Six years ago I got married to a man I knew was not the right person for me. I was young and got so caught up in planning a wedding and making everyone else (family/friends) happy, that I forgot to listen to my heart...I didn't pay attention to all of the warning signs. After I got married, our relationship cmpletely fell apart. He had an affair with a younger girl and we fought constantly. We separated and at the same time, I began a new job where I met and became close to another man. Through a work project, we became very close and opened up to each other about our personal lives. He too was in a marriage that was barely surviving. One thing led to another and we ended up having an affair together which resulted in divorce for both of us with our spouses at the time. A couple year later, we got married. I'm not sure what happened. I honestly can't pinpoint a specific situation or problem or fight...I don't know why it went sour. I don't know why I became interested in someone else or why he became interested in someone else. Well..most likely he became interested in someone else because I pushed him away. We ended up getting divorced. I know that he was deeply hurt and definitely hates me. To him, I ruined his life. It has been over a year since we've separated and divorced. I have dated and so has he. We see each other at work and don't acknowledge each other. Every time I see him, my heart hurts more and more. Every time I think about him, I miss him. I don't know what to do. I want to contact him, but I wonder if the wounds are still too fresh. I wonder if he'll even want to hear from me. Actually.. I know he doesn't because I have a texted a few times and he hasn't responded. I feel so lost. Help.
There is no hope for your marriage.
Only 5% of affairs survive past 2 years, and of the very small percent that get married nearly all end in divorce.
Dr. Harley has tried to find ways to make affairages such as yours somehow work but they can't.
In your case, Dr. Harley would probably recommend that you find another job and have no contact with your ex husband/ affair partner.
In the future, avoid adultery or choose a lifelong suffering from it.
What advice specifically are you looking for?
How to turn Your life around, or how to reconcile your affair marriage?
My first advice, regardless, is to read Surviving An Affair and then, Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders.
Clean up your past by following the steps in SAA and come back here often to ensure you are doing it as openly and honestly as you can, without deviating from the program the least little bit.
You can't build a solid future on a shaky foundation.
LTL
How to reconcile with my "affair marriage" if that's what we're calling it. Or if it's even something that can be or should be reconciled.
So in the last 6 years you have married and divorced TWICE?
And had affairs in both marriages?
Maybe you should not be so quick to jump back into any relationship. Maybe spend some time here developing your beliefs on what marriage and relationships should be...
Start with the book, "Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders". Once you read it, you will see why your marriages failed and why your last marriage is unlikely to recover.
Please tell me that you are very young and that you are not bringing children into your serial cheating relationships.
I am young and no I don't have children. In my first marriage, I didn't cheat when we were together. He did. We were separated with divorce in process when I met and started to be intimate with my last husband.
So you think that being separated is not being married. Neither you nor your husbands have a concept of what marriage means. Your fist marriage was an excuse to have a party and your second marriage was an affairsge. Do you read books? If so, read the "Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders" book. It is the one that can help you the most in the future.
I am young and no I don't have children. In my first marriage, I didn't cheat when we were together. He did. We were separated with divorce in process when I met and started to be intimate with my last husband.
Who (your last XH) was still married at the time you began the relationship? So you began an affair with a man who was married? And you were still married?
How many times do you plan on being married?
What does marriage mean to you?
Yes, my last ex was married but also separated and in process of divorce.
How to reconcile with my "affair marriage" if that's what we're calling it. Or if it's even something that can be or should be reconciled.
I would leave the man alone. Affairs are doomed relationships from the start. They have a 95% divorce rate. I would try and learn from your mistakes so you don't do this again.
How to reconcile with my "affair marriage" if that's what we're calling it. Or if it's even something that can be or should be reconciled.
Just curious as to what you would call your last marriage if not an "affair marriage"?
After all you did cheat on your husband (as you were still married, despite divorce proceedings pending) and you did marry the man you had the affair with, not to mention being the OW to his BW.
Start with the book, "Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders". Once you read it, you will see why your marriages failed and why your last marriage is unlikely to recover.
Please tell me that you are very young and that you are not bringing children into your serial cheating relationships.
Amen... You have a warped view of relationships and I hope you get the book above so you don't do this again.
Yes, my last ex was married but also separated and in process of divorce.
Separated=married
I understand that I'm at fault, and I have owned my mistakes. I'm trying to move forward. I have learned valuable lessons. Am I completely past the ability to be helped and loved and in a healthy marriage?
While I'm sorry that you are in pain you have brought it on yourself. You need to take time to learn what marriage should be, learn how to create a meaningful relationship and then implement Dr. harley's principles in your future marriage.
