling her on exposure day and couldn't get through. She isnt on FB. I wonder if I should call her. According to my wife her Grandpa was cheating on her. Grandma allowed it and she talks how much she loved him and she still talks about him as if he never did wrong. He has passed sometime ago..

My wife did tell me this Grandpa use to always teller how homley she was when she was a child. My wife has low self esteem, likeyou wouldn't believe.

Your wife is having a sexual affair and she is behaving just like other cheaters behave when they are exposed. Don't second guess yourself for a second!

This is great news! Does this mean you are off work tonight?

Also, I would call the grandmother and the mother and tell them you love your wife very much and ask them to use their influence to persuade her to end her affair. See if they will help you out. It would also help if her mother called the OM directly and told him to buzz off.

Your wife is with the OM, I am sorry to say. All they did was hide her car somewhere and he picked her up.

My wife is home, and she is still pissed, I asked how she was and she said not good. I told her I'm sorry that she is angry and I did this to save our marriage. She told me all the things I was doing before would of saved our marriage, but what I did was uncalled for and it can't be saved. I told her I'm sorry she is hurting. She then went on to say I hope your attorney is back tomorrow b/c there is a fair proposal and I need you to get moving on this, I want this done fast referring to divorce. Step son is home also, he won't even speak to me, so I don't know how to tell him what is going on. He hates me...My wife then said, I thought you were working tonight I said no not anymore. She then said great I'm leaving, I said you don't have to. She then said she is exhausted and she is going to lay down.. I did tell her that our marriage is still worth working on it.

At this point what do I say to here and how do I act.

I think her son must know something about other man, b/c he asked if FG (FG is code name for me)was being a douche, when she was talking to him the night I heard her talking to OM, Son was in the car whith her when she was taling to me about divorce stuff. she was explaining it to OM on phone.


I left the DNA kit out, along with the book, on our dresser. She took it. I asked her if she seen my book on the deresser she said your affair book, I put in your closet and your DNA kit I put it in toilet, so get some toilet DNA, but I'm sure you had another one. I didn't say anything, I just said oh.

I was at church when she came home.

Wife also said, if she was home she would of assaulted me and she didn't want to go to jail...Did I piss her off that bad???

Awesome! And I would ask your attorney to drag things out as long as possible. The worst thing you can do is cooperate with the divorce. Her anger and her affair won't last long so your goal is to outlast her affair.

I would just be as pleasant as possible like we discussed earlier. You are doing just great!

You interfered in her affair in a HUGE WAY!!

She asked me where daughter was at, she went fishingh with her cousins, She said ok. She then told me that step son has tutoring at 5pm and when daughter was coming home b/c she can go with them when I'm at work. She then asked, do you want her around me. I said I have no problem with her being around her...

I already told my attorney to drag it out, she said she could try to get another 60 days..

When I first got home she was doing laundry, I'm sure she was washing the underware first...

So should I just let her sleep, should I give he hug, I feel like I don't know what to do...

She defiently looked exhausted. I feel bad for her. why do I feel bad for her..

I'm going to switch over to my phone, I don't want her finding my war plan... How do I tell son about this, when he won't even look my way, I said hi to him and he like was shut down, I asked how he was doing, he mummbled ok, He just isn't to happy to see me...

Sorry my mind is racing, I have to slow it down, breathe in and out slowly....

Well, you and step son were never close, and she sees her mom now raging over exposure. He's only heard her side, and since he never liked you, it's no surprise he's siding with her.

The truth is, you have to Plan A your son also. And if he is going to be in the house with you for awhile, go back and read the link that BrainHurts dropped early in this thread. The blended family situation is tough, but Dr. Harley gives a protocol that will help you with it.

Find some time while she is asleep to sit down next to him & explain. Tell him you know he is aware of bits & pieces of the problems between you & his mom but there is more to it. Explain that you love him & his mother and would never deliberately do anything harmful to them. His mother is having an affair and you desperately want to save the marriage. Tell him you'd like his support to save your family but, regardless how this ends up, you will always be there for him.

Ask him if he has any questions...

Step son is a tough one and I love him a lot. I have trying to figure out his love languages, to see how he wants to be loved. He 14 and he's got a lot of his own puberty issues going on. I 'll look for the link I do remember it...

You mentioned thee things that got in the way of your marriage: 1) drinking 2) swing shift, 3) step son.

You've addressed the first two very effectively, and your wife is definitely taking note. Now for #3.

It's complicated because right now the issues that made it hard can't be worked on completely since you and wife are not operating as a couple. Seems the best you can do is show your step son respect, let him know that you love his mom and him more than anything. He may not understand everything that is going on, but kids have an innate sense of security and stability. Deep down, they want it, though that desire is subconscious. His mom's gallivanting does not provide a secure and stable situation for the son.

When you have a chance, let him know that are making changes that will make for a happy home life, and that you want for both him and Mom to be happy.

And don't apologize to him for exposing the affair, and STOP apologizing to your wife. You are doing everything right, and nothing wrong in exposure.


This takes time, WD. Trust in the plan and give it a lot of time.

You might try asking him,, ya know, POJA him.
14 is a tough age!!

I told her I was sorry she is angry. Do I continue with saying things like your affair tore my heart out.. and to stop having the affair.. I'm not going to apologize for exposing and I haven't apologized for exposing it..

I want to crawl into bed with the wife and cuddle her. I'm exhausted myself.

I looked in the garbage and I seen a plastic bag labled laundry the kind you get from a hotel. I think she pawned the ring her grandmother gave her, it's missing maybe to Pay hotel bill.

my wife is up so I asked her after tutoring with son, what she would like for dinner and she said they will be ok. thank you though. I said well I would like them to have some dinner with me and daughter when they get back and I will wait for them. She replied, I don't care what you want right now in a firm voice. We will be fine and go with out us. I just replied ok. She is seperating the kids...

Can you make a nice big dinner and then invite them to come eat when its done?

I can, they won't be home until 630pm From tutoring.

Can you cook?

I called her hon, and she said don't call me hon. boy is she going to attack everything thing.

I use to do all the cooking, before I went to afternoons. I'm the chef of this house.

She is coming back down to earth. Just hang in there. You just need to focus on 2 areas:

1. busting up her affair. Go pay loserboy a visit tomorrow and post his picture and story on cheaterville

2. being as kind as possible without showing any kind of desperation. No fighting, no accusing.

Nice! Cook something you know she loves. And when its done, cheerfully walk out and tell them there is plenty of food if they are hungry. Then go back in the kitchen and eat with your daughter.

And be sure and clean up the kitchen afterwards. [wipe down the counters too]

I'm good with those two things. I'm going to cook dinner if they choose to eat or not. I'll be ok with it.

That is perfect!

So she is getting ready to take son to tutoring , she's always running late. I tell her what time it is so she kicks into gear, she s says let's go to son and states I have to stop at bank to get money for tutoring. I gave her a 100.00 bill I said take this for him. She replied I'm going to take money from you after what you did in a low voice. I let that roll right off my back. I said I love him and I care about him take for his tutoring and what ever else you need. She replied so you get to be the martyr. I set the money on the dresser and went to the grocery store. I came back and the money was gone. I just let it roll right of my back again. See she has complained a little bit about me making more money and I have no problem helping step son..

Very good!! You handled that beautifully...

Nothing to add but your doing awesome. Plan A is a steady, slow, deliberate process. Just keep in mind you won't get any credit or positive reinforcement from your WW. That doesn't mean she won't remember it. Your also getting some good advice and not as stubborn as most people who come here. God bless and I'll pray for your success.

I'm cooking one of her favorite middle eastern dishes. Chicken shawarma. She loves it. I will even do a garlic lemon yogart sauce.

Right on!!!

yum!

Ok, WD,I'll bite. Excuse the pun.

Shawwarma, a meal for superheros.

Sounds like a good plan, Iron Man!

sounds great, don't be discouraged if she doesn't eat it with you, she will and she will notice the effort and love put into it for her ��.
I did this for a few weeks in the beginning making the house a home and not worrying about his response I did it set a nice table and if he didn't come home or out of his spare room at the time I ate, enjoyed a glass of wine and then cleaned up packed up the food and he would eventually come out and eat it and even comment on the taste and effort ��
I would also watch a movie especially ones he would be interested in and invite him if he showed to watch it he did if not I continued the evening as planned�.he eventually came out and we would talk small talk at first then with each movie each meal it got better ���can you pack her a lunch for work?
I would try to speak to your step son, he might see it differently then you think he might be a help for you to keep his family together���who knows, since your turning everything around for the better maybe you can work on that relationship as well��..just a thought��it sounds like she is calming down she isn't screaming anymore, hehe!!!! Try to be happy even if you don't feel it around her ��.I remember when I was going through it If one little thing happened that was nice or positive it was enough each day to try again the next day and so on and so on, it will take some time����.