You lack the understanding of what a relationship where both parties needs are met looks like and need to learn this before you can have a meaningful relationship. Read the books suggested and make yourself a better person before you jump into another relationship.
I understand that I'm at fault, and I have owned my mistakes. I'm trying to move forward. I have learned valuable lessons. Am I completely past the ability to be helped and loved and in a healthy marriage?
I know you feel right now that your being clubbed by 2x4's, I felt the same when I first joined. I'm not far enough along in my recovery to advise much, what I will advise is to LISTEN to the vets, get the suggested books and follow what they say. We, as WW's have done the worst possible betrayal to our spouses.
Please read those materials and understand marriage is work and isn't some magical smoochie pie/soulmate thing that society portrays it to be. You have horrible boundaries around men and that needs to be addressed. Those reading materials will change your life if you appply them.
I understand that I'm at fault, and I have owned my mistakes. I'm trying to move forward. I have learned valuable lessons. Am I completely past the ability to be helped and loved and in a healthy marriage?
Of course you are not past the ability to make changes in your life and become a better person, capable of a great marriage. You found Marriage Builders and are willing to post here for help; that's a good start.
I would avoid dating at all for a while. First learn what it takes to have healthy relationships, one of which could lead to marriage. You want to have what it takes, but you also want to make sure your potential spouse has what it takes, too.
Listen to the radio program daily for lots of great information from Dr. Harley and his wife. Click on this link and then click "Rebroadcast" to hear the show.
Here Also, be sure and purchase and read Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders. It's a book with lots of very good information about how relationships work. It's very logical. Here's a very good thread about the concepts.
Here Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders will show you where you and your husbands went wrong.
I understand that I'm at fault, and I have owned my mistakes. I'm trying to move forward. I have learned valuable lessons. Am I completely past the ability to be helped and loved and in a healthy marriage?
Of course you are not past the ability to make changes in your life and become a better person, capable of a great marriage. You found Marriage Builders and are willing to post here for help; that's a good start.
I would avoid dating at all for a while. First learn what it takes to have healthy relationships, one of which could lead to marriage. You want to have what it takes, but you also want to make sure your potential spouse has what it takes, too.
Listen to the radio program daily for lots of great information from Dr. Harley and his wife. Click on this link and then click "Rebroadcast" to hear the show.
Here Also, be sure and purchase and read Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders. It's a book with lots of very good information about how relationships work. It's very logical. Here's a very good thread about the concepts.
Here Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders will show you where you and your husbands went wrong.
X2
Welcome to MB and I hope that you utilize the help available to you through Dr. Harley's books and website.
I don't know what OW and BW means. Please explain.
OW = Other Woman
BW = Betrayed Wife
ShaylaJo,
You may feel like you are being ganged up on, but the reality is that for you to make any true changes, you have to truly and emphatically see what your own actions brought for you and the turmoil created as an after effect.
Does your recent XH despise you now because he feels you are to blame for him destroying his own original family?
Or, is there something else he is demonizing you about?
When you say, "Yes, i get what i did in the past", it feels like when an adult is telling a teenager why or how to do something and the teen replies, "Ya, i know, i know".
These other posters don't feel like you sincerely and emphatically actually do truly know and understand yet.
What ACTION steps will you put in place to correct the past? Words alone are meaningless.
Stick around and become a better version of you first, then learn better how to be in a true faithful, safe and loving relationship.
Will you be reading SAA and B,R & F? (Surviving An Affair and Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders).
Learn all about JUST COMPENSATION, the the Policy Of Radical Honesty, (PORH) and also the Policy Of Joint Agreement, (POJA).
Will you read those and try to learn the concepts?
LTL
Yes of course. I already ordered them bc my local book store didn't have them in stock. My ex despises me, not because he ended his first marriage but bc he feels I didn't try hard enough in our marriage and that I have up and I lied to him over and over again. He despises me bc he wanted to build a family and a future with me and I took that all away from him. I feel so unbelievably lost.
Yes of course. I already ordered them bc my local book store didn't have them in stock. My ex despises me, not because he ended his first marriage but bc he feels I didn't try hard enough in our marriage and that I have up and I lied to him over and over again. He despises me bc he wanted to build a family and a future with me and I took that all away from him. I feel so unbelievably lost.
Dr. Harley talks about different types of liars: protective liars, get-out-of-trouble liars and born liars. Read about them. What kind are you?
AM
Probably a combo of all of then.
I'm not trying to point fingers but, he too, did things to cause our marriage to unravel. He too, had an affair..
I'm not trying to point fingers but, he too, did things to cause our marriage to unravel. He too, had an affair..
Because at a minimum, you were both renters, not buyers. Neither of you were committed to giving the other "extraordinary care". Stay here and read all about marriage builders concepts.