Nice comments, Jessi.

WD, if you need some inspiration regarding Plan A, watch the movie Fireproof. The situation is a little different, but the main character's perseverance and dedication to the task is very inspiring. Check it out!

Hopefully she will, but my WH did not.



Isn't that right!!

my wife and I watched that movie fireproof 3 yrs ago. I 'm not sure what happen since then. I'm sitting her just thinking how I missed this entire affair. I didn't really know anything until she filed. All the clues I missed, I don't really know how long it has been going on...it is just mind boggling to me...I will take everyone's advice. thanks. I will keep posting for sure.

I have learned not to be stubborn. One of my changes I did. Stubborn equals selfishness. So I changed that.

WEll, I don't think its cool to recommend a program [Fireproof] on Dr Harleys website that he doesn't advocate. I can't remember what I heard him say about it but I know he didn't agree with it's concepts. [might have been unconditional love? I can't remember]

Odd I just got a fb friend request from my wife..

I am scraping my memory but I think his fundamental objection to that program was the fact that it advocated unconditional love, ie: sacrifice and did not believe in romantic love. That is in direct contradiction of Marriage Builders. MB promotes romantic love and avoids unconditional love because couples that are in love don't get divorced. Marriages that practice UL tend to fall out of love. He summarizes his position on "unconditional love" here:

here

Had she unfriended you?

I don't think I would accept her request because I suspect her reason might be to post nasty things about/to you on your facebook page.

She never unfriendied.

and she sent another friend request??

How dos that happen?

Not sure. I have seen her in my friends list for a couple days now. Not certain about why another friend request.

I don't know what's going on. Now she's gone from my friends list.

Sounds like she blocked you.

Have you checked to see if you can see her profile?

That's fine...

She came home around 7:40 pm from his tutoring ,so me and my daughter ate already. They came in and I asked if the ate, she said no, I told her and the boy I made Shawarma, She replied oh good thank you, she made herself a plate and I noticed she had her head down like she was depressed. So I asked how sons tutoring went and she explained everything that was going on with his math. Actual conversation. She even told me it cost her 60.00.for tutoring and she put gas in the car with the money I gave. Son ate I even had conversation with him about math and he responded...

Kids are in other room and now the devil returned. Wife asked me exactly what did you tell my father, I just said I told him the truth. Now when she asked me this she was holding back from yelling b/c of kids.. She then went into the whole speel that I'm crazy and what did I think I'm going to accomplish by doing this. I simply stated to save our marriage and family. She went into you think that is what is going to save our marriage etc...going on and on. I said yes. She even asked did you read this in a book, who told you to do this, how is it going to save our marriage. Tell me how. I told her I can't right now..She wanted the playbook. She acted like she was going to hit me when I told her I'm sorry she is hurting.. She even told me thanks for straining her relation ship with her dad some more. He told me he wanted to take her to dinner Wed. Now she doesn't want to go. I did tell her I'm not going to same I'm sorry she decided to have an affair. She said she filed for divorce and it's irrelavant. She did start telling me all the things I did and I said your right I did those things and I'm responsible for them. She said all my changes I made would of saved our marriage not doing what I did. She said all the things I've done she should of f'D 10.guys already referring to sleeping. I never lost my cool, she told me there are three kind of people and one was loving a person unconditional, one you have to please and one you never can please. She put her father in the last one. I asked what about me. She didn't have one for me other than I'm done with you. I told her I'm doing all this to save our marriage and I've been loving you unconditional.. She was pissed during this whole conversation. She told me everyone fears for her safety b/c I'm crazy. But you came home to me.... She left and went in the other room. I'm watching big bang, she likes it too. she's came in the room watching it with me...

She still is pissed. She asked me what I told my daughter. I said I told her the truth. She said your version. I it's funny everyone is fearful for you but your in the same home with me and sitting in the same room with me..

She asked me several times for my evidence and what do you have. I just simply said I have proof, she continue to ask I didn't budge. She said b/c you don't have any.

While sitting in living room with me she starts asking when am I going to take care of the house getting it refinance etc.. I will when I do, I told her. She told no you won't your going to drag it out for what a year. That s your plan b/c you want to get what you want. She said your not going to. She is pretty pissed she even flipped me off.

Now she told me that I'm not sleeping in the bed with her. I politely told her I will be sleeping in the bed. She said no. She then told me she F hated me. She stated why do I have to sleep somewhere else, she said she had to sleep somewhere else all weekend. I told her that you made that choice, you didn't have to , she said yes I did , I didn't want to be around you, She flipped me off. She even told me that I'm delusional.

She spilled something in the kitchen, the rice I made and I hear a huge slam, She damn near knocked the frig through the wall. I try to help she tells me to get the F away from her, She is crying uncontrollably, I give some tissue she slaps it com my hand and states I hate you, I want you out of here. I go back into the living room while she throws her tantrum. She comes over to me saying I hate ,I hate you, she then hits me in the head twice. I told her to stop hitting me. She said go ahead call the cops, I don't care if I go to jail. She went into the sunroom slamming the doors. I went to the bedroom.

Is this going to be a long night. I've seen drug addicts going through withdraws and my wife seems like she is 10 times worse. God help me. I need some advice here...

I really hate seeing her like this... I asked her why she hated me, she wouldn't answer me.. during all of this I have remained calm and spoke to her in a low voice. Where did my patience come from...

Dr Harley would tell you to call the cops on her.

I'm sure most would call the cops. What's that going to solve, she goes to jail for assault and now what kids are all crying , moms going to jail etc...

My mother hit me harder in the head when I was boy. She didn't hit me hard she slowed it down...

Don't worry I have my voice recorder on.

It will teach your kids that abuse isn't tolerated and it will be documented with the cops.

I know, I have been dealing with domestic violence calls for the last 18 yrs. They are the worst calls to go to and the most dangerous. I almost got stabbed on one.

Apparently I took her crackpipe away from her...and she is pissed..

Be careful!! You inflicted a horrendous blow to her affair. As you can see, she is very, very addicted. She feels trapped and it will be harder for her to see the OM. I would make sure you have a GPS on her car and maybe a VAR velcroed under her drivers seat. I expect her to be more sneaky in the future.

The fact that she is this furious tells me you inflicted a HUGE blow to her affair and the OM might have dumped her. That means she will be working overtime to get him back. You can help make sure he doesn't take her back. I would kick the affair while its down and do what we suggested by a) exposing him on Cheaterville.com and confronting him personally. He won't want the trouble.

How will I know when he dumps her, what if he already did, is this the reaction to it... I might have to sleep with one eye open tonight.

I'm paying him a visit tomorrow. And I will do the cheater Ville also.

Might explain why she wants me to get all the house stuff done in a hurry and be divorced . To show him look I got rid of him. We can be together.

You may know by his response when you confront him.

hang in there wife, when she gets like that, just leave and go to the bedroom, when and if she calms down your regular routine can continue, she is angry the fantasy is over, she has to face herself.
You just told the truth amongst all the lies no one will be angry at you for that even her after she realizes her choices have hurt her life and her families, my husband was like that too. I just would acknowledge the way he was feeling and telling him I understood the mess he had made of his own life with his choices�.but he would need to decide our marriage and rebuilding his reputation with me standing with him or with his affair life and letting that ruin his life more than it already had.
they get real angry before it stops I think it took my husband about 3 weeks from d-day��
try to always keep some physical space between you when you speak just till she settles down, she will be feeling badly about who she has become now even striking you��
stay calm don't ever lose it that is what she wants, smile and ask her is she would like a drink or snack and go on with what your evening is��.
when she speaks of divorce tell her you will only speak about reconciliation
if she wants a divorce you aren't helping her with that plan.
don't get discouraged I know it's tough to watch them go through all the devastation they caused themselves but don't help her let it happen ��the harder she feels it the better and sooner reality will set in again and her logical being will come back to her��..

This is great if he dumped her, but crappy for me b/c she is going to work harder to get him back. Damn can't anything be easy!..

Mel is right the OM didn't sign up for this kind of mess they are usually cowards they only wanted the fun part not the hard part, she isn't worth that to him�
Hopefully he is on the run by now and out of the picture.

I am just speculating, but guessing by her reaction he has dumped her. But that will be very temporary because you can see for yourself how deeply addicted she is. She will be doing her best to get him back. Her reaction is very, very typical for someone whose affair has been killed. But that doesn't mean it will stay that way. It just means she will keep chasing him and will try to speed up the divorce.

Strategically, you need to put the nail in the coffin by running this RAT off completely. Let him know hell is coming his way and you will be fighting for your marriage.

Then have your lawyer do everything to drag this out. Don't fight with her about the divorce but just tell her that you are leaving all that legal stuff to your lawyer. Then do NOTHING to cooperate.

When you confront him, tell him you know quite a bit about his affair with your wife and ask him what his intentions are. Try and get him talking...

Jess, thanks. I did let her be. I heard her crying and sobbing uncontrollably, I have never heard her like this before. I do stand there calm as can be. I have no idea how I'm doing it, actually I do, God is holding me up that's for sure.

I think my calmness pisses her off even more...I did try to help her clean up the rice she spilled and offered a tissue and she didn't want it saying get the F away from me ..

You need to post on Cheaterville asap

My wife slapped me....and I didnt call. Most men don't.
My renter neighbors were screaming and cussing, and I heard him say "Stop Fing hitting me [censored]!"
I called the police. They came...and arrested his girlfriend. The cop told me that she scratched the mans face terribly...but they would have never known because he didnt call the cops!

Dr. Harley believes that it's important to hold people accountable for their actions and would have encouraged you to call the police.

Thanks guys. Im so exhausted. Who new this would be like this.. I have been shot at, spit on, dragged all over the street in an all out fight, pepper sprayed and still have to fight the suspect, almost been disarmed of my gun, almost stabbed by a complete lunatic walking into the station, ran into a burning building and saved a crackhead and was over come by smoke but we made it out and there is so much more but to much to list. But I'm exhausted from a gorgeous, blonde hair blue eyed women who I love unconditionally and she has kicked my A$$ harder the last 6 weeks or so than the above things that have happened to me in the last 18 years in the most dangerous city in the country.

Sir, my wife flipped me off while holding my 5 year old in her arms. And she lip synced, "F*** You, Jedi!"

I understand your situation and sympathize with you.


My wife told me that I was insane; she called the local police and told the I was insane and psychotic, and told a court investigator I was psychotic.
The court awarded me emergency custody of my kids and I now have full custody so you can see how far her unfounded accusations actually went.


You really need to file a complaint with the police.
She's out of control.

If she goes crazy then you need to protect yourself.
It happens, every now and then we hear of some crazy person killing their kids and their spouse.

I was unable to legally keep my cheating wife out of the home, and she came and left as she pleased (like yours).

She had previously kicked in the bedroom door and broke the lock so I couldnt sleep in peace...my dad told me to prop a chair up against the door like they do in the movies...

It didnt keep her out, but she would have to push really hard to open the door and it would wake me up.

I kept a recorder with me at ALL TIMES, even in bed!

She slapped me in the head. No big deal. Not the first time I've been hit by a women. I actually had to fist fight a women on the street, she was an a mature boxer. Her fist felt like a brick hitting my jaw. .I ended up hitting her with my pr24 collapasble baton...otherwise she would of kicked my butt. Lol..

I hATE that website.
My wife would go back and forth on that stupid thing, unfriending me, then friending me, etc....while going back and forth between OM.

As a legal note, be careful of any postings that you make on there. you picture you have should reflect a fine upstanding man.

my husband later said my grace and calmness made him feel safe when his world seemed out of control. they feel it too��God is with you right now �....my husband told me all your wife is and more, we got right down to a separation agreement signed and he was moving out.
i just kept plan A-ing my little heart out, I would also tell you to look your best at all times put on cologne. Play music she likes��little subtle things that make her remember home the good things she likes about your life together�..and she does even though she is a screaming fool right now���let her cry��.

Dr. Harley would say that you are actually helping her by reporting her. You would be putting her on notice that this behavior will NOT be tolerated, and the judge may order her to take an anger management class.

I really don't put anything on FB. I have a picture of my wife and I..the funny thing is my wife has never had a pic of us as her profile pic..just thought about that..

I'm sure Dr. Harley is right. I'm going to give her this one pass.

Facebook is not marriage or family friendly because it does not allow for JOINT accounts.
It encourages everyone to have an INDIVIDUAL account.
In fact, your thread has been the final straw for me with facebook. I'm deleting my account permanently.
Other social sites, such as Google+, allow for a joint account.

I've never liked it. It has ruined so many marriages, people ruin the marriages, fb encourages it.

FB is a good thing for MB. Get to use it for exposure. . works great for that..

Yes it does.

It is certainly a double edged sword! It has been an amazing resource for exposures.

I'm not tooting my own horn, but I'm a good looking guy who is in decent shape and the OM is this balding fat goofy looking guy, I just don't get it. Nothing wrong with balding guys or men being over weight. I'm not shallow.

He just doesn't seem her type. What the heck do I know...

I find it interesting when my wife tells me all my changes etc.. would save the marriage, but telling everyone I had an affair was over the top and it will never save our marriage.Your crazy.

I would suggest that your daughter have clear instructions about how to keep herself safe if your wife gets physical. She should go to a safe place and call 911.

It is not only your own safety at stake here. Do you have a trusted neighbor she can go to?

I wish she would of told me that before exposure or better yet when where we going to reconcile after the divorce and property division etc..maybe she was going to let me know some day...I'm being sarcastic right now...

She already knows what to do. I taught her code words for different things. When to go where to go and who to call.

Most people "affair down" so that is no surprise. He is also a turd on the inside!! My XH's mistress up in northern Michigan had buck teef, smoked cigars and went huntin for deer! The first time I ran into her, I was behind her in a party store while she was paying for jumbo BUDS on a Monday night! She is the complete opposite of me. I was speechless!!

Mel, you made me lol so hard right now. Why down What's the deal with that...

Those "buck" teeth are good for chewing venison!

Funny how OM ex-wife told me he is a lost soul and has nothing to his name, lost it all, not sure how, and can't even be there for his 16yr old boy. I'll bend over backwards for 6 yrs trying to reach my boy to the point of getting frustrated b/c he began manipulating us and getting us into arguments. But I love him unconditionally, but our strained relationship is the deal breaker...

Those "buck" teeth are good for chewing venison! [/quote]

I hope you can run the OM off. I predict that you can. You have him by the nads right now.

Don't get me wrong, I was drunk one day and said a horrible thing to him. I will not repeat what I said. I did apologize to him immediately after I said it. I'm not proud of it. I allowed that alcohol and frustration to make me say something that isn't true. They call alcohol a spirit b/c it's evil.

As she comes out of the fog she will realize how bad the OM is for her. He would not change her tire, cook her dinner or pay for her son's tutoring lesson. He doesn't even see his own son!

Sir, I run (compete, not just jog but actually place at the finish line) half marathon races and am in excellent physical shape.
My wife left me for a bald, fat child abuser convict that smoked, drank and uses dope daily!

FOG = Irrational thinking!

I hope I can run him off too...

Wow unreal. Im sorry Jedi.

Sir , many people can drink a limited amount of alcohol and never have incidents like yours.
However, for some, there is a type of allergy to alcohol that causes bizarre behavior. If you are doing things while drinking and then apologizing then you should treat it as an allergy and never touch it

Jedi, he did stop drinking. That was one of her main complaints so he stopped.

Why do I hang onto every word she says. Is this normal. she's going to the dentist today, to start a crown. She said she has to get it done before she loses her insurance through me... I just said oh ok. Just seems like I'm listenting to good.... We did then have conversation about sons math issue. He's a smart kid. All the kids are having math issues. She showed me it and I can't make sense of it... The tutor who is a math teacher is having problem with it...so we just tell him do your best.

Don't do that. Develop selective hearing. Catch her doing something polite or nice or helpful and respond to that, not the insults. ('you're such a good mother' or saying 'you're welcome' nice and confidently when she gives you a cold thank you) Only respond to what you want to. Treat the rest as jibber jabber.

The maths thing is proving to be a really useful distraction. Can you offer to call up and speak to his teacher? She'll say no, while breathing fire, but the offer of support will register on the level where she is still human.

Indie, I don't let the negative things bother me, it's just how great of a listner I have become. I will ask if I could talk to his teacher. I poured the three of our coffee's this morning. When I handed it to step son he said thank you. My wife and I made the kids lunches together. Son made us all laugh this morning b/c I think he is using my tooth brush, wife asked him and he just said I just use whatever, it was funny, had to be there. Son poured the rest of the coffee in a travel mug this morning and the wife wanted some to go, so I poured the rest of mine and what was left in the pot in a travel mug for her. She said you didn't have to do that , I said it's no problem. We both then left to get these kids to school...

You are doing just a super great job at Plan A! All of these little things demonstrate how much better you are than the OM. The POSOM would never take care of her son or do the things you are doing. She would lose all that.

Happy that you are back on days.

My wife just told me her attorney sent her a copy of the property settlement proposal and asked if I would like to see it or are you going to wait till your attorney contacts you. I said no thanks and I will just wait for my attorney to contact me. She throws her hands in the air and walks away mumbling something...

That was perfect! No cooperation on the divorce front!

I did ask her if I could talk to his math teacher to see if there is anything I can do to help. She gave me a puzzled kind of dirty look, and said I have been in constant contact with his teacher that's the curriculum and nothing can been done. I said I feel bad for son, he's working hard. Of course her one GF called her wanting her to go to opening day. That's what my wife said. The voice mail was a women. I heard her voice. That GF is the one who cheated on her husband, I work with him. I never liked her, the first time I met her, bad vibe. She is also my wife's supervisor at work...they have been going out a lot together lately. you know wife uses her name a lot...

yuck. You know, when you get into the recovery phase, getting her away from that bad influence will be a condition of recovery. She is not a friend to your marriage. Of course, when the fog wears off, she will not view her as a "friend," but as an enabler.

my friend divorced her, he was devistated, I remember when he told me about it...he didn't want anything to do with her, apparently he found pics emails to a few different me. My wife and I talked about it before and she new how I felt about her. My wifeW would stick up fo her saying ther e are two sides, well yes but you don't cheat. This couple did a lot together, travled, went to sporting events etc... he has leukemia that is in remission. His cancer was active during her cheating and divorce...

A plan A Jedi.

my wife and I are talking and she starts telling me how I told everyone she is a who're, I said I never told anyone that. She said you told them something. I said I felt it was important to tell them about you having an affair. She then said why don't you just stop and own up to why I filed for divorce, b/c I was unhappy and the relationship with my son and nothing else.. I said ok.

She now comes back out asking me what would a restraining order do to my job. You do carry a firearm right. I said yes. That's right. I said I cant stop you from doing anything. She tells me, then you better stop..

She then tells me that all I'm trying to do is make myself look good by dragging my friends and family in this, by making me look bad, because your a selfish [censored]. I simply said I did do this to make myself look loog. I did this b/c I love you and care about you and this family. She then walked away. Boy is she going to do this everyday all day. Some of the things she.says to me I don't answer b/c I don't know what to say... I do have my recorder on..She told me I sent that letter to an attorney friend of hers, yes I know it was one of the negative responses, her female cousin who said I'm controlling and petty and she fears for wife's safety, when her cousins mother died there step dad left them when they 13 or 1$ and he ran off with another women and never looked backed never to talk to.them again..

So do I pay the OM a visit or do I call. The last thing I need is a restraining order. Wife said she has grounds b/c a contacted her work friend. It's her friend who she hangs out with. Now I'm getting threats. I need my pistol for work. You get a restraining order they take your pistol.

and told the truth there is nothing wrong with that
maybe you should get a restraining order so you are protected
tell her is she wants she can tell a judge about the affair then it's up to her.
you would prefer not to do that�.
tell her you will stay a distant physically to protect yourself�..
she will go on everyday she is trying to fight for the affair and she wants it now
just tell her let's leave things up to the lawyers.
I will leave the visit to the Om up to someone more experienced Mel will have the answer��.hang in there don't let her control you and remember she is an alien not your wife, she is trying to strong arm you��.
don't bite